#well apparently god hates me today bc i want to fucking gut something

[orcelito]

🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

[a-very-fond-farewell]

The forbidden crack! Untamed prompts: 14/?

MeetCute modern!AU [mianqing edition]: “Don’t Bother Looking Down”

[title is from the song “We Fell in Love in October” by Girl in Red]

[let me live vicariously through my baby girls ok?? let me have this]

*

Qingyang wishes she never moved in this damned country in the first place. Coach Nie followed her alright, so she should be fine and, really, she is thankful for this amazing opportunity. But now she kind of regrets giving up her Lanling citizenships in order to move back to her mother’s home country and fence for the Qishan national team. She understands the language to some extent, but the people there immediately notice her accent and they glare at her whenever she speaks.

Coach Nie moved country as well just to make a champion out of her and, although he respects her for the choice she made, Qingyang knows he misses Qinghe and the people he left behind.

Getting into the national team was nothing compared to the impossible task to fit in and live a normal life. Even her new teammates don’t talk to her unless it’s strictly necessary and they always speak in that quick dialect of theirs just to gossip behind her back. Some of the guys in the male team are actually friendly and manager Xiao Xingchen is always offering to help her with this or that. Meng Yao had to leave Lanling to make the team and even his mother is, coincidentally, from Nightless City just like hers. She doesn’t like Xue Yang: barely seventeen, never heard of manners in his life, but he’s a genius in his own way and Qingyang has a lot to learn from his swordsmanship. However, his younger step sister A-Qing is the loveliest girl and the foulest mouth on the planet whenever she begrudgingly cheers for him, so maybe Qingyang could, potentially, relax a bit and have some fun while training.

But no. Their respective teams captains are actually evil and want them to suffer through impossible training sessions just to let them bask in glory without doing much themselves. Wang Lingjiao especially hates Qingyang’s guts and does everything in her power to make her leave.

It’s not Qingyang’s fault if her disgusting boyfriend had tried to give her a lift home too many times already. She wouldn’t even accept a drink from Wen Chao, let alone a lift. But one day Qingyang has enough, honest to the gods she has.

So it’s with a hollow heart that she stumbles into a random library to check if they have something to consult for her anxiety... when she sees her.

The girl that lives above her in her new apartment complex with her Grandma and younger brother. The one who always scowls at her because she never gets the trash out in time. The one who their landlady refers to with the ever lovely title of “our little overachiever” and “med-school dropout” any chance she gets. The one who apparently went to Lanling University along with Qingyang’s cousin ZiXuan and was the top of their class. The one who always runs around with the child she babysits for the rich couple at the end of the street.

And fuck no, Luo Qingyang’s not gonna mess with that.

So when she readies herself for yet another awkward encounter with the angry looking woman, the last thing she expects is to be welcomed with a blinding smile.

“Welcome, how can I help you today?”

And if Qingyang has to rely on some forced pleasantries between retail worker and client just to experience some human connection... so be it. It may be sick to ask for kindness this way, but she’ll make do.

She has to.

[details underneath]

Wen Qing hates her job. Not because she hates books, although she’s not a great reader herself (save from poetry, but nobody needs to know that), but because her boss is the epitome of “welcoming host” and she’s suffering from a chronic case of resting bitch face and forcing smiles is the last thing she wants out of life.

She came back to Qishan to look after her grandma after she broke her femur and her brother Wen Ning is studying to become a teacher and the final exam is nearing. Wen Qing didn’t want him to drop out to look after their grandma, so she left her fancy scholarship behind and came back.

XiChen is her boss at the library and took her in after his brother WangJi asked him to: Wen Qing and A-Yuan are distant cousins, but she and her brother didn’t have a job by the time the child became an orphan and their grandma was too old to look after him; hence, WangJi and his husband Wei Ying adopted A-Yuan and didn’t want him to live separated from his original family, so they moved in Qishan and frequently meet with the Wen’s.

Wen Qing feels bad about dropping out of university, but she refuses to regret it since she’s more than happy to look after her grandma. ZiXuan is a pediatrician now and several years have passed since they were classmates and competing for grades, but he checks on her through video chats every once in a while.

(ZiXuan is -coincidentally- Qingyang’s cousin and they talk a lot more than what they used to do now that he’s married and his wife is waiting for their first child. Turns out, ZiXuan is a secret matchmaking mastermind now that he is happily married and has matured enough to want his dear ones to be happy as well. So he plants the seed of curiosity in Wen Qing’s head by talking about his “hot and exceptionally talented fencer cousin who could possibly bench press a grown man. have I mentioned she’s hot?”)

...

(“Ew, do you think your cousin is hot?” / “Hot as in... lesbian terms, you get me” / “No. I really don’t. I’m straight.” / “Sure Wen Qing. Sure.”)

...

Qingyang keeps going to the library after her practice, in full gear and with her hair messy and red cheeks just to see Wen Qing smile at her and being forced to be nice to her. She absolutely knows the other woman is forced to do so and so she annoys her with pleasantries and silly things, but she never outright flirts with her [the lesbian courtship prevents the subjects from using such direct and straight(pfffffft)forward ways of approach, obviously].

...

(“I’m so sorry for forgetting about the trash the other day” / “That’s [*clenches fists*] fine. Don’t worry about it” / “Will you forgive me, Miss Wen? Really? [*Qingyang used ‘Bambi eyes’. It’s very effective!*] / “Don’t worry, that’s fine [*Wen Qing wishes the ground could swallow her whole. The nerve!*])

...

Wei Ying obviously befriends Luo Qingyang: he has to. He’s never seen Wen Qing this flustered in his life and he needs something to entertain him while Lan Zhan is at work. So he meddles bc he’s a little shit, but we all love him for it anyway.

...

(“Did you make a library card yet or...?” / “I don’t want to give that woman my ID, she might call the police on me once she gets a hold on my name” / “You literally live in the same building” / “It’s a big building. And I always misplace the trash, I’m afraid she’ll call the police on me saying I’m actually hiding a corpse in my apartment. No thank you” / “It’s a library subscription, not a birth certificate for gods’ sake” / “I’m not risking it, Wei Ying” / “Then I’ll tell you what to do.......”)

The next day at the library...

(“I want to get a card” / [*internally screeching* “took you long enough, wasting my time”] “Name?” / “MianMian”)

...

Which is apparently the wrong thing to say, because Wen Qing loves poetry and goes ballistic for any reference she can pick in normal conversations. So when she hears ‘MianMian’ she immediately goes “Then my name is YuanDao” and it’s like a fucking switch has been pressed and now WEN QING IS THE ONE PURSUING but Qingyang doesn’t know anything about poetry and doesn’t know what to do. She’s created a butch monster who actually genuinely smiles at her now and that’s too powerful for a small femme like her holy fuck.

O_o

Additional content: Jiang Cheng goes to a million blind dates until he meets XiChen out of fucking nowhere and they move in together two days later + Meng Yao seduces Nie MingJue with hot fencing routines without even sparing a glance at the older man (his drive is focused only on the medal and... for NMJ that’s kind of hot) + Wen Ning is actually a heartthrob but he’s not interested and runs away from people actually swooning at his feet left and right + Xue Yang is not a criminal and only wants his sister to finally get the service dog of her dreams + Song Lan is a referee but he gets distracted by the Qishan team manager bc... boy is he fine

o_O

[I’m suffering. Can someone write this I do not have time to commit to my own writing and I don’t trust myself with the delivery.

I’m but a tiny prompt-machine help me D:]

*

[threemoonsareshining]

i read through all the 'get to know me uncomfortably well' questions and honestly i couldn't pick because i'd love your answers to any of them so idk just answer the ones you feel like answering? is that allowed in these ask games? idk i'm making it allowed (also have a great day!) xx

Hi!!!!!! Oh my god you’re blessing my night with this message because let’s say... I haven't had the best day today, and I’m sure that’s allowed in these ask things, i mean are there even rules? I do’t know how many i’ll be able to answer but I’m going all in so let’s go

2. How old are you? 19 such an ugly age let me tell you

4. What is your zodiac sign? taurus and i’m not really into astrology and stuff so i don’t know if i can relate to my sign or not

5. What is your favorite color? i really like earthy tones, and i’ve always loved dark colors but i’m trying to broaden my horizons in terms of colors, unsuccessfully this far

6. What's your lucky number? i’m not sure if it brings me luck but i’ve always loved the number 5, maybe bc it’s my birthday, i think it’s really nice overall

7. Do you have any pets? yes!! i have 2 cats, i love them so much even though they’re not the friendliest cats in the world you know. I used to have fish but they kept dying not matter how hard i tried! It makes me a little sad but in the end it was just too much work and if i wasn’t able to take care of them properly i’d rather have no fish honestly

8. Where are you from? i don’t like to say these things but i think it’s pretty obvious if you pay a little attention to what i post every once in a while

9. How tall are you?i’m 1.64 or so, which is like… 5.3-5.4??? I’d like to be a little taller tho

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I don’t own many, this year i bought some winter shoes but i just realised all my summer ones are either a little too used or i just don’t like their style anymore so yeah i should do some shopping (if only i had time to do that hah!)

12. What was your last dream about? i don’t remember very well but i think i saw my economics teacher riding a bike with no pants after i’d been fined by the police for having a water balloon war in the middle of the street, I wasn’t happy about that. I’ve had many dreams i was able to remember these last days, but they were more like nightmares i’d say, many of them about being kidnaped, other studies-related (i failed my math test again, i had to retake my college-access test… just terrible), and other were with people i actually know, which wasn’t the best thing ever honestly

15. Favorite song? Plant life by owl city, i’m going to paste the answer i wrote to explain why it’s my favorite (Plant Life by Owl City, that song just describes my soul at a spiritual level, like I could choose 1564 other songs by Owl City that describe me as well but this one is the one that I can relate to when i’m going through the worst times, but also gives me the hope that things will get better idk. And it’s funny because I still loved it before I had the level of English to understand the lyrics, and then I found out what they meant and i was like “woah this actually speaks to me in a way i can’t explain” it was a really weird feeling idk, that song is just me)

16. Favorite movie? billy elliot, actually it’s been a really long time since i last saw it. I remember i watched it like 7 times in a row in one week when i first saw it, i just loved it so much

17. Who would be your ideal partner? Just… someone that i’m 100% comfortable with, which should be a given, but apparently that isn’t that easy to find. Idk i’ve been thinking a lot about this lately basically because some of my coming decisions are going to be based on who i want as a partner, obviously not in a serious-for-life way, but in a way that i deserve right now. I’d like to have someone that doesn’t make me feel inadequate like almost everyone does, that doesn’t make me feel like a temporary asset in their life until they get want they want for me and just don’t care anymore. I don’t know, recent experiences have made me realise I need to figure out what I want and fight for it, not settle for someone just because it’s convenient, or because i don’t want to be alone... because in the end, if someone is making you feel like shit for being who you are and it’s acting like you are not important, even though they’re willing to be with you (even if it’s just for the physical part) that clearly makes you feel even more lonely

18. Do you want children? I’d say my #1 fear in life is getting accidentally pregnant (i know that shouldn’t worry me that much if i use protection and stuff), i meant a good reason i’m so wary of having sex is because i’d go crazy just considering the possibility that the condom failed or something. I think this answers the question, i really don’t want children, idk if i’d be able to take care of a kid, and above all, i don’t want to. Every time i see a kid in the street or in the public transport i pray he/she doesn’t interact with me because i just find it so so so difficult to be nice to them, basically because i don’t know how . Then i also look at their parents, their tired look, and don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they love their kids and all but I don’t think everyone can find happiness in having kids, and I don’t think I’m one of those people that won’t feel complete until they have kids or stuff. Furthermore, I’m not willing to sacrifice my body and to suffer the pain of giving birth, that doesn’t even cross my mind. So if I consider the possibility in the future i think I’d adopt.

20. Are you religious? I already answered this so I’ll just paste it I’m sorry this is so lazy (i was raised catholic and as a child i was really really devote, i truly believed in god. But you know, as years go by, then you find out you don’t agree with a lot of things the Church preaches (being in a catholic school doesn’t help, i will never forget the day i heard a priest telling literal 7-year-old girls that their only duty in life was to have children). My environment was really really conservative and I was lucky to somehow realise how fucking wrong some of the stuff they were teaching us was, sadly, i still see a lot of kids in my school being brainwashed… it’s crazy to see the way some families think. Anyways, that contributed to me getting distanced from everything religious-related. Now i could say i’m somewhere between agnostic and non-practicing. I still pray every once in a while but i’m not sure if i truly believe it or it’s just out of custom, i just feel too hopeless and detached from everything to believe there’s something greater than us… this question is too hard!)

24. Baths or showers? I used to hate taking showers just because I didn’t have the strength to go through all the process of taking a shower but I’ve been trying to fix this mainly because 1) Personal Hygiene and stuff 2) Even though i don’t have the willpower to do it, i always try to think about how nice it feels to be clean after a shower, or how relaxed you are (even if it’s for a short period of time) after taking a bath. So yeah I don’t like either of them but they’re obviously necessary

26. Have you ever been famous? I haven’t been famous but I’ve been mistaken for a famous people more than once. The first time i was very young and a man asked me if i was that girl (idk who) that was on tv and I said no, and the other was more recent, last year, when someone mistook me for a youtuber

28. What type of music do you like? I love instrumental music, specially orchestral but i also adore celtic themes. And i hate to admit it but i love electro pop, the owl city - type, even though many people (aka my dad) may think it’s not the Best Quality, but i mean who cares at least I enjoy it

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? I’m a mess so most of the time I have a coffee so I don’t die of tiredness throughout the day and if i have time i eat some fruit and cookies, not a lot honestly, which isn’t the most healthy thing to do but hey idc

34. Have you ever fired a gun? No. I really, really hate guns.

37. Favorite swear word? I never swear in public, just when I’m alone, I don’t think I can choose any word!

38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep? Maybe 24 hours, the thing is that i sleep very, very little, but i always end up sleeping anyway

41. Are you a good liar? Even when I’m actually telling the truth there are people who don’t believe me so yeah hah not really

42. Are you a good judge of character? i’m really good at getting the vibes of people, sometimes i think i’m just overreading everything but a high percentage of the time i end up being right, so yeah not only regarding people but also with other aspects of my life… i like to trust my gut. However, i don’t always say it bc i’m afraid i might be wrong, but when my suspicions are proven, I’m like yeah i was right how weird hahahahhhhhhhhh, i amaze myself in this aspect honestly

46. What is your personality type? i think i’m intj, but i remember retaking the test a few months later and getting another result but yeah i can relate to the architect type, introvert, cautelous, focused on analysing rather than acting blah blah all that stuff (i love this stuff)

49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie 4 life, because I’ve tried to force myself to be more outie and let me tell you that didn’t go well

50. Left or right handed? left!!!

51. Are you scared of spiders? I’m really scared of them but i also cry every time i kill one bc i feel sorry for her (but it’s either my life or hers i’m sorry) although most of the time when i see i spider i face my fear and i put in in a box or something to release it outside

52. Favorite food? i’d eat ice cream every day of my life for every meal all the time just give me all the ice cream

58. Do you have much of an ego? My ego is so tiny sometimes i forget it exists and let people step on it like it’s nothing

61. Do you sing to yourself? I perform to myself, i love singing alone in my room. I used to care about my neighbour hearing me but you only live once right

62. Are you a good singer? i wouldn't say i’m a bad singer, nor a good one bc the problem is that my voice is not very strong, so it’s very hard to hear me. But yeah, i’ve been complimented for my singing in some occasions, and i really enjoy doing it on my own (i still don’y know how i was able to sing in public the only time i have done it)

63. Biggest Fear? that i’ll keep missing stuff due to my anxiety, oh that and having unwanted kids obviously

64. Are you a gossip? it’s always interesting to hear stuff and be aware of what happens around you but i‘ve always said that things would be better if everyone just… minded their own business a little bit more, you can’t get mad at someone if they don’t want to tell you something, it’s their life and they don’t owe you all the explanations after all

66. Do you like long or short hair? i have really long hair and i’d love it if it wasn’t so so so hard to maintain… i’m pretty tired of it honestly and i know i said i’d be cutting and donating it this year but… it’s such a part of my identity (which is so silly but it’s true, i’m introduced to some people as “the girl with really long hair”) and… i don’t know i think i’ve enough changes this year, so i’ll keep it for a little longer

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? i’m so scared of the sea i think i’d die

71. What makes you nervous? sadly, even the most insignificant stuff makes me nervous, and apparently, ignoring them doesn’t mae them disapear! so yeah i’m basically suffering at all times due to stupid stuff, i’ve just learned to ignore it enough so it doesn’t interfere with the rest of my life (most of the time it works but it’s mentally draining now that i think about it)

77. Have you ever drank underage? I’m one of those people that can say that never drank alcohol until it was legal for me to do it, I didn’t do it even when my mom offered me something at family gatherings… yeah i think that’s the reason i drink so much now

80. How many piercings do you have? I don’t like piercings for myself (i obviously don’t have a problem with other people having them) but i just think it’s an unnecessary way of mutilating yourself (i hate needles)

86. What are you allergic to? Ironically, I’m allergic to cats, even though i have 2. It comes and goes, and it’s not serious, i sneeze a lot, my eyes itch a little sometimes, but i’m willing to pay that price for my cats honestly

87. Do you keep a journal? I do, but it’s been months since i last wrote mainly because i always feel like shit after writing, so now i can’t bring myself to do it, that’s why i post so much about my personal life in here, because i’m not able to journal but i also don’t want to forget about what happens in my life

90. What makes you angry? Anger is a weird concept for me. I get angry very often, but I’m angry in general, not at anyone in particular, I just find myself unable to get mad at someone, the anger instantaneously turns into sadness, so I don’t know what’s worse. If I’m being mean to someone (most of the time my parents are the victims) it’s not because of them, I’m just angry for no reason and I just can’t keep being nice.

Hey congratualtions if you made it till the end, i was really bored so i answered a lot. Thanks for the message again 🐱🐱🐱🌳🌳🌳

[ihateeveryoneincludingmyself]

i don’t think anyone I know irl has my tumblr so I’m just gonna vent here.

so in May I met this girl on tinder, and we hit it off super fast and we talked nonstop it was honestly pretty overwhelming because I didn’t remember what it was like to have someone into me. she was trying to move very quickly and I’m very emotionally unavailable so I didn’t want to get into a relationship with her.

we remained friends. super good friends. she even considered me her best friend which I didn’t even know she felt that strongly until we started to fight. thought I was just some dude she talked to when she wasn’t hanging out with her irl friends.

our first fight happened when I realized how deeply she’s into the awful college student drinking partying culture. to be clear because this is something she doesn’t fucking understand, I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DRINKING! I DRINK, EVERYBODY I KNOW DRINKS!! but every week sometimes multiple times a week she would drunk text me random stupid shit like she couldn’t even spell properly and like she doesn’t remember shit in the morning you know like, actually fucking drunk. i can’t stand how people think that’s normal or okay. if you can’t control your drinking then don’t drink. if you can control, then have a couple drinks! enjoy yourself! BUT THERES A POINT WHERE YOU ARE DESTROYING YOURSELF. okay so here’s why I’m extra sensitive about this topic. my parents were alcoholics. also did heroin n shit but yeah I wasn’t allowed to live with them. and every time I see someone fucking wasted, it reminds me of them. i remember my grandpa taking me to restaurants to visit my parents and by the time we finished eating they were drunk. couldn’t even talk to them as a little kid. I lost my childhood due to alcoholism. i know this girl is just a college student partying blah blah blah but it can lead to worse and like.... seriously who the fuck wants to talk to someone who can’t even produce sentences? when you’re that intoxicated it’s simply not healthy even if I didn’t have trauma related to alcohol I would probably still be concerned. anyways, I progressively got more angry with her. i said a lot of things I shouldn’t have . i tore her apart in response to my anger. i hate myself for the way I treated her, but GUESS WHAT? she still doesn’t listen to me. still regularly getting wasted and it fucjing pisses me off because she goes around telling people that I don’t let her DRINK. LIKE SHES MISSING THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT!! IM GOING TO COPY AND PASTE EXACTLY WHAT I SAID BEFORE I GOT INTO DETAIL ABOUT THIS: I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DRINKING! I DRINK, EVERYBODY I KNOW DRINKS!! but every week sometimes multiple times a week she would drunk text me random stupid shit like she couldn’t even spell properly and like she doesn’t remember shit in the morning you know like, actually fucking drunk. i can’t stand how people think that’s normal or okay. if you can’t control your drinking then don’t drink. if you can control, then have a couple drinks! enjoy yourself! BUT THERES A POINT WHERE YOU ARE DESTROYING YOURSELF.

anyways, now as I said she still fucking gets wasted all the time,BUT SHE DOESNT TALK TO ME. but she posts about it on her Instagram story (which I’m blocked from seeing but.... I have my ways🤷🏻), she talks to other people JUST NOT ME. THAT WASNT MY FUCKING INTENTION WITH MY SERIES OF INTERVENTIONS. I WANTED HER TO BECOME MORE RESPONSIBLE WITH ALCOHOL? AND THEN SHE CAN ENJOY A DRINK AND STILL TALK LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING. GOD IT MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY TO KNOW THAT SHES STILL BEING WHAT I LIKE TO CALL A GLORIFIED ALCOHOLIC, BUT SHE JUST DOESNT DRUNK TEXT ME ANYMORE.

ooh then another fight.... I was venting to an NOW EX FRIEND FUCK THAT BITCH SHE BOILS MY BLOOD JUST THINKING ABOUT HER of mine ..... AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER GOD I FUCKING HATE HER FOR WHAT SHE DID.... DECIDED TO SNITCH ON ME AND MESSAGE THE GIRL AND TELL HER THAT I WAS VENTING. AND SHE MISINTERPRETED AS ME “TALKING SHIT” WHEN I NEVER EVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT HER IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT. SOME PPL SAID “SHES TOXIC” I ALWAYS FUCKING DEFENDED HER BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH WE WERE FIGHTING I STILL ADORED HER. so yeah that put even more tension on our friendship. AND I DROPPED THE SNITCH GIRL RIGHT AWAY, I WILL NEVER FUCKING FORGIVE HER BECAUSE MY FRIENDSHIP WITH THE GIRL COULDVE BEEN SAVED IF IT WASNT FOR HER. FUCK HER. I FUCKING HATE HER SO MUCH AND NOW THEYRE FRIENDS AND COMMENT ON EACHOTHERS POSTS AND IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH.

anyways, like I mentioned I said a lot of terrible things to her. i was really fucking angry and I said some terrible things which I deeply regret and I tried apologizing and making it up but now already our friendship was messed up.

also, she eventually ended up getting a boyfriend and like, if I said I wasn’t a little jealous I’d be lying but I was the one who rejected her in the first place so 😳😳it’s whatever. but she told her boyfriend everything about me and this guy now hates my guts LOL . ever since she started dating the guy she talked to me less and less.

and during a short period of time when we weren’t fighting I introduced her to a friend of mine and now they talk a lot and she likes him more so YES IM FUCKING JEALOUS AND I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.

but this friend of mine she started talking to leads me to my breaking point. so you know she’s been distant because apparently every time we talk it’s a fight but I’m like BUT WHY?? and this next fight will show exactly how ITS NOT ALL MY FAULT, SHES TO FUCKING BLAME AS WELL!!

so she’s been ignoring me for a couple days after a PETTY FIGHT THAT I FELT WAS LITERALLY NOTHING JUST A SILLY LITTLE FIGHT THAT IDC ABOUT. basically she got mad because I was bullying that friend of mine about his league of legends stats 🤣 literally a fucking video game that she doesn’t like and she’s mad at me for TEASING MY FRIEND.

so I got kinda sad.... like why is she ignoring me??

she eventually responded after I sent her a looong paragraph with some identifying info so I’m not gonna show it. BUT HERES WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW SHE ISNT GONNA TALK TO ME WHILE SHES GETTING DRUNK !!

okay the next screenshot has more identifying details so I’m not gonna share but basically she LIED TO ME SAYING SHE HAD NO SERVICE FOR 3 WHOLE DAYS BLAH BLAH BLAH WHILE I COULD GET PROOF THAT SHE WAS TEXTING MY FRIEND LIKE EVERY CHANCE SHE GOT . HE TOLD ME THEY STILL TALKED AND SHE WAS PURPOSELY IGNORING ME BC IM TOO STRESSFUL FOR WHATEVER. BUT SHE FUCKING LIED ABOUT IT

so basically, here’s how it’s not just my fault . yes, getting angry is my fault I could be a little less harsh. im working on it. BUT THIS GIRL HAS BEEN IGNORING ME FOR DAYS AND THEN LIES TO ME?? COME ON ISNT THAT A VALID REASON TO BE UPSET

anyways this is the last thing I sent her before deactivating my Instagram (I have her number too but we rarely talk on there). but the fact that she said we aren’t friends anymore.... broke my fucking heart. I broke down in tears. I had to stop myself from hurting myself or saying something dumb. so I ended it there.

i tried to hard to fix what we once had. yes, I’m at fault for being a dick and not being able to control my anger. but she’s at some fault for giving me valid reasons to be upset. i tried to hard to fix our friendship. but the more I try the more angry I get. she isn’t going to listen to me. she doesn’t even care about me anymore. it’s over.

ive been pretty suicidal lately. a few months ago I started cutting myself again after years and I hate myself for it. i pushed everybody away. she was the last person I regularly talked to. maybe now I can take a break from the fighting, try to get to a better place mentally, and try to get back in touch with some of my other friends, or make new friends.

idk I’m still very upset but this long ass vent that no one is gonna read helped a lot. this all happened over a few months and today was where I ended it. time to start a new chapter I guess

[mpgiswiki]

the rest of this post will be under a readmore cause its really just for me to have handy an itll probably be a little long

ok so like i said a bunch of times already today, i keep having dreams about one specific tooth of mine falling out??? so now im convinced its actually gonna fall out 

anyways now im gonna try and write down and analyze my dreams (or at least the ones i remember) and try to figure out How My Poor Tooth Will Go

so from what i can remember, the first dream i had about this tooth falling out was earlier this month (may) or late april. the dream started out normally?? like more normal than having a tooth fall out i guess…i was in my ap lang class and the teacher wasnt my normal teacher, it was this math teacher at my school that everyone just fucking hates. she was being a real bitch and when i answered one question wrong, she literally kicked me out of ap lang? the whole class like i wouldnt get credits for the class and i couldnt take the exam or anything i was just gone for good. obviously i was pissed about this, so i screamed and kicked things and did my usually anger breakdown thing and walked out of the class, heading to guidance. i cant remember which of these events happened first but at one point i was walking down the hallway (which now that i think of it, seemed more reminiscent of a hallway at my middle school) and i saw 3 of my friends (maybe 4 i cant remember) and they were doing karaoke in the middle of the hallway since there was a tv hanging from the ceiling. paige was singing and she was really getting into it. at another point in the dream, like i said, not sure if this was before or after the karaoke thing, i had to get on a bus in order to get to guidance. while on this bus, i had to talk to this girl i used to be friends with but told to fuck off freshman year cause she was toxic and i wanted to get ride of her. she just talked to me like normal?? like she didnt hate my guts for calling her an annoying bitch lmao?? and i just talked to her normally too which was fucking weird…anyways after i got off the bus, i was at guidance. the door to the guidance offices looked like the? jungle?? or whatever??? like some environmentalist designed the place…there was even a hug recycle bin there. i just kinda stood by the door for a while…i think my Dumb Ass couldnt figure out how to get in the door. i just kinda gave up i literally just said “fuck it i gotta go im late to drama practice” which is weird bc im not even fucking in drama. but nonetheless, i went to drama practice. drama practice was held in some huge ass library and the only other people there that i was talking to were my friend dana and my?? drivers ed teacher??? we were supposed to be practicing a scene from les mis which i guess was what play we were doing (i think?? i was cosette and dana was eponine and my fucking drivers ed teacher was marius…) but instead of practicing, we were just talking about the bullshit that was the fact i was kicked out of ap lang like a week before the exam. and then?? my tooth (top left, second from the front left tooth) just fuckign fell out and i started gushing blood and then i woke up…

 after that, i had an assortment of little dreams i can hardly remember where my tooth (the same one as always) either falls out or is pulled out. i remember in one its very violently pulled from my mouth and the only other thing i remember from that dream is that this bitch, holly, was there (she didnt pull out the tooth tho i think mikan tsumiki pulled out the tooth). in some other ones, i remember that my tooth was already pulled out before the dream and i would like keep it in the socket in my mouth and pretend like it was still attached?? which leads me to my other very vivid and most recent dream,

so, this one i had last night. its kinda in the opposite order the first one was in, it started with the tooth and ended with ap lang. so in this one, i started off in a dentists office. my dentist was actually my psychiatrist?? but in the dream i just saw her as my dentist but anyways i was talking to her about my teeth and whatever. she asked if there was anything else id like to say before we ended the appointment (kinda like how she would at my irl psychiatrist appointments) and i was like “oh yeah, my tooth fell out” and i just kinda take my tooth out of its little socket. apparently it had fallen out before (like, i long while before) and i had been keeping it in cause i didnt want people to know it fell out i guess?? and when i showed my dentist she was like “oh you pulled out your cracked tooth huh” or whatever and i got really confused because i was under the impression that it had just fallen right out but she pointed out that the tooth itself was cracked. then the bell rung and suddenly i was in the cafeteria at my school and i had no idea what fucking class i had next. so i was just kinda slowly walking out of the cafe when the fire alarm started to go off. i was super confused cause we had just had a fire drill the day before so it didnt make any sense why we would have another. until the principal said on the loud speaker that it was For Real and i started to FLIP. i finally figured out we had D period next, meaning i was supposed to be going to ap lang so i had to find that class so i would be accounted for. i was about to bolt the fuck out when i noticed my ap lang teacher was like right near me. i asked him why he was down by the cafe and not near his room and he said it was cause theres a lot of stuffed lions (tigers?) in his room and he was having electrical problems so it was only a matter of time before one of them caught on fire. so that was weird. anyways we went outside to where we were supposed to wait if there was a fire and i played some kind of hopscotch? game with some kids ive seen around school but have never talked to. none of them were in my ap lang class but whatever. the fire department quickly put out the fire and we all had to fucking continue school because of fucking course we would. so i went to my ap lang class and looked into the door window of the classroom and it didnt really look like it was on fire it looked more like one of the classrooms in corpse party…we held class in the class directly next to it with the other ap lang class and we were basically coloring. someone stole the seat i was sitting in when i got up for like a second. then like sparks started flying off god knows where and something caught fire and then i woke up.

wow this is already super long…ok well here goes my analysis of the dreams and my prediction. 

so the reason im so insistent that i might actually lose my tooth is cause a lot of times, i can correctly predict the future. it happens a lot with dreams especially. like if you know me you probably know im kinda a little psychic ?? in some ways. so im kinda taking this recurring dream as an omen. anyways the fact that in all the ones i can remember, theres something that has to do with school and especially ap lang?? makes me think somethings gonna happen in there. i thought before, in the first dream, the whole ap lang part was because i had my ap exam coming up and i was nervous about it but now that ive finished that and stuff im not too sure. i feel like the karaoke gang will end up being the people i see on my merry way to the nurses office with the tooth in hand, especially dana who has a really big presence in the first and last dreams?? dana was in the karaoke scene, she was there when it fell out in the first dream, and she was in the cafe with me when the fire alarm went off. i think ill probably talk to her about it right after it happens..i dont think she’ll be the reason i get my tooth knocked out tho bc if it does happen in ap lang like i assume then she wouldnt be anywhere near me at the time. i believe the reason my drivers ed teacher was also there was because at the time i had the first dream, i was taking drivers ed. and he was probably marius cause i hate marius and him. also the bitch i hate was there cause i have dreams about her and i being friendly constantly so that means nothing in regards to my tooth. the fact that i was so shocked the tooth was cracked may be my dream just telling me that its gonna crack off and not that it just falls or is just plainly pulled out. my psychiatrist was there because the other day i was wondering when my next appointment was. and the whole stuff with the fire probably came from the fact that we had a fire drill the other day and it also may symbolize the panic and whatever when my tooth fucking breaks off in class. now how exactly do i think itll go down, based on the dream + other stuff??? well like i said, itll be in ap lang most likely. how does one chip off a tooth in fucking ap lang? well right now my teacher is teaching the chinese students that are visiting about american sports so he has a bunch of sports balls sitting on the table in the front of the room. before he comes into the classroom to start class, some kids pick up a ball and play with it for a while. so im guessing my shit luck will cause someone to accidentally hit me in the face with a ball, hard enough to break my tooth. i, or someone else, will then probably have to pull my cracked, loose tooth out of its socket. there will be tons of blood. i will walk to the nurses office and maybe at some point see dana and tell her what happened. and thats what the fuck ive been thinking about all day. 

so ya tldr; some kid is gonna knock my tooth out in ap lang probably so 

[sorcieresque]

clea and daisy and trying to build a friendship out of thin air when you’re either fake or a mess at social interactions while also being high as fuck: The Convo

(please do yourself a favor and install x-kit’s read-more now bc daisy’s theme is unreadable)

Today at 12:45 AM

sorcieresque Do I remind you of your Mother.

bythepowerof4 absolutely ot also this is a little silly daaisy *not

bythepowerof4 haha are you gonna send this to everyone :p

sorcieresque No, I'm asking you. Specifically.

bythepowerof4 ok thats a little weird then but ok

bythepowerof4 no you do not!! my mother is nice and not magical yeah whhat data are u hoping to gather here exactly??

sorcieresque Scientific data. Specifically.

bythepowerof4 lmao sure hit me with ur hypothesis miss daisy also i know i contain multitudes or whatever but 1 is a pisspoor sample size haha

sorcieresque How dare you question my methods.

bythepowerof4 i am taking one whole chemistry class this year how dare you how dare me!!!

sorcieresque How dare you d are me dare you to answer my question.

bythepowerof4 im too tired to tack another how dare on there just imgine i did ok fill in the blanks How are u holding up lmaoo. see ur maneater hobby is going well right now

bythepowerof4 ok wow daisy youre beinng linda gross :// Kinda

sorcieresque It's a joke Humor! Specifically.

bythepowerof4 hahahahaha youre so funny!!!

sorcieresque Thank you, Clea Spacebabe, Specifically

bythepowerof4 dont do that :/

sorcieresque Do what

bythepowerof4 be MEAN and weird for no reason and not even be that good at it its stupidd

sorcieresque He started it by babbling like a toddler about having my meanness all figured out, and besides, he pulled the same move on Tyler the other week God, Clea, it's almost like you're getting soft

bythepowerof4 god daisy its almost like i always was :p

sorcieresque For Men? Specifically? I may have misunderstood something

sorcieresque Grieviously so

bythepowerof4 fuck off oh my god i dont care about him bc hes gross but now YOUREbeing gross so what am i meant to do with that huh huh

sorcieresque I have found through my scientific endeavors that people in this school do not know how to take an vulgar joke We're teenagers for god's sake Get real

bythepowerof4 xactly if they dont know how to take it as a joke that makes it sad and mean like how youre always sad and mean to moire and its not gonna come off like a joke when you keep beating each other hp its gonna come off weird and creepy which it did but if you wanna be weird and creepy cb ur a teenager fine i guess??

sorcieresque That's judgmental of you

bythepowerof4 thats judgmental of you to call me judgmental

bythepowerof4 sorry i dont like, get the appeal of ur hobbies

sorcieresque Taylor and I are not sad and Mean to each other, I'll have you know I got her a twenty thousand dolalr Book that she hates and either way What Tyler and I get up to is not your space babe business So forgive me If I infer that you amy perhaps be Jealous

bythepowerof4 why?? would u infer that???? if youre friends thats good i want you to have lots of friends?????

sorcieresque You seem, as the kids say, Salty

bythepowerof4 daisy no offence but im not very jealous ofthe girl who you punch in the face sometimes and try to humiliate online

sorcieresque Oh Do you actually mean it then That you think I am weird and creepy?

bythepowerof4 hhhhhhhh no

sorcieresque You said it

bythepowerof4 i think youre BEING weird and creepy :(

sorcieresque Do not make me pull reciepts

bythepowerof4 do not make me crytype at u ill do it!! im sorry youre not creepy except for when you try to be you know cause u do that

sorcieresque I wasn't trying to be this time, I was making humorosu statements about People's mother complexes Taylor walked straight into that One Tyler*

sorcieresque [[ actually lets retcon that correction taylor is way funnier

bythepowerof4 i think talking about pples mothers complexes in a weird sexy way is automatically creepy tho

sorcieresque Hence, the humor Whatever, ET You don't get it

bythepowerof4 no i dont glad we cleared that up

bythepowerof4 that sounded rude igore that

sorcieresque Can't and shan't

bythepowerof4 boo

bythepowerof4 i already said sorry right cause i thoght i did but u havent said anything so maybe i made that up

sorcieresque Yes but you're just sorry you have hurt my delicate sensibilities,  not that you think I'm weird That's un-takeback-able Grievously so

bythepowerof4 Being Weird thats a different thing???

bythepowerof4 i mean sure naybe i am a little jealous bc apparently beating u up is takebackable but saying one wrong thing isnt that seems about right huh u dont even care abut my delicate sensibilities daisy u dont get to be picky about this when im sorry which i very totally sm ):

sorcieresque I like when Tyler beats me up Wording Terrible wording

sorcieresque I encourage Tyler to beat me up for I do the same to her and so we are Even When have I ever not cared about your delicate sensibilities except for the thievery, the unkindness, the coy filirting and hot and coldness, the attempt to use you as a hitman, and the backahanded mockery of your interest

bythepowerof4 thats not funny :/

sorcieresque Of which I do not longer have done to you I'm a different person now than I was a month aho

sorcieresque None of the things I type are coming out the way I want them to sound which would fundamentally reapir the fragile emergence of our tentaitvie friendship

bythepowerof4 i mean accetping my apology might have worked Or giving, one, but u know go with ur gut be ur authentic self or whatever

sorcieresque Now who's being mean

bythepowerof4 nlehhhhhhh. Fine. its me i mean no bc im trying to be nice but ur not letting me !!

sorcieresque How so

bythepowerof4 like i said sorry and you said you didnt believe me thats not fair bc it was true?? and then ur talking about our budding friendship like you actually care abt it and IM the bad guy ):

sorcieresque Making friends is so hard

bythepowerof4 Nnot normally sometimes

sorcieresque I know I'm abnormal

sorcieresque It's generally frowned upont to point it out I had hoped You specifically

bythepowerof4 thats not what i meant dont do that ):

sorcieresque Wouldn't find it offputtin

bythepowerof4 ???? wouldnt find what offputtin

sorcieresque My glaring abnormality I'm too high for this

bythepowerof4 im not a jerk why do u think im a jerk and if u WERNT high ud be too sober for this and not talk about anything duh

bythepowerof4 i, am an open book, always

sorcieresque Oh are you Spacebabe then why won't you answer my question about yout Momther

bythepowerof4 "no you do not!! my mother is not magical yeah"

bythepowerof4 i didnt realise you wanted an essay lmoa

sorcieresque It was a scheme! A sly plan! To get to know you! You fool! You moron!

bythepowerof4 oh

bythepowerof4 i dont always get that stuff im sorry also i was told several times that you never try to get to know people and its all on me all the time and i was dumb and believed that so uh. Didnt occur to me igues

sorcieresque Well that's true but I am trying new things New school new me

sorcieresque Why are you out there

bythepowerof4 i like the view. scary forest full of things that would kill me, very comforting

sorcieresque It's only scary if you let them scare you Give me a moment

sorcieresque [Maybe five minutes later Daisy gets up with far more difficulty than she would otherwise, and stumbles out onto the porch. She hears rather than sees Clea crying, and she isn't sure what pushes her to do it, but instead of continuing the argument in person she simply lies her head on Clea's lap and continues blogging on her phone.]

bythepowerof4 [daisy's head on their lap prompts a fresh ugly sob, and they try to wipe away the snot before it drips onto her hair. gross. they let her blog in peace for a while, feeling even more like the bad guy - maybe five more minutes, till they can't help but ask.] is nick mad at me too??

sorcieresque [Daisy shrugs widely, her words low and dragged out.] Maybe. I'll ask him not to be, [she says, as if that would solve everything and who knows: Maybe it would. They work in mysterious ways.] Do not call me weird again.

bythepowerof4 [they squint down at her, sniffling in a way they hope isn't too pathetic. they feel like she's closed off again, but take it as a peace offering.] thanks. i won't.

bythepowerof4 [they can't come up with a counter demand; the conversation must have been pretty one sided. they settle for leaning back on their arms, sobs dried up.]

[ts-indonesia]

Episode 3: “I guess he just wants to be homophobic or whatever” - Isaac

Motivated by a two round losing streak, the newbies battled against the returnees in the ‘bean dilemma’ challenge. After a tense 50:50 choice, the Obor tribe finally won immunity, sending the returnees (joined by Lorelei & Kenny) to tribal council - but Stoner went to tribal with an idol clue in hand.

As Cahaya scrambled, it became clear the vote was to be between two names; Julian & Isaac. While Stoner & Owen attempted to save Julian, his relative challenge/social inactivity and Isaac’s ability to get in with key returnees like Olivia, ensured Isaac’s own safety.

Before tribal council, Julian called out the tribe for voting him out, which alongside Lorelei’s messages in the tribe chat, sent the returnees into a tailspin. At tribal, Julian was sent out unanimously, with Julian calling out Stoner on his way out of the door.

JESS

These newbies.. TRYING TO SET ME UP? I- I'm shook. I don't know if I should tip my hat off to them or punch them all in the neck? JKJK.. But honestly, if I was a newbie I would blame the two random vets who just strolled in for the day to try and cause some conflict with a potential swap near. I'm probably once again overreacting but this just seems so suspicious to me... We lost :( which makes me sad. I didn't want to participate in this challenge but there seemed to be some urgency to get it over with and I didn't want to be "That bitch". I'm trying NOT to get involved in too many things and I'm failing MISERABLY. I hate this. Did I want to be an infiltrator? Kind of. I just honestly want to pull my weight on the tribe and make sure no one wants to murder me. I think I have enough ammo to murder Julian here sadly. So if it is me this vote I'll be the most blindsided I've ever been in my life. Michael and I are sharing idol clues which is pretty cool. I'm convinced there are NO IDOLS on this god damn map though or someone got lucky and already has it. I was contemplating going for the idol in this challenge but honestly... the risk wasn't worth the reward in the end which blows. Sorry if I sound like a god damn ROBOT this confessional. TOODLES

OLIVIA

Had a super great talk with stoner tonight. What a cool guy

I feel like Isaac is on the bottom and I fucking love him I literally don’t think I could vote him out (not that he’s on the chopping block) and he’s not in my alliance :( Also Owen and I agreed to keep our close bond a secret, secret o alliance hehe. But we called and talked tonight I love him too

I guess it’s a good problem to have that everyone on your tribe is fucking awesome but man it makes me nervous for the future. Damn can a tie or something. Isaac-Owen-Olivia-stoner-foxx-Jess-Matt you ALL WIN SURVIVOR!!!!

FOXX

So the challenge ended up being a disaster and we’re going to tribal. Although *technically* I didn’t compete so I’m going to say I have a perfect challenge voting record. That’s how that works, right? I’m just being petulant? Ok. Not much resembling an actual plan has come up yet. We formed an alliance with myself, Jess, Olivia, & Stoner and everyone has come to me about what the plan is so that’s just fine by me since it means I’ve given a good impression to my fellow tribemates. The consensus seems to be Julian since he seems to have contributed the least to the tribe thus far, sitting out of 2 challenges, being inactive, and having a not-great attitude when he visited the other tribe. Stoner is pushing for Isaac but I have a better working relationship with him AND he’s from my homestate so we have that. In the end though I’m fairly indifferent as to how things go. At least in the early stages where I haven’t been given eTrauma by have the cast it’s not fun to vote people out when everyone’s been nice to you but I better get used to it.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Someone talked. I made a couple of throwaway comments about Julian’s comment at the first Obor tribal and apparently he came and told Jess he was sorry about them. The only people who I talked about it with was Jess & Stoner. Both Isaac and Julian know they’re being targeted so somebody has done some talking. It’s been one week and I'm already hyperventilating.  

TRENT

So tribal last night didn't go exactly as I thought. Close but one little thing stuck out. I got a vote. I'm not too worried about it but it's a little strange. I think someone wants me to think it's the returnees but idk why. My theory is that it's chris. I think he's realized im his biggest threat and he wants me to get paranoid or rattled or wants me to lose my temper.  We then went to immunity challenge and killed it for our first win. Later that night anabel told me something very important. That she has the immunity idol. I'm about 95% sure she's telling the truth because I can't possibly think about why you'd lie about that because it would make a huge target on your back. She also told me she would be willing to use it on me if she had to. I told her she shouldnt do that because i don't want to ruin her game, but of course i'd want that. We will see. Going to be interesting who goes home on the other side. IF jess was being super honest with me the other night (which i think she was) I hope it's not her and that swap happens and that the Indonesia gods will bless me and put me on a tribe with her and Anabel.

MATT

ok so after last tribal, we pretty much head right into the next immunity challenge.  it only required four of our nine members, chris, owen and i stepped up and said we would do it.  however the battle for fourth was a DOOZY!!!  Michael was online but said he had a limited amount of time because  he goes into work soon.  Issac, Julian and Olivia weren’t online, Foxx didn’t seem interested in it, so that left Jess. However Jess decided she wanted to put on a whole production of “I can do it if y’all want but i don’t want to”.  For god knows how long, she went back and fourth between some variation of “i don’t mind doing it” and “michael you can do it idk if i wanna do it”.  like jess.  we get it.  you don’t wanna do it so literally just say so. like foxx has no problem doing that so why can’t  you??  But after this whole charade Jess ends up participating.  The four doing the challenge were myself, Chris, Owen, and Jess.  Owen and myself seemed to be the ones who spoke the most and were tying to plan our moves while Jess and chris were just like “ok what am i doing”.   We lost 3-2 and it sent us to our first tribal council.   While on call for the challenge, Chris( i think) brought up what if we lose, what’s the plan.  and mentioned how he wouldn’t go after any of us doing the challenge, we all agreed naturally.  And then it was brought up either Issac or Julian as potential votes.  Which is exactly what i would wanna do.  Both of them seem to be the least active and haven’t really done much for us.  i think issac is probably going to be the target this week simply because he has been the least active, rarely pops into tribe chat, and even chris said he hasn’t spoken to him.  (same goes for me).  So i do think Issac being the boot makes sense here especially with a swap on the horizon.  However i’m not going to make too big of a push for him to go because again, unnecessary target early on.  i want to make it deep into this game.  So my strategy is to make it seem like others have influence over me, agree with them, and subtly push my agenda towards them in a way that they can do what i want . i think being three rounds into this game, i do have somewhat of a solid footing in my tribe and could definitely have some pull later on, it’s just a matter of getting to the end game.

OLIVIA

I feel like everyone’s lying to my face and I’m gonna leave but I also feel like that about every tribal but idk. Something is up with Jess

ISAAC

This round has been genuinely so fucking stressful. It’s our first tribal and Julian says my name because I guess he just wants to be homophobic or whatever. As of right now I’ve been told by multiple different people that it hasn’t been able to pick up much traction (eat your heart out Stoner) and I thank god for that but I’m also dead inside. Like I didn’t wanna see Julian go but he also couldn’t keep his mouth shut which is ironic because the very reason he’s going home is because he doesn’t talk. In terms of sociability I’m really close to Olivia, Owen, and Jess. If we ever make an alliance I’d dub us the losers club but it hasn’t happened yet. Foxx is cool but I’m very weary of him. Chris Stoner is hard to hold a conversation with but I think that’s just because heavy faker than a 3 dollar bill. Michael is an adult and I’m a different time zone so it’s  hard to talk to him physically. Matt just started to talk to me today which left me shook like it’s Day 8(?) This game has started out so rocky for me but I genuinely think I’ve found a friend in Olivia

OWEN

ngl i dont remember what i said last kjfhasdkjfhkjds ??? i volunteered for challenge bc i wanted to slay the strategy but then i didnt listen to my gut in the last round and cost us the win :((( i shoulda know round 4 theyd do 0 so they could go all out round 5!!! but tbh im not sad at all about losing.... the more newbies i can reserve to work with at a swap, the better. plus i got to talk to lorelei again <3 and meet kenny!!!! i tried talking to ppl + fortifying relationships. i called olivia and that went rlly well, i love her and honestly she could be my f2 in this game. the double o alliance? its real !!!  i brought up the idea of the foxx/jess/chris/me/her alliacne and said foxx wanted michael and she told me she liked/talked to matt more than michael and i was like OMG GIRL ME TOO !!! and then I had an idea to make a chat with me/her/matt which i rlly love it seems like julian is goin which i dont mind, would rather michael/foxx go but im not tryna make waves and i want to buld trust this tribal. the only prob is chris told julian and now julian is freaking out. i really fucking wish jess/foxx/chris/olivia didnt have a four person alliance. like why wouldnt jess try to include me on that!!!??? vgrrrrr so idk about her but i like chris olivia and matt rn we definitely swapping tonight so imma gear up1 

ali asked me some questions and now i will answer them. first he asked how my time as infiltrator went and if it impacted my game... it definitely benefit me i believe. I made connections with chris o/lorelei/leigh/anabel, and I believe those will help me a SHIT TON if we swap tonight. jess let me know anabel likes me, lorelei has been talkin to me as an infiltrator, and im so excited to meet up with chris again if i can. i definitely used it to my advantage and i think it could save me in this game later on another question was what my plan is to avoid being sent out as a threat since i am a former winner/"big-brainer" ali said lmao im dumb af. i think part of that is gonna come from who i choose to play with. part of the appeal of the newbies is some of them might not know/care that I have won before. and chris stoner is a winner too so working with him kind of brings that down a bit. when I get voted out of this game, it will 100% be because im viewed as a threat i think. whether its like bc i won comps or bc people like isaac who have been around a while paint me as one idk but im going to have to work rlly hard to build trust with people and make them want to keep me here. other than that its just like...mapping out a path to the end and keeping big threats in the game. uhhh the last question was about who i'd like to see leave if we went to tribal again. definitely foxx, he's working with all the people i want to be working with and for some reason they put him in their alliance and not me :)) soooo love that for me xo bye bye furry

OLIVIA

Julian went awf and Lorelei is a crack addict and we’re about to have tribal and everyone is so fucking paranoid and on edge I can’t handle this

I literally only believe and trust Isaac at this point

MATT

Julian was very quickly the target thrown out for this round.  i had no qualms with that.  Julian was one of the two options on the chopping block.  Everyone seemed to agree on him pretty quickly.   also during class, owen approached me about an alliance with him and olivia which i absolutely ADORE!!! Those are two people i 100% wanted to work with and i’m glad an alliance was made