#when this semester i actually HAD a job i didn't mind waking up to every morning 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[theflyingfeeling]

yes it's just me whining about the same thing for the billionth time, pls just scroll past nothing new to see here 👋

[copingmechanism1899]

Sept 4, 2023

I am... really bad at this journaling thing.

Anyways, this came about because today was the first day of classes for me, and the last friend at home flies back to school tomorrow.

~~~

I've been at school basically all my life. I've probably typed it before, but I did summer school going into freshman year of highschool, and kept doing that until it became CLEP testing and literally nothing (because of physical injury).

2 summers ago was the first summer I didn't have summer school. I thought it was going to be my one summer to fuck around (and maybe get a job) before I got serious. Make it the summer that would appear in a horror movie where a group of people have no responsibilities and just... go somewhere to get k*lled do something.

But that didn't happen because I got injured and couldn't walk.

So I wasted away, doing CLEP tests and being generally bored. I can barely remember what I did. I know I spent time with family, and I'm sure I did something fun, but there's nothing that really comes to mind when I give it a thought.

This summer is not much better. I know I mentioned going out of state to visit family, and that was fun. But what else did I do? What was the most exciting part of my summer? I'm being asked this in every meeting, class, gathering... and I don't know how to answer without it being... weird.

"Summer was fun! I found out that I have idiopathic hypersomnia, and I could be medicated, but I can't because I'm in a different state." (yeah, I did a sleep study, more on that later.)

Or perhaps "Oh yeah, this summer I spent three months in what felt like school with a bunch of people who are also mentally unwell. Thankfully only a few of them annoyed me, the rest were all unmemorable."

Yikes.

For a fleeting moment at the end of the last school year, I thought, "Damn, I didn't make it last year, but maybe this year I'll at least go do something for myself." (More than like, reading or drawing, or something that can be done when/wherever.) I thought that maybe this summer I'd actually get the balls to check out something like Omegamart or even just go camping with friends. I don't know, I just really wanted some time to do... nothing.

And I know that sounds bad. I don't want to be a NEET or a freeter, but I just needed time so stop. I ended the last semester in tears, finishing packing mere hours before it had to go into storage. I couldn't even remember what I brought home. I wasn't sure that I wanted to go back.

But I got home, and not even a full week after classes ended, I was in PHP. I don't even think I managed to unpack before I started. But my mom wanted me to try, so I agreed. I don't think I understood how much time this was going to take up.

Three months. Approximately 90 days. I heard that number a few times but it didn't hit me how much that was until it was over. I don't know what I was thinking, but I guess I thought I would still have some time to myself this summer.

But with a 4 year old sibling, and everybody home all day, I think (not including driving, which doesn't count because I shouldn't zone out then), there was less than 24 waking hours where I was alone. And not just alone in a room, but actually alone enough to relax and let go.

Now I'm in a dorm room (without roommates, thank every god), and while I'm technically alone, I have school. I already have 3+ assignments, and I'm in the mindset that I can't relax until a break.

But even then I'm not sure I can. Because our productions made us work over the summer. And I had to do things as class rep over the summer as well. Even though there was no summer school this year, there was still CLEP, and PDSM and responsibilities that I had to complete.

So I guess in a way, it's nice because if I never stopped school, then I don't have to worry about going back because I never left in the first place.

~~~

But back to the convo from tonight. I was thinking about how school grants me this structure, and so did PHP/IOP. And now I'm thinking about how messed up I'm going to be once I stop going to school. The "real world" without a consistent schedule is going to have me in ruins.

We typed about how we hope our jobs will give us structure, but I said "if productions are any indication... I will be searching for a 9 to 5 [...] because working with these people are shit, and I'm terrified that the rest of the world will be this way too".

And of course, being the friend that they are, they said: "no way [...] how i see it is there’s 8 billion people, not all of them are going to be annoying [school name] students"

And that's true. There are only 13.5k students here right now... But seem to be the luckiest person in that I always seem to find the worst ones.

Because it's not just the people at this school. It's been everyone in my whole life. So now, every time I meet a half-decent person, I'm afraid that it's simply first impressions and they're going to fuck me over. It was in freshman year here, highschool, middle school, and I can think all the way back to elementary instances of people being borderline cruel to me. And while I know I'm no saint, I'd like to think. I didn't deserve what they did to me.

My friend typed back a paragraph with the line "okay, i don’t know what exact advice to offer so plz take it with a grain of salt, except to trust that it does get better".

And I like them, I really do. And I'm genuinely happy that they've built such an amazing community after their shitty freshman year.

But I don't know if I can trust it.

I don't want to sound all negative and "woe is me" and shit, so this is not me complaining (or maybe it is, but this is my journal so fuck it, I can do what I want).

I want to trust that there are better people out there, and there clearly are, because I have you the 3 people I still talk to from high school, and like, 2/3 people here. But just looking at the past and (bringing up something I was told in therapy:) playing the tape forward, I feel like I've been through this before, and I already know how it's going to end.

I want to be hopeful, and I want to be able to work on things I like with people I like (or at least that I can work well with). But I'm just so scared. I literally don't think I could ever say the right words to describe how terrified I am of the future and the unknowns that come with it.

I don't know if I have the skills to interact with people who stress me out in a way that doesn't end with me having another breakdown. I don't know if I have the capacity to interact with strangers who have thoughts about me that I don't know about.

It's not a question of my effort or work ethic or desire (because I don't really have that last one anyways). It's a terrible feeling that no matter what I do, I'm going to run into people that will make life harder for me.

I don't know that I want to do theatre design, or design at all for that matter. I keep saying things when people ask me, or I'll say I'm interested in music videos or film design. I'll lie and say I'm having fun during the process, and I'll tell my family that I want to finish here.

But I just want the diploma. I want the proof, and the validation that I got through it. I want that "key" to open doors that supposedly are locked without a degree. But I'm a theatre major, so it's actually useless. This industry is "all about who you know", and I only know the worst people.

If it were up to me, I think I'd like to disappear. I'd like to stop existing. Not die necessarily, but I'd like to not have to think about the future, or the now, or the anything. I don't want to stop where I am, because then I'll probably miss my family and the few friends I have (and I'd like to think they'd miss me), but if everything stopped existing- if I didn't exist- everything would be so much better. So I guess not so much disappear, but rather not have appeared in the first place. I didn't choose to be born, and if given the choice, I don't think I would have.

~~~

Oh, I did go to the ren faire. It was... "fun", I think I like following my friends around when they seem excited for things. But it was more tiring and I don't think I like just walking around, surrounded by temptations to waste money. But some of the shows were entertaining. And my friends here also want to go so... I guess I'll follow them around soon. I think going once is enough. I don't think I'd ever be compelled to go on my own volition.

Well, it's 12:25a now, I think even if I did have more to type, I'm too tired and my head hurts too much for me to continue.

Oh shit, tired. The sleep study. Next time.

Goodnight.

[lunyrbug]

RUNAWAYS || Crossposting from wattpad || Chapter 1

park jimin was bored out of his mind. and when i say bored, i mean so bored his life felt like watching grass grow after the seeds have just been planted.

that is how bored this man was. it was almost sad.

he and his best friend, jungkook, were doing the same thing every day at this point. wake up, go to work, hang out, eat, go to bed, rinse and repeat. and jesus christ did he hate a routine. it got boring after the 2nd semester of freshman year. he even graduated and things stayed the same. the only time it changed was during exams, which made things even more painstakingly boring. 

jimin needed a change of scenery.

---

jeon jungkook felt the same way. he wanted to see the stars on the roof of a house in the big city and talk to jimin next door. he didn't want to have to look through a telescope on the apartment balcony to get a glimpse of the world outside of his little bubble.

he wanted to climb out onto the rail and feel more alive than he's ever felt. he wanted to breathe fresh air and smell life. smell something so ethereal that he'd forever be dumbfounded.

jungkook needed a change of scenery.

---

so when the boys met up, they had to talk about it.

"i'm bored." the duo said in unison. they had said it so many times before, and they normally found a video game to play and snacks to eat. today was different. they had beaten all the games and had to save money from their part-times. they were truly bored. they sat down on jimin's fluffy blue carpet. "so what do we do? we have no games, can't buy anything..." jungkook spoke, tapping his chin. "i have an idea." jimin said, gasping quietly. he always came up with some...peculiar ideas. before they had gotten jobs, they had almost started a study help business. they quickly learned that they needed to actually be good at studying and make good grades to help others do the same.

jungkook perked up at jimin's sudden speech. "is it a good one?" he asked, tilting his head excitedly. "please let it be a good one, i'm so sick of hoping we catch a meteor falling to earth in time to snap a picture and have something interesting happen for once!" "it's as good as it's gonna get," jimin shrugged. "hear me out. i think...we run away from here." "what?" jungkook looked stunned. he was certainly dumbfounded, but not in the way he wanted. "we run away. we'll never be bored again! it'll be fun. we find out who we are and explore the country, maybe even the globe!" jimin said, convinced his idea was amazing. "hyung?" "hm?" "that is the dumbest idea i've ever heard. run away?! what will our parents say? we don't have the finances for that! where will we live? how do we know we won't just wander into some dangerous country and not make it out alive?" jungkook rambled on and on about the flaws of the idea. jimin paused. he hadn't thought about that. "our parents would love for us to get a taste of the real world. we saved up money, this could be our use for it! we go where the world takes us and use our phones. forget we have those? it's a foolproof plan if we do it right!" "it's not a foolproof plan if there's an 'if we do it right' directly following it. that implies there is a way to fail." jungkook deadpanned.  both boys knew they were correct. they just had to plan things out.

---

"okay. so. my mom says yes to us taking your car for our little road trip." jungkook looked up from his phone.

"she doesn't mind us not being back indefinitely?" jimin asked, obviously surprised. jungkook nodded. his mom was lenient. "so we leave when?" "7 am tomorrow morning." "let's pack!" jungkook jumped up, already excited. the boys now had something to do. a mission. they'd call it 'project runaway.' [patent pending]

[thinkhugo]

Final Assignment:Manifesto-"Reach for the Stars!"

Reach for the stars. This is exactly how I would describe my findings and pieces of work this semester. Why? Because of all the things I grew to learn and how my perspective changed. This sounds extremely broad but of course, let me explain. I started this semester not thinking humanities could benefit me at all because I was content with the media and art I already knew prior. If I ever did look at new pieces of art, I would just look at the first outside layer instead of digging deeper and finding out the origin of it. This class has allowed me opportunities to create products from my brain and further analysis. Starting with the first assignments, I had to reflect on such a deep memory, that I didn't even know it was in there, about the Eiffel Tower and my hopes and dreams in life as a boy living in Bolivia. This class made me realize how much I did reach my dreams because not only did I get out of there to the U.S. where there are better opportunities to live, but I have the chance to learn and express myself in a class I pay for as an adult. If I had told myself as a young person that I would still be learning in the academic aspect in my 50’s I would have told myself “You’re crazy!”. Another way growth comes into play in this theme is when I talked about the living spaces in my home. In a literal sense, I wish I could grow the office space by my kitchen because it is utterly cramped and there is no way someone can actually be productive in an area and environment like this. Life can be like this. So busy and cramped that it can get in the way of things and people we enjoy that make life worth living. A cheesy metaphor, but I think it is so true. The musical theme assignment in Module 8 was definitely in my top favorites because of the way it forced me to expand my music taste and research skills! I would not have listened to the majority of the songs I included on a daily basis, but that does not mean in any way they are bad songs. Music taste is in the eye of the beholder and every piece of art, literature, music, and so on has something to offer to all kinds of people worldwide. In Module 6 I examined a poem entitled, “Stars”. It was simple but wonderfully worded. Stars and outer space never cease to blow my mind. God’s creation never fails to be amazing and beautiful as this poet described well. These stars were literal, but of course still go with my theme I believe. I took this class solely to complete my AA not thinking I would really soak in the information. In the end however, I am walking away with answers to questions I had no idea about before. What an information packed class! To “reach for the stars” I think means to never give up in life even in miniscule matters. It is so incredibly important to always have goals in life so that you wake up with a purpose. Maybe one day the goal could be to help someone in need. Another day the goal could be to quit my job and preach in a foreign land with my wife. This evidently is a goal of mine which will happen in due time. Whatever it may be, I always try to make everyday worth it and not full of regret. Plus, I would never want to do anything to displease God. I reached for the stars as a kid, and I will never stop reaching for them now.

[seafoamchild]

april 21st

i'm on wellbutrin now. i don't know if it's helping. i think it's too soon to tell. either way i still find myself getting anxious to the point where i just can't focus on anything. and i feel on the verge of tears all the time. i fight it so hard but the feeling is there, in my body, and i can't make it go away.

i'm anxious about my semester ending and my graduation coming up and feeling like i learned nothing this semester and did nothing to advance towards this career path. i spent most of my time working and hanging out and procrastinating and running. and i fucked up my internship. and part of me has always been like, wtf are you thinking? like thinking i'm going to enjoy sitting at a computer all day for work. *sigh* i guess i won't know until i try.

and i'm anxious because i don't know what to do this summer. i felt really sure i wanted to quit my serving job for a minute there, but i've been having second thoughts because i know i don't function well without a job. like i'd get so depressed not having structure in my schedule. but i also want to have time to do fun things and travel before i supposedly start a web design job. and it's going to be hard to get a lot of time off from my serving job this summer. but the money is going to be so enticing. but i want to go on a trip. and i'm not sure if lora will actually do it with me. and i want to go on trips with luke. but i don't want to overdo it and spend too much time together. there is so much on my mind, holy shit.

luke told me he loves me. i told him i love him too. and i definitely do. he's all i can fucking think about and it's really annoying. like i really don't want to be obsessing over him, but here i am, spending every waking moment daydreaming and wishing he was here. it's awful honestly. like it's exciting and cute but these are huge emotions and i am handling a lot of emotions right now. so i'm just overwhelmed i guess. trying not to spiral but it's a constant, CONSTANT battle.

we went to chicago together over my spring break. our first overnight trip. we took acid on the train there. only half a tab. but it ended up hitting hard. i was really tripping. we walked around the city and it wasn't super enjoyable honestly. we both felt the grime and dirtiness of the city and it was just sensory overload. we went to chinatown and it was just... a lot. we had some amazing pork and dill dumplings though but we were a little too fucked up so the restaurant felt a little scary. in retrospect i wish we would have gone to a museum or the aquarium, i don't know why we didn't. i guess because the weather was nice. oh well. we went to a dive bar, met up with sam and had a lot of beers, and got vegan tacos. and then went in the sauna for way too long. i seriously almost passed out. i had to lay on the couch and then we just looked at maps together and talked about our favorite shaped states. i said arkansas looked cute and squishy, like you could just hold it in between your thumb and your finger.

then the next day we met up with his cousins and hung out. it was fun and cute. but i had noooo appetite. like hungover from the acid trip i guess. the bed and breakfast made me this incredible avocado toast and i could barely eat it. and then we went to a ukrainian bakery for lunch and everything was delicious but i just got full after like 3 bites. it was sad because all i wanted to do in chicago was EAT.

so it was objectively just not a very successful trip to be honest, but despite everything, i think that's where i fell in love with him. like throughout the whole overwhelming acid trip i was just happy to be with him. we had so many fun conversations. like in the morning when we sat outside on the porch smoking a joint just talking about our favorite games we used to play as kids. idk. we just had a lot of moments where i felt so close to him. his presence was gentle and easy and reliable.

and that sealed the deal for me, i guess. we missed each other so much while i was in nevada. and when i got back we just made out in my bed for hours. it felt so sweet to see each other after a week apart. i feel like he's finally giving me the things i have needed this whole time - being more forthcoming with his thoughts, listening to me without judging and offering thoughtful advice, complimenting me, and being more affectionate.

he's still kind of hard to talk to sometimes. our communication styles are different. he's so comfortable with silence. and he doesn't always have a response to things i say. but i tend to ramble and just speak nonsense when there's silence, and i know that. i'm still getting used to it, i guess. that just because he doesn't have an excited and bubbly demeanor doesn't mean he's bored of me. and just because he doesn't want to spend all his free time with me doesn't mean he's bored of me. he loves me for goodness sake.