#wait till episode 2 and 3 where my brain started rotting

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

pt V good omens S1E1 summarised but i understood nothing but the queer

this is me back to summarising because if i think too hard about crowley and aziraphale watching each other i'll break down and i've only watched three episodes what does this say about me

without further ado, good omens episode one:

It opens with narration by God who is morally grey and tells us Earth is a libra. I see tarot cards. It could be a hallucination.

Cut to the garden of Eden. Crowley is a snake. I assume Adam and Eve ate the apples, but I am too busy looking at David Tennant.

They talk and say important things, but I am too busy looking at Michael Sheen. Aziraphale gives fire to the humans and adopts the gaslight gatekeep girlboss method of explaining it to Crowley and the folks at heaven.

Heaven consists of uncomfortable close-ups. I hear nothing they say any time a scene is set in heaven because I am counting skin cells on the angels. They like Sound of Music. I am growing to hate Sound of Music. Thanks, heaven.

Cut to modern day but not the present, 11 years ago. Zombies emerge from the ground, but they are not zombies, not yet. One of them looks like a dead blobfish. His face decomposes later.

Not-yet-zombies hand the Antichrist baby to Crowley, who catwalks through the graveyard with the basket swinging on his hand.

God starts talking about the ol' switcheroo, intercut with an American politician who loves the Y chromosome, as one does.

There are Satanic nuns, and they are bad at their job, but they really like toes. Not in a sexual way. We think. We hope.

There is a lot of baby switching and inaccurate wink interpretations. I understand nothing. It is fine. The plot is unimportant.

The Antichrist does not raise tropical fish. An easy mistake to make.

Crowley and Aziraphale try to balance the Satanic tendencies of their adoptive son Warlock, who is not the Antichrist. Crowley serves us more gender as she becomes the nanny. Aziraphale is the gardener. I hope it is not him. I hope it is someone else.

I hope in vain. It is him. It is always him.

They raise not-Antichrist for eleven years.

A scheduled dog delivery from hell does not arrive on time, which makes Crowley and Aziraphale realise they did not raise the Antichrist. Contrary to sensible interpretation, this is not good. They abandon their adoptive son, which is normal.

Cut to the Antichrist, whom I immediately want to adopt. There are friends, and I am told they are important, but all I know is Brian is just Brian and the others are foils for the horsemen of the apocalypse.

There is an apocalypse upcoming. I do not realise it until this point.

The Satanic dog delivery arrives as scheduled to the Antichrist, and becomes a puppy. The Antichrist, with boundless creativity, names the Satanic dog delivery Dog. I continue to love him.

Contrary to sensible interpretation, this is not good. The Antichrist naming the Satanic dog delivery Dog is such a tragic blow to the world of scientific nomenclature that the apocalypse is now set into motion.

The end.

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

Sigh. It’s quiet today, so I guess it’s about time to talk about 12x06: Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox.  

This is an episode without Cas, so clearly it revolves entirely around Cas (I'm kidding, but only a little bit).  It’s also a bottle episode and a meta writer’s wet dream, so excuse me while I nerd out - this is a long one to unpack, and I have spent too much time doing it for you.  That’s ok because, as Sam says:

DIVE IN AFTER THE CUT BUDDIES!

The Asa montage is where we start.

Asa is a Dean mirror. The parallels are pretty clear - he’s a scruffy rough around the edges hunter, Mary is the reason he got into hunting, he wears a ton of flannel, etc.  If you remain unsure, the writers throw this in at the very beginning in the montage of Asa’s life as a hunter So That You Know:

Bucky: Hey, you know they make new cars, right? Asa: I don’t want a new car. This is my lucky car. 

***Canadian!Dean confirmed.

Shaine Jones may also be the Canadian Jensen Ackles.

I don’t make the rules ok?

Back in the US, the boys surprise Jody with a visit. 

In case you forgot the episode prior to this one:

Side note: domestic Jody gives me life. 

We’re clearly supposed to see how Jody is a mom figure for the boys, and it feels nice for them to have that, especially since Mary is Taking Some Space.  Their entire dynamic warms even my cold black soul.

[romantic scene of a couple silhouetted against a sunset while sweeping music plays on Jody’s TV. The couple kisses.] 

DEAN

[his mouth full of pizza] Jody, you watching some kind of chick flick here?

JODY

Well, Dean. I’m a chick. 

Kim Rhodes YOU ARE A DELIGHT.  A side note - I know this exchange is supposed to be funny, but I feel sad for Dean (who clearly is a rom com chick).  This is a perfect example of Dean struggling to present some fabricated image of heteronormative masculinity that’s not the heart of who he actually is.  His surprise that a “badass sheriff chick” can also enjoy rom coms makes me fucking upset.  

ALSO:

Anyway, Asa has passed on and the boys tag along with Jody to the wake in support.  

SAM

Yeah, no, Jody. We… we know you’ll be fine, but… you know, we never go to hunter gatherings, outside of bars. Dad always said they were trouble, so…

DEAN

Yes, you’d be doing us a favor if you let us tag along.

***more receipts that John Winchester was an isolating abuser.  They could have at least had a normal HUNTER life and friends who hunted.

SAM  

That is a big house. [Music continues playing, coming from inside the house now]

***We now establish one “theme” of the episode.

JODY

Family home. Asa was just a guy. 

AKA pretty brutal implication that Asa didn’t have a family of his own.

Speaking of implications:

[Jody removes her coat and the three of them begin mingling. Dean finds his way to the kitchen and a cooler full of beer] DEAN

No label. Well, that’s a red flag. 

****LOL WHAT THE FUCK IS THE REASON****

....

....

....

GIRL SEND HELP

Enter Bucky, who is actually (SPOILER!) the villain of the episode.

Do all hunters just walk around with this manly flannel/weird symbolic necklace combo?  Looking at you Bucky and Dean.  

Dean is surprised to find that people know who he is:

But doesn’t seem to have an issue with it until -

***Someone who just bragged the entire five hour car ride about killing Hitler shouldn’t be this concerned about what people are saying about him right? 

Or is he thinking it may involve something he isn’t comfortable sharing - since apparently there are things Dean doesn’t feel comfortable sharing as established by the prior couch conversation with Jody?  Hmmmmmm...

***Compare the expressions.  The “you’ve died four times” response is the same as the smug/proud “I killed Hitler” face.  The reaction to the “stories” is the “hey this is my personal business” reaction Dean had to Sam’s Japanese erotica art form comment. He is thinking specifically about something personal.

I wonder what it could be.

I don’t think any one had to teach Max Banes the art of seduction, but also thank you.

Also, manifesting Dean being raised by Max and Alicia’s Cool Witch Mom instead of John Trash Winchester.  Because that’s what we’re supposed to think here, correct?  Two sibling hunters usually present a brother mirror.

Worth noting Sam’s surprise that witches can also be hunters.  The John Winchester Bigotry Brain Rot runs deep.  (GOD the Sam-witch thing would have driven him crazy I LIVE FOR THAT).

Dean escapes to Asa’s office/room and proceeds to go through his things.

[Dean is in Asa’s office and finds an angel blade mounted on blue velvet inside an ornate glass-lidded box. He opens it, reaches in and pulls out the angel blade, comfortably spinning it in his hand when Sam walks in.]

SAM

Hey.

DEAN

Oh, hi. This is a real Angel Blade. I mean, this guy was legit. 

***that’s weird, why does Canadian!Dean have an angel blade?  We haven’t heard anything about angels yet, and it wasn’t in the opening montage.  Hmmmmmm, I say. Hmmmmmmm...

***Sam is also concerned about The Stories They Tell 

This one particularly:

Honestly I don’t know why he’s THAT surprised that people know he was possessed by Lucifer?  Didn’t he start like multiple apocalypses?  That’s something people tend to be in the know about. Anyhoo.

DEAN

Yeah. Apparently we’re a little bit legendary. 

SAM 

Yeah, but, I mean, so was Asa. Then a hunt went bad, and he ended up hanging from a tree, alone in the woods.

DEAN

He died on the job. No better way to go. 

SAM

You really believe that? 

DEAN

Yeah. What, you don’t? I mean, come on, Sam, it's not like we're in the “live till you're 90, die in your sleep” business. This? [Dean points at Asa’s hunting wall] This only ends one way. 

***Insert deep internal screaming about 15x20 here***

It’s Jody’s turn to be uncomfortable as we find out she and Asa were more than just friends and everyone knew it and Said Things About It and Told Stories About It.

HMMMMMMM...

Dean is surprised that Jody not only enjoys rom coms, but ruggedly hot men. Another thing they have in common.

As Dean comes to terms with the idea that Jody can be a mother figure and also a human person with a life and her own feelings and needs and thoughts, enter the person whom said lesson is actually about:

This is a Kim Rhodes Facial Expression stan account now.

So cute how Jody knows immediately that Dean is not okay.  Time to reach:

JODY

Huh. Is that why you spent the entire ride up here telling me in extreme, excruciating detail how you killed Hitler, but, uh, you neglected to mention the fact that your mom is back from the dead? 

***look, it’s another Dean doesn’t like others knowing personal information parallel!***

DEAN 

Yeah, no big deal. 

JODY

That’s a lie.

DEAN

JODY …

JODY

Look, maybe this isn't my place, and this is epic stuff, but

JODY

Yeah. Because what if I’ve changed. What if they changed? What if it just didn’t work out the way I wanted?  If you wanna talk about anything

***Killing Hitler used yet again to show Dean doesn’t care about oversharing hunting stories, but he doesn’t like for people to know personal ones.  Also, Jody mentions her son and her husband.  Her family and her romantic partner.  

Dean wasn’t just reunited with Mary this season. He was also reunited with Cas, after saying goodbye to him at the end of Season 11 when he headed to what he thought was going to be his death as the Amara-bomb.

So, this conversation isn't just about Mary (the “anything”).  It’s also about Cas (the”...absolutely anything”).

Mary chats with Mama Fox and more Points Are Made about hunters not getting to have a “normal life” or family:

MARY

I saved his life. 

LORRAINE

[scoffing] What am I supposed to say to that? After you, Asa got so… Hunting was his whole life. He never married. Never had a family, kids. And now… enjoy the wake. 

***sending Mary on a guilt spiral about Asa (mirroring her other guilt spiral about hunting as a life for her own sons)

Speaking of mirrors:

BUCKY

And Asa loved that Jeep. Fuses were shorted, fuel line was busted. Ah, he didn’t care. He’d just roll up his sleeves, he’d get right to work. 

Time to learn about today’s Big Bad.

BUCKY

Jael. He’s a crossroads demon. And he hangs people. It’s his thing. Snaps their neck, slits their throat. He’s a real piece of work. 

***Wait a second.  Jael is a demon?  Don’t...angel’s names usually end in “el” in SPNverse?

Samandriel.

Uriel.

Gabriel.

Raphael.

Gadreel.

Castiel.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Anyways the demon [questionable] killed Asa and now everyone  is trapped and also In Grave Danger.  

BUCKY

Exactly. Right, so five years later, Jael– he came back, and he came for Asa. 

JODY

How so? 

BUCKY

Asa was seeing this woman, right? She had a kid. 

LORRAINE

Marlene. 

BUCKY

Yeah, Marlene. Jael got into her. It didn’t matter that he was killing people, he wanted Asa to know it was personal. He gets off on it. 

***that’s so weird, didn’t someone else in the show start seeing a woman with a kid - 

what a sexy little coincidence.

oh and didnt  a supernatural being come back right around that time too - 

HMMMMMMMM.  No killing though.  That’s the difference between angels and demons, I guess.

(meanwhile Dean has been drinking alone outside - as he does, and is realizing he can’t get back in)

HI QUEEN

Also, this immediately took me to 

this show isn’t fair.

****sob break****

Jael Posession 1:

So curious how there are two siblings and then one gets possessed by something Satanic and the other one is good at seducing men.

SO FUCKING CURIOUS.

Jael Possession 2:

Elvis. Random.  Though he was the guy who brought up the Stories Sam Was Surprised Were Circulating -

He was also oddly interested in it.  Methinks Elvis thoroughly enjoyed the Jael possession.

Bilie gets Dean back in the house.  The words “one-time deal” are said a lot of times.

BONUS: Jensen why are you so pretty:

The hunters get to work, and I live for Max Bane’s pentagram aesthetic.

MAX

I like a Fifth Pentacle of Mars. It’s got more character. 

***TBH, same.

Jael possession 3:

****Kim Rhodes is even better when she is playing evil.

JODY/JAEL:

I had so hoped you’d kill your mom. Wouldn’t that be a riot? 

[Mary draws the angel blade and charges at Jody. She cuts Jody’s arm before Sam wrestles her away.] 

SAM

No! Mom!

MARY

What are you doing?! She’s a demon. We kill demons. 

******WOOF MARY - I REPEAT TO YOU THAT THE JOHN TRASH WINCHESTER BRAIN ROT RUNS DEEP.

Also did you immediately flash back to this with me?

Gets me thinking that Dean’s feelings for Cas are made twice as complicated by the fact that he is also a supernatural creature.  Another Reason Why John Winchester Would Disapprove.

****Just as he would Disapprove of Sam Being Possessed By the Devil and all that (never forget he told Dean to kill him because of the whole made unclean by demon blood thing). 

Right on cue:

JODY/JAEL

Oh, I have heard so many stories about you Winchesters. And I desperately want the Lucifer thing to be true.  

***Stories again. Jael proceeds to go into Stories That Are Dark Personal Shameful Secrets:

JAEL

As for the rest of you, I have been inside your heads. I know all about you. For example, the twins. Too frightened to tell anyone that they actually came to say goodbye to their daddy. Or the grieving mother who hated the fact that her son was a hunter so much she’d hide his gear, she’d sabotage his Jeep, anything to keep him from hunting. Not that it worked. Could’ve tried harder, huh? 

[She gestures at her own face] And this meatsuit you all seem to care so much about. She actually fantasized about a life with Asa. Can you believe that? Like that worthless man– 

***HMMMMMMMMM

[Bucky gets off the floor and sneaks up behind Jody/Jael] 

BUCKY 

Shut your filthy mouth. 

[Jody/Jael grabs Bucky by the neck and forces him to his knees] 

JODY/JAEL

And you. Bucky. Brave, brave Bucky. I was there that night. Tell these nice, stupid people what you did. Tell them what you took from me. Asa was mine. 

***Excuse me? THIS IS GETTING VERY...subtextual.  A dark timeline supernatural being/hunter relationship [ending badly because demons only know how to take, consume and possess]? ...Asael?  CURIOUS. 

They chant the exorcism, a different hunter doing each iteration (beautifully done) 

and send Jael back to hell, but not before Bucky shares his Shameful Story - he’s the one who killed Asa.

Elaboration:

BUCKY

Asa, he was just all– he was just always so stubborn. Look, we were in the woods. [We see the scene play out as Bucky describes it] Jael, he… he was taunting him. Asa wanted to chase him, but he didn’t have the angel blade. I said, “Let’s go back.” He called me a coward, and he shoved me, so I shoved him back, and he fell. He hit his head. Asa? I didn’t mean to do it. But it was a mistake. Asa. Asa? An accident. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do. Asa hated that damn demon so much that I just…

DEAN

Oh, you thought people would buy that Jael killed him? So you hung your best friend to cover your own ass. 

BUCKY

What are you gonna do to me? 

ALICIA:

Tell everyone, every hunter we meet. They’re gonna know your name, Bucky. Know what you did. 

MAX

You like stories. This is the story everyone’s gonna tell about you. Forever. 

***Shameful Stories that Define You, what a theme.  Also, definitely a supernatural being potentially having some subtextual feelings for Canadian!Dean.  Hmmm.

***Funeral pyre and side discussion about how Asa did have a family, and children, and a potential supernatural sidepiece.

In conclusion, Supernatural is a love story.  Thank you for watching this dark timeline/Canadian dub.  You’re dismissed for the day.  Go eat bacon.

[youropiniondoesnotmattertome]

A Note To Myself

What am i going to write here is a voice on my own of which your remarks,judgment,thoughts and opinions are not necessary to me. Every soul has its own story and journey to tell, so if you are thinking i am just overreacting and being such a drama queen...then i can just tell you to...FUCK OFF! Thank you.

This note is written by me to myself if i ever get out of this messy current situation I’m having..So, in 5 years time...dear me, please take a look at this note again and evaluate yourself.

Dear N******,

22nd March 2017, 11.22pm.

I never feel such a total wrecked as what i felt today. Waking up today feeling quite miserable after receiving a phone call from a headhunter saying my application could not be entertained because i was not qualified for it.(they didnt specify it in their advertisement anyway...so not my fault)

Feeling a little low while the morning is still early then i decided to go back to sleep...i didnt sleep quite well though..even had a dream about my ex/bf, Afiq.

The morning didnt go quite well...feeling depressed starting to consume me..so i’ve decided to take my little sisters to House of Cats...maybe that will distract my mind a little bit..it does but not for long...once i reached home...the pressure starting to swell up inside me...I received an email from a potential employer but turns out the location is just beyond considering..so i have decided to decline although i am entering the ‘desperate’ phase of searching my job...Then its where i’ve started to feel my pressure and stress reaching its maximum point.

I didnt do anything. I just lay on my bed. Tears started to flow over.Prayers didnt help. I was gasping for help..but there was no one.None. I never felt so alone and helpless in my life.I reached Afiq but i know he is so occupied with work.He didnt say much.A sign that i am just a disturbance in his life at the moment. My friends? They are all friends during easy times. Its true when they said what matters are those who stick by you through your hard times. But they weren’t there. None of them even remember my birthday after 8 years of friendship. But i try to forgive all of them by thinking everyone has its own issues..but i will always be there for them, in a bit...why cant anyone be here for me?

Lessons Learnt During The Hard Times.

1. Depression

When you are jobless or dont have any purpose of life, you will start losing yourself. It might be okay for some, but definitely not for me. I am not able to utilize my brain. I am not able to make use of my *** degree after years of hardwork. It will consume you day by day. I was so much worse now compared to my DAY 1 of jobless. I am now in my DAY 41 of jobless and i am like piece of shit.My advice to myself is always secure a job before resigning.But in my case, I didnt resign because of no reasons, i resigned because i have to.

2. Fuck your, dear former boss.

I was employed for 1 1/2 years. I like my job. I can handle the pressure. Some even looking down on me because they think my job is easy. But try running the firm on your own (while you are still lack of experience), making decisions on your own, clients looking after your boss but because he never came to the office so you have to face them instead. Try having your office being splashed by red paints by gangsters because they are looking for your boss but he was never around and you yourself have to go to the police station and lodge the report. Try having being paid late for every single month. Try not getting your last month salary because your boss is fucking mean and want to have revenge on you. Try having keep begging your boss for your last salary amounting RM4K+++ because you are in desperate need of money and your boss just laughed it all out. Everyone keep saying, you should have left earlier...i want to but because of considering that my boss has to work alone, i dont have the heart and look how he repays me.Dear Mr.**, i hope you rot in hell and may your life never be at peace for all the wrongdoings you have done.

3.  Broke

My bank is empty. My wallet is empty. I have my savings.But you shouldnt touch that, arent you? That is for the house deposit money i’m planning to buy by the age of 30 since i am not going to get married, so i will buy the house using my own hardwork money. I am going to buy a house, stay on my own and probably getting a cat. Until i die. Might opt for free sex if my faith is so shaken by then, who knows. I want to adopt a child and i will raise her on my own. I will be a good mother, thats one thing i know for sure despite of my depression. Looking at a young child’s face soften and melt my heart. So yeah, i am broke. And seeing everyone having such a good life didnt make any easier. I restricted myself from going out..restricted myself from buying food i want. Restricted myself from buying or going anything/anywhere.

4. Family

Broke.No friends. Boyfriend out of picture. I just have my family. My family. I wouldnt say they are my safety net but they are all i have now when everyone left. I know my parents will be there for me. But for how long? I should be the one taking care of them and not the other way round. I want to take care of my family. But now it seems they are keeping a big fat old maiden pig in the house.I tried to help as much as i can.Cleaning, washing, cooking, being driver to my sisters. I’m trying everything that i can. But sometimes, i know i do disappoint my family.

5. Afiq

My boyfriend? My ex? I dont know. We fight a lot.Like really a lot. Depression starts to sweep in and he is the one that i can talk to.But he said he is getting tired with all the whining. Somehow job didnt just landed at your feet. So it has jeopardized our relationship. And he seems to drifting away too. Not sure if there’s a new girl in town. So we fought again last week. Very big fight until i dont think our relationship can work out again. Its just seem done.I met one of my dlsa classmates yesterday, and she was asking how are we? are we getting married soon...I just dont know what to answer...its really heartbreaking. 

Dear *****

1) When you are depressed, you tend to be over sensitive. Over sensitive that no one talks to you, your close friends didnt wish your birthday. You tend to get very emotional about it.

2) Understand that everyone has their own issues. You are not the centre of the universe. But i didnt think its too much to ask for someone just asking how are you...just listen.

3) Friends come and go. Although you are truly hurt by their actions, learn to forgive and takpayah layan dah.

4) When you are at your lowest you will see who will be by your side. For me, I have my family and Afiq. But Afiq is just a stranger. His patience has limits. As much as he said he loves you or want to stick with you till the end of time crap, he has no responsibility towards you. Thats why next time if you ever fall in love, Love moderately or better if you dont fall in love at all. They will leave. They will all always leave. Think about it, why do you want to be stucked in a relationship with a depressed girl when there are plenty dozens of more emotionally stable girls outside??? Think. And you have seen the signs that his love towards you is deteriorating. I can foresee another heartbroken episodes coming.Honestly, i dont know if i can handle all of this.

5) Appreciate your family. Thats all you have. Money cant buy families.

6) Learn to forgive.

I am mad at my fate.I am mad at my boss. I am mad at Afiq. I am mad with everything.

7) Suicidal has always been on your mind. I keep imagining knives and knives. I was stung by a bug yesterday. It was painful. My hand was numb temporarily. Now i wish the bug was poisonous.

8) Your faith will deteriorating.

You tend to be angry at Him. Dont believe in Him. So mad at Him more than anything and start to question where is just in all of these shits? Why me? I was a good student..a good friend.. a loyal girlfriend...why everything didnt work out. I never missed a single prayer eversince i was in primary school..obedient to my parents...my friends some i know didnt even pray..had fun with their boyfriends more than it should...but they are all having a good life..married. While i am still here..broke..jobless..and no chance of getting married soon. I questions a lot till my faith is shaken. I tried to do the daily prayers with pure heart...but sometimes i failed. Prayers seem to be just like a daily routine. Afiq told me to Sabar..sabar...sabar.. but have you ever feel that you just cant handled it anymore..that you feel the pain stucked in your throat while your tears keep flowing..Yes. Sabar and Sabar...now everyone has left me. Maybe this is one way for Him to teach me that you should only rely to Him and not humans. So that is why I am on Tumblr...i motivate myself by reading all the Islamic quotes from Quran and Hadith. I should be thankful for this test. After all, we are all His creations. 

9) Wait and Sabr.

Cry all you want. Never missed your prayers. Read Quran everyday. Be good to your family. And forgive. 

Ya Allah, i hope i pass this test well. Please don’t let my faith slipping away.