#usually i'm just waiting 5 or so per. tops.

[hazelplaysgames]

unnecessary flaunting at the end is a must.

[aestas---estas]

You're like the sun

MDNI 18+ | Part 2 | Simon "Ghost" Riley x Reader | 2,3k words | fem!Reader, assistant!Reader, protective!Simon, intrusive thoughts briefly mentioned that are quickly squashed, drinking mentioned, reader is described as curvy (one mention), probable military inaccuracies | if I forgot a tag/tw please tell me, I'm new to this | divider by @cafekitsune

You're like the sun. Simon hates the sun. Always too bright, too warm, beaming up at him with that celestial smile, and if he stares at you for too long your face imprints at the back of his eyelids; forcing him to bask in your light even when he turns his gaze away.

You bring him tea in the mornings — knocking confidently on his office door, waiting for his gruff grunt of acknowledgement before entering, too chipper, too bright. It's Earl Grey, a dash of milk, just to his taste, and he fucking hates that it's perfect. He questioned your motives the first time it happened, and with a melodic voice you told him you're bringing Captain Price his coffee and Simon's office was just on the way. Never faltering under his scrutinising gaze, only calling out a sweet goodbye before disappearing the way you came. It takes him weeks before he realises he never told you how he likes his tea, and by that point it's too late to ask.

One week you're out; sick, some stomach bug Price told him when he asked point blank about your absence on the second day. It's not that he misses you, of course not, he had just gotten used to the daily routine. He counted on you bringing him his morning tea like he counted on the sun to climb the horizon. So if he suppresses a smile underneath his mask when, after 5 days without your bright light, you grace the doorway to his office with a steaming mug and a wide smile, that would only be because he finally didn't have to make the beverage himself.

Before you, Simon would send his paperwork to Price via an unfortunate rookie that happened to pass by his door — threatening that even a glimpse inside the folder would be answered with violence. Too comfortable in his own space to venture outside and possibly subject himself to pointless small talk with soldiers he couldn't care less about. Now, he finds himself walking the hallway between his office and Price's, placing the files on your desk without a word. That's what you're there for, he tells himself. You're the assistant, it's your job to deliver whatever paperwork that was meant for the Captain. He doesn't scold or threaten the sun when it beams down at him from high up in the sky, so why would he utter a hateful word in your direction when you flash him that blinding smile and do your job?

It takes Price 4 months until he convinces you to join him and the boys for a night out at the pub. It's not that you feel unwelcome or unwanted per se, but you know you don't belong — not like the rest of them. You're the newcomer, have never been in a firefight, never had a scar be inflicted upon you from an enemy getting too close. You read and write reports, take phone calls, pass along messages and bring caffeinated beverages. But after a particularly shitty week, a drink with some coworkers didn't sound so bad anymore.

Stepping into the crowded pub, a pretty dress accentuating your curves, you drew Simon's attention right away. Like any personification of a celestial body would, you commanded the room. But the other mens’ obvious stares ranging from salacious to malicious did nothing to deter you, your focus was on the booth in the far corner where the team was all sat. A wave and the usual radiant smile of yours was all the greeting they got before you held up a finger and backtracked to the bar to order.

“Bonnie one, ain't she?” Johnny says, elbowing Simon in the ribs, eyes never leaving your form as you lean over the bar top to make your order heard over the music. Simon doesn't answer, but something ugly snakes across his chest, tightening around his heart. Of course Johnny had set his sights on you, and you would fall to his charm like every man and woman before you. It was a small miracle you hadn't already taken a tumble or two in the hay with the sweet-talking Scotsman.

Kyle scoots down the bench once you finally make your way over, a yellow and orange drink in hand. Despite your bad week your mood is as bright as the colours of your beverage, and Simon finds himself enraptured by your stories, your laugh. Even from across the table, the toe of your heels bumping against his rough boot with every shuffle of your legs, he can feel your warmth; it washes over him, makes the palms of his hands damp where they grip his beer glass tensely.

You fit in almost seamlessly with the squad. You talk in depth about some book with Price, you joke with Kyle, you flirt with Johnny. Had Simon been a better man, he would've offered you his seat so you could be closer to the Scottish Sergeant. But he's not a better man — he wants to be able to stare at you from across the booth, wants to observe your glow without distractions or interruptions. He's selfish, depraved, rude, a brute to put it simply.

So when Johnny offers to walk you home with a grin on his face, Simon fixes him with a steely glare and crosses his arms over his chest. “You're not fucking the secretary, MacTavish.”

Johnny sputters some half-assed defence, but eventually shrinks back down in his seat. You stumble as you get out of the booth, feet tripping over themselves, and Simon's arm snakes around your waist to steady you.

“‘M not a secretary,” you slur out, swaying slightly as he pushes open the door to the pub and leads you outside. The night air is crisp, cool, yet your body is warm where it rests heavily against Simon's side. “‘M a personal assistant.” You sound so proud over the title too that it almost makes him chuckle; almost. 

“You answer calls and deliver mail,” he replies, downplaying your role like the right bastard that he is.

You huff in annoyance and displeasure, obviously deterred by his dismissal. He can't be sure, but for a second he senses a glimpse of hurt in your eyes. Why would you care what he thinks of your position? Didn't you get along with Johnny all night? Or maybe you're mad that he cockblocked you. Yes, that must be it. You're not sad that he doesn't truly understand your value, you're not annoyed that he dismissed your pride, you're angry because he wouldn't let Johnny walk you home and tuck you in tight.

The two block walk to your apartment building from the pub is done in silence. Simon has his arm around you the whole way, making sure you don't stumble and fall flat on your face.

“Thank you,” you say as you lean against the door to your flat, fumbling with your purse to try and find the key. “For walking me here. You didn't have to.”

“No, I didn't,” he answers at length, because really, there was no reason for him to stay by your side the entire walk home. He could've called you a cab, he could've left you by the foyer instead of ushering you into the elevator and asking ‘what floor’, he could've stayed put inside the pub. He could've done a hundred and one things instead of making sure you got inside your flat safe and sound with his own two eyes.

A sound of victory expels from your lips as you fish your key out of the mess that is your purse and hold it up for him to see, a big, drunken grin on your face.

When you stumble into your hallway, Simon thinks he must've lost his mind — you didn't close the door. Didn't you know that was dangerous? Didn't you know he was?

“Careful,” he mutters out as you nearly tumble over and hit your head at the corner of a table when reaching down to unsnap the buckles of your shoes. The lock clicks in place behind him.

He takes care of you that night; argues with you to brush your teeth and remove any makeup you had put on, makes sure you drink at least two glasses of water and take a painkiller before ushering you off to bed. He sleeps on the couch and it occurs to him how horrifyingly simple it would be to snuff out your light. He could walk away, leave your door unlocked for any degenerate to enter, or he could be personal about it; press a pillow over your face as you sleep, hold your throat in his hands with enough force to snap, maybe even steal a kitchen knife from the wooden block so primly placed near the stove.

It's a terrifying thought, one he forces out of his mind as soon as it enters. The sun doesn't deserve to implode just because he sometimes finds its brightness debilitating, and neither do you.

Nothing changes after that night, yet everything does at the same time. You still bring Simon his tea every morning, now with an accompanying crumpet or biscuit, he still hand delivers his paperwork to your desk, but now he stays for a minute to chat. He makes a simple typo once, misspells his own rank at the beginning of the report, just to get a few extra moments of your warmth as you stop by his office to point it out — but not to worry, you have already fixed it, you reassure with a smile.

You bake cupcakes a few weeks later, two for each of them, decorated with a light pink frosting that matches the shade of your top so perfectly Simon suspects you must have done it on purpose. You make Price call everyone into his office for a quick celebration; it's your birthday, and Kyle and Johnny both offer to throw a proper party, but you shake your head and tell them you already have plans to celebrate that weekend. To Simon's surprise they both back off, neither of them making a big fuss about not being invited. He dreams of pale pink sunsets that night.

The incessant ringing of his phone wakes him up, pulling him from a fitful sleep in the middle of the night. Too tired for formalities, he simply grumbles out a ‘what?’ into the receiver, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Loud, drunken chatter, drowned out by the thumping bass of whatever club music that was playing in the background, met his ears for a few seconds before your voice broke through.

“Hey, baby.” Baby. The nickname feels like a cold shower, making all his synapses fire, his attention at high-alert.

“What's going on?” He asks, already pulling on his jeans and searching for his keys. You don't sound like yourself, something is off and it makes a ball of anxiety furl tight in his gut.

“Can you come pick me up?” You ask in lieu of a proper answer, rambling off the address of whatever club you had found yourself at.

He's outside the club within minutes, probably breaking a handful of traffic laws, but none of that matters as he spots you — arms wrapped tight around yourself, slightly shaking from the cold night air, some sleeze talking you up despite your closed-off body language.

“Oi!” He calls, drawing both your and the sleeze's attention.

“You serious?” The sleeze mutters, distaste clear on his face as he eyes Simon up and down.

“Simon!” You fling yourself in his arms, a wide smile pulling at your lips as you press yourself against his solid form. You're cold to the touch, goosebumps littering your bare arms, and he drapes his jacket over you before he even realises what he’s doing.

“This him then?” Sleeze asks. “The boyfriend?”

“Yup,” you answer, popping the p as you look back at him, still keeping yourself flush against Simon.

That explains the nickname then. You were trying to get rid of this jerk, and the only thing that works on people like him is telling them you're unavailable.

“Let's go, love,” Simon mumbles against the top of your head, just loud enough for the other man to hear. 

“Thank you,” you say once he's got you in the car, fingers nervously playing with the hem of the skirt of the dress you're wearing. It's another cute number that hugs you in all the right places, just like the one you wore that night in the pub. “I'm sorry I called. I'm… I'm sorry I said you were my boyfriend.”

“Don't worry ‘bout it,” Simon answers at length. He doesn't care that you had disturbed his sleep, he doesn't care that you had lied to a stranger about your relationship, he doesn't care that his jacket will undoubtedly smell like you once he gets it back — all he cares about is that you were safe, that despite the alcohol in your system you had enough wits about you to call him.

You kiss him on his cheek when he drops you off at your building, smiling softly before disappearing with a quick ‘see you on Monday.’ He doesn't realise until he's halfway back that he never asked for the jacket back.

It's nearing your one year anniversary as Price’s personal assistant. You make the team cupcakes again, vanilla frosting this time. Everything is just as it was day one, yet nothing is the same. Because now Simon walks you to your car at the end of every day, because now he follows you home after the pub whenever you accompany the team on one of their outings, because now he calls you ‘love’, because now you hold his hand and kiss his cheek, because now when he compares you to the sun it's because you're all encompassing, life giving, eternal. Without your warmth, your light, your love, his world would be cold and cruel and lonely. You're like the sun. Simon can't live without you.

[hijackalx]

MALE BG3 COMPANIONS TURN ONS/KINKS +18

FEMALE BG3 COMPANIONS

NON-COMPANIONS/NON-ORIGIN COMPANIONS

A/N: i limited myself to just 5 per companion otherwise this would get wayyyy too long lol but if u guys want pt. 2 let me know 💗

ASTARION

CORRUPTION

ok this is mostly because he has more than one instance in the game where he mentions virgins lol. i think he would totally get off on "corrupting" someone inexperienced and sweet, like i can see him loving the idea of teaching u or showing u new things. will poke fun at how innocent u are and the whole time he's ROCK fucking hard 😭😭

BRAT TAMING

this man loves to play games. he likes people who have nerve but mostly because it feels so good to put them in their place. the act of MAKING u obey is so hot to him and soooo fun (he’s also into how it humiliates u by making u submit)

AGE DIFFERENCE

NOW LISTEN !!! LISTEN he is OLD !!!! as FUCK !!! he's been alive a longggg time. i think it probably turns him on to be more experienced than u not only in bed but in general. ok i will come clean i'm thinking of the conversation he has with wyll about the word "agog". like secretly he probably loves that ur so young and dumb 💗 (even if ur not actually young, just young in comparison to him) he feels some kind of superiority when he bestows his old man wisdom upon u ⚡️🧙‍♂️ also it prolly adds some "forbidden" or "taboo" feeling to the sex that he likes 🤫

BONDAGE

the fact that u trust him enough to do something like this is so hot. he likes to watch u struggle against the restraints while he teases or overstimulates u. probably the type to use silk or fluffy handcuffs lol. afterwards he’ll kiss any bruises/marks left behind (the best part)

DACRYPHILIA

I ALWAYS SAY THIS IM SORRY but since he has that sadistic side i genuinely think he's into seeing u cry. the sounds/faces u make and seeing u reduced to such a vulnerable state. will try to overstimulate u to the point of tears so he can wipe them off ur face and make u clean them from his fingers hehe 💗

GALE

TEMPERATURE PLAY

OF COURSE this mf is using magic for this. he'll get pretty creative with it too— ooh wait bondage using ICE restraints??? yes ??? no ??? can he do that ??? anyway. he will tease a lot by switching between hot and cold, mostly because he loves watching how u react. likes if u use it on him too but not as much as he likes using it on u.

EXHIBITIONISM/VOYEURISM

i think he’s the type of dude to want to watch u touch yourself. and vice versa. will also want to jerk off while watching clone!gale fuck u. he’ll want to fuck in places where u guys might get caught too, mostly because he wants to show u off and make other people envious

SEX TOYS

^^ like i said before he’ll want to watch u use toys on urself, also might like it if u let him tell u how to use it. he’ll use some too, but usually only if u want to watch him use it on himself (or if u use them on each other obv). he doesn’t really use them much alone. the exhibition part is what’s most exciting to him

FACESITTING

probably one of his favorite positions honestly. he just really likes to eat u out and he’s soooo good at it. loves the feeling of ur weight on his body and how u grind against his face. it also gives him lots of access to ur thighs so he can squeeze and kiss them 💗💗

CLONING

i already mentioned how he’ll watch clone!gale fuck u. but he will also want to tag team/double team u with clone!gale 😭😭. can he do clones of other people? if he can he might also like making a clone of u too. that would be the craziest foursome ever holy shit LMAOO imagine getting fucked by URSELF (he would be so into watching that honestly that’s a gale top 3 fantasy moment)

WYLL

BREEDING

i think he wants to have so many babies. and to stuff u full of babies. filling u up with his cum is so hot to him and he will go multiple rounds just to really get it in there LMAO also really likes the way his cum looks when it’s leaking out of u 💗

PRAISE

he loves to give AND receive praise. he will tell u how ur doing so good for him and how beautiful u look. BUT he also wants u to tell him how good he’s making u feel and how handsome he is (he’ll lowkey get kind of insecure if ur too quiet, he really feeds off of how u respond) he also likes praise in the form of noises too if ur too shy to say anything lol

ROLEPLAY

i think he would he into roleplaying a little bit. particularly him being a knight and u being his prince/princess. will want u to dress the part and everything. he really gets off seeing u in the regal get up— i don’t think he would go too overboard with the knight thing though (like putting on an entire steel knight outfit 😭😭 that would take too long to get off. he’d combust) but he’ll prolly put on a little chainmail or something if u want.

CLOTHED SEX

yeah he’s going to want to fuck u with the princess/prince fit ON. but also i think he’d really be into dry humping tbh….. like if he’s saving himself until marriage then i don’t think he sees dry humping as real sex so it’s okay ooohh that’s so naughty wyll 😈😈 probably loves to watch u get off on his thigh through ur clothes

SENSORY DEPRIVATION

THIS…… might be far fetched…… but i feel like he’d be into this. like blindfolding (yes he’d let u blindfold him too), wearing gloves when u touch each other and etc….. wait the gloves is actually so hot though like leather gloves? imagine he blindfolds u and then touches u with the gloves on…. ooh baby

FEMALE BG3 COMPANIONS

NON-COMPANIONS/NON-ORIGIN COMPANIONS

[ginsengkitten]

☆ Brat by ginsengkitten ☆

☆ Slash One-Shot

☆ Synopsis:

Slashes absence from being on tour has caused you quite the attitude problem, and he’s going to fix it..

☆ Tags: heavy smut, age gap, daddy k!nk, size k!nk, angst, rough,

-

It was no secret that you and slash often butt heads. No, the two of you were notorious for bickering and you, especially. You were stubborn, hard headed and determined, with slash being likewise. Maybe it was the age gap, different perspectives. The secret in question, was how the two of you settled your disputes in private. That part remained a mystery.

It was a classic night out on the town with the crew. One of those partying weekends crawling through every single bar and club. Nothing new per se. You adjusted your new skirt in the mirror as you checked to make sure everything looked good. You had just bought it and were excited to get to use it. You felt good. "Guys! Leaving in 5!" Axl called out. Slash entered the room from the bathroom, adjusting his belt when he took a double take at you. His expression soured slightly. "Are you wearing that tonight?" He questioned. You stood up. "Yeah, actually I am. Is there a problem?" You reply.  He eyed your body up and down judgmentally. You cross your arms defensively. Slash wasn't one to shame you for wearing what you wanted, but he was one to get jealous and overprotective at times and would let it eat away at him. It stemmed from such an intense attraction to you, sometimes the thought of another person laying their eyes on his girl, drove him crazy.

"It's a bit..short, doll.." he grumbled, angrily salivating at your legs and ass accentuated by the new skirt. What was his deal? You thought annoyed. You were so excited about the new skirt and he just had to ruin it. You usually enjoyed his protective nature, but tonight was just pushing it. "Oh I'm sorry, I forgot the part where you suddenly gave a shit about public decency?" You snarked as you put lipstick on in the mirror. He came up behind you and you felt his hard warmth press up against your backside. His large hand gently fistfulled your hair and he slightly jerked your head back while the other snaked its way around your neck. Butterflies swirled inside you very suddenly.

His hot breath kissed your ear. "I think you need to go put something else on. Something that isn't going to be such a fucking distraction all night." He growled in your ear, sending goosebumps flooding your skin. "It's not my fault if you can't keep it in your pants." You curse. You feel his grip around you tighten. "I'm sorry, what was that doll?" He growled angrier in your ear and tightened his grip on your neck. "I didn't quite hear you baby, speak up." He jerked your hair in his fist angrily. "Fine." You snarl. Your frustration overwhelmed the growing arousal and you pushed out of his semi-relaxed grasp.

"Hurry up, we need to get going." He said as he left the room, slamming the door shut. Annoyance pooled inside of you. The fuck does he think he is? He has no place to be pissy, if anyone should be pissy it's you, you thought to yourself as you rummaged in the closet. He's the one always gone on tour and leaving you alone half the time. So yeah, what if you like to dress more scantily. It was only to catch his attention since whenever he was home he was barely present anyways due to how tired the tour was making him.

Resentment and frustration boiled inside of you and you make the executive decision to deny him the satisfaction. You instead put on an even sexier, shorter and tighter outfit. A tight leather mini skirt and a top brassier akin to lingerie, with fishnet stockings and heels. You looked a total bombshell. That skirt wasn't slutty. If he wanted to see slutty, you'd show him something real slutty.

"Okay, ready. Sorry for making you guys wait!" You chirp as you trot gracefully and confidently into the foyer. Everyone clearly giving you a good looking. Slash's expression darkened and he went stone cold. His anger gave you a thrill inside. He approached you and as he was about to make a comment on your new outfit, axl interrupted excitedly. "Alright fuckers let's go already- cabs here." Saved by the bell you thought. Slash had no choice but to allow this. He stayed silent the entire ride there, but his eyes were on you every second and you could feel it. You paid no mind to him and purposefully flaunted yourself in an especially smooth manner all night. You danced sexy on the dance floor and toyed your straw with your tongue as you made eye contact with him. His increasing anger was obvious. You made an effort to avoid him all night, only dangling yourself right out his reach. This was payback. The thrill of pissing him off kept you entertained up until it was time to go home, to which you repeatedly denied to leave, only pissing him off further. "Y/N, it's time to go it's fucking 2 am." He grumbled.

You twirled around the dance floor sexily. You turned your backside to him and began grinding on him to the music. The club still wildly alive. “I think I’ll stay a bit longer.” You tease. He’s beyond frustrated and pissed off. All night all he could think about was you. All night he was hard and frustrated. It was difficult not to be turned on by you for him, he wanted one night where he wouldn’t be so distracted by your beauty. One night to just play. With you in a room, he had little time to think. It didn’t matter where or what. Thats how he fell for you to begin with. You drove him wild. And now, your beauty, he couldn’t help but feel jealous that everyone got to share it. He bowed him mouth near your ear, his warm breaths caressed your neck. “You’re about to find out what happens to little bratty girls like you.” He growled. His deep low rasp sending chills through you, pooling to warmth in your stomach.

Something about his tone made you pause. Damn. Okay, maybe you pushed him too far this time for real..you just wanted to push his buttons. This is what you wanted anyways, his attention. Now you got it. Perhaps more than you bargained for.

-

Butterflies continued inside you. You’d sobered up quick at his words. As he opened the door to the car, he gave your ass a hard smack as you climbed in.”what the- slash!” You yelped in pain. “Shut the fuck up.” He growled and slammed the door shut.

-

You stood at your suitcase, placing your heels inside. The hotel room dead silent. Slash exited the bathroom and sat on the bed. You head it creak behind you and knew it was him. You hesitated to turn around, knowing what may wait for you. But god- you wanted it. Still, you grasped at the feeble chance you might still win at this little game.

“Come here.” He demanded, piercing the quiet.” Your heart skipped a beat. You paused for a second. “I was just about to shower..-“ you reply nonchalantly. You turn to face him. He looks fucking amazing. He sat at the end of the bed, shirtless like a king at a throne. Like he didn’t care. A hard on clearly in his pants. His legs wide open. “I didn’t ask. Come. Now.” He further demands.

You obey willingly and approach him. He wastes no time in laying you across his lap. He flipped up your skirt, rubbing his palm across your ass. “You have some fucking nerve you know that sweetheart? And now I have to punish you, all because you had to fuck with me like a little spoiled brat. I didn’t want to have to do this honey.” He suddenly gave a hard smack upon your ass, causing you to yelp. “But you did this to yourself.” He smoothed his hand again. You braced for another hit but it didn’t come.

He pulls you up onto his lap facing away from him. You feel him hot beneath you, pressing hard against your thighs. He runs his hands up and down your skin. “You think you’re so smart little bunny…that you can just fuck with me and get away with it.” He remarks. You say nothing.

His large rough hand snakes around your neck entirely , holding you back against him. His mouth caressing your ear once more. “You want to act like a little whore, I’ll make you act like a little whore.” He growled lowly. You were dripping with anticipation. Ready for him to teach you a lesson. To touch you.

He slithered him hand up your skirt. “Spread those fucking legs.” He ordered. His hand rubbing roughly against your panties, before pushing them aside. “See, already so fucking wet. You’re begging to be fucked aren’t you, you little slut.” He taunts as he runs through the wet folds. You melt into him. He quickly shoves two fingers inside you. You yelp in pleasure and pain. “Oh fuck-“ you gasp. He starts roughly pumping his fingers into you. You squirm in his grasp but he wrangles you still, rendering you prisoner to him although you didn’t mind at all. The sensitivity driving you wild. “Slash- f-fuck” you moan out trying to squirm. He thrusts you firmly down and grips your neck tighter, pumping faster now. “No no, you take that shit baby.” He growls

He gives a few more moments of hard thrusts into you before exiting. He stood up, picking you up and in a swift moment, he tosses you onto the bed like a doll. You lay spread among the blankets, helpless and ready. He kneeled up onto the bed, encasing you beneath him as he towered above you menacingly. His eyes feasting upon you like a sadist. He ducked down and hovered right above you, his large arms trapping you between him. He gives you a look of pity and shakes his head, giving a slight laugh. A scary laugh. “W-what..?” You question nervously.

He caresses his rough hand along your cheek, and in a sinisterly calm voice, coos out

“Nothing baby…just admiring you before I fucking violate you.”

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

A Guiding Hand 5

No tag lists. Do not send asks or DMs about updates. Review my pinned post for guidelines, masterlist, etc.

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as noncon/dubcon, age gap, parental neglect, depression, inference of self harm, violence, abuse, and possible untagged elements. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: your online academics are affected by your personal struggles but your professor won’t let you give up so easy.

Characters: Raymond Smith, Lee Bodecker in the background

Note: I'm a sleepy baby.

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me.

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!) Please do not just put ‘more’. I will block you.

I love you all immensely. Take care. 💖

Another unit done. You’re not certain how you’ve kept it up but you’re just waiting for your motivation to fizzle out. Each activity, each page, you teeter on the edge of oblivion. Workbook Five is almost complete and Six will be the final for the course. There’s a shell of disbelief around you. You really did it. 

Well, not quite yet. 

You sit back and stretch your neck and shoulders. Your teachers always told you to stop hunching but your shoulders always curled forward and your neck sunk anyway. Not out of defiance, just to make yourself small, maybe even, invisible. 

You stand, fingers cold and slightly numb. It’s a rainy day and the cold seeps in as your mother keeps the radiator off. You tuck your hands into your hoodie sleeve and find your slippers, a faded old pair that used to be somewhat fluffy. 

It’s quiet. You haven’t heard your mother at all. It’s not too unusual. After a binge, sometimes she just sleeps all day and night. You don’t like it, you don’t like that it’s normal, but it’s just how she is. How it is and always will be. 

Well, you’re trying to change yourself. You can’t change her or this place. 

You open the door slowly and peek out. A habit. You emerge quietly and rub your nose with your cuff, sniffing behind your sleeve as you shuffle into the kitchen. You do your best not to make too much noise as you fill the kettle. You have a few more bags of green tea, the you’re all out. You need to go back to the grocery store but the food credits won’t come until next week. 

You turn the dial on the stove and lean against the front as the kettle sits on the back burner. You close your eyes, groggy and slightly dizzy. You’ve been staring at numbers for so long, you don’t even know what time it is. Morning at night, you can’t tell by a glance through the gray window. 

You yawn again. Maybe chamomile might be a better choice. You lift your head and lean back on your heels as you mull the decision. The floor creaks with your weight as you shift indecisively. You’re not even sure you have any left.  

As you back up, you collide with something, someone, else. You grunt as suddenly there’s a clamp around your neck and you’re shoved forward against the stove. You brace the edge, careful not to touch the top as the heat from the burner radiates across the metal. 

Lee’s chuckle brushes over your hair, “there you are, girl. You been hiding.” 

“Eek, no--” you squirm and writhe. 

He’s too strong. He pushes harder and you’re forced to bend, precariously hovering over the stove, the kettle not far from your cheek. You squeak as your slippers scuff on the floor between his feet. 

“Please--” 

“You should be begging,” he snarls, “little girl like you, messing where she shouldn’t be.” 

“I’m sorry,” you squeal, “you were hurting her--” 

“Ain’t none of your business, is it?” He jolts you and you nearly hit your head off the back of the stove. He grabs your wrist with his other hand as he pinches your neck tighter. “Your mama likes it rough, don’t ya know? Walls ain’t that thick.” 

You whine and struggle to resist him as he brings your hand up, angling it towards the kettle as you hear that water starting to hum. You can feel the heat roiling from it. You push back against him, pressing your hand to the back of the stove to get better leverage. 

“Want me to hurt you? Is that it? Tired of just listening,” he snorts, your hand shaking close to the kettle as you babble, “suppose like this, won’t be too bad.” 

He wiggles his pelvis against you and you hiccup in fear. You twitch and he shoves your hand against the kettle. You cry out as it scalds your skin, steam hissing through the spout and towards your face. Your eyes well and you gnash your teeth. 

“Pl-please,” you plead and he lets go of your arm, framing your hip instead.

He pulls you back against him, “Mmm,” he shakes his hips again, “think I could. You ain’t bad from behind.” 

Horror erupts up your throat as you scramble desperately, trapped by his weight. You grab onto the handle of the kettle, even as your burnt flesh screams, and you hurl yourself back. He staggers as you swing the heavy vessel in his direction but it only splashes on your slippers as he dodges away from you. A flare of anger lights up his blue eyes. 

“Ha,” he sneers at you, “you’re funny, girl. Got a whole lotta fight for nothing. Far as I can tell, ain’t no other man around to want you. Not even your daddy.” 

You lower the kettle, breathless and terrified. The sting of his word wounds more than the blistering flesh on your fingers. You shake your head. 

“Leave me alone,” you croak. 

“Hmph,” he curls his lips, “just you wait,” he eyes you up and down. 

You stand, paralysed by the stove. He stomps away and you watch him go, not daring to move. When you hear your mother’s door slam, you shakily set the kettle on the countertop. You turn your hand over an examine your palm, the sight of it adding to the agony. 

You don’t know how you can write now. 

📓

You tap the mousepad twice to get it to react. Your poorly wrapped hand makes everything double the task. You huff as you switch hands, awkwardly navigating to the email icon. You expand the window and find a new email. Professor Smith. 

‘Thank you for your last submission. I have reviewed your work and would like to provide feedback via Zoom if possible. Please provide times which work for you. 

Looking forward to speaking again. 

Take care, 

Raymond’ 

As usual. He is very direct. You can almost appreciate that about him and yet it does not rein in your paranoia. Feedback via Zoom? Why? Can’t he just write it down? Did you do something wrong?  

Ugh. You slump and stare at the keyboard. It can’t be avoided. You haven’t even started Six because of your hand. Maybe a review would be helpful. Besides, it would be a waste to give up now. It wasn’t so bad before, was it?  

You hit reply and key in your response slowly with one hand. 

‘Hello Professor, 

I can do anytime tomorrow.  

Thank you.’ 

It isn’t the most academic or professional response. You don’t know what else to say. You have no schedule to adhere too, you can only hope your mom isn’t making a racket. 

You send and close up the laptop. You have to rewrap your hand. It’s really hurting but you’ve been rationing the Polysporin. You just want it to heal quick so you can finish your work. 

📓

Professor Smith confirms for nine in the morning. You make sure you’re awake but your head is pulsing. Your sleep schedule is all off. You opt for a plain long-sleeved tee over the hoodie, trying to appear as presentable as you can. Nothing you own can compare to his tidy attire; you recall his sweater and stiff collar. Often, you find yourself wilting over how he must think of you. Just like everyone else does, you suppose. 

You get set up. Your room isn’t too bad. You’ve been trying to keep up on it. Your laundry is in a basket although the bookshelf is getting a bit cluttered again. Oh well, he won’t be able to see much around you. 

You open the laptop. Ten minutes to go. You can hardly sit still. Your anxiety peaks as you hear your mom’s voice from down the hall. It’s early for you, but even earlier for her. 

There’s a knock at the door, “honey, do we got any coffee left?” 

“Mom,” you get up and go to the door, cracking it open, “I left enough for a pot in the tin. I’m still waiting on the credits.” 

“Oh,” she smiles through the narrow space, “Lee musta used them the last of it.” She smiles. She’s drunk. She hasn’t just woken up, she’s been awake all night. She turns and waddles away unsteadily, “baby, we got no coffee.” 

You sigh and shut the door. You go back to the computer. Please don’t make a ruckus. You don’t need another scene. 

You click the meeting link and fidget. You’re not ready. Are you ever? Life is just doing things you’re unprepared for. 

You wince as Professor Smith appears on the screen. He greets you by name and you return a ‘hello, professor’. 

“Good morning?” He asks brightly. 

You shrug, “yeah, I guess...” you look one way then the other, uncertain, “how are you, professor?” 

“Great, thanks for asking,” he reaches for a tall mug and takes a sip before exhaling, “so, I suppose you would just like to get this over with.” 

“Um, no, er, I...” 

“Not saying anything about you,” he assures as he leans forward, crossing his arms over the desk. His eyes scan through his lens and you realise he must be reading something on the screen, “you’ve done wonderful work. I especially wanted to high light a few things.” 

“Oh, uh, yeah, I probably made some mistakes,” you clumsily click around as his image remains in the corner of the screen. You hiss as your fingers throb and open the workbook. 

“On the contrary, it’s perfect. In fact, you’ve managed to bring my own error to light. I was certain at first it wasn’t me but I went in a redid the work for Problem Eight. Clever.” 

You sit back and nod, surprised.

There’s a thump and your mom’s voice, met by Lee’s rumbling timbre. Muffled enough that their words can be deciphered but you worry it is still heard through the microphone. You clear your throat and move closer, sitting up as you bring your injured hand to rub your neck. 

“A lot going on?” Smith wonders. 

“No, sir, sorry, I wasn’t expecting it,” you shrug and scratch your cheek, the gauze rough and loose. 

“Oh my, what’s happened there? Are you alright?” 

You pause and jerk as another bang sounds and your mother’s cackle erupts, stopping sharply 

“Yes, sir,” you quickly hide your hand, “I had an accident. Um, I was going to ask... it’s taking me a while to type...” 

“By all means, we may discuss accommodations,” he assures, “I am, as ever, patient. Most importantly, you must take care of yourself.” 

“Sir,” you nod and your door rattles in the frame. “Um...” you glance over your shoulder. Why now? 

“Are you certain this isn’t a bad time?” 

“I’m sorry,” you face the laptop, “I didn’t think--” 

“Hey, you lazy bitch!” A hard rap shakes the door behind you, “get out here.” 

You go wide-eyed and stare at the screen. No. Please. Not again. 

Professor Smith’s brow ripples and his jaw squares, “it seems you’ve got some chaos over there.” 

“It’s just... I... one sec,” you bring the call full screen and search for the controls and hit mute. You stand up and go to the door, trying to block it out with your body. You open it as Lee smirks back at you, “we’re all outta coffee. Why don’t you go and get us some?” 

He holds up a ten dollar bill and flicks it against your nose, “y’ain’t got nothing else to do.” 

“I’m busy,” you say, “can it wait a few minutes?” 

“Busy?” He snips, “with what? You can watch your damn TV when you get back.” 

“Sorry, but I can’t--” 

“Lee, she’ll go in a bit,” your mother preens from down the hall. 

“I got a damn headache, she can drag her ass out right now,” he barks back at her, “it’s my money, ain’t it?” 

“Please, I’m... just after.” 

“Why? Whatcha hiding?” 

“Nothing, it’s school--” 

He shoves the door and you stumble back, hitting the bookshelf with your shoulder. He bulls past you and looks around, his eyes narrowing on your laptop. You turn to see the professor watching intently from his side of the call and you scurry to catch up with Lee and stop him. He elbows you away, tossing you against your bedframe. You hit it and crash to the floor. 

“I see, you entertainin’,” he scoffs and hits the keys several times. 

“Who are you, sir?” Smith asks, his tone cool but dangerous. 

You hear the little blip that signals the mute is off, “should ask ya the same. Whatcha doin’ talkin’ to young girls, eh?” 

“Is she your daughter?” Smith challenges and gets a chortle in return. 

“Nah, just a whore like her mother, ain’t she? You’d know better than me.” 

You get to your knees and grab at his hand, “please, he’s my professor.” 

“Don’t lie to me. Irene,” he spins as he hollers for your mother, “come see what your daughter’s doin’." He pauses to grit over his shoulder, "If ya gonna be whorin’ on the internet, you should at least try to get some money outta it.” 

“Huh, Lee, leave her alone,” your mom appears in the doorway and you crawl past Lee, keeping low as you reach up to keyboard and feel around. 

Professor Smith says your name but you hold the power button until the laptop fan slows and quiets. You sit back on your heels and look over as Lee peers around your room. Your mom sways in the doorway. 

“Who was that?” She asks. 

“I told him, it’s my professor--” 

“You ain’t smart enough for all that book stuff,” Lee growls, “go on and keep lyin’.” 

“Why do you care?” You sniff. 

“Honey, don’t be rude.” 

“Mom,” you whine, “he shouldn’t be in here.” 

“Lee, baby, I’ll go get the coffee,” she redirects. You hang your head. 

“I want her to go,” he turns and throws the ten at you, “the way she leach of ya, it’s the least she can do.” 

You wince, “it’s okay, mom, I can go.” You grab the desk and stand, swiping up the bill. You need to get out of this apartment. Staying will only make him angrier. Staying will only make she shame worse. 

[rowdyhughesy]

Like father like son - Jack Hughes

“ you have chaos in your soul and lightning in your veins. You my dear were made for wild, magical things “

- erin matlock

word count: 1.2K

There's a lot of things you'd like to say in this moment, things you'd like to do as you watch him stand in front of the mirror. Lip tucked between his teeth and nervous features on his face. But you know that what you have to say won't make a difference so you stay silent. Newly painted fingernails twisting and turning the ring on your fingers, a habit you've developed since you got married.

It's not until familiar arms wrap around your shoulders, the hands grabbing yours to stop your anxious fiddling that you get out of your head. "Breath Sweets, I'm starting to think you're more nervous than he is." Jack chuckles pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head. Turning your head you lower your voice, scared that you're gonna make your son even more anxious if he hears your conversation.

"I'm just worried he's going to be disappointed." Jack gives you a lazy smile in return. Giving you a quick peck he walks over to your oldest grabbing the tie that lays discarded on the hotel bed.

It warms your heart, watching Jack walk over to Lake,  bumping his shoulder against the teenagers in greeting. How they share small words between each other as he helps him with his tie.

It brings to back to Lakes first picture day in preschool. You’d styled his unruly curls -he got those from Jack- and he had whined about how the dress-shirt was itchy while Jack helped him tie his shoes for a solid 5 minutes.

“What do you think mom?” Lake does a twirl showing you his finished product. Dark green suit making him look more tan than he already is and the brown curls are falling in his eyes. You’d told him to get a haircut but he had been persistent in not ruining his precious flow. Faint freckles scattered across his nose and cheeks.

Blinking away the tears that are forming you stride over, tugging the tall boy close in a hug. “You look so handsome baby.” Is all you can muster up between the sniffles. Lake gives you his signature look when he thinks you’re embarrassing. It often comes out when you’re at his games screaming so loud you can hear it on the other side of the rink.

Jack feeling left out pulls both of you into a group hug. The three of you stay like that for a while, reminiscing back to when it were only the three of you for a solid 5 years. Back in your apartment in Newark, before you bought the house in Hoboken. Before the twins were born.

It was free days with no practice, games, school or work spent playing street hockey and eating breakfast for dinner. It was Lake scoring a goal on Luke for the first time at 5 and a big toothless smile as he jumps in Jacks arms screaming daddy did you see that?

Things weren’t as hectic but it’s all the chaos, road trips and early practices that brought you here and it’s all you could wish for.

This day is all about Lake.

A small knock on the door catches your attention. Giving Jack a look as to say I've got it you wrap your hand around the handle opening it. In the hallway stands your families. The twins Parker and Kaiden come barrelling in like the tornado they usually are as soon as the door opens. A laughing Luke following after along with Quinn who gives you an apologetic smile. "They couldn't wait any longer to see you guys I'm sorry."

“It’s fine Quinn.”

Kaiden seems to have found interest in pestering Lake per usual, babbling in his ear about how he’s better than him at hockey to which Lake only puts him in a headlock. Knuckles ruffling the blonde hair as Kaiden screams for Parker to save him.

Parker isn’t listening to his pleads though because he’s fully concentrated on watching something on Luke’s phone.

The pair of them more best friends than uncle and nephew. Jack believes it has something to do with the fact that both of them are the youngest out of three brothers. You think it’s because Luke is secretly Parker’s hero.

“Kai stop annoying him. Lake don’t give your brother knuckles he’ll go bald if you do that shit” Jack finally breaks Lake and Kaiden apart, having grown tired of their fighting. Kaiden stares at his dad astonished for a second before his head whips around glaring at his older brother.

“I’ll never get any girls if you make me bald asshole!”

“Kaiden language!”

Your knee is bouncing up and down in your seat, hand tightly holding onto Jack’s in a futile attempt to calm your nerves. Lake is biting his lip again but it’s pointless to say anything because he will continue doing it until his name is called.

You know he doesn’t anticipate being picked first overall, his numbers are even better than Jacks were during his draft year but Lake is a realist. Something he got from Jim, he knows he can be number one but there’s other players equally as good so he waits.

The start of the draft before the picks start going off has you even more anxious. Why is it taking so long?

When the spokesperson for the New York Islander steps up on the stage you grab Lake’s hand on instinct. Giving it reassuring squeeze as to say it’s okey. He squeezes right back. One hand running through his hair just as the man in a suit speaks up.

“The New York Islanders are proud to select as first overall from university of Michigan. Lake Hughes.” Before the announcer even has the chance to say the full name you and Jack are up on your feet cheering. Lake stands up with his eyes wide as if he can’t believe what just happened. Like he’s waiting for someone to wake him up.

You whisper how proud you are and how much you love him in your sons ear as he hugs you. Silent tears spilling from your eyes and you don’t even try to hide it because this is all he’s ever wanted and it happened.

Jack brings Lake into the tightest hug you’ve ever seen and that’s saying a lot since he’s always hugging your kids whenever he has the chance.

“I love you Lake. Now go up there and show them what being a Hughes means alright? I’m proud of you buddy.” Jack wipes away his tears when he thinks nobody’s looking but you all see it.

Lake walks down the stairs, shaking peoples hand with a toothy grin as he goes. Handing off his suit jacket when he reaches the stage and shakes more hands before the jersey is given to him.

Turning to Jack you find him already looking at you, glassy eyes and soft smile.

“You did that.” You tell him and he only shakes his head before kissing you.

“No baby, we did that. Together.” And it makes you giddy.

Yeah you did that, you made an awesome kid who loves hockey.

His skill set aren’t thanks to you though because you’re a lousy shot and fall on your ass most of the time when on the ice. The hockey? The hockey is all thanks to Jack.

[onlyjaeyun]

i’ve been following ur writing for some time now and i do have to agree with that anon who said you did CH dirty. you are a very talented writer so it’s just hard to watch.

you started off CH so strong with the lore and little chapters here and there but as it progressed you kind of just got lazy and it shows. when important events happened in the story, they weren’t conveyed through writing but through the texts (ie the riki and yn fight, that was definitely worth a written chapter) and it was honestly disappointing.

the ending isn’t much to say about either. yn and hoon barely go through development after the letter incident and all of a sudden they’re dating and married with a kid like two chapters later?

idk, if it was a mental health issue then i get that but even then you should’ve just gave it a break and thought everything out more. you could do so much better.

thank you for the feedback!

i wanna put you through the progess of a piece of writing from the POV of a writer okay? now keep in mind: i work two jobs, am a fulltime uni student and the daughter of an immigrant household with two parents who still work most of the day just so you know what else i have to deal with, besides my mental health okay?

now, i started off CH strong right? yes. i uploaded on the daily, fine i chose that. a chapter usually takes me around one hour if i actually sit down and focus on nothing but the chapter itself, which includes IG stories, editing, formatting etc. alright

on top of the daily chapters, i constantly replied to 40+ asks a day, a blessing in disguise because no matter how much i enjoy talking to you guys, the pressure does get worse the bigger that number of my inbox becomes, i hope this makes sense

now, i started CH back in october, right when my semester started, thats why i started off strong but as time went on, my assignments and private life got too busy and i guess i felt entitled enough as a writer to skip a few certain chaps and make life a little easier for me by making them regular chapters instead of written ones.

and this is gonna be my main point: i'm not a machine. i wrote a minimum of 5 THOUSAND words per written chapter, MINIMUM. we're talking about a 5-9 THOUSANDED worded chapter EACH WEEK. which usually took me about 6-7 hours, even allnighters.

yes, i chose to do that and maybe my time management wasn't the best but i had to create a compromise where i wouldnt have let you guys wait for over two months which would have resulted in me losing my motivation completely, and yet still focusing on EXAMS. because you know, i'm a fulltime uni student with TWO jobs 😮‍💨

if YOU think i did CH dirty go write an alternative ending yourself but it should be a minimum of 15 chapters including 5 written ones, with at LEAST 9k words each yeah? i wanna see you manage it all, pls prove me wrong snd show me you're better than me i'm genuinely begging bc it might inspire me to do "better" next time.

as a writer/artist/creator, and i can tell you probably arent one yourself or havent been one for long, the longer smth takes to come to an end the worse the pressure becomes which results in a blockage i dont wish upon my worst enemy i'm being deadass. i dealt with some of the worst writer's block ive had since i started writing literally 12 years ago and you're telling me i should have just "taken a break" and do "better"

i never, ever expected anything from anyone but some of you are so entitled to a writer's time and skill it's giving me a headache. maybe you didn't like the timing and writing of the last few chapters of CH and i guess that's unfortunate but this was so unnecessary because you completely dismissed everything else that could have been going on in my life and even belittled my mental health issues like im some fucking AI writing machine

do better, be nicer, write it yourself if you don't like it i'm so fucking over this

if i had gotten out of my own comfort and wellbeing and have actually written another set of written chapters i would have burned myself completely out. ive been in this fandom for not even a year and have already finished FOUR smaus with 50 chapters each, you do NOT get to tell me what i should or could have done better because you dont even give a fuck about me as a person this is just about receiving what YOU think YOURE entitled to but this is MY art and I will do what I see fit even if it's not what was expected of it because i'm a fucking human being with a life before i'm a writer on tumblr

oh, also: i do this for free ㅤ:) just a reminder :) this is my HOBBY :)

and don't you EVER call me lazy again when it comes to writing because i'm not gonna pour my heart and soul into a fic just for you to call me lazy when i literally wrote 50 THOUSAND words for this fucking fic just for the written chapters

goodbye

[ghostlyloversworld]

UNTIL I FOUND HIM

Tewkesbury x Fem! Reader

✩Idea✩- Reader is the youngest of 5 siblings, her mother told her that her time of marriage will come and that she shouldn't seek out Landon's most eligible men. causing the reader to have the same mind set because her mother demes her as her least beautiful daughter. That is until a special someone lays eyes on her and finds her gentleness and timid nature refreshing from the other girls and her sisters that have came of age so he made it his top priority to seek her out at every ball and stroll in the park!

Credits! - @websterss

Song-! Cruel-Taylor swift

As the young girl sat in her room brushing her hair that she brushed probably more than fifteen times already, waiting patiently for her time of marriage to come. The young girl's mother who always told her 'You shall wait you're turn and do no try to seek out one of London's most eligible men for they would not want you' had being to rub off on the young girl.

My love was as cruel as the cities I lived in Everyone looked worse in the light There are so many lines that I've crossed unforgiven I'll tell you the truth, but never goodbye

Her mother calls out to her from downstairs "Y/n! " she shouts making the young girl abruptly stop her daily routine of taking care of her hair "Yes mother!" she calls out as she puts her brush on her night stand before she gets up from her bed and walking over to her door she gently grabbed ahold of the doorframe.

I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you I've been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night And now I see daylight, I only see daylight.

Her mother was walking over while she shoved her earrings in her ears "Isabella needs to borrow you're umbrella now hand it over" Y/n wanted to tell her mother no for once but she was afraid of the consequences. So she nodded "Yes mother.. " Y/n shuffled back into her room and grabbed her umbrella before she returned to the doorway "here you go.. " her mother looks over at Isabella "well grab it girl.. We don't have all day" she huffed out madly at the other girl. Isabella rolls her eyes before she snatched the umbrella out of the younger girl hand's "thanks.. " Isabella said her usual snarky tone before she turns to follow their mother who was already walking away like per-usual. The young girl felt so out of place, she didn't want to be someone who they can all walk over but yet, she was afraid to speak up.

Luck of the draw only draws the unlucky And so I became the butt of the joke I wounded the good and I trusted the wicked Clearing the air, I breathed in the smoke Maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down Maybe I've stormed out of every single room in this town Threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it's morning now It's brighter now, now.

so when her mother and Isabella got back home that afternoon her mother calls out again "Y/n go get oranges from the market!" Y/n sighs and puts her feather down that she was using to write "Yes mother!" She called out before she slips her heels on. And she looks over at the small mirror before she scoffed "why can't I just.. Not be scared to say something to my mother" she got what she needed before the young girl open her door to walk out.

I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you (I can never look away) I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you (Things will never be the same) I've been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night (Now I'm wide awake) And now I see daylight (Daylight), I only see daylight (Daylight) I only see daylight, daylight, daylight, daylight I only see daylight, daylight, daylight, daylight.

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★

As the young girl was grabbing an orange another person reached for the same orange which freaks the girl out the person also kinda just freaks out.

"Shoot I'm sorry" the person told the girl as the girl brings her hands back and she wipes her hands on her dress "it's fine I guess" she muttered the person looks at her "you can have it" this makes the girl look at him.

Like daylight It's golden like daylight You gotta step into the daylight and let it go Just let it go, let it go.

The guy felt awkward now but the girl just muttered again "you can have it" the guy looks at the orange "you sure?.. " he reached out for it "sure" the girl said before grabbing a different orange. After a while of nothing but now awkward silence the guy speaks up "I'm Tewkesbury" the girl bites her lips as she holds back her laughter making Tewkesbury look at her "is there something funny" the girl looks back "don't worry about it.. I'm y/n..." The girl looks back at the orange.

before she asked the person who owns the fruits and vegetables "how much is this orange" the person who was playing with an old rusty coin looks at her lazily "50 pounds" the girl sighs and pulls put 50 pounds before she gave it to the person "here.. "

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★

The young girl was standing beside her mother at a ball that she didn't even want to be at but her mother insistent that she would find her husband and someone will finally court the young girl but even the young girl didn't have that hope.

To her utterly surprised, someone approaches her mother and her. Hands behind his back "good evening.." It was Tewkesbury, her mother almost fainted at the sight of the young man but he paid no attention to her mother instead he looks at the young girl "it seems as though we cross paths again" he reached out and grabbed her hand Bringing the back of her hand upwards and he gently pressed his lips against her hand not for too long but for a good minute before he gently pulled away and he let's go of her hand before he fixes his posture.

And so it begins from that day forward He went out of his way to find the young girl either at a party or just a small scroll through the park. He would always look for her until he finally got the courage to ask her for her hand in marriage

I wanna be defined by the things that I love Not the things I hate Not the things that I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of Not the things that haunt me in the middle of the night I, I just think that You are what you love

[dronebiscuitbat]

Give me a Reason: Chapter 5 - "The Elliots"

N and Tessa made there way through the foyer, decorated with mahogany and antique furniture, the windows adored with velvet curtains and cleaned until you couldn't tell it was glass anymore.

There was a servant waiting for them, dressed to the nines. A clean shaven face, and short black hair with steel colored eyes. A pressed black vest over a white dress shirt and a black bow tie, N didn't know his name, he didn't know any of the servants names.

“Young Master Tessa, Master Louisa requests your presence in her study.” The servant said, monotone, with his hands behind his back.

“Of course she does… ‘ight N, see you at dinner.” She sighed and waved him off, leaving him in the foyer smiling warily at the servant, going up to his room alone it was.

There were two sets of spiral staircases the led upwards, and two hallways either side, one lead to an expansive library, full of every book, magazine and article you could imagine, the other a large dining hall, despite the table being made for twenty people, there were only ever five people sitting there at a time… usually less.

He started his way up the stairs passing hall after closed off hall of doors that lead to the different rooms of the manor, if he was being honest he didn’t know what was in most of them, they'd just moved. And he hadn't had time to actually explore his own home.

Not… that he wanted to, going from living in a modern, sleek, polished marble and right angles to this was a little bit of a culture shock. He didn't mind the rural setting; much preferred it to the foggy, polluted skyline he was used to. It was the manor itself that was… creepy.

If you would have him describe “haunted manor.” Then he'd describe the inside of this place down to the tan walls with wood accents and the ancient, well maintained hardwood underneath his feet. It wasn't just how old the place was either. Mr. And Mrs. Elliot had hired enough servents to keep the place spotless and looking like new.

It was just so big. So empty, so… oppressive.

And lonely…

He shook off those thoughts, it was fine, he'd just have to adjust to it, he was always good at going with anything, surely this would be no different.

“Don't be such a bitch J.”

“Then don't be such a pussy, V.”

Ah, that sounded like his sisters off in the next room over, bickering as per usual and probably about something small or nothing at all.

“I am not letting you anywhere near my room! Not my fault it has a window and your's doesn't, your's is bigger anyway!”

“But I'm the oldest, I deserve the window.”

“By eleven minutes! I want to see the garden, you have access to the library! Which you bitched and moaned about until you got, in case you don't remember.”

“You just want the window because it looks over the garden.”

“And? You just want the window because I enjoy looking over the garden and you have the inability to feel joy and must drag everyone else into the misery pit with you.”

“Give me your room.”

“No. Fuck you, suck my dick.”

N sighed, of all the things that had changed. That didn't, and he doubted it ever would. When he rounded the corner that's when he actually saw them, instead of listening to just their voices bickering.

V was the middle child out of the three, and she was the shortest too, if you call 5'10 short. She had short platinum blonde hair that was styled in a bob, a hairband keeping it in place perched on her head. Right now, she was in grey sweatpants and a black crop top, her arms crossed and amber eyes looking up and irate at her older sibling.

J was looking down at her, hand on her hip and long, similarly platinum hair going all the way down to her waist, she usually wore it up in a dual pair of pigtails or a ponytail, but that was absent for the moment. She wasn't in nearly the same casual clothes as V. With a short, black skirt, black, 4inch heels, and a grey business jacket over a white dress shirt. The sunglasses perched on her head were ever present, only leaving when she was sleeping. She had to have just come home if she was dressed like that.

“Hey guys.” He gave a smile towards the both of them, V gave a half-hearted smile and a wave at him, while J just rolled her eyes and scoffed, sticking her nose up at him.

“Ugh, whatever.” J walked off, heels clicking as she went down the hall towards her room, V let out a long suffering sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose before she looked N over.

“Good first day?” She asked, leaning against the wall and giving him a small smile, he relaxed a little bit, without J around, V tended to be in a better mood.

“Yeah! My teachers all seem nice! And I made a friend… I think.” When he thought about Uzi, she seemed…quiet, but also not? He wasn't entirely sure if he would consider what they had a ‘freindship’ per say. He thought she was cool, and they'd talked a handful of times.

Which was… more then he had with most people honestly, most found him a little… much.

“You think? What's that supposed to mean,” She curled

“It was mostly me talking…” He admitted, rubbing the back of his head and grinning sheepishly. “But! She let me borrow a pencil! That I… forgot to give back… but still!”

“Sounds like you just met someone and they took pity on you.” V replied, a dry sarcastic tone to her voice that gave away that she was teasing… mostly.

“Hey!” He yelped, ears turning pink.

“What? Don't call it a friendship if it's clearly not. Did you guys talk… about anything?”

“Uh… Mrs. Sparks had like animal heads and stuff floating in jars, we talked about that and… she told me she has a pig baby in one of them.”

“Ew. Anything else?”

“I gave her some of my lunch! The cafeteria kinda… completely ruined her food and so I gave her the tuna sandwich.”

“How'd they ruin it? Actually, don't answer that it's public school food.” Still she pondered it for a moment before shrugging. “That's like, an acquaintance, but whatever.”

“It's… the same thing isn't it?”

“Nope. But I gotta get to work, clothes don't model themselves.” She gave him a breif wave before checking her phone and grumbling to herself, walking off and out of sight.

Her and J , being out of school and a bit older then him, had other things to do. J was still going to college, business school of course, V took a different route, said no to more school and put herself on display, literally… she modeled for a few designer brands, and was sometimes stopped on the streets for her picture.

N was the youngest out of the three, being 18 and still in high school, though his last year thankfully, he'd always done decently in school, forgotten homework assignments and disorganization notwithstanding.

He entered his room, the heavy, creaking wooden door snapping shut loudly behind him as he looked around his room.

It was… bland. The bed was huge with crimson blankets made out of the smoothest kind of cashmere silk imaginable, the sheets light pink and light enough to feel like nothing when slept in.

But the walls were bare, his desk clean and devoid of everything but his grey laptop and a cup of pencils. The floor having only a basic rug directly underneath and around the bed. He had two small windows either side it, looking over the front of the manor and the driveway.

The only real thing of note was a well loved golden retriever plush resting on the bed, faded and the fur pressed down from being hugged night after night, he smiled at it, hooking his backpack on the back of his chair.

“Big brother Nathan?”

A small, shy little voice called out to him from behind the door to the connected room and he smiled, kicking off his shoes and taking off his hoodie, showing the basic grey t-shirt underneath.

“It's me!” He called back, opening the door to his little sisters room. Cynthia, or Cyn and everyone affectionately called her. She was reading, though now she looked up at him with big, innocent eyes that matched the rest of the siblings, along with her hair, held in a similar style to Tessa’s; mostly because she was the one who always styled it.

Her legs were covered by the blankets of her bed, and she beamed, sharing her older brother's sunshine of a smile as she made grabby hands at him.

Cyn was 6, the last and true youngest of the siblings. She was sweet… if having a peculiar interest in superstition, and N couldn't ask for a better little sister.

“Welcome back! How was school? Did you meet anyone? Were they cool? Can I meet them?” She immediately asked four questions in quick succession, each one making his smile a little wider.

“Good. Yes, yes. Maybe. In that order.” He replied as he wrapped her in a gentle hug, her arms gripping loosely around his neck. She giggled when he blew a raspberry on her cheek.

“And what did you do today Cyn?”

“Tessa brought up some more books for me to read! And then I got lunch… I heard J screaming at someone!”

“Have you not been out of your room today?”

“Uh. No… haven't felt very well, Tessa was at work and Big Sisters Vanessa and Jessica were busy…” She seemed a little sad, but N was here to make sure that didn't last very long.

“You want to take a stroll around the garden before dinner. I can take you.” He asked gently, and Cyn’s eyes lit up and she beamed.

“Yes! Thank you!”

With that, N leaned down and reached under her bed;

And pulled out a neatly folded wheelchair.

[impromptu-sketches]

𝔹𝕃 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟛 ✦ 𝕎ℝ𝔸ℙ-𝕌ℙ

Happy New Year! ☕️⋅˚₊‧🌸•₊✧📖｡⋆

For all of the BL stories I've read this past year, I have a winner in 13 categories and 5 overall 2023 winners!!

This was an amazing year for BL and incredibly hard just to narrow these down to only five per category. Thank you to all of the authors, writers, and creators out there! We appreciate your hard work ♡

Enjoy!

.

.

✰ FUNNIEST

And the nominees are...

Killer Crush (2022 winner)

Punch Drunk Love

Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi / The World's Greatest First Love: The Case of Ritsu Onodera

Lucky Paradise

Sasaki and Miyano

And the winner is...

PUNCH DRUNK LOVE

Moscareto, you've done it again. I'm literally laughing every chapter. The characters, the art, the whole story is amazing. Can't wait to continue reading it this year and will definitely be a re-read for me down the line. Love those AU chapters too!!

.

✰ MOST INTRIGUING

And the nominees are...

Mad Place (2021 winner)

Lost in the Cloud

Shutline

Liveta

I Became the Lousy Side Top

And the winner is...

I BECAME THE LOUSY SIDE TOP

Yay!! I was so surprised by this manhwa. I started to re-read it and suddenly it was taking over my thoughts - the transportation mystery and the shifting love triangle has me hooked!! I'm so excited to see where it goes from here ❀

.

✰ BEST S3X SCENES

And the nominees are...

Pearl Boy

Love in Orbit

Coyote

Taming the Tiger

The Ghost's Nocturne

And the winner is...

COYOTE

I mean... everything this author does is beautiful and sexy af. Their very first sex scene was... very good. The difference in species, the secrets, the newness, the amazing art style (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄ Easily some of the hottest scenes I've read.

.

✰ FAVORITE FLUFF

And the nominees are...

Our Dining Table

The Third Ending

Sasaki and Miyano

Hirano and Kagiura

Our Sunny Days

And the winner is...

OUR DINING TABLE

Awwwwww this one was so cute!! I read and also watched the live action which was great ♡ I usually don't get attached to shorter mangas because you don't spend as much time with the story and characters, but because I watched the live action with this one it's stuck in my heart. Super soft romance ♡

.

✰ FAVORITE BOTTOM

And the nominees are...

Seo-an | The Pizza Delivery Man and the Gold Palace (2022 winner)

Victor | Liveta (2021 winner)

Sangwoo | Semantic Error

Seon-Woo | Punch Drunk Love

Yeonwu | Banana Scandal

And the winner is...

SEON-WOO | PUNCH DRUNK LOVE

He really stole my heart with his hilarious daydreams and fantasies, but I grew to love this character even more because of his sweet (yet sexually charged) nature and the fact that he's genuine and earnest. So cute and just an overall unique character ♡

.

✰ FAVORITE TOP

And the nominees are...

Giovanni | Hold Me Tight (2021 winner)

Dooshik | Pearl Boy

Ash | Define the Relationship

Juwon | High Clear

Yoonseul | The Third Ending

And the winner is...

GIOVANNI | HOLD ME TIGHT

Giovanni again!! ♡ It was super tough to choose from this list of amazing men but as I've said many, many times, Giovanni has my whole heart. I simply love him.

Like a lot of the tops on this list (I love the green flags the most ♡) he's different from the typical top who's a company president/director. He doesn't care about money, power, or really anything else except the ones he loves - which is mainly just Felix. One of my favorite things about Giovanni is that he'll drop absolutely anything to go to Felix's side, no questions asked. And sometimes a few questions would be a good thing.

.

✰ FAVORITE COUPLE

And the nominees are...

Dooshik & Jooha | Pearl Boy (2021 and 2022 winner)

Skylar & Cirrus | Lost in the Cloud

Taeman & Dahyeok | Killer Crush

Sangwoo & Jaeyoung | Semantic Error

Sasaki & Miyano | Sasaki and Miyano

Woo-won & Seo-an | The Pizza Delivery Man & the Gold Palace

And the winner is...

DOOSHIK & JOOHA | PEARL BOY

Dooshik & Jooha again!! ♡ It was so hard to choose from this list!! But if you've read Pearl Boy, you know these two are the epitome of ride or die. On top of that, they're also so many other things, like adorable, awkward, funny, silly, and incredibly sexy. I absolutely LOVED their awkward and silly beginning and both of their determination throughout the story to be with each other and care for each other ♡♡

(Yes I have six in this category but I couldn't take any of these off the list!!)

.

✰ FAVORITE SIDE COUPLE

And the nominees are...

Potato & Heesung | Jinx

Sys & Randolph | King's Maker: Triple Crown

Deisel & Ein | Wolf in the House

Taeman & Da-hyuk | Killer Crush

Seo & Do-Hyeok | My Suha (side chapters)

And the winner is...

SEO & DO-HYEOK | MY SUHA (SIDE CHAPTERS)

I'm kind of surprised this won, but I can't lie. I ate these side chapters up. Every week I looked forward to seeing if these two were going to fight, f*ck, or fight while f*cking. I didn't think it would end so soon and abruptly. I was also hoping for a different ending. But I'm happy we got this story in the first place because I don't think anyone expected these two characters to interact, I'm glad we got to see it. And maybe we'll see more of them someday? A girl can dream.

.

✰ COUPLE I MOST WANT TO BE IN A THROUPLE WITH

And the nominees are...

Our Sunny Days

Define the Relationship

The Pizza Delivery Man and The Gold Palace

Pearl Boy

Hold Me Tight

And the winner is...

DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP

:'( Sadly none of these will become a reality, but if I could choose a relationship to be welcomed into with open arms, it would be with these two beautiful men. Two alphas? Are you kidding me? Two alphas, one top one bottom... yes please!!

.

✰ FAVORITE MAIN CHARACTER

And the nominees are...

Seon-Woo | Punch Drunk Love

Juwon | High Clear

Yoonseul | The Third Ending

Taeman | Killer Crush

Shin | Shutline

And the winner is...

TAEMAN | KILLER CRUSH

Taeman ♡♡♡ we've got ourselves a killer / babygirl! Really the perfect example of 'get you a man who can do both.' He'll kill a wild boar to save you no sweat then cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie with you. He's shy and blushes a lot, he's also calm, cool, and collected when he needs to be. He is everything to me ♡ Looking forward to re-reading Killer Crush soon before the next season comes out!!

.

✰ FAVORITE SIDE CHARACTER

And the nominees are...

Deisel | Wolf in the House

Woojin | Lucky Paradise

Sys | King's Maker: Triple Crown

Heesung | Jinx

Potato | Jinx

And the winner is...

SYS | KING'S MAKER / KING'S MAKER: TRIPLE CROWN

Where do I start? I love him ♡ I love everything about him. I love his cuteness and his cheerful energy. I fucking love his dom side, his choice of outfits for himself and others, his taste in men. What an icon. I'm sure I'll have much more to say after actually reading season 3.

.

✰ FAVORITE BOY

And the nominees are...

Kim Dan | Jinx

Dooshik | Pearl Boy

Giovanni | Hold Me Tight

Yoonseul | The Third Ending

Juwon | High Clear

And the winner is...

JUWON | HIGH CLEAR

I love this boy so much! So cute, so funny, incredibly awkward, and so freaking sexy. I love his tough energy in the beginning and his more recent soft top energy. His chibis kill me every single time. And I think it's well known by now that characters with red hair like this are my weakness (>ω<)

.

✰ FAVORITE TOXIC BL

And the nominees are...

Twittering Birds Never Fly

Low Tide in Twilight

Jinx

Under the Green Light

My Suha (side chapters)

And the winner is...

TWITTERING BIRDS NEVER FLY

How can I not choose Twittering Birds when I've been obsessed with it for like 3 years? I re-read it a few months ago and cannot get enough of these two. I love it. I need more. I pray for a happy ending - though not anytime soon. I cannot get enough of their tension and the recent chapters!!!! ⁂((✪o✪))⁂ I'm so excited to see what we'll see from them this year.

.

✰ SUING FOR EMOTIONAL DAMAGE

And the winner is...

PEARL BOY

I bawled my eyes out after seeing one tiktok of these two. The ending... while technically happy... had me in tears. Really, I was in distress throughout the entire series. And also the ending could have been happier and more clear in my opinion. But was it all worth it? Yes. Would I do it again? Ideally I would read it all in one go, but still yes.

.

✰ FAVORITE NEW BL

And the winner is...

OUR SUNNY DAYS

Ahhhhhhh!!! I'm so happy about this new BL!! So wholesome, so cute, SO FUNNY!! Not even 10 chapters in and I already adored all three of them. So much warmth ♡ I would read 100+ chapters about them just going about their daily lives.

The author apologized in chapter 22(?) because we had to wait so long for spicier chapters - first, I did not once feel like I was waiting too long for spicy chapters, I wasn't even thinking about that, I was just happy and second, dear author, you never have to apologize for anything, you're creating a masterpiece here. I already know it's going to be one of my all time favorites ♡♡♡

.

✰ FAVORITE ONGOING BL

And the winner is...

SEKAI-ICHI HATSUKOI / THE WORLD'S GREATEST FIRST LOVE: THE CASE OF RITSU ONODERA

Oh my god... I read this for the first time this year, not expecting much but to my surprise I enjoyed every second of it 0_0

It was just so fun! Ritsu was hilarious and relatable (minus the nepotism), maybe controversial, but I love Takano ♡ That man just wants Ritsu's love, he's got it so bad.

I loved reading about all of the side characters and couples too ♡♡ I will be reading Junjou Romantica and then re-reading this and then probably watching both animes. And by then, maybe, finally, Ritsu will have confessed.

.

✰ FAVORITE BL THAT ENDED THIS YEAR

And the winner is...

HOLD ME TIGHT, BANANA SCANDAL, -AND- SEMANTIC ERROR

I couldn't decide!!! How was I supposed to decide between these three??? There were so many great BLs that ended this year (ノAヽ)

Hold Me Tight - Wow, 194 episodes and I would have kept reading as far as the author wanted to go. This one has a special place in my heart because I remember exactly where I was when I started it and binged probably the whole first season. I've since re-read the entire thing, and despite how long it is, I was so sad when I got to the last chapter. One of my all time favorites. I love Giovanni and Felix so much ♡♡ I love their love ♡♡ (Leegang was my favorite side character). Funny, heartwarming, loving, wholesome ♡

Banana Scandal - I am so so SO glad that we got a season 3 ♡ Even with 190 episodes, similarly, I would have read three more seasons. I loved Taehee and Dojin in season one so much, but Yeonwoo and Taehwan stole my heart just as much at the end of season 2 and in season 3!! I will definitely be re-reading this again ♡ and recommending it forever. Sweet, funny, cute, love these boys ♡

Semantic Error - which just ended like last week it feels like. I'm so sad seeing this one end right now, I want to see more of Sangwoo and Jaeyoung ♡ I feel like there was some more to tell - I'm really hoping for a few side chapters. But overall, duh, I LOVED reading this. So funny, had me hooked from the very beginning. Enjoyed the art style, the concept, and of course the characters ♡♡ I will be re-reading this one again someday. And maybe checking out the novel...

For all of these and other ones that ended this year, I'll be so excited to read future works by these authors!!! ♡♡♡

.

✰ FAVORITE BL OF 2023

And the winner is...

SASAKI AND MIYANO -AND- HIRANO AND KAGIURA

I cheated again and included both of these for best of 2023! I think we all know why and know that I couldn't possible choose one over the other.

Sasaki & Miyano I started in the beginning of 2022 and immediately read Hirano and Kagiura after I caught up and also immediately watched the anime. And now we have a movie!

In addition to being an adorable and wholesome romance, both of these were hilarious. Miyano is my favorite, and one of my favorite panels of him is when he called Hirano an uke to his face ʱªʱªʱª(ᕑᗢूᓫ∗) Miyano you crazy fudanshi!!

The tension with both of these couples!! So freaking soft ♡ and the way I know we're all screeching at just hand holding and little touches is delightful ♡

.

.

.

Thank you for reading!

[tessenpai]

Kono Oto Tomare Chapter 128 Scans and Rough TL

Disclaimer: Please DO NOT use this translation to make your own TL of the chapter!! The KOT TL group works very hard to give you the most accurate translation, that does as much justice to the original script as possible. This is a ROUGH translation. That means is faulty and there must be mistakes in certain places. This is just for impatient people like myself to get a grasp on what is going on in the chapter! You can REFERENCE my TL if you want to discuss the chapter but never USE it as it was your own.

Scans: https://klz9.com/jxsh-kono-oto-tomare-raw-chapter-128.html

Page 1

Sign: Judge's Waiting Room.

Side Text: It's Tokise's turn. The competition's second day begins...

Chapter Title: #128 Dull Footsteps

Judge Tatsumi: !

Judge Tatsumi: Agata-sensei, Kurokawa-sensei. Good morning. You are both early, I see.

Page 2

Judge Agata: No, we just arrived ourselves.

Judge Tatsumi: Did you get enough rest yesterday?

Judge Agata: Well, yes.

Judge Tatsumi: I was so excited I didn't sleep a wink!

Judge Tatsumi: To think high school clubs would display such high level!

Judge Tatsumi: And today Ichiei, the best in the nation, will play. I truly can not wait.

Judge Kurokawa: Certainly, they have won for 5 consecutive years.

Judge Tatsumi: Exactly! That is amazing---

Judge Kurokawa: Then again, Ichiei's members are all children who aim to become professionals, so it's to be expected that they are at a completely different level.

Judge Tatsumi: You may be right about that but... Yesterday's Meiryo and Chibana's performances were perfect

Judge Tatsumi: I can't imagine what could possibly surpass that.

Page 3

Judge Tatsumi: ---Also, there is one school that has picked my interest.

Judge Kurokawa: !

Judge Kurokawa: Aah, you mean that problematic school...

Judge Kurokawa: They are out of the question, I would say.

Judge Kurowaka: How could they cause such a commotion and not get suspended?

Judge Tatsumi: They did explain to us that the students weren't really at fault for the incident.

Judge Kurokawa: Where there is smoke, there is fire. It's detrimental to the other students as well.

Judge Kurokawa: At least we, the judges, should give a proper and fair evaluation---

Judge Agata: Are you not planning to judge them solely based on their performance?

Judge Kurokawa: Eh...?

Page 4

Judge Agata: Excuse me but, it sounded to me like you are planning on lowering your rating over areas irrelevant to the performance, so…

Judge Kurokawa: ...I'm sorry you see it that way. To begin with, I don't believe you can separate the performance from the performer.

Judge Kurokawa: For instruments and music... Attitude. Courtesy, Respect... I believe those things are included in the performance.

Judge Kurokawa: And I will most definitely consider them in my judgment.

Judge Kurokawa: --Well, I don't know if you would understand this, Agata-sensei, since you are a musician who always does new things, like collaborating with other genres and using unusual performance methods without respecting the traditions.

Page 5

Judge Agata: I have never disrespected tradition.

Judge Arata: I am trying to explore all of its possibilities while cherishing it.

Judge Tatsumi: Now, now.

Judge Tatsumi [thoughts]: Man... These two are a pain in the ass as per usual...

Judge Tatsumi [thoughts]: ---Then again, the school in question... I feel sorry for the Tokise kids.

Judge Tatsumi[thoughts]: Even in the unlikely event that they make it to the top

Judge Tatsumi [thoughts]: I can clearly see the bashing we would receive from other schools and their parents.

Judge Tatsumi [thoughts]: I want to avoid that kind of hassle.

Page 6

Judge Tatsumi [thoughts]: But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be conscience-stricken if I lowered my ranking because of that.

Judge Tatsumi [thoughts]: At the end of the day

Judge Tatsumi [thoughts]: It will be fine as long as Tokise's performance is not that good.

Judge Nanba: Good morning---

Judge Tatsumi: Nanba-sensei, Iwagaki-san, good morning.

Judge Tatsumi [thoughts]: --My... to think I could be so calculating and cowardly.

Judge Tatsumi [thoughts]: I think I have become one boring adult.

Page 7

Isaki [thoughts]: I was a bit late to leave. I wonder if I can still ambush Takaoka-kun.

Isaki [thoughts]: Also, I wonder if Uzuki will be waiting for me

Isaki [thoughts]: If not… well, that's the path he chose for himself.

???: Isaki.

Page 8

Isaki: Eh?

Tetsuki: ...

Tetsuki: ...Whatever, I've already gotten used to it. This pattern.

Tetsuki: Alright, fine. I will get in.

Page 9

Isaki: ...Takaoka-kun, sorry.

Tetsuki: Eh?

Isaki: For every time I've taken you forcibly on a drive, I have not once felt an ounce of regret about it. If anything I enjoyed seeing how much you hated it.

Tetsuki: What?

Isaki: But today

Isaki: I regret it from the bottom of my heart. I'm very sorry.

Tetsuki: What's with that, suddenly? I'm scared now.

Isaki: Well, first off, get in.

Tetsuki: I reaally don't want to...

Isaki: Just do it

Tetsuki: Whaa---...

Page 10

*No text*

TL/N: Welcome to spooky season.

Page 11

Tetsuki: ----... Uh... umm...

Tetsuki [thoughts]: Don't... tell me

Tetsuki [sfx]: Turns

Isaki: Yup, as expected you are quick on the uptake.

Isaki: -----

Page 12

Isaki: That's Chika's father.

Chika(?): No joke, the air is so crisp and clear the moment you arrive at the venue!

Mittsu(?): It feels like something is about to happen

Satowa(?): Aren't there more people than yesterday?

Chika(?): Ah, you are right.

Suzuka: Well, it's Ichiei's, the Nation's number one, turn. Also--

Page 13

Student 1: Aren't those the Tokise people?

Student 2: Woah, they are.

Student 3: They do kinda stick out like a sore thumb...

Student 4: They really came...

Sane: Ri... right...

Suspicious men: Did you take it?

Chika: !

Satowa: Kudou?

Tsukaji: Hello, you guys!

Tsukaji: How are you feeling?

Page 14

Chika: Old man!

Tsukaji: Did you get proper sleep yesterday?

Chika: Ye- yeah

Suspicious guy 1: Who's that dude. Get outta the way---

Komaki: Whaaat---

Komaki: Are these Peeping Toms what I'm seeing here? Oh gosh, scaaryy-

Tsurugi: Security, over here--!

Suspicious guy 1: Shut up. What the hell!

Suspicious guy 2: Hey, let's just go.

Tsurugi: What? You shut up!!

Tsurugi: Are you ok?

Suzuka: I'm sorry. Thank you very much.

Student 1: Even voyeurs.

Student 2: Well, isn't this their own fault?

Page 15

Student 3: Isn't it because Tokise has come that people with no civility have gathered here?

Student 4: This is really bothersome.

Tsukaji: Ugh---

Chika: Old ma...

Sane: It's all good, Tsukaji-san.

Sane: I don't mean to brag here, but we are used to playing in hostile fields

Page 16

Mittsu: You really are bragging---

Satowa: Well, we have certainly got used to it.

Satowa: To people (audibly) talking behind our backs and being looked at with disdain.

Takezou [thoughts]: They really do have thick skin... Should I be happy about that...?

Hiro: Hozuki-chan is growing so fast.

Takezou [thoughts]: Ah but, what about the first years---

Atsumu: I used to get bullied! The fact that you guys are with me now makes me feel so at ease!

Natsu: I don't care about other people.

Takezou [thoughts]: Aah, so strong.

Sane: Wahaha we know, Momoya.

Page 17

Sane: Well, that's how it is. So you don't have to---

Tsukaji: I'm so touched...

Sane: Whaat--...?

Tetsuki [thoughts]: ...Isaki-san.

Isaki [thoughts]: ...Yes.

Page 18

Tetsuki [thoughts]: What is this ride from hell?

Isaki [thoughts]: Sorry. I'm really sorry...

Isaki [thoughts]: My brother didn't even contact me, he just suddenly appeared...!!

[flashback begins]

Chika's Father: ---Isaki

Isaki: Eh?

Isaki: Wai- what!? Bro- brother!?

Isaki: Wha- no way. Why are you here!? Don't tell me you came to listen to the performance!?

Page 19

Chika's Father: ...

Isaki: Ah, no.

Isaki: Sorry, I totally thought you were not coming. You gave me a start.

Chika's Father: I'm going back.

Isaki: What!?

Isaki: Now, wait a second. Why are you so bent out of shape over this? Didn't it take a lot of determination to come here!?

Isaki: And didn't you come all the way to where I'm staying hoping I could give you some room with Chika!?

Page 20

Chika's Father: ...I haven't really thought about something like that.

Chika's Father: I don't want to see him.

Isaki: ...Then why did you come all they way to this place.

Chika's Father: ...

Chika's Father: ... ....

Isaki [sfx]: Pissed

Isaki: Whatever, I gotta go pick those two up. For the time being, just get in the car, Brother!!

[end flashback]

Isaki[thoughts]: Maybe I was too reckless---

Page 21

Isaki [thoguths]: No, but if I let him like that, I'm sure Brother would've gone back...

Isaki [thoughts]: Even so, this atmosphere is so heavy---

Tetsuki: Um.

Tetsuki: Is today perhaps... your day off from work?

Isaki [thougths]: Takaoka-kun...

Chika's Father: No...

Tetsuki: Ah, that means you took a vacation day to come here, then.

Chika's Father [sfx]: Glare...

Tetsuki [thoughts]: Woah

Isaki: Hold on!! You drop that rude attitude towards Takaoka-kun right now, you stupid brother.

Chika's Father: !

Page 22

Isaki: He has always been beside Chika supporting him, and the reason he is able to smile now is because of Takaoka-kun!

Isaki: Instead of glaring at him shouldn't you be thanking him?

Chika's Father: ...I ...See.

Chika's Father: ... ... Sorry...

Tetsuki: Ah, not at all...

Isaki[thoughts]: A man who won't say"Thank you"...

Page 23

Chika's Father: ...Are you also his... friend?

Tetsuki & Isaki: !!

Uzuki: ...No. I'm...

Uzuki: The person who vandalized Chika's Granpa's place and then framed Chika as the culprit.

Tetsuki & Isaki [thoguths]: Geh....!!!!

Page 24

Chika's Father: Wha...

Uzuki: Also, recently, to make Chika look bad, I edited a video where he was helping out a kid from being harassed, posted it on social media, and it became trending.

Tetsuki: He- Hey, Uzuki Are you serious...

Chika's Father: ..Wha

Chika's Father: What... Are you saying...?

Chika's Father: You mean that incident, it wasn't the guys he hung out with---

Isaki: I don't know how many times I've told you, Chika had nothing to do with it.

Chika's Father: But... The fact that he was the cause of it is true, isn't it!?

Isaki: ...Trying to become happy... He grabbed onto Dad's hand, that's all.

Chika's Father: Hu...

Page 25

Uzuki: Fu ...If you had really looked at Chika.

Uzuki: You would have easily known that.

Isaki: Uzuki-kuuun?? You are right, but that is not something you should be saying, is it?

Isaki: You have no right to reproach my brother.

Page 26

Uzuki: ... I'm sorry...

Tetsuki [thoughts]: ...What is this ride from hell... (Second time)

Isaki [thoghts]: I promise I will invite you to eat expensive meat.

[flashback]

Chika's Father: You are a disgrace!!

Chika's Father: In your 3rd year of middle school, and you can't tell the difference between what is right and what is wrong to do!?

Isaki: Wait, Brother! Stop it, we are in front of Dad.

Chika's Father: You stay out of it!

Chika's Father: What's with those eyes. If you have an excuse, then say it

Chika: ...Nah, not really.

Page 27

Chika's Father: What did you say?

Chika: Whatever, I don't care.

Chika [memory]: Dad

Chika [memory]: Dad

Chika[distorted]: D a d...

Page 28

Chika: I don't give a shit about what you think about me anymore.

Chika [memory]: I'm sorry for being born.

[end flashback]

Page 29

Chika's Dad [thoughts]: Even if there is a person right next to me who framed my son for a crime.

Chika's Dad [thoughts]: Even if that person spits sarcasm at me.

Page 30

Chika's Dad [thoughts]: The right to be angry about such a thing.

Chika's Dad [thoughts]: I don't have it.

Sane: I'm glad we can sit together.

Kota: Riight?---

Page 31

Takezou's Mom: Takezou! Takezou!

Takezou: Ah

Chika: Your mom and dad?

Takezou: Yeah...

Chika: Wahaha You look just like your mom!!

Page 32

Assistant: Ichiei High School, you have 10 minutes before leaving.

Kifune-sensei: Yes, thank you. Ok, guys, let's get ready to leave---...

Page 33

Kifune-sensei: Mi...

Luka: Miran, it's time.

Page 34

Akira: If I remember correctly, Ichiei was playing 4th, right?

Suzuka: Yes.

Akira: Um... Did you notice? Ichiei's parts. Before, they---...

Suzuka: Aah, yes.

Program:

Solo - Luka Chevalier

1st Koto - Hoshou Sao

2nd Koto: Hanahata Imari

3rd Koto: Saotome Miran

17-Stringed Koto: Takamura Togo

Suzuka: Apparently, they have no intention of giving up first place this year either.

Side Text: The new interpretation of [Tomfoolery] that Luka and Miran's exchange has sparked is---...

---Kono Oto Tomare! will continue on the next issue!---

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

So, to follow up on this post that I just made that details my thoughts on the Taskmaster s18 lineup: Jack Dee, Rosie Jones, Emma Sidi, and Babatunde Aléshé...

I’m totally kidding! Obviously I’m totally kidding. Obviously. Obviously I was kidding in that entire post, suggesting that I give one fuck who those other four people are. It doesn't matter! Obviously in reality, seats 2-5 of Taskmaster s18 could be filled by Leo Kearse, Jim Davidson, Jordan Peterson, and Suella Braverman, and I’d still consider this to be a fantastic lineup.

Okay. Finally, after several weeks of losing my God damn mind, sitting on the spoilers and being good about not mentioning it (mostly…), I can say this. Finally.

Let’s talk Zaltzman.

First of all, let me set the scene. I've just finished my work for the day. I'm waiting in the break room while my co-worker files her stuff so we can close up the building together. I check my phone, because it's Taskmaster lineup spoiler day, and I've been waiting on confirmation.

I read the words and drop my phone in amazement, scrambling to catch it before it hits the ground. I look again, trying to make 100% sure I am reading this right, because I refuse to get my hopes up that high just to be disappointed. No, it says what I thought it said. I jump up, bang my fist against my chest and then into the air and then back again, mutter “fuck yes fucking right holy fuck” under my breath repeatedly, and then look around and am pleased to see my co-worker has not come into the room. And then I’m not allowed to post about it for several fucking weeks.

Andy was top of my wishlist. Possibly the number one person on it even if I could have literally anyone, including the people who definitely wouldn’t do it. He was definitely the number one person on my Taskmaster wishlist, out of the people who would possibly ever do it. But I wasn’t sure he belonged on that second list. Every time I’ve posted about a Taskmaster wishlist in the last couple of years, I’ve said of course Andy Zaltzman’s number one, but I know it won’t happen.

I know Taskmaster casts people who aren't already TV famous, but they're usually young. Taskmaster casts older people who are well established in a TV career, and young up-and-comers. Not people who turn 50 this year and did an episode of 8 Out of 10 Cats one time in 2008.

I mean, Andy Zaltzman isn’t completely obscure. It’s now been several years since he took over as host of The News Quiz, which I think is Radio 4’s flagship comedy program. The Bugle has been going for nearly 17 years and is quite successful. It’s not fair to imply that 2008 was his last TV credit; he was on Alternative Comedy Experience in 2013, where he had some chats with Stewart Lee that are among the most socially awkward things I’ve ever seen in my life. Sometimes they let him on TV in Australia. He did Matt Forde’s TV thing a few times. He does actually have a very successful career as a cricket statistician/commentator. He wrote for Bremner, Bird and Fortune in 2006. He’s doing fine. He's doing absolutely fine.

And he has an impressive stand-up career. He's done tours in the States, off the back of The Bugle's international success. He's performed in Asia off the back of his cricket commentating popularity. He's sold out big rooms to hordes of Bugle fans.

Taskmaster has cast lots of people who were less famous at the time of casting than Andy Zaltzman is now. They're just not usually Andy Zaltzman's age. But it doesn't matter, he's there now. So let me tell you about this man.

Andrew Zechariah Zaltzman was born on October 6, 1974. He grew up in Tumbridge Wells, Kent, a place he has described as so right-wing that they think you're a bit of a leftie if you only cast one Tory vote per general election. Raised by his father Zechariah "Zack" Zaltzman, who was a sculptor and a Lithuanian lapsed Jew who grew up in South Africa. Along with his sister Helen and brother Rick. I don't know his mother's name and it's probably fine to keep it that way, as I'm pretty sure Andy Zaltzman attracts a lot of fans like me, who have my combination of information-gathering autism and a good memory, that means I did not have to do any Googling to write that paragraph. I could have included the name of his school without Googling just because I've read his Wikipedia page so much, but I'll refrain from doing that.

To be fair, it's not some obscure piece of trivia to know his sister's name, because Helen Zaltzman is one of the only people in Britain who's had a podcast for longer than Andy. Podcasting was quite new when The Bugle started, but Helen started her podcast Answer Me This just before it. Helen Zaltzman's not technically a comedian, but she's quite comedy-adjacent, her podcasts are funny and she's been in plays at the Edinburgh Festival. Hangs out with comedians. Was friends with Josie Long at Oxford, so that's pretty cool. Used to be flatmates with comedy flatshare expert Matthew Crosby. Did an episode of ComComPod.

Anyway, after being raised with a future comedy-adjacent podcaster, Andy went to study Classics at Oxford University, where he also worked for the sports page of the student newspaper. It was here that he discovered his love of made-up bullshit, as he once wrote an entirely fictitious article about a game that never happened. When told they couldn't print it because it was libellous, Andy tried to argue that he hadn't libelled anyone because none of the people he wrote about in that article exist. Andy Zaltzman swears that story is true, and I think it probably is.

Andy Zaltzman did one stand-up gig at university that went very badly, then didn't do any stand-up for a bit, and then eventually did some more gigs that went less badly. Ended up in the finals of So You Think You’re Funny in 1999, where he lost to David O’Doherty (other finalists included Jimmy Carr, Russell Howard, and Josie Long, the latter of whom beat David O’Doherty in the BBC New Comedy Awards in the same year, a year of traded victories that they still amusingly and adorably reference on social media sometimes).

Andy Zaltzman got in with Avalon management, and in 2000, he went back to Edinburgh as part of The Comedy Zone. Also in 2000, he supported Stewart Lee on a stand-up tour around the UK. A lot of the venues were not told that there would be a support act and couldn’t fit him in at the last minute, so essentially, it was less like doing tour support and more like Andy just followed Stewart Lee around the country for a few weeks. Stewart Lee got so exhausted by the effort of trying to hang out with someone as socially awkward as Andy Zaltzman that he quit stand-up for several years (that’s a joke, but he did actually quit – eventually going back to stand-up but never back to his agency – because he got frustrated with Avalon on that tour, largely because they kept doing things like failing to tell venues that he was bringing a support act). In 2005, Stewart Lee returned to stand-up, and shared a flat at the Edinburgh Festival with Andy Zaltzman that year. Across the next 15 years, Stewart Lee took several opportunities to marvel at how it was possible for one person to watch as much sport as Andy Zaltzman did, when on tour and in Edinburgh flats.

In 2001, Andy did his first full-length Edinburgh show, called Andy Zaltzman Versus the Dog of Doom, which got nominated for the Perrier Newcomer Award. It was mainly a solo show, and billed as a solo show, but it featured a few bits with a man he'd met on the stand-up circuit named John Oliver, who was performing in The Comedy Zone. In 2002, Andy went back to Edinburgh with a show called Andy Zaltzman Unveils the 2002 Catapult of Truth, which also featured bits of John Oliver. John did his debut solo hour that year as well, a show that Chortle’s Steve Bennett called “a fairly pointless concept, which is then tiresomely illustrated”. Clearly, John made the correct choice in deciding that in future years, he’d stick to the stuff with Zaltzman.

In 2003, Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver began writing more comedy together, and were both specifically interested in political comedy. They found this could be difficult on mixed bill gigs where the audience hadn’t come for political comedy, and wouldn’t take well to all the dating and travel mishap stories being interrupted by satire on the colonial immigration process. So they started a comedy night in London called Political Animal, where they would co-host with their own jointly-written political jokes, introducing other comedians who would do exclusively political material. This allowed them to perform to audiences who would get what they were expecting, and it led to them being chased off stage less often (okay, their stories about those years of terrible gigs only include one where they got literally chased off stage). Comedians who performed at Political Animal included Robert Newman, Al Murray, Stewart Lee, Jeremy Hardy, Daniel Kitson, Chris Addison, Frankie Boyle, Andrew Maxwell, Will Hodgson, and don’t worry about the other name on the list from which I've copied this (it was one of those Russells they have now, and by far the worst of the three, despite the other two’s flaws).

On these early Political Animal nights, Zaltzman and Oliver used to do a sketch in which they'd interact with God. If Daniel Kitson was part of the show that night, he'd join them for that sketch and Kitson would play the role of God, which is a little on the nose even for him.

They did Political Animal once a month in London for several years, and also took it to Edinburgh for quite a few years in a row. In 2005, they recorded a pilot for BBC Radio 4, a radio show that would broadcast highlights of each act in a Political Animal night, interspersed with little Zaltzman and Oliver sketches. This got picked up and ran for two seasons, ten episodes in total.

In Edinburgh 2003, Zaltzman and Oliver did Edinburgh and Beyond, a mixed bill with each other and Rob Deering. Some of Andy’s material from that show can be heard in the Radio 4 program 4 at the Fringe. It opens with “Are you all glad to be alive? About half of you. Good. Aren’t festivals fun?” Then he goes into a complex explanation of how King Harold threw the Battle of Hastings and he has proof. This also contains the earliest known recording of Andy Zaltzman's classic joke about how voters' commitment to apathy is a paradox.

Then he says the words: “There are more celebrities now than ever before, in the world. There are also more facts in the world than ever before, and that’s just one of them. There are more celebrities now, and if the current rate of the increase in celebrities now continues, then by the year 2052, celebrities will outnumber ordinary people. And if that continues then by 2142, 99% of the world’s population will be celebrities. At which point the market will implode, and all celebrities will be merged into one giant celebrity, known as God. And the process will start again from scratch. Only this time, God will make the differences between men and women even funnier, and comedians will be the most powerful race on Earth. And after a savage and brutal war between the observationalists and the surrealists, into the power vacuum will come the singing comedians, and the world’s only currency will be amusingly altered pop lyrics. So please, be careful.” And you can begin to see why audiences occasionally chased him off stages. I don’t know what John Oliver was doing with his portion of that shared 2003 bill. Probably some stuff about penguins, given what he was into at the time. He was also very busy ripping cows apart that year. 2003 was a big year for people giving John Oliver large facsimile animals that he did not want and making him deal with them.

In 2004, Zaltzman and Oliver decided to stop messing around with little sketches in each other's shows, and just do the joint stand-up hour that the world had been waiting for. They went to Edinburgh with a show called Zaltzman and Oliver’s Erm... It's About the World... I Think You'd Better Sit Down, which is a hell of a title. They filled in a questionnaire about it for the BBC, which is a lovely little relic. If you want to know what Zaltzman and Oliver were doing during the Edinburgh Festival in 2004:

What will you be doing with the other 23 hrs of the day? JO: I will assign around 8 of those hours for sleep. I'll try and eat three times, spaced out in the time remaining. I will insult my flatmate for a further 3 of those hours. And I will think about sport for the rest of the time. AZ: Table tennis.

(Note: I'm 95% sure the flatmate John Oliver was going to insult for three hours a day is Daniel Kitson.)

They took the show on tour the following year, including performing it one time in 2005 with someone recording the audio. They didn't do anything with that audio until about six years later, when they released it during a filler week for The Bugle. It contains many of their classic joint bits, like the immigration sketch and the state of political discourse sketch.

In 2005, they did another joint Edinburgh show, called John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman Issue a List of Demands and Await Your Response with Interest. Not big fans of titles that fit easily into blurbs. This show unfortunately has been lost to history, or at least, it had better be lost to history, because at this point I will be furious if it turns out Andy Zaltzman has a recording of it somewhere and has been holding out on us all this time (not really, please let me know if you have this, Andy, I would pay you money). Steve Bennett called it: "As a double act [Zaltzman and Oliver] bring out the best of Zaltzman’s towering intellect and Oliver’s  sneery cynicism, feeding off each other’s presence." Which is a pretty solid summary of their double act dynamic in general.

I know there are reviewers besides Steve Bennett, by the way. But Chortle, for all its other admin-related faults, does archive its reviews in a way that makes old ones easy to find, so it tends to be my go-to reference for times like this. I have read other old Zaltzman and Oliver reviews, and a lot of them can be basically summarized as "They have good, intelligent, and funny material, but God, those guys can be really annoying." Brian Logan called them "Better writers than performers", which is maybe technically true but also he can fuck off. We like the socially awkward lack of charisma, okay?

Anyway. Back on topic. While they were establishing their live double act, Zaltzman and Oliver also teamed up with their friend, the excellent comedian Chris Addison, to write a radio show called The Department. This is a fictional show set in a secret government department that secretly runs the entire world, and they spend each episode solving a different problem. It ran on BBC Radio 4 for three seasons and 14 episodes in total, from 2004 to 2006. It featured a bunch of old Zaltzman and Oliver stand-up bits, shoehorned expertly into the mouths of the characters. Zaltzman, Oliver, and Addison co-wrote it and played the three main characters (except Addison didn't write season 3 as he was busy with other projects, but he still did the voice acting), with the other major character being voiced by Matthew Holness, and Lucy Montgomery doing some additional voices (Matthew and Lucy were both in Cambridge Footlights with John Oliver a few years earlier).

They hoped The Department would translate to TV someday, but that didn't happen. Even as late as ten years later, Andy Zaltzman, according to one uncharacteristically vulnerable interview, was still holding out hope that it could someday get picked up as a TV sitcom. John Oliver, on the other hand, said years later that he looked back on The Department as something that wasn't any good. John is, in my accurate opinion, entirely wrong about that. There are some old Zaltzman and Oliver things that I can recognize were objectively not great comedy, I just like them as adorable historical relics. The Department is not like that. I think it was a really, really funny and well written show. It had good characters and dense jokes and I wish it had become more.

These were the glory years of Zaltzman and Oliver. The Department on the radio, joint stand-up shows, hosting mixed bill stuff at Political Animal. But that double act was just a small subset of a larger group called the Chocolate Milk Gang. The Chocolate Milk Gang was an international crime syndicate that sometimes organized soccer matches, to borrow a phrase from John Oliver (John was talking about FIFA when he said it, but it still applies). You can see one of these matches in The Greatest Video on All of YouTube, featuring a lot of comedians who are hard to recognize because it's got about 8 pixels per inch, but you can always pick out Andy with his curly red hair, and John Oliver as the only one wearing long pants instead of shorts. I'm definitely not going to go look at the building where they filmed that video when I go to London this summer. That would be a weird thing to do. I mean I can't confirm whether I'm going to do that, but I will say that one time on his radio show I heard Elis James say Crystal Palace isn't a tourist attraction, and I laughed and said "That's what you think."

Anyway, the Chocolate Milk Gang was actually a bunch of comedians who were all friends in the early 00s, they frequently appeared in each other's stand-up shows (and occasionally radio shows and things like that), told stories about each other on stage, played football on Tuesdays, shared mixed bills, ritualistically sacrificed cows together in the middle of the night, things like that. They got their name because they drank alcohol either not at all or not very much, and after late-night Edinburgh shows they'd go for milkshakes while other comedians were getting drunk, so some of those other comedians started calling them the Chocolate Milk Gang. Glenn Wool has been specifically credited with coining the term, Andrew Maxwell and Jason Byrne were also said to be involved. An absolute cunt who goes by David McSavage was a dick about it. Basically they were a bunch of nerds who got bullied by the Irish and Canadians (not really, they've said they were on friendly terms with those guys and it was friendly banter, except for David McSavage, who is genuinely a cunt). They go by other names sometimes. Stewart Lee apparently used to call them "The Hanging Around Guys".

Further information can be found in the weirdest fucking article I've ever read (on the subject of me knowing about reviewers besides just Steve Bennett - Jay Richardson, what were you fucking talking about?), but basically, they were known for differentiating themselves from a previous generation of showbiz shouty fancy comedians, by doing things like wearing t-shirts and listening to indie music and putting a modicum of creativity into their art and not being alcoholics. Membership lists for the Chocolate Milk Gang changes depending who you ask, but the main people involved, in general, were: Josie Long, John Oliver, Andy Zaltzman, Alun Cochrane, Russell Howard, David O'Doherty, Gavin Osborn, Demitri Martin, Flight of the Conchords. Taika Waititi - Cohen at the time - is sometimes mentioned in that mix. Isy Suttie was definitely around and fit the remit. And Daniel Kitson was their, according to those weird fucking articles about it, king.

To get that list of people, I've taken the name that Glenn Wool invented for people who got milkshakes in Edinburgh, and applied it to a slightly more general concept. Not everyone on that list got milkshakes in Edinburgh in 2002, but most did, and all were part of a larger group of nerds doing comedy who crossed over with each other personally and professionally in that era, which is generally what I mean when I say "Chocolate Milk Gang".

Andy largely ended up in this group because his writing and performing partner, John Oliver, was so close to the ringleader/king Daniel Kitson. John Oliver and Daniel Kitson had repeatedly described each other as best friends. John also brought in Gavin Osborn, his friend from school and/or youth theatre. Gavin was flatmates with John's girlfriend for a time. Basically, John Oliver tied all these people in his life together, and then he fucked off to America, leaving the rest of them behind to keep making stuff with each other. Which they did, but managing it without John in the middle clearly wasn't always their first choice. The number of Chocolate Milk Gang members who have performed art that I have heard on the subject of how it upset them when John Oliver left is... more than three. It's four. I'm thinking of four specific pieces of work right now, though to be fair one of them is just Andy Zaltzman shouting the words "Percy Primetime" at an audience (the others are a song about mix tapes, a show about an apartment that I'm definitely not going to go look at when I fly to London because Crystal Palace isn't a tourist attraction, and a song about a penguin). That's a lot, really. People really, really liked that guy.

Zaltzman and Kitson in particular were a funny combination; whenever they used to end up on stages (or in a radio studio) together, there would be this strong sense of "your best friend is my best friend but God, do we ever have nothing else in common". But they'd give performing together a go, even though Andy Zaltzman is the most socially awkward man in history and has chemistry with no one on Earth except John Oliver. Neither of them seem to "get" the other's comedy in any way, or find much crossover in what they found funny. They shared a flat together in Edinburgh in 2007, where they wrote a sketch for Late 'n' Live in which Andy would pretend to be Daniel Kitson's penis, so that's fun. Andy Zaltzman had a set of about four deliberately bad impressions, which seemed to be the only part of his act that Kitson found funny, but Kitson found them hilarious and made Andy do them every time they performed together.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm trying to tell this story chronologically, and I've moved right past what Andy Zaltzman has referred to as: “The day in June 2006 when [John Oliver] told me he wanted to do the Daily Show job in America instead of going with me to Edinburgh to talk to twenty-five people a day in a darkened room.”

At the time, Zaltzman and Oliver were in the process of writing their third joint stand-up hour, for Edinburgh 2006. This show had already been submitted to the festival, as evidenced by some screenshots of the 2006 Edinburgh program:

The 2006 Edinburgh program also advertised:

And it was the debut year for the Chocolate Milk Gang mixed bill Honourable Men of Art, also already in the program with John's name:

According to Andy Zaltzman, in June 2006, he learned three things very close together, on almost the same day. The first thing he learned is that the BBC had cancelled The Department. This radio show was the only consistent thing Andy had going in his career besides live stand-up. He was counting on The Department getting bigger and maybe picked up for TV, so losing it was a significant blow. The second thing he learned, at almost the same time, was that his wife was carrying their first child. And the third thing he learned was that John Oliver was going to move to America right before their Edinburgh run was set to begin. Andy Zaltzman has described June/July 2006 as not a particularly fun time (John Oliver, on the other hand, has described summer 2006 as the time he lost his radio show and thought his career was fucked, so it's a good thing The Daily Show job came along to save him, because otherwise he'd have ended up stuck in the career path he was on in England, which was terrible, it sure would suck to have to stay on that path).

Andy Zaltzman has even said that if it hadn't been for his marriage and having a kid on the way, he might have moved to New York with John to try to keep performing as a double act, since he didn't have enough of a career in Britain to be worth staying for, and all the success he'd had had come from the Zaltzman and Oliver partnership.

I see why Andy Zaltzman found that partnership and briefly considered whether it might be worth moving across an ocean to preserve it. They worked so well together. They got each other's style of comedy, they were similar enough to fit together but different in the right ways to complement each other. They had incredible chemistry together, of the type that Andy had with, as I've said, no one else in the world. Andy had had to start his own comedy night (Political Animal) just because his style was so offbeat that it didn't fit in on regular mixed bills and it annoyed audiences who hadn't come for that specific niche, and the Zaltzman/Oliver double act saved him from having to sell that niche by himself. He was, as he describes it, not excited to have to go back to doing it alone.

He was also not excited to have to turn their double act Edinburgh show into a solo show at the last minute. But he did it, going to Edinburgh 2006 and performing a show called Andy Zaltzman Detonates 70 Minutes of Unbridled Afternoon ("It's important work Zaltzman is doing, at least compared to most other comics, and deserves to be heard ­ if only he was a bit more fluid in its telling" - Steve Bennett, 2006). I guess it's a better title than Andy Zaltzman Goes By Himself to Edinburgh to Talk to Twenty-Five People a Day in a Darkened Room. In Edinburgh 2006, Andy also hosted Political Animal on his own, and turned up to Honourable Men of Art, where they occasionally had John Oliver via the best live video linkup technology 2006 had to offer.

After this, Andy Zaltzman spent a year performing on his own. In 2007 he performed at MICF for the first time, where one time he stayed up all night in a radio studio with Daniel Kitson, playing BBC sound effects and Boney M songs, and Daniel made him do his Marvin Gaye impression. He also went on the Triple M radio show Get This, and was very socially awkward. Then he won the Piece of Wood Award for having other comics vote his show the best one, so that's cool. Clearly he must have been doing something all right, in a year that he's since described in interviews as very rough overall.

And then he was approached by TimesOnline, a subdivision of The Times, to start a trans-Atlantic podcast. The idea was that John Oliver would go into a studio in New York City, and Andy Zaltzman would go into a studio in London, and they would talk to each other about the week's news, and someone would produce and edit it, and that would be a newfangled thing called a podcast. Like the thing that Andy's sister Helen had just started doing. Andy Zaltzman said yes because, in his words, he had "Jack K. Shit" else going on and it was a chance to reunite the double act that had been working for him. John Oliver said yes because, in his words, it is a treat to get to listen to Andy Zaltzman talk for an hour a week. I think John meant it when he said that, because John Oliver had a very good and very busy job as a writer and correspondent on The Daily Show at the time, in addition to a stand-up career in the States and an increasing schedule of events with major American comics, so it's not like he took the Bugle job because he needed the money or the profile boost. I think he really did consider it a treat to listen to Andy Zaltzman talk for an hour a week. And what a treat that is.

They set up a format in which they'd talk on the phone for a bit earlier in the week, to establish a list of topical subjects to cover. Then they'd go away and each write their own material on those subjects. Then on Fridays, they'd connect from their separate studios and discuss the subjects with their material ready. The best bits made it into their respective stand-up shows.

From the beginning, they both contributed a lot to the podcast, but Andy drove the dialogue and tended to come a little more prepared, as is reasonable, given that John Oliver had other shit going on. The Bugle ran in its original form from October 2007 to March 2016, and in that time, Andy Zaltzman turned over an incredible amount of material. It is honestly amazing how much new stuff he came up with every week. Yeah, he had some ideas and concepts that he re-used, and yeah, not 100% of it was solid gold. But a lot of it was very funny. Funny, dense comedy that was new every single week.

Andy Zaltzman is the most creative comedian I've ever heard. I mean, obviously I guess that depends on your definition of "creative", I've seen some comedy shows where it's so creative that I have no idea what's going on (these are called "clowning"). But within the parametres of just writing straightforward stand-up material, I have never heard anything as creative as Andy Zaltzman. He hits a topic from so many directions that no one else would think of. He reaches for absurd comparisons, turns of phrase that make me run back the recording because I could never catch all the meanings at once, five or six different jokes embedded into one sentence. The number of obscure references to history and/or sport and/or Greek mythology (he didn't study Classics for nothing) he can get into any paragraph is blinding. He's fucking amazing.

More than that, The Bugle with Zaltzman and Oliver was an amazing piece of media. It is incredible how they blended interactivity with tightly written material. Comedians riffing with each other is fun because it feels real and immediate and unrehearsed. Carefully written stuff is good because writing something with care gives comedians the time to make it funnier. The Bugle was Zaltzman and Oliver taking their jokes that they'd crafted to be as funny as possible, and using them as the basis for otherwise spontaneous interaction, so they got the best of both worlds. And it worked, every time, because they have the best chemistry I've ever heard in all of comedy. They were like athletes who could always tell where the other was going to end up, they could take their bit and make sure it would land in just the right spot to work with what the other person would have. Even though they didn't know exactly what the other person had, because they didn't write it together. But they knew each other so well that they could anticipate. It's amazing. It's a fucking amazing feat of comedy and it should be in some sort of hall of fame.

In 2008, Andy Zaltzman wrote a book. It's called Does Anything Eat Bankers? and it's a collection of absurd comedy mini-essays about the credit crunch. It's the most 2008 thing I've ever read. It made me laugh out loud a lot. It's available on eBay for insultingly cheap prices and is an excellent summary of Zaltzman's offbeat sense of humour.

From 2007-2014, Andy Zaltzman hosted Political Animal in Edinburgh every year. Usually on his own, though in 2011, John Oliver flew to Edinburgh and they did a few reunion Political Animal gigs, featuring Daniel Kitson reprising his role as God in their God sketch. Andy also kept up his Chocolate Milk Gang membership over those years, doing the Honourable Men of Art gig when it came back in 2008, appearing at some Kitson-compered Late 'n' Lives in the 00s, and at some Kitson-compered Chocolate Milk Gang reunion shows in later years (ZOCK, Fuckstorm 3000, Fuckstorm 3001). Andy did the impressions when Kitson told him to, even though by then he'd long dropped them from his regular act. Andy also performed new Edinburgh solo shows nearly every year from 2007 to 2019 (missing 2009, 2012, and 2015), usually with long convoluted titles in the style of Zaltzman and Oliver ("Life is convoluted, my comedy merely reflects that" - Andy Zaltzman).

In 2014, Andy started doing Satirist For Hire, a show he continued touring off and and on until 2022, in addition to his regular stand-up shows. In Satirist For Hire, the audience could write in with the date they were attending and a subject for Andy to satirize, and the show would consist of him satirizing audience-requested topics. It wasn't improv or anything, he'd get the topics in advance and write stuff about them, new stuff for every show. Which sounds like a ridiculous amount of work, but he was already doing that kind of thing for The Bugle, writing new stuff constantly. Some of these got recorded and released on filler weeks of The Bugle. Topics he got asked to satirize included all 721 Pokemon by name, the autumn equinox, the rebellion in Syria, and his own mother-in-law. He released a DVD of Satirist For Hire that was filmed in 2014, in which he performed the bespoke satire as well a "best of" his other old and new jokes, including some stuff that dates back to the Zaltzman and Oliver catalogue of the early 00s. It also has a DVD extra that's Andy just telling a weird story with no punchline, it's really annoyingly rambling and pointless, even for him. It's great.

During the original run of The Bugle, there were a lot of jokes in which John would tell a star-studded story about his life with celebrities in New York City, and Andy would say he'd had a good pastrami sandwich that week. There were slightly less funny parts at the end of the episodes, in which John would plug some big American event he was doing, and Andy would make a vague plea about small-time stand-up gigs that he couldn't sell. As The Bugle went on, Andy started doing slightly bigger stand-up gigs and sounding slightly less concerned about lack of tickets sold (due to him building up an audience of Bugle fans), though it still didn't look great when put next to John Oliver's projects.

Alongside this, Andy Zaltzman started getting jobs in the world of cricket as well. He was a massive, utterly obsessed cricket fan, made a lot of cricket references in his stand-up and on The Bugle, and at some point some people took notice and started inviting him to do cricket things. Spots on sports shows in which he'd analyze cricket. Cricket commentary. Collation of cricket stats. After several years of this, he started getting to travel for it, announcing on The Bugle that he'd be doing stand-up gigs in Bangladesh because he was going there anyway to attend cricket games and be paid to commentate on them. He doesn't have personal social media, but he does have a Twitter account that Tweets nothing but obscure cricket stats that he has personally worked out. What a weird guy, spending all his own time gathering information about one niche subject and then collating all the stuff from various sources and posting his findings on the internet. Nerd. You wouldn't catch me doing that.

Off the success of The Bugle, he started getting some other stuff. He was a regular host for a while on the Radio 4 panel show called 7 Day Sunday, where he worked with Chris Addison and Al Murray and Rebecca Front, I have frustratingly never been able to find episodes of that show. He got a Radio 4 mini-series called Andy Zaltzman’s History of the Third Millenium, which I have also never been able to find. He started appearing as a guest on The News Quiz somewhat regularly. He did that one episode of 8 Out of 10 Cats one time, and it was very awkward. Stewart Lee put him on Alternative Comedy Experience.

In 2008, John Oliver released a stand-up DVD called Terrifying Times. Andy flew to New York to appear in the recording of it. He came on stage a couple of times, for a few minutes each time, interacting with John so they could include some of their joint sketch material in the DVD. There's also a DVD extra that's a conversation between Zaltzman and Oliver, which is hilarious.

In 2012, Andy Zaltzman again went to New York, to perform some stand-up on John Oliver's New York Stand Up Show (along with Chocolate Milk Gang's David O'Doherty), a confusingly titled American television program with various comedians doing short sets compered by John Oliver. After years of relentlessly making fun of John on The Bugle for how he started saying "gotten" once he'd been in America for a bit, Andy got on American TV and immediately said the word "sports", which was adorable. He tried to fit in. It didn't really work and the crowd didn't know what to make of him, but he tried.

In the original run of The Bugle, Andy Zaltzman really honed his trademark style. It was marked by absurd analogies that treat any of the following like each other: sports, politics, Greek mythology, religion, current events, and occasionally a movie or something. He started doing "pun runs", where he'd spend several minutes doing one coherent monologue in which he'd make as many puns as possible themed around a single subject, usually while John Oliver screamed in agony in the background (you'd think it would stop being funny but it didn't, at one point he started using a little bell to mark each pun). Jokes with footnotes. Jokes where the joke is that the story is pointless. Everything he said carefully and tightly wrapped in at least 18 layers of irony. A running joke in which he'd introduce each Bugle episode by discussing something obscure that had happened in history on the day they were recording. So many cricket and snooker references.

An audio cryptic crossword that ran for the first thirty or so Bugle episodes, in which he'd read out a clue every week, but the clue wasn't to anything that made sense, it was just to some shit he'd made up in his head, and he never released a visual to accompany it. Yet it did work, some people at home actually solved it all and wrote it all out and it all fit together perfectly (that is how you do a crossword, Pemberton).

Massive truckloads of absurdity dumped with increasing urgency all over current events, as though he thought he could bury the dark realities under it. Zaltzman and Oliver's name for this absurdity was "bullshit"; it used to be a running joke that they'd advertise The Bugle by promising it would be completely free of facts, providing the best bullshit you've ever heard. Long, intricate bullshit that all ties together and keeps going just when you think there can't be any more to this story that Andy has entirely made up. Like the athletes he wrote about at university, no one can sue him for libel because they don't actually exist.

One time their producer Chris Skinner accused them of having an especially sweary Bugle, so far containing "twelve fucks and one cunt", and Andy said that's the Jewish view of the New Testament, and they (rightly) talked for like three years about how good a joke that was to come up with off the cuff. Andy's lapsed Jewish-ness is also a frequent topic of his jokes, usually how incredibly lapsed he is, being a massive fan of bacon sandwiches and one time his sister gave him an entire dead pig as a Christmas gift, a story that made it into a Daniel Kitson stand-up show as well as a lot of Bugle jokes about how in most cases that would be a hate crime.

There were also jokes throughout that Bugle run about John Oliver's increasingly high-profile career; Andy gave him the nickname Johnny Showbiz and cheerfully kept telling stories of pastrami sandwiches after John's stories about meeting Samuel L Jackson or whatever. I first listened to The Bugle a few months after I listened to the old Russell Howard/Jon Richardson BBC 6 Music shows, and those were basically an audio documentary of a friendship slowly cracking apart due to one party's jealousy of the other's increasing success (I mean, there were other issues too), so I found The Bugle an odd contrast at first. Because Andy made those jokes, but it sounded like there was absolutely no genuine jealousy behind them. If anything it went the other way, he seemed to vaguely pity John's weird hectic life, and John seemed to generally agree that this was too much celebrity and Andy was better off in his shed. I started wondering: how is Andy this okay with the disparity? Is he hiding the jealousy really well or is he made of stone?

A while into my the first listen-through of The Bugle, after wondering this for a few weeks, I came to the conclusion that the reason Andy Zaltzman sounded unbothered by John Oliver meeting Samuel L Jackson is that Andy Zaltzman truly, deep down to his core, did not want to meet Samuel L Jackson. That man was not impressed by anything in the world that's not a cricket stat or a bad pun, and he entirely meant it when he mercilessly mocked John for the embarrassing transgression of winning an Emmy. That wasn't masked bitterness, he just thought winning an Emmy was genuinely embarrassing. And John Oliver, once again, seemed to basically agree.

In 2011, there was the News of the World scandal, owned by News International, owned by The Times, which owned The Times of London, which owned TimeOnline, which funded The Bugle. Andy and John decided to really go after everyone behind the phone hacking scandal, for several weeks in a row. They didn't just talk about the shit journalists, they went for the entire system of tabloid press and its collusion with government, the people at the top of the both sides of that, everything that allowed this to happen. While doing this, they had a running joke in which they'd tap their mic and ask "Is this on?", implying that their overlords at The Times would cut their mic in retaliation for talking shit about Rupert Murdoch. Then The New York Times wrote an article about what they'd been doing, and they started to sound slightly more genuinely worried that this might get them in trouble.

A couple of months later, for what both sides called unrelated reasons, TimesOnline fired John and Andy, pulling The Bugle's funding. In a Bugle episode in December 2011, they said this might be their last one, they were scrambling to find alternative funding sources but might have to just end the podcast. The tone in that episode made the discrepancies in their careers clear. John repeatedly emphasized how much he loved The Bugle and everything they'd built together, and how he'd like to save it. While Andy had a lot more genuine desperation in his voice as he again used the term "Jack K. Shit" to describe what else he had going on in his career, he actually needed to #SaveTheBugle. You can see that as well in how careful they both were. John and Andy both said they were dropped for apolitical reasons, just lack of funding. But John messed around a bit and implied that this may not be the whole truth, while Andy sounded less willing to possibly get them in more trouble. Years later, in a 2023 episode of the rebooted Bugle, the subject of The Times came up, and Andy offhandedly mentioned that The Bugle used to be funded by The Times, until they were dropped "suspiciously shortly after" they made a bunch of Rupert Murdoch jokes. This was the first time Andy had acknowledged a possible connection, and I liked that, like a sign that he'd finally achieved enough success independently so he could afford to talk like that a bit too.

I made a compilation of this situation a couple of years ago. Most of the Bugle bits in it are John Oliver's lines, because the compilation was meant to contrast John Oliver's running joke on Last Week Tonight where he'd talk shit about HBO's parent company AT&T, referring to them as "business daddy" and gloating about how he could do that without getting in trouble, with the time in 2011 when he went on The Bugle and talked shit about their business daddy and did in fact get in trouble. Andy had a lot of good jokes about Rupert Murdoch and The Times during those episodes, they mostly aren't in this compilation because they weren't as relevant to the Bugle-LWT John Oliver Versus Business Daddy narrative, but the compilation still tells the story. Also I illustrated it with a bunch of amusing old Zaltzman and Oliver pictures.

In early 2012, they came back and announced that they had managed to sell enough listener subscriptions to keep The Bugle going independently. The Bugle continues to run that way to this day, free to listen to but funded by optional listener subscriptions, no ads (aside from a short time in 2018 when they partnered with Radiotopia and Andy had to read out those mattress ads and stuff, and you could hear his soul sinking into the floor, luckily that didn't last long), just because they created a product that's good enough to be worth its audience paying for. It also gets funded by merch sales and things. They have hats and socks.

The Bugle ran for a couple more glorious years as an independent podcast fronted by Zaltzman and Oliver. Then in summer 2013, Jon Stewart went away to film a movie and John Oliver filled in as a guest host for The Daily Show. John Oliver would do a fantastic job fronting America's flagship topical comedy show all week, and then come on The Bugle on Friday and lament how badly it was going and how he couldn't wait to get back to the sidelines where he belonged. But after that, as he'd proven his abilities as a host, HBO offered John Oliver his own weekly show. In December 2013, John Oliver proceeded to have a breakdown, but still left The Daily Show to start Last Week Tonight.

As shown in the compilation I've just linked, which is entitled Johnny Showbiz Gets His Own Show and Has a Breakdown, they promised at the time that this would absolutely not affect The Bugle. They promised! Repeatedly. I mean, they sounded at the time like they were trying to convince themselves and each other as much as the listeners, but still, they promised.

They mostly kept that promise for about a year, taking a few more breaks than usual throughout 2014 to accommodate John's busier schedule, but I don't think The Bugle declined in quality when it did go out. And given how few weeks off they'd had since October 2007, even The Bugle with extra breaks was still a hell of a lot of comedy material for them to turn over. They took a break for the whole summer in 2014, their first time taking more than a couple of weeks off in a row, but came back with a great run of episodes in the fall.

Andy did mention to Stuart Goldsmith, in a 2014 interview, that he was hoping he might be able to be involved with Last Week Tonight in some way, at some point. It's not clear whether he ever mentioned this to John Oliver. Seems like the sort of thing he should have maybe mentioned to John Oliver, instead of saving it for an uncharacteristically vulnerable podcast interview. But maybe he did ask John Oliver for that and it just didn't work out. He doesn't say. It certainly didn't end up happening.

Then, throughout 2015, The Bugle died a slow and incredibly painful death. They kept doing filler episodes, in which Andy would explain that John was busy, but promise he'd be back next week. Then, often, nothing, not even a filler episode, for weeks. Before 2015, they always put out an episode every week, usually a new episode, but if they didn't have one, there would be filler: an outtakes show or a best-of show or some recordings of stand-up or something. One time the producer Chris Skinner strung together a whole filler episode by doing things like interviewing their friend Alun Cochrane (back when Alun Cochrane was cool, Alun Cochrane is now no longer cool). But in 2015, they began to hit the limit on the number of weeks in a row when they could do filler episodes, so they started just putting out fuck all.

John Oliver did turn up for Bugle episodes occasionally in 2015, but when he did, he sounded increasingly distracted and like his heart wasn't in it. Which is fair enough, because we now know that he spent 2015 trying to write and present a research-intensive weekly HBO show, as well as caring for his wife while she had a high-risk pregnancy. It's as good an excuse as I've ever heard to not be able to talk shit about Bashar al-Assad or the band LMFAO with Andy Zaltzman every week (also, you have to give John Oliver credit for the fact that he did The Bugle very well for years despite never actually needing it, and was just in it for the love of the game). But he probably should have just said that, rather than clearly telling Andy all the time that he'd be back soon, which we know he was doing because Andy sounded like he believed it when he relayed that message to the listeners, and then it kept not happening.

To be fair, Andy also should have called time on the podcast way earlier - at the very least announcing an extended break, if not just acknowledging that it's not going to work anymore and ending it. Instead, Andy kept coming back to introduce filler episodes and promise us John would be back soon. And every once in a while he'd do a frustrated new episode with a checked-out John Oliver. I listened to the worst of this period of The Bugle within a couple of days, and that was rough, hearing it all at once like that. Had me yelling at my phone, "Oh my God, stop it! Just put it out of its fucking misery! This is an ex-podcast! Stop nailing it to a perch and trying to sell it back to us!"

Andy mentioned the "Jack K. Shit else going on" thing a couple of times as a reason for why he kept trying, but I don't even think that was true anymore. He had a big stand-up audience garnered by the success of The Bugle. He had his cricket career. He had regular radio work. He didn't have some big TV career or anything, but he had enough to be getting on with. Enough so he did not have to be as desperate as he got about trying to keep a podcast going when it was clearly over.

I think he was scared to try to do his comedy career without basing it around bouncing stuff off John Oliver. As his comedy career did have a history of spectacularly not working when he wasn't working with John.

Throughout 2015, Andy's increasing frustration could be heard in his voice during intros for the podcast filler episodes, and in the recordings of his 2015 stand-up that got released as said filler. He developed a joke in which he'd ask the audience who's heard of John Oliver, find the one or two people who said no, and shout, "Fuck you Percy Primetime, everyone in this room has heard of me!" "Percy Primetime" was a nickname spat with quite a bit less affection than the old "Johnny Showbiz". For the record I don't think they had a real falling out or anything, but there was some genuine bitterness there for the first time after all those years of fame disparity, it finally became clear that Andy Zaltzman's not actually made of stone.

In early 2016, The Bugle came back with one full episode that was actually very good, John and Andy were both really into it. John Oliver apologized for the many jokes he'd made in previous years about how funny it would be if Donald Trump ran for president, and they announced that The Bugle would be continuing for the forseeable future, just going once a month instead of once a week, so they could stop with the filler stuff and be more realistic about what was possible around new schedules. Then two months later, they came back and admitted this was not, in fact, realistic, and John was leaving The Bugle. Andy announced his plan to reboot the podcast in the fall, with John Oliver replaced by a rotating series of co-hosts from around the world. Andy sounded fairly terrified of this prospect.

The last episode of the John Oliver-era Bugle was number 295, and for reasons that Andy Zaltzman finds funny, he made the first episode of the new era episode 4001. This came out on October 24, 2016, and featured Hari Kondabolu as the guest co-host. Hari's a New York comedian whom I assume was recommended by John Oliver, as I can't imagine how else he and Andy would have crossed paths, and they sure didn't sound like two people who had ever encountered each other before. It was fucking awkward. It didn't help that it was a couple of months before the Donald Trump election, so a pretty intense time to try to just jump back into topical comedy with a "get to know the rebooted podcast" episode.

Basically, if Andy Zaltzman feared that his offbeat niche humour would not work without the one comedian in the world who was tailor-made to fit into it... those fears were not alleviated in that first episode. Hari Kondabolu is awesome, he has since become one of my favourite Bugle guests and I've gotten into his own stand-up, but that first time, he had no fucking idea what to make of Andy, and not much of an idea of what he'd signed up for with The Bugle. Andy had no idea how to talk to anyone in the world who isn't John Oliver. It was weird.

Episode 4002 featured Nish Kumar, who came in and immediately shouted "Fuck you Chris!", which was a running joke from the John Oliver-era Bugle (referring to producer Chris Skinner, John and Andy and the listeners would affectionately say "fuck you" to Chris a lot for reasons that made sense at the time), an instant way to assure the audience that he knew exactly what he'd signed up for. Nish had been listening to The Bugle since it started when he was still doing student comedy, and as far as I can tell, he'd pretty much climbed the ranks of the comedy industry in the hopes of someday getting to touch the garment of his heroes Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver (he might have had one or two reasons besides that, but it was mainly that one). And he got his wish. He's now the second most frequent co-host of the Bugle 4000-series (after Alice Fraser), and one time he got to play football with John Oliver and they got into fights on the pitch.

The Bugle continued on shaky ground for the first 25 episodes or so, really for the first 50. Andy has said since that he knows those episodes were rough, that he'd got so comfortable in his familiar rapport with John Oliver that he just couldn't generate the same thing with people he didn't know as well, and he didn't know anyone as well as John. Though it clearly wasn't just about who he knew as well as John, but who he could comfortably work with as well as John (which was no one). Helen Zaltzman came on a few of those early episodes, and she was a fantastic guest, really funny and took Andy to task and held her own on every subject, but it is incredible how little chemistry Andy Zaltzman managed to have with his own sister. He brought in Anuvab Pal, a comedian from Mumbai whom Andy knew from his time covering cricket over there, they were friends in real life, but they often sounded like they'd never met before. The only person Andy sounded like he knew how to talk to at all was Nish, whom he'd known for a few years through stand-up by the time the Bugle 4000-series started. The Nish Kumar episodes were the best ones, especially early on, but it wasn't anywhere near the levels of Zaltzman and Oliver chemistry.

Andy has said in interviews since that he was struggling during that time, and that started occasionally making its way into the Bugle content, which previously had rarely been particularly personal. At the end of 2016, Andy Zaltzman did a year-in-review stand-up show (something he did every year for a while, a whole stand-up show written to only be performed one time to mark the end of the year), and (on the subject of reviewers who aren't Steve Bennett), Dominic Maxwell in The Times (fuck off, Times) wrote a review in which he called Andy "John Oliver's left-behind sidekick". Andy brought that up on The Bugle several times, citing the "sidekick" line with real bitterness, and rightly so. Partly because he has never been anyone's sidekick (except maybe Daniel Kitson's once in a while at old Late 'n' Live gigs), and partly because that was a solo stand-up show that was not affiliated with The Bugle and definitely had nothing to do with John Oliver, so he shouldn't have been put in John Oliver's shadow in a context like that. It was actually a 4-star review, Maxwell liked the show. But the review's first paragraph was:

Why has John Oliver become a star in America while his old partner in seemingly shambolic yet secretly serrated political satire, Andy Zaltzman, remains a cult comedian with a sideline as a cricket stats man? Is it because Zaltzman, with his receded Harpo Marx explosion of hair, is less telegenic than Oliver, with whom he co-hosted the podcast The Bugle until last year? Is it because, although he is every bit as grounded in reality as Oliver, Zaltzman is a more devotedly loopy joke-writer, so that he always adds his own twist of wry absurdism to our leaders’ already skewed logic?

Starting a four-star review with that is one hell of a backhanded compliment, no matter how positive you go on to be about the show itself. I assume that review was the main one - probably among plenty of other reviews that had built up Andy's resentment over time, but that Maxwell one was clearly the straw that broke his back - that led Andy to record this "interview with himself" to put in the "in the bin" section at the beginning of a Bugle episode in early 2017.

So the stone was starting to show serious cracks at that point. At one point in 2017, Andy plugged his upcoming run at MICF, saying it would be good to perform in Australia because his career could "flush down the toilet in the other direction" for a bit. Nish Kumar laughed way too hard at that, I remember saying to my phone, "Nish, stop! Can't you see he's having a breakdown? Stop laughing at that and give the man a hug!"

It was hard to listen to the most stoically-dedicated-to-irony-and-bullshit man I'd ever heard have a breakdown, but things eventually got steadier. Andy did some episodes from MCIF in Melbourne, and on Bugle episode 4023, in April 2017, he brought in Australian comedians Tom Ballard and Alice Fraser. Tom and Alice both became Bugle regulars, but Alice especially started doing it all the time. Alice, like Nish, told stories of how she'd been a dedicated listener to the original run of The Bugle since before she'd started stand-up, and you can see Andy's influence on her comedic style (you can see it in Nish's too - John and Andy both influencing Nish a lot, while Alice is a lot more like Andy than she is like John).

The inclusion of Alice Fraser changed the game for the rebooted Bugle, as she quickly became a very frequent presence, and Andy developed as good a rapport with her as he could have with almost anyone. There are some sweet moments in her early episodes when Alice would pull out some Zaltzman-esque puns or absurd analogies, and Andy would sound genuinely touched that someone else was into his weird niche humour. He immediately started including her in some bit parts of his stand-up shows too, whenever he was in Australia or she was in England.

The Bugle also got better once they started doing two guests at a time instead of just one. Andy has said since that at some point he realized he and John Oliver had good enough chemistry to carry an entire episode, but he couldn't manage that with anyone else. However, he could do it if there were three people, so the guests could interact with each other too, and the three different types of interactions could get them through the 40-45 minutes more easily. They also started doing Bugle live shows, which went well, got toured in England and even in America.

Since then, The Bugle has grown into a thing that is new and very different from its original form, but also very good. As of May 2024 they've just hit episode 4304, having recently passed the 295 episodes that Andy did with John Oliver. Its format has changed. People still turn up with pre-written stuff, but it's not the same perfectly choreographed/somehow improvised dance of tightly written material that it used to be. It's got a wider range of guests, more diverse topics, fewer insular in-jokes. Some other format changes too, like dropping the listener correspondence. But a lot of the guest co-hosts breathe new life into it, bring different perspectives and styles of humour, contribute more than the original version with only two people ever could. It's introduced me to lots of great comedians from various countries (well, mainly Britain and America and Australia, but a couple from India, a couple from Ireland, one I really like from NZ), I've gotten into a lot of people's stand-up because I liked them on The Bugle. They've also created spinoff podcasts, like The Gargle, hosted by Alice Fraser.

The Bugle 4000 has brought in a bunch of comedians from the younger generation, but also let Andy bring in some old friends. David O'Doherty and Josie Long of the Chocolate Milk Gang have done it a few times, they make top quality episodes. Mark Steel's been on a bunch of times, who used to do the earliest days of Political Animal and of course is a king of Radio 4 along with Andy. Mark and Andy are great together, you can hear how much they enjoy each other's company, to the point where part of me dreads the day when Andy decides to be nice to his buddy Mark and let Mark bring his son to work. I don't think they'd do that though, The Bugle has standards. No Elliot Steel, please.

A big highlight of Andy bringing back old friends is Chris Addison, who worked on The Department back in 2004-06. Addison stopped doing stand-up years ago as he got a bigger career in acting and directing and things like that, and he's said he loves doing The Bugle because it gives him a chance to write comedy material the way he doesn't anymore. And because it's the only time he does that, he's not throwing his scraps at a topical podcast while spreading ideas across multiple platforms. He's coming up with solid gold, and letting The Bugle have all of it. Every time he comes on, he does his homework so well beforehand that the other comedians, including Andy, have to raise their game to keep up.

As for Zaltzman himself, he had some shaky times for his comedy material in those early reboot days. He started seeming burned out from writing so much without getting anywhere, and was re-using a lot of concepts for a while. It wasn't bad, but he did stop innovating for a while after John Oliver disappeared. The absurd scenarios in his monologues got a bit by-the-numbers.

However, as The Bugle found its feet in the new era, Andy broke through that and started writing better than ever before. He, as they say in sports and video games, jumped levels. Suddenly came out of a plateau and immediately jumped to a much higher spot than one would expect, like the slow and steady escalation of talent suddenly caught up to him all at once. Like magic. That is one of my favourite things about sports, when an athlete suddenly jumps levels, like magic. Andy jumped levels a couple of times in the late 2010s, and it was so cool to listen to. A big part of it was the way he'd tie together lots of ideas at once instead of hitting them one at a time, the way he'd make connections that turned his monologues into more than the sum of their parts.

He really, really hit a stride in 2019, as the world went to shit around him, and he started incorporating a bit more genuine emotion than he ever had before. So many emotions, all of them various flavours of searing fury at the state of the government. At first the bits of emotion were added unexpectedly, like he was experimenting with it, but then he learned how to blend it seamlessly into his previous knack for absurd ironic bullshit, it was amazing and I think he was growing into one of the best comic writers there is.

I sort of have a theory about that, which unfortunately gets me into a sports analogy so I hope I can be indulged in that briefly. As a coach, I am very familiar with the phenomenon where two athletes work with almost no one but each other for years. In some ways it makes them much better than they could be otherwise, because they're constantly being challenged by someone who knows their style inside and out, so they have to constantly evolve in order to stay ahead of the other person figuring out how to counter what they do, pushing each other to higher levels of the sport. But in other ways, they often end up with big holes in their game, because they never learn to respond to anything their main training partner doesn't do.

I think that may have slightly happened with Zaltzman and Oliver. And more to Zaltzman than to Oliver, because John was doing all kinds of other things, writing for The Daily Show with lots of people who weren't Andy Zaltzman. While the main thing Andy did was write for The Bugle. Even in his solo stand-up career, most of his shows were the best bits of what he came up with for The Bugle, so they were still written first for the purpose of bouncing off John Oliver.

So much of the beauty in the original Bugle was the way John and Andy found each other so funny, they were writing to make each other laugh. But this meant Andy Zaltzman was restricted to material that would fit his established role in a double act. The role of being the intellectual one who comes at things sideways while John tackles them head-on. That role did not leave him space to experiment with things like genuine emotion, even in spots where that could make a routine stronger. I can think of a few Zaltzman routines from 2019 that wouldn't have worked on the original Bugle, not because they wouldn't make John Oliver laugh, but because they wouldn't really have complemented John's stuff in the right way. The original Bugle had a perfect balance of comedic styles, which was what made it great, but you can't go throwing curve balls at a balance.

So my theory is that, once Andy got away from being restricted to the perfectly chosen double act role, and he then got over his slump from when he was upset about losing the double act/possibly worried he couldn't do it on his own, he had a couple of levels that were ready to be jumped. The Bugle released a bunch of the recording from Andy Zaltzman's year-in-review stand-up show from the end of 2019, and it's incredible. The "best of" from an absolutely stellar Bugle year, taking the strongest bits from all those weeks he'd spent writing, and tying them around some structure. It's one of the best fucking things I've ever heard. Andy Zaltzman does everything at once in it.

In 2019, Miles Jupp left The News Quiz, a major topical comedy panel show on Radio 4 (I'm pretty sure it's the major comedy show on Radio 4). Angela Barnes, Nish Kumar, and Andy Zaltzman - three of The News Quiz's most frequent guests at the time - each spent some time guest hosting it, as they applied for the role of permanent host. Andy got the job. He mentioned this on The Bugle during the week before his first episodes of The News Quiz as permanent host, and did it with his usual flair for self-promotion, which is almost none, he just said it's happening. Fortunately Nish Kumar was on that Bugle episode with him, and Nish insisted on interrupting Andy to tell the listeners what a big deal The News Quiz is, that Andy won't brag about it but he got a huge job on a flagship show after years and years of smaller spots on radio shows and earning his place there, and it's really cool. It was adorable to hear Nish hyping up Andy for getting a job for which (Nish didn't mention this part) Nish Kumar had also applied.

In October 2022, John Oliver came back for a special Bugle 15th birthday episode, just him and Andy for half an hour, and it made me have to pull my hat down on the bus so people couldn't see that I had tears in my eyes from laughter (honestly, I should have anticipated that and not listened to it on the bus). It had been years since they'd worked together, and they mentioned during that episode that they hadn't seen each other in years and hadn't even had much contact since the end of The Bugle, but somehow they fell right back into the perfect rhythm. It's nice to know the magic's still there, even if they're not using it anymore.

So that pretty much brings you up to speed with where Andy Zaltzman's at now. For the last few years, his career has been hosting The Bugle in its expanded form that includes live shows sometimes, hosting The News Quiz, collating cricket stats and still doing lots of cricket-related work. He hasn't done a new Edinburgh hour since 2019, but he toured Satirist For Hire in 2022. He definitely can't describe his career with the term "Jack K. Shit going on" anymore.

Quick question, just asking for a friend - how many thousand words do you have to write before something goes from being "quite long for a Tumblr post" to "quite short for a biographical book"?

In fall 2023, Andy Zaltzman mentioned that he "might" have some new stand-up to announce soon. That surprised me, because to be honest, between The News Quiz and The Bugle and the cricket, he's fucking busy these days, and he must be making enough money to not need stand-up. He turns 50 this October. He's been slowing down the stand-up over the last few years, after about twenty years of doing it constantly. I thought he might be winding down that side of his career.

But suddenly, he's mentioning possible new stand-up in 2024. He mentioned it briefly in the fall and then didn't bring it up for so long that I started to think he must have changed his mind about it. But then, in spring 2024, he suddenly started talking about live gigs again. He booked some WIPs in May and June and plugged them on The Bugle. He slowly, with his usual level of self-promotional skills, barely admitted to the fact that he has a whole stand-up tour planned for November 2024. "November 2024?" I thought. "That seems odd. Andy rarely plans so far ahead, he's usually scrambling to plug gigs he forgot he has next week. And now, when I'd thought he might be leaving stand-up behind, he's planning an entire tour many months in advance. Why did he suddenly decide to do a whole big stand-up tour again, and once he did decide that, why did he plan it for so late in the year? I mean, I'm not complaining. More Zaltzman stand-up is great! But it's a break from his usual pattern."

That is what I thought, to myself, as I listened to his updates on The Bugle. And then I sat in the break room at work and I refreshed a page and saw the Taskmaster season 18 lineup and I jumped into the air and all became clear. He's capitalizing. Andy "No Commercial Promotion Skills Whatsoever" Zaltzman is going to capitalize on his fall 2024 Taskmaster bump in popularity by following it up with a tour. I'm so fucking pleased for him.

Guys. It's going to be so good. He's so good, you're all going to love him, I promise. Do you know what it will do to Taskmaster to have someone who can run circles around Alex Horne in the field of analyzing everything via obscure statistics? He's going to make Alex look like an amateur. He's going to have an explanation for every single thing that happens and none of the explanations will be rooted in any kind of reality but they will all make internal sense.

Oh God, people are going to have to talk about him. It is so funny to listen to people try to work out what to make of Andy Zaltzman, particularly if they're not in Andy's carefully curated niche of people whom he's decided he can manage to talk to. Ed Gamble is going to talk about Andy Zaltzman. 17 years after sharing a stage with Andy at Late 'n' Live where Andy declared Marek Larwood the most fuckable member of We Are Klang (he was incorrect, but not for the reasons Tumblr thinks, I would like to immediately apologize for saying that), Greg Davies will have to judge whatever absurd bullshit comes out of Andy's brain. There will be so many cricket references.

Have I mentioned that a cornerstone of Andy Zaltzman's comedy is turning everything into a sport? That's part of his absurd analogies, he analyzes everything as though it's sports. And I love people who analyze Taskmaster as though it's sports. Andy Zaltzman is going to go on Taskmaster and treat it like sports. Oh it's going to be so much fun!

I cannot wait. I cannot fucking wait. I've just realized he's going to have to plug Taskmaster on The Bugle. That'll be weird. Who's on TV now, Johnny Showbiz? I mean, still John, still very much John Oliver, but Andy as well now! You did it, Andy! It only took 17 years!

[sihtricfedaraaahvicius]

Chapter 3.

Note: follow up to chapter 2.

Warnings: fluff! mention of smoking, hints of anxiety and feeling lonely.

pairing: Modern!Sihtric x you (f)

summary: You met up with Sihtric for the afterparty, and you got all stuck in your own head.

wordcount: 3,4k

Masterlist

'I only have eyes for you, trust me.'

During the days that led up to the last show of their tour, you and Sihtric stayed in touch, like you had done ever since you met again, almost two weeks ago. 

The afterparty you had been invited to would probably last til about 5 in the morning, Sihtric told you, and you just hoped you could make it through the night, until you could catch the first train back home in the morning. Sihtric said you could bring your friend, Gisela, to the afterparty too. But to her horror, she wasn't in the country that day, and had no way of going with you. And so you had to go alone while she was devastated. Not that you minded going alone, you were confident enough by yourself, but you could've used some support while facing the man of your dreams again. 

And naturally, your hands were shaking when you walked out of the train station, late at night, while messaging Sihtric that you were on your way to the venue.

You: I'm almost there…

Sihtric: can't wait x I'm having a smoke outside at the backstage entrance. You remember where it is?

You: yeah you only told me like 10 times x

You chuckled when you read his reply.

Sihtric: alright alright, just checking, lady ;)

Whilst shaking in your black platform boots, you walked through an almost empty street, adjusting your outfit; simple black skinny jeans and a black tank top, while a green and black coloured flannel kept you warm as you roamed the street on this chilly night.

Apart from a few fans, the street where the venue was located was rather quiet. You made your way around the corner, to the backstage entrance, and right away you saw Sihtric; looking down at his phone, taking a long drag from his cigarette while he leaned back against the door. His recently washed hair was tied back in a bun, and he still had that well kept goatee you loved so much, the sight of it shot a pleasant heat through your entire body. He was wearing a plain black shirt and black, slim fitting cargo sweatpants, which were, as per usual, tucked into his Doctor Martens boots. When Sihtric looked up and exhaled the smoke he had just inhaled, his eyes immediately found you, and a beaming smile appeared on his face. He flicked his cigarette away and walked up to you. A chuckle escaped him as he bit down on his lip, and he immediately pulled you in for a hug once you were in arms reach. Without thinking, you automatically wrapped your arms around his neck as he leaned in, and he snuck his arms around your waist, underneath your flannel. He quickly kissed your cheek and held you tightly pressed against his muscular chest, wrapped in his strong arms.

'Hey, baby girl,' Sihtric spoke softly in your ear, 'it's so good to see you again.'

'Hey,' your giggle sounded muffled against his chest, 'it's good to see you too.'

'How are you? How was your day?' he asked while pulling away, keeping his arms circled around your waist.

'Tired,' you pouted, 'work was rough. But happy to be here of course. Happy to see you.'

'Yeah? Awh,' he smiled sweetly, 'glad you made it, love,' he said, looking you up and down.

'But how are you? How was the show?' you asked while Sihtric was quick to reach for a pack of gum in his pocket.

'All good,' Sihtric said, chewing the mint flavoured gum while his hands lightly stroked your sides, 'everything went pretty smooth. This tour was just a bit of warm up, really. But that's all I can tell you for now,' he winked with a cheeky grin.

You stared into each other's eyes for a moment, then Sihtric chuckled again and hummed softly, bringing one hand up to cup your cheek, leaning in closer.

'You look beautiful,' he said, drawing his lower lip between his teeth as he gave you a cheeky half-smile.

'You're looking handsome yourself,' you smiled, hands placed on his broad chest as he just wouldn't let go of you.

Sihtric thanked you and leaned in even closer, his lips brushing lightly over yours while you both smiled. Tingles spread through your entire body as his warm hand held your cheek, and his hot, minty smelling breath tickled your lips. You were absolutely oblivious to your surroundings, completely captivated by his eyes, his touch, his smile and his pleasant smell. And just when you thought he was going to kiss you, Sihtric suddenly pulled away with a deep sigh. You snapped out of your dazed state and then realised a few young fans had recognised the bass player who had his arms around you, and they were trying to gather the courage to walk up to him. Sihtric had noticed them already while he was waiting for you, but thought the teenagers wouldn't gather the courage anyway. He desperately wanted to kiss you as soon as he saw you, but he knew better than to kiss someone out in the open, as a sneakily taken video was only two screen taps away, and he didn't want to cause you any more trouble than he had already done when he decided to follow your instagram. And just when he was barely able to resist you anymore, his lips touching yours while you closed your eyes, anticipating him, he glanced towards the young fans and saw they hesitantly walked over from across the street.

Sihtric wasn't an asshole, but he also wasn't in the mood to pay attention to anyone that wasn't you right now. He just desperately wanted to kiss you, or at least have you completely alone for a minute or two. So he pulled his backstage pass out of his pocket, swiftly scanned it to unlock the door which he then held open for you, and he quickly followed you into the dimly lit, empty hallway. Sihtric closed the door while you turned to face him, not knowing where to go as the venue was completely strange to you. But instead of guiding the way, he pulled you close again and took your face in his rough yet gentle hands, leaning in while he towered over you, and he pressed his warm lips onto yours, softly, as if asking permission for more. And when you finally grasped what was happening, you managed to kiss him back, your hands finding their way to his waist. 

You couldn't actually believe you were kissing the guy you had a crush on ever since you first met him, all those years ago, so without thinking, or really having any other option, you surrendered to him entirely. And when Sihtric broke the soft kiss which had turned firm, you almost whined at the loss, but his lips didn't stray far, in fact, they were still touching yours lightly as he spoke.

'You mind a little tongue?' he whispered, smiling against your lips.

'I don't mind,' you breathed, and a nervous giggle slipped out, to your embarrassment.

Sihtric chuckled and stepped back, took out the gum he was chewing on and threw it in a trash can. And before you knew it, his rough hands gently took your face again, and he kissed you tenderly once more, then slowly made you part your lips along with his. He carefully explored your lips with his tongue for a moment, before he hummed as if satisfied, and eagerly deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue into your mouth with ease, desperately wanting to feel and taste all of you as much as he could. You felt his hand move up to the back of your neck while his other hand trailed down to your waist, and your hands were simply still frozen on his waist, but your fingers had intensely curled around his shirt. You were lightheaded, filled with lust and nerves at the same time. The feeling of kissing Sihtric was overwhelming, yet it was also a feeling you never wanted to lose, a feeling you would forever want to chase. And when you both needed air, you unwillingly broke the kiss at the same time, breathing heavy onto each other's lips while refusing to pull away further.

'You good with this, hm?' Sihtric breathed, his hoarse voice tensing up your lower abdomen instantly.

'Y-yeah,' you sighed, then buried your face in his chest as you couldn't stop yourself from giggling like a teenager.

You felt Sihtric's hand on the back of your head, gently keeping you pressed against his chest and he lightly swayed his body while holding you, understanding you needed a moment. When you softly hummed, he took your chin and guided your lips back to his, as he leaned back against the door. You have no idea how long you kissed there, right at the entrance, but it didn't feel as if you got enough of him once he pulled away.

'I think we should head to the party,' Sihtric chuckled, 'or I'll get shit for not showing up.'

He looked down at you and slowly traced your lips with his rough thumb. 'Stay by my side?' he asked, almost pleading.

'Well, yeah,' you chuckled, 'I'm here because of you. I don't know anyone else here, really.'

'Good,' Sihtric smiled, 'then I won't have to worry that you wander off.' He grinned.

'As if,' you rolled your eyes and smiled, 'but, eh, can I put my flannel somewhere? It's quite warm here already.'

'Yeah, of course,' he said, 'anything valuable in there? Because then you should just put it in my dressing room. I don't know most of the people at these parties either, I keep my stuff away from the party really.'

'Oh, yeah, okay,' you nodded, 'my keys and such are in there so, yeah.'

Sihtric took your hand and led you down some stairs, to his dressing room. He took your flannel off your shoulders, threw it on the couch, and deliberately brushed his hands over your bare arms as he ushered you out of the room again. Then he wrapped his arm around your waist and finally led the way to the afterparty, which was at the end of the hallway you had shared your first kiss at. He walked you down some other stairs and opened the door to a large, dimly lit room. The room was quite warm and busy, the music loud, but not painfully loud, and you were immediately greeted by a faint smell of weed as you walked in. 

Sihtric offered you a drink and you nervously sipped from your glass once he handed it to you. You could feel his eyes on you when you scanned the room, spotting the other band members, who were all each surrounded by at least a dozen girls, and you grimaced but then snorted.

'Yeah, don't ask,' Sihtric's lips grazed your ear as he spoke to you, and his arm found its way back around your waist again, 'they always got a bunch of ladies hanging around them. They love it.'

'And you?' you asked, still needing the reassurance you weren't going to be replaced as soon as some other lady walked up to him.

Sihtric shook his head and leaned in again.

'I only have eyes for you, trust me,' he smiled when he looked down at you, squeezing your shoulder.

You felt flattered and completely flushed. Slowly but surely everything was dawning on you. Where you were and with who you were, and you decided to try and just let it all happen. You desperately tried to get out of your own head while Sihtric kept hugging you and stole kisses whenever he could. And he murmured in your ear when he wasn't pecking your cheek or nuzzling your neck.

'I'm so glad you're here,' he murmured, 'haven't been able to stop thinking about you since we met last time. Can't get you out of my head.' 

But it all suddenly became overwhelming when a few girls walked up to Sihtric. He wanted to ignore them, but knew it would be rude of him to do so, and then reluctantly took his eyes off you. You took a step back, but Sihtric kept his arm around you.

'Will you sign my boobs?' one of the fans asked with a grin.

You wondered what Sihtric would do, and within a split second you imagined how you would feel if he would say yes. Would you be okay with that? Not really… but, you had no right to complain either. You weren't dating. You don't even know if you could consider yourself friends. What exactly were you to him, you suddenly wondered, and it only made you feel more overwhelmed and insecure. And you suddenly felt going to the party might have been a mistake, you would probably get your silly little heart broken by this guy.

'Nah,' Sihtric replied to the fan, 'but I'll sign your arm or shirt, if you want?' 

The small group of girls eagerly accepted his offer. Sihtric looked at you, conflicted, and brought his lips to your ear again.

'One sec, okay?' he said, 'I'm sorry, I'd rather have you all alone now, instead of all this.'

Sihtric grabbed a marker of the table next to you and pulled off its cap with his teeth, not wanting to let go of you, and he carefully, but quickly signed all their shirts. Apparently there was a rule to not ask for any pictures at the party so, after his signature, the fans politely thanked him. They tried to flirt with him for a moment, completely ignoring your presence next to him, but when it became clear to them that Sihtric wasn't interested, the girls turned to the other members.

In the meantime you felt rather dizzy. You were tired and overwhelmed, and in truth, all you wanted was to go home, get in bed, and sleep. Maybe even cry, actually. And Sihtric suddenly saw your teared up eyes and blank expression when he brought his eyes back on you.

'Hey,' he said, concerned, pulling you closer and towards an empty corner, 'what's wrong? You okay, babe?'

'Yeah, I'm just… tired, I guess,' you said, 'I feel a little dizzy. I think I need some air.' 

You swallowed hard and stepped away, pushing to open the heavy door, and Sihtric was fast to help you as you struggled. Without asking, or saying another word, he took your hand and walked you out of the crowded, warm and loud room, into the cool air of the dimly lit hallway. You inhaled deeply and exhaled sharply, eyes closed as you leaned back against the wall, which felt cold against your back. A welcoming feeling, you thought. Sihtric towered over you as he placed one hand on the wall right next to your shoulder, and he carefully took your chin with his fingertips.

'What happened, love?' he asked, a worried look painted his face.

'I think I'm just tired and overwhelmed. I'm really sorry,' you said quietly.

'There's nothing to say sorry for,' Sihtric smiled softly and caressed your cheek with his thumb, 'come,' he guided you with him, back to his dressing room, where he sat you down and handed you a bottle of water.

He sat down next to you on the black, leather couch, his arm around you as it rested on the couch's pillows, and he scooted closer.

'Can I get you something? Anything? Some food maybe?' Sihtric asked, his voice calm and low, 'or do you wish to go home, love?'

'No, thank you,' you smiled weakly, 'sorry if I ruined your night. You can go back, I'll… find my way out,' you shrugged, 'I can call a friend who lives here, it's no problem.'

'I don't know what you're talking about,' he said, carefully monitoring you, 'if anything,' he chuckled, 'I'm glad I had a valid reason to leave that party. But if you think I'm letting you head out on the streets on your own right now, you're wrong.'

You smiled at him, simply being speechless because of everything.

'Wait,' Sihtric scoffed, 'you came here by train. What time is your last train even?'

You glanced at the time and saw almost two hours had passed since you arrived in the city.

'Yeah,' you sighed, 'there is no more last train. The next train is in about three hours. I hoped I could linger around at the party long enough to catch that train back home,' you smiled sheepishly.

'At four in the morning?' Sihtric frowned, 'what… why… hold on,' he said, 'you thought you could stay up all night, here, partying, and then take the train back?'

'Yeah, I was a little too enthusiastic, I guess,' you admitted.

'Sweetheart,' Sihtric chuckled, 'you... clearly you won't last another ten minutes here-'

'I know. But like I said, I can call a friend, I'm sure they're still awake. I can grab a cab or something, don't worry about it.'

'Where does your friend live?'

You reluctantly told Sihtric your friend lived at the other side of town, in a rather dodgy neighbourhood.

'Oh, no, absolutely not,' Sihtric said, his voice firm but still polite, 'look,' he exhaled sharply, 'just… just come with me, to my hotel. Stay the night, I'll get you home tomorrow.'

'Sihtric, wh- I mean,' you stammered, 'I- I… I appreciate that, but, I don't know,' you looked down at your feet and mumbled, 'I don't think that's a good idea.'

'What makes you think that?' he asked quietly, studying you as you carefully seemed to pick your next words.

You already embarrassed yourself today, you thought, so you might as well make it worse and ruin whatever it is that you had going with Sihtric. It would be for the best, probably, to just get this over with before you got too attached.

'Look,' you finally spoke up, 'obviously, I like you,' you blurted out, 'but I don't… I don't want to spend a night with you and possibly fall even more for you, only to be just… played.'

'Played?' Sihtric asked and sat back, confused and perhaps even slightly offended, 'you think I'm asking you to come to my room because I want to fuck you?' he stared at you and licked his lips, 'listen,' he leaned in again, 'you think I stayed in touch with you just for laughs? To play you? Really?'

'I don't know,' you said softly, 'I don't even know what this is,' you gestured to him, 'I don't know what you want or expect from me. You seem to like… like flirt with me, invite me here, make out with me and all that, and now you ask me to stay over. But I just…' you threw your hands up.

'No, no, listen to me, babe,' Sihtric cupped your cheek and stared into your eyes, 'this life,' he said, his voice barely louder than a whisper, 'my life, is really fucking lonely.'

He averted his suddenly vulnerable looking eyes.

'It's really hard to make friends or keep the friends I already have. You and I… we just vibe somehow,' he looked back at you with soft eyes. 'I like your company. I like our conversations and I like your energy. I like you,' he smiled sweetly, 'and I'm not simply looking to fuck. I mean, hey, I gladly will, lady,' he chuckled, 'but I just want to get to know you. And clearly, you need to get to know me too. I like you, I really do. But I don't want to rush anything either, so maybe I wasn't direct enough when I invited you here. We can do everything at your pace, I promise. I'm only asking you to come with me because, in truth, it is the safest option for you to spend the night in this town. But also because I just… I feel so… gods, this is so fucking cheesy,' he shook his head, 'but I feel so happy when you're around, or when we just talk, even online. And I'm really sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I'm not looking for a one night stand, I actually thought I made that clear when we messaged, you know?'

You felt so many emotions going through at once, you felt rather lightheaded again. You could only stare up into his eyes while your hands were tightly wrapped around the water bottle.

'I swear I'm not playing you,' Sihtric whispered and cupped both your cheeks, 'I'm really not, baby. I promise I'm not messing with you. And I promise I'm not expecting you to sleep with me anytime soon, if you don't feel comfortable. But just… please, stay with me, baby?' he pleaded, 'just tonight. We're not going to do anything you don't want to do, I promise.'

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[yankstrash]

october 10

the weekend was over

the hockey team has returned from their first game of the season

and they did in fact win.

amelia had texted gabe after the game on saturday

from: amelia

"guess i owe you ice cream."

from: gabe

"yes, you certainly do :)"

from: amelia

"you actually gonna let me pay this time?"

from: gabe

"now, why would i let you do that??"

she rolled her eyes and smiled at his response

she didn't tell him, but she did watch the game.

and she can't even lie, she enjoyed it. a lot.

her eyes were glued to gabe every second he was on the ice

he sure did look good in his hockey uniform.

and to top it off?

before the game she was doing a little stalk through his instagram tags and saw an interview video of him from over the summer

and yeah, he looked GOOD.

it may be hard to believe, but amelia has found gabe attractive since day one

if you thought it was so easy for her to just reject him, wrong.

it wasn't easy, and it got less easy each time she did it.

not only because of his good looks, but because of his charm

and his persistency

and his willingness to come back each time, more determined than the last

she constantly felt her walls coming down each time he asked her out, and she hated it

but now that she's been out with him a few times, she doesn't hate it

she likes it, a lot.

it still scares her, but she has a better feeling about him each time

and honestly, if you asked her right now where her head is at she would say, "i'm not sure, but i do know the third date sounds like the perfect time for a first kiss..."

~

it was sunday night and amelia was at her desk finishing weekend homework

her eyes darted from her notebook to her phone when she heard it ding

from: gabe

"i am back. third date tomorrow?"

amelia grinned at his message

well he didn't waste a second.

from: amelia

"what'd you get back 2 minutes ago?"

from: gabe

"3 minutes actually. so, date night? tomorrow?"

she smiled and texted back

from: amelia

"i get off at 6"

from: gabe

"perfect, i will meet you at the coffee shop"

from: amelia

"okay gabriel"

from: gabe

"okay miss amelia"

~

amelia dressed cuter than normal for work on monday since she and gabe were going out right after she got off

she texted him beforehand to make sure her outfit was in dress code for their evening plans, which she, per usual, had no idea what they were

from: amelia

"is a skirt and sweater dress code approved for tonight?"

from: gabe

"that is perfect."

perfect.

at five minutes to six, she looked up at the sound of the coffee shop door opening

she smiled when she saw gabe walking in

he pointed to a table, signifying that he would wait for her

she finished up her last 5 minutes before grabbing her things and clocking out

gabe stood up when he saw her grabbing her things

"ready?" he asked as she came out from behind the counter

"i am"

gabe opened the coffee shop door for her, letting her go before him

"thank you" she says as they walk out

"so" she begins "where to tonight, gabriel?"

gabe looks down at her hand and catches it mid swing, lacing his fingers through hers

"you hungry?" he asks

she nods her head, "very."

he smiles and nods, "good, let's grab dinner."

they drive into boston and gabe parks near a restaurant

"i hope there's an ice cream shop nearby.." amelia jokes as they walk into the restaurant

gabe laughs, "i'm sure we'll find one so i can buy you some ice cream, miss amelia"

amelia stops walking and turns to gabe with her mouth open

"gabe..." she warns

"sh sh" gabe walks up to her and gently places a hand on her cheek

amelias breath hitches a bit in her throat as her eyes landed on his lips, but very quickly moved up to his eyes

"dinner first." gabe says lowly, smiling

she smiles back and slowly nods her head

"mmhmm" she hums, barely audible

"cmon" he takes his hand off her cheek and grabs her hand "dinner time, m'lady."

~

"i think i am going to explode." amelia says as they exit the restaurant

gabe nods his head in agreement

"walk it off?" gabe asks, holding his hand out to her

she smiles as she looks at his hand and nods her head

"please."

amelia thought they were walking to no destination, but she had an idea gabe knew where he was going when they started walking on a bridge

amelia turned her head and saw an amazing view of the city

with the sun setting in the back

"wow." she said as she walked over to the railing and looked out "this is so nice"

gabe stood next to her, still holding her hand

"isn't it? i love it here. i come here after practice sometimes just to walk and clear my head." gabe says

"does it help?" amelia asks, releasing his hand and turning around so she's leaning against the rails

gabe nods, leaning forward and resting his arms on the rails

"it does. it's peaceful and the view is incredible." he says

"your teammates come with you?" she asks

he shakes his head

"just me."

"hmm" she hums in response

she turns her head to the side, looking at gabe

"so you just take your dates here then?" she jokes with a grin

gabe smiles lightly, but still feels a pang in his chest

he knows she's joking, or at least he hopes she is.

but he wants her to believe he isn't screwing around.

he slowly shakes his head

"only special ones.." he jokes back, easing some of the tension

he lifts himself off his arms, taking a step towards amelia

"only you." he says

amelia looks up at gabe, looking into his eyes

she's unconsciously searching them

for something

anything.

lies

doubt

dishonesty

but she finds nothing.

only him staring back into hers

her bottom lip gets pulled slightly between her teeth as her eyes wander down justtt a tad

she can tell gabe is thinking the same thing, yet he doesn't do anything about it

they stand there for a moment, just looking

neither of them saying anything

they're not sure what to say

she breaks the ice.

"you know," she tilts her head "for a guy who was so eager at first to make a move, doesn't seem like you want to make one now."

gabe laughs lightly at her words

"just don't want to make a move that you don't want me to make." he says

amelia shrugs, "who says i don't want you to?"

gabe purses his lips, inching a little bit closer to her

"only if you want me to.."

she darts her eyes up to his, then down to his lips

they keep dancing back and forth as she lifts her chin a bit

"i want you to." she whispers, bringing a hand up behind his head and pulling him down to her

until their lips are touching

softly

gently

they keep them pressed together for a moment, not moving them

amelia starts to move hers when she feels gabes hands go to her cheeks

she moves the hand that was in his hair to the back of his neck, putting her other hand there too, holding him close

when they break apart, both their eyes remained close for a moment

their foreheads are leaned against each other

gabes hands are still on her cheeks

amelias arms are still around his neck

their eyes finally open, and they look at each other, smiling

"only you, amelia."

~

gabe dropped her off that night, walking her up as always

"y'know.. we never did find the ice cream shop," amelia says, turning to gabe "i still owe you."

"hmm, maybe next time." he shrugs

she shakes her head

"one of these dates... you're going to let me pay."

he chuckles and shakes his head, "doubtful, pretty."

she bites the inside of her cheek, trying to fight back a smile

gabe smiles, taking a step towards her and bringing a hand down around her waist

he slowly leans down and connects their lips, giving her a quick kiss

"hmm," she hums against his lips "that move took longer than expected." she says

gabe chuckles, "what do you mean?!"

amelia shrugs, bringing her arms back up around his neck

"i really thought you'd try that on our first date"

gabes mouth falls open at her confession

"i'm trying to be a gentleman here, miss amelia.. if you couldn't tell."

she chuckles, "oh i can."

he smiles, leaning back in and capturing her lips in another kiss

when they break apart, he smiles against her lips

"goodnight, amelia."

she laughs lightly, taking her forehead off his and looking up at him

"goodnight, gabe."

[artiststarme]

What If Steve Were To Leave Hawkins? Part 11

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10

I'm glad so many people liked the happy part in Chicago! Now, back to the angst. Hope you guys like it, what do you think I should do for the next part?

~*~*~*~

When all of the younger teens of the Party reached the Wheeler’s basement, the space exploded into vengeful bickering. Each of the kids, bar El and Will who were watching the display with gazes of concerned worry, had their own opinion and placed the blame of Eddie and Steve leaving on someone else. Lucas and Max placed the blame on Mike and Dustin, the two that decided Steve needed space in the first place. Mike placed full accountability on Steve, as per usual, for leaving and causing such a fuss. Taking Eddie was just a bonus that exposed Steve further to Mike’s contempt. Meanwhile, Dustin blamed Eddie for driving Steve away and himself for not doing more to keep them both in town. 

He had never felt more panicked and guilt-ridden than he did at this very moment, a feat in itself because he’d been through a lot of shit. But he had now caused both of his older male friends to flee Hawkins and he couldn’t really imagine anything worse. What, was Robin going to leave next? Perhaps Nancy or Jonathon? He thought that this summer would be the best ever. The Upside Down was gone for good, the town had begrudgingly accepted Eddie’s innocence, and the Byerses were back from California. However, this summer sucked and he felt naive for thinking something in his life could go right for once. 

“Shut up, Max! You don’t even know what you’re talking about. You didn’t notice Steve’s car outside your trailer all night, how can we trust you to tell us if Eddie was coerced to get in or not?” Dustin tuned back into the conversation around him when Mike brazenly questioned Max’s credibility. 

Lucas quickly jumped to her defense and pointed a finger in Mike’s face, “Don’t talk to her like that! Why wouldn’t we trust her? She’s the one that saw them in the first place. And Eddie knows Steve, he wouldn’t have to be coerced into his car. They’re friends!”

“Don’t talk for me, Lucas! I can speak for myself,” Max said before turning to Mike. “Listen mouthbreather, I know you have a weird crush slash stalker obsession with him but Eddie chose to leave with Steve. Probably because Toothless over there hurt his feelings by telling him everything he’s ever been afraid of. Nice going, now we lost another friend.”

Will jumped in then with a hand on Mike’s shoulder when he saw the fury ignite in his eyes. “Ok but why are we all freaking out? I thought we were worried about whether Steve was alright or not. We know that he’s fine and Eddie’s with him. Can’t we just wait for them to come back?”

All he received were matching looks of disappointment before Dustin turned to Eleven. “El! Can you go look for them in the void to make sure they’re okay?”

She looked at Will for confirmation and raised an eyebrow, did they actually want her to look for Steve and Eddie? He sighed and nodded in resignation. It seemed that the others were going to keep hunting them down regardless of what they did. They might as well use El’s powers to take a look for safety purposes. She turned back to Dustin and nodded resolutely, “Yes, I can find them.”

Max and Lucas quickly turned the downstairs radio onto static while Mike hunted down an old blindfold. Dustin gently pushed her onto the couch and urged her to rush the process. After a moment of static and mind numbing darkness, El entered the void. She imagined Steve with his mother hen personality and sunflower yellow sweatshirt with Eddie in his black outfits and bitchin’ hair. A picture started to grow in front of her. 

She saw Steve and Eddie in a restaurant, a sports bar or pub it seemed. There was a long bar running along the left side of the building that faced a brick wall lined with booth seating and high top tables. 

“I see them.”

Mike squeezed her hand, “Are they hurt? Is Eddie okay?”

The man in question was scarfing down a Reuben with extra sauerkraut. His jaw practically unhinged as he shoved the huge sandwich, dripping with thousand island dressing and sauerkraut, into his mouth. Steve was watching him in disgusted fondness, pushing him away when he tried to lean closer into Steve’s personal space in an effort to escape the smell of vinegar on Eddie’s breath.

“He is eating a large sandwich.”

Max asked, “Is Steve okay?”

Steve placed his right hand on Eddie’s thigh out of view of the other patrons at the bar. He said something that made Eddie laugh so loudly, a few heads turned to look at the pair. When one woman’s eyes lingered longer than Eddie appreciated, he hissed at her and bared his teeth. The display was less intimidating than he expected due to the pieces of sauerkraut stuck between his teeth but it only made Steve look at him more fondly. 

“They are both happy. Eddie is laughing and Steve is looking at him like Dad looks at Joyce.” Unbeknownst to her, the kids glanced at each other in bewilderment. They would focus on that comparison later.

Moving on, Dustin asked her, “do you see any identifying information? Street signs, landmarks, anything?”

El did in fact see several things. She saw a Blackhawks jersey pinned above Eddie’s head, a team she recognized from watching Hockey with Hopper. And if that didn’t clue her into their location, she also noticed the Chicago flag situated on the wall behind the bar. However, she couldn’t bring herself to tell the others what she had found. Not when she noticed the way Steve was looking at Eddie, like he had finally discovered what happiness was.

“I will not say. They are happy, they do not need us to find them.”

Dustin almost screamed in indignance, “El! They need us and we need them back home! Tell us where they are!”

El took one last glance at the happy couple, Steve’s eyes were full of love while Eddie licked thousand island dressing off of his fingers and stole french fries off of Steve’s plate. They looked happier than she had ever seen them in Hawkins and she knew she could not disturb that. She removed the blindfold with blood dripping from her nose and a soft smile on her face. “They are home, we can not ruin that.” 

Dustin shook his head and jumped up from his spot on the armchair, “I can’t believe you’d be so unhelpful! But fine, I’ll find them without your help.”

He didn’t wait to hear El’s response or the defenses of the other kids made on her behalf. He made his way outside of Mike’s house and turned his bike to the trailer park. Without much of a plan and no idea which words he wanted to say, he knocked on the door of the Munson’s trailer. Dustin wasn’t sure what he was expecting but an annoyed Wayne probably came close. 

“What can I help ya with, kid?” The older man breathed out with irritation coating each syllable. 

“Hi Mr. Munson, I was wondering if you’d heard from Eddie? Max said she saw him leave this morning and I’m worried about him. Is he missing too?”

Wayne just released a bone weary sigh and ran a hand over his face as if Dustin’s questions themselves were aging him. “Look, Eddie went off for a while with that boy Steve. Y’all don’t need to worry about ‘im, there’s no one I would trust more with my boy. Alright? I think they both just need some distance from all of this. You kids, the town. They just want to be left alone for now.”

Dustin’s eyes started to prick as tears began to build. “But please, Mr. Munson-”

“Just go home, kid. They’ll be back when they’re ready. You need a ride back?”

Dustin just shook his head and clambered back onto his bike. He heard Wayne close the door close behind him and let out an angered sound of frustration. He started pedaling as hard as he could with tears now streaming readily down his face. Dustin didn’t know what else he could do. Hopper couldn't find them using police resources, El refused to tell them what she saw, Steve hadn’t called him back since he had missed his first call, and now Wayne was gatekeeping information about their whereabouts. 

The unfairness of it all pushed Dustin to pedal harder. The tears in his eyes clouded his vision but he just pedaled faster. Until his front tire hit a rock and threw him over the handlebars. His palms skid along the harsh cement and his shin split open upon contact with the dingy pedal of his bike. For a moment, Dustin just sat on the ground and sobbed. Usually in this situation, he would go to Steve who would patch him up and feed him dinner, typically in the form of a cheese pizza and Coke. Or Eddie would pick him up on his way home from Family Video visiting Robin and Steve. But, he drove them all away and now all he’s left with is his miserable self and torn skin. 

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20: Epilogue

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[wisssp]

Whistling in the Dark

this is a weasley twins x oc piece, if you don't like it-don't read it(:

female reader; first person pov; slow burn; smut; minors-DNI

wc: 1,535

Chapter 1

whistling in the dark- to make a show of bravery despite one's fears

I don't know much but I do know that the Hogwarts Express is the best place to take a nap. With my head on my sister's shoulder, my eyes roll back and a deep sigh escapes my lips. Peace at last.

That is, until the Weasleys find us.

"Rise 'n' shine, Lady Bird. Our endeavors have only just begun!" George bursts into our car with a grumpy-looking Fred in tow. They shimmy in and I let out a groan, making it clear that I didn't want to move.

"I'm with Lady Bird on this one - it's too early for all this rubbish." Fred huffs and falls into the seat next to me, his shaggy hair falling in his eyes. I scoot over and shoot him a glare while he beams right back, shooting me a wink. Had I mentioned both of the twins hit their growth spurt this past summer, making them that much more attractive? Anyways, a moment later Ron shows up all disheveled, scolding his rat.

"Ron, I swear you just need to lose the damn rat. It's gross." Paige pipes up and as per usual, has the group in stitches while Ron pouts in his seat. He acts as if he's offended but we all know he loves any attention she gives him, even if it's mainly negative.

Ron and Paige soon start arguing about which diseases rats carry, while Fred keeps complaining that George is kicking him. I patiently wait for the group to come to their senses considering it's 8 in the morning and some people are tired but yet again, I have to be the bad guy.

"Everyone has three seconds to shut the fuck up before I shove my wand so far up your asses you can taste the dragon heart string. Got it?" I looked around the train car as everyone froze. I sat back down and opened my book, unable to read due to the snickering redhead beside me.

"Frederick, what the fuck could possibly be so funny?" I whipped my head to the right and sneered at him. He pulled his lips into his mouth, stifling a laugh. I rolled my eyes and began to get back to my book until I felt an elbow in my ribs.

"Fred I swear to Merlin I will hurt you." I could feel his eyes on me as I attempted to read my book once more, but he had other plans. He snatched it from my hands and put it on top of the overhead luggage- Just where I couldn't reach.

He sat back down and triumphantly crossed his arms with- and I hate to say it- a gorgeous smirk on his face. I rolled my eyes and shook my head at him while I stood up with my arms above my head, trying to get my book back. I glanced down to see his golden brown eyes focused in on me with this look.

In the midst of the fifteen seconds I had to decipher this look, the train jolted to a start, sending me right into Fred's lap. I could barely hear his deep chuckle over the rest of the train car hollering.

"If you want it, Lady bird, you just have to ask." His voice in my ear did things I didn't expect, making me immediately jump up and sit back down next to him. I'm certain my face is bright red at this point so I shove my headphones on and cross my arms, peering over at Fred who is smirking at a pissed off-looking George.

This is gonna be quite the trip.

~

Eventually, we get back to the castle and Paige is herding us like cattle over to see Hagrid, ensuring that none of our stuff goes unaccounted for in the process.

"Well hey there Weasleys 'N friends. How was the ride on the good ol' express, eh?" Hagrid throws a thumb over his shoulder and Harry starts rambling about the muggle trains. I've tuned out by now because Fred is over talking to a cute blonde that happens to be about 5 inches taller than me. Not wanting them to catch me staring, I avert my eyes and as I feel the pit growing in my stomach, I feel a breath on the back of my neck that encapsulates me in goosebumps.

"Jealousy doesn't look good on you, love. Don't pay him any mind. She obviously doesn't hold a candle if he's interested in us rather than her." George whispers in my ear, drawing my attention back to Fred, who is practically fuming. I'm frozen, unable to comprehend what all this animosity between the twins is about or why i'm involved.

"Don't panic." I hear right before I feel lips on the side of my neck. My eyes drift closed and my head falls back, a slight gasp escaping me. I'm then aware of the strong hands gripping my hips and his fingertips skating under the hem of my shirt. It all happens so fast but by the time I open my eyes, Fred is gone and George is standing in front of me. Did all of that really just happen or have I not woken up from my train nap yet?

"See ya in a bit, Lady Bird." With a wink, he too was gone. I scan the crowd for Paige and find her staring at me with her jaw hanging open. I frantically gesture in front of me, as if to say I know, what the fuck- but our telepathic conversation was cut short when I saw her body tense and her face go a bright shade of pink. Seconds later, Ron appeared from behind her in a laughing fit.

Hm, interesting.

~

Shortly after orientation, Paige and I make our way down the moving stairs and towards the Hufflepuff common room. This year, Paige was Head Girl and she couldn't be happier. To be completely honest, I, too, am thrilled that she got elected Head Girl because this means my curfew is now nonexistent along with a few other benefits, like the special bedroom.

While they were pinning the badge on her, I was hollering and clapping and I could tell from where I was sitting that she knew this only meant trouble. Life's too short, right? Pick the flower, kiss the boy, seize the gap.

As we come up on the barrels to the basement, Paige does the honors of showing the newbies how to get in. Once all the first day shenanigans have simmered down, her and I make our way over to what we call the suite of the common room- the Head Girl suite.

The view from the door consists of two queen beds pushed against the opposite wall with two nightstands separating them. Theres a hallway between the nightstands leading to the ensuite bathroom. On each side of the room there's a walk-in closet that definitely has room for my clothes and more. As i'm standing there in awe, Paige is squealing and jumping on the bed like we just got a call from the Magpies themselves, needing a keeper and beater.

"While you get that out of your system, I'm going to go for a walk and see if they've got anything left in the dining hall." I drop everything at the foot of the bed on the right and turn around on my heel.

"Hungry again already?" Paige raises an eyebrow at me, knowing I don't eat that much as is. I smile at her concern.

"Dessert goes to the heart not the stomach, babe." I throw her a wink and hustle out the door so I can catch the scraps before they're gone.

I reach the dining hall to find none other than Fuckface Weasley himself, shooting the shit with his Gryffindor buddies. I roll my eyes and steer myself in the opposite direction, hoping some blueberry tarts are left on the Hufflepuff table. To my complete surprise there are two left and I rush to grab both until a drastically bigger hand engulfs mine.

"Don't become a hog, now, Scamander. These happen to also be my favorite, or have you forgotten?" he grumbles the last part awfully close to my ear, a warmth spread through me and transported me back to this past summer. If only he knew I didn't forget, in fact I didn't stop thinking about it. Us making his mom's famous blueberry tarts, feeding them to each other, licking the blueberry compote off of his fingers.

I was snapped back to reality when I heard his buddies calling him from behind us.

"Oi Freddie, you just gonna humor her all day or are we putting this fire whiskey to good use?" Lee chuckles at what he thought was a dig at me, to which I respond with a fake barking laugh and a middle finger. I hear Fred exhale a laugh beside me and watch his hands flex as he wraps up his tart. Oh, Merlin.

"Maybe I can refresh your memory one day." He smirks at me and walks back over to his friends, leaving me a hot and confused mess.

Frederick Weasley is a dangerous one.