#while simultaneously being absolutely terrified of the idea of giving or receiving affection at all

[pear1ridge-a]

tate is so so clingy w the people he cares about

[staticscreenwriting]

Casual moths - chapter eight

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Chapter eight - secrets and labels

The heat is sweltering and Angel has to wipe the sweat off of his eyebrows every few minutes as he mounts yet another shelf on the walls of the flower shop.

He and Coco have been working on getting the shop back up for about 2 and a half weeks now. The windows are back in place, the shelves are almost all set up and most of the walls have received a fresh coat of paint. All that’s left to do is the big centre-wall, the one behind the counter that people see first thing as they enter the building. 

Back before the incident, that wall was painted a light blue colour, nothing overly exciting or eye-catching. Angel thinks that needs to change. Callie is no ordinary women and this shop should reflect that. A girl who’s overcome so many adversities and so many hardships, she deserves a masterpiece. Even if it’s just a drawing on a wall. He’s already got an idea on what to put there, all he needs now is some paint — and some time.

“ We good for today? “ Coco grumbles as he places a cigarette between his teeth ad lights it which earns him a smack on the head from Angel. “ What? “ 

“ Don’t smoke in here. Place is supposed to smell like flowers, not tobacco. “ 

Angel knows by the look on Coco’s face, there’s something more he wants to say. It’s probably some teasing comment about Angel being whipped or something. Though Coco doesn’t say the words in the end. Just shakes his head with a smirk and puts the cigarette back out. “ Whatever you say, man. “ 

Callie probably wouldn’t mind him smoking but Angel does. For no other reason than the fact that the place really does smell like flowers. Even though Callie has them all stored in her garage and works from there right now, the store still smells of peonies and lilies and roses. Maybe, Angel thinks, it’s a scent so strong it’s soaked into the walls and taken over. Or maybe, maybe it’s just wishful thinking because the scent of flowers is also the scent that follows Callie around — and he loves that scent. 

“ I’m gonna get some paint for the wall tomorrow. You free to — “ 

Though Angel doesn’t get to finish the sentence as the ringing of his phone interrupts him. He’s almost embarrassed to admit it to himself but when he catches Callie’s name on the display, his heart does a silly little jump. He’s never felt this way before and it’s both absolutely terrifying and incredibly exciting.

“ Hey, you. “ 

“ Angel “ 

She only says his name. She only says one single word but Angel immediately knows that something isn’t right. There’s no affection in her voice, no joy or warmth. There’s fear and he hates that.

“ What’s wrong? “ 

Coco’s head snaps towards Angel as those words tumble from his lips, eyes sending him a silent question. 

“ I — I was on the way to drop Daisy off at my mother’s place, I was just about 2 blocks away from the house and EZ escorted me almost all the way here so don’t be mad at him. “ 

“ Callie I don’t give a shit about EZ right now, what’s going on? “ 

“ Travis car is following me around and I don’t know what to do. “ 

This guy is really pushing his luck. Just thinking about that ugly silver car slowly creeping along and following his girls, makes Angel’s blood boil to a dangerous degree. 

“ Where are you? “ 

“ Um — on main street, almost by the ice cream shop. “ 

“ Okay. Listen, you’re just a few seconds from my dad’s shop. Go there, I’ll let him know you girls are coming and to meet you outside. Do not leave until I’m there. You hear me? “ 

Callie doesn’t say anything but he can hear her sniffle through the phone.

“ Babe? You’ll be safe there, I promise. “ 

“ I know. I know, I trust you. “ 

To hear that, it means everything. No one’s ever put a lot of trust in Angel. At least not until he found a family in the club and even then, he knows Bish isn’t 100% convinced of his loyalty. 

“ Good. I’ll see you in a bit. Stay safe! “ 

It’s not something he tacks at the end of his sentence out of courtesy. Not this time. 

“ Everything alright, man? “ Coco asks, eyebrows raised in question.

“ Nah. Nothing’s alright. You good to lock up here? I need to teach someone a lesson. “ 

“ Sure. “ 

“ Thanks man. For everything. “ 

He really means it. A friend like Coco, weird and ridiculous as he can be, is worth so much in a world like this.

Angel grabs his keys and rushes out the door towards his bike, while simultaneously dialling his dad’s number. For once in his life, he prays that time is on his side.

Callie’s car is parked in front of his dad’s butcher shop and Angel feels his heart expand in relieve. It’s quite ironic, isn’t it? How someone can become so important to you in such a short time that their happiness and their wellbeing directly impact your own.

As he steps into the shop, he hears giggling coming from the back. It’s a sound he will never get tired of. Daisy and Callie laughing in harmony, creating the most lovely melody. 

Angel Reyes never spent a lot of time thinking about his own death. Living life like the one he does, it’s something that’s always kind of looming over you but if you focus on it for too long it becomes a heavy burden on your shoulder. So he tries to ignore it mostly. But listening to his girls laugh, he hopes that whenever it’s his time to go, this is what he gets to hear before the end. Because this is the most wonderful sound to him.

“ Hello? “ 

Angel doesn’t receive an answer though as he follows the laughter he is met with the sight of his girls sitting on the couch of his father’s living room. He never knew, never would’ve guessed, that a sight like this was something he wanted to see. And yet, this feels weirdly monumental. Angel is almost sure this is one of the moments that, in retrospect, will be one of the important ones.

“ Angel! “ Daisy’s little voice calls out to him. At least it seems like she’s unaware of the strange mood, of the fear and the frustrations washing through him and Callie. 

“ Hey, princess. You girls are having a good time, huh ?” 

Daisy nods her head enthusiastically, making her curls bounce “so much fun. “

“ Your dad told us some stories about you. “ Callie elaborates.

Felipe sits in the recliner, a content smile visible from underneath his moustache. If he didn’t know him so well, Angel wouldn’t have noticed, alas he does know him well and notices the glint in his father’s eyes right away. Felipe is not happy with the situation. In fact, Angel is sure he’s not happy with the fact that he’s still involved with Callie and in relation, with little Daisy. In his father’s eyes, he’s sure, he will never be good enough for these girls. And truth be told, he probably isn’t. Though for his own sanity, and for Callie, he needs to let himself believe in the fact that he can be enough. That he can be the man Callie thinks he is. The man Daisy thinks he is.

Maybe for once in his life, Angel Reyes can be the hero of his own story.

“ Whatever he told you, it’s not true.” 

“ Only good things “ Felipe scoffs from his place on the recliner. 

“ Ah, I’m sure about that, pop. “ 

He walks over to Callie, places a soft kiss on her head. Her hair smells like heat and flowers and summer. Just like the shop, Callie seems to carry around te perpetual smell of blooming flowers. 

“ You good, mamí? “ 

“ I’m fine. “ 

“ Daisy?” 

“ She’s fine too. Don’t think she really realised something was wrong. “ 

Sometimes Angel wishes he could be a kid again. Just to feel the lightness that comes with it. The feeling of being unbothered by life. The innocence. 

“ Okay good. Did he follow you here? Did you see where he went? “ 

“ I don’t know, I — “ 

Though Callie doesn’t get to finish her sentence as the bell above the door signals a customer stepping into the store. Felipe gets up with a grunt and shuffles towards the front of the store. Whatever the customer says, it doesn’t sound all the way through to the back but just a moment later, Angel can hear his dad speak up loud and clear.

“ Well I am sorry, she’s not here. “ 

And it’s then, that Angel knows who just stepped in. Callie knows it too, he can see her eyes fill with a fear that he never wants to see ever again. It shakes him to his bones, it breaks his heart. Whoever puts it there, he needs to go.

Recognition flashes in the man’s face as Angel steps up next to his dad behind the counter. Travis looks rough. Black circles rim his bloodshot eyes. His shaggy hair hangs in greasy strands down his head and he looks like he hasn’t shaved his patchy beard in a while.

“ There a problem here? “ 

Felipe is just about to speak up when Travis interrupts him. 

“ I um — I’m looking for my girlfriend, actually. We had a fight and she ran off. Saw her come in here. I wanna know where she is. “ 

Angel can feel red hot anger bubbling inside him, taking over. He feels his heart beating faster, wrath causing his ears to ring and his troath to grow a knot.

Though he knows he should keep calm and collected and face this obstacle with a clear mind, that’s not who he is.

In the blink of an eye, he’s got the guy pinned to the wall. Though Travis doesn’t look scared, he just looks — slightly inconvenienced. Like this is just a blip on his grand plan. A tiny hurdle he will have to overcome. Angel won’t let that happen though. If this dude thinks he can mess with Angel’s girlfriend he’s got a storm coming.

“ She’s not your girlfriend and she doesn’t wanna see you. I know it’s you who trashed her place and I know you’ve been stalking here for a while now. I’m only going to say this once. This shit stops now! You don’t follow her anymore, don’t look at her, don’t even think about her or Daisy anymore. If I find out you’re still bothering her, I won’t be so nice. I’ll put a goddamn bullet straight between your beady little weasel eyes. You understand that? “ 

Travis stays silent.

“ I said, do you understand that? “ 

At that, he nods. Though Angel is anything but convinced. His eyes are empty, there’s neither fear nor understanding. Nothing. 

“ Now get the fuck outta here. I don’t give second chances, just so you know. “ 

The door fasl closed behind Travis and Angel lets out a big sigh. Not one of relief, one of frustration. As he glances up at his dad, he can see judgement. He should be used to it, it’s always there. But something about it irks him. He’s not wrong. Not this time!

“ What? “ 

“ I didn’t say anything! “ 

“ Nah but you want to. So come on, say it. “ 

“ Angel —” 

“ You still don’t think I am good enough, right? That’s what this is, isn’t it? You think I’m gonna mess things up for her and Daisy. “ 

“ I didn’t say that.” 

“ Nah, but you thought it. You don’t have to say it to mean it. “ 

“ Stop putting words in my mouth!” 

“ I’m not doing shit. You just can’t hide it from me. I know how it is.” 

Angel Reyes is prone to breaking his own heart. Sometimes his head is so loud and it tells him all the wrong things. Like how his dad will never be as proud of him as he is of EZ. How that is mostly his own fault. Like how his mom would be utterly devastated by the person he’s become. Sometimes the things that are not said, those that play in your own head, are far more heartbreaking and terrifying than the truth. Sometimes the demons you create yourself are the one that gonna eat you whole. 

Pushing past his dad he steps back into the room, seeing Daisy cuddle up to her mother. It’s a sight he’ll never grow tired of, he’s sure of that. His own little piece of heaven. Something soft and warm and happy. Not tainted by his part nor the demons of his present. Just the girls. Just home. A family that chose him. That stands beside him. 

“ Everything alright? “ Callie asks. There’s still fear lingering in her eyes where love should be but for Daisy’s sake, she’s trying to stay calm and not show it. Angel sees though, he always does.

“ Yeah. Everything’s good. Let me take you girls home. “ 

“ Will you stay? “ 

A family that chooses him. That wants him around.

“ Sure.”

“ It’s a nice day out, let me give you some steaks to grill. “ Felipe speaks up and Angel wonders if he feels even a spark of guilt. If this is him trying. 

“ Oh that would be lovely, thank you Felipe. “ 

Callie follows his father back into the shop as Angel plops down on the couch besides Daisy who looks up at him with big beautiful eyes shining with a glimmer of michieve. 

“Hey Princess, you good ?” 

“ Yup. I missed you. “ 

He’s not going to admit it but that sends his heart soaring.

“ We just saw each other last night. I tucked you in, remember?“

“ That’s very long. I missed you a lot. “ 

“ Yeah? “ 

“ Mmh. “

“ I missed you too, kid. “ 

And he realises then, that that’s not even a lie.

“ Does your daddy still have some emenems? “ 

“ Some what?” 

“ Emenems. The crispy ones. “ 

“ Oh, M&Ms. I dunno. You think I should check? “ Angel replies, a smirk on his lips and an eyebrow raised in question.

Daisy nods her head enthusiastically making her hair bounce. 

“ Alright, you wait here and I’ll sneak into the shop to see if I can find some. “ 

 By the smile gracing her face, Angel knows he’s doing something right. And maybe, if he can make her smile, he ain’t such a bad guy after all.

The door leading to the shop is opened slightly and just as Angel is about to step in, he catches a part of a conversation between his father and Callie.

“ Why are you apologizing? “ Felipe says and places a few steaks in a plastic bag.

“ Because I am getting you involved now too. I never meant for that to happen. I didn’t want Angel to have to deal with this either. I just — you are good people. You shouldn’t have to deal with my problems. They’re mine to fix. “ 

If Callie thinks, even for just a second, that Angel isn’t willing to fight her fights for her, she is absolutely mistaken. 

“ What are you saying, Callie?” 

“ Oh I just — Angel is such a wonderful guy and I don’t want him to have to deal with my shit. Sorry, my stuff. I don’t want you guys to be pulled into this and be inconvenienced or get in trouble. “ 

Angel hears his Father’s low chuckle at those words.

“ You know Angel is part of an MC right? You’re scared of getting him into trouble? “ 

“ I do. When I started — “ she sighs “ — things with Angel, I was very aware of who he is. Or at least of the club and what comes with the territory. I might not know the details but I am no fool and neither am I that naive. I knew what I was signing up for. I am afraid he just now realises what he got into when he chose to give me the time of day. I come with a lot of baggage. I’m scared of putting more weight onto him. “ 

Those words hit Angel at the core of his heart. The fact that she even as much as entertains that though is insane to him. There’s so much weight on him that pulls him down and threatens to drown him in this ocean of regret he’s forged himself. Callie though, she’s the one thing keeping him afloat. The one thing lifting his head from beneath the water. 

“ You know, “ Felipe exclaims “ us Reyes men have big egos. We are hot-headed and stubborn, all three of us. Thing is, we pick our fights and we pick them well. Because those are fought for the people we love. And how could anyone ever regret that?” 

“ You think so? “ 

“ I know so, Mija! I was not always a good father to my boys, especially to Angel. But I do hope that I raised him to be loving and brave and to protect the ones he loves. I know he thinks that I think less of him than of EZ. I know he thinks I am not proud. I love my sons, both of them. Equally. Angel was just — easier. EZ demanded attention and guidance. Angel was kind of independent from a young age so I failed to realise the moment when he did need help and guidance and me. That anger and resentment, that has kept him guarded and shut off from people. That is the fight I picked. It’s easier to let him resent me than to explain my own insecurities and shortcoming to him. I am proud of him though, he’s got a good heart, a soft one too. He thinks I don’t want him around you because I don’t think he deserves you. That’s ridiculous. I just know my son, and I know that my actions have turned him bitter and have put insecurities in his head that make him self sabotage. I’m not worried he’s gonna break your heart, I am worried my mistakes lead to him breaking his own heart. But to see you together, it gives me hope. So let him fight for it. For you. That’s what comes with being a part of this family. “ 

It’s like a punch straight into his guts. Though their relationship is strained, Angel feels a massive wave of guilt wash over him. He doesn’t want his dad to feel responsible for his issues. Though a lot probably doesn’t stem from the all-consuming, perpetual sense of being second best to EZ, many of Angel’s insecurities are lies and whispers his mind conjures when life gets chaotic. And that, for once, is not something he can blame on his dad.

“ He’s so amazing, Felipe. He’s warm and kind and goofy. He makes me smile like no other he — he steps up to be a guiding force in Daisy’s life. If nothing else, you and your wife showed him how to love someone. And that means a whole bunch in a world like this. “ 

It does. It really does.

“ Angel! Emenems, please. “ 

It’s like he’s stuck in a moment then, glued to the floor and yet he feels this magnetic force dragging him away. Pulled in both directions. Ultimately though, Daisy wins over. That conversation he’s heard, that was not meant for him. Secrets spilt out and hearts opened and none of it was meant for him to witness. Yet he did and Angel doesn’t think he’s able to forget that anytime soon.

“ Sorry corazon, no more m&ms “.

Daisy shrugs her shoulders casually. “ That’s okay. Can you sit with me? I don’t wanna be alone. “ 

And quite honestly, Angel doesn’t wanna be alone either.

The drive to Callie’s house is not exactly awkward but there’s a tension there, palpable in the air and yet neither of them can really put their finger on it. It’s like you know it’S there but you can’t name it or describe it and so you stay silent for a lack of anything to say. How to you talk about something you don’t even know ?

“ Do you — um “ Callie starts “ do you think he’s got the message? “ 

Angel glances towards her then lifts his hand from the stearing wheel and reaches for hers. 

“ I don’t know, I’ll be there though. If the fucker decides to come back, I’ll be there. “ 

“ Language. “ 

“ Oh fuck, sorry. “ 

“ Angel! “ 

She giggles at his antics and, if anything, that is so worth it. 

“ I heard you talking to my dad. “ 

Callie swallows audibly. 

“ You did? “ 

“ Mh. Querida, I don’t want you to think that you’re a burden to me. I made a choice to let myself enjoy what we have and to uh —  ah shit I am bad at this. “ 

“ Nah you’re good. Go on. “

“ I knew this thing we have was gonna be scary and unfamiliar and new. But I was willing to overcome that and to let myself — fall. I chose to let my guard down and that doesn’t change just because your own life ain’t all butterflies and rainbows. This is something now and your fights are my fights and my fights are yours. We’re in this shit together now. It’s what we choose. Willingly. “ 

“ So many quarters in the swear jar. “ 

“ Ah that’s what you take from this ? “ Angel laughs and tickles Callie’s side “ I’m pouring my black little heart out to you and this is what I get ? “ 

Callie leans over the middle, lips dangerously close to his ear. So close he can feel her hot breath on his skin. “ Oh I’ll repay you once Daisy is a asleep, don’t worry. “ And the hand previously locked with hers, softly squeezes her thigh at those words.

“ Hey uh — can I ask you something? “ 

“ Sure, “ Angel replies.

“ I know this is very high school and everything. But I uh — I would like to put a label on us. I just feel like the way we tiptoe around it is kinda annoying. “ 

“ You askin’ me to be your official boyfriend? “

“ Do you want to be? “ 

“ I dunno, Callie. The least you could do is make me a card. With glitter glue and all that stuff. “ 

“ Stop making fun of me! “ she demands between laughs.

“ Not making fun of you. NEVER! “ 

“ You are. “

“ Nah. Nah. Listen, I would love to be your boyfriend. If that means you are my girl. “ he says then glances towards Daisy in the backseat, patiently playing with her barbie doll “ my girls.” 

“ Angel Reyes, “ Callie answers and places a kiss on his cheek “ we’ve been your girls from the moment we met. “ 

[eleventybiillion]

Dating

Remember when I said I was gonna get real personal? Yeah, it's happening right the fuck now. I signed up for a dating site. A few weeks ago. I may have been really drunk when I did it and my status with my ex was, uh. Questionable. I also may be really drunk right now as I write this. Which just means no filter, so have fun.

So now I'm dating. For real. That kind of dating you're supposed to do in your early 20s when you're not still dating that One Guy you've had an on-and-off thing with since your freshman year of high school. And I wish I could say I'm enjoying it, but the truth is, it's flaring up some of the worst anxieties I have about myself and the pain I've experienced from past relationships.

Since I was maybe 12, I've been putting myself down, relying on self-deprecating humor to brand myself as "the funny one" in all my friend groups because I felt that was the only thing I had to offer. And even then, I often felt so painfully unfunny that I just wanted to remove myself from everyone around me because I had no redeemable qualities.

This view of myself carried over into every aspect of my life. Especially relationships. It was a big deal when I decided to open up and be vulnerable to someone. Because I'd carried this notion that I wasn't worthy of anyone's time, affection, attention, or love for a significant chunk of my life.

The first person I ever opened up to completely was my ex, Duncan. We met in middle school, started dating in high school, and ended up in an on-and-off thing for almost ten years. He was (and still is) my best friend. But things happened, we broke up, and he ended up killing my trust in him by sleeping with someone shortly after we broke up. Mind you, we had broken up with the notion we might get back together in the future, once we learned to better ourselves to better our relationship. We had also been together for a seven-year stretch. He insisted we stay apart but kept me close as an emotional crutch. Maybe I'm crazy for getting so upset, but I was. I was devastated. This was the guy I fell in love with in high school and stayed with through my mid-20s. We went through so much together and all of that felt absolutely negated the second I got the text saying "yes, I'm fucking her, is that what you want to hear?" I don't remember ever saying this, but he told me that I said, "As long as she's in your life, I won't be."

Then there was Josh. I met him online and I developed feelings that I hadn't felt for a long time. It was one of those friendships that was easy and fun. I was into him. And, surprising to me, he was into me. We'd flirted with the idea of meeting in person. I naively thought that this might be a real thing. But later on, after receiving some upsetting news, he began to spiral downwards into alcohol and apathy. I tried to be there for him, but was always met with hostility. Finally, after months of a painful balancing act of offering support and giving him space, I asked if he wanted me to leave him alone. The response I got was, "Bye." I haven't spoken to him since. I don't know where or how he is, but he often crosses my mind and I worry. I cared so much for him and I worry that he's no longer here, and that I may have been able to prevent that if I had just handled things differently.

The last person I tried to be as real as possible with was Brooke. Again, another person I met online. I'm not afraid to say that I honestly fell in love with her. She was my best friend and we shared everything with each other. I felt comfortable enough with her to detail some of the worst parts of myself. My struggles with bipolar disorder and depression, my suicidal thoughts, my horrific bouts of self-harm. She listened with sympathy, and I had that same recurring thought that I now despise. "This might be a real thing." When I confessed my feelings for her, I was met with silence. Months later (I'm not even kidding. It was fucking months later), she acknowledged these feelings, and made sure to drill into me that she valued our friendship. But she did so in a way that made me hopeful that it might become something more. Like she was perpetually on that cusp of something more.

But later on, she made sure to tell me all about her new best friend. And how they just clicked and everything was perfect and she was so much fun and they had so much fun together. I'm not ashamed to admit that this ignited some jealous feelings in me. What did this new girl have that I didn't? Why was she dropping me in favor of someone else? Several times, she often called me by this new girl's name. And when I would get upset, she made me feel guilty. Like I was overreacting. And for a long time, I believed I was.

It wasn't until I showed some of our conversations to my two best friends, just to get their advice on what the fuck I was supposed to say to her, that they simply said, "Yeah, she's literally emotionally abusing you." I was completely blind to it. Here I was, totally in love with this girl, willing to put up with everything she said and did to me, simply because there was always this glimmer of hope that we might get together and we might be happy.

It took those two friends (Quinn and Charlie, I credit y'all for getting me out of this toxic relationship) to make me realize all the little things she did to keep me on her hook. Acknowledging my feelings but refusing to give a definitive answer about her own. Making me feel guilty about getting upset about her treatment of me. Getting mad at me for having sex with men (even though she never mentioned this when I told her about said men) and saying she was in agony hearing me talk about them. Ignoring me for days or even weeks when I called her out on the things she did that hurt me, then coming back to our conversations like nothing ever happened. Buying me gifts to "make amends" and repair the damages she caused.

Finally, I cut ties. I couldn't deal with her anymore. A year and a half later, having no contact with her, I found out that she began spreading rumors that I would threaten to hurt and/or kill myself if I felt I wasn't getting enough attention from her. Anyone who knows me knows I would never do that. And here she was, using such an intimate and secret piece of myself to paint me as this kind of person. I had let her in to some of the most painful and vulnerable parts of myself and she used it against me. I refuse to ever forgive her for that.

Remember that thing I told Duncan? About me not being in his life as long as that other girl was? Well. Three years after we had been broken up, that other girl was no longer in his life. He called me up out of the blue, and said he was sorry for everything he had done. I was still his best friend, I always had been and I always would be. So he was back in my life. And we were friends. Until we had crossed that threshold into more than friends. Whenever we would visit each other, we would end up sleeping together. It was safe, comfortable, familiar. But there was always that gnawing in the back of my brain that told me what we were doing was wrong. We weren't together, but we were acting like we were. I'd never felt so conflicted in my life, and haven't since.

Finally, I had to have the difficult discussion about our boundaries. I'll never deny that he is probably the person that knows me better than anyone. He is my best friend. But the romantic feelings? They were gone. When I told him, he said he felt relieved. And I was relieved to be able to keep him in my life while simultaneously moving on.

And so now I'm dating. After a few mediocre dates, I found a guy that I'm afraid to admit I actually really like. But those self-defense mechanisms I established in my early teen years stayed strong. Why would anyone actually be interested in me? I better put myself down before he notices these flaws himself.

And worse, those scars from my past relationships seemed to bleed all over again. Who else is he talking to? (Thanks, Duncan.) Is everything going to change overnight? (Thanks, Josh.) What deep, intimate personal detail is he going to take advantage of? (Thanks, Brooke.)

I don't want to be that person. Jealous and anxious and guarded. What's worse, I don't want to get hurt again, which means I feel I can't actually open myself up to the good things that could come from this relationship. He's so thoughtful and sweet and considerate, and yet here I am, wondering what's really going on in his head. Like I can't take anything at face value. There has to be more.

I'd like to break out of this cycle. Where my lack of self worth feeds into these distrustful and suspicious feelings that cause me to put up walls to the point that people feel the need to give up on me because I won't let them get close which directly reinforces my low self worth. I'm terrified to let him in because I'd been so badly burned in the past.

I'm not sure how to end this (extremely long) post other than to say that I'm cautiously optimistic that maybe I can let him in. That I can let him get past the barriers I built around my heart because of those that hurt me in the past. I feel like it's going to take a lot of work on my part, but I'm afraid to admit that it might actually be worth all the effort. As if I didn't learn anything from the past, or maybe I want to believe that this time will be different, but I think this could be a real thing.

[lep-the-local-fool]

DBD College AU

Professors

Philip (Wraith): English

Lovable, quiet, and sweet. A lecture with him makes it very clear that he's sensitive and thoughtful, winning over his students quickly and accidentally, although he rarely speaks outside of lectures.

Emails from him are always cheery and heartwarming. As universally agreed among staff and his students, must be protected at all costs.

While Lisa, the Student Welfare Officer, often times steals him away for gabbing - he’s a wonderful listener, she will insist, though purely because he’s so quiet - Philip most enjoys the company of Max, whose mild ways mirror his own, and whose complementarity of interests make for lots of learning opportunities. For example, Max comes to Philip’s house to fix his appliances, and Philip sends Max poems about nature and calm things - only a few are his original works, but they amaze Max every time. Unknown to Philip, Max collects every poem he has ever received in photo album that sits on his desk - including one Philip jotted down on a napkin during a long flight.  

Max (Hillbilly): Mechanical Engineering

A kind, simple man who knows everything there is to know about his subject, but not much else.

Max is quite insecure about his appearance and intelligence, as he used to be bullied incessantly as a child and never truly recovered, as his parents didn’t believe in the existence of mental health issues and told him only to ‘man up’. He enjoys Philip’s company immensely, because he knows such superficial things mean nothing to him. 

Is terrified by his assistant, Amanda. It's a wonder he took her on as an assistant, but he says it's because she showed passion.

A very understanding and patient teacher. New students are typically intimidated by his appearance, but learn very quickly that he's devoted to helping them succeed in any way he can, staying behind after lectures sometimes for hours to answer questions, and answering students’ emails at every given opportunity. 

Herman (Doctor): Medicine

The simultaneously terrifying and hilarious lead professor of medicine.

His lectures are enthusiastic, active, and interactive, frequently calling students to answer questions and take guesses. He advocates giving your best shot, even if it's wrong, for the sake of innovation and creative thinking. Even when he tells students that they’re incorrect, he never makes them feel stupid or unappreciated, always coming back around to why they had a good idea. Students either love him or hate him, there's no in between - it just depends on their ability and motivation to keep up with him.

Admin

Lisa (Hag): Student Welfare Officer

The chatty, gossipy student welfare officer. Her job is office-based, but she can typically be found frequenting the college's famous café, having coffee and chatting with anyone she knows – and anyone she doesn't.

She has a strong, vibrant presence that scares off more timid characters, but if you can stand being interrupted when she's excited or her enthusiastic attitude toward everything, you'll get along with her fantastically. She loves to help the students, and has had a particularly close relationship with Nea, who sees her for moral support and a good chat, as she has mild depression and doesn't want to see a therapist. Nea has come to see her like an aunt, and Lisa is very protective of her.

Evan (Trapper): Chancellor

Evan is typically a playful, relaxed guy, but he can be incredibly stern and distant when he needs to be, making him a petrifying sight to deviant students. Despite this, he's a level-headed and understanding boss, and cherishes the way his staff embrace their roles and get involved with the goings-on of the college.

Bill: Disciplinary Officer

A grumpy old man whose playful side only shows itself in spurts. He's an advocate of swift and harsh justice, and often has to be toned down by Evan, the Chancellor.

Ace: Social Secretary

A fun-loving man who absolutely adores his job, putting on all sorts of events for the students both in the college and in other venues, including club nights, dances, social gatherings, and – upon receiving an anonymous email recommending it – stay-in nights for the quieter students.

Like Lisa, the Student Welfare Officer, he can hardly be contained in his cubicle, constantly roaming the college and talking to students, gauging their attitudes and personalities so he can arrange the ideal social environment of the college accordingly. While some students are put off by his ultra-charismatic ways and his confident-bordering-on-cocky attitude, he's generally well-loved and massively appreciated.

Staff

Sally (Nurse): Nurse

A lovely sight, whether you're about to pass out or otherwise. Sally is incredibly sweet and gentle, and very practiced in medicine. It's not uncommon for students to go to the infirmary for the tiniest things just to be seen by Sally.

She brings tea and biscuits out to Ana, the security guard, when there are no patients. Ana appreciates her immensely, but is incapable of expressing gratitude past a simple, 'thank you'. But considering Ana rarely speaks as it is, Sally is delighted to get even this from her.

Herman was Sally's old professor, and they catch up all the time. Their personalities are incredibly polar, but they get along incredibly well – though Sally occasionally slaps Herman's wrist when his proposed practices ignore a little thing called 'ethics'.

Ana (Huntress): Security

An incredibly stoic, chiseled figure that can typically be found at the front gates of the college, unless a student has worked up the courage to ask her to unlock a door. Otherwise she may also be dragging a student out of a lecture theatre or kicking trespassers off the property. Once in a while, when a noise complaint isn't sorted out for days on end, she'll go pay the dorms a visit, terrifying the many students who have never seen her off her post.

Is quietly infatuated by Sally, the nurse, who keeps her company and gives her refreshments almost daily. Ana is unaware that Sally is very single and would happily go out with her, figuring that as a slightly barbaric security officer, she'd have no chance with the incredibly sweet and intelligent nurse. Regardless, Ana is still a proud keeper of her role, and wouldn't think to let their status difference affect her confidence.

Has a wordless, friendly relationship with Jake, who often sits by the gates of the college, eating or staring off into space. They occasionally make eye contact, nod, and continue their day.

Michael: Security

According to the students, Michael is in constant competition with Ana for most terrifying person to see on campus. The two of them rarely speak to each other, sometimes not even exchanging a glance when they swap shifts.

While his stern, unmoving face might insist he's not a push-over, he uses his status to grant his sister, Laurie, just about any of her ridiculous whims – short of actually breaking any rules.

An insider’s perspective sheds light on Michael’s constant efforts to be a good brother, though they are constantly trampled by his immutably cold demeanor and distorted mental state; Michael wouldn’t think to try and understand other people, and seems completely apathetic to the struggles others. Laurie has been the only exception to this, and only because Michael puts very active, conscious effort into protecting her. The idea of being able to achieve sympathy for any given person is an exhausting and pointless concept to him. 

Tapp: Head of Security

While he's Head of Security and should thus be considered the most intimidating person to see walking down the halls, students find it honestly a bit hilarious that he's the one in charge of the beasts that are Ana and Michael; either one of them could probably take his arm off before breakfast.

He's an understanding guy in general, but takes the upkeep of rigid college policy very seriously. Despite this, he is, without a doubt,  the most likely member of the security force to negotiate; most students would rather be dragged off by Tapp twenty times over than get a sideways glance from Michael. Tapp isn’t unaware of this, either, and despite his outranking of Ana and Michael, struggles not to feel inferior, often overcompensating with volatile aggression. Ana and Michael are completely unaware of his predicament, both considering him very much their superior.

Amanda (Pig): Mechanical Engineering Assistant

An impatient, hot-headed woman, incredibly intelligent and inventive, but terrible for helping students. No one knows really why she decided to become his assistant, considering how much of her duties involve helping him in teaching.

She terrifies her mentor, Max, although as a previous student of his, she respects him deeply and takes his word as gospel.

Students

Apartment groups:

Nea + Jake

Feng + Laurie + Claudette

Meg + Dwight

David + Quentin

Meg: English

A strong, fiery personality, constantly restless, and more than a little hot-headed. She's incredibly social and loves to be around people. She can make a group of strangers feel like age-old friends, and makes any social gathering about twenty times more interesting.

Is best friends with her flatmate, Dwight, and Nea, whom she met on her course.

Heard the English degree would be easy, and is really only attending the college because of her track scholarship. She's not a fan of English, but Nea helps her out all the time, and Meg is constantly amazed by Nea's prowess.

She appears incredibly confident, never afraid to ask questions, make phone calls, or talk to strangers when the need arises. She doesn't particularly care what people think of her. She sometimes slips into uncertainty, particularly when it comes to coursework or struggles with track, but Nea and Dwight are always there to bring her back to herself.

Sometimes emails Phillip, her English lecturer, with random questions just to read his friendly, endearing response. She'd never admit it, though.

Dwight: Mechanical Engineering

One of Meg's flatmates, was more or less picked up by her when he was too nervous to start making friends. He's slowly getting used to her unbridled energy when she gets excited – he used to be more than slightly terrified of her, so he’s made a lot of progress. He enjoys her enthusiasm and admires her proactive attitude.

Is also good friends with Nea, although the two of them don't end up talking very often; typically Meg is the one to ban the three of them together. Dwight wishes he had more to say to Nea, but nothing really comes to mind, other than their mutual friendship with Meg.

He's very intelligent, and an incredibly efficient worker, coping with stress better than perhaps anyone, despite his anxiety-ridden exterior. What confidence he lacks in his social skills, he makes up for in confidence in his work.

He finds Jake, who is on his course, incredibly fascinating and attractive, but he's also very intimidated by him, hardly able to get a word out when he's looking his way. Meg can always tell when Jake has so much as glanced at him, as he comes back to the flat still pink in the face, and he immediately begins gushing about it at the slightest prodding.

Jake: Mechanical Engineering

Doesn't talk about himself – or just much at all – but a little pressing from Laurie has revealed that he doesn't have a good relationship with his family. He didn't continue past that, but an insider's perspective shows that his parents haven't been great in the way of emotional support, and would much rather him be studying medicine or law. However, pursuing the degree he really wanted has been his first step out of his parents' grip, and as such, he cherishes every lecture.

He's a very solitary creature, doing everything on his own: his work, leisure, etc. Dwight sees him alone frequently and wants to walk over and talk to him, but doesn't know if he'd be bothering him. Jake, however, would be flattered by the company; he enjoys being alone to a large degree, but he's also slightly convinced that even if he did want to make friends, people wouldn't really want him around. He seems confident in himself, and in many ways he is, but he kicks himself for not being able to open up more.

He thinks Dwight is incredibly cute, not unaware of the way he flushes red when Jake gives him a smile, but is convinced not to talk to him because he also believes Dwight is terrified of him (and he's not wrong).

Nea: English

She says she takes English because she heard it would be easy, but she's secretly very passionate about it. She used to have a lot of problems making friends and keeping up a good relationship with her parents, who always saw her as strange and distant. As a result, she took up reading as a way of feeling at home.

Best friends with Meg, and very good friends with Dwight. Is roommates with Jake, but they rarely speak, both of them generally keeping to themselves. Nea is, however, acutely aware that Jake pays far more than she for the flat, and although curious, has never asked him where the money comes from.

She has a punk aesthetic, and seems to live up to it: she disappears frequently, and can typically be found skateboarding either at the skatepark or around town. But when she really seems to vanish, she's hanging out behind the Physics building, reading. She's afraid Meg has seen her here once – she looked up and to see her crossing the street just a little down the way. But Meg has never mentioned it, so maybe she she didn't recognize her.

Although they and Meg hang out all the time, Nea knows Dwight is still a bit apprehensive around her. She knows they don't have much to talk about, but Nea thinks he's a cute little twink, wishes he didn't feel so nervous all the time.

Spends a lunch every once in a while talking to Lisa, the Student Welfare Officer, as she struggles with some mild depression and needs space to vent. Lisa has gently recommended she see a therapist, but she refuses, saying that having Lisa just to listen is more than enough – though it's clear that she mostly just doesn't want her friends to find out when she's struggling, as well as denying there might actually be a problem. Her friends aren't in the dark, however. Dwight would ask but knows she wouldn't say, and even Meg, despite her rash, superficial tendencies, has seen the sullen look in Nea's eyes when things get bad.

Claudette: Medicine

A brilliant student and an even better friend, beloved by her professors and friends alike (Herman isn't apologetic about his favorites). Roommates with Laurie and Feng, next-door to Jake and Nea.

Although Jake and Nea are both quiet people, Claudette always says hello to both of them, and makes conversation whenever possible. Neither of them mind, both finding her a very pleasant person to have around, although both struggling to reciprocate her openness.

On some occasions, Claudette will seem to sense something is off with Nea, and the genuine concern in her eyes when she asks how she's doing has nearly convinced Nea to stop and talk to her properly. However, as acquaintances and nothing more, Nea tells herself not to get Claudette involved.

Often times overworks herself, foregoing her social life and sleep to study, and has to be brought down to earth once in a while by Feng and Laurie. Feng is good for talking about managing high expectations and health, and Laurie loves dragging her out when she obviously needs to take a step back from her work.

Spends all of her free time in Sally's office as her assistant. Sally enjoys having her around as a trainee, a helping hand, and as company.

Feng: Computer Science

Simultaneously cute, sassy, and hot-headed, Feng brings people in with a fiery, protective personality, keeps them interested with her intelligence and wit, but simultaneously pushes them away with her icy barriers. She finds it neigh-on impossible to really open up to people, Claudette being to only one to get her to talk about some of her deeper feelings, usually late at night after Claudette has been venting about stress, or Feng has just gotten off the phone with her imposing parents.

Although a lot of people would find her hobbies incredibly lame or nerdy, Feng is incredibly passionate about the things she chooses to care about, and doesn't stand for injustice of any kind, particularly in the case of her friends. She often has to remind Claudette that she doesn't need to live her life pleasing people.

As one of, if not the only, girl on her course, she gets a lot of unwanted attention from the guys in her lectures and around her building. Luckily, Feng is more than capable of taking care of herself, though she at one point nearly broke a man's arm when he wouldn't back off. However, Laurie has to remind her sometimes that there are security guards to take care of these things, because she doesn't want Feng to get into trouble over something that wasn't  her fault; as much as they both hate it, Feng and Laurie agree it's easier to prove that a guy's arm is dislocated than it is to prove that she's been harassed. Laurie has told Feng that she should get Michael if anything is wrong, as he's frequently stationed right outside the Computer Science building, and Laurie has told him to keep a good eye on her.

Feng's parents have had incredibly high expectations of her for a long time, and this used to weigh on her heavily. Ever since she moved away from home, however, Feng seems undeterred by their pressure, simply choosing to hang up whenever they get toxic over the phone. When it comes to academic success, she seems more preoccupied by competing with herself than to compete with her peers, leading her to become both a high-achieving student and a reasonably well-balanced person – although she wishes she didn't have to turn against her parents, the people whom she knows love her most.

Laurie: Children's Nursing

Fiery and strong-spirited, but kind-hearted on nearly all occasions, Laurie is the ideal college friend. She's there until the bitter end, always available for moral support and motivational speeches.

She's great friends with just about everyone. She's one of the few people to occasionally jump into conversation with Jake or Nea, just because they looked like they could use the company. Jake is charmed by her initiative and passion, but is worn down quickly by her enthusiasm. Nea considers her a toned-down version of Meg.

As the sister of one of the scariest figures in the college, Laurie seems to have free reign of the place, always just a phone call away from getting someone dragged out of class or getting the keys into any building she fancies.

Although Laurie feels a bit like the queen of it all – she's got all the friends, the scary brother, her course is easy and interesting – she oftentimes feels like she's missing something. Dwight and Meg have each other; Quentin and David have each other; Claudette and Feng have each other – Laurie... well, she sort of has everyone, but she feels like she's missing that unique, intimate friendship that everyone else seems to find. She doesn't feel like there's anyone that she can tell everything to. If she only had one phone call before she was carted off to jail, she could call anyone, but there wouldn't be one incredibly obvious answer that completely outshines all of her other great friends. She thinks maybe she's spoiled or ridiculous for thinking these things, but she can't help the pang of jealousy when she hears Claudette and Feng having their heart-to-hearts for hours on end, knowing there's no one she feels she could open up to so purely.

Quentin: English

In every respect, a gentle spirit. He's quiet and compassionate, happiest when waist-deep in a good book.

He can be quite easily intimidated by others; his flatmate, David, used to really freak him out, but he's gotten to know him well over the months, and now considers him a close friend. David has actually helped him out a lot when Quentin has sunken in on himself, reminding him to live in the moment and find the joy and energy in everything around him. If he was being completely honest, he finds David incredibly kind and very attractive, and would very happily go out with him, but he's miserably aware that David is probably the most straight-seeming guy on the market.

Quentin finds himself sitting beside Meg and Nea during many lectures, and ends up exchanging ideas with Nea frequently. They have brilliant discussions, and he's asked her if she'd like to meet up sometime to talk further, but she always shrugs him off, suddenly very nonchalant about the literature, as if she hadn’t had that impassioned spark in her eyes just a moment prior. Quentin has a feeling that she's embarrassed to admit her interest in her own subject, but he's not sure why.

Since childhood, Quentin feels like he's come a long way in being able to interact with other people and make legitimate friendships. As such, he treasures every relationship he has, though he feels a long ways off from being as comfortable with who he is as he'd like. He's made progress, surely, but he still struggles with his self-esteem and confidence on a daily basis. Thankfully, David steps in to help him out all the time when Quentin is making ridiculous judgements on the basis of his insecurity. While David doesn't seem like the most perceptive or sensitive guy, Quentin knows that without his help and encouragement, he wouldn't be able to keep himself presentable for over a month. He just prays that he won't be quite so much of a mess by the time David inevitably leaves the college.

David: Criminology

David can be a bit perplexing at times; to strangers, he can be harsh and crude – he has said it was the only way to survive his hometown – but to those he actually knows, he's an incredibly kind, dependable person. When he makes a promise, it's never broken, and when his friend is in trouble, he will drop everything to help. Simultaneously, he's also rash and impulse-driven, following his heart above all else. Perhaps it's his rough edges and wild eyes and their vibrant contrast with his kind, earnest words that make him appear perhaps the most genuine person to walk the streets.

Similar to Meg, David really only came to college to play rugby, but found his course interesting and is enjoying his time here immensely. This is actually his second time being enrolled for the sake of just playing sports – the first time he was badly injured and ended up dropping out. This makes him two years older than Quentin and the other students.

David's course gives him some hell, and once in a while his confidence will take a real hit, but a quick pick-me-up from Quentin and he's back on his feet.

The first week of the academic year, Quentin got lost in the middle of town at night, his phone nearly dead. He called David, the only person in the city whose number he had, even though Quentin was terrified of him. Quentin sent him his location, and within twenty minutes of sitting in the cold, David came sprinting around the corner to find him, and walked him home. Ever since, David has felt strangely protective of Quentin, a feeling which baffles him immensely, but not one that he's ever denied.

[icecoldparadise]

Thankful for a Change

Moxiety, Logince

I know not everywhere celebrates Thanksgiving, but here in Murica we do. So have fluff.

No trigger warnings.

             After the adventure of Halloween, the four men retreated to their own rooms for a much needed recharge period. They still ate meals together and worked on videos with Thomas, but no one was offended when the others kept to themselves for about a week. During that time, Virgil managed to convince himself the events from Halloween (especially between him and Patton) were just the influence of the holiday’s magic and withdrew even more from the others; Logan relished the quiet monotony of scheduling events and reorganizing information; Roman redecorated his room to reflect the new friendship dynamic he and the other sides had established (he refuses to tell anyone how he got pictures of them all in costume); and Patton looked back on the recent memories fondly while excitedly anticipating the next big event. Logan and Patton united first from the break with a common goal in mind: they needed to start planning their Thanksgiving celebration, which required both memories of past successes (and failures) and new ideas for this year. Roman felt them trying to brainstorm new ideas and felt inspiration flare up inside him. The three began planning, not realizing they were unintentionally leaving out the gloomier side. He had never taken part before, and while they would love him to they didn’t expect him to take any interest.

           It came as a surprise to them when he began giving small pointers here and there. Roman managed to find a way to decorate for the underappreciated holiday, and he was in the process of decorating the common room Virgil slinked in on his way to get coffee from the kitchen. He paused, a critical gaze on the prince’s handiwork. It was alright, but there were too many turkeys and the single orange streamer he had put up was haphazardly pinned up. “You should use some yellow and brown streamers, straighten the orange one, and put some of those turkeys in the kitchen.” The anxious side critiqued, his quick low voice startling Roman. The creative side turned to gape at him for a second before stepping back to look at his current progress. “Hmmm,” he began, and Virgil thought he was going to get mad for a moment when he continued, “You know what, System of a Downer, I think you might be right.” Virgil was surprised his opinion was validated and quickly muttered something about “Needing coffee” before disappearing in the kitchen. Logan and Patton were both debating the recipes they had settled on at the kitchen table. Virgil quietly listened as he got his much-needed caffeine fix. “But Logan! It’s a holiday! We should do everything and have lots of food to choose from!” The logical side quirked an eyebrow, unconvinced. “Patton, that’s absurd. Some of these recipes clearly have ingredients none of us like. We shouldn’t use them if no one will like them.” They went back and forth like this, running in circles. Virgil peered over their shoulders and read some of the recipes.

           Logan was right. A few recipes had ingredients such as prunes, spinach, cranberries or cooked broccoli. He scrunched up his nose reading those, but had to admit the rest of the recipe sounded delicious. “Why not just omit those ingredients and either substitute them with something else, or just scrap em entirely and make a modified version of the recipe?” He piped in before he could stop himself. The two stopped midsentence and gaped at him much like Roman did. ‘Ah, shit I ruined everything they probably think I’m annoying I shouldn’t have said—’ Patton beamed up at him. “That’s an excellent idea Virge!” Logan gave a small, stiff smile as well. “Excellent compromise, Virgil. I am quite certain we can work out alternative ingredients while still maintaining the integrity of these dishes.” The anxious side flushed before ducking out to his room, clinging to his coffee mug. His brain raced at the thoughts of them all liking what he suggested, but he couldn’t keep away the thoughts that they may just be trying to be nice while secretly hating what he said. He stayed in his room the next few days.

           At last Thanksgiving arrived and the entire mindscape felt warm and cheery, the scents of maple pancakes and bacon filling each room in a tasty breakfast call. Everyone stumbled into the kitchen to see Patton in a ridiculous turkey-themed apron with “Kiss the cook” stitched on the front. He turned briefly and flashed his characteristic smile beam at the others. “Morning kiddos! Happy Thanksgiving!” They greeted him, lightly teasing him for his apron (“Seriously Patton, it even has tail feathers!” A laugh, “It’s so I can shake a tail feather!” Groans.) Logan began spouting off facts related to the holiday, some of which mortified the fatherly cook, before Roman took mercy on the heart and turned the conversation away from the history of Thanksgiving. “I declare, I think this year I am the most grateful for our epic (if not slightly disasterous) Halloween adventure! It was the best one yet!” The creative side boldly stated, causing some laughter at the memories. “Remember how cute Logan looked as a cat?!” Patton cried out, causing the normally reserved side to blush and scowl slightly. “Oh! Or how those werewolves nearly got us but Virgil saved us?” The laughter turned to a solemn agreement. Logan peered at the flustered boy who was currently stabbing his pancakes with a vengeance. “Yes. I am quite grateful we got out of that alive and in one piece. I am also thankful for Thomas’s renewed interest in academia.” Roman snorted, choking on some orange juice he had just taken a swig of. “Of COURSE you would be, AstronoNerd.” Laughter resumed, and they piled into the living room to watch the Peanuts Thanksgiving episode. When that finished up Logan pulled out a book to read out loud while Patton started on dinner, and Virgil couldn’t help but follow him inside the kitchen.

The anxious one watched as Patton started gathering ingredients, noticing a haphazard measuring system that was mildly terrifying. “P-pat? That’s not how you measure stuff.” The fatherly side peered up, his eyes warming up the way they did on Halloween. “Whatdya mean, kiddo?” Virgil fought down a slight blush and ignored the slight chill that went down his spine. “You’re not… Um, being very precise and that can affect the flavor.” Patton tilted his head, thinking about it, then smiled and offered a apron to the other. “I suppose you’re right! Why don’t you help me out, Virge?” The dark brooding man nodded and quickly got to work. Everything was measured precisely, times were kept exactly in the middle of the suggested times, and food was plated to the detail. The entire time they cracked jokes, commented about how the food looked and smelled, joked about the cream of broccoli and possible effects it could have on Princy… And Virgil felt at peace. He ignored the unnecessary, almost affectionate contact Patton would give randomly throughout the process. He hid his disappointment when the cooking was done and Patton called the others in, not wanting the time between them to be done yet. Roman and Logan came in, looking suspiciously disheveled. Patton appeared blissfully ignorant but Virgil caught the subtle shift in his eyes- an amused warmth that wasn’t quite like how he looked at the anxious side. Virgil smirked, not able to resist a snide remark. “So Princy, I see you were extra Charming while Pat and I slaved away in the kitchen.” The sheer brightness of the red on Roman’s cheeks was worth the disapproving glare from Logan and the gentle chastising he received from Patton; still, he saw the two quietly hold hands under the table later and couldn’t help but feel simultaneously happy for them and a bit jealous of them. He shoved those thoughts down as they all grabbed a plate and loaded it with food. Conversation was light and full of abnormal amount of praise for the food. “I must say, Patton, this food is absolutely out of this world! You’ve outdone yourself this year.” Roman complimented, digging into some stuffing with turkey shredded into it. Patton glanced at Virgil before grinning widely. “Actually, I can’t claim all the credit here. If it weren’t for good ol’ Virge here, I would have added too much of everything all together.” The others looked at the hiding side with a pleasantly surprised expression on their faces. “You can cook, Green Day?!” Virgil buried into his hoodie more but nodded. “I-I learned so that Th-thomas wouldn’t burn the house down or give someone food poisoning.” He muttered, red as a beet. Logan rescued the clearly distressed side. “Well, I for one am grateful you’ve ensured our food is safe for consumption. If you aren’t opposed, I think it would be beneficial for you two to cook together from here on.” Patton and Roman enthusiastically agreed before moving on to spare the poor man from the attention overload. Midbite Patton exclaimed, “You know what I’m grateful for?! I’m thankful for how close we all have gotten and how far we’ve all come!” They all toasted to that, clinking glasses of juice together.

Once dinner was done Logan and Roman volunteered to clean up the dishes since the other two cooked, allowing them to plunk down on the couch in a food coma. Patton had sat close to the anxious side, which Virgil blatantly tried to ignore as his cheeks dusted red. “You haven’t told us what you’re thankful for, Virge.” Patton said softly, forcing the darker side to look at him. He ducked his head a bit. “I’m thankful for you, Pat. You’ve helped pull me out of the darkness, more than the others could.” Patton put an arm around him gently and pulled him into a hug. “Awww shucks kiddo. That’s the nicest thing someone’s ever said to me.” Virgil relaxed into the hug, heart racing a little at the contact. He noticed the moral side was still wearing his “Kiss the Cook” apron. Gathering up his courage, Virgil peered up at Patton. “Pat? Has anyone ever actually kissed you while you were wearing this?” Patton glanced down and chuckled, a surprisingly deep rumble emitting from his chest. “No, I don’t think so. The others aren’t very touchy-feely with me besides occasional hugs.” There was a brief silence as Virgil contemplated his next action carefully. Fuck it. He quickly kissed Patton, surprising the moral side. He was about to pull away when the heart gently stopped him and gave him a soft kiss back. Virgil’s heart fluttered, and they both cuddled together on the couch for the rest of the night.

  @storytellerofuntoldlegends

@justanotherpurplebutterfly @ssides  @thelogicalloganipus @pirate-patton @thatsthat24 @tinysidestrashcaptain @sidewritings @i-love-word-association-games @fandomsandanythingelse

[anabstrusereality]

Resetting The Board

Chess is a strange game. Unlike other games you don’t win by having the most points at the end of a predetermined time, winning a race to a predetermined end, or removing all the other players pieces. You don’t even capture the most important piece from your opponent. The game ends by simply trapping that piece, allowing it no more possible moves.

Checkmate.

At that moment, the pieces are locked in place, forever, until someone resets the board.

The other night walking through Yerevan as Halloween revellers applied their makeup and donned their scariest masks, my partner and I noticed a young couple taking the time to rearrange the pieces of one of the many life-sized chess sets in downtown Yerevan. Many Armenians love chess and it seems to permeate the people here in their quiet, keep to yourself, demeanor. We each said hello in two languages, smiled, laughed and used hand signals as we helped them put each piece into its proper place, dislodging them from their previously irreversible positions. Together we arranged them each facing forward, on their appropriate square, all ready for a new match to begin. We didn’t know if the couple had intended to play then or to get the board ready for whoever happened upon it in the morning, but as it sat there ready for an entirely new scenario to play out, I thought about the resetting I had done.

We all have chess games in our life. Not one, but many, all being played simultaneously, in each facet of our life. Each relationship we encounter, each value we hold, each teaching we have received, each disaster we are faced with, each moment our heart jumps into our throat, is its own separate game. Each miniscule decision we make is a new move. Some games are over in moments, speaking to a stranger on the street or a taxi driver at the end of a ride, while others last for years. With each move we get to choose, how we react, how we engage, how we decide, how we change, how we fight for justice, or don’t. How we approach new people, new situations, new ideas. How we think about something which has defined us. How we are defined. We are always playing, making moves, deciding what is best, what makes us happy, what helps us to love and be loved.

We don't win or lose, we are playing against ourselves. There is no set amount of games or score, no specific amount of victories to be achieved. We decide when we are victorious, or not, and when we begin each game anew.

Juggling hundreds of thousands of chess games seems like it would crush our brains into oblivion in an instant, but all of us do it, every single day. We are not just juggling the big games, like our source of income, our partnerships, or our families, which most of us spend exorbitant amounts of brain power on. Each different topic we decide to think or learn about, each person we know, each of our beliefs or values, all have a game of their own. If we knew we only got one chance at each game the pressure would surely be too much for us. But, while we are always aware of the chaos, we somehow find ways to mitigate it and, if we are lucky enough, we have the opportunity to reset each of these games whenever we desire.  

Lucky is the crucial word. A nice neat chess analogy for life assumes that life is anything like chess. It is not. Chess is ordered, life is not. Sometimes when we are thinking about one game, life kicks over the table of another, or lights it on fire, or drops a boulder right in the middle of it on a Tuesday night. Sometimes we don’t have the extreme privilege of thinking about our games. Sometimes there is only one we can focus on, survival or hunger or other traumas, which does not allow us to give attention to any others. Only one, and the moves matter a hell of a lot more. Sometimes, someone or something steals all the pieces from one of our games, and we lose it forever.

In these moments, I hope it makes me stop.

Breathe.

And see the rest of my games in a new light.

Sometimes we restart out games from exhaustion, being beat down, defeated, changing ourselves or seeing someone changing around us. Maybe from wanting to play the same moves in a different way. Maybe from admiring the way someone else is playing some of theirs.

Resetting is not starting over from scratch. Far from it. Each game we play, each move we make, has an impact on the rest. They allow us to obtain better strategies. Learn new ways. Have people to help us try a different move or, if need be, help us to reset a certain game again.

Sometimes we get stuck and we leave the games as they are. Scared to make the wrong move, scared that if we start again, we may ruin everything. It doesn’t matter if we won or lost the game, or if there is another way we could play that would help us feel more like a full human, the fact that the pieces are locked in checkmate works for us. It is finalized, we know how to react or think or feel, and it feels easier to leave it how it is than think about starting a new game. Sometimes we leave them for so long the board gets coated in dust until we can barely see it, or we forget about it altogether. Some of them we think we have won and long forgotten about, are the most in need of a reset.  

But holy fuck is it difficult. Just when you think you have your eyes on all your games life smokes you in the face, or shows you a game we really want to leave finished must be reset for our own good. When that dawns on us, it is absolutely terrifying.  It gets harder and scarier as we get older or the more others are relying on us. We know what we know, who we are, how we feel we should react, and we think trying to change any of those is not an option.

Perhaps these games are the easiest to reset though. For many of them we have the pieces and moves memorized from restarting many times over. We know exactly what we will say or do when a certain situation arises, we have done it for as long as we remember. If we start these ones again, we can either get back to the same place much more quickly and have lost nothing, or decide to make a few different moves along the way and see if it feels better than the game before. Even when we feel we are stuck in checkmate, we can always reset. Especially for the ones that we know something doesn’t feel quite right, if we are lucky enough to start them again, we almost always feel better when we do.  It may take the 2nd, 3rd, or 45th, time for us to make the moves we truly want, and sometimes for the very difficult games, the ones that are sitting in the corner, we need help. This is something I have been immensely lucky to receive from those that have guided me in my life, from my partner, and from a professional. Someone who knows how to find the games we forgot we ever started playing.

Resetting our boards is quite a forgiving way to think about life. To try a new way, do the opposite of what everyone expects, to discover that no one has it figured out, to allow ourselves to have the freedom to be different from the way we once were. Resetting how we approach each aspect allows us to shape and change and breath and grow. We can do it anytime, at 19 years old or 91. Hopefully when we do, we have others in mind and try to improve how we move through the world, increasing our empathy for how much each of our moves affects those around us. Our games are not ours alone.    

Walking through Republic Square and past the Russian theatre in Yerevan I couldn’t help but think that the city itself has reset a few times. Fireworks over the Cascade steps a few weeks ago marked its 2,801st birthday. It has been part of the Persian empire, fought over by the Greeks, Turks, and Russians, part of the Armenian Kingdom, declared the capital in the first Republic, served as a refuge for victims of the Armenian Genocide, became part of the Soviet Union until its collapse, formed a new identity after, and most recently was the centre of the country’s Velvet Revolution.

As I set in place a pawn that came up to my waist, I pondered the resetting I have done. I have reset things a few times and it is frightening, exhilarating, confusing, and destabilising. Not just moving locations, or areas of study, or ending relationships but challenging myself to restart games about my thinking, my masculinity, my being, my work, my country, my priorities, about myself. Hopefully I am getting better at it. As I get older, I find solace in the fact that the games I thought had ended a long time ago were never really finalized. I just have to decide to reset them.  

Checkmate is not the end.

As we strolled away from the newly set board I worried about my games. I thought how lucky I was to have baby laughs, funny dances, video messages, mistranslations, and sharing lava cake in a warm pub on a chilly autumn afternoon, to help me worry less. To help me see each new move I am making through new eyes. I thought about those games that have gathered dust and those that I have not looked at in a long time. I have been trying to brush that dust off in the last little while, and I certainly have a few that need to be reset.

My hope is that I never feel I have finished them all.

[nearndear]

A Valentine’s Note

Valentines for me is both a complicated and very much not so complicated day for me. If I were in a relationship, I would think Valentine’s Day is dumb, because I would be telling my significant other how much I love and care about them every day, I don’t need to be reminded to do that on a special day just cause the calendar told me so, cause we’re probably gonna be going on a date night anyway! So suck on that cultural norms! In all seriousness, I wanted to write something to speak to the power of love, and kind of to the overall theme of this month's Near & Dear and the heart (lol) of why I wanted to create something like this. To talk about the deep intangible things that change who we are though it can be indescribable.

As far as where love fits in my life, there’s room for it absolutely. But it is simultaneously terrifying. I’ve been fortunate enough to have been in love but to know that it wasn’t right at one point. But the feeling doesn’t and never really goes away. For the past couple of years, I’ve been investing most of my life on myself in all facets. Whether that’s working on my emotional and mental health, upping my meditation, and getting to a point in my life where I not only like myself but can appreciate and in some aspects, love who I am, despite my circumstances and despite the people that are and aren’t around me.

I’ve gotten to a place in my life where I’ve become so much more self-reliant and sufficient that to give of myself to someone and vice versa fills me with worry. Because if we are just giving and taking from each other, how do we know how big or small of pieces that we’re giving and receiving? Then somehow your lines are blurred and suddenly things don’t feel like they belong to you sometimes like they're now part of this duo that’s been formed, but that’s the goal, right? That’s what everyone wants to have - a shared life with somebody, shared experiences, shared things and shared activities. I think back at my interview with Fran about trying to train ourselves to not live co-dependently but interdependently and drawing those lines in clear bold that your identity is to not be comprised of just a relationship and that the other person in your life is simply adding to the beauty that is your life. The special someone is an added bonus who might give what you lack and maybe enriches your life that much more!

Off of that, I do believe love is real. I believe in the many forms love takes on. From familial love, platonic, romantic, and self-love. In my life, I’ve found it more important to be in love with yourself in the least narcissistic way. I still find myself every morning and evening when I have to face myself in the mirror and remind myself of all my good qualities, that I’m deserving and worthy, and that I do have flaws and all those are FINE. Because they’re all mine and nobody else’s. I think that’s most empowering of all when developing a love for yourself. Owning everything that you are and aren’t, all your good and bad.  

While being single, Valentine's Day has always meant something different every year. Whether I was happy for other people but sad for myself, happy that love exists, or just found a direct disdain for the holiday. This year, I’m recognizing the moments to revel that a thing like love exists. This intangible thing that lends itself to affection and adoration for another person or even yourself. To be single, for me, it’s revelling in my singledom, my independence, and appreciating myself, where I’ve been and who I am.

For me at the moment, what love means to me is this adoration, attention, and affection that you give and receive. Love is that thing that weaves in and out of our lives and allows us the opportunity to change ourselves, open our eyes. Because to give yourself to someone else, whether that be a parent, a sibling, a friend, a lover, and yourself to give a piece of your heart and say, “I love you, I value you, I will be here whenever and for whatever.” That’s powerful. And I’m going to go out and celebrate the beauty of that. The beauty that the idea of that exists and this beautiful thing that so many songs, movies, literature is predicated upon. I’ll walk to work and try to bask in the sunlight and take in as many deep breaths of gratitude that I exist, that I am who I am, that I am complete on my own, that love exists, and that love is all around. I’m not sure if that sounds naive or cheesy but being cheesy is just being vulnerable which is cool too. I hope you have a happy Valentines Day and tell people who you care about that you appreciate them while not forgetting to bask in yourself because you’re worth it.

Love, Joe