#tw ed relapsr

[blackcoffeeand-cigarettes]

Found my old journal again

[blackcoffeeand-cigarettes]

Some more art

I h4te my life and I h4te mys3lf

[blackcoffeeand-cigarettes]

Things I will wear when I'm sk1nny | Part 2

[blackcoffeeand-cigarettes]

I hate my life and I hate my mind.

A couple of days ago I found the courage to message a former collegue, he read my message and never answered.

I had a one night stand with a guy. I tried to be friends with him. One night he left me alone in front of a club. Me, a young girl, all alone in the middle of the night in a city.

I tried to party with friends of a friend. They wanted to go to a different club, I just had to get my backpack. Once I got my bag they where already gone and I was all alone again.

I'm depressed. I'm alone. I hate my life and I hate my job. I hat3 myself and I'm a bad person.

I want to stop eating so finally people will love me or feel bad for me

[blackcoffeeand-cigarettes]

dinner time

[blackcoffeeand-cigarettes]

I made a major mistake at work. I feel so bad. Like I ruined everything and that my collegues all hate me now.

Why am I like this?

Why am I so stupid?

I just want to quit. I want to st4rve to punish myself. I just want this to end.

[blackcoffeeand-cigarettes]

I had a really nice Christmas Eve at work. The next day I visited my family for two days.

Spending Christmas with my family always leaves me depressed. My brothers and sister always come over for only two hours for coffee. And after that I'm left alone with my parents, watching the same movie every year drinking beer and wine. Every year I hope it will be different. That my family and I are going to spend a lot of time together. But I never get to have this warm feeling of family inside of me I'm craving for. Instead I feel really sad and cold every year during and after Christmas.

I'm back at my own flat now. Thinking about starting restr1cting again tomorrow.

[blackcoffeeand-cigarettes]

Just remembered the day when I told one of my coworkers about my eating problems. This was the first time I reached out to someone. She could see that something wasn't right and so I decided to tell her. The first thing she asked me was 'Do you think you're to fat?' And I told her that it's not about that. I told her that it is about control and that the numbers and the obsessing about food distracted me from everything going wrong in my life. 'But you can't do your job right if you're not eating enough! You need the energy!' was the next thing she said to me. That left me completely dumbfounded. First, since when does my whole life revolve around my job? Second, I told her that I'm having problems with eating, that I'm not doing well and that is her only concern?

That was the first and last time we talked about this. She never asked me if I'm doing better or anything like that.

One day she even made a dumb comment about it. One of my coworkers told her that it's really cute how she brings herself lunch everyday in a lunchbox. She answered, well knowing that I'm sitting at the same table as them, that she does that to have enough energy.

I was crying out for help! I wanted you to help me! Why didn't you do something?!

[blackcoffeeand-cigarettes]

cigarettes really hit different when you're starv1ng yourself

[blackcoffeeand-cigarettes]

Decided to draw some more

[blackcoffeeand-cigarettes]

Sometimes I see photos on here that have been going around for years. I always wonder

has this person recovered?

or are they dead

[blackcoffeeand-cigarettes]

Drunkor3x14 - the perfect mix of my 3d and my 4lcohol1sm

[blackcoffeeand-cigarettes]

Barely ate something and now I'm on my way to the club. Drunkorexi4 is life

[blackcoffeeand-cigarettes]

Haven't posted anything personal in while, so here is an update.

I was really sick for a couple of days. I couldn't keep any food or water inside my body. I even had to go to the hospital to get some fluids back into my body through an IV. Together with pain medication because I was in so much pain for a couple days in a row. But I'm completely healthy again.

During that time I lost 3 kg, I only weighed 49,5 kg, which is really close to my goal weight. The last couple of days I gained a bit of it back, I'm now at 50,2 kg.

I also ran into some difficulties at work. My workload has doubled and most of the time I have no clue what I'm doing because there was no time to teach me everything. This puts me under a lot of stress.

Losing weight has triggered my ed a lot. I really want to get back to 49,5 kg and even lower. Clinging to that weight is also the only thing giving me comfort right now, because everything else is falling apart. The situation at work is to much for me and it's making me crave the control I get trough restricting.

But there is also hope inside of me and the will to choose live. So I set my calorie limit for 1700 cals a day for now. And I want start going to the gym again (I haven't been able to go for a couple of weeks now because I was so sick). For the last years it always helped me to restrict for a couple of days to get through my difficulties and to go back to normal after that. I hope this is the case this time too.

I'm thinking about posting food logs, so stay tuned for that.