#very much going with the theme of “genuinely trying to break the cycle of terrible parenting and then failing in new and exciting ways”

[scarecrowdrugs]

Finally filled my entire sketchbook and the last page gets to feature Shivers Jonathan and his kidnapped baby sister adopted daughter, Clarice

[catinfroghat]

Decided to finally write some tomgreg S4 thoughts/predictions 😌 Like my tomshiv thoughts it's quite long so most of it is under a readmore.

As romantically framed as their "wedding" scene was in the finale, I think the choice of words Tom used to describe what Greg could expect if he came with him (Sporus and attack dog specifically) were very enlightening. Tom doesn't want them to be equal partners going forward, he doesn't want their dynamic to change. He's terrified of abandonment and he has seen firsthand how disloyal Greg can be (To him, Kendall, his grandfather, his political beliefs, even his girlfriend). He has no reason to believe that Greg would stay with him once he is no longer obligated to.

In season 3, Greg is moving up and moving on from Tom. His Nero and Sporus breakdown was as much about Greg considering a management position of his own without needing Tom's help as it was about his prison fears. So Tom is trying to take their relationship back to safety, back to tried and tested employee and employer, slave wife and emperor, dog and master territory.

But Greg is ambitious. He's been trying to get out from under Tom's control since season 1 now and he was so close to achieving that. When he reminds Tom that he is soon going to have a theme park of his own, Tom belittles him and tries to convince him that he would be nothing without him. It worked temporarily, but his attempts at manipulation were transparent and desperate and won't keep Greg subservient for long before he starts looking for better opportunities elsewhere.

And there is the conflict: Tom unable to let Greg grow and be his own person because he is afraid of being left alone vs Greg desperately wanting to break free from this unequal dynamic. Greg's dissatisfaction with being under Tom's thumb will make him disloyal, which in turn will solidify Tom's fears of abandonment. And on and on the cycle will go until Tom either learns to let Greg go or Greg finds a way out himself (Guess which one is more likely in a show like Succession where no one ever changes for the better lmao).

The idea of Tom sabotaging any potential for a reciprocal and equal relationship between the two of them due to his lack of trust in Greg is very compelling to me. The tragedy is that a lot of his insecurities are founded, from both Greg's past betrayals and from Shiv's. Not to mention, Greg is his only real ally, especially with the expected fallout with Shiv still to come, so keeping Greg close will be of vital importance more than ever. He really can't afford to lose his only support.

I've been toying with the idea of Greg giving Tom an ultimatum at some point in the next season. I think at this point Greg does know that Tom has feelings for him and I don't think he would be above using them to his advantage, even if he does reciprocate them. If Greg were to float the idea that he will only allow anything romantic to happen between them once Tom is no longer his boss, citing the terrible optics of a boss employee relationship in the midst of a sex scandal, I think Tom would have a very difficult decision on his hands. He has no guarantee that Greg will follow up in his promise once he does get a promotion away from him or whether he will lose him for good. There's also no guarantee that Tom will still have the same interest in Greg once their dynamic becomes more equal since, despite Tom having a lot of genuine affection for Greg, a lot of that is undeniably based on the feeling of control he gets from their relationship.

With this ultimatum in mind, if Greg were to become more openly affectionate with Tom, neither the audience or Tom would ever be able to be 100% certain whether Greg does truly reciprocate Tom's feelings or whether his actions are solely driven by a desire for a promotion.

It would be a very fun way to build on their already very complicated dynamic to have Greg become increasingly aware of the emotional power he has over Tom and knowingly using that against him. Or alternatively the audience becoming increasingly aware of Greg reciprocating Tom's feelings, only for Tom's insecurities to win out and prevent any romance from occurring between the two before Greg inevitably gets sick of being Tom's lackey and ends up betraying him and leaving him behind for real, a self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment.

[i-swear-this-is-for-homework]

What are your thoughts on the ending of the green knight? Little disappointed with it.

Ahhh thank you, my anonymous hero, for giving me the opportunity to ramble about this movie. I saw it last night and I’ve been thinking about it pretty nonstop. Disclaimer before I get into this: I’m not a proper medievalist. I am, however, an English student with a focus on British literature, so I’ve read a few different translations of the original source material and studied it fairly in-depth.

That being said, my first reaction to The Green Knight was… well, that it’s not really Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. Which is fine! Mostly. Every movie adaptation changes things from the source, but this one changed so much, so drastically, that I can’t really think about it as the same story. In the original poem, Gawain is a good (if inexperienced) knight who consistently keeps his promises and retains his honor right up until the very end of the story, when he lies about the green belt and refuses to give it to his host, Bertilak. The storyline of the movie seems to flip this? Gawain doesn’t start off as a good knight, or even as a knight at all, and in the movie he consistently fails to live up to knightly virtues throughout his quest. However, at the end he succeeds where the original Gawain did not, and voluntarily removes the belt (after that memorable flash-forward sequence).

To me, this is a fundamentally different story from the original. And I’m not mad about the character changes! A movie has to create a self-contained character arc in a way that the anonymous Pearl Poet did not have to. So to me, the movie seems to present the story of someone who must learn to accept death. Death (and rebirth) is certainly a major theme in the original, too, but I’ve always interpreted the og poem as placing more importance on honesty, chivalry, chastity, humility, and shame.

So the movie is telling a different story, with different themes. With that in mind, I guess it could make sense to skim over the 3 days of Christmas games and the kissing exchange in the original poem. However, even if it does make sense, I’m mad about it because I really liked the Christmas games and the kissing exchange in the original poem. I would’ve swapped out Gawain’s existential flash-forward sequence for a few good kissing exchanges in a heartbeat.

That being said, with the story the movie seems to be trying to tell I’m not terribly mad at the ending? Maybe? I’m still conflicted. I suppose the problem is that the themes feel very confused to me. The strongest one I can latch onto is the inevitability of death/ the importance of embracing the natural cycle of the world. With that in mind, Gawain’s vision of the future could be his realization that his life will, eventually, end, no matter what he does in the green chapel. His decision to remove the belt and face the green knight without its protection can then be seen as an acceptance of death, and the decision to die with honor and dignity. I’m not unhappy with where his character arc ends up here, considering he’s been framed as a screw-up since the beginning of the movie, but I’m left repeating #notmygawain because this is, again, a fundamentally different character arc from the original story. Again, I understand why they changed Gawain’s character for a movie. I just don’t like the changes very much.

I’m also not a huge fan of the cliffhanger (although I did love the final “Green Knight” title card!) mostly because all elements of cliffhanger are removed if you’ve actually read the original poem (or even just checked Wikipedia). Like, we know that the knight doesn’t kill Gawain. It’s not a new story. Although? I suppose this version of it is. So who’s to say whether he dies or not? I suppose the cliffhanger could work in the context of this adaption because, if we’re going with the ‘accepting death’ theme (which I’m still not sure about!), the outcome of Gawain’s decision doesn’t matter as much as the decision itself. We’ve seen him drift around the kingdom for almost 2 hours, breaking chivalric code, lying to his host, and overall being a pretty self-absorbed knight who’s terrified of his own mortality. The decision to accept death and embrace honor is the culmination of a character arc and seems like a fitting end to the movie. But I do wish we had gotten to see Gawain work more towards this growth through the events of his quest, rather than simply achieve it through a flash forward in time.

And I still think they should have left in the full three days of Christmas games.

Overall? This adaption was beautiful. Dev Patel is hot. And, more importantly (to me), this adaption felt right. The blending of Catholic imagery with pagan Celtic influences, the weird vibes, the use of title cards and the vaguely disconnected adventures was fun, and it felt more “Arthurian” than any other round-table-related movie I’ve ever watched. But I’m still not entirely sure what the story was trying to say, or if it said it. If you’re going to deviate from the source material this much, it’s my opinion that you’ve got to do it for a clear reason, to make a clear point, not just to subvert audience expectation. I’m not quite sure what the point of these changes were, or how the ending of the movie revealed the movie’s core thesis. It felt a bit more like a “gotcha!” from the director than a genuine end to Gawain’s story.

But, I mean, at least Dev Patel was hot.

[flying-elliska]

Shadow and Bone Season 1 Review

Ok so I got distracted by a need to watch all of Ben Barnes' filmography (lmao) but here is my review : It was really fun to watch and it was clearly made with love which is already the main thing with YA fantasy, which is often turned into a soulless moneygrab when put on screen. The actors were GREAT. I did think that the Crows suffered from being mashed up with the Shadow and Bone story, but they were still a highlight. I also think it was a bit rushed, esp. when it came to Alina's training. The costumes were beautiful, I want a kefta now. Plus the crossover fanfic interactions btw the SaB characters and the Crows were just pure joy. Also Milo, obviously <3 I'm in hyperfixation mode so here, have an essay :

The "Shadow and Bone" Characters :

- Jessie Mei Li !!!!!! She really made me like Alina so much more than in the books, she absolutely is the 'human embodiment of literal sunshine' and she was a joy to watch. Her character's arc is cliché but her acting is so expressive and endearing, I really felt for her all the way through. (maybe I'm biased bc Jessie talking about her ADHD and seeing her thrive at the same time is like!!! i love them they deserve all the best.) I like that they made Alina more proactive - even though she does make some stupid decisions... but I just don't understand people who put that down as bad writing, like ??? have you ever met a real person who only makes wise, good decisions ?? a character like that would either be at the end of their story or just in the background because that makes them static. The things with the maps in the beginning does a good job of illustrating how she is just this one girl making rash, erratic decisions out of fear and loyalty and doesn't have a sense of the bigger picture, caught in the tide of bigger events. It works for her character. When it comes to the choice of making her half-Shu, I do think it really makes sense re: her character feeling like an outsider but I do understand the criticisms that the microaggressions felt too relentless and one-note. I am really looking forward to them introducing Tamar and Tolya and hopefully connecting to them over her heritage in a more positive way.

- Mal in the books was one of the most annoying YA characters I've ever come across, so I really liked that they made him much more of a loyal, devoted friend. I found his relationship with Alina cute, it really gives us the sense that these are two orphans who found a home in each other, childhood best friends (and potential sweethearts) separated by war, two army grunts and ordinary people caught up in the wheels of power and war that usually crushes people like them, it's a great way to introduce the dynamics of their world and it's a trope that always makes me emo. It felt a bit too one note to me, though, and too heavily on the nose, like Mal's only personality was his attachment to Alina (and his resentment towards the Grisha) and too much of her emotional arc also relied on him. Them hitting us over the head with the meadow scenes felt like pure telling instead of showing and it ended up being super repetitive and kind of annoying. I am willing to like this pairing, but I wanted more scenes of them just having conversations about things and really understanding why they like each other beyond the whole childhood friends bond that we're asked to accept exists at the beginning. So I hope there's more depth there in next seasons.

- Ben Barnes!!!! Just jksdfhgkdjghdf. I'm not a big villain stan usually and I hated the Darkling in the books but DAMN his performance is just amazing. They managed to make him more sympathetic and human while at the same time making clear the stuff he does is deeply horrible. There's the Magneto-aspect of 'well clearly his methods are fucked up but he's addressing a terrible injustice nobody is doing anything about' that makes it very tempting to root for him ; and again, well, like, Ben Barnes is so hot and charismatic it feels uncomfortable (which I guess is part of the point lol). His loss of humanity is, up to a point, understandable, brought about by despair, loneliness, grief and a sense of powerlessness - living so long he starts to see other people as disposable, losing so many people he stops caring, seeing over and over how hate never seems to stop, etc. It's a logical explanation for going insane.

But the hunger for power is also very much present as a motivation and this ambiguity is there constantly. Does he maybe come to genuinely care for Alina or is it totally bullshit ? I think he does, he's just so fucked up that it comes out as possessiveness and a need to control her. He wants Alina to be his equal but he's incapable of treating her that way. It's tragic, in a sense, but the show doesn't excuse his actions either. Like his monstrosity is a product of this world full of injustice, yes, and that warrants some compassion, monsters are always a symptom of their environment in some ways and dehumanizing them completely is an excuse ; but at the same time, he sabotaged his own cause anyway the moment he started to treat other people like things, as he does with Alina, because that just perpetuates the cycle of violence and hate. At some point he started feeling like he was the only solution and he was owed power for his sacrifices, and he's using his cause as an excuse. When Alina came to him, there was a possibility for redemption, taking down the Fold, and it's a test because there is finally someone on his level of power. But instead of seeking to remedy the power imbalance between them, he made it worse, by lying to her, manipulating her, etc, and the antler collar is the ultimate sign of this.

I love those scenes towards the end (the antler-based body horror has big Hannibal vibes, so messed up). I like Alina telling him they could have had this, that she had compassion for him and his cause, that they could have worked together, and he's the one responsible for screwing it up and this time his claim that he's the misunderstood victim ("Make me your villain") appears delusional and self-serving instead of somewhat justified. The almost-lovers to enemies vibes, the sense of lost potential, and the angst of the whole 'oh you could finally have been loved by people, too bad you fucked it up !', very juicy. There is this fundamental idea that power/respect/love is not something you are owed no matter how good your intentions are or because you're strong or you have suffered or you're willing to commit horrible drastic actions, you have to keep proving you deserve it, and trying to claim power without responsibility of care turns you into a monster. The thing with the stag was an excellent metaphor of the fact that there's things you can't take, they have to be given to you, and the wonderful power there is in understanding that is what allows Alina to harness the stag amplifier's power. This is really when she escapes his grim utilitarian outlook and a different way forward and owns her own power fully on her own terms.

Anyway I hope Alina gets to beat the shit out of him at some point that would be very sexy but I'm also looking forward to see how their arcs parallel and diverge from each other as Alina starts to grapple more with the implications of her power and the harsh dilemmas of war and her own dark side. I want to see him become scared of her, and I feel it will be more visible than in the books where he just has this cold aggressive facade all the time. This one feels a lot more openly emotional which is just a lot more interesting.

- As for the other characters ; Zoya mostly made me sad. The actress has the perfect vibes but I'm not sure I love their take on her character so far, it does make sense in terms of the later books - that she has internalized prejudice regarding her mixed-race heritage, that she is jealous of Alina because of how hard she's fought to get where she is and Alina kind of takes it away from her, etc. But I would have liked to see a bit more of her being badass and sharp-tongued in a clever (even if mean) way instead of spending most of her time being rejected by men and being racist towards Alina. I did like the ending though, of her actually seeing the monstrosity of the Darkling in action and the mention of her aunt. And her brief bonding with Inej was great, just because it was badass but also maybe because it could be a part of Zoya learning to accept her Suli heritage in turn, maybe not right away but in time, when thinking of that part of herself, she won't only think of her parents' ruined marriage and all the pain it caused, but also of that badass and brave acrobat girl who went toe to toe with these really scary monsters without even having any powers and !!!!!

- Also Leigh's cameo was so cute and as an aspiring writer this is just such wish fulfillment

- I honestly think that having the Crows there actually made the S&B story better ? Not only in terms of the much needed levity breaks but also in terms of themes. For instance, Matthias and Nina's story gave us a really raw and visceral view of how the Grisha are hunted. And Inej's relationship to Alina really gave us a sense of what Alina actually means to people who believe in the Saints in a way that doesn't feel just like 'ugh those superstitious people' because we know that Inej's faith is part of what makes her who she is and a person with morals, and something that saw her through the worst moments of her life. It feels so special that she got to meet Alina and given a sign that maybe the world is not completely shitty. And Alina's kindness towards Inej really gives you a sense that she might be, or become worthy of that belief in time, or at least that she wants to, that she's figuring out her power to really touch people's lives might be a good thing, and that she's starting to accept this responsibility more fully. And her arming Inej is a nice parallel to that. I'm very emotional about this scene, because one of the first things we see of young Alina is her taking out a knife to defend Mal from the bullies, because she's protective and brave, but she's also aware the world is a shitty place, and so her giving that knife to Inej is a sort of spiritual transmission and recognition of sorts, that she trusts Inej with that fighting power, that she'll use this knife to defend herself and her loved ones and not abuse it. It's so interesting. And a counter point to the Darkling's fucked up relationship to power that Alina might at some point get afraid she'll replicate. That you could see Alina trying to gather followers and using people's admiration for her like he did but instead she sets them free and empowers them. It's great. And I feel that when Inej takes to the seas, she'll think about Alina. (I do hope somebody tells her Alina's not dead at some point though god). Girls giving each other knives is my spirituality, honestly.

- And I also noticed an interesting parallel between Kaz and the Darkling in terms of being two emo dudes who like to wear black, are prone to violence and have a thing for two very powerful women they think are special and want to have at their side, but of course, they go about it in very different ways. The Darkling comes at it from a place of power while Kaz comes from a place of utter powerlessness, first of all, and he understands why it's important to set Inej free. Him spending the entire season trying to earn enough money to pay off Inej's indenture is the opposite to the Darkling putting that collar on Alina and while I do have issues with how the show portrays him, I do love that. Love is about setting the person you love free !!!! And that confrontation scene was so powerful, when Kaz tells the Darkling Alina was tired of being a captive ! Drag him !

- As for Genya, I liked the actress and her chemistry with Alina, but I'm not sure they did a great job of making her arc very clear, for instance what it means for her to get that red kefta, her relationship with the other Grisha, etc. Her and David are already very cute though. Also very much looking forward to see where that goes.

So yeah I think they did a great job with this bit actually, I enjoyed a lot more than I think I would and even though it is a very tropey story, there's plenty of depth there too.

The Crows :

- I'm a bit more nitpicky about this because I care about these characters so much. I think overall the problem is that the SaB story in the books happens on this massive scale with enormous stakes, and that next to that the Crows' issues feel less important ; it's like their impact is distorted by the gravity of the much larger story. Like for instance, Kaz in the books is very much at the center of everything, this larger than life trickster figure who knows and controls almost everything by sheer cleverness, and he has this sense of allure and mystique that can't happen here, and so his aura just shrinks. On top of that they're not on their home turf. Being introduced to these characters before they've reached their full levels of badass is weird - there is a reason why prequels generally happen after the main stuff, because they count on the love you have for these characters at their full potential to make you interested in their story when they were less badass and interesting. So I had several moments where I was like 'oh this feels wrong'. Tbh the idea that they would even volunteer to kidnap Alina in the first place, what with Inej's backstory, feels kind of wrong, esp since they had no idea of what would happen to her if they succeeded.

- But I still enjoyed a lot of it though, especially the fact that they were this force of chaos in the midst of this bigger narrative that's a lot more self-serious. The bits with the train, or the circus acts were very clever. A lot of the best moments in the show happen when they come to disturb the other plot in unexpected ways. I'm still dead over the whole 'Alina jumps into their carriage' scene, that was fucking gold. The team up at the end !!!! Alina and Kaz making a deal ! Inej stabbing the Darkling !!!! Them stealing the Darkling's carriage !!! They don't give a shit that the story is supposed to be super dramatic it's great.

- Jesper is the one character they completely nailed from start to finish and he's probably my favorite part of the whole show. He's very funny without being reduced to the role of comic relief ; he's just so! damn! cool!!!!!!! I honestly feel this is a thing they actually did even better than in the books, or at least Six of Crows where I felt Jasper kind of disappeared behind Kaz and they insist a lot on his flaws and issues. So before we dig more into those problems I love that they gave him time to be this ultra badass who saves the day several times ; while at the same time, hinting at further developments like his powers or his gambling issues. Kit Young is just perfect, confident without being arrogant, a bit cold when it comes to crime while at the same time being so obviously caring with Inej - I loved their friendship, that was so sweet. My main criticism is that they should have made it clearer he was bi because there are already people calling him gay and that's very annoying. I know some people had a problem with his hookup and like...I can see it's a bit of a cliché...the charming badass bisexual adventurer....it's a trope I kind of love though lmao and the scene itself felt kind of cute and fun. He's not the only person who is shown to have an active sexuality and he's also not the only queer person around and we know he's going to have a more substantial romantic arc later so eh. On a larger note I loved the little casual hints of completely normalized queerness - Nadia thirsting over Zoya, Fedyor and Ivan, Poppy, etc. Having grown up with fantasy where queerness was either completely erased or very tormented and problematic, this was refreshing as hell.

- Inej and Kaz...my faves... They have a kind of relationship which feels so rare and unique in terms of what exists on TV and while I don't feel they entirely replicated it, the core is still there - the mutual respect and building of trust, the longing, the repression, the trauma, etc. One thing I really like is their arc around faith - in the books, Kaz is dismissive of Inej's faith in ways that often feel really shitty and I like that he learns to be more respectful of it. It's very much linked to hope/survival ; Inej keeps this token from her parents and she hopes to find them again ; Kaz tells her it's no use and she'll survive better if she gives up. He believes Alina is a fake, while Inej wants to believe that myths can come true and there is hope for good things in the world. Kaz comes to accept that Alina is the real deal and, out of respect for Inej's faith, to stop pursuing her. I loved the bit about Inej struggling to kill as well - it's the dilemma of what her survival and that of the people she really cares about are worth in such a shitty world - her compassion is a good part of her but so is her survival instinct, and that's the part Kaz represents - that even after she's been through hell, broken in unfathomable ways, even if she gave up all hope and faith in the world, even she becomes dangerous and ruthless to survive, she will still deserve dignity, and to be treated better. And meanwhile she is willing to break her principles, which she holds so dearly, to save him, when he's never had anyone who cared for him like that - enough to keep him alive. That bit in the church !!!!! God !!!!!! Bye !!!!!!! And then him basically calling her his own version of a Saint, that he doesn't believe in miracles but he does believe in her !!! It's very emblematic of their whole arc ; he empowers her to survive in a ruthless world and loves her at her most dangerous ; but he loves her laugh too, he finds her a ship and her parents, he honors her capacity for love and hope even when he can't share it. And she sees that he's capable of doing better, that he's worth caring for. This whole thing kills me honestly and I can't wait to see where they take this next. I'm not mad they're a bit more soft and obvious than in the books, Kaz would just have come across as an an asshole otherwise.

- That said, there are bits of how they introduced their backstories I don't like. I get that making it so Inej was still tied to the Menagerie gave them a very powerful reason to want to kidnap Alina beyond greed so that they wouldn't look like very shitty people. But in the books Inej is terrified by the idea of simply seeing Heleen or the Menagerie and the way they have her interact with her feels weirdly casual and dismissive of her trauma. Also, in the books, the fact that Kaz had to convince Per Haskell to buy Inej's contract through a lot of effort, that he wasn't the one holding that above her head either, made the power dynamics more palatable. I especially disliked the scene where Kaz says he won't free other girls because just Inej is special, it makes him look like he has the power but he's just too much of a callous asshole to do it, and that he just freed Inej because he liked her which is absolutely not what their relationship is about at the start, it's a lot more about seeing Inej's dangerous side behind a facade of powerlessness and relating to her, in a sense, and this scene made it all feel cheap.

- Also, what was that about Inej having a brother ? Not a fan of that either. I'm afraid they're going to make her story all about finding what happened to him, and that's 1) too on the nose similar to Kaz's story and 2) it kind of cheapens her own arc, a female character realizing that what was done to her was wrong, reclaiming her own power and dignity and then making sure it doesn't happen to anybody else, harnessing her personal experience to save strangers, that's so powerful - making it about a family member at first, especially if it's about revenge, it's so much more simplistic and unoriginal and the perspective really annoys me.

- Also not a fan of Per Haskell not being there because he's a very important part of Kaz's evolution, so I hope he shows up eventually - and the way they introduced Pekka Rollins was kind of like...weird and out of place. I just found the Crows' introduction scenes stilted and not as cool as they should have been - well, Jesper and Inej were very cool, but we needed to see Kaz in action first, we needed to see why he's such a menace before we see him flounder later, and I just...I don't know exactly but it didn't work for me. Also this is a very petty thing but I wasn't crazy about the Ketterdam sets, I know this is probably a budget thing but in my head it looked like this incredible mix of Amsterdam and Venice - specific locations in the book directly remind me of parts of Amsterdam I know very well - and instead what we got felt like this very generic London-ish fantasy setting....so boring. Also a lot of scenes that felt to exposition-y. I don't mind that Kaz was a bit softer than in the books, like many people have said some things work in books and don't work on a screen, and you need to make the character's inner dynamics more explicit. But I do agree that, at the same time, he should have been more ruthless towards people outside of his group. Loved that scene where he faces the Inferni though, and how well they illustrated his disability and aversion to touch.

- I don't have that much to say about Nina and Matthias ; I'm still not super sold on the whole 'haha misogyny!' thing and I dislike that so much of Matthias' change of heart relies on the fact that he finds Nina hot. But I did think that the actors had enough chemistry to make their scenes together interesting and cute ; I loved the waffle scene. Even though it's disappointing that they didn't find an actress who was more clearly plus size for Nina, I still think Danielle does a good job bringing her bold, unapologetic energy. I'm really looking forward to seeing the Crows as a whole team.

So yeah, even though the season didn't feel like a perfect, coherent whole, it was just a lot of fun and I really hope they get renewed. In particular I feel like tying the first trilogy to the Crows' story could create such interesting parallels in terms of themes, about power, the cost of survival, hope, trauma, etc etc

[whoslaurapalmer]

utena manga AND adolescence manga!!!! the longest of any of my utena posts why did i have so much to say. 

-i do have to say that the box set is amazing. i’ve never owned hardcover manga before!! and the art is really beautiful and i love all the color illustrations....... -also came with a poster!! but i, don’t particularly want naked utena and anthy on my wall. 

-i always love utena, so much  -“it’s not shocking pink, it’s rose! it’s a nice color. i picked it out, after all.” babygirl  (-omg the explanation that there is a list of stylists that she could get uniforms from and at least she picked one on the list) -poor kaido.......he’s the true Pre-Series Friend Who Shows Up In The First Episode And Is Never Heard From Again Once The Plot Kicks In 

-i like that the manga has an explanation of how utena found ohtori academy because, you do wonder -- but i also like how she’s just There in the anime, with absolutely no explanation of how she got There, she’s just There and maybe she’s always been there!, re: time, it ultimately doesn’t matter, it’s where she wound up regardless  -the.......floaty dreaminess of it......... -uggg wait especially because even though it has been akio manipulating her around all this time she still doesn’t truly go to ohtori because of akio she goes because of anthy 

-i’m. look i don’t even want to say it cause this is a straight-up terrible nickname and i am in pain over it but i have to say something  -mr -mr l  -mr  -licky -lick  -i have to wonder how other people have translated that 

-me: hey that looks like he licked the tears off her face??? utena: i named him --  the narrator living inside my brain: and at that moment lulu vandelay considered launching a book across the room for the first time in her twenty-six years of life

-you know utena if your aunt got transfered to amsterdam, you still would’ve wound up at an ohtori academy  -what even happens at the ohtori in amsterdam??????????????  -what  -do they do an exchange program?? do they ever get anyone back??? is amsterdam also creating a world?????? or are they fine over there??? -is it alt universe ohtori???? 

-chu-chu is so fluffy!!!! so soft.......big squish........huggable............ -anthy making him a tie because she felt bad about him not wearing anything!!!! 

-THE MANGA MOVES VERY FAST HONESTLY -especially because i hit a point where i too was reading as fast as possible to get through it but there was still SO MUCH 

-no nanami????? no nanami at all??????? except for that one picture of her???????  -no???????  -look. i really love nanami and i didn’t realize how much i really liked her until she wasn’t there :( cause i liked her in the first place but i miss all her antics :( and i liked where her character arc went a lot :(  -she’s very loud about this but she’s really just that tumblr post that’s like ‘i put ‘i love salsa’ in the chat and no one said anything and i wondered if salsa had killed a parent or if salsa ever really existed’ and that’s relatable  -and the second-guessing embarrassment of every single thing in your life and yet the commitment to radical high-and-mighty confidence about the same exact things to compensate??? good for her!!!! 

-utena, with the power of dios: i can see every move! me: wow didn’t know dios had the sharingan 

-INTRIGUED actually by touga having. a secret room with a big fucking calendar with zodiac symbols and all the fights predetermined  -like there’s something super interesting about that  -like...... -on one hand a physical representation of The Plot Being Controlled. The Plot Has A Map Now. on the other hand, touga has to write it all down like a nerd bc he’s not akio and has no sway himself over the narrative and he needs a reference 

-i’m absolutely fascinated by how a group of people can come together and create The Same Story that is so different in the manga and the anime.....  -just. how  -in a good way and a bad way. in the good way, how do you collaborate with people like that????? in the bad way, how do you create two completely separate thematic takes on the same story  -with so many of the same base scenes!!!! they go completely different ways!!!!! i’m!!!!!!!!!!!! 

-oh i do love the character profiles. i like knowing birthdays!! 

-akio grabbing utena because he thought she was anthy

-it fucking goes from. ‘everyone in this manga wants to fuck touga’ to ‘everyone in this manga will support utena, EVEN TOUGA?????’ like wow  -he’s just.........living with them..................................... -like a creep  -AND HE JUST GIVES UP THE STUDENT COUNCIL PRESIDENCY THAT’S THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING  -doesn’t take much to get them to break the system down here but they’re still not breaking the system down here  -oh my god it’s like the sad lemon man movie speedrunning the first 3 books and hitting the plot notes with none of the substantial theme  -it’s just, i don’t think the manga is completely terrible, like i think there are some interesting moments but i also know the common perception is The Manga Is Terrible? so i’m like. do i pick out the interesting things and try and give them meaning? or do i just. wholesale agree that this is, on a whole other thematic plane and terrible  (-my whole life is ‘i should be able to make my own opinion on something!’ vs ‘but i like to read other people’s opinions to make sure i don’t miss anything but that should not replace my own capacity for critical thought which i am clearly capable of and did a great deal of work on as a lit major!!’) (oh this is anxiety.) (it’s a lot of ‘i don’t want to misinterpret this in any way because that is a failure on my part so i’m digging around for explanations’ oh that’s still anxiety.) 

-i mean. the emphasis on ‘friendship’ more than anything with anthy is, disappointing, but i DO also like utena trying to get anthy to make friends and that anthy’s first instinct is to take after wakaba because that’s super cute 

-chu-chu narrating the curry story!!  -he’s just such a sweet bean. 

-utena: akio? the devil, lucifer? me, reigning my brain back in as it shoots into hyperdrive: okay lulu you’re right about the tarot symbolism but now is not the time, bring it back, girl  (......utena’s the fool nemuro hall is the tower the car at the end of the movie is the world anthy stabbing utena is the ten of swords (not in the sense of betrayal but in the end of the cycle/story portrayed in the swords suit)) (ANYWAY) 

-and then touga still somehow stays at the center of the story and utena relies on him....... -there’s a bigger reliance on men in the manga that is not, challenged at all, re: touga and dios -but at least akio’s still a full-on creep  -actually i think he unsettled me just a smidge more which was a big accomplishment, considering the time i almost fell over furniture 

-me: oh my god are utena and anthy gonna switch places???  me: NOOOOOOO -anthy’s coffin breaking because utena puts the ring back on....... -but, like........dios is completely incapable of action as well and utena doesn’t need him to rescue anthy  -dios is more some ethereal grand thing here instead of an idealized past self that akio has lost access to and can never regain and was never truly good in the first place  -although utena and anthy switching is, interesting. reinforces akio making utena a princess when again she’s neither and it’s.......a little “in the end, girls are all like rose brides” and women are manipulated around by men, but also, kind of loses what anthy holding the swords meant in the first place? 

-touga: you have to do it, utena me: touga stop trying to steal the scene. get out. get out now 

-THE CASTLE IS REAL????????????????????????? 

-okay the absolute roller coaster between ‘he’s gonna kill dios????’ ‘that’s the manga backstory?????’ ‘DIOS IS JUST DEAD NOW????’ ‘NO HE WAS STILL DIOS THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!!’  -oh but you know you could read it as a, killing your past self sort of thing -...........although that doesn’t really vibe here, does it 

-i think them being specifically ‘gods’ takes away from just the, cycle of humanity kind of thing........ -it’s so pleasantly vague in the anime because how dios came to be Dios and why anthy had to put a stop to it just doesn’t matter. it’s not what matters. it’s not what’s important. the fact that it happened at all is what matters.  -and somehow he still wasn’t dios the whole time!!!!!  -“she kept his sword in her bosom, one last token of her love!” that’s an.........interesting way to put it -i mean, yeah maybe?? but also, no?????????????????????????????? 

-anthy’s kind of, watered down a little in the manga too, in a way?  -STABBING UTENA WAS SO IMPORTANT TOO 

-noooooo where are my girls learning that it’s not about being a prince and that it’s just genuine love and being there for someone  -i mean i guess the love is here but. “i must be the prince myself” no!!!! noooooooooo  -you know what i don’t even want to THINK about akio and utena..........like that 

-AND THERE’S STILL TOUGA!!! IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL!!!!!!!!!! TOUGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  -anthy: /wearing utena’s uniform me: /staring into the camera like i’m on the office 

-like...............well that just continues the cycle then, doesn’t it, in a way  -which, is its own kind of story.............. -and i guess you could also make a case for ‘well no one’s immediately recovered right after a story that takes time and it’s not always perfect and that could involve anthy emulating utena’ -BUT NO!!!! NO??????? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  -i think that’s giving the manga too much credit considering how much it forced ‘the prince’ at the end!!!!!!!!  -i get it. i get the ‘the manga is terrible.’ i see you.  -it wasn’t, completely terrible, but, wow. i get it. 

-okay hold on i still have two side stories before adolescence

-OH ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? ONCE AGAIN I HAVE TO DEAL WITH RUKA  -WAS IT NOT ENOUGH THAT I HAVE ALREADY SUFFERED  -ruka i still hate you. that’s all i have to say on that 

-and black rose arc condensed to thirty pages????  -the way mikage acts towards mamiya is like. blatantly creepy in the anime but i didn’t think it was here???? rude.  -anthy and utena holding hands after it, though....... 

-OKAY, adolescence  -i feel like, i was unduly harsh on the movie...... -mostly because i was reading the youtube comments on the dub before i watched and people were talking about how terrible the dub was (i did not watch the dub)  -and i knew about the car and i was just really thrown by the car. the cars. just. unexpected  -but if the manga speedruns in a bad way the movie speedruns in a way that not only hit the plot elements but picked up a lot of the thematic elements as well!!  -i mean every arc was touched upon in some way! even the black rose arc! -which haunts me, regularly.  -also i am forever going to be thinking about the fwwm parallel like damn  -it really was a good time....... -oh! this in particular was why i was a little concerned about missing anything in thinking about the manga   -like...is this a bad character choice in good writing, or is this a bad character choice in bad writing? sometimes i’m not always great at that 

-anyway.  -the manga was really mostly the same except somehow touga was more uncomfortable, there were no cars, and utena and touga had sex uggg  -god i SWEAR when i was flipping through last week i saw a car though. i swear???? i thought i did?????  -guess i didn’t!! 

-touga: as long as you keep me there in your heart, i can continue to exist like this. i can stay at this school for all eternity.  me: The Grief™ vs ohtori academy doing its thing vs I HATE THIS AAAAAAAAA 

-anthy, to akio: be gone! you’re only in my mind! me: oh that’s a powerful statement though. re: like, how akio keeps anthy 

-what i DID really really love was the little scene at the end with anthy and utena out of ohtori and older in a planetarium theater after everything and being cute on a date (with chu-chu!) and that that’s how it ends (even if utena was still thinking about touga) with them holding hands walking out............... -the softness!!!! 💖💖 

[the-desolated-quill]

Watchmen - Movie blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. if you haven’t seen this movie yet, you may want to before reading this review)

A movie adaptation of Watchmen had been in development in some form or another since the graphic novel was first published back in 1987. Over the course of its two decade development cycle, being passed from filmmaker to filmmaker who each had their own vision of what a Watchmen movie should be, fans objected to the idea of a movie adaptation, describing Watchmen as ‘unfilmmable.’ Alan Moore himself condemned the effort to adapt his work, saying that Watchmen does things that can only be done in a comic book. But where there’s a will, there’s a way, and in 2009, Watchmen finally came to the big screen, directed by Zack Snyder.

I confess it took me a lot longer to write this review than I intended and that’s largely because I wasn’t sure how best to approach it. Snyder clearly has a lot of love and respect for the source material and tried his best to honour it as best he could. Snyder himself even said that he considers the film to be an advert for the book, hoping to get newcomers interested in the material. So how should I be looking at this film? As an adaptation or as an artistic tribute? More to the point, which of the three versions of the film should I be reviewing? The original theatrical cut, the director’s cut or the ultimate cut? Which best reflects Snyder’s artistic vision?

After much pondering, I decided to go with the director’s cut. The theatrical release was clearly done to make studio execs happy by keeping the runtime under three hours, but it comes at the cost of major plot points and character moments being chucked away. The ultimate cut however comes in at a whopping four hours and is arguably the most accurate to the source material as it also contains the animated Tales Of The Black Freighter scenes. However these scenes break the narrative flow of the film and were clearly not intended to be part of the final product, being inserted only to appease the fans. The director’s cut feels most like Snyder’s vision, clocking in at three and half hours and following the graphic novel fairly closely whilst leaving room for artistic licence.

Now as some of you may know, while I’m not exactly what you would call a fan of Zack Snyder’s work, I do have something of a begrudging respect for him due to his willingness to take creative risks and attempt to tell more complex, thought provoking narratives that don’t necessarily adhere to the blockbuster formula. Films like Watchmen and Batman Vs Superman prove to me that the man clearly has a lot of good ideas and a drive to really make an audience think about what they’re watching and question certain things about the characters. The problem is that he never seems to know how best to convey those ideas on screen. In my review of Batman Vs Superman, I likened him to a fire hose. Extremely powerful, but unless you’ve got someone holding onto the thing with both hands and pointing it in the right direction, it’s just going to go all over the place. I admire Snyder’s dedication and thought process, but I think the fact that his most successful film, Man Of Steel, also happens to be the one he had the least creative influence on speaks volumes. When he’s got someone to work with and bounce ideas off of, he can be a creative force to be reckoned with. Left to his own devices however, and his films tend to go off the rails very quickly.

Watchmen is very much Snyder’s passion project. You can tell a lot of care and effort went into this. The accuracy of the costumes, staging and set designs speak for themselves. However there is an underlying problem with Snyder trying to painstakingly recreate the graphic novel on film. While I don’t agree with the purists who say that Watchmen is ‘unfilmmable’, I do agree with Alan Moore’s statement that there are certain aspects of the graphic novel that can only work in a graphic novel. A key example of this is its structure. Watchmen has the luxury of telling its non-linear narrative over twelve issues in creative and unorthodox ways. A structure that’s incredibly hard to translate into any other medium. A twelve episode TV mini-series might come close, but a movie, even a three hour movie, is going to struggle due to the sheer density of the material and the unconventional structure. Whereas the structure of the graphic novel allowed Alan Moore to dedicate whole chapters to the origin stories of Doctor Manhattan and Rorschach and filling in the gaps of this alternate history, the structure of a movie doesn’t really allow for that. And yet Snyder tries really hard to follow the structure of the book even though it simply doesn’t work on film, which results in the movie coming to a screeching halt as the numerous flashbacks and origin stories disrupt the flow of the narrative, causing it to stop and start constantly at random intervals, like someone kangarooing in a rundown car.

Just as Watchmen the graphic novel played around with the common tropes and framing devices of comics, Watchmen the movie needed to play around with the common tropes and framing devices of comic book movies. To Snyder’s credit, there are moments where he does do that. The most notable being the first five minutes where we see the entire history of the world of Watchmen during the opening credits while ‘The Times They Are A-Changing’ is played in the background. This is legitimately good. It depicts the rise and fall of the superhero in a way only a movie can. I wish Snyder did more stuff like this rather than restricting himself to just recreating panels from the graphic novel.

Which is not to say I think the film is bad. On the contrary, I think it’s pretty damn good. There’s a lot of things to like about this movie. The biggest, shiniest gold star has to go to Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach. While the movie itself was divisive at the time, Haley’s portrayal of Rorschach was universally praised as he did an excellent job bringing this extreme right wing bigot to life. He has become to Rorschach what Ryan Reynolds is to Deadpool or what Mark Hamill is to the Joker. He is the character (rather tragically. LOL). To the point where it’s actually scary how similar Haley looks to Walter Kovacs from the graphic novel. The resemblance is uncanny.

Another standout performance is Jeffery Dean Morgan as the Comedian. Just as depraved and unsavoury as the comic version, but Morgan is also able to inject some real charm and pathos into the character. You believe that Sally Jupiter would have consensual sex with him despite everything he did to her before. But his best scene I think was his scene with Moloch (played by Matt Frewer) where the Comedian expresses regret for all the terrible things he did. It’s a genuinely emotional and impactful scene and Morgan manages to wring some sympathy out of the audience even though the character doesn’t really deserve it. But that’s what makes Rorschach and the Comedian such great characters. Yes they’re both depraved individuals, but they’re also fully realised and three dimensional. They feel like real people, which is what makes their actions and morals all the more shocking.

Then there’s Doctor Manhattan, who in my opinion stands as a unique technical achievement in film. The number of departments that had to work together to bring him to life is staggering. Visual effects, a body double, lighting, sound, it’s a truly impressive collaborative effort, all tied together by Billy Crudup’s exceptional performance. He arguably had the hardest job out of the whole cast. How do you portray an all powerful, emotionless, quantum entity without him coming across as a robot? Crudup manages this by portraying Manhattan as being less emotionless and more emotionally numb, which makes his rare displays of emotion, such as his shock and anger during the TV interview, stand out all the more. It’s a great depiction that I don’t think is given the credit it so richly deserves.

Which leads into something else about the movie, which will no doubt be extremely controversial, but I’m going to say it anyway. I much prefer the ending in the film to the ending in the book.

Hear me out.

In my review of the final issue of Watchmen, I said I didn’t like the squid because of its utter randomness. The plot of the movie however works so much better both from a narrative and thematic perspective. Ozymandias framing Doctor Manhattan makes a hell of a lot more sense than the squid. For one thing, it doesn’t dump a massive amount of new info on us all at once. It’s merely an extension of previously known facts. We know Ozymandias framed Manhattan for giving people cancer to get him off world. It’s not much of a stretch to imagine the world could also buy that Manhattan would retaliate after being ostracised. We also see Adrian and Manhattan working together to create perpetual energy generators, which turn out to be bombs. It marries up perfectly with the history of Watchmen as well as providing an explanation for why there’s an intrinsic field generator in Adrian’s Antarctic base. It also provides a better explanation for why Manhattan leaves Earth at the end despite gaining a newfound respect for humanity. But what I love most of all is how it links to Watchmen’s central themes. 

Thanks to the existence of Doctor Manhattan, America has become the most powerful nation in the world to the point where its disrupted the global balance of power. This has led to the escalation of the Cold War with Russia as well as other countries like Vietnam being at the mercy of the United States. It also allowed Nixon to stay in office long after his two terms had expired. The reason the squid from the book is so unsatisfying as a conclusion is because you don’t buy that anyone would be willing to help America after the New York attack. In fact it would be more likely that Russia and other countries might take advantage of America’s vulnerability. Manhattan’s global attack however not only gives the whole world motivation to work together, it also puts America in a position where they have no choice but to ask for help because it was they that effectively created this mess in the first place. So seeing President Nixon pleading for a global alliance feels incredibly satisfying because we’re seeing a corrupt individual hoist by his own petard and trying to save his own skin, even if it comes at the cost of his power. America is now like a wounded animal, and while world peace is ultimately achieved, the US is now a shadow of its former self. It fits in so perfectly with the overall story of Watchmen, frankly I’m amazed Alan Moore didn’t come up with this himself.

It’s not perfect however. Since the whole genetic engineering stuff no longer exists, it makes the existence of Adrian’s pet lynx Bubastis rather perplexing. Also the whole tachyons screwing with Doctor Manhattan’s omniscience thing still doesn’t make a pixel of sense. But the biggest flaw is in Adrian Veidt’s characterisation. For one thing, Matthew Goode’s performance isn’t remotely subtle. He practically screams ‘bad guy’ the moment he appears on screen. He has none of the charm or charisma that the source material’s Ozymandias had. But it’s worse than that because Snyder seems to be going out of his way to uncomplicate and de-politicise the story and characters. There’s no mention of Adrian’s liberalism or his disdain for Nixon and right wing politics. The film never explores his obsession with displaying his own power and superiority over right wing superheroes like Rorschach and the Comedian. He’s just the generic bad guy. And I do mean bad guy. Whereas the graphic novel left everything up to the reader to decide who was morally in the right, the film takes a very firm stance on who the audience should be siding with. Don’t believe me? Just look at how Rorschach’s death is presented to us.

It’s very clear while watching the film that Zack Snyder is a big Rorschach fan. He gets the most screen time and there’s a lot of effort dedicated to his portrayal and depiction. And that’s fine. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. As I’ve mentioned before in previous blogs, Rorschach is my favourite character too. However it’s important not to lose sight of who the character is and what he’s supposed to represent, otherwise you run the risk of romanticising him, which is exactly what the film ends up doing. Rorschach’s death in the graphic novel wasn’t some heroic sacrifice. It was a realisation that he has no place in the world that Ozymandias has created, as well as revealing the hypocrisy of the character. In the extra material provided in The Abyss Gazes Also, we learn that, as a child, Walter supported President Truman’s use of the atomic bomb in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and yet, in his adult life, he opposes Adrian’s plan. Why? What’s the difference? Well the people who died in Hiroshima and Nagasaki weren’t American. They were Japanese. The enemy. In Rorschach’s mind, they deserved to die, whereas the people in New York didn’t. It signifies the flawed nature of Rorschach’s black and white view of the world as well as displaying the racist double standards of the character. Without the context of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Rorschach’s death becomes skewed. This is what ends up happening in the movie. Rorschach removes his mask and makes a bold declaration to Doctor Manhattan, the music swells as he is disintegrated, defiant to the last, and his best friend Nite Owl screams in anguish and despair.

In fact the film takes it one step further by having Nite Owl punch Adrian repeatedly in the face and accuse him of deforming humanity, which completely contradicts the point of Dan Dreiberg as a character. He’s no longer the pathetic centrist who requires a superhero identity to feel any sort of power or validation. He’s now the everyman representing the views of the audience, which just feels utterly wrong.

This links in with arguably the film’s biggest problem of all. The way it portrays superheroes in general. The use of slow motion, cinematography and fight choreography frames the superheroes and vigilantes of Watchmen as being powerful, impressive individuals, when really the exact opposite should be conveyed. The costumes give the characters a feeling of power, but that power is an illusion. Nite Owl is really an impotent failure. Rorschach is an angry bigot lashing out at the world. The Comedian is a depraved old man who has let his morals fall by the way side so he can indulge in his own perverse fantasies. They’re not people to be idealised. They’re to be at pitied at best and reviled at worst. So seeing them jump through windows and beating up several thugs single handed through various forms of martial arts ultimately confuses the message, as does the use of gratuitous gore and violence. Are we supposed to be shocked by these individuals or in awe? 

Costumes too have a similar problem. Nite Owl and Ozymandias’ costumes have been updated so they look more imposing, which kind of defeats the purpose of them. The point is they look silly to us, the outside observers, but they make the characters feel powerful. That juxtaposition is lost in the film. And then there’s the Silk Spectre. In the graphic novel, both Sally and Laurie represent the changing attitudes of women in comics and in society. Both Silk Spectres are sexually objectified, but whereas Sally accepts it as part of the reality of being a woman, Laurie resists it, seeing it as demeaning. The only reason she wore her revealing costume in A Brother To Dragons was because she knew that Dan found it sexually attractive and she wanted to indulge his power fantasy. None of this is touched upon in the film, other than one passing mention of the Silk Spectre porn magazine near the beginning of the film. There’s not even any mention of how impractical her costume is, like the graphic novel does. Yes the film changes her look drastically, but it’s still just as impractical and could have been used to make a point on how women are perceived in comic book films, but it never seems to hinder her in anyway. It’s never even brought up, which is ridiculous. Zack Snyder’s reinterpretation of Silk Spectre is clearly meant to inject some form of girl power into the proceedings, as she’s presented as being just as impressive and kick-ass as the others, when the whole point of her character was to expose the misogyny of the comics industry at the time and how they cater to the male gaze. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the graphic novel did it perfectly, but it did it a hell of a lot better than this.

Die hard fans have described the film over the years as shallow and ‘style over substance.’ I don’t think that’s entirely fair. It’s clear that Zack Snyder has a huge respect for the graphic novel and wanted to do it justice. Overall the film has a lot of good ideas and is generally well made. However, as much as Snyder seems to love Watchmen, it does seem like he only has a surface level understanding of it, hence why the attention and effort seems to be going into the visuals and the faithfulness to Alan Moore’s attention to detail rather than the Watchmen’s story and themes. While the film at times makes some good points about power, corruption and morality, it doesn’t go nearly as far as the source material does and seems to shy away from really getting into the meat of any particular topic. Part of that I suspect is to do with marketability, not wanting to alienate casual viewers, but I think a lot of it is to do with it simply being in the wrong medium. I personally don’t think you can really do a story as complex and intricate as Watchmen’s justice in a Hollywood film. In my opinion, this really should have been a TV mini-series or something.

So on the whole, while I appreciate Snyder’s attempt at bringing the story of Watchmen to life and can see that he has the best intentions in mind, I don’t think this film holds a candle to the original source material. 

[motherstone]

So, I was looking at your AU (So well developed I must say) and there's this question in my mind, is Emily... dead?? In your Oc universe I mean, no need to answer if you don't want to

Haha! Anon, be prepared for a rant because you have pressed my Hyperfixation Button.

Warning: this rant shows how bias I am towards a character and certain places in Amulet and contains real world opinions and issues that I am Absolutely Pissed about so I retconned a couple of things in my OC world. It addresses issues that is very much happening and if it makes you uncomfortable, well, it’s never meant to comfortable. This contains a lot of sensitive themes and frankly I am still doing research 

Technically speaking, the entire Council is gone along with Cielis (although the Surface knows it’s still alive they just ceased contact). Vigo died quite some time ago, along with several of theoriginal crew. Emily and Trellis are what remains of the Council but theresponsibilities are split because Trellis stayed on Alledia while Emily assistsin Space as a fighter (she’s not a leader). Elves age differently here, so Emilyis well in her senior years while Trellis is in his early 20s. Emily found Moze(already having a stone) abandoned as an infant in a wreckage after a fight inGhen-7, and brought him back to Alledia to raise him. Here Trellis actuallyserved as Moze’s adoptive father with Emily as his mom (but they’re not in arelationship, more of QPR because Emily is aroace while Trellis is a demi throughand through). 

He’s p reluctant at first and suspiscious where Emily gothim and if she just “stole” him without, I dunno, searching for his parents butultimately agrees because Emily has to be in Space and the safest place sheknows is Alledia and the most trustworthy person she knows is Trellis.Fortunately, he genuinely loved him and raised him as his own despite being differentspecies, even more so as from different planets. The problem is, Emily was kindof… Emotionally neglectful. The only time she ever bothers to visit Moze iswhen she wants to train him and bring him to space so he could join her in herfights but nothing beyond that. Trellis is a bit more affectionate, butconsidering he is recovering trauma from his own abusive childhood, strugglesto communicate properly with Moze and tries to feebly and reluctantlyunderstand and justify Emily’s action.

Unfortunately, this just bred resentment in Moze, as most ofthe time he’s complimented and recognized based on his skill and power, ratherthan his worth as a person. It worsens to the point that he believes that theonly reason Emily adopted him in the first place because he’s a weapon they canuse in their “war” (considering Alledia’s mandatory 500 years of peace is ineffect, Moze interprets that his parents has not yet switched out of their “atwar” mindset. And considering Emily’s actions, it’s quite hard to blame Mozefor drawing up that conclusion). The fact that Trellis is training him as astonekeeper to one day become a Guardian of the Council and didn’t evenconsider if THAT’S what Moze wants…. Moze was in a very claustrophobic anddistressing situation. When he does try to bring it up with Trellis, he’llreceive excuses. When he does try to bring it up with Emily, he gets dismissed.His lack of friends because of prioritizing his training made him deprived of agood support network (which a weakened Ikol took advantage of)

Contrary to what Moze thinks, Trellis DOES notice Moze’sdistress and worries about it, but is torn from defending his best friend ofmany decades to defending his beloved son. After he remembers how he alwaysyearned to be an adult his younger self needed, he goes off to confront Emilyfor her actions. Now I have to tell you, they both loved Moze, but they areindeed terrible parents with flaws they didn’t properly addressed, leading totheir kid suffering for it (considering Trellis has little proper adult guidanceand Emily is also emotionally neglected by Karen… It’s inevitable). That’swhere he realized Moze was just “taken” and Emily never bothered to search forhis parents. Trellis nearly broke down then and there because he realizes theySTOLE Moze. Moze is a Ghensepta (citizen of Ghen-7, it still hasn’t fallen tothe shadows yet), but he was raised Alledian, taught Alledian culture, taughtAlledian history when he already has ONE of his OWN. Moze was forced to take anidentity that wasn’t his and was absolutely isolated from his real culture andheritage. He is horribly sickened by what he and Emily has done and is outragedby it.

(Trellis’s and Emily’s relationship isn’t abusive per se, andit was genuinely a good one from the start but as they spent of the timeseparated from one another and be desensitized and cynical by their traumaticand heavy issues they encounter in their duties in either ruling or fighting…Well, it dissolved to the point that they only bothered to listen to oneanother because of past yearnings and insistence to try to stick of what they wereinstead of accepting the other as now. They still do care one another though,and consider each other family, but the former passion and harmony is long gone.Trellis do ended up going along to what Emily desires instead of protestingback in the good ol days)

Trellis demands that Moze be returned to his home planet butEmily declines, as they are his parents now and Ghen-7 will be safe no longer. Whatkind of parent that endangers their child? Trellis dissents that they are not Moze’sparents and that he doesn’t belong to Alledia and deserved to return to hisreal home and family. The argument heated to point it dissolved to a fightwhere Trellis is nearly crippled from Emily’s attack. Her own actions horrifyher, and in the gist of the moment, Trellis begs to understand, that they didMoze wrong, that he’s sick of always compensating for Emily since the start oftheir friendship, and that she at least don’t do it for him, but for Moze. ThatMoze still loves her, and she undoubtedly loves him, but they need to talk, andshe needs to listen this time. That Moze was hurting and that they failed himlike the adults in their lives failed them. Realizing the truth, Emily breaksdown as well. The thing is, Moze overheard some of their fight, andmisinterprets this as Trellis becoming sick of him, hating him, and desiring todisown him (it doesn’t help that to Moze’s unawareness, that Ikol is amplifyinghis self-hatred)

Utterly heartbroken and crushed, Moze felt sick when Trellisvisited him in his room that night, to tell him that he has to go with hismother for a while. Believing this affirms his worst fears, he promptly acceptsit (Moze prefers Trellis over Emily clearly and loathes spending time with thelatter). Trellis looks like he wants to say something and Moze was about toanticipate it, but he shakes his head, and leaves him alone. The last timeTrellis saw Moze was when he was leaving with his mother

When Emily returns, Trellis is overjoyed to greet her,although surprised they got back early but presumes that they must have quicklyresolved things.

He stops dead when Emily was there alone, with Moze’stattered blue cape.  

His whole world shatters when Emily disappears to get Mozeback when he lost control, never to return. 

Destroyed by his son’s and best friend’s death within ashort span of time, Trellis fell into depression and suicidal tendencies,abandoning his position and duties as both Guardian and King, leaving a powervacuum and a fragile peace and structure his Cabinet and other offices try tofill and stabilize. Ultimately Riva is forced to shoulder his position asGuardian. The entire world goes into a shitshow when he’s gone for 3-4 years,isolating himself in his home village with only Luger keeping him from killinghimself but it’s clear he’s lost the will to live. He only returns when Gulfenis threatened to be overthrown by a tyrant and start another war again, andonce again usurps the throne to his great reluctance and despair (he hatesruling tbh and would rather live a normal life til he dies but duty has brandedhim to the bone), becoming Alledia’s sole ruler as the only remainingstonekeeper alive (the motherstone is actually still intact but no one knowsthat except him, because they are saving the stones for a new Council once the500 years of peace passed and the cycle of discord becomes anew). However,traumatized with rollercoaster of recovery and relapses and mental healtheducation and treatment virtually next to nonexistent yet, he spent most of hisearly reign with and emotional limp. Navin, last of the original group asideTrellis and his first friends, dies. 

Fortunately, he’s REALLY good at ruling and ended upimplementing laws that revolutionizes Alledia, especially Gulfen, but strugglesto implement it in other countries, especially Windsor due to racism and many ofthe country’s authority resisting him, and thus simply left them to their owndevices if they desire to implement it or not. Thus, his power as a Guardian isreduced considerably because of it, meeting resistance and suspicion ineverything that he does, no matter how well-intentioned. Still, believing thefight is not over, Trellis the forms strategies and plans to prepare Allediawhen the shadows return, and that includes warnings of rising fascism and discord.He prioritizes public education, equal rights (be it in gender, sexuality,disability or race), and (mental, physical, and emotional) health oversecurity, intending to help Alledia recover first before preparing for a war.He also tries to unify Gulfen by solving the divide of the East and West after itscivil war, and tries to harmonize and fix the racism that divides the elves andhumans, by allowing elves to reside in more friendly cities, such as Lucien,Ippo, and Frontera. Cielis, hated by the surface due to their actions andabandonment in the war, was dropped as Windsor’s capital and acknowledgesLucien instead. It became Alledia’s first metropolis, boasting as the richestand most diverse city in the world.

With that in mind, he forms the Lufenian Green Cross (acharity volunteer organization that spreads welfare and healthy internationally,its HQ based in Ippo, Lufen’s capital), Frontera Science Prefecture (and whereGulfen’s Space Program members aka the Elvem Resistance operated in secret to assistwith the war in space), and the Alledian Auxiliary, a cohesive paramilitaryorganization that is formed by the remnants of the Elf Army and the HumanResistance (sure enough, early days were bad but over time formed a s trongbond, contributing to the Hamony movement). He’s done a whole lot more but let’smove the fuck on

Eventually, around 23 he started dating Riva (after dating afew people to test the waters. He’s dated only three people before Riva, but he’sdated both men and women, human and elf), and then marrying her after a fewyears. It was a private ceremony, but Alcyone claims it was the only day shenever saw Trellis frown and was happy throughout. Still, he never fullyrecovered from his PTSD and clinical depression and anxiety, often overworkinghimself to compensate. Although as mental health becomes more widespread andrefined, Trellis allows himself to go to therapy, but struggles to recover.Succeses are far and few in between, and healing was hard work on top of hisoverwhelming duties. Nevertheless, he actually manages a happy and healthy marriagewith Riva regardless of his deep rooted mental issues thanks to it. Riva andTrellis never never had any children, as Trellis was far too traumatized and guilt-riddenfrom what happened to Moze, believes himself to be a curse like his father towhoever his child may be. Yet feeling like he owes Riva, they eventually haveRavis when they are around their 40s (in Elf age, so 300 after the events inAmulet).

Trellis didn’t want Ravis to suffer and experience thedangers of Royal life, thus kept the existence of the child secret and keptthem both in Lucien as simple citizens, with him separating personal life and leaderwork, thus he visits from time to time. But he refused to be more active inraising Ravis in his toddler years in fear of hurting him and guilt yet treatedhim genuinely well (he is also scared of loving him, and then losing him). He onceagain experiences a relapse and isolates himself more, leading to a few suicideattempts. When Ravis is around 5, Trellis’s condition worsens, to the point heis frequently hospitalized and isolated to keep him from his self-destructiveand suicidal tendencies (it happened enough times that the staff knows him wellenough, but he’s never hurt Ravis or Riva). Fortunately, after extensivetherapy, Trellis finally chooses recovery and affirms himself that he is worthyof the good life he is trying to cultivate, now tries to be a more active andgood father to Ravis. And sure enough, he did, absolving himself of mistakes hedid with how he raised Moze (but the fact that Ravis and Moze nearly have thesame personality tells that their kind and rather timid nature comes from him)

He does have relapses from time to time, but now he’s relieving himselfof his duties more and more to leave it to his subordinates in order to spend moretime with his family. Besides, it’s just 400 years, they have a century ofpeace. It comes to the point he’s considering to abdicate his throne and dissolvethe monarchy. Unfortunately, the last gadoba (the plant Riva saved in bk 6)warns him that the shadows are returning much earlier to exact their revengeand commit the genocide they intended from the start. Knowing full well theyaren’t ready, Trellis despairs, that why now of all moments, the moment wherehe is now desiring to live did the gadoba ask him to die to sacrifice himselffor Alledia. But Trellis comes to terms to impending death and plans to facethe shadows on the new moon, which is a month later. Father Hope tells him thathis century will only end under the light of the full moon with his son in hisarms.

He does tell Riva all of this, and she despairs as well, buthe tries to reassure her. He then goes on behind the scenes to prepare Allediaonce he’s gone, all the while spending whatever time he has left with hisfamily. Ravis thought their father was feeling sad, and tries to cheer him up, andalthough he does smile, it cant seem to reach his eyes. Thus, when Trellis isaround his 50s, he suddenly disappeared from his chambers in Valcor, the dooropening to his balcony and into the red rocks bellow. They can’t find his body,and the scene was ruled as suicide.

Thus to answer, Emily is dead, and Trellis is “dead”.

[mifhortunach]

some Unfortunate vague vambling into the void wrt tpf

The book is a grail quest, about ppl - either knowingly or unknowingly - on grail quests, and (with/presuming the small amount that can Ever be discerned about SL) written during/around a time when a grail quest was essentially occurring/could-would be a comfort narrative. Its a surprise (to me at least) that its, as Hopeful(?) as it is*. growth occurs! people move on & move past traumas/big Events(tm)! 

I had wanted to compare it to ‘Inside Llewyn Davis’ for some reason**, but its honestly not especially similar. If one was to take ILD as a starting point, as people/LD trapped in a cycle by the v nature of Who They Are, TPF kinda jumps from that point, or some a point of hitting a level of Rock Bottom and Acting/. For some of the characters its been a more gradual shift into decisive action, (Tracy, ARY Lewis), while w others its a hitting breaking-point/epiphanous kinda thing (Bob, Sid & Danny) - action is Spurred, etc. 

A reading could be taken then, as Action as Redemptive Force, mayhaps***. in certain cases. maybe. Sid & Danny, would probs be the easiest players to be reading this theme from, “fucking up”**** & then immediately deciding ‘yk what! lets find this fckd up old musician dude u/i really loved, and ask him to restart his 60s-70s band but w us in it this time’. SO! then they go from essentially wasting away, getting high & rehashing old routines & watching/critiquing awful (beastiality) pornos, to going on their drug-smuggling funded ‘grail quest’, to meeting & reteaching the dude guitar, to Genuinely /Finding/ the grail - before (thru an act of giving up on Expectations / releasing Bitterness) - giving it up. the previous wallowing / lacking of Authenticity is Absolved though all tht, as is a long standing weirdness between them regarding giving up on what could've been their Original /Actually Lucrative/ band*****. ARY Lewis thru action comes to terms / peace w himself even tho he Doesn't find his grail, Tracy finds a kinda “peace” thru a ‘mortifying ordeal of being known’ thing, etc etc. The man (SG Lee) loves his Things Bigger Than The Self stuff i guess.

As a theme this can maybe Also be seen in reverse/inversion, w Abby (p fckn minor character), not rly being Unredeemed or anything, mostly bc she starts off as one of the ppl Least in the gutter. but from the like, glances/vignettes of her once she leaves the main story ( “[god] has a hack screenwriter’s sense of drama” ), shes now set a drift in a way tht she kinda wasn't before, and as it goes on loses diff aspects of control/certainties in her own life. i don't think shes mabs treated as sympathetically as she maybe ought to be? could the loss of these things be read into as a weird punishment for /NOT/ going on or supporting ppl going on grail quests******** ? idk ! or idk, the ending w PR running off bc he's finally found that cigerette end, and her then missing the Avril Lavigne’s hit early 00s song ‘sk8r boy’ reminiscent bit w S&D ringing her up to send her audio of the 1st of the New round tabyls’ gigs, might be read as her still being Stuck/. everyone else has (to one degree or another) improved their position since the start of the book, except her, as the only thing she now no longer has is a deadweight boyfriend and his kinda grody bffl, otherwise everything is The Same.  

Not surprised tht he (i think?) doesn't think its necessarily aged well? or. that it is no longer Quite as Relevant bc of the internet & stuff - idrk if thats Properly True******* - both bc that kinda thing can Just About still happen, but also bc if there wasn't a p minor mention of 1997 being in the past, you'd probs assume it was set earlier. ditto some of the concerns wrt oh, You Know, fckn, Exoticism/native american/shaman stuff - which i don't think is bad/ignorant/racist! but its always difficult to tell, and everything (but which i legit mean Everything/ in Gen, in The World) could use more Nuance.  

I had smth else i wanted to say, but I've forgotten what it is tbqh - & ofc, this has mostly been an exercise in Thought ReHashment(tm). It might've been that the ending seems Terribly/ Tidy. like, i don't think there could BE another ending? but its very Neat: the Bad are punished, some leads are paired off in a (presumably) cishet coupling, bad feelings are trowelled up & buried, the bois remake a hot, niche & authentic band, Luther Peyote can play the guitar again: Picture Perfect. Its an ending that fits, its an ending tht (i think? idk Anything abt this kinda thing) puts emphasis on the quest-y stuff, and the poss redemption angle; but it feels like a far remove from the kinda squalor of the first while - which is probs another point in its favour, rip.*********   

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*not to say/imply (ofc! ofc!!) tht this might be seen as somewhat ooc of stewart lee, but it still kinda caught me off-guard. poss bc its a Very Tidy wrap-up, and it happens quite fast, i felt. but tht might just be the time that in it. 

**this reason may have been qs of #authenticity! or maybe just bc things/backgrounds/the world are kinda gross

*** “almost. action as redemptive force (as a form off faith/belief? faith/belief as redemptive force - if not in a god, in the World or Others?)” -> thats from the Even Worse! orig version of this, lmao. but also Action as a way of Escape/breaking a cycle

****for want of a better descrip

***** the orig uhm, idfk, them lemon boys, could probs be read into - if one Wanted to read too much into these things mabs - as some kinda weird parallel to the original On The Hour stuff(?) w AL vs L&H, & how they Didn't get royalties/whatever was up there. you'd never be able to be either Accurate or Sure about that though, even w certain traits of S&D being p clearly lifted from L&H, or old SL routines - theyre not Explicit or Perfect cyphers/inserts yk?******

****** following on! (if i may) some of the. not /Tension/,, but smth similar, w S&D often feels. not truly emotionally resolved? or just like, Unclear/ at times. the whole novel speeds up a fair bit once more than 2 (two) characters have to be properly juggled in a scene. [which is to say tht in some real Old L&H interviews, (usually in the ones where L isn't present, lmao) RH says tht SL gets ‘embarrassed’ by having to directly explore how ppl might feel about each other/relationships yk? can't say thats necessarily true! but it Is smth i couldn't help thinking about. but emotional exploration & openness is also the realm of fanfic, so maybe I'm asking too much, fgdksh] 

*******im trying not to use the word ‘necessarily’ here again

******** for the small sum of €5 a month, you too could support a pilgrim on a grail quest

*********tho tbf, could also v much be influenced by the whole thing being written over the better part of a decade, place/s while writing & stuff yk? idfk

[yasuda-yoshiya]

So, KH3 is over.

Wow. That sure was a thing.

Closing reflections on both the game and the series as a whole below.

I guess I’m not even really surprised that Xion pretty much got a whole five minutes of screentime in the end after all that build-up. Don’t know what else I expected, Nomura...

You know, KH has always been terrible at pacing, but I still can’t quite believe just how much nothing happened in the first ~20 hours! The Disney filler is fine and all (I mean, the game wouldn’t sell without it), but I have to admit that the initial rush of childish excitement at getting new KH content started to wear pretty thin after four or five worlds of it. Games like KH2 and BBS at least tended to break things up with some big plot events halfway through, right?! I feel like this game really would have benefited a lot from having some kind of breather somewhere in the middle, even if it was just a matter of moving things like the Aqua/Ventus rescue up a bit earlier. They really had to cram a lot into those last few hours, and a lot of things ended up feeling more rushed than they really needed to be as a result. But for all the game’s flaws, in the end I still felt like I was able to leave the characters I cared about most on a satisfying note, and I think I’m content with that.

I really loved the way Axel was portrayed in this game! I feel like they hit a pretty good balance with him in the sense that, yes, he’s obviously realised that he messed up horribly and wants to do better, but he still totally feels like Axel. He’s still very much an obviously flawed and self-centered person who still habitually puts his own emotional needs above others, still wants to frame himself as the hero of the story who will obviously be the one to save Roxas in the end - and I love that the game itself never really buys into that framing. There is honestly not a single scene in this game where I felt like the emphasis was on what a cool and good person Axel is. His constant apologies to Kairi feel incredibly uncomfortable, like he’s very clumsily trying to finally hold himself accountable for what he’s done but still has absolutely no idea to actually handle it. His boasts about being a Keyblade wielder feel like empty arrogant bluster that never really gets backed up. When he pointedly interrupts the big cast reunion to scream “Um, hello, what about ME?!”, it seems more petty and ridiculous than anything. And when we get to the final battle, he repeatedly and consistently fails, on every count. He tries to have a big badass moment rebelling against Xemnas, but Xemnas totally beats his ass, and in the end it’s Roxas and Xion who have to jump in to save him, not the other way around. He has absolutely nothing to do with saving Roxas, or bringing him and Xion back, or even dealing with Saix, despite how much he heatedly promised that he was going to totally do all those things.

In the end, the real crux of his arc feels like that moment where Xion tells him to step back and leave it to them, and Axel just smiles and admits that, yeah, when it came down to it, the two of them were always stronger than him. They don’t need him, and they never did. I love that so, so much. I love the way that when the three of them are left alone together after the battle, he’s just so obviously awkward and uncomfortable and has no idea what to say, until the three of them all just finally break down crying and hugging each other. It felt so totally genuine and powerful and heartfelt, and I couldn’t have asked for more. I really appreciated Axel’s acknowledgement at the end that they had a lot to sort out, and I expect they probably still do, and a lot of it’s probably going to be messy and painful and difficult - but I’m also fine with us not getting to see that onscreen or with the game dwelling on it too much, because in the end, what’s really important as far as the series’ themes go is that they’re all finally here and alive and free to be themselves, and the ending rightly puts the final emphasis on that - on the sheer joy and wonder of them finally being able to live in the world, as people, to be happy and confident in themselves and who they are. Xion showing up at the tower in those beautiful clothes was the point where I pretty much just started crying my eyes out and couldn’t stop for the entire credits sequence. I love that the framing of their final scenes doesn’t really put any real special emphasis on Axel at all; it makes it feel like their happy ending isn’t really about them reuniting with him as a trio (in the way that, say, the BBS trio’s ending is very much framed), it’s about a much broader sense of them being able to live, and to experience the joy of living, with all that entails - that he’s just one of many friends for them now, and that the days of their messed up co-dependent relationship where they all had to desperately cling on to each other to feel human are hopefully over. The only thing I don’t really like about it in the end is Saix being there, but hey, nothing’s perfect. I do wish that things like Xion’s return had been a bit less rushed, and that her and Roxas had more screentime than they did, but all in all, I feel like I definitely got the closure I wanted, and I’m overjoyed with it.

As for the rest of the game... well, I’d be lying if I said the overall plot wasn’t pretty much a giant incoherent mess overall - the finale had way too much crammed into it, a ton of the antagonists seemed to do sudden 180s at the end for no reason, and it was an absolutely terrible choice to spend such a huge amount of time on obvious sequel hooks and cliffhangers (the black box, Subject X, Marluxia and co secretly being ancient keyblade warriors or whatever the hell Chi is doing) in a game that should really have been firmly focused on giving closure to the existing arcs after all these years - but... well, it’s Nomura, and it’s Kingdom Hearts. I don’t think I really expected anything else. But I did feel like the game was generally charming and enjoyable on a moment-to-moment level, the quality of the dialogue and cutscene direction felt like a big step up for the series, and I did actually enjoy the sheer scope and ambition of the final boss rush for what it was. It was absolutely a mess, but it felt like a sort of final celebration of the series and its characters that made me feel really excited and nostalgic in a sort of “bringing out my inner twelve-year-old” way, and there were a lot of great individual moments in there - the RXA reunion, Repliku’s sacrifice, Sora apologising to Namine - that genuinely did manage to hit hard and leave an impact. I guess at this point, KH has been ongoing for so long that it’s just inevitably exciting to see all these stories finally coming to a conclusion instead of just stalling at the same point forever, however weird the execution.

The one big thing I’d say they totally dropped the ball on was the BBS trio; their resolutions just felt completely empty to me, way too easy and simplistic and without any real consequences or acknowledgement of things like Aqua’s fall to darkness and how it impacted on her, or Terra’s rock-bottom self-esteem and the ways Aqua and Eraqus contributed to that. (Hell, when Ansem and Xemnas’s last words gave me much stronger Terra feelings than Terra’s actual resolution did, something must have gone terribly wrong!) They weren’t really ever my favourite characters, so I’m not too upset about it, but I still think they deserved better than they got. And I pretty much just tuned out all the nonsense at the end with Kairi’s unbelievably transparent and cynical fridging (”You require motivation” oh my god get lost!!) and the drama over Sora being separated from her again becuse I just...really didn’t care any more. I’m sorry, I just didn’t. Those two can keep cycling through their same old boring plot forever if they want to, I just don’t care!! I actually barely even noticed Sora disappearing at the end because I was too busy crying over Xion, lmao. Thank god my favourite characters don’t have to live inside those two losers any more. They are free from their nonsense now, and so am I.

So, how do I feel about the series as a whole, coming out of KH3? I’ve spent quite a bit of time revisiting and reflecting back on the older games in the run-up to KH3′s release, and honestly, I think my opinion coming out is more or less the same as it was coming in. I can’t really honestly say that the series as a whole is good, and it’s probably not at all worth the investment for anyone new to the series trying to get into it now - but I do feel that there is genuinely a lot of good stuff in there among all the nonsense, and I’d have to say that my personal experience growing up with the series and following it all these years has been an overwhelmingly positive one, overall.

KH1 was a very conventional shounen story, but a charming and beautifully told one. CoM was a genuinely unique and unsettling game that pulled apart KH1 in a ton of interesting ways, and even if the series didn’t have the guts to really keep going with the ideas it set up, I still feel that it was really interesting and cool as a standalone. KH2 was a mess, but it was an epic mess that I totally loved and obsessed over as a twelve-year-old, and it set up some genuinely fascinating concepts with Roxas, the Nobodies and the Organization which 358/2 Days went on to capitalise on incredibly well. I genuinely find 358/2 Days to be a game that still has a lot of power and resonance for me even now; it’s probably the only KH game I’d say I wholeheartedly respect and admire from a writing perspective, and I still love how comprehensively it tears apart everything KH2 was trying to say (in a way that the series totally was willing to run with and expand on, unlike CoM, which even 10 years later is still kind of unbelievable to me). BBS’s writing was a big step down from Days, but there were still a lot of really cool and interesting characters and concepts in there, and even if KH3 ultimately failed to stick the landing on them, I’d still say that a lot of what the game tried to communicate with Terra’s character in particular has continued to stick with me. Re:coded and DDD were both pretty silly, but they were still totally fun and addictive games (debugging system sectors was great fun, and I can’t hate anything as transparently Pokemon-derivative as the Dream Eaters), and I loved how they both so unapologetically continued down the path Days set up in kicking KH2′s original conclusions about Nobodies to the curb. And KH3, for all its missteps, still managed to cap off the character arcs and themes that I most cared about in a way that was ultimately satisfying to me. The overarching plot might have been absolute nonsense, and the series more often than not a ridiculous and filler-bloated mess, but in the end I really can’t feel anything but happy and positive memories when I look back on any of these games. I can’t really hold the series’ flaws against it too much when it’s brought me so much joy over all these years.

I think the one thing I love and appreciate most about the series, looking back now, really is just how willing they were to scream from the rooftops that the sacrifices Roxas and Xion were pushed into making were categorically wrong, that they deserved to be their own people, right through to the very end. In the end, the series was already pretty much irreversibly going down the path of bringing them back and giving them their own happy endings by the end of DDD - which was amazing - so in the end all KH3 really had to do for me to love it was to just complete that obvious final step, and I was more or less guaranteed to be okay with whatever other nonsense it might do. But even so, there was a part of me that still couldn’t quite believe it seeing their happy ending at the end of KH3; I still almost couldn’t process that this was actually real, that they actually seriously did it. KH2 so obviously wanted its players to uncritically take Roxas’s choice to go back to being part of Sora as a good thing, and even Days left a heck of a lot of wiggle room for people to read Xion’s willingness to sacrifice herself as a positive choice, rather than something she very clearly did not want but was forced to convince herself was okay because she simply wasn’t given any other viable options.

And this kind of goofy shounen-adjacent series having a lot of disturbing and uncomfortable subtext beneath the surface of its seemingly conventional plotlines isn’t exactly a rare thing in itself, but I feel like it’s pretty uncommon to see a series like this go so far in explicitly bringing out that subtext and making it into text - unambiguously shouting from the rooftops and making it outright unavoidable canon that, no, Days was in fact not just a tragic story about people with no hearts who were always just tragically doomed from the start to sacrifice themselves and return to the “real people” they came from, but was in fact a story about perfectly real and complete and valuable people being subtly and systematically brainwashed into believing that they had no hearts and were less real and valid and important than others, about the horrible things those kinds of beliefs can do to people and about force them to willingly dehumanise both themselves and others to cope. Xion’s story was not a beautiful tale about accepting her true nature as a part of Sora’s memories and willingly returning to him, it was a story about a person who absolutely deserved and wanted to live for herself having her entire identity and self-confidence crushed and destroyed, about her being pushed into becoming actively suicidal even by perfectly “well-meaning” people. Roxas’s tragedy was in fact not just that he “didn’t get to meet Sora himself” before getting assimilated back into him - him being assimilated into someone else in the first place was the tragedy, because giving his own independently developed self up should never have to be something anyone has to do. Namine merging with Kairi was not a beautiful happy ending, it was an incredibly depressed and guilt-ridden person taking the first excuse she had to fade away because she no longer saw any value in herself and her existence, and Sora and Kairi uncritically validated that perception of herself by accepting her merge with Kairi as right in a way that they absolutely shouldn’t have.

None of this is reduced to subtext or interpretation, KH makes it all outright canon by implication - and not only makes it canon but actively sets up the entire main thrust of its epic multi-game arc to be about setting these mistakes right and bringing these people back and validating them as full human beings in their own right. And honestly, I just think that’s incredible. I love it, and I’ll always be grateful for it, and a huge part of what lets me keep coming back to games like 358/2 Days and still being able to fully appreciate them even now is having that knowledge that these interpretations are not just me reading too much into the text, but that they have been outright objectively confirmed as the correct readings within the series itself, over and over again, and only more and more and more explicitly and unavoidably as time has gone on. I honestly can’t express how much it means to me that KH is so loud and unambiguous about how much it loves and values and holds up these people as real and important, whatever their origins, whatever the fanbase might have to say about how bringing them back is “fanservice” and “ruining their original conclusions”. It’s so important to me, and I’m so thankful for it.

So yes, overall, I think I’m content with this game, and with the series in general! As long-awaited series finales go, I’ll definitely take it over things like Homestuck and Zero Escape’s efforts any day. I feel pretty much happy ending my time with the series on this note, and while I probably will still end up checking out whatever Nomura does next, I think it will probably be more out of vague curiosity than any strong investment by now, which is fine - the plotlines I cared about most within the series have now been pretty definitively closed, to my satisfaction, and I doubt anything else it does will manage to interest me nearly as much, but I’m sure I’ll still be willing to pop in again in a few years anyway for old times’ sake. For now, I am free, and I’d have to say that feels pretty good! I’m willing to forgive Kingdom Hearts a lot just because it’s brought me so much joy over the years, and I can’t think of any other series that has managed to stay emotionally significant to me for as much of my life as this one has. So in the end, all I can say is: thank you, Tetsuya Nomura! Keep on co-opting those beloved Disney movies to indulge your absurdly convoluted shounen anime nonsense, you wonderful, ridiculous man.

[graciecatfamilyband]

Be Gone, KFKD

The other day, @lajulie24 made a post about that radio station that plays in creator's ears and talks sh*t about them, termed KFKD by Anne Lamott in one of her classic books on writing). You can and should read @lajulie24 's beautiful post on this and plea for fellow fanfic writers to continue to write through the radio noise here. Here is a relevant excerpt, however:

KFKD (yes, that’s short for K-Fucked) is a concept from Anne Lamott in her book on writing, Bird by Bird. (It’s a great book, incidentally.) It’s an imaginary radio station that plays in every writer’s—nay, every artist’s—ears. In one ear: concertos and symphonies about how insanely talented and special and misunderstood and gifted one is and all the accolades and talk show appearances and words of praise that will be coming one’s way; in the other, the greatest hits of every mistake one has made over a lifetime, songs of doubt, hymns of self-loathing, warning tones that soon the jig will be up and everyone will find out what an utter worthless fraud one is.

...sometimes it just wants to play and play and play and make us simultaneously doubt ourselves and feel underappreciated and unseen.

I wanted to share some strategies I myself use to help turn down KFCK, just in case they could benefit anyone else. I’d also love other people to comment or reblog with their strategies!

I also tried to stick to “I” language more than “you” language since this is just what works for me. Sorry if I bore you with too much detail about my writing process or come off as self-centered as a result D: (and for the self-talk that calls me a “we”  not crazy, I promise. Or am I....?).

Some Strategies I Find Helpful for Turning Down KFCK:

1. Tapping In To Why I Write

Maybe this is because I see myself as a "new" writer- I don't know that I've written fiction on the page in the last 10 years, and even then, it was very rare for me (although I have years of 'in my head' practice) but every story I write begins with a question: "Can I do this?"

Sometimes I'm more confident as I sit down to type my first brainstorm or draft ("Yeah, i totally can") sometimes less, but I have to confess, I'm never totally sure.

And I really do genuinely want to find out.

There are even times I truly feel like the answer is, "No, I can't do this."

Then I tell myself, "Well, it feels that way, but we did this much and it's not finished yet. I bet we can at least finish it even if it's not what we want. Even if it's so far from what we want that we think it's a failure. Actually, that's a really interesting question- if I can't actually do this, what WILL it look like when it's finished? Will it be a failure? What does that even mean, if it's finished? That's at least worth finding out, because I'm really curious."

So far, this approach has helped me finish, and at the end I haven't failed by any of my own personal standards!

2. Knowing My Writing Process

At some point- usually at least at two point- I will hate whatever I'm writing. This is not linked to whatever is on the page; sometimes it happens when my draft is still very weak, but just as often it happens when there's a lot of great stuff going on and there are some fixable problems. It's not really about what's on the page; it's usually about where I'm at. The draft is looking different than I imagined (LITERALLY ALWAYS), or I'm not sure if I can do the next step well, or I've been working too much on it at once and need a break, or my brain is just Doing The Thing.

I have learned this by watching myself and noticing that I cycle, kind of like this:

IDEA. --> BRAINSTORM/FREEWRITING. THIS IS GONNA BE KILLLLEEER YAS. --> Omg wait. Is this great or terribly stupid? I literally can't tell. Omg. If I can't tell, it's stupid. It's stupid. But I kind of like it? No, it's terrible. --> okay, well, we're gonna keep working and see what happens --> Not bad not bad --> OMG ITS STUPID --> OMG IM ON FIRE I LOVE IT --> Not bad Not bad --> I HATE THIS PIECE I WILL NEVER LIKE IT --> Nice job, self, really nice job.

It varies a lot, but that's a good gist.

The great thing about knowing this cycle is that- while the emotions are always there- they have much less power. "Oh, hello, Hatred. You were bound to show up eventually. Why don't you sit in this corner and have some tea while Mommy works, huh?" Hating what I'm writing (at least in this short-term way I'm describing) DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING IS UNUSUALLY WRONG WITH THE PIECE AT WHATEVER STAGE I'M IN. Its just my brain's roadblock it tries to throw up. Which means I can ignore it rather than engage with it. "Shhh, Hatred, play quietly, Mommy's working."

For those of you who have seen How I Met Your Mother, it's like the tape jammed into Marshall's car that only plays The Proclaimer’s 500 Miles. On road trips the characters love it and jam to it, they hate it and despair, they love it and jam to it, and hate it and despair, in an endless cycle.

Hating the song right now? As Marshall says, “Don’t worry… it comes around again”.

3. I Find a Friend - or Two - or Five

We hear this all the time, right? Find a beta who you trust to help you improve your work, blah blah blah, and while I can't emphasize the enough the truth and wisdom of that, it's not quite what I mean here.

I'm talking about cheerleaders and partners-in-crime. This can be the same person as a critical beta (although if so *I* let them know I don't need that part of them right now, I need them in a different, supportive role) or another person. The OMG YES friend. The person you can go to who will whisper DEW IT when you need it most.

"I was going to participate in this fandom thing, but I'm nervous. Let's do it together?" (This one works extra well if it's someone you want to read more from, muwahaha.)

"I have this idea. Do you think I should write it or nah?"

"I'm halfway through this story and I'm not sure if it's worth finishing. What do you think?"

My favorite kind of writing friend is the one who can tell me what I'm doing *well* as much as poorly, especially in an early draft when I'm not sure if the story has legs. "No, keep going, I really like what you're doing with X and I really want to know what happens with Y." "Omg that's such a funny bit. I'd love more of that." Etc.

4. What Do I Want, As A Reader? / What Would I Tell Another Author? 

This one is pretty self-evident: If another writer came to me with the concerns I’m having, what would I say to them? If another writer were considering giving up on a piece because other writers had done something similar, what would I tell them? 

I think most of us would note the reasons that we WOULD want a piece from another author! Most of us want to see that one trope in a new way for the 10th time because we love it, most of us love to see all the different creative takes on an idea, etc. Most of us are able to see this so clearly as readers, and struggle to see it as writers. 

(I literally pretend I’m talking to another author / tell myself whatever I would tell them.)

4. How Might Another Author Feel If They Heard Me Talking This Way?

The flip side of the above thing is, what would someone who both a) wants to write themselves, and b) genuinely likes my writing, think if they heard me talking like this? 

I know when I hear writers that I respect get down on themselves- especially really get down on themselves- it makes me feel like I shouldn’t be writing at all. If So-and-So’s stuff isn’t good enough, how could mine ever be? 

I would never want to make someone feel that way if they were trying to write, so why would I say that kind of stuff to myself? 

5. The There’s Always Someone Principal

I may think what I write is vastly inferior to So-and-So’s piece, but usually I find that for every two pieces that are similar or have similar themes, someone likes each of those pieces better than the other. It’s incredibly likely that someone out there may actually like mine better, insane though it might sound. There are all sorts of tastes out there! And really, usually: both pieces have significant things to offer.  

(Also worth noting: Its possible- likely even- that that other author you feel intimidated by might feel intimidated by YOU.)

6. Telling Jokes to Myself (Sometimes About Myself)

If you ever see my posts apparently despairing about my writing process (like this one here), fear not! I'm just engaging in my tactic of making fun of myself while I write. LOL. Its not as toxic as it sounds (for me at least- if its toxic for you, DON’T DO IT)! I find that, for whatever reason, making fun of myself takes the pressure off 100% and lets me enjoy the writing process more. So if you see me doing it, feel free to like, feel free to ignore. Send encouragement if you literally can’t help it, but “haha, lol, writing is so weird” is a totally fine response! 

[travelguy4444]

The Atlas of Happiness: Discovering the World’s Secret to Happiness with Helen Russell

Posted: 4/4/2019 | April 4th, 2019

A few years ago, I read the book The Year of Living Danishly by Helen Russell. I think it originally came up as a suggested book on Amazon. I can’t fully remember. But, I stuck it in my queue, ordered it, and it sat on my bookshelf until it was time to read it. I couldn’t put it down. It was funny, well written, interesting, and an insightful look into Danish culture. It was one of my favorite books I read that year.

Last year, I somehow convinced Helen to speak at TravelCon and got to meet her in person. Now, she has a new book out called The Atlas of Happiness. It’s about why people in certain places are happier than others. It’s a phenomenal book (you should get it). Today, Helen shares some of what she learned in researching that book!

Here’s a funny thing: if you’ve been online today for more than a fraction of a second, you may have started to get the sense that the world is A Terrible Place. Even the committed traveler with an open mind could be forgiven for thinking that the outlook is pretty bleak.

And if you’ve seen the headlines today or been on social media and you’re feeling low as a result, you’re not alone.

It’s easy to get the idea that the world is becoming more miserable by the minute and that happiness is a luxury in these troubled times.

But over the past six years, I’ve learned that there are people all around the world finding ways to stay happy, every day. And that happiness is something we’re hardwired to seek out – wherever we are.

I started researching happiness in 2013 when I relocated from the UK to Denmark. I’d spent 12 years living and working in London as a journalist, and I had no intention of leaving, until out of the blue one wet Wednesday, my husband came home and told me he’d been offered his dream job…working for Lego in rural Jutland. I was skeptical to start with — I had a good career, a nice flat, great friends, close family — I had a life.

Okay, so my husband and I both worked long hours, we were tired all the time, and never seemed to be able to see each other very much. We regularly had to bribe ourselves to get through the day and we’d both been ill on and off for the past six months.

But that was normal, right?

We thought we were ‘living the dream.’ I was 33 years old and we’d also been trying for a baby for as long as either of us could remember, enduring years of fertility treatment, but we were always so stressed that it never quite happened.

So when my husband was offered a job in Denmark, this ‘other life’ possibility was dangled in front of us — the chance to swap everything we knew for the unknown. Denmark had just been voted the world’s happiest country in the UN’s annual report and I became fascinated by this. How had a tiny country of just 5.5m people managed to pull off the happiest nation on earth title? Was there something in the water? And if we couldn’t get happier in Denmark, where could we get happier?

During our first visit, we noticed that there was something a bit different about the Danes we met. They didn’t look like us, for starters — quite apart from the fact that they were all strapping Vikings towering over my 5’3” frame — they looked more relaxed and healthier. They walked more slowly. They took their time to stop and eat together, or talk, or just…breathe.

And we were impressed.

My Lego Man husband was sold on the idea and begged me to move, promising we’d relocate for my career next time. And I was so worn out by my hectic London life that I found myself agreeing. I quit my job to go freelance and decided I would give it a year, investigating the Danish happiness phenomenon first hand — looking at a different area of living each month to find out what Danes did differently.

From food to family life; work culture to working out; and design to the Danish welfare state — each month I would throw myself into living ‘Danishly’ to see if it made me any happier and if I could change the way I lived as a result. I decided I would interview as many Danes, expats, psychologists, scientists, economists, historians, sociologists, politicians, everyone, in fact, to try to uncover the secrets to living Danishly.

I documented my experiences for two UK newspapers before being asked to write a book: The Year of Living Danishly, Uncovering the Secrets of the World’s Happiest Country.

Since then, I’ve been humbled and moved to hear from readers from across the globe with wide-ranging life perspectives, but the one constant was a need to share the happiness secrets of their own cultures. Some of the themes that sprung out were universal — such as social interactions, exercising out of doors and finding a balance in life — while others were intriguingly unique.

So I set out to research into unique happiness concepts from around the world, interviewing people internationally until The Atlas of Happiness — my new book-baby — was born. It isn’t a compendium of the happiest countries; instead, it’s a look at what’s making people happier in different places. Because if we only look at the countries already coming top of the happiness polls, we miss out on ideas and knowledge from cultures we’re less familiar with.

Nowhere is perfect. Every country has faults. But I wanted to celebrate the best parts of a country’s culture as well as national characteristics at their finest – because that’s what we should all be aiming for.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Did you know, for example, that in Portuguese there’s something called saudade — a feeling of longing, melancholy, and nostalgia for a happiness that once was — or even a happiness you merely hoped for?

And while Brazil may be famous for its carnival spirit, the flipside of this, saudade, is so central to the Brazilian psyche that it’s even been given its own official ‘day’ on the 30th of January every year.

Most of us will have experienced a bittersweet pleasure in moments of melancholy — flicking through old photos, or caring about anyone enough to miss them when they’re gone.

And scientists have found that this temporary sadness — counter-intuitively — makes us happier: providing catharsis; improving our attention to detail; increasing perseverance and promoting generosity. So we should all spend time remembering those we’ve loved and lost — then practice being a little more grateful for the ones still around.

Finland ranked number one in this year’s UN World Happiness report thanks to a great quality of life, free healthcare, and education funded by high taxes.

But there’s also something else the Finns enjoy that’s infinitely more exportable: kalsarikännit — defined as ‘drinking at home in your underwear with no intention of going out’ — a pursuit so popular it even has its own emoji, commissioned by The Finnish Foreign Ministry.

In common with most Scandinavians, Finns aren’t shy about disrobing, and they all have such enviably well-insulated houses that stripping down to their pants is apparently completely okay even when it’s minus 35 degrees outside. What you drink and crucially how much of it you knock back is down to the individual, but it’s a uniquely Finnish form of happiness and mode of relaxation that we can all give a go.

In Greece, they have a concept called meraki that refers to an introspective, precise expression of care, usually applied to a cherished pastime — and it’s keeping Greeks happy despite turbulent times. This is because having a hobby improves our quality of life according to scientists, and challenging ourselves to do something different also creates new neural pathways in our brain. Having a passion that you take pride can be of extra benefit to those who can’t say the same for their primary occupation.

Because meraki can make life worthwhile if your 9-5 is more of a daily grind. Many tasks that need to be taken care of on a day-to-day basis aren’t particularly challenging or inspiring – from filing, to raising purchase orders or even — dare I say it — some of the more gruelling aspects of parenting.

But we can break up the never-ending cycle of mundane work with our own personal challenges — things that we’re passionate about that we can genuinely look forward to doing. Our meraki.

Dolce far niente — or the sweetness of doing nothing — is a much-treasured concept in Italy — often hashtagged on Instagram accompanying pictures of Italians in hammocks. Okay, so Italy hasn’t exactly topped any happiness rankings in recent years, but the cliché of the carefree Italian still exists – and with good reason.

Italians do ‘nothing’ like no other nation and perfecting the art takes style and skill – because there’s more to it than meets the eye. It’s watching the world go by over coffee and a cornetto. It’s laughing at tourists. Or politicians. And crucially it’s about savoring the moment and really enjoying the present. Many of us search for relaxation by traveling to exotic locations, drinking to oblivion, or trying to blot out the noise of modern life.

But Italians let the chaos wash over them. Instead of saving up our ‘fun quota’ for an annual escape, they spread it over the minutes, hours and days throughout the year and ‘enjoy life’ in all its messy reality.

One of the happiest countries in the world, the Norwegians must be doing something right. And quite aside from their enviable Scandi-lifestyles and the safety net of all that oil, Norwegians have a secret ace card up their sleeves: a concept called friluftsliv. This roughly translates as ‘free air life’ and it’s a code of conduct as well as a life goal for most Norwegians – who like to spend time outdoors and get high, as often as possible.

Anyone who’s ever visited the country will know that if you meet a Norwegian out in nature, their objective tends to be the highest mountain nearby – and there’s a saying in Norway that “You must make an effort before you can have pleasure’.

Most Norwegians believe you have to work for things, to earn them with physical endeavors, battling the elements. Only once you’ve climbed a mountain in the rain and cold, can you truly enjoy your dinner. It’s an old fashioned approach to the good life but numerous studies show that using our bodies and getting out into nature as often as possible boosts mental and physical wellbeing.

Which is all very well, on paper. But how to apply these principles and all the things I’d learned in real life? Well, I took it slowly — dolce far niente style. I had to learn not to be the archetypal Londoner, working all hours. Instead, I had to try relaxing once in a while.

Radical, I know.

Next, I got on the hobby train. I found my meraki in pottery, in cooking and trying out new recipes, often inspired by the countries I was researching. Some weeks, we ate well. Others, not so much (my husband still hasn’t forgiven me for ‘Russian month’). I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve done a fair amount of underwear-drinking, too.

The Finnish concept of kalsarikännit and I are now firm friends. And because I was working less and being more mindful of living well and looking after myself, it was relatively easy to adopt the Norwegian ethos of friluftsliv.

So now I try to ask myself: what did I do today? What did I climb? Where did I go? But the biggest mind shift was the realization that to be happy, we have to be comfortable being sad sometimes, too. That we’re at our healthiest and happiest when we can reconcile ourselves to all our emotions, good and bad.

The Portuguese saudade was a game changer for me — helping me to come to terms with the life I thought I’d have and find a way to move on, without resentment or bitterness. Because when you let go of these things, something pretty amazing can happen.

By learning from other cultures about happiness, wellbeing and how to stay healthy (and sane), I found a way to be less stressed than I was in my old life. I developed a better understanding of the challenges and subtleties of coming from another culture. My empathy levels went up. I learned to care, more.

Optimism isn’t frivolous: it’s necessary. You’re travelers. You get this. But we need to spread the word, now, more than ever. Because we only have one world, so it would be really great if we didn’t mess it up.

Hellen Russell is a British journalist, speaker, and the author of the international bestseller The Year of Living Danishly. Her most recent book, The Atlas of Happiness, examines the cultural habits and traditions of happiness around the globe. Formerly the editor of marieclaire.co.uk, she now writes for magazines and newspapers around the world, including Stylist, The Times, Grazia, Metro, and The i Newspaper.

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The post The Atlas of Happiness: Discovering the World’s Secret to Happiness with Helen Russell appeared first on Nomadic Matt's Travel Site.

source https://www.nomadicmatt.com/travel-blogs/atlas-of-happiness/

[vidovicart]

The Atlas of Happiness: Discovering the World’s Secret to Happiness with Helen Russell

Posted: 4/4/2019 | April 4th, 2019

A few years ago, I read the book The Year of Living Danishly by Helen Russell. I think it originally came up as a suggested book on Amazon. I can’t fully remember. But, I stuck it in my queue, ordered it, and it sat on my bookshelf until it was time to read it. I couldn’t put it down. It was funny, well written, interesting, and an insightful look into Danish culture. It was one of my favorite books I read that year.

Last year, I somehow convinced Helen to speak at TravelCon and got to meet her in person. Now, she has a new book out called The Atlas of Happiness. It’s about why people in certain places are happier than others. It’s a phenomenal book (you should get it). Today, Helen shares some of what she learned in researching that book!

Here’s a funny thing: if you’ve been online today for more than a fraction of a second, you may have started to get the sense that the world is A Terrible Place. Even the committed traveler with an open mind could be forgiven for thinking that the outlook is pretty bleak.

And if you’ve seen the headlines today or been on social media and you’re feeling low as a result, you’re not alone.

It’s easy to get the idea that the world is becoming more miserable by the minute and that happiness is a luxury in these troubled times.

But over the past six years, I’ve learned that there are people all around the world finding ways to stay happy, every day. And that happiness is something we’re hardwired to seek out – wherever we are.

I started researching happiness in 2013 when I relocated from the UK to Denmark. I’d spent 12 years living and working in London as a journalist, and I had no intention of leaving, until out of the blue one wet Wednesday, my husband came home and told me he’d been offered his dream job…working for Lego in rural Jutland. I was skeptical to start with — I had a good career, a nice flat, great friends, close family — I had a life.

Okay, so my husband and I both worked long hours, we were tired all the time, and never seemed to be able to see each other very much. We regularly had to bribe ourselves to get through the day and we’d both been ill on and off for the past six months.

But that was normal, right?

We thought we were ‘living the dream.’ I was 33 years old and we’d also been trying for a baby for as long as either of us could remember, enduring years of fertility treatment, but we were always so stressed that it never quite happened.

So when my husband was offered a job in Denmark, this ‘other life’ possibility was dangled in front of us — the chance to swap everything we knew for the unknown. Denmark had just been voted the world’s happiest country in the UN’s annual report and I became fascinated by this. How had a tiny country of just 5.5m people managed to pull off the happiest nation on earth title? Was there something in the water? And if we couldn’t get happier in Denmark, where could we get happier?

During our first visit, we noticed that there was something a bit different about the Danes we met. They didn’t look like us, for starters — quite apart from the fact that they were all strapping Vikings towering over my 5’3” frame — they looked more relaxed and healthier. They walked more slowly. They took their time to stop and eat together, or talk, or just…breathe.

And we were impressed.

My Lego Man husband was sold on the idea and begged me to move, promising we’d relocate for my career next time. And I was so worn out by my hectic London life that I found myself agreeing. I quit my job to go freelance and decided I would give it a year, investigating the Danish happiness phenomenon first hand — looking at a different area of living each month to find out what Danes did differently.

From food to family life; work culture to working out; and design to the Danish welfare state — each month I would throw myself into living ‘Danishly’ to see if it made me any happier and if I could change the way I lived as a result. I decided I would interview as many Danes, expats, psychologists, scientists, economists, historians, sociologists, politicians, everyone, in fact, to try to uncover the secrets to living Danishly.

I documented my experiences for two UK newspapers before being asked to write a book: The Year of Living Danishly, Uncovering the Secrets of the World’s Happiest Country.

Since then, I’ve been humbled and moved to hear from readers from across the globe with wide-ranging life perspectives, but the one constant was a need to share the happiness secrets of their own cultures. Some of the themes that sprung out were universal — such as social interactions, exercising out of doors and finding a balance in life — while others were intriguingly unique.

So I set out to research into unique happiness concepts from around the world, interviewing people internationally until The Atlas of Happiness — my new book-baby — was born. It isn’t a compendium of the happiest countries; instead, it’s a look at what’s making people happier in different places. Because if we only look at the countries already coming top of the happiness polls, we miss out on ideas and knowledge from cultures we’re less familiar with.

Nowhere is perfect. Every country has faults. But I wanted to celebrate the best parts of a country’s culture as well as national characteristics at their finest – because that’s what we should all be aiming for.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Did you know, for example, that in Portuguese there’s something called saudade — a feeling of longing, melancholy, and nostalgia for a happiness that once was — or even a happiness you merely hoped for?

And while Brazil may be famous for its carnival spirit, the flipside of this, saudade, is so central to the Brazilian psyche that it’s even been given its own official ‘day’ on the 30th of January every year.

Most of us will have experienced a bittersweet pleasure in moments of melancholy — flicking through old photos, or caring about anyone enough to miss them when they’re gone.

And scientists have found that this temporary sadness — counter-intuitively — makes us happier: providing catharsis; improving our attention to detail; increasing perseverance and promoting generosity. So we should all spend time remembering those we’ve loved and lost — then practice being a little more grateful for the ones still around.

Finland ranked number one in this year’s UN World Happiness report thanks to a great quality of life, free healthcare, and education funded by high taxes.

But there’s also something else the Finns enjoy that’s infinitely more exportable: kalsarikännit — defined as ‘drinking at home in your underwear with no intention of going out’ — a pursuit so popular it even has its own emoji, commissioned by The Finnish Foreign Ministry.

In common with most Scandinavians, Finns aren’t shy about disrobing, and they all have such enviably well-insulated houses that stripping down to their pants is apparently completely okay even when it’s minus 35 degrees outside. What you drink and crucially how much of it you knock back is down to the individual, but it’s a uniquely Finnish form of happiness and mode of relaxation that we can all give a go.

In Greece, they have a concept called meraki that refers to an introspective, precise expression of care, usually applied to a cherished pastime — and it’s keeping Greeks happy despite turbulent times. This is because having a hobby improves our quality of life according to scientists, and challenging ourselves to do something different also creates new neural pathways in our brain. Having a passion that you take pride can be of extra benefit to those who can’t say the same for their primary occupation.

Because meraki can make life worthwhile if your 9-5 is more of a daily grind. Many tasks that need to be taken care of on a day-to-day basis aren’t particularly challenging or inspiring – from filing, to raising purchase orders or even — dare I say it — some of the more gruelling aspects of parenting.

But we can break up the never-ending cycle of mundane work with our own personal challenges — things that we’re passionate about that we can genuinely look forward to doing. Our meraki.

Dolce far niente — or the sweetness of doing nothing — is a much-treasured concept in Italy — often hashtagged on Instagram accompanying pictures of Italians in hammocks. Okay, so Italy hasn’t exactly topped any happiness rankings in recent years, but the cliché of the carefree Italian still exists – and with good reason.

Italians do ‘nothing’ like no other nation and perfecting the art takes style and skill – because there’s more to it than meets the eye. It’s watching the world go by over coffee and a cornetto. It’s laughing at tourists. Or politicians. And crucially it’s about savoring the moment and really enjoying the present. Many of us search for relaxation by traveling to exotic locations, drinking to oblivion, or trying to blot out the noise of modern life.

But Italians let the chaos wash over them. Instead of saving up our ‘fun quota’ for an annual escape, they spread it over the minutes, hours and days throughout the year and ‘enjoy life’ in all its messy reality.

One of the happiest countries in the world, the Norwegians must be doing something right. And quite aside from their enviable Scandi-lifestyles and the safety net of all that oil, Norwegians have a secret ace card up their sleeves: a concept called friluftsliv. This roughly translates as ‘free air life’ and it’s a code of conduct as well as a life goal for most Norwegians – who like to spend time outdoors and get high, as often as possible.

Anyone who’s ever visited the country will know that if you meet a Norwegian out in nature, their objective tends to be the highest mountain nearby – and there’s a saying in Norway that “You must make an effort before you can have pleasure’.

Most Norwegians believe you have to work for things, to earn them with physical endeavors, battling the elements. Only once you’ve climbed a mountain in the rain and cold, can you truly enjoy your dinner. It’s an old fashioned approach to the good life but numerous studies show that using our bodies and getting out into nature as often as possible boosts mental and physical wellbeing.

Which is all very well, on paper. But how to apply these principles and all the things I’d learned in real life? Well, I took it slowly — dolce far niente style. I had to learn not to be the archetypal Londoner, working all hours. Instead, I had to try relaxing once in a while.

Radical, I know.

Next, I got on the hobby train. I found my meraki in pottery, in cooking and trying out new recipes, often inspired by the countries I was researching. Some weeks, we ate well. Others, not so much (my husband still hasn’t forgiven me for ‘Russian month’). I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve done a fair amount of underwear-drinking, too.

The Finnish concept of kalsarikännit and I are now firm friends. And because I was working less and being more mindful of living well and looking after myself, it was relatively easy to adopt the Norwegian ethos of friluftsliv.

So now I try to ask myself: what did I do today? What did I climb? Where did I go? But the biggest mind shift was the realization that to be happy, we have to be comfortable being sad sometimes, too. That we’re at our healthiest and happiest when we can reconcile ourselves to all our emotions, good and bad.

The Portuguese saudade was a game changer for me — helping me to come to terms with the life I thought I’d have and find a way to move on, without resentment or bitterness. Because when you let go of these things, something pretty amazing can happen.

By learning from other cultures about happiness, wellbeing and how to stay healthy (and sane), I found a way to be less stressed than I was in my old life. I developed a better understanding of the challenges and subtleties of coming from another culture. My empathy levels went up. I learned to care, more.

Optimism isn’t frivolous: it’s necessary. You’re travelers. You get this. But we need to spread the word, now, more than ever. Because we only have one world, so it would be really great if we didn’t mess it up.

Hellen Russell is a British journalist, speaker, and the author of the international bestseller The Year of Living Danishly. Her most recent book, The Atlas of Happiness, examines the cultural habits and traditions of happiness around the globe. Formerly the editor of marieclaire.co.uk, she now writes for magazines and newspapers around the world, including Stylist, The Times, Grazia, Metro, and The i Newspaper.

Book Your Trip: Logistical Tips and Tricks

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The post The Atlas of Happiness: Discovering the World’s Secret to Happiness with Helen Russell appeared first on Nomadic Matt's Travel Site.

[entergamingxp]

Achievements or Trophies • Eurogamer.net

Five of the Best is a weekly series about the small details we rush past when we’re playing but which shape a game in our memory for years to come. Details like the way a character jumps or the title screen you load into, or the potions you use and maps you refer back to. We’ve talked about so many in our Five of the Best series so far. But there are always more.

Five of the Best works like this. Various Eurogamer writers will share their memories in the article and then you – probably outraged we didn’t include the thing you’re thinking of – can share the thing you’re thinking of in the comments below. Your collective memory has never failed to amaze us – don’t let that stop now!

Today’s Five of the Best is…

Achievements or trophies! Achievements arrived first on Xbox 360 of course. Do you remember the first time you received one, that little pop-up opening to tell you what you’d been awarded? Bewitching, wasn’t it. A prize, and who doesn’t want to be given a prize? They caught on like wildfire and pretty soon, PlayStation 3 had a Trophy system of its own.

The more common they became, the more creative developers got. Soon straightlaced awards for reaching milestones were only the half of the picture and awards were used to tell jokes, encourage wayward behaviour, or entice you off the beaten track. Today there are hundreds of thousands of Achievements and Trophies out there. Question is, which of them are the best? Happy Friday!

(Where we refer specifically to Xbox 360 Achievements, we capitalise the word, but otherwise we mean achievement to include Trophies and every other kind of award.)

Crackdown – High Flyer

Crackdown had an excellent campaign – it was just hidden in the Achievements. Here’s where you’d find the real keys to unlocking fun in Pacific City. The best designers of the 360 era seemed to understand that Achievements were about encouraging you to play across the general rules of the game rather than just ticking off the story highlights. So it is with Crackdown. You’re a supercop, sure, but the Achievements are largely about the kind of stuff that would, at best, get you landed with an ASBO.

And the very best of the best: High Flyer – Make your way to the top of the Agency Tower. I can still remember the exact moment I unlocked this one. Late in the evening, a quick play session that, as is so often the case with Crackdown, had gone deliriously awry. Slowly as I climbed, the city sounds dwindled. And then at the top actual soundtrack music – a real rarity in Crackdown – started to play, strange melancholic chords that never quite came together to form a theme.

This in a way is where Crackdown ends. Once you can climb the tallest building, what else is there for you to do? But as with the best Achievements it’s also where the game begins: you have learned to speak Crackdown. Now go and play it properly.

-Christian Donlan

‘Apparently this is the hardest Achievement in the game.’ Such nonchalance!

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare – Mile High Club

12th April 2007 is a date I’ll remember forever because it was on that day, after weeks of trying, I finally earned the Mile High Club achievement in Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. For those of you who don’t know, Mile High Club requires you to complete the bonus epilogue level of Modern Warfare on Veteran difficulty, and it. Is. Solid. Even now, only a miniscule 3.3 per cent of players on Xbox have unlocked it, and if you think how many people have played…

At that point in my life I was not only a huge Call of Duty fan but well into collecting achievements, and I’d taken it upon myself to get the full 1000 Gamerscore on each and every COD game going. I’d already done it with COD 2 and 3, and I’d unlocked every other achievement in MW – but Mile High Club was my nemesis. Each attempt was a nonstop, repetitive cycle of gunfire, fury and failure, and I’d truly begun to think the achievement impossible to earn.

The level itself is short but as it’s set onboard a plane, your path is linear without room to manoeuvre. On Veteran difficulty, this lack of wiggle room means there’s practically no escape from the constant hail of gunfire and death, which comes at you fast. It feels like the enemies have wallhacks enabled because of their ability to anticipate your every move. You need only expose a tiny part of your body a millisecond too soon and BLAMMO, back to the start.

The worst thing, though, is the mission is timed, and on Veteran difficulty you have only 60 seconds to make it through this army of super-accurate soldiers. But that’s not all. Once you reach the top of the plane, you need to test your aim and nerve by taking out an enemy using a passenger as a human shield, and all while the timer ticks down.

Over and over I tried, two steps forwards, three steps back. One run would come close but the next would fail instantly due to the impossible accuracy of the AI and a bullet homing into my face.

I’d all but given up when one day, it miraculously happened for me. I made it to the end, hit my mark and parachuted, finally, to freedom.

Nowadays I don’t have the time nor patience to pursue such brutal achievements as this, but I’ll always remember Mile High Club not only as the hardest achievement I’ve earned, but also the one I’m most proud of.

-Ian Higton

Oh come on, Ian, it doesn’t look that hard.

The Lego games – One Does Not Simply, Solid Snape, Don’t I Know You?

If timing is the secret of comedy then the achievement pop-up punchlines in Lego’s cheeky adaptations are some of gaming’s best. The Lego games aren’t the only ones to employ them this way of course, but their ability to treat the source material with a side-eye to the camera breaks the fourth wall with frequently amusing effect.

There are examples which the Lego developers have clearly crafted to provide a chuckle at a specific moment, such as the memey “One does not simply…” award in Lego Lord of the Rings, which is unlocked by doing exactly that: walking into Mordor.

One does.

Then there are examples you uncover often by accident. Hop into a barrel and sneak around while playing as Professor Snape in Lego Harry Potter and you’ll get the “Solid Snape” achievement, which is as terrible a pun as you’ll ever see on Eurogamer.

Even better are the achievements it takes a moment to register why you’ve just unlocked them. Play as both Captain America and Human Torch in Lego Marvel Super Heroes, in co-op, and you’ll get “Don’t I know you?” achievement – a nod to actor Chris Evans having played both roles.

-Tom Phillips

A barrel of laughs!

Grand Theft Auto 4 – Warm Coffee

There aren’t many mods more infamous than the Hot Coffee mod for Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. It reinstated graphic sex scenes cut from the game and showed character CJ humping like a camel to fill an excitement gauge. It was something Rockstar wanted but was forced to remove – Simon Parkin wrote all about the GTA Hot Coffee mod if you’re interested in the full story. The upshot was a multi-million dollar class action lawsuit against Rockstar parent company Take-Two, and an eventual settlement of $20m. Yeesh.

It’s against that backdrop Grand Theft Auto 4 arrived, the next game in the series, and the question was, how would Rockstar handle sex this time? After all, it’s not like Rockstar to obey the rules. It’s this question that’s on your mind the night you take your in-game girlfriend – there’s a choice of a few – home from a date and get the option to try your luck for something more than a kiss goodnight. My girlfriend was Michelle, if you’re asking, and one night I got lucky.

The screen faded to black. Would it show what came next? Excuse the pun. No it wouldn’t, it turns out. All I saw was the outside of the building accompanied by Michelle’s enthusiastic yells of appreciation. It was only upon exiting the building, thinking about how Rockstar had shown surprising obedience this time around, the Achievement popped up. Warm Coffee. It was a wry smile in Achievement form if ever I saw one.

-Bertie

Great, Niko Bellic – you’re great!

Half-Life 2: Episode 2 – Little Rocket Man

Oh Gnorman; I will never forget our time together in Half-Life 2: Episode 2.

Before my chance encounter with Valve’s spacefaring gnome, I’d almost entirely, and rather snobbishly, dismissed Achievements as pointless contrivances in service to an endless numerical dick-waving contest for those with too much time to kill.

There was something about Episode 2’s gnome-themed challenge, however – appropriately titled Little Rocket Man – that captured my imagination and compelled me to get involved. And so it was, one balmy afternoon, that I found myself fishing an unassuming garden gnome from beneath a bed early on in the game, ready to deposit it in a rocket ship situated several fraught hours later. The resulting adventure – somewhere between slapstick road trip and highly unlikely buddy movie – was one I still remember, well over a decade on.

More than anything, it’s the driving that’s stayed with me; there were the beautiful scenic vistas of course, but most of my attention was consumed by constant vigilance of that tricksy little gnome. Thanks to Episode 2’s flamboyant driving physics, rising anything above a genteel crawl as you traversed the sprawling countryside would invariably make your diminutive companion launch dramatically out the back of your open-top vehicle, causing it to ricochet into oblivion or, if you were lucky, merely wind up several miles behind you.

What followed, then, was a journey of painfully pedestrian progress and comical frustration, as I invariably hit the pedal too eagerly, whipping around just in time to watch my tiny pal wave a sudden high-velocity farewell. Needless to say, by the time I located that rocket ship hours later, it was with a mix of relief and genuine sadness that our adventure finally came to a close.

But more than the experience itself, our time together transformed my view of Achievements, showing me how the best could bring unexpected new life to a game you thought you already knew. They’re the ones that reveal hitherto unseen layers and demand a different kind of thinking, forcing you to find new and creative ways to exploit familiar mechanics or opening entirely new avenues for mastery. Thanks to Gnorman (as he became known somewhere along our journey), I always take time to scan through a game’s Achievements now.

-Matt Wales

Four hours, that’s how long this video is. Four hours.

from EnterGamingXP https://entergamingxp.com/2020/05/achievements-or-trophies-%e2%80%a2-eurogamer-net/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=achievements-or-trophies-%25e2%2580%25a2-eurogamer-net

[inmomni]

No. 14b

I. Intro/Premise:

Hi, my name is Inmo, i am a senior biological studies major at Biola University. I’ve grown up in the church all my life, and I am currently a frustrated, working past it, christian who doesn’t work as advertised.  

This became clear to me after my youth group’s 2015 winter retreat that i got “saved” for like, the third time that my best friend and i had an interesting conversation about our sin. I remember we were on a night hike with a few other of my church friends when i suddenly started to get a strong urge for a cigarette.  I hadn’t had one since the start of the winter retreat, which was about two weeks ago then and a long time for me.  It brought up this kind of frustration in me.  Not because the craving was getting worse, but because i had just been “saved,” again. See in my mind, if you were with Jesus, you should be the farthest away from sin because of this new found love that you have for Jesus now; so in turn, that would make you naturally hate sin, ya know? Sharing the comment with my church friend, it sparked some talk about the fallenness of man and how we innately fall away from God, you know the gist, and we went on for about an hour when pent up with frustration about how i still want sin after all that God had shown me, after knowing what He did for me, after experiencing how much He loves me,

I said, “I wish God could just make us love him so much right now that we would never dare to sin again.”  

II. Idealistic Picture vs: Reality

Idealistic: [See], I thought I knew what a christian should look like. I’ve been to church all my life, so that being said, I think I have a pretty good idea of what an idealized modern day non-Jesus Christian would be like:

Prays for at least 30 mins a day, an hour if it didn’t cry at all to “push through and seek the Lord”….Or an hour if you did cry cause, you cried and you had a moment with Jesus.  

Reads the word every day without fail, even if you don’t have time for it cause you’re too busy serving, you get it in somehow by listening to an ESV ebook bible or through your 2min New Morning Mercies.

Just exudes Jesus everywhere they go, like to the point where you feel so sinful if you’re around them, but somehow they’re so humble that it doesn’t even cross your mind.

Raises their hands every single worship song at some point in the chorus and definitely the verses cause no one raises their hands for those

Every single conversation they have in passing turns into some life changing prophetic revelation for both parties involved

The list can go on.

Past Reality:

As you can see, I think a lot, my mind is always racing, and in science and especially in theology i really like to understand things and how they work, I need sequential process.  So if I don’t understand something, I will just sit there until I get it to take an action on it. I need to know what to do, I need direction, and I need it NOW. So in grappling with my newfound faith during my early high school years, my sinfulness, how to pray, what to think during worship, how to know if I’m being genuine, what I need to be feeling when I encounter God, and i started picking away at my own faith with my doubt.  And with doubt, I froze, because I didn’t understand it, and because I didn’t understand it I would question if I was a christian at all because I didn’t act the way I thought i was supposed to.  I didn’t reach out to leadership, I didn’t ask my pastor or small group leader any questions I had, how to walk in the faith, I simply took what I saw, held up myself against that standard, and graded myself accordingly.  And because I wasn’t doing well with the Lord, all other areas of my life would suffer, my overall mood, my motivation, my assurance in God and his character; nothing was stable. So I started to seek refuge from my reality in things like video games, anime, kdramas, sleeping, and slowly that evolved into trying weed for the first time, and then turning that into an everyday thing, with a daily goal of escaping reality and forgetting how terrible of a person I am. I was open to having fun, cause my life didn’t offer much as it was, and because all of this relied on how i felt, it wouldn’t be like this all the time, maybe just months at a time, sandwiched by seasons of “doing alright”, or a year on, and a year completely clean because God did graciously meet me in those moments, but nothing really changed, even if it was a year away, it doesn’t change the fact that I failed.

There emerged a very cyclic pattern starting since senior year of high school:

Summer is so good, it’s great, restful, had a bunch of fun, ready to get back to work

Fall initially is really good, meeting up with friends, keeping up with academics, motivated, I’m doing okay with God, reading here and there, not consistently, but reading at least, not doing bad things and such… then it starts to drop off around late October. I start getting less motivated, missing more classes, sleeping in more, trying to escape reality more.

Winter is super bad, just bummy lazy disgusting, right up until finals week approaches from where I jump up out of bed and turn into a study machine.

This carries on past spring and then probably into summer again. Then it repeats.

Recent past reality: 

This cycle got worse every single year, until last year, my junior year, when I failed 3 classes second semester.

It was my junior year, and I’m a bio major.  I’m trying to become a doctor, but now I’m not even sure of that anymore.  

Present Reality:

If I’m honest today… I’m a slob, my sleeping schedule is a mess, I’m not even properly eating and what the heck is up with that. I don’t go to the gym anymore. I’m not loving on the people that are close to me well at all. I feel so selfish and twisted. I think myself into a pit, dramatically breaking apart my own self confidence and credibility to myself.

It’s easy for me to think: “God, I feel like such a failure. I’ve tried so hard, my bootstraps ripping into the palms of my hand, to be a Christian, to stay in the faith, but it’s too hard. I don’t get it, and i don’t understand it. If i did, then maybe i wouldn’t be like this.  If i was a christian, I wouldn’t be doing X, Y, and Z or i would have fixed this part of myself ages ago.  I should have had a consistent routine with God by now, talking with him, I should be the ideal christian by now.”  IF I had truly been a christian up til now, holy, I’ve lived 21 years exposed to the gospel, and I don’t know how to do this thing. I should just give up.” I couldn’t even trust myself, the feelings and emotions I had, my all my actions can be accompanied by an army of voices questioning my intentions for everything.  Everything was falling apart, my future, my faith, my academics, nothing was solid, nothing was stable, the way I am right now, I can’t even pick myself up again. I can’t do this.

III. Realization & God-centered Reality

But that’s when it became clear to me.  If you’ve noticed by now, I’ve used the word “I” so many times up til this point. God just started highlighting all of the I’s I used, and he started replacing them with His name.  and it all started to click.  Maybe the reason I failed all these times was to bring me to a place where I could say, with my heart inside out, “God help me please, I don’t know what to do.”  I tried to do things my own way for 3 almost 4 years now and i failed every single time, maybe it’s time to look towards God and not myself.  

God reminded me of a passage in Numbers 21:6-9 where it talks about God sending fiery serpents to the people of Israel.  In short, God sent fiery serpents to the people of israel because of their disobedience, killed a lot of people, then told Moses to construct a bronze snake so that people could look at it and live.  Notice God didn’t say be healed from their afflictions.  He just said that they would live, like NIRV even says that they “remained alive”.  So what are the takeaways here for me? As you live your life, with or without God, you’re going to get bit, like 100%, when God said he sent serpents that killed many, I’m sure it wasn’t just a heist size group of snakes that ravaged the entire population, but a disgusting amount of serpents.  You can try to fend for yourself, or you can look up at God and get through this thing with him.  

The amazing thing is, that when I look to him, I see the moments where God affirmed me in my spiritual growth, all in retrospect of course.

I remember a time at Chick-fil-a with the same Caleb after serving at VBS where one of these moments happened. We had just finished up a day where the theme was the good news.

I started asking him about what he thought of the entire day that we just ran through. He responded with a “It was kinda weird”, not really a straight answer, but to see more what I’m thinking.  I started explaining how they didn’t do the gospel justice, how this wasn’t something that was deserving of being rushed or just gotten over with, especially if it is for these kids.  At one point, some guy paraphrased the gospel to,

“uhh we sinned, Jesus died on the cross for them, and, oh shoot were out of time, can the crew leaders explain the rest on the way to the next station” Everything was so rushed, paraphrased, cut off, I understand we were pressed for time the entire program, but dang did this topic deserve more respect.

I was getting really emotional, and tears started running down my eyes at which point caleb asked me why I was crying.  I didn’t understand his question, until i remembered that all the conversations we had and all the things he’s seen me do don’t point to an impassioned college student upset because his church’s VBS didn’t do the gospel enough justice when presenting it to 5-10 year olds.  That was when I realized God has taught me the weight of his gospel

There were other instances like this:

When i first got to Biola, and I hated it, but God told me through the` song i hated the most during high school  (Christ is Enough) that though i may think that i failed because nothing went to plan, its all according to his. He’s bringing me to a place where I can say Christ is all I need, and he placed that desire in my heart.

Placing me in Torrey, a great books program at Biola,  so that I would have a deeper knowledge of the word and how to converse with people, to have that show up at a party filled with a bunch of non-christians who were talking philosophy of a higher being and of a purpose in life

Seeing that through every cycle of highs and lows, regardless of how low that low was, I still came back to a place where God met me.

IV Conclusion:

To be honest, I still don’t fully know what I’m doing.  I’m trying to read more.  Pray more, I don’t know what it looks like to do what I said just now, or what that actually looks like.  But regardless of what I know, or what I understand, God is doing things behind the scenes for my good.  That there is no other reason, there can’t be any other explanation than the grace that God gives me and sustains me with.  In this most darkest season of my life, I have never understood more clearly what it means to work out your faith with fear and trembling, to know that I am a christian despite all my crap, and that despite how hard I may want to leave, not even I can pluck myself out of God’s hand, because of the way He’s been teaching and shaping my heart. He’s locked me in.  Once you know, you know, with this sort of thing if you know, if you’ve seen or tasted just a fraction of his grace, you cannot go back. Grace prepares the heart for salvation, it is grace that one receives salvation, and it is through grace that salvation is sustained and sanctification is occurring.  I don’t know how I got here and how to get to where I need to be, but I just know that God’s got this.  

So I’m just going to take that and run.

[rpaluchm-blog]

Some thoughts on three months travel

Sitting in Plaza de Espana, Sevilla, I contemplate almost three months travel. Tomorrow, I return home for the first break in my trip. I have some trepidation about stopping my journey, for fear that I will be less inclined to continue, although I am reassured by the fact that it took the great Don Quixote and his loyal companion Sancho Panza three attempts to see through the long road of Knight errantry that they set out on. 

In recollecting my thoughts, some of my fondest memories come from the periods I spent following the same paths that Don Quixote and Sancho Panza forged through Castilla la Mancha.

The beginning of my journey in Spain was certainly a low period following the incredible five or so weeks I spent in France; the constant rain I faced upon entering Spain, my first sight of the Pyrenees as I crossed the border bringing genuine fear at the prospect of having to deal with such ranges, a contributing factor to my decision to take a train from San Sebastian to Madrid, a choice that brought an enormous amount of guilt with it, and hung over me the entire 7 hour train journey, and following two days I spent in Madrid. This was a period that I gave serious consideration to returning home. But, in managing to find a Couchsurf in Toledo, I decided to undertake the cycle there, and of course, felt immediately better for jumping back on Isambard. Not only this, but the constant references to Don Quixote for the following week or so of my journey were hugely reassuring and provided me with greater conviction in what I was doing; a sense I had lost upon crossing the border. During the day I would do my best to catch up with him, or at least where he was in the book, pedalling through the numerous references and checkpoints dedicated to him along the Ruta de Don Quixote. At night I would do my best to extend his lead over me, tracing all the locations referenced in the book on my map. Where he had been, and where I was heading. Playing out a game of cat and mouse that spanned centuries.

I went to Consuegra and faced head on those same Giants that Quixote faced, plaguing the town's people with their terrible, rotating wings. I returned to Plaza Zocodover in Toledo to see where those men, later freed by Don Quixote, were shackled against their will for crimes they had the liberty to commit. I winded along the same roads, endless plateaus, and steeping hills through the Sierra Morena that the greatest of all Knights wandered with only his shirt. Undergarments lost, along with his sanity, due to the most rational of all motivations upon which Knight errantry rests; love.

Although Quixote was from this point coerced back to his home town in the East, feeling it was time to follow my own path into the world of Knightood, having learned the most important lessons of how to conduct myself in the spirit of Don Quixote, I followed the road South.

In forging my own way through the noblest of callings that is Knight errantry, word of my endeavours had returned to the Isle from which I orignially set sail. As such, an old friend who was pursuing a course of almost equal nobility to the path of Knighthood, that of the advocate, had become hungry to see how the letter of the law was applied in the most fair and equal of all courtrooms, the open field. The young scholar, named Stephen Ogwell, took to the skies, and joined me in the great city of Córdoba. For four days, we undertook great exploration of a city steeped in Roman, Christian, Muslim, and once again Christian, history. Our endeavours opening his eyes to the world beyond the great metropolis of London. Arriving with a quil in one hand, he returned home with a sword in the other. For if the law could not be upheld with good sense and intelligence alone, the righteous Knight can resort, as a final measure, to the strength in his arm and courage of his heart; qualities that cannot be found in even the deepest pockets of the corrupted. After this great reunion, with ensuing festivities and celebrations attended throughout Córdoba by those residents lucky enough to bear witness to the visiting Knights, we parted ways, with Stephen heading West to Sevilla to put into practice those lessons learned of Knight erranty. 

Continuing the solitary life that all Knights lead, I headed East, deeper into the heart of Andalusia - the most enchanting of all Spanish beauties. Having fallen head over heels for her, I took to the great public libraries of the region, trading the will of Isambard and the open road as my guides, for that of the written word. In so doing I hoped to find a noble cause I could serve, and provide opportunity to properly appreciate the surroundings I now found myself. Researching those places in need of a Knight, I found a small piece of land recently assumed by that of a fellow country woman in Vera, Almería, just east of Andalusia. Seeking to create a place of refuge for all manner of travellers, her untamed land in the Spanish desert of the South East required the labours of a committed Knight to tame the land and provide suitable refuge for weary legs. In addressing the owner of this suitably noble project, I offered my services and found a place to commit my time and efforts to bring to order an inhospitable environment. This would also provide Isambard some much deserved rest, as well as my increasingly fatigued legs (On my travels through Spain I've been informed that it is in fact the second most mountainous region in Europe after Switzerland - which has honestly been a killer. It also makes me think back to my preperation for this trip which was the perfect balance of readiness for what I was about to attempt, and ignorance as to what was to come so as not to be disinclined to go for it.) 

At this point in real life, as I was writing in my notebook, three Italian girls stopped me for a moment to ask if I could take a photo of them. This provided a natural break from another underwhelming attempt to recreate the endlessly intriguing writing of Cervantes and his eternally entertaining heroes. This break was a particularly poignant one, because it immediately drew my attention to a theme I’ve come across throughout my time in France and Spain. It is the most brief and seemingly meaningless encounters that I enjoy the most, and often hold onto most vividly in my mind. Encounters where those participating only exchange a few simple words (mostly on my part for lack of vocabulary) and some nice smiles, that for some reason always engender an overwhelming sense of contentment. I don't know what it is that I find so warming about such interactions, but there is always something special about them. While the long hours I have spent with new people during overnight stays, drinks, or other meetings have been special, I always enjoy the briefest encounters most. Often these come during my times spent wandering around markets in France and Spain. This has been one of my favourite pastimes, as it often feels like one of the most authentic places to spend my time. Maybe it is the sense of community that these places engender that I enjoy so much. Although those attending also seem to have very little personal connection, they are joined in the acts of meeting at a specific place to talk, trade and share in the produce on offer, often brought from local providers. Watching people make their careful deliberations as to which leek is in fact the healthiest of those on offer is always a pleasant way to spend a morning. For myself, I take my time wandering around each stall, doing a preliminary scope of which fruit looks the best. Having made my own careful mental notes of which ones I liked the most, on my second lap around I then return to those stall to inquire about prices. This also provides opportunity to put into practice the small collection of phrases you have accrued at the time, asking and comparing prices, trying free samples, and often getting little extras due to the sheer quantity of fruit I often buy (It's always just so delicious!). Small exchanges between myself and the stall owner in these moments give me a happiness that is difficult to describe, so I won't try to.

What I think will be easier to qualify is the sense of good in people that I have been exposed to during my trip so far. When leaving England, like many at the moment, I struggled to reconcile a positive sense of people with the realities of the world. In my studies, I would try to write essays that criticised conventional academic thought that argued for the inherent self interest of people, coming from my desire to believe that people, ultimately, care about each other more than they do about themselves. Really though, I was more cynical than optimistic in my perceptions of the world. On my travels, and time spent Couchsurfing in particular, I have been stunned by the openness, warmth, and desire by those I’ve stayed with to help a complete stranger. 

I realise that the fifteen or so occasions I’ve spent the night at someones house is not a representative sample from which to draw much wider conclusions of people generally, but from the experiences I’ve had, in the setting of one person on their own, in completely unknown surroundings, looking for some help, support from strangers has been commonplace. Without question, time and again, I have been welcomed into the homes of people who have no need to put themselves out for me, other than a natural desire to do so. I've been given a place to stay, food to eat, and often much more. Some of the people I’ve stayed with have welcomed strangers into their home on a number of occasions, others had never done it before, but always, the reception was the same; great happiness at being able to help someone who needs it. Sometimes I would be offered a key to the house within minutes of meeting those people who were hosting me. Whenever this happened, I was amazed that a person would be so naturally trusting. This is always engenders an incredible feeling, and I'm not sure writing these thoughts in such general terms quite portrays how much these encounters have given me a far healthier opinion of the kindness of strangers. Not only this, but it has certainly given me far more motivation to open myself up, and offer the things I have to those who may need it. As I discussed with the guy who I Couchsurfed with in Bordeaux, Couchsurfing is certainly a human face of technology, and brings people together in an incredible way. If you are so inclined, and have the means to open up your home, I would strongly advise you to join Couchsurfing. Each nights’ stay has something unique to it, and some story or aspect worth telling. Since I can't cover all of it, and don't think I have the ability to keep you reading for that long even if I wanted to, I will conclude my thoughts on it in the most general and broadly applicable terms. 

When rolling up to the front door of a person you have never met before, as soon as they open the door, the encounter often feels more like seeing an old friend for the first time in years, rather than staying with a complete stranger. Food is a hugely important part of both French and Spanish culture (in a way that feels far more tangible than it does in the UK), so there is always a meal involved. It's usually simple, something which I realise is the key to a good meal, and always delicious. You then sit and talk for hours at the table, with the family, couple or individual with whom you're staying, and learn about each other. How you're meeting came about, where you've been in the world prior to that moment, where you want to go after it, and what you think about the world more generally (For the specifics of each stay you'll just have to ask me, and we can sit, have a meal, and I'll tell you about it).

This brings me to another theme that I have felt throughout my time in France and Spain. That those people with whom I have met, spent time, and shared something with, be it food, drink, a cigarette (sometimes of the herbal variety), or just conversation, often hold very similar thoughts and feelings on the world to me. Whether conversation is made up of fluent English, or a smaller collection of words and phrases and a much larger proportion of gesticulating, I have never felt a great sense of difference between myself and the people of varying nationalities that I've come across. Now I appreciate that nobody is reading this for my discursive, unsubstantiated political views, but, inevitably, the topic of Britain leaving the EU was a regular occurrence. Almost always, my French or Spanish counterpart would feel the same way as me, both of us expressing great sadness at the chain of events currently taking place in the UK. Rather than delve into this point, I will simply conclude it by saying that my time on the other side of the channel has made me feel quite intensely that Britain leaving the EU, in whatever form it does, is a mistake of prolific proportions, regardless of the financial outcomes; life is about far more than money.

I'm now a little burned out, and want to enjoy my last day in Sevilla, which is just as beautiful as I have been told since literally my first day in France, and on a regular basis ever since. Sitting in the Plaza de España on such a sunny day, writing in my notebook, next to a busking Spanish guitarist has certainly felt like time well spent though. 

I will quickly finish by actually giving you some information on what I've been doing recently. Before coming to Sevilla to fly home for Christmas, I was working on an eco campsite project in Vera, Almería, so haven't been doing so much peddling over the last couple weeks. Life on the campsite was even more stripped back then it was during my time cycling. We had no running water or electricity. As such, you were very careful with everything you had or used, mainly water because it was so dry there and keeping plants alive was a priority, because we didn't have much. Meals were vegetarian, and simple, but always hit the spot after a day labouring in the December sun of Amería (which still took the temperature to 20-25 degrees every day). There were seven of us on the land, about a football pitch and a half in length and width, and all responsibilities were shared. We hadn't met prior to arriving on the campsite, shared bell tents as well as everything else, and it felt very much like a fairly cohesive community. I've left Isambard and most of my stuff there, and will return in the New Year. The group of people there will be totally different, but I imagine that life will not change so drastically, and I will find myself again in a minimal setting that is more comfortable than many I've ever found myself. I'm leaving Spain tomorrow, but having my stuff left in Vera is hugely reassuring as it means I know I will be returning soon. Cervantes took 10 years to write his second book of Don Quixote. I will resume my own road of Knight errantry in not much more than 10 days. In his hugely significant work, that brought two of the greatest fictional characters to life, the second part manages to improve on a hugely entertaining first. I hope my journey will follow the same pattern, with my return leg seeing even greater adventures follow the host of memories I've already gained.

The busker to my left has just finished, and now, so have I... For now