#two hours of retreat coach training DURING WHICH I HAVE JUST REALIZED LIKE 16 HOURS BEFORE IT HAPPENS I WILL BE GOING FIRST TO SHARE A

[pepprs]

mutuals i am hanging by threads. THREADS

[ladyanatui]

The Seduction of Motomiya Daisuke, Ch. 8 *A Daiken Fic*

Daisuke’s friendship with Ken has always come easily. It’s the lusting after your best friend part that’s hard.

He just didn’t realize how hard until Ken starts acting weird.

Now, Daisuke isn’t sure how long he can handle his BFF and roommate’s sudden attentions. At least, not without potentially ruining a 12-year friendship.

AO3 | FF.Net

Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17

DAISUKE

Saturday, 1 p.m.

By the time we reach the park, Ken doesn't look any more pleased with the idea than the moment when, after we put away the groceries, I chucked the soccer ball at his head and he barely managed to catch it before it smacked him in the face. He argued, he complained, he cajoled, and yes, he had a point—it did rain most of the train ride home, though the rain stopped before we had to walk through it—but I didn't relent.

"When has a little rain ever been a problem?" I asked him. "Are you afraid of getting a tiny bit muddy? Are you that much of a clean freak, Ichijouji?"

I wasn't surprised when he bristled. "Not afraid." But then he paused and admitted quietly, "I'm out of practice, though."

Which is all too true, and perhaps a large reason I want to play a little one-vee-one.

We played against each other from that first all-important match in fifth grade till high school graduation, and winning against Tamachi was rare. In a one-vee-one against Ichijouji Ken, Tamachi's number one striker? Nearly impossible.

But he hasn't played since high school, aside from an occasional casual match—not even once a month.

I at least play a weekly game with a few guys, though it's laid-back and most of them aren't enough competition. I at least have some practice still.

Hell, if there's even a tiny chance I can kick his ass, I'm gonna take it.

So no, I didn't relent, no matter how much he complained.

And I won't relent now that we're here either.

"It's called muscle memory, Ichijouji," I say as I pause at the edge of the pitch beside him.

His mouth tightens into a scowl, but he doesn't look at me. "Just because you play a casual game every week doesn't mean you'll manage to beat me."

I cock an eyebrow. "Care to put that to the test then?"

Ken smirks, finally meeting my eyes. "And what do I get when I win, Motomiya?"

Excellent.

"Depends." I toss the ball up in the air and catch it with one hand. "What do you want?"

His blue-violet eyes study me carefully while determining his response, and he settles on a cool but dangerous sort of confidence. "You'll find out when I win."

I scoff, but I'm practically buzzing with energy. "Well, I already know exactly what I want when I win, and I'm not telling you till I do."

This kind of tension is exactly what I live for. I thrive on it.

Most of the time, Ken retreats into himself, hiding away from the world, especially around people he doesn't know well. He's decent with the other Chosen now—talks to them more openly, smiles and laughs more often—but no one else draws out this Ken like I do.

This Ken is confident, competitive, even eager. He's cool and collected and smug, he's occasionally cruel but in a good-natured way, and he likes to win. Honestly, this Ken sometimes frightens me. He gets my blood boiling, my heart thumping at full force, sends some positively perverse thoughts through my head. He's the Ken most reflective of his Kaiser persona, but it's not the same, he's not the same. Because unlike the Kaiser, he has a warm, hearty laugh, he cracks jokes, he teases, and through it all, he remains the kind, pensive, intelligent, sweet Ken he always is.

"I guess we have no choice then," he says, flippant, and begins a determined march toward the center of the field.

My eyes gravitate toward his perfect ass as he stalks across the soggy grass. He's wearing his high school soccer uniform—it is the most appropriate attire for the occasion, and it's tight enough not to get in the way. It's honestly impressive the thing still fits him after five years. But it's not like he's gained weight—only grown a few more centimeters.

Okay.

Subconsciously, I may have suggested this because I wanted to see Ken in uniform again.

Fucking worth it.

And here's hoping I don't get too distracted by the spectacular view. Because I want to win.

I have plans for if I win, dammit.

He walks with the confidence that I'll follow, and he's right about that. But I would follow Ken anywhere.

Before I'm even halfway across the pitch, he's at the center, and he begins his typical warm-up routine: hip flexors, calf stretch, quad stretch, heel stretch, and a few modified versions of his normal stretches to avoid sitting on the muddy ground.

I stumble to a stop the moment he slowly bends over, one ankle crossed over the other, arms down, hands flattening on the wet grass in front of his feet. Because the view of his pert ass couldn't possibly be better. And dear god, that flexibility could be put to some good use under more intimate circumstances.

Yeah, I'm fucked.

I force my feet to move again, slowly approaching, and drop the ball on the ground when I reach him.

Ken throws a terse glance my way as he hooks an arm behind his head in a simple shoulder stretch. "You ready to get your ass handed to you, Motomiya?"

I spend half a second more staring at him.

But it's time to get my head in gear or I'm going to lose. And losing isn't an option today. I want to implement my plan tonight, and winning this match may be exactly what I need to get the ball rolling.

"Don't get too cocky, Ichijouji," I snap and begin to do a few stretches of my own. "I won't let you win so easily."

Of course, that also requires me to pretend I'm not deathly curious what would happen if he won, what he wants from me.

He smiles. "You never make anything easy."

I frown, not quite sure what he means, but he starts doing a round of jumping jacks before I can even consider whether I should ask. And then I'm staring again.

No.

I won't let him distract or confuse me, dammit.

Once we're both properly warmed up, we decide victory goes to the first to score five goals, and per usual, Ken devotes himself wholly to the task at hand.

He snags the ball immediately, and I rush to keep up with him. His long legs and low mass make him fast, but he's not the same kid running circles around my entire team anymore.

In high school, we were much more evenly matched—partially because no one knew better than me how to anticipate Ken's thoughts and moves. If we'd played on a team together, we would've been in complete sync, able to predict each other and play off of the other's strengths. But as opponents…well, I'm pretty sure our coaches thought we spent too much time trying to outdo each other than actually win the game.

He scores the first goal, but I get the ball next, dribbling it toward the opposite goal. This time, he chases me. By the time he scores a second shot, I've managed three goals.

A proud grin spreads across my mouth when we meet at the center again, but Ken's eyes narrow in a way that's strikingly familiar.

In a way that makes me fear for my life.

And my sanity.

Grass stains and little flecks of mud spread up his body, primarily on his shoes and shins, but there's even the occasional streak on his arm.

I gulp.

Mud has never looked so damn attractive.

He snatches the ball immediately and, to no one's surprise, levels the playing field with another score before I can do anything but follow in his wake.

Dammit.

Five years since he's played a competitive soccer game, and he's still this fucking good. Muscle memory is part of it—he did play for over a decade—but honestly, I attribute it to what I call Ken Magic. Even without the Dark Seed, Ken remains the most intelligent and talented person I know.

Koushiro-san, ever the logical one, insists that's technically incorrect. That while, yes, Ken is very intelligent and skilled, his IQ isn't what it was as the Kaiser. That I'm biased because Ken is so important to me.

True or not—and I guess Koushiro-san is generally trustworthy on these matters—I don't care.

Ken is smart, kind, patient, ambitious, talented at everything, and absolutely beautiful. Of course I'm biased. How could I not be biased? He's practically perfect, no matter how dark his past is or how much it still bothers him, and I have no problems explaining that to anyone.

But I have serious problems with him winning this match.

"I thought you were going to make this a challenge, Motomiya," he says when we meet at centerfield again.

I shrug. "Alright, I gave you that last one. You looked pretty upset." And you know, I was too busy ogling him to focus. "Besides, I like the challenge of whooping your ass when the score is this close."

He glares, but it gets my point across. "Don't you dare let me win out of pity, Motomiya." His voice is dangerously low.

"I wouldn't dare. I want this too much."

Plus, I'm fairly certain he would murder me if he ever legitimately believed I took it easy on him.

We each only have two points left to win, but I'm not so sure of my victory now. Still, this is a better shot at beating Ken in a one-vee-one than I've ever had before, and I managed to beat him a few times during his prime.

Besides, what better way to interrogate him about the last thirty-six hours than to do it under the pretense of a bet? If I win this, I intend to launch a full investigation into his recent behavior, into his...potential feelings.

Not that he needs to know that.

He takes the ball, but I dart around him and kick it in the opposite direction, right between his legs. He stumbles and we collide not even a second later, all hands and legs and feet and mud and sweat.

Ken lands on top of me, blue-violet eyes staring into my soul. My breath catches at our close proximity. Heat rises to my cheeks. And he…

He slips off easily before running after the ball.

It takes a moment to collect myself, mostly because my back is now coated in grass and mud. And stupid Ken didn't fare nearly so bad—he has a couple muddle, scraped knees and shins for his fall.

By the time I chase after him, he's scored his fourth goal.

Shit.

This is going to be closer than I thought.

But I always perform better when the chips are down. I need to score twice before letting him get a final goal.

And under the circumstances, I don't mind playing a little dirty.

We start again at centerfield, and this time, I hesitate just long enough for him to dribble the ball to the side to pass me. I spin with him so we're side to side, then trace a finger down his spine—Ken staggers, and I kick the ball with my heel, sending is flying between us and toward my goal.

I dart after it before he has a chance to turn around—or worse, retaliate.

Once I'm close enough, Ken on my heels, a quick instep kick is all it takes to level the score again.

One goal away.

"You cheated," he snaps as we march back to centerfield.

I laugh. "It's not like I tripped you or even pulled your shirt, Ichijouji. No ref would've called me on that."

He shoots a glare my way. "I don't care if a referee would've let is slide. You used your knowledge of my body against me. That's cheating."

I splutter, nearly dropping the ball.

My knowledge of his body?

Okay, I mean, that's technically accurate. But does he really have to say it like that when all he means is that I know how sensitive and ticklish he is and where?

"Come on, Motomiya!" He's five paces ahead, and I scurry to catch up as he snarls, "Next person to score wins, and then I get the bathroom first."

I scowl. "You're going to make me sit in a muddy mess while you take a nice long bath, aren't you?"

"You better not make a mess anywhere while you wait." We reach the center, and he turns to glare at me. "Let's get this over with already."

With the final ball, Ken is in full-on general mode, nudging and cutting the ball across the pitch diagonally, but I run down the center line to cut him off. I dive close when he reaches midfield, and he tries to evade me with an elastico, but I don't let him shake me off. Determination in his eyes, he glances toward the center and the goal, plotting his next move.

It's a feint.

When he kicks the ball again, it's a scoop turn to send the ball to the left instead, and I'm ready for him, slicing across the space to nudge it back to the right and under my control. He twists to reach me, but I nudge the ball behind me and away from him before darting back, nudging it into the air, and sending it arcing over and around him toward my goal.

Ken releases a low growl, and he's on my heels the moment I catch up to the ball, dribbling it down the field. He drives me toward the edge, cornering me in an attempt to steal the ball back, but I'm not going to let him beat me this time.

I catch the ball with one foot, sliding it to the other with a swift one-eighty spin, then pull the ball with me. Leaving me with enough space to shoot the ball with an instep kick, driving it right into the side netting.

Then, I stumble and fall, body pushed to the ground with a face full of wet grass.

Panting—and practically growling—Ken sits atop my lower back, hands holding my shoulders down. But he doesn't say anything.

I manage to push up enough to breath more than just mud and grass, and once I catch my breath, I try to turn to him. "Something wrong, Ichijouji?" Still can't see more than a scraped and muddy leg.

"Okay, fine, you won." He leans close to my ear, irritation lacing his voice. "What do you want from me?"

The words send a chill down my spine.

Everything.

I want everything from Ken.

But that's not what he means.

I pull my knee up and push off with my center, sending him flying to the ground, flat on his back. I collapse beside him with a deep sigh, eyes staring up at the overcast sky. "Don't you worry about a thing, Ichijouji. You'll find out tonight."

[gobigorgohome2016]

USATF 15k Champs / Gate River Run

I was talking on the phone with my mom earlier this week and mentioned how I wasn’t going to make it to my great-niece’s birthday party on Sunday, with the race happening this weekend and all.  My mom’s response was that she didn’t even know I was racing.  Let me remind you that, like a true millennial, I talk to my mom approximately 35 times per day.  Apparently racing on the circuit has become so second nature to me that I fail to even tell my mom about it.  

The USATF 15K championships were held in Jacksonville, FL this weekend as part of the Gate River Run. One exciting aspect was that I was able to cross a new state off my list.  I have now raced in 21 states, and have gone for a run in 28 states.  

Since the race was on Saturday, I left for Jacksonville early Thursday morning.  I’m a big fan of arriving 2 days ahead of time, the earlier the better.  As an added bonus, since I have been going to bed earlier it wasn’t a big deal to go to bed at 10 and wake up at 5:30 AM for my 7:30 AM flight.  PS, I LOVE living 15 minutes from the Indy airport.

I arrived to Jacksonville around noon and was able to finish up some work for the day before taking a nap. My roommate arrived around 3, and at 4 PM we went for a run along Jacksonville’s riverfront.  Afterwards, I attempted to find a grocery store, but quickly found myself in an incredibly sketchy part of downtown and retreated. I ran into the ZAP fitness team, and they invited me to join them for dinner.  I was really apprehensive because they were heading to a Thai restaurant, and I wasn’t so sure how my garlic and soy sensitivities could be accommodated.  However, I was STARVING and not really in a position to be picky about food.  

I wound up ordering the only thing on the menu that appeared safe:  Beef pho.  Even though it was a huge gamble, I didn’t have any stomach issues whatsoever, and it turns out that pho is just bone broth with onions and bean sprouts. Major fortuitous win on my part!

After dinner I headed back to the hotel and met my other roommate.  Even though races generally allow you to request roommates, I like to leave it up to chance.  So far, I have had great roommates and made many new friends.  

The next morning, my Oiselle teammate, Andie Cozarelli, texted me about finding a grocery store. She also has food sensitivities, and oftentimes it feels like she is one of few people who really “get” what I go through when it comes to fueling.  A lot of the time I feel self-conscious talking about my food sensitivities, especially because I have been increasingly accused of having an eating disorder.  While that is a whole other blog post in itself, I will just say that it is really nice to have someone I can talk to about the challenges I have in regards to finding the proper foods for my body.  

We found a Fresh Market about 1.5 miles from the hotel and walked over.  Even though these races definitely have a “business” component, one of my favorite parts is catching up with all of my running friends and meeting new ones. What does a runner with food sensitivities buy when fueling for a 15k race?

-kombucha -a bag of pre-cooked quinoa -an 85% dark chocolate bar -vegetables from the salad bar -a can of salmon -Fage Greek yogurt -Magic Hat #9 beer

What food did I pack?

-4 Lara bars (cherry and peanut butter chocolate chip) -1 microwaveable forbidden rice bowl -3 Kashi peanut and hemp crunch bars -3 oranges -3 bananas -3 packets of Justin’s almond or hazelnut butter -4 packets of apple cinnamon oatmeal -1 bag of granola -rice cakes -2 Perfect Bars -3 bags of black tea; 3 bags of green tea; 3 bags of peppermint tea

After the grocery store excursion, Andie, my ZAP friends, and their friend Tim and I all went for a run. I was planning 5 miles in the AM and a 3 mile shake out later, but I decided that 3 mi round trip of walking was already kind of a lot so I only did a 5 mile run.  During our shakeout we saw a pack (flock, murder, group, school?) of dolphins.  

Then I had breakfast (2 bags of oatmeal with almond butter and a banana) with Andie, and we made plans for work.  I had a 1700 word article entitled Can You Run a Marathon without Training? due that day, and she had some work of her own. After a highly unproductive 1.5 hours of work, we took a break for lunch.  I had a microwaveable bowl of forbidden rice (80 grams of carbs in one serving!!!) with some of the veggies from the salad bar and a can of salmon, as well as an orange and part of my chocolate bar.  Then I finished my article.

Next, I had signed up to go with a bus group to The Sanctuary, which is an after-school program for inner city/underprivileged kids.  This was so much fun.  We formed a circle around the kids and introduced ourselves while talking about the role running has played in our lives.  Paul Chelimo brought his silver medal and allowed the kids to try it on. They clearly loved the experience. One thing that stuck out to me is the importance of representation.  These children were primarily African-American, and during the q&a session they were given the opportunity to choose a runner and ask him or her a question.  With the exception of me (I was asked by a little girl if I thought I could win the race) (I said I stand on every starting line believing that winning is always a possibility), the African-American runners were clearly the ones that these children looked up to.  It really bothers me that people become so upset about the number of African-born US runners.  Besides the fact that many of these people are my friends and I know that they did not simply wake up one day and say, “I am going to become a citizen” and then a week later started waving an American flag, I feel we should be more understanding that greater competition and representation in sport makes us all better.  I’m not going to get upset and complain that a non-US native beat me; I’m going to try and get faster.  

Anyway.

After that we had our tech meeting, and then dinner.  The pre-race dinner wasn’t one that I felt comfortable eating – pizza and pasta – so I opted to bring my own food.  While pizza and pasta are two things I love to make at home, they almost always contain garlic, which is one food that I am most highly sensitive towards.  Instead, I brought up my packet of pre-cooked quinoa and the rest of my veggies.  After that meal, I had my “dessert” of Greek yogurt and granola, finished with peppermint tea and a beer.  

Before I went to bed, I was texting with Dave.  Leading up to the race I had been feeling pretty nervous.  I’m not typically nervous going into races, but I’ve known for the past few weeks that I am on the verge of a breakthrough.  My workouts have been going better than ever, and I really wanted this race to be the one that showcased my improved fitness.  I told him I had two mantras for the day (both borrowed from oiselle):  Be a gritty bitch (thanks Sally!), and dig deep, get ugly (thanks Heather!).   I went to bed telling myself I was ready for a breakthrough.

I actually slept very well and even woke up a couple times pleasantly surprised I still had hours left of sleep.  I woke up around 5:20 AM without my alarm and ate breakfast:  two packets of oatmeal, a banana, and Justin’s chocolate hazelnut butter. I drank a mug of Jasmine green tea, one of my favorite pre-race drinks.  

I sat in the hotel room and got my gear together, debated the merits of compression sleeves or no compression sleeves, put on my makeup, then realized I would be wearing sunglasses so it really didn’t matter if my mascara looked good or not.  We bussed over to the start line at 6:30 AM and still had about an hour before it was time to warm up.  I sat around with Andie, Obsie, Aliphine, and Tim.  Obsie is my good luck charm at races.  Her positive attitude is infectious, and we first became friends at Twin Cities in 2015, where we both hit the Olympic Trials standard after warming up together.  

I suppose part of my nerves for this race was the fact that I was trying something a little bit different. I really dislike the feeling of being passed during a race.  I mean, duh. Who doesn’t hate that feeling?  In nearly all of the races I have run in the past 2 years, I have started conservatively and tried to negative split. While I don’t always negative split, I do tend to slow down less than other people.  But, I also tend to never actually be in the race.  

My coach and I have been discussing taking a more aggressive approach.  For this race, we decided that I would go out with a group of women that I know are faster than me.  I anticipated the first mile of this race to be ~5:10.  I did something I never do, which is stand directly on the start line instead of 3 – 4 women back.  While this wasn’t exactly my intention, I found myself sharing the lead with Aliphine and Jordan Hasay for the first 2 miles.  I have no idea what our mile split was (I didn’t start my watch for this race), but I do know that we went through 2 miles in 10:41.  So, my strategy kind of worked out in my favor. It wasn’t a crazy fast first couple miles, and if I had simply felt the need to run x distance behind the lead group, I would have probably disadvantaged myself from the get-go. Around 4k the group kicked it up a notch which wasn’t really a move my legs were able to cover.  Instead, I remained steady.  I went through 5k in 16:58, which is an 11 second PR for me. Going into the race, I anticipated the first 5k might be a PR.

After the 5k I started to feel the effects of running a PR and still having 10k to go.  I got passed by a couple girls, which temporarily put me in a mental state of wow. This sucks.  I went through 4 miles right at 22:00, so I realized I was probably going to struggle to hold 5:30 pace.  The toughest miles for me, mentally, were miles 4 – 6.  It was around here that the chase pack passed me, and I began to struggle.  But, when I went through 5 miles I realized that even if I ran 6:00 pace I would hit a 10k PR.  I got a bit of a 2nd wind here and told myself to go for the PR, and if I died after that I could at least say I ran two PRs.  

I went through 10k in 34:41, which was a 20 second 10k PR.  My splits were 16:58 and 17:45.  

Once I got through 10k, I knew it would be a matter of holding on, not dying on “the green monster,” and then using the downhill for home.  

All weekend, “the green monster” had been spectacularly talked up.  I had seen the bridge and foolishy thought my experience at the Pittsburgh Marathon meant the bridge would be a piece of cake for me.  The bridge is 3.8% grade and approximately a mile long.  We were told to expect to slow down ~20 seconds that mile, but most people slowed down MUCH more than this.  

The bridge was death. In addition to the hill, we also had a decently strong wind to contend with.  From the top of the bridge there was 1600 m left in the race.  

I’m pretty bummed that my chip didn’t register a time at 8.3 miles, because I would LOVE to know what I split that last 1600.  I battled with a couple women here, which pushed me really hard in that last mile. My split for this last 5k was 18:08, but this was definitely the hardest portion of the course.  Overall, my splits were 16:58, 17:45, and 18:08.  Those splits aren’t spectacular, but after looking at the results and analyzing other people’s splits, I actually ran fairly evenly. It’s also good to know that I was able to hang on after running two PRs today.  

My overall time was 52:49. I actually split 52:48 for 15k at Houston in 2016, so I can’t claim this as a PR unfortunately.  I’m a little bit surprised because I really expected to be sub-52:00. However, I did hear times were about ~2 minutes slower across the board, so who knows?  I was 18th overall, and 17th out of Americans

I guess I wouldn’t say that this was exactly the breakthrough I was looking for, but there are certainly more positives than negatives.  I proved to myself that I can fearlessly take the race out with the lead pack and that finding myself next to runners like Jordan Hasay or Emily Infeld doesn’t phase me.  I am proud that I did not walk away wondering what if I had started faster?  

I do think that I was a little complacent during 8 – 12k.  I have a secret weapon that I have been working on:  breathing.  With a mile to go, I started counting breaths and I noticed I was able to pick up the pace quite a bit.  I think I had a little bit more left than I should have.  

Something that bothered me a little bit was that I ran the same pace today as I ran at the 10 miler in October, and also the same pace as my half marathon PR at Houston.  I KNOW I am in better shape than I was at the 10 miler, and I strongly believe I am in better shape than when I ran my half PR. But, I have to remind myself that it is impossible to compare races, especially when I had such a different approach each time, and was in vastly different points of my training.  

I’m getting kind of tired of making comparisons.  Maybe it’s the airplane wine that I’m drinking right now, but I want to abolish comparisons between races and days and PRs and etc etc.  I’m a gritty bitch who digs deep and gets ugly, so what’s the point of saying that one race was better than the other?  From here on out I just want to compete hard and be fast.

That’s not too much to ask, right?  

[kidsviral-blog]

8 Transgender Athletes Explain What Fitness Means To Them

New Post has been published on https://kidsviral.info/8-transgender-athletes-explain-what-fitness-means-to-them/

8 Transgender Athletes Explain What Fitness Means To Them

Transgender people face a particular set of challenges when it comes to spaces where people exercise and compete. Here, eight athletes tell BuzzFeed Life about their experiences with fitness, movement, and competition.

1. The yogi

View this image ›

Danh Duong Photography / Via 500px.com

“Every time I practice yoga I am choosing to be happy and healthy.” —Sparkle Thornton

Sparkle Thornton, 33, is a yoga instructor and massage therapist who lives in the Bay Area. Originally from Asheville, North Carolina, she started practicing yoga when she was 19 and became an instructor at age 25. This March she’s leading Yogay, a yoga retreat in California for queer and transgender people. Thornton shares how her yoga practice helped her realize that she wanted to transition, and how, almost 15 years since she started, yoga continues to be her source of emotional well-being and self-care.

When I started practicing yoga it started to really come up that I wanted to transition. Of course it was in there all along, the desire was there. I didn’t have the words for it but I knew that I wanted to grow up and be female when I was 5 years old. Yoga has this way of stirring things up, like whatever has been buried and whatever the things are that we are trying to ignore. For me that was that I was trans. It helped me to feel comfortable in my body. I really think yoga is why I’m still alive and why I’m happy and thriving now.

For me [practicing yoga] has always been mental health. I feel so much more able to face the world when I’ve practiced yoga. I don’t really trust myself to make good decisions until after I’ve done yoga. If I’m really worried about something or feeling impatient it’s probably because I haven’t practiced. It keeps my state of mind open and aware of what might be unfolding that I don’t have control over. So for me it feels like necessity. If I don’t do it, I suffer.

2. The running CrossFitter

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Ben Pender-Cudlip

“I am actively in search of my body’s limits and I don’t think I’ve found them yet.” —Niki Brown

Originally from Iowa, Niki Brown, 30, is a web developer who lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts. He grew up running track and cross country and playing soccer. He’s still a runner — a half-marathoner and, since last year, a marathoner. He also competes in local fitness competitions. He tells BuzzFeed Life about how his transition impacted his mental toughness and his connection to his body.

I definitely think transitioning has made me stronger mentally. Some of the stuff I’ve had to deal with — people not handling it well, family members not talking to me — I have to get past it, deal with it, get stronger. I think that translates to the mental toughness of [running a marathon]: “OK, I have to be running for four hours and when your knee hurts saying nope, turn it off. Keep going.”

My whole life I felt disconnected from my body, so working out helps with that. I don’t even know if I have the words to accurately describe it. … It’s difficult to put into words. I am still getting used to being connected to my body in that way.

3. The MMA fighter

View this image ›

Rhys Harper / Via Facebook: transcendinggenderproject

“My strengths right now are my determination and my will.” —Fallon Fox

Fallon Fox, 39, is the first professional mixed martial arts (MMA) fighter to come out as transgender. Initially interested in learning martial arts for self-protection, she started training Brazilian jiujitsu in late 2007, picked up Muy Thai a couple years later, and less than a year after that started training in MMA, in which opponents fight using a variety of styles from Brazilian jiujitsu and Muy Thai to wrestling, judo, and kickboxing. She will be featured in Game Face, a documentary about LGBTQ athletes, set to be released this year. She talks about getting inspired to learn MMA by watching other women fighters, what happened when UFC host Joe Rogan made public comments about her gender identity, and how professional competition can be more inclusive of transgender fighters.

The thing that inspired me the most was other female fighters, these older style fighters before women’s MMA became popular. I was blown away because women were actually fighting. They were letting women fight. I’d never seen that intensity, that assertiveness, that skill. … I felt I needed that for my own assertiveness. I felt I was lacking that for my own self-protection.

[It would help trans people if] promotions [the organizations that produce MMA matches] hire trans fighters. Or they can punish their employees and fighters who say transphobic comments and slurs. That would help us out the most, promoting the perception of reality that we are who we say we are. I suppose it should be looked at like this. [When MMA celebrities] say transphobic comments, they kind of set the pace for the kind of negativity that fans might have. They stir it up. They light the fire under it. When [UFC host] Joe Rogan said those comments, the fans would come to me online or while I’m fighting and say they heard it from Joe Rogan. That affected me in the beginning. It affected me a lot. I wasn’t used to that. I had to get used to having names yelled at me while I was trying to do my job.

4. The track star turned weightlifter

instagram.com / Via Instagram: @jord23nbre

“I was a strong female, but not where I wanted to be, where I imagined myself being.” —Jordan Davis

Jordan Davis, 24, is a nursing student from Oklahoma City. He started taking testosterone in August 2014, but even before starting his medical transition, Davis says he always identified with guys and was almost always assumed by strangers to be a boy. In high school he was a state champion sprinter, but nowadays he’s more of a bodybuilder. He starts every morning with about a 20-minute high-intensity interval circuit of pull-up variations and pushups, and then, five days per week, spends about two hours lifting in the gym. He speaks here about how his transition has helped him feel more comfortable while working out, as well as how it’s impacted the way he thinks and feels about his body.

When you run track [on the girls’ team] the uniforms you have to wear are just totally not me. I was real uncomfortable; it felt like something I was forced to do. As soon as the race was over I would go put my clothes back on. I never really liked my body even though I was pretty cut up. Now my fat has redistributed, so it’s like my upper body is really big and I’m a lot more solid up top than I used to be, so it’s a lot more comfortable for me now that I am on T [testosterone].

I used to feel real self-conscious. I kind of still do because I’m still not as big as I want to be. I’m getting there…I have to kind of remind myself that most of the guys at the gym are cis male, so I’m like a 16-year old compared to them. I have to remind myself of that and look at where I came from. I keep my headphones in and focus on myself instead of looking around. It’s easier if you do it like that. [It’s better to] think about the goals that you’re trying to reach and not worry about people around you.

5. The CrossFit coach and competitor

instagram.com / Via Instagram: @instagram.com/chlojonsson/?modal=true

“I embrace every change that happens to my body…I love how my body feels.” —Chloie Jonsson

Chloie Jonsson, 35, is an Olympic lifter and CrossFit athlete and coach in Morgan Hill, California. She started CrossFit in 2010, and told BuzzFeed Life (and her lawsuit complaint notes) that in spring 2013 she was told by CrossFit Games general manager Justin Bergh that competitors must register under their original gender. CrossFit’s general counsel later confirmed that she would “need to compete in the Men’s Division.” Jonsson, who medically transitioned almost 20 years ago at the age of 16, is suing CrossFit for discrimination, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and unfair competition. She talks here about loving her body and using it to move heavy weight, and how CrossFit HQ’s competition ban has affected her.

I love the feeling of working out and using my body. Like during Olympic lifting, to move the amount of weight that I can, it’s a super empowering feeling knowing that this little tiny frame can make something so heavy move. I’ve never had that [self-consciousness when working out]. I feel my best when I am working out. I work out in barely any clothing. I don’t prefer clothing; if the world could be naked that would be amazing. I’m pretty comfortable with my body.

It was pretty heart-wrenching when [the CrossFit ban] first happened because I was not an out individual. I identified as trans, but was stealth; I came out publicly this past year. The reason was because CrossFit said “no,” so I found a lawyer. They told me if you want to move forward, your entire life is going to change. It took me 60 days to really get comfortable with the fact that my entire community would know about me being transgender. It was a pretty big step. I knew I had to do it because what they were doing to me was wrong, and if they were going to do it to me they were going to do it to other people.

6. The martial artist and bodybuilding enthusiast

instagram.com / Via Instagram: @ftmfitnessworld

“I am definitely more aware of and in love with my body.” —Neo L. Sandja Neo L. Sandja, 30, is from the Democratic Republic of the Congo and lives in Atlanta. He’s the president and founder of FTM Fitness World, the first-ever bodybuilding competition for trans men. He trains Korean Taekwondo and has studied karate and Brazilian jiujitsu. He dances zouk, salsa, kizomba, and other Latin dances, and does bodyweight workouts at home: pull-ups, pushups, squats, etc. He speaks about gaining strength from vulnerability and the confinements of the gender binary.

Every time I’ve been vulnerable and accepted it without trying to control it, I’ve come out stronger. I don’t think the issue is in being vulnerable, but in allowing ourselves to experience vulnerability so that we can learn to be strong. The more vulnerable you become, the stronger you can get. I’ve certainly experienced dysphoria in many situations, especially in the gym’s locker rooms; I realized that every time I make the step to get out of my comfort zone, life becomes easier and I become happier.

I think the barriers come when you don’t fit in a particular box when people expect you to. We still very much live in a dual world and we have a long ways to go before we can understand and accept gender fluidity. People still expect men to be and act a certain way and women to be and act another way. But I think that’s the beauty of being trans. We can see it as a chance to redefine what being a man or a woman is, not for the world, but for ourselves.

7. The fitness coach

instagram.com / Via Instagram: @alegutier

“I’m going to be me.” —Alex Gutierrez

Alex Gutierrez, 27, is a Florida-based fitness coach who plans to one day soon quit her day job to be a full-time personal trainer. She’s experienced numerous transformations over the last few years, from her 85-pound weight loss, to falling in love with exercise and deciding to make it her career, to starting hormone replacement therapy and undergoing her medical transition. She talks about how working out made her a stronger person mentally, and how it gave her the courage to transition.

Insanity [the 60-day, high-intensity workout program] built mental toughness that gave me determination. Once you go through the entire program you embrace the whole idea that small things repeated can lead to huge results at the end. The consistency, the discipline of doing simple little tasks can add up to a future. That can give you confidence that if you truly put your head to it and make a plan, you can achieve whatever the hell you want.

Because of working out … I went on hormones. It gave me courage. If it wasn’t for fitness, I don’t really think I ever would have transitioned. Insanity saved my life. It gave me the confidence I needed to make a final step to start hormones.

8. The triathlete and trans activist

instagram.com / Via Instagram: @instagram.com/thechrismosier/?modal=true

“There is a confidence that has come for me in being authentically myself.” —Chris Mosier

Chris Mosier is an NYC-based triathlete and coach. He founded transathlete.com, a resource for information about trans inclusion in athletics, and started GO! Athletes, a support network of current and former LGBTQ collegiate and high school athletes. Last year he won the Staten Island Flat as a Pancake Duathlon, his first overall win in the male category. He discusses how his love of competition impacted his decision about when to transition, and why he’s committed to being an openly trans athlete.

Being an athlete has always been a primary part of my identity. I delayed my transition for over a year because I wasn’t sure how it would impact my ability to compete and participate in the sports I loved, and that was something I wasn’t willing to let go of easily. I was uncomfortable — triathlon is a very body-conscious sport, with skin-tight kits, and navigating the swimming pool was a challenge. I thought that I would eventually become more comfortable after transition, but I was concerned about my ability to be competitive. At that time I was doing well in my races in the female category. … I felt so uncomfortable with the classification of the female category that I wouldn’t want to share my results with anyone.

Figuring out my own identity was a lonely journey; I did not see myself reflected in any example I saw in the media or in sports. As an athlete, I did not know of any other trans male athletes who transitioned and were competing at a high level, and that is what I wanted for myself. I don’t want any other person — particularly a young person — to be able to say that. That’s why I am committed to be an openly trans athlete, and to my work with GO! Athletes. The media has a tendency to elevate certain voices and ignore important intersections of identity. I am committed to making sure not only trans voices are included in athletics, but that the voices of women, people of color, bisexual athletes, and other identities are all at the table when discussing policy, inclusion, and equity in sports. Sport is for everyone.

Interviews have been edited for space.

correction

Niki Brown competes in local fitness competitions. The original post mistakenly said he competes in local CrossFit competitions. BF_STATIC.timequeue.push(function () document.getElementById(“update_article_correction_time_4890379”).innerHTML = UI.dateFormat.get_formatted_date(‘2015-02-06 17:39:24 -0500’, ‘update’); );

correction

The events described related to Chloie Jonsson all took place in 2013; rather than having qualified for the 2013 CrossFit Games, Jonsson was, she says, invited by a team to join them as an alternate. And, according to her lawsuit complaint, it was actually in spring 2013 that she was told by CrossFit Games general manager Justin Bergh that competitors must register under their original gender. CrossFit’s general counsel later confirmed that she would “need to compete in the Men’s Division.” An earlier version of the post mistakenly said it was the 2014 CrossFit Games Regionals, that Jonsson qualified for a highly competitive spot as a team alternate, and that it was at that time that CrossFit HQ told her she’d have to compete in the men’s division. BF_STATIC.timequeue.push(function () document.getElementById(“update_article_correction_time_5083706”).innerHTML = UI.dateFormat.get_formatted_date(‘2015-02-25 10:03:43 -0500’, ‘update’); );

Read more: http://www.buzzfeed.com/sallytamarkin/transgender-athletes