#well i didnt like write the thing anyway. well we all contributed to writing it but i didnt like write it.

[talon-dragonbeast]

misceanimalis identities and alterhumanity

(also called: ✨misceverse propaganda✨)

a few days ago i promised to write a post about the misceverse and how it applies to myself/my identity. so, here it is!

[as a disclaimer, im still very much aroace so rest assured this post will be completely sfw. however, im aware that some people can be uncomfortable with this stuff so ill be putting the post under a read more]

so, omegaverse. a few of you may remember my post/essay on how i view gender through draconic lenses, and how my species classifies ourselves not with sex but with how we contribute to society, our Role. well, last week i saw some of my mutuals (shout-out to @/were-bastard and @/professional-jaywalker, the birds ever /pos) reblog stuff about something called the misceverse, which was inspired by omegaverse fanfic tropes, and... well. it piqued my interest. i had read a few of these stories myself when i was younger, so i knew more or less about what it was all about, but i didnt know there was an entire community centered around it!

what struck me the most about these communities was the normalization and celebration of animalistic behaviours, specifically as they relate to relationships, something that, as a nonhuman, is obviously very appealing to me. i struggle a lot to express affection in the expected/"human" way, as my instincts tell me to act more like the creature i am. things like nesting, scenting, giving gifts or having a special language of animal noises to communicate with your loved ones are things i do naturally, and that i fight to suppress every day. upon seeing all this in the misce community, plus the classifications that match so perfectly with my dragon Roles, i was sold.

so, what even is misceanimalis?

also called miscecanis, its a community centered around the omegaverse, that is, a universe where people have secondary sexes as well as the normal ones: alpha, beta or omega. (they were inspired by that one study on wolf behaviour and pack dynamics, which i find really funny bc its considered incredibly inaccurate nowadays). people on this verse exhibit animal behaviours like nesting, forming packs, making animal noises or "subvocals", and, of course, experiencing mating cycles (i will not get into that last part, but basically omegas have heats and can get pregnant while alphas have ruts and can get people pregnant; betas are usually the "normal" ones, but this may vary between verses). also! a very important thing in omegaverse is scenting. everyone has a unique scent, so people can identify your dynamic right away; its used as a way to mark your territory and your mate and to express emotions.

about me!

dynamic: i am bidynamic; both an omega and a beta, also called a gamma or oeta.

for me, this means that im socially neutral (but leaning submissive), i exhibit protective and nurturing behaviours like an omega, and give a calming effect to people like a beta. my presentation though is fully omega: i am very timid, uncertain and introverted, though if im feeling confident enough i can come off as more casual/laid-back.

scent: my scent is vanilla, very sweet as is typical of omegas (funnily, i found that this scent is almost unbearable for most people, but i adore it).

i use vanilla body lotion and perfume for myself, and a soft vanilla air freshener for my den.

behaviours: i am misceavian, which means my behaviours are mostly based on birds (nesting, gift-giving, mating dances, all that stuff). my subvocals are both avian and draconic: purring, chirping, etc. i also experience heats but they are very mild, and are less frequent than for monodynamic omegas.

anyway, i think thats enough for today! wow i rambled a lot, didnt i? i hope you enjoyed reading this, and maybe even fell for my propaganda i mean, considered a misceanimalis identity for yourself! i found that the community is very nice and open-minded, and i think more alterhumans could benefit from joining it!

[jemainecletheories]

hello everyone!! here is our first jemaine clement theory!! this theory is by @urineedward however @lostinjune also contributed to it :3

this theory isn’t a REAL theory, though we might make some more serious theories later on. this is just kind of a silly theory.

again, this is a joke. mostly. no but seriously, it’s a joke, it’s just for sillies. for laughs. but i still like it and kind of wish it was true.

WEIRD AL AND JEMAINE CLEMENT LOVE AFFAIR

i haven’t done much research into it but as far as i know, jemaine clement and weird al have never collaborated. but, they both voice acted on the show milo murphy’s law, and i’m guessing they know each other from there.

but also, in flight of the conchords, in one of the scenes, bret is shown reading a magazine that has weird al on the cover. so maybe they know each other from that?

anyways, point is, they know each other. they also have talked on twitter! here’s where it gets gay.

jemaine posts this. i’m not sure what the context for it is, i couldn’t find what set he was talking about or even what he was talking about at all, but still, here it is.

not too gay, right? giving a friend a compliment? no homos here!

al responds! compliments jemaine too, nice and innocent, nothing gay. two parody music buds just complimenting each other.

oh! hm?

he didn’t capitalize the start of the sentence. the period at the end? he could’ve just said “would love to!” or even “would love to” but something about the period at the end. he might have well have typed “would love to~” like a goddamn fanfiction. that’s the way i read this. like a sly “mm… i would love to~”

LIKE WAS THAT REALLY NECESSARY. DID YOU HAVE TO TYPE IT LIKE THAT

now you might be like “you’re reading too into this that punctuation doesn’t mean anything” and maybe if it was just this you’d be right. but there’s more.

william here, a like-minded soul, saw this interaction and thought “woah that’s gay” and decided to be silly and say this. quite silly indeed. get it because they’re flirting with each other so they need to get a room so they can fuck lolz!! that’s the implication of the joke. and i felt the same.

jemaine, when he saw this, could’ve just looked at it weird and moved on with his life. just some guy on the internet trying to be silly. making a silly joke. but no. he responded.

he responded with this.

he didn’t ignore it, he didn’t say “we don’t need a room we’re not flirting” he didn’t even say “we are in our room” no. he had to use the period. he had to not capitalize the beginning of the sentence and proceed to put a period at the end.

he had to write it in the same way he wrote the other message, the message that seemed flirty when nothing sexual was even being implied. but now something sexual is being implied.

the phrase “get a room” as described in BOTH oxford languages and urban dictionary is about two people being overly affectionate in public, and that they should go get a room and do it in there. urban dictionary is a bit more crude about it but i think it has the most appropriate explanation for this situation

now, william said “get a room implying the meaning of the phrase. that jemaine and weird al are being affectionate and flirty and they may as well get a motel room and do it in there. and then jemaine had to go and say they already are in a motel room and doing it in there.

why did jemaine say they were already in their room. THEIR ROOM?? HE SAID “our room” YOU GUYS HAVE YOUR OWN ROOM??????!!!!!!! HE DIDNT SAY “we are in a room” HE SAID “we are in OUR room” HELLO????

essentially…

the implications of this are just insane. weird al and jemaine clement are in a gay love affair.

thing is though, weird al only said one thing. one not even very flirty thing. but jemaine had to go and make it sexual because of course he did

so i made this

this is just what the interaction reminded me of.

silly times!! jemaine clement and weird al are in a gay love affair!! but that’s just a theory… a jemaine theory…

anyways might post more about this. i’ve thought about writing fanfiction. maybe i will.

[scummy-writes]

I wish you would write a fic... that's a bit angsty, with a happy ending, tho! Something with Arthur/MC/Isaac. Maybe something where Arthur and Isaac are spending more time with each other than MC, and she is feeling left out. Since we usually see Isaac in the insecure role, I'd love to see him more confident.

Ohhh, it's been a while since I've written angst (i dont know why, in the recent years its been so hard to?).

I feel like Isaac would Panic once he realized she felt left out and he accidentally contributed to that. But afterwards he would probably be more forward (as much as Isaac can be, anyway) to try and make it clear like "Hey, I love you Just As Much" because I do hc that while Isaac will not be as confidence as Arthur (or maybe more accurately wear a better mask of confidence like Arthur), that those he loves helping him feel more secure with himself means he would display his affection more! So hm. Maybe an inward panic, talking about it with Arthur, and then Isaac basically hugging mc for as long as possible and giving reassurances. (Or the both of them). Thats probably the way I would go about it, on instinct.

It's not the same thing, but I did have some angst planned with Patchworked Pieces. Hm. Well, I'll put that bit under a cut.

In that story with my Oc, Isaac and Arthur had a Small Thing and then stopped talking abruptly because Arthur got cold feet realizing that Isaac did have feelings for him, and decided pretending he didnt see them was the best thing to do (because hes an idiot [affectionate]).

Real Arthur helped out in specific wars, and im too tired to dig up all my notes, but one war was going to happen for the first time in the timeline, but it would have been one Arthur already lived through once. So, I was originally going to write Arthur having a PTSD episode once that war started up for him, and it was going to bridge Isaac and Arthur's relationship together because...well, OC grows so concerned over him and knows him and arthur used to talk, and she gets him to help her check up on Arthur and try to help.

Not remotely the idea you suggested at all, but it made me think of it so I wanted to share!

[imustbenuts]

=x=... mmm not sure about a certain post about silent protags in jp media being written the way they are being hinged entirely on buddhism/taoism (it is in big part due to that, BUT)

another piece of the puzzle here is an evolution of literature and media surrounding video game narrative between the east and the west.

japanese literature:

in the 1900s, lots of japanese literature was told in 1st person pov, especially the big influential deeply philosophical ones. im talking I Am A Cat by Natsume Soseki, and No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai.

this deep philosophical "what is the self in relation to the environment" thing gets reflected a lot in those works, where they often break down the conditions of what defines a human and their life and how absurd it is. the idea of 1 person being multi faceted was often discussed in these works as well, but it seems to be coming from a butt fuck ton of social anxiety and depression. (especially mr Osamu Dazai.)

this resulted in more works and discussions surrounding the same topic because people very astutely noted that capitalism was making their life rough. and the whole post war reality thing. and then that led to a lot of other writers joining in and making major contributions to the whole.

lots of people were not mentally ok and that resonated deeply. so there was a lot of dialogue going on. at least between the writers.

bc in one of the example above, I Am A Cat had no real spoken dialogue from the main character, who is a cat. it's extremely introspective and cynical.

(and also im pretty sure 99% of modern light novels out there are written in 1st person too, though this comes later and is tangentially related. consider the avg appetite of the anime fan and how it might be related. The Melancholy Of Haruhi Suzumiya (debuted 2003). My Teenage Romantic Comedy SNAFU (debuted 2011). That Time I Got Reincarnated As A Slime (2013). etc etc are all written in 1st person.)

for the RPG side of writing:

in one hand, silent protags in both sides started out in early video game writing due to the lack of support for text. english and a lot of other related texts only needed to care for the alphabet and some characters, but japanese had to deal with kanji.

there is more than 50,000 (!!!) kanjis in existence on top of hiraganas and katakanas. theres just no way to fit all of that in a NES game cart. even if we go down to words commonly used, that's still a few thousand too many. so for a long time the trend was to write a silent protag and keep things simple, since complex story didnt start rocketing until more memory could be fit in. robust storytelling started happening around the SNES era, but by then people realized the way to write interesting worlds in games was to build interesting characters with the limitations they had. relational character writing, yes, but a lot of tricks were used to tell a story.

(and the reason why tricks were used, and why people pushed stories as hard as they did was bc in part, lots of people who had a hard time finding jobs with their art related passion ended up in the vg industry. japan's 1990s' economic collapse caused them to really dip into the aforementioned elements of the idea of humans trying to live in self made systems that seem hostile. it's why works like Fire Emblem and Xenogears and Final Fantasy went brrr)

anyway. the story in these games then can be summarized as character driven.

meanwhile a lot of western games ran into the same, but less limitations with far less characters needed to be shoved in the memory. yet, western RPGs seem interested in building a world around the protag, for the protag. as a result robust story telling was way more self-inserty than the japanese variety in the extreme case, like Wizardry, or really any sort of Dungeons & Dragons sandbox variety. Ultima and Runescape too. those were a thing. are STILL a thing.

so western games of the 1980s leaned towards more 'make your own story' kinda deal. so these are more player driven.

combined result:

whoever wants to try their hand at writing any works that hints at any philosophical stuff or ideas or even religion will then use those literature as a reference, and the result is.... Persona. Fire Emblem. Zelda. Final Fantasy. Guilty Gear.

but what im getting at here is that religion is not the sole reasoning for why 'self-inserts' in japanese video games are only hinged on differences in religion. there was a whole movement of literature going on.

all this to say why it's mostly Japan and not the rest of Asia following suit. (As an example, hong Kong films) there just wasn't the same literature dialogue happening on the same scale with the same accessibility, and the same post WW2 economic stuff

anyway i might have lost my line of thinking. im going to bed. @_@ night

[atbgauge]

writing this on my phone and so naturally i'm gonna ramble hope its coherent... anyways thoughts on wuwa yaaay

there are story spoilers for 1.0 so do not bother reading if you have not completed it yet

i wonder what the hell they were even thinking in regards to releasing wuwa the way it did this year. i remember when rumors about the may release date were coming around and i didnt believe them because i felt like that'd be too soon, and that they'd probably release june earliest but around september latest but look where we are now HRRKFJFKF

i knew to keep my expectations low especially after participating in the beta and idk i dont think they'd rewrite and then have to reprogram & rescript and reanimate according to the new writing. i am very disappointed they went with the mass appeal route rather than giving us uhmmm something good and new. i know someone out there is gonna say "well its a mobile gacha game" but idgaf thats not really an excuse to me and i still think you can make something worthwhile and still deliver an interesting message

i dont think i'm ever gonna get the same creativity that f7d had but it'd be nice if these gacha game developers tried like... also like even pgr was more creative and this kinda isnt the post for it but i liked the beginning chapters idgaf. anyways idk i just wish they kept the original gloomy atmosphere as they teased wuwa and maybe get rid of rover or like. idk just dont make them self inserts for us and just make them actual characters or something. i'd rather see yangyang as the main character like we see how capable and knowledgeable she is and then she gets thrown to the side. oh well idk because of its format and its shift towards mass appeal and following the trends of today... we got this kind of game instead

genuinely there are some really cool moments in terms of animation, environment/set design, technology, 3d modeling but idk it kinda ends up being a mess for me because of the really poorly written story

acts 1-4 are idgaf central except 3/4 i guess because thats when scar appears or whatever and then we confront him and then we get that grand reveal that we'll be facing jue soon. scar..... idk i think he is definitely interesting and the fractsidus thing is cool too but we only really get to know them on a surface level and how they want us to join their side to cause the end of the world basically and they want to be in control and they want to worship whatever lifeforms that come from bringing the lament but idk just seems. not that all interesting

5...... is our introduction to black shores with a brief fan service moment which was kinda weird as fuck and then the second half is the experiments the savantes were creating for the tacet rain (whatever the fuck thats called) and i kinda didnt care for it too much because it just reminded me of earlier acts and its just more background on the lore and the 3 million terms it throws at you

6........ okay i actually sorta kinda liked this one because we kinda just got right into it but it still felt off to me. the game does literally tell you that an outbreak is gonna happen but it kinda just happens too quickly for me? i guess we got that brief moment with aalto looking outside and the retroact rain was forming and then cut to jiyan and getting more lore on him and the history of huanglong (which is a nice set up for his character quest later) and then it jumps back to us helping out in jinzhou's defense lines and everybody is there so it Feels like we're all contributing to fighting off the tacet discords

and the. there's the one part where we create a battle plan basically and that just felt so unnecessary like. what is the point of making rover do that just let it be an animated scene where they all discuss this together?? also jiyan YOURE THE GENERAL so YOU can do that yourself and those irrelevant npcs like that was a waste of time and if you select the wrong choice anyways rover talks it out in his head why thats the wrong thing and expects you to choose the correct one so its all very stupid

i mention this to say.... there are some very unnecessary cuts like this throughout all acts. like the heron fight before getting into dreamless' domain has a fade to black just for jiyan to say a singular line like "ok lets move foward" basically then fade to black and then back to gameplay like... why could that not have been a simple voice over line like in other quests. and again for that battle plan thing was just very unnecessary just animate that shit out or whatever. the cutscenes in this game are actually surprisingly very nice and they cut into gameplay pretty well sometimes so i dont understand why they just... didnt do more of that. i dont know why theyre not considering the execution of these things and the intention as well

idk hopefully they do more creative things, they've done that with pgr and i know pgr was made with unity and wuwa is unreal but idk like... we couldnt have finetuned things more??? we cant take more time to create some cool set pieces for this game and have cool animated events and cool programming/scripting???

i also hope kuro addresses optimization and localization issues too. i am amazed they still managed to screw up this games launch in the same way they messed up pgr's launches in all its servers its kinda amazing really

anyways stopping here because its late and this is getting long heres to hoping 1.1 is good and thanks if you read this far HRFGJHDJF

[fish-plz]

im rewatching the walking dead and omg i love season 2 so much i know everyone hates it but im a sucker for themes and the whole what is right to do in this new world and how far youll go for family

i know alot of people dont like it because of lori and i believe she is normal rational women who is under so much fucking stress and is struggling with this world and this role that shes now been put in sorry not sorry and loris line about how the men always blame the women for making a decision or not making a decisions which is literally how those people treat her like its her fault for shane and rick fighting (not that shes faultless) but come on they are grown men and also the fight isnt about lori its about their ideological differences with how to best protect the group and such and such

alot of people dont like this season cause of the low budget and thats hard to argue like they dont really go anywhere and they are just on the farm the whole time but i just find the interpersonal conflicts so delightful and the farm has such lovely cosy vibe which is maybe why people dont like it but it definitely contributes to season 2 being like my comfort season (or just making walking dead comfort show at all i mean its season 1 aswell also it being comforting is so absurd to me cause i watched it to put me out of my comfort zone lol) maybe im just used to watching low budget tv

and thirdly and finally people dont like it cause shane was right and they made him the bad guy and killed him off i mean it certainly would of been so interesting to see what shane does in the later seasons but thats only because we didnt get it and alot of people argue that shanes right because hes doing things similar to rick in later seasons but rick in later seasons isnt right i mean slaughtering all the saviours in cold blood is what causes negan to go all eenie meenie minie mo and it shows that being that super aggressive protect your own kind of surviving that shane totes and rick in later seasons causes them to get revenge ultimately ending in more deaths also this is just a personal character gripe hes just an asshole and i dont like him but hes a good character well written character and i think your meant to not like him but the thing is when ur write a good manipulative character part of the audience might sort of believe him and i think thats where shane goes wrong, but not really cause it is very good i just wish people understood also i feel like people have alot of sympathy for later rick cause youve been with him the whole time and you have these preconceived notions that hes a good guy even when he does these bad things and then you think about shane and your like hes just who rick becomes he was smarter he was ahead of the curve and idk maybe thats a failing but also they didnt know as much about the world they are living in in season 2 and thats why shane comes off so bad compared to rick he jumps straight to the nuclear option.

anyway if there’s any other reasons people dont like season 2 do let me know cause im so interested cause i love it.

[bananonbinary]

Time for a Salty Meta Post about Martin!

people who’ve followed this blog for a bit know that spending six hours combing through text for some goddamn sources is my specialty, so i compiled every time jon ever talked about martin’s work in season 1. which for the record, he stopped complaining about all the way back in episode 26, where he was angry that martin of all people got hurt.

things jon gets mad at martin for:

not being able to find records that don’t exist

not being able to find someone based only on a first name

the Dog

not wearing trousers in his off-hours

being the one that got caught up in the jane prentiss thing

mag 004 and mag 012 both have jon taking potshots at martin over research that was proven accurate by outside sources

things jon has never once complained about:

martin not understanding the filing system and just putting stuff away at random

martin being clumsy, constantly ruining things, spilling tea everywhere everyday, etc

martin turning in incompetent, poorly-edited, or badly formatted reports

martin not understanding the terminology used, skills expected, etc., and generally being extremely new to the field

please for the love of god stop making martin the silly bumbling idiot who can’t do anything right just because he doesn’t have a formal education. there’s zero evidence for it in the text, and it’s really weird to act like a 4 year degree would outweigh the *10 years* of job experience he has, not just in academia, but in the institute itself by season one. my boy has worked there longer than ANY of the rest of the main cast. screw you guys.

tl;dr: martin is never once shown to be bad at his job, jon pretty much only ever gets mad at him for the really stupid first impression and also not finding stuff that no one else was able to find either. after martin got hurt, jon talks about his research basically the same way he talks about tim’s or sasha’s work.

fucking proof under the cut:

(i didnt include the s1 finale or martin’s statement bc that’s just...two entire episodes of them talking to each other, but there isn’t really any notable Martin Complaints in either of them imo)

I swear, if he’s brought another dog in here, I’m going to peel him.

[pre-launch trailer]

.

Well, technically three, but I don’t count Martin as he’s unlikely to contribute anything but delays.

[...] Alongside this Tim, Sasha and, yes, I suppose, Martin will be doing some supplementary investigation to see what details may be missing from what we have.

[MAG001 Anglerfish]

.

Martin couldn’t find any records of Ex Altiora as a title in existent catalogues of esoteric or similar literature, so I assigned Sasha to double-check. Still nothing.

[MAG004 Pageturner]

.

I had Martin conduct a follow-up interview with Mr. Woodward last week, but it was unenlightening. Apparently there have been no further bags at number 93 and in the intervening years he has largely discounted many of the stranger aspects of his experience. I wasn’t expecting much, as time generally makes people inclined to forget what they would rather not believe, but at least it got Martin out of the Institute for an afternoon, which is always a welcome relief.

[MAG005 Thrown Away]

.

Martin was unable to find the exact date the original house was built but the earliest records he could find list it as being bought by Walter Fielding in 1891.

[...]

We cannot prove any connection, but Martin unearthed a report on an Agnes Montague, who was found dead in her Sheffield flat on the evening of November 23rd 2006, the same day Mr. Lensik claims to have uprooted the tree.

[MAG008 Burned Out]

.

According to Martin, who was here when they took this statement, it was at this point in writing that Mr. Herbert announced he needed some sleep before continuing. He was shown to the break room where he went to sleep on the couch. He did not awaken; unfortunately succumbing to the lung cancer right there. Martin says the staff had been aware of how serious Mr. Herbert’s condition was, and had advised him to seek medical aid prior to giving his statement, but were told rather bluntly by the old man that he would not wait another second to state his case. I can’t decide whether this lends more or less credibility to his tale.

[MAG010 Vampire Killer]

.

“Veepalach” might also be a mishearing of the Polish word “wypalać”, according to Martin, which means to cauterize or brand. Admittedly, if Martin speaks Polish in the same way he “speaks Latin,” then he might be talking nonsense again, but I’ve looked it up and it appears to check out.

[MAG012 First Aid]

.

I sent Martin to look into this ‘Angela’ character - not that I want him to get chopped up, of course, but someone had to. Apparently, he spent three days looking into every woman named Angela in Bexley over the age of 50. He could not find anyone that matches the admittedly vague description given here, though he informs me that he had some very pleasant chats about jigsaws. Useless ass.

[MAG014 Piecemeal]

.

Martin declined to help with this investigation as he’s “a bit claustrophobic”

[MAG015 Lost John’s Cave]

.

There simply aren’t enough details given in this statement to actually investigate, short of Martin confirming that Mr. Vittery did indeed live at the addresses he provided.

[MAG016 Arachnophobia]

.

Oh, he’s off sick this week. Stomach problems, I think.

Blessed relief if you ask me.

[...]

I asked Martin to try and hunt down Mr. Adekoya himself for a follow-up, but have been informed that he passed away in 2006. 

[MAG017 The Boneturner’s Tale]

.

MARTIN

Well, I need to tell someone what happened, and you can vouch for the soundness of my mind, can’t you?

ARCHIVIST

…

That is beside the point.

[MAG022 Colony]

.

Martin! Good lord man, if you’re going to be staying in the Archives, at least have the decency to put some trousers on!

[MAG023 Schwartzwald]

.

Martin found one other thing while combing through police reports for the Hither Green area. About a month after this statement was given, on May 15th, 2015, police were called out to once again investigate the chapel.

[MAG025 Growing Dark]

.

I know, but it would have to have been Martin, wouldn’t it? I mean, anything goes wrong around here, it always seems to happen to him. Anyway, we’re getting off topic. Why didn’t you report this?

[MAG026 A Distortion]

.

Martin made contact with the son, Marcus McKenzie, but he declined to talk to us, saying that he’d “already made his statement.”

[MAG027 A Sturdy Lock]

.

Tim and Martin had a bit more luck investigating Tom Haan, though only really enough to confirm that he seems to have completely vanished following his departure from Aver Meats on the 12th of July.

[MAG030 Killing Floor]

.

Martin’s research would seem to indicate the place employed a reasonable number of international staff they preferred to keep off the books

[...]

TIM

Ah well, that’s actually what he was asking, huh! Um, apparently Martin, uh, took delivery of a couple of items last week addressed to you. Did he not mention it?

ARCHIVIST

No, he… Oh, yes, actually. I completely forgot. He said he put it in my desk drawer, hold on.

[MAG036 Taken Ill]

[drdemonprince]

I remember when my first book went to auction, it was an incredibly exciting day. I had been working on the proposal with my agent for months, rounds upon rounds of revisions, buffing it into absolute perfection. We sent it off. Within a few days six different editors were interested. I had hourlong phone interviews with the editorial teams of each publishing house. They all gave me a high pressure grilling on my ideas for the book, my writing approach, my plans for marketing upon publication. One editor asked me to list which books I imagined my own sitting among, if I could curate the exact right bookshelf.

The interviews went well. Four publishers announced their intention to make a bid on the day of the auction. I sat in a coffee shop buzzing with excitement as my agent received all the calls. Eventually she called me up and gave me the full rundown of the offers that had come my way. The advance amounts, the potential bonuses, the terms of the agreements. I jotted down notes excitedly with her, and texted my boyfriend, my sister, and my mom.

My mom and sister got right back to me. They were so excited. I texted back and forth with them about the offers that had been made. There was a clear best choice but I discussed it with them anyway. Every editor and publisher has their strengths, their pitfalls, their wheelhouse and style. I told them what my decision was. They hyped me up in the family group chat. I called up my agent and gave her the final word. It was official. I was going to be an author.

I walked home and called my mom up and gave her the full rundown. Explained to her how the process would work. I was so delighted. It had been a while and my boyfriend had not texted me back yet. I walked home hoping to find him, hoping he had been napping or something, hoping when he woke he would be so happy and proud for me too.

He wasnt home. My heart sunk. I sat by the window refreshing my phone. I wanted to text something else to him but what more was there to say? I'd already told him the big exciting news and had gotten no reaction. Of course he could be busy or tied up with something. But the time wore on and nothing happened and I just stood, stood at the window, staring ten stories down at the parking lot beneath me and my mood and my thoughts both became very dark.

After a good while had passed, I called him up on the verge of sobbing. He answered after a few rings. He had seen my message. He hadnt replied. His voice was flat and neutral. He was not excited for me. I asked if we could go out later that afternoon to celebrate.

It was the kind of thing I'd hoped he would suggest organically on his own. I'd been a writer the entire time that he'd known me. Becoming an author was a tremendous event. But he was not excited. I don't know if it was jealousy because he was also an artist, or if it was something else. My transition, our growing physical distance. The many dead-end conversations we'd had about him not contributing to our bills significantly, and how me having this new financial windfall made him feel. The grinding anhedonic depression he'd always had. I don't know. It doesn't matter. What matters is I needed him to be happy for me and he was not, he gave no reaction, and for an hour I stood by the window willing him to give a shit about me and staring down at the long distance to the pavement.

He agreed to go out to celebrate with me. I told him the usual place that we went for our birthdays. A place we both loved. He asked me what time. I suggested a few options, feeling like I was putting him out. He agreed to an early time, maybe four or five pm. I hung up the phone. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

We ate dinner. I got a cocktail. He didn't want one. Everything felt empty and pathetic. I was pantomiming happiness and chatted all about the deal but he didnt really ask questions and his mood never lifted much. And then we were done. And I think he had somewhere to be after that. Some meeting or rehearsal. So then he was gone and I was back home alone with my thoughts.

There is nothing I can be afraid of in my relationships to others that has not already happened to me. I spent years waiting around for someone to find love for me again long after it had extinguished. Waiting for it and longing for it and imagining it filled me with incredible anguish. And now that waiting is done, forever. I am a sensitive person who needs a lot of affection and attention and fears rejection and abandonment, and I have been through objectively worse things, but damn, did that one hurt me and take me to some really bleak mental places. nothing i did, nothing i achieved, nothing i asked for or waiting for or advocated for or became or improved in myself was ever enough. it never filled the void and it never made me find love.  I came through it. I survived. And eventually I learned nobody needs to be with a person like that. Being with someone who makes you feel like that never made anyones life better. and chasing after something that’s not there is only going to make you feel worse. 

[thetriggeredhappy]

recently rediscovered your blog and read the fic from your dad spy au where scout starts out as the "guard" and then becomes scout from there and lemme tell you that shit put me on some s-tier brainrot. like a cranial decay type beat.

i had a concept in my head that instead of being hired as a guard, he could have been hired as a right hand man to the administrator like pauling, because i think hed be awesome in that position. like imagine having a personal merc who can get in fast and out even faster. but maybe he would stay in the base like the rest of them, sort of like a secret on call intel gatherer, who also maybe sometimes has to dig a couple graves. and also like, nobody on the team expects anything from him at first because its this 20 year old newbie kid. hes dressed in his formal clothes and he talks like somebody from relatively around boston but not quite. i can just imagine one day he comes back during a team dinner with his shirt half untucked and stained with blood, hair disheveled as he asks soldier if he can borrow his shovel, or him debriefing them for a mission when miss pauling is busy. same vibe as the fic i mentioned before but scout gets to have a job as cool as miss paulings. honestly id write it myself if i didnt have the attention span of a fly

anyways your scout content gives me life thank you

scout teamfortress but 20% more competent standing next to miss pauling teamfortress while she's doing her job and doing like silly quips and otherwise contributing nothing like it's a buddy cop film is literally my fucking ideal

(warnings for some canon-typical violence)

-

“Oh, Pauling, it’s good to see you again,” greeted the chairman, smiling in an imitation of a grandfather and clasping her hands perhaps too-kindly considering she barely knew him. “Young as ever, and still so stylish, I see. And who’s the new fellow?”

“He’s just here to help with transport, Mr. Montgomery, nothing unusual,” Miss Pauling replied, returning his smile and adjusting her glasses. “Heavy cases, you know how it is.”

“Of course, I remember you almost toppling clean over last time we made a trade!” Montgomery agreed, frowning at the memory. “You’ll pull a muscle that way, better to be careful. It’s a pleasure to meet you, young man. And your name?”

“Mr. Normandy, sir,” the new kid replied easily enough despite his slight East Coast accent, giving the man a firm handshake, expression neutral and stony, the picture of professionalism. Internally, Pauling breathed a sigh of relief.

“Firm grip there, young man,” Montgomery praised, nodding approvingly. “Tennis player, perhaps? Or golf?”

“Baseball, sir,” he replied, still evenly. “First baseman.”

“Ah! Of course! Were you any good?” Montgomery joked.

“At everything but playing in front of the crowds, otherwise I’d be in the major leagues,” he replied, tilting his head just slightly to imply that he was joking, his sunglasses glinting at the movement, and Montgomery barked a laugh.

“I like this one, Miss Pauling!” Montgomery said, and Pauling just barely caught herself from physically relaxing at it.

“We do too, Mr. Montgomery,” she agreed. “I was under the impression that you’re very busy today, so we won’t keep you for too long, we just wanted to sort out the final details surrounding the manufacturing rights for the—“

“—Pacific Northwest branch, up into British Columbia and Alberta, of course,” Montgomery agreed, nodding faintly. “Of course, of course.” He turned to regard his own man in a dark suit, the one standing to the right, who appeared to be unsuccessfully trying to stare down Normandy, who was completely ignoring him. “My briefcase, please.”

The man handed over the briefcase, and Montgomery put it on his desk, opening it and pulling out a sheaf of papers. “All our requests are submitted and approved, at this point we just had a few dustbins to take care of regarding initial percentages and making sure everything is wired to the correct accounts, which names are undisclosed, things like that,” Pauling explained as he glanced through the papers.

“Right, right, everything looks good here,” the man murmured, nodding to himself, sending his long-white hair just ever-so-slightly out of place. “I’m assuming these more sensitive documents should be sent some way besides through the mail?”

“If you finish them today I can take them with me, otherwise either me or Mr. Normandy can return to pick them up at your convenience,” she replied, to which Normandy gave a singular nod.

“Oh, it would only take me a short while,” Montgomery said, waving a hand. “We have a lovely lounge just down the hall from here if you’d prefer to wait there, it should only take me ten, fifteen minutes at most. In the meantime, I do believe there’s also the manner of payment for services rendered.”

Miss Pauling tilted her head just slightly to one side, confused.

“I arranged with Helen already,” Montgomery explained, not looking up from where he was initialing a few things. “The payment, rather than being wired, she asked to be made in material investment. A venture of mine from years ago that she’s willing to sit on. Rather than gold or bonds, she agreed to take some old currency of mine that my family collected, from early 18th century New Zealand and Australia. Monetarily it’s worth around the same, and I’m quite a bit attached to it to be entirely frank, but it was at her request to buy the whole collection from me, and after years of the work we’ve been doing together, well, I’d never trust it with anyone else.”

He gestured to the other man, the one on his left, who stepped forward to hand him a manila envelope, which he passed to Pauling.

“Inside is both keys, the door alarm codes, and all other security information for the building where the collection is being stored. They’ll ask for a few codes and confirmation of identity, only because several other art collections and artifacts are being stored there by other affluent individuals such as myself.”

“Thank you, Mr. Montgomery,” Pauling said, taking the envelope gratefully.

“Think nothing of it, my dear. Helen talked me into it all her own,” he said easily enough. “Now, gentlemen, if you would let Miss Pauling and Mr. Normandy into our lounge? I should have these wrapped up before any of us can even think about lunch, eh?”

One of the suits showed the two of them through the doors and down the hallway, through two doors bracketed by similar suits who simply nodded politely at Pauling and ticked their chins at Normandy as they passed them.

Normandy posted up beside the door for all of three seconds before they shut and Pauling pulled her glasses up, rubbing at the bridge of her nose and making a vaguely distressed noise. He then promptly relaxed, instead leaning his hip against an armchair probably worth the same amount as a small car. “So, uh, we’re glad that he’s giving us a bunch of commemorative coins from when dinosaurs still walked the earth?” he asked just below normal speaking volume, eyebrows raised.

“Yes. Very glad. Because unlike about six people total on the planet, he hasn’t figured out yet how valuable those are.”

“What, is a picture of a kangaroo on some copper really gonna make up for a couple hundred thousand American dollars?” Normandy asked, sounding doubtful.

“Not copper. Something else,” she replied. “I can’t tell you much more about it other than that, but these coins are made of something priceless to us. And to the Administrator.”

“…Love? Memories? The magic of family?” he joked, cracking a smile, and she rolled her eyes, moving to open the envelope and start reading the papers inside. “Hey, uh, not to question whether my job should exist, but what the hell am I doing here, exactly? Besides carrying a briefcase. Like, chivalry isn’t dead but I really don’t think you need me carrying your bags and holding the door for you.”

“You’re helping with security, basically,” she replied, adjusting her glasses to squint at tiny handwriting about the collection. “Mr. Montgomery is trustworthy, but he mostly hires out to… well, people like us. His security detail is mostly people we’d rather have screened, freelancers, stuff like that. A lot of people we contract out to are like that. Most of them have heard about me and know better than to try and pull something, since I can hold my own pretty well, but if they haven’t, seeing a second person might persuade them to think it over again.”

“Oh, so I’m like, uh, when it says ‘tow zone’ next to the no parking signs even though nobody checks, or when they’ve got a camera in the corner of the store that isn’t even plugged into anything,” he said, and the looked up at him, confused. “Like, uh, what’s the word… I’m a casual deterrent.”

“Sure,” she said, because it sounded like he knew what he was talking about, shuffling the papers back away and closing the envelope again, making a note to ask the Administrator if she should change their current containment procedures to be closer to Mr. Montgomery’s. “Just… if there’s a fight, you deal with it, otherwise you just stand there and look like you’re paying attention.”

“That’s what the sunglasses are for,” he agreed. “I was blinking morse code at the guy across from me literally the whole time.”

“You know morse code?” Pauling asked, surprised.

“Just the alphabet, ‘S.O.S.’, and ‘ass’.”

She rolled her eyes again, and that’s when the door opened.

She expected Mr. Montgomery, not one of the men in suits. “Excuse me, both of you, if you don’t mind,”the man said, accent having the slightest English tilt to it, a Londoner if Pauling had to guess. “You’re Miss Pauling, the Mann Co. affiliate, yes?”

“That’s me,” she agreed, hesitant, and glanced at Normandy.

“I’m afraid there’s been a mistake. Mr. Montgomery have you the wrong envelope on accident,” the man said apologetically, extending a hand forward. “We apologize for this unfortunate mix-up, it’s really quite embarrassing, but those documents are sensitive and we’ll be needing to see them back now.”

Pauling looked at him, and within a moment, shifted her expression. “Oh, I’m so sorry!” she agreed, nodding. “No, right, of course. These aren’t the papers for the currency collection?”

“I’m afraid not,” the Brit agreed, head tilting just slightly, hand still extended, moving a fraction further forward.

“Well, thank goodness we figured out now and not with us halfway back,” she joked, and moved to hold the folder closer to her body. “I’ll take this right back to Mr. Montgomery, then.”

“He’s sent me to correct the error,” the man explained simply.

“Right,” she said, and saw in her periphery that Normandy had already started sneaking a hand in towards his primary, clearly having pieced together something she was only suspecting. “We can bring this to his office, then, right down the hall.”

“You misunderstand,” the man said, taking a step forward again. “I’ll be taking it to his office myself.”

“That’s funny,” Pauling said. “I didn’t realize you had clearance to be in there. Or to be carrying a semi-automatic instead of a standard handgun.”

The Brit reached for the semi-automatic, and before he could even get it out properly, Normandy hit one clean shot to the side of his head and another to his thigh, sending him crumpling to the ground.

Pauling had only as far as pulling her own handgun free, thumb on the safety, and breathed a sigh of relief, glancing over at Normandy, shifting to more comfortably hold her gun. “Quick reflexes,” she noted.

“Just noticed a lot sooner, maybe,” he shrugged, stepping forward to glance over the body, tucking his gun back away.

“What was your hint?”

“He’s here to give us the right folder, yeah? Well, why were his hands empty, then?”

She was just starting to nod and realize that as well when a second man shouldered through the door, holding a gun at the ready. Normandy scrambled to draw his own, but Pauling fired a shot into his knee, shoulder, and neck to send him dropping before he was even close. “There’s quick on the draw, and then there’s prepared,” she said pointedly. “Gotta think of if there’s more than one, new guy.”

He nodded, and drew his gun again, bending to hit the guy on the ground at the temple hard enough to knock him out if he wasn’t unconscious already. He then glanced up at the sound of a shout from the other side of the door, two men shouldering through, guns drawn but lowered. It was only the firm eye contact they made with both her and Normandy that made her pause the millisecond it took to realize these ones weren’t trying to kill them.

“Pauling, what on earth is going on here?!” Montgomery demanded, entering the room and staring with wide eyes at the bodies on the ground. “What could’ve possessed you to—“

“He was trying to run off with these documents,” she explained quickly, gesturing with the envelope. “He knew whatever was in here was valuable.”

“He drew his gun, sir,” Normandy added, tipping his head down towards the body, and Pauling glanced down as well and found herself a little surprised. He’d rearranged the man just slightly, apparently, adjusting the arm to be holding the gun a bit further outward. “Other one was aiming to kill.”

“My, my,” Montgomery tsk’d, shaking his head as he surveyed the scene. “What a mess. My apologies, Miss Pauling, Mr. Normandy.”

“It’s alright, but you need to start doing more thorough checks on your staff, Mr. Montgomery,” Pauling stressed.

“He’s only been here two weeks, sir, he was one of the men we hired in a hurry after the incident last month,” one of the bodyguards said, and Montgomery shook his head.

“Thank goodness nobody was hurt,” he sighed. “Mutiny, and besides that, they’re bleeding on my carpet. Here are those papers, Miss Pauling—what a day, eh?”

“It’s really alright, we handled it,” Pauling assured him, giving her bravest smile, a little exasperated now.

“Right, right, you and the first baseman,” he agreed, and Normandy fought back an actual smile.

“If you’d like, we can take care of those for you,” Pauling said, gesturing at the bodies. “To pay you back for the carpet and the scare.”

“Sounds fair to me,” Montgomery agreed, clearly relieved.

-

“My dad’s gonna be pissed, by the way,” Normandy was so helpful as to say on the way back up the path to the base. “And you’re fielding that.”

“About the suit, or the fight?” she asked, glancing at his clothes where he was somewhat covered in a fine dusting of mud and grime from the gravedigging, shovel still in his free hand.

“Both. Mostly the fight. Your fault for saying it’d be an easy one to start with,” he said.

“If it was going to be that much of a problem, you wouldn’t have gotten this job. I’d just have made you go do dishes all day or something,” Pauling replied.

“Point taken,” he said, walking ahead to get the door, holding it open for her. “Wait, we’re allowed to mention what we do, right? Just not names?”

“Or locations, even with travel distance. Round up to the hour if it comes up,” she replied.

“Sure, sure,” he agreed, trailing a step behind her as she led the way through the base.

In the common area, there was a bit of a ruckus happening. Soldier, Heavy, and Demo appeared to be having some kind of arm wrestling competition on a rapidly-toppling table, the Engineer was on a stepstool trying to fix the ceiling fan, and Sniper appeared to be half-watching the beginnings of an argument between Pyro and the Spy regarding use of the oven as Medic patched up a burn on his arm.

“Hullo,” Sniper greeted the two of them, sounding a little bored, Medic giving them a brief, polite nod. Normandy’s eyebrows were raised pretty far as he surveyed the room.

“Hi, Sniper,” she greeted in return, then cleared her throat, raised her voice. “Team meeting in five minutes! New mission for next week!”

Groans from the room at large, the eight mercenaries starting to finish up what they were doing and filing out. Spy moved over, glancing over Normandy and starting to talk to him in rapid-fire French, picking smaller bits of gravel off of his suit as they walked.

“Alright,” she addressed the room, Normandy peeling off from getting mother hen’d by Spy to stand next to the blackboard with her. “Monday, you’re all going on a transport mission. Getting the truck from point A to point B with everything in the boxes intact. Already we’ve had to put up with some people trying to get ahold of these things, so bring your guns.”

“Oh, our guns, you said? Lads, this is a serious one, keep your heads on a feckin' swivel, she’s sayin’ we might even need guns, can you believe it?” Demo faux-gasped, and chuckled when Spy bopped him on the arm, rolling his eyes at the Scot's theatrics.

“Yeah, yeah,” she waved off, flipping through the papers a bit. “So Engie, I’ll need the keys to the truck, me and Normandy are going to be loading those tomorrow, all of you need to be at this drop point bright and early.”

“How early?” Heavy rumbled.

“Six. Hour and a half of drive from here.”

Some complaints from the room that she sighed at.

“Hey, hey, calm the hell down,” Normandy cut in, and she glanced over at him where he had his arms crossed and a stern look on his face. “You chuckleheads get to have all eight of you to unload the damn thing, me and Miss P gotta do all the rest of this on our own and probably kill twenty guys on the way there and back. She had to be up at 6 AM, workin’ since 7 AM, lunch break at noon and nothin’ else, and we just got back now at, what, fuckin’, 10, 11 PM? Any of you work her shift and then see if you even got the energy to complain about wakin’ up early, how about that?”

The room went utterly devoid of complaint or backsass. “Thank you, Normandy,” she said politely, and he just nodded once, glancing off to the side. “Anyways, anything new on this end? Spy, how are you adjusting?”

“Very well,” he said simply. “I have nothing pressing to say. Once I’ve been updated from the stock weaponry provided here to my requested preferred weaponry, I believe I should do just fine.”

“I see you already have Herr Normandy digging graves,” Medic chimed in. “Straight into the hard labor, ja?”

“Eh, hey, y’know, it’s why they keep us young people around,” he shrugged, grinning, and there was a brief uproar to drown out Medic’s entirely offended scoffing and Spy’s snort-laughing.

“Get ‘im, lad!” Demo cheered, and Normandy indeed looked fairly proud of himself.

“Monday, transport mission,” Pauling noted over the noise, writing it up on the chalkboard to hide her own smile from the room. “Normandy, you and me are doing the boxes tomorrow. Everyone on the same page? Good. Dismissed. Oh, and Pyro—stop taking the fire alarms down when they beep. They’re beeping because you light things on fire in the base. Do that outside.”

“Oh, hey, uh, helmet guy, All-American Beef,” Normandy called, and Soldier straightened up. “Here’s your shovel back. Gettin’ my own tomorrow.”


Soldier walked directly over to him, clasping a hand on his shoulder. “That’s a high honor, Cadet,” he said, tone grave. “Do not take this responsibility lightly.”

“I, uh, I won’t?” he said hesitantly, and blinked a few times as the shovel was carefully taken from him before it was promptly marched from the room in double-time. Only then did Normandy look over at her. “So he’s always like that?”

“You’ll get used to it,” she assured, dusting chalk from her hands. “You should get to sleep soon, we have to be up early.”

“Sure thing, Miss P.”

[wickedpact]

You can't just drop that "I read Forces Multiplied" bomb on us and not give a ten page written reaction.

[cracks knuckles] if u insist

nicky cant drive hc: destroyed. rip. also i loved how andy and nile stole those sports cars and were being badass and driving off the bridge & meanwhile joe and nicky were just absolutely vibing in the van

'heres the thing about power: people who have it think they deserve it' [shot of police car] i see u greg

5 whole panels being dedicated to booker not being able to unlock his door. booker not even seeing noriko sitting RIGHT THERE in the window at first. incredible

noriko being 24/7 horny was surprising. like wow all of the stuff i saw she did out of context was 100% equally horny in context as it was out of context. love that for her

i didnt think the 'andy + slavery' thing was handled as badly as everyone made it out to be when telling me about it. tho from the way it was talked about i had kind of figured the conflict between andy and nile re: slavery would be really racially charged (esp considering nile is a black american and would obvs have Thoughts on the subject in that regard) but like,, done in a cringey 'a-white-guy-obviously-wrote-it' kind of way? but it wasnt that. i mean. it makes sense that andy would be implicit in slavery through the years

i mean, like she says, is that not what people just did to each other in the aftermath of battles for thousands of years? and i really like how its pointed out that it was what she was raised with (in the beginning when you see her put shackles on that guy after the battle) but she also accepts responsibility for it and acknowledges that it was wrong and not just 'what people did'.

i like how from her expressions you can kind of tell baby andy knew it was off but she sets those feelings aside bc she felt angry. it explains how she felt but didnt make her out to be blameless in it. plus i mean. i dont know, the fact that andy was involved in a lot of morally shady stuff for 7000 years is not that wild for me. if you live that long youre just Going to be involved in some shit, and she didnt even have other immortals with her as positive community influences, she literally just did whatever the fuck she wanted for thousands of years

'i was worshipped as a god once' i mean, yeah no shit she wouldve been involved in some seriously fucked up stuff, gods were fucking scary back in the day

tldr it could use some polish but it wasnt that bad

tho everything people said about moose being boring was unfortunately a little true. sorry king i tried to be interested in you

joe and nicky writing verbal fanfiction about nile and moose was iconic. 'you seeing that?' 'i am definitely seeing that'

it was also extremely funny bc that was like 60% of their contribution to the whole comic, besides kidnapping copley. they came, they wrote some fanfic, they left. kings. at least in tog1 they had an excuse to be useless bc they got kidnapped

joe just found out his old friend who he thought was dead is alive (and also probably wants to murder them) and instead of investigating with andy he stopped to help nile up. champ.

nicky shooting noriko through andy was cool. rip to the concept since it wont happen in tog2

wanna see mr ejiofor deliver this line

on that note imo copley was. weirdly enough, more interesting in fm than in tog1. to me at least. the fact that andy let him live and he was so haunted by what had happened that he came back and sought them out despite knowing they would likely kill him for it bc he wanted to not only make up for what hed done but also to tell them what theyd done for the world was admittedly more interesting than andy just kind of drafting him to the cause and him going 'okie'

i like how nicky was drawn in this one. in opening fire he looks like a blob man but in fm he looks more like a very nice grampa with a very good dye job

'theres no pain like a broken heart' andy 🥺

noriko implying andy's never drowned. .. .idk about that one, she musta drowned sometime

joe and nicky came, they waxed poetic about nile's love life, they waxed poetic about grog, and then they left.

sports bras being a reason humanity is good. i mean..... okay, yeah.

i mean. wild but you cant exactly tell her shes wrong

i liked how noriko telling andy that their purpose is to make people suffer coincides with joe and nicky finding out that they actually did good all those years

joenicky in opening fire: jail for booker jail for booker for 100 years

joenicky when copley tells them he knows where booker is: WE'LL KILL YOU WHERE IS HE

joenicky when copley comes back: if your vibes come off as even remotely rancid we Will destroy you

joenicky 2 minutes later when copley helped them find booker: he made up some ground :)))) <3 lov you j cops

theyre forgiving af

moose: how old are you?? a hundred??? a thousand???

nile [vine voice]: I M 2 7 ?

alright andy you got me there

joe texts like my aunt

i dont know why noriko drowning andy in that car tickled me. Bad And Naughty Andromaches Get Put In The Pear Wiggler To Atone For Their Crimes.

the drowning sequence was cool

copley trying to talk to andy while she was like o_o at him was great

ive hit the picture limit but id seen that panel where nicky goes 'forgive me' as he kills a guy out of context and it was HILARIOUSLY anticlimactic for me to discover that there was literally no context to it. nicky just apologizes to random people he kills. i thought that guy was someone he knew or something. nope its just Some Guy that nicky didnt know from adam

nile's complaint that andy was especially brutal to the guys on the boat... i mean. . , how exactly does one kill a man with an axe and not be brutal about it?

it was funny how noriko kissed andy and the only people who seemed surprised by that were nile and also andy

nicky and joe's complete non-reaction to finding out noriko is alive And Evil Now is endlesly funny. they just left her on that boat and neither cared. i get book and nile not caring but joe and nicky knew her, and they just have 0 input on the subject of what to do with her

pinstripe suit guy!

joe and nicky and booker packing up and leaving with nile

andy blowing up at nile was A Moment tho

i dont know, i get why people didnt like the ending but its. .. . it makes more sense in the comicverse. bc the squad doesnt really. .. interact outside of jobs? i mean, think of the moon landing story in ttt. that was booker and joe and nicky doing a job and andy only showed up a for a couple minutes after it was done. or the brunch in the first issue of opening fire. the squad arent as tight in the comic, and andy often seems to do her own thing outside of work, so andy saying 'i dont want to do work anymore' and the squad being like 'alright bye then' makes more sense in this universe than the movie one

also i feel like greg was Trying to set up a thing where nile becomes the Leader of The Squad after andy dies but like. its not very well done since. . . i mean, nile hasnt spoken to booker since opening fire, (and she only knew him A Day). and shes known joe and nicky all that time, but there isnt really anything that indicates that they have any relationship at all, much less one that's grown. in all the comicverse the only time nile and nicky speak is in FM, and in that scene nicky tells nile about noriko. nile goes from someone who needs to be set aside to have background knowledge explained to her to being the Leader of the group with nothing in between. it kind of... comes out of nowhere.

on the other hand tho... i felt really bad for andy thru the whole thing. well, i always felt bad for andy, but in this one she seemed so miserable, especially since it really felt like none of the others actually.... cared about her. when noriko came back no one asked andy how she was doing (big question ik, but it wouldve showed they cared at least), nobody ever expressed any concern for her, no one even really seemed to want to be around her. in opening fire everyone was more distant than in the movie of course, but there were little moments where she would joke with joe, or nicky would try and comfort her, or stuff like that, but in FM it really felt like they just didnt really care about her. & in opening fire it felt a lot like andy's relationship with nile breathed some new life into her, but in FM it felt like all they did was argue. i get theyre not *as* close in the comics but it really felt like the only person who cared about andy at all was noriko (which was probably also how andy felt) but it just seemed to come out of nowhere. honestly i was reading and i was honestly agreeing with andy that she might just be better off if she did just die. opening fire, on the other hand, never make me feel that way

tho everyone made it sound like when the squad split up it was one of those cursed 'the found family leaves each other at the end of the journey' tropes. but guys i mean,,, this is the second installment out of three. that isnt the End. theyll come back in the third one and Dramatically Reunite to fight some baddies (probably those 'others' noriko mentioned). im guessing yitzhak fits into that too somehow.

anyways it wasnt That Bad but it made me kind of sad and the only Sweet Found Family vibes in it were when they saved booker. also they shouldve beefed up that nilemoose romance, it underwhelmed me. 6.5/10

i also ABSOLUTELY understand all of greg's comments about how you couldnt make FM directly into a movie, he always said that it had no plot and. i get it now. it really didnt have a plot sdfghjkl

[nastyburger]

What do you think ruined Danny Phantom and the Fairly Odd Parents?

butch obviously. okay but in a more serious, in depth answer heres what i think happened for both of them. dp suffered right from the get-go due to lack of direction and disjointed writing. it makes for good hc fodder for sure, but at the end of the day butch is not a good show runner and clearly didnt know how to manage the direction dp was going. every writer had their own vision/what they wanted to do with these characters, thats why plot points kept getting dropped or changed randomly and it felt so random. it was as though butch just let anything happen, he didnt put his foot down or give the show any structure at all in a way he wanted (which was good for us obviously but you know as an actual show its a mess lol). season three and pp is the epitome of this behavior. we know he wanted less continuity and less serious stuff anyway, but the fact that phantom planet had THAT many writers and the other season three eps was just a mess of ideas strung together into something not even remotely coherent makes it clear that butch probably let the writers do whatever like it was a shitty group project and everyone had to contribute at least a little bit.

dp tldr: it had a short but memorable lifespan. however, everything throughout it was often sloppy due to lack of structure.

i didnt watch much of fop in its later years, but thats just the problem. what ruined fop was that it had expired ages ago, but it kept getting stretched thinner and thinner because it just needed to keep going. there wasnt anymore stories for them to do, all aspects of fairies and magic and the world had already been explored, so what do they do? retcon everything. just change it all! add more characters! ignore those pesky world rules interfering with writing! who cares if it doesnt make sense just do whatever you need to keep this stupid train going! a lot of similar things that happened in dp season 3 started to crop up in these later seasons of fop as well with its lack of consistency and direction. in fact, the solid endgame goal of fop (timmy will eventually grow up and lose his fairies) is thrown away because the show can never end and butch doesnt care.

fop tldr: the show ran for too long and ran itself into the ground.

[roguestarsailor]

You know what since we’re still in quarantine and i have nothing else better to do, i need to obsess over ACOTAR. I don't like a court of frost and starlight. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I didn't like it. I aggressively read the book in maybe a day and I closed it feeling frustrated and annoyed. My version had A Court of Silver Flames preview so that definitely contributed to my annoyance greatly.

It's because it felt too perfect. Everything that had happened -- after the entire war was fought and won, they just go back to their normal lives? Yes there were hiccups and yes there were still aspects that made every IC character feel like their problems aren’t solved yet...but it didnt feel right. yes i enjoyed the snowball fight between the bat boys, feyre + rhys sexy time, and those little comfort moments too, the slice of life type things and seeing feyre accomplishing her goals and how hopeful the future seems BUT its too fast. the good parts of the book did not offset the bad parts of it.

Feyre literally accomplished pretty much every single goal she made back in ACOMAF just like that?? within a span of what a few months? a year?? She really came back from an entire war -- probably the first war of many since she's immortal and just like that, after her 21st birthday: she gets a whole entire estate, wants to start poppin babies, opens her art studio and starts teaching kids and then acting like she can rule an entire court?? the timeline is sooo short esp since its been brought up over and over again how everyone is literally 500 years old and have a super “messy” history and their changes seems to come super dupe slowly. but feyre, who has only lived 0.000000002% of her fae life, is out here thriving just fine???

the war devastated thousands of illyrian soldiers where its changing the politics of the illyrains and the faes, all of whom feyre has responsibilities over too as high lady. the mortal queens are still at large who left the humans on prythian to die which is why feyre was willing to go to war in the first place! what about the rest of hybern and their land and residents?? they wanted to enslave humans for social and economical reasons! then what about integrating humans w deep hatred and fear with deeply prejudice fae??? there’s also spring and summer court who are literally in ruins. thats literally so much. so idk how feyre is just chillin???? she gonna let rhys do all the hard work???

like feyre sit down. u should not be having a baby. esp since it took u literally a 700 pages to heal from those 3 months UTM. ur telling me shes gonna whole heartedly bring in a newborn in a war devastated world, with civil unrest (illyrains, other courts), with the messiness of human and fae integration, with trauma u and rhys will have to continue to overcome esp after THIS war??? even helping ur sisters w their traumas??

this is a personal opinion on this subject (and maybe my thoughts will change on this later on; opened to other thoughts) but when i read the part about how that weaver/seamstress artist who made that dark quilt that feyre loved talked about how her mate of 300 years didn’t come back from the war and her biggest regret was that she didnt have a kid to remember him by i just thought ur kid isn’t some sort of memorabilia. don’t have a kid to keep the memory of ur mate alive; have a kid cuz u want a kid purely for the sake of having a kid. ur memories and photos and shit will keep their memory alive but its not having a kid. some primitive need to keep the genes alive maybe?? but the way it was phrased and then in turn how feyre was like oh i need  a baby pronto cuz rhys might die in the next war and regret not having a kid with him didn’t sit right with me. also the other couple were together for +300 years and have a rich life together, while shes been with rhys for literally two years THATS NOTHING IN FAE YEARS. thats still the honeymoon phase and also ur problems arent even close to being over!!!

everyone was shitty to nesta. in ACOMAF, we saw how much the IC went through and still did all they could to help feyre. what made them not think nesta deserve the same welcome? nesta is mean as a defense but did no one try to figure out what would help (amren got close but shes so under developed)??? feyre knows nesta feels too much and yet she continued to be shitty. continued to flaunt her wealth, her status, her familiarity/borderline know-it-all attitude about fae/night court, her ~estate~. forcing nest to the solstice party when nesta was literally like i dont belong, im looking at everyone through a window type of thing; the fire cracking triggering her, etc. what kind of power play was that when she made nesta come to her estate, where nesta could SEE how ~homey~ and how suscessful feyre is and fully see all the lovely paintings of everyone feyre loves that explicitly exclude her to tell her to fuck off to a war camp?? bro???? cas was a dick too and elaine was rude. i think a lot of his actions were meant to make her angry since anger keeps u fighting (as was the method of rhys for feyre in ACOMAF) but what he said was stupidly shitty and i demand that he apologize properly. elaine could have done more to help her sister but whatever. mor was definitely an ass too (and im upset for how little her character growth is). 

Lucein. that man can’t catch a break tbh. im happy that hes w the band of exiles cuz he is whole heartedly accepted there. feyre was definitely an asshole to him even tho he helped as much as he could throughout the books. he tries so hard w elaine as well and it did hit my heart a bit when she was like gloves to work in my garden?? no ?? i use my bare hands see oNly aZiReL sEeS mE fOr WhO i Am. and at the same feyre is like flaunting her mate status to lucein which is mean as shit. its like this man can’t find love in prythain. then tamlin sending him his box of his things??? thats for sure brutral. tam was literally his partner through it all; savior of sorts even. no love from IC, no love from elaine, no love from feyre, no love from tamlin, no love from autumn court rejected everywhere! also HIS TRUE FATHER?? HEllo??? 

then on tamlin. i pity the guy! was i suppose to feel that way??? it felt like he is allowed to get a redemption arc and maybe i’ll even root for a redemption arc??? i was absolutely excited for freysand in ACOMAF but after ACOFAS, im like tamlin is....not completely bad??? his relationship w feyre was bad and the controlling parts were very much a no-no. i dont truly understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship but i can understand that it can be insidious and its the little things that hurt the victim. and i felt  feyre through ACOMAF and rooted for her to escape her abuser! but then it felt like i dont think he was doing any of those things out of malice. ill say tamlin is a bad leader and doesn’t know how to run a court outside of what he sees his father do. his understanding on everything is based on the traditions of the past which i think fueled most of the things he did i.e. not telling feyre she was in danger since maybe his mom didn’t do those war planning things. ACOTAR showed how he truly cared/loved and took good care of feyre and her family. he even talked about how he didn’t believe in the enslavement of humans! i think that tam wanted to preserve what he thought was the good (aka feyre + her love of painting) and get back a sense of control that he and his entire court lost while chained to amarantha. but at the same time, i think he truly thought feyre wasn’t safe. he knows rhys can crush minds and knows feyre can’t read/write so when he got that letter telling him shes safe of course hes gonna flip shit and made a deal w the devil (although those temper outbursts were DEFINITIVELY not ok!!!). he also didn’t listen and has sense of he knows best when feyre was not the type of person. but feyre destroyed his entire court. he lost all his sentries who literally went out to die for him during amarantha’s reign. he lost lucien too; his trusted right hand man. his people were cursed for 50 years and then continued to suffer UTM and was in the process of rebuilding too!  but just seeing spring court, WHO BORDERS THE HUMANS, be in ruins where his subjects left him, his people left him and hes all alone in the manson?? that was sooo sad. so im like why does what feyre did not feel satisfactory????? im mad that it didn’t feel right??? maybe there wasn’t a point where feyre talked to tamlin -- like really talked to him esp w her new found voice and power, etc. anyways, i dont hate tamlin and was like oh shit i think feyre fucked up a bit there.

rhys is a dick to nesta. which made me think, if feyre wasn’t his mate would he extend the same love and care to her???  i loved how he tried so hard to make sure feyre was ok. made sure she wasn’t breaking! all of it! but for nesta, he had the audacity to use his high lord voice and be an ass overall. even tho he can see how cas is fucken in love??? even just how he talks to cass feels off too. 

i’ll even go as far as to say because of how terrible ACOFAS was, it created this intense divide within the fandom. i remember reading the first three books and was absolutely 1) rooting for freysand  2) curious about the sister relationship and how it will be mended 3) i definitely didn’t hate nesta nor did i hate elaine either -- but i was adament about them talking it out with feyre for those tough times 4) saw a more realistic and charming healing arc 5) was rooting for feyre to be a stronger voice and grow into herself 6) love the dynamic of the inner circle + feyre

but after ACOFAS, I have this intense need to defend nesta and was super mad at how she was treated after the war and in turn a deep dislike for elaine for both her lack of agency, lack of grit that made all the other characters interesting, and lack of care for her sisters (who showed how much they would risk for her). i dont hate rhys but i was extremely not happy with him and his attitude and behavior. feyre became more arrogant and was acting like how asshole rhysand would act. like her life is perfect now and i was not rooting for her anymore. freysand didn’t feel like they have complimenting qualities that made them interesting in the first place but rather they are merging to become the same person but in a bad way. that mind reading thing was cute in the beginning but it became insufferable since all thoughts were shared so seamlessly it made reading feel weird. 

anyways those are my thoughts on ACOFAS. it was a 1/5 stars for me and im mad those events transpired. reading the other books made me excited to know what was gonna happen and i was truly ready to accept the characters as flawed and nuanced as they are. im not mad about character not liking each other but i am mad that everything felt off. ACOFAS just felt regressive in some parts and forced in other parts. i know not everything ends in a nice tied up bow but this book single handily ruined what i thought about these characters in the worse way possible. this book wasn’t suppose to wrap up all the problems that exists in the other books but it didn’t feel hopeful like i thought it would. it didn’t feel wrapped up and didn’t feel like i should be excited about the next books. theres so many missing pieces i feel that i think need explaining and at the same time, i think it introduced too many problems at once which made it feel like its jumping around everywhere. although im still excited for ACOSF because i love nesta, and nesta deserves so much better and i want to have hope that this bad ending will either make sense later on or it was just a blimp.

[rose-dragomir]

rose in college headcanons

@chaoticemobookwormpickles and @sayly (who i can’t actually tag for some reason) asked for these a little while back so, here ya go!

right so

rose doesnt have a great track record with academics

she never really felt like her classes in school were actually contributing to her education, unless they were guardian theory classes

when she had to take precalc she got so annoyed 

her exact words to dimitri were “its not like in a fight with a strigoi one of them is gonna stop and stay ‘wait! graph this function and i’ll leave!’”

he responded with “you never know” under his breath

not helpful

but by the time rose and lissa get to college, lissa is freaking out about queen stuff 

so she majors in political science so she can get a better grip on it

but now shes freaking out about school

shes pulling a C- for the first time in her life

like she figured it’d be a little challenging, but that she’d pick up on it pretty fast

she didnt

none of the material makes sense to her

she literally thinks shes gonna fail one of her law classes 

rose however, is excited about school for the first time in her life

she wasnt doing great with some of the theory at first, not bc she didnt understand it but bc she thought it was stupid

she never really got over that but once she saw how it applied to moroi politics and dealing with council, she figured it was worth it

she loves her law classes 

she doesn’t just think they’re interesting, but she realizes that by studying law, she can figure out how to work around the rules without actually breaking them

when the have a break and come home to dimitri and christian, and she tells dimitri exactly that, he gets scared

like “great, now she can get away with anything, just what we needed”

christian has the same thought.

shes excited for school for the first time 

despite dimitri’s initial fear of rose’s law breaking, he’s really proud of rose and so happy for her that she found this

when abe gets wind of this, he’s also super proud

and can’t stop thinking of all the mafia family possibilities

just one more thing for dimitri to worry about

when they graduate rose has a higher gpa than lissa

and she wont stop talking about it

anyway

rose sorta becomes lissa’s unofficial advisor

which works out perfectly

so rose spends hours and hours with lissa pouring over official document, planning for meetings, writing and editing speeches, researching ancient moroi law

between that, her guarding shifts, and the desk work/ planning she has to do as a royal guard, lissa realizes shes taking up a lot of rose’s time

so she starts to pay her for it

rose is like lissa wtf

but she just goes with it after a while

lissa consults her on almost everything

and rose is really great about advocating about dhampir issues that lissa hadn’t even thought of bc they’re not discussed and lissa doesn’t have that lived experience 

i have this one scene in my head that i can never stop thinking about

lissa, christian, dimitri, and rose are all having a little family dinner sorta thing in lissa and christian’s apt complex, royal living quarters or whatever

lissa and rose are on the couch/ coffee table area going over laws strategizing for a council meeting about guardian rights and benefits, so they’re also going over some really old laws and trying to figure out exactly what they’re saying

and they’re super caught up in it

and dimitri and christian are making dinner (and by now they’re really good friends; i wanna write about their friendship development at some point)

they’ve done this so many times that they’ve got a really good rhythm going 

one of them call out that dinner is ready

and lissa mumbles back something about “wrapping it up”

and dimitri just pauses and looks at rose

and he’s just like

wow

and christian does the same

and they’re gushing to each other about how cool their significant others are

and rose gets up from the couch and she’s all

“talkin’ about us?” knowing full well that they were

dimitri’s just like “yeah” and leans in for a kiss

and lissa comes up to join everyone

they start setting the table and sitting down to eat

and its just super cute and domestic

also

sometimes its the reverse

where dimitri and christian are working on lesson plans and proposals for moroi defense classes and mandates and such

and lissa and rose cook

except its mostly lissa cooking and rose reading ingredients and instructions and then doing paper work or something

sometimes they’re all too busy

and they sit around working on all their respective stuff together bc they just enjoy all being in the same space

so they order in

they have a drawer full of takeout menus from around court

with all their favorite orders marked 

ugh i j love them all so much

wow this really got away from me

feel free to add stuff! i always like to hear what you guys think!

[all-hail-the-witcher]

cuddling

here is my contribution for ace week! im literally squeezing this in at the last possible second (as its 11:32pm on 10/31 as i start this) but better late than never i suppose!!

i dont often talk about my sexuality on this blog, but i do identify as ace and its not something ive ever been overly comfortable with. but seeing the plethora of ace week fics on my dash this past week (mostly by @jaskierswolf, hi, hope you dont mind being tagged) has been so awesome and has made me feel so much more comfortable in myself that i had to write something for this :)

this is some gray romantic/ace geralt with some ace jaskier. warnings for mentions of dubious consent/ not wanting to have sex but doing it anyway. there is no explicit sexual content but it is referenced.

___

Geralt was a Witcher. His entire livelihood consisted of him doing things for humans: killing monsters, bargaining with sorceresses, fighting wars, protecting them from pretty much anything that could hurt their fragile mortal selves. It had been trained into him ever since he was a child. Do what the humans ask of you. It is your job. 

So why would sex be any different?

Humans enjoyed sex. This was something Geralt had come to learn during his time on the path. What was even worse was that some of them especially enjoyed having sex with Witchers. 

Geralt did not enjoy sex. He was not a human, and it was decidedly a human activity. But that did not stop humans from wanting to have sex with him. Some sought him out specifically, wanting to know what it was like to lie with a Witcher for a night. Others insisted on paying him for his monster hunting duties with a round. He never took pleasure in it. Sometimes he would pretend he did. He had gotten quite good at pretending over the years, learning little tricks that humans seemed to like. But the act of it itself made his skin crawl for days on end and he could feel their fingers and lips long after the marks on his skin had faded.

But he worked for humans. He couldn't deny them what they asked of him. 

He assumed Jaskier would be the same. The man was certainly human, so much so that he would flirt with grass if it came down to it (which, admittedly, Geralt had only witnessed once, and Jaskier had been very drunk at the time, but still). But he never tried to bed him, which surprised Geralt. He knew he was good, if the praises of the the people he'd laid with before were any indication Humans generally needed him for a favor and then left him to the wind. Jaskier hadn’t asked him to kill a monster or help him track down an unruly mage, and it had been years at least since they had first crossed paths. The only logical conclusion that Geralt could come to was that Jaskier was waiting for him to bed him and then he would leave, just like everyone else.

The problem was that Geralt had grown quite fond of Jaskier over the years (and his incessant flirting) and while he didn’t want the bard to leave, he also didnt want Jaskier to be miserable following him around anymore. Five years was quite a long time to wait for a round, especially in human years. Resignedly, Geralt told himself that in the next town he would lay with Jaskier and then the whole thing could be over, and they could both move on with their lives. 

He rented a room with one bed, as they often did, despite there being enough coin for one with two. Jaksier hardly noticed, flouncing off to play a few sets for the locals while Geralt went upstairs to prepare. 

He felt the characteristic tightening of his stomach and the shakiness that always came with this particular activity, but he stripped down obediently, even talking the time to rub some of the oils Jaskier liked to much into his hair before laying down on the bed to wait. 

He didn’t have to wait long. “Geralt! You’ll never believe th- whoa, were you expecting someone?” He stood in the doorway awkwardly.

“Just you,” Geralt grunted. They should get this over with. 

“Me? Geralt...did you think I wanted to have sex with you?”

“Well...” Geralt picked at the blanket, feeling foolish for having to explain himself, he thought that humans should understand these things. “Humans always need me for something. And you dont need a monster killed, so I figured....” “Oh dear heart,” Jaskier walked over and sat down on the bed next to him, running his fingers though his hair. “Please do not take this the wrong way, but I do not want to have sex with you.”

“You don’t?” Geralt was shocked. “But...humans....”

“Not all humans like sex Geralt. I certainly don’t. It makes me skin crawl and I feel all weird after. So I don’t do it. I’m still plenty romantic with people, but I dont get into bed with them.” “Hmm.” Jaskier didn’t like sex either? Maybe it wasn't a human thing after all.

“What it Geralt? That was your I’m-Contemplating-Something hum.”

“It...makes my skin crawl too.” He said carefully after a few moments. 

Jaskier’s hand slowed in his hair. “Dear heart,” he began carefully. “Do you like sex?”

Did he? No one had ever asked him what he wanted before. He didnt think he did. It didnt feel pleasant and he usually had to jump in a cold stream after. “No.”

“Then why did you want to do it with me?” “You’re human,” Geralt shrugged. “Humans either want me to kill monsters or want me in their bed. I serve humans, I can’t turn them down. You are a human.” 

"But you dont like sex?”

“No. I’m a Witcher. It’s probably the mutations. But can still get by.” Actually, now that he thought about it, from what he remembered, he’d never been much interested in it before the trials either.

“Geralt,” Jaskier tilted his chin up to look at him and he saw sadness swirling in his eyes. “Not wanting to have sex is not a Witcher thing. Plenty of humans feel the same way too. Admittedly there aren't many of us, I’ve only come across a few in my lifetime, and I think there's a word for it but I can’t remember it right now. Sex does not interest me either, but there are far more other important things in a relationship than just sex.”

Geralt was confused. “But sex is the only thing people ever wanted me for.” 

“And I’m terribly sorry about that, dear heart, but you’re with me now and I will never make you have sex with me. Have you ever- or wait, is there anything else that you dont like?”

Geralt’s head was spinning, and he was still stuck on the part where Jaskier had said that he would never make Geralt have sex with him. For the first time that evening, he felt his hands stop their shaking and something like warmth bloom inside him. “Hmm?”

“Is there anything else you dont like doing? Besides the sex bit I mean.”

Besides sex....Geralt tried to remember what came along with laying with someone. He usually blocked it all out after. “Kissing,” he finally said. “Burns my skin.”

“Alright, we’ll do none of that then.” Jaskier moved from the bed, beginning to take off his doublet and Geralt seized up for a second, afraid that Jaskier was going go back on his word, but then he reached for his nightclothes. “Are you familiar with cuddling?”

“Cuddling?” The word felt unfamiliar in his mouth.

“I’ll take that as a no.” Jaskier smiled. “Go put your nightclothes on. I think I have something that you will enjoy far better than that nasty sex business.”

So here it was then, Jasper did need him for a service after all. Geralt got out of bed and slowly pulled on his night clothes, painfully aware this would be their last night together before they parted ways for good, before returning to the bed. 

“Right, so youre just going to lay on your side, yes right like that, and then I lay behind you, see? And I put my arm around you like this, and we snuggle.” Jaskier’s breath tickled his hair.

“What do we do though?” “What do you mean, what do we do?” Despite Jaskier’s words though, he didnt seem angry. “This is it. We hold each other and enjoy each others presence. We can change positions, if you want, like you can take a turn holding me for example or I could lay on your chest, but we just hold each other close. Show each other we care. This is called cuddling.”

“Hmm.” As far as Geralt was concerned, it was far better than sex. But he knew it wouldn't last. This was all Jaskier wanted from him, clearly, which prevented Geralt from thoroughly enjoying it. 

“Where will you go?” he spoke into the silence a few long moments later. 

Jaskier paused drawing light patterns on Geralts forearm. “What do you mean?”

“Tomorrow.” Wasn't it obvious?

“Well I’ll go wherever you’re going. Just like we always have?"

“You...you’re not,” Geralt swallowed thickly. “You’re not leaving?” 

“Leaving?” Jaskier’s voice rose an octave. “Why on the continent would I be leaving?”

“You’ve got what you wanted from me, with this....cuddling business. You have no reason to stay.”

“Oh dear heart.” The next thing he knew he was being flipped around to face Jaskier. Jaskier, who had tears in his eyes that were just barely visible in the low light. Instinctively, he reached up to brush them away. “I’m cuddling with you because I care about you, because I love you. Not because I want something from you.”

“Oh.” Geralt didn’t know what to say. Jaskier loved him? No one had ever loved him before, much less cared about him or wanted him to be comfortable. 

Jaskier placed his hand on Geralt’s chest. “You never have to do anything you dont want to do with me. And if you don’t want to travel with me anymore, I’ll leave. You are your own person, Geralt, even if you are a Witcher. And you make your own decisions. You wouldn't take a contract that you felt unsafe doing, so in the same vein, you dont have to have sex with anyone if you dont want to. You make your own decisions. You dont even have to cuddle with me right now if you want to. You choose what you want to do based on what you’re comfortable doing, do you understand?”

Geralt nodded into the darkness. This was all so much. He hadn't been able to make his decisions in...well ever. And now Jaskier was giving him permission to. “I want you to stay,” he whispered. “I....care about you too.” He didnt say that he thought he could love him, he wasn't ready to say that yet. And according to Jaskier he didnt have to say it if he didnt want to. 

“Good. Now that we've got that sorted, come here,” Jaskier pulled Geralt into his chest, running his fingers through his hair delicately. Geralt closed his eyes, never had he felt more safe in his entire life. Who knew humans could be so gentle?

Just as he was teetering on the edge of unconsciousness he whispered, “Jaskier?”

“Hmm?”

Geralt felt a small smile tug at his lips at hearing how own language on Jaskier’s lips. “Can we do more of this...cuddling?”

Jaskier’s laugh sounded through his chest, vibrating pleasantly against Geralt’s ear. “Of course we can, dear heart. Of course.”

___

that turned out way longer than i thought it would and its now 37 minutes late but oh well.

throw me an ask if you wanna be on my tag list!

taglist: @percy-jackson-is-sexy- @barlowarts @eminasan @llamasdumpsterfire @stinastar @nonegenderleftpain @electricrituals

[bdlhchn]

extracurricular; hrj

copyright © 2020, bdlhchn. all rights reserved.

genre: slight angst, fluff, tuition classmate!renjun, 1990s!renjun, student!renjun

w/c: 1445 words

synopsis: you’ve only seen him once, but you’re willing to not skip tuition just to see his pretty face.

---------

hating tuition was an understatement, you absolutely detested it. 

you didnt see a need to go for tuition, as you had the best grades you could ever achieve in your entire life. your mom thought otherwise, sending you to enrichment and tuition classes left and right ever since you were taught to read and write.

not to mention the stuffy and uncomfortable atmosphere that was always apparent in the tuition classroom, that never failed to bring a gag to your throat. the tutor droned on and on about topics you were already familiar with, even sidetracking to how he fell in love with his wife for the 30th time.

private tutors are expensive, you thought, that was probably why your mother sent you to a group tuition class. but this was too much, having a subpar tutor with top tier students? parents are really just wasting their money.

creaking plastic chairs and scratchy wooden tables really wasn’t worth the hefty $800 fee your mother had to bear every month per subject.

but maybe someone in your class was worth procrastinating for.

and that was none other than huang renjun, the chinese national that arrived and attended tuition for the same reason your mom sent you for; to be even better than now.

you and renjun arrived at the center around the same time, with the tutor gladly welcoming the both of you with open arms(because it contributes to his KPI). you soon go to realise that he really didnt care about any of the students in class, he really just needed the quick cash to fuel his wife’s obsession with hot pink iridescent birkins.

to be honest, renjun looked a little standoff-ish when you first saw him; jet black hair nicely crowned on the top of his head. round eyes, sharp nose and rosy lips, his features melded very well together, making him look effortlessly beautiful. he could easily make it as a teen actor, you mused, as he took a seat next to you, taking out his writing supplies and notes.

“im renjun,” the boy extends a hand towards you in perfect korean, “nice to meet you.”

“im y/n.” you shook his hand timidly, “nice to meet you, too.”

“i hope you don’t talk in class because i would like to concentrate,” renjun returns his attention to his notes, already scribbling the method to the equation on the blackboard.

you scoffed, did renjun not realise that he got scammed? the tutor that does nothing but rant about his everlasting love(that will soon evaporate the moment he’s retrenched)?

“concentrate,” you muttered to yourself, “sure, i wouldn’t want to be of any disturbance to you anyway. good luck trying to solve that equation, because he himself doesn’t know the method answer to it.”

renjun pauses momentarily, then looking at you, “then why are we here?”

“to raise his kpi,” you bit your lip, spinning your pencil, “if you haven’t noticed already. you’re kinda slow-witted for a star student, renjun.”

“i never said i was a star student,” renjun gritted his teeth, his pencil lead nearly snapping at the pressure he’s putting on the pencil. “you’re the one to say, y/n.”

“your method answer is correct,” you hummed, peeking at his notes, “and by the way, the question he just put out was in my examination paper last year. and i was the only one in the school that got it right.”

renjun stares at you incredulously, snatching your paper from your grasp, eyes not believing the big red 100 inked on your examination paper.

“suit yourself, renjun,” you sighed, taking out the gameboy from your bag, “you’re better off with a private tutor than this place.”

renjun slumped into the seat in defeat, arm going limp at how you just shot him and his hopes of rising up the ranks down just with a few simple sentences. no one has ever talked to him like that before, not even the valedictorian of his school.

turning back to the equation on the blackboard, renjun grumpily solves it without fail.

—

you never saw renjun in class the next lesson.

and the next.

and the following one.

you weren’t the type of person to poke your nose into others’ business, but there was just something about renjun that made you want to care. even though you have only met and conversed with him once.

you were worried that renjun was actually hurt by your words.

you tapped your pencil impatiently on your notebook, the eraser on the top of it rubbing off on the paper surface. students were strolling in one by one, but none of them was renjun. 

what was wrong with you? you seemed to lose total interest in the lesson when renjun isnt here, and that was the very first lesson. 

well, if you couldn’t listen, you might as well skip the class, right?

as the tutor began class, you discreetly packed your materials into your bag, pretending to pay attention to the usual droning of his monotonous voice.

“sir,” you feigned pain, “i think im not feeling too well, could you excuse me from this class?”

your tutor nodded absent-mindedly, “sure, hope you feel better soon, y/n. oh, also could you give a call to renjun? he hasn’t been in class for 3 weeks.”

you stared at your tutor quizzically, and he looked back with the same look, “what?”

“i don’t have his number, sir.”

“just get it from the front desk.” he waves you off hurriedly, “tell them i asked you to.”

you nodded and left the classroom, trudging to the front desk to get renjun’s number. the front desk employee gave you a slight teasing look, writing down renjun’s number on a piece of paper. you chose to ignore it, not letting it get to you.

walking out of the center, you had no idea where to go. you only planned the escape in your head, now what? you definitely did not foresee this part of your escapade that you would make it this far. 

walking past several drugstores, none of the makeup on display caught your fancy. you sighed, walking into the neighbouring comic bookstore and looking around. you have never actually been into the store, only walking past it on several occasions. you weren’t an avid comic fan either, but you have read some of the books before, to pass time. you took another quick scan around the store, a familiar face caught your eye.

renjun.

the said boy had his head immersed in a comic, backpack and homework long abandoned on the table, finding more interest and fun in the book in his hands. he occasionally broke into a small, inaudible laugh, then flipping to the next page. not wanting to disturb him, you quietly walked towards him, settling your things gently on the seat opposite him. renjun was so engrossed in the comic, not noticing your presence until he finished the comic.

“what the hell!” renjun exclaimed, earning some glares from the neighbouring tables, “what are you doing here?”

you eyed the stack of homework beside you, “to do work, duh.”

renjun could barely believe his ears, “aren’t you supposed to be at the center?”

“look,” you closed your textbook, staring at renjun dead in the eye, “why on earth would i listen to him ranting about how he nearly copped that pink croc birkin for the 10th time? i have much better things to do.”

renjun inched his face closer to yours, making your heart skip a beat, “doing homework at a comic bookstore, really? and how did you find me here?”

biting your lip, not knowing how to answer renjun with his face that close to you, you could count the individual eyelashes on his eyes, examining the curvature of his nosebridge to his lips—

“answer me.” renjun folded his arms, stare never leaving you.

“i was just n-next door,” you pushed his face with your pencil, earning a frown from him, “and i can’t concentrate without you in class.”

“you what?” the sides of renjun’s lips lifted, a look you really like, “can’t concentrate without me in class? do you have a crush on me or what?”

your breath hitched in your throat, no way you would have a crush on a boy you just met once. sounds too fairytale-esque even for you, a hopeless romantic who learns tips from romcom dramas.

“as if,” you scoffed, “you’re getting too delusional.”

renjun eyes you wistfully, smiling to himself. he knows exactly how you feel about him, and how he feels about you too. he shakes his head, taking out his worksheets to do. maybe not today, he thought, maybe next time.

[illfoandillfie]

ok sorry but how many people do yall think rog has ever slept with cos i’m guessing four figures no lie

okay, i don’t normally respond to messages like this because, frankly, i dont really feel like its my place to speculate on roger’s sex life. Theres a difference between writing a fiction story with a character named after and inspired by him and discussing his actual personal life which i have no real knowledge about. What he gets up to in his free time is between him and the women he does it with. but i didn’t really feel able to ignore this one. please don’t take this as me telling you off or shutting you down or anything like that. If you want to speculate about roger’s body count thats up to you, go nuts with it. and i love when you guys message me and I don’t want to discourage you from feeling like you can talk to me or just send me your random thoughts or whatever about any subject. But I feel like I need to address why I disagree with this sentiment. Also so I can ask ya’ll to please stop asking me questions like this. 

So firstly, just to get this out of the way. 1000 is a lot. even 100 is a lot. I think if rog had slept with 1000+ people he’d have a least a few illegitimate kids and probably would have been checked into rehab for sex addiction (not to mention STIs and such because lbr people in the 70s specifically probs werent the most careful especially if drugs were involved). I mean even if we were going to say Rog got lucky with a different woman after every show we wouldn’t reach 1000. According to google, Queen played around 700 shows in their entire career. If we add shows played by The Cross thats only another 67 odd shows (according to wikipedia). 

now, i think there are 3 things that contribute to this idea of roger as especially promiscuous. 1. His attitude/demeanour/general way he sells himself. 2. the generally held conceptions about rock stars and rock star behaviour. and 3. what i’m going to call fandom dumbassery (but i mean that with a lot of love) 

So lets start with the man himself. Roger Taylor is loud and opinionated and not particularly humble. He knows he’s talented and attractive though for at least some time he was a little self-conscious about how feminine he looked. He’s always up for a laugh, likes to party and has admitted to enjoying his drink and his women. He’s had kids with two different women, who’s relationships “overlapped”, and is currently married to a third. At least that’s the perception we can gleam from his interviews, behind the scenes videos, and other public appearances. 

It’s easy to see how that image leads to accusations of being a womaniser and a cheater and basically a bit of a slut lmao. But here’s the thing. I think Roger, in part, markets himself that way. The thing is, if you look at his solo songs and the relationships he currently has with his kids and their mothers, and things other people have said about him/his relationships over the years, I think it’s fair to say he also has a bit of a romantic streak maybe? idk if thats the best way of describing it...he’s self confessed to not being a fan of marriage and the like but he’s not opposed to writing and singing love songs and seems to believe in ~love~ as a concept/power. He certainly cares deeply for those closest to him. Whether or not that translates to an agreement with monogamy I can’t say for certain. It’s hard to draw conclusions here because a lot of what we know of his personal life was fed to us through magazines and news paper gossip column articles and they were never looking for the truth, they were looking for scandal and sensationalism. 

For instance the whole thing with the overlapping relationships. I think most people who have read anything about roger and dom and debbie realise that it’s not as cut and dry as “he was cheating with debbie and left dom for her” even though that was the story being sold by the press at the time. The reality (or at least the version closer to reality since obviously no one outside of them and whoever they were closest with knows all the nitty gritty details) is that rog and dom had already split when they got married. it was a marriage of convenience to make sure her and the kids would be looked after financially etc even after he’d moved out. So while it looked to the public like he married one chick and 30 odd days later was spotted with another, there really wasn’t anything untoward happening.  I’m not saying he never had casual hookups or one night stands and i’m not saying he never cheated, but I do think some of it’s been exaggerated, whether by him to encourage the rock star perception or by newspaper/magazine articles.

Now, obviously, we have stories of rog, particularly in the late 60s and into the 70s, being with multiple women. There’s that bit in the Interview with a Queen “Groupie” (which is a fantastic read and i defs recommend checking it out if you havent already) where she talks about roger being a chick magnet and says that, at the time, it was pretty common to sleep about. But, she also says she didnt notice him doing it more or less than anyone else and seemed to mostly be with Jo (his girlfriend at the time). This is the same Jo that got a mention in the Queen in 3D book (”i think we all had the feeling that these two were together for life, but it was not to be”). Conversely, we have that quote (which i cannot find rn but i’ll link it when i do) about roger sometimes having one girl upstairs while another waited in the garage for them to be finished. I think it was about Rog in the mid-late 60s in Truro but whatever. Obviously he wasn’t anywhere near celibate and it’s likely was sleeping with people outside of his relationship(s). But one has to assume that as he got older those kinds of antics stopped happening, at least as frequently.

There is one potential story that I remember reading somewhere along the way about Roger cheating on Debbie while she was pregnant. But, take that with a grain of salt because I can’t find the article again and also I think it was from like The Sun or something equally as rubbish. The press was notoriously always printing mean shit about the boys and that might have been another thing they published to create scandal. Even so, if we assume it’s legit that is still only 1 story. Not to throw him under the bus but Brian is the one with multiple confirmed affairs, who literally wrote songs about it all. So why is Roger the one with sleazy reputation? 

This is where my second and third points come in. There is a pervasive idea about what it means to be a rock star. The whole trashing hotel rooms, sleeping with groupies, passing out drunk every night thing. And I’m sure that Queen was like that to an extent. I think it’s pretty common knowledge that all of them got up to shit on the road. Between innuendo laden interviews and songs, videos and accounts of their parties, stories CT has put online, and other stories like the one of Roger bringing out lines of coke as dessert when he was having dinner with motley crue. They definitely embraced the rock and roll lifestyle. And I think with Roger’s personality being what it is, it’s easy to link him to those traditional rock star tropes and say it was all true all the time. I also think Roger has done nothing to counter those beliefs. He’s been open about how he wanted to be a rock star since the minute he picked up a guitar, he’s labelled himself as a great lay in magazines, he’s joked about girls pulling their tits out over dinner in interviews (though he said he didnt take her home), he’s written songs like One Night Stand and Dirty Mind and Airheads which explicitly mention his preference for women and alcohol. I think it’s fair to say he’s kind of encouraged that view of himself. Whether it was just a side effect of being part of such a well known band and having such a boisterous demeanour/personality, or whether it was intentional as a version of promotion i don’t know. maybe a mix of them? I mean I’m sure it didn’t hurt sales and stuff. it’s the whole guys want to be him, girls want to be with him thing, right? Maybe that’s just me being cynical though lmao. 

Anyway, the fandom brain has taken all of that and compressed it into memes and jokes about rog being the band slut. Which i’m not complaining about, lord knows i’ve made the same jokes and reblogged the same posts and used those tropes in my fics. They’re funny and lend themselves to interesting fic concepts. Plus, i think roger is the sort of person who would probably laugh about most of it. But it’s an idea that keeps feeding into itself through fandom, perpetuating what is probably a misguided view of his personal life.

Again, I am sure he’s had his fair share of fun and I’m not trying to make out that he was always perfect or whatever, but I don’t think he’s been with as many women as the popular discourse would imply and I certainly don’t think he’s in the 4 digit numbers.