#what the fuck MAN.

[bronzeagepizzeria]

As a ten tragedy enjoyer I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the gut several times

[pclungs]

The Supreme Court on Tuesday gave Texas officials permission to jail and prosecute migrants suspected of crossing the U.S. southern border without authorization, greenlighting the enforcement of a state immigration law known as SB4 that the Biden administration has called unconstitutional. Denying a request from the Justice Department, the high court allowed the controversial Texas law, one of Gov. Greg Abbott's signature immigration policies, to take effect while the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit considers the measure's legality.

[jackandthevoidstriders]

((WHAT MATPAT ACTUALLY QUIT YOUTUBE???? HELLO?????

[nonebinary-leftbeef]

in my denial stage rn crafting up the wildest theories

[skiddlecat]

Homestuck 13/04/09 SBURB BETA

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2009, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

What will the name of this young man be? Enter name. 13/04/09

ZOOSMELL POOPLORD

TRY AGAIN, SMARTASS Try again. 13/04/09

✓ JOHN EGBERT Examine room. 13/04/09

Your name is JOHN. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes.

What will you do? John: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer. 13/04/09

Your ARMS are in your MAGIC CHEST, pooplord! Remove CAKE from MAGIC CHEST. 13/04/09

Out of sympathy for John's perceived lack of arms, you pick up the CAKE for him and put it on his BED. John: Quickly retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST. 13/04/09

captchalogue x2

You retrieve your FAKE ARMS from the chest. You use these for HILARIOUS ANTICS.

You CAPTCHALOGUE them in your SYLLADEX. You have no idea what that actually means though.

There are other items in the chest. John: Examine contents of chest. 13/04/09

captchalogue x2

Colonel Sassacre's DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY

Harry Anderson's WISE GUY

In here you keep an array of humorous and mystical ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a SKILLED MAGICIAN or a CUNNING PRANKSTER.

You are neither of these things.

Among the ARTIFACTS are: TWO (2) FAKE ARMS [CURRENTLY CAPTCHALOGUED IN YOUR SYLLADEX], ONE (1) PAIR OF TRICK HANDCUFFS, ONE (1) STUNT SWORD, ONE (1) MAGICIAN'S HAT, ONE (1) PAIR OF BEAGLE PUSS GLASSES, SEVERAL (~) SMOKE PELLETS, SEVERAL (~) BLOOD CAPSULES, and ONE (1) COPY OF COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY, and ONE (1) COPY OF HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY.

Some of this stuff may come in handy at some point. For now, you decide to just take the SMOKE PELLETS. John: Captchalogue smoke pellets. 13/04/09

sylladex::captchalogue deck

You stow the SMOKE PELLETS on one of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS in your SYLLADEX.

You still aren't totally sure what that means, but you are starting to get the hang of the vernacular at least.

You have two empty CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS remaining. John: Equip fake arms. 13/04/09

You aren't totally sure if "EQUIP" is a verb copasetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which you dwell, but you give it a try anyway.

Unfortunately, you cannot access the FAKE ARMS! Their card is underneath the one you just used to captchalogue the SMOKE PELLETS. You will have to use the pellets first in order to access the arms. But this is probably unadvisable, since you'd just make your room lousy with smoke!

Your SYLLADEX'S FETCH MODUS is currently dictated by the logic of a STACK DATA STRUCTURE. You were never all that great with data structures and you find the concept puzzling and mildly irritating.

But with any hope, perhaps you will advance new, more practical FETCH MODI for your SYLLADEX with a little more experience. John: Examine Problem Sleuth Poster. 13/04/09

Is it even possible to get any more hard boiled than that? You really doubt it. This poster was one of your wisest purchases.

There is a nice spot on the wall next to it. You've been meaning to hang another poster there soon. John: Read note on drawer. 13/04/09

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

This note is rich with the aromas of FATHERLY AFTERSHAVES AND COLOGNES.

Beside the note is a ROLLED UP POSTER. John: Take poster. 13/04/09

Another BIRTHDAY ARTIFACT. You wonder what is printed on the poster.

You'll need some way to hang it on your wall. John: Acquire hammer and nails. They will come in handy. 13/04/09

You first place the HAMMER into your SYLLADEX.

But now all of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS are full. You wonder what will happen if you try to take the NAILS?

You guess it doesn't hurt to try. John: Take nails. 13/04/09

You captchalogue FOUR (4) NAILS into the top card, and push all the ARTIFACTS down a card.

The FAKE ARMS are pushed entirely out of the deck!!!

Oh well. They're probably completely useless anyway. But you probably don't want to do that again, unless you want to drop the SMOKE PELLETS and suffer the consequences.

In any case, you now feel like you have gathered enough things to get down to business and do some really important stuff. The next thing you do will probably be exceptionally meaningful. John: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk. 13/04/09

This is the dumbest idea you've had in weeks!!!

STUPID STUPID STUPID.

And yet the polished surface of your desk…

It beckons. John: Combine the nails and hammer. 14/04/09

You MERGE the top two cards.

The HAMMER and NAILS are now captchalogued on the same card and can be used together. John: Use hammer/nails on poster. 14/04/09

You use the HAMMER and NAILS card IN CONJUNCTION with the card beneath it. John: Nail poster to wall. 14/04/09

FRED SAVAGE HOWIE MANDEL

little monsters

You use the HAMMER, NAILS, and POSTER on the blank space on the wall.

It's glorious. Exactly what you wanted. The old man really came through this time. John: Examine Con Air poster. 14/04/09

CAGE CUSACK

A JERRY BRUCKHEIMER PRODUCTIONThe most dangerous criminals in the world are about to take flight. Only one man can stop them.

CON AIR

PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.

I SAID, PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.

WHY COULDN'T YOU PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX? John: Examine Deep Impact poster. 14/04/09

DEEP IMPACT

Morgan Freeman's genteel, homespun mannerisms were perfect qualities for a president residing over a crisis.

OCEANS RISE. CITIES FALL. HOPE SURVIVES.

WOW.

Films about impending apocalypse fascinate you. Plus, a black president??? Now you've seen everything! John: Examine calendar. 14/04/09

APRIL

10: BETA! [x] 13: ☺

You've marked your birthday, the 13th of April. Another day you marked was supposed to be the arrival date for the highly touted SBURB BETA LAUNCH.

It's been three days already. It's starting to become a sore subject with you. John: Eat cake. 14/04/09

Alert : ▪ ▪ ▪

You are sick to death of cake!!! You've been eating it all day. And you have no intention of clogging your SYLLADEX with it either. The CAKE stays put for now.

You hear a notice from your COMPUTER. Someone is messaging you. John: Examine incoming message. 15/04/09

[SYSTEM]

[TYPHEUS]

[PESTERCHUM]

[pff.^CAKE]

[FUCK FUCK FUCK.^CAKE]

[AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.~ATH ]

[ACTUATE] [PESTERCHUM] | 04/13 16:13

You pull up to your COMPUTER. This is where you spend most of your time. You decorated your desktop with some rather handsome WALLPAPER which you made yourself. You are really proud of it.

Your desktop is also littered with various PROGRAMMING PROJECT FILES. You are so bad at programming sometimes you wonder why you even bother with it.

Your PESTERCHUM application is flashing. Someone is trying to get in touch with you. John: Open Pesterchum. 15/04/09

PESTERCHUM 6.0

CHAT CLIENT

CHUMROLL : ☺ turntechGodhead

tentacleTherapist

gardenGnostic [PESTER!]

MYCHUMHANDLE : ☺ ectoBiologist

MOOD : ☺ CHUMMY ✓ ☺ BULLY ☺ PALSY ☺ PEPPY ☺ CHIPPER ☹ RANCOROUS

Only one of your CHUMS is logged in. He's sent you a message. John: Open message. 15/04/09

:: turntechGodhead ::

PESTERLOG :

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 --

TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today

[PESTER!]

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 --

TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny. TG: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here EB: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage? TG: but TG: the seal on the bottle is unbroken TG: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory EB: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle? EB: try using your brain numbnuts. TG: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like TG: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous EB: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice. TG: ok i can accept that TG: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters TG: also fred savage has a really punchable face TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it TG: did you get the beta yet EB: no. EB: did you? TG: man i got two copies already TG: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring TG: did you see how it got slammed in game bro???? EB: game bro is a joke and we both know it. TG: yeah TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now EB: alright. John: Look out window. 15/04/09

You see the view of your yard from your window.

Hanging from the tree is your TIRE SWING. In a kid's yard, a tree without a tire swing is like a proper gentleman without a monocle. That is to say, HE CAN HARDLY BE CONSIDERED A TERRIBLY PROPER GENTLEMAN AT ALL.

And there beside your driveway is the mailbox. John: Examine mailbox. 15/04/09

The little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it is called is flipped up!

What the hell is that thing called anyway. You do not have time for these semantics. The red flippy-lever thing means you have new mail. And that means the beta might be here! John: Go outside and check mailbox. 15/04/09

You are about to hurry down stairs when you hear a car pull into the driveway. It looks like your DAD has returned from the grocery store.

Oh great. He is beating you to the mail. John: Forget it. Check mail later. 15/04/09

Alert : ▪ ▪ ▪

If you go down stairs to get it, he will likely monopolize hours of your time. You decide to chill out up here for a while until the dust settles.

Sometimes you feel like you are trapped in this room. Stuck, if you will, in a sense which possibly borders on the titular.

And now your chum is pestering you again. The clockwork of friendship turns ceaselessly, operating the swing-lever dealies of harassment in perpetuity!

Whatever. The dude can just hold his damn horses. John: Examine games on CD rack. 16/04/09

BARD QUEST

THE CAPER HAVERS

PROBLEM SLEUTH

AND IT DON'T STOP

?

GHOSTBUSTERS II MMORPG

KONAMI little monsters (Original Nintendo Seal of Quality)

HARRY ANDERSON CALL MY BLUFF

You've put countless manhours into this assortment of quality titles. John: Read COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT. 16/04/09

Colonel Sassacre's

DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY

You decide to consult with the Colonel's bottomless wisdom. Good grief this thing is huge. It could kill a cat if you dropped it.

But to really dig into this hefty book, you will have to captchalogue it. You are not sure you are ready to logjam your other ARTIFACTS beneath it just yet. John: Captchalogue fake arms again. 16/04/09

What did you just say?? You don't want to clog up your…

Oh, Jesus. In a momentary lapse of concentration, you accidentally captchalogue the arms again. John: Set Pesterchum status to "bully". 16/04/09

☺ turntechGodhead

You don't think the situation is quite dire enough to go all the way to "RANCOROUS", but you still feel the PESTERCHUM client should reflect your mood change in some way.

"BULLY" will have to do. You guess.

This unsurprisingly does nothing whatsoever.

Oh, right, you forgot your chum is still pestering you. John: Answer chum. 16/04/09

:: turntechGodhead :: PESTERLOG :

TG: is it there TG: plz say yes TG: maybe you can play with TT shes been pestering me all day about it TG: shes mackin on me so hard all the time i start to feel embarrassed for her TG: i mean not that i can blame her or anything EB: yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. i am attracted to you. TG: thank you EB: jk haha. EB: no, i don't have it yet. EB: my dad has the mail and i guess i have to go get it from him and see if it's there. EB: and i've been busy spending all afternoon shitting around with my stupid sylladex. EB: it's so frustrating. TG: whats your modus EB: what? TG: how do you retrieve artifacts from it EB: oh. like one at a time i guess. and if i put too much in, something falls out. TG: stack?? hahahahahaha EB: what is yours? TG: hash map TG: my bro taught me a few tricks he basically knows everything and is awesome EB: what the hell is that? TG: you should probably brush up on your data structures EB: i guess. TG: did you at least allocate your strife specibus EB: no. TG: it could free up a card for you TG: plus let you attack stuff whenever things get too hot to handle TG: which is never TG: what have you got EB: well, i've got a hammer but it's trapped under some arms. TG: wow you really suck at this dont you TG: just get rid of the arms and then allocate the hammer to the specibus EB: how? TG: i dont know just use the arms on any old thing and see if it works John: Combine fake arms with cake. 16/04/09

You stick the FAKE ARMS in the CAKE on your bed.

This definitely makes the CAKE at least 300% more hilarious. You're sure COLONEL SASSACRE would know the precise index of elevated hilarity. John: Allocate hammer to strife specibus. 16/04/09

kind abstrata

pizzactrkind batkind rollpinkind plungerkind yoyokind scissorkind peprsprykind chainsawkind crowbarkind broomkind pokerkind icepickkind golfclubkind [hammerkind] jumpropekind shovelkind hatchetkind spoonkind statuekind spatulakind scrwdrvrkind bladekind pistolkind lampkind stungunkind ballkind rakekind plankkind glovekind

forkkind canekind curlironkind chainkind knifekind tablelegkind shotgunkind needlekind peprmillkind dumbbellkind hckystckkind vacuumkind mopkind trophykind fncysntakind ladlekind cordkind ironkind sawkind cleaverkind iceskatekind wrenchkind umbrellakind plungerkind hosekind bookkind bustkind spadekind pipekind

nailgunkind hairdyrkind lcrsstckkind thrwstarkind tongskind razorkind fireextkind branchkind bowlgpinkind bombkind woodwindkind staplerkind riflekind sandlstkkind paddlekind bowkind barbwirekind dartkind marblekind plierkind fireworkkind chiselkind aerosolkind shoekind pippetkind fankind brasskind rockkind scythekind

You check the back of your STRIFE SPECIBUS for the KIND ABSTRATUS you have in mind for it. John: Select "HAMMER". 16/04/09

captchalogue x1

strife specibus

sylladex::strife deck hammerkind

Your STRIFE SPECIBUS has been ALLOCATED with the HAMMERKIND ABSTRATUS.

The HAMMER has been moved from your CAPTCHALOGUE DECK to your STRIFE DECK. John: Report progress to TG. 16/04/09 EB: ok, i did it. TG: hammerkind? EB: yeah. TG: ok that will be the permanent allocation for your specibus TG: i guess i should have mentioned that EB: uh… TG: hope you like hammers dude! EB: yeah, that's fine i guess. i can't imagine it's going to be all that relevant. John: Captchalogue Colonel's big book. 17/04/09

Now that you've got some space in your SYLLADEX to work with, you figure you might as well start squandering it immediately.

Ordinarily this ridiculous book would be way too heavy to carry around in any practical way. You guess maybe this is one respect in which the cards present some convenience. John: Examine GameBro Magazine. 17/04/09

GAME BRO SBURB Why the "Game of

the Year" or whatever isn't as good as some other stuff I like that's better.

John: Read article. 17/04/09

GAME BRO FEATURE

SBURB

So ok.

SBURB is this game that a lot of cats seem hella pumped of. And this beta is sitting on my desk for review, so I'm like, yeah man I'll write something.

But I don't know. I'm like, so this is about houses or some noise? That's fine, I'm sure that's like fucking dynamite in a handbag for some brosephs. But all I'm saying is, when do you get to thrash anything? While you're playing house or some shit, are you ever in jeopardy of getting mud on your doll's dress or whatever from busting out, and I quote, "the mad stunts all wicked up-ins"?

Know what I'm saying, Bro-Yo Ma? I didn't actually play this game, but I gave it 1.5 hats out of 5 hats to keep it real.

At this point I'd like to give a shout out to my boy Dennis who was over the other day. We were going to chill in front of The Dark Knight and he was so psyched of it y'all.

So this one time he was leaning against the screen door and the shit popped open, and the back deck was wet and he slipped down the steps and broke his thumb on the lawn. It wasn't a long fall, but hey I guess a thumb bone wasn't made for supporting the brunt of a huge useless tool against wet grass. We never did watch Dark Knight on account of Ron truck- ing his bawling candy-ass girth to the hospital.

But it's cool, I still got another watch in me, Brotel Rwanda.

BRO-NOTES : Dennis was so wasted, ha ha. I mean damn.

Rating for : SBURB [*] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ]

John: Captchalogue GameBro. 17/04/09

It might come in handy if you ever need something that burns easily. John: Captchalogue magician's hat. 18/04/09

You expend your final card on the MAGICIAN'S HAT. John: Get funny glasses too. 18/04/09

You don't have a free card in your SYLLADEX!

However, you are able to MERGE the BEAGLE PUSS with the MAGICIAN'S HAT to create a CLEVER DISGUISE. John: Wear disguise to fool dad. 18/04/09

John? Who is this "John" you speak of? You are quite certain there has never been, nor ever will be…

Yeah, this is a really shitty disguise.

While you are wearing the items, they remain on the card, but it is temporarily removed from the deck, thus freeing up the cards beneath it. John: Leave room. 18/04/09

You exit into the HALLWAY.

On one wall hangs a picture of a fella who sure knows how to have a laugh, a man after your own heart. You always thought he looked a lot like Michael Cera. But your DAD swears on the many HALLOWED TOMBS of Egypt that it is not. You're not sure about that though.

On the other wall is one of your DAD'S stupid clowns. Or HARLEQUINS, as he is quick to correct anyone who would venture such brazen assumption. John: Go downstairs. 18/04/09

The accursed odor of fresh baking wafts into your newfound nostrils. Something is brewing in the KITCHEN. It must be the connivings of your arch nemesis, BETTY CROCKER, and the rich, buttery aroma of her plot stinks to high heaven.

This mission is going to be more difficult than you imagined. John: Admire harlequins. 18/04/09

You check out the shelves of FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS.

Look at this fucking garbage. You hate this stuff. Funny is funny, but your DAD sure can be a real cornball.

Sometimes at night you pray for burglars. John: Examine fireplace. 18/04/09

A bright orange flame flickers in the FIREPLACE. It doesn't matter that it's April and not terribly chilly outside. In a home, a FIREPLACE needs a fire, because that's what FIREPLACE is for. A fire BELONGS in a FIREPLACE, dammit, cata(ptcha)gorically, at all times, without exception.

As domestic myth of unaccountable origin holds, a home borrows the spirit of the flame for as long as it makes a guest of it, much as the moon takes liberty with the sun's rays.

"The moon's an arrant thief, and her pale fire she snatches from the sun." -Mark Twain

You are almost certain Mark Twain said that. John: Toss GameBro into fire. 18/04/09

It doesn't burn as quickly as you hoped.

Each GAMEBRO MAGAZINE is guaranteed to be printed on 40% recycled asbestos. For big ups to Mother Earth, yo. John: Fondly regard cremation. 18/04/09

You examine the SACRED URN containing your departed NANNA'S ASHES.

When your father gives her portrait a wistful glance now and then, you can tell it brings back painful memories. A tall bookshelf. A ladder. An unabridged COLONEL SASSACRE'S.

He never wants to talk about it. John: Topple urn. 18/04/09

You clumsily mishandle the SACRED URN. Ash is everywhere.

In retrospect, upon mulling cinematic tropes regarding ash-filled urns, this outcome was a virtual certainty.

You'd probably better clean it up before DAD finds it. John: Combine father's pipe with clever disguise. 18/04/09

You think now would be a good time to beef up your CLEVER DISGUISE. John: Examine oversized gift. 18/04/09

CHAMP.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.

I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Contemplating what could be inside this package is sort of exciting, but it makes you a little nervous at the same time. John: Open large present. 18/04/09

Oh hell no. John: Captchalogue ashes. 19/04/09

First you prop the HARLEQUIN DOLL up on the couch. Having it in the middle of the floor sprawled out all akimbo like that struck you as unseemly.

You captchalogue the ASHES to your available card. John: Combine ashes with urn. 19/04/09

You merge the SACRED URN with the ASHES.

Most of the ASH is back in the URN, but it's a total mess. Really it probably would have been tidier if you just used a broom and dustpan. John: Put urn back. 19/04/09

No one will be the wiser.

Except maybe for people with eyes. John: Go get fake arms again. 19/04/09

Alert : ▪ ▪ ▪

You just got another BRILLIANT idea for something to do with those pointless arms. You pry them out of the CAKE and captchalogue them.

Looks like PESTERCHUM is acting up again. John: Examine 3rd and 4th walls of room. 19/04/09 John: Check Pesterchum. 19/04/09

☺ tentacleTh…

Another one of your chums is messaging you. John: Check message. 19/04/09

:: tentacleTherapist :: PESTERLOG : -- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:26 --

TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.

TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine. EB: that's an ugly rumor. EB: whoever told you that is a filthy liar. EB: and you should probably stop hitting on him all the time or whatever. TT: I can't control myself. TT: I must have a weakness for insufferable pricks. EB: anyway i still haven't checked the mail, my dad has it. EB: i'm trying to go get it from him, so brb TT: John. EB: what? TT: You're wearing one of your disguises now, aren't you? TT: You are typing to me right now while wearing something ridiculous. EB: no, why would you even think that?? EB: that's so stupid. TT: Ok. TT: Why don't you go get the game from your father? EB: alright, wish me luck. EB: oh, btw… EB: jk I was wearing a funny disguise this whole time. EB: gotcha! hehehehe TT: I know, John. John: Go back downstairs. 19/04/09

You can now execute that brilliant idea you had.

There should be just enough FROSTING on the FAKE ARMS to serve as an adequate adhesive. John: Attach arms to doll. 19/04/09

Hehehehehehehehe.

You don't care what COLONEL SASSACRE says, that makes it AT LEAST a million percent funnier. John: Inspect burnt paper on the floor. 20/04/09

BROBLERONE

(ADVERTISEMENT)

You put this back in the fire where it belongs. John: Throw present wrap in fire. 20/04/09

As long as you're cleaning up… John: Captchalogue doll. 20/04/09

You can carry hefty items, but that thing is just way too big. Get real!

Besides, you don't even want it. John: Read Colonel Sassacre's text. 20/04/09

COLONEL

FROM GEO SOULEGEL(?)

3? & 40 CENTRE ST, NEW YORK No 2078 INS. $20.00 per 1000 net 5? 5th AVE. CHICAGO, ILL No 2079 OUTS. 0.00

ALSO BLANK

THE CREEPY-CRAWLIES!

Hell's bells, we are having a mighty sporting time of it!

Hold fast my intrepid fellow prank- smiths! We've merely nicked the mahogany of our japing chests.

If I may direct the incisive ogle of your beagle puss to the wriggling regency of rubber bugs, plastic parasites, squirming serpents, pliable pests, and every such order and phyla of creepy-crawlie!

Land sakes alive, we are cooking with petrol now!

In further exhibits we shall dwell on artifice useful to your exploits. Is your pappy's rod and reel handy? What about a bit of iron cord; it shouldn't prove elusive. Bring those wriggling rascals to life, and set the nerves of some old maid to the wreck of Hesperus!

Do you have a bothersome aunt who never seems troubled to find ways with your sunny afternoon hours? A board, splintery fence - a bucket of whitewash perhaps?

By gum you'll fix her wagon!

And what of that tawny gent who puts his lackadaisical lean near the sarsaparilla font? You'll have that listless octoroon find the spring in his step just yet!

You thought about consulting the text to determine exactly how hilarious the doll is now.

But this text is way too big to navigate in a timely fashion. You decide to forget it. John: Find dad and retrieve mail. 20/04/09

The door on the left leads to the KITCHEN, from which the smell of baking wafts -- a powerful aroma which could lift an especially portly hobo off his feet.

The door on the right leads to the STUDY, where your DAD spends a lot of time.

He could be in either room. Where will you go? John: Go in the study. 21/04/09

It doesn't look like he's in here right now. John: Examine father's desk. 21/04/09

THE SERIOUS JESTER

On the desk is a DECK OF PLAYING CARDS, one of your DAD'S PIPES, the April issue of THE SERIOUS JESTER magazine, and a stray CAPTCHALOGUE CARD.

There is also a CAN OF PEANUTS on the desk. Ha ha, oh DAD. You won't be falling for THAT one again any time soon.

A severe peanut allergy is a terrible affliction to cope with. John: Upgrade costume with hat from hat rack. 21/04/09

You swap the MAGICIAN'S HAT with the BOWLER HAT.

This disguise is somewhat less funny, but A LOT more distinguished looking. John: Combine second pipe with clever disguise. 21/04/09

Your DAD maintains numerous pipes around the household. A father without a pipe is like a strapping roughneck without a toothpick. That is to say, HE IS A RATHER PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR A ROUGHNECK IF YOU ASK ME.

You'd rather not take the PIPE, though. The first one tastes bad enough as it is.

How you suffer for your comedy. John: Examine captchalogue card. 21/04/09

THE SERIOUS JESTER

Yes!!! This will be perfect for expanding the space in your SYLLA… John: Captchalogue captchalogue card. 21/04/09

ARGH!!! [S] John: Play haunting piano refrain. 21/04/09

(Pages including sound will be preceded by [S] in the command.) John: Play 52 Pick-Up. 22/04/09

You play the prankster's favorite card game, even though you are alone in the room, thus rendering it an especially foolish version of Solitaire.

SO STUPID. Look at this mess.

The peanut gallery over there sure is getting a kick out of it. You are allergic to their scorn. John: Attempt to leave the house. 22/04/09

Hi-C ECTO COOLER

You go back into the LIVING ROOM and contemplate checking the mailbox outside. You think perhaps you should exhaust all possibilities before plunging headlong into a DAD encounter.

Your TELEVISION is currently airing a COMMERCIAL. John: Exit. 23/04/09

You exit the house. John: Check mail. 23/04/09

Predictably, the mailbox is empty. You have already been scooped by your father. [S] ==> 24/04/09

HOMESTUCK

The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note is produced. It's the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune.

It is your thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something feels missing from your life. The game presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all.

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." -Walt Whitman

Yes, you are certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive.

You have a feeling it's going to be a long day. ==> 24/04/09 John: Leave a surprise for the mailman. 24/04/09

N…

No! John: See if your father left the mail in the car. 24/04/09

The door is locked and your DAD has the CAR KEYS. You peer in through the driver's side window.

You don't see any mail, but you do see a GREEN PACKAGE. There is also something underneath it that looks like a slip of paper.

Could these items have come in the mail? You don't see anything else that's usually in the mail, like bills and coupons. Maybe your DAD forgot to take this stuff inside. John: Spy in the kitchen. 24/04/09

You try to get a gander through the KITCHEN WINDOW, but you can't see a whole lot! It seems your DAD has been doing so much baking, the glass has steamed up.

God he is so weird.

But you can see what's on the table just beside the window. It looks like the mail is there! Included among it is a RED PACKAGE, some BILLS, your DAD'S PDA, and an envelope that appears to be suspiciously labeled with the SBURB LOGO. Could it be???

Unfortunately, the window is locked. John: Go back into the kitchen. 24/04/09

You have no other choice. You are going in.

CLEVER DISGUISE, it's time to work your magic. [S] John: Enter. 27/04/09 ==> 27/04/09

JOHN: !

Your DAD sees right through your costume! You don't know what you were even thinking with this foolish ruse!!!

You unequip the CLEVER DISGUISE. Your DAD wields a dreaded ARTIFACT OF CONFECTION. He stands between you and the mail.

There is only one way to settle this. [S] STRIFE! 28/04/09

STRIFE!

AGGRIEVE: AUTO-PASTRY! ABJURE: GUARDIAN RUBRIC: CODDLEBRAND DOTESMITE!

John: Retrieve the package and flee to your room! 29/04/09

ABSCOND

You cannot ABSCOND! This pesky GUARDIAN is blocking your path! You will need to engineer some sort of distraction.

And now he brandishes yet another ARTIFACT OF CONFECTION! The man is ruthless.

You'd better brace for impact in the most comedically striking fashion possible. John: Equip disguise for defense. 29/04/09

BEAGLE AEGIS

The BEAGLE AEGIS absorbs the brunt of the treat. Looks like DAD will enjoy the prankster's gambit on that exchange, as is usually the case. John: Captachalogue pie tin. 29/04/09

You take PIE TIN and unequip the BEAGLE PUSS.

Everything in your SYLLADEX is pushed back a card. The SMOKE PELLETS are ejected from the deck.

Yes! This could be just the distraction you were… ==> 29/04/09

Nothing happens.

What a huge letdown. John: Take the cake! 29/04/09

AGGRIEVE ABJURE [> ACCEDE] ABSCOND

"When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield." -Oscar Wilde

Wise words by a man who likely could resist everything but temptation.

The CAKE forces COLONEL SASSACRE'S TEXT out of your SYLLADEX. ==> 29/04/09

Sassacre you beautiful bastard.

Now's your chance!!! John: Abscond. 30/04/09

Now that DAD is busy placating the SMOKE DETECTOR, you can safely sneak away. John: Take PDA. 30/04/09

You snag your DAD'S PDA. Maybe later you'll switch the background image to something hilarious as a prank. Besides, it may come in handy later.

Your spare CAPTCHALOGUE CARD is forced out of the SYLLADEX, and consequently integrated with the deck. You now have five cards to work with. John: Take package. 30/04/09

This RED PACKAGE is addressed to you. John: Take envelope. 30/04/09

You got the SBURB BETA!!! John: Exit kitchen. 30/04/09 John: Get cake on couch. 01/05/09

You captchalogue the CAKE on the couch, expelling the PIE TIN from the bottom card. John: Combine the cakes to make a double decker cake. 01/05/09

You then merge the two CAKES across all five cards.

Everything in your SYLLADEX is smushed between the CAKES. Why don't you think these things through first?? John: Retreat upstairs! 02/05/09

You pause at the juncture and head down the hall. You are going to need something to clean up the mess you are about to make by dissecting this CAKE.

To the left is the BATHROOM. To the right is your DAD'S ROOM. It is locked, and you are forbidden from ever entering. He has secrets. John: Go to bathroom and grab a towel. 02/05/09

You enter the BATHROOM. You can see your BACK YARD from the window. The jewel in its crown is the SWING SET which has provided you with years of joy. There is also a SPRING-MOUNTED POGO-RIDE, which has been responsible for more than one painful injury, and has provided you with years of lament.

On the sink is your DAD'S RAZOR. On the rack to the side is a FRESH TOWEL. John: Remove PDA, envelope and package from cake. 02/05/09

You take the RAZOR and use it to perform surgery on the CAKE.

You take the TOWEL and clean off the extracted goods. John: Retrieve your items. 02/05/09

The items force the MANHANDLED CAKE into the TOILET.

And just like that, your SYLLADEX is full again. God this thing is annoying. John: Go to bedroom. 02/05/09

Alert : ▪ ▪ ▪ Alert : ▪ ▪ ▪

John: Admire "Failure to Launch" poster. 03/05/09

Jodie Fo… Matthew McConaug…

A TIME TO KILL

matthew mcconaughey sarah jessica parker failure to launch

You're not usually into chick-flicks, but Matthew McConaughey's cool charisma could salvage any heap of smoldering wreckage.

This is your "McConaughey Wall", a casual shrine to an amazing actor. The film above that one is a lot better, you think.

CAN YOU SEE HER? I WANT YOU TO PICTURE THAT LITTLE GIRL. [chokes up] NOW IMAGINE SHE'S WHITE.

You got us Matthew! Your smooth talking exposed our latent racism! Damn you are good! [S] John: Check Pesterchum. 03/05/09

☺ gardenGno… ☺ turntechGo…

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:34 --

GG: hi happy birthday john!!!!! <3 GG: helloooooo?? GG: ok i will talk to you later!!! :D

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:56 --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:40 --

TG: hey GG is looking for you why are you even so popular all of a sudden TG: is today some sort of special occasion or something TG: did you do something to curry favor with ladies TG: did you break your leg on a puppy or some shit TG: dude what are you doing -- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! -- EB: i discovered a comet that is going to destroy the earth, and it was named after me. EB: now i am famous, and everyone wants to talk to me a lot. TG: no stop TG: just no TG: dont talk about your awful stupid movies or make references to them TG: your gross man-bro crush on matt macconahay is an unsavory thing to behold EB: mcconaughey. TG: sounds like a noise a horse would make TG: ie dumb TG: equally dumb are all those pictures of that clown youve got hanging up EB: those are my dad's. TG: i was talking about nick cage EB: oh, what?! no man, cage is sweet. so sweet. TG: ha ha so lame TG: you dont even like him ironically or anything this is like for real isnt it TG: hahaha EB: i do things ironically sometimes. EB: what about what i sent you for your birthday? TG: no those are awesome EB: what? no, they're stupid, which was the joke. the IRONIC joke. get it? EB: wait… EB: you're actually wearing them, aren't you? TG: im wearing them ironically TG: because theyre awesome TG: the fact that theyre ironic makes them awesome TG: and vice versa TG: are you taking notes on how to be cool?? jesus get a fucking pen EB: you do realize they touched stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point. TG: ew yeah TG: oh well TG: anyway speaking of which TG: did you get the mail EB: yeah. TG: did there happen to be a package there EB: yeah, there's a big red one. TG: you should probably open it EB: i would, but it's trapped under the sburb beta, so i will probably open it after i install the beta. TG: oh man the beta came EB: yeah! wanna play it? TG: haha no way EB: why not! TG: it sounds so HELLS of boring just get TT to play it she is all about that EB: where'd she go. TG: her internet is blinking in and out i guess TG: probably be back online soon TG: oh and christ in a sidecar are you still using the stack modus??? TG: seriously dude TG: you need to BONE UP on your data structures that shit is just ridiculous EB: ok, i will. John: Open browser and go to mspaintadventures.com 04/05/09

TYPHEUS BOOKMARKS ▸ ADDRESS : http://www.mspaintadventures.com GO!

MS MAP | LOG | SEARCH | FAQ || SAVE | LOAD || SHOP | EXTRAS || FORUMS | CONTACT | ANDREW

MSPAINT ADVENTURES

You decide to space out on the computer for a while before doing anything important.

You open the TYPHEUS web browser and direct it to what is indisputably the most amazing website ever created. ==> 04/05/09

ADDRESS : http://www.mspaintadventures.com?s=3

MSPAINT ADVENTURES

Midnight Crew

You are members of a sinister gang called the Midnight Crew. Your nefarious plots are serpentine in their complexity. Your schemes, convoluted. You are planning a heist in your underground hideout.

What will you do?

The new adventure is ok, but you're not sure if you like it as much as the last one. John: Install the Sburb beta. 05/05/09

You decide it's time for less meta, and more beta.

You insert the CD and install the SBURB BETA. ==> 05/05/09

SBURB CLIENT

SBURB version 0.0.1

© SKAIANET SYSTEM INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

SBURB client is running.

Waiting for server to establish connection…

What the fuck is this. John: Bone up on data structures. 05/05/09

DATA STRUCTURES

discrete mathematics

^CAKE

~ath

DIS*

AUTOMATA

You go to your CLOSET, where you keep a lot of clothes and an array of handy COMPUTER PROGRAMMING GUIDES. John: Read Data Structures book. 05/05/09

"I think my rage just crapped its pants" -FUNNYUNCLE

DATA STRUCTURES for ASSHOLES By Buckminster Funnyuncle

Your ignorance just made me throw up a little. Get a clue, you computer-illiterate piece of shit.

FREE FETCH MODUS IN BACK!!!

You're not sure you really want to dig into this huge tome. It looks really boring. And kind of ornery.

Maybe you'll just check out that free modus instead. John: Get free Fetch Modus. 05/05/09

fetch modus FIFO queue

You turn to the back inside cover, where a free FETCH MODUS is included in a plastic sleeve.

This one is dictated by the logic of a QUEUE DATA STRUCTURE, operating on a "First In, First Out" method, rather than a "First In, Last Out" method of a STACK. John: Apply Fetch Modus to Sylladex. 05/05/09

Items captchalogued in your SYLLADEX are no longer immediately accessible. You can only use the item on the bottom card, and must wait for items on upper cards to be pushed back to it.

For instance, the RED PACKAGE is now inaccessible. You can only use the RAZOR at the moment.

This modus doesn't strike you as a significant upgrade to your previous one. In fact, it almost seems more inconvenient. You figure you might as well give it a chance though. John: Switch back to Stack Modus. 06/05/09

? fetch modus ? FILO stack ?

You suddenly wonder if this is even possible. You don't even remember if you ever had a physical card for the STACK MODUS.

You find this all to be a little abstract and you'd prefer not to think about it too much. John: Put down razor. 06/05/09

Put it…

Down?

…

You're not quite sure you understand. John: Pick up two items. 06/05/09

You captchalogue one of the CAKES.

You've finally found a use for all these loitering pastries: DEAD WEIGHT. John: Get other cake. 06/05/09

matthew mcconaughey sarah jessica parker failure to launch

The second CAKE causes the RAZOR to launch out the front of your SYLLADEX.

Oh good lord.

THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE.

You wish the RAZOR would have failed to launch. John: Get more stuff. 06/05/09

You open your MAGIC CHEST and captchalogue one of your favorite books of all time, WISE GUY BY MIKE CAVENEY.

There goes the FRESH TOWEL. John: Might as well grab those cuffs. 06/05/09

You take the TRICK HANDCUFFS, expelling the PDA like a bullet. ==> 06/05/09

Oh God dammit. John: Open up that package! 07/05/09

TO : EB FROM : TG

You examine the package. It is from one of your internet chums.

It's bound in packing tape though. You'll need something sharp to open it.

Ah, of course! The RAZOR! It's all so simple, you wonder why you didn't… John: Get razor. 07/05/09

BONK

John: Pick up package again. 07/05/09

Let's take this from the top. John: Captchalogue glass shards. 07/05/09

CRASH

You take three GLASS SHARDS in quick succession and duck for cover.

Your SYLLADEX rains devastation on your room from above.

And now that your cards are packed with glass, you probably don't want to do that again any time soon. ==> 07/05/09

You should probably go get that stuff before you forget. John: Use the razor on the red package. 08/05/09

You open the package. There is something suspicious inside.

Something suspiciously dirty and smelly. ==> 08/05/09

It is a STUFFED BUNNY. Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.

But no, it is not merely LIKE that bunny. According to this NOTE OF AUTHENTICITY, it is the VERY SAME BUNNY.

This is so awesome. John: Check status of Sburb beta. 08/05/09

Alert : ▪ ▪ ▪ Alert : (Sburb-logo)

It looks like your computer is trying to get your attention. John: Look at monitor. 09/05/09

SBURB CLIENT

SBURB version 0.0.1

Ⓒ SKAIANET SYSTEMS INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

SBURB client is running.

A SBURB host user is attempting to connect with you.

Client has established connection with host.

Press [ENTER] when ready.

_

[☺ tentacleT…]

John: Check Pesterchum window. 09/05/09

::tentacleTherapist::

PESTERLOG

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:08 --

TT: It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta. Excellent. TT: I'm going to try to connect.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:08 --

TT: It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta. Excellent. TT: I'm going to try to connect. EB: whoa ok but i just got the most awesome present. TT: The rabbit? EB: SO SWEET. TT: I've heard tales of this wretched creature often. Its Homeric legend is practically ensconced in the fold of my personal mythology by now. EB: ha ha, what? TT: Why don't we focus on the matter at hand? EB: oh the game, ok. EB: i don't really know how this works. what am i even looking at here? TT: You are running the client application. I am running the server, so I am the host user. I have established a connection with you. This is sufficient for us to play the game. EB: oh, ok then. TT: Why don't we get started? John: Press [ENTER] 09/05/09 [S] ==> 09/05/09

WHO ARE YOU. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU. FUCKING SHOW YOURSELF RIGHT NOW

[rosedews]

akira toriyama’s death is heartbreaking, and oda’s and kishimoto’s responses just tore me apart

[ishouldstopdaydreaming]

It's always discord servers.

[opanchu]

[sawkinator]

May have to get my gallbladder removed.

[bleachersgirl]

you’re early. i missed you.

[aroace-polyshow]

naive me a minute ago: oh boy oh boy i have ideas for my wxs/n25 swap! good thing i wrote it all down on a nice little google doc! i sure hope nothing gets in my way-

*my school email’s password, which is the account i had the google doc on, has been changed. again. for fuck knows why. and i have been logged out and cannot access said google doc*

me, no longer naive: fuck.

[keyofsentience]

guys im just a fuhua fucker ranting abt mhy's shit handling of arcs beyond ch25 <////3

[goldshadowsarchive]

just found out about Ultimate Wanda and Pietro

[froggyrights]

I watched Dan Howells new video AND WHY DOES HE WANT TO FUCK WILBUR. THAY WAS SUCH A JUMPSCARE 😭😭😭

[crabussy]

IM GOING TO PUNCH A HOLE IN SOMEONES CAR

[mr-malumm]

Stayed gone but vox narrates his passive aggressive insecure ass scrolling text from the bottom of his broadcast 👊💥📺