#was on a big ass vacation and busy all october </3

[plaguedpriest]

more core designs :]

[rebeccalouisaferguson]

"I always just rode the waves,” Rebecca Ferguson says with a shrug. The comment hangs in the air, as if the Anglo-Swedish 37-year-old is only now processing that a combination of currents and tides has led her not just to an acting career but to the brink of big-screen stardom.

“I’ve never been ambitious,” she says. “I’ve always thought that that was a bad thing.” She’s seen others in the industry consumed by constant striving and asked herself why she hasn’t hungered for fame since childhood, slept in cars outside castings, barged into directors’ offices or thrown herself in the path of a producer. “But should I not be burning for this? Out meeting people and networking for the next job?” says Ferguson, who has chosen the sort of quiet, private life outside the big city that so many actors claim to crave. “My life just took another turn. But I’ve always thought: Am I where I should be?”

At the moment, on this late July day, Ferguson is slumped in the backseat of a Mercedes-Benz sedan, crawling through rush-hour traffic on the M4 out of London. She is capping off a hectic week during a particularly busy period. Most immediately, she’s coming from a table read for Wool, the Apple TV+ adaptation of Hugh Howey’s bestselling postapocalyptic trilogy. Ferguson is both the star and, for the first time, an executive producer. “I’m sitting in all the different rooms, listening and learning like the students,” she says. She’s filming Mission: Impossible 7, her third tour of duty in the long-running series that first brought her widespread recognition. She’s also promoting the film Reminiscence, the sci-fi noir written and directed by Westworld co-creator Lisa Joy in which Ferguson stars opposite Hugh Jackman. And now she is starting a press push and festival prep for her role as Lady Jessica ahead of the much-delayed release of Dune (in theaters October 22), director Denis Villeneuve’s reimagining of Frank Herbert’s novel. “After this film, I think everyone will see what I see in her,” the filmmaker says. “She has a beautiful, regal, aristocratic presence, elegance. But that was not the main thing: The most important thing for me was that depth.”

After tracing a long, meandering path, Ferguson has landed in a rare and rarified position: ascendant in her late 30s (still an anomaly for women in the film industry) and sought after by some of the biggest names in the business. “When you meet Rebecca, you just see it. She’s very open, candid, collaborative, hardworking, funny—and not pretentious,” says Tom Cruise, who handpicked Ferguson to star opposite him in the Mission: Impossiblefilms, which are known for their demanding shoots. “She just rose to the occasion every single time.”

In February 2020, when the pandemic began, Ferguson left Venice, where she’d been shooting Mission: Impossible 7, and hunkered down with her husband, their 3-year-old daughter and Ferguson’s 14-year-old son from a previous relationship at their farm in Sweden. After four months, Ferguson returned to the M:I set and basically hasn’t stopped working since.

Dune has sat idle for far longer. By the time the movie premieres, more than two years will have passed since it wrapped. Ferguson recently asked to screen the film again: “I miss it,” she says. She ended up bringing along her Mission: Impossible co-star Simon Pegg. After the credits rolled, Pegg broke into a smile and wrapped her in a congratulatory bear hug. “That’s all I needed,” she says.

Despite being a sci-fi epic based on a novel from 1965, Dune feels “very timely,” Ferguson says, pointing to its handling of environmental issues, religious zealotry, colonialism and Indigenous rights. The plot of the film, which cost an estimated $165 million, centers on occupying powers battling for the right to exploit a people and their planet, named Arrakis, for melange (or spice)—the most valuable commodity in Herbert’s fictional universe, a substance that provides transcendental thought, extends life and enables instantaneous interstellar travel. “Spice,” Ferguson says, “is equally about the poppy and oil fields.”

Ferguson’s Lady Jessica is a member of the Bene Gesserit, a powerful secretive sisterhood with superhuman mental abilities. She defies her order by giving birth to a son, Paul (played by Timothée Chalamet), who may be a messianic figure. “She basically just f—s up the entire universe by having a son out of love,” says Ferguson. In her hands, Jessica is equal parts caring parent, protector and pedagogue. Among the skills she wields and teaches Paul is “the Voice”—a modulated tone that allows the speaker to control others.

The movie was shot in Norway, Hungary, Jordan and Abu Dhabi, whose desert landscape stood in for Arrakis. Filming there was particularly arduous, as temperatures exceeded 120 degrees Fahrenheit, limiting the shoot window to only an hour and a half each day at 5 a.m. and again at dusk. “We were running across the sand in our steel suits being chased by nonexistent but humongous worms,” Ferguson recalls, referring to the sand-beasts later rendered in CGI. “To be honest, it was one of the best moments ever. It was the most beautiful location I’ve ever seen.”

Back in London, Ferguson is approaching home. She leaves the following day for a small town on the coast of England, where she plans to spend her first vacation in two years and to do some surfing. “Let’s hope it’s good weather,” she says. “If not, I’ll surf in the rain.” Not that she’s the sort to paddle out into storm swells. “I think I’ve managed to stand on a board once in my entire life,” she says. “But it was quite a high. Complete surrender to the waves and total control all at once.”

Born Rebecca Louisa Ferguson Sundström to an English mother and Swedish father, Ferguson grew up bilingual in Stockholm. She immersed herself in dance from a young age, enjoying ballet, jazz, street funk and tango. Despite being shy and prone to blushing and breaking out when forced to speak publicly, Ferguson found she was at ease in front of the camera. She dabbled in modeling and then, at 15, attended a TV casting call at her mother’s urging. Ferguson ended up getting the lead role in Nya Tider (New Times), a soap opera that became wildly popular, splashing Ferguson’s face into Swedish homes five times a week.

When her role ended about two years later, Ferguson was adrift. She had no formal acting training to fall back on, no clear sense of how to steer a career and no major connections to the industry. She had a short run on another soap and appeared in a slasher flick and a couple of independent shorts, then…nothing. “I was famous in Sweden, but I didn’t really have an income anymore,” she says. “So I went and I worked in whatever job I could get.” That meant stints at a daycare center and as a nanny, in a jewelry shop and a shoe store, as well as teaching tango, cleaning hotel rooms and waitressing at a Korean restaurant. She eventually landed in a small coastal town named Simrishamn, where she lived with her then-partner and their toddler son, content to be a where-are-they-now celebrity.

When fame again came calling, Ferguson ran away. She was at the flea market when she recognized the acclaimed Swedish director Richard Hobert, and he saw her. As he shouted her name, Ferguson grabbed her son, who lost his shoes and sausage, and fled. “I panicked,” she says. “I don’t know why.” When Hobert eventually caught up to her, Ferguson tried to act nonchalant as he proceeded to tell her he’d admired her work and pitched her on the lead role in his next movie: “I’ve written this role, and I think I have written it for you. Do you want to read the script?”

Her work in Hobert’s A One-Way Trip to Antibes earned her a Rising Star nomination at the Stockholm International Film Festival. She quickly got an agent in Scandinavia, then one in Britain. On her first trip to take meetings in London, she read for the lead in The White Queen, the BBC adaptation of Philippa Gregory’s historical novels about the women behind the Wars of the Roses. Ferguson got the part, and her portrayal of Elizabeth Woodville, queen consort of England, earned her a Golden Globe nomination and the admiration of at least one Hollywood heavyweight.

Ferguson was in the Moroccan desert filming the Lifetime biblical miniseries The Red Tentwhen the assistant director whisked her off her camel. “We’re going to have to pause shooting,” he said as he asked her to dismount. “Tom Cruise wants to meet you for Mission: Impossible. We’re going to fly you off today.”

Cruise had seen Ferguson’s work in The White Queen and her audition tape and couldn’t believe she wasn’t already a major star. “What? Where has this woman been?” Cruise recalls exclaiming to his new Mission: Impossible director Christopher McQuarrie. “She’s incredibly skilled,” Cruise says, “very charismatic, very expressive. As you can tell, the camera loves her.” Ferguson landed a multi-picture deal to star opposite Cruise in the multibillion-dollar franchise. He and McQuarrie built out the role of Ilsa Faust for Ferguson, creating the anti-Bond girl, an equal to Cruise’s Ethan Hunt. “We could just see the impact she could have,” he says. “She’s a dancer. She has great control of her body, of her movements. She has the same ability to move through emotions effortlessly.”

Ferguson threw herself into the films and quickly found a shorthand with the cast and crew. “There was a dynamic that worked very well with all of us,” she says. “One of the things I absolutely love is doing all the stunts.” That physicality has given her a reputation as an action-minded actor. “It doesn’t matter that I’ve done 20 other films where I don’t kick ass,” Ferguson says. “Mission comes with such an enormous following. That was what made my career.”

Ferguson’s M: I movies bracket a number of films in which she played opposite marquee names: Florence Foster Jenkins, with Meryl Streep and Hugh Grant; The Girl on the Train, with Emily Blunt; The Greatest Showman, with Hugh Jackman and Michelle Williams; Life, with Jake Gyllenhaal and Ryan Reynolds; Men in Black: International, with Chris Hemsworth and Tessa Thompson; The Snowman, with Michael Fassbender; Doctor Sleep, with Ewan McGregor. And now Dune, opposite Oscar Isaac, Javier Bardem, Zendaya and Chalamet, whom she calls “one of the best actors, if not the best actor of his generation—of this time.” She was similarly impressed by Zendaya, who plays the native Fremen warrior Chani. “She’s quite raw and naughty and fun,” says Ferguson. “She has an enormous f— off attitude.”

When Ferguson first spoke to Villeneuve about appearing in the movie, “he started telling me about this woman who was a protector, and a mother, and a lover, and a concubine,” she recalls. “I was like, ‘I’m sorry. You want me to play a queen and a bodyguard? And you want me to kick ass and walk regally?’ I was like, ‘Denis, why would I want to do that? That’s the last thing I want to do.’ ”

After the call, Ferguson says, “I went downstairs to my hubby and said, Oh, my God, he’s amazing, but I’m not going to get the job. I just criticized the character.” Ferguson worried she was being cast as a stereotypical “strong female character,” where “it’s constantly, ‘She looks good, and she can kick.’ That is not what I want to portray.”

Ferguson hasn’t always been able to work with collaborators who’ve given her the space to question or opine. “I’ve been bashed down. I’ve been bullied,” she says, though she opts not to say by whom. That was never a concern with Villeneuve, who welcomed her critique. He and his co-writers had already decided from the start to make women the focus of their screenplay adaptation, and he promptly offered her the part.

“I want Lady Jessica to be at the center, the forefront. For me, she’s the architect of the story,” Villeneuve says. “I needed someone who will convey the mystery and the dark side of the film in a very elegant and profound way. Rebecca was everything I was hoping for. She’s so precise. She brought a beautiful, controlled vulnerability—it becomes very visceral on-screen.”

Ferguson vaguely recalls trying to watch the 1984 version of Dune, directed by David Lynch, in her youth, but she fell asleep. And she had never opened Herbert’s novel until being offered the part in the new adaptation. As she dug into the book, she says, she learned that her character was subservient and far more like a concubine, forced to eat alone in her bedroom, not spoken to and not allowed to speak. Ferguson ended up relying primarily on Villeneuve for her research and prep—his notes and comments, his references and the pages in the book he suggested she focus on. “I would feel ignorant not to have read Frank’s book at all,” Ferguson says, though she admits there are parts of the sprawling novel (which Villeneuve is splitting into two films) she’s only skimmed. “I have to finish it.” That will not happen on her upcoming vacation, however. “Absolutely not,” she says “I am surfing.”

By the way, if you saw, I am snaking on the ground, snaking around my room to get good Wi-Fi—it’s not some dance or yoga thing,” Ferguson says. “You have to do that in this old house.” It’s a week and a half after our first meeting, and Ferguson is at her new home, a more than 500-year-old property southwest of London that has, over the years, been home to numerous English Royals. It’s more spartan than stately now. “Empty except for a rock star,” she says, turning her phone’s camera to reveal a framed duotone poster of Mick Jagger that’s leaning against the wall. “We haven’t even started renovating.

Ferguson has returned from her holiday fortified and with renewed confidence, thanks in part to her success on the surfboard. “I went up nearly every time,” she says cheerfully, “but the waves weren’t very high.” She shrugs. “I was proud. I was up. I rode them, not the other way around.”

After years of going with the flow, Ferguson is eager to replicate that sense of control in her career. She values her role as an executive producer on Wool, she says, “because I am, for the first time, a part of it from the beginning.” She relishes weighing in on every aspect, from casting (the show recently added Tim Robbins) to cinematography to her character—which has not always been easy for her. “Why do I feel it’s difficult to speak up? I still battle with these things,” she says. Alluding to those times she was pushed around in the past, Ferguson says, “I was angry, but it was more me getting off at ‘How can I let that happen? Why am I letting myself react this way?’ And I take it with me to the next thing where I go, ‘OK, how do I stop that from happening?’ ”

She is learning that she can ride on top of waves without giving up her agency or maybe just let them break against her. “I want to feel I can go home and think, That was a hard day or that pissed me off—and that’s OK,” Ferguson says, with a nod and tight smile. “Because I still stood there as Rebecca. I didn’t shift.”

[gotbts7fics]

Positive | Five |

| Four | July 2018 (1) | Six |

“I don’t know if this is a smart idea. Like, being in the same city of them is risky let alone going to their concert.” Owen said to you as he wrestled to put Ayla into her outfit. She was pretty feisty for an eight month old baby, way more than Jaidyn had been. Ayla, your sweet, beautiful Ayla. She had been born on October 10th, 2017. Ironically the day of her father’s comeback, go figure. She was a perfect mix between you and JB, albeit having adopted his terrible temper. Having Ayla was something incredible. She was the one thing that encapsulated the love you lost, having gained love again. Jaidyn had been thrilled to find out she was having a baby sister, and true to her nature, she was an unbelievable helper. Jaidyn had grown so much in the past year, she was a laid back child, going with the flow and enjoying adventures. She had settled relatively easy back in Canada. There had been tears when she learned that you and JB had ended things. Oh there had been tears, and then she was sad he would never know of her baby sister. She was angry to for a bit, but life goes on. Now she was happy and excited.

“The likelihood of them seeing us in Toronto is like… none. And we will blend into the crowd at the concert. It’s fool proof. Besides, think of Jaidyn, she still misses him. This is a way for her to see him without him seeing us.” You smiled as you took your squirmy baby from him.

“Also I’ll have you there. You can protect us!” You laughed, Owen only scowled at you. He still wasn’t happy with how you handled things, but he loved those little girls so much. So much that he agreed to tag along to the city with you, to watch Ayla, while you took Jaidyn to the ‘Eyes On You’ concert. Something a few friends were apprehensive of. You couldn’t even imagine running into them. It wouldn’t happen. Toronto was way to big. Owen was finishing packing your bags and bringing them out to the car. He was an amazing man, you couldn’t help but admire. He had been there, to pick your crying pathetic ass up from the airport. He wrapped his arms around you and kissed your forehead, grabbing your bags and leading you and Jaidyn to his truck. After you came home he took care of you two, feeding you and making you laugh. You had changed your number quickly after returning, and deleted all the members off your social media. Even then you had been extremely careful of what you posted, in case a mutual friend saw something. You literally removed yourself from their life. It had hurt, god it had hurt. You almost messaged JB several times, like the day of his comeback when Ayla entered the world. Or when Jaidyn had done something amazing at gymnastics. Everything you were excited for and wanted to share with him you couldn’t, and that’s where Owen came in. He was there. He was there for everything and you appreciated him so much for it.

“Are you ready, because I am, and let me tell you… this drive is going to suck without coffee” Owen said, pulling you away from your thoughts.

“Yup, all set” You replied making your way to the door. Jaidyn had already run off and climbed into the car, anxious to head to the City. With the house locked and the car packed, your little family was off to the City for a few days vacation.

“Hyung! Do you want to come to the mall with us. Let’s go shopping?!” Youngjae yelled, making JB look up from his phone. It was the last picture he had taken with you and Jaidyn. It was his lock screen, his home screen, hell he’s pretty sure he made it every screen and printed it out for places around the dorm and his studio.

“No thanks, I’m going to rest.” He mumbled, looking back at your smiling faces. Just over a year had passed, a whole year where he had thrown himself into work, not wanting to believe you were gone. He had tried to contact you. Several times a day in the beginning, even having the other members try. When you had changed your phone number he moved to social media, only realizing you had deleted him, and the others. You had ripped his heart out, and now you made it completely impossible for him to contact you. He had been angry, so angry towards you. He tried to get over you time and time again. He dated other girls, but it never went far. A few dates in he called it off, they weren’t you. No one was you. He wanted you, he wanted his daughter, he wanted the little family you gave him. So he threw his whole being into work. The song face on their 7 of 7 album was about you, how he had prayed you would hear it and reach out to him, realizing he needed you, but you never did. The other members tried to help him move on, but gave up. They supported him, regardless of how it hurt them to see him still hung up on you. They weren’t angry at you anymore though. Just upset and confused on how you could just leave. Each one of them missed you in their own way, and they still secretly tried to find you. JB knew this when going through Jackson’s phone once for a certain picture. He had seen the attempts to text you.

“Are you sure. We don’t come to Canada often, it will be nice to get out….” Jinyoung said cautiously.

“I’m okay, thanks. Have fun.” JB replied without looking up. Toronto, being in Canada, it hurt. He knew your home town was only 3 hours away, and when it was announced that they would be in Canada, he tried to figure out exactly how he could track you down, showing up on your doorstep. Sadly, he couldn’t. So here he was, staring at your picture, wishing with all his might that you would show up to his concert, like you used to in Seoul.

“Okay, well…. we will see you later” Jinyoung said, leaving with Youngjae to visit the Eaton Centre.

Exhausted and lonely, JB went to his hotel bed and simply decided to nap.

“You brought me shopping… and not even at Bass Pro. This is torture” Owen exclaimed, pushing a sleeping Ayla in the stroller as you held Jaidyn’s hand, walking into the Eaton Centre.

“Come on!!! It’s fun! This place is the best!” You smiled brightly at him.

“YEAH! And they have the Disney store!!!!!” Jaidyn yelled, jumping like a little bunny full of excitement.

Owen smiled fondly at the two of you, meaning you had won this battle with your charms. Walking around the shopping centre brought you a feeling of peace. So many stores you didn’t have at home that you could spend hours in. Walking among the many individuals browsing, you made your way to the Disney store, as per Jaidyn’s request.

“Can we please, please buy something?” Jaidyn asked in her cute way when she really wanted something.

“We will see” You replied with a smile.

“I’ll wait outside with the baby, no use for us going in”

“Really…..”

“Yeah, we will be right there when you come out” He said with a chuckle, pointing to a bench, as you approached the store front, conceding that he would not walk into the store with you, opting to play on his phone while he waited. You and Jaidyn left him, and walked into the store of happiness.

Youngjae and Jinyoung had been walking around for a while now, hardly being noticed, so the two were just enjoying the time. While walking along the corridor glancing around, Youngjae looked into a store with toys and kids running around. Youngjae faltered in his steps, looking up he noticed he was in front of a Disney store.

“Why did you stop?” Jinyoung asked, with a quirked eyebrow.

“No reason, Hyung, lets wait a minute” Youngjae said making his way to the glass wall railing that overlooked to the floor below, not bothering to wait for a response from the older man.

“Why?” Jinyoung asked again. Youngjae was ignoring him, but his eyes were trained on the entrance of that store.

“What are you waiting for? Just go in if you want, don’t stand here” Jinyoung said in annoyance.

“Maman!”

Jinyoung whipped around to the entrance of the store, he knew that voice. Oh god, he knew that voice so well.

“Maman, lets go!”

Jinyoung held his breath, when the little girl who was calling to their mom stepped out of the store, Jinyoung gasped. It was her. The little girl he read stories too, who had dance offs with. There she was, right in front of him.

“Hyung…” Youngjae went to move forward, only for Jinyoung to grab his wrist, shaking his head as Youngjae looked at him. They waited with bated breath, watching the entrance that she was standing in front of. A few seconds later, you emerged holding a multitude of bags and a smile on your face. You didn’t notice them, instead you looked at your daughter, who was running ahead of you. They watched you walk over to a man standing opposite of them. They watched as he took the bags from you and put them under a stroller. Jinyoung’s eyes went wide, a stroller. Youngjae was staring, he couldn’t believe it. There you were, with Jaidyn, another man, and with a stroller. Jaidyn was way to old for a stroller.

As if by the grace of god, the little person in the stroller started to cry. They watched as you bent down and picked up the baby, snuggling it close. Youngjae looked at Jinyoung with a shocked expression.

“Oh shit. Hyung… is that… do you think….?” Youngjae asked unable to form a true sentence.

“We don’t know anything. Let’s not jump to any conclusions.” Jinyoung said, but he had an aching suspicion on the reason why you had left Korea now. He closed his eyes for a minute. Should he follow you, should he tell JB. His mind was muddled on what to do.

“Come on Jaidyn, we need to head to the hotel now. We need to rest well for the concert tomorrow”

“Maman, do you think Appa will see me?” Jaidyn asked, you could tell she wanted to see JB so badly.

“No sweetie, remember I told you Appa is very busy. We will go support him but don’t be upset if he doesn’t see you in the crowd okay?” You said with a smile.

Jinyoung looked back at Youngjae, who was taking a picture of the scene in front of him.

“What are you doing?!” Jinyoung whispered harshly.

“We have to tell Hyung!” Youngjae whined.

“Omg are you nuts, what if she sees us!” Jinyoung said turning around to face somewhere other than at you.

“Did you hear though, she’s going to the concert!” Youngjae said with a smile.

“Youngjae, I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing” Jinyoung said. Honestly, he didn’t know what he felt, other than chaos.

“Let’s follow them!” Youngjae exclaimed.

“What… NO! Why would we do that?” Jinyoung was losing his mind right now.

“Because then we will know which hotel she is at… duh. Honestly Hyung, why aren’t you thinking?” Youngjae said as he began to walk after you.

“Omg Youngjae!” Jinyoung called after him.. jogging to catch up. This was a bad idea, Jinyoung thought.

“Lets walk by the TORONTO sign!” Jaidyn squealed. She was full of energy, running this way and that.

“Can you at least stay close?” Owen warned. It was the beginning of summer and the square was absolutely crowded.

“Hey! Look!” Jaidyn said running forward to all the flags.

“She is so happy” You remarked, looking towards Owen. He was pushing the now back asleep baby for you. He would never admit it, but he was enjoying this little trip.

“Yeah, she is. But are you?” He questioned, keeping his eye on the eight year old who was running in every direction.

“I am”

“Nervous?”

“Yes, now that I am here… I am but I know the likelihood of being seen is so small. He probably wouldn’t even recognize me”

“Sure, three years of dating, and he just forgets about you. Do you know what he’s been up too?”

“No, I’m sure he is dating some really beautiful idol. Ya know? Living his life normally” You said with a faint, but sad smile.

“Maybe, you deserve happiness Y/N. Don’t think that just because you have the girls that no one will love you, and them whole heartedly. You should open yourself up again.”

“The girls are my priority. Besides, I’m not ready. My heart still belongs to him” You looked at Owen, who was now looking at you.

“He doesn’t deserve it” He snapped, turning back towards the Toronto sign, where Jaidyn was playing.

You looked at your eldest daughter, smiling and laughing as she ran around. Owen had been there to catch her when she fell, he had dried your tears, maybe he was right. Maybe it was time to let go and live happily.

“Hyung, look how happy Jaidyn is. I want to hug her and run too” Youngjae said as he watched Jaidyn. Jinyoung couldn’t help it, he also was watching the little girl play. It had been a long year. Everyone had been lost in the beginning when  you had left. Their hearts broken, missing both of you. JB had thrown himself into work, to the point that it was almost scary. For a year they had been busy working and preparing for this tour, but the hole never closed. There had been so much anger for Jinyoung. He was close to you and for you to just leave, it hurt so much. Now, seeing you with a man and your daughter that anger had returned in full force.

“Youngjae, we need to go” Jinyoung interrupted Youngjae’s private photo shoot.

“You can’t keep taking pictures like that”

“Whyyyyyyyyyyyy!” Youngjae whined.

“Because, it looks weird. Come on, lets go back to the hotel” Jinyoung began to drag the reluctant Youngjae towards their accommodation for the next few days.

“But Hyung, don’t you want to find out where they’re staying!?”

“Absolutely not, you’ll tell Jaebum-hyung and that would be bad!” Jinyoung exclaimed.

“He deserves to know.”

“Youngjae…. lets go.”

You and Owen had sat down on a bench, watching Jaidyn run around the square to release energy, being oblivious to the two men who also watched her. Jaidyn had seen them though. She stopped for a moment and looked right at them, before giving them a wave and running to you.

“Maman, I’m hungry” your little big girl stated.

“Yes! Let’s go eat” Owen shouted, getting up and grabbing her hand, leading her towards the hotel. You laughed and stood, bending down to put something in the overflowing basket of the stroller. When you stood up you looked around for the two who had seemingly disappeared. Your eyes caught movement to the left of you, and you could have sworn you recognized those backs. No way, you thought. Taking another minute before you went after your daughter and best friend.

“Nahhhh, no way” you chuckled to yourself, you were simply being ridiculous. There was no way you were going to fun into any member of GOT7, that would be a way to cliche sappy romcom story, like the fics you secretly read once the kids were asleep.

JB was lying on the hotel bed, going over some lyrics he was playing with. He missed how you used to tease him. Telling him to put them away and come back later to them. He would always scoff, but you were right, breaks helped him so much. God he missed you. Missed the way you would fall asleep on the couch waiting for him. Missed how you would show up to dance practice with Jaidyn just because. He missed the way you argued with him over the dumbest things. He missed everything. A whole year of missing you, Jaidyn, birthdays and Christmas. A year without you and yet the pain was still the same. He had visited his parents shortly after you had left. His mom had held him and let him cry. She was understanding of you, had said that there must be a bigger reason on why you had left, but she had been adamant that you loved him. Well if you loved him why the hell did you leave him. He wanted to marry you one day. He wanted to put Jaidyn on his family registry. He wanted you and only you.

Now he was laying on this bed, in this hotel, in your damn home country and he had no idea how to find you. Did you know he was here? Did you still keep up on him? Sighing, he rolled over, looking out the window.

He was lost in his thought when there was a sudden urgent knocking on his door. Reluctantly, he got up and opened it, just to tell which ever member it was to go away.

“Hyung!” Youngjae came flying in, followed by Jinyoung.

“YOUNGJAE!” Jinyoung yelled.

“YAH! What do you want? I was trying to sleep” He said running his hand over his face, getting up from the bed.

“I saw her hyung! We saw her!!!” Youngjae rushed out. Jinyoung was standing there, looking like he didn’t know what world he was in.

“Who? Youngjae slow down.” JB said, as Jinyoung shut the door and turning to the overly excited younger man.

“JAIDYN!” Youngjae said with a huge smile on his face. JB’s face went pale. Jaidyn, his little girl?

“Wh-what?” JB stammered.

“Hyung, we saw Jaidyn! Look” Youngjae whipped his phone open to show JB the pictures he had taken of the little girl.

“Wh-where? Where was she?” JB was going through the pictures. His little girl, oh god his little girl, was in this city.

“At the mall hyung, we didn’t talk to her, we just saw her briefly” Jinyoung said.

“Hyung, she is going to the concert. Maybe we can find her there!” Youngjae was smiling from ear to ear.

“And y/n?” JB whispered out.

“Uh, yes. We saw her too.” Jinyoung said hesitantly. JB noticed the tension filling the air when he asked about you. Something was off, but he wasn’t going to question it right now. You were here, you were here with his girl, going to the concert. He was going to find you. He was going to find you and remind you about how much you loved him and how he loved you. He was going to get you back.

“Jaidyn are you ready?” You called from the bathroom. Your trip to Toronto thus far was amazing, a much needed time for you, how ever at this moment your anxiety was running through the roof. It was the concert day, which meant in exactly three hours, you were going to be in a crowded arena with screaming fans, looking at the love of your life. What if he saw you, what if he saw Jaidyn?

At this point you weren’t sure if you even cared.

You heard the baby squeal from inside the room.

“AYLA!” Jaidyn yelled

“Mom!!! Ayla won’t give me my BamBam socks!” Jaidyn yelled.

Laughing you exited the bathroom.

“Why does she have them in the first place” looking at your baby who was sitting on the floor. When Ayla saw you, she started crawling towards you, with a sock in her mouth.

“Oh Ayla, drop the sock.” You said laughing as you picked her up, taking the sock and handing it to Jaidyn.

“Can we leave soon!! I am so excited!” Jaidyn said, putting her socks on.

“Yes, in a few minutes we will go baby.” You mumbled smushing Ayla’s face against yours for kisses.

“How late will you two be?” Owen asked from the bed. You sat down across from him, lifted your shirt and began to feed Ayla.

“Concert is over at 11, so like after that.” You said, playing with Ayla’s hair while she ate.

“Make sure you have your phone. Walking that late at night, in the city….. please text me” He said. You laughed, this poor guy was so protective of you.

“Yes dad” You chuckled. He smiled and went back to playing on his phone.

“Okay, there’s 2 bottles of breast milk in the fridge, and her snacks. I doubt you will need them, but they’re there for ya. Have fun with her tonight, and thanks. I appreciate you coming and watching her for me.” You said as Ayla finished, standing and passing her to him.

“Of course, I’d do anything for you” He stood up taking the baby and walked you to the door. Kissing Jaidyn and then your forehead.

“Be careful, please.” His voice held a hint of worry.

“Promise” You said as you grabbed Jaidyn’s hand and left.

“Ready baby?”

“Ready maman”

JB was a bundle of nerves, more than normal. Sound check had went smoothly, everything was great. The guys were feeling wonderful and ready to put on a killer performance. JB was ready to put his everything into this concert. He wanted his fans proud, but he also wanted you to be proud, if you actually showed.

“Do you think she actually is coming?!” Jackson asked, tearing JB from his thoughts.

“Well Jaidyn said she was coming to the concert!” Youngjae said plopping down beside Jackson on the couch.

“But is it this concert?” Mark asked.

“It has to be! She would never miss seeing her favourite member” BamBam said.

“It doesn’t matter. Tonight we will put on an amazing show for our fans. Everyone, I want you to concentrate and have fun, be safe too. No injuries” JB turned on the leader switch. Ensuring everyone's safety was priority.

Their manager announced what time it was and the members scurried to get ready.

“Hyung….” JB said quietly pulling his manager aside.

“She’s here.. I think…” He said to the older male, his manager looked shocked at this.

“Is she, really?” he quirked an eyebrow, JB understood his hesitation. His manager had picked him up on more than one occasion since you left. JB worried that one day his manager would lose it on him, tell him to get over you.

“Yes…. can you… you know…. help me to try and find her…. like you always do?” His manager smiled, for the past year he was helping to look for you, he had found your social media but it was private so he couldn’t access it. He always had a picture of you and Jaidyn to show the security workers, just in case you decided to show up. Tonight was no different.

“I will go see the head of security, if she comes… I will find her” He patted JB’s shoulder and went to leave. JB sighed in relief and went to get ready.

“Mommy, I am so hungry!” Jaidyn complained.

“Well… you’re the one who wanted to come wait in line. I can buy you food once we are inside” You smiled at her.

“Fine….” she pouted.

“Look, any minute now the doors will open okay, it’s almost 7pm” You reassured her. After what felt like forever, the doors finally opened. After proceeding to get in, the two of you walked around the venue before purchasing a hot dog and heading to your seats. Jaidyn was ecstatic. She was hyper and happy, jumping around in her seat waiting for the show to start.

“We saw her” the manager said as he walked back stage.

“WHAT?!” a chorus of voice shouted, looking towards him. They saw you, JB thought.

“Well, where is she?” Yugyeom asked, bouncing forward. He wanted nothing more than to hug you tightly and drag you home with them.

“Sitting in section 107, you guys have a good show. Don’t think about it to much. I will get more information okay.”

“Thank you” JB smiled, for the first time in a year he actually felt happy.

[youngbradford]

Xmas Message For 2019

And here we go, my 19th annual year-end love letter online …Georgi Balinov and I rang in the new year at a giant party in Bangkok, halfway around the world. That foreign location, its beauty and tastes, set the tone for my 2019, a year of seeing the world, while stabilizing my life. Though often in flux or movement, 2019 was a year many things normalized over the year.

In January, almost immediately after arriving stateside, I crossed the pond and saw Michelle Visage perform in the West End with Peter Wish. Afterward, I played with her wigs backstage and walked her towards the queer kids lining up for selfies and autographs. I am very lucky to have Peter and Michelle in my life, kindred spirits both. One reminding me that fame, fortune, ebb, and flow, but that being real is what matters most. The other, a reminder to stay forever young. I visited Berlin yet again and did the usual, working, and playing, hard.

February appeared and I traveled to Philadelphia with Sandra Hansel, Georgi, George Sapio, and Anthony DeFilippis. We toured Lisa Roberts’ house, saw a Dieter Rams exhibit, dined with George Alley. In Lambertville, that Sunday, I bought vinyl and vintage hats. Later that month, I got a swallow tattooed on my hand, a symbol of flight and travel, and Warhol’s knives, blackened into my shin. An Eames exhibit in Oakland was a sweet way to end the month.

In March with my crew, Georgi, Khadyon Reid, Luis Urribarri, Anthony, and George, descended upon Salvador for Carnival. It was insane! I watched Anitta live, and danced in a sea of pushing, fighting, kissing Brazilians for days upon days. I felt unsafe and alive, threatened and excited. It was intense. Back home I got my other hand tattooed, again honoring my love of seeing the world. I traveled to Portland, came back to NYC at the end of the month, finally moving into our apartment, the one we bought 1.5 years before, that I designed, and had renovated head to toe. Finally, we had our dream home. The weekend we moved in, the place was still not ready, but we were sick of living without our things and in other people’s beds. Peg Kendall and Georgi’s mom came, and we worked our asses off unpacking and starting to make the 2800 square foot loft on west 13th street a home. We’d lived in Airbnbs and friends’ places for 19 months and it was tiring not having a home, not having most of our things. My art! My toys! My shoes!. Those months taught me how important a home, a safe place, and the oasis of my collections is to my mental health. From March on I felt more on solid ground and dedicated more energy to my career and friendships as a result.

In April we went to Coachella, seeing Ian and Jose Seronni, JJ and Andrey Lunin, and dancing in the desert of California. Multiple trips to San Francisco, catching glimpse of old friends, scaling my team at work, as I took on more and more responsibility.

In May, George Sapio and I celebrated (me a little early) a shared, fun birthday weekend at Soho Farmhouse. Joined by Matthew Kelleher, Mark Silver, Jaime Tanner, Matt Lynch, and others, we went shooting and feasted on pheasant in the English countryside.June was really busy, insanely so. 

For my 43rd in early June, I had a 30-person dinner party in our new place! We ended up at Club Cumming after, but before friends, new, and old, showered me with a vinyl record, the admission fee I’d set for my party. Lauren Foster, who has shared her home with us, was, appropriately, our first overnight guest. London, again, Berlin, too. Then home for Pride. Willam Ralphie hosted Bingo at eBay, Zach Augustine, David Mason Chlopecki, other loves attended. That weekend danced to both Madonna and Grace Jones on the pier and danced with 15K others at Javitz, where my favorite singer, Cyndi Lauper, belted “I Drove All Night,” her best song, at midnight. I stayed until the sun came up. NYC was electric that weekend. Parties, icons, friends from the world over … the city has an energy you could literally see and taste. I caught a few moments of the parade, overtaking lower Manhattan, and I smiled really big. God, it can feel good being gay! God, the world has improved for gay people (and yes, I know, we still have ways to go, especially for more marginalized LGBTQ groups). But I still took a moment to acknowledge the things that are better, that I have seen in my very gay lifetime. NYC that weekend was the ultimate place to reflect.

July 4th I went to Hamptons, with Ricardo, Brian, Felipe L. Mollica, others, guests of Anthony. Hosted Fab.com reunion, walked the Brooklyn Bridge, and took my team to Korea (where I shared a traditional Korean meal with Jae Hah), China (where I ate bird’s nests, jellyfish, sea snails, saw a Yves Klein show with Adnan Abbasi, and danced to 90s pop in a packed gay club), and Moscow (where I was amazed at how clean the city was and where I went to a traditional sauna and was whipped, naked, with tree leaves in front of dozens of Russian dudes in the nude). While in Russia a protest erupted, literally below the rooftop bar I dined in. Russia seemed freer than I’d expected, way more Western, up until this moment. I ended the weekend at a club at 3 AM, Russian women in high, high heels, dancing on the bar, vodka flowing like water. 2020 saw me traveling to places I romanticized as a child. Russia, one such place. I thoroughly enjoyed the friendships formed in Moscow, the food, and history. I want to return.

August, I was back in San Jose and Portland for work, then off again to Europe for vacation. We started our trip in Croatia, where Georgi and I kayaked around Dbruvnik’s harbor. Croatia’s cliffs and turquoise water did not disappoint, as we boated to islands and swam in caves. Driving south into Montenegro, the architecture reminded me more of Polish, Bulgarian trips, the water, greener. At the Amman we laid out next to The Beckhams, watching David kick a soccer ball with workers of the hotel, and watching Victoria read a book. Georgi and I then ventured to Mykonos, sunning til sunset and dancing til sunrise. A weekend trip upstate with our besties (including a guest appearance by Eric Lee, riding rides at the Colombia County fair, cooking pies, and grilling meats, ended our summer.

In September I went to Berlin and did Folsom and a speaking gig in front of 1K eBay sellers. I went again to Tel Aviv, meeting gay Israeli technology workers and a bevy fo Israeli start-ups. In Jerusalem, I returned to the wonderful Machneyuda with Gilad Ayalon, where they remembered me from my birthday the year before.

October saw us hosting my mother and my niece for a visit. We fell in love with Company XVI, a dance/burlesque/performance art troupe in Brooklyn. I took my mother to see Madonna, a night I will cherish forever. And we saw Dear Evan Hanson. A weekend in Miami with Lauren Foster and K was needed warmth. I took Georgi to see both acts of The Inheritance (so good!).  Then off to Berlin, again, and Paris, where I looked at art and went shopping for fall clothes. Halloween, in NYC, was brilliant and over the top; I went as white Pierrot clown. In Brooklyn, to Honey Dijon, we danced all night. Ralph Rucci, the American couturier reposted our photo on Instagram, calling it high-fashion, however, it was Georgi who won the night as Spock.

November I was in NYC early on, shopping with Thomas Cawson (who hooked me up with pink denim Helmut Lang), eating Christmas cookies, and being interviewed by Buzzfeed, a segment on 90s toys. I imitated a Furby. Then a week in Portland (I glow-in-the-dark-miniature-golfed), and off to Helsinki, catching up with former friends from Fab, One Nordic, Hem. Then to Lapland, with Georgi, George, and Anthony, lapping up wine, winter wonderlands, and dining on reindeer and elk. Dog sledding, snowmobiling, Northen lights! Another childhood desire checked from the list. Dinner with Michelle Case in London closed the month.

In December I went back to Berlin (my second home) and hosted a fundraiser for Single Step in our home. In one night Georgi and I helped raise $50K to help build Bulgaria’s first LGBTI center. It was also an impromptu holiday party: so many old friends together again in one room. And now Georgi and I sit in an airport lounge, awaiting our flight to Baltra, in the Galapagos. Once we land, we’ll board a 7-day cruise on a mega-yacht/small cruise ship. This, I feel, I have been waiting my entire life for.

I often write about how I was lonely as a kid. I was gay, I had a drug-addicted father, I grew up very poor. I oftentimes say music saved my life. But, I don’t write enough about the joy animals gave me too. I had so many pets: newts, turtles, tortoises, tree frogs, geckos, crabs, salamanders, etc. Caring for them, feeding them, gave me peace and allowed me to love. One turtle I had had a cracked shell. He lived in my room for many, many years. I always preferred him, with his defects, to the others. I think I feel the same about people.

As a child, I became obsessed with the Galapagos Islands, and mostly the tortoises. I would read about them in encyclopedias and race to see them at zoos. I always felt connected to turtles. They were my spirit animal. Later in life, I’d bloom, my feathers growing, my pride, alive. I’d no longer consider myself a turtle, my spirit animal changed. I told this story to my colleague Eben Sermon, who runs eBay’s German business: I always wanted to be a turtle. But I ended up a cockatoo. Eben brought this up last week in Berlin and it made me think a bit more about affinities for animals and how I have not had that connection as often as I probably should.

So this week, before we ring in New Years in Rio, I will honor the old me, the kid, the quieter Bradford, the sadder Bradford, by visiting those turtles, finally.

And I’ll marvel at the wonder of nature and evolution, both the evolution of animals and this world, and also the very real and dramatic evolution of my spirit and happiness.

Happy Holidays, Peace & Big Love

[myquirkylife]

The black and white of dieting is fairly simple: eat less, move more, calories in, calories out. Be consistent and watch yourself transform. Right? Well, generally speaking, yes. But unfortunately, not always. Just like life, dieting is not always so black and white.

Perhaps you know someone that despite training hard, eating at a deficit with properly balanced macronutrients/micronutrients and recovering appropriately, they just can’t seem to lose weight? More often than not, factors at fault include:

“Ghost Bites” – aka those bites of your coworkers dessert, those mindless bites while you prepared your meal, those random bites of various snacks at work, those unmeasured spoonfuls of peanut butter, always eating out and guesstimating, etc. They all add up!

Not Actually in a Deficit – They may not be burning as much as they think they are in their training, therefore, not being in a true caloric deficit (more on this later). Or, eating more than they think they are in comparison to their output. Yes, it is true, sometimes in dieting, to get to a specific goal, you have to be in a lower deficit than you think you need to be in. Harsh truth.

Other than the above factors, there are some that fall in the grey area of dieting. Perhaps you’ve heard folks say, “I can’t lose weight because I have a slow metabolism”? Hell, I’VE said that (thanks, thyroid)! People can have slow metabolisms (soooo many factors that contribute to this), but the most important tidbit of information to take away from this post is: a slow metabolism is NOT a life sentence that you are doomed with forever (or to use as an excuse). There ARE ways to remedy this.

But it takes work. By tracking your intake, you are in control of the calories-in – which is extremely important if you have specific goals. Controlling the calories-out, aside from exercise, is more so dependent on your biology, which is where things can get tricky. The human body is extremely complex, and it is your metabolism (a mega machine of organ function, hormones, energy, etc) that dictates the amount of energy your body outputs in a day.

The thing with the human body is that it is extremely durable and will adapt to extreme circumstances when necessary. Some bodies do this quicker than others (hi). So if you’ve been eating really low calories for a long time, even when combined with hard, diligent training, and you’re still not losing weight, chances are that your metabolism adapted to its current state. No, this is NOT starvation mode. Most people, thankfully, won’t ever experience true starvation. What this means is, your body adapted to its current intake as its “maintenance,” so even though you’re technically not eating much, your body doesn’t think it’s in a caloric deficit, it thinks it is maintaining.

So, how can this be fixed? Reverse dieting! Or, simply getting back to (or figuring out) your true maintenance numbers (macros to eat to maintain weight). This is done so that your body can slowly adapt to eating at higher calories, with minimal weight gain while also increasing your metabolic capacity.

Some argue that there is no need to to do this slowly and you can simply go back to eating at maintenance in a 2-3 week window after a cutting phase (Lyle McDonald, PhD), while others argue that this should be done slowly in a 10 week (or more) window to minimize fat gain and give your metabolism time to adjust (Alan Aragon, Avatar Nutrition, in3 Nutrition, Layne Norton, PhD, Sohee Lee). In my humble opinion, if you’ve been cutting for a long time, slowly increasing your food intake can also help you mentally. Big increases in food in a small time frame can easily lead to binging.

So…all this may sound familiar coming from me, right? Well, that is because I have covered this topic before in The Dark Side of Reverse Dieting. Read that post where I go over my personal experience with reverse dieting (at that point) and the parts of reverse dieting that people don’t like to talk about. Folks love to focus on the group of folks that respond extremely well to reverse dieting such as weight loss and can get their macros upwards of 400g of carbs without gaining but that is not as common as you think.

Okay, so now you’re probably asking, “Well Jo, why are you bringing up reverse dieting yet again?” Sigh.

HERE’S THE DEAL

To put it into perspective, I wrote that post in July 2017 and it is now toward end of April 2018. I was in the middle of a reverse diet that I had began in March 2017. Which, five months in was a record for me! As mentioned in that post, I was notorious for starting a reverse, and at any sign of gain, I’d jump back into a cut. And very recently, I was reverse dieting…again. WHAT?!

So, what had happened was…we had a trip to Costa Rica planned for November 2017 and I did not want to go looking/feeling fluffy (can you blame me?). I was advised against going into a cut just yet, that I should give my reverse more time, then go into maintenance for a bit, and THEN cut. Well, vanity and impatience got the best of me and I compromised on doing a “mini cut” right before the trip. I was warned that cutting a reverse short and diving straight into a cut is not a great idea, but that if I’m to do it, that I should stick to the reverse up until October 2017, then for the month of October, do a somewhat aggressive cut (shock the body in a sense), then get back to a reverse when I return. Well, things did NOT go as planned whatsoever because my body is a difficult bitch (hence why I am writing this long ass post about metabolic adaptation).

Basically, the aggressive mini cut did NOTHING for me. I went from eating about 2200 cals to pretty much 1500 cals (without change in training volume) in a span of about three weeks with no change on the scale or body. The frustrating parts were:

Reverse diet that I spent 6 months on, turned out to be a waste because I was back to eating what I was eating pre reverse diet (perhaps even less) AND at a higher weight than when I began reverse because I’m one of the lucky ones that has some fat gain during a reverse (Note: sarcasm – there should be a sarcasm font)

I was compliant 95% of the time during the reverse and 99% compliant during the cut, so it’s not like I was going YOLO style and overeating

I was diligently training hard in weightlifting throughout

What was done, was done. There I was, right before Costa Rica vacation feeling like…

But I got to thinking…I should NOT be stressing about this during my vacation. I had never been to Costa Rica, it was my first international trip with Migs, and I had spent months planning it. I was determined to turn my shit around and have an amazing time. I planned to mindfully eat but not track my food.

This is just a glimpse at the adventures we had on our 10-day trip living that pura vida:

The trip was phenomenal. We laughed, we ate, we drank, we swam, we did adventure. I couldn’t have asked for a better trip. It took a lot of willpower to not think about what I looked like in this bikini or in those shorts or that dress, but I did it well enough and remained in the moment. Pura vida.

Back to Reality

In my last blog post, I went over exactly what took place upon our return from Costa Rica. Rest in forever peace, my sweet Abuelita.

In that last post, I definitely focused on my training and those lifetime PRs that did make me ever so happy! There’s one major plus from truly fueling my body – getting stronger!

What I didn’t focus on in that post was nutrition and my body, well, because I knew it would take some explaining and it needed its own post to do so.

Anyway, so upon getting back, feeling as discouraged as ever (on top of the emotional roller coaster I was on), I basically just went back to the calories I left off of on my cut and mindlessly stayed there for some weeks until January came around and I stumbled on AHub Nutrition‘s Ashleigh Hubbard on Instagram…and was intrigued. I lurked on her for a while on Instagram from afar. I’d click through and see what her clients were sharing, what she shared, her methods – basically, went down a rabbit hole.

Although I felt Avatar did serve me well, my body just does not always respond as typically as most bodies do and feel it requires more patience than the algorithm allows. It responded well to the reverse overall, but the cut method, not so much, which I know is partially my fault for going from reverse to a cut so quickly. For someone who has a fairly responsive body, I feel Avatar is a great, affordable alternative. But ultimately, it does only base your weekly macro tweaks on your weigh ins (weight + body fat measurement + compliance, and for women, menstruation) without any other factors considered. I figured the time may have come for me to take on a coach again. Someone that can take into consideration not only the weight on the scale but also take into account other measurements such as how I’m feeling, whether I dropped the kids off at the pool, my stress levels, my energy, how I’m recovering, my training changes, etc. I KNOW I could do this for myself but let’s be honest, we’re not always as real with ourselves as we are with others.

What sold me on Ashleigh – because it IS a hefty price tag to take her on, I’ll be honest – is how responsive she was before I even hired her. We DM’ed for about a couple hours the night I finally reached out to her. I asked any and all questions and concerns that I had. I explained my situation, warned her my body is notoriously difficult and I let her know I did not want to go through what I went through before with a previous coach (scroll down). Responsiveness is key with me. Most importantly, don’t brush off my concerns when I have them. She reassured me of all my concerns without giving me blanket responses and added a bonus: her clients have her cell number and can text her with any questions or to just chat.

Time to get to business. Time to make a plan. And she told me what I knew was coming (but was somehow hoping not to come to this). The only way to really get me out of the hole of eating such low calories and not seeing any results was to reverse diet me…AGAIN. Ugh. I expressed my feelings about doing a reverse AGAIN, potentially gaining weight AGAIN, spending months on a reverse AGAIN when I had just spent 6 months on one. I said and asked all these questions, knowing the sad, sad answer already before she even said it. I don’t have much a choice if I want to get my body and metabolism in order. It’s either, remain eating very low calories and lowering them even more with the possibility of still not seeing any change (and have my performance suffer) or reverse diet, but this time go into a maintenance phase, and then cut. And of course, taking into consideration more than just weight on scale the whole time (biofeedback) and adjust accordingly.

Ugh, fine. So here I am. I started the reverse with Ashleigh in January and my reverse just ended a couple weeks ago. From when we started I gained about 3-4lbs – which to some, may seem like nothing. But if you think about the overly aggressive reverse (aka bulkI didn’t ask for) I was put on post op by my previous coach where I gained nearly 10lbs, then the reverse I was very recently on where I had also gained about 3-5lbs (with Avatar) – it sure adds up and IS a lot. I am now on maintenance for the month of April with a week diet (mental) break at the end of the month where I won’t track macros which is also when I’ll be out of town for work. And then, when I’m back in town…

Time to cut! I am hopeful that it will go well this time under the watchful eye of an attentive coach. Another thing I already knew before Ashleigh mentioned it, was that it is very likely that I will ultimately have to go very low in calories due to how my body has responded historically. But luckily, she said she won’t keep me so low for too long and, I don’t have trouble eating low calories when I have to. I more so get frustrated eating low calories and seeing no changes.

HAVE YOU STRUGGLED?

I’m curious to know my readers better. Aside from the common issues listed in this post, have you also struggled with any body goals? Do you feel your body is difficult to change? Did you end up finding what tweaks work for you?

xx,

Jo

The Joys of Metabolic Adaptation #flexibledieting #nutrition #health #wellness #metabolism The black and white of dieting is fairly simple: eat less, move more, calories in, calories out.

[unravelling-the-world]

I was trying my best, and another friend who always took pictures of us (we took pics of him as well dw) documented all of those moments, i even used a not-permanent spray color hair for that day just so the pictures could be special. I didn't particularly like myself, I never did ,but I was too busy to think about it. When i went out, i felt decent at least. Binder, thick under-eye red/black liner, just the perfect e-boy look i wanted. I felt that, as a pre-hrt person, I was looking as masc as I could while doing the style that makes me comfortable and I want to achieve. I was doing my best everytime we went out to look presentable in the pictures, and I did well 9/10 times. At some point, there was a light festival as well. I went with one friends and my cousin and we had fun. My friend and I took pictures, my cousin didn't want hers taken but we still interacted a lot and had fun, I loved the pics of that day. I never got to post them, because my downfall came soon after. At that point in time, I was finally living the dream. I posted frequently on ig (bc i went out frequently) and even though i wasn't anyone big, no partnerships or anything, not even 1k followers, I was growing, and having been intoxicated by fame at age 12, it was just what I needed. My posts started getting 70 likes on average and 7-10 comments, i only had 500 followers but they were growing at an average of 20 followers/month. A lil tween reached out to me and told me he thought I was really cool and was my fan. Bro, that was awesome. Things were moving forward, and altough i felt afraid of the future, I was working on it all. I was making progress in other aspects as well,having come out formally recently and with help from my psychologist, we were going to start looking into hrt, and i just couldn't believe it. I only have read fast and short info. I never really wanted to inform myself more because deep within me I was just afraid I'd never be able to get it and get my hopes up for nothing. We appointed a session to talk about that. This was march, and at my house, we watched a Japanese channel (because we are all interested in Japanese culture and such) So I knew the coronavirus was coming. They started talking about it since the start, in december, obviously, because they are way closer to where the virus started so it spread faster there. I remember it was on a cruise first. I knew it would eventually arrive here, so through all summer i told my mother "it's only a matter of time." I knew it'd come. March was here, and the last time i went out with my friends came along. Inside my head, I felt like I knew that was the last time. I had thoughts about "I wonder if i'll ever get to see a sight like this again". I managed to take some pictures, because,inside me, I knew that was the last time. I wanted to preserve the memory of it. I didn't want to forget. At the time, with a friend, who took the same metro line as me but lives further away, since it was just us two, when saying goodbye we'd always say "see you in five minutes" (like in endgame, because i told her the whole movie and told her when they said that and then black widow died) and she LAUGHED so hard and it became an ongoing joke between us (we are both kinda suicidal ngl but we just laugh abt it.) We said it that day as well, but we actually never saw each other again lmao

At that point, in the country, there were about 4 covid cases. Only 1 in the capital, so it had started, but was only just the start. When I got home, i kind of knew that was the last. My classes started, and for two weeks, it was hell on earth. Online,obviously. I got paired up with the guy I hated the most in the entire generation (I only knew half of them, and liked even fewer, but this guy. fuck. i would have killed him. he was awful.) Anyways. Yeah. But at the end, classes got postponed until further notice. So I was now a Neet! For a while, even though coronavirus was getting worse and worse here as everywhere, I was doing good. I was living the introvert dream, and since I have a decent/good relationship with my parents and grandma, life was just great. All around me I saw everyone struggle with quarantine. I was having a blast. Playing sims, watching anime, anything went. Shit was great. Got Gta V for free when epic released it, and had a blast. Got obsessed with obey me for a while. It was all fun.... Met via discord with my friends. Almost daily with certain friends, once in a while with others, but the whole group would be together at least once. It was good, for me. I felt good. I would ocassionally wake up and tell my mother that I was happy, and hug her. I don't think i'd ever done that. I was at peak, and I knew it. Drew a lot, played a lot. Did a lot of things and projects. Everything felt ok...My dysphoria wasn't great during these times (since now i stay in pajamas all day except when I use camara to meet with friends, and obviously I dont wear my binder with my pajamas) But i had so much free time, that I could just ignore it. (I'm good at avoiding things. at running away.)

Classes started June 1st. First day, I had a breakdown. I don't remember why, but I couldn't connect to class. I felt overwhelmed. I don't know and don't like asking for help because i feel useless when I do. So I didn't. Apparently I seemed more upset than I thought, because my dad noticed. When comforted or confronted, I always cry. I can't talk about my feelings without crying. I feel weak for expressing them. Even writing this, i feel the knot in my neck. My dad saw and ended up helping and comforting. I cried a lot. I went to class, but spent the whole 3 hours of class crying. Things were unstable for a while, but I was keeping afloat, I guess. I started feeling like shit, I wasn't happy daily anymore. Online learning felt so distant and so difficult and so different. I don't like change. At least not without expecting it beforehand. So yeah, that ended up taking a toll on my mental health. The downfall started. I was quite busy, but still tried to meet with friends via discord whenever we could. We had some online birthdays, and season 3 of osomatsu san had already been announced. I was looking forward to it so much. I was in pain, but that thought was keeping me going. I started getting worse, mentally. I started isolating myself ocasionally. I have quite long gaps from this period. I can't really recall much of what happened or what it was like. At some point around August-September I was watching 6teen, because my uni decided that starting a semester and compressing it into a trimester was a good idea, and finals were in september, i think. At the time of finals, i was watching 6teen. I didn't wanna finish it, so I started total drama after. I had a week of vacation in September as well, and I think I was OK for the week.

I won't lie. I don't remember october. I only know Osomatsu-san started here bc I waited for it all year long. I regained closer contact with a friend who lives in japan. Halloween also had an online meeting. I cosplayed, and felt good with myself for the night, for the first time in months. But I ended up having a breakdown later that night. A friend who didn't come and had said he'd come ended up arriving very late (2-3AM ish, meeting was at 10PM) He was very drunk. I don't mind. He says he just came to say sorry he didn't come bc he ended up meeting with irls. We tell him it's ok. He disconnects. He reconnects not long after, but we are confused, since that's not his voice. It was his friend who took his phone, a classic party prank. Doesn't matter, it was fun for a bit. This guy is also mad drunk, so talking to him is weird and funny. But shit gets bad for me in a bit. I was using a voice changer, as I usually do online, because Im ashamed of my high pitched voice. But this guy misgenders me, more than once, and also my friend who lives in japan. He doesn't seem to care, and I act like I don't, but it hurts so bad. My other friend who was there at that time corrects him, more than once. I felt thankful to her. I never thanked her afterwards because I didn't know how to bring out that topic without crying. This guy is very drunk though, and altough i doubt he had vile intentions because of the way he phrased it, he insists, that those are womans voices. They talk about it a bit, verbal comebacks. I wanted them to stop. At some point, my friend who lives in Japan leaves bc its lunch time for him. I felt like shit. I just told this other guy "I'm 10" and he dropped the subject, he believed me and the explanation. My friend laughed her ass out, because she thought I said it as a joke. Truth is, that was just a desperate answer to get him to drop the topic. I dont really care if he believed I was 10 or not though. I just wanted it to stop. He jokes with my friend for a bit more. I didn't talk much after, because I felt ashamed. I didn't want to talk ever again. Even now, even with the voice changer, I don't have the confidence I had when I started using it. I have lowered the pitch twice, just in case. My friend left the call a bit later. When she left, I left as well. I was thankful to her though. I don't remember if i cried or not, but it caused me a massive breakdown for about two weeks. I didn't talk online with anyone until my birthday, I think. I didn't tell anyone but my psychologist this.

I don't remember November much either. I know it's my birthday, and I know I came back to tumblr in november. Yall know when. Canon destiel and shit. Tumblr hadn't felt so alive in years. It felt like home. I remember I was having a bad breakdown during that time. I think it was career related. I can't really remember much. The shitshow happening on tumblr Destiel Election actually helped me get better. I remember this only because of a conversation I had with a friend. I started working on christmas decorations as well. December came along, I worked hard on christmas decorations. I played a bit as well, because on some of my classes I just didn't have anything to do lol. Decorations were finished two weeks in advance for christmas. For the first time ever! I was happy. During these times,Nov-Dec lockdowns started easing up a bit. I still can't go out at all though, because I live with my grandmother, so we're supposed to minimize risks. My parents only go out for shopping essentials that can't be bought online. So it's fair and I understand it, but it started becoming hard on mental health. Not because I can't go out, but because my friends start going out. They know I can't go, they don't exclude me, but they know I can't and I also know I can't. I guess in a form, its jealousy. It becomes hard because there's no one to blame. It's no one's fault. I'm not excluded on purpose, but the truth is, I don't want to hear them talk about what they do when they have fun. I've always been insecure. Even when all evidence points otherwise, I still believe, deep inside,they hate me. They wish I weren't in the group and would be better off without me. It gets hard sometimes.

Even though in general December was quite good, it also came with a major breakdown. One of my best friend's bday is in December. Up until then, Me, her, and another friend had been playing league of legends nearly daily. It was toxic sometimes (the game/community, not my friends) but we had fun. I just liked playing together. But that would come to an end as well. My friend celebrated her birthday, and did invite me, but obviously I couldn't go,and she knew this beforehand, so she didn't get mad or anything. She handled the situation very well, wrote on the gc once, and then did a special gc for birthday attendants to talk about details there and such, and reminded friends who asked in the gc to talk in the birthday gc. (this is how i knew, but i think it was well done tbh, i wish they'd just asked in the bday gc instead so i wouldn't have seen it and felt bad about how i couldn't go) My friend also offered to have me as an online guest, like, being in videocall in the computer on the table. like Karen from spongebob ig. the idea was cool, but honestly i felt bad. She celebrates her bday with her gf bc their dates are near, and I just didn't really want to inconvenience them? I mean, her gf is cool and she used to hang out with our group ocassionaly and she was cool and fit in, and it never felt awkward talking to her irl or anything but it's not like she's my friend and honestly I didn't wanna inconvenience her party, and even though I'm sure my friend wouldn't have minded, I didn't want to be an extra inconvenience for her too. I just wanted her to have fun, honestly. But feeling like a burden ended up weighing on my mind. This caused a bad bad breakdown, beforehand I had started to become better,little by little, but these two weeks waiting for that event to happen felt like a nightmare to me. I didn't tell anyone. I think i wrote it about here once. Around this time, an account on instagram called "matsunoadvice" got reccomended to me, and Oh boy Have I gone to them for advice. Of course, I sent them a message at the time, desperate for someone to talk to, because I couldn't tell anyone about this, because all my other friends know each other kinda and i didn't wanna inconvenience everyone. I didn't want anyone to know i felt like shit. I felt thankful to my friend, because she did try her best to include me, I just didn't really wanna inconvenience anyone. I guess I'd rather suffer alone myself than being a pain in the ass for someone else. After all, I've accepted that I'm alone long ago, and since now there's nothing I can do to maintain my social relationships now,I may as well just accept that theyre ending now. I kind of isolated myself for those two weeks, sometimes i would still connect on discord, but it always felt kind of distant. I stopped playing league of legends around this time.

I still hadn't confirmed to my friend if i was virtually going or not. Truth is, i kind of knew I probably wouldn't want to go in the end, bc im Like That™ But i told her in advance that i'd let her know the date of the event early in the day because of how unstable I am and I wouldn't actually be sure until the day (which was true when I told her) So the day of the event i told her that I was thankful but I wouldn't be assisting virtually and told her to have a great day! She replied okay in a nice way as she always did. I don't think she seemed weirded out by my answer. I hope she didn't feel bad, because she's very empathetic so I hope she didn't think about me at all that day. I hope she never reads this, and even if she does, she didn't really do anything wrong and handed the situation the best she could, the pain was unevitable for me due to the situation. beforehand i had also had a similar breakdown though, because 3 friends who i was/am? still very close to started meeting each other to skate together. I don't know how to skate/have never skated and obviously can't go either way, and sometimes they'd talk about it in the vc. I remained calm always until the call ended,but I did cry about it late at night. It's selfish, of course, but when no one saw anyone, it was easier. we were all the same. But now it felt like they were all moving on without me. In a way, it's what I always wanted, but I always wished to die first. I know it's not sane, but i'd imagined situations like that in my head, where I die and then everyone moved on and it made me feel calmer. But seeing that unfold before my eyes, when i'm still breathing here, i'm still here. It felt lonely. I'm glad they're having fun. I'm just upset I can't do it as well? And it makes me feel like inevitably my relationships with them will break and fall apart and dissapear and they're all still gonna be a interwined network, even though I did everything I could to maintain it because it's all I've ever had outside of my direct family? I didn't make any friends at uni or have a different group of friends so it just...hurt? It still hurts, i'm just more used to it. Also after the bday i did try to connect in vc but it just made me worse, like a friend said like "noo it got too wild honestly u didnt miss anything" and i was like lmao ok but i felt like kinda sad anyways but if i was there i wouldve probably slept through it anyways

...after i felt awful bc i have another friend who is just kinda blunt and kinda dumb when it comes to how others feel, and he was like ohh yeah but after the bday [friend] took us and some of [friends gf's friends] to our houses and since it was early we went to a mcdonalds and it was so fun !! and it was just so uncomfortable bc obviously im glad you have fun but like i dont wanna know??? bc it hurts a fuckin lot???? and my other friend who was also in vc (he was the one w the car) he was like "haha yeaaa it was fun" but he seemed quite uncomfortable talking abt it he could probably tell i didnt wanna hear and ik my other friend only did it bc he's naive not bc he had bad intentions but yeah it sucked i was like haha thats great heh.....like what ya want me to say babe

Christmas arrived and it ended up helping me a lot. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I decorated a month in advance, baked cookies for the first time (with my mom) and we just did a lot of things this year. It made me happy and kept me occupied through the pain (I know i described a lot of pain here but I only paid attention to it at night, which is why it still hurts now probably bc i've had it all repressed) And of course the gifts, honestly I didn't know what to expect because this year I didn't really know what to ask for and just asked for a surprise (because i love receiving things! anything) And my dad definetely outdid himself with all the gifts, I loved them and they're all useful too! I was amazed and i told my friends abt it and it ended up in me talking more in the vc again, and i also started playing genshin impact in late december as well. We also held a secrer santa in the group but not everyone participated (mostly bc of money) but the 4 of us that did was fun! i knew everyone's secret santa bc 2/4 asked to me for help and they were mutual </3 so i knew me and my other friend were mutual too lol but it was cool. I kinda was a bitch a bit though bc he delievered my gift to my home and was going to come a random day and I just wasn't prepared bc I was afraid of seeing him honestly I didn't want to see him and I hoped he wouldn't come? He didn't come that day but he did come some days after, I truly wasn't ready at that point anyway and my mom said we could let him inside if he sanitized, but he came with his mother and didn't get out of the car, we just exchanged the gifts, and honestly I was glad, i was polite and just said hi to both and thanks and all! Obviously i love him a lot bc we're close but idk why i didnt want him to come into my house i just feel like im so boring now and I dont know what we couldve talked abt and honestly ive always been shy but now i just forgot how to socialize and i was terrified so when he didnt get out i was just glad.....well, also

I feel like all of these incidents separated me and my friend who had her birthday on december. Now she wouldn't join the vc or gc often (or say she couldn't, which she usually did before) so I just assumed she hated me, but i didn't really have the guts to ask? She still liked my memes on the gc sometimes but not as she used to, she always used to like every single meme (or nearly all) and she never talked over me (I always get talked over except when I'm drunk bc i become a bit less shy therefore more violent) and would even call others out for me when talked over and always respected everything i told her abt me (Through the years, i've told her some of my deepest shits bc i just trust her like that i dont mind if she knows) but it just felt distant? Also a bit before that, at the start of december we started streaming on twitch, and that week i was very bad I told her i wouldn't play much bc i wasnt doing well but I was up for streaming bc i rly wanted to be professional abt it even if we dont pursue it as a career, but in the end we didnt stream, and fell out of streaming a bit after that. I was kind of afraid to ask her if she wanted to stream again, but we'd talked once and she said she'd finally gotten the cat earphones for the streams (she mentioned she wanted them beforehand) yeah anyways i dont think she actually hates hates me but idk the idea still lingers in my mind

uh yeah also i felt like shit for a bit bc i thought she definetely hated me bc we hadnt talked in a bit and she didnt like my memes anymore so i just assumed the worst, i even listened to break up music (which is what i do when a friendship ends bc altough ive never rly had strong romantic feelings for anyone that kind of song helps me move on after friend breakups too bc no one warns you abt how painful these are) and i cried obviously, but again i never mentioned it to anyone (i made a few vague textposts here though) and just got my shit together even if it hurt? lol, well a bit of time passes and everything seems to go back to normal, i dont remember how she told us but she said she had a job now which is why she didnt connect much and slept earlier and i felt relief lol bc i legit thought she hated me and i felt like shit abt it lol i mean the idea they kinda hate me lingers in my mind all the time but at that point in life i was like. SURE she hated me until that point. now we ocasionally play genshin together but i cant really talk at that time and that also makes me upset bc i do wake up late and im trying to fix my schedule a bit by waking up at 2pm instead of 5 pm but it doesnt even matter bc i play board games with my grandma daily (bc its good for her and its fun i do enjoy it) i just wish we could do it earlier bc lately she gets up at like 9pm and i end up finishing playing at 11/12/1 and its just kinda late to meet w my friends bc i always have smth to do/finish after and i just cant make it in time even if i wake up earlier? lol but i cant change her schedule so theres nothing i can do but cry about it

oh also ik matsunoadvice gave me advice on this but like there's this friend who i love obviously but sometimes he just talks abt his meetings w other friends and like it only makes me angry as fuck and i cant ask him to not bc im too shy but i wish he could stop. and also when he complains abt skate related stuff it makes me unexplainably angry but like i have no reason or right to im just angry bc i cant do that and probably never will bc i doubt ill ever be able to go out again ?? lol. and he even offered like "when we go out again u should come and ill lend u my skate and if u like it u can get one" and honestly its all super nice and i appreciate it and ive thanked him and told him yes but it just makes me feel angry inside bc i dont see an ending with all the mutations and shit and my voice cracks when i tell him haha yeah if we ever meet again bc honestly my youth is already over and i just spent it like a social recluse and i read a post here when i was younger that said like lgbt people spend their teens closeted and ashamed and live their teens in their twenties but now im gonna miss my twenties to the pandemic and then ill be too fucking old and itll be too fucking late and ill have to die and i just never lived bc i still havent even transitioned yet and i doubt ill ever be able to (this also causes me a lot of pain but i will ignore it) and the other day he said like i hope i can see u this year bc i miss u and i just said that honestly ive lost all hope of ever seeing anyone again and my voice cracked and my other friend said something related but not so related and im just glad he talked in bc i didnt rly care i just wanted to change the topic bc i know ill never see them again and eventually probably lose contact and see them all have fun together without me just as if i was dead but just didnt pass away and its difficult but i have to accept it and it hurts a lot now but in 7 years itll be fine, just like i accepted im unlovable and will never have a s/o and when i was 12 that hurt a lot but now it doesnt so someday i will be alone but i hope it doesnt hurt anymore.

this is all a mess and the format is everywhere and theres no timeline i hope no one reads it. if u do read it im sorry. i just honestly been carrying all of this for a while now and i want it out of my system honestly bc i dont know what to do with it and i was on the verge of a breakdown for a minimal thing hours ago i just want all this info out of my brain.....also obv these are only the bad things that have happened/good things that took me out of the hole but a lot of good things happened too lol and i skipped a lot of imp points like i changed careers and shit and also i met a lot of cool mutuals since i got back to tumblr and ososan been carrying my mental health every monday but yeah i just wanted the negatives out of the system. the frustrations and the anger. i hope no one reads this fr its so messy

[p-redux]

You state Tony as a fact. You state MM as a fact. How do you REALLY have all of the facts??? Shippers ship because it's fun. You state "facts" because you try to be "right." But you are failing miserably because spewing hate towards shippers makes you look ugly. No one has the true facts here, shippers nor anti's. Only S&C have the real truth, and they will reveal that truth when they damn well feel like it, whether it's MM, Tony, or whatever. Or never, which is totally their prerogative.

Hi Anon. You must be new. I’ve answered this question a thousand times it seems. I’m super busy at work, so I’m gonna do rapid fire non edited bullet points.

1. Aside from Sam and Cait THEMSELVES telling us they are not a couple over and over and over again, including in the unprecedented video interview with Kristin Dos Santos, and countless people, i.e. Diana, Terry, Gerry Braiden, the journalist friend of Tony’s etc close to Sam and Cait also saying they’re not a couple…I personally KNOW FOR A FACT Sam and Cait are not a couple, and Cait is with Tony and Sam is with Mackenzie. And here’s how…

2. I used to be in the entertainment industry many moons ago, I live in Los Angeles, 3 years ago someone contacted me who knew someone who had inside info about Sam and Cait. This is who I refer to as my “original industry source.” My original industry source CONFIRMED to me that Sam and Cait were not a couple and were just flirty friends and costars. She knew Sam professionally because they are both repped by the same agency in L.A. and she also had a Cait connection because she is good friends with one of Cait’s actress best friends. This is a LEGIT source that I vetted completely. I know her full identity. She is the real deal and told the truth. I gave her my word that I wouldn’t reveal her identity, so I won’t, and she is currently working on a show so I definitely will not be revealing her. Prior to speaking to her I was a Sam Cait shipper too, but once I talked to her and knew she was the real deal, I did what any normal, sane, mature person does when they’re faced with reality, I put on my big girl panties and got off the ship. 

3. I know for a FACT Tony is Cait’s boyfriend/fiance because once I became known in the fandom as someone who liked to provide Outlander info, a person who lives in Glasgow and knew Tony and his family approached me to tell me she had been told Tony was dating “the lead actress from Outlander.” This source told me that Tony and Cait have known each other for many years and were friends. They had apparently hooked up briefly over ten years ago now, then remained friends and around March of 2014 things turned romantic again. At the time, the source said that Tony and Cait had spent Christmas 2014 with Tony’s dad in London, and that then they had gone to spend New Year’s 2015 in Ireland with Cait’s family and friends. (the pictures of this and video are still on IG). The source said things between Tony and Cait were “dead serious.” 

4. So I have known since the end of 2014 that Cait was with Tony and Sam was not with Cait. Then the Sam and Cody Kennedy pictures came out and we know for a FACT they dated because an eyewitness saw them kissing at at Halloween party and posted about it, and Cody’s MOTHER herself confirmed it on IG. I have the screencaps. Cody’s mom confirmed that Sam and Cody had spent Thanksgiving 2014 in Mexico and that Sam and Cody had “dated for about 4 months until he went back to his old girlfriend in London.” The old girlfriend in London is Abbie Salt, the woman Sam dated from early 2015 to around November 2015. Identifiable known shippers attacked Cody’s mom for saying this and called her Cody’s “pimp.” Yeah, sound like shippers are tons of “fun.” *sarcasm* Again, I literally have 20,000 screencaps saved. Any time anyone wants me to go into my archives, I can PROVE everything I’m saying is true. 

5. As for how I know Sam is dating Mackenzie. Right before Sam and Mackenzie were spotted at the Guns N Roses concert in L.A. on April 1, 2016, a different source gave me the heads up that Sam had started dating Mackenzie, with whom he had been friends since they met at the People’s party October 2014. They must have reconnected at some point and decided to give dating a go. And now we’ve seen Sam and Mackenzie at different events, on vacation together and Sam has allowed articles to be published confirming she is his girlfriend. He has also defended her online from troll attacks more than once. There is NO doubt they are dating and have been since Spring 2016.

6. So these are all FACTS, not speculation, not “we don’t know anything for sure.” I KNOW FOR SURE. That’s why I’m so adamant about stopping lies. 

7. As for your assertion that “shippers ship because it’s fun.” Fun shipping IS fun, the kind where you think a couple is cute together and “wouldn’t it be great if they were together?” and “aww cuties.” Yeah, I get that. Been there, done that. I used to ship Sam and Cait too, until I found out the truth. But the other kind of shipping, the Extreme Shipping, the tinhat shipping, where THOSE shippers have mercilessly attacked, bullied, harassed, doxed anyone and everyone who threatened the ship, THAT kind of shipping is NOT fun. Not for non-shippers, and also not for shippers, because it turns them into miserable, mean, people. Who wants to be like that? As for your other assertion, that I want to be “right.” WRONG. As I have ALWAYS stated, I don’t care about being right, I care about the truth. And since I know the truth 100% for a fact then I’m going to keep saying it. It really is as simple as that. If tomorrow I got a lead that Sam and Cait had started dating, I would post that too…because it’s the truth. And that’s why I’m here.

8. I don’t care how I look. It should be pretty damn obvious to anyone who’s been around long enough that I don’t give a rat’s ass what people think of me. I am me. I like me. Love it or leave it. And I disagree with your notion that I spew hate toward shippers. I have NO issue with regular shippers. Ship away, have fun thinking Sam and Cait are cute together…because they ARE. I think so too.  I only call out Extreme Shippers who attack anyone who threatens the ship and those who continue to spread lies. Lies are bad right? They shouldn’t be tolerated. I don’t get why that’s so hard to understand. 

9. You say Sam and Cait will reveal the truth when they are ready…you’re kidding right? THEY HAVE REVEALED THE TRUTH. Over and over and over and over. in Articles, print interviews, video interviews, walking red carpets with their significant others, going to events with their S.O., going on vacation with their S.O., etc, etc. etc. 

Big long sigh, I’m so tired. I’m sure I’ve missed something. But that’s it. I’ve said this SAME thing I don’t know how many times. It will always be the same…because it’s the TRUTH. And the truth doesn’t change. 

[artemischosen]

2017

  This needs some warnings of #sexual abuse, #animal death, #lesbophobia and it might be very depressing. Don’t read along if you think it will affect you badly.   On June/2017, my mom met a man. Said he lived in Italy for 12 years, that could talk up to three langagues, and that his former wife, mother to his son, used all his money and then threw him away. Little did I know, then.    Not that this sob story moved, or even convinced me. We all know how men act and see women in our society.    A few days later, my mom brought him inside my home to “pass the weekend”, and I didn’t mind. But one day turned to two, that turned to three. I think that’s when I failed. When I should’ve gathered up all my courage and filled my lungs with disagreement. I don’t fully blame myself for that, though. I was already going through rough patches at the time.   2017 was when I got my first real job, along with my first real assault. The few months I spent working there were the months where this filthy 72-year-old man couldn’t keep his hands off me whenever people weren’t looking. I was deeply afraid to speak up, back then. Afraid to lose my job, afraid to be called a liar. He never tried to rape me, thank God, but he was clearly obsessed with me, and I don’t think that thought was behind him. All of that was happening while my mother pushed that other man inside my home & life without my consent.    On the third day, my mom came to me and said that her boyfriend would be living with us. Just like that. Didn’t ask for my opinion, or whether I thought that was okay or not. Of course, I didn’t say anything. I should’ve, but I didn’t. I was too exhausted and my mind couldn’t come up with anything.   A day later and I had my first panic attack. I was going to my grandmother’s house after work, a approximately 20 minute walk in my walking pace. I couldn’t stop crying, and shaking, and I could barely breathe. I was overcome with desperation, and it wasn’t going to be over in another 2 or 3 hours. I couldn’t shake the notion that this was going to destroy my life, doesn’t matter how much I tried to think that “it wasn’t that bad”. It was (It is).   One time the man asked me, at dinner, if I was a lesbian. I said yes. He then proceeded to talk about how he already knew, and that his best friend was a lesbian, too. For a moment, there, I thought that maybe he could be nice to have around. Just for a moment, though. My mother left the table and a few minutes later, he tried to kiss me. Not once, but twice. On his first try on “teaching me how people in Italy greeted each other”, he actually touched my lips because I was caught by complete surprise and wasn’t quick enough to distance myself from him. I was shocked, and disgusted. I had an abuser at work, and now another one tried to come at me inside my own house. Just after I said I was a lesbian.    On late August or early September, I can’t be sure, we were ready to move out of the house we lived in for at least 8 years. That had nothing to do with the man. We were planning to move out before my mother even knew of his existence. For a brief moment, after a lot of suffering already, I got him out of my new house. I thought I would finally be at peace, but obviously, I was wrong. All it took was a night at class, and he was already inside again. I was so angry, but so, so exhausted that I didn’t fight. I knew it would be useless.    Right after we moved, one of my cats fled while me and my mother got the remaining two of our dogs from our old house, because she didn’t lock the door right and the lazy ass man was there with the house wide open. I was sad and shocked, and I still miss her. I try to think that she’s okay, though. But I can’t shake the feeling that she would still be with us if it was just me and my mother again.   At the last days of September, my aunt told me to ditch my current work to go work with her, because she needed someone she could trust, and someone smart enough to help her lift up her business. I did.    I also started to spend all my weekends at my grandmother’s house, because I couldn’t stand this noisy, gross man making himself at home while I was locked inside my room trying not to burst in flames from anger.    In the morning of October 29th, another one of my cats died. She was suffering from breast cancer, and there wasn’t anything left to do. I loved her with all of my heart, and it cut me to shreds to see her lifeless form on my bedroom floor. I love all of my cats, but she was the one who was always with me. She was my companion of all days. Two months later and I still cry just from thinking about her, or seeing her pictures. It’s hard knowing I’ll never see her again.    I’ve never thought my mother would put me through everything that she did, either. On December 15th, I was relieved from both classes and work. So I took some of my things and went to my grandmother’s. In 16 days, she barely called me. Came to see me once or twice. My mom was always very attached to me, and very overprotective, to the point of not letting me walk three blocks alone. She said she would come see me today, but I heard nothing from her. Months ago, I told her that her boyfriend tried to kiss me. She looked at me in silence for three seconds and proceeded to ask me “Why do you need to be so rude to him?!”. A few days before my vacations started, she said that she was spending too much money taking me to my aunt’s to work and to my classes at college. She goes out every weekend to drink all night. Some days ago, I started crying because I missed my cat. She almost yelled at me that “she is DEAD”.    I would never imagine that I would be traded for some half-assed man by my own mother. This man took everything from me. He took my mother, he took my house, he took my belongings and my mental health, too. I am diagnosed with depression, anxiety and polysymptomatic OCD, aside from a few disorders that I suspect that I also have, but never went to a doctor about it. Life has been hell. Everyone is saying that 2017 was a year of ending cycles, but I never thought that included my relationship with my mother. It does seem so. She did change.    I keep desperately thinking of ways to go live by myself, but there is no way I can afford that. I know that no one will help me, by now. All my family just keeps trash talking my mom, but no one moves a finger to help me get the man out of my living space or to help me figure out a way to put my life in one piece again. I don’t want to live with anyone by favour. And I know that I have to do things by myself.    I left a lot of things and lots, lots of details out of this text because I didn’t want to extend it more than necessary. I just needed to put this somewhere. I don’t even know if anyone will read this big ass wall of text but if you did, thank you. Some parts don’t align well with others, but I needed to get this out of my chest before I gave up writing it (Again).     Everything that happened hurt and affected me deeply, and I know it won’t stop for some time. I just hope that I will feel good again some time in the future.    To a better 2018. 

[djseaward]

we are permanent residents.

the reason we decided to apply for permanent residence is, simply, that it's a longer visa. we have been on the two year freelance visa for ages and as many of you know, our last go-around was rough. it kicked our asses. after five years of residence in the czech republic and passing a basic language exam though, you may qualify for permanent residence. well, this was our first chance to apply (now having lived here for over six years) and the language test wasn't so difficult, seeing as we have lived here long enough to soak up loads of language and had three full years of czech lessons by that point.

there were a few funny things since i got that phone call from immigration in january that were a bit surprising. the first was that at our biometrics appointment there last month, we were asked if we wanted to speak english or czech.

WHAT?

i have heard from friends that the immigration ladies may be holding out on us, but now i feel like i know they have been! for those that don't know, it is a well-established fact that all business at immigration must be conducted in czech language. apparently, our czech was just passable enough to apply for permanent residence this past winter (by ourselves! no translators!) but now that we are permanent residents... we suddenly get a choice? shouldn't that sort of be the other way around? goodness! but i can't complain...

the second shock was learning that our residence permits are valid for the next TEN YEARS. (!!!!!) we had thought "five years" this whole time, which is still so much better than two years that it's worth applying, but ten years?! we were walking on cloud nine the entire rest of the month.

so, now what?

some people have been confused how to take the fact that we have permanent residence in the czech republic. i guess, it is one step down from having citizenship, and seems pretty serious. it doesn't change anything about how we feel about living here, however. we are happy living here for now, and plan to stay until we feel like it's time to go. so that's still the same deal.

speaking of going, no longer is this something i want to address. it is every expat's least favorite question: "how long are you staying?" a question we have been asked countless times, of course, but less lately. all's i know that we are happy here and are building a life here right now. as much as i love my hometown, i have always wanted something more.... international, cultural. even living in this smaller-sized city, i realized that it has all of that in spades. sure, sometimes the cinema doesn't play any dang english movies the entire winter (and i still never saw the new mary poppins) but regarding understanding, it’s getting better. i haven't been happier in ages. no anxiety, no panic attacks, no existential funks. that is far more than i can say for most other periods of my life.

the longer we stay, i realize, the harder it would be to extricate ourselves. almost certainly and rather dauntingly, the harder it would be to rebuild our lives in the united states again. but, you know what? we've done what i sort of feel is the near impossible. we came on a schengen visa, not even knowing how legally it would be possible to live in europe. we had many close calls, were really broke at several different points, thought we might get deported (okay, or at least not re-approved). we made it against all odds. i think we can take the chance to stay here a bit longer. besides, after you've successfully navigated your legal residence in a country where you barely speak the langue, i think we can do anything. life is too short to stay in one place too long. for me, right now, it is.

(below, our gangsta-ass mugs in march 2013, having just received our first visas)

just for fun, let's look back on some high and low points in our journey of legally living in europe...

summer 2011 - cynthia and alex decide they will move to europe in a year's time. the how is not important. the saving money is.

may 2012 - bought our plane tickets. one way. lots of people warning us and asking "how are you even going to stay there?" we don't even know ourselves, but trust that we'll figure it out. clicking that "complete order" button was one of the scariest and craziest things i can remember ever doing.

october 2012 - a couple weeks into our journey during our vagabonding around the UK phase, alex informs cynthia he has, like, no more money, dude. we enroll in a TEFL course in prague as to start thinking about a sustainable way to stay in europe as just work-staying around isn't going to last us too much longer, especially with the two of us depleting funds meant for one person.

mid-november 2012 - after one month in the schengen zone (france & germany), we arrive in prague and have one month down, two months ticking away on the clock. the feeling is palpable.

end of november, 2012 - we hire a visa specialist to help us "sort our f--king lives out". it works.

january 2013 - we officially submit our application for a freelance work visa at the czech embassy in bratislava. about a month and a half later, we go back to pick it up. we feel pretty cool and fancy because we get to stay in europe.

september 2015 - our first reapplication process goes okay, despite having to go to an apology session with the immigration office, telling them how sorry we are that our application was submitted late. (this was due to a variety of factors) after some time, we are re-approved.

september 2017 - it's time to reapply for our two year visas. we submit our reapplication.

march 2018 - "so, have you heard anything about our application?" "no ... have you?"

may 2018 - in true immigration form, a long long long long period goes by and then the first problem surfaces - we have the wrong insurance. cry a bit, spend loads of money, incur debt, but meet their requirements. resubmit. looking back, i am thanking my lucky stars this all happened in the spring and summer. if it were in the autumn, we’d have been ruined.

june 2018 - mere hours before we are to fly out on a vacation, receive a long, scary letter informing us we have days left (essentially) unless we can fix our taxes, which were done improperly this past spring.

july 2018 - month of stress and believing we are going to probably be deported. by some miracle, are granted ability to refile our taxes, one of the best hopes for being accepted.

early august 2018 - waiting, hoping, praying in berlin for a month, hoping the actual stress rash i got last month goes away soon because that thing is itchy. i scratch my legs and arms a lot. alex tells me to stop. scratchscratchscratch.

mid-august 2018: ACCEPTED! we found out while out to ice cream with natalye and family in berlin. we eat our ice cream even harder and with more vigor.

september 2018: during a trip to immigration, our friend and translator suggests that perhaps we should apply for permanent residence as "you guys should be eligible for that by now"! it's true, we had been eligible since about january of that year. find out we need to pass a czech exam, schedule it for the end of november. (good thing we had 3 straight years of lessons under our belt - definitely came in handy for situations like this one!)

december 2018 - after having passed the A1 czech language exam, we apply for permanent residence... ON OUR OWN... WITHOUT OUR TRANSLATOR... days before christmas. spend the last working days before christmas at social security and the financial office requesting various necessary forms. could be wrong, but i like to think that wishing our dear officers "veselé vánoce" may have endeared us a bit.

early january 2018, literally ten days after our application: ACCEPTED! danced around the room. the rest is history.

i'll leave you with a quote from cheryl strayed i often think about.... it’s a beautiful way of looking at those big life choices.

“I’ll never know and neither will you of the life you don’t choose. We’ll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore.”

thanks for your nice words on social media, friends. here’s to never talking about immigration again!

[wintryethereal]

Forgiveness, Thankfulness and Remembrance: Chapter 3 - Homeroom Thoughts

From my Quotev.

-❄❄❄ September 6, 2017. 9:01 AM  ❄❄❄-

        I look up from my phone as a cute, somewhat short male student with silky, light brown hair and beautiful brown eyes passes me. Oh, isn't he the second guy who passed us in the hallway? He gives me a brief, small smile as we make eye contact. He quickly reaches the fifth and final row to sit in the desk near the window. Ah, so this is our main protagonist.

        "Uh, good morning, Baekhyun." Mrs. Mok says, making a slight face as she turns on the SMARTboard behind her. Is this not his usual morning behavior? 

        He turns to her from looking outside for a moment. "Hi, Mrs. Mok."

        "Are you feeling OK today? You usually sit in the front, right beside where Eunju is sitting."

        Baekhyun catches my eyes that paced between him and Mrs. Mok. "Your name is Eunju?"

        "Yes, I transferred here from Canada for my last year. It's nice to meet you, Baekhyun."

        Baekhyun's chest slowly sinks as he exhales. "It's nice to meet you, too." He gives another little smile, but his expression reflects anguish. Should I... ask? 

        As I open my mouth, Mrs. Mok takes my place. "Baekhyun, are you feeling alright?"

        "Yes, I'm fine." His tone doesn't make it seem that way. Just as Baekhyun finishes his sentence, more students file in, filling the seats. I guess it's not my business to ask what's wrong, but I still can't help but wonder if his mood has something to do with the student he was walking with, this morning. The bell chimes again, then shuffling comes from the speaker on the ceiling's corner to the left of the door.

        "Good morning, SGHS." Oh, this is the secretary's morning announcement. "Welcome back from summer vacation, we hope you all had fun. Today's block rotation is 1-2-2-3-4 after homeroom. As a reminder, you only have to be in homeroom before the first block for the first week for attendance."

        "The first dance of the year is on the last Friday of this month, the 29th. The theme is Fall Fair, so dress in denim and plaid if you want to. As always, there is a small prize draw, and admission is ₩8200." That equals about $10 CAD. "You can preorder your copy of the yearbook starting October 1st by the office."

        "They are ₩45, 600 until December 1st, then they will then be ₩53, 900." That equals around $55 and $65 CAD. Ugh, my other high school had overpriced yearbooks, too. "That is all for today's announcements. This has been Seo Jeonghae, your secretary in the office. Have a wonderful day."

        There's a bit more shuffling as Jeonghae ends the announcement, then Mrs. Mok rises from her seat. "Alright, good morning class, I'm Mrs. Mok." She begins to write her name in Hangul on the SMARTboard with the black pen. "As Jeonghae said, welcome to the 2017 school year." Mrs. Mok adds her name in Hànzì underneath.

        "Mr. Jeup and I teach Korean, Japanese, English and Mandarin, so we collaborate our classes." She writes her name in Hiragana and English, then sets down the pen and puts her hands at her sides. "Our students often share one language and wish to learn another that a peer knows. It's a trade that has shown to be enjoyable and educational for everyone. Language has helped people communicate for generations, and it's my job to help you communicate wherever you go."

        "How many people here are looking to learn English?" A good half of the class raises their hands, and everyone looks around like curious puppies to see each other. I notice that Baekhyun is one of these people. "Ah, a big number, like always." Mrs. Mok smiles.

        "Good, very good. Who is here to learn Korean?" A small portion of the class raises their hands. "Mm, good. How about Japanese?" Another small portion raises their hands. "And, Mandarin?" I raise my left hand with a third small portion of the class.

        "Excellent, everyone here is looking to learn something different. Mr. Jeup and I enjoy posting videos of students talking to each other in their newly learned languages on our school's YouTube page. We have a collection of playlists that has been growing since 2012. We will teach you through various games, exercises, and activities. At the end of every week, you will be tested by talking with me using what you learned that week. If everyone does well, you all get ice cream. Does that sound good?"

        We cheer and applaud collectively, laughing at ourselves. "Now, may our new student come to the front and introduce herself, please?" I rise from my seat and walk to Mrs. Mok's left side. She gives me little nod and smile. "When you're ready."

        I huff, nodding firmly, then turn to the class. "Hello, my name is Young Eunju, I'm in this class to learn Mandarin. I am in twelfth grade. I am a transfer from Canada on two scholarships. I enjoy writing and can make friends easily because of my personality. I look forward to knowing you all; please treat me well." I bow to finish my speech, and the class gives me a warm applause, Baekhyun included, who looks a little interested and a little relieved of stress.

        "Thank you, Eunju. You may return to your seat, now." Mrs. Mok says, and I nod in response, doing so. "Now, let's go over the course assignments and begin the first assignment." Mrs. Mok picks up the keyboard on her desk and closes the application, Word 2017 beneath it.

        She puts down her keyboard and hands a stack of booklets to the leftmost student in the front row. "Please take one and pass it on." After everyone had taken one, Mrs. Mok proceeds to go over the assignments for the course. Our first assignment was to create a poster in our chosen language, with help from Mrs. Mok, of a small self-introduction. We would present them to the class on Thursday, then they would be posted to the bulletin board outside for a week.

        We began to work on our projects, making rough drafts on lined paper about what we wanted to put down. I met Hyejae, who's in twelfth grade, during the class's Q&A time featuring me. She was adorable and idol-image-material with big, dark eyes and short, black hair. We clicked right after I mentioned we were both lactose intolerant, knowing the struggles of not being able to find vegan ice cream so easily.  She turned out to be vegan as I am, and she cosplays as Kagamine Rin, so we got excited about Vocaloid, too. 

        I received many questions from students about my home country and town, which is Vanderhoof, located in the geographical heart of British Columbia, scholarships, dwarfism, and the way I walk. Of course, this lead to a brief explanation of my knees for the upteenth time. I discussed my other interests, starting with Pokemon and my preference of Water and Fairy types and favoritism of Mudkip and Sylveon, and Project Diva, and that I like music and can sing but wouldn't sing then and there. I talked about Minecraft and why I don't play online or Story Mode, cosplaying, and that I don't own a maid outfit and sew the costumes myself, and how I play Magic: The Gathering casually and attend Friday Night Magic.

        Everyone who asked me questions and listened seemed thrilled to meet someone as unique as me. It didn't surprise me because I knew my appearance alone would raise questions. I noticed that Baekhyun was among the intent listeners, quietly working and smiling a little when I talked about how I adore Miku and all of her possibilities, and why I'm not a great Magic player: unlucky decisions. After everyone had asked their burning questions, I thought about Baekhyun and the student I saw him with. Baekhyun's face was red, and the way the other person was holding his wrist was a clue that something was happening.

        Maybe someone did something to anger the other person, like try to... take... Baekhyun away. Oh my God, I think they might be a couple. Pretty fucking sure that guys don't hold each other like that unless they're gay. The latter being totally fine to me, I mean, hell, gay and lesbian etc. people can be just as wonderful as straight people. They probably went somewhere more private than a bathroom, they missed two of them by the time I stopped looking their way and missed if they turned the right corner or went down the stairs at the end of the hall.

        I think the former option is most likely because Haeun told me that the door to the fenced school rooftop is always unlocked. The door follows the Information Technology and Law classrooms, on the right, and the third set of stairs, on the left, at the end of the hallway after the turn. The History, Social Studies, and Planning classrooms are on the left wall as well. They might have went there and had a talk. Oh geezums, now I'm curious and worried, when it's none of my business.

        I quietly sigh, looking to Baekhyun from the protection of my hair over my desk. I hope everything's OK, he seems to . Also pretty sure that if I asked someone about the two, I'd get some raised eyebrows. Or, maybe I wouldn't. Hm, I'll observe people in the school a little more, see if I can spot Baekhyun with anyone. Or, maybe I'll meet someone who knows Baekhyun and what's going on, and they'll tell me. I... I fucking hate being an author, I overthink things way too easily. Eh, at least I've got a plan. 

        I feel like a fucking cool-ass teen detective too, like Nancy Drew, but with brown hair and green eyes. Even though I'm naturally a dark blonde, so there's that, too. After everyone was working for fifteen minutes, the bell rang. "Alright, I'll see you tomorrow for the double block." Mrs. Mok says, standing from a helping a student at their desk while everyone hastily packs up.

        I wait for everyone to file out so I don't get run-over, insisting to Hyejae and a few other students that I was sure of my choice. Yeah, I'd say this is going pretty well. Mom's gonna be glad to hear about this. I look over my left shoulder as I watch Baekhyun approach me. "Hi, Eunju."

        "Hi, Baekhyun. Did you need something?"

        "No, I was just wondering what your next class is."

         "Oh!" Not a question I expected from him. "After ASWM, I have Visual Arts."

        "Really?" Baekhyun gives a light huff. "I have those courses, too. Do you wanna go to math, together?"

        "Sure, I wouldn't mind." Baekhyun nods, then we take a right to the staircase that way.

        "So, ASWM, huh? You're not good with math, either?" I chuckle.

        "No, I'm not very bright in math or science." He lowers his shoulders. Oh, something's telling me his parents may have high expectations for him. 

        "Are you good at art?"

        "I'm not bad at scenery painting." Baekhyun answers as we descend the staircase. "I'm good with people and gardening, too. I might go into social work, or my parent's business at the greenhouse." I give an 'mm' in reply. "What are you going into, Eunju?"

        "Something with writing, if I'm lucky. I have a business certificate, and I've worked at a bank before, so I could work in an office, too. Something where I'm not up on my feet all day." Baekhyun nods a little in understanding. "By the way, what grade are you in, Baekhyun?"

        "I'm in twelfth grade, too." He answers, waiting for me at the bottom of the first set of stairs. "So, your knee incident actually happened?"

        "Yeah," I answer, starting the final set. "I'm wearing black pantihose to help hide my scar. I mean, I shave, but I had a habit of scratching at mosquito bites as a kid, so I have circular scars all over my arms and legs. That's why I chose to wear the long sleeved uniform." Baekhyun gives a low 'mm' in understanding.

        When I was a little more than halfway down the stairs, the student that Baekhyun was with this morning halts in front of the opening into the hallway from the right. I never realized how tall he was until now, and his face is kind of baby-like, his eyes are very dark, piercing brown. "There you are, Baek. Are you coming?" Whoa, that’s a deep voice, if I ever heard one.

        "Chanyeol, you still have to go to class, after homeroom." Baekhyun replies, reaching the bottom. "We have to wait until break to..." He pauses, then shakes his head a little as I finish descending. "...To talk on the roof."

        "Just for a minute, come on..." Chanyeol whines.

        "Nope, we're going to class." Baekhyun replies, taking Chanyeol's left hand and pulling him along as we go to the math classrooms down the hallway. Chanyeol's face holds this bewildered, judging and pleading expression, telling me that they're a couple, and that Chanyeol is the masculine figure who is currently confused at his partner's actions. He's also judging me because he may think I have something to do with it, and pleading to be released from Baekhyun's hand so he can recapture it and away with Baekhyun. Just... just fuck my analyzing brain; I'm thinking too much, and I have math, next.

-Forgiveness, Thankfulness and Remembrance-

WE: 2260 words, yes, very good. To clarify, if an idol is born before '95, they are in tenth grade. '95 liners are in eleventh grade, and '94-'90 liners are in twelfth grade. There are many exceptions for the sake of ship-relevancy for idols who are in twelfth grade. Yep, you heard that right. Ship-relevancy. Thanks for reading!

[ctrl-shift-esc]

Chunks of my life

TAKE TWO , TABARNAK!

Okay, so ya’ll already know, it takes me close to years, to pop out a blogpost. I finally sit down and muster the time and dedication to hack one up. As I’m writing the last few words- my browser shuts down. WOOSAA…

Everything’s lost. 

Friggn WOOSA mang WOOSA…

Kay I think we all know how peeved I am….

Honestly I must really wanna hack one out, cuz here I am! Starting over. When really, my insides are screaming; chuck it in the fuckit bucket!

Okay I’m over it.

So Hello!

Here we are, 4 months past my last post. 4 months of magnificent procrastination.

Hey! At least it was a productive procrastination period. It’s not like I’ve been sitting on my sweet ass, doing sweet fuck all…

I’ve been acting, working, eating, sleeping… running around like a mofo. Like I said, quite the productive 4 months.

I know, I know, I said I would stop starting my posts with a lecture on how long it’s been since the last time I wrote… But heck, it’s been so long, someone needs to keep track!

These past 4 months have been hella busy! I’ve barely had time to think. Honestly, that’s partly why I haven’t buckled down to write. Who am I kidding? That’s the -only- reason why.

There’s been so many things happening, in such a short period of time. I never knew where to even begin. Do I write about the move? About my love life? Is my stress level a topic of interest?! Who the heck knows… All I know is that every time I attempted to jot down some kind of timeline, my head would spin. So there you have it!

Great now that we have that sorted out, lets start (for the second time) this blogpost! #HowBoutDat

Here we go!

In the previous, already written-blogpost (that decided to vanish); I had a clever intro explaining, my writing set-up and how I was binge eating my little brothers Halloween chocolates…blah blah, it was funny, blah blah… but now it’s gone so you’re not getting it.

Anyway, 10 Halloween candies later and 4 hours of work with nothing to show, here we are!

On my sisters’ bed, in Montreal, about to watch the sunset from her bedroom window, cuz you know…I’ve been here all day. I started the day by listening to the cutest coffee shop tunes, in my cute ass Pj’s, Insanely Cozy.

And now I’m listening to electronic beats purely to help me stay awake. I’m antsy AF!

This morning, I was excited to find a quiet cafe to spend the day. I love to be surrounded by coziness when I’m writing.

Lately, I seem to have caught a small case of homesickness. With no chosen cafe prospects, I stood there, looking around, wondering why I’m so quick to runaway to a coffee shop?! When I could just as easily get cozy at my parents house, surrounded by familiarity. So I did just that. That’s all the coziness I need. Soaking in as much of this place & soaking in as much time with my loved ones as I can, before flying back to my adopted hometown, Vancouver.

The BIG Move:

Last time I wrote, I had just done the BIG move. Barely settled, I was wondering why I wasn’t feeling the “Ecstatic- Jumping up and down- Can’t contain myself- Holy Fuck- Yay me!” feeling. I realised that, perhaps, I outgrew my own goals. That perhaps, my finish line was no longer the one I needed.

Throw it back 3 years ago; If any of you have been following my blog since the beginning, you’re aware of the EPIC fail of 2014. Where I had the clever idea to move across the country to be, (to depend) on a boy I met on vacation.

Safe to say, that didn’t last very long. From that moment on, I promised myself I would never let anything like that happen again! I became obsessed with my independence.

Forward to 2015; I had decided I would move to Vancouver, BC, in the fall of 2016. No matter what came my way. I got in contact with a friend of a friend of mine, in VanCity. Learned that his roommate was looking to sublet his room from October ‘til May, the following year. “AMAZING! This is perfect” I thought to myself. Given the extremely low rent (525$ / month, which is a joke for Vancouver!)  I just, couldn’t pass that opportunity up!

That winter, I started dating an old highschool buddy of mine. Trying not to think too far into the future, I went ahead with my plans despite the new relationship. But Oh, did we ever headbutt about my future plans, to not only move across the country- but to move in with a male roommate.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand where he was coming from. But I’d be damned if I would compromise my Vancouver dream, for a boy! Been there, done that, amiright?

But let me tell ya, wasn’t long before my - feminist- Girl power - ass, chilled for a minute when the BIG move was actually done.

The BIG Love:

Eric and I met in highschool. We became chummy chummy in English class, 9 years ago to be exact. Gahd Damn, time flies. Nine years since this kid started teasing me for over-acting our daily Shakespeare, in class, reads. We’ve been best buds ever since.

Eric moved out west, to Alberta after graduation, to work the Oil rigs. I moved back to Montreal from Ottawa, to study Acting. We kept in touch with our high school crew and somehow, always managed to meet up during christmas holidays, and summer vacays. We never went too long without seeing each other. We kept in touch like clockwork. I always saw Eric as one of my best friends. My mind never ventured too far from that idea. I had no clue he had an eye on me…sneaky sneaky boy.

Summer of 2015 , when Nomi and I decided to take my Yaris on a cross country trip out west, to live in Edmonton for the summer (myself, for the second time), Eric invited me out to lunch on a few occasions. He paid and everything! (what a gentleman) I thought he was just being a good friend!

That winter, Thanks to social media, Eric knew I was on my yearly trip back to Ottawa for a couple days at Christmas time. He managed to squeeze himself in my tight overnight schedule and took me out to dinner. After a great night and few glasses of wine later, out in the pouring rain, BOOM! He kissed me. & that was the end of that!

He’s been by my side ever since.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always a clear cut “FUCK Yes” the whole time. Remember, I was still - independence obsessed. I was doing this move no matter who or what came along! So I had a few months of rocking back and forth between “ I love him, can’t live without him. I just want to drop everything to be with him” and “ NO NO NO, FOCUS Girl. You’re a LadyBoss. Imma go do what I gotta do, to be where I gotta be!”. Because for some reason, I wasn’t able to find the middle ground. It was one or the other. We had a few struggles, but who doesn’t.

We always seemed able to find a way to communicate, work things out, and find our way back to one another.

The really effing BIG life:

A year later, I’m in Vancouver, at my friends place, though it didn’t take long for me to want my own space with Eric. It took a whole 2 weeks. Barely unpacked, I was already looking into apartment rentals.

Eric is gone ¾ of the time, for work. I only get the privilege to see him 7-10 days out of the month. We’re quite the social butterflies (when we wanna be) so that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that, I barely see him as it is, I need my alone time with him more than ever when I do see his face! My feminist- independence - obsessed- ass, chilled for a minute. I decided I needed my space with my boyfriend. A space where we could make as much noise as we want and not disturb anyone…Because our daily morning joke telling- meme watching - wrestling - pillow fighting routine can get rowdy. Anyway, I laugh like a hippopotamus, so really… It only made sense. 

Under 3 weeks of my living there, we managed to lock down an apartment. Two weeks later we were both moved in.

During that time, I had applied and started with lululemon (again). I also pressed “resume” on my acting career. I was taking as many “On set” gigs as I could get my hands on. We were busy busy bee’s.

I wanted to live the life I imagined for myself; and that’s a REALLY effing BIG life. I decided I was committing to my vision, & my goals. I finally chose to make my dreams a reality. Now, not only am I here, but we both are, together, moved into an apartment in the dead center of Yaletown, Vancouver, BC. Wow.

I’m getting paid to do what I love to do. Am I at the finish line? Not yet. Do I know what my finish line is? Not sure… I have an idea. If it’s what I think it is, I’m not quite there yet, but that’s A-Ok with me. I’m not there yet, but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was 3 years ago!

And I’m hacking at it, bit by bit, everyday… Slowly but surely.

The “BIG Magic”:

“Big Magic” is a book written by the famous “Eat, Pray, Love” author, Elizabeth Gilbert. This book puts into words what it is to live a creative life beyond fear. 

This thing, full of words, not only allowed me to notice my own sparks of creativity, but allowed me to notice little miracles happening everyday. The more I pay attention, the more I believe everything happens for a reason! If I wouldn't’ve epically failed on my brilliant idea to move across the country with a boy from vacay, I definitely wouldn’t be where I am today. That’s my kind of BIG Magic. 

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer two months ago. She was taken into surgery and woke up cancer free. BIG Magic. I had been homesick for a while, I was anxious about not knowing when I’d get to go home next. I was always making excuses because I felt like I couldn’t rationalize spending that kind of money. 

As drastic as it may seem, when I found out my mom was being taken into emergency surgery, I could no longer rationalize NOT spending that kind of money. So I flew out first thing the next morning. I got to spend quality time with my close loved ones. I got to touch base & be home for a bit, she needed me as much as I needed her. Life found a way to make that happen. That’s BIG magic. 

It may not always look like it, or even feel like it, but BIG (little) magic happens all the time. You can witness the tiniest miracles, if you pay closer attention.

“Life happens for you, not to you” - to live a magical life, takes patience & lose the fear. Fear is No Bueno. You won’t need it, so chuck it in the fuckit bucket. AND LIVE A BIGASS LIFE

So there you have it folks. 

Until Next Time

Ctrl+Shift+ go Awesome everywhere xox

[sandigirl-blog1]

‘Girl of the Month’: Courtney George

This month, we sat down with Courtney George - dedicated yogi, Reiki I certified healer, and Sandi’s newest #girlcrush. Originally from Massachusetts (and our hometown!), Courtney has been local to San Diego for about 2 years now. Driven by an innate desire to teach, share, and create, she lives a busy, adventurous lifestyle searching for new ways to expand her awareness and better the world. She is on a beautiful journey to create the life she wants for herself. Courtney embodies the very essence of a ‘Sandi Girl’, and we’re very proud to call her our friend.

Why did you decide to make the move from Massachusetts to San Diego?

I graduated from college in December 2014, then continued living in Amherst, MA for 6 more months to save up some money. My original plan for my funds was to do my 200 hour yoga teacher training in Costa Rica, and go from there. However, that same year in May, my best friend, Emma, graduated college as well. We were going through some big changes in our lives and decided to just send it to San Diego. We made the decision - and about 6 weeks later we picked up our whole lives and drove 3,000 miles across country, with no jobs, no housing, and no plans. It was quite liberating!

What do you love most about living in SD?

The lifestyle is an absolute dream come true. I love being able to bike everywhere (to work, the grocery store, yoga, the beach, etc.), endless yoga studio options, the community, the variety of delicious food options, and that there is always something to do/somewhere to explore.

What is currently on your iTunes playlist?

My Spotify is broken into different types of yoga playlists (Lyft, Sculpt, Vinyasa, Yin, etc.) so it’s honestly a whole mixture of juicy goodness. It ranges from Rap/Hip Hop, Heavy Dub/Trap, Trance-y Electronic..to Wah! and even some chanting. It really depends what I feel like flowing / biking to; every day is different. I am heavily influenced by music, it can completely alter my mood.

How long have you practiced yoga? Why do you practice, and what are your future plans for your practice?

I’ve been practicing yoga for about 5 years now. I took a semester off from college when I was 20 years old and moved back to Massachusetts from North Carolina. It was during my time home that I really felt the mind, body, and spiritual benefits from yoga. Gillian Gorman, owner of Radiance Yoga (Pittsfield, MA), is an inspirational teacher who really shined the light for me. Ever since then, I have incorporated yoga into my daily life, its magical.

I practice to silence my mind. I’m a very type A person so my mind is always running and thinking about a thousand things at once. Yoga allows me to address my mind state, and begin to quiet it. It’s a profound mind-body experience; it’s truly empowering. Yoga is more than being flexible. It essentially helps to strengthen qualities you want, like calmness or acceptance, and weaken ones you don’t, like judgment or criticism. You really become aware of the qualities and thoughts that you are feeding, and then, with that awareness, you begin to question “do I want to feed this or not?” We practice yoga to cultivate awareness, like awareness is a muscle, because it is.

My future plans for yoga is to do my 300 hour teacher training in India. I want to learn the truest roots of real Yoga.

What is your favorite healthy snack?

Sugar Snap Peas & Garlic Hummus / Bitchin’ Sauce (whichever ones in my fridge), a Beaming Bite from Beaming Organic Superfood Cafe, or a Perfect Bar.

Can you tell us a little about Reiki and its healing benefits?

Ah, the power of Reiki, it’s hard to put into words but I’ll try! Reiki is the higher self’s connection to the universal energy that breathes life into all living things; it is encoded into our genetic make-up. Reiki is holistic; it works on the body, mind, and spirit by stimulating a person’s own natural healing abilities. When a child, for instance, falls and hurts their knee, instinctively they place their hand on the sore spot and the pain is relieved as they unconsciously work with this energy to heal themselves. Likewise, a parent will kiss their child’s hurt or injured limb and place their hand on top. Unknowingly, both the parent and the child are working unconsciously with this healing energy. The parent sending and channeling the energy, the child receiving and drawing the energy. Does that make sense? I could go on forever about it. It is something I highly recommend everyone to experience and ideally get attuned. A full Reiki treatment reopens the chakras and re-balances the flow of the universal life force around the body.

Who have some of your biggest influencers been in regards to your Yoga & Reiki path since living in San Diego?

Definitely my sister, Alisha Hawrylyszyn Frank, Christina Chambers, Desiree Crossman and Hailey Young (my 200 hr teachers). Everyone from my 200 hr and Sculpt TT honestly. Such an incredible group of people I’ve been blessed to practice, teach, and learn with. My best friend, Paige Demerer, Whit Helena, and all of Buddhi Yoga, Reach Yoga and CorePower Yoga’s teachers and community.

What is your morning ritual?

I’ve been working on waking up early. I had a yoga teacher/workout enthusiast tell me, “no one is a morning person, you just have to fucking get up”. I know it sounds simple, but most mornings I wake up and question whether I want to sleep just a little bit longer. It can be a battle. I don’t give in, I make myself get up, stretch, drink water, and listen to “Unbroken” - it’s a motivational speech video that can be found on YouTube. Then I’m off to a yoga class, whether it be an ass kicking sculpt class or a vinyasa slow flow (or both).

What are the three main philosophies you live by?

1. Life’s about finding a balance.

Whenever you label yourself as something or another, it restricts you a whole lot. I focus on what ignites my being. Sometimes that’s green juices, tea, a good book and then going to bed early. And other times, it could be eating tacos, drinking tequila, and staying up all night partying with friends. It’s your life, do whatever makes YOU happy.

2. We are far more powerful than we believe.

Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually - and I think we all need to recognize that in order to grow.

3. Trust your intuition.

As Steve Jobs said, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever - because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path and that will make all the difference.”

What are you currently reading?

Tools of Titan by Timothy Ferris and Journey into Power by Baron Baptiste (again).

What is the greatest piece of advice you have received and by whom did you receive it?

Bryan Kest held a workshop at Buddhi Yoga a few weeks ago, he was laying down all sorts of advice. A few quotes that stood out to me would be..

“You have to discover yourself every fucking day, because you change every fucking second.”

“There’s people out there who aren’t going to fit what you want them to do. You judging them is only poisoning yourself.”

“Whatever you are attached to will be taken away from you, the more attached you are, the more you suffer.”

“People bring their shit to yoga and turn yoga into shit.” To elaborate more, Kest was saying how countless amount of people show up to yoga and bring all their baggage with them onto the mat and throughout the practice. That is literally the opposite of yoga. The point of yoga is to stop the movement of your mind. The only thing one should focus on is their breath.

What do you have booked for future travels?

So far, I’m going to enjoy a nice little vacation in Cabo, Mexico soon. Hitting up Tahoe for spring skiing and then I’ll be heading back home to MA for the summer. I booked a one-way ticket to Bangkok in October with my girl, Ali Birnbaum. From there, we are going to backpack SE Asia, Australia and New Zealand. We have a ton of spots and goals we want to conquer, but we’re definitely going with the flow for most of it. It’s going to be an unreal trip that I’m incredibly grateful I get to experience. I’m really looking forward to it!

Follow Court’s moves and future travels on Instagram! @courtneylgeorge

XOXO

[danasukontarak]

Dana’s Travel Diary: Bali’n Out in Indonesia

International travel ideas often seem lofty, unattainable, reserved only for posh socialites with daddy’s bread to blow. I know I’m not the only 20-something who ever felt relegated to perusing Wikitravel or thumbing through the pages of an issue of Afar Magazine to get my affordable adventure fix. Admittedly, successful and seamless international travel also requires a decently-paying job and some tenacity for saving (at least one or the other). Before working at my current job and having both a salary and bountiful PTO, travel was not impossible, but far more limited by time and money. That said, the place I’d always had my eye on, the place that seemed overflowing with natural and spiritual wonder, was Bali.

The most popular travel destination in all of Indonesia, Bali is a quirky little anomaly of an island within a country with a notoriously harsh governmental regime. The people of Indonesia began to elect their president just 13 years ago in 2004. The penalties for drug crimes are harsh. On the trip, we only uttered the word “ganja” once, to a tatted-up taxi driver with ear gauges. His reply: no. As a man vacationing from Jakarta told me on Kuta Beach, cracking open a can of Bintang (Indonesia’s Heineken), “You know Bali, but you don’t know Indonesia.”

The people in Bali practice Balinese Hinduism. In fact, they are the only part of Indonesia that is not predominantly Muslim. The women wore colorful three-quarter lace shirts, patterned sarongs, and sashes eloquently tied around their slim waists. They walked with baskets on their heads, babies slung round their shoulders. Guys wore patterned headbands and also wore artfully tied sarongs around their waists. Frangipani and incense offerings in stapled banana leaf trays litter the sidewalks and windowsills of nearly every building we passed in Bali. The Balinese women prepare these at multiple times throughout the day, a pleasant floral reminder of this island’s unique culture. 

I paid for my flight in early October, for a trip I took in late January. I was able to find a roundtrip ticket for the 10,000 mile journey for $750. (That’s only 7.5 cents per mile!) Tickets can run an upwards of $1,200 from D.C. to Denpasar, so I grabbed these before the weird online airline algorithm and Big Brother saw hearts in my eyes and hiked up the price before I could click submit. Reminder: always browse flights on Incognito Mode. 

Before traveling, my research was limited. Basic research is necessary, of course, such as what the currency and conversion rate is (Indonesian rupiah [IDR], roughly 13,000 per USD), or where your hotel is in relation to the airport, or what season and general climate it will be during your stay. I talked to my friend Claudia, who’d been to Bali a few months before. I checked out a few major tourist destinations online (the must-sees), and left the rest up to fate, as I tend to do. 

We departed from Ronald Reagan Airport in Washington, D.C. I traveled with my ex-boyfriend, the awkward result of planning for trips in super advance but not planning on a breakup. It worked out, though. I was glad to be traveling internationally not just with another person, but a man. I never felt endangered at all during my trip, but I had no idea what the general atmosphere would be like. There were a few notable times I was relieved to have had his male presence (i.e. when I panicked over a lizard in the hotel room; when we wanted to travel by motor scooter through congested streets; when I had to carry a bowling ball of a fresh coconut through Ubud). Major media would love to have you believe that, as a traveling woman, you’ll be kidnapped and sold into sex slavery. I feel you run this risk at equivalent levels no matter where you go. TBH. No need to be scared or paranoid, but also remember: a little common sense and alertness go a long way when traveling.

Our flight was 22 hours, collectively. The route was D.C. to Detroit to Incheon (South Korea) and finally to Bali. The meals on board the Korean Air flight from Detroit to Incheon were hit or miss. Bibimbap was a hit. Everything else (seafood and potatoes, beef and vegetables, etc.) was an extreme miss. During one meal, I opened an applesauce-cup of the softest tofu I’d ever seen in my life - it was almost liquid. I looked around to see if the Asians on board were on board with this virtual tofu smoothie. It looked like no cup was left uneaten, besides mine.

When we arrived in Ngurah Rai Airport in Bali, we were approached immediately by a seemingly friendly and helpful taxi driver. It was past midnight and he stuck by us quite adamantly as we fumbled with our phones as they attempted to pick up Indonesian cell service. He offered his phone so that I could call my hotel and arrange an impromptu middle-of-the-night check-in (which I hadn’t prepared for). I watched the driver, Norman, wave away other people also appearing to be in need of his assistance. What I figured was that he had an eye for Americans, or rather, our American dollars. In my limited experience, the most money you will spend on transportation whenever traveling internationally, is the cab ride from the airport to your lodging destination. Norman charged us $55. We didn’t ask the price prior to departing, but we’d assumed it was cheap because of the way he described pricing of hostels and homestays. This was the single most expensive charge during our time in Bali; it is an unheard-of taxi price once actually anywhere in Bali besides the airport.

When searching for hotels prior to the trip, I saw that the average price of a pretty nice hotel over there was not much more that what you’d pay for a shitty hotel here. I used Expedia points (earned from flights over the past few years) to get a discount on already-affordable 4-star resorts. The first hotel we stayed at was Blue Karma Resort in Ubud. They were very accommodating and welcomed us in at nearly 2 in the morning, showing us to a very lovely hut-style room with outdoor shower and cabana. In the morning, we also saw that there was a beautiful shared infinity pool, and a nice on-site restaurant with yummy breakfast and fresh fruit salad. 

The hotel was in a somewhat remote area, but shuttle/taxi/scooter service was abundant. In Ubud, there are many street markets with cool pants (I bought three), keychains, native trinkets and the like. Ask “How much?” but be prepared to be given a price marked up with the Gringo tax. Counter with a reasonable offer, and they’ll most likely be glad to accept. It’s cool to negotiate with vendors and taxi drivers - do not expect to negotiate in restaurants with posted prices, or anywhere else where you are actually billed. 

Also, tipping is a nice gesture, but service fees are generally built in to all charges, especially at hotels and restaurants. I did, however, leave tips for the cleaning staff at each hotel - just a dollar or two, which I’d read is the equivalent of many of their entire day’s salaries. 

In Ubud, we walked down a busy street to get to the Sacred Monkey Forest. Taxi drivers beckon for your business every three steps. Stray dogs dodge pedestrians skillfully, while others nap between scooters and storefront steps. Entry to the monkey forest is about 3 USD, and vendors inside sell bunches of bananas to feed to them. If you hold banana above your head, they’ll climb up your body to grab it. If you aren’t vigilant, monkeys will snatch any loose items from your pockets or hands. We lost a pack of rolling papers to one stealthy monkey, who then pulled it apart like an accordion and abandoned it upon discovering it was inedible. 

On the second day started at 2 A.M., when we left in a shuttle to go on the Mt. Batur sunrise trek. Mt. Batur is an active volcano that has erupted as recently as 2000. It’s highest point is about a mile up, and the ascent takes about 2.5 hours. The tour company fed us a banana pancake and strong coffee for breakfast, and the hike began in quite the anticlimactic fashion as we stumbled along behind a 19-year-old Balinese guide, criss-crossing paths with many other tour groups. I began to sweat and lose my breath after about 45 minutes, before the hard part even started. Several parts of the path are dangerously rocky, while others are sandy, slippery, and almost impossible to navigate without falling straight down on your ass. When we reached the top, we were given banana sandwiches and an egg boiled in volcano steam (still liquid and almost raw - I fed it to a stray volcano dog). The view was incredible, despite our guide having doubted the sunrise would be visible on such a cloudy day. 

The walk down was easier but still not easy. Our guide held my hand to help me down tricky areas, and asked my ex, “You jealous?”

Food in Bali was delicious and cheap. It seemed that most of the warungs (Indonesian word for small restaurant/eatery) had similar menus, and at most, you could get appetizers, entrees, and beverages for under 15 USD. We ate enough curry, satay, and sambal to last a lifetime.

The next morning, we rode on the backs of scooters to the hidden treasure that is Tegenungan Waterfalls. The ride was pleasantly risky. There’s nothing like accepting a motor scooter ride from a stranger in a foreign country. We passed a butterfly farm and lots of places that sold Buddha statues and carved stone items. We reached the waterfall at about 10 A.M., and a long set of stairs led down to a gorgeous sight.

At that time in the morning, only a few people were there already. The crash of the waterfall was thunderous and humbling. I approached with caution, wading at a respectful distance, enjoying God’s beauty.

The scooter ride back into Ubud was hectic, because we happened to run smack dab into the Saraswati festival, which happens twice a year. Saraswati is the goddess of knowledge, music, arts, wisdom and learning. My kind of gal. People were flocking out of temples en masse in traditional Balinese dress, and there was a scooter traffic jam amidst the celebration. My driver was incredibly skillful and brazen, getting through the traffic by any means, sidewalk driving, and truck blocking necessary.

Back at Blue Karma, we packed our bags and headed to Nusa Dua to check into our second hotel, Jimbaran Cliffs Private Resort and Spa. The pictures online for this resort looked amazing, its primary draw being the private infinity pool on the terrace of each room. The first thing I did was jump in with a plate of complimentary fresh papaya, pineapple and watermelon.

The area where we stayed in Nusa Dua was a lot different than Ubud, a lot more like a “regular” city. Our hotel, however, was so hidden in the cliffs that we got a taxi driver stuck in a narrow brick alley trying to find it. 

We heard that Aussie surfers and locals at Kuta Beach had the best and easiest access to Bali’s famed magic mushrooms. Though marijuana is highly illegal, shrooms are pretty much normalized. Officially, they became illegal a few years ago, but its availability in Bali is akin to the availability of weed in D.C. On Kuta Beach, we were offered shrooms in Coca-Cola, which we tried but didn’t feel too much. Kuta Beach was extremely dirty, with trash lining the shore and stray dogs snarling at each other. Little old lady vendors won’t leave you alone until you agree to a henna tattoo or a foot massage or a black stone bracelet that’s “cheap, cheap for you.” 

The shopping malls near Kuta Beach are nice, and it was kind of comforting to browse through Zara and H&M while halfway across the globe from home. On our last day, we rented a scooter and took it solo through the city, filling up our tank from a lady on the side of the road with an Absolut bottle full of petrol.

We had a big seafood dinner by the beach on our last night, and headed to the airport for a 1 A.M. flight back to Incheon, and then Detroit, and then D.C. Aside from a slight fiasco with Customs in Detroit over a dragonfruit I’d tried to bring back with me, the journey was alright. This was the second stamp in my adult passport and well worth the extreme jetlag. 

It’s a trip I recommend for anyone with any shred of a sense of adventure to go on, and somewhere I’d definitely consider returning to by myself. If you are considering planning an excursion to beautiful Bali, here is a summary of what I’ve learned, some handy tips based on my experience: 

1: Search flights often and purchase flights early - You can also sign up for price alerts through most travel websites. Remember to browse flights in incognito mode! 2: Know what to expect, but know that you won’t know what to expect - Do SOME research, but more importantly, just be openminded with common sense. 3: Plan ahead for transportation from the airport upon arrival - Check with your hotel before your trip to see if complimentary shuttle/taxi service from the airport is provided! You may also want to call and arrange a taxi ride beforehand if possible, to avoid the higher fees at the airport. 4: Stay in more than one hotel and explore multiple areas while in Bali - Each place has a different vibe. Stay in at least two areas. DON’T stay in a Hilton or other American chain hotel - you’ll be cheating yourself. 5: Negotiate prices, and check multiple options - It’s ok to negotiate prices in most instances. Vendors will always start off high. 6: Do everything, immerse yourself in the culture, be kind to locals - It would be a good idea to download Google Translate and download the Indonesian language library, just in case you don’t have service and need to translate something for a local. 7: Be careful with shrooms and DON’T check for weed - Weed is a no-no in Bali, but shrooms can be risky (especially if you are unaware of the potency and dosage). 8: Don’t try to bring a dragonfruit home with you - CBP will be on that ass.

[fitnetpro]

How Jeff the Doctor, Engineer, and Startup Junkie finally put himself first: A success story

Today, I have a different kind of success story for you.

It’s maybe the best example I’ve ever seen for “just knowing what to do” isn’t enough when it comes to getting healthy!

Meet Jeff (hey, that’s me next to him!):

We met a few years back at Camp NF, one of our in-person events back in 2016 – he’s one of the most accomplished people I know (he started MED SCHOOL at age 16). However, even for a guy as smart as he is, he struggled with actually getting consistent healthy results and getting out of his own way for years.

Over the past few years, as Jeff’s startup life got busier, his health took more and more of a backseat:

Jeff has founded multiple start-ups and is currently running one.

His schedule, both for travel and eating, is completely erratic.

He spent most weekends of 2018 on airplanes, flying red-eye flights.

He kept chasing the next fad, changing his mind every other day.

And his brain wouldn’t slow down! Jeff really struggled with “analysis by paralysis,” thinking about working out way more than he actually worked out.

If this sounds like you and your brain, maybe you can relate?

It took Jeff partnering with Jim, our lead trainer in the NF Coaching Program, for the past year to slow down long enough to start to see results that would stick.

And slowing down isn’t easy for this guy.

Jeff’s brain is always going a million miles an hour, he practically lives on airplanes and red-eye flights, has a super varied eating and workout schedule, and no day is the same for him thanks to his entrepreneurial career!

I’m really proud that Jeff is one of our 1-on-1 coaching clients, and that we were able to get him the results that had eluded him for the majority of his life up to that point.

I love that even as a busy entrepreneur, he’s seeing the “return on investment” of investing in himself with coaching and taking care of his own health! If this sounds like you, we’d love to hear how we could potentially help you at Nerd Fitness Coaching – simply click the button below to learn more!

I’ve chopped this interview into multiple sections, so feel free to pick the sections that you’re most interested in!

How Jeff managed to get his own brain out of the way…

Readers of Nerd Fitness tend to be on the smarter side of average.

Like you. You smart person you.

Jeff is on a different level:

He skipped high school and started college at 13.

He began med school at 16.

He became the second youngest doctor on record at age 20.

After his fellowship, he got an MBA from UCLA.

He studied machine learning in Scotland.

He’s now running a startup in Berkeley, CA.

In other words, Jeff puts the NERD in Nerd Fitness.

In my emails back and forth with Jeff to share this story with you today, I kept thinking two things:

This guy is gonna take over the planet one day, so I’m glad he likes Team Nerd Fitness!

I can totally see why he struggled with getting in shape in the past!

So this is what I wanted to ask him about.

STEVE: You have tried and done many different exercise routines, diet strategies, and everything in between. What has your life been like in that time?

JEFF: In 2014 and 2015, I joined an amateur gymnastics club and really enjoyed the experience.

Unfortunately, when I doubled the number of overnight shifts worked to 200+ nights a year, I developed recurrent upper back/shoulder issues (too much radiology work + muscle hypertrophy from gymnastics) I stopped going to gymnastics altogether, and things deteriorated quickly.

Left to my own devices in 2016 and 2017, I barely worked out at all, and barely stuck to any diet. This is how I gained 20-odd pounds across those years.

STEVE: You’re a doctor and engineer, you have an MBA, and have started multiple startups. You get bloodwork done regularly, and you know your health and fitness information inside and out.

Why do you think you weren’t able to crack the code earlier when it comes to your health and fitness? You had all the information and tools you needed right?

JEFF: I don’t think doctoring, tech, or smarts necessarily help in the pursuit of health. On a side note, there are lots of different kinds of smarts, and the kind I have is definitely limited to very specific applications

Actually, each of these probably works against you, all things considered. It’s kinda like when we say, “Doctors make the worst patients.”

To get (and stay) in shape, I think it comes down to:

Consistency, day in and day out.

Enjoying something about working out.

Building a set of habits that you return to instinctively when life gets busy.

Being surrounded by a support network of people and environments that help you get and stay in shape.

Sufficient sleep, and the practice of de-stressing in some way.

Unfortunately, those are the 5 things I feel like I have to battle each day:

Thinking too much instead of acting.

Not actually enjoying working out. I don’t get the endorphin rush at all. Trying different sports and group activities helps, but even getting back to a sport I love like gymnastics has been remarkably difficult mentally. I’ve also found the more I aim to do HIIT, the more I subconsciously avoid cardio altogether.

Rarely sticking with something long enough to build a set of habits.

Spending almost every weekend in the airport & on red-eye flights, flipping between night and day shifts every other week, having completely variable meal & workout schedules, and lots & lots of meetings.

Usually not getting enough sleep, and not making the time to meditate or de-stress much either.

Fortunately, I’ve managed to have some success keeping the demons at bay in 2018 – as you saw in the photos above, and it’s how I ended up where I am today.

How Jeff Lost 30 Pounds By Focusing on his Diet

With Jeff’s brain being incredibly analytical you can bet he was crazy detailed with his tracking, his meals, and his metrics. You’ll see some of those specifics below,

(Note: if you’re somebody with 50-100+ pounds to lose, don’t get lost in the specifics below! Check out a story like Leslie (100+ pounds lost) or Anthony (200 pounds lost)!)

STEVE: You started working with Jim from NF Coaching back in January – And since then you’ve transformed pretty dramatically, losing 30+ pounds even while working and traveling like crazy.

Can you get into the details? What strategies worked for you?

JEFF: I started the year on a low-fat paleo-ish diet for the first six months (lots of ground meat, sauteed kale, and occasionally some oatmeal in the morning).

Because I travel a lot, and flip days and nights working, my diet varied pretty dramatically.

That got me from just over 195 lbs (“before”) down to about 170-175 lbs.

I hovered there for months and months.

In June, the weight had been hovering for about a month, and I decided to try to full-blown Keto.

I measured every meal to 25g of fat, 21g of protein, and nearly 0 carbs. I stayed in the 5 – 15g / day carb range, and entered ketosis immediately.

Keto didn’t really work for me physiologically.

My weight was remarkably stable day to day while on Keto, right around the 168 – 170 range over 2 months.

At the end of August, I got a follow-up cholesterol/lipid panel just to check where things were at — and it turns out I’m in the small subset of people whose cholesterol spikes to ridiculous levels on Keto [studies have shown a subset of people with cholesterol levels very sensitive to diet].

I stopped Keto immediately, and went back on low-fat Paleo, which got me back to the weight hovering around 170.

I went on a vacation to Greece for the first time in September, where I gained five pounds (from eating a lot more than I should : )

STEVE: I hear ya man. Keto doesn’t agree with me either, but I know it works for some! So tell me what happened specifically. So I’m glad you found low fat Paleo-ish to work for you. That’s what I’m doing too.

So what got you over that final 10-pound hurdle?

JEFF: I was hoping to be able to do a photoshoot (a big goal I had set at the beginning of the year) in November, but the scale wasn’t budging in October and I was out of time!

I had a colleague who really suggested I look at intermittent fasting. I’d never considered seriously before. The thought of not eating for these long intervals, after being so used to eating every 2 1/2 – 3 hours every single day, wasn’t appealing).

I remembered that you’d written a post on IF, so went back and read it through, and decided to give it a shot:

Started a 16/8 fast/feast protocol (1700 calories a day, carefully measured).

Moved to 18/6 the next day.

Move to 19/5.

Eventually did 20/4 for a few days

Went back to 18/6.

It worked wonders — weight started going down again.

I’m actually not sure whether I like IF yet – but it works awesomely for me – there’s a disconnect between how well something works vs. whether I actually enjoy it! Haha

Here’s why I like it: I’m more productive when not eating, show up on time to workouts, and save time by not prepping and eating six meals a day.

But we’ll see. Right now it’s working for me. And it allowed me to hit my goal on time!

  STEVE: As a crazy but lazy fan of intermittent fasting, I hear ya man – it helps me make fewer decisions each day, less clean-up, less work!

Clearly, you put a huge emphasis on your nutrition, but what about your workouts?

JEFF: Workout-wise, things have varied a lot.

I still haven’t been back to gymnastics this year, but have been through all sorts of exercise routines.

To name a few:

Scheduled workouts

Unscheduled workouts

Mini-workouts at home

Assault bike sprints

Rings & small rope climb at home

A few BJJ and aikido classes

I don’t know how to do things half-assed, so I even kicked off New Year’s last year (prior to working with Jim) in Thailand for six days at a weight loss/fitness & Muay Thai bootcamp [Gym Bangarang] in Chiang Mai.

Due to my crazy travel schedule, my workout schedule has been hit and miss. That’s okay though.

So I tried all of that, but there’s been one constant over the past twelve months…

Jeff’s Experience with Trainers and NF Coaching

STEVE: Over the past few years, you’ve trained with a dozen trainers, many of them IN person. I’m curious: what was it about the NF Online Coaching program in particular that appealed to you?

JEFF: The biggest thing about the NF Coaching program is its persistent global accountability.

As long as you keep your coach updated, he/she sees the entire sweep of your nutrition & fitness-related life (as well as most everything else that’s going on in your life), and so is by far the best-equipped person to get you off your ass and eating right / working out.

Working with any other trainers in years past, the training and accountability usually ended as soon as the one-hour training session was over.

Occasionally someone might help put together a food plan, but most in-person trainers are far too busy to keep track of all their clients over the course of the week, the month and the year & help them keep themselves accountable.

STEVE: What else do you get out of NF coaching and working with a trainer like Jim?

JEFF: I started working with Jim in early 2018, and here’s what I enjoy the most:

Jim provides accountability, gets me to track my progress, and a consistent reminder that I need to be doing something:

Watching and tracking each thing I eat.

Getting a workout in whenever possible.

Replying to messages in the app

Uploading food photos.

I do my best to track weights, reps, and sets on workouts, I sometimes dump weeks of food photos in at once (and average about a 2/3 success rate on taking food photos), and I’ve been pretty slack about taking interval follow-up photos and measurements lately.

Jim always adjusts accordingly.

He’s great at providing a bit of extra slack, especially during tough weeks, and not being too critical – except when he thinks I need a push – and he’s usually right!

Here’s the other thing I love:

The chance to share the ups and downs, to celebrate the triumphs and help me make it over the hurdles, a constant social bond in the midst of never-ending work and an ever-shifting schedule.

At Camp, I really appreciated that Nerd Fitness was working hard to change people’s lives.

So no matter where NF went – whether you ever decided to do another Camp, or launch a 1:1 coaching program, or build up NF Academy – I committed to staying involved: to help out people in the NF community where possible, join the NF Academy and Coaching program and share NF with acquaintances and friends.

STEVE: What would you say to somebody considering NF Coaching?

JEFF: It works where all the other trainers and fitness programs fail. The NF Coaching program meets you right where you’re at, keeping you accountable, providing tons of encouragement, and customizing your food and workout plans specifically to you.

It’s changed my life, and it could change yours too.

THE 5 KEYS TO JEFF’S SUCCESS

#1) JEFF ACCEPTED HIS LIFE WOULD ALWAYS BE CRAZY

Every day, we’re faced with a challenge:

The way we WANT things to be, in a perfect world

The way things actually are.

The problem arises when people optimize their lives and assume that they can have things how they want:

Of course I’ll have time to cook an amazing meal each day.

Of course i”ll have 90 minutes to work out.

Of course I’ll start batch cooking and take up Yoga.

Reality paints a very different picture, and THAT’S what you need to plan for!

Jeff had health and fitness goals, and also a crazy hectic lifestyle with ungodly amounts of travel. Rather than beating himself up for this, he accepts this is his current reality and asks “Okay, how can I do the best I can under these circumstances?”

By accepting that things would be crazy, it allowed him to have GOOD success, but not completely take over his life (the startup has already done that!).

Because Jeff knew his workout schedule and access to a gym would be limited, he took the next big step:

#2) JEFF FOCUSED ON FOOD AND TRACKING.

Over the past year, Jeff has dropped significant body fat even with inconsistent or nonexistent exercise. How does that work?

Simple: nutrition is 90% of the weight loss equation.

And for Jeff, to get down to “I want to see my abs” levels of body fat, nutrition becomes 95% of the battle.

Sure, making small changes like “focusing on real food” and “eating more vegetables” can certainly help an overweight person lose weight sustainably in the beginning, but the closer you get to 10% body fat, the more strict and disciplined you need to be.

As they say: abs aren’t made in the gym, they’re made in the kitchen.

Fortunately, Jeff was CRAZY focused on his food tracking, and used metrics to make sure he was hitting his caloric goals each day:

He focused on a Paleo-ish nutritional strategy to lose the first 15-20 pounds.

He tried the Keto Diet, but a cholesterol test revealed his body wasn’t a fan of being in Ketosis. Good thing he got that test done!

He incorporated Intermittent Fasting with strict calorie tracking to lose the final 10 pounds before his photoshoot.

He knew down to the carb what he was eating on most days whenever possible. Although people that are in tip-top shape want you to think it’s effortless, the real story is often far more strict and disciplined – why? Because nobody wants to hear about counting calories and weighing their food: they just want to be told it’s easy.

If you want to get to a low body fat percentage, that’s what it will take. And it will take much longer than you expected. For Jeff, that’s what it took. It WORKED.

#3) JEFF HAS AN ACCOUNTABILITY BUDDY

What do you do when you know what needs to be done, but life gets so busy you often forget to do it? You recruit an accountability buddy. In Jeff’s case, it was Jim, his coach. This guy:

It’s amazing that a single text from a friend each day asking you if you did a particular habit is often enough to start a habit building process.

In Jeff’s case, it was Jim’s constant support, sometimes tough love, and gentle nudging that got Jeff to be more diligent and committed to the goals he knew he wanted to reach.

#4) JEFF SETS BIG GOALS TO GET OVER HURDLES

Jeff put most of his focus on his daily habits (behavior change), but he found that only took him so far – as a start-up founder and overachiever, he found that setting big goals in the future with specific deadlines really helped him buckle down and get serious:

“One thing that does sorta work (that my other trainer/friend Alan and I were chatting about earlier today) is having a big goal and a specific deadline.

For me in October, realizing the photoshoot was four weeks away got me to buckle down and do wonders with a nutrition plan, workout regimen, and final week of prep. In the month since, with the hectic trips afterward, and the lack of a well-defined or specifically timed goal, I’ve rebounded by 7 pounds.”

Looks like it’s time to set a new big goal and figure out a timeline! : )

#5) JEFF FOCUSES ON RELATIONSHIPS

I asked Jeff about his investment of coaching, and his answer surprised me:

“From my funky perspective, it’s not an expensive investment at all when you think about the value. I tend to value people, relationships and shared experiences far more than money.

I may try and jump around a lot of different things for nutrition/fitness/ personal improvement, but where it comes to people and interpersonal relationships, when I decide to commit to someone or to a friendship, I do so wholeheartedly and without reservation — and I stay committed long-term : )”

Life is all about relationships, something I think us nerds can really struggle with in this day in age. So for Jeff, not just investing in coaching, but investing in relationships with his friends is really really important. He sent me dozens of candid photos from the past year, and many of them include big groups of friends doing amazing activities.

I have NO doubt that these friends are the “constant” in Jeff’s hectic lifestyle, and help keep him grounded while everything else is moving and changing at breakneck pace.

How to Get Results Like Jeff

I’m really proud of what Jeff has accomplished over the past year. It’s been AMAZING to hear his side of the story, as I’ve been following it from the other side (through his coach Jim).

If you’re somebody who goes ALL IN and stops, if you’re somebody who can’t seem to get any progress to stick, or if you’re somebody that spends more time thinking than doing, you’re in the right place!

Here’s how to see results like Jeff:

Less thinking, more doing: Your brain will talk you into or out of anything. Act as if you already made the decision, and course correct along the way.

Pick a nutritional strategy, and track it! This is a lifelong journey, so you’re not gonna get results in a week. Stick with it. Track your calories, take photos and measurements, and see how your body transforms.

Know that nutrition is 90% of the battle. Don’t have time to exercise frequently? No problem. You have to eat every day, right? So put ALL of your focus there. Here’s our guide on healthy eating.

Be accountable to somebody else. This could be a friend who texts you each morning: “Did you work out yesterday?” Or a co-worker that you check in with each morning. In Jeff’s case, it’s his NF Coach, Jim.

Invest in relationships. Jeff’s life is chaotic, and one’s fitness journey is often a lone-wolf activity. Jeff has prioritized the relationships and friendships in his life, and it has helped keep him sane despite a hectic lifestyle!

If you can relate to Jeff (do you travel a lot? Is your life super busy? Are you struggling to get results), you’re in the right place!

Depending on your current situation, our 1-on-1 NF Coaching Program might be the droids solution you’re looking for. You can learn more by clicking on the box below and scheduling a call with our team!

Here’s what I’d want you to take away from Jeff’s Story:

Accountability is everything. Have somebody other than you invested in your success.

Want to lose weight? Focus on nutrition and tracking!

If you do those two things, I can almost guarantee you’ll be healthier 12 months from now than you are, and I’ll be sharing your story next year!

-Steve

PS: Just a quick heads up: The NF Coaching program has really exploded over the past 8 weeks (we’re closing in on 1,000 active clients! WHOA), and we’d love to help you become the next success story!

We actually speak on the phone with every single person that is interested in coaching to make sure we’re a good fit for each other, and you can schedule your call at the end of our Coaching page.

PPS: Do you have a Nerd Fitness success story of your own? Email us at contact(at)NerdFitness(dot)com and let us know so we can share your adventure with the galaxy!

PPPS: If coaching isn’t your thing, we also have two other options that have helped tens of thousands of nerds like you:

The NF Academy: 1-time payment to join a self-paced online course and private community

Rising Heroes: our habit based, story-driven team monthly adventure.

How Jeff the Doctor, Engineer, and Startup Junkie finally put himself first: A success story published first on http://fitnetpro.tumblr.com/

[almajonesnjna]

How Jeff the Doctor, Engineer, and Startup Junkie finally put himself first: A success story

Today, I have a different kind of success story for you.

It’s maybe the best example I’ve ever seen for “just knowing what to do” isn’t enough when it comes to getting healthy!

Meet Jeff (hey, that’s me next to him!):

We met a few years back at Camp NF, one of our in-person events back in 2016 – he’s one of the most accomplished people I know (he started MED SCHOOL at age 16). However, even for a guy as smart as he is, he struggled with actually getting consistent healthy results and getting out of his own way for years.

Over the past few years, as Jeff’s startup life got busier, his health took more and more of a backseat:

Jeff has founded multiple start-ups and is currently running one.

His schedule, both for travel and eating, is completely erratic.

He spent most weekends of 2018 on airplanes, flying red-eye flights.

He kept chasing the next fad, changing his mind every other day.

And his brain wouldn’t slow down! Jeff really struggled with “analysis by paralysis,” thinking about working out way more than he actually worked out.

If this sounds like you and your brain, maybe you can relate?

It took Jeff partnering with Jim, our lead trainer in the NF Coaching Program, for the past year to slow down long enough to start to see results that would stick.

And slowing down isn’t easy for this guy.

Jeff’s brain is always going a million miles an hour, he practically lives on airplanes and red-eye flights, has a super varied eating and workout schedule, and no day is the same for him thanks to his entrepreneurial career!

I’m really proud that Jeff is one of our 1-on-1 coaching clients, and that we were able to get him the results that had eluded him for the majority of his life up to that point.

I love that even as a busy entrepreneur, he’s seeing the “return on investment” of investing in himself with coaching and taking care of his own health! If this sounds like you, we’d love to hear how we could potentially help you at Nerd Fitness Coaching – simply click the button below to learn more!

I’ve chopped this interview into multiple sections, so feel free to pick the sections that you’re most interested in!

How Jeff managed to get his own brain out of the way…

Readers of Nerd Fitness tend to be on the smarter side of average.

Like you. You smart person you.

Jeff is on a different level:

He skipped high school and started college at 13.

He began med school at 16.

He became the second youngest doctor on record at age 20.

After his fellowship, he got an MBA from UCLA.

He studied machine learning in Scotland.

He’s now running a startup in Berkeley, CA.

In other words, Jeff puts the NERD in Nerd Fitness.

In my emails back and forth with Jeff to share this story with you today, I kept thinking two things:

This guy is gonna take over the planet one day, so I’m glad he likes Team Nerd Fitness!

I can totally see why he struggled with getting in shape in the past!

So this is what I wanted to ask him about.

STEVE: You have tried and done many different exercise routines, diet strategies, and everything in between. What has your life been like in that time?

JEFF: In 2014 and 2015, I joined an amateur gymnastics club and really enjoyed the experience.

Unfortunately, when I doubled the number of overnight shifts worked to 200+ nights a year, I developed recurrent upper back/shoulder issues (too much radiology work + muscle hypertrophy from gymnastics) I stopped going to gymnastics altogether, and things deteriorated quickly.

Left to my own devices in 2016 and 2017, I barely worked out at all, and barely stuck to any diet. This is how I gained 20-odd pounds across those years.

STEVE: You’re a doctor and engineer, you have an MBA, and have started multiple startups. You get bloodwork done regularly, and you know your health and fitness information inside and out.

Why do you think you weren’t able to crack the code earlier when it comes to your health and fitness? You had all the information and tools you needed right?

JEFF: I don’t think doctoring, tech, or smarts necessarily help in the pursuit of health. On a side note, there are lots of different kinds of smarts, and the kind I have is definitely limited to very specific applications

Actually, each of these probably works against you, all things considered. It’s kinda like when we say, “Doctors make the worst patients.”

To get (and stay) in shape, I think it comes down to:

Consistency, day in and day out.

Enjoying something about working out.

Building a set of habits that you return to instinctively when life gets busy.

Being surrounded by a support network of people and environments that help you get and stay in shape.

Sufficient sleep, and the practice of de-stressing in some way.

Unfortunately, those are the 5 things I feel like I have to battle each day:

Thinking too much instead of acting.

Not actually enjoying working out. I don’t get the endorphin rush at all. Trying different sports and group activities helps, but even getting back to a sport I love like gymnastics has been remarkably difficult mentally. I’ve also found the more I aim to do HIIT, the more I subconsciously avoid cardio altogether.

Rarely sticking with something long enough to build a set of habits.

Spending almost every weekend in the airport & on red-eye flights, flipping between night and day shifts every other week, having completely variable meal & workout schedules, and lots & lots of meetings.

Usually not getting enough sleep, and not making the time to meditate or de-stress much either.

Fortunately, I’ve managed to have some success keeping the demons at bay in 2018 – as you saw in the photos above, and it’s how I ended up where I am today.

How Jeff Lost 30 Pounds By Focusing on his Diet

With Jeff’s brain being incredibly analytical you can bet he was crazy detailed with his tracking, his meals, and his metrics. You’ll see some of those specifics below,

(Note: if you’re somebody with 50-100+ pounds to lose, don’t get lost in the specifics below! Check out a story like Leslie (100+ pounds lost) or Anthony (200 pounds lost)!)

STEVE: You started working with Jim from NF Coaching back in January – And since then you’ve transformed pretty dramatically, losing 30+ pounds even while working and traveling like crazy.

Can you get into the details? What strategies worked for you?

JEFF: I started the year on a low-fat paleo-ish diet for the first six months (lots of ground meat, sauteed kale, and occasionally some oatmeal in the morning).

Because I travel a lot, and flip days and nights working, my diet varied pretty dramatically.

That got me from just over 195 lbs (“before”) down to about 170-175 lbs.

I hovered there for months and months.

In June, the weight had been hovering for about a month, and I decided to try to full-blown Keto.

I measured every meal to 25g of fat, 21g of protein, and nearly 0 carbs. I stayed in the 5 – 15g / day carb range, and entered ketosis immediately.

Keto didn’t really work for me physiologically.

My weight was remarkably stable day to day while on Keto, right around the 168 – 170 range over 2 months.

At the end of August, I got a follow-up cholesterol/lipid panel just to check where things were at — and it turns out I’m in the small subset of people whose cholesterol spikes to ridiculous levels on Keto [studies have shown there’s a subset of people with cholesterol levels very sensitive to diet].

I stopped Keto immediately and went back on low-fat Paleo, which got me back to the weight hovering around 170.

I went on a vacation to Greece for the first time in September, where I gained five pounds (from eating a lot more than I should).

STEVE: I hear ya man. Keto doesn’t agree with me either, but I know it works for some! So tell me what happened specifically. So I’m glad you found low-fat Paleo-ish to work for you. That’s what I’m doing too.

So what got you over that final 10-pound hurdle?

JEFF: I was hoping to be able to do a photoshoot (a big goal I had set at the beginning of the year) in November, but the scale wasn’t budging in October and I was out of time!

I had a colleague who really suggested I look at intermittent fasting. I’d never considered it seriously before. The thought of not eating for these long intervals, after being so used to eating every 2 1/2 – 3 hours every single day, wasn’t appealing.

I remembered that you’d written a post on IF, so went back and read it through, and decided to give it a shot:

Started a 16/8 fast/feast protocol (1700 calories a day, carefully measured).

Moved to 18/6 the next day.

Move to 19/5.

Eventually did 20/4 for a few days

Went back to 18/6.

It worked wonders — my weight started going down again.

I’m actually not sure whether I like IF yet – but it works awesomely for me – there’s a disconnect between how well something works vs. whether I actually enjoy it! Haha.

Here’s why I like it: I’m more productive when not eating, show up on time to workouts, and save time by not prepping and eating six meals a day.

But we’ll see. Right now it’s working for me. And it allowed me to hit my goal on time!

STEVE: As a crazy but lazy fan of intermittent fasting, I hear ya man – it helps me make fewer decisions each day, less clean-up, less work!

Clearly, you put a huge emphasis on your nutrition, but what about your workouts?

JEFF: Workout-wise, things have varied a lot.

I still haven’t been back to gymnastics this year, but have been through all sorts of exercise routines.

To name a few:

Scheduled workouts

Unscheduled workouts

Mini-workouts at home

Assault bike sprints

Rings & small rope climb at home

A few BJJ and Aikido classes

I don’t know how to do things half-assed, so I even kicked off New Year’s last year (prior to working with Jim) in Thailand for six days at a weight loss/fitness & Muay Thai bootcamp [Gym Bangarang] in Chiang Mai.

Due to my crazy travel schedule, my workout schedule has been hit and miss. That’s okay though.

So I tried all of that, but there’s been one constant over the past twelve months…

Jeff’s Experience with Trainers and NF Coaching

STEVE: Over the past few years, you’ve trained with a dozen trainers, many of them IN person. I’m curious: what was it about the NF Online Coaching program in particular that appealed to you?

JEFF: The biggest thing about the NF Coaching program is its persistent global accountability.

As long as you keep your coach updated, he/she sees the entire sweep of your nutrition & fitness-related life (as well as most everything else that’s going on in your life), and so they are by far the best-equipped person to get you off your ass and eating right / working out.

Working with any other trainers in years past, the training and accountability usually ended as soon as the one-hour training session was over.

Occasionally someone might help put together a food plan, but most in-person trainers are far too busy to keep track of all their clients over the course of the week, the month, and the year to help them keep themselves accountable.

STEVE: What else do you get out of NF coaching and working with a trainer like Jim?

JEFF: I started working with Jim in early 2018, and here’s what I enjoy the most:

Jim provides accountability, gets me to track my progress, and a consistent reminder that I need to be doing something:

Watching and tracking each thing I eat.

Getting a workout in whenever possible.

Replying to messages in the app.

Uploading food photos.

I do my best to track weights, reps, and sets on workouts, I sometimes dump weeks of food photos in at once (I average about a 2/3 success rate on taking food photos), and I’ve been pretty slack about taking interval follow-up photos and measurements lately.

Jim always adjusts accordingly.

He’s great at providing a bit of extra slack, especially during tough weeks, and not being too critical – except when he thinks I need a push – and he’s usually right!

Here’s the other thing I love:

The chance to share the ups and downs, to celebrate the triumphs and help me make it over the hurdles, a constant social bond in the midst of never-ending work and an ever-shifting schedule.

At Camp, I really appreciated that Nerd Fitness was working hard to change people’s lives.

So no matter where NF went – whether you ever decided to do another Camp, or launch a 1:1 coaching program, or build up NF Academy – I committed to staying involved: to help out people in the NF community where possible, join the NF Academy and Coaching program and share NF with acquaintances and friends.

STEVE: What would you say to somebody considering NF Coaching?

JEFF: It works where all the other trainers and fitness programs fail. The NF Coaching program meets you right where you’re at, keeping you accountable, providing tons of encouragement, and customizing your food and workout plans specifically to you.

It’s changed my life, and it could change yours too.

THE 5 KEYS TO JEFF’S SUCCESS

#1) JEFF ACCEPTED HIS LIFE WOULD ALWAYS BE CRAZY

Every day, we’re faced with a challenge:

The way we WANT things to be, in a perfect world.

The way things actually are.

The problem arises when people optimize their lives and assume that they can have things how they want:

Of course I’ll have time to cook an amazing meal each day.

Of course I”ll have 90 minutes to work out.

Of course I’ll start batch cooking and take up Yoga.

Reality paints a very different picture, and THAT’S what you need to plan for!

Jeff had health and fitness goals, and also a crazy hectic lifestyle with ungodly amounts of travel. Rather than beating himself up for this, he accepts this is his current reality and asks “Okay, how can I do the best I can under these circumstances?”

By accepting that things would be crazy, it allowed him to have GOOD success, but not completely take over his life (the startup has already done that!).

Because Jeff knew his workout schedule and access to a gym would be limited, he took the next big step:

#2) JEFF FOCUSED ON FOOD AND TRACKING.

Over the past year, Jeff has dropped significant body fat even with inconsistent or nonexistent exercise. How does that work?

Simple: nutrition is 90% of the weight loss equation.

And for Jeff, to get down to “I want to see my abs” levels of body fat, nutrition becomes 95% of the battle.

Sure, making small changes like “focusing on real food” and “eating more vegetables” can certainly help an overweight person lose weight sustainably in the beginning, but the closer you get to 10% body fat, the more strict and disciplined you need to become.

As they say: abs aren’t made in the gym, they’re made in the kitchen.

Fortunately, Jeff was CRAZY focused on his food tracking, and used metrics to make sure he was hitting his caloric goals each day:

He focused on a Paleo-ish nutritional strategy to lose the first 15-20 pounds.

He tried the Keto Diet, but a cholesterol test revealed his body wasn’t a fan of being in ketosis. Good thing he got that test done!

He incorporated Intermittent Fasting with strict calorie tracking to lose the final 10 pounds before his photoshoot.

He knew down to the carb what he was eating on most days whenever possible. Although people that are in tip-top shape want you to think it’s effortless, the real story is often far more strict and disciplined – why? Because nobody wants to hear about counting calories and weighing their food: they just want to be told it’s easy.

If you want to get to a low body fat percentage, that’s what it will take. And it will take much longer than you expected. For Jeff, that’s what it took. And it WORKED.

#3) JEFF HAS AN ACCOUNTABILITY BUDDY

What do you do when you know what needs to be done, but life gets so busy you often forget to do it? You recruit an accountability buddy. In Jeff’s case, it was Jim, his coach. This guy:

It’s amazing that a single text from a friend each day asking you if you did a particular habit is often enough to start a habit building process.

In Jeff’s case, it was Jim’s constant support, sometimes tough love, and gentle nudging that got Jeff to be more diligent and committed to the goals he knew he wanted to reach.

#4) JEFF SETS BIG GOALS TO GET OVER HURDLES

Jeff put most of his focus on his daily habits (behavior..

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