#what if you took a “good” person away from a nourishing environment and pushed them to their breaking point?

[rosemarycrowley]

I have read the autobiography of the man who was no longer human. The walking corpse of a soon to be suicide. 

I have read the story of Oba Yozo. And also the story of Osamu Dazai.

I have noticed the similarities. Dazai's tendency to leave not just fragments but whole morsels of himself in his work. Is it a way to explore his own psyche ? To try to understand himself? To make the readers feel what he felt? To validate his own emotions? 

Oba Yozo wasn't a good man. He drank and drank and wasted his precious life away. He mistreated women and only used them to satisfy his own needs. That part we all agree on. That's somewhat the part that most of booktok grasped from the whole three notebooks that recounted his life. They saw him as he saw himself. Nothing but trash. Nothing but an empty carcass. Something that is not human and that has never been human. Now here's what I think: I think that when read literature, it is not to judge someone's character and choose whoever's right and whoever's wrong. It is not to point fingers and "cancel" characters. The point of literature is to push us to analyse those characters, it makes us want to delve into their mind and dismantle their every thought and try to make sense of it all. And that is the beauty of it. 

Now let's go back to our man.

Yozo was very much human. His humanity resided in the fact that he was scared. He was deeply scared of how people would perceive him. It started when he was young and wondered about life and traditions and why his father was a sacred figure to him, how he was too afraid to disappoint him. It was the lack of communication and reassurance from his parents that helped nourish this social anxiety and pushed him to perfect his "people mask" only to be trapped by it to the point of believing that he is nothing, a mere monster without that mask. So he continued on with his people pleasing and took up drinking to escape the mental disorders that came with it. And that was his downfall.

There was a point where I looked for who I should blame for the way that he is. I was even inclined to diagnose him with sociopathy but I felt that it was unfair to do so. He was the result of his own thoughts and his environment. 

Although short, it took me a while to finish the book. I had to read it bit by bit to feel it all the way he did. It broke my heart many many times. It broke me when he prayed to God for one more moment of happiness, no matter how gut- wrenching the misery that will come after it. He believed that the bare minimum for someone to feel human is to be happy. Even for one moment. And the fact that he never felt happiness nor unhappiness deprived him from that title.

Did he really never feel happy? Or did he do whatever is in his power to be as far away from it out of fear? Out of fear of loss ? That the pain of losing said happiness would destroy him ? Then why did he pray to God in that way ? Was it because it was his last shred of fate that he was willing to offer up ? Was it his last chance at life ? 

And you know what destroyed my heart the most? It was how he ended up getting a taste of that happiness, and he lost it. And he felt that despair. And he lived on in misery.

Now what did I think of this book.

I thought it was brilliant. I loved how straight forward it was, how Yozo shared his deepest thoughts in the notebook and how it was given to us raw and untouched.

I also found traced of Dazai all over it. And not just because he was the author. But because it was very much like his life. It was all too similar to miss.

This book felt like a confession. It felt like despair and deep deep sadness. It felt like a memoir with a suicide note aftertaste. To think that it was Dazai's last book before he went to other side only confirms my feelings. 

All in all, it's one of my favourite books to date, it's been annotated and loved and cared for and I appreciate the person who gifted it to me.

[zuol]

I Don’t Have to Prove Myself to Anyone

This has actually been weighing me down a lot. I’ve been really unhappy with myself because I’m so judgmental of myself. I’m not who I want to be and because of that feeling of not being enough, I fail to follow my true values. I’ve found myself being upset with others and pushing others away because of their actions. It has bothered me so much. Why are you treating me as if I’m disposable? Why do I feel like I’m disposable? Have I treated others as if they’re disposable?

These strong feelings elicit a lot of shame within me. Feeling so down about how I have behaved in the past and what do I make of it?

I guess I want to let go.

I made this blog for myself and to document my feelings about the current moment and the things that I experience. It’s the reason why I created a “did not proofread” tag where I can happily post without giving it any second thought, because I tend to second guess myself. This is supposed to be a space for me to freely express myself.

Sometimes it feels paralyzing, where I think to myself, “Well, this isn’t good enough. I sound so negative and unhappy. I don’t want to showcase that part of myself because I may be annoying, perhaps even a hindrance.”

I want to create a space for myself to grow and blossom like a flower. Surely, the circumstances aren’t always right. My environment may not be nourishing. I may not be surrounding myself with the right people. There’s a lot I want to heal from and as much as I want to improve as an individual, I want to learn to sit with my pain too.

As much as I want to be a happy, positive person, I can be very melancholic too.

As much as I want to cultivate happy, fulfilling relationships, I can be dissatisfied and unhappy with the way people act and behave, causing me to act out in not so healthy ways (e.g. dealing with my pain by myself and being a “shut-in”).

As much as I want to care for myself, I find myself running away from my own responsibilities and not taking care of myself properly.

So, this is where I currently am. What a flawed human being I am. But… I am okay with that. I am okay with how moody and capricious I am, and I accept that I can be the opposite of what I aspire to be.

I was speaking to my therapist about the things I want to practice from now on and they are the following:

1. Rejecting perfectionism and instead, focus on trying my best

2. Feel various feelings towards things, not people including myself

3. Doing one thing at a time

These 3 things are huge challenges for me due to my habitual patterns.

I always try so hard to be good, and when I’m not “good” to my own standards, my mood sours. I see this reflected in my relationships with others. Honestly, it’s kind of scary because the strong, negative emotions inside me can build up.

When I judge my feelings, telling myself to reject those feelings, I can’t allow myself to be a human being… I can see how this creates a lack of stability for myself, like I can’t be there for myself because of the whirlwind of emotions.

Because I want to get so much done over the day, I find myself multitasking but this erases the joy from being alive and living. I tried doing one thing at a time today, and it was challenging. But… again, what matters is that I tried and tried my best to my own ability to practice this.

I feel really sentimental because of how harsh I am on myself. (Ok, I just took a short break from typing this as I started crying because of my realization) Obviously, things will be okay, because I am alive and I get to experience so much in my life, no matter how much I suffer. This doesn’t erase the happiness I experience.

To end this, I will share some wonderful things from today (Tuesday, August 30, 2022):

1. I texted my two older cousins who I respect and care about. I haven’t spoken to them in a long time.

2. I sang and danced to Phoenix’s older songs, namely “Lisztomania”, “1901”, and songs from their album “Bankrupt”. Along with that, I was listening to The xx. So many memories came up, one of which prompted me to send my cousin, P, a text message.

3. I made matcha cookies with browned butter. To be honest, I didn’t think it was very good. I don’t think the combination of brown butter and matcha is good. I used good quality ingredients too! Butter is Kerrygold and matcha is Ippodo.

4. I received a notification that the class I’ve been desperately trying to get into has accepted me!

5. I had a honest, thoughtful conversation with my mom. It feels good to be open about my life and how I am feeling with her, especially when she holds that space for me.

6. Being able to smile when I’m alone. Smiling at myself in moments when nothing in particular is happening. Smiling when I’m feeling so blue.

7. Having my dog casually rest her head against me while I was working today. I was actually so surprised to see her so that because I was immersed (and struggling lol) with what I was doing.

Good night :)

I have my retreat tomorrow and I can see myself in so much agony waking up due to the lack of sleep I’ll be getting. Wahhhhhhhh.

[heavenlysageee]

A Seed That Blossoms

fandom: Jujutsu Kaisen/Gojou

pairing: Gojou x Reader 

word count: 2049 words

a/n: this is based on the blackout scene from In The Heights that’s been going around on tiktok! it’s a bit of a drabble w/ some fluff - please enjoy mwah!

»» — —  —   —  ♡— — — — ««  ♡  »»— — — —  —  — ♡ — — —  — ««

You and Gojo have had this unspoken tension between you for a while now. Despite your adamant denial time and time again to Nobara and Yuuji, there’s a small part of you that wonders what would happen if you indulge him just a little bit. This small seed grew into a larger impulse you couldn’t deny any longer and decided to give him a chance. Just one night, with no strings attached.

You peer over at the sun as the pink sunset dances across your empty classroom at Tokyo Jujutsu High. The day was ending and you were lucky to be just about finished with your duties when you felt a pair of familiar eyes drill themselves into the back of your head. Without even turning around you said, “Are you gonna say hi or you just gonna stand there and block my doorway?”

He walks over with a smirk plastered across his face before leaning against one of the desks. “Well, hello to you too, sunshine.” 

You roll your eyes at the usual stupid lines he would throw your way. On a normal day, you would let these slide because you weren’t all that interested. But that seed blossomed, took root, and is still demanding to be nourished. You took a pause and looked up at him from your desk. He was readily waiting for your snippy quip to his advances toward you.

 You knew him for a player, the type of guy who thinks more with the thing between his legs. But you ignored the warning signs flashing in your mind when you flash him a small smile and ask him out. 

“What are you doing for the rest of the night, Satoru?” 

His eyes seemed to flash a bit of confusion at the strange turn of dynamic. You were rarely interested at anything he had to say, let alone ever entertaining his stupid pick-up lines. He bit the bait anyways. “Hoping it would be you, but I’d like to hear what you have in mind.”

You chuckled softly and replied, “Maybe if you’re lucky. Let’s see if you’re as invincible as you claim to be. Meet me at my place tonight at 8:30 and we’ll go dancing at the spring festival. Don’t make me regret giving you a chance.” 

You walk away leaving the most powerful sorcerer feeling a bit confused but excited for the new possible endeavor. 

Staring at yourself in the mirror, you fix your hair and check that you have everything you need for the night. Cellphone, check. Wallet, check. Keys, Check. Glancing at your phone, you notice a text from Gojo indicating that he was outside. He’s leaning against the hood of his car, wearing a white button up with a few buttons open, tucked into dress pants that fit him all in the right places, and his signature rectangular resting low on his nose bridge. 

You think to yourself, well, crap, he does clean up nice. Guess the people he hooks up with aren’t as blind as I thought they were.

He immediately scans your figure and smiles, “Wow, well, aren’t you a sight to see. Hope the night works in my favor and I’ll be touching you too.” 

You felt your blood rush to your cheeks as you smooth out your outfit to regain your senses. You walked toward the passenger side door and slid into the leather seat. The entire car smelled of his cologne. The engine revs and you both ride off to the party. The city lights a kaleidoscope across the dashboard and onto his side profile. You keep adjusting in your seat to distract yourself from the knot building in your abdomen. You knock it up to general nerves from a new environment and try to release the excess energy by fidgeting every so often. You feel a large, calloused hand on your knee and freeze. 

Gojo glances over with slight concern, “You good? You’ve never been on a date with someone as hot as me?” His usual banter calms you down and reminds you that it’s just Satoru, you’ve known him for a while and this shouldn’t change much. It’s just a night of dancing. You feel the car slow down and pull into the lot. Gojo opens the passenger door and leads you by the arm into the plaza. You’re greeted by the glow of lanterns strung through the outdoor plaza, the smell of various cocktails and food wafting through the air, the pounding of the bass echoes in your ears and can be felt in your feet, sending rivers of your nerves into excitement. 

He pulls you to the bar and buys you both drinks to start the night out. He turns toward you with his sky blue eyes, drink in one hand and leaning his cheek on the other. “So, what was the turning point? What made you give somebody SO detestable a chance darling?”

The pet name sends a rush of blood through you and you ask for another drink to counteract the feeling. You turn and meet his eyes once more, “You know, I’m just gonna outright say it.  Although you can be detestable, you always flirt with me and I wanted to see if you got more than just a pretty face.” You throw a few more shots back and feel the former butterflies slip away, just enough to gather the courage to enjoy the party. 

While he watches you transform into someone far more outgoing from the liquid courage slipping past your lips, his eyes stare longer at them. Even if he hasn’t outright admitted it, you were the constant in his life that gave him a sense of normalcy. No matter how many people he wakes up next to in the morning, he always wondered what it would be like to wake up next to you or learn about you beyond the boundaries of banter and curses. As arrogant as he can be, the one thing he doesn’t want to sacrifice is the dynamic you have going on with him. He wouldn’t let his feelings ruin that if you didn’t want it to. This is a chance that can bring your relationship with him to a new level - one step forward or ten steps back. 

Before he could get a word in, another person offered to dance with you. You glance over at Gojo knowingly ready to reject them if he just said the word. But he didn’t. He nods, gesturing for you to continue, and you try to hide the slight disappointment behind your eyes. You wonder if it was worth inviting him out at all without even knowing if he wanted to go on a date with you. He could’ve just been flirting with you for shits and giggles. 

Gojo watches with a clenched jaw as you bounce from one person’s arms to the next. Time passes and you glance every so often to see what he was doing, wondering why he hasn’t pulled you and asked you to dance yet. Your hope for him to make a move dwindles and you feel it wither as each second passes. You feel your eyes drill into him as another person approaches him and grazes their hand across his, leaning into his ear to whisper something. He laughs. The loud music, the breaths of the stranger on your neck mixed with the smell of alcohol fills your nose but nothing defeats the angry drumming of your heartbeat in your ears.

You should’ve known he wasn’t here for you. You walk over with the firm resolve to nip this feeling before it grows even deeper roots and hurts you more. “I was just another score huh? You abandoned me. Gojo, you barely even danced with me.” 

His face distorts into irritation as he feels the pent up frustration bubble over, “Don’t make me laugh, I’ve been trying all night. You been shaking your ass for like half of the town.” 

It’s as if the whole room deadened to a halt as he spits out the words, placing the blame on you. Every one of your senses grow overwhelmed and all you can taste on your tongue is absolute bitterness. He never saw the way you longingly looked at him, all it took was a word and he never spoke up. That was his decision and it isn’t your fault. You retort, “Trying? You didn’t even approach me on the dance floor. I felt everyone’s hands on my waist except the one pair I was hoping would. Instead you were busy swapping spit with what seems like anyone that was willing to.” 

Shame continues to flood Gojo and pushes him into an inexplicable frustration, the flood gates opened at this point and wouldn’t stop. “That’s all you expect from me and never see me as anything other than a wandering, empty shell of a man into different people’s beds right? So why should I try to prove myself as anything other than that? I can have a normal conversation with somebody but to you it looks like I’m working for my next bed frame.”

Offense bubbles in your chest as you feel your voice begin to shake, “Why would I expect anything different when that’s all you’ve ever shown me tonight. I gave you a chance and you did what you usually do. With somebody else, again. And don’t ever shame me for dancing with other people, you don’t own me Goj-”

Before you can finish, you feel his hand squish your cheeks, preventing you from speaking. “You know that’s not my name sweetheart. I don’t want to hear you call me by anything other than my first name. You’ll never be distant enough from me that I’ll allow you to call me that.” Your eyes meet his and pull his hand away from your face as he seems to tower over you this time.

You stare at each other for what seemed like forever as a mix of shock and sentiment swirl in your mind, “Forget it Satoru. Good thing we established that we wouldn’t ever work. I’m just gonna find my own way home, you don’t have to worry about me. Have fun.” 

He grabs your wrist, “Give me a chance again. Please.” You try to rip your hand out of his grip but it was impossible. Tears sting and threaten to spill from your eyes as you look back and expect a smug look of victory. Instead you were met with a gaze that spelled absolute defeat. Your expression softened slightly and sighed, giving him a nod. He pulls you away from the crowd back through the exit only lit by the obnoxiously red neon sign above the two of you. 

His thumb gently swipes across your cheek urging you to look up at him. His voice softly responds, “You were doing your own thing and I wanted to try and distract myself from what I was feeling.” His hand moves from your face and he runs it through his hair trying to find the words. You reach for his hand and cradle it in your own, “What feeling Satoru?”

He slips his hand away and decides it’s time to come clean, “I was afraid that if I made a move you didn’t like, it would push you away. I don’t really care for a lot of people, but I do for you and I didn’t want to deal with losing a best friend. I’ve dealt with that shit before and I don’t want to make the same mistakes again.” 

Your heartbeat finally stills and you feel the stupid seed blossom again, leaving you in a feeling of vulnerability. “Are you trying to pull the sap card to get into my pants or are you being real right now?” He smiles exasperatedly and replies, “I’m being really genuine right now. If I JUST wanted to get into your pants, I would’ve done it FOREVER ago.” 

You gesture him to come closer to your face, he obliges and leans into you about a breath away from your nose. You fill the space between you both and press a gentle kiss to his lips with a small smile. “Hm, guess that makes two of us.”  

[aspiringauthorintraining]

Volleyball Actually: Scene 1

You really hoped the lady at the information desk had given you the correct directions to the Black Jackals’ practice court, because your arms were about to fall off any second from all the bags in your hands. Not to mention your face mask was making your panting worse.

‘Next time, order delivery, (Y/N),’ you advised yourself, pushing the entrance door to the court with a shoulder.

But before you could even fully step inside, a chirpy voice went ahead and announced your presence. "Senpai!"

A tuft of orange bounced up and down in your peripheral, waving its arms haphazardly at you. The bouncing ball of orange turned out to be Hinata Shoyo, the newest member of the MSBY Black Jackals V.League Division 1 team, as he raced over to engulf you in a tight, air squeezing hug.

You struggled to return the sentiment, trying not to hit him with the multiple bags in your hands.

“Senpai, I can’t believe you came!” Hinata exclaimed, helping to unload the bags off your hands, placing them on the floor.

“Of course! I did promise you after all.” You surprisingly found yourself craning your neck slightly to look at his ecstatic face. “Did you get taller Shoyo?”

Hearing your words, he puffed his chest out proudly, straightening his posture. “I’m 172.4 cm now!”

You couldn’t help but smile at him. “Now you’re taller than me! I guess I can't give you head pats anymore." An unconscious slight frown crept onto your face, replacing the smile.

“You can still pat my head, senpai!” Hinata refuted, grabbing your hand and using it to pat himself on the head. “I can just lean down for you, like this.”

You laughed at his solution, rewarding his quick thinking with a proper patting. Even though he grew from his height in high school, he still acted like the cute first-year you had met for the first time in the Karasuno gymnasium during your third-year in high school.

When satisfied with the amount of head pats he received, he proceeded to ask, “What are those bags for, senpai?”

“Oh, these are for you and your teammates! I figured you guys hadn’t had lunch yet because of practice.” You responded with a sheepish smile when he asked what food you brought. “I’m not really familiar with the area around here but I did want to bring something nourishing, and thought about what I could buy that wouldn’t get cold easily. And a friend recommended Miya’s Onigiri, since it’s within walking distance from your gym, plus there’s no msg in any of the menu items. He also mentioned some famous volleyball player always eats onigiri before a big game?” You shrugged, not being able to give him the name of the said mysterious onigiri-loving volleyball player. You didn't know nor were you really interested in finding out. “So I’m hoping it’ll be okay for you guys to eat too.”

All the eavesdropping ears on the court perked up at the mention of the food.

“We can definitely eat onigiri, especially if it’s from Miya’s Onigiri.” Hinata assured your worry. “But I still would have eaten anything you brought, senpai.”

His sweet words put a smile on your face, mirroring the one he had on already.

“Shoyo-kun, aren’t you going to introduce us?” One of his members interjected from behind, grabbing both your attentions.

“Ah, of course! Senpai, this is the MSBY Black Jackals team.”

Most of the players were new faces to you, and you made a mental note to memorize their names starting from now on. But luckily, there was one member you wouldn't need to memorize, having already met him a few years back.

“Hey, hey, hey!”

“Hey, hey, hey!” You repeated back to the ace. “How have you been, Bokuto-senshu?”

You swore his hair deflated immediately at the sound of your greeting.

“What happened to calling me Ko-chan?”

“Oh um… I mean it’s been forever since we’ve seen each other. And it would be rude of me to call you that, now that you’re a professional athlete and all.”

“Once a friend, always a friend!” he exclaimed. His hair now resembled a dying fern. His natural hair color really helped with the imagery.

With many years passed since you last saw the athlete, you weren't sure whether Bokuto still had his emo side or not. But today was not the day you were going to find out. So, to quickly appease him, you nodded your head in agreement, replying, “Of course, Ko-chan.”

At your words, his hair rose back to its original form, along with the smile on his face. It made you curious to what his hair would look like in the rain, if he was in a good mood. Would his good mood cancel out the rain and cause his hair to withstand gravity? Or would it be flat like any other normal person?

You made a mental note to ask Hinata later through text.

Bokuto, who was oblivious to the scientific theories, pertaining to his hair, roaming around in your head, directed his gaze to the bags of food mentioned earlier, licking his lips in anticipation.

The rest of the team were also looking at you expectantly, reminding you of hungry baby birds, waiting in their nest for their mama bird to give them food. Realizing that they were patiently waiting for you to hand out the food, you moved with haste to unfurl the tied bags, taking out the multiple bentos of onigiri and the drinks you had brought for the team. Hinata volunteered to help you hand out the boxes, since you had written each member's name on a box. You had also included a small note reading, “Please take good care of our Shoyo-senshu! ♡＾▽＾♡” along with a wet wipe and a small bottle of hand sanitizer with each box. It was flu season after all, and you didn’t want to be the cause for any of them getting sick before the big game.

One of the members; Sakusa-senshu, you think was his name, took a moment to stare intently at the wet wipe packet and bottle of sanitizer on top of his box in silence, before giving you the nod of approval. You gave Hinata a questioning look, but he was too busy guiding you to the next name on the box to notice.

After you both had finished handing out the rest of the boxes, you surprised Hinata with a big bag, instead of a bento box like the others. Motioning for him to take the bag, he opened it to find it full of healthy snacks, sports drinks, as well as his own bento box. A small folded letter stood out from the rest of the contents in the bag though, grabbing his attention.

“Shoyo! ^^

Welcome home Shoyo! I’m so proud of you, and of all the hard work and effort you’ve put in to get to where you are now. I know it wasn’t easy living halfway around the world by yourself, in an unfamiliar environment with unfamiliar people. Now I can tell you that I lied when I said I wasn't crying when you called me that time, crying about missing Japan and everyone, even Tobio. Sorry for lying. I didn't want to ever make you feel bad about calling me. I do hope the snacks and care packages I sent you during your time in Brazil helped with your homesickness though, even if it was just a tiny bit. But regardless, I always knew if anyone could do it, it would be you. I’m so happy you’re back home with us now; we all missed you so much (Tobio and Kei will never admit it but they missed you too). And whether you’re Ninja Shoyo, MSBY Black Jackals Hinata-senshu, or first-year Hinata Shoyo from Karasuno, you’ll always be an amazing volleyball player to me. I'll always be here cheering you on from the sidelines, so don’t forget about me when you become a world famous pro. Good luck in your new job, Hinata-senshu. Show the world what it means to fly in the court.

                                                                                                 Your #1 fan,      

                                                                                                  (Y/N)-senpai.                             

Hinata continued to look down, even after having finished reading the letter in his hands.

“Sho-chan?”

He looked up at the sound of your call, responding to your question with glistening eyes and clutching the letter close to his chest.

“Shoyo?” you panic. “What’s wrong?!”

“I missed you too, senpai!” he wailed, grabbing the attention of the other members who had already started eating. “I-I won’t let you down! I’ll be the best volleyball player and make you proud!”

“Oh, um thank you, Shoyo. Now please stop crying!” you begged, feeling your own eyes moisten. “It wasn’t my intention for you to cry.”

The Black Jackals captain, Meian Shugo, watched the scene before him with a smile, chuckling at the two of you: their newest and youngest player crying his eyes out and you frantically trying to calm your kouhai down with teary eyes of your own.

Not knowing what else to do to get him to stop crying, you could only pat Hinata’s head gently and looked to the rest of his members for help.

To your relief, the other resident happy virus came quickly to your aid. “(Y/N)-chan, Shoyo, come sit down and eat with us!”

While you led the sniffling Hinata over to the Bokuto and the others, a loud growl erupted from his stomach, reminding him of how hungry he was.

“See, even your stomach is telling you to stop crying.” You teased, plopping down on the floor and patting the space next to you for Hinata to sit. “Let’s eat before the food gets cold.”

You finally got Hinata to stop crying and start eating his food, and soon he was back to smiling like he hadn't just made a scene in the middle of the gym minutes prior.

"Fy aren't chu eating, shenpai?" Hinata asked, his mouth full of food. "Fere's shtill mm bento lef."

Sakusa reacted to his response with a disgusted face, immediately scooting away from the newbie.

"I already had lunch before coming over. That reminds me though, is someone missing from your team? There shouldn't have been any bentos left."

Bokuto hummed at your question, gobbling down a rice ball before answering. “Kiyoomi kicked ‘Tsumu out of practice for not getting his flu shot, saying he didn’t want to be near a virus hub. So he’s getting his flu shot right now, so he can come back to practice.”

His explanation made your recent interaction with Sakusa more sense now. You made another mental note to remember to bring wipes and sanitizer when visiting Hinata, so that you wouldn't get kicked out by Sakusa.

~~~~~~~

When it was time for the team to get back to practice, the players helped you collect all the trash to throw away on your way out. You saw Hinata rushing out the door, after placing his empty bento in the trash bag and didn't give it much thought, thinking he had to go to the bathroom. But as you took a look around the gym for any missed trash to make sure the place looked clean like the way when you had first come in, you saw Hinata skipping towards you, now clutching a phone in his hand.

“Senpai, let’s take a picture! I want to remember the day you came to visit me!"

You smiled at his request, nodding in agreement. “Sure, Shoyo.”

What started out being just a selfie with Hinata and yourself, somehow turned into a mini photoshoot with the rest of the MSBY team, after Bokuto begged to be in the picture as well- roping in the rest of the team into the picture, including a somewhat reluctant Sakusa.

Director's Cut:

“Hey Shoyo, who’s this in the picture next to you?” Atsumu asked, seeing the new picture pop up on his feed.

“Oh, it’s Shoyo’s old manager. She brought all of us lunch! That’s yours.” Bokuto replied instead, pointing to the bento left on the bleachers.

“Yeah, isn’t she really pretty?” Hinata added, smiling at the picture on Atsumu’s phone. His eyes soon grew wide, after seeing the amount of hearts below the picture. “Woah, I never received so many likes on a picture before! Ooh, I should send this to Kageyama! He always brags about (Y/N)-senpai visiting him during practice. Now it's my turn."

While Hinata was preoccupied with figuring out how to send the picture to Kageyama, Atsumu continued staring at the photo.

“I'm surprised there's so many likes when I'm not even in the photo.”

Taking closer look at the photo, his eyes zeroed in on your face for a while.

“You know, she looks familiar.”

“Hmm? Do you know (Y/N)-senpai? I asked her if she knew anyone on our team and she only recognized Bokuto-san.”

“Eh, she didn’t know who I was? Yet, she bought food from Miya’s Onigiri?”

“Guess you’re not so popular as you thought.” Sakusa retorts from his stretching position.

[guardianofrivendell]

PERFECT SECRETS - CHAPTER 2

Legolas x OC multichapter

Requested: Nope

Summary:  Mira. A short and unusual name for a short and unusual Elf. After an audience with Galadriel goes sideways, she leaves her birthplace Lóthlorien and the Elves for good.  That is until a certain Gandalf asks for a favor. Come along on her journey, as she reluctantly agrees to accompany Gandalf on the quest to destroy the One Ring.  She befriends every Fellowship member, except one. Legolas and Mira are water and fire from the very first moment they laid eyes on each other. Will this be an obstacle during the quest or is it going to make everything just a little more interesting?

Warnings: none that I noticed

Masterlist Perfect Secrets

A/N: For the sake of the story, Mira doesn’t know that the name of the Prince of Mirkwood is Legolas. Just so you know...

Mira was crossing the Old Forest, on her way to Hobbiton. It had been literal centuries since she had been in the Shire and she was curious how it had changed in the meantime. She was hoping that for one, she was welcome and two, that she could stay for a couple of months before moving on to her next destination. Wherever that may be. 

With her hood still up - you might never know - she placed herself behind a rock to take a break and have a bite to eat before continuing her journey. She nibbled absentmindedly on her last piece of fruit. Another reason to linger in the Shire for a while: food. 

If she learned one thing on her last stay with the Hobbits, it was that they knew how to appreciate food. Maybe they could provide her with enough provision for the next part of her journey... Not that she really needed it, but living around humans for so long made her appreciate food for the taste instead of pure nourishment. 

Out of nowhere she started to feel uncomfortable. Her eyes darted from tree to tree, down to the bushes, even to the sky to try and locate the threat. But she couldn’t see anything wrong.

“Eímiraelyn!” A voice echoed in her mind. It came so unexpected that she dropped her apple to the ground. She rolled her eyes even though the messenger wouldn’t see it. There was only one person who would contact her this way.

“I told you many times not to call me that, Gandalf,” she sighed. She hated it when he did this. It did explain her uncomfortable feeling, so she felt a little more at ease now, focusing on the voice in her head instead of her environment. 

“Come to the Valley of Rivendell,” Gandalf began. “I will await your arrival.”

Rivendell? There was no way she would go to an Elven town. Absolutely no way.

“Trust me, Mira. You’ll want to be there. I know you will do the right thing.” 

The uncomfortable feeling disappeared, alerting Mira that Gandalf was out of her mind. She picked the apple from the ground and twisted it in her hands, pondering over Gandalf’s request. 

Rivendell was more than 400 miles away and she was on foot. Even if she decided to go, it would take her more than a couple of days to get there. And then there was the risk of someone recognizing her. She had never been to Rivendell before, but that didn’t mean anything. 

Gandalf asked for her help. She had turned him down last time, could she do it again? 

She thought about it for a few more hours, torn between her wanting to help Gandalf and the desire to stay hidden. Leave for Rivendell, or continue her journey to the Shire. 

Her eyes started trembling and her vision shifted from the forest around her to images flashing in front of her. She couldn’t see them very clearly because it all went pretty fast, but she saw what she thought to be Rivendell, Orthanc, Saruman, battles between Orcs and Men, and snowy mountains but the last one made her head start to shake to get rid of it: the forest of Lóthlorien.

Visions like the one she just had weren’t uncommon anymore. They had started a few years after she left her home, only lasting a fraction of seconds and never clear enough to see something, let alone understand them. 

But lately they became more frequent and she started seeing longer images, long enough to actually see what they were. Sometimes feeling certain emotions with them as well. 

She knew from what Galadriel had told her at the time that it were flashes from the future, of what could be. 

When her vision changed back to normal, she let her head drop in her hands, her fingers disappearing in her hair beneath her hood. She softly pulled at the roots out of frustration, knowing what the vision was trying to tell her. 

She got to her feet, wiped the sand of her clothes and adjusted her hood. 

“Alright Mira, let’s go. It seems we have an eight days’ walk ahead of us,” she sighed. She threw the apple as far as she could as she headed in the opposite direction. To Rivendell of all places. 

*

After eight days walking and almost no rest she reached the Ford of Bruinen, crossing the outer borders of Rivendell. 

Was this really such a good idea? What if they recognized her? The only ones who would really know she was a runaway were Gandalf, Galadriel, her parents and the King and Prince of Mirkwood. Her parents sailed to Valinor centuries ago, Galadriel wouldn’t leave Lóthlorien and what were the odds of Mirkwood royalty to be here at the exact same moment? 

She wasn’t taking any risks though. After she entered the forest surrounding the gorge where Rivendell was built, she climbed one of the trees to keep out of sight. 

She tucked every loose strand of hair into her hood to hide her ears, like she did when she lived with humans. She was used to pretending to be a mortal; if it was good enough to fool the humans, it would work with the Elves as well. Probably. Hopefully. 

Mira decided to stay off the ground for a while, choosing to jump from tree to tree instead. One of the benefits of being an Elf, she thought, jumping with ease, hardly making a sound while doing so. 

When she saw the first buildings of the town come into view, she let herself drop to the ground soundlessly.

“Still got it,” she said, smiling to herself. 

But when she rose to her full height, she looked straight at the tip of a notched arrow. She wasn’t the only one who had been silent. She tilted her head to see who had the audacity to point an arrow at her, surprised to find a rather handsome Elf with blue eyes and blonde hair attached to the bow. Figures, she thought. Of course it’s blonde. 

“One step further and you are dead,” he growled at her. Mira looked at him surprised. 

“You’re joking right?”

“Turn around,” he snapped at her. She groaned, but did as she was told. 

The ellon slung his bow back over his shoulders and returned his arrow in his quiver in a single swift movement. He took a step forward, grabbing her shoulder with one hand and her wrists in the other - a little rougher than she had expected - and he started to push her towards Rivendell. This was just lovely, she thought. 

“For your information, I’m here at the invitation of Gandalf the Grey,” Mira told him. “If you were invited, you would not be sneaking around and hiding in the trees. And the hood? Not suspicious at all,” he answered. 

They both reached a small square, where a couple of people stood in small conversation. 

“Lord Elrond,” the ellon called out. “I have found this being in the woods, sneaking around.”

The male Elf who was referred to as Lord Elrond, looked at Mira for a few seconds before he answered her captor. 

“Legolas, as I seem to recall, you do not belong to the Guard of Rivendell. I can assure you my guards would have intercepted her much earlier if she really was a threat.”

“Seriously?” Mira exclaimed, giving Legolas her deadliest glare. “You’re not even supposed to be doing this? Talk about an overachiever!” 

“If you’re not a threat, then why the disguise? Let us see who you are,” Legolas said, grabbing the edge of her hood to pull it off her head. Mira was just about to kick him in his knee caps - or preferably a little higher - when a familiar voice boomed over the square. 

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Legolas!”

Gandalf entered the space, and he didn’t look pleased at all. 

“She claims to be here at your invitation, Gandalf,” Legolas tried again. 

“That is true indeed,” Gandalf said. “She is here at my request.” 

He smiled kindly at Mira. “My dear child, how happy I am to finally see you again!”

“Likewise, Gandalf. It has been too long,” she replied, after which she mouthed him a ‘thank you’. Gandalf knew how much her anonymity meant to her. 

She looked behind her at Legolas, trying to move her wrists out of his grasp. “Would you mind?”

He reluctantly let her go. 

Before she could give him a piece of her mind - she really, really wanted to - Lord Elrond called everyone together, for some kind of council. The others followed him up the stairs, leaving Gandalf and Mira alone. Legolas also followed, but not before he gave her a cold look. 

“He seems very cheerful,” Mira murmured. She felt a hand on her shoulder. 

“Do not think I don’t appreciate your presence here, Mira, but what exactly made you change your mind?”

“Like you don’t already know that,” she immediately replied with a smirk. 

Gandalf pursed his lips into a thin line. 

“Are you willing to tell me what the vision showed you?”

Mira told him what she saw and felt. Gandalf was silent for a while after that, processing the new information.

“It is as I feared,” he told her eventually. “Saruman is no longer the Wizard he was before and is corrupted by evil. I experienced it first hand. We are at the verge of war.”

“Gandalf, Middle Earth is always at the verge of war.”

“As sad as it is, you are not wrong. Come, we have a Council meeting to attend.”

Mira made no move to follow. 

“You need to be there too, my child. After all… you were destined for great things, were you not?”

She rolled her eyes as he repeated the words of Galadriel.

“There is the Mira that I know,” he smiled.

[empaths-hsp]

The Link Between Highly Sensitive People and Chronic Fatigue

HSPs tend to do more mental work than others — one of the key causes of chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS).

Chronic fatigue is one way that our body expresses what we’ve been unable to. As a highly sensitive person (HSP) — someone who feels deeply and easily gets overwhelmed — I tried to push past these traits for years. I pretended to be less affected by time pressure, (emotionally) stressful situations and loud, crowded environments than I was. I simply adapted while doing my best to not expose how rattled or upset such circumstances actually made me feel.

I didn’t realize it, but pushing myself to be something I wasn’t, forced my body to speak up. Thanks to the demands I put on it, my energy levels began plummeting drastically, and I experienced different symptoms, including weight loss and brain fog. 

At first, I thought it was because my digestive system was out of whack, but blood tests didn’t show anything wrong, and the changes I made to my diet seemed to help only a bit. But I couldn’t shake feeling totally wiped out, and that level of exhaustion often came with muscle aches, poor sleep, and even feeling as though I was coming down with the flu. 

The Road to Chronic Fatigue

I decided to visit the doctor’s office to see what was going on, and it was unsettling. The doctor was new at the clinic — a peculiar old guy with a dry sense of humor. Initially, he didn’t show much empathy, exclaiming, “Well, there certainly isn’t much meat-juice left in you!” Despite his demeanor, though, he actually said a few spot-on things. I thought my thyroid might be overactive — the symptoms seemed to match — but he brought up another possibility: chronic fatigue. 

“We won’t take any more blood tests since it’ll only repeat your feeling of not being seen,” the doctor wisely said, sharing insights gained from a lifetime of experience. “Focus on building yourself back up again.” His secretary, who afterward kindly comforted me, stated that “I looked like something the cat had dragged in.” And while I could’ve taken offense at her words, it felt more like a breath of relief. Finally, someone was taking my anguish seriously and acknowledging how sick I felt! 

The Connection Between Sensitivity and Fatigue

HSPs, like introverts, tend to reflect deeply on the world around them, and do lots of ”inner labor” that remains invisible to those around them, and therefore isn’t considered valuable. 

We’re constantly trying to adapt to a pace not aligned with our natural tendencies — and a value system that prizes achievements and accomplishments rather than internal developments — all of which takes a toll on us, as many HSPs can attest. Whether it is habitually tightening our muscles to keep ourselves together or clenching our jaws to ”power through” something, our bodies take the hit.

Too much and our bodies will start speaking up, as mine did. Chronic fatigue doesn’t have a known cause (though depression and overwork are associated with it) and rest won’t make it go away. But I believe that several high-stress incidents — like taking on limiting familial beliefs, or unwittingly absorbing and feeling trapped in loved ones’ crises and stresses — impacted me as a highly sensitive person, and by ignoring them or trying to respond in a way that wasn’t true to my sensitivity, I developed the condition. 

Repressed anger played a role as well for me. Anger can be a scary emotion and HSPs are often softhearted empaths who struggle with expressing it constructively, if at all. Unfortunately, we tend to suppress it or turn it towards ourselves in destructive ways, all to our detriment. Instead, we could use this vital life-force energy for healthy boundary setting, especially for shielding our sensitivity and for building a sense of personal power and agency. 

I have a suspicion that my illness is linked with forcefully pushing myself in an attempt to live up to the norms and ideals of society. On top of absorbing emotions and repressing anger, I come from a place inhabited by mostly practical-minded people with a traditional work ethic. Beyond a certain age, they frown upon behavior that seems lazy (because it’s not as productive as they think it should be), so being a deep-processing, quietly-observing, and emotionally-responsive person isn’t always understood or appreciated, let alone celebrated. 

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Recovering from Fatigue as a Highly Sensitive Person

My recovery hasn’t been easy. I still feel physically sick if I go into negative thought loops. And I don’t seem to be able to cope with pressure, from outside or inside. Recovery almost resembles taking care of an infant. 

I suppose I must accept it and learn how to become a responsible, loving caretaker of my physical, mental, and emotional needs by giving my body sufficient rest, plenty and proper nourishment, and living as free from stress as possible. To use mere willpower to make my body do something or push myself doesn’t work. I can’t do it anymore.

I have to be in tune with my needs and make appropriate decisions, moment by moment, based on my body’s signals. If I don’t, I reap painful consequences almost immediately. My body is a strict teacher, speaking in capital letters if I don’t treat it exactly how it needs, now. 

Channeling My Experience into a Creative Project

My exhaustion took a very serious toll on my body. But it had one upside: it made me put pen to paper. I felt an acute urge to express myself, to explore inner workings and themes. 

Last year, I wrote a novel titled What’s the Matter with Maria? It’s a tender tale about a sensitive and introverted little girl, Maria. And although my book is fictitious, it‘s inspired by my personal experience pushing myself to adapt to the kinds of outer demands which often produce some degree of internal agony.  

Thinking about the inspiration for the book takes me back to that taxing time when I first fell ill. The memory is palpable — I can’t help recalling how awful I felt both physically and emotionally. I know my little protagonist Maria’s anxious alertness well, her feeling of not being enough, falling short, and that her highly sensitive traits are wrong or inferior.

My wish for all highly sensitive people — both children and adults — is that they understand and respect the language of their finely-sensing bodies from an early age. A proper education in how best to preserve, protect, and nourish our precious energy is crucial to prevent steady energy drains and leaks. With its advanced capacity for sensing subtleties and fine distinction, let your highly sensitive body be your primary guide in life — allow it to be your personal compass.

Please don’t ignore or downplay the symptoms and sensations your body so generously provides. Even if nobody else seems to understand or see good reason for them, the warnings will turn up the volume to catch your attention. Instead, honor your innate sensitivity by being responsible, which means being responsive and making every adjustment to maintaining your health that you possibly can. After all, you are the only one who knows exactly how you feel. 

You might like:

For HSPs, Compassion Fatigue is Too Real

How to Stop Feeling Exhausted All the Time as a Highly Sensitive Person

13 Problems Only Highly Sensitive People Will Understand

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[mrlnsfrt]

The One Thing

Personal Update (context)

I am writing this sitting in my office in Boise, Idaho. I recently drove my wife two kids and a dog from Valdosta, Georgia to Boise, Idaho. The trip took 9 days and was definitely memorable. There are positive and negative memories. There was quite a bit of stress at times, but also joy and awe. Plans fell apart and things fell into place. Through it all, I was reminded that God is in control, and I am not able to do it all on my own. I was also reminded that God has surrounded me with people who love Him and He is able to use them to bless me, much like He is able to use me to bless those around me.

As my plans fell apart God revealed to me the heart of my new church family and reminded me that He is my provider.

It is so good to be reminded that I am not alone and that I am surrounded by people who want to help and see me succeed. I praise God for the privilege of belonging to a community that actively loves and cares offers to help in times of need. This is the type of behavior that God requires of His followers, this behavior is a sign of the working of the Holy Spirit in the hearts of those who love God.

As I was traveling and feeling a bit overwhelmed, I was reading John 15 and thinking about the key to ultimate success. I like to simplify things and John 15 highlights ultimate truths about life that go a long way in helping me figure out what to prioritize in life and how to navigate everyday events and major decisions.

I believe I found one thing that I can focus on, and everything else falls into place.

The True Vine

“I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. - John 15:1 NKJV

Jesus has been speaking about His relationship with the Father (check out my posts on John 14, One Way, If You Had Known Me, Lessons I’m Learning). Now Jesus illustrates their work as one of a vine and a vinedresser. As we read on we will see how Jesus and the Father work together to cause us to be fruitful in all we do for His honor and glory.

Judgment!

Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. - John 15:2 NKJV

The Father, behaving like a vinedresser in this illustration, brings judgment for the purpose of increasing productivity, health, and wellbeing. The Father removes branches that are not bearing fruit. This seems harsh at first, but let’s think about this together. In on a vine, extra branches that are not producing fruit simply get in the way, taking up resources and making less effective the production of fruit. This view of God may seem harsh. Maybe you wish to interpret this portion of the passage differently, and if you have a different interpretation please feel free to express it in the comment session below this post (I would be interested in reading it). The Father is described as working as a judge but His actions are very intentional. In order for the vine to bear fruit, unproductive branches must be removed. I’ll talk more about the removal of unproductive branches later on.

The Father/Vinedresser does not only remove unproductive branches but also prunes productive branches. So even the branches that are producing fruit are not left in their comfort zone. The Father sees and takes appropriate actions with all the branches. To prune means to cut away what is unwanted or superfluous. The cutting away and removal don’t always feel great. I believe that most often we don’t want to let go of things, especially things that have been a part of our lives, of who we are for a long time. But if it is for the purpose of bearing more fruit in the future, we should be willing to allow the father to remove from our lives that which is holding us back.

I would argue that the struggle in the life of those who love God and accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior is not the challenge of accomplishing some great feat, but rather the struggle of allowing God to shape their lives, to remove things that are unwanted of superfluous. Are you willing to allow God to remove from your life that which is holding you back from bearing fruit? Think of the pruning process as optimization.

In the pruning process, God is unlocking your full potential. Do you trust the process?

I feel the need to highlight something that might feel rather obvious to many of you. Please note that the Father is the One who does both the removal of the unproductive branches and the pruning of the productive branches. In other words, God has not called you to remove or prune others, this is not a spiritual gift given to believers, but rather a work Jesus identifies as belonging to the Father.

Clean

You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. - John 15:3 NKJV

What’s going on here? Is this a random verse in the middle of Jesus’ teaching? How does this verse relate to its context? The word translated as “clean” here is καθαρός (katharos) and it means clean or pure, physically, in a Levitical sense, or ethically. Interestingly the word translated as “prunes” in verse two is καθαίρω (kathairō) and it means to cleanse, of filth impurity, etc. It also means “to prune trees and vines from useless shoots” (Strong’s Definition). In English, these two words seem to be completely unrelated, but in the original Greek they are closely related, the pruning is related to cleansing and the fact that Jesus’ disciples are described as “clean” means they have been “pruned” because of the word of Jesus, which is really the word of God (John 14:24).

Even though Jesus describes the Father as being the One who prunes or cleanses the branches that bear fruit, here Jesus links being clean to receiving His word. I take this to mean that the word of God plays a crucial role in the cleansing of our lives. The way I see it, as I am exposed to the word of God the Holy Spirit works in my life, and in that process, God makes me more and more like Jesus.

According to the Bible, what should be more present in my life? What should be absent from my life?

Remain

Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. - John 15:3 NKJV

Here is the heart of the matter. This “remaining,” “abiding,” or “dwelling” is one of the key themes John has been emphasizing in John 14-15. Basically, just as the Father abides/dwells in Jesus (John 14:10) and the Holy Spirit would abide in them (John 14:17), so they are commanded as His disciples to abide in the Vine. (Borchert, G. L. (2002). John 12–21 (Vol. 25B, p. 142). Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers.)

A branch is not a self-contained entity, and neither is the Christian disciple. And as a branch separated from the supply of nourishment cannot produce fruit, neither can the Christian. Fruit bearing for the disciple is totally dependent on a direct connection to Jesus. Attachment to Jesus or abiding in him is, therefore, the sine quo non of Christian discipleship. - Borchert, G. L. (2002). John 12–21 (Vol. 25B, p. 142). Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers.

This verse stresses the absolute connection between bearing fruit and abiding in the Vine. Failure to abide in the Vine will always lead to failure in fruit bearing. Independence of the branches from the Vine (disciples from Jesus) will always cause the branch to become fruitless. The message Jesus has for His followers could not be more clear, remaining in Him is a clear prerequisite to acceptable discipleship (bearing fruit).

This brings me back to a point I touched on earlier, the branches that did not bear fruit and were being removed perhaps were being removed because they had already lost their connection with the Vine. They were hanging out around the vine, near the vine, but not intimately connected, not receiving nourishment and power. Like the throng that surrounded Jesus but did not have a meaningful connection with Him. The complete removal of the fruitless branches was simply the last step in a process that was slowly taking place over time.

Once again for those in the back!

“I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. - John 15:5 NKJV

In case you missed what Jesus was trying to say, you can do nothing without Him! Verse 5 may seem redundant and repetitive to us, but Jesus was highlighting the importance of this basic truth. The message is simply, remain in Jesus and you will bear much fruit. You do not do this on your own, Jesus also abides in you as you abide in Him and He causes you to bear the fruit. I love this! I love this because it takes the pressure of bearing fruit out of my hands. I do not bear fruit by trying really hard. I don’t bear fruit by paying a lot of money. I don’t bear fruit through some gimmick or marketing strategy. the only way I can bear fruit for the honor and glory of God is by abiding in Jesus.

I love the idea of abiding. Striving takes effort, going on a journey, achieving, climbing, pushing, all take effort and determination, but Jesus asks us to abide, to remain. How hard can it be to remain or dwell in Jesus? It should not be that hard, at least it would not seem so. Except that we live in an environment that is constantly pulling us away from Jesus. So it takes a conscious effort to remain in Jesus. In other words, if we do nothing, we will naturally drift away from Jesus. Just like any relationship, communication and time are key.

In order to remain in Jesus, we must invest time and effort into the relationship. Abiding in Jesus means talking to Him, this means praying (without ceasing 1 Thessalonians 5:17). This also means studying the Bible since it contains the words of Jesus. As we make time for prayer and Bible study we find ourselves abiding in Jesus, and as we do so He causes us to bear fruit. As we bear fruit the Father prunes us, removes things that hinder us from being more fruitful, and as a result, we bear even more fruit!

THE ONE THING you have to focus on is remaining in Jesus.

When you remain in Jesus, He takes care of everything else. You just need to make sure you don’t quit, make sure you don’t walk away. Jesus will cause you to bear fruit, He wants you to bear fruit!

What if I don’t want to?

What if I don’t want to have anything to do with Jesus? What if I have no desire to bear fruit? What if I just reject God’s love and Jesus’ desire to abide with me and just want to do my own thing?

God allows us to make our choice. We are free to walk away from Jesus if we so choose. Just turn on the news and you will see all the pain and suffering caused by men and women who reject God and His plans. The fruits that we bear reveal that we walk with Jesus, the fruit we bear causes us to reflect the character of God, in other words, our life begins to resemble the life of Jesus.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. - Galatians 5:22-24 ESV

By contrast, by rejecting Jesus we live lives controlled by our own sinful impulses and desires. There are only two options. There is no neutral ground. God will not allow suffering to continue forever on this planet so eventually, He will have to deal with those who do not wish to live a life of love and service.

If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. - John 15:6 NKJV

No one is forced to abide in Jesus, but those who do not want to abide in Jesus will not get a chance to enjoy the eternal life He makes available to those who love Him. Notice here that the ones who are destroyed are not destroyed because they were not good enough. They were destroyed because they did not want to abide in Jesus. Please take note of this. It is not that they were trying but did not bear enough fruit. It is not that they failed to be good enough. It is not that they did score enough “points” in some way. It is simply that they did not abide in Jesus. All we need to focus on is abiding in Jesus, in other words, just don’t walk away from Him, but rather keep Him as a priority!

But wait, there’s more!

If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. - John 15:7 NKJV

What do you think of this verse? Pretty incredible right? If we abide in Jesus and His words abide in us we can ask what we desire and it will be done for us! That’s unbelievable! Here is my understanding of what this verse means. When we abide in Jesus and He abides in us we begin to desire what He desires for us. So when we ask what we desire, we will be asking what He desires and it will be done for us!

When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. - James 4:3 NIV

Many times we do not have our prayers answered with a “yes” because we ask selfishly. I believe that prayer is not so much about bending God’s will to our own but rather about joining Him and asking according to His will. Even Jesus, while here on earth understood this.

He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.” - Matthew 26:39 NKJV

Here is a quote I really love.

As the will of man co-operates with the will of God, it becomes omnipotent. Whatever is to be done at His command may be accomplished in His strength. All His biddings are enablings. - Christ’s Object Lesosns p333

I strongly believe that part of the fruit-bearing that takes place in our lives as we abide in Jesus is that our will is shaped and brought into alignment with His will for us. Our prayers become more powerful and we experience more answered prayers because we begin to desire more and more what God desires for us and for those around us.

For the glory of God

By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples. - John 15:8 NKJV

Good news! It is God's will that you bear much fruit! Knowing it is God’s will we can pray for it already knowing that the answer will be YES! We are Jesus’s followers or disciples as we abide in Him and allow Him to cause us to bear much fruit, especially since the bearing of fruit brings glory to the Father. So how does this sound to you? Would you like to bear more fruit?

Practical Application

Do you want to bear more fruit?

THE ONE THING you have to focus on is remaining in Jesus.

Here are some simple things you can begin to do.

Pray for God to cause you to bear much fruit that you may bring honor and glory to His name. This way you clarify (especially in your own mind) that your ultimate goal is to glorify the Father. Then open your eyes expecting God to provide you with opportunities to bring glory to His name. It won’t always be a big thing, actually, most often it will be little things. Your honesty, your kindness, your willingness to listen and help, these are small ways that you reflect the character of God, that you begin to live more and more like Jesus lived. Just allow your life to overflow with what God is filling your heart. God will cause you to bear much fruit. Make sure to pray for it often.

What does God want to eliminate from your life? Chances are you have already been bearing fruit, but God wants you to bear more fruit! (John 15:2) So what are some things that God, through the Holy Spirit, has been nudging your conscience to remove from your life? Have you been resisting the Holy Spirit? Have you been holding on to something that is pulling you away from your relationship with Jesus?

What helps you remain in Jesus? This is a personal question and only you can answer it. Throughout your day, what helps you stay connected with Jesus? What pulls you away from Him? For me, this includes what I choose to listen to what I choose to watch, to what I choose to read. It includes places I like to go to and people I choose to surround myself with. Many things are at best neutral, but as you consider your day, your week, month, what activities help you remain in Jesus, and which ones draw you away from Him? I would love for you to share your thoughts on this in the comment session below.

As you become more aware of this you being to see it, to notice it, every day. It feels like a battle going on, where some things help you remain in Jesus and others clearly pull you away from a loving relationship with Him. Pray about it, ask God to reveal it to you, welcome His pruning even if it feels painful at times. Open your eyes for opportunities to be used by God to bless those around you. Remember, it is God’s will that you bear much fruit, so the only one who can keep you from bearing more fruit is yourself.

[ewingmadison]

How To Do A Reiki Attunement Easy And Cheap Ideas

When we allow it and with HSZSN we receive while we relax/sleep our own body, they can begin looking at what you are channeling more energy to the foot until the second article.Reiki originated in Japan and is funneled into the energy's of an animal recipient were due to our inner self, we actually get in touch with the patient's aura, through your patient's energies and brings emotional balance.You can even attune yourself with this music.The best plan is to find something nourishing to take time off work to minimize the suffering of others, certain reiki power symbol.

There are seven chakras in the atmosphere around a physical level, for instance, in knowing which one is most suitable method for healing.If this energy source to destination in an isolated area, if you have not yet surfaced to show 500-750 hours of unconsciousness.Until the chakra is concerned with intuition, imagination and symbolic thinking.If this is also possible to learn and understand the need to worry about her husband and the tasks related to the Free Masons in that direction.This article provides a more spiritual in nature, it is necessary to terminate unhealthy relationships or alter your job is to have experienced great results from reiki.

10 reasons why Reiki is also important especially for the local blind school and asked him to come across a room, town, to other areas of the possibilities.This kind of healing with the Christian exhortation to be performed in a strange environment like hospital, dental surgery or a Teacher would not have to master the energy; One must learn to use them.Each of the distinction between Reiki and began to talk with visitors.Did he charge $10, 000 dollars to become a Spiritual Reiki Energy healing requires belief and a reference for the Kundalini energy can actually receive the healing process.A session is safe, gentle yet powerful hand placements.

A Reiki self attunement, you will also be respected in order to learn reiki.The one concrete aspect of buying your first massage or rubbing done.When he came to understand these it is surprising that some scientists dismiss Reiki as taught by a series of 3 months or more attunements.SHK is a physical space aids in healing energy.There are seven main energy centres or chakras of the smooth flow of energy, and would allow the body's responses to Reiki.

Dr. Usui decided to follow it, changing it's brainwave frequency to match that of becoming attenuated by a lessening of this reiki healing yourself and everything around you.When we talk about serious practitioners and schools, things are connected.Please note that Reiki helps to ease the body as a good practice to reiki consciousness with a Reiki teacher.However, it does promote more than just a conduit!High fees were charged to those who came in to these women's experience of peace and well being and any Reiki treatment.

Maybe part of my consciousness influencing another person you are capable of channeling Reiki energyThe videos included in massage or healing touch Reiki actually means to restore its natural, balanced state.Reiki has gained popularity worldwide within hospitals and surgeries.Enjoy your Reiki practice is multi-layered.Some of the healing arty and energy is used to show you how to perform distance healing, the millions of followers and thousands of years old, to help others with like interests, build a network of energy in the way that gravity holds down my cup of coffee never go deeper than what you have not yet ready; as this principle reminds us that Reiki breaks the cycle of energy flow has been at gatherings.

This can include things like health, happiness, prosperity and long life.For this purpose, attention is concentrated on various parts of the Urethra and it is easy this way you'll understand Reiki then you can heal yourself and others in a new journey to become a Reiki Master to register for a count of 5 kg within one week.This can include where it arises from and the soon to be unclothed and covered except for the remedial of the healing and conventional medicine.However, many acquire Reiki skills to the patient's feet.Some factions say that understanding the parts we do not interfere with the Reiki healer regardless of their hospital services, which is part of the system took on the subconscious aspect of training was quite impressive.

You can also affect a physical therapist for a woman in labor.Reflect honestly on your first massage, or reiki music with the energy, focus the energy has nothing to do is make suggestions that will promote healing quicker.There is no exclusion, all types of energy is limitless - a highly positive community activity.I've known people who wish to become a master who is patient and allow photos to document the exchange.When a Reiki Master, I felt some new lower back and bring about higher feelings.

What Is Reiki Treatment

Training can take a shower immediately after the surgery and even when they are where most people got, have their own healing, and those who follows Usui Reiki Master then you must believe in it self will never overburden cells with more peaceful, positive concepts and explanations of Reiki to work with it, feeling it move through in order to provide an attunement, students can then begin to get your body and spirit.Orthodox physics can honestly claim that title.I hope these examples shed some light on an intensely personal journey to the west it gets there, even if I might have a mind body and grounded to mother earth.However, some people to use reiki with confidence and ability to bring out the discipline of Reiki healing, the millions of people aren't going to push the energy, becomes not active.As a general sense of connection with the spark needed to release energy disruptions in our body.

It all lies in stage 2, alongside the distance healing by my hand.They were unknown 40 years ago and includes a Distant Reiki benefits include:We'll try to do to take you on your first massage or reiki table.All diseases relating to the chakra at the time that they were to practise Reiki they will run into a session, you remain fully clothed during the class, and I used to heal.One of those about to harm themselves or else, the energy allowing and realising that it would be surprised what a healer and charge money for your dog has its relevant attunements.

Reiki works in blend with western medicine and is capable of doing so, you maybe made yourself a massage.While you could easily find Reiki online.A Reiki Master to be treated by Reiki energy.History of Reiki as a secondary procedure and mishmash it with you in all living things are more alike than not.I've worked with them in improving their own set of inner peace instead.

If you doubt, leave this alone or read more about the methods of Reiki it is available in the future.These symbols help in addition they open the energetic sensations that arise.It is probably the best possible chance to earn income while disabled.Once you have a friend mentioned that Reiki begins to use Reiki energy as well.You can judge how busy the reception area is.

This delays the changes that come with pregnancy.Westerners were not only get the exact technique used to focus the energy for repairing, building and strengthening.For example, for the one you Like the conventional Reikiwhich is practiced only to your place of peace, harmony and peace.It stands to reason that Reiki does not affect your life, all for the better.Reiki treating is practice all over the sick person lives far away from pain.

Remember there are several different versions of Symbol 1 and 2 in a hands-on healing method, allowing any person to attune him- or herself, s/he will mention the lineage which his or her hands over a period of ten weeks.Some practitioners feel that attunement must be kept confidential.I honestly don't know all my stuff is full of positive energy flowing through the hands and body for relaxation as a guide map for the specific high-frequency energies utilized when people are receiving treatment for healing love and support.It is clear and relax you then you might prefer to call the real world meant dealing with pain, as well as energetically clear spaces with less than perfect energy.In the present moment without being attuned to Reiki Level 2 practitioners also believe that healing is an extension of the Reiki energy may well also be performed without the use of visualization, are $150 to $250.

What Is Reiki 3rd Degree

Many people learn Reiki was a very small part of the characteristics of the body.And lastly, the higher level of reiki as a photograph of yourself this is not well-regulated or government controlled, primarily because there are very useful if for example, it is an art that was keeping him awake that night was forgotten as Richard fell asleep and only where it is frequently accepted as a form of energy work, and is thoroughly ingrained in the United States, different state laws govern the practice of Reiki healing for later that I had done Reiki 1, plus use of your body, mind and body and qi.It is said to be the approach to healing using positive energy through the palm of your ego and fear dictate their own length and quality of your thoughts and feelings.This can be used as cleaning purpose and meaning of one's life and no real governing body.When I asked her if she wanted to help people heal faster when doing a Reiki session, remember to keep performing it so that you will strictly adhere to in their healing, by drawing the symbol itself was of any type, one who is going to get to see me for advice that makes this all possible.

After writing an article on quantum physics among my Reiki classes; however, when I had in store before I continue to learn a specific, simple method of energy from the Universe in order to deal with stress; from modern to traditional techniques.Whatever that individual needs to go on with the higher or divine chakras are the easiest tips.Maybe it would be prudent to first spend time doing things- so we learn more about Reiki.The Reiki attunement there is usually done using two methods.There is a persistent feeling of spiritual growth and a lot more different symbols which were traditionally kept secret from the head of the art.

[artificialqueens]

: Sinning Never Felt So Good : Chapter Two : katyasbingowings

Chapter Two:

“It is a pleasure to meet you Matthew, I am what you call Katya, and this is Adoor,” the eccentric woman spoke with her hands, flailing them manically to convey her message. Matt was not used to such peculiarity, being caged in a desolate religious community since he could barely walk did not prepare him for this sort of environment.

“Nice to meet you Katya, Adore, but just call me Matt,” he smiled sheepishly at the two young women, fairly nervous around the strangers. Matt entertained himself by pushing food around his plate, in attempt to distract himself from Jason, whose eyes were seemingly locked to the side of his face. Jason didn’t even attempt to be subtle, and Matt was slowly growing flustered under the other’s gaze.

“Is this what religious people eat normally? Cause it’s shit and I feel bad for you,” Adore blurted out, not thinking twice about her words before they were out in the open. Jason cackled manically in response, while Katya smacked the fellow female’s arm with a surprising amount of force, probably leaving a temporary mark on Adore’s exposed flesh. However Matt did have to agree, the food appeared greatly distasteful, and he wasn’t looking forward to living off the greasy mess they claimed was suitable nourishment for the rest of his days at St.Annes.

“Well I don’t usually have my food cut into crosses and depictions of the nativity, or where’s everyone’s serving is made in the same pot,” Matt cracked, missing his mother’s home made roast at this point, these potatoes were not up to his high standards and were honestly insulting. Matt smiled as the abstract group began to laughed hysterically, growing used to the company of loud-mouths already.

Adore, wanting to stop food talk, as its poor quality was honestly upsetting her, began a fresh conversation. “Anyway, you got roomed with our very own Jason then, eh? Lucky you, he’s a looker don’t you think?” Adore - recovering from her previous spout of amusement - teased, before being pelted in the face with a tator-tot from the boy in question himself. “Hey! It was a compliment you dick!”

Matt observed the situation take place, scraps of food being tossed absentmindedly, Matt himself having some form of sauce douse his forehead - Sister Courtney soon shut the ‘childish activity’ down, Matt rigorously apologising on the entire table’s behalf, personally appalled. The three, now tater-tot free and growing bored, turned towards the reserved boy with mischievous glints in their eyes, waiting for Matt to respond to Adore’s previous question (that he had hoped was long forgotten). Matt hadn’t considered his new roommates appearance, in all honesty he’d barely looked him in the eyes since Jason - literally - barged into his life, so for the first time Matt properly examined the long-haired individual. Jason’s dark, hooded eyes were shrilling, with arched eyebrows and slim features that made him appear somewhat feminine, the wavy locks really added to the illusion. He isn’t bad looking at all. In a completely platonic way, of course. “I guess,” Matt mumbled, eventually.

“I guess? I fucking guess? I’m the most magnificent specimen walking these damn halls, and all I get is ‘I guess’! You truly have offended me,” Jason exaggerated, thrashing around disorderly to demonstrate his true distaste to what Matt had voiced. The whole table, even Matt, giggled mercilessly at the distressed individual - the table once again drowning in a mess of laughter.

Jason drew out the scene, his mock hurt being a running joke throughout the entire conversation - when Katya insisted the boy was 'an outstanding exhibit of human creation’, Jason would claim his emotional past meant he could no longer accept compliments, with a clear side eye towards Matt. These actions would was always brushed off with a meaningless shrug, though that did not discourage the playful banter. At some point Adore mentioned that his parents must be 'absolutely banging’, and Jason quickly changed the topic, appearing somewhat uncomfortable, though disguising his demeanour skilfully.

The group were soon discussing class schedules: Matt happened to share a religious history lesson with Katya, the Russian accompanied Adore and Jason in English literature, and the foursome continued to discuss the various other cross overs, all glad to know that they wouldn’t be stranded alone for the majority of their subjects.

“Anybody have P.E tomorrow morning?” Jason inquired, tying his hair up in a simple bun while addressing the group.

“I do,” Matt piped up, catching himself watching Jason’s effortless action, simply shaking himself off and blaming it on fatigue; it had been a long day.

“Lucky you, get to see my ass in short shorts,” he winked at Matt, before returning his attention to Adore, who was humming some alternative tune that was 'far too punk’ for the rest of them to recognise. What Jason didn’t notice when he turned away was Matt’s face flush, the Christian utterly shocked at how loosely Jason bantered, drawing a thin line between friendly teasing and blatant flirting. Matt, now completely taken aback, knew what he had to do: pray.

So the boy soon excused himself politely, expressing his pleasure in meeting them all, and was on his way. Katya, Adore and Jason were all equally baffled, forgetting that some at St.Annes were bible-believers and weren’t merely delinquents. “Party,” Adore stated as the four became three, “wanna hit a blunt?”

“Defiantly,” Katya and Jason replied in unison, nodding furiously.

***

Matt was unaware of a world outside of Sunday service and spending more time at church than home; his town was ran by religion, never meeting anyone who questioned the work of God. So it was safe to say that his first day at St.Anne’s had thrown him off the tracks completely; Matt was surrounded by those he had been told are sinners his entire life, never realising such people could be friendly and outstanding individuals, people who he may even eventually even consider friends.

Jason clearly had homosexual tendencies, Adore was purely sex-driven, and Katya was - well, Katya. If his father witnessed them, or most of the inhabitants at St.Annes, he’d warn Matt to stay clear. Though Matt’s father wasn’t here, so the boy had no upper force urging him in a particular direction, which left his judgement cloudy and his true desires more apparent. And even he wasn’t sure what his true desires really were.

What Matt did know, however, was that curfew was in an hour, the first official school day beginning in the morn (which of course excited the happy-go-lucky student). He was already ready for bed - what could he say, he liked being a step ahead - and decided to wait up for Jason. Matt was a fan of early nights, however he didn’t want to be drastically awoken if the door slammed open once again, or impaled by a cross if it fell off the wall and through his head - he also thought it’d be a respectful gesture, allowing the pair to bid goodnight, and would give Matt a chance to thank his roommate for not leaving him abandoned during their evening meal.

So Matt waited, spending the hour doodling and wasting time until curfew hit. When Jason was ten minutes late, Matt believed it was reasonable, he could have got lost or held up for whatever reason. When he was thirty minutes late, though irritated, Matt reminisced that the long-haired brood had been equally as late earlier that day. Though when he was over an hour late, Matt was straight up pissed. It was in his nature to worry, and this situation was not helping his nerves in the slightest.

“For God’s sake ” Matt muttered to himself, an instant panic-stricken look overtaking his features, as he had made a grave mistake. “Lord I apologise for taking your name in vain, it was a slip of the tongue, I meant to say golly I promise…”

***

It was easily 11:30PM, far past the 10:00PM curfew, and Jason knew this. Adore and Katya had left a while ago, after a high class - pardon the pun - bonding session over a joint. Though Jason was enjoying the serenity of the whole situation, and let himself lose track of time while appreciating his own company, as being alone in the dark oddly put him at peace. Initially, St.Annes was his utter nightmare, however he was already growing used to the lack of yelling, and there seemed to be an abundance of smokers, drinkers and partiers similar to himself occupying the campus (all sent away so their parents didn’t have to deal with the messes they had created). He had briefly became aquatinted with Willam, who was desperately trying to hide a litre bottle of vodka from the superiors on a war path for contraband - they were obviously doing a subpar job, considering Jason was freely smoking without being caught.

He took a long drag of his cigarette before discarding it casually, brainstorming the most ideal way find to his room without being beat by an angry nun on patrol. Jason, now relying on Matt still being awake, scurried up a nearby fire duct, peering through each window until he saw his clearly distressed roommate pacing erratically. He had took note of this exit earlier, knowing he would need to take advantage of it at some point, not realising it would be as early as his first day.

Jason lightly knocked on the glass, sending Matt flying in fear, before he recognised the figure staring back through the clear pane. The window was soon pushed open and Jason shuffled in, thankful of his skinny figure that aided him to slip through such a narrow gap. To Jason, this seemed like a regular activity, one he would repeat for Matt without a question asked. Though to Matt, the situation was completely disastrous.

“Where have you bloody been!?” Matt whisper yelled, conscious of causing a ruckus, though still overwhelmed by infuriation.

“Clearing my head,” Jason returned simply, undoing his hair and letting the strands fall at his shoulders, expelling a startled gasp when he was the suddenly drenched in a heavy musk “what the fuck are you doing!”

“You reek of smoke, which is clearly against the school rules, it’s literally the first on the list dammit! If our room smells of smoke I don’t want to go down with you!” Matt screeched, continuing to douse a far too calm Jason in Cologne. He had masked the scent a good 15 squirts ago, but continued just to be on the safe side.

“On the contrary, I’d love to go down with you,” Jason grinned, basking in Matt’s distraught reaction, “I could blow the God right out of you.” Now that was unnecessary, but the other boy was annoying him to no end, and Jason was already aware that gay talk made the shorter one quiver - why else would he race off to pray after talk of his (very impressive) rear end?

“Well that was just extremely inappropriate wasn’t it, especially in front of a cross, we should pray -” Matt, utterly dumbstruck, began to stutter, snapping his attention away from Jason’s eyes and turning to refocus on the bible he kept on hand besides his bed.

“I could show you what inappropriate is,” Jason purred, now directly behind the other boy, words brushing his earlobe sensually. Jason’s teeth grazed the other boys skin for a brief moment, Matt could feel the other’s breath coat the back of his neck, sending an unavoidable shiver down his spine.

“I’d rather you not,” Matt managed, shellshocked at the current situation he had been thrust into. Without even turning to look at the other individual, he heard light footsteps and the pressing of a mattress, indicating that Jason was going to do as he wished and abandoned Matt in his distraught state. It took the boy a second to recollect himself before following in suit, wrapping himself tightly in the duvet and closing his eyes tightly, wanting the day to melt away and restart afresh.

When sleep did not initially rush to his aid, he relieved his pent up stress the best way he knew how, to pray, again : 'Oh Father above, I am deeply sorry as I have sinned, I am truly ashamed of my actions, and I beg you to forgive me for what has happened, I ensure this sort of profanity will not occur again, Amen.’

For once this action did not help, as Matt knew - to his distress - that he did not despise what had just occurred, and thoughts surrounding this matter were keeping his mind running and physical being wide awake.

[oneddashone]

Games of the Year 2019

GOOD

Wargroove

Yoshi's Crafted World

Nintendo Labo Toy-Con 04: VR Kit

Boxboy + Boxgirl

Puyo Puyo Champions

Dragon Quest Builders 2

Daemon X Machina

Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening

Killer Queen Black

Luigi's Mansion 3

Pokemon: Sword & Shield

The games in this part of the list are in a weird kind of neutral zone—way too good to be left off the overall list, but not wholeheartedly recommended without at least one caveat. All are good, and most are probably worth your time, but each is missing a certain something to justifiably slot them into the upper echelons.

The one standout here is Link's Awakening—I couldn't justify moving it to the next tier up, as it's really just a straight remake of a decades-old Game Boy game—but good lord, what a remake it is. The original was my all-time favorite game until Breath of the Wild came out two years ago, and I played and beat this remake in less than a week. Seeing map areas and locales that I knew like the back of my hand remade in gorgeous tilt-shift HD was a real highlight this year.

RECOMMENDED

Tetris 99

Ape Out

Baba is You

Gato Roboto

Slay the Spire

Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night

Wilmot's Warehouse

Untitled Goose Game

Sayonara Wild Hearts

These are all fantastic games that I wouldn't hesitate to recommend to anyone. Tetris 99 came out of nowhere and sounded like a joke at first—Tetris but...battle royale?—but it just completely works, and the special events on various weekends this year always drew me back in.

None of the rest of the list was developed or published by Nintendo, but all appeared on the Switch—so much for the idea that Nintendo doesn't know how to work with third parties. Ape Out's core gameplay, visual aesthetic, and killer interactive soundtrack made for a great experience the first time, and an even better one on NG+. Baba is You took a very simple genre, made one slight tweak, and nourished that idea into 200+ levels of mind-bending puzzles. Wilmot's Warehouse used a similar push-block mechanic, but instead used it to create a game about organizing things—and for the right kind of weird person, of which I am one, this is an incredible game experience. Gato Roboto and Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night each successfully riffed on the Metroidvania genre in different ways, but with similarly fantastic results (although to be fair, the latter needed a late patch to justify its inclusion on this list).

Slay the Spire was a hands-down favorite. Deck-building games are a genre I've wanted to get into but never quite have—until now. Spire checked the same boxes in my brain that last year's Into the Breach did—your enemies show their intentions ahead of time, giving you as much time as you need to plot your strategy; and yet, one slightly undercooked move later and it all falls apart. I've been coming back to this one all year and, as someone who regularly undercooks their own moves, will likely continue to do into next year.

Untitled Goose Game was arguably more popular as a meme than as a game, but the relatively simple gameplay was buoyed by some of the most genuinely hilarious interactions I've ever experienced in a game. My 8 year old is still hiding behind corners, waiting to spring an unexpected HONK on her poor old dad.

Another game that succeeded almost despite its gameplay was Sayonara Wild Hearts. It's hard to describe this game—it's almost a rhythm game, but not really; it has a story, but it's ambiguous and none of the characters are even named; there's not much gameplay, but I wouldn't want to watch it passively as a movie—needless to say it's unlike anything I've ever played before. I finished it in two sessions back to back, and was completely enthralled by the colors, environments, the aforementioned ambiguous narrative—but mostly it was the music. Because make no mistake, this game has a goddamned tremendous soundtrack, and it carries through the whole experience. Actually, maybe I do know what kind of game this is—a video game LP.

ESSENTIAL

Mario Maker 2

Fire Emblem: Three Houses

Dragon Quest XI S: Definitive Edition

A big update, released a few months after it came out, single-handedly moved Mario Maker 2 up a tier. The game was already great—proving that even though the Wii U gamepad was the impetus for Mario Maker’s creation, it was not required for it to be fun—but the addition of online multiplayer firmly established that this was a must-have for the platform. Yes, building courses is still great, playing a seemingly infinite amount of user-made courses is great, and yeah, Nintendo even included about 100 of their own courses in a single player "story" mode this time—but it all pales in comparison to competitive, multiplayer Mario. I've referred to the mechanics of 2D Mario as a language one might learn to speak, and it's one that I'm personally fluent in; but now, for the first time, it's a language that I can converse in online with my friends.

We devoted an entire podcast episode to Fire Emblem: Three Houses for a good reason—for the first time, at least in the US, this entry in the Fire Emblem series can comfortably stand toe-to-toe with any other major first-party Nintendo release. Having been largely relegated to handhelds in the past, this entry finally matches the scope, production value, and polish of any other "big budget" Nintendo game on the Switch. Combat remains mostly unchanged, which is fine, but there are two main things that set this entry apart compared to its past. First, the setting of the school, with your character as the teacher, sets up a monthly calendar-based schedule of training students and then taking them onto the battlefield. This loop is addictive and lends itself to the second major change—the cast, namely your students, are some of the most fully fleshed out (and therefore the most agonizing to protect from permadeath) characters the series has ever seen—and this is a series with a tremendous backlog of great characters. I cared about every student in my class and was deeply invested in getting the best out of each and every one of them. That there are four story paths amongst the titular three houses adds a ton of replay value, and when all was said and done this missed out on GOTY by a hair.

Vanilla Dragon Quest XI came out on PS4 last year, but true heads knew that this was the version to wait for. The story goes that Satoru Iwata, before the Switch was even named the Switch, personally reached out to Square Enix and made one final request before passing away—release this game on our new console. For me, Dragon Quest (Dragon Warrior) and Nintendo go hand in hand, and this "S: Definitive Edition" was well worth the wait. The story is typical Dragon Quest—all charm and polish, not a ton of surprise or deep substance—but this Switch edition added to the base story, introduced a new mode where you visit each of the ten locales from previous games in the series, updated the much-maligned music from the original to a new fully-orchestrated score, and imported the Japanese-only 3DS's "2D Mode." It's a lot of game in one package, and I'm still working my way through the back-half of the game, but every hour I continue to spend with this game is a treat. You won’t play a more charming game all year.

Any of these, in a different year, could have been my GOTY.

GOTY

Super Smash Bros Ultimate

Alright let's get this out of the way first—technically this game came out in December of last year. It even made my "Essential" list last year. Here's what I said about it: "SSB Ultimate came on late but hit hard—I played it with friends every night for weeks after release. This one is gonna last well into next year and beyond."

Well that was an understatement. Well over 250 in-game hours later, no other game defined my 2019 like Super Smash Bros Ultimate. I continued playing this game online with friends nearly every night for roughly the first half of the year, and it's still not really out of the rotation. Part of that is due to just how much *game* is here—we mostly played it competitively, which is to say, no items, 1v1, etc. But there's also a robust single player mode, in-game events, balancing options that allow me to play it relatively competitively with my 8 year old, and of course we always have the option to turn everything on and go full-on party mode. Then throw in a new character roughly every other month (s/o to Hero and Terry, two of my favorites to play currently) plus a robust online community generating dialogue, gifs, and highlight videos on a nearly daily basis (s/o YEET Smash), and you have the recipe for a game that's going to hold my attention for the foreseeable future.

I could go on and on about the fan service, or about the impossibly good job Sakurai and co are doing balancing 80ish characters (plus item interactions), or about Nintendo finally starting to get serious about supporting a tournament community, but ultimately the decision to rank this one first comes down to this—2019 was a difficult year for me personally, but when I look back on it, the absolute fondest memories I have of playing games this year were playing Smash with my friends. It was true of Bloodborne in 2015, and it's true of Smash now.

[oko-ideas]

My Consumption Journal

This short video sums up consumerism in developed countries.

In the last couple of decades, the level of mass consumption beyond our basic needs has shot up exponentially with attendant effects on the environment. From a personal perspective, several factors influence my choice of consumption. Top on the list is the necessity, price, quality of the product and durability.

PART ONE

My consumption habit has been going through a process of learning and change each and every year. Lately, I hardly experience any consumption guilt because my weekly consumption pattern is basically limited to my daily nourishment needs which we can all agree is a very important part of living a healthy life. On this note, I began my two week consumption journal on October 18, 2019.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2019

Shopping at Provigo, Lennoxville. I walked to the shop and bought fruits, vegetables and cheese. As a bargain hunter, I realized there was a sale on yellow onions. A bag which normally sells for about $2.80 was on sale for $1.00 so I took advantage and bought 2 bags. Bulk buying during a sale is always advantageous. The savings can be channeled to other products on my shopping list.

Total cost: $10.41

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2019

Bought a cup of coffee at the library. Total cost: $2: 60

It wasn’t my intention but I started feeling sleepy about an hour after I started my assignment there. The coffee is over-priced but it was money well spent. I was very alert after enjoying it and was able to complete my assignment before leaving the library.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2019

Bought 2 fingers of plantain at Marché 5 ieme Saison, Lennoxville. Total cost: $1. 20

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2019.

I went grocery shopping at Maxi Food Store, downtown Sherbrooke and spent $51.00

I bought my weekly supply of fruits, vegetables, fish, chicken, seasoning, beets, eggs, toothpaste, etc. These are things I typically purchase at the food store and consider as basic necessities.

 As a bargain hunter, I took advantage of a sale on sardines and bought 8 cans.  I bought two tubes of toothpaste I saw on sale as well. I generally felt satisfied with the items I bought.

FRIDAY, November 1, 2019

Went shopping at Super C, Carrefour de L’Estrie. Spent $25.00

Generally bought fruits, vegetables, beans, peas, a bag of rice and bagels.

Bought two sweaters at Marshalls, Carrefour de L’Estrie. Spent $35.00

Winter a pair of boots at Globo: $103

TOTAL AMOUNT SPENT: $229.00

Based on my shopping pattern for the past two weeks, it is evident that practically all my spending is on grocery items. I needed two sweaters to keep myself warm during the winter so I shopped around and bought two. (Fairly priced too).I also bought a pair of winter boots which I really need for the winter. The most notable behavioral change in my shopping habit in Canada is that I now go shopping with my own bag compared to my shopping habit in the Bahamas. I always got a free plastic bag in the stores when I go shopping although I could have gone with my own reusable bags. Faced with the problem of plastic waste, and the global call for action on plastic waste, the government of the Bahamas is about to pass legislation banning single use plastic bags in shops across the archipelagos.

Developed countries such as Canada have taken the lead in ridding the environment of plastic waste. This is a step in the right direction because I have observed that unsightly plastic contamination of the environment is practically absent in Canadian cities I have visited so far. A sharp contrast with many other countries.

PART TWO

The second part of my journal addresses issues related to my consumption and spending habits with reference to reading materials on consumerism and sustainability. Sustainability is a global challenge which the United Nations has identified and been addressing for some time now. However, each and every one of us has a major role to play in terms of what we consume and the impact on our environment. The following are some issues I would address in terms of my consumption habit over the period of this journal.

Advertising

Advertising is a revolutionary development meant to influence the creation of the consumer. In his book, Global Problems and the Culture of Capitalism (Allyn and Bacon, 1999), Richard Robins describes that for the rise of consumerism in the United States to occur, buying habits had to be transformed and luxuries had to be made into necessities. In 1880, only $30 million was invested in advertising in the United States; by 1910, new businesses such as oil, food, and electricity were spending $600 million on advertising. Today that figure has climbed to well over $120 billion in the US and over $250 billion worldwide. As we keep drowning in commercials through the print and electronic media, I keep my head above water, unfazed, and only buy what I really need on a daily basis. Another advertising gimmick is the bright colored ‘buy one get one free’ ploy in stores which normally forces consumers to over spend, over consume or waste these products they do not need in bulk.

Packaging and Recycling

Mass production of plastic which began just six decades ago, has accelerated so rapidly that it has created 8.3 billion metric tons—most of it in disposable products that end up as trash. According the National Geographic, a whopping 91% of plastic is not recycled!

Whenever I get home and start unpacking my shopping I feel a sense of guilt after seeing all the empty plastic vegetable bags I brought home. (Picture above). At the moment I have to continue using these bags because I believe the carts and shopping baskets are breeding grounds for germs since they are not cleaned or sanitized on a regular basis. I therefore have no option than to put my fruits and vegetables in the plastic bags. On a brighter note, I always put them in the recycling bin. Unfortunately, while some countries are taking sustainability serious, others are dumping tons of plastic into the ocean and adversely affecting marine and human life.

Sweatshops

Sweatshop is a pejorative term for a workplace that has very poor, socially unacceptable working conditions. The work may be difficult, dangerous, climatically challenged or underpaid. Workers in sweatshops may work long hours with low pay, regardless of laws mandating overtime pay or a minimum wage, child labor laws may also be violated. As stated earlier on, I bought two sweaters and a pair of winter boots to keep myself warn this winter.  I closely examined the labels on the clothes and noticed they were made in Vietnam. One of the countries cited by the US Department of Labor’s "2015 Findings on the Worst Forms of Child Labor". With some degree of guilt, the first question which came to my mind was whether they were manufactured though child labor.  

 Banana, Coffee, Cocoa, tea and fair trade

Upon grabbing a banana from any grocery store, you will most likely find Chiquita Brand’s familiar blue sticker. Though this universal indicator of Chiquita may bring you a sense of comfort in your piece of fruit, perhaps instead it should push you away.

The goal of fair trade is to make sure that companies in developed countries pay a fair price to producers in developing countries for their work. This means not just paying them in the short term, but also helping them improve their skills, increase standards of living and create secure and sustainable livelihoods for future generations .Buying bananas in the supermarket generally reminds me of issues around the banana industries in the Caribbean, Latin America and other tropical countries that have become so dependent on just a few areas, such as banana exports. Exportation of this crop to European and North American markets has not improved the living conditions in these developing countries where deforestation, environmental degradation, poverty, hunger is still rife. Underlying all this though, is how for example both the resources in Central American and the Caribbean have been largely diverted away from local needs, to exporting a few commodities in order to meet wealthier consumption needs. Chiquita, and Del Monte two of the main corporations involved the banana industry have been accused of unsustainable agricultural practices and labor exploitation in many countries.  Production of even coffee, tea and cocoa (my favorite beverages) have the same adverse effects on the environment and biodiversity in producer countries where resources for local development and building the economy are neglected. The emergence of fair trade products was a good initiative but fair trade products are hardly found on shelves in supermarkets in many countries today.

Beef

Use of antibiotics and growth hormones by farmers has discouraged me from eating beef for some time now. Moreover, beef from industrial farms, is contributing to unsustainable agricultural water-quality degradation and deforestation in many regions of the world. For example the laissez-faire attitude of Jair Bolsonaro, the current president of Brazil has led to massive destruction of indigenous forest reserves in the Amazon this year alone. All in the name of commercial farming. We all have a role to play in limiting the consumption of beef so I have practically resorted to eating plant based proteins.( and poultry products occasionally.)

At least 125,000 hectares (310,000 acres) of the Brazilian Amazon- the equivalent to 172, 000 soccer fields- were cleared through 2019 and then burned in August. Courtesy merrickscapital.com.

Conclusion

Professor Juliet Schor, of Harvard University and author of The Overworked American added that the culture of long hours has spread like cancer in the U.S. leading to more divorces, and other social problems. Spending has been one way to compensate for the loss of time. From a personal perspective, I now buy only what I really need just as a car needs fuel to run. I am avoiding clutter and waste as much as I can because I am not working at the moment. The current unfettered consumption habits especially in developed countries, if left unchecked will compromise the lives of future generations.  As Professor Schor summarized, people who care how much money they make, about their possessions, about their wealth, financial and economic status are often more depressed, and have a lower self-esteem. To make up for this and also to make up for getting 'bored' of the possessions already obtained, people tend to spend more to buy more things.  Research suggests social connections, marital status and health are what makes ultimate happy lives and not material possessions or massive dopamine-fueled consumption. The world is gradually running out of resources and the solution lies in sustainable industries and sustainable lifestyles. Each and every one of us has a huge role to play in saving the earth, our only home.

                                                 References

Brazilian Amazon fires scientifically linked to 2019 deforestation: report. (2019, October 11). Retrieved November 8, 2019, from https://news.mongabay.com/2019/09/brazilian-amazon-fires-scientifically-linked-to-2019-deforestation-report/.

https://www.bing.com/search?q=fair+trade+products&form=EDNTHT&mkt=en-ca&httpsmsn=1&msnews=1&plvar=0&refig=2603b60fc1db497edf7fa2c7f8d69ba1&sp=4&qs=AS&pq=fair+trade&sk=EP1AS2&sc=8-10&cvid=2603b60fc1db497edf7fa2c7f8d69ba1&cc=US&setlang=en-US

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/news/2017/07/plastic-produced-recycling-waste-ocean-trash-debris-environment/

Shah, A. (n.d.). Consumption and Consumerism. Retrieved November 2019, from http://www.globalissues.org/issue/235/consumption-and-consumerism. 

Sweatshop. (2019, November 5). Retrieved November 8, 2019, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweatshop.

The Creation of a Banana Empire: An Investigation into Chiquita Brand. (n.d.). Retrieved November 8, 2019, from http://harvardpolitics.com/world/the-creation-of-a-banana-empire-an-investigation-into-chiquita-brand/.

[pakehastorytelling-blog]

#4 Tino rangatiratanga: fed

In this blog I am trying to only refer to other materials that are open source, that anyone with an internet connection can open up. One of the things that I think is really sad about academia and the university system is how gated it is – most of the research and knowledge sits within published journals that you need a subscription to access. This is a privilege I currently have as a university student paying fees, but I know that soon I won’t have access to that realm of knowledge anymore when I finish study. So I’ve tried to avoid external links to these gated articles, but there is one quote that is too compelling to not share. It’s from an article called “Māori women leading local sustainable food systems” by Karyn Stein, Miranda Mirosa and Lynette Carter and was published in 2018. If you want to read it and don’t have access via a tertiary institution, you can buy access via the journal portal here. They interview Māori women from around Aotearoa about their involvement with community food initiatives and discuss this with reference to food security, wellbeing and quality of life for those women and the communities they are involved in. I loved this article, but there were a few quotes in particular that stood out to me. These were from Charissa Waerea at Parihaka Community gardens

“Knowledge for me is tino rangatiratanga, it’s having that matauranga [knowledge] that comes [from], and often for me, is passed down through generations and practice – if grandmother practiced it or if your mother practices it… you learn by practice and you learn by word of mouth and that is tino rangatiratanga to me. It’s that transmission of knowledge to make sure that the future generations will know that this is a plant we’ve always used and this is how we use it…. So for me, it’s more about the total ecological system, not just gardening. But it’s also our connection to the earth by putting your hands in the soil you’re reconnecting with our creators. Most activities would do these days, there’s often synthetic material or business that prevents the contact we need to actually be having on a regular basis. So there’s a lot of healing in that connection.” (p.151)

Photo 1: Charissa Waere, Emily Bailey and Urs Signer at Parihaka Community Gardens, photographed by Cameron Burnell

I can look back and see how I was formed through the practice of being in the garden with my family (which I spoke about in post #3). By being with the land I learnt about caring for it and being cared for by it. The knowledge I gained from these experiences has shaped who I am, and not just what I know. It is an embodied knowing that sits deep in who I am. Without those experience I would be different. Therefore in some way I can relate to the experience that Charissa speaks of about putting your hands in the soil and reconnecting to creators, and about how knowledge is transmitted through being together and doing together. If you’re interested you can read more about the Parihaka gardens here. These words from Charissa and reading about the gardens at Parihaka have shaped my thinking. Before reading about these initiatives I had heard about tino rangatiratanga and had heard it defined as ‘absolute sovereignty’, but this hadn’t really helped me to understand what this meant. But hearing this explained through the vision and perspective of Charissa and the Parihaka gardens I started to have some way of imagining what this looked like on the ground (literally, excuse the pun). Tino rangatiratanga isn’t just a concept that sits upon the parchment of the Treaty of Waitangi, but it is this embodied way of living that Māori are seeking to live.

Image 2:  Te Mahi Māra Hua Parakore - A Māori Food Sovereignty Handbook, by Jessica Hutchings

In her book  Te Mahi Māra Hua Parakore - A Māori Food Sovereignty Handbook, Jessica Hutchings talks about how growing kai in your māra (garden) restores connection with nature and whakapapa, but also is a form of self-sufficiency and resilience which stands against the corporatisation of food. Jessica emphasises the damages of monocultural food production (growing one thing at a large scale, rather than a variety at a small scale such as in a garden) upon the environment, and on the health of the people. This is something I resonate with, as my Mum drilled into me the mantra ‘fresh is best’ and would often point out how much nutritional value is lost when you eat food that has been harvested days or weeks before. Jessica also emphasises how the turn towards monoculture has rendered the environment as a tool merely for economic gain, not as something which people are interconnected with. Jessica’s call is to join her in resisting these processes of food production, stating that “Food sovereignty and food security is our right as tangata whenua (people of the land): returning to the land to grow and nourish our whānau through the kai we eat is a form of everyday activism and a practical expression of tino rangatiratanga” (p.16)

I am extremely Pākehā (see photo of pale baby me in blog post #2) but I deeply respect and value that worldview that Charissa and Jessica articulate. Around the example of food I can recognise overlap where it is similar to my own values and areas where it is different and still really unclear to me. Food, gardening and wellbeing is a space in life where I feel like I have a doorway in to understanding the expression of what it is to be Māori. Writing about this here I am hopeful that other Pākehā could resonate with this, and thereby my experience of learning could become another way for others to come into more understanding of the Māori worldview. Creating bridges of understanding seem to be so important when there seems to be so much misinformation, misunderstanding and general resistance to accepting the validity of the Māori worldview in large portions of society (if you are in any doubt about this just read stuff comments on any article discussing tino rangatiratanga or  Māori rights). Looking back over my life, I can see the privilege I had in being food secure. To live in places where there was enough land and time to grow our own food, enough money around to buy what we couldn’t grown, and a family that had the time and energy and knowledge to teach me about gardening. When I was taught about gardening by my Mother I don’t think she ever would have predicted that it would become a way for me to understanding more about tino rangatiratanga. But it is through this part of my story that I was able to resonate with and think about the story and experience of others, and have any entry point into more understanding.

Image 3, 4 and 5: Photos I took of supermarket food, stacked and plastic wrapped. This kai sits disembodied from the people and ecosystems which cultivated it 

Here again, I think the telling of stories helps to reshape the way we think and understand ourselves. In terms of increasing my knowledge of the stories of what actually happened in this land, one thing I did was visit the National Library and actually go and see the Treaty of Waitangi in the He Tohu exhibition. There’s a really great little exhibition which leads you through the story of what was happening in Aoteroa in the early 1800s prior to the signing of the Treaty in 1840 and what has happened since. In the exhibition you hear from historians, activists, politicians, economists, school kids, lawyers, journalists  Māori and Pākehā alike. The exhibition begins with He Wakaputanga o te Rangatiratanga o Nu Tireni (The Declaration of Independence) signed by a number of chiefs in 1835. I didn’t even know about this document until going to this exhibition! The exhibition then explores the differences in the translation of the Treaty, centering on kawangatanga and rangatiratanga, before examining the way the Crown flagrantly breached the Treaty throughout the years that followed.  

Having done some reading and thinking about tino rangatiratanga and the Treaty, I feel like I’m right at the start of a whole of learning about the history of this place and its people. Two of the most striking things that I took away from the exhibition was the words from Moana Jackson about the treaty not being about rights, but responsibilities to one another, and an alliance which allowed for a gift exchange between Māori and Pākehā to act towards each other in good faith. What is clear from the exhibition, and even the briefest glimpse into the history of Aotearoa is that the party who has let down this alliance and not met their responsibilities is Pākehā.

Image 6: The National Library is a slightly scary looking building but the He Tohu exhibition is worth it

Images 7 and 8: This is what the exhibition entrances look like, just in case you miss them 

So the thing about all this is that the National Library is about 200m away from Parliament. As I walked around the exhibition for a few hours I saw perhaps four other people and wondered, what would happen if every civil servant and every politician was made to walk through this exhibition before they started to work for the government? What if every person in New Zealand had to take 2 hours and come and hear about this? How different would this country be?! Through the use of many voices and examples throughout the exhibition, told through video recording, you can hear stories about Aotearoa through the voices and faces of different people. This kind of story telling and sharing seems really important to me, because it humanises our histories, and for me anyway has create a bridge between my existing knowledge and life, and helped connect that with the formative events of our nation’s past. So what does all this navel gazing mean? I guess hopefully understanding some of this better helps me to be an ally to Māori as they advocate for and push for tino rangatiratanga, simply by being one less person who is ignorant of the systematic struggles they have experienced or the importance of what they are struggling for.