#we go after our birthday next year! we were stalking tickets for ages

[citrus-system]

OMG! By the way!

We booked our tickets to New Zealand for next year!

[thoroughlyskeptic]

“We both went to the London premiere but not together. We weren’t engaged and there was no reason to sort of show off to the world." USA Today November 18, 2014.

I'd like the Nannies to express their opinion about this please. With the full understanding that no person or persons on this side of the computer can control, sway or change Ben's mind or heart. That's not the point. The point is to understand what you believe is the psychological reasoning behind the decision to use that phrasing with his pregnant, soon to be fiancé and soon to be wife and soon to be mother of his child. According to People magazine and the Daily Mail, and those, including nannies, who said they have seen a Birth Certificate, Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch was born on June 1st.  Dislike it all you want, having a birthday makes it possible, and given human nature, likely that people will speculate on the date of conception, especially considering the facts, including the timing with regards to the Oscars and the shotgun* nature of the wedding. If it was a full term no problem pregnancy, 40 weeks, not under or over due, she was 2 and a half months pregnant when the above statement was made.

This story you nannies have built up, that Ben and Sophie have a true perfect love forever, that they never fight, how do you reconcile that with the whole unvarnished truth? Unless Sophie was totally gormless, she must have known she was pregnant. If Ben was dating her and truly in love, he would have known she was pregnant. They married three months later. He was in true love with the women he married, the woman he proposed to, whom he didn't mention by her name in interviews, and didn't want to walk down the red carpet to his movie premiere with the woman making his dreams come true, his dreams of being a father.

Now you are going to yell about things like privacy. That what he said was meant to protect Sophie and hide the pregnancy. I think anyone who is at all skeptical could answer that one. No one eager for privacy about their personal life talks to reporters, USA Today, or People magazine at all, let alone does a wedding dress spread in Vogue. I'm surprised it was in the print edition, and not the digital only. After all, maternity bridal gowns aren't really "en vogue". The long and short of it is that photo spread was well positioned and they managed to photograph her to look like she wasn't 5 1/2 months pregnant, perhaps to make that style of gown more in demand. Shotgun weddings tend to favor empire waists and lots of flounce to disguise the bump.

Now, I know the next question from the peanut gallery will be, why bring this up? They have stayed together, have two more kids together and it has been x and whatever years.

Here are several responses. Pick one or more in any combination.

1. Our feelings don't have to be right to be valid.

2. You have the option to object to our perfectly valid emotional reaction.

3. We have a right to block you from our page. You also have this right.

4. If you object to our opinions, you do not have to read our blogs or interact with us in anyway. If you are constantly feeling harassed because you see content from skeptics, BLOCK THEM, don't blame them! If the worker at Sea World handed you a poncho to protect yourself and you didn't use it, you can't blame the Shamu if you get splashed.(Sorry for the outdated and insensitive analogy but I wanted something easy to understand. I disagree whole hearted with the captivity of intelligent creatures be they aquatic or terrestrial mammals.)

5. We are valid in our own right as people. If you attack us on a personal level, we will defend ourselves and we have the right to do so.

6. As long as we do not interact with anyone,(i.e. Ben, Sophie, Karon, his management, etc) we can say whatever we want on our own blogs. The majority of us have never met him and don't want to. As far as we are concerned, Ben is an imaginary person that we are writing as a character for a long running D&D campaign.

7. However, the same does not apply to you. Many of you have gone out of your way to meet him. You believe that by sending hate to skeptics or doxxing them you will earn validation from him. I worry that some of you are on the brink and if he doesn't acknowledge you one time, or does something that you can't justify with your world view, one of you will snap. You think this about us, I know. But the nannies on the whole have much more emotional investment in Ben's personal life. (As a for instance, The skeptics call him Ben because at least one nanny has said that, "we don't know that he prefers that nickname so we should use his full name" another said "nicknames are for close friends and family and we aren't those, so we should call him by his full name or Mr. Cumberbatch." If Ben even has two thoughts about any skeptic or nanny(especially how they address him in blog posts) for the entire year I'd be surprised. Unless, of course, it when he has to think about you lot bothering him, stalking him, and generally making a nuisance of yourselves.

******

I also know you complain that the skeptics don't "love" Ben in every thing he does and don't always watch all his work. The gatekeeping within the fandom, not include how you discount and loathe the skeptics, is extreme. Fans must be all or nothing.

1. Not everyone has the money to participate fully, whether that is buying movies, theater tickets, merchandise or going to conventions to hear him speak. Disregarding fans based on their ability to participate, especially due to financial inability, is gatekeeping and it is the worst kind of gatekeeping. You are saying the only good fans are rich ones.

2. Generally the nannies viewpoint is Eurocentric as well. Some people have jobs, have children to raise, have other things that take priority over "being a fan". Being a fan requires time that poorer countries, less developed countries generally lack. Some countries censor the movies that are shown. Doctor Strange was not shown in the East the way it was in the west and unless you can afford to travel to another location,(Say the London Premiere that didn't quite happen and the nannies were upset because he didn't preform like a good little monkey in a suit for them?) you are made to feel left out by the uber fans.

3. Some people have emotional triggers. Ben's roles tend more towards the dramatic then comedic. Drama can deeply affect those who have experienced similar situations. He has been in movies dealing with Cancer, Childhood Abuse, Incest, Slavery, War, Pedophilia, have I missed any major triggers?

4. He is also in the MCU and the Hobbit movies which have flashing lights which makes them inaccessible to those who have seizures and migraines. Another oft used gatekeeping tactic in fandoms is the restriction of accessibility. In the US, there are compliancy laws for disabilities(although they aren't always obeyed) but smaller, poorer countries may not have accessible movie theaters. Fans with disabilities can not travel as easily as more abled fans. Smaller independent films Benedict made at the beginning of his career may not have captions or audio description or may be unafforable for those that have medical costs to consider.

5. There is also gender bias in the Cumberbatch fandom. One need only look at their chosen name, Cumberbitches. I can think of 15 more gender neutral terms off the top of my head but men and those who identify as male were inherently excluded from the fandom. I can think of ONE male fan. Maybe one that writes under his wife's account as to not get ridiculed. Because they would be ridiculed by the nannies, that is who they are, the "gatekeepers of the fandom", deciding who is worthy to be a Ben fan.

They have made fun of fans before. Not just skeptics. People they don't like or don't want in their little clique. So the majority of Ben's fans are middle aged rich white women. Not because that's who he's trying to reach as an audience but because that is who his uber fans allow to worship him.

If you are in need of examples of how out of control the uber fans are take the following for an example.

Someone did a nice tweet about other actors. It had nothing to do with Ben, although it did feature Tom Hiddleston and other Marvel actors. The ubers starting by saying Ben wasn't listed, then jumped into, well, a screenshot is worth a thousand words.

As they say, that escalated quickly...

*Shotgun Wedding is an American term for a marriage precipitated by the pregnancy. It comes from an American colloquialism, termed as such based on a stereotypical scenario in which the father of the pregnant bride-to-be threatens the reluctant groom with a shotgun in order to ensure that he follows through with the wedding.

[gibelwho]

Top 5: Nostalgia Movies

This Top 5 is taking a trip down childhood memory lane to choose the best Nostalgia Movies - films that I loved as a kid and continue to love to this day. The film must have been watched multiple times during my youth and continue to be associated with a memory or tradition that was an important marker of growing up. Therefore, any film produced past 2004, when I graduated high school, has not been considered - and, to even make the cut, the film must be associated with more than just constant re-watches in our downstairs rec room (arranged with a HUGE - well, big for the ‘90s - screen with actual surround sound that my dad installed); rather, these films must be an essential part of my childhood progression into adult-hood and laid the groundwork for a future of loving cinema.

Gibelwho Productions Presents Nostalgia Movies:

5. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

4. X-Men

3. The Little Mermaid

2. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

1. Newsies

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986): As my high school career began to wrap up and I was looking ahead to college (where I had already committed to attending film school), my mother informed me of a proclamation - I was not allowed to leave her household without watching Ferris Bueller. Perhaps she knew that she needed to instill a little bit of rule-breaking encouragement into her straight A / type A child before I was to head out into the unruly world of college, but nonetheless, this film left a mark with it’s delightful adventures of Ferris, Cameron, and Sloane. Years later, I attended an LA rooftop screening where the audience all danced during the Twist and Shout parade, bringing me straight back to the joy of discovering this film with my mom. In the same tradition, I will be sure to make my kids watch this film before they leave our household for the wide world so they can learn to cause a little innocent rule-breaking. Save Ferris!

X-Men (2000): I had a secret obsession when I was a kid - I LOVED Marvel Comics. I had read all of my dad’s comic book collection from when he was a kid, I started my own collection, and had even started tracking the value of each issue. But I was a girl, and did not share this particular passion with my fellow elementary school friends (ahhh, the fear of being judged by your peers). So when I entered a movie theater as a freshman in high school (with my secret still intact) to see an X-Men film and the place was PACKED, I couldn’t contain my excitement that maybe, just maybe, more people would be into these characters and storylines. Then, when I went into my summer theatre program and my friends used X-Men characters as improv inspiration, I thought...this is going mainstream! I still didn’t confide my true colors until the MCU began and my college friends discovered that I knew a...lot more about Iron Man’s backstory than should be possible and I was officially outed. So, fully embracing my nerdom, I traveled to San Diego to the sacred ground that was Comic Con, truly cementing my love of Marvel. And now the rest of the world has caught up to why these characters are so special. That first inkling of a wider world loving what I loved started when I watched X-Men in theaters - seeing my heroes on the big screen, fighting their super villains, and the packed crowd around me was digging it!

The Little Mermaid (1989): One of my earliest memories of opening presents was from my 6th birthday, sitting in the living room and ripping open the wrapping paper to discover the VHS for The Little Mermaid - a film I had seen at school and LOVED - and now it was mine to watch at any time! Truly a special Disney moment, which is also matched with many other memories of Disney animated films (the momentous opening to Lion King and the cut to black that took my breath away in the theater, playing the Mulan soundtrack on cassette over and over singing Reflection, and identifying with Belle’s obsession with reading). I was very much the target audience for the Disney Renaissance, and I ate up all the music, the (slightly) stronger portrayal of women, and our VHS collection only grew to include all of these modern classics. The Little Mermaid kicked off a golden age for Disney Animation and little Katie grew up on the Alan Menken soundtrack.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989): Our family had three fancy VHS boxed sets for three different franchises and we watched these flicks on repeat - Star Trek movies (TOS with Kirk and Spock), the Star Wars trilogy, and the Indiana Jones films. Literally any one of the movies from these collections could make this slot, but since both of the Star franchises have already gotten love in these Top 5 lists, I’m going to pick representation from our resident archaeological professor / international adventurer. My favorite of the bunch is the third - from the thrilling opening of young Indy, to the dynamic between father and son, and the epic ending of selecting the correct Grail (“you have chosen...wisely”). Watching any one of these films is just comfort food for my soul, taking me back to the family settling in to watch in our downstairs rec room, setting the foundation for the nerdom that my parents instilled into me at a young age and that has continued to guide my interests and movie-watching to this day.

Newsies (1992): Growing up, my family had Friday movie nights, where we ordered from the Pizza Hut that was right next to a Blockbuster; my brother and I were allowed to each choose a movie to rent for the weekend. I went through a phase where I just rented Newsies on repeat. It was as though this film was made just for me - a musical, set in a historical time period, with cute boys singing and dancing, music by the magical Alan Menken - what is not to love?!? I was so obsessed with this movie that in the pre-Internet age, I wrote down the lyrics by meticulously listening, pausing, writing down, rewinding, and repeating - which was an onerous process when one was working with manual VHS tapes. I eventually got a copy of my own, the DVD when it came out, the CD of the soundtrack, and also the piano sheet music. I knew all the lines to the songs, and could probably to this day quote the majority of the movie. Years later, imagine my delight when Disney produced a Broadway musical of the movie - we took a special trip to New York on my birthday to see the show (which of course, doesn’t match up to my love for the film, the true effect of a nostalgic love for a piece of your childhood). Living in LA affords us the opportunity for magical movie-going experiences, and my husband and I scored tickets to a special showing of Newsies at the Disney El Capitan theater - and then the traveling Broadway company of Newsies the musical that was in town and performing just up the street at the Pantages theater made an appearance and performed for the audience after the movie wrapped. This film has held a special place in my heart and is the epitome of nostalgia love for a movie from childhood.

Honorable Mentions:

The Music Man (1962): The two music genres we listened to growing up were 90s country (Garth, Reba, Trisha, Wynonna!) and also musicals. Our family was very much into theater and starting at the age of twelve, I started acting in musicals at our local performing arts program for youths. Our family also watched many of the classic musicals that were filmed in the 1950s and 60s, such as Hello, Dolly, Oklahoma, and Music Man. This last film stands in as a proxy for all those classics, but was also selected in particular because I performed in a production during a summer in junior high, where I was in the background chorus (and featured in the Wells Fargo song!). The music and lyrics of this story, written by Meredith Wilson, are of such cleverness and variety - from the 4-part harmony barbershop quartet to the love song ballads, the pre-hip hop rhythmic talking song to the genius opening number of the salesmen on the train. The translation to film is serviceable and very much in the style of the musicals brought from stage to screen in the 1960s - nothing too clever and some blocking that sought to recreate a theater stage on the film set, but these series of musical films cemented my love for the genre in an accessible way just as I was starting myself to perform on stage.

Jurassic Park (1993): Oh, the raptor in the kitchen stalking the two kids stills brings me chills thinking about it. Watching that scene as a kid, I (more than once) fled the room because it was so scary! This film had it all - creepy dinosaurs, a smart teenage girl and an even smarter heroine that was a scientist, great music (whose theme I diligently learned how to play on the piano), and plenty of action! My family definitely had this on repeat in the VHS player, but I loved the movie so much that I ended up reading Michael Crichton’s novel to experience the source material - and became more aware of how a film is an adaption of a novel’s storytelling, translating from the page to the screen. I do fall in favor of reading the novel before seeing the movie, but if a film helps you discover an incredible book, it can be like diving into an extension of the world beyond what the screen can fit.

[im-not-phun-frens]

Hello Frens

It’s been exactly 2 years since the night I got to see Twenty One Pilots in concert. I can still remember the feeling...How amazing it was to me. I just wanted to explain why it means so much to me. [WARNING: THIS IS LONG AND VERY WORDY AND PROBABLY MAKES NO SENSE AND I DOUBT ANYONE REALLY CARES, BUT I WANTED TO POST IT ANYWAYS}

I know I haven’t been very active until recently, but I was trying to graduate (I graduated btw) and I got into a college that I’ve dreamed of since I was young. This is huge for me because a few years ago I was at a point where I never thought I would make it past the age of 16. I was so far down the hole of my own mental illnesses that I refused help. I refused to admit I had issues even though daily I thought about how much longer I had to wait until I got to end it all...I found their music at that point, during the Vessel era...Their music sang to me in a way that so few songs had in the past. It was magical...I fell in love with their music and who were as people.

I remember when BlurryFace came out. I was on a road trip to go to a tournament for my sister who played softball. The situation was normal, but I had that new music to listen to AND I LISTENED TO IT A LOT. During the BF era is when I became more involved here on tumblr. When I made this blog and when I decided to start sharing my art with the world via the internet. A lot shifted. I started trying harder at recovery and I started working to help myself more...And then it all came crashing down again...

Someone I had trusted until that point began sending me texts over and over and over and over and over...It felt like I had someone watching my every move, someone taunting me by texting me constantly and showing up to my home unannounced and uninvited. I had a stalker. It was terrifying, I was scared to be home and I never told my parents because I feared they would say I was overreacting because it was someone I grew up with..A best friend up until that point. We had even agreed to go to a Twenty One Pilots concert together as both of our birthdays were rather close together, mine on the 14th and theirs on the 26th, both in September. 

Obviously, I couldn’t go with them that time...How could I be around them when I feared looking at my phone because of them? They made me sob in terror anytime they messaged me. 

Fast forward and the harassment slowed down and eventually stopped...I started to work at recovery again and I tried really hard this time around. So fucking hard to feel better about myself and eventually I got to a point where I saw a future...One that felt possible and like it was something I could do...Something I hadn’t felt since I was like 10 or 11. I was getting better and sure it scared me, but I knew it was good.

Jump a few months later and...

My sister got tickets for her birthday and brought me with. The next time the boys came to town I decided it was my time to shed the part of my past with the person who stalked me that so deeply haunted me. It was her, her girlfriend, my friend, and myself all at this concert. So much happened and it was so amazing. I remember the excitement I felt. I remember the opening bands and going home after to eat cereal out of a mug. A couple got engaged and I felt alive again...Finally, I felt free of the chains that bound me in fear and after it was the most relaxed I think I’ve ever been. Even though it was around hundreds of people I felt alive and well. I felt the crowds energy and mine melding with Tyler and Josh’s. It made the shattered pieces of my heart and soul fly into the sky and melt back into a single piece. I just wanted to share this because that feeling is still something I cling to. Something I wish I could feel forever, but then it wouldn’t be so special.

Recently, a lot has changed in my life...I head off to college in a little over a month and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified of it. Some very personal issues have arisen in my world that has made things very different now and I’m also terrified of that...But now we have new music. I have something to hold onto and I have something I want to work towards. Last night I spent nearly 2 hours on the phone ranting and sobbing to my best friend over one of the most difficult choices I’ve had to make in a long time...This Era and this music have come at the most perfect time for me and I feel like sure maybe it’s hard now, but it’ll be okay...It’ll be okay someday and it’ll all be worth it.

[star-trekkin-across-theuniverse]

Escape: Not in Love

Word Count: 5622 Tags: @shewhorunswithfandoms @distinguishedqueenofbooks @anyakinamidala @anotherotter @little-study-bug  @rampant-salamander @goodnightwife @wanderingkat77 @bluebird214 @superwholockedbeauty @eyeofdionysus @all-time-foes @girl-next-door-writes @feelmyroarrrr @castiels-ass-butt-1967 @haven-in-writing @sistasarah-sallysaidso @dolamrothianlady @from-kitten-to-kitsune @geeksareunique

Author’s Note: Roxanne finds herself talked into touring with the cover band. Peter finds himself pining after a Terran. But he's not in love. Continuation of Escape

Roxanne sat at the light table in the back of the tour bus, carefully hand lettering the posters for the next four concerts. Across the table from her, the bass guitar player, Alex, was colouring her doodles in with copic markers before dropping the finished posters into the box that was being sent to the printer as soon as they made it into New York City. They worked in companionable silence. From the front of the bus, Roxanne could hear Jinx tapping on the wall while Ken, the guitarist, noodled on his acoustic.

“I know you didn’t want to do the big venue concerts in this tour, Rox, but I think kicking off your tour big like this is going to be really awesome for the foundation,” Alex suddenly spoke.

“Yeah?” Roxanne wasn’t really paying attention.

“There are a lot of kids who are going to benefit from the proceeds of this tour. I’m glad you decided to start it out with a huge Pixie Stix concert,” Alex clarified.

“I’m not the only one who made the decision, Alex.”

“No, but you are the person who was adamant it all be small venues. I think the exposure is going to help the foundation get a really solid start.” Alex went back to colouring.

“It wasn’t until I read about how poorly Americans are showing in the sciences that I realized we needed to throw as much money at the problem as we could. It changed my focus. I’m glad you threw the research my way, Al,” Roxanne shrugged.

“So my kid sister was telling me about how Stark Industries is sponsoring a women in sciences program now. They’ve got buy in from a pile of other STEM companies as well. She applied for one of their summer camps. It sounds pretty rad,” Alex segued. Roxanne’s eyebrow quirked.

“Oh?”

“Maybe you should get Jerry to contact Stark Industries and see if we can’t work together. Stark is a billionaire, right? If we could get him to throw a few zeroes on the back of the foundation’s bank account it could do some real good,” Alex suggested. Roxanne shrugged.

“I don’t know. Stark’s kind of a dick, don’t you think?”

“TV always makes famous people look like dicks. Remember when you and Jinx split?” Alex reminded her. Roxanne made a sound of disgust. Every TV tabloid show had speculated on what and why they were divorcing, going as far as to make up details when they refused to release a statement. When Roxanne finally lost her temper at a paparazzi reporter who’d been stalking her, even people in the know started freaking out that the band was going to split. She rolled her eyes.

“I guess. I’d rather see what we can do on our own, you know? Star-Lady and the astronauts was a pet project. If we can start a grassroots campaign to improve educational opportunities for all kids, on our own, we’ll have started a dialogue within the music fan base. Maybe that seems narrow-minded, I don’t know,” Roxanne sighed. “I just like the idea of us starting something without corporate sponsorship.”

“Stark has been a questionable company in the past. We don’t want to alienate potential supporters,” Alex agreed.

“Besides, that dude is always looking for a sound bite. He’d probably show up at all our press and divert attention,” Roxanne pointed out.

“Solid.” Alex slid the last poster into the box and capped his markers, carefully returning them to the wooden box he stored all his art supplies in. Roxanne stretched and folded the table away, pulling the mattress across it.

“Here’s the part where I kick you out of my bunk so I can get some sleep. I’ve been crazy tired the past few weeks,” she yawned. Alex tilted his head in concern.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just feeling run down. There was a lot more braining that went into this tour. I had to micromanage Jerry to get him to back down from insisting on the huge stadium tour idea, and he refused to try to source more affordable and ethical vendors for memorabilia and and and.” Her complaint was stifled by another yawn.

“Take your vitamins, Rox. This is going to be a busy four months.” Alex teased.

“Get out of my bunk. We have a week off at the midpoint. I’ll rest up then,” Roxanne shouldered him toward the door of the tiny room. Alex raised his hands in surrender and backed away.

“You won’t be resting then. That’s birthday week!” He protested.

“Out!” Roxanne exclaimed, pushing him past the door, and pulling it shut.

“Roxy Rain! Tell us about the line-up for tonight’s concert!” Carmen, the radio DJ, was too bubbly, too excited. Roxanne smiled and adjusted the headset on her ears.

“We’ve got representation in Star-Lady and the astronauts from Pixie Stix, Dr. Schrödinger’s Kitty, Chainlink Fence and Spleen, so we decided for the kick-off concert, we’d each do a 30 minute set. Then Star-Lady and the astronauts will wrap up the concert with two half hour sets. So it’s a good long concert, well worth the price of the ticket. And you’ll be supporting the newly founded Star-Lady foundation for Science education.” Roxanne took a long swig from the coffee in front of her when she finished speaking.

“That’s ninety minutes of front-of-the-stage rocking for you, Roxy. Sounds exhausting!”

“It’ll be worth it. We’re doing 4 big city concerts on the tour; each one will feature one of the bands from tonight, plus Star-Lady and the astronauts. But for the most part, the Star-Lady concerts are going to be in smaller venues across America, and the profit from those concerts will be put back into science education in those communities. It’s going to be a busy four months.”

“Sounds like it’ll be worth it. What makes musicians want to give to science education?” Carmen asked.

“We’re all scientists first. Music was a passion that paid off in a big way for each member of Star-Lady and the astronauts, but the sciences are where we cut our teeth, and where we’d all planned to have careers,” Roxanne explained. She knew she would be explaining the same thing in every city they visited for the next four months. And she was already exhausted. She plastered a smile on her face.

“Any chance you’ll drop us a hint on what you’ll be playing tonight?” Carmen pressed. Roxanne laughed and picked up her acoustic guitar.

“Most of what Star-Lady does is cover music, but this is an original tune. It’s being released next week and as with everything from the tour, the profits are going to support science education and programs in communities across the country,” Roxanne explained. “You’ll have to forgive my playing, I don’t often pick up a guitar anymore, so I’m a little rusty.” She picked at the strings to make sure the guitar was tuned, and strummed a couple of practice chords. Carmen cocked her head and narrowed her eyes.

“Wait, before you start,” she interrupted. “This is an song that hasn’t been released? So you’re giving us a world premiere?” Roxanne pulled a face and giggled.

“Yeah, I guess so,” she nodded.

“Okay, folks, you’re hearing it here first, Roxy Rain from Pixie Stix and Star-Lady and the astronauts with the world premiere of the first single from the Star-Lady and the astronauts album!”

Roxanne could feel herself flushing and started playing the guitar again. She cleared her throat and winked at the DJ, who was nearly vibrating with excitement.

“I haven’t played guitar for anyone in ages. So everyone listening needs to remember, I’m the singer, okay?” She laughed self-consciously, and took a deep breath. “Hey spaceman, won’t you take me for a ride?” The words slipped out and the gentle musicality of Roxanne’s acoustic voice silenced the room. She was used to that. Any time she did acoustic work, and didn’t have what she called her ‘rock star voice’ amped to eleven, people fell silent. It was like they forget that she was actually a musician, if that made any sense. It didn’t to her, but she still noticed it. Her fingers stumbled on the guitar, but her voice was carrying the song anyhow. The guys had all said it was a strong melody when she’d written it, and there was very minimal accompaniment on the release or in practice.

“That’s a love song, Roxy,” Carmen commented, her eyebrow raised. Roxanne laughed.

“Sure. Here’s the thing. My background in the sciences has been esoteric Pixie Stix trivia for years, but I am a scientist at heart. And my specialty is space. Of course I’m in love with the notion of space travel, and seeing past our atmosphere. There is so much more than this little earth out there for us, and we have no idea what it all holds,” Roxanne shrugged.

“So if a spaceman offered, you’d tag along on an intergalactic adventure?” Carmen smirked, pressing for an answer.

“In a heartbeat,” Roxanne laughed. “That’s not realistic though is it? I’d have to wrap the tour, and plan to be off the grid for a while, get my affairs in order. There’d be too many questions otherwise, right?”

“Well, we know there is other life out there now,” Carmen led.

“Sure, we know there’s life out there, but is it life that is compatible with ours? So far, the aliens that have visited earth have been largely out to destroy it,” Roxanne stated. “Not exactly compatible with my romantic notions about travelling the universe.”

“They say that Thor is an alien,” Carmen waggled her eyebrows. “I’ve got some romantic notions about him.”

Roxanne couldn’t help but laugh. “Fair enough. But the aliens that invaded New York? Or the ones that hit London? They don’t really strike me as the kind that would like a human tag-along. In the end, it’s a song, and sure, it’s romantic. Because music is supposed to make us dream about the extraordinary.”

“Like aliens who are hot like Thor coming to sweep you off your feet,” Carmen determined.

“Exactly,” Roxanne laughed.

“I love the song, Roxy, I love the album. I love the motivation for the tour and I just love everything about you. I can’t wait for the concert tonight. I’m looking forward to following the tour and seeing all the awesome science stuff you guys are able to purchase to support education. I wish you all the best,” Carmen started to wrap up the interview. “We just released some tickets for the sold-out opening night of the Star-Lady and the astronauts tour tonight, and if you don’t have any luck at the box office, stay tuned because we are giving away three more pairs of tickets with backstage meet and greet coming up on the half hours. Thanks again for coming in, Roxy Rain!”

“Well thanks for having me. It’s been fun. See you tonight!” Roxanne waited until her mic had been turned off before she rose and packed up her guitar. “How’s the ticket give away been going?”

Carmen finished flicking some switches on the console to run the next music set. “It’s been cool. People are really excited. Last week, everyone who was entered to win tickets had to donate to an education program for underprivileged kids. We wound up raising over $3500 for a science program in the Bronx. Then Stark Industries matched it. Which was cool.”

“That’s very cool. I heard something about a women in STEM initiative that Stark Industries started,” Roxanne nodded.

“Yeah, I’ve got the info on it in my email. Want me to forward it to you? We’ve been giving it a lot of airtime. It sounds solid awesome.”

“Yeah, that would be cool,” Roxanne yawned. “Man, I’m sorry. I am already so bagged and the tour hasn’t even started. I’m going to need lots of B12 over the next few weeks.”

“I hope your bunk is comfy,” Carmen teased.

“That is where I am headed right now. I’ve got time for a catnap before I need to carb up for the show,” Roxanne laughed. “I’ll see you at the meet and greet. It was nice to meet you, Carmen.” She made her way out of the studio and down to the waiting driver, who returned her to the stadium. While set up continued, she pushed to the back of the tour bus and crashed in her bunk, becoming dead to the world.

“Rox, come eat, love,” Jinx shook her shoulder. Roxanne rolled over in the dim light of the bus and rubbed her eyes.

“It’s dark,” Roxanne mumbled.

“Yeah, dinner’s ready, you have thirty minutes before you need to be in hair and make-up. Meet and greet in 2 hours, concert in three.” Jinx ran through the itinerary quickly.

“Why did you let me sleep so long?” She stretched and yawned.

“This is the third time I’ve been in to wake you, love. I told you that you needed more sleep. You can’t start this tour run down, Rox.” Jinx was scolding, but his tone was gentle. It reminded her why she’d married him. She scrubbed her hand down her face and nodded.

“Straight to bed after the concert tonight, I promise.” She held her hand across her heart.

“Come eat then.” Jinx pulled her to her feet.

“In a heartbeat. That’s not realistic though is it?” The voice crackled across the radio and Rocket rolled his eyes.

“How did you manage to find a smart one, Quill?” He asked, fiddling around with some strange components.

“I didn’t find – you know, forget it, you wouldn’t understand.” Peter pushed out of his seat and stepped over to the radio, switching it back over to the iPod.

“Understand what exactly? That a month after leaving Terra we’re back in orbit over it, despite having nothing of value for us?”

“There’s value in Terra!” Peter exclaimed.

“There’s a girl on Terra, Quill, that’s not exactly our line of work, unless you want to add sex-trafficking to our list of potential jobs?” Rocket snapped.

“What?” Peter was confused.

“The way I see it, Quill, we’re back here because of that woman. And you said she was nothing special when we left Terra last month, so what gives?” Rocket demanded.

“Maybe she is something special,” Gamora suggested. “We haven’t been further than a quadrant away from Terra since we left.”

“Or maybe I’m homesick!” Peter protested.

“Explain why we’ve been listening to her radio interview for the past fifteen minutes?” Gamora demanded. Peter huffed out a sigh of defeat.

“You know what? Screw you guys. Maybe I would like to see her again!” Peter threw up his arms. “What does it matter?”

“She wrote a song about you, Quill. She wants to see you again too,” Gamora pointed out.

“That song was not about Quill. That song was about metaphors,” Drax protested. Gamora rolled her eyes. Peter threw his hands up in defeat and stalked toward the galley.

“It’s a good thing Rocket knows how to use the google,” Gamora sighed. “He managed to win you tickets to the concert tonight.” Peter froze between rooms, and turned slowly back to face the rest of the crew.

“What?”

“You can pick it up at the stadium box office,” Rocket confirmed. Peter’s eyes narrowed, disbelieving what he was hearing. “What? It’s why we’re here. It’s why you’ve been irritable. Go see the girl, get her out of your system, and then we can get back to loot. And credits.” Rocket watered Groot’s pot as he spoke.

After a huge coffee and a refill, Roxanne was feeling slightly more human. She devoured the steak and pasta that Jinx dropped in front of her, and made her way to hair and make up. She flopped down in the chair, nursing a third enormous coffee, feeling the caffeine work its way through her system.

“Roxy, meet and greet in ten,” Jerry leaned in through the door. Roxanne nodded and waved him off. She just needed to get dressed, and she had plenty of time to do that between the meet and greet and the stage call. She made her way out to the backstage fan area, still holding her coffee cup. She had on a pair of patterned leggings and a long t-shirt. It wasn’t a look she ever wore on stage, but she suspected she’d be seeing more of it in her fan base after the concert. The DJ from earlier was wrangling fans, and waved at her. She waved back, and then realized that Carmen was actually waving her over.

“Heya?” Roxanne met her halfway between the fan line and where she’d been standing.

“There’s a dude here to pick up tickets he won but he’s got no ID. Claims he knows you and you could ID him,” Carmen looked awkward.

“Oh yeah? What’s he say his name is?” Roxanne walked with Carmen back to the pick up area.

“Roxanne!” She heard a familiar male voice call. Her eyes narrowed and her head snapped around to where the voice had come from. It was Peter. She smiled broadly.

“This the guy?” She asked Carmen. Carmen nodded.

“Peter Quill?” Carmen looked down at her clipboard.

“Yeah, I know him,” Roxanne lengthened her stride and headed toward Peter. She threw her arms around him across the metal barricade separating the unsecured area from where she was standing. “You are a sight for sore eyes, Pete.”

“You look amazing, Rox.”

“Professional hair and make-up.” She waved it off, pulling away. She nodded at the security guard, who allowed Peter to pass through the gate into the secured area. Roxanne slipped her arm into the crook of Peter’s elbow and led him back to where the fans were. Roxanne tugged Peter’s shoulder down to whisper in his ear. “I’m not gonna have much time to catch up, Pete, but I’ll let security know you can stick around after the show.”

“I’d enjoy catching up,” Peter smiled. Roxanne winked and let go of his arm, to walk over to the fans waiting to meet her. Carmen was talking to them as she approached, and Roxanne glanced over her shoulder, looking for the ‘astronauts’. She saw them over near a table of food, looking uncomfortable. She reeled around and headed over to her bandmates.

“Guys, you need to relax. These people are here for you. And they’re science geeks. Check out the t-shirts,” Roxanne pointed out the front row of fans. There was a Carl Sagan t-shirt, a periodic table t-shirt and one that made a pun about covalent bonds that sent the drummer into fits of giggles. “Let’s go meet some people, shall we?”

Roxanne led the group over to the fans and waited for Carmen to bring everyone in. They cycled through the group, chatting with everyone, and eventually the rest of the band got more relaxed. Just as they were wrapping up, Carmen approached them again.

“Your friend is hot.” She gave Peter a once over. Roxanne smirked.

“Is he?” Roxanne was purposely vague.

“He is. I bet you’d run away in a heartbeat if he was your spaceman,” Carmen teased, winking. Roxanne let out a loud, surprised laugh.

“You have no idea,” she muttered as she walked toward Peter. She very carefully didn’t touch him on approach. “You look good enough to eat, Mr. Quill.”

Peter arched an eyebrow. “I don’t think we have time for that right now, Roxanne.”

“True story. Let me grab you an access pass, and show you the dressing room. You can come and go from the show back then.” Roxanne led him over to Jerry. “My friend needs a pass, Jer.”

“Roxy, really?” Jerry gave Peter a once over. “You’ve never been one for groupies.”

“He’s not a groupie,” Roxanne argued. Peter shook his head from behind Roxanne.

“Totally a groupie. Nice to meet you.” He offered his hand to Jerry. Jerry shook it, raising an eyebrow at Roxanne.

“Not a groupie. I’ll grab you that pass.” Jerry flipped through his clipboard and pulled a pass out for Peter, handing it over and then hustling off to do something.

“What did he mean?”

“If you were a groupie, you wouldn’t have shook his hand,” Roxanne informed him. She glanced around and saw that no one was watching and pressed a kiss to Peter’s lips quickly. “See you later.”

The concert went better than Roxanne had anticipated. They were called for three encores and the preliminary tally on the fundraising from merchandise was twice what had been anticipate, Jerry had announced as they came off-stage. The caffeine had finally worn off, and coupled with the intense concert, Roxanne was bagged. She stumbled into the dressing room, forgetting that Peter was waiting for her, and flopped on the couch.

“You look exhausted, Roxanne.” Peter stepped over to the couch, sat her up and began rubbing her back. Roxanne groaned in release.

“33 more dates, Pete. I won’t let you leave if you keep that backrub up,” Roxanne threatened. Peter climbed onto the couch behind her and kept massaging.

“You know the team wouldn’t allow that,” Peter murmured, dropping a kiss on the nape of her neck. “They say I’ve missed you.”

“Have you?”

“Probably,” he admitted. Roxanne laughed.

“And when are you expected back?”

“Eventually.” Peter’s hands stilled on her shoulders and slid forward, wrapping around her. He sighed and leaned against her.

“That’s vague. Tonight? Tomorrow?” Roxanne pushed up and turned in his arms, kneeling into the plush couch cushions. “Next Tuesday?”

Peter answered her with a kiss. He drew her up against his chest and slipped his hands under the spangly silver sequined top Roxanne had worn during her last set. “Long enough, Rox.”

“Then maybe we should move this to the bus, where we have half a chance of some privacy.” Roxanne stepped off the couch and took Peter’s hand, leading him down the hallway toward the loading bay. Roxanne pulled a magnetic flag off the inside of the bus door and put it on the outside before pulling the door shut. Peter peered around at it and started laughing.

“Sleeping? Not really.” He winked and followed her down to her bunk. “Where were we?” He pulled her back into his arms and tilted his head down to kiss her. Roxanne wrapped her arms around his neck and groaned.

“You were giving me an amazing massage,” she reminded him. “Here, I’ll get my show stuff off and you can continue. My back has been killing me the last few days.” She turned away to the drawers beside her bed and pulled out a pair of pajamas. Peter snorted.

“Don’t worry about those. They won’t be on long anyhow,” he teased. Roxanne smirked and disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

“I don’t wear anything under my stage clothes, Pete,” she taunted from the bathroom. Peter pulled off his jacket and boots and dropped them in a pile on the floor. Roxanne reappeared and assessed him. “You could lose the shirt and pants too.” He stripped down to his boxers and hopped on the bed beside her, bouncing her slightly. She rolled onto her stomach and cleared her throat.

“Let’s have some more of those magic fingers, Star-Lord,” Roxanne demanded. Peter knelt beside her and dug into the tense muscles of her back and was gratified to hear Roxanne’s moan of pleasure at the massage. He leaned down and kissed her shoulder, watching goosebumps dance across the bare flesh at her neck. Roxanne sighed and settled under his skillful ministrations.

“I liked the song, Rox,” he offered.

“Yeah?”

“The Milano is remarkably warm inside. Just thought I’d confirm that for you,” he teased. Roxanne let out a low chuckle.

“Good to know.” Her voice had grown husky.

“I liked the acoustic version from the radio best,” he continued. “But I need to know, do I count as hot like Thor?”

There was no response from Roxanne, and Peter was ready to be offended when he caught the gentle snore and realized she’d fallen asleep. He pulled up the blankets and curled up next to her to go to sleep.

“I’m sorry,” Roxanne whispered, kissing Peter awake in the low light of pre-dawn.

“You were tired,” Peter grumbled, scrubbing his hand across his face. Roxanne slid closer on the bed and nodded.

“I was. I’m not now.” She dipped her head and nipped at his collarbone. Peter made a noise that Roxanne could only define as a purr and rolled on top of her, capturing her mouth with his own. He slid his hand down to her pajama bottoms and tugged at them. Roxanne shifted her hips, pulling free of the stretchy jersey shorts and wriggling them down her hips. She tugged at Peter’s briefs, struggling to shimmy the elastic down his hips. He broke free from the kiss to take over, kicking them off the foot of the bed. He dropped back between Roxanne’s legs and let out a sigh of contentment. Roxanne bit his lip, crooking her heel around the back of his thigh and tugging him closer.

The sharp staccato of purposeful knocking started at the front of the bus. Peter stilled, like he was a kid caught with his hand in the candy jar. “Who –“

“I don’t care, we’re busy, and I have my sleeping flag up. Everyone on the crew knows you do not disturb me when I’m sleeping,” she grumbled.

“We’re not sleeping,” Peter pointed out.

“I’m not answering the door,” Roxanne shrugged, and pulled his mouth back to hers. She tugged him against her and used his movement to shift her weight and roll on top of him. She sat back, and stared at him. His hair was tousled from sleep, and he had a few days growth of stubble. He looked good in the morning. She leaned back down and kissed him, rocking her hips until he slipped inside her. He groaned into her mouth, and settled his hands at her hips, following along as she rocked her pelvis back and forth.

The banging at the door intensified. He broke the kiss to stare over her shoulder, as if they were going to be interrupted.

“Pete, relax. The door is locked,” Roxanne reassured him. He sat up and rolled her onto her back, pistoning his hips against hers. Roxanne rocked in rhythm with him, letting out a whimper of pleasure as he ground against her roughly.

“Goddamnit, Roxy, I know you’re in there!” It sounded like Jerry. The banging became a cacophony of noise, and Peter slowed down just long enough to lean back and swing the door to the bunk shut and flip the lock. Roxanne pulled him back to her, taking his mouth aggressively with her own.

“Stop getting distracted, Pete,” she growled, tilting her hips and wrapping her legs tightly around his thighs. Peter closed his eyes and sighed, his thrusts getting rougher and quicker. The banging at the door echoed through the room, in syncope to the movements of their bodies. Peter grunted and tightened his grip on her hips, collapsing against her.

“I’m sorry, Rox. I couldn’t concentrate. And you felt really good,” he murmured into her ear, smoothing her hair away from her face as he shifted his weight and rolled to the side. He pressed his lips gently against hers.

“Been at sea too long, sailor?” Roxanne teased.

“Seems like a month is too long where you are concerned. I’ll make it up to you,” he promised.

“Yes, you will.” Roxanne climbed across him and picked his t-shirt off the floor, pulling it over her head. She grabbed a pair of panties out of the drawer and slipped them up over her hips. She moved to smooth her hair, and decided against it, unlatching the door and walking toward the front of the bus. The banging was enough that Peter pulled a pillow over his head. He heard Roxanne unlock the door of the bus and swing it open, and heard her pad back up the steps into the kitchenette. He peered at her from under the pillow, watching her pull a k-cup pod out of the box, and set a cup of coffee brewing.

“Christ Almighty, Roxy, I was banging on that door for ten minutes!” Jerry complained as he climbed the stairs into the bus. “Did you not get my text last night, you’re late for a meeting.”

“You’d better have another one of those nice white cups for me if you’re going to talk to me like that this early in the morning, Jer,” Roxanne snatched the Starbucks cup out of his hand, and took the coffee cup from the k-cup machine. She turned her back on the manager and brought the coffee down to Peter. “Here, you can have my coffee, since Jerry brought me whatever this is.” She put it on the bedside table and headed back down the narrow hall to the kitchenette. About halfway down the short hall, the bus rocked with the footfalls of another person climbing up the short stack of stairs. Roxanne opened the mini-fridge, and bent over, looking for something to eat. Peter watched Jerry look away uncomfortably as his t-shirt slipped up Roxanne’s hips exposing her hot pink panties. The guy at the top of the stairs had no such qualms about Roxanne’s state of undress.

“It’s been a while since I’ve spent quality time with a musician. But this looks promising.” The stranger pulled off his sunglasses and smiled wolfishly at Roxanne’s ass. Roxanne shot up, and turned to face him. The look he gave Roxanne made Peter want to run down the hall and punch him. Roxanne obviously felt the same way, and the crack of her hand connecting with the guy’s face reverberated through the confined space of the bus.

“Who the fuck is this, Jer?” She demanded.

“Roxanne Raintree, meet Tony Stark. Mr. Stark was interested in supporting the foundation.” Jerry dropped his head into his hands and rubbed his temple, masking a cringe. “I don’t suppose he still will be.”

“She’s not the first woman to slap me. Won’t be the last,” Stark shrugged. Roxanne tensed.

“No thanks. We’ve already discussed this, Jerry. We want to foundation to stand on its own, without corporate sponsorship.” Roxanne dismissed Stark and Jerry and went back to the fridge. She didn’t bend as far over as she looked inside it for something to eat. She pulled out a yogurt and slowly pulled the foil off, raising an eyebrow at Jerry. “You can go now.”

“Roxy, I can call you that, right? Roxy, Stark Industries wants to support any initiative that makes the sciences attainable,” Stark started. “And your particular foundation has huge potential to bring in kids that might not otherwise get those opportunities.”

“Yes, I know. That’s why we founded it.” Roxanne rummaged in the kitchenette for a spoon, and leaned against the short counter to eat. She crossed her ankles and pursed her lips as she watched Stark take in the pale length of her legs.

“Stark Industries wants to throw money at you. I’m having a hard time understanding –“

“Stark Industries might have successfully rebranded, but the bands involved in the foundation are really not interested in taking donations from a company that used to make military weapons,” Roxanne interrupted.

“So this granola and flaxseed reputation is legitimate?” Stark scoffed.

“My life isn’t about sound bites, Mr. Stark. I practice what I preach.”

“And you have the freedom to practice that because of sacrifices –“

“Don’t. Don’t go there, Mr. Stark,” Roxanne cut him off. “You don’t get to talk about the sacrifices of the military just because you provided them with weapons.”

“It must be nice to be wealthy enough to refuse donations on principle, but consider who is losing out while you ride your high horse into the sunset, princess.” Stark raised an eyebrow and then looked past her, settling his gaze on Peter, who was laying in the bed, pillow still over his head, blanket barely covering his ass. “I can see you’re busy. Another time.” Stark turned on his heel and walked out. Roxanne took a sip from the coffee she’d stolen from Jerry.

“Well done, Roxy. He was set to donate half a million.” Jerry shook his head and rose to leave.

“We don’t need his money.” Roxanne was adamant.

“Get that groupie out of here, we pull out in thirty minutes.” Jerry stomped down the stairs and slammed the bus door shut. Roxanne walked back to the bed and climbed in beside Peter. Peter groaned and pulled her close for a kiss before sitting up.

“You coming back any time soon?” She asked as he pulled his clothes on. He shrugged.

“I don’t know.” Peter pulled a concert t-shirt out of his pocket and pulled it over his head. He sat down on the edge of the bed and laced up his boots. Roxanne bit the inside of her cheek, trying to be cool with the answer.

“Well, you seem to be able to track down the concert schedule easily enough. And you’ve figured out radio contests,” she paused. Peter laughed.

“Actually, that was Rocket,” he admitted. Roxanne laughed.

“That is awesome. How? You know what, I don’t want to know,” she smiled. “Next time, I’ll make sure we can’t be disturbed.” Peter pushed her back onto the bed and kissed her again.

“I swear, I owe you one.” He murmured. Roxanne bit his lip and smiled.

“We already established that. A big one,” She teased and let go of him.

[reesebird]

New Post has been published on https://reesebird.com/2019/08/13/meeting-family/

Meeting family?

I apologise in advance this is long and complicated TW (mental abuse/alleged sexual abuse/physical attack) (Note: I am currently 29 years old)

My mother has always been a single mother. I am repeatedly told by her and her friends how she gave up her job and life and everything for me. She never ever ever tells me a thing about the past. To the point where one of her friends would let slip “when we were teens and snuck out to the cinema…” my mum was absolutely furious and got extremely angry at her friend for telling (trying to tell me) a story about her and also at me for “listening to her sh*t” I CANNOT know ANYTHING. And the only friend who let things slip has now died.

She is so secretive about my actual family that any friends (or friend’s parents) who’d ask about my dad or why she never married she’d never let me talk to them ever again (which made school awkward).

She is extremely controlling with my friends, if I go somewhere she HAS to drive me. She also has to pick me up. This is to confirm I am with who I say I’m with. If I’m vague or if she doesn’t see me actually meet my friend she will wait somewhere around the area and sometimes she sends her friends and her friend’s daughters out to spy on me. Example: One time I said I’m meeting “Natasha” at Starbucks at 11. Got dropped off in town. Natasha couldn’t meet until 1 and we went to Caffè Nero. My mum was furious at me because she walked past Starbucks and sat outside waiting for me and I never showed up. “Who were you with, where were you what were you doing, you’re a liar, this is why I don’t trust you” The next day I met a different friend “Kayleigh” and outside the place we were meeting was my mum’s friend’s daughter who watched me go in, who I sat with and immediately started typing on her phone. (I was 28 at the time this happened. Not young!). She’ll also go into shops or cafes or places my friends work and ask if I was in and who was I with and things like that.

She refuses to let me have my own bank card and my own money. I need to say what I want the money for, show her the items I bought and also reciepts.

For some random reason when I was a child (maybe 6,7,8?) she told me my Nan (Dad’s mum) wants contact with me. My dad’s side of the family live a 6 hour journey away but I chose yes, I want to see them. My mum let me meet my Nan briefly but made many snide comments about hating her and contact dropped off. I WAS allowed to meet my aunts and uncles. And their children (my cousins). I could meet anyone I wanted as long as it wasn’t my Dad. And I was to never ask about him (at such a young age I was terrified to go against my mum’s wishes).

When I was 14 I started to ask about my Dad. My mum went cold and ignored me for a week straight then she got her friend to tell me he’s a loser who has no money and he only wants mine (umm, what money does a 14 year old have worth stealing?) They also said he’s a pervert and only wants contact me because I’m young. They said he has sexually assaulted my mum’s friend, my mum’s friend’s daughter and has attacked my mum.

I never saw or spoke to the family much. I only ever remained in contact with one aunt and her children. I was under the impression Dad re-married and had a wife and 3 kids. I contacted the girl on social media and considered her my sister. My mum was so angry and got someone to hack into my account, send my sister a load of abuse and blocked her.

When I was 18 (in 2008) we went to a big family party for my aunt (the first family event we had been to and we could only go because my Dad wasn’t there). My sister was there and it was the only time we’d ever met and she hid because she was terrified of ME.

Now I need to make this bit clear: I WASN’T HERE FOR THIS NEXT EVENT. This happened outside and I was inside at the bar. The one friend I took with me was with my mum. A cousin who my mum has always made it clear she hated and she tried to make me hate (“he stole your toys when you were 4” “his mother got him tickets to Disneyland and all you got was a photo album, isn’t that unfair?” and so many sly comments and looks) had attacked my mum. I got there as he pushed her up against a fence holding a glass bottle to her face and my cousins (his sisters and brother and our other cousins) were pulling him off of her and helping her. He claims she started it but she says she never said anything directly to his face. My friend confirmed this. Though my friend has since been caught out in many lies amd eventually blocked me. And my mum? Well she’s getting more aggressive. Example: She’ll go to a restaurant my friend owns and I temporarily worked at and demand freebies, refuse to pay and call him a tight fisted “see you N tea” and constantly tell other customers (even new ones who just walked in) how much she hated the food there. Eventually he banned her then banned me from working there, because of her behaviour. And (stupidly) it’s only recently I’ve started to think maybe my mum did cause the incident.

My mum’s been extremely paranoid about the incident. She was scared of him for years because he’s “loose” and “got away with it unpunished” (I have since found out he got over £1,000,fine! But for years she constantly told me they “couldn’t find the security footage” so “the whole family have tool his side and it’s a massive cover up and they’re all involved”). She absolutely forbid me to speak to any of the family at all.

The family continued to send me letters, wedding invitations, birthday cards. My mum would rip them up and it all eventually stopped. Around 5 years ago (so about 6 years after the incident) my cousin I was closest to and who helped pull her brother off of my mum added me on social media. I told my mum about it, lucky for me she’s not on social media but as I said, she has spies and I knew her reaction if she did find out. She told me I can do what I want but she won’t be happy. Then she told me to accept so we can spy on the family. So I added my cousin and as many names as I could remember from the family. Only a few accepted.

Only a few months ago a blank profile contacted me on social media with a phone number saying that’s my Dad’s. I’ve been too scared to phone it because if it got back to my mum I can’t even imagine. Also I have always feared he is dangerous because of what my mum and her friend have said. But it’s always confused me how he’s married and has other kids if he’s so “dangerous” One thing I’ve noticed is he is very rarely in family pictures. I must’ve come across around 2 in total. I stalked his children, the girl I think of as my sister. Her dad is not mine. Not the same face, not the same (first) name. She is my dad’s brother’s. She is my cousin. I’m not sure why my mum freaked out all those years ago when I spoke to her specifically. How is she different to my other cousins?!.

Now one of my cousins has spoke about coming down to visit me. I’d love to see her and I hope she has answers. The problem is she didn’t exactly ask. She just sort of said she is coming down to visit and has already booked the hotel and travel. The few people I trust to cover for me and not blab to my mum have all said it’s extremely important I meet her because she’ll have all the answers. I’ve also been encouraged to call my Dad. But I am so scared of my mum and her reaction. She is mentally and emotionally abusive and she gets physical, too. And if I do the slightest thing wrong she gets her friends, and their friends, and their kids to call and message me what an awful person I am (last time was “I forgot my sandwich, can we turn the car round” because how dare I be demanding and spoilt and MAKE my mum turn around etc etc) so I am too afraid to do something REALLY wrong.

I am so afraid of being caught out in a lie that I’ve been honest and told my mum my cousin is visiting. She thinks it’s an ambush. It’s revenge for all those years ago. She thinks I’ll go to meet one cousin and the whole family will be there waiting to attack me. Then she ignored me all night and when she spoke the next day she said I can only meet my cousin if I’m with her and she’s gonna punch my cousin before my cousin punches us. I don’t think my cousin is aggressive or after revenge because we are actually friends and speak all the time (mum doesn’t know this). (Example of my mum’s paranoia: I asked for some money to go on holiday. She gave it to me, my own and she made up what i cant afford. but kept saying the holiday is not going to happen. She still believes it didn’t. All the pictures of me on holiday? Photoshopped! She thinks I ran off with her money. Where did I go if not on holiday?).

I don’t think my cousin is aware of the beef because before she booked the hotel she asked to stay with us. I don’t want to explain about my mum yet as I dont want to put my cousin off coming. It’s so important that I meet her. But I also have no idea how I’m going to hide her! I don’t know how to start explaining to her.

Side note: I’ve had my mum seen to by doctors and she outright denies any mental health issues and refuses to take any meds because “nothing is wrong”

[celestial-writespace]

Love?

I first fell in love when I was 15 years old. Or so I thought it was love. 

I remember being in 10th grade. I was just the typical, outgoing, kind of nerdy but extroverted, average-looking girl who was sort of desperate for acceptance. I hung out with my friends a lot, watching band gigs and horror movies at someone’s house every once in a while. I was content with that kind of life because that was all that I and my friends had ever known. Dating and crushes were never in the picture. After all, I attended an all-girls exclusive school. Who was there to crush on, right? However, as a tradition in our school, we were required to have an interaction activity with an all-boys school. During the activity, we met the boys from one of the classes of Lourdes School of Mandaluyong. I didn’t have much male friends at that time, so I definitely looked forward to that event, hoping I’d make some friends or, you know, maybe finally have a crush on someone. That sounded interesting. Sadly, when that day came, and I didn’t really bond with any of them strongly. They were… ok. Not the ok with –ay as in okay, or the ok in all caps as in OK, but just ok. Definitely, my expectations were let down. Nonetheless, my friends seemed to be fond of the boys. They all had their own male besties, and soon, some of them developed a romantic relationship. No doubt, I felt left out BIG TIME. They would have conversations about boys, and I just couldn’t relate. I tried so hard to be friends with some of their friends, too. But you could say that I was a clueless pigeon when it comes to interaction with the opposite sex. I was really awkward. Not a real-life conversation with one of those boys came by without me causing a dead awkward silence, which caused them to pay more attention to my friends instead of me. Still, I needed that sense of belonging. Summer came, with no luck in gaining any new friends. The only thing I ever looked forward to was church. Every Saturday I went to Youth Service, where an announcement caught my attention. “Youth Camp 2016: PASSION. Registrations are now open,” it read. I decided not to make any remarks about it to my dad first, since I knew it was going to be announced the next day anyway at Sunday service. So, the next day, the announcement came on, and my dad encouraged me to join, as well as my 25-year-old sister. As the announcement came on, I looked around at each family that attended the service, looking for anyone in each family that I could invite to youth camp. Also, maybe I could make some friends, right? So, there I was, looking around. This one guy then catches my attention, like he did every week. We’re not friends, nor have we EVER talked, but I knew his name was Marc because I guess you could say that I’ve been asking around. On that day, he wore a school shirt and some dark blue shorts with his classic all-white Nike. His shirt read “LSGH Airforce,” and it was then when I found out he was a dancer. He was so cool. I wish I could be a dancer, too. This sparked up my interest in him. I always thought that he was the type of guy I’d probably get along with, but no. I knew how awkward I was around boys and I couldn’t afford to embarrass myself in front of him, and for that reason, I decided to just let it pass. The day of the camp came. You’d think this was where all the flirting started. Well, it did, but not for me and Marc. You see, I attended camp with my sister, my beautiful sister. She didn’t really attend church before this, so it wasn’t long before she was the center of attention for everyone. “Uy, I didn’t know you had a pretty sister pala,” they would call out to me, most likely in hopes that I’d introduce them to her. But she was 25 and had a boyfriend. She was already a lawyer, too. Everyone else in the camp was around 16-21 years old, and I knew my sister’s type. What I didn’t know was Marc’s type. During the camp, I didn’t really notice anything off. Let’s just say that camp wasn’t very interesting in terms of friendship or relationship drama. However, during the last day as we were about to go home, I went to look for my sister, hoping to borrow her power bank. Sadly, I didn’t get to borrow her power bank because my attention had been caught by the way Marc stood there, happily conversing with - you guessed it - my sister. The whole bus trip they were together, even at the stopovers. Yes, I was somewhat jealous, but I wasn’t hurt. I always kept in mind that my time will soon come. However, I didn’t know that it’d come so quickly after that camp. Upon coming home from camp with my sister, I received a friend request from Marc. It weirded me out, knowing how we never talked the entire three days at camp, and him showing absolutely no interest in even being acquaintances with me. Then he suddenly sent me a friend request? I concluded that he just wanted to be Facebook friends with me to get more info about my sister. However, that idea was overruled by my hidden admiration for him. With permission from my sister, I clicked accept. And within 3 minutes, I received a message from him. “Hiii,” it read. I got excited, but the thought that he probably just wants to get on my good side to get to my sister kept reappearing. I told my sister about it, and she told me that I should make friends with him because he was more my age. So, with her consent, I replied. That night, we had a fun conversation, talking about our hobbies, past crushes, and such. However, the thought of him just using me to get to my sister remained in my head. I tried to tease him about my sister in hopes of getting him to finally admit. But he never did. We talked all evening. The next day, I received a good morning message from him. This was the first time a guy ever greeted me good morning. Oh, how my heart raced upon waking up and seeing that message. Not long after, we started talking every day. After a week, we hung out. We went to this escape room in Katipunan together with my friend. After failing to solve the escape room, we went to UP Town Center and enjoyed some karaoke at Timezone. My friend approved of him, and I was more than happy that I was finally getting a love life. We chatted and chatted all day long for about a week until he told me that he was migrating to the US. My heart skipped a beat. I was about to cry. “If he’s leaving then what’s the sense of all this? Why?” I thought. “Joke,” he said right after. I can’t believe my world almost shattered upon knowing that this guy, whom I’ve just been talking to for about a week, was going to migrate. This was when I figured out that I was developing some sort of attachment to him. Though he wasn’t migrating, he was going to the US for a vacation with his brother. Even if it was only temporary, it still saddened me a lot that I actually cried. A few days before he left was his birthday. I felt that things were somewhat escalating between us so I thought it was just proper that I gave him something, right? Wrong. I went to this sports outlet store near my school and decided to get him an original Nike T-shirt. I couldn’t get him anything fake because he was rich, and it’d be embarrassing, so I ended up spending over 1,500 for a white T-shirt that had the word “Nike” on it. He was thankful for it, and he did appreciate it, even saying that I didn’t really need to get him something like that. Why I thought it was a mistake, however, was that the next month was my birthday, but he was on vacation in the US at that time. Though I was really expecting something from him when he came back, there was nothing. It saddened me, but I shrugged it off. I didn’t want to ruin his perfect image in my mind, because I truly believed he was this complete teenage dream boy. Trust me, I was so successful in keeping this image of him for about 9 months. We used to see each other weekly, always at the same place, UP Town Center, but only because he lived in Katipunan. We watched movies together, and I even remember when I almost gave him my first kiss, but the word is “almost.” It didn’t happen. I remember being so jealous of all the other girls that he’d mention on Twitter, obsessively stalking these girls to see if I should be insecure about them. At one point, I wanted to make him jealous, too. So, I changed my friend’s name in my contacts to a guy’s name and I had her text me stupid things while I was out with him. It was pathetic, but it worked. I sat beside him while we were out eating with my best friend, and he was looking at my phone. He asked me to whom I was talking to, and i thought it was the cutest thing ever. Prom season came, and of course, I wanted to take him. The expenses were expensive though. It was an extra 2,500 pesos for the date, and I was going to pay for all that. It was a lot, and a part of me knew he didn’t deserve it, but nothing else would have made my night better, so I arranged a “promposal” for him the moment I had already saved up for that prom ticket. As usual, we went out on a Friday night. We watched a movie, and I can even remember what movie it was. It was Logan. But while we were doing that, my best friend arranged an agreement with the baristas at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, and handed the signage I made on a ½ illustration board reading “Marc, Cruz with me to prom?” After watching the movie, I told him that I wanted to get coffee, and that I was going to meet my best friend. We went to the cafe, and as I received my order, the barista loudly spoke, “One prom date for Mayumi,” and she revealed the signage I made while my best friend recorded the whole event. He was shy about it, but he was smiling. I asked him “Marc, Cruz with me to prom?” while laughing and trying not to be so shy about it. He was smiling when he said yes, and then we had our picture taken together. It truly was a memorable night, and I can still feel the butterflies I once had. Though I ended up not going to prom at all, that promposal was worth it. I never thought I’d have the guts to ask a guy out for prom like that in public, but it was something I’d never forget. We didn’t end up together, if you were wondering, because I had strict parents, and he didn’t want that. We stopped talking a month after that promposal. That was also when I realized how petty our whole relationship was, but I could never regret it. It was my first crush, but would I call it love? Probably not, even if we both said our I love you’s. I was caught up in the rush of it all, pushing me to admit feelings I didn’t feel. I first knew it wasn’t love when I truly fell in love but that’s a different story now.