#which is awful and i feel guilty for :(
Text
...did I really just see a poll asking how much art an artist should be EXPECTED to produce?
The answer is zero expectations, jesus fuck. Art you consume for free is a fucking gift, and if you're paying for it, the schedule is between you and the artist.
Can you even imagine feeling that entitled to someone else's creativity. What kind of capitalist dystopian hellscape do we live in.
#adventures with swaps#hell i put an awful lot of expectations on myself to produce stories#to the point i am rewarding myself on finishing fugue by playing god of war guilt-free#as if that wasn't something i could just DO whenever i feel like it#because i don't get paid to write fanfic#AND YET I FELT GUILTY playing a game instead of writing#and even devoting MOST of my free time to it#I STILL went without posting an update for over three months#which i felt TERRIBLE about#HOW MUCH ART SHOULD AN ARTIST BE EXPECTED TO PRODUCE?#fuck right off
507 notes
·
View notes
Text
Please, for the love of gods, allow yourself to consume content/media uncritically
You can be aware of issues a show/game/movie/etc has but you don't need to be aware of it *all* the time, you shouldn't have to justify yourself liking it every time you go to talk about it.
You shouldn't have to feel like you're the worst person in the world just because you like something that happens to have problematic stuff in it.
And you're setting yourself up for failure if you go into something immediately looking for all of the bad in it, you're setting yourself up to be unable to enjoy it! And if you do manage to enjoy it it'll likely just feel wrong because of that!
I'm begging y'all not to consume *everything* critically and to sometimes enjoy things uncritically.
#its so fucking easy to end up demonizing yourself just because you like media thst isnt deemed “good”#i only just recently realized how fucking guilty id feel admitting i like watching helluva boss to other people outside of my circle. or#feeling thr need to warn people about the heavy racism in baldur's gate 3 for the fear of being seen as an awful person for praising the#game despite thst in it. fuck i even feel bad admitting i like watching law and order special victims unit bc of its content and how often#it just goes- *wrong* but like- i realized a lot of that is bc my brain and my ocd are constantly trying to take content in critically.#trying to always shame it bc its “bad” either bc of its content or its creators and thus my ocd has a field day of turning thst around to#meam that *im* bad because i enjoy it. which isnt fucking true. i enjoy iy#which isnt true. i can know stuff is not good/great for various reasons but i can still enjoy it without that inherently make me bad#anyway bc this is tumblr im already expecting people to try to twist my words and intents to make this seem like s horrible thing#idc atm bc my head hurts from trying to just exist and relearn how to enjoy stuff without fucking purity culture and my ocd shame watching#me lile a fuckin hawk#cant wait to see how freeing it feels tho once i stop giving as much of a fuck/worry
122 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#tw suicide#tw overdose#tw suicide attempt#a close friend of mine overdosed for the 4th time in as many weeks last night and i just dont know what to feel anymore#she was sent home from the emergencies the 1st time and was staying with me for the 2nd which i still feel guilty about#how i was an idiot for not hiding any meds while i was in the shower#spent the full day at the hospital with her to make sure she was taken into inpatient care and not just dismissed#then yesterday morning shes released from the hospital and winds up in the same place that dismissed her the 1st time in the evening#and now isnt replying to any of my messages#and im just oscillating between feeling sick to my stomach with anxiety and nothing at all#and then feeling guilty when i feel nothing#or guilty that im angry at her because she purposefully did and said thing to hurt me#but shes hurting and i need and want to give her some slack but i just felt that attachment i had to her fade after the last thing she did#and i cant even bring it up with her bc last time i did she spiralled and didnt talk to me for a week#which is fucking worrying when shes so unstable#but ive not been eating or sleeping and just feel awful and anxious#at least now i have xanax for the panic attacks and dont have to rely on alcohol anymore but god#i just want things to get better#vent#delete later
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
decided to make a list of all my diagnosed issues and like fucking. god damn. how am i just living day to day.
#nine bullet points#of diagnosed things i struggle#i struggle with#1. type one diabetes 2. adhd 3. bipolar 4. severe anxiety 5. depression 6. insomnia 7. migraines 8. dpdr 9. ptsd#and im just ?? existing like this??? literally how what the fuck#there’s more than that too thats just like the actual able to be diagnosed shit#probably also at least slightly autistic but my psychologist said that its not bad enough to impact me big time and a diagnosis would do mor#more harm than good so im just kind. Not lmao#but also: abandonment issues self worth issues guilty conscience issues feeling unworthy of literally everything issues#awful at establishing boundaries#sh issues#(not for like years but its a struggle to not relapse every year esp during winter)#suicidal ideation but at least ive never actually been suicidal#not bc i particularly love being alive but because the fact that i dont know what comes after death scares me too much lmao#even at my lowest of lows i have not wanted to kms SOLELY bc the unknown scares me enough to be like#yeah this sucks but at least i know it#at least it’s like familiar which is sad but still true lma#OH ALSO eating disorder lmao. diabulimia is a thing.#genuinely how have i not been fucking hospitalized#not in a bad way but like. idk how i havent gotten to that point yet#tho to be fair there are multiple points i probably should have been tbh#i just. dont want to worry people? or inconvenience anyone. and i know im not gonna kms so its easy to be like ‘i dont need that’#i have overshared way too much in these tags sorry i’ll stop now#if anyone has actually read all of these: i’m sorry. i love you. i hope you feel better than i do. i hope you smiled today.
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
Every time I talk to my sister I feel like I'm going fucking insane how is she so utterly convinced she's the victim when she treats people like this
#i honestly don't know how she has her head this far up her ass#If you try and make her see how shitty she makes you feel she brings up every little thing you ever did to her#most of which is only the result of her treating you like shit#like yes. if you treat people like dirt for years on end they ARE going to yell at you#i don't even know how to express any of this to her it just hurts#she's awful to my parents awful to me all the time#you ask her to do a basic fucking task and she gives you the nastiest look#i genuinely don't fucking know what's wrong with her and honest to god my family has tried everything#and the worst part is every time i get mad at her even if I'm logically speaking in the right#i feel awful and guilty and i want to rip my fucking skin off#i got so many fucking bruises my legs hurt like hell i swear to god#genuinely feel like I'm going crazy#anyway.#vent tw#sh mention tw#i guess.
11 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hey bestie how ya feelin tonight??
like this
#bpd is doing its job today which booooo but i also regret eating at all today like i had fun but now i feel like i ate too much today and#so like i have to die now because that's such a terrible awful thing#also i feel guilty for many many reasons#I'm so pretty tho so oh well who cares
42 notes
·
View notes
Text
want everyone to know that i had a nice day today :)
#went to breakfast w a classmate took an awful test then let myself come home and like. take a nap for the rest of the day.#which was really needed i think. i do have a weird headache but it was nice to like. chill and sleep w/out feeling extremely guilty#and weird about it#and also! i just feel very chill today :)#w.me
26 notes
·
View notes
Text
my “feeling” of gender (whatever that even means) has always been shifting very slowly over like years of time, so i feel like i was a girl and then became nonbinary and had a phase where i resonated with the term transmasculine but now (currently) i lowkey just feel like im a girl. but i can’t tell anyone because that’s crazy humiliating after having been out as trans for years. lol
#not like anyone needs to know. it’s just. weird?#personal log#like i literally am just a girl and have been for months idk#i don’t think ive ever really understand what ‘feeling’ a certain gender even means#and i exist in the world as a girl so like. that feels the most accessible to my understanding#at the current moment. i don’t know#i feel extremely guilty about it though which is really fun ! like ive betrayed myself or whatever#but also like detaching myself from gender roles/expectations while also just letting myself exist as a woman feels normal#clearly i think that’s something all women should do#like what does nonbinary even mean. i dont know. i Dont#i cant write any more abt this or else i will start feeling really awful so goodbye
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Gaslighting, my old friend, I'll fall for you every single time <3
#i have known my dad is an alcoholic since i was literally 4 and my mom told me thats the reason she divorced him#ive been to COA support group twice in my life. i have the horrible personal anecdotes. i have the constant anxiety.#and still !!! with the right amount of ridicule in the right setting ill question everything#a spiral of misery and self doubt and paranoia etc etc#for context: im on a vacay with my dad and sis and his childhood friends#and i published a short nonfiction story where i talk about how isolating it can be when your parent is an addict#and EVERYONE is making constant jokes in reference to this text like 'ohhh like the alcoholic i am *wink wink* im gonna have another beer'#several times a day. and ive just not been saying anything abt it bc i feel guilty abt 'exposing' my dad even tho isnt not even a secret#but seeing as my sister is never on my side abt this and that his friends are obviously on his side i feel like the loneliness girl on earth#and tbh there rly isnt any sides to this bc addiction is just a horrible fucking disease for everyone involved#but he makes it into this awful game where i always come out the loser bc im just a kid and i cant make anyone believe me#im not a kid. obviously. but thats what this feels like. like im the little kid with silly stories no one believes#and the worst part is i wrote the text trying to reclaim what has been a lifetime of centering HIM and his addiction into everything i do#trying to protect him and his dignity#and this was my trying to reclaim my life and talk about how IM affected for once#but once again he ends up being the centre of conversation of my text. which. btw is about a lot more than my dad
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
i sorta hate life today agh
#i’ll probably feel better after therapy#but like everything is awful in ways that are both obvious and intangible#like i wanna go home and just sleep but at the same time i don’t wanna be home but at the same time i feel guilty going out bc financials#so basically life sucks in many ways#posting art gave serotonin but it was fleeting which sucks bc then i feel like i don’t properly appreciate support from friends#and it’s just a messy feedback loop#i also like can’t decide if i wanna do therapy today or not. like i don’t have a choice but still#this isnt even abt anything im just talking rn#vent#ughhhhhhhhhhhhh
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
google how do i enjoy smoking weed again. Google how do I go back in time to mend that which was broken
#the craziest switch up you will ever see in your life is me one year ago smoking daily to me now smoking like. once or twice a month#it's scary bc it's like i can't smoke anymore. i get racing thoughts real bad and instead of vegging out i feel guilty about being “lazy”#which sucks bc now that i work full time something that could turn my brain off after work would be SO helpful#and i miss being so effortlessly awed by what i consumed while high. tv music food whatever#I'll never get that back again. or maybe i will. who fckn knows!#anyway if I'm on tumblr less now it's cuz I've been “welcome to the real world sucker'd” and never have the energy to be here anymore#if u need me im playin mobile solitaire and listening to an episode of frasier
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
listen if youre online arguing about what "true punk' is youre already too far gone. ok now that being said i have a secret opinion to share ⬇️
#i know how lame it is to care about ''posers'' like literally who cares we're all adults just do yo thang#but.............. the more time i spend in my local scene(s) the more i become aware of ppl who are like aspirationally alternative#like you wanna be edgy bc you think its badass and counterculture#but you dont have the backbone to do anything for yourself without worrying about how others will see you#like youre so deadset on fitting in to this one subculture but you seemingly dont particularly like anything about it?#all you want is to look cool in front of your peers so you just absorb whatever is popular with them at the time.#opinions music attitude appearance all based on whatevers trendy. which we're all guilty of i know#but why try so hard to fit into this idealistic 'punk' label. it sucks and is so lame and everyone can tell how hard youre posturing#and not to throw stones in glass houses but these ppl r so awful to talk to#seemingly never attempted an original thought in their life. speaks exclusively in twitter/tiktok/tumblr memes or buzzwords#never really listens to you and only factors in your opinion after he's run it by the ppl he wants to fit in with#um i mean they 🧍#could be thinking of a specific guy i know. maybe#anyways i think im discovering in real time what a ''poser'' is and its making me feel like a cranky old man#always have to remind myself to be empathetic and not judge too harshly bc literally who am i and who cares#but it still gets my goat occasionally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
hi im alive i think i have (had??) tonsillitis but my tonsils are feeling a lot better today and im less stuffy but i’ve stayed home from work all week and my boss and coworkers definitely hate me for it 🙃
but in good news: my new keyboard showed up!!!! it’s like clear/pink and it sounds super satisfying to type with, i just need to get used to the new spacing since it is smaller than my old one and doesn’t have a numpad but eeeee im excited to use it!!!!!
#im so stressed about work tho#i tried to go into work yesterday and had to leave early bc i was literally useless#i couldn't stand for too long without feeling like i was going to pass out#i called out this morning and usually my boss just hits me w an OK but she straight up ignored me today#which super unprofessional but ok#and then my coteacher has been telling me how awful it's been so i keep apologizing for not being there#and whenever she's not at work and apologizes i always tell her it's okay it's not your fault#but when i apologize for not being there she brushes it off and keeps complaining and making me feel bad so i'm like#trying to not feel guilty or stressed for not being at work because i know i need to get better#but i am still very much stressed#at least i have a cool keyboard now though
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
terfs will be like WE’RE EVERYWHERE WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE YOUR FAMILY IS ALL TERFS YOUR BABY COUSIN IS A TERF YOUR BEST FRIEND IS A TERF OURS NUMBERS GROW BY THE DAY like lmaoooo okay. only terf i’ve ever met irl was a girl in the psych ward. she also talked about being able to talk to animals and being part of the illuminati so. that’s kind of embarrassing for you guys
#not making fun of her or anything#i was in there too#just saying like. only terfs i’ve met were already not mentally stable#so why would i trust their judgement#when they say they’re everywhere it’s like okay lol no there’s like. two of you#in your little echo chamber#being hateful and spiteful and bitter#and some queer people are guilty of being in their own echo chambers#but the ones i know (and myself) tend to be pretty open to new ideas#we’re just confident in our beliefs and morals and sometimes decide that we don’t agree with something and that ≠ being closed minded#anyways it’s kind of sad to see radfems who are clearly traumatized and hurt by the awful world we live in but they choose to become hatef#i genuinely hope that all the radfems out there get peace and see that being trans or using microlabels or being kinky isn’t bad#and that they can be themselves#which doesn’t mean they have to be queer and kinky or whatever#just not hate everyone who is#and i hope they feel safe enough to not constantly attack others#there’s this quote somewhere that’s like#‘if you try to eliminate the groups of people you hate you will have failed in your goal and you will have commited atrocities’#n that’s kind of how i feel about this#okay rant over lmaooo#radfem#radblr#radical feminism#transgender#mogai#terfblr#terfs
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i feel bad going to artists with reference photos of desi wedding dresses for comms bc they’re so detailed it seems like a pain to draw so i feel guilty but like 😭 idk my guy
#i sent it the other day but they take a bit to reply so i haven’t gotten an answer yet#but i’m like 🥹 what if they yell at me in their head like#omg this dress is such a pain to draw#which i honestly shouldn’t feel that way bc a) im paying for it and they can just politely decline if they’re not up for it#and b) i shouldn’t feel guilty over my culture#BUT LIKE#idk if i had to color that many details i would be like#jeez this is a lot#SO I FEEL BAD#but also i won’t be hurt if they say aw sorry that’s a bit too detailed for me#BUT I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE ASKING IN YHE FIRST PLACE#but i shouldn’t#IDK BRO IM HEAVY OVERTHINKING THIS
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
the weight of Two Tasks on my shoulders
#i have 2 thigns (technically 3) that i have to do by tonight (basically) which is in about 6 hours which is a lot of time but its almost 6pm#right now so its like almost the end of the day which it isnt and i havent made a lot of progress in either of the tasks which makes me fee#awful but im sitting here watching videos like i dont have anything which i do and its making me feel guilty that im not doing anything but#the fact that i have to do those things is paralyzing me and im just. yeah . goddamnit both take a bucnh of time to do but i could do them#in such a short amount of time oh my god why is my brain like thisssss please i need to work on these tasks please brain stop iut pleasesk#rambles
6 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
tarimotomasyonsistemleri
Tarım otomasyon sistemleri
lakelando
Lake
senmomerchantservice
Senmo Merchant Service