#tw impled suicide

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being upset at how my former friends treated me?

tw: suicide and animal death

So for some context this was a very close knit friendgroup, for several years, of about 10 people, including me and my then partner. Also, everyone here is an adult.

Basically, one day I was in a really really bad place mentally. A beloved family pet was going to be put down soon, this dog had been a part of my life for almost half my life, and I was inconsolable and struggling to cope with this. During a discussion about some random interest I got too mean/harsh about it and it turned into an argument.

I know this was not justified and my grief wasn't an excuse, and I knew it then too and apologized to the people involved, and was met with overwhelming support, I was told "it's ok, we understand you're going through a rough thing right now, we're here to support you and you'll always have a place in this group"

Then my partner messaged me. They had not been part of the discussion at all, but they told me they felt hurt and wanted us to take a break. However, I misinterpreted that as a break up (combination of language barrier and me already being in shambles. This miscommunication is not something my ex can be blamed for)

This was an extremely serious relationship, we had been together for 2 years at that point and had a lot of future plans and such, so that on top of already grieving made me have a mental breakdown.

So, I vented on my personal tumblr. My vents did not mention/vague/allude to the situation at all, they amounted to "I feel terrible I can't do this anymore" and could very well have been only about my dog, or just about my depression in general. I also should point out that my ex doesn't use tumblr at all, so I didn't think he'd ever see those vents, and I certainly didn't want him to. And I also would not have reacted like that if I had known it was a temporary break. I know I still shouldn't have vented on a public blog, and it was hurtful no matter what. I wasn't thinking clearly at the time.

The next day, after our dog was put down, I sought support from my friends, but was suddenly met with "we're not impressed with how you've acted, get therapy, bye" and was kicked from the group. Several of them blocked me everywhere instantly.

Unbeknownst to me, someone had sent my vents to my ex and they had shown them to the others, and they'd drawn the conclusion that I was upset about a temporary break and was venting to try to guilt my ex into getting back with me. And not a single one of them brought this up to me. Again, we'd all been friends for several years at that point and this was literally the day after telling me I'd always be a part of the group and they were here for me. I couldn't even defend myself because no one would tell me anything, I asked many times but was told "you know what you did" even though I clearly didn't. I thought they'd all changed their minds about the previous day out of nowhere, or that this was because of (what I thought was) the breakup. I only learned what they actually thought much later. Oh, and my ex told me I needed therapy and he never wanted anything to do with me again (which is when I learned I'd been wrong about the breakup).

Again, I know me venting was harmful no matter what, so in that regard I am the asshole, but I still feel like there's a difference between what I did and deliberate manipulation, and surely people I'd been friends with for years could have spoken to me before assuming things?

So at that point I'd lost a beloved pet, my partner, and most of my close friends, within a day. So at that point I tried but failed to commit suicide, and was hospitalized.

While in the hospital, I didn't get a single word from any of my friends, except for one person. Supposedly, everyone had been "worried out of their minds" when they saw my suicide note. But not worried enough for a single word.

Even the one person who talked to me got extremely defensive and angry if I so much as implied I felt hurt by the group's actions. They even tried to hold it over my head how "despite everything you did X and Y were super worried about you" as if being worried about someone comitting suicide is some kind of heroic saint.

I asked to be allowed to talk things out with them, but was told "the others aren't comfortable associating with you", so I had to write a fucking google doc letter. I explained the situation from my perspective, apologized for my actions etc, but also made it clear that I felt hurt and didn't think their reaction was justified and that they should have at least talked to me first, and that I was very open to talking things out in person if any of them wanted to get back to me.

None of them did. Apparently they were writing a formal collective response letter to me. At which point I had enough of the silent treatment and said that if any of them had anything to say to me they could do so in person. Which made the group extremely angry because I was "silencing" them.

About three people got back to me, and all of their responses amounted to "we don't owe you an apology, our actions were justified because we thought you'd done something bad and we were just trying to protect [my ex] and the fact that you're upset about it proves you are bad" one of them compared me to their abuser.

They also said they'd been "having issues with my behavior for a long time now", I wish I could elaborate here in case it'd impact judgement, but I can't because none of them specified, and NOTHING of the sort had been brought up to me previously.

So. Again, I know I am the asshole to some extent, because regardless of my mindset me venting on my tumblr was still harmful, but I also feel like I was treated unfairly and cruelly by my former friends. AITA here?

What are these acronyms?

[sidespromptblog]

66! "Get out of my head"... Logceit or, Anxceit.

Out of all mornings to wake up, Logan most certainly didn’t expect to wake up gasping and covered in blood.

The smell was the first thing that hit him, that sharp coppery tang that felt ingrained into his mind, the next was the stickiness, his clothes were covered in it, it seeped through his fingers and drenched the fabric of his jacket. Some parts of it more than others had dried in odd patches on his skin turning a dark brown, those patches then flaked off as soon as he sat up. It was no use for him to wipe his hands on his jeans as even they had a fair amount of splattering on them as well.

Even so, he clenched his hands tight feeling the blood seeping through his fingers as his knuckles turned white. “Fuck!” He roared out, slamming his fist into the ground disturbing the wildlife that had peacefully been grazing about, and crunching the fallen leaves that were all around him. He’d chosen to do it at a nice secluded area, a place that was familiar and he had been at before. A place that he could have imagined dying before.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!” He cursed, ripping the tie from his neck in one swift movement, the pale blue fabric tore like paper from around his neck, and without even thinking he tossed it into the stream that was babbling not too far away from him. His breathing, as useless as the action was, was labored as he attempted to regain his cool. Raking his hand over his eyes, he exhaled deeply repeating the familiar breathing pattern from another life.

It was only upon opening his eyes did he see the tie he had so carelessly tossed into the stream, being carried away by the current.

“Shit!” Logan cursed once again his voice breaking, almost expecting a warm voice to pipe up behind him reminding him not to cuss so much. But there was only the sound of him lunging into and splashing through the water, before snagging the soaked remains of the tie before he clutched it close to his chest where his unbeating heart laid within. Now with a hole through it.  “I’m sorry..I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.” Logan’s eyes welled with tears before he clutched the fabric tighter using one of the ripped ends to wipe away his tears before he glanced down at himself. He was soaked now too, but he’d stopped feeling the cold a long time ago, so it didn’t bother him all that much. “I’m sorry.” He whispered one last time, kissing the wet remains of the tie before he gingerly folded it back up, placing it neatly inside of his pocket.

The rest of his time was spent bathing in the river, watching the water run red as he scrubbed his chest that didn’t have a single scratch on it anymore. His clothes would stain, but that would be alright as well. He had plenty back where he came from, it wasn’t like he would be too upset at the clothes anyway. Just what Logan had done while he was in them.

It took a good hour to make his way back to the safe house.

Shutting the door as quietly as he possibly could, Logan flinched sharply as the light that had shrouded him in darkness flicked on illuminating him in its judging rays.  

“You need to stop doing this Lo.” Blinking his eyes a few times Logan glared sharply at the scaled face of the cursed human before him, his red eyes burned into the other’s heterochromic ones with a vengeance. Even though the other remained as calm as ever.

“Get out of my head Dolos!” He snapped without even thinking, and the human in question looked back at him with a single raised eyebrow looking as unimpressed as ever for a second, before he stepped forward. For a human, he had absolutely no fear when it came to Logan, a foolish oversight on his part, but one that he could commend regardless.

Nevertheless, Logan felt himself go completely still as soon as he felt the other’s warm touch lingering on the center of his chest, Dolos was close, close enough that he could smell the alluring scent of his shampoo that wafted in his nose and enticed him to bring them both even closer.

“I don’t have to read your mind to know Logan, I can see it all over your face. How did you do it this time? A gun? A knife? Or was it hunters?” The moment that Logan’s lips twitched downward Dolos knew that he had gotten it, he didn’t even need to see the lies that Logan would try to spin in order to make it not sound so bad. He knew how bad it was, he had seen how bad it was. He always saw it, no matter where Logan ran off to hide for the night and no matter how he tried to block Dolos’ vision.

He saw each and every death, with a heartbreaking accuracy. His voice was already and his throat was already raw from screaming, they both knew that he didn’t need to shout in order to get his point across. He was tired, they were both tired. After they went to sleep, this would just be another thing that was swept under the rug and forgotten about.

At least until next time.

“I’m sorry,” Logan whispered his undead heart broke at the expression on the other’s face, and feeling Dolos’ hand moving its way up his chest as he hung his head, the warmth of the hand seeped into his freezing cold cheek as his blood red gaze was lifted back up to meet the other’s bi-colored one.

Brown and gold.  

Beautiful colors in their own right, but in Dolos’ skull, they were like jewels. The human’s lips twitched into a sad smile as he continued to hold the immortal’s face, a knowing smile and a soul-crushing one at that. “No, you aren’t. If you were, then you wouldn’t be the vampire I had married.”

Their lips met in a gentle tandem, a gentle kiss before Logan’s arms found their way around Dolos’ hips dragging him even closer than before. As Dolos’ hands found their way into Logan’s hair, giving it a firm tug the moment that Logan moved to pull away. Their lips smashed together again, Logan’s fangs sinking into the human’s bottom lip and giving it a good tug. With little hesitation, the scaly faced human tilted his head to the side, exposing the pale gentle sloping of his neck. A fire burned in Logan’s stomach, and his vision turned red.

“It’s alright,” Dolos whispered, his beautiful eyes slipping shut. “You need it more than I do, so take as much as you need my bloodstone.” Dolos’ fingers clenched the damp fabric of Logan’s jacket, stopping himself from flinching or wincing as the fangs slipped into his neck. His body went limp, and his knees no longer supported him. However, Logan’s arms firmly held him up, preventing him from lurching backward and completely passing out.

Logan drank and drank.

He was so hungry.

[shadowwolf146]

FIGHT- original story/poem

"Fight with me".

It was a simple request. They asked it of us everytime they saw our spirits waver. It went from a statement. A request. To a question. "Will you fight with me"? Then it became a begging. A pleading; a cry for continuation. "Please fight with me". "Please, keep fighting with me"? And sometimes we'd answer, mostly we wouldn't. But they would always ask. Until one day, we'd had enough. "Please, keep fighting with me"?

And we answered. "But I'm so tired. Haven't I done enough? Haven't WE done enough"? And sometimes, on our worst days; "I don't think I want too." "I know. But you have to. There isn't any other choice. All you can do", and here they sighed, as deep as the sea. "All you can do is put one foot in front of the other. And keep. Going. Sometimes that's all we have. And it never feels like enough. But someday it will". We shook our heads. It never felt like enough. We never felt like enough. "It's harder, I think." We murmured one day, almost to ourselves, but they heard us, and frowned. "What's harder?" They asked, though we suspected they knew our answer.

"Fighting. Its harder without him. He was our"- we pause, shake our head. That wasn't right. Only one of us really felt this. Only one of us needed to speak. We pushed her forward.

And she spoke. "He was my reason to fight. The creature I loved. I came home to him everyday. He was the reason I went on. At my lowest, he was why I stayed, even though no one knew it. He did. And so did I. And now, he's gone". I sighed. "How do you move on?" I asked them. They looked at me softly, as quiet and genuine as I'd ever seen them get. They said, "Sometimes...you don't. But it's never a moving on; it's more of a moving forward. You know they're gone. And you lived them, dearly while they were here. And sometimes...that's the way it is. You did all you could, and that's it. And maybe, in time, you'll be ready to love again. To have a new creature to love, to come home to. They might even become your new reason to stay. They might be one of your many reasons to stay". And here they looked at me, eyes shining, and I could tell they'd felt it. They knew how I felt. Because they'd felt it too, maybe a long time ago, maybe recently, I didn't know, and I didn't want to ask. But I knew.

"I'm proud of you, you know. For staying. Sometimes it's all you can do. And that's okay. But I want you to remember: you need to learn to LIVE too. You can have reasons to stay. Creatures, people, places, experiences: but stay for you too, okay"? I nodded, pondering. "Stay for you too." They repeated. A gentle hand came down on my shoulder, squeezed once, and released. I looked at them and we smiled at each other. They ruffles our hair. "Now get some sleep alright? There's more fighting to be done tomorrow. There's a new fight everyday." They grinned, canine and sharp, eyes full of sparks. "And I think we're gonna win".

[kuckie]

I am not sad. The person within the limits of my body is depressed, but I am not.  My sadness is not my own... and I don’t know how to explain it.

I’m sad when something good happens to me, I’m sad when bad things happen to me...

I’m tired after sleeping an hour, I’m tired when I’ve slept two days.

I’m hungry after eating the world, I’m full when I’ve had nothing to eat.

I feel alone and unloved surrounded by friends and family,  even though I know they love me.

The person inside me is depressed, but for God, I am not. I will get out of this, I will keep fighting the thoughts.

I will live.

[fictionkinfessions]

tw for suicide ment & abuse impl

does anyone else even kin from the breakfast club? let alone such a weirdly obscure timeline where i was gay and crushing /hard/ on john bender?

being friends with john was... interesting really. before i knew him on a better level i used to respect all forms of authority really. but seeing him that day during detention and just entirely oppose mr. vernons authority really changed something in me i guess.

i remember hanging with him once at a park because either of our parents seeing us with one another wouldve been hell for us both. anyways, we were hanging at a park late at night i believe, i had snuck out and his dad didnt really care where he went, the piece of shit. we were sitting on the swings or something and he was telling me about how he was glad i hadnt successfully killed myself. i remember agreeing with him, being glad to have became closer to john more than anything really.

also, despite judd nelson being 25 when the movie was produced, from what i remember i was 16 and he 17 turning 18.

- brian johnson, tbc [ #💘🕊️🍓 ]