#which in hindsight was probably the transgenderism

[theboy-thebitch-thelegend]

my toxic trait is listening to classic rock and becoming convinced that actually i can totally fail my classes and somehow get a classic car and pursue my middle school dream of being a paranormal vlogger getting income from ???? and this is totally realistic

[brmafkn]

We Need to Teach Our Children About Gender Identity: A Short Anecdotal Essay

When I was a kid, there was this old lady that was good friends with my grandma, and she lived across the street from me. Every summer growing up, her grandkids (a boy and a girl, both close to my age) would come visit for a couple of weeks. I became pretty close friends with the girl, and for years she referred to me as her best friend, even though she lived half the country away and we only saw each other during the summer and occasionally Christmas.

One summer, when we were probably like ten or twelve, she and I were walking around the neighborhood and talking, and she said to me, “I have something weird to tell you. It sounds crazy.” I didn’t think this was particularly strange, because she and I were both little weirdos and we said crazy things all the time. So I said, “It’s probably not as crazy as you think it is.” She took a deep breath and said, “I think I’m a boy.”

Now, you have to understand that my little kid brain didn’t think this was such a strange thing for her to say, even though as far as I was concerned, it wasn’t true. She wore boys clothes and complained a lot about her bra, but I wore boy-ish clothes too, and training bras were pretty uncomfortable in the first place. I figured she just thought she liked boy stuff better and that was fine, I liked boy stuff better too. But she wasn’t a boy the same way I wasn’t a boy; we both had to wear those stupid itchy bras and that was that.

And I told her, “But you’re not a boy. We’re girls.” She seemed a little exasperated, which in hindsight is completely understandable, and said, “No, I know. But I feel like a boy. I think I’m a boy but in a girl’s body.” Again, my little kid brain didn’t understand at all what she was trying to say. “I don’t know what you mean,” I said. “I don’t know how to explain it,” she told me, “Just that I think I’m a boy.” “Well, you’re not,” I said, and that was the end of it.

I absolutely could not wrap my head around the idea that a boy could be in a girl’s body. Boys were boys and girls were girls and that was just the way it was. If I’d known about gender-identities I might have had a different reaction at the time, but as it was I was transphobic and I didn’t even know what transgenderism was. That girl never came out; for all I know maybe it was a phase. But it also might be that when she was ten she came out to her childhood best friend, got shoved right back in the closet, and stayed there. And that’s my fault, and I didn’t even know what I was doing.

We have to teach our kids about gender-identity because people have the right to be who they are—but children only know what they’re told. They might scar somebody forever and not even know it.

[itismekieran-blog]

My Coming Out Letter

To everyone,

This is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to write, because I’m going to share with you a truth about myself; a truth I’ve denied for my whole life. I’ve been working on this letter for a considerable amount of time, probably longer than necessary. In this letter, I hope to answer questions and concerns you may have, and try my best to explain everything to the best of my ability in a way that makes sense to you.

However, despite my intentions, you will have remaining questions, which you can ask me at a later date when you feel comfortable. Stick with me through this letter as I explain the best I can.

The reason I’ve spent so long on this letter, putting so much effort into making sure that what I say is what I truly want to say, exactly how I want it said, is because I am writing to tell you that I am a transgendered human being.

In hindsight, this shouldn’t be surprising; I never really tried to hide it. You’ve been through every stage; I’ve never liked “girly” things, or pink and frilly things. I went through that tomboy phase, but now I know it’s not a phase - it’s who I am. But if this is a jarring proclamation to you, keep reading and absorb as much information as you can, so I can try and explain some things.

All throughout my life, I’ve always felt like something was wrong; my entire life, I’ve felt like something was just off about me. And yes, I do mean my entire life, even at an age when I didn’t have a perception of what gender was. I’ve always felt off in my body, like the world expected things from me that did not sync with what was happening to me or what I wanted from life.

For some time, I’ve identified as a lesbian, specifically a “butch lesbian”, which is defined as a more masculine lesbian, who looks, speaks, walks, and dresses as a cisgender male. And for a time, this gave me some amount of comfort. I was surrounded by people who supported me and loved me. But I soon realized that I was not a lesbian, but something else entirely, something that wasn’t even related to sexual orientation. Think of this as a stepping stone to who I really am, the push I needed, the courage and confidence I needed to even type this letter out.

I have the brain of a male. It is likely biological, caused by “off” hormonal developments. My mind is a male, but it’s in the body of a female, and it’s been this way for as long as I’ve lived, regardless of how I was raised or how my experiences have influenced me.

Long ago, I learned there is a name for my condition - Gender Identity Disorder, also called Gender Dysphoria. It’s characterized by a pervasive, lifelong identity with the opposite gender. It involves a conflict between a person’s physical gender and the gender they identify with. It is not homosexuality, it is not a fetish, it is not crossdressing, nor anything related to sex. It’s not an issue of sex at all; it is a matter of personal gender identity - the sense of what and who one is.

Imagine yourself, a girl or boy, in the opposite body, unable to do anything about it. You view the world as a girl or boy, but have to live as society says, pushed along by tradition and survival instinct into identities that are uncomfortable for you, perhaps even unpalatable. Your very existence is laced with lies, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.

This is how it has always been for me, for the entirety of my existence.

For years, I felt there was nothing to do about how I felt, and therefore, I did nothing. Transgenderism is not a habit you can break, a mindset to force your way out of, or something you can treat with therapy or drugs. It is a genetic construction that will never change.

But there is something to be done about it. I knew it was always a possibility through my transgender friends and research on the internet, but until now, I’ve been too scared to even consider making it a reality. It took time for me to build up the courage to admit to myself that it would be a mistake to continue living in a body I disliked, to understand that any anxiety I had about doing anything to solve my problems were outweighed by the problems themselves, and the implications that they would have on my well-being for the rest of my life.

I’m finally doing something about it. I’m transitioning from female to male.

I’m going to assume you’ll want to know what this means, for you and for me. Here’s what this all means; I will no longer be living as or identifying as a female; I will be undergoing hormone replacement therapy to cancel out my body’s female hormones with male ones; I will be physically developing as a male; I will stop following female fashion trends and begin to dress as a male; I will be undergoing a long and tedious process to change every single bit of identification related to me to reflect my male identity, including a change of name. As soon as I’m able to, I will legally be changing my name to Kieran.

Above all, I want people to understand this is not a choice. I am not deciding to become a boy. I am simply allowing myself to be who I am, because I am done lying about who I am. I am going to be opening myself up to discrimination and hate. I am going to jeopardize my likelihood of finding a life partner who accepts me. I am opening myself up to abandonment and rejection by family and friends. These are not things I would choose to do. I’m going to go into debt due to medical bills, and this is not something I would choose to do.

This is the next step of my life. This was always going to happen because it was never my choice.

Coming to grips with this has constantly sent me into depression and loneliness. Nearly every personal problem that I’ve had, I can trace back to repressed questions of gender identity. Forcing myself to realize and embrace it took years, and after that, the fear and uncertainty of what to do about it made me miserable.

I never told anyone. I never said what made me sad or simply lied about it. Coming out as transgender - telling someone “I’m transgendered” - was far too scary to consider. Instead, I became jealous of people more brave than me and all full of self-pity, and it’s because I was too scared to tell someone there was something wrong with me. Despite how scary it still is, it gets easier, and that’s why I’m now able to send this to you.

I’m writing this letter so that you can understand what I’m going through, because I feel like it would be unfair for you to not know. I don’t expect you to give me three cheers or to be my support group. I just don’t want to give people the wrong impression of me anymore and this letter is my first step in showing you how I really am. If this means you don’t want me around anymore, if you don’t want to speak to me anymore, that’s okay. I understand.

I can’t ask for acceptance from everyone. I don’t even expect it. I just want you to know.

In the near future, my future will be underway; things will be changing about how I dress, my mannerisms, my voice, my looks. But keep in mind that beneath it all, I’m the same person: same likes, same dislikes, same sense of humor, same taste. It’s going to be strange and different, and I know most of you have never had to go through this before - it’s okay, I haven’t either. There will be awkward situations. I know I’ll be referred to as a female, and I know it will feel weird having to correct yourself. I expect it and I’m fine with it. I also expect questions and I want them asked without fear.

I’m writing this to all my friends and family, but it will be those I’ve known the longest that this will affect the most. I do feel like I should apologize for keeping this a secret for so long, for building up a wall between us that I led you to believe didn’t exist. I’m not sorry for who I am, but I am sorry for who I made you believe I was.

Again, all I can ask for is your understanding. Since coming to terms with this, I’m already a happier person. I’m taking my life into my own hands and I’m going to live it the way I deserve to live it. I refuse to go on acting as I’ve felt the world would like me to.

This is my own story and I’m going to write myself the way I want to be.