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tortoisebore · 1 year

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okay hear me out remus and sirius at IKEA pretending every room is their house and pretend making food it’d be so chaotic

SO TRUEEEEE SO TRUE

omfg imagine

they go in the first time to grab a kitchen table after they move apartments bc the one sirius found on the side of the road two years ago finally broke during the move across the city. so their apartment is still full of boxes and they venture out early one morning and before they go in remus puts his hands on sirius’ shoulders and makes him look at him and he goes “we are here for ONE THING. we are here for a TABLE. nothing else.” and he makes sirius audibly confirm that yes, they are there for only a table and they’re going to get in and get out and that’s it, no dilly dallying. because he’s been to an ikea before but sirius hasn’t and he knows what’s about to happen so he assigns himself as their supervisor for the trip

but then six hours later they’re calling an uber XL to the front of the ikea and they’re standing there with a box that supposedly contains their new table and another one that contains a bookshelf and four of those big blue tarp ikea bags and two lamps and they’re both just standing there on the curb like ‘🧍……..,what the hell just happened’

so they set up their new place over the next few months and they make it all cozy and warm and sirius’ records are all over the living room and remus’ books have migrated from his new bookshelf in their bedroom and they’re taking over every corner of the place, like they’re practically sentient.

so one random weeknight they’re having takeout on the couch and sirius is looking around like 🧐 and he goes ‘u know…..,you could use another bookshelf.’ and remus is all ‘lmfao yeah, i know’ and sirius is like ‘………we could…..we could go to ikea………’ and remus goes ‘😐………………yes’

so then the next saturday they’re back and they’re having another pep talk outside and they’re both going ‘we’re here for a bookshelf we’re here for a bookshelf we’re here for a bookshelf’ and people are passing them and staring at them bc they’re chanting it louder and louder like they’re casting a fucking spell on the place

and they get inside and they do really really good for a while and they’ve almost made it to the storage section where they found remus’ first bookshelf last time when they stumble upon all these showrooms??? and they both stop in their tracks and they’re going 😧😦😲🤯😮😯 and then all hell breaks loose

they leave that time with four more tarp ikea bags of random shit, like a planter shaped like a marble statue even though they don’t have any plants, and a set of stainless steel mixing bowls even though they have absolutely no need for fucking mixing bowls, and a toothbrush holder (because the other week remus opened the drawer in their bathroom to see their toothbrushes touching and he had a meltdown about germs while sirius loudly explained that they very regularly have their mouths on every part of each other’s body) and two more bookshelves for remus and a vinyl organizer for sirius and a new little stand for his record player that’ll go nice next to the window in the living room

so they’re good on furniture for a while but now they go to ikea for entertainment purposes because the showroomssssssss

they’ll brainstorm a new backstory every time they go—sometimes they’re newlyweds looking to furnish their first home just outside the city, other times they’re roommates with extreme levels of sexual tension that haven’t admitted they’re in love with each other yet, and a couple of times they’ve roleplayed as a very picky and argumentative elderly couple that can’t agree on curtains

one saturday afternoon they’re in this living room setup with all these floor-to-ceiling dark gray glass cabinets and a sleek steel electric fireplace and a bunch of orange-tinted lamps. and sirius is lounging in the gray tweed chair in the corner and remus is opening the cabinets and testing the soft-shut hinges, and sirius goes ‘i don’t think your brother will like the couch.’ and remus doesn’t have a brother but he sighs all big and goes ‘it doesn’t matter if my brother likes the couch, sirius, it’s our couch.’ and sirius is all ‘yeah but i don’t want to hear all his yapping about structure and lumbar support and shit when they come for christmas—‘ and remus drags a hand down his face and he’s all ‘baby, can you at least pretend that you don’t hate him for two seconds while we get a fucking couch—“ and sirius stands up and huffs and stomps his foot and goes ‘it was never about the couch!!!! this is about you taking my side for once!!!!!’ and everyone in the vicinity is eavesdropping because this is some juicy relationship drama to be happening in the home section of this ikea right now

and another time they’re in this bedroom setup with a big light birch wood wardrobe covering the entire wall. and it lights up when you open the doors and there’s shelves for shoes and drawers and a fucking jewelry drawer?? in it and sirius is like ‘you need this in your room, remus.’ and remus goes ‘i do not. this would not even come close to fitting in my room,’ and sirius is all ‘it absolutely would, i know exactly how big your room is and this would fit great on the wall across from the window, you need more shit in there anyway, it’s sad and empty.’ and remus leans against the wardrobe door next to the one sirius has open and he’s all ‘how do you know what fits in my room, huh?’ and sirius blushes a bit and he backtracks and he’s all ‘no i mean i just think it would fit. like i think it would look good. our rooms are close to the same size and and and—‘ and remus is crossing his arms and getting up in his space going all ‘it is kind of empty, huh? maybe you should do something about that?’ and sirius is all ‘😳 like what….?’ and remus shrugs and goes ‘maybe i should just let you do it. put shit on the walls and all that. you know, make it nice.’ and sirius is shutting the doors and crossing his own arms and leaning against the wood to size him up and he goes ‘you want me to make your room nice for you?’ and remus goes ‘mhm yes yeah i do,’ and sirius is all ‘why don’t i just put a giant picture of me on your wall, that’d spruce the place up, right?’ and remus is biting his lip and going ‘mmmm that might not work actually, what if i bring someone home? what would they think?’ and sirius laughs really loud and rolls his eyes and goes ‘yeah rightttt you haven’t pulled anyone in months, remus—’ and then remus is crowding him up against the door and going ‘keeping tabs on me, huh?’ and then they’re getting chastised by security for making out in the fake ikea shower attached to the bedroom with the giant wardrobe

and one friday night when they don’t feel like going out they wander around the home section and fight about curtains. like sirius is all ‘i can’t watch my shows in the evening with the sun coming through that damn window remus, we need curtains.’ and remus is all ‘well fucking excuse me for enjoying some natural light every once in a while’ and they bicker about what color to choose for the rod because the beige matches the walls and will blend in nicely but the black matches the legs on their dining table chairs and eventually remus goes ‘holy fuck sirius just get the beige jesus christ it never ends—‘ and sirius scoffs and goes ‘all you do is complain, it’s like listening to a toddler—‘ and then they’re going home with and getting wine drunk on this pinot noir remus bought the other week and trying to hang up the pretty new sheers in the living room and sirius nearly cracks his skull open and has to be caught out of mid-air by a very tipsy and clumsy remus while trying to hang them up standing on a chair and they’re both laughing so hard they’re crying

sometimes they spend the whole trip in the fake kitchens pretending they’re at their vacation home in the south of france where sirius spent summers as a kid and sirius will bumble about the kitchen and send remus to the attached living room to finally fix that squeaky hinge on the tv stand. and they actually do quite a lot of shopping in the kitchens so they have to be careful about spending too much time in there, because sirius loves all the little gadgets and spice racks and electric can openers and display jars because ever since they got those mixing bowls he’s been dabbling in baking and their kitchen has gotten more action in the last six months than it probably ever has but remus always makes sure to stop by the grocery store and grab another bag of flour when sirius texts and asks for one, even when he’s had an annoying day and just wants to go home, because sirius likes to keep his hands busy and remus loves coming home and finding him making a giant sticky mess on the counters

they’re in this green kitchen one day and it has a big huge rack above the island for pots and pans to hang off of. and sirius breaks character and goes all starry eyed and remus immediately knows where this is going when he turns to him with big eyes and goes ‘look at it!!! 😲😲’ and remus is like ‘it is very cool but it’s like six hundred fucking—‘ and sirius is moving around the room looking at it from all angles like ‘oh but imagine how great it would look, we could put your stainless steel pans up there, they’d look so nice!!!’ and then remus is going to talk him down and immediately almost cracking his head on the corner of the giant rack. and he goes ‘look, see, i’m too tall for it, i’d break my head open the first week we had it in there—‘ and then sirius is pouting, shuffling up close and wrapping his arms around remus’ middle and looking up at him with his chin on his sternum and he’s the living embodiment of 🥺🥺🥺

so remus spends the next weekend supervising while sirius installs anchors in their ceiling and hangs the rack above the tiny island in their kitchen because he’s a saint and he’s too in love for his own good

#u ask tortoise answers #anon #IKEA RANT #tortoise writes a novel ab an ask for no reason #last month i was staying in hammersmith for a week and we stopped at the ikea every night in the way home #just browsed around #i devoured every inch of that ikea #‘tortoise we want to go home we’re tired please’#‘hang on u guys have got to see this fuckin cabinet i found’#almost bought a couch & then remembered i don’t live in london #the closest ikea to me is fuckin d*llas god help me #day trip to d*llas just to wander around ikea

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