#twilight is fantastic at making plans but he loses his SHIT when they start to go belly up

[notyourwatermelon]

I know people have pointed this out before, but my favorite part about Spy x Family is the introduction of Twilight, masterful spy, best man on the force, intelligent, resourceful, never fails a mission, and then we get to enter the mind of this incredible man and half his thought process is just "whats that the plan is going slightly to the left of what I expected? time to Panic" and I think that's beautiful Twilight said "I'll solve this problem and it'll be fine I just have to have anxiety about it first"

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

au where Ray, Sissy and Harlan come back to the future with the academy and Klaus makes a big event of locking everyone in the library and giving a ridiculous powerpoint that’s like ‘How To Speed Run The Past 70 Or Whatever Years’ (Five from where he’s been handcuffed to the bar: “it’s 55 you dumbass-). highlights include:

- opening with a picture from the jfk assassination (since they were all a little busy when that was going on) with a big :( drawn over it

- a fifty minute long side-tracked rant about the Vietnam war that only Five is interested in

- “And finally, after a long, painful battle for the sensible people of the world...the Beatles were Defeated”

- “Highlight this note because it WILL be on the test later- Britney Spears was born on December 2nd, 1981″

- “So one day in 1989 43 babies with magic powers were born from women who hadn’t been pregnant, and like? you know? no one ever really looked into that further? we’re in our 30s, I feel like we should have some answers by now?’

 “Speaking of 1989, there’s this fantastic album-” 

   Vanya: “Klaus they don’t need to know who Taylor Swift is-”

   Diego: “Let Him Speak.”

- “And on this day I was innocently reading a magazine and discovered my previously beloved sister Allison is friends with Beyonce and she never bothered to introduce me or invite me to a single party-” *powerpoint slide switches to a picture with Allison’s head photoshopped onto a snake* *Sissy asks who Beyonce is and that turns into another sidetracked explanation that takes nearly two hours and involves Everyone screaming*

- “And this is when Luther went to the moon-”

   Ray: “the...moon? the fucking moon?”

   Klaus: “didn’t the moon landing happen for you guys yet?”

   Allison: “no that was ‘69???”

   Klaus: “FUCK”

   Luther: “Can you try to go in order? You didn’t even tell them Dad’s an alien yet-”

  everyone: W H A T?!!?!?!!?!

- 2004: the tragic beginnings of Vanya’s weaboo stage 

- 2006: Diego has his first kiss with an Ambassadors daughter after a mission and IMMEDIATELY pukes on her after they finish. (next slide features news footage of the event; Luther has to hold Diego back from attacking Klaus while everyone else is losing their shit)

- “Klaus I really don’t think Twilight counts as a historical event”

   Five: “No, actually, it does-”

- *2 hours spent infodumping about Chernobyl while his audience gets progressively more drunk*

- “Klaus, can we please move on from the 90s already-”

  “THEY NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE MEDIA DID TO WINONA RYDER”

- footage of Allison’s Less Than Graceful reaction when she got snubbed at the Oscar’s one year

- at some point he tries to explain Modern Speak(tm) and Internet Culture(tm) to them and it ends up going like this:

- “anyway here’s a list of probable war crimes our dad committed”

- *explanation of Ellen DeGeneres’ entire career from start to finish*

- *footage of 14 year old Luther dancing like he got a touchdown after he killed a man in battle*

- Cha Cha Slide: The Song That Changed Everything

- he slips an Entirely Fake historical event in there just to prank them and his siblings try to call him out on it but then Five backs him up because he’s drunk and wants to cause problems. Three Years Later Ray will still mention something about like The Fall Of Telephonia that resulted after a bloody battle between the two rulers and whoever he’s talking to just like. smiles and nods politely

- “And here’s the news clip where 10 year old Five found out on live air that Santa Claus isn’t real. We literally never saw him smile ever again after this”

- he starts explaining Kardashian/Jenner scandals as if they’re political scandals

but anyway. not the most educational lesson plan but I want everyone to have a break and laugh thank you goodnight lmao

[lowdenfordays]

Banana Split, part 2

You wanted it and you got it. Part 1 can be found here

You received your eighth email of the day, congratulating you on the success of your open house event. It had gone fantastically; you managed to sort out all the issues in time (your favourite chair arrived an hour before you were due to open the doors), and everyone thought it looked superb. Your combination of rich colours and muted notes, patterns and plains, had been highly complimented and there where loads of journalists and interior decorators still contacting you for quotes and information. Your boss was thrilled with you, and had hinted that your yearly review would be a pleasant experience all round.

You sat back on the sofa and huffed miserably. You should have been over the moon with all the praise, your hard work had paid off, but you couldn’t help but feel like the sacrifice wasn’t worth it. You tossed your phone aside and put Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet on. You’d been crying solidly for the last two days, why stop now?

It had finally hit you that Jack was gone. Before the event you had thought he was just staying away till after it was over to give you some space. Both being stubborn, neither had tried to get in contact with the other, so you’d had no reason to assume he wouldn’t come back. You had been desperately lonely without him, sure, but you’d thrown yourself into the last few days of preparation and plastered a smile on your face on the day, so hadn’t allowed yourself the time to think about him. But when he didn’t show up to the event, or come home the next day, you started to fear that you’d screwed things up for good. You been up half that night crying, torturing yourself and raking over every word you’d exchanged with Jack, every fight, every venomous comment. You finally cried yourself to sleep, and moped about in bed for half of the next day. You eventually got up at 2 o’clock in the afternoon and trudged to the corner shop in your pyjamas for lots of chocolate, ice cream, and a few bottles of wine. You hadn’t consumed anything else, apart from tea, since. You’d never hated yourself more. Jack was the best thing in your life, you loved him more than you could comprehend, but somehow, you’d managed to push him away. You fucked things up so royally that he up and left, and it looked like he wasn’t coming back. You tried calling him 57 times. When you went to leave a voicemail the words dried in your throat and all you could manage to splutter out was “Ummm, I- um… Jack…” before hurriedly hanging up. You’d broken down into guttural sobs again after that.

 Throughout the movie you blubbered, a pile of tissues growing on the sofa beside you. You spooned ice cream lazily into your mouth and moaned throatily when the titular characters finally lay in eternal sleep, side by side in a candlelit church. You were an absolute wreck. When your phone rang, the sound sharp in the lonely room, you jumped and rushed frantically to pick it up. Finally, finally, it must be Jack calling you back. You located the source of the noise but your heart sank when you saw the caller ID – it wasn’t Jack, it was your sister Jenny. You answered the phone to hear her bubbly voice greet you.

“Hi Y/N, it’s Jen.”

You mumbled a hello.

“I just wanted to hear how your work thing went, did it work out?” she chirped.

“Yeah it went really well thanks,” you murmured morosely.

“Aren’t you happy about it then?” she queried.

“Thrilled. I think Jack and I have broken up.”

You heard her gasp before gushing, “Oh love, I’m so sorry! What happened?”

You proceeded to explain to her everything that had gone on over the last month, battling the tears constantly, and losing. She sighed sympathetically when you finished, and offered her condolences. “So how do you feel?” she ventured.

“Completely shit, unsurprisingly. I can’t believe I messed this up.”

“Hey now, don’t be too hard on yourself. It sounds like he was being a bit of a dick to you.”

“Only because I made his life miserable! I told him it would be better if he wasn’t there, Jen. I said those words. I pushed him away.”

You broke down again and it was a good few minutes before you could get any words out, your sister trying to comfort you the whole time.

“Right, that’s it,” she said decisively, “I’m coming to say with you for a few days.”

“But what about the kids?”

“Matt can look after them, they’ll be fine. Right now, you need me more.”

She hung up not long after to make plans for her visit.

 Jenny arrived that evening with a bag of proper food and a hug. You rushed into her arms and let her hold you. Being older, she had always been a source of comfort to you and she somehow knew the right thing to say at any given moment.

“You poor chicken,” she purred, stroking your head.

It didn’t take her long to switch into action mode. One look at you and the apartment told her all she needed to know about how deep your funk was. She ushered you off to have a bath, running it for you and tossing bath-bomb in. The water eased your aching bones – everything ached – and the perfume that lingered in the air breathed freshness into your lungs. You washed your hair and tried to stand a little taller when you got out. I didn’t do much but you looked a little less like a hobo. You came out of the bathroom to find that Jenny had cleaned all the empty wrappers, cartons and bottles, as well as the tissues, away. She had put clean sheets on your bed and had a homemade lasagne in the oven that she’d brought with her. She handed you a cup of tea and you sat at the kitchen table with it, expressing your thanks.

You ate the food in relative quiet, Jenny attempting to make small talk but finding an unwilling recipient. You ate the food, enjoying a substantial meal for once rather than wine and chocolate. A headache thumped inside your head so you popped a few paracetamol and gulped some water down thirstily.

“When was the last time you got out of this apartment?”

“Wednesday,” you mumbled.

“Y/N that was three days ago!”

You shrugged, not knowing what to tell her.

“Look, I know you’re devastated but you have to take care of yourself,” she said, placing a loving hand on your arm.

You nodded slowly as fresh tears stained your cheeks. “I thought was going to marry him Jen,” you sniffed.

“We all did, love. We all did.”

 Jenny stayed for the weekend, encouraging you to eat properly and get outside. She even managed to drag you out to a café for lunch and you wandered round an art gallery for the afternoon. In every painting you saw your broken heart. By Sunday evening she had to go, to get back to her husband and children for the start of the new week. You were due to into work, having been ‘working from home’ for the last few days, which you were completely dreading. The thought of seeing people, your colleagues, and pretending to smile and thank them for their compliments, made you sick to the stomach.

“I don’t know if I can do it, Jen,” you mumbled as you hugged her goodbye.

She pulled away and held you firmly by the shoulders, “Of course you can. You’re a tough nut Y/N, always have been, you can do anything. It’s gonna suck but you’ll get through it.”

You nodded, unconvinced, but smiled a little as she kissed you on the cheek and said a final goodbye before heading out the door.

 You sat, alone again, in your apartment. The craving to hold Jack in your arms, to kiss him and tell him how much you love him, suddenly overcame you. You sprang to your feet, needing to find some piece of him, some memory to cling onto. You ran to the bedroom and rooted through the drawers. He had taken a bag of clothes and toiletries with him when he left, but pieces of him were scattered everywhere. You pulled out an old hoodie of his; it was worn and frayed in places but his familiar scent clung onto it, deep and rich and luscious. You put in on, wrapping yourself in the ghost of him. You put a playlist of love songs on and took a cardboard box out from under the bed. You placed it on the mattress in front of you and, taking a deep breath, opened it. It contained two years’ worth of memories: ticket stubs, polaroids, scraps of napkin covered in scribbled stanzas or lyrics from love songs, stolen hotel keycards from weekends away, pressed flowers from the first bouquet he ever bought you, a page ripped from a book that he once read out to you and had made you both cry, snippets and snapshots of the life you had built together. You took each item out one by one. You held it, noticing the texture, how worn or tatty it was, reminiscing over the memory that it elicited, grieving for the lost opportunity to make more. The unbearable sadness hung heavily over you, like a black cloud, casting you in shadow. You cried silently until you reached a photograph near the bottom. It was a little shabby around the edges, but the colours glowed from it, bright as ever. It showed you and Jack, sat on a bench, giggling at some long-forgotten joke. He has his arm around you and your head rests lazily against his chest. Your eyes are closed but his are fixed firmly on you, drinking in the sight of your joy. You looked at the photo and saw love. You lingered on it for a long time as twilight crept into the room. Tears dripped from your eyes, one landing heavily on the photograph. You turned it over and saw Jack’s handwriting scrawled over the back, saying ‘On the bench where we met, one year later’. You had gone back on your first anniversary and asked a stranger to take a photo of you. You remembered Jack making you laugh just as it was taken, his usual sarcastic humour never failing to send you into hysterics. For a moment you felt a golden glow illuminate your insides and your heart sang a soft melody from a time long ago. But the crushing reality of your loneliness soon returned and that black cloud rained all over the hope burning in you.

 A lone moment of clarity descended upon you as the urge struck to go back to that bench. It was in London, in a park only ten minutes’ walk from your flat. You pulled on a pair of boots and a fluffy coat over Jack’s jumper, grabbed your keys, and left before you could come to your senses. It was a cold autumn night and you were a woman walking alone in the dark in London. It certainly wasn’t one of your better ideas, but you marched purposefully along the quiet streets none the less.

When you got to the park your feet took you in the right direction, your body remembering the exact spot more than your mind did. But when you saw it, there was someone already sitting on it. You faltered, as you hadn’t anticipated the possibility of having company. You almost turned around and went home again, but something drew you closer. The figure sat, elbows resting on knees, shoulders hunched and head hanging down. As you got closer you saw it was a man, tall by the look of it. He had what you guessed was blonde hair, but it was illuminated with dusky grey in the moonlight. You took a few more steps and felt a desperate loneliness radiating off him.

“Jack?” you ventured, your voice sailing across the quiet night.

His head snapped up and you saw the face of the man you loved, so familiar but painted with a sadness that was alien to you. His usually bright eyes were a deep blue-grey and his laughter lines had been replaced with threads of grief etched deeply into his skin. You rushed to him as he stood to meet you. You leapt into his arms and flung yours around his neck. You clutched each other tightly, silently breathing each other in and revelling in the comfort of your lover.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” you muttered, like a prayer.

You felt him shake his head and his chest hummed as he murmured, “Me too.”

You held his face, warm against your icy fingers, and felt stubble there – he clearly hadn’t been looking after himself either. He looked shattered in every sense.

“I didn’t mean it, all that shit I said. I want you with me, always. Please, don’t leave me Jack, please, please…”

He kissed your forehead and you felt a teardrop land there, “I’m righ’ here. I’m no’ goin’ anywhere, I promise.” You looked up to see him sobbing too.

“What are you doing here?” you whispered, curious.

“I’ve been here every night. At first I just wanted to come and sit, and think. But I guess I’ve been waitin’ for ye, hopin’ ye’d come back too.”

“I called you… so many times.”

He nodded sadly, “I couldn’t bear to hear yer voice. I thought ye were going to tell me ye wanted to end it for good, or ask me to move my stuff out. I thought if I didn’t pick up then I could cling onto ye for a little longer. I know it’s daft…” His head dropped, but you slipped your fingers beneath his chin and pushed him to meet your eyes again. “When I heard yer voicemail, listening to ye, Y/N, I crumbled.”

You hovered your lips above his, brushing against them ever so softly. You felt him sigh into you, and you kissed him, tenderly.

“I want you, for the rest of my life,” you breathed.

“It’s no’ gonnae get any easier.”

“I don’t care. If the last few days have shown me anything, it’s that I don’t want to live in a world where you aren’t mine. The tough times are worth it for how happy you make me. For better or for worse, right?”

He smiled into your neck before kissing you there. “Right… I love ye.”

You kissed him again and smiled, “I love you too.”

[getseriouser]

20 THOUGHTS: Smith’s crisp, Root buried

WHAT a wonderful time of year for crap weather? 

Footy has three weeks left with a lot still on the line and the Ashes is entrenched in prime time for the next four weeks.

Work from home, charge your phone only so you can use Menulog and just remember to rotate your couch cushions after each test match – no-one wants a sofa with permanent bum indentations, it’s unsightly.

 1.       We’ll get to the Ashes soon enough, but let’s cover off the air conveyance. And how the Swans were dudded. Well maybe not super much as they’re not making the finals any which way, but maybe Richmond or Brisbane, perhaps Collingwood or Essendon, by the massive missed free kick on Sam Reid in the dying seconds. The Giants lose that and their stranglehold on a double chance goes. Only one mistake, lets not crucify the umpire, but gee for ramifications it’s a doozy.

2.       Brisbane, looked like the Scraggers were some go for a while there last Sunday twilight, but once again those Lions chalked up another win and how bout their flag credentials they say? Yeah still not for me. They have the Gold Coast this week, wow, another game against a bottom ten team, and in Queensland. This team is in form, no doubt, but the validity of that form does not befit the record they have. It might be enough to win them some finals, sure, but this is not a premiership team.

3.       The Lions have had no injures, and have a league-high ten players who have played every game so far. Consistency at the selection table compared with teams like Richmond and Collingwood who have had periods without such luxuries, has been worth a win or two in itself for Brisbane, no question.

4.       Yeah, so Geelong. The record since the bye, for the position on the ladder they were in going into their week off, has to be amongst the worst in the comp relatively speaking. So when is a slump actually reflective of where you’re at? No-one would give them a show in a final against Richmond, so would need to somehow avoid them with GMHBA finals against interstate fodder and hope for a good run. For a team on top, 14-5 and 130%. Remarkable.

5.       Gold Coast, my Lord, this is supposed to be a team ten years past putting out teams not up to standard. At least back then it was ok, they were on the L plates, you knew they’d be super rubbish but it was all part of finding their feet. Now they’re just a middle-aged moron on the roads and you can’t give them an out for their shit driving, to maintain the metaphor. Remember, they lose their last three games, this season will equal their bad years of 2011 and 2012.

6.       Looks like we might be set for one South Australian team to finish eighth but without room for both. The Power’s upset over the Dons last Saturday probably gives them the advantage to take the final spot looking three weeks ahead, and at their cross-town rival’s expense. And if that’s the case, given the lopsided Showdown a few weeks ago, that eventuality probably seems about right.

7.       We haven’t had a draw yet, usually we’re good for one or two, other than 2016 we have always had a least one since 2014…. I didn’t say that all these thoughts had to be interesting, but at least this one is accurate.

8.       Blake Caracella to Essendon, that’s one or both of two things. Firstly, Caracella is a genius, his first year with Richmond was 2017, and look what happened to that coaching box, went from sackable to winning flags. So great bit of IP for the Bombers braintrust there. But also, could it be a little bit of what St Kilda did with Ratten last summer. If, and it’s a big “if”, you’re looking at reviewing your senior coach, why not get a talented assistant in early so such a replacement might already be under your roof. Almost like a succession plan, but unofficially.

9.       Adam Treloar was gutsy on Tuesday, just plain gutsy. Didn’t need to talk about his battles, and on such a public forum. But whilst it may have been therapeutic for him, the good it could do for so many other young men to accept, nor no longer dismiss, their struggles as human and to find ways to manage their wellbeing, was fantastic. Having a great year this year, and that’s not just on the field where he is looming large for the Copeland Trophy, but seemingly away from the field as well. Important stuff, won’t back down on that anytime soon. Keep talking.

10.   Some kudos to pot belly Jay Z Clark, who penned a very good angle on the Rising Star for 2019. Sam Walsh looks a runaway winner now, even myself a self-confessed Connor Rozee admirer acknowledges the Blue’s midfielder has it. But Clark points out that the Hawks’ James Worpel is only narrowly ineligible for this year’s award, and had he had played one fewer game in 2018 he’d be right in the frame for the gong this year. And it’s a good yarn, Worpel is having such an under the radar year, we know about Mitchell and O’Meara, but the kid from Bannockburn is a serious 200-plus games midfielder in the making.

11.   The Joe Daniher/Tom Harley thing stank a bit. It’s all come out now that its fine and nothing to see here, but yeah even so, it just stinks a bit. I know we’re all allowed to have mates and more often than not its nothing more than what it is, but sometimes when it looks a bit off it probably is. He isn’t leaving Essendon, but he ain’t as happy at Tullamarine as he could be, is my guess.

12.   Only one game, his first since Round 15, which was his first since Round 11, but 29 touches and five tackles for Bryce Gibbs on Saturday. He’ll be 31 at the start of next season, and who knows whether the Crows think they can get close again soon enough whilst the ex-Blue has something to offer, but clearly there’s still some value in him yet. This year has been strange but the game certainly hasn’t gone past him. Could be cheap if indeed Gibbs looks for a third club too, good value.

13.   Righto, some cricket. Steve Smith, well bugger me. 12 months out. We all saw that press conference at Sydney airport, that was a human being utterly broken. Not just an emotional guy but a sensitive sportsman, often had sleepless nights as captain such was the toll cricket had on him mentally. But to come out and hit 140 twice in the same match, first up, like seriously what the hell? Best since Bradman chatter can continue in the pub and that’s fine, but that was one of the most impressive batting displays you’ll ever be likely to see.

14.   So they’re coming for Cam Bancroft. I don’t buy it yet. Dave Warner did just as little, and sure, has the career to back up quite a few more chances, but unless you’re adamant Marcus Harris does any different you’re backing in the decision to go with Bancroft. Further, don’t forget the last red-ball hit out before the first test he looked a cut above anyone else, and that it is properly trying facing English quicks, in England, with a brand spanking new Duke. Not easy. He has another two tests for mine to get past 50, and I’m sure in four innings he can manage that.

15.   So the bowlers. Cummins is our best quick, he always plays, take him out of the dilemma. With a deck a little green, Pattinson was a great choice, and whilst he didn’t take a ton of wickets, he was only ever going to be a threat in the first innings and he did that. Siddle too, really impressive, I think he goes again at Lord’s. So Starc might get a look for Pattinson in the second test, but then third or fourth test, if we saw Hazlewood, it wouldn’t shock. Don’t think of the guys missing out as being dumped or dropped, think of our bowling options like your spice rack at home, and each test is like a different cuisine, requiring different flavour combinations.

16.   As for England, yep that top order stinks. And no matter how good a Bairstow or Stokes might be, any quality middle-order batsman will feel the pinch when they’re walking out at 3/30. And Rory Burns, nah, that’s the flukiest ton you’ll ever see. He isn’t quality. So unless someone pops outta County Cricket between now and breakfast, that’s a problem that will only continue to plague them throughout the series.

17.   And bowling, Jimmy Anderson wont play at least a couple more, for mine he is a ‘maybe, just maybe’ if its say 2-2 heading into the Oval. Otherwise nup. So in essence, get past Stuart Broad and that’s about it. Sure, Joffra Archer will play and look scary, but so is facing Shaun Tait, and look at how that Test career went. Great with the white pill, but in five-day cricket, let’s see.

18.   So Ben Simmons. The initial drawcard piece for the Australia-Team USA blockbuster. But to be honest he never was going to play. Its why the NHL doesn’t send players to the Winter Olympics, its why we don’t have State of Origin anymore in AFL and why it wouldn’t shock me to see proper NBA stars start forgoing Dream Team duties at Summer Olympics. But then he gets a squillion tax-payer dollars to promote Victoria whilst he is here, back home in the off-season. Can’t play basketball but can take a cheque for being here besides. Not great Ben, I do kinda get it, but its not great.

19.   As for Aussies to get behind, how did Nick Kyrgios get a mention so low down? Seriously, the tennis and personality he brought to the Washington Open was magnificent. Clearly a loose cannon, but when he is good, be it his on court form or his professionalism alongside it, he is very, very good. If your dog at home was the world’s best companion, but occasionally barked way too much and played up, would you keep it and work on those bad habits, or put it up for adoption? Kyrgios may never fulfill perfection, but I tell you what, there’s only five or so better chances for the US Open later this month. Don’t. Be. Surprised.

20.   And Fraser Anning has this month filed for bankruptcy. Nothing else to add, but worth a mention.

[moviegeekandproud-blog]

Aside from going to the movies as much as possible I do love a chill night in with good ol’ Netflix. With the ENDLESS amount of content on the streaming service, Netflix also loves putting out their own original movies and T.V. In between my trips to the theatre I just so happened to be able to catch a movie here and there throughout the year and like last year, here are the list of movies l watched with a brief review of how they turned out in no particular order.

Okja 

picture via pinterest

picture via slashfilm.com

Starring Tilda Swinton and Paul Dano

An exceptional adventure of a little girl named Mija risking everything to rescue her best friend, a remarkable animal named Okja from a multi-national company. I found this movie to be exciting, fantastical, and touching friendship story with a satirizing message regarding the food industry. With comic and over the top performances from everyone involved including Jake Gyllenhaal, you will fall in love with the lovable Okja.

3 ½ out of 5

I Don’t Feel at Home in This World Anymore

picture via imdb.com

picture via mistfts.com

Starring Melanie Lynskey and Elijah Wood

This dark comedy involving a woman whose home was burglarized and gets inspired to find the people who did it with the help of an eccentric and obnoxious neighbor. As they dig deeper they get entangled in a much bigger situation they are clearly not prepared to handle. This movie is not bad. I liked the wit of the script. Since it is a comedy, there are a lot of bumbling criminals running around the movie but I think the self help the depressed lead is going through is interesting enough to keep it realistic and a little relatable to anyone who feels like they get shit on every day and just can’t get a break. Check this out if you feel like something indie to watch. A comedy with a bit of substance.

3 out of 5

Naked

andcompany.com

picture via consequenceofsound.net

Starring Marlon Wayans and Regina Hall

With no explanation given at all, Marlon Wayans plays a man who happens to be caught in a time loop repeating the day of his wedding to his fiancé. Not only that, he wakes up completely naked. Only he remembers his previous day and must find a way to make it to his wedding and marry the woman he loves. The concept is nothing new you haven’t seen before and unfortunately, the hijinks were a bit too silly to be taken seriously. Yes, it is a comedy but it has to be funny and somewhat real even for comedy sake. No real interesting characters. Marlon is charming but he was given a horrible script to work with. Its an okay watch but once it is over you will forget you watched it.

2 out of 5

Little Evil

picture via imdb.com

picture via hypable.com

Starring Adam Scott and Evangeline Lilly

A horror comedy spoof of The Omen a man marries a woman with a 6-year-old son of her own. Typical modern family except that he believes the is might be the antichrist. I love the concept and Owen Atlas who plays the devil’s child is great in it as the brooding evil incarnate. Evangeline is funny as the naïve mother unaware of her son’s true destiny. Packed full of other known standup comedians and T.V. actors this has a bit of humor that keeps you engage but as the movie progresses it gets way too silly and a little boring. This is one I think can be scrolled pass but if you like the actors associated, give it a shot.  What do you have to lose? Your soul?

1 ½ out of 5

Take the 10

picture via imdb.com

picture via imdb.com

Starring Josh Peck and Tony Revolori

A comedy involving two friends who plan to make a big change in their life has to tie up loose ends when a drug deal goes bad. All taking place in one day, this movie is told in interwoven shorts from the perspective of a different character each time covering the same 24 hours. This movie would actually be worth recommending but the characters are not likable at all. In fact, one of them is just a straight up asshole who is too narcissistic for his own good. The Y generation may find this enjoyable and relatable as well as anyone who lives or knows southern California well to understand the joke within the title. It wasn’t boring just not a great movie.

3 out of 5

iBoy

picture via imdb.com

picture via inuth.com

Starring Bill Milner and Maisie Williams

Trying to capture on the superhero fad, a young boy is given the ability to control anything technological. Of course, no superhero with powers are created without a tragedy. He gets these abilities because pieces of his cellphone were implemented into his brain after being shot in the head while on the phone. Discovering his new gifts, he uses them to save his crush and take back the neighborhood that is being controlled by a mobster and his goons. This idea is about as bonkers as it sounds. It actually attempts to try and be a serious authentic crime drama. The acting is par and the movie isn’t slow. The way he uses his abilities is creative but this story is a stretch to be taken seriously. For you Game of Throne fans out there that want to see Arya Stark out of her war garment then check this out, otherwise, this is a movie you don’t need to see.

2 out of 5

#realityhigh

picture via imdb.com

picture via dailydot.com

Starring Nesta Cooper and Keith Powers

Combine the color and upbeat acting of Disney and the updated and modern teen experience of Freeform and you got yourself a high school comedy. This one involves a high-achieving high school girl who is supposedly someone who isn’t beautiful to get the man of her dreams because she wears glasses witnesses her crush dating someone who is the center of a reality tv show that follows her around. Through certain circumstances she is drawn into the world of being popular and getting everything, she wants but also risking losing the very thing she didn’t believe she had the whole time. I actually enjoyed watching this teen flick. All the characters were very likable, they all had brains and had a voice and it seemed that everyone got their fair share of screen time. I actually see this show being a great series. At the end of the day it is a cheesy teen flick that makes millenials look like technologic narcissistic zombies. If they decide to do more of these following up what happens next, I wouldn’t object. Honestly, if you watch the trailer and have interest in watching it, check it out.

4 out of 5

You Get Me

picture via imdb.com

picture via netflix.com

Starring Bella Thorne and Halston Sage

A thriller in the same vain as A Fatal Attraction, Swimfan, and anything involving a love affair turned deadly. Bella Throne is the new Glenn Close in this teen suspense movie when she has a one-night stand with a man who recently broke up with his long-time girlfriend. After a weekend of sex and cuddles, he tries to get back with his girlfriend realizing what he lost and she decides that he is the new love of her life and will destroy anyone that gets in her way. This movie was a little cheesy as some of the actions carried out seemed to unreal to be carried out. I don’t really feel sorry for the victim or protagonist of the movie. These movies tend to bug me sometimes with the idea that a woman can’t go without a man. Just think if this movie was Twilight and Stewart’s Bella went all postal in addition to her obsession with Edward. If you are a fan of Bella Thorne, check this out. If not, this is the same ol’ same ol’ tale.

2 out of 5

1922

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picture via basementrejects.com

Starring Thomas Jane and Molly Parker

The Stephen King adaptation of his novel 1922 sees a prideful father and farmer who is having financial troubles keeping his farm afloat. His wife wants to sell but he is to proud to give it up. Convincing his son to participate, they plot to kill his wife to make sure they can keep the farm. The outcome is far more than they would imagine. Paranoia, deceiving, and ghostly visions and dreams plague the father and son who try and keep up the charade that their mother just disappeared. Haunted by their crime the movie gives off a thrilling ride to possible insanity. This movie is more drama than horror and more depressing then suspenseful. Doesn’t mean this movie wasn’t good but just know that this movie may not be what you think it is. If you want to see a gut-wrenching story and the desperation of what one man would do to keep his livelihood, you may enjoy this film.

3 out of 5.

The Babysitter

picture via wikipedia.com

picture via bloodydisgusting.com

Starring Samara Weaving and Judah Lewis

This horror comedy is one of the best horror films in 2017. It is silly in a McG sort of way but has a lot of heart in it. This movie has everything: cults, bullies, spiders, shirtless hot guy, blood sacrifices, deflating implants all wrapped up in a big bow with McG’s signature stamp on it. That can only mean you are in for a bizarre, twisted, and funny flick mixed with some jump scares, some cool kills and the laws of gravity are thrown away because it’s McG. I love the cast and they played likable characters. This will make you laugh and there is a lot of blood. I think the script is clever and the friendship between the babysitter and her charge is the best part. A slow start in the beginning but once it happens it doesn’t stop.

4 ½ out of 5

Gerald’s Game

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picture via fhm.com

Starring Carla Gugino and Bruce Greenwood

An adapted Stephen King novel adapted for screen was one of the best ideas in 2017. I have never heard of this novel before and it is terrifying to watch. What a well done film with suburb acting from Carla Gugino who is at a cabin with her husband trying to spice up their relationship but due to unfortunate events she is put through the most brutal mental test to find out if she has what it takes to survive. This was a gut-wrenching edge of your seat one woman show. It will have you spooked, bewildered, and any other intense feeling you can think of. I highly recommend this film and towards the end you will witness one of the most painful look away scenes of 2017.

5 out of 5

If you would like to read a full review of What Happened to Monday and Death Note, click here and here.

There are more to be seen and eventually I will get to more. Which Netflix movies did you watch in 2017? Comment below with your favorites and ones that were just the worse. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you at the movies.

title photo provided by vancouvereconomic.com

Netflix Original Movies 2017 Aside from going to the movies as much as possible I do love a chill night in with good ol’ Netflix.

[multiformis-dei-blog]

Tarot Reading: 2018, The Year Ahead

This one was, um... well... it was somethin’, that’s for sure.

Using @shadowscapes-stephlaw‘s incredibly watercolored Shadowscapes deck, I pulled a total of 14 cards for the coming year. The first card represents the overall theme from the previous year, the next twelve represent the months of the year to come, and the last card represents the overall theme for the new year. I didn’t lay them out in any particular way; rather, I read each card one-by-one and set it aside when I was done.

2017, The Passing Year - Eight of Swords

I feel trapped, but the bonds that hold me are of my own creation. Rather than being physically encumbered, I’ve been approaching my circumstances from the wrong frame of mind. In so doing, I’ve missed some important details that would allow me to change my part in them. The Eight of Swords suggests that I approach the situation from a different angle so I can see things as they truly are.

The Eight of Swords evokes a sense of powerlessness, of playing the victim. The card wants to remind me that this predicament is one that I’ve allowed by failing to recognize my options or, more likely, to take advantage of the ones set before me. (Thanks, friend.) If I’m going to find my way out of this mess, I’ve got to take back my power, accept a little personal accountability, and press on. Even though it’s not a given that the options laid before me are all good ones, they are options.

In my specific situation, I’m being opposed by family members who are disinclined to accept my autonomy as a person, my right to differing opinions, and my freedom to choose the paths that are best for me. The issue is compounded by the fact that these are ailing, elderly relatives and I’m now living with them as a means of providing support in their twilight years. In their eyes, I’m still very much a child, and significant number of confrontations have arisen as a result. The situation is, quite frankly, toxic, abusive, and demoralizing. Still, I feel obligated and I know I’d be wrestling with a heaping pile of guilt were I to simply up and leave. Even after four months of this, I’m not sure how to find a middle ground wherein everyone feels respected and heard.

January - Queen of Wands

Honestly, I was a little surprised to see the Queen of Wands in this spread, particularly in this position. She is such a strong, independent woman - a dominant, fiery feminine energy who isn’t afraid to show her power and rises to meet her challenges with fierce determination - that I can hardly remember what it’s like to feel that way. What’s more? Though she knows the full extent of her influence, she is still friendly and optimistic toward everyone around her. She’s pretty much #goals.

I think her purpose here is to remind me that I am rather like her in many ways or, at the very least, that I was before. I think she intends to show me that I can take charge of my own life again and that I should pursue that with courage and fervor. Whatever I set out to do, I should tackle with her passion and sunny demeanor, and I should use my connections to make the experience more satisfying for all of us.

I’m going to see a new primary care physician in the middle of the month and I’ve got to admit that I’m a little excited. I’ve heard fantastic things about her and I’ve got a whole laundry list of issues I’d like to address with her. Now that I’ve entered a new decade, it’s more important to me than ever to get a handle on my health so that I can continue to enjoy my life for as long as I’ve got it.

(It’s important to remember that, for all her positive vibes, the Queen of Wands can’t be taken unchecked. I’ve got to be careful that confidence doesn’t turn into brashness and that I’m not tempted to take on an argumentative or self-righteous demeanor. A little humility goes a long way.)

February - The Devil, Reversed

You know, The Devil isn’t a card that I’m ever too worried about. I think he represents our humanity and our connection with the physical world, and that’s not really something I’m ashamed of. Then again, I’m the kind of person who doesn’t really buy into the Christian notion that he’s the master of supreme evil in the first place; rather, in my mind, he’s the most human of all of us. He represents all of our shortcomings and the many ways in which they manifest.

When I see The Devil in a spread, my attention is drawn to the ways in which I’ve allowed my humanity to prevent me from moving forward. Am I spending too much time obsessively browsing Tumblr when I should be doing something to further the good things I got started in January? Probably. Am I allowing my family members to get under my skin and create more stress in my life than I ought to be dealing with? Yeah, that too. More likely than not, I’m well on my way to being knee deep in another depressive episode because, historically speaking, February is a really tough month for me.

I typically handle my emotions by engaging in what my therapist has identified as disordered eating. We’re not entirely sure whether it qualifies as a full-blown binge eating disorder, but we do know that it’s a fairly poor coping mechanism for me and that I’ll end up being more upset by my choices in the end. I think The Devil is acting as a reminder that this is A Thing for me and warning me to be prepared for it. I’m hoping to establish other hoping skills over the next few weeks so I’m not sliding into February with fifteen pints of Ben & Jerry’s, a box of tissues, and a side order of guilt.

March - Nine of Pentacles

After struggling my way through February, the Nine of Pentacles wants me to know that March is the perfect time for a little rest. She suggests that I will be reentering a phase in my life in which I feel self-sufficient, and I couldn’t be more excited about that! Before moving in to care for my relatives, I’d been living on my own for the better part of the last thirteen years. Needless to say, this has been a HUGE change for me.

The leisure time and material comfort afforded by the Nine of Pentacles is usually the result of some great effort beforehand. Perhaps I’ve been working hard toward accomplishing the goals I set for myself in January - hopefully I’ve had the foresight to break things down into smaller, more achievable tasks to keep me motivated! - and a little reward is in order. (The key word, of course, is little.) Because some of my goals stretch over the long term, she’s likely encouraging me to continue with renewed self-determination so that I can reap even greater rewards.

April - Nine of Swords, Reversed

The Nine of Swords is a card of worry. When it’s reversed, the anxiety it represents is unwarranted; I’m probably making more of a fuss than I should because things seem more complicated than they really are. The Nine of Swords needs me to take a deep breath, step back, and figure out what’s actually going on before I get worked into a tizzy. Worrying’s kind of a problem for me anyway, so I’m not very surprised.

May - The Emperor, Reversed

Uuugh. I am not excited about this. Not at all.

The Emperor, in his upright state, represents all that is well and good about its masculine energy. In reverse, the card can basically be summed up in two words: “toxic masculinity.” Already, I’ve got a feeling that this card is intended to represent my male relative, who is prone toward abusing his authority and strong-arming his way through anything that makes him uncomfortable in the slightest. The Emperor is warning me that there will be conflict, probably stemming from my relative’s need to flex his muscle as “man of the house” to mask his insecurities about... well, everything, really. He’s ailing and unable to do many of the things he used to enjoy, and he really doesn’t know how to handle anyone who has thoughts that differ from his own. Add to that the fact that he is losing some of his hearing and misinterprets things, along with an old injury to the frontal lobe that interferes with his judgment and impulse control, and you’ve got a pretty solid recipe for flaring tempers.

It gets ugly with such frequency that I almost have to laugh at this card, and I probably would if not for the fact that I’m worried that this means I’m in for more trouble than usual.

June - Seven of Swords, Reversed

Even though the Seven of Swords often represents a string of challenges that seem insurmountable, its reversal promises that they can be overcome with perseverance. When the time is right, things will budge.

July - The Hanged Man, Reversed

The last couple of months have probably felt pretty stagnant, with little or no progress, but The Hanged Man in reverse indicates that things will be set in motion again soon enough. Though my faith may be hanging on by a thread at this point in the year, this card assures me that I’ve got the tenacity to endure.

August - Ten of Wands

Although the Ten of Wands represents success after a struggle, it acts as a strong reminder that there’s no time for me to rest on my laurels. If I want to keep making progress, there’s still much more to be done. It’s likely that I’ll get burnt out somewhere along the way, constantly struggling against my family and a work schedule that will probably double while my boss takes multiple vacations. Being understaffed and underpaid, then going home to Mr. Grouch himself? Fun times. I’m thrilled.

Without a doubt, the Ten of Wands is reminding me that time management skills are going to be essential to keep me from going completely bonkers. Time management is an area in which I really struggle, so I’m actually pretty thankful that I’ve got this much forewarning so that I can get my shit together well in advance. Streamlining much of my day-to-day life will probably help, too.

September - Nine of Cups, Reversed

Because the Nine of Cups is associated with daydreaming and wish-making, its reversal usually indicates that things just aren’t going according to plan. In my case, it seems highly likely that I’m still stuck in the planning phase of something big, hoping to make things just so before I actually put things in motion. Admittedly, I’m a bit of a perfectionist, so this isn’t really much of a stretch.

If I have managed to get things rolling, it’s possible that the reversed Nine of Cups indicates some discomfort with the way things are unfolding. Sometimes, I get this clear picture in my head of the way things are “supposed to be” and I struggle to let go of that idea. Instead of being happy with the progress I’m making, however small, I tend to get discouraged when I see how little I’ve actually gotten done and how much more there is to do. It’s also entirely possible that I’ll spot mistakes in my work and feel like I need a complete do-over to correct them. I... might be a little difficult sometimes.

October - Two of Swords

Mm... I’m not surprised, really. After having what’ll probably be a fairly fussy September, it looks like I’m stuck in a situation that’ll require a little conflict resolution. Whether the conflict is purely internal or with some outside force is unclear at the moment, but I know myself well enough to think it’s likely to be a little of both. It’s entirely possible that I’ll drag my feet in hopes that I don’t have to make a tough decision, but my nagging conscience will keep whatever it is at the very forefront of my mind until I do.

The blindfolded figure serves as a reminder that I’m not seeing the situation clearly and that I need to gather more information or perhaps a new perspective. I’m the kind of person who likes to weigh all of her options pretty thoroughly before I do anything, so maybe this is suggesting something that really requires my full attention? Whatever the case, the problem appears to be one that can be solved through a logical, possibly persuasive approach.

November - The Sun

In light of the difficulties that September and October’s cards suggest, it appears that a satisfactory conclusion has been, or will soon be, reached by the time November rolls around. The Sun’s warmth and positive energy will provide some very welcome encouragement, and I fully intend to bask in it for as long as possible.

December - Ten of Swords

Sadly, it looks like the feelings of comfort, success, and prosperity won’t be all that long-lived. December’s Ten of Swords brings with it the threat of some sudden, unforeseen disaster. Sometimes there’s enough time to soften the blow, and sometimes you just get wrecked. Ten of Swords doesn’t really make any promises.

Often, the Ten of Swords brings with it feelings of powerlessness and victimization, and a sense of deep loss. It could be that a longstanding relationship falls apart after a shockingly painful betrayal, which is well-supported with the image of a figure being stabbed repeatedly in the back. Whatever the case, the Ten of Swords leaves little doubt that this is when I’ll truly hit rock bottom. There’s some small consolation in knowing that things can only go up from here, but even that’s not much comfort in this situation.

2018, The Coming Year - Page of Cups, Reversed

In his reversed position, the Page of Cups represents someone who is emotionally and spiritually immature. Because he does not have well developed skills in these areas, he has the tendency to be insecure and might, as a result, lash out at other people in ways that are emotionally abusive and self-serving. He is prone to child-like tantrums and a total loss of emotional control, which sounds a lot like someone I know. Though I am very disappointed, I am not at all surprised. What used to be a fairly decent relationship has deteriorated at an alarming rate over the last few months, and I’m tired.

Because The Devil also shows up in my reading, the cards want me to be aware that I may be inclined to overindulge as a way to escape the situation. Usually they’re referring to substance abuse, but I know that food’s far more likely to be my issue. I’ve got to get a better handle on positive coping mechanisms, otherwise I’m in for a whole boatload of setbacks all year.