#we got drunk together at my friends bday and bonded and it was SO CUTE

[handcat]

back to the dating app 🚶

[vagarius]

misukazu 21

(if you saw me fuck up the other one no you didnt)

EDIT I THINK THIS ONE GOT A LITTLE FUCKED UP TOO BUT IT’S... READABLE...

questions from this post, and answers originally written for this thread!!

If you had to change the pairing’s very first meeting, how would you change it?    their canon first meeting is already so good SHDGFLJASHG but if i had to choose a different one that's still within the context of mankai... meeting as kids and losing touch and coming back together completely different at mankai

What song fits your pairing the most?    uhhHHhhHHH i don't have a real answer but i do have a partial playlist for one of my misukazu aus and the only two songs in it are furaregai girl by sayuri and champagne's for celebrating by mayday parade and i feel like that says enough sldhgalsdhfalsh

What is your favorite AU/prompt idea/trope for your pairing?     ALL MISUKAZU AUS ARE GOOD but. i really love any au where their first meeting is in the future and both are still kind of lost but they're Older and it's hard to let themselves fall into the easy trust they find in canon. i just think that'd be neat.

Do you prefer canon ideas or do you have your own headcanons for them?     I'VE SAID THIS MANY TIMES BUT CANON MISUKAZU GIVES OFF MADE FOR EACH OTHER VIBES AND USUALLY I DON'T VIBE WITH THAT BUT THEY REALLY ARE WHAT THE OTHER NEEDS... AND I THINK EVEN IF THEY HAD TO PART THEY'D STILL BE ABLE TO BE BETTER PEOPLE BC THEY HAD MET

Favorite canon moment of them?     THERE ARE SO MANY but the one that immediately comes to mind is misumi carrying drunk kazu to bed (latest bday line) because drunk kazu is so soft and it implies that misumi wanted to wish happy birthday to kazu pretty late... what did he want to give him...

Least favorite canon moment of them?     hmm... there's not really one i can think of??? IM SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY I LOVE ALL THEIR CANON MOMENTS

Favorite headcanon trope/idea? (Your own or someone else’s)    this is somehow both vague and very specific but i think misukazu gives off this vibe: He's beautiful. I can't tell him. or "Kazu is always beautiful~" Don't call me that, Kazu thinks. I'm not. so... insecurities i guess ????? AJSHAJJD

Favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics?     THIS IS GOING TO SOUND SO CHEESY but i love how /real/ they allow themselves to be around each other. misukazu at their best is when one thinks "you're you. and i love that you" and the other knows this. i just. THEY VALIDATE THE OTHER SO MUCH CRIES

Least favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics? (Can be headcannon)     this isn't a "least fav" so much as "it makes me sad" but if either of them showed any sign of not being interested anymore the other is more likely to give up then push anything. sort of like "it was bound to happen, so i'll enjoy now until they drop me" or EVEN WORSE they think the other would be better off without them and pushes them away. so yeah the fact i can see one of these happening makes me sad.

If they aren’t a canon pairing, how would you get them together?     they give off "everyone knows we're dating but us" energy but at the same time i feel like they'd acknowledge there's something and just not define it bc a) they don't need to (misumi) or b) they're too nervous to (kazu). in other words i think one day they are holding hands and misumi says "kazu? is this dating?" and kazu holds his breath before asking "do you want it to be?"

If you had to take them and plunk them into another fandom, what fandom would that be? Why?     i think theyd be hilarious in any sports animanga (kazu is manager tho bc noodle arms but maybe they bond when misumi walks him through some of his usual training menu one night - ahem. anyway) BUT ALSO horimiya au...

How hard is it write/draw your pairing? Scale of 1-10.     AJDHAJDHSF I REALLY LOVE THEM SO IT COMES PRETTY EASILY... but sometimes you try to put them in tropes and realize they would Just Not Work Like That. idk where i'm going with this. but yeah. anyway 3 for sankaku.

Is there a pairing that you think rivals them?     in terms of what i ship, i tend to ship kazu and misumi individually with a lot of dif charas AJDHAKD. but in terms of like... in-universe "rival" pairings: kazu side: tsuzukazu (maybe, lbr it would take them 273924 yrs to actually get together), kazu x someone from winter (i... have my reasons but they'd take longer than what this answer entails) misumi side: ... surprisingly none that i can think of ahdjahd

Which character of the pairing do you like more? (Would you ever pair yourself with them?)     you know that tweet that's like "sometimes a ship is just your two favs"? yeah that's misukazu for me. but if i had to choose... misumi AJDHAJHDSF I HONESTLY WASNT THAT INTO YUME UNTIL THESE TWO CAME AROUND (NOT COUNTING 707)... but yeah if they wanted to hold me in their arms i wouldn't oppose

Which character of your pairing would be the one to break up with the other? Why?     OOOOOH BOY well. i think it could be either of them. i don't think they'd break up for lack of love but too much love and wanting the other to be happy and thinking that the only way to give them that is to let them go. so i guess the question is which of them would be more likely to be selfish and hold on. thinking this way, i think misumi would be more likely to break-up, bc kazu has lots of friends who are better than him!! and misumi is more ready to leave if he thinks he needs to than kazu is. now im sad.

Are they relatable as characters or as a pairing?     THE NUMBER OF TIMES I'VE BEEN CALLED KAZU KIN... in all seriousness kazu's struggles with speaking out and (shinobi spoilers) his uncertainty over his future hit real close to home... while i don't relate as much as misumi, his struggles always manage to tear my heart into pieces... ((oversharing alert) i guess what really separates me from misumi is his struggle with his desire to connect with family who has treated him poorly... whereas im more "lol fuck you") tldr i relate to kazu slightly more LOL

Did you once/ever dislike one/both of them?     i never disliked them but i was NOT expecting either of them to shoot up so quickly into my favs list ahdjahdjf. also i started shipping them Immediately After reading summer main story so there's that

On an estimate, how many posts have you made about them?    as of september 28th 2020 i make up 11/78 fics on ao3 in the romantic misukazu tag and 2/12 in the platonic one. i may have brainrot.

What made you decide to ship them?     TBH I FINISHED THE MAIN STORY AND WENT "OH MY GOD... THAT'S MY SHIP" but now that i'm here i continue to ship them because they have the potential to bring out both the best and the worst in each other and i'm all about that

Favorite genre for them? (Angst, fluff, etc.)     angst. i just. angst hurt/comfort all the way. im so sorry babies.

lol you thought there would just be 21 ANYWAY EXTRA 1: how do they spend breaks/vacation?    they'd travel a lot when they're older!! kazunari loves to travel and misumi would follow kazunari anywhere (also, new triangles!!) so they go somewhere new whenever they have the time. however i think eventually one or both of their future careers will take them anywhere and everywhere anyway, so their "ideal vacation" might turn into an evening in, cuddling and catching up (as if they didn't already send play-by-play updates over the phone of whatever they did during the day)

EXTRA 2: first date?     i don't they ever have an explicit first date, but if asked they'll cite the time they had a picnic in the park turned triangle hunt turned accidental dip in the duck pond. at least, kazunari will. misumi just tilts his head and wonders what you mean.

EXTRA 3: gifts?     IM FEELING REALLY CHEESY SO I'M MAKING THIS ABOUT ANNIVERSARY GIFTS they both end up getting each other jewelry (although kazu was really really nervous bc he wasn't sure if misumi would wear it). kazu gets misumi a bracelet (with triangles, of course although misumi only wears it sometimes because he doesn't want to lose it) and misumi gets kazu a pair of triangle earrings "so we can match!" and kazunari combusts at the implications

EXTRA 4: sharing clothes     THEY'RE ACTUALLY AROUND THE SAME SIZE (and tend to wear baggier stuff barring kazu's skinny jeans)... but they have completely different Styles so it's still really obvious when steal each other's stuff ahdjajdkaf. as cute as kazu would look in sumi's sweatshirt i think the much more likely scenario is kazu wrapping misumi in his jackets because this boy nEVER BRINGS HIS ANYWHERE anyway just. accidental shared wardrobe misukazu.

EXTRA 5: lake house au    consider: kazunari living in a house on the shore of a lake for a summer for Art Purposes (and a little bit for Dealing With Life purposes but he's not gonna admit that) and meets his lake neighbor misumi who kazu thinks might be a ghost or spirit for a while but he actually just lives further down the lake and misumi unknowingly helps kazu with his Life Issues and maybe they fall in love

[kpoppwriter]

I had a university y/n moment that lasted about a year. Our university was hosting like a international law study group and since I speak english well I was volunteered by my lecturer. I was like, might as well. So within my group there was 1 american, 2 uk, 1 indian, 1 chinese student. First of all a 6'1" woman wasnt what they were expecting. There was a lot of staring involved, but I tried to be nice. At the end of the week we had a cultural exchange, but my friends bday was also on that day

Since my friend and I have been basically inseperable since childhood ofc I was going. The university event was happening at a holiday resort basically 5 minutes from my friends home (they share a lakeside). We had bonding exercises-puzzles, rope pulling, canoeing and so on. I decided to sneak away after the main events and just in case give the study group guys my number if anything happens. Now here comes the y/n very embarrassing moment. I got very very drunk and got up to some shit. My friend and I have no problem with nudity and since it was girls only our drunk asses went for a swim at 4 am. Skinny dipping. I swear we saw no one at the boat dock. Until one sec my 2 of my friends hear something. That i did not hear and leg it with my clothes. I thought they were joking. They WERENT. So i chill there and decide to get out still thinking my friends are joking and get my clothes. No. However there was J from Hong Kong, talking to his grandfather (due to time difference). I WAS BUTTNAKED. He looked very surprised seeing me. Naked. We had a moment of eye contact. He just blinked. Then he remembered he was on the phone and I just walked off with him staring. The unspoken mortification I had the next day. Luckily. He didn't say anything to anyone else. Expect. You look good. Thats all. Next semester end my lecturer tells me I have a chance to go to (redacted university) for 2 months on the university scholarship since I got a good recommendation. I was like -free travel, foreign country, graduation points. Hell yes. So I packed my bags without a thought to who gave that recommendation. It was J. He met me at the airport. I was a 🤡. Studying went great, but when I met one of his friends he said oh you are that girl. He had told someone. So I confronted him about it. He then confessed. He liked me before the naked incident but thought it would be very unprofessional of him to make any move due to the fact I was group leader and nakedness We dated casually. I met his family and we were in a long distance relationship for 2 years. Then in person until the virus and now I am missing him and his 🍆. My friends too joke about my unconventional dating method of flashing a guy first to make sure to make a lasting impression. But He had written to his mentor how smart, professional and welcoming I had been and that's why, I got the scholarship and we got together. Our 5 year anniversary will be soon. I miss him

THIS IS A WILD RIDE OF A STORY WOW but it ended real cute tbh my bf and our friends played a game once before we started dating and he found out all my kinks so like odd sexual incounters with people can lead to great relationships lmao

[suckitsurveys]

Ready to answer 151 Questions? No.

1. When was the last time you swam in a pool? Last week. I am extremely grateful to have access to a pool this summer. It’s at my sister’s mother in law’s. She lets my sister and her daughters use it while she’s at work and I tag along too.  2. Do you like to party? I love throwing parties. Not like, huge drunk ragers, but bday parties are my specialty.  3. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do? I’ve been social distancing myself from them for almost 10 years, so. 4. Are you a virgin? Nope. 5. What are your parents views on your relationships? My dad likes Mark.

6. If you ran into your current boyfriend/crush in 10 years, would you marry them? I am married to my crush.  7. Is your best friend dating anyone? One is. 8. Describe the shirt you’re wearing? It’s an olive green shirt with the Route 66 logo on it. 9. Do people who wear Hollister and Abrerbrombie every day bother you? I really don’t care. 10. Could you go out in public without wearing make-up? I do that 99.99% of the time. 11. What is one feature that you don’t like? On myself? My stomach. 12. Would people describe you as happy? Not currently.  13. Are you single? Nope. 14. Does it bother you that pretty much every survey you take asks if you’re single? Nah. 15. Do you have Tumblr? I really only use it for this, which I also haven’t done in a while either.

16. What about Xanga? Aww, RIP Xanga. 17. Have you ever babysat before? Yes. 18. Is there a teacher who you absolutely hate? Most of my college professors.  19. Ever shopped at Sephora? I think I’ve been in one before? 20. If your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away, what would you do? I mean, I’d be pretty shocked and hurt. 21. Do you have any university plans? Lol. 22. If your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do? Support her?  23. What are your views on sex? Be safe! Always get consent! 24. Do sexual questions bother you? No. 25. Would you rather have sex with your boyfriend or break up? Uh, what? 26. Have you ever dreamed about your wedding? Yeah. 27. Does it bother you when people TYpe 1yk dis’? Yeah, I don’t see too much of it anymore. 28. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? Yes. 29. Would you ever date a friends Ex? I did that once oops. 30. What’s the last book you read? I’m still working on a couple. 31. Ready for 10 simple questions? Sure. 32. What is your last name? No. 33. What grade are you in? No. 34. What school do you go to? No. 35. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring? Summer and early fall.  36. Favorite Color? Purples and blues. 37. Are your parents together? My father is widowed.  38. Any siblings? I have an older sister. 39. Favorite subject? Eh.

40. Least favorite subject? Eh. 41. Favorite song? I could never just choose one. 42. Okay. Simple questions are over. Happy? I don’t care. 43. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 200 something. 44. Ever been requested by some old guy from another country? Probably. 45. Have you ever googled yourself? Yeah. 46. Have a Formspring? No. 47. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do? Take them and sell them :P 48. Would you rather spend the day at an amusement park or a water park? Waterpark. Ughhhhhhhhh I miss waterparks so much. It’s so weird to not be going this summer. 49. Been to Disney world? Nope. 50. If someone posts their status “9 Inches :(” do you know what they mean? Sounds like one of those things where people post a random status from a list of things that will likely get people’s attention and whoever comments on it is privately sent said list of thing and they then choose something to post as their status and so on. That was a popular game thing on Facebook years ago. <---Yeah, that. 51. Ever had a boyfriend? Yes.

52. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? I doubt Will Arnett knows I’m in love with him. 53. Have you done something in the last week that you regret? No. 54. Ever drank alcohol? Yes. 55. Know anyone who’s currently doing drugs? Yeah. 56. Ever watched The Hills? No. 57. What about Jersey Shore? Yes. 58. Ever called someone a slut? I’ve said that jokingly to friends. 59. What do you think of short shorts? You do you. 60. Does it bother you if people swear around you? Nope. 61. Have you ever gotten an A in a subject? Yes. 62. What about a B? Yes. 63. And a C? Yes. 64. How about a D? Yeah. 65. Ever skived? What’s that? 66. Would you consider yourself popular and outcast or somewhere in the middle? I’d say somewhere in the middle. I had friends, but I wasn’t “popular” by any means. 67. Are most of your friends older or younger than you? Most are older.  68. Ever been stabbed in the back by a close friend? Yes. 69. Do you think it’s immature when people laugh at the number 69? Oops. 70. Ever watched porn? Yes. 71. How many laws do you think you’ve broken in the past month? I drove with out a seat belt (for a few blocks) and jay walked oops.  72. Do you wake up with an alarm clock? On work days, yes. 73. Do you prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays? Wednesdays.  74. If your school had a Glee Club would you join? No. 75. Ever performed in a talent show? No. 76. Have you ever cried in public? Yeah. 77. Do you have a favorite between your Mom and your Dad? I’ve always had a special bond with my dad. I love my mom, but we butt heads a lot when I was a teenager. I feel like our bond was getting stronger just before she died and I’m really sad we don’t get to know each other as we got older.  78. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? Nooo. I have zero talent. 79. How many celebrity crushes have you had? A lot. 80. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? A lot. 81. Name 5 male celebrities who you think are attractive. Will Arnett, Paul Rudd, John Mulaney, Andy Samberg, Ezra Koenig 82. Name 5 female celebrities who you think are attractive. Aubrey Plaza, Alison Brie, Lana Del Rey, Alia Shawkat, Kat Dennings 83. Ever been compared to a celebrity? Ha, no. 84. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? No. 85. Do you think spending £20 on Lip Gloss is a waste of money? Idk what that is in US dollars but I don’t usually buy lip gloss, so. 86. Are you opinionated? I can be. 87. Do you have a favorite store? Sure. 88. Would you ever wear Flare Jeans? I used to in grade school. 89. Do you own jeans that aren’t skinny? I have one pair of “boyfriend” jeans that I don’t really like.  90. Have you ever worn the same outfit twice in one week? Hello, pandemic? 91. What’s the longest period of time you’ve been away from school? I don’t know. 92. Do you google abbreviations you don’t understand? Yeah. 93. Does it bother you when people have cats as their profile picture? I don’t care? 94. Own a pair of converse? Yes. 95. Is there a teacher at your school who has obvious favorites? There was. 96. If yes, are you one of them? Never. 97. Do you text in class? I have. 98. What brand of jeans do you wear the most? Target. 99. At what point do you think sizes are “Plus Sized?” Fuck that shit. “Plus” implies that there is a standard size. 100. Do you want to lose weight? I’d like to be healthier.  101. Ever seen a therapist? No, but I should. 102. Ever watched porn? You asked me this.  103. Ever purposely ignored a text? Yes. 104. A facebook message? Yes. 105. A poke? I always ignored those. That was a dumb feature Facebook had. 106. A friend request? Yeah. I don’t accept a request from anyone I don’t know, but I have it set up where you can’t add me unless you are friends with someone I am friends with.  107. Would you say you read into things too much? Yepppp. 108. Is your best friend more likely to be the one suggesting something stupid or refusing to do something stupid? I don’t know. 109. Do you have a “fun friend?” (A friend who you have tons of fun with but you never really have deep conversations?) Eh. 110. Ever been called a bully? No. 111. Ever purposely hurt yourself? Yes. 112. Ever gone to church? I went to a Lutheran high school and we used to have “chapel” every first full school day of the week (usually mondays). That was kind of a church service. And one time I spent the night at a friends house on a Saturday and was blindsided the next morning when her parents were like “okay time for church!” 113. Would you call either of your parents screw ups? Absolutely not! 114. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? Yes and no. 115. What do you want to do with your life? Lol.

116. Let me guess… You have brown hair? My roots right now are basically a really dirty blonde. And my tips were black but they are pretty brown right now. And hair inbetween is mint green lol. Pandemic hair ftw. 117. Already know what you’re being for Halloween? I’ll probably be Princess Carolyn again. Or just a bat, since I have both of those costumes.  118. Do you still go Trick or Treating? With my nieces, but we probably won’t be able to go this year :(  119. Ever liked someone WAY older than you? Celebrities. 120. Does it bother you when people have really loud conversations on the bus? Yes. 121. When you have sunglasses on, do you stare at people? I have. 122. Ever had a credit card denied? Yeah. 123. What’s the last movie you watched? Oh god, it’s been a while. I Love You Man, I think? 124. Last TV Show? Property Brothers, lol.  125. You see your Ex making out with one of your friends. What do you do? They wouldn’t.  126. Ever been called a whore? Jokingly. 127. Are you american? Yes. 128. Ever made yourself throw up? Yeah. 129. Have you ever kissed someone who wasn’t your boyfriend? Uh huh. 130. Are you Cute or Gross? Yes. 131. Does it bother you when people say “LOOK HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN!”? No one has said that to me in a very long time. I don’t recall being bothered by it, though. 132. Can you say intelligent things around the guy you like? Um, yes? Why couldn’t I? 133. Ever had the lead in a play? Not the lead, no. 134. What about a solo in a concert? Nope. 135. What kind of a student are you? I did okay in grade and high school. 136. Worst subject? All of college. 137. Best subject? Not college. 138. Ever had a crush on a teacher? Yeah. 139. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? Seeing as she’s dead, yeah, a little. 140. How late do you sleep in? On work days I sleep until the absolutely last minute, right before we are supposed to check in for a daily meeting at 7:10am, lol. And on weekends or days off I normally don’t sleep past 10.   141. Do you edit your profile pictures before posting them? A little. I brighten up my face and smooth it out. Sue me.  142. Be 100% honest. Do you have any friends who are uglier than you? All my friends are beautiful in their own ways.  143. Do you believe in love? Yes.  144. Would you consider yourself a good student? Didn’t you ask this? 145. Does it bother you when Surveys ask “Did you like this survey?” It just seems kinda pointless cause they likely won’t see it. 146. Salty, Sweet, Sour or Spicy? Yes.  147. Are you going into High School this year? Nooooo. Thank goodness. I did my time and graduated over 10 years ago. 148. What about Junior High? Omg, no. I’m old. 149. What is one thing someone could say to you right now that would make you cry? Ugh, anything.  150. Where did you find this note? @lovemesomesurveys 151. Last question. How many unread messages are in your phone? None. 

[lord-king-saint]

WEAK BOUNDARIES pt1

theres always that one person that loves you so much that you'll never doubt yourself-- or your "lovability"-- ever again. my person came late, and it didnt last, but it changed me forever.

snap wasnt the most beautiful man in the world-- but he was cute. a mutual friend introduced us at brunch, and i thought he was funny, and decent, but i figured i would never see him again. socializing in the city was so transitory.

but i did see him again, that same day. i left brunch, ran some errands, and was craving something cheap and greasy, so i went to panda express. while devouring the thin and crispy chow mein noodles, i saw a cute lil bubble butt in line. i was staring, but maintaining my queer hyperviligance-- until i realized it was him. it was snap, wearing a tight jogging outfit, and it amused me. why go for a jog if youre just going to eat bad chinese afterwards? i was intrigued.

when he recognized me, he danced over and sat at my booth. he didnt look sweaty-- but who was i to judge? i mean, he was in better shape than i was, so he had more social capital in gay world; and he had soft skin, a professional beard, and liquid green eyes. the more i looked, the more i found things to like.

he was a therapist who worked at a middle school, and we made small talk about our mutual friends. he said i had a good effect on everyone in the group. my mere presence cooled the egos of the gays who tended to be more self-involved, he noticed. it was definitely shade, but i was humble and simply said thank you-- and i remained humble when he asked for my number. he was hard to read, but i was open to his friendship. he was funny, and decent.

later, i discovered he had a partner, who happened to be very handsome. a group of us went on the rooftop together to drink wine, and snap's partner had just returned from spain filled with stories, and we got along well. i noticed that as a couple, they werent intimidated by how i could cool and dazzle a crowd. they were both drawn to it.

it was always fun to run into them. one night, a group of us went dancing and we enjoyed being sloppy drunk messes together. snap cannot dance to save his life. he made awkward hip gyrations, leaned on one leg, and would thrust his arms out in long offbeat displays of emotionality. he was terrible, and dangerous to dance with, because you could easily lose an eye.

even when sober, he danced like a staggering drunk with no rthythm-- but i loved that about him. i loved seeing him express himself, because he truly looked free, and i admired that. it was his own interpretative dance, and eventually the three of us were slowly grinding together, to the gay classics. when they drove me home, i sensed "something" there, but i thought better of it and went home alone. i wasnt prepared to be that messy.

but then, the happy couple came to my spa, and invited me into their hot tub, while i was on the clock. they were both naked. i thanked them, but declined. id never had a threesome, and i was just beginning my queer sexual odyessy. i didnt want to experiment and get my sea legs with my friends. i felt there was too much to risk.

months went by, and eventually the happy couple broke up, just before christmas. they were together for a year. by now, our gay tribe was meeting once a week, and during our Monday Night Dinner, snap spilled the beans. he was distraught, because he had never been broken up with. not only was it devastating, but it was new, so we asked how we could support him. "just text and visit me more," he said. my heart bled for him.

so, i texted him, and visited him more. i even gave him a massage, and invited him out with us to dance or watch standup. i realized i didnt know that much about him, really. he was a secretive scorpio, despite his decent casual nature, and i enjoyed making him laugh, and letting him pour his stories into me. i was an unhealthy empath at the time, and it made me feel good to be a receptacle for his feelings, while also showing him a good time. i thought i was healing him! and so, snap grew very attached to me.

he invited me over to his apartment to see his shelves of comicbooks. we would play music and hold each other while he poured his soul into me, telling me about how he scared his partner away with his jealousy, and his insecurity. i should have seen the red flags early, but i was a trauma victim. i was traumatized from childhood to avoid prolonged human touch-- but snap made me feel so safe in his arms! it surprised me, and it was healing me. i felt like he could hold me all night, and i wouldnt try to escape. it clouded my judgment.

there were so many nights with snap: cuddling with him, spooning him, making him laugh, burying his face in my neck, wrapping our legs and touching feet, breathing, going to new thought churches, planning our new years eve, laying out ideas for a podcast, doing yoga, talking to Alexa, walking to the comicbook store holding hands, crying, talking about libido, making salty mario kart jokes, listening to his top 100 new year playlist, and just laying in bed, him playing with my necklace.

we made plans to drive to san mateo for new years, but while we were rolling around the bed, and i threatened to tickle him, he cried out in fear. it felt like i was struck with a cold lightning bolt! i jumped off of him! i was so sorry! but he said he was fine. he said he was only triggered, and he confessed that i had a lot of power over him. it was the night before new years eve, but i didnt sleep.

the next morning, we were organizing the trip, but he was dark and faraway. i wanted to talk about the night before, and the cry that haunted my thoughts, but he went completely silent. suddenly, i realized what i was doing. i was over-involving myself in snap's dramas, and abandoning my own boundaries. when snap finally spoke, he said that i was in a precarious situation, because snap was still sensitive because of his ex, and he didnt want to take it out on me.

why was i abandoning my friends on new years to be with someone i just met? why was i playing caretaker for snap when he needed to be alone, to process his breakup? i was out of order, so i tried to bail. perhaps i should be with my friends instead. "this is your pattern!" he shouted angrily. "why are you doing this?"

i dug deep.

"im afraid that youre just saying youre fine, but secretly youre still mad at me!" i confessed, starting to cry. "i feel like im being punished for making a mistake!"

next thing i knew, i was sobbing in his arms, and he was stroking my head, soothing me, while my diaphragm pushed hoarse cries into his chest. this wasnt normal or proportionate, and we never resolved the actual issue. instead, we were trauma bonding, and when i finished sobbing, i was filled with so many chemicals, and i was so relieved from expressing my childhood trauma, that i changed my mind and went to san mateo with him.

it was his coworkers new years party, and we ate sliders on hawaiian buns, drank wine, danced the cumbia, and bought a hotel to sleep together. we changed into pajamas, spooned, and in the dark, with my arms around him, snap said, "where have you been all my life?"

when we returned home, i didnt leave. i helped change his bedding, i coached him through his exercises, and he lipsync'd to his favorite songs while i gushed. snap was becoming important to me. whatever he believed, especially about me, affected me greatly. i wanted to be his favorite person in the whole world.

he asked to take me to capitola for another vacation, but my friends warned me that we should spend some time apart, and i sensed they were right, so i did. snap was disappointed, but he went with his friends without me-- until he called me from capitola, and said he was coming back early, to see me. his girlfriends said he talked about me the whole trip, and he offered to drive back, even pick me up some food, and take me to a party.

"i cant believe i miss you this much after just two days!" he laughed. i hugged him tightly. i was happy he missed me. i never wanted to be apart from him, and he felt the same way! he even offered to throw my 30th bday party!

meanwhile, he was showering me with gifts. "look in the bag," he said one night. he had purchased me $60 worth of allergy supplements, the ones i had always wanted! i jumped on top of him and kissed him all over his face.

"youve shown up for me in such a powerful way, and it means more than words can say," he said, holding me. "youre my favorite person."

it was like crack.

we were fully enmeshed.

snap wasnt healing from his past relationship, and i was letting him use me as a distraction. i wanted his energy! i wanted his attention! i didnt care! it was a fully functioning codependent relationship-- and soon, i would have to fight my way out of it.

[malinka-nostalgia]

August 29, 2018

These are some powerful words I read from Wasted by Marya Hornbacher. And I relate completely. Not to the eating disorder part. But to everything else. Mostly my past dating life and where I’m at right now. 

I’ve never been in a normal relationship before. Therefore I did not have a good baseline or foundation. I’ve never had a good example either. What I have had plenty of however is plenty of low self esteem. Insecurity. I’ve had so many crushes in middle school and high school. But being a dorky girl whose first language was not English, it was hard to approach anyone. 

When I did finally get into relationships there was always something wrong with them. Junior year in high school, I fell head over heels for a goth guy who had a girlfriend. He flirted with me nonetheless. Never made a move though. Then his gf cheated on him. And we kind of became friends with benefits. Nothing official. He was always amazed at how I was 17 and still a virgin. Obviously it didn’t go anywhere. I was a lot more religious than I am now. I wasn’t gonna have sex with him. And I just let him use me for everything else. Making out and transportation. This went on for maybe 2-3 months so it’s somewhat significant. Finally he broke it off with me. At the mall. Then I found out he was making out with some other girl. Like 20 mins after breaking things off with me. Pretty sure he was two timing me for a while. 

First year in college. Got a real boyfriend. Real deal. I was in love with him. Stupid teenage love. Met at a high school bible camp. I was a part of the worship team and he was there with his mom’s high school church group. It was long distance but it’s like we were mad about each other. He introduced me to foreplay. I’ve never gotten this physical with anyone before. This made me even more attached to him. I saw a couple of early red flags however. He would kinda snap at me over text. I later found out he’s depressed. I tried to be there for him because I was so attached to him. Didn’t wanna lose him. He was having a spiritual crisis. I’m not allowed to date non-SDAs, but I loved him and didn’t wanna leave him. 6 months into our dating, his parents sell their house and they move to NC. Even more long distance than we started. He’s even more depressed. Pays less attention to me. Likes other girls pictures on myspace/facebook but ignores mine. I feel unimportant. I cry. I confront him. He makes me feel stupid for getting mad about this. I get depressed. Relationship is a mess. Finally ends when he moves in with some girl. He breaks up with me so he could “take care of her” because her life’s a mess. I’m depressed, I start using drugs to deal with it. I try to move on by hooking up with other guys. Just foreplay, never all the way. Was trying to save that for marriage.

I’m 22. I meet a guy in a ceramics lab. Gorgeous guy. Choppy hair. Awesome tats. Nostril piercing. And an amazing artist. We hit it off, talking about some art and music. Go outside to smoke a cigarette. He gives me his business card, says we should paint together sometime. A few days later I hit him up. Go to his house and we paint together on the same canvas. Next time we hangout again. I’m thinking this is just gonna be another one of those hookups I’ve been having. We get into some foreplay. He gets a little controlling with what he likes. Later on he texts me saying something like, if we’re gonna continue to do this (hook up) I need to shave my vagina, straighten my hair, wear makeup, etc. Instead of saying goodbye to his shallow ass, I agree. We hangout some more. He pressures me into sex. I try to say no. He rubs his dick on me and I get paranoid from getting pregnant from pre-cum. So I say ok whatever, put on a condom and lets just do this. He does that. I finally lose my virginity. Doesn’t work for him though. He hates condoms. He has to do it with it off. He gets pissed cause he can’t stay hard and gets angry at me for not trusting him to pull out. I don’t have insurance. I pay $250 to see a gyno and get a scrips for birth control. He has it his way. I get stuck in a ~2-3 year relationship with a controlling guy who abused me emotionally and used me as much as he could. I could write another whole long post about how much he tortured me. And yet I couldn’t leave him because break ups are hard and I’m weak. In fact, I’d rather almost kill myself from heroin to deal with his abuse than break up with him. Finally I break up with him. Over text. I know, it’s not the right way to do it. But he is so manipulative. I’ve broken up with him before and he pretty much talked me back into it.

A few months after that was over. I found a guy on facebook by accident. We started talking. I thought he was so amazing. A complete opposite of the last guy. We had so much in common. He was so respectful. It felt so good to talk to a guy who likes me who does not put me down and does not put his needs before mine. Someone who cared about things I like. Liked the songs I liked. Also long distance. But when we finally met things moved too fast. I think it was the third date, we had sex. I was absolutely drunk. Because I need to drink to socialize with people I don’t know very well because of my old friend social anxiety. It didn’t feel right though. The next morning I felt like shit. We still hung out. Later that day I got drunk again. Almost blackout drunk. And we had sex again. He wasn’t drunk. The next day I felt so dirty. I know he wasn’t meaning any harm but it felt like I was taken advantage of. I told him we need to slow things down and take a step back. To be just friends and build it up from there. He didn’t like that and went a little nuts. Whatever. He lives far away and doesn’t even have his own car.

I’m 26. In nursing school. Very shy. There’s a guy in my clinical group. Very good looking. Clearly takes care of himself. Ladies man. Works out. Great hygiene, great sense of style. Kind of a neat freak, likes to me in control of his life. Excellent social skills. Very funny. I get a lil crush on him. We have a group chat on WhatsApp, among my clinical group. I get his number. Add him on snapchat. He starts talking to me. We get close. I invite him to my bday party. We get drunk. I lead him to my friend’s guest room and we end up making out and so on. Not going all the way. Yet. It was hella fun. For both of us. However, when I brought up to him the next day that I like him, he said he’s not looking for a relationship because he’s too busy with school, work, and gym. Ok, whatever. Made me a little sad but ok. We still hung out a lot, were hooking up, eventually all the way. We spent a lot of time together. We texted every single day. Everything we were doing, it was like we were a couple. But without a label. I liked him a lot. He was more than just those hookups I’ve had in the past. I felt like we were actually friend too. I thought there was a strong bond. That is, till he went behind my back all summer and started hooking up with one of my closest friends. Later I found out he hooked up with a couple girls in the nursing program too. While he was hooking up with me. I felt so betrayed and so stupid. I knew we weren’t official but I thought, as a friend, he wouldn’t do that to me. 

Every relationship I listen was fucked up. Every relationship tore a little piece of my soul. Every time I did drugs to deal with it made me more and more desensitized. I’ve become more and more like a zombie.

Now, relating to those quotes I posted from Wasted.

I’m 27 years old. I meet a guy from a dating app. Amazing guy. Funny. Cute. Has a real badass job - a firefighter. We have a lot in common. Go on a few dates. Then it becomes official. Feels kinda weird. I haven’t had an official boyfriend since my first boyfriend in college. That’s 8 years ago. Anyway. Tried hooking up with him. This guy’s almost like a virgin. Only had sex with one girl. Makes me look kinda bad, compared to my 6 sex partners. So obviously, this guy’s inexperienced kinda. Never even foreplayed before. I had to teach him things. Got some of it down. Tried having sex once. Didn’t workout. Not even sure he put the condom on correctly. After attempting for like 5 mins but which felt like 30, we decided this is not the night. I’m not used to this. I’ve never been the “experienced” one in the hookup. Feels like I’m hooking up with someone much younger than me even though he’s older. Not his fault. He tried to wait till marriage too, cept he lost his v-card like a year or two ago. This guy’s pretty much pure. Literally, nothing he’s doing is wrong. And there’s room for learning. So I try to move past it. It’s no big deal. Other than that, he’s got a golden personality. Such a gentleman. Takes me out, tried pulling a chair out for me, pays for me, just all those little gestures, being respectful. Very sweet. He even got interested in my religion and started going to church with me. Which no guy I’ve dated would EVER do. But it’s normal. And I’m not normal. I’m not used to this. This is foreign to me. He likes me too much. I’m his wallpaper on his phone. It freaks me out. I’m too nice to say anything about it. I don’t wanna hurt his feelings. He’s already done so much for me. He went as far as meeting my scary family. Oh and my family likes him. Which is also a new concept to me. I didn’t dare introduce anyone to my family since my first college boyfriend. I’ve been going behind their backs to meet up with guy because I knew they wouldn’t approve. This guy treats me right. He’s not a douche. But I tend to find little pet peeves in certain things he does to push myself away from him. Which is ridiculous considering I let a guy treat me like shit for 2 years. Twice. Now my mom is getting all excited about me dating someone. Starts bringing up marriage. I fucking can’t. I already feel so uncomfortable. This normal behavior does not feel normal to me. It all happened too fast. I feel like we missed a “friend” stage. This is exactly why I hate dating apps. You already know you’re interested in each other. You skip the friend stage. You skip wondering “I wonder if he likes me” or trying to impress someone. You swiped right or whatever, you started talking, you went on dates, and you’re like “ok I could date this person, I like them”. It just does not seem genuine. Did he know I’d be such a spazz with anxiety when we became official? No he did not. Maybe if we remained just friend for longer he would know. He wants to me a dad one day. Idk if I could be a mom. I feel like I have at least 3 mental illnesses going on right now. Depression, anxiety, maybe a little mix of PTSD and OCD. I’m insane. I don’t want to put anyone through what my first college boyfriend put me through. I don’t wish all that permanent brain damage upon anyone.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen now. I just hung out with him. We watched a movie. And he wanted to get cuddley or whatever. I couldn’t do it. Any time he touched me today my muscles would get tense. I got so anxious. He asked me what’s wrong. I said I don’t feel touchy. He asked why. I said I’m depressed. Then it just got worse. My mouth got dry. Sympathetic system going crazy. I had to leave. I needed to calm down. I went by the gas station and bought a pack of cigarettes probably for the first time in a year. I went to Danny’s house and hung out with him and Mike. I didn’t wanna go home until I calmed down. I needed to be around someone who did not expect any loving gesture from me. I needed to be around someone I could be my own stupid self and not hurt anyone’s feelings. 

I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t want anyone’s feelings depending on me. I can really hurt people. Not because I want to. But because they get so invested in me and start to care about me and then when they see me suffer it hurts them. After all those shitty relationships I’ve learned to take care of myself and be emotionally independent. And I’m so so scared that I’m always gonna be like that. I’m gonna end up alone because I’m too scared to let anyone else in. I’m sick in the head. And sadly, so so sadly, it’s become normal for me.