#we need to way waaaay weirder about him

[marshmcore]

I miss having korean bbq and those souju adds on the water bottles,,, so imagine how cunty and pretty demo would be if he was an idol and shilling this family whiskey/scrumpy???

HE’S SO CUNTY I NEED MORE AAAAAA

[deltaclaws]

Writing Scraps- Creature’s Comfort

I’ve found as I’ve started writing again that I go through two different openings before finding one that sticks, and I keep those on the doc in case I liked the previous one better.

Because I think these things are neat and it’s not quite the same as posting a sketch dump, I’m gonna share the stuff I don’t use and label them Writing Scraps for easier reference. With that, here’s two intros for an upcoming fic that I didn’t like as much but thought they’d be fun to share.

Opening #1-

Sun Wukong had seen sick mortals before. Seen sick immortals too- he himself had been severely under the weather several times in his very long life. The king could tell when a cold was from natural causes or a curse inflicted on somebody. Sun Wukong had also had front row seats for sicknesses that, to this day, leave him wanting to drag his eyes through dirt as some sort of solace to the disgusting images burned into his brain.

A thought that had only crossed his mind once in the past year was what would happen if his successor-turned-kid got ill, and that potentially disastrous line of intrusive thoughts only came about because MK told him of the cursed meatballs he ate when Wukong was away.

“So, did you actually win anything, or was that stunt purely for bragging rights?” he drawled as he leaned against a recently pulverized rock, one eyebrow quirked in a way that said 'This is hilarious and I am never letting you forget it’.

MK tapped his staff down firmly and squared up his shoulders, looking prouder than he had any right to be. “Well I had to set a new record!” he stated, before the proud stance melted into a more humbled slouch, and his student brought his hand up to rub the side of his face sheepishly. “Definitely not worth the city-shaking hiccups, or making Sandy go on a conveniently timed quest for the cure…”

Opening #2-

Sun Wukong liked keeping the technology he used limited. Not for any “The good old days were better” reasons, because indoor plumbing, WiFi, and video games are easily in his Top 5 list of best innovations and no one will ever pry those from his cold, stone hands.

It was strictly for his privacy. His lawyer had to fight him literally tooth and nail to get another computer- too many instances of people finding his one and only personal email years back had led to some very interesting letters. Letters that some lower deities would consider curses to the eyes for their content.

Because no, Sun Wukong will not be sending pictures of any kind to anyone, he will not look at any pictures his weirder fans send him, and he’d prefer to be stewed alive before he read another story that shared waaaay too much personal information.

Even with those very good reasons presented in a very professional manner to his lawyer, he was shot down.

“Handwritten letters from your Fortress of Solitude take ages to get here Wukong. I’m tired of playing Heavenly Messenger to get your approval for these licenses, Wukong.”. While he could’ve argued with that, after getting a new laptop and seeing how fast communication had gotten with computers, he conceded that it was a solid investment alone for getting his lawyer off his back. Now he just needed to answer those emails.

A laptop, a TV, and a gaming console were all he wanted. It was simple! Three easy outlets to enjoy the near infinite library of digital media, and an avenue for his contacts to message him and be promptly ignored.

Then MK became a part of his life again, almost two years went by, and now he had a phone. Arguments of ‘It’s helpful! We can contact each other without using monkey mind powers! I can send you all my favorite memes!’ wore him down faster than anything. Possibly because the kid also used the underhanded move of the puppy dog face combined with a little guilt tripping. Just dusted on top, like some guilty sugar.

[galaxythreads]

Hi, this is probably a strange ask, but even tho I know I haven't really commented on your fics, I remember reading them and being really impressed with how well you capture each character's distinct personality (particularly with the Loki and Avengers fics). So I guess my question is, how do you motivate yourself to write stories? I have so many fic ideas (and original stories) that just linger in my head all the time, but I find it difficult to motivate myself to write it out. Do you have the same problem? Is there anything you do to overcome the issue?

nah, you're good. i've gotten waaaay weirder asks before.

Motivation is a really hard thing. I think that any writer you ask in any form will admit to having motivation struggles at some point or another.

As I wrote my original novel last year, one of the things I discovered about motivation is that...it's different than what we typically think about it as. There were days I woke up and I really wanted to work on my novel, there were others where I could barely scrape a few sentences out of myself.

The thing about me personally and how I deal with this issue is I don't rely just on motivation. I have a schedule. On average, I try to get at least 500 words a day (at a bare minimum), which is about 1 page. often times, it's more than that (like 4-7). The more you write consistently, the easier it will be able to find motivation because you know what you're doing. Writing is just the tool to get there. Writing is a skill and the skill needs to be practiced more than once every couple of months if you want to see yourself make any progress.

I try to write a chapter in something once a week. For a long time that was in fics, which is why I've been able to make 150+ (counting my old account) fics, 80+ over 4k. Right now the majority of that energy is going into my original series. But the thing is, in order to write the chapter, I know I'm not going to be motivated every single day, but it's a habit now. Routine. I don't always want to write, but my day doesn't feel complete without it. I work on a chapter. That's what I do.

my advice for overcoming the motivation barrier is this: set aside time to write every single day. Ten minutes, thirty, etc and stick to that for two weeks. If you only manage to write two pages, that's two pages you didn't have before. If you don't want to write weekends, don't. Motivation will not get you a complete fic. Routine will.

And the most IMPORTANT thing about this is that those are absolutely allowed to be garbage pages. Write 10 pages of garbage. That's you in the future's problem, right now you in the present only has to focus on making sure the words get down.

But what will help you enjoy writing the fic is having something you're working for. That scene you want to write, the specific line you want to write, you need to have goals and things you want to explore in the fic as you work on it so that way you feel like you're reaching milestones. Milestones like:

chapter 1 - clint and Loki argue over the book, clint falls asleep and loki wakes him up because he can tell he's scared

chapter 5 - clint and Loki talk to Chitauri

Chapter 9 - they find Thor

stuff YOU WANT TO WRITE. Motivation is what you want to write, it's why you feel excited to write. Motivation is not some sacred untouchable thing. It's literally excitement. And that's why you can't rely on it every single day to get you a fic/story. Because you will not feel excited for every single part of the fic/story. That's literally impossible. Sometimes writing is boring or painful or just. bleh. it doesn't mean it will read that way, but you feel that way.

But that part you are excited for -- that makes writing it worth it in the end. You reach those goals and those milestones and the motivation makes it worth it.

So I would recommend trying to write every day as best as you can, and then set up some milestones for yourself, vague/not vague. If you can have an idea of what's coming in the next chapter, you're usually going to be more motivated to work on it because you are excited for the next chapter.

Hopefully, this helps a little, please let me know if you want clarification/expansion on anything!

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S1 Ep 25: Yugi Has (Another) Melt Down

It’s the weekend, so lets sit down to some Yugioh. Recently, our protagonist has had a pretty big break up--with himself.  Pharaoh was either just so exasperated or just so drained that he didn’t even show up this episode, I gather because he’s still pissed that Yugi didn’t do a murder.

Yugi’s voice actor, I’m sure, breathed a sigh of relief because sometimes it’s super apparent that this is just one guy arguing with himself in a sound booth and he sometimes doesn’t fully flip form person to person as he’s jumping up and down 2 octaves.

So, Yugi does what people do when they break up, by flopping down catatonic at the steps of Generic Castle.

If you’re the same age as the kids I work with who think Greenday is “retro,” first of all, how dare you, and second of all, you’re probably too young to know the most emo album of the 00′s, Transantlanticism, AKA the album that gave America depression for about 4 years. I guess you too-young children don’t get know the sound of slowly sinking into a tar pit while beautiful little birds cry on your face.

Anyway, I just erased about 5 rants about smol kids calling the the Killers “retro”, so I’ll segway back to the anime at hand before I do it, yet again. Uf, my weakness.

Yugi’s friends are doing whatever they can to try and reach Yugi without actually doing the emotional labor of trying to reach Yugi. They can physically move him around (and my guess is that they’ve just been picking him up by the scruff of the neck like a kitten and just walking him place to place.) When they straight up ask what they can do, he has a predictable reply of no reply at all.

(read more under the cut)

Like I make fun of this show a lot, but this is some interesting stuff. I have seen so many people wax long about Sailor Moon for their college theses but, very few get on the Yugioh train despite the fact that there’s some good literary action going on here. You have to parse through some voice acting but, I mean--we’ve all seen the original Sailor Moon dub.

It’s also completely--sorry I’m listening to Transatlanticism as I type this and they just got to the cowbells. Gotta live in the moment for a little bit. Ugh, so good. OK, cowbells over--anyways, this show is also completely nutballs, but it’s a shame that it’s reputation for being a wacky nutballs extravaganza distract from the fact that there’s some clever subtle(-ish) stuff going on underneath it.

So, lets dive a wee bit deeper. Not super far mind you, most of those waaaay too deep college anime papers are nonsense that the student wrote at 4AM on 5 redbulls (SO ENTERTAINING THOUGH), but, lets step back about 3 or 4 episodes from here.

I realized something kind of obvious that went right over my head until this episode. It’s a riddle:

A boy walking through the woods comes to a crossroads. Two twins are standing there, and they explain one lies and one tells the truth, and one way down the fork is certain death and the other way is the way home. The boy decides “Oh, yeah, I know this one,” and starts solving the riddle, but then realizes very quickly that both the twins are liars. The riddle cannot be solved. Either fork in the road will always lead to death.

At the time I didn’t understand the riddle, I looked online and got only other confused people, but now it makes sense why there was no real answer. Yugi and Pharaoh are the two lying twins at the crossroads. Yugi and Pharaoh are a type of twin: they look the same, they finish each other’s thoughts, they both can’t stop withholding information, they also share the same body.

The riddle of ParaDox wasn’t really about how to get out of the labyrinth, it was to illustrate this choice that Yugi will never be able to make. He cannot be cured. He can’t escape his mind-labyrinth. While Yugi could choose to completely become the Pharaoh or completely become Yugi, both choices would end in a type of death for the other.

And apparently, Yugi deciding to go full-Yugi is a lot like watching Windows reboot itself on safe mode.

Bless this story boarder.

Nice of Mai to show up just a few minutes too late. She could have just given 5 chips to Kaiba but whatever. Speaking of Kaiba.

And that’s where Kaiba’s gonna be for the rest of the episode. Kaiba’s walking speed must be at an ants pace to explain this season.

Meanwhile, Mai decides to show off her own strange form of tough love. It’s very similar to Joeys, and very much not what Yugi needs right now. Can anyone on this show recognize what a break down looks like?

At least everyone else’s weird approach to self care does make for good TV.

Maybe it was poor animation but I really think based on other people’s reactions that she was trying to fake punch the kid. Seems to be a normal reaction in the Yugioh universe to just punch punch punch until it all works out.

Also Mai is way more productive than the rest of them combined. It’s kind of unfair that the clearly best player here is clearly not going to win this tourney. I’d do the math exactly, I exaggerated for this panel, but I believe she won 10 chips in one day? About?

The show never actually has Yugi say “I don’t want help, leave me alone.” but about ten episodes back we saw this same exchange with Mai and Yugi but in the reverse. Interesting parallel. Of course, now it’s got the added element of no one wants to be the first to tell Mai that Yugi nearly killed the head of Kaiba Corp. Youknow...the people who are, in fact, funding and hosting this tournament.

I mean I guess it would be weird to bring up that 10 minutes ago Kaiba was standing on a ledge and Yugi was flinging a hologram yo-yo at him but what could be weirder than this already is?

Tea can duel!? I mean I guess we saw her deck once, back when Bakura talked shop before he youknow...turned them into cards...but man, I thought everyone on the show would end up dueling before Tea does.

So, they decided to hike all the way to platform 15. I haven’t been keeping track of their numbers but like...how many are even on this island? How many are hanging out never to be used again because No One Lives Here?

So is Tea any good at cards? I mean she’s not NOT not dating a card wizard Pharaoh.

She’s not. She’s not good at cards. I mean...she’s Tea.

Also, Tea never shuts up about the power of friendship through this whole fight. It was like...girl there comes a point. You passed the point. This is past the comfortable point.

Why, Tea?

I get the feeling that this show was written by writers who knew their forte and it was not romance.

This shot right here is the closest we’ve gotten to romance this season. Incredible.

And again, I don’t want it to happen, I’m just surprised that the writers didn’t, either.

Joey kinda leans over to Yugi after a while and is like “IS ANY OF THIS GETTING TO YOU!? CAN YOU HEAR ME LIL BUDDY!?” and Yugi’s like “I’m standing right next to you!”

It’s during this that Mai delivers some hard to swallow pills. Things that aren’t necessarily wrong.

We got the only two girls on a show that funnels girls into the emotional support role fighting it out to see who has the right form of moral support. The honest answer is they both do, in their own weird way.

Tea standing up to Mai inspires Yugi to stand up to his dark side, because apparently Mai is just a darkside version of Tea? Kind of a weird thing to inspire him but the episode needed a clean solution to this problem that they’ve already told us can’t ever be solved.

Yugi’s eyes dilate back to their normal scary hell state, he makes eye contact with his friends again, and he is ready to move this plot forward.

Because...Tea? I dunno.

GOL THIS FACE.

So lets get this straight--he hasn’t spoken a word to Pharaoh, he’s just decided "Well Tea can’t be wrong so we’re good now” and booked it straight for card wizard Magic Palace? Again, this bizarre heel turn would actually make sense if these two had shown any sort of...wait...

Did they have to edit out the romance in post? Is that what happened? That’s what happened, wasn’t it?

Anyways, next week, on Yugioh, maybe we’ll get an actual resolution to this problem. Also:

Who will Yugi almost kill next? Will Kaiba have to walk down yet another hallway with a big ass endless rug? Is Bandit Keith just lounging in Pegasus’ infinity pool drinking strawberry juice out of a wine glass through all this?

[dramaclover]

Justice Bao: The First Year - A Rant

This drama was not a fun ride. AT ALL. I watched it for the cast and by the cast -specifically Nancy Wu & Raymond Cho, along with the case guests Zoie Tam, Roxanne Tong, Katy Kung. This drama took like 5 months to film, with them travelling to China to shoot outdoor scenes. It is by all means considered a big production.... so I was caught off guard by how badly it turned out.

The Bad

The cinematography was beautiful unfortunately, that seems to be the only thing done right. The sets that were filmed in the studio looked very fake. In fact some of the sets looks like they just reused from a 80s ancient drama. There were also times where you can tell they were standing in front of a green screen. CGI effect was waaaay off. The makeup on Justice Bao - the main character was so very blotchy. You could tell that wasn’t his natural colour. I don’t get how they managed to make that error? They should be able to tell just by looking at him, that’s how uneven the make up was. Angles and lighting has nothing to do with that. The clothing for the main characters were boring. Of course it’s not gonna be as pretty and elaborate of other dramas but it’s like they didn’t even try. Especially the case with Fuk Lan played by Grace Chan had the most cheap looking outfit. She literally looks like she’s wearing a dress bought from a Halloween store. It looks like the fabric could be ripped easily. I know she’s a guest star so maybe tvb just didn’t bother making her a good quality costume? I guess I can’t blame them on that end.

The Ugly

Actors & actresses are very crucial. Ranging from acting skills to straight out popularity and of course the dreaded favouritism. And because of TVB choosing who to push, some ended up getting miscast. I think we can all agree Owen Cheung as Chin Chiu was the ultimate miscast over here. His built was very small and that’s not his fault. Unfortunately when he stands or even sits next to Justice Bao played by Shaun Tam & Gong Sun Ce played by Raymond Cho, he just looks tiny. It doesn’t look like he is capable of protecting them. If anything it looks like they need to protect him back. Owen just does not have that ‘hero’ feel, he’s just small. He’s not bad looking, he’s acting isn’t bad but physically he doesn’t suit the role. And I’m pretty sure he garnered more haters due to this. Dumb part on TVBs end considering Matt Yeung was the first choice to play Chin Chiu before they decided to go with Owen instead. Elaine Yiu as Gei Nim Nim, now acting wise she’s good. Elaine has always been stable when it comes to acting, especially her crying scenes. What went wrong here, is that she portrays a young maid. A maid of a princess that is obviously years younger than her - by a lot. With Elaine’s age she should be a nanny to the princess or in charge of some department. It just felt awkward to have her portray someone that’s supposed to be that much younger. It’s even weirder cause she’s supposed to be the personal maid of the princess. (Personal maids tend to be younger or same age as them) I felt uncomfortable and it didn’t help the princess was so young looking.

The Terrible

I start thinking - okay maybe the cases will be so good you look past all the other bad stuff. Well I was wrong. The cases ranged from predictable to boring to straight up confusion. It’s like they thought hmmm “Let’s not make fantasy cases” to “never mind”. All the cases were by all means caused by other humans. Except Fuk Lans case went down the make belief road. Fuk Lan is a princess of a tribe and she can live forever. She also holds a flower that once is eaten, they can never die. She basically experiments with people and have them drink concoctions that turns them into zombies accidentally. This is the part I don’t get. Why all of a sudden add a fiction element to a straight laced drama? And honestly that arc was boring and I’m still hella confused on what happened to Fuk Lan in the end. Like did she see a mirage? Did she die in the end? But how can she die if she’s supposed to live forever? Was that village real? So she experimented on innocent people that caused deaths & she gets away scot free? Like what on earth is going on. I was pissed that its never talked about again. They literally moved onto a different case and pretended all this fantasy stuff never happened. What a waste of my time on that arc. Whatever moving on. Tam Wai Guk played by Susan Tse is a miracle doctor that saved countless lives with her medical skills. What did she do wrong? She helped someone die aka Euthanasia. The one who passed away was bind to a wheel chair and basically became ‘worthless’ & his father is basically torturing him by having him stay alive. The doctor understood and agreed to help him with death. In this case they went around in circles choosing between letting her live or having her die. In the end Justice Bao was fiercely against having her live - to him killing is killing doesn’t matter even if it’s what the other person wanted. So she gets killed off. Okay no problem. Euthanasia has always been a touchy subject and heavily debated upon even today. The problem is Justice Bao is an idiot. His wife Gei Nim Nim turns out to be an assassin sent to be by his side. Throughout the story she has killed countless of people even an innocent little boy. What does he do after he finds out his wife is a cold blooded murderer? He just accepts it. Like ladeedada my wife is a killer BUT she has her reasons. She was threatened. She didn’t mean to hurt those people. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU. You literally just chopped the doctors head off cause she did a mercy killing. ONE mercy killing where the victim knew what he was getting into. Never mind the doctor has SAVED so many people. Never mind so many people were against the doctors death. She had to die. While your wife killed so many but let’s pretend that didn’t happen. Anyways Justice Bao tries to save her and protect her. Despite him going on a spiel about murder is murder in the previous case. So dumb. And I’m disgusted with Justice Baos actions. I know this was supposed to be a sentimental love story about his undying love for his wife. His wife that he thought was kind and caring. But actually is a ruthless killer. But I was not feeling it. Maybe if the doctor arc never happened I wouldn’t feel this way. Other cases I didn’t mention means it was too predictable or it was so boring I forgot what even happened. I only remembered these 2 so clearly cause it pissed me off and was so ridiculously written.

The Horrible

What kind of stupid ending was that? Pong Zik played by Lee Shing Cheong was a villain. He did a lot of evil deeds and was just not a nice person. He gets accused of killing his wife played by Strawberry Yeung, but that gets resolved. So what, cause he’s not the killer, he’s allowed to go back to being the great chancellor? He doesn’t even like his wife, so with her death - he’s literally roaming free. Like with Fuk Lan the bad person gets away free. He’s still a chancellor so he’s still rich and living a comfortable life in the palace. What happened to punishing those who do wrong? Because that’s not what happened here clearly in 2 DIFFERENT CASES. The Emperor is a literal piece of shit that should be dethroned. He’s a puppet to the Empress Dowager & all he cares about is being the Emperor. Like your consort that you basically begged to marry you, died along with your child. Not only do you not try to get revenge you try to play it out like everything is fine. You are just a horny good for nothing person that only became the Emperor cause of your stupidity. Ugh he’s literally the worst character in the drama. Tong Hui San played by Kelly Fu deserved better than this lustful Emperor. One minute he says he loves her & she’s her one and only, next thing she crowns another concubine behind her back. I know. I know he’s the Emperor. No way is he just gonna have have one wife. Well then don’t make empty promises & then go behind her back. She only entered the palace cause she believed you really loved her. Instead she just suffered there. The last 15 minutes of the last episode made ZERO SENSE. What were the writers smoking when they wrote that? I’m not even exaggerating. I can’t even explain the ending cause I don’t even know what happened. I know what they were trying to do. They were trying to aim for a sequel that will NEVER EVER HAPPEN cause this was a failure of a drama. I gotta give props to them though cause it got people talking. Cause people like us are trying to make sense of what happened. Ugh I don’t even know. I’m wasting my time being so frustrated with this crappy ending. Usually open endings makes me want a sequel just so it can resolve the questions... but for this NOPE. I DONT WANT IT. I’m just gonna pretend I’ve never watched that. I can live not knowing what the eff happened.

The Only Silver Lining

Only interesting case was about Wan Chin Yu played by Nancy Wu, her Father played by KK Cheung and her adopted sister Tong Hui San. But their case unfortunately plays out throughout the drama, so you cannot just skip episodes or you’ll be heavily confused or you just won’t be as invested. I do admit that the last few episodes featuring the 3 of them were very good. It was gripping. When you find out that the Father was evil all along and killed Hui San. It was shocking - I really believed he loved them both despite them being adopted. He was always so attentive and supportive. To find out he was using both of them the whole time and just discarded them when he no longer needed them shocked me. Hui Sans death was so sad. She was so innocent & didn’t even understand what was happening. This arc, the cinematography, stellar acting by KK Cheung & Raymond Cho were the only saving grace in this drama. But even with these good points it’s still a drama not worth watching.

Final Thoughts

DONT EVER WATCH THIS DRAMA. The writers literally stuck up the middle finger to the viewers hoping to see a NORMAL ending. SKIP THIS DRAMA. You are not missing out. Waste of the actresses & actors used in this. Waste of the viewers time. Also tarnished the Justice Bao name. Excuse me while I go bleach my brain.

[fandomfriendly]

I want to be all diary like rn

so like I could just make a note of whatever I’m bout to say but I want it like live forever and i know literally no one on this damn site cares about what i have to say so here I am lol..

I’ve been in this weird pit of overwhelming emotions accompanied by the incapability of processing them for the past few years. It took me so much time to even realize I had such a problem with allowing myself to be a regular fuckin human and initially when I first started seeing the signs of how mentally unhealthily I was living I didn’t know what the fuck to do and abruptly cut off pretty much everything and everyone I loved. I became a fucking hermit. I kept telling myself I was doing it for the better, that I cut everything off and am gonna take my time to heal and grow as a person and when I feel better i will try to rekindle with everything and whatever doesn’t work, just wasn’t meant to be. Which is a mentally unhealthy thing to do in the first place and potentially not only harmed myself but those around me but life’s a fuckin cycle of realizing shit so,,,

Anyways I went through some hella hard times filled with anxiety and depression, literally every day was either full of tears and feeling every emotion at once or was empty and ghost like. But I pushed through it. I learned a lot about my self and how my mind works. I grew as a person and still am. I’m not sharpest in a lot of ways but i know I just want to be a kind and accepting person, not that I wasn’t all those years ago, it’s just that back then I couldn’t present myself as such as I didn’t even have the fucking motivation to live. I mean I like to think I was kind in others eyes but I also fucking hate thinking about what others might think me so again,,, lol. I just know now that I’m trying to be a better person, and I’m trying to learn more and do more this year than I have in the past four years.

I’m writing this now because I’m in a really good state of mind. This month alone I’ve had conversations I never thought I would with people that are so close to me yet knew so little about. That sounds so cryptic lmao. Basically i spoke with my closest family members about struggles mentally and the past and how emotionally traumatizing it was for them and in turn I allowed myself to open up about the exact same thing. A specific convo was with my mom, a woman who has been through hell and back. She told me about past abuse, most of which I was there to witness and we have talked about before, but this time it was different because we spoke as equals. I’m gonna be honest I didn’t open up as much as I could have but it felt like I finally walked over a hill I was dreading for so long. I used to just be a good fake and slap a smile on in difficult time probably not fooling anyone. It’s always been a problem opening up to my family and friends but send me a stranger and I’ll talk their ear off.. well sorta, so like in high school i saw a grief counselor who i guess was technically my therapist but she was a total stranger and the second she asked what I even need to see her for, I broke down. I swear she said like two sentences but I rashly explained all the shit i was dealing with in between fits of tears. At the second meeting I felt like she knew my whole life but somehow I still had more to say?? I literally don’t know how I was so comfortable sharing all that with a stranger so fast like I get it’s her profession and I would’ve opened up eventually and that it could’ve clicked in the back of my mind like ‘why waste time just tell her everything now!’ But idk I think if I were to talk with a stranger that is willing to listen, I would legit do the same thing.. idk.

Anyways, opening up in the slightest bit feels like a major accomplishment. And the fact that i could with my mom who, god bless her, did so much that was seemingly unhealthy and careless to others but meant the world to me, felt amazing. There’s that thing about high school being the time of your life and living it up- a pre show of college which I wasn’t really expecting to be true in the first place but what I didn’t expect was to be emotionally unstable dealing with anxiety, depression, self hatred and grief. So when all this shit hit me like a truck, I was left feeling numb not wanting to do anything with little to no interest in any previous hobbies and likings. I grew up feeling said things^ but didn’t realize until hs how worse it got over time. In the midst of all of that I didn’t know what to do and was having frequent anxiety attacks and even though I couldn’t explain it at all, my mom had a sort of understanding and allowed me to stay home like every damn day. Like I said wasn’t the greatest thing to do but it helped in its own way. In the first years of hs my relationship with my mom was rocky but towards the end she screwed her head on and became more mama bird then ever. We bonded and it felt much better, almost like we rekindled after a long time. Which is kinda true.

Another thing I realized in the past four years was how normalized death was to me growing up. Like by the time I was eight I went through at least six funerals which to my Catholic Mexican/Filipino family meant six mortuary family reunions, six forty day prayers full of greeting mama and papas, being one of the only children to not be playing in the backyard but rather doing the rosary with the adults and what my fam called the ‘Filipino golden girls’ singing walk with thee. Not to mention the other annual prayers with said golden girls where we had a Jesus of Nazareth statue that traveled from the Philippines for a whole week and just prayed for mercy and the souls of our dearly deceased. Like this was the norm for me.. but ALL of that did not prepare me for the deaths of two of the most important people to me. I mean I guess it did because after one of the passings, after a ton of tears and goodbyes in a hospital room, I got in the car and on the way home and immediately thought about where the nice tablecloth was and the saint statues and how to move the table we used as an alter at the previous prayers. So yeah I was prepared but not for the emotions.

Back to why I’m writing this now, i just feel happy??? Idk why this past week was a rollercoaster but overall I felt happy,,,, idk. Imma elaborate..(holy shit I said I could talk the ear off a stranger and look at me spilling hella shit about me rn to the three strangers who’ll see this and scroll right past lmao.) So hmmm, there was a party hosted at my house recently and I was hella excited, I felt like I looked great and was ready to party but as all other times when there’s a gathering of any sort at my house, this weird overwhlelming feeling pops up and fucks everything up. It’s basically a fucking anxiety attack but soooo much weirder than the ones I dealt with in school. I mean they’re both basically the same but these ones felt worse. Because not being able to leave my room for school full of kids I barely knew and not being able to leave my room for a patio full of family and friends that I’m mostly close too should not result in the same form of anxiety. Idk tho it’s all in my sick brain!! but yeah that shit sucked I stayed in my room the whole night, hungry and sober which were two of the things I was absolutely not supposed to be!! There were tacos, &(oops) my fave tequila, good music and fun things planned but that didn’t stop my sick brain from telling me nO. And another thing in this glorious month is —Father’s Day. liSTEN I’m hella damaged nd am not trying to get into ALL of this but to keep it short, my dad who wasn’t in my life until I was one and only very briefly until I was thirteen which also turned out to be very briefly until I was eighteen which you guessed, was also very briefly, just isn’t a good dad. i have a half sibling who I feel so bad for because her parents are literal idiots that just shouldn’t have had kids because they can barely take care of themselves. But the very brief moment when I was eighteen was because of said halfsibling that I was worried for but as of now that family is it’s own and I’m nowhere near it nor do I want to be. But really I wasn’t struggling with my own dad issues this time around but rather my grandpa. It’s just that i know Father’s Day is hard for him because he lost my grandma who gave him his babygirl, my momma. And I didn’t push any emotional induced conversation at all. But as we ate dinner the conversation was about how well he used to get paid as a server waaaay back when and that he’d have stacks in his pocket lmao we were like yeh okay as a waiter all right,, and he sorta slipped up and said, “No really! Ask Mama!” And I’m pretty sure only me and my brother in law heard because he moved on really quickly and there were side convos happening but like a wave of emotions came over me. I teared up the second I heard him say her name because it just reminded me more about how hard this day must be for him. And my throat is swelling up jus typing about it rn so I’m not gonna get eVEN more into it.

But yeah overall June has been okay. I have felt okay. And after months of not going on here I just thought “why not type about this?? This content feelin is all I crave and have been longing for and whenever I get it, in even the slightest, it should be appreciated and remembered.”

Whoop so like what’s some good things that happened in the last few months. Hmmm

Well I’m just finally acting, in the tiniest way ever, as an adult. I didn’t take grip of my life yet but like I took A STEP!!

I’ve got new things I like and am more open than ever to new things.

I’ve got hobbies!! I’m growing mint and wanna start and herb garden. I’m reading and learning a new language that I’ll probably never use but I’m learning it for fun and not for a grade or something and am taking my time with it. And a new language brings so much more!! More people, music, shows and writing!! I mean I’m at a hella basic level but all of those things are helping me.

I’ve thought about reigniting old flames lmao that sounds like getting intouch with old lovers but no. I mean creatively. In the past three years I barely even thought about drawing and in the past few months I found myself thinking about things I could draw up and cool ways to mix medias. I actually looked for my sketchbook and was gonna test it out but I saw some of my old work and got nostalgic and was almost putting myself in my shoes from that year and like that didn’t sit well so I haven’t tried. bUT at least I’m thinking about it again. I really think imma start again soon and just the thought of that makes me happy!!

I took up writing and the result is exactly what I thought,,, I suck at writing lmao but I tried and it was fun and it led me to find some writers online that made me cry over some fictional characters. some were fan fiction and??? A writer no less.. which really doesn’t need to be explained more especially on this site lol

I’m getting healthier. Not that I was suuuuper bad before but it was good either. I did have some horrible eating and sleep habits. I swear I was addicted to food like I ate to fill a void in me idk but l changed that shit real quick. And as for sleep,, well it’s still shit. Considering I started typing this at nearly six am nowhere near tired. Lately I’ve been falling asleep around 6:30am which indeed results in my waking up at noon or past it even but it’ll surely go back to the usual 2:30 to 10:30am schedule. Not too bad...

I’m dressing up again! I don’t go anywhere but catch me looking cute in a fit at home or 7-11. lol I used to be hella into getting dolled up for school and used to play around with hair cuts and colors and different makeup but then suddenly it was like mAYbe I’ll do my eyebrows today and rather than choosing good outfits I would wake up and change from my actual pjs to my outside pjs, loungewear, if you will.

Idk man i just am okay right now and that’s enough to keep me going. I haven’t had a really low point for a few months now and like I said I don’t get this content feeling very often so I’m just really soaking it all up. It’s good, I’m good.. 2018 is fucking flying and I didn’t think I’d get into new things this year but I did and I’m exited for more!!