#we got a very long episode from her perspective in everyones past and i STILL want to know more

[wall-e-gorl]

I'm thinking about Clementine again and I cant wait to get her full picture. What is she (is she a gravity wave?? Was she destroyed by a gravity wave? How did she come back??), what is she doing (you want there to be no loss?? Ever??), and hows she doing it (HOW ARE YOU GOING TO "FIX" EVERYTHING CLEM?? Are you a gravity wave and going to just Do It Again are you going to make a gravity wave and believe that you'll be able to control the effects some how?? explain PLEASE)

She a FASCINATING antagonist (?) and I cant wait to see where she goes with all of this

[antianakin]

I hope you don’t mind me asking—but I have GOT to hear your thoughts on the newest Acolyte episode having the line that basically indirectly blames the Jedi for their own genocide. Like—it’s not OUTRIGHT—but it’s still so obviously blatant that’s what the showrunner was winking and nudging at to the SW audience that hates the Jedi. 😭💔🤦‍♀️

It was disgusting, to be honest. 😒

I'm not watching the show, so I just found a post that talked about the line and to be honest, it's no worse than what we've been getting in so much other media these days. The Ahsoka show had Ahsoka condemn the Jedi for "failing" because they wouldn't train literally everyone to wield the Force, indirectly blaming them for what happened to them while directly exonerating Anakin for betraying them and murdering their children by claiming it was just "destiny" and done "for love". The Ahsoka show also had a fallen Jedi character claim he only missed "the idea of" the Jedi, but that the "truth" of them was that they were weak and had no future and that they were just part of an endless cycle of violence that made them not really any different to the Sith. Jedi: Fallen Order has a fallen Jedi character who condemns the Jedi for having been fallen " long before the Purge. Stifled by tradition. Deafened by our past glories." Jedi: Survivor had a fallen High Republic Jedi character condemn the Jedi for allowing the Empire to rise and calls them failures.

So this is so far from the first time the Jedi have gotten blamed for their own genocide recently. It's not even the first time we've heard this kind of condemnation from a High Republic character. Headland stated from the beginning that the whole point of this show was to criticize the Jedi and show the how things "went wrong" in order for them to become the Prequels Jedi, which means it's not at all shocking that there's a pretty explicit implication about the Jedi ultimately being responsible for their own genocide. That's always been her agenda, her ultimate theme and message with this story. Nothing about this is new or unique or shocking at all. It's a little disappointing that this is what Star Wars is becoming, but it's not ALL that Star Wars is becoming.

We still have the Obi-Wan Kenobi show, which made sure to place the blame squarely where it belonged and had a character whose entire motivation was grief over the deaths of the Jedi. We have Visions, which, despite including stories written by almost 20 separate teams from different countries, ALWAYS understands who the good guys and bad guys are in Star Wars and regularly includes stories that resonate with Lucas's actual themes from his films (they're also generally just exquisitely made short stories with some beautiful animation). And we have shows like Andor which mostly just ignores the Jedi entirely because they aren't relevant to Cassian's story and because it's trying to tell the story from a different perspective, but it follows the exact same themes as Lucas's original films did and is a beautiful follow-up to some of the themes that existed with the Prequels Jedi.

And while things like Rebels, Jedi: Fallen Order, and Jedi: Survivor have their moments of Jedi criticism, they're VERY small and the main characters are still Jedi who are incredibly proud of BEING Jedi and have to go through all the same tests that any Jedi would've gone through and they come out the other end as wonderful, selfless, compassionate Jedi. There's themes of having to let go of those you love (whether through death or just relationships drifting apart or people needing to go their own way for a while even if it means leaving you behind), of having to let go of your anger and fear before it consumes you and turns you into the monster you seek to destroy, and of mercy and acceptance and understanding being central to healing the galaxy's wounds. So while these stories aren't 100% Jedi criticism free, they are probably 99% Jedi positive and at most 1% Jedi critical.

So as frustrating as it is that Jedi criticism has become so common that there is an ENTIRE SHOW built around it as a foundation, it's also so so easy to disregard it and ignore it if you want to. The Acolyte is, fortunately, not all that connected to the main storylines. You do not need The Acolyte in order to understand or enjoy a lot of the rest of the story. You can completely ignore The Acolyte and pretend it doesn't exist and it will change NOTHING. Go rewatch The Obi-Wan Kenobi show, or Visions, or Andor and remember how good Star Wars can be when it's written by someone who CARES about the story and the message it was always supposed to send to people.

[paris-in-space]

I need to get the thoughts I’m having about Doctor who out because if they just stay circulating my head I don’t know if I’ll be able to get to sleep it’s been 2 hours and I’m tired but my brain is refusing to shut down.

So, Dot and Bubble spoilers beware. Also these thoughts will be in the order I think of putting them down not in the chronology of the episode.

Weird place to start but one thing I got caught up on was the style of makeup that the majority of finetime characters had, like it was heavy and unflattering but in a way that seemed like maybe they were trying to go for a more natural look. And I’m sure there is something to be taken from this about the way people present themselves online but I’m too tired to do proper analysis it just struck me early on that I didn’t like the makeup. (It did feel fitting though)

I literally went “OH SHES BEING RACIST” out loud at the end. I do admit that although I did notice the weird vibes in Lindy’s responses to the doctor I didn’t pick up the exact meaning until that last scene, but then so many things clicked into place and made sense once I understood that fully. Like when she responded badly to the doctor appearing on the screen a second time I took it as irritation at his persistence, didn’t even think for a second that she didn’t realise it was the same guy.

Lindy deserves to get eaten by a slug.

Ricky September you deserve so much better.

(Not going to lie I didn’t think he was as attractive as everyone was making him out to be no offence to the actor I think it was a case of the weird makeup strikes again)

The lack of human connection is another thing that really stood out. This is the second episode this series to feature the concept of people never being hugged, albeit in different contexts. Just everyone being so focused in on themselves that basic human connection isn’t present in their society is such a sad thought, no wonder it turns out people like Lindy with no value for the lives of others and understanding of cultural differences if she has no meaningful relationships in her life at all. Just. Hug your friends guys (as long as they’re comfortable with it I know some people struggle with being touched)

The Doctor failing is such a rare thing, like of course there are tons of occasions where the Doctor can’t save everyone but they always try and almost always save at least someone. But these people cannot be saved, and it’s not the slugs that they can’t be saved from, it’s themselves. I think the lack of explanation into the detail of what actually was going on ties into this, because this time the Doctor doesn’t get to do a little “Here’s what’s been going down I saved you look how clever I am!” Because even the Doctor, the most caring wonderful being in the universe can’t save people who refuse to change and accept his help just because he’s different. The unfinished downer feeling feels totally intentional. Like, these people suck, the Doctor doesn’t get to experience a conclusive win, so neither do we as the audience.

The fact that this episode took place in the future too, they really said, just because time passes and things look like they’ve developed, societal issues have not disappeared and are still prevalent (I am white just so you know that’s the perspective I’m coming from) I think it’s a much more powerful way to address racism by putting it in a future setting than in the past. It’s very easy with historical settings to look at a piece of media and be like okay so the racism is awful but that is how it was, it’s uncomfortable but we can sort of look around it because everyone was doing it back then. But you put it in the future and you can’t look around it anymore because it should not be happening, should no longer be culturally acceptable. I’m struggling to put into words exactly what I mean, but it’s the difference between oh times were different back then it sucks but that’s how it was and times are not that different there’s still a massive issue to address here we can’t just sweep it under the rug of the past if we actually want things to be fair for everybody. It definitely made me think a lot more than a similar situation in a historical setting probably would have (not that that wouldn’t make me think but this has more impact)

On a more lighthearted note, the Dot flying around reminded me of the baubles from Runaway Bride. This is Doctor Who you cannot escape the floating balls.

Ruby doing the hair tuck seeing Ricky… she’s so real for that.

Overall I really love the concept of everyone so caught up in their own little world that they fail to see the horrors right before them. And it all comes back to the importance of human connection and understanding.

This has got to be the most thought provoking episode in a long time, and I’m sure there’s more thoughts I’ve had that I’ve forgotten to mention here.

[dantedeservedbetter]

I don’t think anyone understands just how much I want origin stories of everyone else in Mystreet like they all have really interesting backgrounds that are just tossed to the side of the main plot points (lol abt to be a really long threat again sorry)

Aaron- Didn’t actually get character lore OR a personality until S3 but like I want MORE because tbh I feel like his parents gave him a lot more trauma than what’s shown in the series, and even the stuff IN the actual seasons (the emotional neglect, his military schooling, the tense relationship w/Melissa etc;) are fixed and shoved off like no he might ACTUALLY need therapy bruh PLEASE

Katelyn- I think she was (?) in therapy in the beginning for her anger issues and the loss of her mother but like it was kind of forgotten about tbh. I think she needs more positive moments in the series honestly bc in the later seasons we’re shown she’s partially abusive towards Travis the first time they went out, and ends up being written off as prejudice towards werewolves bc of past experiences??? Naw the Katelyn I know would never do that. AND HER DREAMS OF WORKING IN THEATRE TOO HELLO??? Also, her mom quite literally used her in the Forever Potion experiments as a child?? I feel like that’s important to her character too :/

The Ro’meave Brothers- I don’t actually know where to start tbh because I feel like ALL THREE of them could use some kind of character depth aside from Dumb Blonde, Emo One, and the Forgotten One. Especially Vylad, probably having to witness this entire Lycan situation grow from an outsiders perspective with no contact from his family in forever. It’s shown that Zane is immensely interested in the family business too like hello??? Garroth himself is kind of just written off as a comedic effect most of the time, but he quite literally has no other goals (possibly because he KNOWS he’s going to inherit the business one day whether he cares to or not).

Laurance- He’s not really a character anymore, but from what we’ve actually SEEN in Mystreet he had enough development to become something outside of a potential love interest for Aphmau. He has a fondness for cooking and was seen to be EXCEPTIONAL at it, and I think he still carried an interest in baseball (or idk it was SOME sport asdfghjk the point is he was good). And he was also shown to still help out his family here and there (babysitting Caleb, his baby brother, in numerous episodes). Idk, I feel like there were so many pieces of Laurance that could’ve been explored and touched upon and we hardly got anything. Also… Garrance. Quite literally hate to be that person but it was literally the biggest piece of queerbaiting I’ve ever seen fr I wish it was explored as much as Aarmau was :( (willing to bet the popularity had something to do with what I call the ‘Heartstopper’ treatment but that’s just me tho)

Nana (KC)- The most under appreciated character in-universe I actually had to go and make a separate post about this LOLOL expect it in like five minutes from now bc I just save everything in my drafts.

Travis- Lol no surprise here but him too dude honestly I have no idea where to start with him atm, his entire family’s lore needs a full in depth analysis on themselves because Aphmau’s series just BARELY touches the surface of Travis’s character

Dante/Gene- Honestly BOTH of them were done so dirty I find it funny how no one ever talks abt it because they’re so beautiful to me. Gene already had his redemption arc so I can kind of see why they just tossed him aside but Dante literally had nothing tbh. He had a messy relationship with KC in PDH and then made that same mistake in LLP. Okay, cool, give us more of that. Let him learn from his mistakes and be self aware now. Or better yet let him grow without tossing love interests into the formula in order for it to happen!! Seems like his family life is pretty good though, worst thing abt him was the peanut allergy.

Lucinda- Queen actually has very little to no background that actually centers around her. We know she had a really bad relationship with Ivan but like I’m pretty sure that’s it.

[trillscienceofficer]

do you have a favourite species design/lore headcanon, something you wish you could see on screen/had been explored more? (worflesbian asking from main 💖)

another very interesting question! I admit I don't have quite the same penchant for worldbuilding that I admire in so many other Trekkies; I'm always thinking 'well I wouldn't want this species to be a monoculture, canon basically never question that assumption and it's boring', but then my pea-sized brain completely seizes up at the prospect of having to come up with an entire world history in order to explain why Trill fashion on DS9 seems to favor square necklines and long tunics heavily, especially for men. But again I digress! (And also, apologies, this got long.)

Of course my first answer is always going to be that I wanted anything about Trill and the joining to be less hand-waved as space magic on an episode by episode basis and more planned out, but even more than that I just would've loved to learn more about Trill as a planet (we don't even know for sure that it is in the Federation at all on TNG/DS9, though it's likely at least Federation-aligned). And I especially would've loved to hear both Jadzia's and Ezri's opinions about anything concerning the Trill homeworld and/or the Symbiosis Commission because I actually think their perspectives would've been pretty unique (and uniquely informed) on the subject.

As I mentioned in the previous ask, Jadzia's reticence in speaking about her family or Trill in general speak volumes to me, and imho indicates that she has a lot mixed feelings about the planet she's from. This also fits well with my idea that, no matter how 'revered' the symbionts are, joined Trills don't really have that much power on Trill and they kind of live at the margins of Trill society, comfortably but still under So Many rules designed to keep them apart from everyone else and especially other joined Trills. I think Jadzia may have realized that that was the case pretty early on, and perhaps found it difficult to articulate that realization to her family or any other Trill that doesn't share her perspective (you can see this a little in the way she and Lenara interact on “Rejoined”, too). And this is not even considering the way the Symbiosis Commission was ready to let her die in order to cover up past mistakes. I really would have loved to see Jadzia being somewhat forced to admit just how horrible that was and how little faith she must have left in the institution that should have cared about her joined existence first.

I think Ezri also would have interesting things to say, as someone who was an 'outsider' to Trill tradition even before becoming Ezri Dax. That plus her penchant for cutting precisely at the heart of the matter (again, that scene with Worf about the Klingon Empire!) I think she would have insightful things to say about Symbiosis Commission politics in general, not having the same stake in maintaining a facade of respect that someone like Jadzia, even as irreverent as she was, still might have had. I'm really very sorry that DS9 didn't bring this side of Ezri more to the fore wrt Trill.

As a last note, given discussions I've been having recently (plus your fic made me think about this even more!), I really wish Voyager had made it clearer that long-term Borg assimilation can't be so easily reversed, and that Seven's implants are prosthetics and treated them as such, rather than little more than aesthetic hints. Of course making them look like actual prosthetics rather than decoration would've been a start, and many artists and writers have done so luckily! But even more than that I would've loved if they'd been more consistently depicted as something that Seven uses because the process of Borg assimilation made her physically disabled. You could argue she already is in canon (the way she has to spend hours in an alcove to 'regenerate' means she is dependent on a machine in order to live), but of course Voyager falls into the trap of making her implants a superpower, which... eh. Of course her implants give Seven a lot of trouble too (her cortical node stopped working and almost killed her, not to mention the time that an interference from a Borg vinculum gave her the Borg equivalent of psychosis) but I really would have loved to see her less as a metaphor for and more as actual disability representation. Imho xB characters in general really skirt the line between metaphor and actual disability, and I wish that had been explored better and with more nuance, especially where Seven is concerned.

[danwhobrowses]

Star Wars Visions: Volume 2 - Review

I am one with the 4th and the 4th is with me, and it's time for Star Wars to return into the experimental animation department for Visions' second season.

I had high opinions of the first season, so the second had a high standard to live up to. But this is what I thought about it

Spoilers for Visions: Volume 2. Watch it first if you don't want to be told major plot points and what my opinion on it is

And again I was left impressed and satisfied. Very glad to see Visions hit a home run once again because there is a lot of meat to bite into of a similar and different variety to the previous season.

As we have for the review of last season we'll start with the negatives to get them out of the way.

What Wasn't Great

No existing story is picked up A small gripe would be that after the great episodes of the first season it was an overall shame that none got a continuation, despite their potential for greater mileage. It's not entirely a bad thing, but it's a shame nonetheless.

The runtime still lacks Before we were looking at 20 minute episodes, but it seems volume 2 has ran down to episodes as short as 10-15 minutes. Which for a fan never feels long enough. While nobody's asking for padding, some episodes could've benefited from a bit more time to flesh out their action or emotional scenes.

Dumb Hopeful Child is Dumb (Twice) Once is passable but twice is worth noting, but the 'In the Stars' and 'Bandits of Golak' storyline both seemed to use the same idea of a force sensitive child's ignorance to how much the empire would hammer down on them, leading to the older sibling to step in. Rani and Tichina may have endearing qualities, but given what the episode tells about their past bereavement at the hands of the empire you'd think them to be at least a little more apprehensive towards using the Force in front of the Empire.

'This Path is only meant for you' (Thrice!) While one side is Jedi x2 and another Sith, there's also a similarity in conclusion in 'Screecher's Reach', 'Aau's Song' and again 'Bandits of Golak' with the young force sensitive having to leave their companions in order to complete training with their master - who in the former and latter is adamant to only take the one child - in search of a better life. In comparison, Daal's tragic story which sees her forced to kill to fall into the dark was more compelling than Rani's previously mentioned naivete stumbling into it, but Aau's tale achieves the opposite side of being hopeful as a counter to Daal's which I'll get more into. But again since Visions is meant to be fresh stories from appraised animation studios, it's a shame that you see duplication: it wouldn't have been too difficult really to tell each other what your story is so there's no overlap.

The Pit's main conflict is easily fixable While 'The Pit' acts well as a well-animated story with a dark turn midway, the whole problem of them being stuck in a hole they have dug felt like it could have been resolved a numeral amount of ways other than 'one will climb out into the imperial controlled city to tell people how the imperial has built this city on prison labor' or just 'chanting in unison so they can hear', I mean they could just build steps out of the bedrock, or just climb out the way Crux did. I also think that the story didn't want to go super dark with the troopers opening fire on the civilians, even though they were okay abandoning people in a pit to die. I dunno it felt rather unambitious at times, taking stories of other media (The Dark Knight Rises) and putting it into Star Wars.

What Was Great

An immediate feast for the eyes Immediately from the episode 'Sith', we are presented with a fresh and stylish level of animation; from the sketchbook-esque world, the flat brush strokes to the classic claymation, everyone's unique take on how the Star Wars world looks offers a new and intriguing perspective. The action is dynamic and fluid too, not to mention the character design for most are unique and themed to their environment.

Aardman understood the assignment At face value 'I Am Your Mother' felt like it'd be little more than a silly story. But its unique charm, blatant references, typical anime antagonist behaviour and its relatable storyline managed to pull off a lighthearted but fun ride.

Journey to the Dark Head! My favourite for this volume has to be the fifth episode, Studio Mir's 'Journey to the Dark Head', I mean fuck yes! A story of multiple plot threads, character development, and stakes, paired with japanese-esque settings, anime visuals and an unnerving villain, not to mention the core theme of balance rather than just light and dark. It's much of what I expect from this series and much like my last favourite 'The Ninth Jedi' it leaves me desiring more.

But also, The Spy Dancer! Second only to this would be the mesmerising Spy Dancer by Studio La Cachette that came right after it. What could've simply been an episode of manipulation underlined by a stunning performance immediately got turned on its head when the imperial ended up being Loi'e's kidnapped and indoctrinated son! Providing a new layer of complexity to the entire second half. A story which could've ended in brutal tragedy was instead given a merciful and hopeful open end. I can't exactly tell you the reasons why it doesn't beat Journey to the Dark Head, it could even be because I saw it first, but these are two stories that go higher and harder than the others in the volume in the similar bar as Ninth Jedi, Village Bride, Lop & Ocho and The Ronin.

Slight Familiarity Although it is unique content, you can see many influences in the episodes from other Star Wars Legends; a Malak-like sith, Gennedy's Clone Wars aesthetic, even an actual Wedge Antilles appearance, the familiarity does usher an easier immersion into the story.

It didn't end on a bummer like last time One of my biggest critiques of season 1 was that the season ended on a sore and bitter note with 'Akakiri', but this season seemed to remedy that with the ethereal-like story of Triggerfish's 'Aau's Song'. Immediately drawn in on premise, Aau achieves where Rani and Tichina struggled in being curious but aware, and also using her powers when necessary rather than forcing another to step in. While Aau also leaves her companions behind, her choice appears a lot more soft than Daal and Rani's 'leave or continue to suffer in this poor existence', and her departure feels more hopeful than bittersweet.

Definitely more stories to expand upon While we didn't pick up anything from Season 1 (yet), Season 2 has offered even more great story paths to look into; I do feel like each episode provided enough to be explored further and most would be captivating enough to be commissioned into full series if given the chance.

Conclusion

It was another good showing from Visions to show the newer and creative avenues the Star Wars universe can take under the helm of various animation styles and creative minds. With episodes tailored to different audiences too, there is a widespread appeal. If I were to rank them from best to worst in my opinion it would be:

Journey to the Dark Head, The Spy Dancer, The Sith, I Am Your Mother, Aau's Song, In the Stars, Screecher's Reach, The Pit, The Bandits of Golak

I'd say Bandits is probably the one I liked the least because In the Stars and Screecher's Reach/Aau's Song had the same plot elements done better, in spite of its unique arabic culture aesthetic and inquisitor villain. The Pit's lack of ambition also harmed it, but the rest were all very strong stories. It's actually a very good sign how much I had to toil between where to rank the third to fifth spots, with Aau's Song and I Am Your Mother surprising me on their quality, Screecher's Reach is great too with its tragedy but I do like positive stories over 'trauma be upon thee'. But yeah I think I'll gush a long time over Dark Head and Spy Dancer, that's some premium gourmet star wars there.

Bring on a Volume 3.

[discotreque]

hey amy.txt, i just watched the finale of lower decks. if you feel like it, would you share your thoughts on it? the action was great and the payoff of a whole season of little bits of foreshadowing very satisfying but Mariner forgiving everyone so easily felt a bit iffy to me. also... oh jennifer. i liked you. you feel like there's any future to their relationship?

Aw, thanks! I'm flattered that you want my opinion! Short answer: I basically agree with you. Long answer: well, it's been a while since I talked about this show...

I really enjoyed Season 3. I even liked that I didn't like the Peanut Hamper episode, because it was a truly authentic Weird Bad And Slightly Too Horny Episode Of Star Trek, and those are part of the experience whether we want to admit it or not.

And I certainly didn't dislike the finale—as you said, some supremely satisfying payoffs in there. I especially felt like the climax was a beautiful and crystal-clear execution of Mike McMahan's own personal vision of Star Trek: a bunch of smart people who like each other, solving hard problems together for the greater good (plus jokes). I think they're 3 for 3 in absolutely slamming it home.

Now here comes my great big but, lmao. The S3 finale was also the first episode of this show that felt too ambitious for a half-hour. Dare I say "overstuffed." They had so many things to pay off and so many threads to pull together, and while I think they did a good enough job... again, as you said, some of it felt pretty rushed.

I personally didn't have a problem accepting how quickly Mariner forgave everyone, because I was satisfied (...enough) with the explanation: she had a pattern of impulsive, destructive behaviour for a long time, and while she's turned over a new leaf, she recognizes it was recently enough that she still has trust to rebuild, and she's grown enough to look past her hurt feelings and commit to reconciling with the people who are most important to her—who, importantly, all just almost died, which tends to put things in perspective.

But that explanation I just wrote is three or four times more detailed than what's actually in the script, and what's there goes by very fast. (And, to be fair, efficiently! It's not bad writing by any means.) Especially compared to how long Episode 9 made us sit in the awful stomachache of everyone wrongly judging her... yeah. It doesn't feel balanced, emotionally, does it?

As for Jennifer... idk, I never got that attached. I heard an interview with Mike McMahan right after S2 in which he said (in so many words) that Lower Decks isn't a show about romance, it's about Mariner's personal growth and her friendships, and Jennifer's role in the story would mainly serve those purposes—and he said it with a real "yeahhh, don't get your hopes up" tone, lol, so what we got is about what I was expecting. (I also pretty much stopped caring about Jennifer as soon as Petra Aberdeen showed up, but that's just me being a shallow lesbian, ahem.)

I guess if Lower Decks has a "problem," it's that it's a very good Star Trek series, and a pretty good sitcom, and when it drifts too far away from the latter and towards the former, it's bound to collide with the strictures of TV animation, where 30 extra seconds in your episode adds an actual million dollars to the budget, minimum.

Now, it's not like CBS isn't shovelling more and more money at this show every year. A whole season of hour-longs is never gonna happen—so they'd better git gud about colouring inside those lines—but adding an 11th "episode" to the order, for a double-length season finale? Purely wishful thinking on my part, sure, but weirder things have happened in TV.

So yeah. No major complaints from me, but they definitely need to get this under control:

Thanks again for asking! This was fun!

[something-tofightfor]

tlou anon from last night:

answering under a cut! 

We definitely seem to disagree on a lot of things, and I think that that’s one of the most interesting and exciting parts of watching or consuming any form of media. 

Everyone’s going to take something a little different away from it, and people will always look at it from varied perspectives. 

I think we all expect something (or a lot of things) from the content we consume especially when it’s content based on something we know well and already love. 

I would argue that Ellie lost her innocence at the Lakeside Resort, didn’t actively act on it until after she lost Joel. Sure, she killed David - but that wasn’t violence for the sake of violence nor was it thought out and planned; it was “in the moment, him or me.” Still violent, but very different than the violence that we see from her in Pt 2. 

Show Ellie doesn’t really seem like she likes violence, just that she appreciates the effectiveness of it and hopes to someday be as capable and confident with weapons as Joel. I think we’re going to learn a lot more about why she behaves the way she does during the Left Behind episode. 

I’d also argue that the level of violence and the things they do in the game are unchallenged, too. Joel and Ellie kill a TON more people in the game than in the show, and there’s really no repercussions for that until Joel’s accident in the University, and then Abby’s group finding them in pt 2.

I think that they’re (both in the show and in the game) trying to make the point that for most people, violence is just another part of life, and there really aren’t people left to challenge others (outside of QZs and places like Jackson anyway). If you’re not good at it, or willing to be violent, you won’t survive long. 

I don’t know much about Druckmann or his politics, so I can’t really comment on that, but I do believe that even though he had some input on this, Mazin had more of a final say on everything so there was definitely some push and pull on what was included and how. 

From what was leaked while filming was going on, there seems to be a ton that was cut and changed, especially in the Sam/Henry segments, and even in the first two (first) episode. That makes me think that there was probably a lot more that we also didn’t get to see that might have gone deeper into these questions and changes, but for whatever reason, they eliminated them. 

I don’t know that I’d say the show is being simplified - I definitely think that it’s easier for a TV audience to see the characters and their emotional changes and challenges - specifically Joel, and hopefully soon with Ellie when we get inside her head for longer than we have so far. 

I also actually really like that they aren’t leaving as many things open to interpretation as they did in the game. By telling and showing us what we’re supposed to think and feel here, Mazin is saying “this is what I want you to take out of this episode and what you should be focusing on, instead of making fifteen different potential conclusions from this one thing”. 

I hate to say it, but the average viewer wants to be entertained, and not delve too deeply into the backstory and background the way gaming (or even comic book) fans do. 

I’m surprised that you don’t think the show looks good - I have yet to be upset by anything that I’ve seen in terms of set design or lighting (I think the way they’re using lights and individual item symbolism across episodes is really smart), and I think that it looks really high budget. I got so used to shitty Netflix adaptations and CGI and what they consider quality over there that this feels like winning the lottery - but even as a standalone show, it���s fantastic IMO. 

I especially appreciate that even the dark-lit scenes aren’t overly dark, and there’s no question about what’s going on in them, which has been a huge issue for HBO in the past. The costumes are very fitting, the prosthetic and practical effects have looked fantastic, and the score has been spot on throughout the first five episodes, too. 

I’m really sorry that you’ve felt let down by the first five episodes, and if you continue to watch, I hope that you find something redeeming about the last four! 

[ambitionsource]

and on that note i am officially caught up !! oh man this past season has been a wild wild wild ride and i am very glad i gave myself the time to process that...and also that i've caught up to an episode where many major storylines have been tied up (i think if i had been witnessing, in dread, the first semester nigel fiasco™ i would have never recovered properly)— just working of 408 by the way, since i just finished it minutes ago, that was sosososo much fun. i love the call back to season 3 (?) and the reunification of unsung heroes lucas and charlie doing another high level crack down and the ending of that was so satisfying!! like when lucas dropped that cold line on graham after watching the mfer throw a tantrum oh my god i actually cheered out loud. and don't think we don't see the posturing with that tiny gofundme reference....i see the setup and i'm very, very excited for what's to come.

i'm gonna have to track back now to some of my fave tidbits from the season so far since i really went full steam ahead trying to finish it once i got started on catching up. i think the thanksgiving episode was one of my favorites, i'll admit. we got to see the culmination of the anya storyline with jade and the nigel fiasco ™ being addressed, maya and josh reaching an uneasy truce, etc etc probably a dozen more amazing things i'm forgetting off the top of my head. i also loved seeing the resolution of the roommate situation too and that both isa and lucas were able to walk away acknowledging that it wasn't really a specific fault of either of them but just...not being compatible in that way! there's just a line of maturity there between them that we wouldn't have seen in the past seasons and i'm just sososososo happy we get to flex those muscles for them. also isa and farkle...right person wrong time trope....you guys are sick for that.

i'm also very glad 408 ends with a Lot of optimism for (most of) our main cast too...yindra maya jade bonding!! jade being appreciated!! yindra giving it her best shot!! yindra jade roomies!! maya ep!! farkle....he's on his way! charlie lucas roommates!! jack winning!! nigel looking at those unis in the uk!! josh maya understanding!! again like a mentioned a lot of long building storylines that haven't exactly ended, per say, but have at least reached a point where they're still being actively developed.

this is getting very very long and i have many more thoughts that i know i'm neglecting but i want to just highlight lucas' gift performance for riley during christmas— i just saw immediate parallels to season 1 rl with the two of them on the steps and i had to pause and take a deep breath because w o w i used to dream of times like this...seeing the two of them happy and domestic and very very secure in their relationship!! you guys promised us multiple times they would get here!! i know!! it just sorta occurred to me right then (even though that's the least of happy rl we've seen this season) that we really made it that far!! and also put into perspective for me how much you guys have really been able to develop ambition since then— i've been following along since the og pilot dropped when the idea of a josh matthews was a crazy, far off plot line being teased for post-graduation and NOW HE'S A REGULAR!!!! i'm just really really overjoyed at seeing that everything is coming into play and you guys have been able to execute on these plans you've had in your back pocket for so long. please know that all praise is deserved and i wish i could put it in words how amazing i think y'all are doing, but suffice to say i'm not as good with them as you two are. can't wait for what comes next!!

p.s. the dinner sequence in the new years episode went crazy hard and i loved seeing everything get put to light, but more so the intercut of riley telling everyone dylan and asher were moving in together and everyone pausing like "?" before going back to tearing each other to shreds. comedic genius.

p.p.s. TECHIE GANGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! DYLAN AND ASHER ASHER AND DYLAN DYLAN AND ASHER ASHER AND DYLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE MISSED THEM SO MUCH YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!!! also i love the tidbits we get on how successful dylan's channel really is and also the fact that he lowkey has a cult behind his back in the best way possible....only the best for the best. i missed them dearly

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOU TWO DO AND I'M SORRY ABOUT DUMPING IN THE ASK BOX ALL OF A SUDDEN I HAD A LOT OF EMOTIONS AFTER THAT LAST EPISODE !!! good luck with the next set of episode and all that jazz !! i just know they're gonna be as amazing as all the rest have been :D

wowowowowow. this is such an incredible message, thank you so much for sending it!!!! we're so happy you enjoyed the journey thus far and that you've been able to catch up in your own time and way. also to hear that you're also one of my og og readers... that's so great omg. we really have no idea how long people have been reading for / following the journey unless they outright tell us so every time we learn people really have been walking this trail with us for 4 years (CAN YOU BELIEVE?), it's truly unreal. thank you thank you thank you 💕

and there's so much awesome in this comment i don't even know where to begin haha, though i think i'll let most of it speak for itself. it's a lot to try and put into words when you binge s4 thus far (which, you must be superhuman bc... these eps are long af lol. you did that!!)

but please NEVERRRR apologize for dumping in our ask box!! we love it, and interaction is always more than welcome. (we also are still working on putting together a discord server for the show that will POTENTIALLY hopefully be live very very soon... if that is of interest to anyone to connect with fellow warriors... just putting that out there 🤪)

again, thank you SO much for reading, and i hope you continue to love the ride!! 409 is just around the corner!

-- Maggie

[chocolatemilksmoothie]

Hollow Mind

Holy shit hooooly shit holyshit oh damn. Let's do this. god this will be long

This episode is proof that just because something was fairly predictable, it doesn't mean it'll be bad. It means the story did its job. Execution is what matters and boy was this intense

I was worried how much time we'd spend in setting up this crazy situation but it literally starts with it lmao nice

love how they went *RECORD SCRATCH* you're probably wondering how I got in this mess

Gotta say however I'm surprised they didn't just show that the 3 hooded figures were Darius, Raine and Eberwolf. Like, it's pretty obvious ahaha I expected them to just show their faces at the very end but oh well

Imagine if they'd actually gone inside his mind with no interruptions tho, would they have gathered information or also attempt to destroy something?

I hope we manage to fix Luz's cape btw

the use of cute bunny walkie talkies to keep a connection to them was fun, I was wondering how they were gonna get out

interesting contrast between people gasping like "don't let the titan hear you" vs in the past when they were like "wdym he talks to the titan, the titan is dead?"

and she cares so much about how people treat Eda. I love her

wise words from King, and as soon as I heard them I was like ah I know a certain blonde kid who matches that description

also fits how affected he was back in Echoes of the Past. it's not easy to have your whole perspective change in an instant

hearing the whole propaganda of Belos is keeping us safe from ourselves :) and the contrast of him lying and controlling is so so creepy ahh

"I'm the youngest scout to become Golgen Guard" "I never found out what happened to the previous one" "why does Darius look so sad here?" triple hit combo of pure FEAR

knowing what we know, Darius was close to the previous GG, and called him his mentor and a powerful witch. since we were told all the grimwalkers look the same, while not identical, I assume Darius knows what Hunter is and is horrified at Belos

were some of the grimwalkers able to do magic I wonder?

Every. Single. One of them. has betrayed him. the previous one did too and told Darius. and the very first one also did

I had a hunch the brother was much more like Luz (and the Hunter we know now), someone curious and caring who loves magic, who wants to learn about it and isn't ok with hurting people. Someone who trusts maybe a little too much, but someone who will eventually decide to fight against his own family for what's right

goddd I haven't even reached the pictures yet

OBSESSED with Belos characterization. he has this fake, cold hallway with epic paintings of his "success" even inside his own fucking mind. he has this little kid guide them around to lure them into a trap, to toy with them and to scare and confuse them, and to help himself get rid of a problem

I love how they introduce the possibility that there is some guilt, some regret, some innocence? within him? only to say no, Belos is just a frighteningly good manipulator. always has been

his hand is shaking Imma kick Belos into the Boiling Sea myself

splat

Addressing all the paintings with the brother in one go:

it looks like he was older. I bet he was protective

I feel we 100% must get another flashback later on we NEED it

I thought there was the smallest, tiiiiiniest chance the first brother had been killed in an accident. I don't anymore

from Yesterday's Lie we know the two were taken to the isles by a witch, and I wonder if while the brother loved it, wanted to belong, maybe learned to carve a palisman from a Clawthorne ancestor who knows wink wink Philip hated it, hated how much more powerful witches were compared to him, he felt threatened

there's one painting where the brother's body looks like it's posed similar to the Titan and I DO NOT LIKE IT

Hunter loves Flapjack so so so much and I am still scared Belos will hurt that little bird just to hurt the kid

Hunter: "I love you over and out"

Eda, King, me, everyone: AWWWWW

as soon as I saw that Eda and the rest were preparing the spell in the Owl House I was like oh good this means both of them will appear there! and then after I sec I was like.... hopefully

Hooty is iconic. best bird owl tube house him!

Darius turns around and decides to help the SECOND he realizes Hunter is in there too. He knows he might get trapped there for good but he also knows what he might see...

Belos has always treated the Golden Guards like dirt, seems like he's so bitter towards the original yet he keeps creating more. the fact the brother was older and now the guards are always younger and younger as he keeps aging, always working under him...

this expression perfectly encapsulates my feelings for that whole scene as well

there's a painting for Lily and Luz meeting Philip!!! wild

I ADORE the Collector's design and wild personality, not what I expected. super curious about their motives and why are they seemingly trapped in that state. What even are they. Maybe an accidental curse. or maybe cursed by someone else, not so accidentally

either, way, seems we might meet them at the Day of Unity. hooray??

god, this poor kid having to find out in such a way... the way Belos talks about him as an object, as replaceable. brutal

this is absolutely horrifying. a hallway full of all the "failed attempts" before you

those poor consumed palismen, fused together into a grotesque monster stuck inside a real monster's mind. yikes

"out of all the grimwalkers, you looked the most like him" old man I will end you

the Witch Hunter thing. is so so cruel. A witch hunter pretending to be a witch savior, creates the grimwalkers and names them Hunter while convincing them they're helping the witches! that is some twisted joke

I wonder if the brother's name was Hunter or something else

LUZ IS SO BRAVE SO COOL SO KIND SO BADASS SO SMART

I wanna point out Luz had no reason to connect Belos to Philip. before or after she found out he was a jerk, he was still a human. a human who lived in the Isles, built the door and for all she knows left back to Earth and died centuries ago

of course the only way through Hooty is romantic drama

they used all the titan blood. all of it

gotta point out that Luz keeping the jacket and it actually being relevant to saving Hunter makes me emotional

HE USED GLYPHS

I noticed since they've first met, Hunter calls Luz "human" but at last he shouts "LUZ!" I'm not crying you're crying

kid was freaking out and ran away... at least his palisman is with him!

and now Luz has learned A LOT but it is concerning how Belos just. let them. I guess he did assume they wouldn't escape but he was still pretty calm. scary stuff

Ok like I said this was A LOT of info so this is long and I didn't even talk about everything but I wanna speculate a lil bit about next week's episode under the cut ;)

Ok, next week we get King focus and I feel it'll be a big one as well! from the promos there aren't a lot of shots left that could be from that one but there is this one I assume will be from it

seems like Luz and Hooty will be accompanying King but not Eda

So I am wondering where will Hunter go? I think there's a chance we don't find out til later, he could be by himself with Flapjack, or Darius could've seen him run out and went after him. But I would be totally down for a B plot of Eda looking for him. It's not super likely but she did seem concerned so I thought I'd mention it! see ya next week

[cyelatm]

Hi everyone. I've spent the past few months struggling to decide if this is even worthwhile to say, and after a lot of thought I've come to the conclusion that I need to talk about this, both for my own peace of mind and because it's the truth, and telling the truth is the right thing to do. At the end of last year, as a result of massive public pressure as well as manipulative behavior from my ex, I confessed to abuse that I did not enact on my former partner, who did guest comics for cyelatm while I recovered from burnout. I was accused of offering to split my Patreon earnings with her, then suddenly and without warning withdrawing that source of income. We never discussed or agreed to sharing the Patreon money, and this was never a source of income my ex was dependent on. I'm including screenshots of some discord conversations to provide more context for our collaboration.

We were already romantically involved when my ex partner offered to help out with my daily comics, and she expressed understanding that splitting my Patreon income between the two of us wasn't feasible for me because I was already making very little. She reaffirmed this understanding when I asked to take the comic over full time again. Here is a tumblr ask she responded to shortly after the collaboration ended where she describes the situation exactly as I understood it to be, right up until her callout.

My ex implied that I exploited her sexually because I controlled her housing situation and could kick her out at any time. This is also untrue. My ex had legal protection under our lease, which I made sure she was on. We both contributed to monthly living expenses, and as I mentioned earlier, I made very little money from cyelatm and had no financial power to exert over her. I was making about as much as the average McDonald's cashier. We continued the exact same relationship we had established before and during our creative collaboration. If my ex had become less comfortable with our relationship after the collaboration ended, this was never discussed. She then accused me of kicking her out of the apartment without warning. This isn't true. I tried, as amicably as possible, to end our relationship, which had been steadily worsening since we had originally moved in together. I wanted to remain friends and offered to keep living together. My ex declined. This was followed by an episode of verbal abuse that caused me to leave the apartment shortly after. I never once returned to the apartment. She lived there until the lease ran out in April - here are her very own tweets detailing her move & even elaborating that she wasn't even being kicked out.

It has taken me a long time to process, but throughout most of our relationship, my ex would undermine and devalue me on a regular basis. She treated me like an annoyance whenever I was in common areas of the apartment, got into stormy, unpredictable moods and would suicide bait me which we'd discussed multiple times is a huge trigger for me. I had been worn down over several months, so her claims that the dissolution of our relationship had been all my fault and that I'm a horrible disgusting person were claims I readily took the blame for. I deeply regret doing this. I should have stood up for myself and told the truth as soon as all of this was put out there, but I didn't have the perspective or emotional fortitude to do that at the time. I was afforded no time to think about what I was being accused of or how to respond as immediate explanations and apologies were demanded of me. After several months of reflection, as well as conversations I've had with people who were similarly mistreated by my ex, I feel that I have a better grasp on what happened here. I still have no interest in becoming a "public figure”, and for my own health I'm committed to limiting my emotional investment in the internet. I am still striving to be a better, healthier person than I was before. However, I cannot sit on this information any longer as it's causing me a lot of inner turmoil and I don't think I can move on without talking about it. If you've read all of this, thank you.

[borkthemork]

The Wu Whereabouts Theory

Now that people are getting hyped for the month countdown toward Amphibia Season Three’s release, I am going to be talking about a theory my friend and I talked about over the past few months, and it’s time to buckle up because we’re going to be tackling this theory from a production, character design, and semantics perspective.

And why these specific factors? Because the theory revolves around these three characters.

And why I believe all of them are related in some way.

Now, you might ask yourself: Bork, how in the hell are these characters related? The old woman character doesn’t seem to have any semblance of features relating to Marcy. What about the dad, are you going to explain the dad? Are you pulling my leg?

And to that, we’re going to have to start small. I’ll first explain why the character on the right seems to be an important character to the story, how all these characters can be connected through deliberate design/semblance, and then I am going to hit it out of the park with the probability from a logical perspective with what the intro and past Marcy interactions seem to give us on why everyone is where they’re currently at.

Especially where Marcy’s father is currently located.

This theory is very, and I mean, very long, so hang on to your seats as we dive into my thoughts about where Season Three might lead us.

And credit goes to @CynDavilaChase on Twitter because she made me realize the probability of this theory in the first place.

And with that, let us begin!

Section One - Who’s This Woman?

With animated introductions, I think one of the big things I noticed with Amphibia Season Three’s intro is that it’s heavily serialized. Compared to Amphibia’s introduction with Seasons One and Two, there are a lot of animated scenes found in the sequence where the story is already being told in a narrative.

You get shots of Anne being introduced to her house, you get new important characters introduced in a lot, there appears to be insight into future events such as Anne getting a moped while being chased by government agents or the massive monkey robot chasing her through the alleyways.

A lot of the intro is prioritized over its serialized format, and that means the characters seen and animated in the foreground have to be important characters or else the studio is basically wasting time focusing on a background character that will never be seen again.

Of course, you get some sliding shots like with the construction workers or the beach scene with the beach-goers but that’s only for a second and they’re not truly the forefront.

But during the shots between 0:29 and 0:49, the sequences we see include a lot of what appears to be important scenes with important characters that will play some role in the story itself.

There are no parts in the sequence where background characters are put in the foreground. Each bit of the animation needs to count, it needs to tell a story of what’s to come and what the audience can anticipate to see.

Now that begs the question:

Why is a supposed random background character in the foreground?

We got some reason as to why the engineer lady looks important since she was in a shot full of important or supporting characters, but why her??

Sure, one could argue this shot could just be indicative of Andrias’s invasion, but there are numerous other ways to show that there’s an invasion without putting too much animation effort on one background character, especially from a composition perspective.

Pardon the messiness, I had to do this quick, but look at how all three ladies are lined up.

The far left grandma, when following from her head to the the front lady’s creates a line that not only creates a sense of direction for our eyes to follow but follows the more significant and foreground character of all three. Look at how the dragonflies occupy most of the top of the frame while the two older women stay in the marketplace’s form, and how this leaves the younger woman to be abruptly placed in the open — creating a visual that this character in particular is more important than the rest in the shot.

Check the way the characters move their eyes when the scene happens too: the background characters quickly look to the right, then the woman out in the open then directs her eyesight to the skyline, where all the dragonflies are flitting by.

Now, I’m not a storyboard artist or composer, I could be wrong on how the crew created this scene all together, but regardless it is still so odd to put emphasis on a background character in the front and then just leave it at that.

She has to be important in some way, and this is where I want to talk about character design.

Section Two - All Related or Am I Just Racist?

When it comes to character design we need to talk about how the character designers make sure to give Anne some form of semblance to her parents, and in this case, she looks a lot like her mother.

They got the bushy hair, the same skin tone, eyebrows, etc. And with her dad you could even see that Anne got her fluffy bangs from him specifically. Only one shared genetic trait, however.

This is deliberate, we know that for sure, and that is why I need to make this very clear as we transition to the similarities found in Marcy and the theorized characters, and why I believe they’re related in design. Mainly because the concept of race and appearance could be quite a debacle and I wanted to make sure that all of you know I am not assuming things out of naivety, and if I am, feel free to get my ass.

Other than that, let’s look at them again.

And here I shall compile the appearance stuff that each character seems to have.

With these three characters they seem to connect to one another with one genetic trait, but if one looks closely, there comes the question of the older lady (who I will just call Marcy’s mom at this point) and why she’s vastly different to Marcy when it comes to skin tone, hair color, and hell — if we look between Marcy and the engineer — why these two characters have vastly different hairstyles compared to the woman.

Even though I could give speculation and some doubt to the engineer and Marcy’s mom being related, and on first glance I couldn’t do the same with Marcy and her mom either, but then I did some digging and realized something. I can connect Marcy and her potential mom in one way — hair design.

Marcy and her mom both share the same poofy hair, it’s just that one is more short and the other is allowed to grow out in a nice little nest.

Don’t believe me?

They got the same floofy bangs with that specific hair line.

And when Marcy was little, Marcy appeared to need a hair tie because her hair was growing out, and it looked like this.

If we consider that what Marcy’s hair tie is holding up might be her bangs — bangs that might cover her eyesight from how floofy it is — then if you removed the hair tie then she and the woman would have a very similar looking design hair-wise.

Even with these hair similarities, however, there is still inquiry as to why Marcy is vastly different compared to her mother when it comes to skin and hair color, and here is where I go into some speculation to piece all of it together:

Marcy actually carries the appearance of her dad more than her mom.

Her dad has olive skin and black, straight hair, while her mother harbors tan skin and floofy, brown hair.

It’s this one piece of speculation that basically slides everything into place, but regardless it’s still speculation and one that I cannot confirm or even argue much about due to the nature of genetics and the limited info we have. But with this piece set in place, we could start to create the argument that maybe, just maybe, these characters are related.

But if they are, why do we only see Marcy’s mom and her supposed sister and not her dad?

Why do we get no indication of Marcy having a sister until Season Three?

How do we put all of this together?

Section Three - Distance and Finance

I rewatched True Colors numerous times when it came to understanding and interpreting what I could with the limited Marcy-centric flashback we had. I even went through episodes such as Maddie and Marcy, New Wartwood, and a lot of other episodes just to fit everything into place. And I think I have a good indication as to why this family is the way that it is.

First off, we’re going to be talking about Marcy’s dad and his new job out of state.

California is a very expensive state. And as someone who lives in California, the housing crisis and the ability to even stay in a house/dorm without sweating over the idea of being bankrupt is a very real thing.

So it is a curious thing that one of the reasons that the Wus had to leave came out to moving out-of-state due to a new job offer, one that infers a lot more money and probably a more stable living environment.

You could even hear the dad saying “Marcy, you have to understand!” when Marcy runs out, meaning that there’s probably a good reason as to why the parents believe that the move is essential, and I am banking on the idea of money for a number of reasons.

One, living in Los Angeles is expensive as hell.

Two, the coping mechanisms Marcy has makes sense if finance is the main comeuppance.

Three, the background art.

And four, why this girl has straight A’s and a PSAT book.

We already covered number one, but let’s take a look at what I mean about coping mechanisms.

Marcy Wu’s many flaws come from what looks to be the fear of being alone, and the fear of being seen as unvaluable and worthless; that if Marcy doesn’t prove herself lovable and essential to the people around her then she gets anxious and will do anything in her powers to make the people around her like her or stay with her.

She will omit information, move along objectives through passive and indirect persuasion, allow people to assert their will over her because they said so and, most importantly, does all of this because she fears the consequences when she gets outed or rocks the boat. Because rocking the boat means people will get mad at her, and she appears to try to avoid that situation of vulnerability like the plague until it all culminated into True Colors.

She is terrified of getting hurt. She is terrified, specifically, of consequences — punishment through stress, frustration, the people she loves looking at her differently because of the mistakes she’s made, etc.

Why do I say this? It’s because if we look into Marcy Wu with her pre-Amphibia self, a lot of these fears could be placed into that middle school scenario very well. Marcy Wu plays videogames and loves fiction because it is a form of escapism or happiness away from stress; she has this intense curiosity to basically anything of interest and uses that to thrive with getting straight A’s and an overall very solid record, but there’s still a probability that high expectations or making the people around her love her comes through said status of being the smart one (after all, she prides on her intellect, and sees it as essential to basically surviving the day to day).

Look at Marcy’s flashback in True Colors. She’s a middle schooler but is studying for the PSAT, which is mainly held in High School, and I’m no expert but I don’t think you read that stuff for fun or at least study it that early.

And I find it interesting that that’s the first shot we get of Marcy before we dive into her parents’ argument — education, studying, the expectation of high scores.

And then when you remember that Marcy is the least athletic of the girls, the thrift shop’s street she retreats to away from her parents is not that faraway from her neighborhood.

And this street, is messy as all hell. And with the revised background art for this area, nothing about the place changes but instead gets emphasized through more shots of how rundown it all looks!

The fact there’s a bail bonds building behind Mar-mar also doesn’t reassure me in the slightest.

So here’s where we are: Studying, getting good grades, a serious financial situation, lives near a rundown section of the city, high expectations, and the evaluation of one’s worth through intellect and academia.

What we are witnessing is a nuanced family situation. If we go by the assumption that the three girls’ lives are not only vastly different in personality but upbringing, then on an income scale, Anne would be middle income, Sasha would be high income, and Marcy is low income.

Her family’s struggling to be stable in a city that they can’t afford to live in, there’s a very high emphasis on good grades and education in the household, and the situation is so bad that her dad would take the proposal of a higher-paying job out of state than finding a similar job out in the city.

However, in this household’s struggle to have a better life, the parents had to focus on their children getting better living than them, and this means Marcy had to live in an environment where the biggest source of reward and praise is through intellect, academics, the approval of the parents.

And I could probably assume that this focus on finance also lead to very rough patches where Marcy was unable to be encouraged over stuff she loves like C&C or videogames, since the level of attention is low compared to the amount of happiness and pride her parents get when she gets an A+.

Especially when we consider that in the dialogue we hear from Mr. and Mrs. Wu, her dad is more assertive while her mom appears to care but doesn’t seem to go against her husband’s tone, so a lot of the probable issues might’ve come from Marcy wanting her dad’s approval and her mother never standing up for her when he became frustrated.

That would make a lot of context with Andrias even worse in retrospect, because that means the moment a male adult figure decided to care about her and give attention to what she loved, then Marcy fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

And could you blame her?

Now, let’s finally get a glimpse on one other character I’ve been neglecting in this essay.

This gal! Because if Marcy and her are somehow related, then we need to question why she was never mentioned or why she wasn’t involved in the conversation between Marcy and her parents.

I’ve done a massive theory post about this already, but the biggest probability comes in the design itself, since if Marcy’s sister went through trade school to be a mechanic/engineer then there’s a high probability she’s in her mid-Twenties. And if we consider that Marcy is 13, then Marcy would’ve been born when her sister was 12 or 13, and ultimately leave the household when she turned 18.

This means Marcy would’ve gone on with less contact from her sister for 6 years, and that’s a lot for a developing child.

It’s not improbable for Marcy to have lost contact with her big sister, or at least had lesser time to meet up with her due to work, college, or her own adult life now that she’s out of the house.

After all, in Maddie and Marcy, I find it very interesting that out of the advice Marcy could’ve given to Maddie about siblings, Marcy tells her that even though Maddie is the older sibling and is allowed to have her own life she suggests that maybe she should make some time for her sisters occasionally. Almost as if this was a ditto moment for her, that she understands but also had a good example of a sister who made time whenever she had the chance.

On more speculation terms, it would be cute to think that the reason Marcy has so much fire and spirit toward her fiction and love for games is because of her sister. After all, Marcy harbors the same interest toward engineering and robotics, it wouldn’t be a stretch in the imagination that perhaps her sister encouraged her to keep on going with what she felt passionate for regardless of their parents’ lack of response, to basically be unapologetic of what she loves, and this mantra kept her going for a lot of her life even when her sis went for trade school.

But let’s go on a side note here. I find it quite interesting that the character design of Marcy’s sis is also very telling, because not only does it tell a supposed story about who she was in the aftermath of graduation, but we could find a way to also put the theme of income and finance into her story as well.

Let’s be real these two are partners in all the way — from mechanics to engineers to straight up girlfriends, these two basically have their own business going on and I find it interesting that none of them just go with robotics or mechanics as a full-time thing, it’s mainly two jobs rolled up into one.

Why is that? There is some speculation that maybe they’re specialists and work in a very science-related area, but it seems highly likely that their main jobs are being car mechanics by day and robotic expert nerds by night. After all, the city can be hecked with money so I wouldn’t be surprised if they did two jobs at once to keep the lights on. I could also see them doing freelancing to repair or experiment with engineering projects since they take more money than actually makes in most cases.

Overall, money plays a big part with the family, and culminates to what I like to call a Massive Shitfest TM when they get alerted over the girls’ disappearances.

Section Four - Massive Shitfest Boogaloo and Where They Are Now~

In the aftermath of their teleport to Amphibia, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Wus had a big argument over Marcy and what should be done in the aftermath. Really, the family still needs to take that job because of finance, people are blaming each other over who pushed her to the brink, and then you have Marcy’s sister — who was probably out of the loop but probably knows how it was in the household — getting added into the mess of what just happened and adding her grief into the mix.

It is a blunder, terrifying and could break apart a family if I’m being honest. but what comes through is this:

People have now become stubborn in the Wu household, and no one is going to back down.

And what I mean is that Mrs. Wu, devastated by what happened ever since the argument in True Colors, will stay in Los Angeles out of grief and a supposed hope that Marcy would return. While Mr. Wu, determined to keep the finance going and keeping everyone stable and safe, abides by Mrs. Wu and decides to go out of state regardless, bringing back a flow of money to keep the Wu household stable through the aftermath.

It would make sense as to why Marcy’s mom is present in the intro but not any suspecting candidates for the dad.

Or how we see that there’s two older ladies with her in the intro. They might actually be close relatives who moved into the household out of the obligation to comfort Mrs. Wu but to also keep her company throughout this dark time in her life.

After all, when one loses a child, a lot of prior relations start to unravel as the status quo changes, and we are definitely going to see Anne confront the Wus and Waybrights when it comes to upbringing and home life.

But really, it is all up in the air. With Season Three around the corner, I am excited to see what the story has in store for us when it comes to the deep-diving into Marcy’s home life. She might’ve had a nuanced family life. She might’ve had abusive parents, perhaps no sister at all but a lot of relatives who grieved for her.

But with this theory out to the public, thank you all for reading along with this massive beast of a post, and I hope we get to see Marcy out of the aloe vera sauce very soon!

[havin-fun-imagining-twd]

It was a pragmatic cigarette

new chapter, who dis

When - right after White lies. Note that a slight deviation in canon was made in that I figured it was logical for everybody to take a break to mourn on the day of Otis’ funeral. That allllll that plot was supposed to happen in one day was a little much, so I gave them the day off, y’all.

Episode - S02E04 Cherokee Rose

Relationships - Daryl x reader is becoming a chill friendship. Slow burn ftw. No, really, there’s a cigarette involved, it burns slowly. He and you end up lighting up together. As for ‘you and the gang!,’ we’ve got Papa Dale and big bro Shane.

Perspective - 2nd person until Daryl takes over. You finish up the chapter when he’s done.

Genre - trail mix

Pronouns - used they/them when called for

TWs - some language including the f-bomb, smoking, and you notice some warning signs of Beth’s suicidal thoughts.

Word count - your average chapter

Referenced stories/plot points - many! Too many. Only one way to fix that problem: take the plunge, slowpoke.

Coughing, on a giant boulder, in the dark, with egg on your clothes. It’s exactly how you pictured the day ending.

While holding a cigarette, no less.

...What a day.

________________________________

You’d carefully scooted out of your tent when you woke up and your brother wasn’t there. Didn’t look like much time has passed in terms of the sunlight. Where did everybody...oh, good, at least Carol was still there.

“Carol?”

She turned her head, a cigarette in hand. She’s not a smoker, so you didn’t say anything about it. She must’ve been at the point of needing something stronger for comfort.

“How long've I been in there?”

With a polite, sheepish kind of smile, she told you “I didn’t know you were still here, to be honest,” and moved to extinguish the cigarette.

“Oh, you don’t have to put it out, you’re good,” you said before asking, “D’you, um, know where Shane is? He wouldn’t have left without you.”

“I know there’s was some kind of something going on with a well, I’m not sure what.”

“A well?” you asked, yawning. You were still foggy from the unintended nap, as short as it seemed to have been. And foggy from the past couple days. And from that memorial service this morning, ugh.

She pointed. “In the pasture out that way.”

“Alright.” You started on your way, then froze before checking a little too quickly, “Any word from Daryl?”

Her lips clamped shut. Then she turned her head and took a long drag.

That was dumb of you to ask when he’d left so recently, especially given how hopeless Carol must've been feeling.

“I suppose we should give the man time to get off his bike in the first place,” you commented in an attempt to make light. It came out very awkward.

So, still groggy and somewhat disoriented, you headed off to the pasture to see what was going on with the well.

You simply wanted to check on your brother before you went back inside the house to help monitor Carl.

__________________________________

Why was it always you who was throwing up? It’s not like you could help it, that bloated, nasty, alien-ass walker they pulled out of the well had genuinely split into two!

And this was of course after you’d more or less blown up at Shane and just about everybody else there who’d gone along with the plan to fish for that walker trapped down the well by using Glenn as bait.

Good Moses, what a day it was turning out to be. You don’t drink or smoke. Hell, you don’t do anything. But you found yourself daydreaming about chugging a beer and having a cigarette or maybe even a joint. Where all your hope and optimism from an hour ago scampered off to, you didn’t know.

You’d arrived at the well just as they were hauling poor Glenn out after something happened to make the rope slip.

When it was all over and Glenn was blessedly unscathed, your terror and panic quickly transformed into rage at everyone there, Dale, T-Dog, Lori, Andrea, Shane, even Maggie.

Andrea was the first to hold up her hand and defend their decision, outspoken about the fact that “Live bait was needed. We were being pragmatic.”

Cue you to have fumed back, “‘Pragmatic?’ Why didn’t you go down, then? Glenn’s got at least 20 pounds on you!”

She maintained a confident facade and Shane was supportive of her. He would be, he was used to making hard calls. At least he looked scared shitless when Glenn almost got gnawed. Lori, T-Dog, and Dale looked ashamed as could be, to their credit. As for poor Maggie caught in the middle, she’d turned as white as a sheet and firmly stated that she had nothing to do with it.

And damn your mouth, as you’d angrily tried to figure out from them why they would have thought a plan like that was “In the least bit ‘pragmatic?’ No other workarounds than riskin’ his neck?” you’d even inadvertently insulted Glenn when it was brought up that he ‘agreed’ to be bait when you spit back that “That’s only because he’s too good-natured and eager to please, you goddamned ingrates!”

Yeah. You very much need to work on controlling your temper and tongue. And who the hell uses the word “ingrates?”

Mercifully, everything was apologized for and forgiven on all sides when it was discovered that Glenn actually got the rope around the walker in the well.

All was going well (pun not intended, it’s been a rough day!) until the poor, bloated bastard’s legs and pelvis ripped off and flopped back into the water supply. It got worse when a frustrated and 100% done T-Dog bashed his head in, to Margaret’s horror.

Annnnnd then you got sick.

A weak stomach and a hot head, that’s you.

_______________________________

It was decided that everything that was planned for the day, other than checking the highway for Sophia, would be postponed for tomorrow.

The pharmacy run could wait, the thing that required doing was boarding up the tainted well and helping out with chores around the farm that were pushed aside after the events of yesterday and this morning.

During the panic to get Glenn out of the well alive and unbitten, T-Dog overused his arm and your brother overused his ankle. As a result, T-Dog started bleeding again and Shane was limping even worse.

It was good that after chores and checking the highway, the group would rest. They needed it.

The one chore (other than monitoring Carl) that was deemed doable for you with your stitches and sling was: gathering eggs. You also found the almost-empty container of chicken scratch and took the liberty of tossing a few handfuls, then emptied the vermin traps you noticed nearby to feel more useful.

“Dr. Greene, do you have more rodent traps or should I add them to the list?”

“You don’t need to refer to me as ‘doctor.’ And yes, I have more traps in the storage bin in the cellar.”

“Of course, which is the door to the cella — ”

“ —Do not go down there, leave it be. This is not your home.”

That response caught you off-guard. You hadn’t intended to overstep, only to help.

The doctor—apologies, ‘Mr. Greene’—tried to soften his words by adding an almost-begrudging, “Thank you,” so you did you best to wait until exiting the room before you let a few tears spill out.

A smoke or a beer was looking pretty good right about then.

___________________________________

Lori kept Carl distracted with one of Jimmy’s comic books so effectively that he didn’t have a chance to ask about Sophia.

Then Beth entered the room with that homemade chocolate pudding she’d promised, and you assured Carl before he could say anything that some would be put aside for Sophia (which wasn’t a lie, you would). This seemed satisfactory, and soon he was passing out from the most recent dose of pain meds. Mischief managed as far as you were concerned.

“Have you heard anything about the little girl?” Beth whispered to you in the hallway after.

“There’s a guy in our group who’s a good hunter, he’s out looking for her along the creek again. Then, um, my brother is gonna go with her mama to check the mini shelter we made for her at the highway we got stuck on.”

“How long has she been missin’?”

“Been about 48 hours,” you hushed.

She chewed her bottom lip and kept walking next to you on your way to the front door. “The little girl went missing one day, then the little boy got shot the next?”

You weren’t sure where to look as you nodded and took a deep breath.

And you were content to remain silent until she suddenly uttered in a small voice that “There ain’t much point to it all, is there? Why keep on goin’ if it’s just gonna be more awful things and...”

You frowned. Those things are not a good thing to hear from anyone, never mind somebody younger who may be prone to more impulsive actions. That’s a very bad thing to hear, in fact. You'd talk with Maggie about this.

Beth noticed your frown and seemed to grow defensive. “I’m just bein’ realistic, or, or pragmatic.”

Keeping your voice down, you looked her in the eyes and tried to use the right words when you said, “It’s good to see clearly a bad situation for what it is, so long as it—so long as it ain’t only the bad parts we see. Losing all hope is neither pragmatic nor realistic.”

“What, you don’t think it’s just a matter of time ’til all of us get sick or bit or killed?”

“No.”

She kept her chin up, but eyes averted. Appeared almost angry as she stated, “False hope is cruel.”

Granted, you’ve known her only a day, but that mood shift was very different from how Beth’s been. Maybe those dark thoughts had been lurking a while, and the way things turned on a dime yesterday was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

You’re just grateful she was saying something to somebody that made it fairly clear she was in a bad place.

“There’s always hope of some kind, honey, it ain’t false.” Such a painfully lame answer, but what else could you say other than the truth? “Beth, please don’t roll your eyes, it’s just—”

“—I ain’t a child.”

“I wouldn’t think less of you if you were. Which is why I know you can think about it from, from my perspective: when life felt hopeless and not worth it anymore, we were given people like your family who put everythin’ on hold and on the line to save a child they didn’t know.” With a one-sided shrug and a one-sided smile, you softly pointed out, “And who make chocolate pudding from scratch for them.”

___________________________________

Shane, Andrea, T-Dog, and Carol came back from the highway empty-handed. No Sophia.

Carol quickly saw herself to her tent without so much as a glance at anyone, save for Dale, to whom she’d given the yellow walkie.

“Did Daryl tell us anything while I was gone?” you heard her plead quietly.

He didn’t seem to be able to stand as tall when he shook his head. “No word yet.”

______________________________________

You caught Maggie’s attention when she walked with Glenn back from his riding lesson for tomorrow’s run, a slowly trotting horse on a lead behind them.

“Dude, Y/N. Riding a horse decimates your thighs, I had no idea. Never mind other parts,” he added under his breath.

Grateful for a laugh, you cracked up with him before calling, “Hey, um, Maggie, may I check somethin’ with you real quick?”

Glenn took the lead and started walking at a faster pace alongside the horse toward the stable so you could speak privately to her. He tried, anyway. His thighs must have felt like jelly, based on his slight waddle.

After you told her of your worry regarding her little sister, she thanked you softly and continued on her way, so you went on yours.

____________________________________

Back at the tents, Mr. Greene gave his permission for a fire so the group could cook.

Lori, Andrea, and you helped Carol make the inside of their tent nice and homey for Sophia. No word from Daryl had come through, and it was getting late and overcast...hey, was that Beth?

You walked over to meet her as she nervously hovered near the group’s camp area. She was carrying a doll, a stuffed animal, and a large bowl filled with eggs.

“Here. For if the little girl comes back. These were mine when I was little. She can have—I’d like her to have ’em.” With a nod down at what she was holding, she then cleared her throat to shyly correct, “Well, not the eggs, those are for y’all.”

“Would you like to give them to Carol? That’s the missing girl’s mother, she’s the woman with the short hair. Or,” seeing her uncomfortable expression, you gently offered, “I can tell her you gave them.”

“Just, um, let her know there’s a tiny container of pudding in the fridge for her daughter, too? It ain’t giving false hope to let her know...”

“I can do that.”

She nodded, eyes downcast as she fiddled with her various leather and twine bracelets. “And, um, what’s the little girl’s name again, Y/N?”

“Sophia.”

____________________________________

The sounds of the motorcycle should have filled you with hope, but you didn’t even bother looking over for fear of confirmation that Sophia wasn’t with him.

Sure enough, she wasn’t. What did that say about you? Was that you being defeatist or pragmatic? And so soon after being so stubbornly hopeful, and 100% convinced that she would come back?

Would a cigarette or beer help?

Not really, but you sure as hell still wanted one of the two. You’re overtired.

Whatever.

You pressed your hand onto your stitches and jogged over to Daryl. The way he was looking very intently at the campsite before he’d even gotten his kickstand down meant he was hoping Sophia had been found at the highway.

You noticed Rick and Lori push aside the curtains of Carl’s room. Saw them look for a moment before letting the curtain fall back.

It was as if you could physically feel the unspoken resignation in the group’s silence, the way they averted their eyes or looked down at the ground.

Carol went walking off. Shane followed.

You kept walking towards Daryl, who looked...let’s just say you figured you might could’ve been about to get snapped at.

“What leads did you find?” you decided to phrase it, daring to give into hope or to at least fake it until you could make it.

He froze for a second. Stared at you hard again, like he had before he left. Then he straightened his posture. “Abandoned house had an empty can in the trash bin. Fresh. And there was a blanket and pillow set up in the cupboard. Still had a shit ton of food in there, too, I brought some back.”

“We’ll head out at first light, then?”

“Will ya?” A glance at your sling as he lit up a cigarette.

“Check this out.” Pulling it off, you lifted your arm up forwards, then to the side, twisting your neck, too. It really hurt. “I can do all that.”

“And the stitches?” he grunted.

“Won’t fall out, they’re sewn in.”

You didn’t expect a scoff in return at that point. “C’mon, take this serious, Y/N.” Then he turned to the saddle bag, tossed his barely smoked cigarette on the gravel, and grabbed several canned goods and a box of something from inside it before marching off to the tents without another word.

“I was serious!” you shouted after him. Asshole. And strangely, at that moment, you had the most what-the-fuck notion to pick up that cigarette off the ground, light it yourself, and see if it would calm you down.

________________________________________

“I understand.”

“We gotta be realistic about this.”

“I said I understand, Shane. We’ll keep hope but not be naïve about it.”

You two were back in your little tent discussing the search party that would be formed tomorrow, and then about (you) handling the fact that Sophia possibly won’t be found.

At least Shane was elevating his ankle, finally. The others were talking around the fire, but you still maintained lower speaking voices for privacy’s sake.

“I know shuttin’ emotions off can be difficult, for anybody,” he went on.

Your eyebrows rose as you met his stern gaze.

“Y/N, I want to stress that you gotta learn to shut that switch off when it comes down to it. Shut off the anger, the rage, the fear, the sympathy, even the doubt. When that man shot Rick, nearly killed him? I shut that shit down, aimed, and fired until I knew he wasn’t a threat to no one else, not ’til I knew that the others with me would get home that night to their families.”

“You d-did what you had to. But you still felt remorse, Shane, you called mama about it.” You were in the room when your mom picked up the phone and got the news about Rick.

“It—it wasn’t easy, don’t get me wrong. Never will be, you know it. Taking a man’s life ain’t no small thing, no matter their value.”

Gently, you requested, “Please don’t say things like ‘value.’ All life is precious.” Might as well quote your mother while she was on your and Shane’s mind.

He stared at the ceiling for a few moments. “I did what the situation called for.” His head turned to look at you. “I shut that switch off because I needed to. Made sure the one decidin’ who lived or died was me, because people were dependent on me. Moments like that require pragmatism.”

You closed your eyes. “We lose our humanity when we shut that switch off completely.”

“But we live to see another day, and keep the people who rely on us alive.”

“We’re still alive and ain’t abandoned our souls yet. When you talked about being ‘pragmatic,’ before, that don’t need to mean we chuck out morals or sympathy and things.”

“Sometimes you do gotta chuck them out for a while and pick them up after. I guess what I’m trying’ to say—” he paused. You saw him press his thumb and forefinger against the bridge of his nose. “I ain’t talking about what happened with Ed, we’ve been over that. I’m talkin’ about the...” he trailed off.

“Shane?”

He was more delicate than you thought he’d be when he asked, “Do you still count them? The walkers?”

“Sort of.” Twenty-seven was your current estimate. Killing them turned...routine faster than you’d like to admit. But you still tried (are trying) in your mind to not fully scrub away what was once their dignity as a person. “I-I ain’t been too sure since the night the camp got overrun.”

“Still no memories?”

With a deep inhale and a slow exhale, you shook your head. Other than bits and pieces, you can’t recall anything other than the parts surrounding Amy.

“Times like that are what I’m talkin’ about. When the adrenaline flows.”

“It’s strange how time gets slow and fast at the same time when that happens,” you’d mumbled.

“That’s why the switch is so important. Like when you had to ki—”

“—Shane, don’t bring him up!” you’d whispered. Your stomach dropped, pulse quickened, and you tried to push that memory back down.

Regret and shame trickled over you, and you sent up some sort of half-baked idea of prayer for whoever that guy was and whoever his family was/is, if he’d had any left. You and Shane had an idea of who he was, but nothing concrete.

Shane kept trying to get you to see that knowing wouldn’t change anything. And, over and over, to remind you that it was done in defense.

“I’m sorry.”

You could tell by the way he said it that he would continue, but to your relief, your brother stayed quiet for a time with you, kneading your bad shoulder with his knuckles.

“When that happened, you turned the switch off, and I’m alive because of it. We’re both alive for it,” he’d continued slowly. “Saving me and saving yourself now means Lori and Carl and others are still alive, too.”

“Shaney, where are you headin’ with all this? Where’s it coming from?”

“Ain’t it obvious? I’m concerned your emotions or guilt or conscience is fixing to get the better of you someday, drag you down, paralyze you. Send you ‘postal.’ Like having too much false hope in findin...” he trailed off again. “That’s why I’m trying to get you to see what I’m saying. I want you safe.”

“I know you do, and I see what you mean, I do. I’m just...” ‘Scared’ wasn’t the right word... “Dreading that broken conscience or loss of the ability to hope. It’s gonna get the better of us all some day if we ain’t wise. It’s, it’s already started to, man.”

His frustration was apparent, but he was relenting. “The world’s changed. What’s wise is to learn to work that switch.”

And so you both sat on your differing opinions. Too much gray, much too much gray. You didn’t like that.

You weren’t sure why you next muttered, “You didn’t turn no switch off when you were with Otis,” nor were you sure why it sounded like a question rather than a statement.

You trust your brother, you love him, and you’d been over this in your head that he was lying about parts of what happened simply for the sake of Otis’ loved ones.

His body tensed up. You were beside him, but you could tell even from there. And his voice came out rough and strained and higher than usual. “I don’t—w-what happened with him was different.”

You weren’t sure what to make of that.

Steeling your nerves, you offered, “Would you like me to listen?”

He pulled his hand over his face and rubbed his shaved head a few times. Kept his eyes closed.

Whatever was being left unspoken, you’d leave for now unless Shane said more. An ominous sense of foreboding unease and helplessness settled on your chest. “Shane, do you feel like yourself?”

Barely a whisper came back. “I don’t know.”

Nothing more was said. Snippets of conversation from the group outside by the fire could be sort of be heard, but not made out. You wiggled closer to your brother so that your arms touched. Continued to lay there in silence.

You ignored the pain as you sat up. You reached under your pillow for the mp3 player and placed it on his belly.

“I don’t think anyone checked the mailbox today. I’m gonna go do that, maybe they get DVD-by-mail,” was your delicate attempt to add some humor as you unzipped the flap and crawled one-armed out of the tent.

“Just,” he murmured, lifting the corners of his mouth. “Don’t forget bug spray, weirdo.”

“Have fun not usin’ your ankle, loser. Please keep it elevated for a good while longer, okay? And I’ll massage your lower calf when I get back, it’ll help.”

____________________________________

Yeah, you immediately caught Dale’s eyes and beelined straight for the top of the RV. He was just about to come down, by the looks of it, but he graciously turned around and sat by the edge instead.

Going one-handed up a ladder was a unique experience.

“Spill, kiddo.”

“What’s ‘pragmatism’ again? That word’s been tossed around all day,” you wondered, legs dangling off the side. “I know what it means, but I-I don’t really know what it means. It’s different from ‘realistic’ or a synonym?”

“They, um, the words are similar, certainly, and intertwined. I actually read a very illuminating—” he stopped to chuckle. “Yet very dull article regarding the two some years ago. ‘Realism’ is seeing things how they truly are, though it often incorporates subjective, mm, and usually a pessimistic or otherwise negative air to it,” he explained. “‘Pragmatism’ is being practical and matter-of-fact about a situation, but often falls prey to a worldview that may lack compassion, sympathy, or even morality.”

“What about ‘hope?’ Might would you consider it an antonym?”

“Well, ‘hope’ is simply...I suppose we can say ‘an optimistic desire for something,’ even despite our ideas of what’s realistic or pragmatic. So, no, I wouldn’t consider them opposed.”

You nodded. “Okay.”

“You know, kiddo, us ending up here, as nightmarish as the circumstances were, it’s...” He sighed. “Quite frankly, the silver lining is that, for Sophia, it’s enabling us to act with more hope, in my opinion. The needs-of-the-many versus the needs-of-the-few discussion is being kept at bay because we’re going to be here a while yet.”

He’d pretended the RV was still broken down for Sophia’s sake. Fixed, of course, when it came time to drive to the Greene’s farm. You love him a whole lot.

“You still got hope for her, Mr. Horvath?”

Dale was slow to reply, which was something of an answer in itself. Elbows on his knees, he conceded that “For Carol’s sake, I wish I could confidently answer in the affirmative.”

Again, you nodded. No tears came up, all you felt was that empty sense of defeat and restlessness. And the desire for some kind of something to take the edge off.

“But as T-Dog was telling me earlier,” Dale went on. “If there’s a snowball’s chance in hell of finding her, we’re betting on the snowball.” As he chuckled, he relayed “He said he’d comb through the woods like Rambo if he had to.”

For some reason, him admitting to his quiet hope and T-Dog’s gung-ho attitude caused you to peer inward and find yours lacking.

It felt like shit. You felt like shit. From doubting your brother’s integrity to blowing up at the group, now you were rapidly losing hope for that little girl barely three hours after telling Beth there’s always hope? After Daryl had hugged you because you were so thoroughly convinced...

And then Shane had brought up that man.

Fuck, now you’re thinking about him again.

“Dale, do you have any liquor?”

He was surprised. You don’t blame him. That sort of thing wasn’t (isn’t) on-brand for you.

“I understand the appeal. It’s crossed my mind a few times, to be honest, and yes, I do have a bottle of scotch. But that mightn’t be the most...” He smiled, then gave you a look. “Pragmatic move, at this point. If only because we want to respect the Greenes, especially now.”

_________________________________

Still restless after dinner, you found yourself wandering around the farm as far as you could go without feeling creepy about traipsing over somebody else’s property in the dark.

You saw Lori was sitting with Patricia and Jimmy by Otis’ memorial cairn, and your restlessness grew.

“The smell from the eggs is a little much,” she’d mentioned by the fire when she stood up to excuse herself.

“Then don’t let Y/N get too close,” Glenn had snorted back in reference to your clothes.

Turns out the group had made the eggs soft-boiled. You’d thought they were hard-boiled. Got a yolk stain on the borrowed sweatpants and white t-shirt you were still wearing from yesterday. Seemed fitting, you supposed.

Anyway, a little while later is when you told your friend you were off for a walk to clear your head.

Your head didn’t end up clearing so much, but at least the skies did. It became a very pretty night. Every non-cloudy night was pretty nowadays; no light pollution.

Tried to get that man out of your head by praying for him more and whatever. He stayed put in your mind.

Crickets chirped.

Frogs croaked.

You listened to the soft rustle of grass as you stepped. Rubbed your aching shoulder best you could.

The farm smelled like hay and manure and wood smoke, not in a bad way. Then a breeze started blowing, and the scent of (speak of the devil) cigarettes joined in. You looked around to see from where...

“T-Dog?”

He was walking in the direction of the campsite, carefully massaging the back of his injured arm as he did.

“Hey there.” His smile was just as sheepish as Carol’s had been, only his was more free.

“I thought I smelled cigarettes when I hugged you last night.” You used your good arm to give a quick wave to Daryl sitting on top of a boulder a few yards behind T-Dog. They must’ve been smoking together? “Never realized you smoked, Teddy.”

“I don’t no more, but sometimes a good drag hits the spot. I usually prefer cigars, but,” he shrugged, “I found a pack the other day, then found myself lightin’ up almost as fast. Rough few days.” In your ear, he mentioned before he continued walking back, “Make sure that man don’t fall asleep up there, he’s been nodding off.”

Off he went, and you looked back at Daryl up on the boulder. “Comfy?”

“Not really.”

Okay. “You cool with company, man?”

Eyeing his cigarette, he grunted, “It’s up to you.”

“You can say ‘no,’ you know,” you reminded him with a tacked-on smile, then turned away, content to imagine that he was trying to be polite.

“Wait, just—hold up.”

You turned back around. He took a long inhale. Then let out a slow exhale through his nose, as the thick gray smoke coming out of his nostrils told you.

Then, he waved his hand and appeared to extinguish the cigarette with the other. “Come on, then.”

You climbed up as fast (and gracefully?) as you could with one arm. It was a pride thing. And hopefully he bought it as you sat down a ways beside him and stared down at the drop.

“Almost ready to crash, Daryl? You been out all day.”

All he did was hum in response. “How’s the boy?”

“Vitals good, slept most of the day, Lori kept him distracted otherwise.”

You thought you heard him mutter “Good.” He played with the stub of his cigarette. “How about Carol?” he asked in a softer tone of voice.

“She ain’t got much hope left.” And either you were overtired or too focused on that man, or you’d ventured too far from the balance of hope vs pragmatism, because at that moment, you felt as if your hope was just about gone, too. “Please let’s head out at first light?”

___________________________________

Daryl

Y/N looked as if they’d given up. They were usually all optimistic and shit.

“You ain’t goin’ with Glenn and the short-haired chick on that supply run? They’re after medical shit, that’s more than right up your alley.”

“Nah, Glenn has a crush on her. I’d tease him about it too much if I went.”

Okay, then. He wasn’t sure why he felt good about that sentence, but it’s been a rough few days and he was tired as fuck-all.

“Would Shane rip me a new one if ya came with me, stitches and all?” he decided to ask, mainly as a joke.

“Eh, with his ankle, you could outrun him easy,” Y/N tossed back dryly.

Okay, that was funny.

“Hey, um, m-may I have a little of that?” they asked.

But what were they looking at? Not his... his cigarette?

“You don’t smoke.”

“Rough few days, might as well see what all the fuss is about.”

That’s...different for Y/N. Pretty sure they said they ain’t gotten full-on drunk before, neither. Prolly never tried grass, neither.

Still, he took his lighter back out and re-lit the end. He felt like he was doing something wrong, though.

“You smoked ever?”

“Nah.”

“Weed?”

They made a little face. “I got sad about all that bloody and racist stuff to do with it. Plus, it smells so dang nasty. Anyways,” they added, shaking their head like people do when they realize they’ve shared too much and need to cover it up with a joke. “I’m weird enough as it is, imagine what I’d be like high.”

They did that a lot, made little teasing digs at themselves.

Unsure if he should be doing so, he handed over the cigarette.

It was kinda cute to watch as they first held it between their pointer and middle finger, then thumb and pointer, then back to pointer and middle.

“It’s gonna burn out at this rate.”

“You’re gonna burn out,” they huffed back, which made him smile. On the inside.

Then they finally put it to their lips and…

...they okay?

“You ain’t just holdin’ the smoke in your mouth, are you?”

Cue them to open their mouth and start coughing. “I thought you weren’t supposed to inhale!”

Don’t laugh, don’t laugh. “That’s cigars and pipes, Y/N.” Hey. Dixon. I said don’t laugh.

“Oh, Moses, here I was tryin’ to look like I knew what I was doing.” They winced and held their side where the stitches were as they coughed. “Okay, okay, gimme a sec, I got this—oh, hushabye with your laughing, mangy hick.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t—”

—Never mind, there they went again. Another timid, shallow inhale, then a slow exhale, complete with a suppressed cough and confused look on their face.

He did his best to not crack up more. “Good?”

They handed the cigarette back to him. Voice flat, they wondered, “Depends, when does the good feeling start?”

“Dunno. S’different for everybody, I guess.” He put it back between his lips and took a proper drag.

Y/N looked over at him briefly. “Guess now we got each other’s cooties.”

Them and their dumb jokes. “You smell like bug spray.”

“Better than egg, I reckon. May I have some more cooties, please?” they asked, voice still flat. “Unless you got nippers anywhere you feel cool with sharing?”

Now they want to drink? Yeah, nah, all this is a little too out of character. “You okay?”

“Of course, got no bites.”

“M’serious,” he answered back a little too rough. He didn’t mean to do that, force of habit.

Shit, now they were frowning and their voice got a little too quiet. “I was trying to be positive.” They stared down at the ground. “A smoke or a beer ain’t all that extreme, I just wanted to take the edge off.”

“Going postal?”

“M’good.”

“Then why do you wanna take the edge off?”

“Why is it so shocking I want a nipper or to try a cigarette?”

He tamped down on his annoyance. Y/N was his friend, after all, and he knew that they downplayed shit like they got paid for it. But why couldn’t people just be upfront, it’s so much damned simpler.

“You’re that close to white lying, you get that, yeah?” He reached over to get the cigarette from their hand, took another drag, then gave it back.

“Avoiding an answer ain’t a lie, it’s a loophole.” That was them trying to make a joke again.

He didn’t reply.

But just like that, he found himself cracking up again when after Y/N took another attempt at a drag, shivered, coughed, and handed back the almost-finished cigarette while muttering under their breath, “Ick, tastes like stale, plastic, death-dirt.”

“Give it here, troublemaker.”

“I ain’t no troublemaker, jeez.” Them they froze, as if realizing they’d grumbled that reply back and—yet again—not wanting to admit to feeling like shit or whatever, they sighed. “I’m overtired, my apologies.” A few more coughs.

“Quarter.”

“Huh?”

“New rules,” he decided to make up right on the spot. “It’s a quarter per cuss word around the kids, and a quarter per white lie around me.”

He felt their eyes on him. “You’re the troublemaker right now, tell you what, Daryl. And remember, I’m only, what is it? Six or seven years your junior.” More coughs.

“Tell me what’s wrong, you can keep that quarter,” he insisted, almost as if he was talking to a kid, despite what Y/N just mentioned.

“I’ll tell you tomorrow when we’re out lookin’ for her.”

Ah, he saw what they were doing. Still, he didn’t want them ripping their stitches or messing up their damn shoulder no more. “Why not now?”

“’Cause I don’t want to think too much before bedtime, you know how it is. And dude, that cigarette amped me up.” They ran their hand through their hair and groaned, “I can really be an idiot.”

“You and me both. By the way, nicotine is a stimulant. Says so on the box,” he deadpanned, inhaling the final dregs and savoring every second of it.

“Listen to Mr. Nicotine-is-a-Stimulant. He’s startin’ to sound like me, the poor guy.”

Then before he could blink, he heard “Eh, fuck it, I’ll just use my inhaler later,” and Y/N next asked him, “May I?”

After he made an affirmative grunt, they swiped the cigarette from his hand, their fingers brushing his.

And with that, Y/N took one final (very small) puff, and coughed before digging it into the rock and—oh, of course they next put the butt in their pocket, they have that thing against littering. Yup, then they picked up T-Dog’s, too.

He liked that about them, too. Y/N had this...he guessed it was hope. A real damn stubborn hope. It was nice.

Also, was he a dick for being really curious about whatever it was they’re hiding? How bad could it be?

________________________________

You

Yup.

Coughing up smoke, on a boulder, in the dark, with egg on your clothes and a cigarette in your hand. Well, in your pocket, now, technically, you could throw out the stubs later.

What a night. What a past 50-something hours. Tomorrow would end up marking the full 72. Not a good number in terms of Sophia...

Daryl lightly bumped your arm and jolted you out of it. “When you finally get around to sharin’ whatever it is, will we need them beers you mentioned?”

“Nobody needs beer, but...we might, um,” you cut off with an anxious little laugh you hope he’ll ignore. “I might will need to chug a little first, it’d prolly be...” Might as well use the stupid word of the day. “‘Pragmatic.’”

“Just like your ‘pragmatic’ cigarette, there?”

You know, that man can be really quick when he wants to be. Nice, dry sense of humor. It’ll be way more enjoyable when movements like laughing don’t make your stitches hurt so much.

Elbowing him gently, you found a real smile when you agreed, “That’s it, it was a pragmatic cigarette.”

“Which amped you up,” he seemed to tease. “Alright Y/N, we should get our asses back if we’re leavin’ at first light.” He got up, brushed the dirt off, and moved to climb down before stopping and offering you a hand.

He finally agreed he’d let you join him to track down Sophia tomorrow. That made you feel a little better.

But your thoughts were still racing. Especially after Shane brought up...

“I’m gonna stay here a little while longer, Daryl. It’s quiet.”

“Want me to wait?”

“Nah, you don’t have to, go get your beauty sleep.”

He’d squinted at you again when you said that, as if was about to ask you something else. You had the vaguest sensation that he could probably bore holes with his eyes if he tried, so decided to challenge it head-on by frowning back.

Just like that, his gaze softened.

And with a hum in acknowledgment, he climbed the rest of the way down and began to walk back.

[damn-stark]

Ch.10: I Hear a Symphony

Chapter 10 of Cherry

A/N: I really hope you all enjoyed the chapter, I loved how it came out. *cue in song Bundle of Joy from Inside Out*

Warning- ANGST, LONG CHAPTER!, Talks of injury and loss and grief, violence, FLUFF!!, swearing, SLOWBURN ;)

Pairing- Jean Kirstein x reader,

Episodes- 2x36-2x37

(Let me know if you want to be tagged)

————

Good and bad memories tried to surface and distract your mind from the dooming thoughts that plagued your mind, but you were persistent in pushing both away. It was too painful to relish in either. Instead you basked in the feeling of the setting sunlight beams kissing your skin ever so gently, whilst the chilly evening breeze flew past your body and howled in your ear.

The sound of Titans, cries of other soldiers echoed everywhere, but you tried your best to drown it all out as you thought you were going to fall into your death. You hated the darkness, but you welcomed its deafening sound in your ears. Because at least hearing nothing was better than hearing the chaos that surrounded you. And you didn’t know why you were so willing to embrace death. Maybe because it was better than trying to get your hopes up with fake scenarios where you lived, when you knew there was nothing you could do. Or maybe because dying would make the heartbreaking pain stop.

But nevertheless, you were too hopeful, or too hopeless. Because as the smell of a Titans breath rushed in your nose and their drool splashed on your face, suddenly wire wrapped around you and reeled you out of the Titans hot mouth, pulling you instead into the secure and the warmth of someone’s tight embrace—Jeans tight embrace.

After your bodies crash into one another, suddenly time didn’t move as slow as you felt it did seconds ago, this time it moved too fast. Now every feeling you pushed back returned, while the chaos that the day had turned into welcomed you back. Pain also returned to your body, it was a persistent factor as the quick speed that Jean had moved in got out of control and made him crash onto the earth with you still secured in his arms. You both rolled on the grass until you both finally came to a stop.

Time after you finally stopped moved at its normal speed, unlike your pounding heart. You finally peeled your eyes open one by one and felt relief wash over you as you saw the grass and dirt in a much closer perspective. You couldn’t rejoice in the fact that you were safe, because that wasn’t true, you were still surrounded by mindless Titans. What you did do though was stay in Jean’s embrace a bit longer, just like he kept his arms around you, finding that the both of you were actually embracing the fact that you were alive, that he got to save you in time.

You stayed that way for a minute longer, it felt like longer, but it was only a minute, or even a few seconds longer. After that you quickly pulled away and met his shocked gaze, noticing his cheeks were a very soft shade of pink as he noticed you were on top of him. Jean didn’t say anything, he actually felt like his words ceased to exist from his head until you slid off him. He could find his composure after that and was quick to drop the…weird tension and instead slap his hands on your shoulders to begin pestering you. “Y/N, are you okay? Did that asshole hurt you?”

You shake your head and offer him a faint but assuring smile. “No he didn’t. I’m just a little bruised, but I’m fine.” You scan his body as he sits up, and let out a relieved breath when you find no injuries on his body. “What about you?” You ask as you lean towards him with your eyebrows deeply furrowed in concern. “Are you okay?”

Jean doesn’t hesitate to nod to assure your worry, pushing himself to his feet and helping you on your own. “Come on, let's get on a horse,” he said as his fingers slid off your wrist. “And stay close.” He turns his head to shoot you a warning glare, his once softened brown eyes, now as intense as usual. “I’m serious, don't pull anything reckless. Need I remind you that you don’t have your gear on.”

“I know,” you scoff with a pointed glare. “I’m not some suicidal maniac.”

Jean looks to you and the corner of his lips twitch before he eventually shoots you another warning look and then focuses back on your surroundings to make sure no Titans get close. But even when you finally got on a horse, safety was still not a guaranteed thing with chaos in every perimeter. When you look over your shoulder you see that Reiner was still surrounded by mindless Titans all trying to tear him apart. And even if you had the instinct to still worry about him, you couldn’t focus on that feeling and instead you fully focused on who he still had in captivity.

“What about Eren?” You ask Jean from the top of your horse. “We—”

“No,” Jean cuts you off instantly, “we nothing. You have no gear. And there's too many Titans surrounding Reiner, for everyone to be over there,” he sighs as he follows your line of vision. “But I think—” Jean suddenly cuts himself off and pushes his horse to step forward a bit as he catches something he quickly points out. “Look! Damn, Commander Erwin really is a devil.”

You make the horse move beside Jean and you catch only the final act of the scene Jean had seen. Through the chaos you see Erwin falling down to his horse with his blade in one hand, while the other arm you noticed was missing. It was an unbelievable sight, but it was true and not some hallucination from your exhaustion. “How the hell,” you mutter as you watch Erwin land on his horse, seconds before drifting your eyes to the sky after noticing Eren in Mikasa’s grasp. That sight also left you incredibly awestruck because she was injured but still fighting. “Incredible.”

And after Mikasa finally had Eren with her on her horse, without hesitation Erwin rode forward with his balde raised over his head to yell out a reassuring command, “All soldiers, retreat!”

Doing as he said, you and what was left of the Scouts rode forward to return home, and you didn’t dare look behind you anymore, you couldn’t handle it. All you wanted now was to get home, eat and sleep, you didn’t want to think of what happened or the change that had happened in a single day. You didn’t want to think about him, or what he did…even if you knew that once you lay on your bed and were surrounded by silence, that what he did would come to mind, even if you wanted to avoid it, every single memory and every ounce of pain would plague your mind and make you cry to your pillows. And maybe it was better to let go of it, feel everything once you were under your sheets.

But that time couldn’t come quicker because before anyone could get far a Titan was hurled your way, landing just a few feet away from the squad, disrupting the formation and causing you all to come to an abrupt stop as to not fall, or crash into someone else through the screen of smoke that came from the dead Titan. You tried to look behind you to see what sort of trouble was caused because of the Titan, but you couldn’t see anything through the smoke, not even Jean who had been riding beside you—once part of the smoke, and dirt had cleared from your phearial view, all you caught was Reiner throwing Titans like some mad man. Your worry after that heightened. Not only for you, but for Mikasa who had been injured with weaponless Eren riding with her. You worried for Erwin who was now missing an arm, for Jean, Sasha, Connie, Armin and the rest of the Scouts.

However you could do nothing to help any of them—“shit,” you grumble. You move further, but stop soon thereafter as you see Mikasa and Eren in the distance, both off the horse they had been on and a Titan heading directly towards them. “Shit.” You repeat again, clenching your reins and signaling your horse to move towards them.

“Y/N!” You hear Jean shout. “What the hell did I tell you!” Both him and Armin fall at your sides and catch what you had seen, all three of you noticing the same man from earlier that day, Hannes, with them too. “Stay close, y/n.” Jean repeats as you all continue to ride forward the trio ahead, catching the old man swinging around the Titan that had been heading their way. “Give the old man backup!”

Right as the three of you sped up however a loud whooshing sound catches your attention. You look over your shoulder and see that Reiner had hurled yet more Titans your way, you then have to stop as to not fall from the impact—“Reiner?” Armin gasped as you both looked over at him in the distance. “What’s he doing?! Does he not care if Eren is eaten?!”

“He does,” you answer him, “he just doesn’t want us to get away.”

“Don’t get in our way, you big sack of shit!” Jean bellows angrily before the three of you continue towards Eren and the other two. But before you could reach who you’re running towards, you’re unaware of the Titan hurling your way until it’s too late. Armin and you catch it once it flies over your heads, but when you try to warn Jean about it, the Titan crashes too close in front of him and causes him to fall out of his horse. Jean crashes onto the ground with the back of his head smacking the ground first, the harsh impact makes him go limb, and causes your own heart to clench as your eyes widen out of fear of the worst.

“Jean!” You bellow as you jump off your horse without thinking, not caring for what could be lurking around, or what could crash nearby. Armin called out for you, he wanted you to be careful since you were defenseless, but all you cared about was Jean. Knowing if he was alright was your priority, it took over everything else and made it all less significant. It was selfish, you knew, but you were afraid to lose him like you lost Marco. “Jean!”

Come on please be alright.

You fell beside him and quickly cradled him in your arms, not fretting to lift him up to bring his chest close to your ear so you could try to hear his heartbeat—come on, come on, not you too, please not you too—you kept thinking as you pressed your ear against his chest, and held in your breath so that sound wouldn't get in the way of what you were trying to hear.

“Y/N—”

You raise your finger in front of Armin's face to cut him off as you anxiously wait, finding yourself closing your eyes while you wait for what feels like an eternity. You longed to hear what you craved so anxiously that once the sound of his heart beating echoed in your ears, it felt like music to your ears. You were filled with overwhelming relief and happiness that a soft whimper escaped your lips as you released that breath of air you had trapped in your lungs, feeling a smile tug on your lips as well. “He’s alright,” you assure Armin. “He’s alive.”

“Okay,” Armin nods, letting out a relieved breath of his own before his hands wrap around your arm to help you to your feet as you had Jean unconscious in your arms. “We—” Armin cuts himself off as he catches the Titan coming your way over his shoulder. He’s then filled with dread and worry since he sees that none of your horses were nearby. You were all left defenseless and in more danger than before. “Come on,” he urges you as he pulls you away from the open field and stops under a tree.

Armin let’s go of your arm and steps in front of you to try his best at protecting Jean and you from the Titan who posed a threat before you. You wanted to try anything, you wanted to help Armin as he waved his blade at the Titan, but all you could do was hear the chaos that was happening around, feel the thumps of the Titans stomps as they rattled the earth below you; but all you did was watch soldiers die by Titans, notice the old man they called Hannes get torn apart by the Titan he had tried to kill. You caught Mikasa and Eren on the ground, seeming to share a moment they probably thought was their last as that same Titan reached for them too.

All that came to mind again was if this was the end? After all the trouble Reiner had gone through to take you with him, to keep you safe, now you were closer to death again all because of his doings, not only you but every single one of your friends—his friends once upon a time too.

Death seemed certain again, and even if the beautiful painted evening sky brought you comfort in this close brink to death. Death was still something you didn’t want. That no one wanted. But what could you do but face it?

Nothing.

You were weaponless, injured, exhausted and stuck with Jean unconscious in your arms and Armin trying to protect the both of you with a hand grabbing yours while with the other he waved his sword at the mindless Titan. It wouldn't do anything, he knew that, but he was trying to keep you safe because he was afraid that if he left, if even for a second, that another Titan would grab Jean and you while he was too far to do something about it. You’d do the same you did admit, so you didn’t urge him to do something else. You held onto his hand and found comfort in that too.

But nevertheless, as death was just around the corner, suddenly everything went silent, every chaotic movement came to an abrupt stop and something in the air seemed to shift. The eyes of the Titan that had been in front of you shifted and looked directly past you, it’s body freezing for a split second before it stood up and it, and every other Titan that surrounded the area went running past you. The sudden change left you with your mouth agape and when you looked at what they were suddenly focusing on, the sight of them pouncing on the Titan that had once threatened Eren, and Mikasa only surprised you furthermore.

“What the,” you gasp, unable to finish your sentence from your disbelief.

“I think Eren did that,” Armin mused whilst he stood up with his hand still around yours.

You stood up too and couldn’t tear your eyes from the gory scene. “What exactly did he do?”

“I don’t know,” Armin shrugged, “but whatever it was, it has the Titans distracted,” he paused and tugged you with him. “Let’s go before they finish their meal.”

Not hesitating to listen to what Armin instructed, you hurried and climbed onto approaching horses and secured Jean behind you so he wouldn't fall. Seconds after though, there was another shift, this time instead of eating the Titan, their attention changed to Reiner and Bertholdt, and they began chasing them away, leaving the Scouts goal to once again come into play—“Full retreat!” Commander Erwin shouted at the top of his lungs once he saw Eren secured on a horse.

Again you tried your best not to look behind you as you continued your path back home, but it was impossible to keep yourself from at least stealing a last glance back. Doing so as expected hurt every fiber of your body and broke your heart more. You once would’ve been worried and panicked to help Reiner, but now, as your eyes fell on his Titan all you saw was a traitor and an enemy. As heartbreaking as it was to urge that thought in your mind, it was true and you couldn’t shake it off. The one thing you did feel pity for was seeing Ymir return towards the struggling pair, you didn’t know why she did so considering Historia was riding with all of you, but she did, and unknowingly it was the last time any of you would see her.

——

“Cherry!”

You pull your eyes away from Commander Erwin being taken away by the medical staff, to see Levi hastily approaching you.

The sight of his face brings a small tired smile to your face, but the exhaustion doesn’t keep you from meeting him halfway and throwing your arms around his neck to pull him in for a much needed embrace. Levi is as always surprised by the gesture, but he, as always, returns the embrace. “How are ya, kid?” He whispers as he moves a hand to the back of your neck to keep you close. “What the hell happened? You had me worried.”

Your bottom lip trembles at his questions, but you fight every nerve in your body to keep yourself from breaking down in front him. Instead you hold onto him tighter and bury your head in the crook of his neck, proceeding to mumble out your response against his shoulder. “I’m okay. I’m,” you pause to draw out a shaky breath. “okay.” You pull away, and offer him an assuring smile that he couldn’t tell was forced and hiding your real emotions behind it because it was well hidden by the darkness that the night brought. For once you were grateful for that.

“Actually,” Hange interjected out of nowhere. “Y/N, might’ve suffered a mild concussion considering that she hit the back of her head after Reiner, and Bertholdt transformed.”

Levi’s eyes snap towards Hange, and the grip he had around your arms tightened as they continued. “She also might have gotten a cut, or a small bump.”

“Hange,” you hiss as you pull away from Levi, and shoot them an intimidating and burning glare.

Said person just shrugs and excuses their reason for saying the truth to Levi. “I’m sorry, but I had to, I knew you wouldn't have said anything Cherry. You would’ve had me worried.”

You cross your arms over your chest and huff out, “tsk. I’m okay.” You begin to walk away from the pair and avert Levi’s scolding glare. “I’m going to go check on Jean now. Okay? Goodnight.”

“Hey, brat where you are going.” Levi protests after you, preparing to tackle you down if the need arises. “Come back here.”

You wave at them both and quicken your pace to run from their overbearing worry, but Hange is quick to grab your arm and drag you away with them both. “Come on,” they say, “let’s get you bandaged, fed and put to bed.”

“Huh? I’m not a child,” you sneer through gritted teeth.

“No,” Hange agrees, parting their lips to continue with a lighthearted comment but getting interrupted by Levi beforehand.

“But you are acting like one.” He scoffs. “And if you don’t want to be treated like one, cooperate.”

Hange leans their head towards you to bring their lips close to your ear to whisper something Levi wouldn't hear. “You know what I think?” They smile softly, “I think he loves treating you like a little girl. He misses it.”

You glance down at their hand around your arm and then meet their gaze, raising a quizzical brow to silently question their own actions with a simple look they understood by proceeding to just drop your arm with a nervous giggle. “Why don’t we hurry on up before you collapse on us, yeah?”

You sigh, and hide your threatening smile. “Whatever.”

——

“Fuck.” He groans softly, “what a fucking headache.” He rubs his forehead with the pad of his fingers and let’s out another soft groan while he groggily sits up in his bed. “Fuck.” He lowers his hands and rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands, dropping them to his sides seconds after and letting out a deep sigh as he stretched out every sore limb he could. His eyesight slowly cleared and he fully took in the small room that wasn’t his, but was forced to stay in for an injury he thought irrelevant. He thought of laying back down for a minute longer, but as he dropped his hands to the mattress a sound he suddenly picked up on in the room made him freeze. He was afraid to turn and identify what it was he heard, but he gives himself a quick confidence boost and slowly turns his head to see…you.

At first he thought this was some dream, like a very weird dream, but after he rubs his eyes again and his vision clears, he still sees you asleep on a chair. Regardless, he still didn’t believe you were here, so he closed his eyes again to see if it would clear things up. But no, everything was undeniably clear, you were balled up on a chair with drool running down your chin, and a hand hanging down from said chair. His eyes followed what your fingers hovered over and he wasn’t surprised to see a book you had dropped after he assumed you passed out.

But, why? Why were you here?

He was surprised to say the least, he was also beginning to feel something else he couldn’t describe, but he didn’t try to investigate that further when his question still remained unanswered. But he also didn’t try to wake you up to ask you directly, he saw you too peacefully sleeping in the uncomfortable wooden chair to try. Instead he quietly swung his legs over the bed to slide off the edge and slide his feet into some slippers.

However once he was on his feet, that's when he faced a small predicament. He didn’t know what to do, he’s never had someone asleep in his room; he knew he didn’t want to leave you alone in the room, that’d be rude, but he was truly lost. His eyes scanned the room to try and find what to do, finding no solution until they landed on your book on the floor. He then thought of picking it off the floor, carefully making sure to tiptoe backwards to throw said object on his bed, it was then that he finally noticed a small box on the bedside table.

He caught himself staring at it for a moment out of curiosity, seeing a small note attached to the box with his name elegantly written on the parchment. He walked towards it to reach for it, but before his fingers could touch the box, from the corner of his eyes he caught you waking up almost as if someone had scared you awake. He turns to face you and shortly thereafter it doesn’t take you long at all to sit up and face him too.

“Oh, Jean you’re awake, finally.” You greet him with a faint smile. “I’ve been waiting for some time now. You had me worried.”

Jean scoffs and crosses his arms over his chest. “Oh I’m sure you were very worried,” he remarks as he points to the drool dribbling down your chin. Your face burns and you’re quick to take out your cloth from your cardigans pocket to wipe it all off.

“Not like you can speak,” you retort and point at his bed head

Jean quickly brushes his fingers through his hair and does the best he can to fix it before he gives up and just ends up looking at you again. “Whatever,” he sighs out, “it doesn’t matter. What are you doing here?”

You stretch out your arms and let out a long yawn before you stand on your feet and stretch the rest of your limbs, hearing bones crack after that uncomfortable nap. “Well after waking up from some sleep, I came to make sure you’d wake up.” You explain as you walk past Jean, feeling his eyes follow your figure as you stop by his bedside table.

“Why?” He couldn’t help but ask.

You pick the box off the table and slowly turn to meet his gaze and give him an answer with a small smile on your features. “Because I was worried.”

Jean's eyes narrowed on you and he lets out a lighthearted scoff as if he had heard the most absurd thing ever.

“What?” You question with the box in your hands.

“So what?” Jean huffs out, “you waited for me to wake up to check if I was fine?” He leans towards you, showing that weird face he makes when he's mocking someone, before also letting out a breathless laugh. “You’re joking.”

“No,” you roll out slowly in confusion to his behavior. “Why would I be? I was worried for you Jean.” You tilt your head and your smile widens. “Is your head okay? Or are you suffering some sort of mild confusion after hitting your head?”

“No,” Jean scoffs out, whilst his eyes study your face to see if you’d crack and just laugh and say you were joking, to wait for the mocking remark, but when he noticed you weren’t joking, that your smile didn’t fall and the genuine look in your eyes didn’t didn’t change, he was the one that changed. The amusement slowly fell from his face, and his eyes flickered away the intensity they usually carried to slowly widen and show the hundreds of different emotions racing in his mind. He couldn't believe what he heard. He knew you cared to some degree, because after all you were best friends, but he didn’t know you cared so much as to wait for him to wake up after getting hurt.

Jean just couldn’t believe that he actually had someone who cared for him like that. He had seen this gesture once not so long ago (like days ago), and he was upset—jealous, because he wanted that specific person to care for him like that, but once he saw that she never even batted an eye his way he got slightly upset. Yet, now he was slowly coming to realize, as you stood in front of him with the small box in your hands, and a sweet smile on your face, that he was always looking the wrong way, that he hadn’t noticed that the person who cared that much for him was right in front of him. You.

Jean saw you now.

He noticed your eyes seeming to gleam brighter by the sun's beams peeking through the window and his heart did this weird flip inside his chest, and your smile made his stomach…flutter. For the first time it seemed that he actually opened his eyes, it even seemed that every color that surrounded him grew brighter, more beautiful, he even swore he could hear a sweet and nice melody in his head, something he hadn’t felt before. No. It felt different before, not as exciting or heart racing. The only problem was that he didn’t know what it was that he was beginning to feel. He didn’t want the feelings to go away, but he couldn’t necessarily identify them yet. Could you?

“You-you w-were worried?” Jean stammered out. Not at all making it any obvious of what he felt—way to go Jean.

“Obviously,” you scoff as you squint your gaze on his stunned face. “Why wouldn't I be? Hey are you sure you’re okay, maybe you hit your head a little harder than expected.”

Jean snapped from his stupor, blinking to drop his gaze while he took a step back and assured your concern. “I’m fine.” Instead he chose to focus on the box in your hands. “What is that?”

“Oh, right,” you glance down at the box and push it towards him, lifting your gaze to meet his. “I made this for you. I know you hate getting pampered, but I wanted to make you a small care package.” You smile sweetly. “To thank you for saving me, and because you’re hurt.” You want to fiddle with your fingers due to how flustered you felt, but the box in your hands made it impossible. “There's some soup I made for the headache,” you smile wider and notice that not once has he pulled his gaze away. You only wondered what was going through his head. “Trust me it works, Hange would make it for me all the time. And there's also stuff for the pain and tea packets. Just don’t tell the others, okay? I didn’t make the rest any.”

“Oh,” Jean says while he took the box from your hands and lowered his head to hide the blush that crept on his cheeks. “Thank you. Shouldn’t you be getting one of these too? Considering.”

You scoff and walk past him to grab your book and silently judge his unmade bed. “I’ve been pampered enough. Levi wouldn't leave my side since I got back, and he also lectured me.” You stroke your chin and continue, “It’s good he doesn’t know why Reiner kidnapped me.”

“Why did he take you?” Jean probed.

You drop your hand to your side, and look at Jean over your shoulder and don’t answer with the full truth. “Cause he said they could use me in his hometown,” you shrug, “whatever that means.”

“Or was it because he’s obsessed?” Jean snapped bitterly.

You slowly turn on your heels to face him, but avoid his stare. “It doesn’t matter,” you deadpan. “He’s gone and he didn’t get what he wanted. None of that matters anymore.” You draw in a deep breath and feel your exhale tremble with emotions the subject quickly brought up, but you made sure to hide it all before Jean could pick up on it. You hadn’t let yourself think much of it. You knew it wasn’t ideal, you knew you were going to crack eventually and feel it all at once, but you didn’t want to face those feelings yet. You were just letting the pressure build. Unfortunately so.

“And how are you feeling about that?” Jean asks what you knew he’s been dying to know.

You shrug and clench onto your book. “I’m over it.” You offer him an assuring smile he doesn’t believe. “I’m fine—”

“Y/N,” he cuts you off, sounding a bit more demanding, “tell me.”

“Jean, I’m fine.” You insist and tug your smile wider. “Really. Now let’s go get breakfast, or what’s leftover.”

Jean stands in the middle of the room as he watches you walk to the door. He wants to press on the matter, but he also doesn't know how to really ask you of your feelings. So he lets it go. Even if he regrets it.

“Also,” you continue with a genuine grin as you wait for him to join you outside of the room. “Can we talk about how impressive it was when you swooped in to save Mikasa? I mean wow, you should be proud! I mean, I am.” You smirk and nudge his elbow once he falls beside you. “This might be the moment where she finally talks to you.”

“Heh,” he feigns a laugh. “Sure.” His eyes drift to your face and he can’t help but smile as he catches yours.

*1 WEEK LATER*

“In the past I've done things. Bad things that are irredeemable. Things that I’m ashamed of.”—“I guess I wanted to know,” he exhales deeply, “if you’d hate me if I told you what I’ve done. If you’d forgive me?”

It all made sense now. You understood the meaning behind Reiners words that played on a constant loop in your head, your own naiveness in that moment made you nauseous now. The memory of kissing him, of feeling butterflies every time he was close, or walked into a room made you feel disgusted. Not in him, but in yourself.

You wanted to forget, tear the memory of him from your brain and poison every happy piece of memory with the truth of what he was, but one week wasn't going to do that. Perhaps no measure of time was going to cure all the dreadful feelings that plagued your heart and mind. Keeping yourself from crying wasn’t as hard as trying to forget, but it was still a chore, you’ve managed to stop crying every time you were alone, but you still did so at night under your covers, and sometimes when the feelings got too heavy for you to carry, you had to escape to your own space. Like now.

The night was chilly, the skies were clear and showing off the beauty of the shining stars, but bitter and annoying wind gusted past your balled up body on top of the castle's walls. The tears that rolled down the curve of your cheeks were swept away by the gusts of wind that broke through the material of your sweater's hood to howl in your ears. You could also hear other sounds that accompanied the nighttime besides the wind, like crickets chirping on the ground, and leaves from the trees flapping about while everything else fell asleep to wait for the break of dawn. The only sound that stood out and you picked up on was the creak of the door as someone pushed it open.

You debated looking back, you didn’t want to talk to anyone right now, but your curiosity got the best of you and you carefully peeked your eyes over your shoulder to spot that Jean had been the culprit of breaking the silence of the night. He didn’t say anything, he stepped past the door and let it close behind him. You could see his eyes try to find your face under your hood, but you turned your head before he could see your tears and puffy red eyes. And since he didn’t say a word, you broke his silence. “I saw him ride in, I’ll talk to him later.”

The sound of Jean’s lips parting sounded in your ears, but he still couldn’t find words. He just knew right away that the usual chirpy demeanor you carried wasn’t present; you didn’t greet him with a smile, a witty joke, or a stupid nickname. He even noticed how you were sitting, it was something that would pass by him before, but now as he saw you hugging your knees and resting your chin on your kneecaps, it clicked that you did this when you were upset. Seeing you like you were, made him want to speak up, but he couldn’t figure out what exactly to say. Or really he didn’t know what to say. All he thought of doing was joining you on top of the castle wall.

Albeit once you heard him sit beside you, you turned your head and looked the other way to hide your eyes. “Do you need something?” You mutter.

“I noticed you missed dinner,” he finally managed to speak as he handed you an apple.

You take the apple off his hands before you shrug and clear your throat. “I wasn't hungry.” You sigh and try to push him away to be alone again. “I’ll be inside in a minute.”

Jean glances at the ground below, noticing it was a far distance from where you both were. He couldn’t help but wonder how you found sitting up here so comforting, with one look down he already felt his stomach churn. Yet he didn’t move to walk away like you wanted, he scooted closer to you and continued to pester you. “What are you doing up here all alone?”

“Looking at the stars,” you mumble, your eyes definitely not even getting a glimpse of the sky.

“Oh? Well you know the stars are in the sky, right? Not on the wall.” Jean said, mustering an airy laugh that made you turn your head to look ahead instead.

And with your hood on Jean couldn’t tell if your eyes were lifted, but it did give him the chance to lean in and grab your chin to turn your head so you would be facing him instead. That’s when he took note of what you wanted to hide. He saw the tear streaks on your face, your red gleaming eyes and the sad frown on your lips. Knowing he noticed made you want to cry more—stupid—you thought whilst you shoved his hand away and looked away again.

“What’s wrong?” He instantly asked in a more firm voice.

“Nothing,” your voice quivers. You put the apple away in your hoodie pocket to rest your chin on your knees, whilst you bite the inside of your cheeks for a brief moment to fight the need to cry at the simple yet meaningful question. You had to close your eyes, but that just made the tears roll down. “I’ll be in a minute.” You insist. But he doesn’t move, he stays quiet. And even if his stubbornness made you angry, you were glad he didn’t listen. It lets you open your eyes and finally lift your head after a couple of quiet minutes to ask a question. Or at least the beginnings of one. “Jean, you said you’d be honest with me right?” You sniffle and let your eyes drag to the corner to see him already looking at you.

He nods, “right.”

“Well,” you swallow thickly, “then please be honest. Do you think I’m strong?”

Jean blinks and his eyebrows furrow to express confusion and concern to the vulnerability in your voice and face. It made him answer with a stupid answer instead of with the truth that he already had in his head. “What?”

You hook your fingers together and look away from him to clarify what you thought was clear. “Do you honestly think I’m strong? I asked Levi, y’know, but well of course he’s going to answer with what I want to hear, he raised me. So please be honest with me.” You draw out a shaky breath before looking at him again to finish your sentence. “Don’t lie.”

Jean nods and parts his lips to assure you with the truth in a tone of voice that was soft at first. It sounded weird to hear him speak like that….yet you couldn’t help but like it. “Of course. I mean,” his eyes widened with excitement. “You’re just like Captain Levi and Mikasa. Somehow. So yeah I think you are strong.” He wanted to add a lighthearted and joking comment but he saved it for later instead.

Nonetheless you still scoff and look away from him. So maybe he should’ve added the joke—“if I was like them, I would’ve done what was right, I would’ve known that Reiner and Bertholdt were our enemies all along.” You began to rant with anger seeping through your voice the more you continued. “We could’ve avoided all those deaths. Erwin wouldn’t have lost his arm if I was strong. But I’m not. Because even if I’m physically strong, I’m actually weak. I’ve always been. I mean,” you huff out with frustration. “I couldn’t even fathom the thought that they were traitors even if that’s what I was sent to do. And I should've known,” you scoff. “I mean…” you pause and shake your head. “I was close to Reiner. He said stuff that should’ve stood out. But it didn’t because I trusted him.”

“So what?” Jean quieres after, “you’re weak because you trusted people?”

You turn your head and meet his gaze to answer, but before you could agree he continued. “You’re weak because you’re kind?” Jean doesn’t let you answer, he exhales deeply and holds your gaze, his own voice expressing frustration and a hint of sadness. “They were our friends, and you liked Reiner as more than…one. I don’t think that makes you weak. Caring doesn’t make you weak. I,” he pauses and swallows thickly. Through the light of the stars above, you saw his cheeks turn pink, you didn’t know why, but they did. And instead of continuing with that comment, he flickered his eyes away and smoothly changed the subject. “If you think that makes you weak, then we all are because we all trusted them. But you’re not weak, I mean,” he smiles and slides his eyes over to meet yours, “you risked your own life to help me when I was unconscious.”

Your lips tug into a faint smile and you shake your head to add onto his comment. “I think that qualifies me as brave.”

“Stupid actually,” he scoffs lightheartedly, his smile tugging wider. “You’re strong because after all the people you’ve lost, you keep fighting. After all that’s happened in the past couple of months, you’ve remained yourself, you still have a smile on your face…” he pauses again and once more changes the subject as smoothly as possible. Hiding what he really wanted to say. “You’re strong. And I don’t say that about everyone, so cherish it.”

You giggle, and share a lingering gaze and a sweet smile, before you let go of your knees and let your legs slide down to let them hang them over the edge. You leaned in towards him and caused him to blush harder because of how close you were. You were oblivious to it, but he definitely noticed how close your face was to his. He even grew rigid and nervous. But again you didn’t notice. Instead you proceeded to make him more so with your question. “Jean, can I hug you?”

Said guy nods without hesitance, his blush blazing brighter but luckily not pointed out as you wrapped your arms around his neck, and he slowly peeled his arms away from his side to wrap one arm under your arms, and the other one around your shoulders.

It took a couple of seconds for either of you to find the embrace comfortable, it was just such a weird gesture from either of you. Yes, you were best friends, but physical comfort never went this far, if you ever needed comfort like this, you always had Marco. Plus Jean was a bit prideful so he never accepted comfort, or actually showed his emotions to anyone. Sure he got frustrated, but he never let people see him be down, not until the funeral pyres, even then you both comforted each other with half hugs. And it was fine, neither of you minded it, but that was the reason why it felt so weird being so close to one another, so stiff.

At first of course. Because as strange as it felt for the first few seconds, now it felt…nice. So nice. It felt amazing, like you could be in his arms for hours. His body radiated a warmth that engulfed your entire body as he pressed you closer. It felt so comforting, and safe; the way an arm wrapped under your arms with his hand gently balling the material of your shirt, while the other arm stayed wrapped around your shoulders and his hand slowly slid to the back of your neck and the pad of his thumb gently caressed the skin.

His hands also felt soft and not rough and dry. He also smelled nice. Being in his hold made you wonder why you’ve never done this before, sure Marco gave good hugs, but they didn’t compare to this one. It felt as if you both were in much need of each other’s comfort because you even felt him relax into your embrace. He was hesitant at first, you felt that by the way he had felt so stiff at first, but after a few seconds you felt his whole body just completely give in, you even heard him sigh out as if all the weight had been lifted from his body.

Neither of you wanted to let go.

“Thank you,” you broke the comfortable silence. “For saving me and for being honest with me.”

“Thank you for helping me,” he interjected softly, “I didn’t tell you before, but thank you.”

“Always.” You grin, “I’ll always help you. I can’t lose you too.”

Jean’s breath hitches and his hold around you tightens. There's a slight tension that you did feel, so you were quick to break it before it got thicker. “Also, your hands are very soft.”

He huffs out, “thanks?”

You smirk. “It almost feels as if you haven’t worked a day in your life.”

At that comment Jean instantly pulls away from the hug, placing his hands on your shoulders and pulling his head back as he scoffs out offended and bewildered. “Excuse me?! What did you just say nerd?”

You shrug innocently. “That your hands are soft?”

“What about your hands?” He argues as his eyes narrow on you.

Your grin proudly and you pull out your hands in front of the both of you to slowly turn them so he could see both sides. “Egg yolks, oatmeal and raw honey work. I use them all the time.”

Jean drops his hands from your shoulders and a smug grin of his own grows on his face. “Well I,” he points to his chest, “unlike other guys, I actually know what self care is.”

“Is that so?” You snicker while you swing your legs over the wall and slide down to the land on the stone floor.

“Obviously,” Jean puffs his chest out, “it’s what makes me a great guy.”

You look at him over your shoulder and express a teasing laugh as you watch him also land on the floor behind you. He falls by your side and just rolls his eyes at your teasing laugh. And before he could add a remark, your laugh dies down and your grin falls to a faint smile as you bring up something you had in mind to tell him. “I wanted to ask if you wanted to come with me tomorrow to where Marco and I would hangout. I just made him something, and it’s going to be our last day here tomorrow and I don’t know when we’ll return so I just want to do something small.”

“Oh,” Jean’s own smile falls. “Yeah,” he nods in agreement. “I’ll go with you.”

“Good,” you smile softly, “I've been meaning to go for sometime, but I couldn’t muster the courage until now.” You turn to walk back inside, but before you do something else comes up. “Oh and bring extra clothes, we’re doing something after.”

“What?” He inquired curiously.

“It’s a surprise.” You finally continue with your path back inside, but before you could open the door Eren does so first.

“Y/N, Captain Levi is,” Eren pauses and his eyes narrow on your face, making his comment change. “Are you crying?” He snaps his eyes to Jean and his gaze turns to a raging glare. “What did you do to her, Jean?!”

Jean scoffs, “nothing! Why would you assume that?!”

You walk past Eren and leave both boys to talk amongst themselves with a soft and happy smile on your face.

——

“When you said we were coming here, I thought it was just going to be the two of us.” Jean whispers in your ear as he glares at all of your closests friends following behind you.

Your eyebrows pinch together while you turn to look at Jean with your lips pursed together. “They were all Marco's friends too Jean.” You smile and look at Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Connie, Sasha, and at Historia slowly lagging behind the group. “He would’ve loved the company.” You shift your eyes back to Jean and narrow your gaze on him as he rolls his head to look back ahead in annoyance. “You’ve been acting weird lately, Jean. Are you sure you’re okay?” You point out, noticing that the question made his shoulders stiff and his eyes wide.

Said guy doesn’t meet your gaze and just nods before looking away and asking you a question that the breeze carried out. “We almost there?”

You look ahead and spot the big green tree that poked out of the tall green grass that you were walking through, you had spotted it for a mile now and the farther you got, the more you knew you were close; you could hear the running lake that the tree was rooted by, and the familiar sound made you want to run forward like you had done many times before. But you waited and just picked up your pace, having to look over your shoulder as Armin nervously spoke up.

“Y/N, you asked for permission to come out here, right?”

Your lips tug to a smirk and you throw a thumbs up that doesn’t reassure the boy whatsoever. “Of course,” you continue to assure him. “I wouldn't leave without permission.”

“Then why did we leave so early?” Mikasa quiered.

“Because,” you smile sweetly, “we need to enjoy the full day before we have to go into hiding. Trust me I saw the to-do list on Levi’s desk, we’re going to need this.”

“To-do list?” Sasha probed with concern.

Eren looked back at her and said what you were going to respond with. “Welcome to the Levi squad, besides fighting Titans we’re also a cleaning unit. You’ll have fun.”

“Loads of it,” you snicker as you look back ahead and notice that you were now out of the grass field and seeing the big tree, and blue gleaming lake for the first time in three years. The sight of something so meaningful to you made your smile fall to a frown, and brought tears to your eyes. You stopped in your tracks not seconds after your eyes fell on the scene ahead, and everyone else stopped behind you. Nobody pushed you to move forward, they let you reminisce on the memories that began to surface in your head.

They were all so sweet and nostalgic now. They were heartbreaking knowing that the boy you had met here would no longer be able to come back again like he said he would. You would no longer hear his laugh that echoed quietly with the memories that played in your head, you would no longer see his smile every time he came here to enjoy the sun, or the refreshing lake on a hot summer day. Marco was gone and he would no longer be able to draw out what you both found in your field journals, he wouldn’t be here to talk to you anymore. He was gone and all you had were memories of him. Old memories that wouldn’t be replaced by new ones.

“Come on,” you say to everyone as you walk towards the tree, stopping just in front of its trunk to smile softly at the names that were carved on the bark. Tears wanted to break through, but you held them back while you felt the carving of Marcos name under your fingertips as you gently ran your hand over it. Your name was carved out besides his and you couldn’t help but notice that they seemed to be carved a lot lower than you remembered.

“Marco, you came!” The memory of your voice played.

“Of course!” You remembered him smile as he saw you hang down from the tree branch. “I’ll always come.”

Your smile wobbled at the playing memory, but before you could let yourself cry you slid the bag strap off your shoulder, and opened the flap to pull out a small headstone. You followed by kneeling down on the grass, and placing the headstone on the ground beside you to begin digging a small crater on the ground; not caring that your pants or your hands were going to get dirty. And at first you were doing the task alone, but soon thereafter Eren knelt down beside you and helped you as Jean’s concentration got lost on the carving of Marcos name.

Digging the hole didn’t take long since it wasn’t deep, the hardest part was finally placing the small headstone down and tucking it in its place. The hardest part of this was reading the words you had struggled to carve on the small headstone that read; “May you always Rest In Peace Marco Bodt. A beloved Son, Brother, Friend and Soldier.”—however, even then you refused to cry. Instead you smiled softly as you placed down a partially bloomed yellow rose that was surrounded by white lilies.

Before you stood up to let the others place what they had brought, you kiss the tip of your fingers and gently press them on the headstone and linger on the ground a bit longer. “You’ll always be special to me my beloved friend,” you whisper before you push yourself to your feet, feeling Jean’s hand fall on your shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. You looked at him and smiled, lifting your own hand to cup his before you shifted your gaze to watch the rest of your friends place flowers, or personal items that they brought to place on Marcos grave. The only person that was left to place something down was Jean, you didn’t expect him to, if he wanted to, or if he didn’t, then it was his choice, he was here that's all that mattered.

What he did end up doing however, was walk towards it and crouch down to carefully stroke his hand over the headstone, he stayed like that for a couple of minutes before he stood back up and fell by your side again. After that a long silence was shared for Marco, where all there was to hear was the running lake beside the tree, the birds singing in the distance and the gentle breeze swirling in the sky. The silence lasted for a while after, before you quietly broke it. “Thank you all for coming,” you smile sadly as you step back to face them all. “I appreciate it and I know he would too.” Your sad smile turns to a small grin and you take another step back. “Now there are some things we still have to do before we have to head back, so let’s go!” You walk past the group and the tree to trudge on ahead towards your last destination.

“Where exactly are we going?” Connie asks for the rest of the group. “You’ve been cagey about it. And I know I joke around with you, but it’s all lighthearted fun, okay? So please don’t hurt me.”

You look at him over your shoulder and shoot him a pointed gaze before you look back ahead and finally announce where you were taking them. “We’re going to a waterhole close by. It’s a place where I and some of the veteran Scouts like Miche, Hange, Moblit, Nanaba and others would come on their days off. It’s very fun.”

The walk lasted a bit longer since your destination wasn’t far from where the tree was, and instead of walking in silence this time, small conversations were had behind you, you could hear your friends laugh and joke around as they followed you, even Historia as quiet as she had been was heard speaking to Mikasa. Even Jean and Eren were having a civil talk amongst themselves for once. All while you walked in a peaceful silence, and with a small smile on your face as you enjoyed the warm beams of sun hitting your skin, and heard birds chirping on the trees that you saw coming ahead.

When you walked through the small patch of woods that had the waterhole at the end of its treeline, you saw a fallen down tree and you jumped on the log and walked on it, stretching out your hands at your sides to better balance yourself on top as you looked overhead to see more birds singing up on the trees all around you. You would have kept distracted at the sight of the birds, but the sound of Sasha shouting out help, and Eren and Jean silently arguing pulled your attention to the scene happening behind you. And as expected it was a disaster, Sasha and Connie were holding each other to try and not to fall, whilst Armin took Mikasa down to the ground with him, as expected Eren and Jean were trying to race each other and trying to push each other off, but they both ended up falling, and the only one who made it across and landed perfectly by your side was Historia.

You smacked your lips and turned your head to share a teasing look with Historia before you both shared a smile and turned to walk off without them. “It’s just down this path,” you told her as you guided her, and the rest of the group catching up behind you, down a marked path. And once you finally reached the end of the treeline there it was, a beautiful blue waterhole; it wasn’t that big nor deep which made it perfect to swim in. Which also reminded you, “you guys know how to swim right?” You ask as you turn to look at the group.

They all nod and Jean steps forward to interrogate you. “Do you know how to swim?”

“Of course,” you scoff as you flash him a smug grin before you turn to walk to a poorly made shed just feet away from a man-made ramp, built down the slope that led to the water. “Hange taught me.” You finish sharing with him whilst you enter the shed and come back out with four wooden boards. “There aren't enough boards for everyone so we have to pair up.” You throw them all except for one down on the ground, proceeding to throw your bag to the side to begin kicking off your shoes, and pull your socks off before you take off your clothes and strip to the swimsuit you had underneath. When you return your gaze to the group you see them do the same, and catch Jean tearing his eyes away from you before you caught him. Luckily for him.

And with partners in mind, you consider Eren just because you knew how competitive he could be, but as you step towards him Jean blocks your path. “We can go down together.”

“Ah,” you smile nervously as your eyes fall on his toned abs and chest for a second—that’s impressive…wow. I've never seen him without a shirt on. Wow—you catch yourself thinking to yourself before you quickly blink to meet his gaze, “I was going to,” you pause and look beside him to catch Armin had beat you to Eren, your eyes shift Mikasa for better speed down the ramp, but Historia got to her first, so you had no choice. “Fine,” you breathe out as you pull the board closer to you and walk towards the top of the ramp. “I would come here with Marco and the rest of the veteran Scouts on the hot days to race down the ramps, or simply have fun.” You grin as you reminisce about the memories and turn to face your friends who were listening behind you. “It was fun just like mud sledding.”

“Mud sledding?” Armin quieres.

“Hmm,” you nod, “in the rainy season we would go to this hill not far from the grounds and slide down them.” You scratch the back of your head and sigh as you remember the worst part. “Albeit having to wash outside wasn’t fun, but Levi would get mad otherwise.”

“Let’s do it sometime!” Eren beams.

Your grin widens and you nod excitedly before you continue by placing the board on top of the ramp, and holding it in place with your foot. “Who wants to go first?” You ask, but see no volunteers, instead they urge you to go first after they take a step back. “Fine,” you groan—it’s not like we’re going to die—you look at Jean over your shoulder and smirk. “You trust me right?”

Said guy narrows his eyes on you and lingers in silence for a moment before he sighs out and nods. “Do I have a choice?”

“Nope.” You beam as you sit down on the board and then catch Jean standing still beside you. “What?” You question as you look up to him.

“I want to be in front,” he complains.

Your face twists into an annoyed expression and you scoff before you rebuttal his comment. “Have you done this before?” You don’t let him answer and do so for him. “No, so stop being a man about it and sit behind me.”

“Fine,” Jean grumbles as he hides his blush and does as you say, being hesitant as he wraps his hands around your waist.

“Okay, ready?” You ask happily.

Jean exhales deeply, looking at the water over your shoulder and noticing now how high the ramp was from water, how poorly it was built and how long it all seemed. He doubted this activity after he let his worry surface, but he trusted you so he nodded in agreement. After all, if you said Marco did this, then he could too. “I guess so.” He agreed.

“Okay then!” You beam happily as you tighten your hold on the board and take one last look at Jean. “Hold on!” And before he could back down, you use your legs to push yourselves down, feeling Jean’s hold tighten and your heart race as the adrenaline kicks through your blood. To gain more momentum as you slide down the ramp, you run your feet on the ramp and only throw them out forward once the ramp flies off into the air.

“You’re crazy!” Jean bellows after the board shoots off into the air.

You look behind you and smirk. “That’s exactly what Marco said the first time!” You look back ahead and in that second of time that you were in the middle of the air, just above the water, time seemed to slow down. When you roamed your eyes over the scenery around you, everything seemed much more beautiful, the sky seemed more blue, the sun shone a brighter and a more fierce yellow, and the waterhole appeared to shine like a blue crystal. The wind that rushed past your face while you were out in the middle of the air felt refreshing and freeing. For that slowed down second all the bad things that had happened in the past disappeared, and you were filled with overwhelming joy.

Through all the rush there in the sky, beside you, you caught sight of a beautiful blue butterfly flying overhead. The sight of its flapping wings brought a bigger and brighter smile to your features. You tried to reach for it, but before you could touch it, gravity pulled the board down and the rushing feeling returned time back to normal. And before you could hit the water you let out a happy scream before you pushed yourself off the board to cannonball in the water.

A couple seconds after your dive, you opened your eyes under the water to take in the sight of the deep blue water that surrounded you, catching Jean still under with his eyes squeezed closed, his cheeks blown out like a chipmunks holding in their nuts, and his fingers pinching his nose to hold in his breath while the other hand flapped around. It was a funny sight that made you huff out an admiring smile before you swam towards him and carefully grabbed his face, the feeling of your hands on his cheeks making him peel his eyes open but remain stiff as he stayed under. You shot him a wider and assuring smile and his brown eyes only widened as he held your gaze. You couldn't tell what emotions ran through him, but you did notice that he faintly mirrored your smile before he grabbed your arms and pulled you up to the surface.

“See,” you breathe out as you pull your hands away and run them down your face to wipe the water off your face and eyes. “Not bad.”

He wipes the water off his face before meeting your gaze and nodding. “No you’re right. Terrifying.” He says sarcastically.

You laugh and shake your head before you turn to look up and notice that your friends had been watching and waiting for both Jean and you to resurface. After they got their confirmation their figures disappeared and not seconds later Sasha and Connie came rushing down, both screaming at the top of their lungs and sloppily splashing into the water. After them followed Historia who switched partners and was now with Armin, and as expected she was in the front with a big happy grin on her face before she dove into the water and resurfaced with the same child-like grin; because she just like you forgot the pain from the week before, it might just be for the day, but she let herself enjoy the moment with you and her friends.

“That was so much fun!” She shouted as she threw her arms up in the air and splashed water at Armin and Sasha beside her. “I want to do it again!”

Lastly Eren and Mikasa rushed down the ramp, and even if Mikasa shouldn’t be doing this because of her injury, she tightly held onto Eren as he sat in front. And as much of a brave and strong person as she was in the field, here, as she and Eren rushed down, her eyes were closed, and she pressed her face on his back and had her arms wrapped around his neck. They both had smiles on their faces, with Eren having the bigger grin before they splashed into the water and resurfaced with her.

No matter what had happened before, no matter the pain you all were going through, today, spending time with each other in the water, took away from that and brought an overwhelming happiness to everyone. Everyone was making new memories that would stay with them forever.

“Having fun?”

You look to your side and notice Jean walking up beside you. You nod whilst you rub your hands together to try and get them warmer as the cold water on your body makes you tremble. “Yeah I am, are you?”

Jean wraps a towel around your shoulders before he sits beside you on the log. He nods and follows your line of vision to watch Eren, trying to pull Connie down into the water from their partners shoulders as they play their water game Sasha suggested—“I have to admit, you know how to turn a day fun. At first I thought this was going to be a disaster.”

“Ahaha!” Connie laughs evilly after Eren loses and splashes in the water.

You side eye Jean and express a feigned laugh. “Haha. Always so kind Kirstein.” You return your gaze to the group in the water and hug the towel tighter around your body. “Even if my nose is always in my books, I can be fun, okay? It’s just another one of my good traits.” You look at him and flash him a mocking smile whilst you touch your chest. “It’s what makes me such a great girl.”

Jean's eyes fall on you, and he rolls them as he shakes his head and lightly pushes you to the side, and making you genuinely laugh. After a couple of minutes it dies down and you sit closer beside him to once again look out at your friends in the water with a happy smile on your face.

“Marco would’ve loved this,” Jean muses.

“Yeah,” you assure him in a whisper. “He would’ve.”

Jean's eyes flicker away from your friends and he steals a longing glance at you. He thinks you would be too busy watching Sasha wrestle with Historia that you wouldn't notice, after all he’s never had it happen, but this time it was different, you didn’t catch him staring because he was swift to look away, but you did turn to steal a glance at him. And knowing that, noticing your eyes on him made him smile because you did look back at him. He didn’t know if you knew of his feelings that he’s failed to keep discreet, but he was happy that you looked back at him. It made his heart flutter, and fill with hope that he wasn’t filled with before.

Maybe this time he would get the girl, maybe this time it would be different. And he knew you needed time after what happened with Reiner, but that didn’t bother him, he’d be patient for you. He’d wait. He just hoped that none of the upcoming tragedy, that all these problems you all were going to face wasn’t going to get in the way of that.

Hopefully not.

.

.

.

A/N- let’s hope our jean-boy gets what he wants and gets the girl this time 🤞🏽 let’s hope.

Tagged- @expectoscamander , @greenygreenland , @that-soft-lesbian-friend , @dai-tsukki-desu , @usernamehere91 , @avocadopoosae , @romancried , @victor-criss-bish @moo-moo-meadow

[kylorenisadorkable]

How TROS Failed Rey

These are just my opinions and from my personal perspective, if these things worked for you in the movie then cool, but this is why it was never going to work for me.

A Feminine Power Fantasy

Growing up in the 90s there wasn't a ton of media that had female lead characters. I grew up with strong female characters but they were often relegated to being the token girl of the group (see the Smurfette principle), the story was never centered around them and we never got to experience things from their point of view or really get to know their story. It felt like I was being asked to relate to male characters but boys were never asked or expected to relate to female characters.

Just as young boys see themselves as Luke, leading the adventure I also wanted to see myself as the main character. I wanted to have my own adventures.

When I first saw TFA, I went in knowing nothing about the movie. I had seen the OT and the Prequels as a kid and I had thought they were ok but I wasn't a huge Star Wars fan and in hindsight I really think this was due to the lack of female representation, Leia and Padme are great but I never really felt like I really got to know them as people. Not to mention that these characters are 2 women out of a cast that's predominantly male, it just seemed like the message LF was sending was that Star Wars is for boys, yeah girls can watch it if they want to but this isn't a series that is meant for you. So as you could guess I wasn't really expecting much from these new Star Wars movies, but I was pleasantly surprised.

I fell in love with Rey's character during those first 3 minutes of her introduction. During this brilliant example of “show don't tell,” story telling they were really able to convey so much about Rey's character and personality, I really began to care for her and felt like I understood her, as I could relate to her loneliness and isolation in my own way. And I was excited to see a story from a major fantasy/adventure franchise told from a feminine perspective. It felt like I was finally getting the representation I wanted to see.

So what happened? How did we go from Luke's line “And I will not be the Last Jedi” which is essentially him “passing the torch” to Rey, the next generation, to “One day I will earn your brother's saber?” 

As if the saber didn't already choose her in the Force Awakens? Why did they decide that all of a sudden Rey was unworthy? Didn't Yoda say “that library held nothing that the girl Rey didn't already posses?” which yes was a clever way of saying that Rey already took the jedi texts with her but was also implying that she already had everything she needed within herself to be a jedi (courage, humility, compassion etc...). Why did they take a step backwards in the last movie in the franchise? Insisting that Rey needed to train, that she suddenly wasn't good enough?

I can't say for sure what happened to lead up to this point. Was it just that the creative team gave in to the pressuring of a loud minority of alt-right youtubers and bots. Were they relying on Reddit and Twitter for public opinion rather than doing actual marketing research?  While I think that this was definitely a big factor I think there was just a general misunderstanding of the characters on Terrio's and JJ's part to begin with.

What Does Rey Want/Need?

To know where they went wrong, we have to ask ourselves who is Rey? All characters have a story goal, or the thing they want. By the end of the story the character will either get what they want after some struggles of course or learn that the thing that they want isn't what they need. So what does Rey want?  To understand what she wants we have to first understand her wound or past experience that caused emotional pain and interferes with the character's life. Rey's wound stems from her  abandonment. Along with the wound, comes the concept of the false lie. What is a lie that the character believes about themselves that we as the audience knows is untrue? Rey's lie is first, that her family is going to come back for her. 

The other lie she tells herself is the belief that she is worthless because she was abandoned, as she tells everyone she meets “I'm no one“ or “I'm just a scavenger.”

When Daisy Ridley was asked in an interview why Rey says she's “No One.” Ridley says it's because our relationships to people define so much of who we are and without relationships then who are we?  This makes sense considering that our parents are major influences in our development and in how we think about ourselves through much of our lives.

Rey seeks out parental figures, thinking that through them she'll figure out where she belongs. “Whoever you're waiting for on Jakku, they're never coming back. But there's someone who still could. The Belonging you seek is not behind you. It is ahead.” 

Rey initially believes that Maz is referring to Luke and when she later sets off to find him. She believe that he is going to be able to give her answers, and provide her with the belonging that she longs for, but Luke ultimately ends up disappointing her but finds comfort in her relationship with Ben.

This goes back to the idea that what Rey thinks she wants, Isn't necessarily what she needs. As JJ stated in the directors commentary of The Force Awakens, “So there was a very powerful idea that what she desperately wanted was belonging, which she’ll get, but just not how she expects.”

JJ and Terrio try to fullfill Rey's need through “found family” the family she finds with her friends and the resistance, but I think there is more to Rey's desire of wanting family that can't be satisfied by this alone. Finn, Poe, Leia are definitely a part of her journey in finding belonging but they're not the final piece to the puzzle. Otherwise she would have felt completely fulfilled by the end of The Last Jedi when she is on the Falcon surrounded by her friends.

I think part of Rey's desire for family, is also the desire to be understood, to be “seen.”  Rey even tells Finn in TROS that “People keep telling me they know me. No one does.” We hear Ben's response in the trailer “But I do...” (which was cut from the movie)

Ben has always been shown to be the person who truly “sees” Rey. He sees even the aspects of herself that she doesn't like to acknowledge. Recognizing that her holding on to her parents is affecting her negatively and that if she really wants to “find herself” she needs to let go.

Which is why when Ben says “You have no place in this story. You're nothing. But not to me.” What is really being expressed is “I don't care about where you come from and I see you for who you are.”  

This is why I believe that Ben was always suppose to be the final piece to the belonging Rey is searching for. As their narratives are intertwined. They both satisfy each others needs as characters, Rey's need to be seen for who she is and Ben's need for reconciliation and healing within his family.

Rey Palpatine

Rian Johnson said that when he began working on The Last Jedi, he wrote out all the character's names and next to them wrote what would be the hardest thing for that character to face. For Rey, this was that she needs to stand on her own two feet and define who she is for herself but JJ and Terrio seemed to have misunderstood this as Terrio states that,

“We also thought that Rey’s arc cannot be finished after Episode VIII. You can leave Episode VIII and say, “Well, now, Rey is content. She’s discovered her parents aren’t Skywalkers, or whatever, and that’s fine.” But so much of her personal story was about where she came from, what kept her on Jakku all those years and the trauma that shaped her. We see quite strongly in Episode VII that something mysterious and troubling happened to her. Although she did get some answers in Episode VIII, we didn’t feel that that story was over. We felt that there were still more questions in Rey’s head about where she came from and where she was going. So, that was the other big idea that we had to address in this film. Rian’s answer to, “What’s the worst news that Rey could receive?” was that she comes from junk traders, and that’s true. She does come from junk traders; we didn’t contradict that.”

Rey's conflict wasn't that she came from junk traders. Rey didn't care about “legacy.” Her conflict stemmed from her abandonment. Rey thinks she's “a nobody” not because of her parent's occupation or lineage but because she feels that she must be worthless because why else would her parents give her up? Rey learning that her parents sold her off for drinking money, that they didn't want her, was already a difficult and traumatic truth to overcome. Star Wars is a coming of age story, in the OT Luke grows from being a boy longing for adventure to discovering what it truly means to be a Jedi (following your principles and having a compassionate heart). Rey's journey is about letting go of childhood trauma and discovering her own independence.

It's also strange seeing as JJ had previously stated during The Force Awakens press tour that “I really feel that the assumption that any character needs to have inherited a certain number of midi-chlorians or needs to be part of a bloodline. It's not that I don't believe that as part of the canon, I'm just saying that at 11 years old that wasn't where my heart was. And so I respect and adhere to the canon but I also say that the Force has always seemed to me to be more inclusive and stronger than that.”

And there was still conflict for her to overcome. The one person who she felt truly understood her is now the supreme leader of the first order, will the resistance discover their connection? Will they see her as a traitor? All of this had the potential for great external and internal character conflict, but for some reason they didn't see this as conflict enough to sustain a whole movie?

Instead they gave Luke's character arc in the OT of having a dark side relative to Rey. “Discovering that you actually descended from your adoptive family’s greatest enemy, the same enemy who corrupted Anakin Skywalker and is responsible for the destruction of the Skywalker family in the first place, felt most devastating to us.” This doesn't make any sense to me as it feel like they just gave Rey Luke's internal conflict of being afraid of his dark side, I don't think this was ever a problem for Rey. In fact, in The Last Jedi  she leapt into the dark side cave to face her darkness (her abandonment). Luke even says “You went straight to the dark and you didn't even try to stop yourself.” 

The dark side cave in The Last Jedi was symbolic of Rey coming to terms with her darkness (the parts of herself she wants to hide).  It relates back to Jungian psychology (which much of Star Wars is based on) that people can only become whole through understanding both the light and shadow aspects of their personality. So it doesn't make sense for Rey to be afraid of who she is in the final movie when she just finished a journey where she learned to accept who she was?

Rey Skywalker

Terrio says that the decision to have Rey take on the name “Skywalker” was a way to show that “you can choose your ancestry.” Which is not true and also a strange thing to say considering the trilogy started with this:

But even if this was just awkward phrasing and what Terrio meant to say was that she considers the Skywalkers her family. Does this make sense considering that she didn't have a great relationship with Luke to begin with?

 I've seen it argued that she took the name as a way of honoring Leia but Leia never took the name or considered herself a Skywalker. Also this is another step backwards for Rey's character as The Last Jedi was trying to assert that Rey does not need to keep looking for parental figures to define herself.

So why  must she be a Palpatine, a Skywalker and “all the jedi” anyways? I think this was done for two reasons, the first was because by killing Ben they were going to kill the last of the Skywalker family and they wanted to keep the name tied to the franchise, in case they need the characters for future projects down the line, so they just pushed it onto Rey. The second reason is that I think they were trying to appease the misogynists' who spent the last 4 years calling Rey a “Mary Sue” so they explained her power away through powerful male lineage. It just feels so weird to me, like the creators are saying that we should like Rey not because of who she is as a character but because of who she is in relation to all these other characters we know you like (Luke, Leia, all the jedi that use her as a vessel etc...)

Daisy Ridley has even expressed her frustration with the Rey's lineage debate multiple times, “I love that Rey is such a great character, they’re like: ‘No, no, she has to be… she has to be-’She’s her own person! Let her be her guys, let her live.

Yet even at the end of the final film poor Rey can't seem to catch a break as she's once again asked for her last name. She once again has to justify herself for just existing. Why are surnames suddenly so important in Star Wars now anyways? Shouldn't the correct answer be “just Rey,” now that she's come to accept who she is and where she's come from and shouldn't that be good enough? What happened to the message of anyone can be a hero? That you don't have to come from or align yourself with a powerful family legacy. That we all have the power to make a difference?

TROS seems to be constantly asking Rey to prove herself. And weirdly enough it reminds me in a strange meta way of my own experience being a woman in the fandom and being constantly asked to prove that I'm a “True fan” (whatever the f@#% that means...) to prove that I'm worthy of consuming and participating in this content that male fans feel belongs solely to them.

In Conclusion

So what did our heroine gain in the end? Did she find family and belonging? No. So what does she have in the end? A yellow lightsaber (for merchandising purposes) and a surname of a dead family?  I guess she finally has an answer to give all the nosey nellies, obsessed with ones pedigree that have suddenly popped up all over the galaxy.

It's not a satisfying ending for her, as she's basically right back where she started. Alone, in a desolate desert, once again staring face to face at an old woman (an old woman which at the start of the Force Awakens symbolized her fear of growing old and wasting away her life on Jakku).

Terrio states that  this is not meant to indicate that Rey plans to stay here, “The very last thing Rey would do after all that is to go and live alone in a desert.”  but when that is the last shot you chose to end the movie on then what is the audience suppose to think? The bigger issue however, is that Rey's ending holds no significance to her or her journey. Terrio says that “In our thinking, Rey goes back to Tatooine as a pilgrimage in honor of her two Skywalker masters. Leia’s childhood home, Alderaan, no longer exists, but Luke’s childhood home, Tatooine, does. Rey brings the sabers there to honor the Skywalker twins by laying them to rest — together, finally — where it all began.” Tatooine, the Lars homestead and the twin suns, don't mean anything to Rey.  You know who did mean something to Rey? Who was the one person who understood her, who she had an intimate relationship with, who she explicitly states she wanted to be with? Ben. But he's gone too. But clearly a light saber and surname are more important. Again this all comes from a lack of caring for what Rey wants.

I just wish that the Sequel Trilogy had stayed Rey's trilogy, that she got to be a heroine in her own right not because she was a skywalker, or a palpatine or from some other powerful family. I will always love Rey but I will always hate what they did to her and I'm tired of people invalidating my feelings and telling me that it was a good ending or that it was empowering. I just want heroines to be taken as seriously and to have all the same privileges as male heroes. Let them stand on their own without connecting them back to every male hero in the franchise, let them be their own character, and finally just let them be human, let them fall in love and have relationships if they want to. Male heroes are never considered to be less of a hero for having a love interest, so why are female heroes? Basically what I got out of the Rise of Skywalker, was that it was created by a couple of guys that loved Luke and the OT and could care less about Rey and that's truly heart breaking.

[jonsa101]

Episode 3x14: A Reflection of How Max Stepped Into Love After A Season of Suffering

Gif credit @supagirl

Hey guys! I can’t believe the season finale has come and gone! I think my mind is just taking time to comprehend everything that has happened! Sharpwin is officially canon! As I’m typing this out, it feels strange writing a meta on the other side of things. Since season one, I’ve been writing metas about how these two belong together and making predictions about the trajectory of their relationship. Now, to be on the other side of things where I know longer have to do that because these two are finally together is kinda crazy. I feel so elated!

Now y’all, I’m not going to lie to you, I had a totally different meta planned out and that meta is still in my drafts. I will probably release it because it was a general review of the episode but I thought it was more important that I put this meta out first. When I was watching the finale live, I didn’t love it. I just didn’t. I loved that Max and Helen finally got together at the end of the episode but I had a major issue with how it unfolded. The issue my friends was this scene right here: 

Baby!!! When I tell you this scene TRIGGERED me, it did! Now mind you, I wasn’t upset with Max’s storyline of searching and struggling to take off his wedding ring. It is human nature for Max to still have an emotional attachment to his ring. He’s not still grieving but essentially that ring is the only thing he has left of Georgia and represents a life he once had. Him taking it off was always going to be a monumental moment for Sharpwin and for himself. The issue that I had was Max casually telling Helen that he freaked out about losing his ring!!! To me, after the voicemail he left her, after Helen flew standby and was in a six hour flight to see him, it was an incredibly CALLOUS thing for Max to say. I know Max wasn’t thinking in this moment. I know his intentions were clearly not to hurt her but words matter and him being careless with his was a complete disregard of Helen’s feelings. She was deeply hurt and upset when he said this and rightfully so! I mean just look at her expression here:

Helen’s entire being read like

“I can’t believe you”

And girl same, because neither could I!! He knew he fucked up and he obviously made up for it in the end but y’all when I was watching it live, everything that came after that elevator scene was was tainted for me. I had a hard time believing that Helen would let what he said slide so easily and in the moment, I couldn’t appreciate the beauty of them finally coming together! 😩 In my personal opinion, there were so many other ways that scene could have played out without Max having to literally tell Helen to her face that he was worried about his wedding ring! I know they were trying to build up to the “big moment” where he finally takes his ring off and runs back to Helen’s apartment but man, that moment did not sit right with me in my spirit! It still doesn’t and I don’t think my opinion will ever change on this.

With that said, I’ve now done several rewatches of the finale where I specifically watched the scenes after that awful moment by the elevator. As I’ve had time to reflect, my perspective has changed. I no longer view the moments after the elevator scene as tainted but as something deeply profound and beautiful. Hell, even as I reflect on that scene by the elevator, I still don’t like it, but in a way I understand it in how it relates to Max’s overall journey when it comes to Helen. To me, Max Goodwin is a man who fell deeply in love with Helen in the midst of the most complex situations and a season of him suffering. It’s been deep rooted, complicated and messy from the start and over the past three years we’ve seen Max navigate through the complexities of his feelings for Helen and the circumstances he’s found himself in on our screens. I think when you look at season three finale and specifically the journey of Max finally making a choice to be with Helen, you have to put into context Max’s history and how it influenced what that looked like. So y’all that is exactly what I want to do in this meta so let’s dive in.

One thing I think we need to acknowledge is that, even though as an audience we have loved seeing Max and Helen’s journey unfold, the road has been so TOUGH for them. As Helen said in 3x13, it’s been a fight! Especially for Max. The suffering he has endured over the past three years has been unfathomable and much of his relationship with Helen and his feelings for her have been developed under these traumatic and tragic circumstances. 

At the very beginning of the series, when Max and Helen first meet they clash but it doesn’t last for long. It’s his first day at New Amsterdam and as the new Medical Director, he wants her to stay at the hospital and treat patients instead of doing press tours. Helen on the other hand wants to continue doing press and for the most part ignores his demands for her to return to the hospital. When she finally does return, she does so because she learns that Max has cancer. This bonds them at the onset as Helen is the only person in his life that knows about his diagnosis. As an audience, when we first see them interact, we instantly saw the sparks fly between them. Their chemistry and natural witty banter made us immediately take a look at their relationship and what potential they could have in the future. Though we were shocked by his cancer diagnosis, I think the fun and lightheartedness of Sharpwin’s first interactions really masked how traumatic this must have been for Max. On the first day of his dream job, that he sacrificed his marriage for, he learns that he has cancer while having a baby on the way. Those are the awful circumstances that first bring Max and Helen together. 

As Helen becomes Max’s doctor and he swears her to secrecy about his diagnosis, their friendship and bond grows deeper. His passion and drive to help his patients, reignites Sharpe’s love for medicine again and inspires her to put her patients first. They become vulnerable with each other more than anyone else in their lives. He confides in her about his broken marriage and she tells him that she wants a baby. When he almost dies, she becomes his deputy medical director so that he can focus on his care. All of these moments are significant to them because somewhere along the way they develop feelings for each other. They didn’t plan for it and it’s something neither of them are consciously aware of but unknowingly, they both start to fill a place in each other’s lives that was clearly more than a doctor and patient relationship or a friendship. This “place” wasn’t called out until episode 1x16 were the clairvoyant called out their feelings for each other. When episode 1x17 comes around, after a night of revelations and a scramble to get the power back on in the hospital, Helen decides to step back as his doctor. If she wasn’t aware of her feelings before, in this moment, she’s fully aware of them now. This is an effort to safeguard her heart and set boundaries because the lines of who they are to each other were already so blurred. When she “triages” their relationship Max’s reacts badly and honestly they’re both devastated and are on the verge of tears:

As viewers, we loved this moment but when you peel back the layers of what’s actually going on in this scene, it’s gut-wrenching. The subtext is so clear here yet their situation is so complex and layered. We know for a fact that Max wasn’t trying to lose her in ANY CAPACITY. We also know that in the way he TRULY wanted her he couldn’t have her and Helen knew that too. Not when he was married, had a baby on the way, and fighting cancer at the same time. Y’all that’s hard and profoundly painful when you think about it and it makes this scene all the more tragic. 

When Helen steps back as his doctor, at first Max seems to be handling it well but as his cancer starts to get worse, he completely breaks. Like I said earlier, over the course of his cancer treatment, Helen filled a place in Max’s life that was so much more than just his doctor or his friend. So when he’s dying and no longer has the person he feels deeply for play an active role in his treatment, he lashes out. He’s dealing with a range of emotions he can’t handle or properly process. Things only get worse from there and at the end of season one Georgia and Luna’s life are on the line and Bloom and Helen scramble to save them. When it seems like everyone was able to come out of that traumatic event unscathed, they get into a devastating ambulance crash that changes everything. 

Season 2 brings another level of pain and suffering for Max when he loses his wife after the crash and is thrust into single fatherhood. Not only is he grieving but he’s also dealing with guilt of falling in love with Helen while he was married. The complexities of his feelings is something he struggles with throughout this season and it affects his relationship with Helen. At some points he pushes her away and at others he desperately needs her. Once again, Helen and Max’s relationship is caught up in the most complex of circumstances that is riddled with agony and trauma. 

By time we head into season 3, Max doesn’t even have time to breathe or think about his relationship with Helen because they’re both thrust to the frontlines of the pandemic. 

I bring all of this up again to emphasize that there has never been a time where Max and Helen’s relationship hasn’t been wrapped up in trauma or some sort of suffering. It has always been one thing or another with them. It’s been A LOT and Max has tried to navigate being in love with Helen through his suffering and under these crazy ass circumstances. So after rewatching the finale, the questions that run through my mind are:

How do you step into love when all you’ve known for the past three years has been suffering?

How do you love openly and freely when for so long you’ve emotionally suppressed your feelings for someone because it was “wrong?” 

How do you let go, heal, and move on with your life?

To me, answering these questions is what the season finale for Max was all about. When you’ve suffered so much and endured so much it’s not easy to step into a new chapter in your life that’s hopeful and filled with love and possibilities. For Max, I don’t think in his wildest dreams that he ever imagined that he and Helen would be in a place where they could actually be together. Considering everything they’ve gone through, quite frankly it’s a fucking miracle! So when he actually makes it to the other side and not only SURVIVES but has a chance for happiness, I don’t think he knows what he’s doing. Pursuing/having feelings for Helen from a place that isn’t wrapped up in trauma and tragedy, where there are seemingly no obstacles in his way, is totally and completely new territory for Max. I think he’s clueless in how to do that in the right way and as he navigates through that, naturally there are hiccups.

That’s evident with what he said by the elevator and also in this moment here: 

Max doesn’t have a clue but he wants to make sure that he doesn’t fuck it up because he DESPERATELY wants this! I also think there’s something to be said about how we as human beings can self-sabotage ourselves when we finally have an opportunity to get what we want. Fear, guilt, worthiness usually comes into play with that and I think for Max there was definitely a fear with moving on with his life, guilt of surviving it all and having a chance to be with the woman he’s loved for so long, and a question of if he’s worthy of actually having happiness.

Their walk in my mind perfectly embodies him self sabotaging while also trying to navigate his feelings of desperately wanting to be with her. At the beginning of their walk, you see that at one point he clearly wants to hold Helen’s hand but he doesn’t (I would use a gif here y’all but I literally only have room for 10 😩). I’m focusing my attention on Max here because essentially this whole moment between them is a part of Max’s “mini story” in the episode. The ball has always been in his court and truly what we are witnessing is his journey to step into love because Helen is ready and has been waiting on him. 

The most compelling moment in their walk scene for me was this one: 

I find it strange for Max to walk so far ahead when he was the one who asked her if he could walk with her. My first thought while watching it live was “what is he doing” and I think Helen’s expression reads the same way. After analyzing this for a bit, I genuinely think that’s the point of this scene. Like I said earlier, Max doesn’t know what he’s doing. To be with Helen like this is, where its romantic, peaceful and drama free is probably blowing his mind and he doesn't know how to navigate this. He doesn’t know how to receive this second chance at happiness. 

The internal war of Max stepping into love or allowing fear, guilt, and unworthiness to hold him back becomes all the more evident when they get to Helen’s door: 

He knows he wants to come in. Helen know he wants to come in too. This man literally says goodnight twice and when Helen responds with “you said that,” it perfects this scene. She wants him to come in as well but she’s not going to ask him to. In this moment, she sees his internal struggle and she knows that he has to make the choice himself on whether or not he wants to move on with his life with her.

When he walks away, for a moment that was Max choosing to hold onto the pain and trauma of his past. That was him choosing to hold onto the guilt that was keeping him from healing and moving on. With the suffering he’s been through, it makes sense. In many ways he’s been conditioned to fight, to suffer and to endure. It’s what he’s used to. But praise the lord, he thinks of the moments he just shared with Helen. 

The joy he has with just being in her presence. 

The opportunity he has to freely be with her and have a life with her after loving her for so long.

He is not condemned to a life of suffering. It was only for a season. He’s in love with Helen and wants to be with her. Like hell is he going to let this opportunity at a second chance of love and happiness slip away from him. So guys, he slips off that ring, runs back to Helen’s apartment and makes a choice to step into love. Step into this new, uncharted, chapter of his life with Helen Sharpe. 

Anyway guys! I hope y’all enjoyed this! I might be releasing one more meta but we will see how it goes.

As always feel free to reach out to me on Tumblr and on Twitter @oyindaodewale. Love you guys!