#we were very much understaffed like with the amount of customers there should’ve been at least two more people in the kitchen

[eteisvalssi]

just two days ago i had to wear my giant warm winter jacket to go to work bc the temperature was at zero and now you’re telling me it’s +17°C outside??

[cyanidefilledcandy]

So,

A month or so ago, I had finally made the decision to take my best friend up on his offer to move in with him and also maybe even take a break. In all honesty, it’s something I should’ve done a while ago; like.....3 years ago awhile ago. But, I was holding out the hope that my hard word would be rewarded and that I would at least have the opportunity for a promotion I honestly deserved. Not the case...

The past few months at work have been horrendous. Not just because we’re short staffed, but from the way I and others have been treated. 

I spoke briefly on the situation with my boss. Not only was he falsely accused of sexual harassment with evidence that proved the contrary; not only did he lose pay and it’s costing him money he uses to take care of his house, sons, and mother; but they wouldn’t even let him take over the store he wanted. It’s a store he’s wanted for a while that is close to home, instead making him take one that’s TWICE the drive the other two stores were. This is how he’s treated after 23 years of PHENOMENAL service. That’s not even an exaggeration. This man worked so hard and made SO much money for these people. Typically, in any given Kroger, the meat department make up about 2% of the store’s total sales. Ours made up 12% on average and it was steadily growing. Doesn’t matter... When this incident first happened, I had wondered if it was some kind of conspiracy against him to get him fired. Our grocery department has been at odds with us ever since we kept bringing up to management our concerns about literally being harassed and verbally assaulted by their frozen lead (a guy who should’ve never gotten the position any way considering he was insubordinate and doing the exact same thing to his deli leads when he first started (all women). So, they gave him a promotion...) Well, with the new store manager, allegedly, something was going to be done about that....and they didn’t like that. So, why not frame the guy who is causing them trouble, a man who has been a dear friend to them for over 20 years, for something horrible like sexual harassment?

So, right after, I had to take up the mantle, which I honestly didn’t mind. I hated the situation with a passion, and I honestly wouldn’t have taken a promotion anyway. I had been talking about seriously leaving the store (maybe even company) behind since before this incident. I’ve should’ve left long ago, but my mind was made up the day my store manager put me in the hospital from a panic attack. 

So, we’re GROSSLY understaffed (we always have been), despite having good numbers, doing a ABSURD amount of work by hand, and most importantly, doing absolutely ridiculous things for customers that most stores just outright refuse to do (hell, they won’t even do simple things). But, we soldier on and do the best that we can. Again, I don’t mind as much because I love the chance to showcase what I can do, especially with a promotion around the corner. 

Wasn’t given the opportunity. Instead, I kept getting sent people to “show me what to do” like I haven’t been there for 3 goddamn years (all men, btw). And what these men do is come in and disregard me completely and fuck me and my coworkers over with their bullshit. Because of them, what should have been a relatively simple holiday turned into a disaster for me, my coworkers, and our customers because these guys came in and left everything in disarray. And to make matters worse, management looked at me like it was my fault when I TOLD them this would happen. Furthermore, when they DID finally stop coming, it still left us GROSSLY understaffed, and we did all we could do.

Wasn’t good enough. Everyday, we got talked down to, treated like we were incompetent, and that anybody but us could do the job better. And to make matters worse, the new store manager got some kind of bug up her ass about me. I originally thought it was because I wasn’t all happy and smiley like when she first started. And why would I be? 

We lost our leader and good friend due to a bullshit conspiracy, we’re being treated like dirt, the district meat manager is outright refusing to give me a chance, we’re short staffed and working ourselves to death to try and keep this department going and on top of all of that, my car is still down. I’m paying $200 a week and actually living in poverty to work here. So yes.....I’m not smiling. 

But apparently, she took it personally, and ever since then goes out of her way to make sure I’m always overrode on decisions, make sure to always ask others opinions on my department when I’m it’s leader and have been for over 3 years now. I won’t get into every little thing, but basically she treats me as if I’m incompetent, ignores any hard work I do and finds something to complain about. 

Meanwhile, my mental health (which is already like a thread’s worth there) is steadily getting worse. I’m stressed from not being able to do a good enough job because I don’t have health, depressed from how me and my coworkers are being treated, depressed that others are getting all of the glory and being treated better than me and like THEY’RE the one keeping the department going when they’re clearly not (a white woman), and depressed that I not only am not getting a chance for a promotion, but that I never WILL get that chance for a promotion. 

The district meat manager has overlooked me time and time again, and I always knew me being a black woman was a key issue in that. I’ve been repeatedly denied even to take classes to become a manager of my own department. Any time there is a chance for me to prove that I can do a good job, I am denied that opportunity and some man is brought in to show me how to do my job. I knew it then, but for some reason hung on to the hope that if I kept pushing and kept doing my job that I could prove myself and get to run a market. I was being dumb. This time struck me harder. My old manager told me that he REALLY wanted me to become a meat manager because none of the women he ever trained became one. ....I have no idea how it hasn’t hit him, because it hit my like a bag of bricks. Let me tell you something about my manager....

He’s good. He’s extremely good. And he’s a great and knowledgeable teacher. Every backup he has has been promoted and moved on to run their own markets within a year. The one who didn’t was literally because he had a learning disability. But, he kept working with him, and now that man is at a corporate level in the company. That man...

He’s had his fair share of female backups, and none of them have EVER made it past that position....and none ever will. I remember going to a meeting with all of the meat managers and backups and just curiously looking around at the demographics. There was ONE other female backup there, but no female leads.

I’ve always known this about the man who sits at the head of our district’s meat department. He’s sexist, plain and simple. Maybe even a tad racist. But, he constantly talks to me (and other women) like we’re incompetent children. One day, he came in and was explaining a VERY simple business concept to me and kept repeating “Oh, you probably don’t understand this. You probably don’t understand this,” like I’m just fucking stupid. 

My BIGGEST pet peeve is for someone to treat my like I’m stupid and/or that I’m beneath them, and I get both from this guy, and it takes everything in my power not to slice his fucking neck open with the myriad of knives available in my department (or to just snap and tell him about himself). I KNOW my IQ is WORLDS higher than this guy’s. It’s not my fault I wasn’t born with a silver spoon up my ass.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Kroger as a whole is sexist or racist. This seems to be an occurrence that’s isolated to this department (maybe even JUST in this division). And if you’re wondering about the female backups, well, that decision belongs to the meat manager of that particular store. Whether someone becomes a lead, however, depends on this fat, sexist fuck who is at our corporate level. And if that wasn’t apparent enough, it became even more apparent once the market opened up....

So, the guy they ultimately gave the store to (a young, white male) comes in and management is a COMPLETE 180. They assure that he has help at all times. They give him the utmost praise for the smallest accomplishments. And when they grade the department, it’s ALWAYS favorably. The grades for the department has steadily been nothing but B’s since he got here. When I was running it, I was lucky to get a C+ and this was even before manager got fired. I can see him doing the same amount of work and the department looking the same as when I would get a C+ and they would give him a B+. And to top things off, the manager made a HUGE fucking deal about assuring he had 2 days off a week. I worked myself to EXHAUSTION, 24 fucking days in a row, 7 days a week, usually for 9-11 hours a day no matter how sick I was, and got told “Why isn’t the department perfect? Why do you have overtime? Why aren’t you smiling?” And what’s worse, our numbers are steadily getting worse, and is he getting in any trouble for it? No. They could come in and we’re out of product because he wants to order “by the skin of my teeth”; customers come in looking for things and it’s not there, even past the time we’re supposed to be set up. Does he get into any trouble for it? No. And I’m not mad at this kid. I’m not. He’s only doing what I was trying to do. He has nothing to do with how I’ve been treated, and I’m not the type of person to take out on someone what someone else did to me. I’m not that person; I’m never going to be that person.

And each day it cuts deeper and deeper. I should be over it by now (I AM moving and made it very well known that I was leaving), but it still really fucking hurts. I’ve given SO much to work at that job. Not just physically, but I put myself through so much to stay there. I lived in poverty, worked my body to the point where I don’t think I’ll ever recover, kept myself in a dangerous situation and wound up being ATTACKED from it, when I could’ve been living with my best friend, at least semi-happy and safe. And why? Because I’m ambitious and wanted to work to get to a better position. Money was a factor, but a very small one. I’m just the type of person who always wants to move forward and do better. Ambitious and perfectionist. 

Doesn’t matter...

I could go on and on and on about all the bullshit I’ve been through at Kroger, as well as witnessed other people go through. (Believe it or not, but this is just scraping the VERY recent surface.) But, it doesn’t matter because I had set a date and time to move away and join my friends. They decided to move to Arizona, and while I’m not in LOVE with the idea of going THERE in particular, I am in love with the idea of getting away from this place that brought me nothing but misery and just starting over and....trying to get myself together. I’m in SUCH bad shape and have been for a very, very long time; mentally, physically, and emotionally. So, my plan was to get my car back in decent working order, start back my second job so that I can end with them on a good, professional note, start packing, and then just....leave by the 20th on next month. Simple. Obtainable.

Not happening...

This weekend, my car went out completely... It’s...just done...

And I want to kill myself because it was because a stupid, simple mistake on my part. Something I was unaware of, but simple nonetheless. I won’t get into it. I don’t want to hear comments about how I should’ve known that and blah blah blah.... I feel bad enough about it. 

And the timing is just AWFUL because I’m just three payments away from paying the car off completely. My second JUST got in contact with me about filling out rehire paperwork (but it’s right behind my other job, which is a city away). And worst of all, just when I’m only 3-4 weeks away from moving and trying to get my life back on track...

Furthermore, this is going to put me back into the cycle of spending $200+ a week to get to work, and....I absolutely REFUSE to do that... It’s not worth it. It has NEVER been worth it. I stayed for my manager and my coworkers....to make their lives easy, because they’re people I genuinely love. I can’t afford to dish out that kind of money, and am considering just quitting and finding something closer until I can come up with a down payment on a new car...

That being said, even though it shouldn’t take me a long time to find a job....it just might, and I’m already still very far behind on bills, and I can’t NOT have income. And Unemployment Benefits criteria is SO nitpicky here, that I’m afraid I won’t be able to receive benefits, even though this IS a work related problem.

So, I’m stuck. Stuck and depressed and stuck...

I have no idea what my move should be. I don’t know if I should just quit Kroger and look for something around here. Or try and tough it out at Kroger until something becomes available (which....I’m going to be honest, it was hard enough trying to stay there until the end of the month. Going there day after day is slowly chipping away more at my mental health that I feel like I could snap at any day... I was only trying to hold on so that I had a job when I moved to Arizona, even though my friend told me it was fine to just take a month off and THEN start looking for work.) So....*sigh* I just don’t know...

....besides just swallowing a bottle of pills. It sounds like I’m being melodramatic, but....it’s honestly the best option at this point. And not just because of this. Because of everything...

I’m tired. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of the world I inhabit.