#when i say i do nothing the weekend
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Yes I spent most of my weekend playing DAI but I also found time to go out a bit Saturday without any reason to do so, clean one more little thing in my apartment, found a pet sitter for my holidays. So I say it's an improvement from the "lying in bed all day doom scrolling" usual weekend 🤷
#misc#actually video games just like watching a show#totally count as an active activity for me#i mean active for my brain#most people say watching a show on the sofa is not doing stuff#but they don't know these things require energy#when i say i do nothing the weekend#i really mean I am in my bed on my phone#and feel like shit the sunday at 5pm because i feel guilty#so playing a game does not make me feel guilty#actually i've noticed recently#im more inclined to do things#like cleaning a bit/cooking/taking care of one single task#so after i can play or watch a show without feeling the guilt#truly a massive fucking improvement#im telling you#now that being said i didn't watch poi s5 cause im absolutely fully immersed in dai right now lmao#call that an inability to finish things and focus on more than one activity at a time#brain be overloaded too easily#anyway im kinda happy
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I locked them in a room and made them put on silly hats
#FOR MEEEEE#i almost got a black hat like this on the weekend okay I am a firm supporter of whimsy and hats#you guys wanna know something funny? something ive noticed and im convinced is real is that men and old people are nicer to me when i wear#hats#especially wide brim hats. ladies are as nice as always but dudes and oldies who can at times be :/ at me see me in a hat and i swear they#smile and say hello and hold the door like 50% more#anyway that has nothing to do with these two its just something i think about#do hats maketh the man have a nicer day.... who knows not me but. you should wear a hat for many reason#including sun protection. dont want to die of melanoma now do we haha (fear)(im pale and freckly)((australian sun will get me one day))
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i took a sick day and took myself out to breakfast and baby waved me. life feels good again.
#im very lucky to get paid sick days (which is fucked that people don’t get paid days to begin with) but they don’t carry over#and work has been so stupidly busy and it will only get busier#and im changing roles at work which is nice (i guess) but its just a job and more responsibility#and im trying to always not treat my job like it’s my life or something that defines me or the only place where i give value#cause that’s not true but that’s what the corporate world WANTS YOU TO DO#and feel guilty when you take time for yourself cause if you aren’t around things will fall apart#but all of this to say: if you get paid sick days please take them. even if you aren’t sick or just need a break.#it’s so needed. life is so crazy busy and weekends are enough time to do everything#so taking a day to do the things you need to do or (like something I need to learn how to do) do nothing at all and just chill#my dream sick day is having the house to myself and i can take a bath and then go back in bed and read fic all day#and eat pasta#but one thing at a time
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Everyone loves me and I'm so so so employable<- affirmations
#twist rambles#i got... another interview lined up monday 😭 which is great other than the insane amt of stress im gonna be under for like 3 days straight#not including weekends. its gonna be soooo bad for my fibro 😭 and im getting the only non scary interview done today. or ig that was#yesterday since it was a phone call one. but today its w a optho office and hopefully will be ok .. and then tomorrow its. well sitcom level#of weird shit. so its at a hotel right. i got a call abt it and due to my auditory processing issues and general anxiety and sleepy nature#completely forgot the hotel name. could just look it up right? WRONG. hotel doing renovations so its at a separate building. when looking#that and the phone up it gave me nothing. the issue is i applied 2 3 different hotels in (town) and all of which are different positions#and times. so i have no clue what to prep for. dreading this one v much. and then the next one is an electricians office doing hr and data#entry but they have horrible reviews and apparently aren't great w safety. which is genuinely scary. tbf only 2 reviews total but still.#so needless to say i wm very anxious this morning. gotta kill like 7 hrs and also not puke.#emeto#for the tags<-
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#there's no way i could ever have another pet bc this has destroyed me in unimaginable ways#despite him being old and his health declining the past three or so years#we did everything we could to keep him around and healthy but his little body just couldn't do it anymore#i love him so much i hope he wasn't in pain#i regret not saying goodbye when my mom told me to before he went to the hospital friday but i was in denial#we held out all weekend to see if the treatment would work but he was just so weak my dad gave them the go-ahead to stop it today#idk if they've put him to sleep yet but we're assuming so since my dad is gonna go pick up his collar tomorrow#i cried so much last night because i just had a feeling today would be it#and then i woke up this morning and already had tears in my eyes#this is gonna be. another long grieving process and i'm already so tired from losing my sister last year#when does it fucking end lol like when do i get to the other side#i'm just exhausted. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted#he's such a big extension of me like who tf am i without my dog i'm nothing he's all i had
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turns out the cure to having a bad day is hyperfixating harder. man this sucks i’m gonna watch darkwing duck. [five minutes in] woah…… life is full of joys!
#i usually hate the weekends because i hate feeling like i’m wasting my time doing nothing when i could be working#which. saying it out loud is so fucked BUT at least i have my silly cartoon guys <3#gear diary
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#i am once again asking what the fuck happened between february and the first week of may#this is why i don't get how people can say 'oh im sure charles knew ahead of time he just didn't know when xavi would leave exactly'#when nothing he's said today suggests he knew? or agreed to it?#and the timing is bizarre like if this was the plan all along why not do it before the season started#and not 6 races in with no explanation#charles even defended him in front of the press yet again when they were fishing for information#asking if this will mean communication will improve which...... lol fuck off#they didnt even have any major communication issues this year and the stuff that happened before was a result#of general pitwall fuckery - especially in 2022 when the mismanagement and chaos was egregious under mattia#feel like im just yelling into the void but this is seriously pissing me off#say what you want about xavi but this was objectively handled very poorly on fred/ferrari's part#not discussing the issue with the driver is already pretty bad but not even informing him prior to/during the miami weekend.....#that's just fucked up#i can't see mercedes or red bull blindsiding lewis or max like that#even mclaren like afaik whenever someone else has to step in as race engineer for the weekend the driver is aware in advance#like they literally just cut xavi off at the knees to do? what exactly? shove him in some dusty corner back at the factory or wherever?#never to be seen again? yeah fuck them ugh
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,,
#p#i hate feeling like more emotional than usual like the tiniest thing can happen n im like freaking out or miserable#idk if anything did happen sometimes i just suddenly feel anxious n like im gonna fall apart n cry n the worlds endign#<- not always all those at once but sometimes#its like vulnerable doesnt feel like a good word for it cuz idk sounds dumb but like wobbly#maybe..like im doing mostly ok n then ill see 1 post or someone will say smth w a certain tone n im a mess#its hard to tell n i try to for my psych appts but like crazy mood swings wise ive felt worse i think lately#idk what amount of time lately means but ya#it can be better or worse but still its up n down n way outta proportion to like what happened in the real world of not my brain#its extra the feeling like i cant handle anything n like im always on the edge of my day being ruiend#n super hating myself spiral or feeling like a dumb scared kid cuz of nothing#not posting cuz of anything this time its just outta the blue. yayyy#i was thinkin well its 8pm i worked ive been up for ages at least ican sleep soon n the day will be over#maybe a reset to be normaler#but then tomorrow is Another day n theyre just relentless huh -__-#n tomorrow ill have less excuses like ill hurt less from working this weekend ill be less tired n wont have any demanding obligations#which makes it feel worse or more frustrating when i feel shitty n crazy anyway#like there's nooo reason. like especially!!! on those days#sucks that its a Me™️ problem not just like external real shit#im stuck w this fuckin guy forever its so lame#i shld come up w a slightly more coherent version of this post to jot down for therapy next week or whenev#dlt ltr posting like this feels so embarrassing christ#<- disclaimer any mean comments only ever apply to me btw
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don't you worry about any of that! you write so well that I'll gladly read whatever you decide to publish 💛 I've been thoroughly enjoying not only your amazing lestappen, but everything you've been writing – you do you, and thank you!
aaaah deb please this is so nice ;-; <3
i've not completely abandonned lestappen (i did just come up with wholeass fake dating au that included a lot of clothes sharing between max and charles including the infamous quali pants) but i did suffer some serious writers block at the end of may (which i dont think i really talked about??) which left me not wanting to write anything and i got super frustrated with it.
anyway i've now gotten back to a point where i actually want to write things again so for now i'm just indulging myself writing whatever silly little stories i want in the hopes i'll eventually get to a place where i can write the Serious Big Fics again (like. you know. the roommates au lmao)
but i'm really happy to hear that there's people who will read anything i write it makes me feel very ;-;
#like lestappen is still my home base#but there's something delightfully fun about the lando/oscar dynamic that is just. curing my writers block in ways i cant explain#i think its the possibility for sillyness#like one of the ideas i have rn is a fic in which oscar does a lot of stress baking during race weekends#and like he leaves the baked goods in the mclaren hospitality#lando eats one at some point and is like. i am in love i NEED to marry the girl who made this#and oscar who is like harboring a serious crush for lando at this point is like. well i REALLY dont want to deal with the dissapointed look#on his face when he realizes its not a GIRL but ME who's doing the baking#so he says nothing#and then lando goes on this insane james bond esque mission to find out who mystery baking girl is#ropes oscar into it as well#and then during afternoons staking out the mclaren kitchens and patrolling the cafeteria or whatever lando thinks up#he slowly starts falling for oscar instead#oh and then there's also the werewolf au lmao#but i've been rambling for long enough and maybe like 2.3 people are insterested in this so you know#landoscar
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Hey so Snap this is going to be so fucking weird, but honestly don’t care. So I was watching a clip of Drag Race Philippines and it was the make over episode and I think they were making over family members and this father was all about getting into drag. So, I just wanted to tell you never forget how much of a lovely loving kind and caring father you have, who loves you and protects you and makes you feel heard. That’s all.
i'd have to die before i forget how great my dad is thank you for the opportunity to brag about him again anon
#snap chats#no smarmy one-sentence response i fear i never play about my dad's character and its been. A Month so i gotta be earnest#Comically And Topically tho i still wonder wtf my dad meant when he said 'i always thought of being a girl' when i opened up to him#part of me thinks he was just joking and thats probably it but also ....... //audible confusion + vine boom + eyebrow quirking//#its so funny you brought up my dad though i was thinking of visiting him this weekend#last week my Bitch Ass Mom wanted to watch a movie with me and since speak no evil was coming out i proposed we see that#since starting therapy shes been 'trying' to be closer with us but she still doesnt like me on a fundamental level so get bent ig#but she hates horror movies and made a whole show of not wanting to go and how american movies are so brutal and blah blah#this was right after she took me ice skating with her .. cause shes obsessed with ice skating now ... like maam please#i like skating so thank you but ... idk ... she never wants to do things i wanna do#then again we're pretty different i think so. LOL sorry i like horror movies and nothing you like apparently#im glad she didnt come cause i just went with my bro and since the theater was Virtually Empty we just cracked jokes the whole time vjlaekv#plus i just know my mom wouldve been annoying and i wanted to enjoy the movie !!!! which i did ty !!!!!!!#but yk who LOVES horror movies and who i used to watch horror movies with all the time growin up !!!!!!!!!!#i havent seen a movie with my dad in forever.... the last one we saw was so long ago but it was some weird owen wilson movie i think#wait now that ive dragged my mom into this she started therapy Did I Share That. Im Reminding You Anyway#but the most vile thing i ever heard her say was that she admitted to me she never loved my dad 'emotionally'#like wow ..... a thousand life times in hell for you i think i cant even begin to describe the rage chat i could write a novel#but i only have 30 tags so i wont. i should call my dad tho.. this is inspiring me to call my dad thank you anon#if youre still reading Double Thank You. i havent complained about my mom in a while and this was just funny timing overall vjRLKJAEVK#ok im gonna go talk with my dad now. my college friend's coming oevr in like three hours and we're gonna watch glass#cause that came up in convo yesterday Long Story so that should be funny vjlekjlakj
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I must write down and translate all Finnish posts/memes/Moomin comics stapled in my likes because I want to understand them but can’t and I’m too lazy to copy the text and translate
#Finnish#time to understand finnish beyond basics#I have also the goal to keep a diary in Japanese but I am procrastinating#I feel like I feel like saying nothing but at the same time I rumble about how I feel in Scandinavian languages and I’m just like ..stop#me#and just post stuff in general#I have so many pictures but can’t post them when I make them and I’m stuck and on weekends I never feel like doing anything
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i hate my man roommate and his bitch girlfriend so much
#my gf and i needed a roommate and one of our friends needed a place so it was like omg! perfect#he neglected to tell us until after we signed the lease that he had gotten back together with his ex gf who hates us bc ‘we want him’#(we r lesbians.)#but he fucking tracks dirt all over the house even though we’ve told him multiple times to please take his shoes off at the door#he took over what was supposed to be MY office (bc i have a hybrid job)#and now he just plays video games in there all day#but like. i don’t even wanna go out there to use MY bathroom#bc this bitch has been nothing but evil and mean to my girlfriend and talked shit abt her#and this stupid motherfucker of a man just lets her and goes along with it#AND THEN HE WANTS TO SAY THAT OUR CAT IS HIS!!#YOU DONT EVEN CLEAN OUT HIS LITTERBOX WHEN WE’RE GONE FOR THE WEEKEND BRUH#YOU NEGLECTED RHAT SHIT#grrrrrrrrrrrr#it just makes me so upset and i hate that this happened in a house that i would otherwise love#anyways sorry rant over#last time i ranted abt this gf on tumblr dot com (years ago) i got called a pick me bitch#so don’t call me a pick me bitch this time guys please#i do not want this man i am not attracted to men 😭😭 i just want to feel comfortable in my house#and like i don’t have to mother a 20 year old man
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Double shift last weekend and this is the only picture I got (which my coworker actually took with me for her Facebook story RIGHT when I looked like shit and it was low effort makeup day because I had to be there early to open the bar)
#a drunk girl in the bathroom called me pretty and two other regulars kissed me on the cheek and called me pet names this is why I'm gay#one of those regulars (who's the bff of my coworker i haven't worked with yet because she's taking a break) asked me to have shots with her#she and the other girl are the sweetest every time i swear they're there almost every weekend and they call me Schatz and Maus#the moment i came back in after putting away my bag and jacket on saturday a middle aged guy mentioned my volbeat hoodie#talked about all the metal bands he's seen like judas priest acdc saxon iron maiden and showed me some new songs he's been into lately#later sang mama i'm coming home to/with me and he and another guy gave me lots of career advice and encouraged me to be bolder in interview#a metalhead dude with long blonde hair and beard (who was also at a concert I worked at last month) winked at me and gave me like €4 tips#and every time he ordered his drinks he put his hand on the back of my head to say it in my ear#because the music from the speakers above was kinda loud but technically not loud enough to do That gjsgfjdshhh 😭😭#he's so hot too he looks like a kind boyish viking idk if that makes sense but 😫😫#the amount of people who have flirted with me or acted a little bit 😏 in the last three months#but nothing came of it so far just trusting they'll come back soon when i'm working the shift again#no phone numbers no insta handles we pine like in the old days and smirk when we see each other for the first time in a while#my face#the bartender chronicles
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I'm so understimulated rn I've been driven to pinterest
#ignore me#maddie lifeblogs#nothing against pinterest but I only go there when there's literally nothing else to do lmao#I'm so bored!!!!! I'm falling asleep!!!!#I hate days off and I have a 4day weekend. help me.#theoretically there are things to do but my brain says No There's Literally Nothing To Do#that and my bg's been 300+ since morning so I'm just all around feeling like trash#what do you mean I have 3 more days of this;;#someone pls invite me to their plans;;;
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it’s just so frustrating that even if things do get better someday and i’m able to manage my mental illnesses i still lost over a decade of my life to fighting with them and i will never be able to get those years back
#i feel like i’m just always going to be behind in life and always trying to catch up#and no matter what i do ill never be where i feel like i could have been#if i didn’t have to deal with the things i have to deal with#especially compared to other people who didn’t have to struggle with these things#i just feel so frustrated. people complain to me like ‘oh i only did a million things with my weekend instead of a BILLION things :/‘#what am i supposed to say when i can’t even get out of bed half the time#it just doesn’t feel fair#and like. i know in the grand scheme of things im still very young#but i feel so helpless when everyone around me who’s my age#are homeowners with careers and partners they love of several years#and talking to people older than me who tell me about all the things they’d done by my age#and i’ve done quite literally nothing with my life so far#i feel so lost. i feel like im all wrong in every way#snow.txt
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ik we talk a lot about the way being unable to drive limits people's autonomy and self-sufficience but have we talked about how isolating it makes things socially. i can't go anywhere without my parents. my parents don't want to do anything with me (my dad) or can't because of disabilities (my mom). i have no friends i can see regularly aside from people i get along with at work. i can't go anywhere most of the time. so i just stay home.
when you start to get older or when your friends move out of your area, it makes your life very lonely, i think.
#psy's no punctuation posts#i have a couple things to look forward to this month (sister visiting this weekend though i have to work the entire time#and going to Pride with Moth like we do every year which really means a lot to me)#but under normal circumstances it's just like. nothing i guess#my coworkers are trying to get me involved in outside-work plans but nothing has materialized yet#and that means a lot too but like. yknow what i mean right. it's still extremely lonely. i am a very lonely person#and the thing is like... i've always been a pretty lonely person and i personally /enjoy/ being alone a lot#but having no option to really like. get out of being alone most of the time sucks basically#when my best friend got a friend group at college i was so happy for him because i know what it's like to not have anyone to#spend time with irl! i just wish i had a friend group too yknow?#and also i am envious of the fact there are people who get to see him irl and i don't. we've never actually met haha#but maybe one day! i hope#<-- says in tears KRKFN
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