#why am i acting so nervous about smth i might not end up posting

[aluria-sevhex]

help a few days ago i drew a mom and i think i accidentally made her a milf

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Hey!! 👋🏽😄 I know you said in your last rant about SK8 and Reki and Renga that you were one of those people that always looks up and learns from others, but after your last Langa edit, I just wanted to remind you how immensely talented you are. I might have not seen your first attempts at editing, but I know how it looks like when you're barely starting something, and I'm sure everyone is proud of the progress you've made and many people looks up to you as the level of skill they want to achieve. You're doing amazing! 💖💖💖

Hi, my love!!!!!! ASDFSDFGHG that’s soooo sweet, thank you so much for saying this, it really means the world to me <3 Oh, haha I’ve deleted most of my old videos so it wouldn’t hurt anyone’s eyes lmao T_T I’m still a bit nervous each time I’m uploading my vids to the day to be honest, even with so many subs rn, but at first I really didn’t have any supporters at all and my god I sucked at this, but I guess the love for my fav ships was stronger apparently haha. So I always get silly happy at each nice comment and feedback, so thank you seriously. 

I really love love love vidding, Idk why but when smth comes out the way I wanted it’s a super addictive feeling for some reason, but many times I just looked at the final result and just threw it in the trash and started over and my god how many times SonyVegas crushed and didn’t autosave the project. I’m like Suga now, I’m pressing the save button each 2 minutes, cause don’t want to lose anything xD Being someone’s inspiration is truly an honor to me, I’ve got some messages that hit me too hard. Still feels weird bc I’m like “but do you know that I can’t even use photoshop tho, how do u like me now then?” lol.

I’m always drawn to talented characters, bc they amaze me, esp the humble ones. Like those who hate Haru or Lanaga just buffle me honestly. I understand that they’re pretty and talented and everything, but they’re also the sweetest and loveliest human beings, so like...??? And I adore those who don’t whine and get what they want. I just can’t help it. I’m a strong believer in the fact that "you can do anything if you put your mind to it”. So far it worked in real life so suck it lol.

People are also saying like Langa doesn’t deserve to win this and Haru doesn’t deserve to be in Olympics, like Langa didn’t snowboard since he was 2 and Haru wasn’t swimming every day since he was born. I’m like.. and you need to check in the mirror if your face is a shade of green. BTW I’ve also been in a professional sports for quite a long time since I was a little kid, ballroom dancing and adored it back then, and I did not get jealous at ppl who were talented than me, I was watching the tapes actually with a popcorn. And oh god those large competition events when you sit there for days and give it all, but then you’re like 296 out of 1000. Why was I proud instead of being sad? Idk xD It was fun.

So thanks for liking the vid, cause I even regretted uploading it a bit yesterday. Sadly everyone already knows that we lost this fandom to the middle schoolers being extra, so they do not care for anything each episode except for this ship, so that’s what I got for posting a just Langa vid:

And etc. and that just made me sad, cause I do not like such fandoms, like it’s not even related to the video, that I’ve been making... with love.  Also thanks for the "sama” title, I’m flattered, but editor only wants to vid matchablossom for now, so like there’s no need for any warnings. I’ve been in such horrendoes fandoms, that I’m immune to this. I also in fact didn’t know some keep ruining Langa’s page and saying that he steals Reki’s screen time... cause he’s aparently the only main character...? ...lmao? I didn’t even know Langa can be hated tbh. I wasn’t really ready for all the drama that followed me making a vid about him.

I’ve already deleted some comments, cause I’m like what this even has to do with the vid about Langa? No, I am not obliged to make a vid about Reki, too. What if I post a matchablossom vid, everyone will only start commenting “do renga”, cause fuck your efforts? I’m like... I hate such fanbases, seriously. I do not even know where this is going, but their fans are already pissing me off. I’m still trying hard for this to not affect my point of view about the ship, cause it’d be kinda unfair to them, but its getting harder each week istg.

And I maybe can’t take requests, but I love when some try to get me addicted on their ship with passion and great arguments. It happened to me with some nice ppl. But def not with agression and stupidity haha.

Cause apparently its one of the fandoms where you can’t NOT care for the main ship, even if you accept it for the only possible Langa ship (cause he doesn’t give a shit for anyone else, so like what’s the point), but it doesn’t do anything for you. I’m like... thanks for threatening. This will make me on board ASAP. Like it’s not the epitomy of love to me... I’m sorry? LMAO 

Some anon even sent me a “you’re dense” (literally thats it) ask after that Reki ask. I was tempted to write smth like “oh I’m sorry, this is the most epic love story of my life and his character is the most complex in the world and he’s the best friend and the most inspiring human being that ever hit my screen. can I become undense now? xD”. But you know I do not know if they’d realise the sarcasm and my pride sadly never allowed me to sell my life values for a bunch of 12 years olds to love me lol

My sister always laughs and jokingly says “but you’d probably get much more subs if you made a vid about this or that, but at what price that would be lmao”. Cause yeah, I never could make myself vid smth I do not like, cause I love vidding and do not want it to be associated with things I do not like, plus it’ll most likely turn out ugly, if I do not care. My mom says that she can feel love I put in my shipping vids that’s why she loves them. I really don’t think she’s wrong. But that also kinda makes me an idiot technically, cause I’m not into many of the popular ships, and some popular animes I just find really basic. 

Also I’m like 100% sure it ain’t happening, but even if they miraculously suck each other’s dicks while sitting on a skate board, I can still have the rights not to care at the end. Like did I sign some form where I’m obliged to love each and everyone canon gay ship even if it’s not what I like? Like gay is not the type of love in relationships. You can only care about his ass like Lan Zhan for example or you can only care about your ass. Like that’s different types of relationships, and whatever you like you like. So get all the way of people’s backs, please.

Also do ppl know that you do not need to be blind to the bad sides of the characters in your ships? Or you just gonna be like “I suddenly can’t see” for forever.

So really thanks for such wonderful message and liking the video and for the boosts when I need them and not being an ass to me if I’m not being obsessed with smth, when you like it. (like I think we have different ship in bnha, right? but we’re still doing great tho, thanks for being an angel <3)

I still didn’t expect this becoming a Voltron 2.0. situation tho. We in our twenties see everything differently, I guess. I do get extra about “their love is everywhere”, but I do not get extra by anonymously attacking ppl, threatening creators and yelling “queeerbating psychotic blind assholes if these two aint fucking by the end of the season I’m shaving my head and jumping out of the window and shoot the director. you do not ship it HARD? YOU DUMB FUCK. THAT’S THE BEST LOVE STORY IN THE WORLD”. Like damn, take your blinders off and see the world, kid. Firstly, it’s definitely not, secondly, ppl see love differently in general and at each age too.

Ah, also you must kill Adam, cause he’s a pedo apparently. Like he ain’t even a threat to your ship, unless you’re blind, but they’re still at it, like they do not know that this kind of age difference is literally nothing for an anime? And that there are canon ships with a huger age difference left and right, too. It’s like its their first time approaching an anime or smth. Like in anime world character can literally kill 1000 ppl with his bare hands and bathe in their blood and we can still stan them, depends on their story, ok? Also Langa couldn’t care less for his advances, so like separate Adam from your ship pls. Like, fuck off, if someone is interested in his character. Yeah, he’s a weirdo for reasons, but anime kind of weird do not apply to real life. Stop acting like you’re some purist, when later you’re gonna ship smth else and it suddenly will not apply. Also rules do not apply to animes, everyone knows they do not apply. These are not western cartoons, my god. And 24 years old flirting with 16 year old is defiinitely not the weirdest shit anyone has ever seen in the anime. Chinese BL has characters who were 14 and 30 when they met and happily married. Also FICTION is not life. Literally no one cares. If you’re scared for your saint eyes, do not watch animes, you’re gonna have a heart-attack from what you can see there. Also we’ve seen gayer bromances in animes, who are just bromances, so pls do not shoot anyone if it’s not canon.

So basically I was kinda pissed yersterday, cause fuck them for ruining the tag, but after chatting with my hommies and your ask, I’m okay again, I just have to avoid this fandom and stick to a tight community xD. I just got used to my nice fandoms and forgot for a bit about the precautions you need to take if you’re in one of those. You know. Who make a circus out of lgbt, instead of supporting it, and make other ppl hate being in fandoms.

P.S. sorry for this partially unrelated rant, your messages really always make my heart bloom, so thanks for supporting me, and I know you’re proud of my progress, too <3 and this makes me happy. LY

[ashtcnirwin]

god typing your url is always so hard for me i don't know why but i always want to type ashtocn ANYWAY how about this: gimme a director's cut for jalex in paris, change my mind fic, or makeup artist ashton fic. yes those are the three you wrote for me. i'm giving you the option to only break down one of them if you don't wanna have to dig into all three. but like you can hit all three if you wanna! go crazy. whatever floats your boat. love youuu xoxo bella

you and me both, i keep spelling it as aschtnirwin whenever i have to type it out🤡

hmm giving me choices... i like that, thank u miss bella! i haven’t really talked much about any of these fics (that i can remember), and i can’t quite make up (heh heh) my mind (heh heh) so i’ll just do all three and here’s to hoping i can keep it at least a little bit short

⭐ we’re doing director’s cut of fics guys⭐

jalex in paris aka we go together (or we don’t go down at all)

writing this fic was really hard in one way because i’d never written a fic for a fandom that i barely knew anything about, and i remember that i spent that whole morning/early afternoon looking at atl interviews and miscellaneous vids to get a tiny teeny grasp of their vibes. and it’s like...when you’re part of a fandom, you keep picking up all these little pieces of information about whatever/whoever it is you’re a fan of, things that you won’t find on a wiki page or anything, but to try and pick up all those little details in one day just wasn’t gonna happen obviously. 

i think you, bella, commented on smth in the fic, a little detail or smth that didn’t add up with the real people, and i never went back to fix it (cos it just...didn’t matter to the story at all really) but i remember thinking to myself like “ah fuck...okay making little mistakes like that is really irritating cos if this was 5sos (or 1d for that matter) i’d never ever make a mistake like that”, yk?

anyway, i love paris a lot, i’ve been there a few times, and i’d been meaning to write you some jalex for a while when...either sam or meghna said smth about jalex in paris, and i thought...yeah...i can do that...mhm. so i did. and you know me, i’m usually all about the angst and the emotional torture and the heartbreak and all that stuff, BUT in addition to this fic being written for you and i know you’re all about the easy love, writing this as angsty or have jalex have a bigass argument over their relationship or anything like that just didn’t feel right AT ALL. 

in my mind at least, the combination of how jalex act irl, both as individuals and as a duo, and the general vibe i was going for in the fic, the easy love-path was the only thing that made sense. it was just like...they spent a day wandering around paris, being a little chaotic, and ended with them sitting at a restaurant in the early evening, waiting for their dinner, and then jack just being like “are we on a date?”, totally casual, and then that was it, sort of. no conflict, no long conversation, no colliding expectations, etc etc, and it was lovely to write.

(but ofc, in true me-fashion, i had to throw SOMETHING in there, hence the nods towards a fwb-arrangement)

(in my defense, if it wasn’t for that, there never would’ve been a ‘is this a date?’-question tho so)

and i really, really enjoyed writing this piece, far more than i thought i would, and getting to write about parisian vibes (and cute boys complaining about awfully hot parisian summer weather) was just...i felt like a soft boiled egg by the time i finished and posted it😌

change my mind-fic aka we dance along

would you believe that this was the first fic i ever wrote that was inspired by a song? actually, so far it’s the only song-inspired fic i’ve written, i haven’t written another one since. why haven’t i? it was so much fun...huh 

well i’m a wh*re for 1d, i was deep into the fandom back in the heyday, and this song was my sad jam back when tmh came out, so writing a fic for it eight years later and for a different fandom was...it felt a little odd, ngl, especially since i wrote it as non-au? which would indicate that 1d exists in this universe? and that 5sos went on tour with them? i don’t think i put a direct timestamp on the fic, but they were in stockholm when the events of the fic went down and it was established that they were in sheffield a week prior, so that would have been the myt tour, so...yeah, they would have toured with 1d a few years prior, and now they’re hanging out, drunk, in an hotel room, speaking in 1d lyrics? that’s a vibe

just like the jalex in paris-fic, there’s easy love here, too. i think i said something in the club a little while back (it might have been in response to...nik asking for general writing tips?) about how sometimes, people just...do things, they don’t think it through, they don’t stress out about it or anything; they want something and they go for it, and it just isn’t deeper than that. not everything has to be super fucking deep, right?

and i remember thinking as i was getting started on writing malum’s whole conversation about what went down in sheffield, that if any 5sos ship was gonna hook up and then a week later be like “ykw? i like you, i liked kissing you, i liked hooking up with you, so let’s just run with it and see where it takes us” with just a brief, minor freakout and not getting themselves into a whole pining, angsty situation over it, it would be malum. cos the basic premise of this fic COULD have been turned into an angsty slow burn, no doubt, but it made sense to me to drop the argument all together and just go for a soft and easy conversation

makeup artist ashton au aka something old, something new

ah awkward, nervous luke...loml. this one was SO FUCKING HARD to write for the sole reason that idk shit about makeup, like i’m literally barely able to paint my own face without ending up looking like heath ledger in the dark knight, u feel? had it only been hairdresser!ashton. i know way more about hair. well anyway doesn’t matter.

it’s been so long since i wrote that fic now (or, it feels like it’s been super long, in all actuality it’s only been like half a year) and i wrote it so quickly that i can’t remember a lot about my thought process as i wrote it, tbh?

the only thing that stands out to me is the line in the fic that goes, “He chooses to not say anything about the fact that it’s the judgement he’s passing on himself that’s the main problem.” because while i’m obviously not gonna sit here and speak for everyone else, i often find that when i make a big change in my life, be it with my looks or my job or my studies or in personal relationships or whatever else, i tend to be more focused on judging myself for whatever it is i just did than i am on whatever judgement other people may be passing on me.

i wrote luke as being super nervous and unsure about asking ashton to put makeup on him, but his nerves definitely came more from being scared of taking that step than from worrying about other people judging him. i didn’t elaborate on it in the fic as far as i can remember, but i imagine that the reason he was so nervous was that he was scared of taking another leap away from traditional masculinity and what it might lead to. i feel like...a part of him was hoping that he wouldn’t like his face with makeup on, simply because then he could take it all off and carry on with his life, but well, that didn’t happen. he’s a pretty boi, even prettier with makeup.

also, in hindsight, i realise that this is one of those fics that could have been left pairing-less and it wouldn’t really have changed the story much at all. the focus of the fic was very much on luke, not as much on the interactions between him and ashton, and i think the main reason why i did include some flirting (or, clumsy attempts at flirting at least (luke just going ‘hey do u have snapchat? pls? i wanna talk to u more)) was that it’s become more or less second nature to me when writing fic to include at least a nod or two towards a romantic relationship?

yeah i did not manage to keep any of these particularly short? surprise surprise but thank u bella for giving me the chance to talk abt these fics that i have a tendency to forget abt, ily🧡