#we organized a cookie decorating party and only 4 people came

[choking-on-roses]

Here's a thought.

If you want things to "feel" like Christmas, you need to put some effort in.

Put up those Christmas decorations even though it's a chore.

Buy a gift for someone even though the shops are crowded and wrapping gifts sucks.

Make plans with people you care about even if it's a pain in the ass.

Buy a stupid Christmas sweater and wear it. Do some Christmas baking.

And most importantly, go find the people in your life (probably women lbr) and thank them for all the tireless effort they put in to make sure you had a festive Christmas in your childhood.

Don't just sit around and refuse to contribute and then complain that it doesn't "feel" like Christmas.

[suicidalcatz]

DOG DAYS ARE OVER : CHAP 13

Pairing : Jake Kiszka x reader

Genre : College AU

Previous parts : Prologue, Chap 1, Chap 2, Chap 3, Chap 4, Chap 5, Chap 6, Chap 7, Chap 8, Chap 9, Chap 10, Chap 11, Chap 12

Masterlist : here

AN : The bitch is back, it’s me, I’m the bitch. How are you ? Good I hope! In this chapter, you go back to school, reunite with the boys, and Josh has plans for the lot of you. I’m having troubles writing these days, so forgive me if I’m a bit late starting next week, I’ll do my best. I have plenty of ideas, I just feel like I’m writing like a 8 yo these days, you know ? So we’ll see. Thanks for your support, feel free to message me anytime or send me anon stuff !

Chapitre 13 : What happened ?

Christmas Holiday wasn't that soothing. Teachers didn't care about it, and gave us a substantial amount of homework. Snow refused to fall, letting the outside air dry and the days getting darker and darker. All my friends were with their families anyway so there wasn't anything to do except staying warm at home, stuffing my stomach with food and listening to the everlasting rerun of Home Alone while painting quietly next to the heater. Despite the weather it was comforting. The whole place smelled like food, and each and every houses in the street shined in the night with vibrant lights. The boys had both texted me with greetings and pictures of their colorful tree, letting me take a peak at their home, like a peeping tom trying to get a glimpse in between the curtains. A member of their family must've taken the picture because the twins were posing next to the huge tree, wearing their traditional ugly sweaters as Josh had mentioned before. Jake was holding Josh on his shoulders, purposely looking silly with a big toothy grin on his face, while Josh was dangerously reaching out to put the golden star on top of the highest branch, looking like he was screaming when the picture had been taken.

It had been a week and I missed them already. And the thought of getting them presents was knocking more and more at the door of my mind. We didn't live in the same city at all afterall so we sure didn't have the same souvenirs... Lost in thought, I played with Jake's rings, idly making them turn around my fingers as they were too big for them. The boy had forgotten them at the top of Mandy and I's fridge after our paint fight. When I saw they were still where he had left them, the urge to take them with me to play with them at all times was too big for me to resist. Removing one from my index finger, I studied it, enjoying the way it rolled between my digits. Of course I'll give them back to him, but in the meantime maybe that'll help with the Christmas present...

Coming back to school after the holidays was always a challenge, but after New Year's Eve it was even worse. We all went back two or three days sooner in order to unpack, get re-accustomed to living in the dorms and finish our homework, for some of us who had more space to work here than at their home. Even with the only presence of the dorms' residents, campus looked like a scene from The Walking Dead, and the twins were no exception. They already seemed to enjoy booze a little too much for their own good on a regular basis, so I didn't even wanted to think about how they partied for New Year's Eve. Despite their excitment to see us again when we met in the morning, Josh still looked slightly drunk, and Jake had purple bags under his eyes like he didn't sleep in years. Everybody melted together in a tight group hug, Mandy by my side and a twin on each of my shoulders, exchanging « I missed you »s and « Happy New Year »s. They didn't let us any time to recover though, as Josh had the fantastic idea to organize a private Christmas party in his room. Jake blinked at him, looking like he didn't know about it in the slightlest until just now.

- I really missed ya, y'know ? So I thought we should arrange a party, just for us.

- Should we exchange gifts ?, asked Mandy.

- I already have some for you, shrugged Josh as if it was normal.

That info made Jake's eyebrows rise so much they nearly disappeared in his hairline, further proof that he was learning that at the same time as we were. Mandy, on the other hand, was now stressed out because she had no idea what to give them. Man they were already tiring me and school hasn't even started yet.

Jake accompanied us downtown to shop, trying to be discreet everytime something behind the showcase of a store piqued his interest, while Mandy directly asked him what he wanted and which gift Josh would like better. That's how I found myself between these two, not having found the good timing to tell them I already had gifts for the lot of them. At some point I had try to offer Josh my help with the decoration of the room but he heavily insisted that he handled the situation before dismissing me. The boy looked way too excited and it only meant two things ; either his family spiked their cookies or he had an idea in mind. I had a bad feeling about this.

- Mama, can you come here a sec ?

In the paved road, Jake stood in front of an illuminated jewelry store, beanie in head and hands buried in his jacket pockets, asking for me to come closer with a movement of his chin. We both glanced at Mandy who was nowhere to be seen, probably visiting a store and browsing everything that was on their shelves.

- What do you think ?, he said while keeping his eyes on a cute necklace.

It wasn't an expensive jewelry store, and it didn't look like the others either. Nothing in gold or with diamonds, instead they seemed to specialize in stones and cristals in all their forms. Following his gaze, I found resting on a rack a small purple pendant made of a stone I didn't recognize hanging on a silver chain.

- I think it's beautiful.

- Yeah ? Come, let's try it on you so I can have a better idea.

A rush of warmth surrounded us as soon as he pushed the door open, making the bell attached to it ring, announcing our entrance. Stones of every color from every country decorated the shelves, either mounted on jewelry or unembellished, resting on baskets and sorted by genre. Jake was quick to explain what he wanted once the seller came to us, letting me no time to play with agates and reading their properties. With great care, she took the collar out of its rack and waited for me to open my jacket, showing my bare neck for her to attach it around.

- It looks pretty, she said in a half-sincere, half-selling tone.

Two pairs of eyes were scrutinizing me as I stood unmoving with a uncomfortable smile on my face, not really knowing what to do. Did it gave him a better idea of what it'd look like on Mandy ? Or was I just standing there looking like a fool ? After several seconds of watching my bare neck, Jake finally nodded.

- Yeah, it'll look good on her. I'll take it. Can you go out to make sure she's not coming our way, doll ?

Obliging, I found my way on the street again, crossing it as I buttoned my coat, catching a glimpse of Mandy's silhouette in a clothing store, way more crowded than the shop I was just seconds ago. Waiting in line to checkout and giggling excitedly, she showed me the colorful knee socks she had found for Josh, as well as a bottle of aged honey whisky for Jake. I rolled my eyes at that. Weren't they drinking enough already ? However, she was spot on, I was sure the boys were gonna love their gifts. Queuing was always a pain, fortunately for us now that the holidays were over, people had fewer reasons to shop and sales had begun, which pushed Mandy to drag me to the nearest shop to buy a dress for our get together tonight. Unsold sparkly New Year's Eve dresses were all over the place, cheaper than ever, and what my roomie believed was a golden opportunity. And maybe she was right, I mean even between friends, it was still a party, and I enjoyed being dressed accordingly to where I was going, even if Josh didn't specified a dress code (thank goodness). The sun was already setting by the time we got out of the store with huge paper bags around our arms, only to find Jake at the other side of the road chatting with two girls. Mandy frowned at that.

- Since when does he have other friends than us ?

- MANDY !, I exclaimed while smacking her arm. Maybe they're from his class or something, I don't know. Should we join them ?

- Why wouldn't we ?

Without further ado, she crossed the paved avenue and in a heartbeat, was already making conversation with the girls while I dragged myself to the small group, not really wanting to meet them. One of them was all smiles and laughs and kept putting her hand on his arm which made me both pissed and uneasy. Part of me knew he was taken anyway so I didn't care, but apart from this limited portion of reason, every other fiber of my body got shaken by a sudden wave of jealousy at how close to him they were standing. My only need right now was to grab his arm and pull him away from those two. The most unreasonable and egotistic part of me even screamed that if I couldn't have him then no one could. This one represented only a mere percent, as I wasn't insane and knew it was all jealousy talking. The thing with Jake is that you could never know if he was interested or flirting back because of the Kiszka Gene. Even if he wasn't as flamboyant as his twin who acted like flirting was as vital to him as breathing, he still had that charming aura, with his smirk, low voice and light chuckles.

- Will you play again ?

- I don't know, replied Jake honestly, but we'd love to !

Noticing we were waiting for him, the brunette excused himself and we all grabbed a Uber to go home. So this was the reason why they were fawning over him. Maybe it was naive but it never occured to me before that this could have been the aftermath of their concert. Yet it made perfect sense, they were gifted, handsome young men, how could girls not hit on them ? Especially after that guitar solo. And while it made me nervous, I was also overcome with a sense of pride. They were becoming popular on school ground, will probably make a ton of friends now, Josh will find someone to love, that is if he wanted to, and it was just the beginning. More festivals were awaiting  them, and with their talent they could no doubt play in bars too. I knew they wouldn't replace us or forget about us, even if a tiny sentiment of dread kept creeping its way to my head making me think that, maybe, they'd find some more interesting people to hang out with.

Taking this very seriously, Josh denied any of us the entry to his room, texting Jake to hang out with Sam and Danny, and us to wait for his signal. Poor Jake couldn't come with us because we had to change and wrap our gifts, which we did rapidly in order to be ready when Josh called, but the man took so long we were half lying on the kitchen table for an hour when my phone rang and he shouted excitedly in my ear, making me lose 70% of my earing ability in the process.

Rummaging noises came from the other side of the door when we stood there waiting in front of it, Mandy sometimes knocking to make sure everything was alright before Josh replied screaming it was FINE.

- What the hell is he doing, I giggled, planting a Christmas tree ?

We burst out laughing imagining it before realization came to us and Mandy knocked some more,  this time both with urgence and anticipation asking him to open the door. They were both yelling through the it by the time Jake arrived, already chuckling at the sight, a colorful paperbag in hand.

- What's going on here ?

The instant he stepped into my field of view my eyes instantly followed every one of his movements, completely captivated by the sight. He looked stunning, less pale than this morning, with his hair brushed and neatly resting on his shoulders, wearing a black striped suit that matched the shape of his body, making him look taller, slimmer. Before Mandy could explain what was happening, Jake took in the sight of us, in party dresses, looking positively surprised. The boy turned to me, studying the details of my face and makeup, then the classic little black dress I had put on.

- You look very pretty.

He didn't say it out loud, and Mandy didn't notice because she was back to her shouting anyway, letting me startled and stupefied, mouth agape. The heat that came rushing to my face made me snap out of it and a shy « thank you » escaped from my lips, face looking the over way. As a new habit, my fingers rubbed together in order to make the rings turn around them, and it's how I realized I wasn't wearing them because I had to give them back to Jake. His brother took this opportunity to slam the door open, interrupting me at the same time. Big smile on his lips, he looked good in his dark slacks and navy blue shirt that for once was buttoned up. Always the charming one, Josh complimented us on our dresses and hair, looking at it carefully and asking us to come in first, taking us both by the hand. It looked... fantastic. Little « woah »s were murmured as we entered the unrecognizable room. Scented candles were spreading a sweet and spicey perfume in the air. The walls were decorated with shiny stars and socks full of candy canes. Light strings glowing dimly crossed the room, hanging from the ceiling. A big Christmas tree had found its place in a corner, near the desk now full of pastries and bottles of various rather posh alcohols like champagne and wine. Slow Christmas songs played faintly as background noise and the kitchen table had been moved to the bedroom, where Josh's presents were already waiting patiently under the tree to get unwrapped. I couldn't believe my eyes, nor that the boy would put so much effort into this party.

Mandy sniffed the air.

- Did you cook ?

- Yes I did, please have a seat.

The cheerful boy excused himself before disappearing into the kitchen, his movements being followed by distant rattling noises while we did as ordered. Noticing the petticoat of my dress getting caught in the edge of the chair, Jake pulled it for me, like a true gentleman.

- I swear I don't know what got into his head, he mumbled while unbutonning his suit jacket. He's been really gleeful all week end. I have no idea what's cooking and won't ever be in peace until I find out.

It made us three laugh but Jake had a point, I noticed that Josh was way too joyous all of a sudden and doubted it was solely from the pleasure of our reunion. The curly haired boy was so excited he almost tripped on the carpet while carrying the mashed potatoes bowl, and I could see Jake's stress level rise in the corner of my eye, from where he sat next to me completely still. Even though Josh had planned enough food to feed an entire regiment and always insisted to fill our plates, we had a pleasant dinner. It was no surprise the Kiszkas were chefs now, the meals were as good as in a restaurant, and the bottles Josh chose to accompany them matched perfectly, creating great combinations of flavors. We were just tipsy enough for our cheeks to color, giggling excitedly together, screaming and messing around, playfully teasing or mocking each other. Despite the good natured atmosphere, I could sense that Jake was forcing it just a tad too much. His toothy grins fell quickly every time he thought no one was watching, and when he took a sip of his glass of wine the dark bags under his eyes made me worry a bit. His face was still very pale and when he wasn't beaming it looked like something entirely else was on his mind, and not something positive judging by the number of times he got lost in thought during a conversation.

By the time Josh brought the cake to our table we were half dead, stuffed to the gills, all groaning in chorus, pain settling in our stomachs just by imagining having to make more room in there.

- Can you guys give me a hand to clean this mess ?, asked the older twin.

- Yeah of course !, Jake and I replied at the same time.

- Can you wash the dishes while Mandy and I clean and push back the table ?

Without further ado, we took the remaining dessert plates to the kitchen, letting water fill the sink while Jake removed his striped jacket, rolling up his sleeves to his elbows before taking place next to me and grabbing the sponge. And while at first we were playing with water and splashing each other with it in a childish manner, the room became rapidly quiet. It's when I witnessed Jake rubbing the same dish for several seconds, completely disconnected from reality, that I stepped in.

- Tell me.

Seemingly remembering where he was but not completely knowing what he missed, the brunette sent me a lost look.

- « I can see there's something bothering you », I mimicked with an overly rough voice, remembering the time he said the same thing to me few weeks ago.

- It's nothing.

Now that made me frown. Even someone who didn't know him could tell by his somber attitude that something was up. Carefully placing another glass on the shelf, I wiped my hands and turned to him.

- Did something happen during Christmas Holiday ? You barely talked about it. Oh, or are you too shy to tell me how your date with Mina went ?

Even if it pained me to evoke this topic with him, talking about something that he loved was my best shot at making him cheer up. However, my jiggly eyebrows and mischevious elbowing were a total failure.

- It's over.

Refusing to look me in the eye, Jake cleared his throat, casually grabbing another fork as if it didn't matter at all and we were just discussing the weather. That made me froze.

- What ?, was all I could muster, voice now low, barely audible.

The boy sighed, probably recalling the memories, speaking with an artificial tone as if he already told this story too many times.

- We went to the restaurant and she told me we needed to talk. That she couldn't be with me anymore. That she felt we were growing apart from each other. That every time I was with her, I wasn't really there, and that we had less and less things in common. Basically that I'm a shitty boyfriend that doesn't have any time for her, and she left before even ordering anything.

His hands tightened around the hem of the sink, and I was now the one being uncomfortable, shifting uneasily and scratching the back of my arm. Of all the things he could've told me, I wasn't prepared for that. Jake looked crestfallen, and I didn't know what to do or say to make him feel better. Carefully, I placed a supportive hand on his back, rubbing small circles on the fabric of his shirt, trying to meet his eyes as he kept his head subbornly fixed on the sink before him.

- Hey, I said in the softest tone I possessed. Maybe it's not the end, you know ? Maybe it was just in the spur of the moment and she'll change her mind.

What was I even doing ? Shouldn't I be happy about it ? A lot of people would've been but... I was at this point where seeing him smile, whatever it took, was far more important to me than my personal interests. Jake didn't tense nor tried to get away from me, which was a good sign. The boy simply shook his head, lips a tight line, before our eyes finally met.

- No, she's right. It was over way before that. And I feel stupid for not realizing sooner.

- You're not a shitty boyfriend, Jake. I'm sure you're the best out there.

I wasn't certain we were still on that, but I felt like it was important to point this out. There was absolutely no way I'd let him believe that, or even look down on himself. No way. As his way of saying he got me, Jake offered me a heart warming smile, completely turning to me now while I retrieved my hand off his back.

- I'm not that sad y'know ? I had plenty of time to digest the whole situation and rationalize it. But I gotta admit I like the attention. Won't you rub my back some more ?

As backup to his words, the boy pointed his back my direction, a smirk adorning his features. That earned him a splash of water in the face. I couldn't believe he would tease me in a situation like that ! I was dead serious and concerned about him, yet he found the way to make us both laugh and play with bubbly dishwashing water again, splattering everything on the kitchen counter and dishes we just wiped. It felt good hearing him laugh again, cackling like a maniac while I tried to take shelter behind an open cupboard. His white shirt was completely damp and see-through, pants wet and hair a mess. It didn't take him long to take me out of my hideout though, purposefully pressing his soggy shirt to my dry back, making me screech. Never knowing when to stop, Jake also took great pleasure in messing up my hair, before our shared hilarity made him slip on a patch of water and fall gracefully on his ass. A whole second passed where we studied each other to make sure no one was hurt before my roaring laughter took over me, one arm around my painful stomach and the other pointing at his now completely soaked butt on the ground. Before I knew it, a vengeful Jake had already dragged me in his fall, drenching my dress in dishwashing water. We were still playfully hand fighting when Josh's frame at the door coughed loudly. We both froze in place, shooting our heads to him, Jake lying on the floor with my wrists still secured between his fingers and my face almost completely covered by hair. The sink water was still running, water was everywhere even in some cupboards, the dishtowels were ruined, and the kitchen looked like a typhoon had just visited the place. Eyebrows raised high and arms crossed over his chest, Josh looked like a father who'd just witnessed his two kids wrecking havoc at home and was thinking hard of a way to punish them.

- Mandy !, Josh called behind him. You were right, they ruined the kitchen !

- Told you, they did the same to ours with paint, came Mandy's reply in the other room.

A sheepish grin spread on both of our faces, and Josh couldn't contain his, shaking his head in disbelief. He disappeared into the bedroom after telling us to clean our mess, because it was what we were supposed to do in the first place, leaving us sitting face to face in a puddle of water, still giggling like children.

[jimlingss]

The Deli Diaries [9]

Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Chapter 4 || Chapter 5 || Chapter 6 || Chapter 7 || Chapter 8 || Chapter 9 || Chapter 10 || Chapter 11 [Finale]

➜ Words: 3k

➜ Genres: Fluff & Cuteness, That good ol’ slow burn, Slice of Life

➜ Summary: Working at a grocery store deli is absolutely unbearable (and you’re also perfectly aware of how dramatic you are). But it seems like something, or rather, someone might make the job a bit more manageable.

➜ Warnings: Mundane-ness that might make you bored to death

➜ Notes: ladies and gentlemen, we are slowly but surely moving away from slowburn from this point forward.

You didn’t think it was possible to hate your job outside of work.   For the most part, you like to grumble and complain during the working process. Once you’ve made it home, you’re pretty damn happy and don’t bother wasting your energy to continue whining about it. Out of sight, out of mind.   Except now, you were outside of the deli, outside of the grocery store, and surrounded in everything that had to do with it — colleagues, snotty upper management, the company name plastered on every single wall, advertisements on every napkin and piece of paper.   The presenters on stage were reading off of their cookie cutter scripts and it was so entirely cringe-worthy, every second you were dying a little bit more inside. Still, you came because you got to skip work and there’s free food.   You’ll do anything for free food.   “Did you join the raffle?” Yuna asks, shuffling down the buffet line with you.   “No. I’m not paying a cent to them.”   Your favourite coworker laughs, her festive green dress twirling as she spins to grab a fudge brownie. “But it’s a chance to win a hundred dollar gift card.”   “Yeah, for the grocery store.” Your voice drops into a quieter volume and your eyes flicker in all directions before you lean closer. “I’d rather shop at Walmart.”   The young girl laughs and it becomes drowned out in the fancy hall. The company rented out the spacious venue for a few weeks so that every store could celebrate the holidays together. It was the only party in the entire year and where a few dollars of your docked paycheck went to.   It’s a Christmas party, but management is adamant about calling it a holiday party, even though it’s pretty obvious with the decorated Christmas tree in every corner, the santa hats and fake santa sitting on his throne with a lineup of kids in front of him. The icing on the cookies were of gingerbread men or snowmen and most of the older folks said ‘Merry Christmas’ to each other as they passed by.   It really isn’t that bad of a celebration. You wouldn’t go as far as to call it generous since you’re sure this is all a tactic to boost morale and make the workers change their minds about the shitty year. But the dinner is fairly good, the music is pleasant, and there was an open bar where people are happily getting drunk on alcoholic eggnog.   You also had a sip of some alcoholic hot chocolate before realizing that it was pretty disgusting and you gave it away.   “I’m going to go sit with my family.”   “Oh yeah, sure. Did you need me to take that family photo for you?”   Yuna shakes her head. “No, it’s okay. My boyfriend can take it.”   “Right.” You smile, trying not to feel bitter and it wasn’t that difficult considering the festive mood was infectious and making you feel more chipper. “Lucky you.”   “Speaking of which…” Your coworker lingers with two plates in her hand, still not returning to her family yet when there’s a more important question on the tip of her tongue. “Where’s that produce boy?”   Instantly, you know who she’s talking about. But you don’t want to give in to what she’s implying, so you give the most confused expression you can muster. “Who?”   “You know...the cute guy that always stares at you. The one you always have lunch with…? You walk home together?!” Yuna is frustrated from your blank expression and detects that you’re just playing dumb to antagonize her. “Ugh! You know who I’m talking about!”   “Hey, if he’s so cute, maybe you should date him,” you say with brows raised before taking a bite of a muffin.   “I-...I have a boyfriend, thank you very much.”   Your cheek is stuffed and you stop chewing for a long second. “And how is that stopping you?”   She opens her mouth and then shuts it, inhaling a deep breath. “We are not doing this again.”   You laugh, having too much fun teasing the poor girl. “Merry Christmas!” You bid her a goodbye and a good holiday in case you don’t see her again in the sea of people.   “Merry Christmas, Y/N.”   For the next little while, you hang around by yourself. You eat some more, stroll around to observe the activities made for the children, colour a stocking before giving it to a four-year old who had been staring the entire time, all while hiding from your manager.   Earlier, she forced everyone who worked in the deli to gather and take a picture together. It was cute and all until every single person wanted their own copy and seven phones were passed around. You were forced to awkwardly stand there and pretend these people were your best friends in the whole world while your picture was taken twenty times and your smile grew more and more stiff.   More importantly, the plate of food you set down was stolen.   And now you were hiding, not only from having to repeat that monstrosity, but there were rumours that the store manager wanted every department to go up on stage and sing a carol together — and you are not about that life.   “What are you doing?” There’s a cute and smooth voice that tickles your ears as you’re sticking your back to a white pillar.   You turn slightly, smile appearing at the person you see. “Hiding.”   Jimin grins and doesn’t even ask. “Of course.”   “Oh shit.” You point to the red and white stick he’s holding. “Where did you get the candy cane?”   “In a basket over there.” He motions to the other side of the hall and blinks at you. “Want some?”   “Uh, yes.” You put your hand out and he cracks it, fiddling with the wrapper for a second before dropping it in your hand. You throw it into your mouth all at once, forming a strategic plan to march across the venue without being noticed and grabbing a handful of the peppermint candy to bring home.   At your prolonged silence, he moves until he’s in your line of sight again. “What are you thinking?”   “Nothing.”   “You’re going to steal a bunch, right?” Jimin’s eyes crinkle and he giggles cutely at you.   “It’s not stealing if it’s free,” you argue, chewing and letting your teeth crunch on the hard candy. Your breath is getting fresher by the second, even if the flavour is strong.   “I like your sweater,” he points out. “It’s cute.”   “Eight bucks online,” you gloat while pinching the fuzzy red fabric with the cubby cartoon reindeer on it. Your leg lifts and you point to your black pants. “Leggings were a hand-me-down.”   “I like your hat.” The produce boy lifts his hand and plays with the white pom-pom at the end of your santa hat.   “Dollar store,” you tell him and he laughs again, having expected nothing less from you. “I like your button down shirt. Super fancy. And you got this whole hair thing going on.” You make wild gestures towards your own hair, looking at the way his dark locks curl slightly, exposing part of his forehead, a clean yet cute look. “Looks good, Park.”   “My mom made me do all this,” he grumbles shyly, made timid and embarrassed from your compliment. “I should’ve just worn a sweater like you did.”   “No, no. You look nice,” you reassure him and you’re not even saying that to make him feel better. It’s all too genuine and if anything, your compliment is an understatement to how you really feel. “I was lazy and I look like trash no matter what I do—”   “That’s not true,” he intercepts. “You look nice too….like really good...cozy, I mean. It’s festive...yeah.”   “Thanks.” You’re trying not to smile so hard and you’re probably failing. “Did your parents come?”   “No, they’re at my grandma’s. My younger brother came though.”   “Oh yeah, I think I saw him earlier. Shouldn’t you get back to him?”   Jimin shakes his head. “No. He brought a friend along and he thought I was embarrassing him, so now I’m hanging out with you.”   “Wow.” You put your hands on your hips, sassing the boy. “Am I your backup or something?”   A grin spreads across his face, the apples of his cheeks puffing out. “You’re my first choice. I was looking for you.”   You’re caught off guard, but you catch yourself fairly quick. “Well...damn straight.”   “Did any of your family come?”   “And make them suffer through this?”   “Fair enough.” He smiles, humming while watching the surroundings of the bustling hall, how groups and cliques of middle aged workers are chatting with each other, how children are running along with one another and making a ruckus. Jimin hesitates a long moment before he asks, “you wanna go somewhere quieter?”   “What do you mean?”   “Somewhere without so many people.” He eyes you, mischief glimmering in his warm brown irises. “And where you don’t have to hide.”   “Okay.” You allow the cute boy to lead you to the left, down a corridor, past the washrooms and into the dark. Your steps begin to slow. “You’re not going to kill me, right? Steal my kidneys or my organs or something?”   “I don’t think the black market would even want your organs with your eating habits.”   You’re appalled, giving out the most dramatic and theatrical of gasps. “Calling me out like that when it’s supposed to be the happiest season of the year?” Jimin giggles and then he pushes the emergency exit door at the end of the hallway. A gust of winter wind comes to slap you across the face.   “Wait. We’re going outside? Nah.”   “Come on.” He waves you over, patience running thin, and you start backing away, arms holding your body, shaking from the chills that have already swept up your spine. “It’s not that bad.”   “It’s freezing, Jimin!”   “Come on.” He takes two large strides and grabs your arm, touch sliding down before he grabs your hand, tugging you. “It’s not bad.”   “Jimin!” You allow him to drag you out of the warmth of the building and the frigid temperature hits you at once. It’s like the freezer at the deli, except a lot worse with the wind and how it’s lightly snowing, crystals dusting from the sky and landing on the top of your skull.   “Trust me.” His hand is still holding yours and he pulls you behind the venue towards the garden area that they’ve turned into a festive display area. There are luminous strings of fairy lights wrapped around fences and bushes, hues of red and green, blue and pink. It’s a mosaic of colours, twinkling like stars, turned into decorations and also wrapping around the gazebo in the center. There are only two kids playing outside in the snow with their parents and no one else around…...probably because it’s freezing outside. “Isn’t it pretty?”   “Yeah. It is,” you admit breathlessly, getting closer to him. His chubby cheeks have become rosy and his nose reddened from the temperature. You’re sniffling, eyes watering, and Jimin laughs softly at your features. “If we freeze to death though, it won’t be so pretty anymore.”   “We won’t.” He pats his chest where his heart is. “I’ll keep you warm.”   “I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.” It feels a lot better under the gazebo where you’re at least shielded away from the powder twirling from the dark sky and the frigid breeze. The lights wrap around the roof of the gazebo and around the poles, the kind of thing that the camera can’t do justice for.   Jimin sits down, side by side with you, and he stares out at the gorgeous scenery, musing, “I can’t believe the year is ending already.”   “I can’t believe I’ve worked at the deli for so long. Should’ve quit months ago.”   A small giggle bubbles from his lips and he bumps his shoulder with yours. “But then who would I share my breaks with?”   “Exactly.” Unfortunately, Jimin doesn’t know that you’re all too serious. He’s one of the primary reasons why you haven’t left the job. “We’d still see each other in school though. Next semester, we’re sharing that econ class together.”   He hums, a bright smile gracing his visage. “Save me a seat.”   “We’ll see,” you quip. There’s sweet Christmas tunes that leak from inside the building, faint singing voices that envelop you and help to create an even warmer atmosphere. Past the music, there’s white noise of cars in the distance driving past and the peaceful quiet of snow sweeping down from the air.   “Do you have any new year’s resolutions?”   “Get good grades, stay on top of school, travel if I can….maybe quit this job.” You try to think and nothing specific comes to mind. “Nothing special. How about you?”   Jimin downcasts his head, swinging his legs back and forth. “I have one or two resolutions.”   “And?”   He steals a cheeky glance. “And it’s a secret.”   You scoff. “What kind of secret?”   “A secret,” he replies simply and shrugs. His eyes pierce yours, locking his gaze and the stare becomes too intense, his proximity too close. You would shift back and get more distance between the both of you, but you’d be too cold without his body heat pressing on your side. “Do you have anything memorable from the past year?”   “Are we really doing this?” You smile, remembering the presenters on stage talking about what a memorable year this was, recalling all the wonderful sales and ordinary stories that could bore someone to death. They also took twenty minutes to praise individual people on the team...people you didn’t know at all.   “What?” The corner of his mouth tugs and his eyes crinkle. “It’s just a question.”   “My life is literally so mundane and boring. Nothing ever exciting happens to me.” You don’t know how to answer and you’re still racking your brain to see if there was anything memorable. “I guess getting this job and getting into university. You?”   “Something memorable?” A wistful sigh leaves through his parted lips and he glances up at the oak beams of the gazebo for a second. “No. Nothing.”   “Really?” There’s an incredulous expression on your face. “You look like you have something to say.”   “It’s…” He pauses suspiciously. “....embarrassing though.”   “Tell me,” you egg him on, unable to resist teasing the poor produce boy.   “Promise you won’t laugh or find me weird?” He searches your visage, sincerity and worry dripping off each of his syllables.   “Promise.” You nod, giving your word. “What is it?”   “Well…” Jimin scratches the back of his neck and then runs a hand through his hair, messing up his neat hairstyle and making it ruffled. The tip of his tongue peaks out as he licks his lips and he steals a peek at you before looking away in the opposite direction. You’re on the edge of your seat, anticipating, and not sure what to expect. “I kind of….might of….had a...crush on you.”   “Really?” Your brows raise and even if your cheeks are frozen and stiff, you’re sure that a wide smile is spreading into them. “When?”   “Like months ago. Remember when I came up to buy that pepperoni?”   “Oh yeah.” You’re gradually recalling it. “I got creeped out by you.”   “What?” His brows furrow, concerned at once. “Why?”   “You were just standing there. Wait.” It comes back as you’re retracting your memories and you snap your fingers as a light bulb goes off. “I wasn’t creeped out by you. I was annoyed! I remember now! There were twenty minutes left till closing and you were just standing there in silence waiting for me to serve you and I had already cleaned the slicer too. Oh my god. That was so annoying.”   “Sorry.” He’s genuinely apologetic and it only makes you smile harder. “I didn’t know.”   “It’s fine. It was cute….sort of.”   “I didn’t know anything about deli meat. Nothing about hams or salamis, so, I got pepperoni cause that’s the only thing I recognized,” he explains.   You laugh, finding his story too endearing. “But how did you even have a crush on me? We didn’t talk back then.”   “We didn’t talk, but I heard you talk all the time.”   “How?”   Jimin stares at you, becoming sheepish. “You’re kind of really loud when you’re yelling half-across the deli gossiping about other managers or when you’re humming or singing by yourself during closing.”   Now you’ve become the embarrassed one, burning underneath his gaze. “I didn’t know my voice projected that much…”   “It made my shifts a lot more interesting when you were around,” he says it in full appreciation.   Your mouth feels dry and you glance at him, trying to approach your question at a more casual angle since you weren’t good at this sort of thing. “You….still got a crush on me now, produce boy?”   Jimin’s mouth puckers together like he’s thinking about it and he quirks his head to the side, inhaling a sharp breath, appearing all too mischievous when he whispers— “It’s a secret.”   You turn fully towards him, blinking hard in disbelief. “What’s that supposed to mean?”   He shrugs. “It means exactly what it means.” Park Jimin leans closer to you, murmuring underneath his breath, “It’s a secret.”   It’s strange. You’re outside in the middle of a snowfall. The wind chill isn’t absent tonight. You should be freezing your ass off.   Yet, your entire body feels like a furnace and your face is on fire. You’re sure someone could roast marshmallows off of your skin at the moment, and all you can do in the presence of this wolf in sheep’s clothing is divert your eyes. “Unbelievable.”   And he even has the audacity to giggle at your mutter and glare. Part of you feels ripped off. This isn’t what you bargained for. He’s not a timid produce boy at all. The guy knows exactly what he’s doing, using his charms so you’re dancing right in the palm of your hand.   The sad part is that you don’t even mind.   “Well, I have a confession to make too.”   “What?”   “My toes are going to fall off,” you deadpan with an impassive expression. “Can we go inside now?”   Jimin laughs, complying without missing a beat and pulling you up onto your feet. You don’t miss the way he holds your hand the entire way back and you don’t mind in the least bit either.

[wanderbitesbybobbie]

REAL TALK: When you want to enjoy the Holidays, but you're a Pastry Chef

“Go home, Barbara. Go home.” It was almost 10:30 PM and I was the only chef left in the kitchen that night. It was almost December. Abdulah, the head of the kitchen-hands was urging me to go home as he started clearing out all the dirty dishes left. I stared at the docket machine in front of my section and no order dockets were coming out still. I knew I still have to plate about five desserts in total as there were still two tables left. Abdulah kept on peering at me, checking if I was done with my section so he can clean the floor next. “Can you plate the remaining desserts for me?” I joked. “Give me your salary, I’ll do your job.” We both laughed. My joke was half-meant though since I badly wanted to go home and go straight to bed. I just felt like a zombie. It was a very busy Italian Fine Dining Restaurant situated by the lake in Sydney. That day, I had to come early as there was a function at 11 AM. I was the first chef to arrive in the kitchen because I needed to bake my ciabatta earlier than usual. I was there an hour earlier than everyone else. Not even the head chef was there, not even the entree chefs, who usually have more preps than I have. It was a loooong tiring day, and I didn’t expect that I would be the last to go home. FIRST TO COME, LAST TO GO. That was my “normal” hustle. For my readers who have been following this blog since Day 1, you all know the hustle I’m talking about. This was the job that offered me a full-time pastry position and a possible Australian sponsorship, I couldn’t just bounce and leave as I please.

It’s funny, looking back.

It was almost summer in Australia, the breeze was starting to become warm but I didn’t mind. I was used to it. My section was usually warm even in spring, as I had a big commercial oven few steps away so I relied on an industrial fan for ventilation. Christmas was just around the corner, big functions are happening in the restaurant and I was one of the only two pastry chefs they had that time.

I stood by the pass, trying to get a clear view of the servers on the floor. I wanted to tell them to push the diners to order their desserts so I can close my section and go home. Luckily, one of the servers saw me and nodded. I don’t usually stand by the pass as my section is at the back, but when I do, the servers knew that I’m the only chef left in the kitchen. I was hoping their desserts would be easy, something like Trio of Gelato, so I can just scoop the ice cream from the tubs and place them in bowls. Finally, the dockets came out and it wasn’t my lucky night. They ordered for two Chocolate Fondants, Apple Galette, Petit Fours, and Panna Cotta. I quietly placed the hot desserts in the oven, set two different timers, plated my remaining cold desserts, and patiently closed my section after. That night, I was re-thinking and re-evaluating what I really wanted in life. Do I really want this? I was home by 12, took a shower, changed, went to sleep, and got back in the kitchen to do the same routine. Bake ciabatta, do preps for desserts, plate desserts for lunch Ala Carte, do more preps, take a break, plate desserts for dinner Ala Carte, and wait until the last diner finishes for dessert. My routine changes somehow when the restaurant is holding a big function, because then I would have to prep for the function and plate all 200 or 300 dessert plates in one go. I spent 4 days in a week as a pastry chef in the Fine Dining Restaurant, and the remaining three days? I was at Pastry School, balancing life as a working student in a foreign country, still doing pastry at school on my free days. The hospitality industry was my playground. That was my life for almost three years, and the next thing I knew, I was on the plane back to Manila to build (yet again) another pastry shop.

Since 2012, I was in the pastry business. I had a pastry cafe, making cakes and dessert buffets. My career as a pastry chef started after I finished Culinary School in 2011, realizing that I wanted to specialize on a more exciting but more difficult track. I wanted to be in the pastry department. Thus, I flew off to Australia to study more of it. Pastry was more liberating for me, as I get to showcase my art through my plates, my cakes, and my desserts. At the same time, I can master unique flavors, and incorporate them with something I wanted to create. Pastry chefs play an essential part in the kitchen. Being one requires distinctive set of skills, massive patience, knowledge, and exceptional organization to succeed.

When I worked in a commercial pastry shop in Sydney (a year after my job in the fine dining and a short stint as Head Pastry Chef in a health cafe), I was one of the three pastry chefs to fulfill certain roles. We bake the cakes, we decorate them, we bake artisan breads, rolls, croissants, and whatever pastry it was on the shelf. I remember my head chef telling me… “Pastry Chefs are usually slow because you guys work with finesse. You are very precise and you pay close attention to details, while us hot-kitchen chefs, we tend to be more rustic and fast. We don’t mind if the french bread is a bit crooked.” For some reason, I wanted to prove him wrong.  I wanted to show him that pastry chefs can work fast too, but still refined at the same time. I was baking 10 big carrot cakes and small mandarin cakes that time. It was November, almost Christmas again. Orders were loading up. I was working like a machine, trying to go beyond my usual speed. I ended up with a long stinging burn on my arm in the process. The battle scar is still on my arm until now, and I remember that very moment each time I see it. A baking tray accidentally slid on my arm right after I took it out from the oven. I wanted to be fast, but I paid a price for it. I didn’t want to admit it. But it’s probably true. PASTRY CHEFS TEND TO MOVE SLOWER THAN THE REST OF THE CHEFS, BUT WE ARE SLOW FOR A REASON.

We have to get every ingredient in the exact amount. Pastry is NEVER similar to cooking. In the hot kitchen, you can add ingredients and dilute and reduce anytime of the day. If your dish is bland, add more salt. If it’s too salty, dilute it with water. If it’s too runny, make a reduction. However in Patisserie, you measure all ingredients in one go, bake it in the oven, and hope and pray that your recipe is not f*cked up. You cannot just open the oven, check if it’s runny, check if it’s salty or too sweet, you cannot just add baking powder and hope it rises how you want it to rise. There’s only two things in Pastry: SUCCESS OR FAIL. It’s either you get your perfect cakes and cookies out, or you get them flat and dry. There’s no addition, dilution, reduction, whatsoever in pastry. This is why we are slow, because we have to get every detail right. 

Being a pastry chef is never a glamorous job, but it is very fulfilling. Especially in the Holidays, when you get to see your loaf boxes, your cakes, your desserts in the middle of a party or family table. It is very gratifying, seeing people receive special cookie boxes from your regular clients.

What is it like to be a pastry chef during the Holidays anyway?

In a commercial restaurant set-up, it is more often than not massive numbers of desserts to plate, huge amounts of preps, and tiresome hours spent standing and walking right and about your kitchen section. This is probably the part when you start working on auto-pilot while your brain is somewhere in The Bahamas. I have experienced being both, an employed pastry chef and a business owner. The difference? With being a part of a restaurant kitchen team, YOU NEVER DEAL WITH CLIENTS FIRST HAND. You have the servers and the floor-manager to do that for you. Sometimes, when the encounter gets a little bit close, the Head Chef handles it. It’s never you. You are but a chef of the pastry section, the higher-ups can do the “talking” while you do all the pastry work. But when you are a business-owner… It’s another twisted story. Ask me again.

What is it like to be a pastry chef and a business owner at the same time during the Holidays anyway?

Here it goes. It is numerous inquiries on your page, asking for your location, menu, lead time, and delivery details. It is triple the number of your usual orders, Christmas parties, corporate events, family gatherings, name it… your dessert is the star of the show. You have to make this right, honey. It is countless hours of reviewing orders and making sure that the raw materials that you have ordered is enough. It is a whole day spent with suppliers, shopping and ordering for the ingredients that you need. It is hours and hours being physically stuck in traffic while your mind and soul is in your pastry kitchen. It is a daunting process of making sure that all your packaging and preps are of the perfect shape. It is staying up late, baking whatever it is on the order sheet, making sure that the orders will be delivered to your clients’ doorstep in the best possible quality. It is several days of doing your preps, but no matter how hard you try, you end up messing up something unintentionally and you have to do the entire process all over again. It is having no social-life, because you spend your days talking to your clients and delivery partners, making sure that every delivery runs smoothly. It is constantly having nightmares about plumbing, kitchen failures, and pest-control. It is a battle between baking powder, baking soda, and icing sugar… and wondering why they all look the same but taste and reacts enormously different. It is accidentally putting the wrong powder on the pastry, pulling out the deliveries, and having no one to blame but yourself (no boss/head pastry chef to yell at you, no kitchen hand to point fingers to). It is immeasurable hours of reading and researching the perfect recipes hoping that what works in France works in your kitchen in Asia too. It is straight hours standing and sauntering in your own kitchen, listening to whatever that will wake you up to keep you focused. It is a roller coaster joyride waiting for a client feedback, hoping it is positive and winning. It is seeing your piled-up bowls, scrapers, wire whisks, and spatula in the sink, wishing they get washed and dried in a blink of an eye. It is sleepless nights and days, eating lunch in the afternoon, and dinner as midnight snack. It is trying to get comfort with Christmas songs, hoping that everything would be over soon… but still wishing that next year is as lucrative (or more) as this year. It is feeling guilty turning on Netflix, when you have preps waiting for you in the kitchen. It is delegating responsibilities and tasks to your staff to ensure that your workflow is as organized as possible… and if you don’t have staff, it is waking up really early in the morning, pre-heating the oven yourself, and cleaning your kitchen counter to start your day (maybe a chance of having breakfast if the time allows it). It is months and months of costing, calculating every cent that goes into your work (ingredients, electricity, water, packaging, shipping fee, overhead… lalalalalala. Yes, that pinch of salt is worth a penny). It is constantly thinking of your worn-out set of equipment and dreaming of upgrading them through the fruits of your labor. It is concocting and stabilizing the perfect mixture, for what it’s worth. It is continuously asking yourself whether you really want to pursue this or not? It is having trust issues with everything (including that opened box of cream that has been in the chiller for 3 straight days). It can go on and on forever. It is an exhausting, draining, emotionally challenging, life-sucking profession, but there’s no way you will exchange it for anything in the world.

You sit there in one corner, maybe with your family, or maybe alone in a foreign country (or taking a break from your kitchen duty). Thankful, you still have a bit of energy left to enjoy the festivities. You know deep inside, it’s not the money that pays you. It’s the thought of having your desserts out there, bringing delight and pleasure to anyone you serve.

BIG SALUTE TO ALL THE KITCHEN WARRIORS WHO CHOOSE TO WORK DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON!

Through out the years, it’s a challenging but joyous battle we all have won. It’s the service we provide that completes every occasion. If you’re an aspiring pastry chef/executive chef/business owner, we all start from somewhere. Have faith and never give up. If you feel like you are experiencing failure, remember FAIL means First Attempt In Learning. The best teacher is not your books nor your degree. May your sweat and tears bring you to success. Like I always say in my previous blogs, BE BRAVE. TAKE RISKS. NOTHING CAN EVER SUBSTITUTE EXPERIENCE.

This is probably the last blog post I can ever write for this year as I’ll be back to “pastry-chefing” a few hours from now. The holidays is a yearly challenge, but it allows us to grow, improve, and learn from previous mistakes. To you reading this… JUST KEEP GOING! YOU’RE SLAYING IT! 🙂

Happy Holidays everyone and enjoy the rest of 2019. All the best for 2020!

CHEERS!

    REAL TALK: When you want to enjoy the Holidays, but you’re a Pastry Chef was originally published on WanderBitesByBobbie

[mundaneapocalypse]

The Wedding Story

Most of Mark’s friends in Latvia could not come to the wedding, but his best friend, Aleksandr, was the best man. Mark borrowed from my side, like Mom to be his mom at the dance, and some of his friends were groomsmen. Erik was another groomsman. Mark has tons of friends, for an introvert, and many of them came. Because he is already family, neither of us had sides of the church. People just sat down where they wanted.

Ruth was my maid-of-honor, my cousins Amanda and Natalie bridesmaids, and best friend Madison a bridesmaid. They had really pretty floor-length pink dresses. Ruth’s was a different style and the same color, but fancier. We did our own make-up and painted our nails (theirs were pink and mine were rose gold), and I did their hair, but Mom and I had to get our hair done because I could do it, but not as well as it should have been done.

I organized everything and Ruth enforced that it actually happened when it was supposed to.

Mark built the pavilion and tables (pretty rough ones covered up with tablecloths), found the chairs to rent, spraypainted the vases and things, and sewed the tablecloths and bunting. He also took care of the music, photographer, and almost went to Latvia to help Aleksandr figure out how to get here. Latvia does not like people to leave, but thankfully Mark only had to spend about twenty hours on the phone with three different departments with Aleksandr on another line to get his passport and things.

The poles were the “twinkle skeleton”— round wooden posts connected at the top and set into the ground spray-painted rose gold and draped with white gauze and strung with white Christmas lights, and set the walkway down to the bottom of the hill (concrete slabs spray-painted rose gold). There were hydrangeas around the tops of the poles and the upswoops of the gauze with pink ribbon.

By “Mark built,” I do mean he built. He drew the plans (and this man does not plan), built a foundation that is apparently not technically a foundation, but more like the thing wooden sidewalks are built on, by himself. Then he got our cousins and uncles over with promises of beer and hamburgers and convinced them to help nail down the floorboards. Then he figured out how to keep the poles from swaying in the wind or from people leaning on them.

Also, now my parents have a completely useless wooden structure in their yard that can’t be burned because of the pinewood and varnish.

Mom and I decorated, and we spent about three hours the day of the ceremony arranging the church flowers. The church had white hydrangeas tied with pink ribbon to the pews and there were some copper vases with hydrangeas and pink peonies for the altar and steps. Then after the service, the copper vases moved to the reception to be in front of the poles. The church music was on the organ by Janice or from a CD: Appalachian Spring for the prelude, the processional “St. Anthony Chorale” by Haydn, the bridal march “Canon in D” by Pachebel, the hymns “Great is Thy Faithfulness” and “Morning Has Broken” and at the signing, “One Hand, One Heart” from West Side Story, the recessional “Wedding March” from The Marriage of Figaro, and for the postlude, “Sinfonia” by Bach, “Spring” by Vivaldi, and “Bridal Chorus” from Lohengrin. The readings were Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Genesis 2:18-24, and John 17:20-26. And, I said, “serve, honor, and obey” and Mark said, “love, cherish, and provide for.”

Mark and I did not see each other before the wedding, so the photographer took most of the pictures before the ceremony, and the rest after. Everybody also had to drive half an hour from the church to the reception, which gave us a little more time.

For the reception, we used plenty of candlewick dishes that Mark and I kept afterwards for our nice dishes and we were collecting for a couple years. Weddings tend to have a lot of silver, but Mark and I can’t use silver and neither could some of the guests or our future guests, so the serving utensils were plated rose gold, and the silverware was plastic pretending to look like fancy rose gold.

We could not use silver for anything because Fae were coming to the wedding and it is polite not to burn your guests.

Because peonies and hydrangeas wilt quickly, the ones in the reception that were not in water could not be arranged until the ceremony, and we had to get a florist to do it. Tables had glasses of ice water, and assorted nuts in little pink bags for favors, and guests could also take the peonies on their napkins home. Also, the compost looks spectacular. I had not thought about the wilting before hand. They looked a little brown in the end, but by the end, it was dark.

My aunts cooked, but because it was early afternoon and supper would be later, we had some cheese, dips, crackers, fruits, and vegetables, all made and arranged on Friday, except for the crackers, which they opened that day. We had no alcohol, but soda (individual bottles of raspberry, strawberry, sprite), coffee (decaf or caffeinated), hot tea (decaf English Breakfast, Earl Grey, and green tea), and iced tea (sweet or unsweetened).

Then there were more dips, crackers, fruits, and vegetables on the buffet, and non-alcoholic cranberry cuties, Shirley Temples, sparkling white grape juice, and punch I invented with white grape juice, Sprite, and strawberry juice. For supper, we had sandwiches people made themselves (white buns, roast beef, chicken salad, pulled pork, egg salad, American cheese, Swiss cheese, mustard, mayonnaise, shredded lettuce, sliced tomatoes, sliced onions, dill pickles) and finger foods (cream cheese olive pinwheels, meat balls, devilled eggs, prosciutto, mini crab cakes (packaged), and crostini). I ate without caring that I was worried. Everything except the drinks, crostini, meat balls, and crab cakes were ready the day before, but all the ingredients were prepared on Friday.

Aleksandr’s English is basic and he has a very thick accent. Because of those, he did not want to give a best man’s speech, but apparently Ruth scared him, and Mark helped him translate from Latvian to English ahead of time. He did a good job and it was sweet.

Then I gave the veil away. This is a Latvian tradition, mičošana, where the bride gives the veil away and officially she and the groom become husband and wife. Mark and I did not want to stay up until midnight, and Ruth explained that was the usual way, but we would pretend 5:30 was midnight. We also did not sit on Mom and Dad’s laps. Mom took off my veil and put it in a box and tied an apron around me. Dad gave Mark a pipe. This means we are officially not children living at home and have our own households. Then Mark and I read what our roles would be and they were roughly the same as they have been.

Instead of throwing the bouquet, I gave it away to the longest-married couple. Ruth asked the married guests, “Who has been married for more than twenty-five years?” then increased the number gradually to, “More than sixty?” They were Harold and Florence Metzger, family friends from church, at sixty-two years.

The cake and, because Mark wanted cookies, the cookies, were from a bakery, and the ice cream from Kroger because that obviously goes with cake and for some reason weddings completely miss that basic fact of life. At Mom’s pushing, the cake was four layers, and it was worth it. The first layer was pink champagne, which I had once and loved, the second vanilla, the third strawberry, and the fourth white chocolate. Ice cream was rocky road, vanilla, or strawberry, and Mark’s cookies were chocolate macarons, lemon cookies, and chocolate chip cookies. I mean, every party you attend since you are conceived has cake and ice cream, but at a wedding, you just leave it in the freezer? It makes no sense.

Last was the dancing and Mark and I were almost peopled out. Mark and I danced to “At Last I See the Light” from Tangled, which confused some of our kid friends, one of whom said, “Grown-ups don’t like Disney movies!” We do. Mark and Mom danced to “Try to Remember” from The Fantasticks, and the dance with Dad was, “Sunrise, Sunset”. Then Mark and I hung out a little longer, changed inside, and went off in the VW to the Grand Canyon.

Mark and I wanted the wedding to be elegant and fancy without spending more than $5,000, and we failed, but tried, and achieved the first two goals pretty reasonably. Having lots of the dishes before hand, using a playlist instead of a band, having the reception in the back yard, arranging the flowers, and making the food helped a lot. The biggest expenses were the rings and other jewelry (including bridesmaids), clothing, and food (drinks, ingredients, cake, cookies, ice cream), and then decorations (including flowers), photography, and invitations. It ended up being about $8,000, but Mom and Dad said that they expected that.

We actually spent the night in a hotel in Ashland and are driving late today. We have a week for the honeymoon and are moseying around to parks and sights along the way.

And we are not working. If anything weird happens, we are not investigating.

[theokbrowne]

12 Real Estate Winter Marketing Ideas To Slay The Holiday Season (For EVERY Agent!)

There are less than 100 days left in the year and it’s time to plan your winning real estate winter marketing activities!

Halloween is over.

The World Series has ended.

And Starbucks has a brand new cup design for you to behold.

Yep.

With the 1st of November came the start of the 2017 holiday season.

As tempting as it can be, there’s no sense in putting it off.

It’s crucial that agents market to past clients and prospects over the slower real estate season and make it a top priority to capture the best leads.

Of course, just because your schedule as started to open up, doesn’t mean your community is experiencing the same lull.

It’s all too likely that your past clients and future leads are preparing for their own holiday events.

So, where does that leave you and yours?

In order to ring in a stress-free new year and enjoy the upcoming winter holidays, you’ve got to get into the holiday spirit and join your community in ushering in the merry season.

And we’re here to give you everything you need to slay your real estate winter marketing efforts!

Here are 12 ideas to prepare for your best season yet –

3 Festive Blog Post Ideas

#1) 10 Ways To Beat The Freeze In (Your Area)

Depending on where you living, this winter could be a doozy. Tackle the cold by giving helpful tips on how to combat the chill and tell buyers and sellers exactly how the frigid temps could affect local homes. You can include suggestions on how to prepare pipes, clean out gutters, and a list of resources your community can consult when in a grinchy pinch.

Live somewhere warm? Luck you!

Read on for more real estate winter marketing blog ideas.

#2) DIY Holiday Decorating Guide

Snow or shine, most folks loving decorating for the holidays! And it’s easy to position this type of post for your community. Whether you’ve got palm trees or pines, your area will still be getting in on the cheer!

Throw in some extra safety instructions on how to hang lights without damaging the exterior or interior of a home. For DIY tricks, think back to your favorite childhood decorating traditions and share one or two family favorites with your audience. You can encourage them to do the same!

Want to add lead capture? Create an info form for leads to fill out so they can download the guide.

This is super easy to do with LeadSites!

Here’s an in-depth walkthrough on how to setup blog popups with Smart Popups 2.0:

  Want To Try Out LeadSites For Yourself?

CLICK HERE For A Free Demo And Exclusive Bonus!

  #3) A Year In Review

It’s always nice to reflect on our personal and business success over the past year, but you’ve got to put a slightly different spin on it to make this blog worthy.

Real Estate Winter Social Marketing Campaigns

#4) Host a Holiday Contest

Even if you haven’t had much success with contests or giveaways in the past, the giving season is the perfect time to try again.

Have your followers share a photo of their seasonal decorations and give a special prize to the the person whose photo gets the most likes.

You can test this out over Thanksgiving and do another round for Christmas or New Year’s.

For Thanksgiving – go beyond decor and encourage your network to post a photo of a special recipe or their Thanksgiving dinner spread.

When Christmas rolls around, you can ask folks to share a light display, the final results of a DIY family decor project, or their gorgeous tree.

For the prize…

There are a lot of different directions to take this. You can pick up some Starbucks or Amazon gift cards, or partner with a neighborhood family business to encourage people to shop local. A major perk of co-promoting your giveaways with a local business is that you’ll increase your reach.

For a giveaway, we recommend using Facebook. You can post on your personal account, business page and even share the post in community groups.

#5) Get On Instagram

If you haven’t already, create an Instagram account.

It’s a great way to connect with new people and add a very necessary visual storytelling component to your real estate winter marketing strategy.

As you collect photos throughout the season, add them to your Instagram feed.

You can include both community and property features.

A tree lighting ceremony, twinkling neighborhoods, a shared hot chocolate on a snowy day…etc., these are all great ways to stay top of mind, and heart, in your area.

Create These Two Pinterest Boards

#6) Holidays + Seasons In (Your Area)

If you’re finding little payoff in creating unique Pinterest boards for every holiday, season, and occasion, just make one.

You can then update it year-round. Include all four seasons and the major holidays within those months.

To get this board going, start with November – January and include Thanksgiving Inspiration, Christmas, and New Year’s with lots of winter inspiration sprinkled between the holiday goodness.

This is a great way to get your board organized because you really only have to focus on one season and one or two holidays per month.

Next, take on February – April and include Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and Easter. Your board’s aesthetic will quickly change from a wintry wonderland to a fresh Spring. You can continue to share this board on other social platforms so your audience can follow along for all seasons.

#7) Join or Start A Holiday Decor Group Board

Group boards are exploding on Pinterest. With group boards, you’ll not only be sharing the “pinning” load with other Pinterest users, but you’ll be expanding your network with every new member that’s added.

Encourage pinners to join you and share new decorating tricks they’re going to try as well as to pin recipes they’re making. You can pin your related blogs to this board and this will encourage pinners to visit your website.

Spread Joy In Your Community

#8) Give Back

Start thinking about ways you can be in service during the cold months. Host a canned food drive, make your office a drop-off point for Toys For Tots, or take coat donation and give them to a local shelter or organization.

You can bake a batch of cookies and keep some cocoa or eggnog on hand to get conversations going with your area when they come to leave their contributions.

#9) Gingerbread All The Way

Reach out to a community center and setup a gingerbread decorating party. If you’re enjoying hosting contests, you can even give out some fun prizes to those who decorate the best cookies or houses.

This is also another nice opportunity to build community relationships. See if you can partner with a bakery or even local grocery store to sponsor supplies or give some decorating tips for the party.

Plus, building houses together is the perfect segway for you to deliver some information to buyers and sellers who attend!

#10) Send A Holiday Card And Ask For This In Return

Give Thanks for your clients on Thanksgiving or with them Happy Holidays by mailing them a card or e-card. Of course, you’re just showing your appreciation, but it doesn’t hurt to ask them to leave you a quick review.

It doesn’t have to be a long testimonial, though that would be great, you can just link them to your Facebook Page, Yelp Profile, or anywhere your agent profile exists online and ask them to leave a quick remark.

  Looking Ahead

Whenever you find yourself with some downtime, check these quick tasks off your list:

#11) Update CTAs

Majority of all online leads are going to come from your real estate website. So make sure you lead capture tools are ready to work.

Take a look at the various opt-in forms floating around your site, including landing pages, and make sure they’ve all got a strong Call To Action button.

With LeadSites, it’s incredibly easy to update any form for your real estate winter marketing campaigns and then swap them out again in 2018.

You can also track all your opt-ins in the backend of your LeadSite dashboard to see what pages are performing well and which could use a boost in conversion potential.

#12) 2018

You should also set aside some time to start planning for a great New Year.

Update your database, clean up any outdated information, and do the same with your social media profiles.

I mean, when was the last time you updated your profile or cover photo?

Or updated your bio?

The time and effort you put in now will have a huge impact next year, and you owe it to yourself, your clients and future leads to be prepped and ready for the best New Year yet.

These simply, yet highly effective real estate winter marketing ideas are perfect for any agent to up their lead gen game and define themselves as the leading community expert.

Get started today!

Want To Try Out LeadSites For Yourself?

CLICK HERE For A Free Demo And Exclusive Bonus!

Here are a few more resources to inspire your real estate winter marketing activities:

Get More Referrals With This FREE Thanksgiving Downloadable Flyer

How To Win Leads The Week Before Christmas With Kyle Hiscock

Free Christmas Videos To Market Yourself This Holiday Season

Use This Holiday Giveaway To Boost Leads (Free, Custom Landing Page + Email Inside)!

Primed For The Holidays – Boost Your Real Estate Business With Cheap Greeting Cards From Amazon

 The post 12 Real Estate Winter Marketing Ideas To Slay The Holiday Season (For EVERY Agent!) appeared first on Easy Agent Pro.

from theokbrowne digest https://www.easyagentpro.com/blog/12-real-estate-winter-marketing-ideas/

[garynsmith]

12 Real Estate Winter Marketing Ideas To Slay The Holiday Season (For EVERY Agent!)

http://ift.tt/2hBUALn

There are less than 100 days left in the year and it’s time to plan your winning real estate winter marketing activities!

Halloween is over.

The World Series has ended.

And Starbucks has a brand new cup design for you to behold.

Yep.

With the 1st of November came the start of the 2017 holiday season.

As tempting as it can be, there’s no sense in putting it off.

It’s crucial that agents market to past clients and prospects over the slower real estate season and make it a top priority to capture the best leads.

Of course, just because your schedule as started to open up, doesn’t mean your community is experiencing the same lull.

It’s all too likely that your past clients and future leads are preparing for their own holiday events.

So, where does that leave you and yours?

In order to ring in a stress-free new year and enjoy the upcoming winter holidays, you’ve got to get into the holiday spirit and join your community in ushering in the merry season.

And we’re here to give you everything you need to slay your real estate winter marketing efforts!

Here are 12 ideas to prepare for your best season yet –

3 Festive Blog Post Ideas

#1) 10 Ways To Beat The Freeze In (Your Area)

Depending on where you living, this winter could be a doozy. Tackle the cold by giving helpful tips on how to combat the chill and tell buyers and sellers exactly how the frigid temps could affect local homes. You can include suggestions on how to prepare pipes, clean out gutters, and a list of resources your community can consult when in a grinchy pinch.

Live somewhere warm? Luck you!

Read on for more real estate winter marketing blog ideas.

#2) DIY Holiday Decorating Guide

Snow or shine, most folks loving decorating for the holidays! And it’s easy to position this type of post for your community. Whether you’ve got palm trees or pines, your area will still be getting in on the cheer!

Throw in some extra safety instructions on how to hang lights without damaging the exterior or interior of a home. For DIY tricks, think back to your favorite childhood decorating traditions and share one or two family favorites with your audience. You can encourage them to do the same!

Want to add lead capture? Create an info form for leads to fill out so they can download the guide.

This is super easy to do with LeadSites!

Here’s an in-depth walkthrough on how to setup blog popups with Smart Popups 2.0:

  Want To Try Out LeadSites For Yourself?

CLICK HERE For A Free Demo And Exclusive Bonus!

  #3) A Year In Review

It’s always nice to reflect on our personal and business success over the past year, but you’ve got to put a slightly different spin on it to make this blog worthy.

Real Estate Winter Social Marketing Campaigns

#4) Host a Holiday Contest

Even if you haven’t had much success with contests or giveaways in the past, the giving season is the perfect time to try again.

Have your followers share a photo of their seasonal decorations and give a special prize to the the person whose photo gets the most likes.

You can test this out over Thanksgiving and do another round for Christmas or New Year’s.

For Thanksgiving – go beyond decor and encourage your network to post a photo of a special recipe or their Thanksgiving dinner spread.

When Christmas rolls around, you can ask folks to share a light display, the final results of a DIY family decor project, or their gorgeous tree.

For the prize…

There are a lot of different directions to take this. You can pick up some Starbucks or Amazon gift cards, or partner with a neighborhood family business to encourage people to shop local. A major perk of co-promoting your giveaways with a local business is that you’ll increase your reach.

For a giveaway, we recommend using Facebook. You can post on your personal account, business page and even share the post in community groups.

#5) Get On Instagram

If you haven’t already, create an Instagram account.

It’s a great way to connect with new people and add a very necessary visual storytelling component to your real estate winter marketing strategy.

As you collect photos throughout the season, add them to your Instagram feed.

You can include both community and property features.

A tree lighting ceremony, twinkling neighborhoods, a shared hot chocolate on a snowy day…etc., these are all great ways to stay top of mind, and heart, in your area.

Create These Two Pinterest Boards

#6) Holidays + Seasons In (Your Area)

If you’re finding little payoff in creating unique Pinterest boards for every holiday, season, and occasion, just make one.

You can then update it year-round. Include all four seasons and the major holidays within those months.

To get this board going, start with November – January and include Thanksgiving Inspiration, Christmas, and New Year’s with lots of winter inspiration sprinkled between the holiday goodness.

This is a great way to get your board organized because you really only have to focus on one season and one or two holidays per month.

Next, take on February – April and include Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and Easter. Your board’s aesthetic will quickly change from a wintry wonderland to a fresh Spring. You can continue to share this board on other social platforms so your audience can follow along for all seasons.

#7) Join or Start A Holiday Decor Group Board

Group boards are exploding on Pinterest. With group boards, you’ll not only be sharing the “pinning” load with other Pinterest users, but you’ll be expanding your network with every new member that’s added.

Encourage pinners to join you and share new decorating tricks they’re going to try as well as to pin recipes they’re making. You can pin your related blogs to this board and this will encourage pinners to visit your website.

Spread Joy In Your Community

#8) Give Back

Start thinking about ways you can be in service during the cold months. Host a canned food drive, make your office a drop-off point for Toys For Tots, or take coat donation and give them to a local shelter or organization.

You can bake a batch of cookies and keep some cocoa or eggnog on hand to get conversations going with your area when they come to leave their contributions.

#9) Gingerbread All The Way

Reach out to a community center and setup a gingerbread decorating party. If you’re enjoying hosting contests, you can even give out some fun prizes to those who decorate the best cookies or houses.

This is also another nice opportunity to build community relationships. See if you can partner with a bakery or even local grocery store to sponsor supplies or give some decorating tips for the party.

Plus, building houses together is the perfect segway for you to deliver some information to buyers and sellers who attend!

#10) Send A Holiday Card And Ask For This In Return

Give Thanks for your clients on Thanksgiving or with them Happy Holidays by mailing them a card or e-card. Of course, you’re just showing your appreciation, but it doesn’t hurt to ask them to leave you a quick review.

It doesn’t have to be a long testimonial, though that would be great, you can just link them to your Facebook Page, Yelp Profile, or anywhere your agent profile exists online and ask them to leave a quick remark.

  Looking Ahead

Whenever you find yourself with some downtime, check these quick tasks off your list:

#11) Update CTAs

Majority of all online leads are going to come from your real estate website. So make sure you lead capture tools are ready to work.

Take a look at the various opt-in forms floating around your site, including landing pages, and make sure they’ve all got a strong Call To Action button.

With LeadSites, it’s incredibly easy to update any form for your real estate winter marketing campaigns and then swap them out again in 2018.

You can also track all your opt-ins in the backend of your LeadSite dashboard to see what pages are performing well and which could use a boost in conversion potential.

#12) 2018

You should also set aside some time to start planning for a great New Year.

Update your database, clean up any outdated information, and do the same with your social media profiles.

I mean, when was the last time you updated your profile or cover photo?

Or updated your bio?

The time and effort you put in now will have a huge impact next year, and you owe it to yourself, your clients and future leads to be prepped and ready for the best New Year yet.

These simply, yet highly effective real estate winter marketing ideas are perfect for any agent to up their lead gen game and define themselves as the leading community expert.

Get started today!

Want To Try Out LeadSites For Yourself?

CLICK HERE For A Free Demo And Exclusive Bonus!

Here are a few more resources to inspire your real estate winter marketing activities:

Get More Referrals With This FREE Thanksgiving Downloadable Flyer

How To Win Leads The Week Before Christmas With Kyle Hiscock

Free Christmas Videos To Market Yourself This Holiday Season

Use This Holiday Giveaway To Boost Leads (Free, Custom Landing Page + Email Inside)!

Primed For The Holidays – Boost Your Real Estate Business With Cheap Greeting Cards From Amazon

 The post 12 Real Estate Winter Marketing Ideas To Slay The Holiday Season (For EVERY Agent!) appeared first on Easy Agent Pro.

from Easy Agent Pro http://ift.tt/2A6orlE via IFTTT

[yearinthejournal-blog]

January 7th

2008

Life is glorious! This past week has been one of the best in my life simply because of the changes that have occurred in me.

I went to the Rexburg Temple open house on Tuesday. It was so wonderful. The temple is beautiful and  big and I feel such a peace being there. I am so excited to one day go through to get my endowments. I do have to say that my favorite part was the sealing room - a couple kneels across from each other on an altar and are sealed together for time and all eternity. Oh I just can’t fathom the intense joy I will have when I get to kneel across from the man I love to marry him. The only sad part was as I looked around, I realized I was the only one there without a family. I was all by myself. But I am proud to be a member of this church of Jesus Christ and I hope I can be “a light on the hill” for my family to see. I hope the changes in me testify of the truthfulness of this Gospel. I know that if my dad were to soften his heart and be willing to act upon whatever answer he received, if he prayed to know what the truth is, he would find it. Our Father in Heaven loves us so much and wants desperately to have us with Him again one day. Through the Atonement of Christ, we can come to have the great purpose and happiness in our life that God intends for us.

The rest of the week, not much happened. I helped Jamie around the house and with Lyla. I moved in on Saturday. The first step I took into my new home bought feelings I can barely describe. I really feel like this is a home - a home I can take care of, take refuge in, feel safe. A place I love coming back to. I had the greatest time just putting all my kitchen stuff away and decorating my room. One of my new roommates, Heather, is so sweet and nice. She seems like such a faithful innocent girl and I’m so thankful to be living with her. The other one, Megan, I haven’t met yet.

Church on Sunday was fantastic - I learned so much and my ward is excellent! The bishopric is amazing and the people seem so nice. I had dinner with Charlene, and I got to video chat with Ron, which was so nice. We had scripture study together and discussed what we learned. I miss him so much. He is doing okay. He had to take a break from talking to me for a while, but I think our friendship will last.

Today was Charlene’s birthday! Jackie and I made breakfast for her and to get her over here, Jackie called her and told her there was a fire! Which wasn’t a lie because we had lit a candle. Charlene came bounding over and when she got inside, we started singing happy birthday! Oh it was so great. Charlene and I ran some errands then made cookies and popcorn balls for our relief society and some apartments in somerset. Then we pulled an FHE together which ended with a surprise party for Charlene and Oliver and we played games.

I have learned so much and changed so much already. From reading about Emma Smith, I desire to be valiant like she was. I checked out some books about her - the one I’m reading right now is called “Emma’s Glory and Sacrifice.” It is so good. That woman went through so much and never did it grudgingly, never complained, never got angry. She was “never found wanting.” I have received so much strength from her story that I find myself much the same way - after all, my life is no where near what hers was. But I have stopped complaining and have not allowed myself to think my life is difficult. I feel more inclined to impart of my substance.

But I have learned two wonderful things. I did not eat much this past week because I felt bad at Jamie’s eating her food. So by the time fast Sunday rolled around, I simply was too weak to fast. I learned that fasting is not enough; I need to prepare to fast.

Also, Jackie taught an amazing lesson in RS that helped me a lot. And I know this is because she had the Spirit so strong with her. It just struck me how important it is to always have the Spirit with us, not just for ourselves, but because we can change lives, just like Jackie’s lesson changed. It’s another one of the many reasons that have the Spirit with me is so strong.

2012

The week After I wrote last, Things were amazing. I was so happy and “on track”. But then I started slipping again, and drinking and waking up day after day feeling empty and painfully uncomfortable about each previous night. We got a new roommate. Mary, who I don’t remember if I wrote about, moved out. Mary was an incredible person. Honest and genuine and down to earth as they come. But someone named Noah moved into her room and he is equally as amazing. Intelligent and calm and impressive in his ability with words. I made cards and candy and gave them out. Christmas came and  by this time, I was exhausted from the endless drinking and Cameron’s insufferable drunkenness. My time with his family over xmas was horrible and I was cold and selfish the whole time. I missed Noah. I have feelings for Noah, but I know he is way out of my league and he is leaving in a few months. It will be, yet again, unbearable.

NYE, Rachel and Carter came over and we got wasted in the bathroom and ugh...I feel so gross about it. I’m not sure why. I hate being drunk. NYD was possibly the worst day of my life. Worse than the cocaine weekend that prompted me to start going back to church again. Cameron left that morning, drunk, to go hang out  with some random guy he didn’t even know that called his phone on accident. He was gone all day into the late night and I hated him and as far as I was concerned, we are now broken up. I SWORE not to drink again and last night, Rachel and Carter came over and we went to Mars Bar, then came home and had a dance party and I can’t believe it, but I didn’t drink! And I feel amazing. I kind of felt like Noah was flirting with me, and that maybe there’s something between us, but I also know Noah is kind of just desperate for sex and maybe just wants to fuck. And I’m not sure I would just fuck him, I like him too much. Cameron didn’t drink all week, and now I don’t hate him anymore. He’s been really pleasant and sweet and not stupid and annoying. I made an account on OK Cupid, a dating site, to find lovers in the Anchorage area and I’ve messaged a couple but no responses, which is maddening. It’s so hard to meet people, and relate to the ones I do meet and I wonder if I’m just that socially inept; or if it’s because of my situation. I saw the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo which was amazing and the lead, Lisbeth, has become my new obsession. She gets brutally raped by this guy, but then she goes back, brutally sodomizes him, then tattoos “I am a rapist pig” on his  chest and is really sadistic towards him. It was delicious. I can’t believe this was in a movie. 

About Mormonism - I am going to stop going to church for a while. I think I realized I don’t need the church - as long as I stick to certain things, like not drinking, being consistent in my daily habits, working, keeping my room clean, following a budget, being fair to others, etc. I’d never been able to do these things without the structure of the Church before, but I think I can now. I’ve even stopped praying and reading my scriptures and I feel happy still.

Andrew hung out with us a couple of times which was awesome! He’s going to sell me his computer. I’m thinking about buying a smart phone. Subway is going well - I might be promoted to supervisor. I feel good, I can’t believe I feel good.

I have so much to be grateful for, and I am grateful, but I find it hard to be grateful without having a God to be grateful towards - who do I thank for what I have? I don’t want to slip into feelings of entitlement, or worse, apathy, but how does one do that without believing in God? I still feel less conflicted than before though - agnosticism is what makes the most sense to me.

2015

I’m drunk journaling, which is something I don’t think I’ve ever done before. I’ve been feeling low lately, like I’m going into a depressive period even though I’ve been motivated and planning and getting stuff done. I feel hopeless and bored and sad no matter what I do. But Ii’m going to try and list what I’m grateful for in hopes that it will energize me.

I’m grateful for my two jobs. I wanted to be a barista for so long and it’s given me the opportunity to do that while accentuating my strengths: efficiency with routine, confidence, by necessity, cleanliness, organization - and working on my many weaknesses. I love and would die for my coworkers. EDI was my road into Anchorage and making the best friendship I have, with Miranda. These jobs have shaped me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I’m grateful for Kylie for being patient with me in times of extreme weakness and loving me in spite of my flaws, all of which affect her, and I’m not sure why she puts up with me.

I’ve been feeling a lot of low self-esteem and self-doubt lately - I’ve been focusing on my flaws. And I don’t know how to stop. 

2017

I completely forgot I said I’d cover a shift and I didn’t show up for an open on Monday! So I bought a new planner and I LOVE it. I got to help Maria make a budget on Monday and it was so fun and being around Maria is always uplifting. I saw the movie “Jackie” with Kylie that night.

I pray almost every morning that God will send someone for me to help and almost every day it happens. Tues Morgan had a breakdown so I took over her mid. I did step 1- and am trying to do spot checks - when I feel fear, dishonesty, resentment, or selfishness, I 1. Ask for God  to remove it 2. Talk it out 3. Make amends and 4. Turn my thoughts to someone I can help. Talking it out has been tripping me up - I don’t want others to know how often I feel these things, and I don’t want to overwhelm Ashley. I just feel resentment so often at work. But I’m doing my best.

Thurs I went to a mtg - DOR and they need a secretary so I volunteered! I’m so excited/grateful!

I read step 11. First of all, I’ve still been agonizing about LDS, but I realized I’ve only been thinking about myself. Much of step 11 is about focusing on others, how to be useful. “In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle.” I don’t really know what to do - it seems as if I just can’t take it easy even - I really don’t want to go to church. And maybe it’s my decision. But why did I get that intense feeling of comfort about it? I realized all the things I put on the list of things I love about LDS - AA now fits these. AA is becoming my church. I think I’m going to leave LDS (AGAIN!!!!!) and not jump into things so fast in the future, especially because my actions affect others.

Parts of step 11 make me uncomfortable: “We are careful to make no request for ourselves only...we are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends, it doesn’t work...Why can’t we take a specific and troubling dilemma straight to God, and in prayer secure from him sure and definite answers to our requests? Quite often the thoughts that seem to come from God are well-intentioned unconscious rationalizations.” I don’t really understand how this is different from how we’re supposed to pray: “Knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. We simply ask that throughout the day God place us in the best understanding of his will that we can have for that day and that we be given the grace by which to carry it out. We pause and renew the simple request: Thy will, not mine, be done.” I feel like a loving God wouldn’t pettily just not answer prayers that aren’t said the “right” way. I feel like I can’t be intimate with God if I can’t say whatever I want.

I went to a new mtg tonight that I liked but I sulked and felt worse after. I talked to Ashley, did a 4th step on step 11, wrote a list of God attributes, and read “Acceptance was the answer” which had a TON of goodies:

- If I could just control the external environment, the internal environment would then become comfortable. Take care of the internal via the 12 steps and the external takes care of itself.

- Not taking a drink is by far the most important thing I do each day.

- When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away.

- Acceptance is the answer - when I am disturbed, it is because I find something unacceptable and I can find no serenity until I accept that it is exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.

- When I complain about me or you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork.

- I don’t know what’s good for me or you.

- AA has given me a new pair of glasses.

- Focus not on defects but on what I can add to something, what’s good about it.

- I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations.

- I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for God to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to God.

So I still don’t get it, but I’ll go over it with Ashley and I had a revelation tonight. Of course I am doing all this for me, too - but the way to feel good is to focus on others. What is “giving it away to keep it” if not “seeking first the kingdom of God” which thing I decided to focus on a year ago?