#uni fucks me daily and i can't even cry about it because i got no time

[fanficsforheartandsoul]

SPOILERS IN THIS POST FOR THE GAME CYBERPUNK 2077 AND IT'S ANIMATED SERIES EDGERUNNERS

Ok so I heard I Really Want to Stay at Your House from Cyberpunk Edgerunners on Tiktok before I even watched the series. I liked it so much that I downloaded it to my Spotify favorites.

This weekend I watched Edgerunners. When that song played in the last episode I was DEVASTATED. LITERALLY. I cried so hard the last 10 minutes like just full on sobbing.

Since then I have listened to this song nonstop and I kid you not today when I took the bus home I ALMOST TEARED UP BECAUSE FUCK MY LIFE, THIS SERIES MESSED ME UP BAD.

"You're not special."

This message rings in my head when I think of Edgerunners and it's fucking with me. Because I know this feeling. This sentiment of "oh no, I'm different, I'm not gonna do x or get addicted to y." And then BAM.

Turns out you are doing x already and got addicted to y.

Just like David Legend Martinez. My man didn't get the happy ending he deserved. Neither did any of the characters.

This whole show punched me in the gut and left me in the gutter (haha wordplay) and I dunno if I ever recover.

I'm probably over emotional because of other real life stuff but when I tell you I stayed up all Sunday night to read fanfiction to find some comfort, I'm not lying.

It's funny because I'm writing and reading x reader stories to portray myself as special. Whether that be for someone specific or the whole world. I need that feeling of "oh, I'm important to someone, I'm special and not completely worthless."

That's why I like most stories with an overpowered reader (as long as Y/N suffers a helluva lot as well but what that actually means for my psyche should be left in pandora's box) because I need to be special at least in my imagination. Edgerunners really opened my eyes in that regard. I knew immediately from the moment when Maine went down the cyberpsycho route that David would end up dead like him and yet I still hoped he would overcome it. He's the main character, he can't die like that. He won't, he's special!

Haha yeah nope.

The show really made me realize why I always want my y/ns to be jedi shadows, witchers, dragons, zombies, siths etc. and why I prefer these types of fantasy related backgrounds over coffee shop AUs and other real life stories and I dunno what to do with this information.

Doubled with me accidentally spoiling some of the endings of Cyberpunk 2077, I'm emotionally at my end.

I watched a youtube video about the ending where V decides to unalive himself/herself instead of dealing with whatever shitshow is going on (I have yet to play the game, I'm literally still at the beginning because I couldn't recover from Jackie's death haha🥲) and I didn't need that in my life. I'm too busy to cry about fictional characters but I guess this is my punishment for being emotionally attached to FICTIONAL CHARACTERS GOD FUCKING DAMMIT-

[evertyun]

ENDLESS - ♯choi yeonjun

PAIRING : choi yeonjun x reader

GENRE : ANGST , slight fluff (?) like 0.5%

WARNING : this is a work of fiction anything mention about the character involve are PURELY MADE UP , emotion manipulation (?) , descriptive emotion , swearing , cheating

SYNOPSIS : "we're just friends" little did he know, y/n knows the truth.

OTHERS : include of other idols & oc, the story is not a long one shot its more of the main event skipping until the present time.

"you know i love you right?" yeonjun whispered while stroking your hair softly, cuddle up on the couch together.

you hummed in respond, deep down in your heart, you know he went to her place before he came over. breathing in the smell of her perfume that is painted all over him.

you know that even if you talk about it, yeonjun will keep emphasising they are 'just friends' constantly, you've been through this talk so often to the point that you have given up worrying about her existence. but instead coping with it yourself...

you love yeonjun so much that no matter what he does, even if it hurts you, you're willing to let it all go.

once again both of you are screaming at each other trying to see who is louder

"seriously beomgyu again?" yeonjun sounded pissed

"what about you constantly soojin, soojin, soojin, and that's all you know how to say, when we're together" you look back at him

"for fuck sake y/n, why can't you understand soojin is just a friend stop worrying about it" he shouted again, your heart clenches just holding in your tearz

"i didn't even say anything about your re— no never mind." you were about to retaliate the reply

"i just wanted more time with you" mumbled softly holding in your tears looking down not knowing if he heard your or not.

he stood there looking at you when his phone rang, he looked at the id caller and picked up, and you're just watching his every move

"oh hey whats up?" "i will be there asap" just two sentences only "im leaving" he lets you know and just take his hoodie and car key and left instantly not even checking up on you.

he really left...

"just fucking drop him" beomgyu said as he comfort you with your best friend yeeun

"you don't get it, i can't" the continuous sobbing from you as all of you walk along the pavement of han river park.

"you can do this y/n" yeeun whisper as she pat your back while you were still crying

what would you do without beomgyu and yeeun, constantly being there for you. the fact beomgyu and yeonjun are best friend as well...

"hey, y/n, i just want you to know if it ever gets too hard just know you are not alone" yeeun said while walking towards your apartment with beomgyu

"thank you..." was the last word for the night

some nights were different, but those some nights became a daily routine each day goes by you get more numb but each night you cry too...

he doesn't come by often anymore, maybe once a week but he do leave in less than an hour or two. you could tell from all the excuses he gives you it can go as far to made up lies such as "beomgyu asked me to fetch him home" "soobin forgot his keys" "taehyun left his gloves i need to bring"

"kai asked me to get him panadol he is having bad headache sorry i gotta go, love you babe" tonight was no different, he left so quickly.

but its amazing how he left his phone at your coach, you hold on to his phone debating to unlock it or not to. curiosity gets the best of you, you slide and key in the password he told you before.

'wrong password' he changed it

the phone vibrates the notifications pops up

soojin: i love you too

soojin: but i've reached dalkkom

soojin: im at the corner table see you <3

your heart clenches, so bad when you heard a knock. you walked towards and saw yeonjun as he let himself in and just retrieved his phone and gave you a peck on your forehead then he left.

the extra miles he goes for her, but never once for you, he cared for you once but not anymore. and yet the endless time you gave in

"babe i missed you so much i've been so busy with uni lately" yeonjun hugged you tightly, with his other friends watching the both of you. the look on beomgyu face was so unreadable as though he wanted to flip yeonjun over

"also i asked a friend to tag alone, after all y/n would be the only girl and i was afraid she would feel uneasy so i got one of my friend to tag along" yeonjun added as he let go of you

"yeeun is coming??" beomgyu said in sarcasm knowing too damn well soojin would show up instead

"it's probably soojin" you mumbled out

"what?? who now??" kai and taehyun said in unison

the way all his friends knew about the situation but none of them dare to confront yeonjun. they promise to never let girls come inbetween them and that was the reason

"sorry im late!" a female voice spoke, you turn to look at her

she is everything you are not. insecurity hits, her long silky black hair, her pretty orbs and well shaped lips.

then again,

if he is happy so are you...

soobin could tell you look upset, but what hurt the most was seeing both yeonjun and soojin having fun while you were there broken.

he never looked at you not even once that day, just glued onto her.

its clear enough that he has slipped away from you, its so clear but yet you refused to believe.

"i don't get why is he holding on to you if its clear he loves her?? just what the flying fuck??" yeeun said, its been nearly a year since this whole incident happen

its insane how you manage to hold on even though you clearly know that you are not the one and will never be the one.

the first time yeeun send you a picture of them together at the arcade holding hands. that picture was pure evidence he loved her. its so clear and so loud that you are just a second option.

months goes by you lose yourself, for constantly loving him even though he wouldn't return the affection to you. you were lovesick and tired, you took your friends word in to consideration.

it happens so often, he never showed up to your birthday, or even wished you. you're tired and numb so numb to go through it. he stop texting everyday with excuses that is so bad.

heartbreak . you want to be happy you realise your worth

[next paragraph might be a little too dramatic or to descriptive of insecurity and emotion]

today is the day... (present)

"lets break up" you let out, while both of you were cuddling up to each other

he look at you in the eye all he see was vulnerability, he let go of you without saying much. he know too damn well what he did, but never once did he regret until today in the very couch in your living room.

"wait why? babe, are you okay?" he asked looking at you with concern, you looked at the hickey on his neck that you know he tried to hide and back to his face return a smile to him

"i've hold up for so long, i can't do this anymore" you told him, deep down you just wanted to scream out 'just kidding' . because the look on his face look so genuine and broken as though he really did love you, but you don't want him to go through all the pain

choi yeonjun please get an oscar award. the way he reacts to you, not wanting to let you go. your heart aches so much. you got up from the couch and took your phone.

"please don't let me give in again, i took so much courage to finally let you go" you were holding back your tears, as you unlock your phone to the picture yeeun send you.

it wasn't just one picture but an album? some from beomgyu and some from his very own roommate soobin. the look on his face was clear that he couldn't use the "we're just friends" reason anymore.

"y/n... how long" was all he let out. the picture shown were as long as 5-6 months ago. all he wants to know, was how could you still love a cheater for that long

"it doesn't matter, it never did." you mumbled loud enough for him to hear

"i love you, y/n i feel so bad, please give me a chance, i will change i swear i can't bear to lose you." the guilt in his voice, but apologising was never on his mind

its driving you insane, by the way he could say i love you so easily.

"god yeonjun, i hate you so fucking much, all the i love you, you know too damn well i would give in, why are you doing this to me?" you let out along with you tears, he just look at you all empty

"y/n..."

the more you look at him the more you want to give in

"my love for you was endless and i thought it ended i guess it never did. maybe i am not feeling well tonight" you gave in, and you hated it so much.

guess you couldnt leave him after all

"y/n, just let me explain" he tried to reason out

"there's nothing to explain but... what does she have!?" you really went ahead to compare yourself to her "maybe her long silky hair, or her petite figure maybe her big round eyes, or even he beautiful lips, she has it all yeonjun you don't have to explain because if i were you, i do fall for her too.."

looking at the nearest scissor you grab it, yeonjun was in utter shocked he tries to grab the scissors before you but its was too late

"y/n please don't, we can jus-" before he was about to finish the sentence you cut your hair "look i don't have long silky hair anymore am i still pretty?" then you proceeded to scratch yourself and your face making sure it has some marks for you to regret tomorrow "oh no my face-"

"FOR FUCK SAKE Y/N STOP CAN WE JUST TALK!?" he finally shouted, you flinched and look back at him with built up emotions

"NO WE CANT I WILL GIVE IN, I WILL HATE MYSELF JUST... , I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH YEONJUN" you cried and scream out loud hoping her heard you loud enough maybe even your neighbour heard you out loud.

"y/n, im sorry" he walk towards you as he grab the scissors from your hand and he hugged you tight, its been so long since you felt this sincere feeling from him. and it hurts more than it felt good.

you pushed him away, and remove yourself from his embrace

"im going to sleep now, you can see yourself out" you left straight to your room. why just why you can never stop...

you looked up at the ceiling finally crying. cursing at yourself, he probably left to find soojin or even his friends for snitching on him. his move was so unpredictable too unexpected.

opening the door to your room he sat next to your bed. "y/n, it was a mistake i should never have taken you for granted im sorry. i love you i can't bare to lose you." pretending to be asleep not replying to whatever he says

he walked closer to you and gave a light peck on your forehead. you couldn't hold it in and tears fall, the guilt yeonjun felt was unbearable.

his phone buzz as he look down on to his phone and back to you, "i have to go and clean up the mess i've made" said looking at your "sleeping" figure

he stood up and right when he was about to leave, you grab his wrist instinctly

"the tightness in my chest, its so suffocating, but i love the feeling, because i know you're happy out there and having fun and that's what i want you to feel... to be happy, but if you really love me just let me go that's the least you could do"

he look at his wrist the one you are holding

"no y/n.." he really didn't want to let go his voice holds so much guilt,

"if its meant to be we will find our way back to each other again, i promise because i know i could never hate you even if you hurt me the most" you let go of his wrist finally.

he stood there looking at you for another minute or two and he finally left your room.

"maybe 1 more chance for change doesn't hurt at all"

even after all you have been through you still consider to put him above you.

a/n: i don't think it's my best but i will work on it, seems very rush but also sorry for spelling and english error as mention its not my first language;-;

[boopboopbitch]

Candid with MADD

As someone who's had this for as long as I can remember, I can say the root of my MADD is my anxiety. I never dealt with change well so when I entered uni my grades suffered because I would hyperfixate on daydreams. I had several traumatic thing happen to me my freshman year and it just made it worse. I had a stalker. I fell in love for the first time with a close friend who basically played with my feelings while wooing another girl. My mom was physically and verbally abusing me because her boyfriend "favored" me. (Yes, all in a year, talk about whiplash). It left me in a crippled mental state where my only safe zone was my imagination. Then it became a full on coping mechanism.

After working as a nurse in panini and seeing so much death, I got a therapist. Luckly this go round my MADD didn't act up as bad.

Before, I would miss class because I started prioritizing my coping mechanism over reality.

So when I got a therapist, I was literally at a stand still on whether to discuss it or not. I have heard people on this site get put on antipsychotics and being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Which is wild to me, I know what I imagine isn't real. Its not delusions. And yeah my priorities were messed up but like I knew it was wrong, like an alcoholic knows they shouldn't be near alcohol; I shouldn't be daydreaming when I got shit to do hahaha.

So my conundrum was, should I tell her? I decided against it the minute she told me to quit my job, which was my first session💀💀 She seems like a cool person but I don't trust her to that extent. Hell, I literally just told my best friend since kindergarten about it 3 years ago.

Can I have a job? Yes. Did I graduate college? Barely. But it took me YEARS to realize my MADD was a symptom of my own anxiety. And the only thing stopping me from getting medications was that I know that I might not ever get to immerse myself into a world I have built since I was 12. Every little detail I have made might just become a distant memory and that scares me because that world has kept me sane and safe. Reality looks so scary in comparison. MADD gave me a sense of normalcy during the worst parts of my career. It made me feel whole even when i would hang out with friends and feel in adequate when I compared myself to them. Even when my mom and I were not really speaking to each other I never felt alone. My MADD never let me feel alone. So it's wild to throw years of work away but at one point you've got to.

I decided that if my MADD ever gets in the way of my daily life I'll do it. So far my work schedule allows me to daydream and get it out my system. I still have an active social life, meet new people, and have a fulfilling career (things I couldn't do in my early 20s). It's not overwhelming like it used to be and I have a better control than when I was younger. I decided to be the main character of my life. Starting therapy for my anxiety helped out a lot. Talking to someone about my traumas helped. I have been healing slowly with some good old CBT and better coping mechanism.

I know eventually I'll need to get medicated for my anxiety. It comes and goes in waves, but currently I got a good handle on it. I owe that to my support group. I spoke to my hospital psychiatrist about being hesitant on meds because it really wasn't effecting my daily life. I could still complete tasks, work my hours and literally had designated times to feel any compartmentalized emotion I tucked away weekly (fucked up I know, but you can't cry during a code yall). He laughed and insisted I try some CBT and get some sun. Obviously he didn't know anything else but I can breathe easier and my MADD hasn't been as bad. Which is amazing! I still feel a bit nuts sometimes when I catch myself. Which happens more often now. Ya know, when you become self aware of the pacing and muttering. I just stop what I'm doing and go do something else. I take it as a sign that I should stop.

I'm hoping with some more time I can stop all together without going through withdrawals. Slowly and with a lot of patience with myself. Maybe one day I'll write a whole fiction novel on my favorite characters. Maybe they'll each get their own story told. All I know is I would like to stop someday and be normal. I just want the world I made buried with some dignity.

I got a toxic relationship with my imagination. But I'm learning to keep it under control and to not let it stop me from living life. I'm pushing thirty. I can't live life hidden away in my safe space. I am grateful to have this weird ass coping mechanism but I need to get rid of it and not be afraid to live.