#why am i always the only one more invested in relationships whatever they may be. I'm always more invested and i always get hurt

[batgrldes]

My God, I just woke up to pandemonium on here! And what do I see but some freshly baked buddie content! I told myself I would step back a little and reduce my expectations but how am I supposed to do that when they give us this? I am trying like an addict to not take another hit of buddie cannon thoughts but here I go again.

I'm not sure what to make of the top picture with Eddie. There's a relaxed nature to him. The familiarity and comfort of his hand on (Buck's?) shoulder says whatever is going on, Eddie is in a good place. He may be talking about his dating life. I still say dating and not relationship because this Era of Eddie is about putting himself out there, not about finding a marriage worthy partner (*grumbling* he's already married to someone.) He's not ready for a serious relationship but is having a good time.

Next we have Buck and Chris. This is a serious conversation of whatever they could be talking about. There are a few possibilities of what it could be:

-Problems at school

-Issues with growing up, puberty, teen stuff.

-Dilemma with his dad

-A lack of Buck in Christopher's life and pulling away

-The Buckley-Diaz family is starting to fracture big time.

These all kind of correlate with each other, which is why it's so hard to pin down what it could be. What I can see is Buck is trying to talk to Chris, but it's not face to face. He is looking away as if it's difficult to talk about, possibly holding back something, or even downright lying about it, (Buck's a terrible liar so it may also be denial or ignorance driving him).

And Christopher is the big red flag here. He is not invested in this convo. He is not looking at Buck and is busy writing in his notebook. Now, I guess he could be writing down what Buck is saying. I see some people saying he's asking Buck about past traumas for a report, but I'm not too sure about that one. This is giving me more, "I here you but I'm not listening" which I could be wrong about, but I feel like it's time for Buck to realize he's not Christopher's number one friend that can do no wrong anymore and has to face the fact that Chris is growing up and is more perceptive about what is going on in his life and in his home.

He's probably wondering why Buck isn't around as much. Teenage life is turbulent and confusing, and neither his Dad nor Buck is around for him to ask stuff. He may be feeling left out or left behind. He may feel a little jaded by Buck since he promised Chris he would always be around. (Gavin is such an amazing actor. I cannot wait to see him in this scene.)

There, I have said my piece about these photos. I may add to this but I'll try not to only in that I don't want to overthink it, as if I already haven't.

- Bonus thought: I really think Buck and Eddie are heading for a break up this season. There is a lot being left unsaid, plenty of trauma between them, and for buddie to work, there needs to be a breakdown and rebuilding of foundations. Not that they have to go clean-slate, but re-evaluate who they are to each other and face their feelings about one another. I need at least one of them to say 'I need you' and realize they are in love. That passion needs to come forward and it most likely will come in the form of a fight.

Okay I'm done.

[dangermousie]

This is honestly heartbreaking, because he's smart so he's self-aware how desperate he comes across and how that's too much etc etc. (Also, Deng Wei is a very good-looking man who's never done much for me in a hormones department but in this scene I am...well...well....moving on.)

The way he says he knows FBB is better for her and that she can live just fine without him but still holds on - it's like he's lost everything else for her, what's dignity on top of that but ugh his sense of inadequacy must be so crippling and it kills me because just as no matter what she cannot truly feel secure that someone will put her first unceasingly, he can never truly feel secure he is worthy of her (and also the way he knows he's way more invested in this relationship*) and just...

Her reaction to this utterly heartbreaking confession sums up why she can only be with Jing despite the physical appeal of vampy or bond with cousin or whatever - because he's the only one in the narrative willing to love her the way she wants and needs to be loved. Is it a healthy way? Probably not. Is it the same choice that members of the audience would make? Beside the point. It's the choice that makes sense for her as she's written.

And that is why she and vampy were never fated btw; his way of loving her is totally against everything she needs and wants - being left for his cause, stuff done for her sake that she did not ask for etc etc etc. It is grand, it's epic, it may be a dream of many a different woman (I am weak myself when I watch him tbh), but it is literally the opposite of mundane, causeless enmeshed existence she wants for herself and her loved one.

(*) stuff that happens in the novel after the end of the season actually does address that and deals with the emotional disparity in their relationship, his always chasing and her always at best accepting, and it's pretty damn glorious. If/when we get second season, I will die if it's adapted well.

[honeykaes]

𝐂𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐨 𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐦 𝐕𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐈𝐕

warning: mention of cheating

𝐁𝐨𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐌𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫!𝐍𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐧𝐠

About Ningguang: You’re asking why one of the richest women in the world has this job? Well, I don’t think I can reveal all my secrets without an exchange now, not to mention it’s quite rude to ask in the open like this. Why don’t we plan a more private conversation later?

About Ningguang II: I love the finer things in life what can I say? I purely worked hard to get to my position in the world. Why do you think the press can’t get enough of me, haha!~

About Zhongli: Honestly, he doesn’t know half of actually running a company. I’m one of the main reason this company is profiting and staying afloat. He hired me to keep him in check after his last business sank after all.

About (Y/n): Ah! The talk of the town. I may have invited them to some tea in my chambers. …What’s that look for. It’s only tea and conversation…~

About Yelan: I truly appreciate her. She makes my job ten times easier. You’d be shocked about the information she digs up. One reason why Golden Celeste does so well is because, not only are we one of the best casinos in the world, other companies know not to mess with us unless they want a…challenge. Let’s keep it at that.

About Golden Celeste: I will admit I am tired of his name as the reason this casino and resort is doing so well. Zhongli needs to be careful. I sense an uprising brewing in the background. And if he isn’t lucky, someone might take away his favorite toy. Oh me? Haha, I’m just musing, don’t mind it.

About Xiao: That boy is an odd one. He actually was the one who assisted in my travels from China to Las Vegas. He’s quiet though. I wonder what would make him crack…?

𝐈𝐧𝐯𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫!𝐑𝐚𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐧 𝐄𝐢

About Ei: Yes, I come here from time to time as we have invested a lot in the greenery and furnishing in this establishment. I don’t like my money being wasted so I like to check up on how things are doing every now and then. This city is a…bit much for me, I must admit.

About Ei II: Siblings? I actually have quite a few. I’m part of a triplet. My eldest sister passed on though so it’s just myself, Sho and our half-brother. Whose our half brother? I think that’s none of your business.

About Zhongli: Zhongli and I have been partners for a very long time. I was tempted to cut business ties after much of my money was wasted on his previous endeavor. My late sister convinced me to give him another chance and here we are. We are only allies for her, that’s it.

About Venti: Yes…I’ve known him a long time as well. The drunkard actually had his own company before he completely sold it off and did…whatever he does now. I prefer not talking to him much if I can help it.

About Scaramouche: …I’d prefer not to speak about him.

About (Y/n): They did catch my eye when I first walked in. Hmm…I wonder if they’re sick of the city. It might be a great introduction to show them around Tokyo, where I am regarded so highly. It’s cute how they interact without knowing just how powerful I am. I enjoy our relationship.

About Sparking Sakura: My company? Yes. The top earning in the Japanese Market and one of the greatest in the world. We have dealings mainly in East Asia; however, we are beginning to finally branch out more in the West.

About Yae Miko: An old friend. Do be careful with her. She’s as tricky as a fox.

𝐉𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭!𝐘𝐚𝐞 𝐌𝐢𝐤𝐨

About Yae Miko: Ah! You know of my blog! Yes, I’m quite a famous critic in the art and entertainment realm. My articles have a lot of sway. As annoying as it is, Golden Celeste is a joy to be at, so I always stay here whenever I need to come to Las Vegas

About Yae Miko II: Oh?~ I’m not here to write? Perhaps you’re right. I needed a break, plus, I heard something was quite interesting here.

About Ei: The workaholic. Since her eldest sister died, she has put everything into her work. I worry about her sometimes. She needs to get out more and live a little…

About Zhongli: To this day, I don’t understand how he was able to build this casino. I mean his credit is abysmal. I think he may have some connections with some rather shady people. I mean how else could he rebound so quickly from his bankrupt and scandal-filled company?

About Scaramouche: Ahh. Ei didn’t tell you? Figures. Yes, he is her half-brother. Her father went off and got some random woman pregnant from another company. They completely hide his birth in the country. I thought he went off to Russia or something. It’s interesting to see him here. Hehe…part of me wished I could see Ei’s face when she first realized he was here.

About Ayato: …I wouldn’t trust him if I were you. He shouldn’t even be here. I bet his trying to gather information for his own company. Do I not like him? We just have a…cat and mouse type of relationship.

About (Y/n):  Awww, just adorable. I can see why everyone is so enamored by them. Hehe…I can already think about the amusing scenarios we can put them through. I wonder how everyone would react hehe… 

About (Y/n) II: I will admit one thing, this is truly a game of chess for everyone. Who will be the winners, and who will be the losers…and who will cheat their way to victory? That’s for all of us to find out…and I for one am excited for the entertainment.

[babydarkstar]

8, 9, 10 & 28 for that sapphic ask meme!!

thank u for the ask lay :)

8.what's your relationship status? are you happy about it? single single single very single. i’m content right now with being single because i’m selfish and i’m going through a lot both emotionally and in my personal life and i’m not out to my parents which is a huge thing for me. i don’t want to have to sneak around if i’m with someone, as alluring as that may be in fiction. i also would rather be in a relationship once i’ve moved out of my parents house. but yeah just bc im content rn doesn’t mean i’m not lonely and full of wretched longing

9. do you have a "type"? if so, what is it? butch. outspoken. intelligent. unashamed. funny. protective. mean. mean to everyone except me, with a capital M. passionate about activism. into my politics. into me. a little bit evil perhaps, because i am also a little bit evil. secret soft spot! intellectually stimulating, someone who doesn’t always agree with me on everything but remains respectful. did i mention butch? the more masculine the better honestly, i think it’s a beautiful thing when accompanied with the female body. i love femmes and all women of all types honestly but my ideal woman is butch and bold, an adjacent attitude to my less-bold tendencies and something i so deeply admire, and something that very much stirs passion in me. i need someone to rile me up just as much as they calm me down. if that makes sense. basically i need this:

10. did you do anything gay as a kid that makes sense when you look back on your childhood? wanting to express femininity but not enjoying any of the ‘possible’ ways it was presented to me. what else…..i was much more invested in making friends with other girls, and i always thought my sporty tomboy friends were leagues better than their male counterparts lmao. i never wanted to be a tomboy but i always loved them and wanted to be their friend. i thought girls were smarter, easier to get along with, and more caring, so i only made friends with other girls. misandrist since birth i suppose. also you know that thing where u pass by victoria’s secret and look away without knowing why? yeah i did that lmfao. and if i felt like i was staring too long at women on magazines i would pretend like i was looking at the homegoods ones or whatever. a big one would be kissing my friend in the third row of the minivan on a night drive when my parents couldnt see us lmfao. oh and having extreme anxiety about even the prospect of kissing a boy but then my first real kiss ended up being with one of my girl best friends.

28. what's a canon sapphic ship you enjoy? griddlehark ;~; they make me want to chew drywall and i love how fucking weird they are

[alyjojo]

Advice to Work on Yourself 🪁 in June 2023: Gemini

10 Cups - 5 Cups - 9 Cups

Regarding: 4 Wands

This reading is about a relationship that’s ended or is ending, it could have moved really fast, like you two didn’t even really know each other. The Fool is here, planning is here, brand new energy is here, and you go from a 4 to a perceived 10…but really it’s a 9, self energy.

4 Wands is a stable relationship, probably living together, you could have gone from “this person is amazing” to “let’s move in together” really quickly. You’re wondering why it hasn’t worked out, you were so excited, impulsive, passionate…initially. 10 Cups is feeling like all of your dreams have come true, you’ve found your person, happily ever after. But this is right after meeting, or dating, not much time has been invested at all. King of Swords is either you or them, and the blame here is either you or them, only you know. I’ll blame you to make it easier 😆 It’s actually pretty specific so, you’ll know.

There was no vetting process with this person, no trying to figure them out, not much depth in conversations…there was a lot you didn’t know. Or they didn’t. However long it lasted, it began with feeling overjoyed, and over time disappointment began setting in. One person is really only concerned about themselves. It starts at a 10, and quickly becomes a 9. Maybe always was. They could be a greedy type, definitely holds money close to their chest, though when it’s their hobbies and ideas, they overspend, it’s the polar opposite energy. Probably not the most responsible, but still manages to act condescending or controlling with you. Like you’re the problem. Or that’s describing you. With 2 Pentacles I am getting a Gemini vibe of “two faces”, the happy one and the “fk you I’m gonna do what I want” one. Which is fine, but they can’t do what they want as well is the energy here. Or that’s flipped.

9 Cups is indulgence, and a few hobbies are shown here as part of that. Overspending on their own desires, what they like, what they want, doesn’t matter how you feel or think. They just act like a single person with the face of a relationship. I do get this 10 Cups perception managed to prolong this for awhile, whether the other person thought it was a phase, immaturity, whatever, they just hoped it would change back into the 10 Cups that was felt initially. 5 Wands shows that did not happen. The other person started speaking up, “causing conflict”, but really it seems they waited until it was getting out of hand. One person is focused on the whole, the future. The other person is focused on themselves. This ended the connection entirely, over a period of time, and probably some drama & arguing became a regular thing before it was over.

Further clarification is 8 Swords. Gemini energy. For those where this is you, you already know this, you were present at the arguments, you defended probably wasteful or kinda selfish indulgences, you just pretend you can’t see it and can’t stop it. You can. You’re a smart cookie 🍪 Or this this is their energy and there’s nothing you could have done, showing powerlessness, you can’t control people. 8 Swords is either self-sabotage, they can escape, or stop this, they just don’t, they keep themselves stuck. But pretend they don’t understand the issue. Because they don’t want to change.

Animal Oracle: Zebra 🦓

“Let go of your fear and know that you are safe and protected at all times.”

Whenever you venture into unfamiliar territory, it’s quite natural to feel some trepidation. Your mind can create all sorts of scenarios as to what can go wrong. Doubts and uncertainties may arise, and the path can seem fraught with challenges and sometimes even danger. You may find yourself stuck at times, fearful about moving ahead. Yet much of what we label as fear isn’t actually fear. True fear is a vital, instinctual response to any life-threatening situation, and is triggered not only by circumstances and events, but even more so by what you think about those circumstances or events.

Stay relaxed yet vigilant, trusting that nothin can truly harm you and your body will provide sensory information if there is any actual danger. If there is truly a threat, your instincts will tell you what to do. Whenever you feel an exaggerated sense of fear triggered mainly by your thoughts, one that has little or no basis in reality, take a few slow deep breaths. Call upon Spirit, reach out to close ones for reassurance to help you feel grounded and centered. Recall times in the last when you did feel frightened or were in danger and not only survived but came through intact. You can also re-label fear and call it excitement, as the two emotions are very similar in they way they manifest in the body. Most of all, trust your spirit guides, your instincts, your friends to watch out for you.

Artist Oracle: AI WEIWEI

- When authority says to be quiet, get a loudspeaker.

- Art must fight for freedom or the whole world is a prison.

- Some things are whole only when they shatter.

Advice:

- Knowledge is Power

- Add Your Neighbors to Your Community

Charms:

Tennis 🎾 and Horse 🐎 on 9 Cups could nod towards gambling for someone, sports, hobbies in general, the things they enjoy. Normally that isn’t a problem, so it must be excessive, or they’re extremely controlling with others or “together” priorities, but rich af when it’s their team’s playoffs right? Assuming sports, it can be video games too, or literally any hobby at all would fit here. It’s just whatever it is - it’s excessive and they act like it’s not the problem, you are. Or switch it.

Dead Tree 🍂 on The World connected to 5 Wands and conflicts, you argue, and argue, and argue, until it’s dead and over with. The other person can only be so patient, especially if they’re being treated badly, not the priority in your life, not your team mate. If they’re going to watch the other person just live for themselves, might as well BE by themselves. I don’t see anything being left in this connection to heal, The World is done, it’s a lesson learned. If this is not you, then the reading is validating you and everything you’ve experienced. If it is you, then the advice is recognizing an issue so it doesn’t carry on to the next cycle or relationship, shadow work 🙏

[feralgodmothers]

I can’t bring myself to hate Christopher. I know it’s popular to hate him. But it’s the same deal as dean? What crime did he actually commit except be the woman’s first love? And a reminder of who she was before the most popular fandom choice? I prefer Luke for Lorelai. But I can’t hate Christopher. Sherry whatsherface and Anna Nardini on the other hand….let’s just say I don’t take well to people willingly abandoning their children. And the less said about April’s two faced, passive aggressive mother the better.

Ps. I remembered that Anna Nardini’s actress played Mariano’s defacto stepmother and I am CACKLING!!!!!

I feel exactly the same way, anon. Like… to a T.

People in this fandom hate on Chris as if being flaky is the most heinous thing a parent can ever be. (I mean, hey - I’m glad they’re all in such a fantastic place where their standards can be sky high, and that they all have the perfect parents or whatever, but good GOD. We have to stop babying Rory so much. Like aww, her life isn’t picture perfect?)

I hate to come across as the person in the anti-Chris debate who’s like ‘other people have it so much worse’, but… I mean-

Come on. IT IS NOT THAT SERIOUS.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I would happily trade fathers with Rory in a heartbeat. (No take-backs though. I’d keep Christopher, and she can pass on my father to some unsuspecting sap like the demon from It Follows.)

He loves (and even likes) Rory and is glad she exists. That’s at least the first step in being a decent parent in my books. I’ll admit - my bar for fathers is probably a little lower than it should be, but even taking that into consideration - the amount of hate Christopher gets is ridiculous. I think if you took away the fact that he’s the main obstacle to a fan favorite ship, people wouldn’t be overly bothered by him. His only “crime” is that he wasn’t around in person regularly, but his situation is a little weird, tbh. He’s still in love with Lorelai, and she sort of loves him too, but she doesn’t want them to be a traditional family, etc. It would be kind of awkward to navigate that, but he still called Rory on the phone fairly regularly, helped pay for her education, and immediately rushed to SH and stayed up all night when Rory ended up in the hospital after the car crash (the first and only real injury she’s ever had if I remember right?). People who call him a “deadbeat dad” really need to look up what that term actually means. He was invested enough in his relationship with Rory that he actually got upset and was ready to fight with Lorelai when Rory stopped communicating with him and he believed that Lorelai was behind it. People argue that he only cares about Lorelai, and always shows up only because of her, but that’s clearly untrue. And you’re absolutely right - he gets the Dean Forester treatment. He’s the wrench in their preferred ship, so they exaggerate his negative qualities to rationalize their blind hatred. It’s insane (and more than a little annoying). To me, if you don’t like a character, that’s fine - but the least you can do is be honest about why you don’t like them. Don’t try to feed me your fan-made caricatures. This show gives us enough examples of actual bad parents without the fandom treating the middling ones like they’re the spawn of Satan. Why hate Liz and Chris when Jimmy, Sherry, Anna (and a lot of times, Emily and Richard) are RIGHT THERE? Plus, I think ASP felt the same way and tried to do some damage control with the fandom when she wrote Dean and Chris’ scenes in AYITL. I think Rory’s interactions with them (her monologue about Dean being a great boyfriend, and Chris asking not to be painted as “too much of a villain”) was a pointed hint on how she wanted the fandom to feel about those characters. Funny how people will respect her authority as the creator only when she conveniently aligns with their opinions. 😒

I think I hate Anna more as a person than as a parent. April may have received some collateral emotional damage (and I obviously don’t like that), but my main beef with Anna was her treatment of Luke. There was literally no reason for her to be so nasty to him or to be as possessive over April as she was.

Sherry was god-awful. It’s probably a good thing Chris chose to stay with her in S2, because if he hadn’t - Sherry might have left Gigi in a dumpster or something.

I think Sherry abandoning Gigi and leaving Chris to be a single dad served as a major highlight of Chris and Lorelai being the “timing was never right” sort of couple. They had an undeniable bond, and ended up leading parallel lives, 19 (?) years apart. If it wasn’t for Luke (and I say this as a hardcore Luke/Lorelai shipper), I think Chris and Lorelai would have been a no-brainer option for each other. Even though I love Luke/Lorelai more, I do love Chris/Lorelai - both together and separately (even though the writing in S7 made them a little weird). I think their relationship is very bittersweet and tragic, and they break my heart a little bit.

[kjack89]

hi! first off, congrats on having 500 works up! ❤ ive been wanting to ask you for advice... im fairly new to posting fics on ao3, so i know not to expect much hits/kudos, but one of my fave fics that i wrote barely has any hits, and tbh it made me feel bad, coz i poured my heart into writing it. now im nervous to post the multi-chap fic that i wrote last year and am proud of coz what if it doesnt get appreciated and i lose appreciation for it too? :( do you have any advice for me? - E.

Thanks so much Nonny!

In terms of the advice you’re looking for…well, I can try, but the truth is, I may not be the best person to ask because the question you pose runs so opposite of how my brain is (mis-)wired that I temporarily blue screened while reading it. (Which is not to dismiss your feelings as invalid by any stretch! But they’re not necessarily something I’m equipped to help with.)

Which is to say, to me, you’ve already done the hardest part. You’ve already written something more.

When I have a fic that flops - and I’ve had a lot of them! I will have a lot more still to come! - my difficulty is always in getting past it to write the next thing. And I won’t lie, I’ve built in my expectations for return on investment into how I write fics. It’s why I don’t write very many multi-chapters anymore. It’s why I’ve had ideas for a fic and know that I’m never going to write it because the effort isn’t worth the payoff. It’s why I play things fairly safe in terms of treading familiar ground. Because I know how to manage my own expectations (and because I know that’s important to me to be able to keep writing).

But you! You have a multi-chapter already done and ready to go! And not only that but if I’m reading your ask correctly, you managed to write the entire thing without any feedback/hits/kudos/comments whatsoever! That’s mind-boggling to me. I don’t work like that. It’s one of many reasons why I struggle with the idea of writing a novel - I have a hard time staying motivated when I’m not getting semi-consistent feedback (in no small part because my brain chemistry is pretty fucked up).

Additionally, my appreciation for my own fics generally doesn’t change once it’s done and posted. I have moments of doubt, sure, like when a fic that I really love bombs I may question if it wasn’t as good as I thought it was, but I’ve been doing this for long enough now that I tend to read that more as a reflection on the fandom than the work itself. Like, oh, I wrote a whump fic, fandom didn’t respond, they must not be into that anymore (or at least right now), so I will probably not write a similar fic for awhile (or, if I get an idea that I just have to write that is in this vein, I’ll do so knowing that it’s gonna flop and adjust my expectations for it accordingly).

(And, on the flip side, if a fic ends up going over super well and I think it’s kind of meh, I don’t tend to think higher of it just because fandom loves it. I figure I managed to tap into something in the zeitgeist and that’s great but it doesn’t make my clumsy turns of phrase or lack of effort in characterization any better, y’know?)

So in terms of the advice that you’re looking for, I don’t know that I have an answer for you. All I’ll say is this: you can’t get appreciation from anyone besides yourself if you don’t share it. That said, for right now, maybe you decide to shelve it for the moment, to work on something else and keep this for yourself until you’ve established yourself in whatever fandom you’re in. And that’s ok too! I truly cannot relate (though I wish like hell I could) but you probably have a healthier relationship long-term with your writing than I do if that’s a decision you’re happy with.

At the end of the day, the only thing you (or any writer) can do is keep writing, so my advice is to do whatever you think will help you most to keep writing. That will almost certainly not look the same to you as it does to me, which I know is maddeningly unhelpful, but it’s all I’ve got.

[purplesurveys]

1736

Are you bothered by your cosmic insignificance? No. If anything, it's comforting to know how small our place is in the universe. Helps to put things in perspective as far as trying to stop myself from stressing out over small things. They don't matter.

Do you mourn for a place or person you’ve never known? Never happened with a place, but yes for people. You get invested in and influenced by people you don't need to know, but I wish we took that a little bit more seriously. Others can be very quick to judge.

Do you really think there is somebody for everybody? It's a nice thought, but no. Doesn't work like that for all of us whether by choice or otherwise.

Do you have to be related to be family? No. I've ditched that mindset for as long as I can remember.

Are your platonic relationships just as valuable as romantic or family ones? Yes.

Are you in love? Do you want to be? No and no. Once is enough.

Do you think you can put love into categories (family, platonic, romantic, etc.) or is it just one general sensation? There's no reason for me to lump it into one...my relationships with my friends are very different from my relationship with family.

Would you be happy with a life without romance? Yes, that's how I'm leading my life right now. I've never felt any pressure to seek relationships, flirt, date, hook up, etc. I'm fine on my own, but I also wish everyone else understood that. A few have implied they feel sorry for me and it can be pretty grating. Why are you stressing out, supposedly on my behalf, over a situation I'm perfectly happy about?

Are you always going to be a little in love with somebody? No.

Would you change your appearance if you could? I would but they would all have something to do with my hair lol. Like, I'd treat my hair to be forever un-frizzy, and I'd also do permanent hair removals on certain parts of my body. I'm fine with everything else about my appearance.

Do you have the feeling you’ve lost something you might have had in another life - whether it be a person, a place, a world, a language, etc.? Sure, I feel that's a natural way of life considering it can only go one way for all of us. The biggest example I can think of is the things I could have done and places I could visited over the course of the pandemic.

Do you believe in reincarnation? Nope.

Would you want to be reincarnated? I'm whatever about it. It's not like I'd be aware that I got reincarnated.

Do you think you’re special, or just another person amongst billions? Can you be both? I think everyone is special in that we're all unique, but there are just some who may have a little bit more charm under their belt so much that they stand out among the rest of us. That said, I hate the idea of standing out and prefer to just do my own thing and mind my own life.

Do theoretical ethical debates have any value? Is it important people discuss ethical dilemmas, e.g. the trolley problem? I understand why people would get invested in them but I personally do not care and find things like this a waste of time to discuss.

Did you have imaginary friends? Do you still have them? I made one up as a kid only because I learned about the concept of imaginary friends from the western cartoons I would watch. Quickly didn't see the point and grew bored when I couldn't get creative with my 'friend.' No, I don't have any now.

Are you religious? Do you think your religion is ‘correct’? I am not religious and people thinking their religion is 'correct' is partly the reason why I ditched the one I was born into.

If you aren’t religious, do you wish you were? Why? I know what it's like to be in a religion; it's why I left. It's a mix of many things – finding that many religious people I know are judgmental and hypocrites, not agreeing with most of the beliefs and 'rules,' and in general the idea of faith is just misaligned with the way I prefer to go about life.

Do you want a grand adventure? No. Phrasing it that way makes it sound like a lot of fun, realistically my weak Philippine passport would like to say hi.

Do you have somebody, whether it be a friend or stranger, who you think you could have loved if the circumstances were different? Nah.

Do you think you really understand your gender and sexuality? I guess. But this isn't really something I've actively made an effort to be more tuned into.

What’s the most life-changing choice you’ve made so far? I haven't had much of an adventure, tbh. Biggest thing thus far would probably be just me concretizing my plans to leave my current company, while being at the brink of a very important promotion. I'll be letting go of a lot of future opportunities, but I feel this is the best route for myself for now.

Are you afraid of growing old? Not so much of growing old, but more on the idea of losing more people the older I get.

Would you want to live forever? How about for a billion years, a million, a millennium, a century? If it comes with the added benefit that I will never age, then yes I would take the chance.

Do you believe in some form of god/s? Nope.

Are your choices fated or of your own free will? I am not in the belief that things are predetermined.

Do you have a hunch about how you’re going to die? Tbh, no. Death can happen so suddenly that I don't try to think much about how it will happen to me. It's like, I can stress for years over the possibility of getting a life-threatening illness only to be wiped out by a counterflowing truck the next day lmao.

Do you believe in star signs? Nope.

How old do you have to be to be considered an adult? If we want to get all pedantic then the answer is 18, but I know for a fact that some kids get forced into adulthood as kids because I'm one of them.

Was your childhood happy? It had fleeting happy moments but there are scars from most of it.

What are you missing from your life? Adventure. I need to try more new things more often. I'm a person of routine, but even I need to tell myself to lay off of it more.

Have you ever met someone who had a very similar personality to your own? Did you get along? Yes, Andi and I get along very well as we understand each other.

Do opposites attract? Sure.

Is your life what you expected it would be five years ago? Not in the least. The only thing I'm not surprised about is landing in PR since that's what I've always set out to do. Everything else is different.

Do you know what you want out of life? I'm working towards figuring it out.

What makes a person ‘good’? Are you a ‘good person’? It would be very difficult to define goodness within a set of criteria. There are so many ways people can live kind lives.

What fundamentally matters to you? Being happy, not feeling restricted in any way, being satisfied with the person you are.

Is freewill an illusion? I guess, for the most part. There are always barriers whether we recognize them as such or not.

Do you create art? How do you define art? I do mine through my writing. I don't feel like defining art right now though. In general I didn't expect this survey to get so deep so from here on out expect surface-level answers because I do not feel like going deep at 11:30 PM lol.

How often do you lie? Is all lying inherently bad? Are you generally truthful? I try to avoid it but when faced with situations where it's more convenient, or if I can avoid more complicated questions by lying, then I'd do so. But yes, I generally am truthful – I tend to want to let people know how I really think.

Do you want to be remembered after your death? What for? It would be nice but at the end of the day I don't think I'll ultimately care. I'll be dead. I won't be overthinking or worrying by then.

Is true world peace ever possible? No.

Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? Yes, it's how I was raised. We were never allowed to make mistakes as kids and my mom always treated us like grownups from the get-go, and that has spilled over to today. I always feel like I'm headed towards a punishment, so I always want to please people and generally be perfect at everything.

What do you expect from a friend or partner? Patience and understanding.

What question could you ask to find out the most about a person? That could differ depending on the person.

Which beliefs do you have that is most likely to be wrong? I want to have hope for my country, but I don't think it will happen in this lifetime.

Can humans really understand the complete nature of the universe, space and time? Probably not.

Is a consciousness what makes someone a person? No.

What do you think about artificial intelligence? I'm not impressed by it.

Do you thinks humans are obsessed with escapism (books, video games, movies, etc.)? Are you looking for an escape? Do you think that’s a bad thing? For me it only becomes a problem once you get all cult-like about it, and if it affects your daily relationships. Otherwise, go crazy with the escapism if it helps you and heals you.

Are we eventually going to ‘run out’ of new combinations for music, art, language, etc.? Is there a limit to human creativity? Not at all.

What do you think the next era of music will be like? I mean, AI acts are already coming out so maybe that. I'm vehemently not a fan of the concept though.

What do you think the next era of fashion will be like? Who the fuck knows. I never expected Y2K style to be a thing again so I'm happy to sit back not knowing what the next trends would be.

Do we live in tumultuous times, or do they just seem so strange because we’re living in them? I think society has always lived in tumultuous times. This conversation essentially sits at the same table as the idea of the world never being able to achieve peace.

Would you want to meet a clone of yourself? Would you like them? It would be interesting and I think I'll find myself just fine.

How confident are you, really? I can hold my own for the most part but I also don't think I'm as confident as I think I am. There are many areas I have self-doubts on.

How consistent is your perception of time? I don't know what the hell this is asking.

What age should people be allowed to vote? Should children and teenagers be allowed to vote? No I don't think kids and teenagers should vote and I'm fine with having voted when I turned 18.

How do you feel about the idea ‘an eye for an eye’? Idk depends on the situation. When is this survey going to end LOL

What’s the worse thing a person can be? An animal abuser. I may hate them more than murderers, tbh.

How do you feel about monogamy? Nothing.

Can you be in love with someone and still fall in love with someone else? I guess it can happen but I personally disagree with it very strongly.

What’s the tragedy of your life? It hasn't happened and I try not to think in that perspective.

Would your life make a good play? No.

Should people be prosecuted for crimes that weren’t considered crimes at the time? Idk I'd have to ask my law friends for their thoughts on this.

Would you fight for your country? Do you feel a sense of loyalty to your nation? Nah and no.

Do you believe in gender equality in every aspect? Yes.

Do we have a moral obligation to care for others? To what extent? Well, not everyone. I wouldn't help someone who's been rude to me or my loved ones.

Do you crave approval and/or praise? As a lifelong people pleaser, yeah.

Is there comedy in all tragedy and tragedy in all comedy? OMG I don't care.

Are you ever going to be satisfied? I hope so.

When you are sad, do you listen to music that conveys your emotions or music that makes you happy? It depends. I can definitely go either way.

Is your music organised by mood or sensation or do you just listen to everything at any time? I'll listen to whatever.

Would you marry a friend if they needed you to (e.g. for citizenship)? No.

Are you a deep person? Based on my reactions to this survey so far, I can be deep but for the most part I prefer not to be.

Given the chance to live your life on Mars, with no hope of returning to Earth but with the promise of scientific discovery and glory, would you take it? No.

Are you who people think you are? I don't know what people think of me.

Do you think you would be happier if you had been born a different gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, nationality or religion? Depends. If I grew up in a country that cared more about their people than yeah probably.

What’s your toxic trait? Are you trying to improve yourself and fix it? I am responsible for pushing myself back. All the time. Yes I am and trying to switch jobs is the first thing I'm doing to fix that.

Do you anger easily? I can't remember the last time I was angry, but I do have a short fuse. I can be moody and can get easily irritated or impatient.

Are you a jealous person? Nah.

If you lost all your memories, would you have the same personality? Probably not.

Given the chance to reset your life (with none of the knowledge you currently have), would you take it? No thanks.

Is hate as strong as love? Who do you hate? I guess. I don't hate anyone.

Do you speak multiple languages? Which do you dream in? What language would you want to learn? I dream in the two languages I speak. I would like to master Korean.

Do you draw meaning from your dreams, or do you disregard them? I think they reflect the state of my mind, like my stressors and such, but I don't think they mean anything.

How would you describe yourself when you love? Do you love forcefully, unconditionally, gently, quietly, desperately? Unconditionally. Too much for my own good, which is why I've backed off of it.

Is unrequited love real love? Sure.

Is your perception of yourself similar or the same to how others perceive you? Um it's probably different idk.

Are you overly analytical? Sure.

Do you ever feel that you are really a terrible person, and only act good out of societal or some other obligation? No, I've never thought of myself in that way.

Do you believe in magic? Are you superstitious? No, no.

What belief do you have that isn’t logically grounded, but you still firmly believe in? "Everything will be okay."

[theramblinghockeydude]

Self confidence...is this a new term?

I have never been good at confronting others about things that have hurt me or made me feel uncomfortable or bad in any way. I believe this is because I lack self confidence and really always have. I have found throughout life that confronting others means they are going to come back at you, usually pretty hard and try to make you feel like what you are feeling is not valid, they would never do that, or they simply don't remember doing that. I don't have the self confidence in myself to continue on and simply say, no, you hurt me, you make me feel uncomfortable around you or whatever the case may be, I simply have a hard time standing up for myself because I do not believe in myself. So, instead of confronting others I traditionally pull away and take myself out of the equation. There are different reasons that I have pulled away from people in life, the fear of confrontation with them being just one.

In a...not sure how to term it...romantic relationship...I pull away once things get to a certain point. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and the person to end it with me, so once I am at a point where I am fully invested, I have dropped and ran to avoid what I know in my head, is the inevitable break up, so why not get out in front of it and be the one who does it first. It isn't that I an incapable of feeling or handling things past a certain point it is more that I don't think things will last, they will find something wrong with me and a reason to end things so I do it first, somehow thinking that in having that control I will feel better about the situation. I never have, actually end up feeling worse probably because I never gave things a chance and kind of leave the other person wondering what the hell is going on.

I have pulled away from people because I have been dealing something in my life that makes it hard for me to be the outgoing friend that I am and want to be. The best example of this is during a period of time in my life when being super active started to be an issue because my back would ache so bad I had to quickly find a place to sit for a bit and let it calm. I had a friend during this time period who loved to just simply do...wasn't one would was wanting to just sit and watch a movie or hang out like that...and I had no issue with that as I was always up for doing things...until my back started to give me issues. Instead of simply telling this person what was going on with me I started pulling away and eventually that came to a head and we were just no longer friends anymore because I wasn't able to be there when they needed me. This one to this day haunts me and is one decision I made in my life that I dearly wish I could take back and have a do over with. But, I did what I always do and I have had to deal with the consequences of that. Similar to that, I pulled away from, well, life in general the last few years because of how I was feeling mentally and physically. It is what I do for whatever reason, and I truly believe my lack of self confidence is the driving force in that. I don't believe that I am worthy of others help or time. To quote what was told to me over and over..."nobody wants to listen to you whine about your issues, that isn't very fun, they won't like you if you do that." I don't have the exact quote on that, but it is the jist. Thing is, yeah, if you are constantly Mr. Downer, then that will get old, but if you simply lean on your friends or family when you need to once in a while, that shouldn't be the case. So, I have usually just cut and run and suffered in silence.

One more reason that I have cut and run from people is when I feel they are/have pulled away from me. When I start to feel like I am the only one talking I will pull away because I feel like they are done with me, they have had enough, no longer want to be around the fool that is Shawn...can this guy just simply get the hint and go away? Yes, he can, and so I do. Again, that old self worth and self confidence bug coming up and biting me. Why would anyone want to be friends with me, I have nothing to give them, nothing to offer. Again, the voices in my head telling me "they aren't really your friends, they are pretending, it is easier for them that way." I think this one I will always in some way struggle with. When I start to feel like I have been the only one starting conversations my natural instinct after a period of time, is to simply just pull away because I feel stupid, I feel like I am bothering people. Then more time goes by and more time and it gets to a point where so much time has passed you don't feel like you can talk to them any longer. I am not sure how to remedy this one in my mind. I do believe, and I am so not saying this as a call out to anyone, but I believe that society has evolved to where we do not communicate with each other like we used to. That is hard for me to deal with because I love talking to others, always have and always will, so not sure how this one will sort itself out.

I don't like this part of me and this has been added to the ever growing list of things I need to deal with and get better at. The thing is, it is a tough balancing act. When you confront some people with things they have done or said or how they just generally can come off, you risk them smearing you to others and those people siding with them, and so you go from losing one person in your life to losing many. That sucks.

So yeah, not only is anxiety a bitch, but self confidence is her ugly twin. I have struggled with it my entire life and given my situation right now, it is not getting any easier to have it as I feel pretty useless most days not being able to do certain things for myself. I am at least trying these days to make myself more available, meaning, if you feel I have pulled away and you are not sure why, simply ask and I will try my best to explain why, even if I feel like it might end poorly, I have to stop being afraid of that and state how I feel, or how somebody else has made me feel. A never ending evolving state of me.

[jujujournal]

FW4?

On to more tough realizations - if I am completely honest I do sometimes miss having someone present. I talk to my pets like they are human. They listen, perhaps without comprehending the words, but they do seem to understand emotion. Most people seem to have trouble with both of those categories so at least the dogs have mastered one of them. Anyway, yes, there are days that coming home and just quietly snuggling up with someone and a nice cup of tea, or whatever, sounds very fulfilling. Do I miss it enough to settle? Do I miss it enough to compromise? No. And therefor I realize it is most likely just another dream that may not be attainable. Again, I am content with this. I am not one of those people who believes that you can ‘have it all’. Sometimes we must choose the things that are most important. Now before you argue and say yes, I can have it all - let me offer a dramatic yet overly simplified example of why you cannot. What if I said I wanted a home in the California from which I could watch the sun rise and set over the ocean? Friendship. I have learned that I give more than I receive. I don’t mean physical gifts. I mean people call me with all their problems (remember I said I’m a good listener) but if I express a problem, concern, life altering decision I am facing, I have found that these friends always move the conversation back to themselves - if they were even listening enough to comprehend what I am saying to being with. Likely my own fault as I don’t reach out to build friendships - just taking whatever comes along and offers itself up. This is in part, large part, because I truly feel that I do not have enough in common with most people to develop long term friendships. Maybe part of that is being part of the so called GenX. What say you? Then look for friends in my age group? I feel like there are some basic commonalities than help make relatable friends. Musical tastes, interests, relationship status, and even political/religious affiliations. I recently was having a bit of a personal crisis. I was emotionally depleted and second guessing my life/career choices. When I reached out to my so called friend they glanced over my situation and went back to telling me about their current dating issues. That is exactly how I find friendships to go. There are also the friends you only hear from when they need something. I will help, but I will also remember that this is the only time I hear from you. I am a million percent aware that people have psychological  and emotional health issues, addiction issues, etc that they have to deal with. I have zero tolerance however for nonstop negativity. I also can’t ride the “on and off the clean and sober wagon”. This is true in all forms of relationship for me. Is it fair? No, probably not, but this is part of the reason the subtitle on this rambling is called The Ugly Truth. I know for a fact I am not necessarily a wonderful person but I am honest about my faults. I also can’t bear people who apologize for something but then do nothing to change. Are you sorry or are you just sorry that you’re being seen in a less than positive light? A while back someone who had taken a great deal of money that should have been divided with two other people offered to invest some of what was left of that money  - the money that wasn’t theirs to begin with - in one of the other persons business idea - and then blamed the person who declined for hurting their feelings. I was that person. I declined the money and stated that I didn’t agree with them having the money to begin with. I am the bad guy in this scenario. What they did was wrong. I will not say it was ok just to get a payout. I try very hard not to be a hypocrite and I can’t imagine doing anything much more hypocritical than taking that money. The remainder of that money should be given to myself and the other person who should have received it to being with. Right the wrong, don’t try to capitalize on it.

[taeyamayang]

Hey hey hey! Sorry for the late reply but I FINALLY WROTE SOMETHING!! literally when you @‘d me the Ray Bradbury quote I was like “welp that’ll do it” and finished the kuroo Drabble. It’s def not my fav but it’s a start! After I wrote that I wrote a Yams story that was originally gonna be a part of a different series that I scrapped. But I really like the idea so I made it a one-shot. I really like it and am proud of it!! I just hope by the time you read this someone else besides me has read it 😅. I don’t Necessarily want it to blow up or anything but starting out as a fanfic writer is hard. How did you do it?

About the books thing growing up I lived with my grandparents and wasn’t really connected to the internet like kids my age were until like 8 (which is still v young but I grew up kinda fast so 8 was like 13 to me I guess) so I just read a lot cause we didn’t have much to do (and talking to people was hard- so books it was) besides watch the same old movies on VHS and play with Polly pockets. A lot of my toys were my aunts who was like a decade older than me as well. All of that was some of the reasons I identified a lot with the gen before me and I remember talking with my (other) aunt whose like nine years older and her friend reminiscing about when they were kids and I was like “ahh I remember those” and she’s like gIRL HOW U WERE LIKE TWO😭 fanfic has ruined actual books for me. Not saying fanfic is way better, and I still like to read actual books, but why get invested in all these new characters when you can read about the ones you already know and love? And plus it’s more convenient then actually carrying a book around.

OOH REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU HOW I ALWAYS GET HIT WITH BALLS AND YOU WERE LIKE HEY THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD FANFIC IDEA? well that’s not exactly how it happened but guess what! I’m writting it! I have 630 words down so far so I know it’s at least gonna hit the 1000 mark at the rate I’m going. I’m so excited for you to read it!! Also I may take you up on the editing or what’s it called Beta reading? Where people read it over and give the ok to post? I was gonna do that with the Yams one shot but I was too excited! I will absolutely keep u in mind tho, thank you!!!

And for the thing about the schools and the pillows…I CANT BELIEVE I WAS RIGHT WHAT THE FUCK??? that is so wild to me omg. Also American tv is fucking weird when it comes to sex. Like when I was in high school only a few people had sex and it wasn’t a big deal? I mean I was very introverted and wasn’t popular so I might not be the best resource but still. Maybe it’s a newer thing not to care as much about sex with a more body positive gen or wherever but I don’t really think peer pressure or anything was a big deal. Honestly? Peer pressure in general barely exists anymore. Adults were always like “say no to peer pressure” when it was just one guy offering weed or whatever and a person saying nah and that was IT. I think there was more pressure in feeling left out if anything. The media is so weird portraying teens but we gotta remember- these are old people writting and producing these shows. They also get paid to make it dramatic and not realistic.

I hope everything worked out with your ex boyfriend/boyfriend! And I totally don’t think you are ranting and if you are, shot just call me a therapist LMAO. dating is so fucking messy. Everyone expects it to be certain kind of way and they get anxious when it’s not. People gotta learn that relationship differ for everyone and it’s ok to break up and move on when you feel like things aren’t working out! There doesn’t have to be hard feelings or anything either idk why society has to make breaking up so messy- I know it can be and things don’t always end well but they can end normally and you don’t need to feel bad about doing what’s best for both of y’all. Staying in a relationship that doesn’t feel right Is just bad for both parties. Then again, I’ve never really been in a relationship and I’m still a virgin because I’m demisexual and that strong connection is vital and I’m too fucking busy with my own shit to get that. But I think what I said still stands. Bruh I’ve been reading so much fanfic and while reading I’m like “wow this shit would never happen to me and my shy ass” bUT I STILL WANT A MEET CUTE!!! but I have to remember that I’m reading about anime men who are too good to be real LMAO. I have high standards ig. Finding a partner is gonna be fun. Also I know what you mean when you said being Intimate is hard because girls are taught to always say no to sex for multiple reasons. A. Religion and purity for being a female and slut shaming and B. R*pe and sexual assault. Like I listen to too many true crime stories! I know the statistics! And people just hook up with others??? Wtf??? Idk this might just be my demisexual ass but no thank youuuu

BRO I WISH I HAD SMALL FEET! THEY DONT MAKE CUTE SHOES FOR BIG ASS FEET LIKE MINEEEE. When I was a freshman I learned about how having small feet was attractive in china and how they would bind the feet of women to have small cute feet but I never heard of small feet being lucky. I did hear about big feet meaning big- uh I assume you know where I’m going with that.

I don’t read my journal that much cuz ig makes me wanna cry but I do read it when I feel particularly down. I still have contact with Kylie (I think I called her that- since i used fake names for them both) but we don’t talk much. Sadly I don’t have Daias number which makes me so sad cuz I miss her dearly.

Ok so the murder in my town was kinda on brand for it??? OK LEMME EXPLAIN. I live in an upper middle class town with good schools and such so a lot of wealthy families move here. Some areas of this town are more fancy than others (the farther away from downtown you are- i happen to live pretty close to downtown but ANYWAYS) even some big celebrities mentioned wanting to move here. my town has a pretty uppity spoiled reputation because of that. Like most of the crimes around here are from spoiled brats that get bored and do drugs or rob people. The culprit of this case was spoiled by his mother in every degree as a child and refused to be independent and when his mom cut him off he killed both of his parents and his one sister and her husband (bc the sister kept telling him and Their mom that he needs to get a life.) the sister and her husband live in the town over so technically it didn’t just happen in the town i live in (but!!! My old residental school was IN THAT TOWN! not the same area since they lived in the nice mansion part but still.) I also got lunch with my old teacher (the one with the books) and told her about the case and she original thought I was talking aBOUT A DIFFERENT MURDER! THAT HAPPENED EVEN CLOSER TO ME IN MY TOWN. she’s like “oh is it the case where the lady drowned her kids in the bathtub?” LIKE IM SORRY- WHAT??? she like “oh yeah it happened a lil while ago tho. The college bought the house and now they use it for administration or something since no one wanted to move there.” THIS IS THE SAME COLLEGE RIGHT DOWNTOWN!!! I PROBABLY WALKED PAST IT BEFORE WHEN I GOT LOST GETTING CUPCAKES. ok quick side note- my high school was downtown and we had free lunch where we can go off campus for food and I decided I wanted a cupcake from this cupcake place not that far from the school. Since I didn’t wanna be late I pulled up my old friend google maps to take me back the quickest way- THAT WAS A BAD IDEA!!!!! I ended up wayyyyy out of downtown and into this weird residental housing street soooo far away. I ended up calling my mom like “moooommmm…. I think I’m lost.” And she was like ???? “Aren’t u at school???” THEN I HAD TO SEND MY ADRESS AND SHE PICKED ME UP. I WAS SITTING ON THE SIDEWALK ALL ALONE AND SAD. I WAS LIKE 16!!! my mom wasn’t even mad LMAO. She just sighed and told me to get in. It was a good cupcake tho. ANYWAY BACK TO MURDER- apparently one of her students parents got murdered too or something like a decade ago… LET ME JUST RESTATE THAT I LIVE IN THE MOST PICKET FENCE UPPITY TOWN EVER. I know what I’m saying makes it look all shady but the town i live in is one of the safest towns in the country- let alone my state. It just goes to show a lot of shady things happen when you aren’t looking for them. A quick google search goes a looooong way if you know what I mean- hopefully that doesn’t scare you if it did I’m so sorryyyy lol.

I’ve heard a lot about some famous cases from Japan, like the one about the little girl that killed her classmate (THAT SOUNDS SO BAD OUT OF CONTEXT WTF) or the Kyoto Anime massacre and the Junko Furuta case. The last two are very interesting to me in different ways. The first because I’ve never heard of anything like that happening before and the outcome is very unique? If that is the right word and just different from other arson cases when it comes to the motive and even the aftermath is different, like the perpetrator being the first person to receive a full body artificial skin graft. And because Kyoto Animations is a very big anime company which produced movies and shows that I- a person so far away- has watched before. And the Junko Furuta case was one of the few cases that ever made me cry and stuck with me for a while (that makes me seem so cold blooded I just don’t cry often because when I do EVERYTHING comes out) - but it was some of the most gruesome shit I have ever heard. I feel like the way I’m mentioning them is kinda disrespectful but I don’t want to go into detail about them because A. It’s really depressing for a tumblr ask and B. I wouldn’t do the stories justice. You also probably know about them anyway since you also like true crime and live closer geographically but if not I heard both of these cases from the YouTuber I mentioned a few times before Elenor Neale. Junkos case is kind of similar to one that happened here about a girl named Sylvia Likens, just in terms of sheer brutality.

OK THATS ENOUGH MURDER! but I wish I lived closer to Japan, since my mom told me she’d take me there after I graduated at some point- but she needs to get on a smaller plane first since she’s never been on one and the first one she’s going on will not be the 14 hour flight to Japan. So now I’m kinda just waiting and saving up lol.

I believe you did tell me about hearing voices in your house! Very spooky indeed. One time in a different house, a doll appeared on my bed out of nowhere (apparently it was my aunts who gave me to Polly pockets so that part wasn’t that weird) but the doll had a gold necklace with a smiley face pendant with a big round nose. Everyone says they never seen it before and honestly? I believe them. I have no idea where it came from and I held it close to me (bc spooky things are cool) until my little sister got jealous and broke it smh.

OOOH IM SO EXCITED ABOUT YOUR STICKER BUSINESS!!! IT SOUNDS SO COOL! I don’t play Genshin myself but my best friend does so I know some things about it. Her fav character is childe so I know zhongli and how he’s a god of some sort that childe buys everything for. I know there is a best friend duo and one of them hunts ghosts (bc my bestie said they remind her of us) and i know that childe calls everyone comrade and he’s a fatui harbringer with a little brother who thinks he is a toy maker. Oh and pimon (I think is her name) is annoying and Klee is cute and makes bombs. Oh there’s also Ito who’s like an Oni that’s a himbo and Thoma (I like him a lot. He’s cute) with the lil doggo! Your Zhongli sticker is so cute!!!

I’m also glad you take time to chat with me!! It makes me so happy whenever I get these messages. I hope you like my writting! By the time you get this my bokuto fic should be out!!!

And here! Take some cat pics as a treat!

i'm back with a communicable brain. dude, would you believe that i am building a sleigh.. a freaking life sized santa sleigh for christmas?? it's for community competition and i was tasked to build a sleigh and 9 reindeers. ugh, it's fun but very tiring i might be able to show you the sleigh the next time i write to you.

i read feline antics and kuroo in your fic is canon!! omg lol and when you mentioned about yams fic i was like "wait...why is the fic not on my dash (considering that i have few mutuals/following)." then it turns out I DIDN'T FOLLOW YOU?? WHAT THE HECK i swear i thought i did last time i read feline antics but my pea brain forgot or thought i did (i'm very forgetful if you hadn't catch on yet. might as well name myself dori ffs) anyway, so i followed you and saw your yams fic and holy shit??? 6k?? DUDE 6K?? woah, i am so so proud of you because i remember you mentioned to me before that you couldn't write anything/one shots because you always tend to drop them off or left them unfinishes bUT 6K?? DAAAMN. i really like the way you portrayed yamaguchi's anxiety because it's raw, heartfelt in a way that i could feel his worries through your writing. i'm sorry if this entire paragraph is a commentary about your recent works gsmsbsns lol and about beta reading... ARE YOU SURE?? ME?? WHAT AM I?? kidding but i'm always down maybe we can talk over it on discord if you have one (i rarely open my dms here bc opening dms means opening notifications and if im not in the right mood to check notifs i tend to forget to reply to comments, ask games, etc. aghh you know that gsnsbs)

how i started out as a fic writer is not actually a plan lmao after watching haikyuu i reopened my dying tumblr blog bc i know that great artists thrive here so i wanted to check out artworks of haikyuu. then, i saw that a number of blogs writes for haikyuu and i was like "wow fics are still a thing here on tumblr, huh." then i tried writing my own and took my tendency to daydream about my fixations to my advantage. i love thinking about how these set of characters react to a situation (this prolly the reason why i took up psychology as a major lol i love observing people and their personality and behavior) then out of whim i posted. not really thinking of numbers or feedbacks, i posted bc i know that only a few people will get to see it so there are less judgments on me since i'm a beginner writer on this platform. then, as i kept posting more and more people came to my blog. and although now, i still am not a huge blog, it's always good to keep a mindset that you're writing for yourself (tho numbers are rewarding, we get that) and that the people who read your works doesn't know you. you can't be judged based on your writing bc that's just one side of who you are and it also comforts me to think that there people who genuinely enjoy my work. i'll be lying if i say that there are no times where my priorities lean towards writing for my audience. i did at one point but ended on a writer's block lol. if you keep it that way you'll end up burntout (this happened to me too before heh). so, in short, i started writing just because i can and i didn't really thought about the negative things people will think of me, i just did bc i enjoyed it. also, i think consistency plays a huge role in thisㅡnot only to keep people engaged but also to keep writing as a habit. if you make it a habit, your writing gets better and better. that's just based on my experience lol. alsooo tho one year of writing here is still a short-time, i have never encountered anyone calling me a shitty writer and to stop writing because my words are useless and childish LOL what i'm trying to say is worries about people judging you and your work doesn't happen often and if that ever happens, they're the problem, never yours. so yeah i keep that in mind too. AND if that ever happens to you, i'll be on the frontline defending you. leave the roasting to me lol.

about the tv shows and sex (i feel like i have to at least give a topic beforeni start a paragraph bc i reply SO LATE that i feel like you might have forgotten what we were talking about) i agree! it's more of the pressure of being left out. one is pressured to hangout after school because of the fear of not being included in a group. tho i was peer pressure to kiss someone in class for fun but i was like "uhm, nope!" so i made a petty (i think wise *wink*) excuse of going to the comfort room first before doing it but what i did was i went straight home without telling anyone. i am not doing that for their entertainment lol 💀and that's cool kids for you 💀

OH! ex boyfriend... uh.. it's a girlfriend 🤣 everything worked well so thanks! we broke up lmaooooo welp it's for the best. im onto finding a better match i guess lol bruuhh i get the strong connection but besides that i also want someone to balance me out. i'm literally just a speck of dust sometimes, you know floating and minding my own business aka my fixations and hobbies in life. kudos to you tho! you give spot on advice. i mean having zero experience is okay when you give out relationship advices bc to me i think that's a fresh perspective.

yeah, small feet are lucky. small faces are pretty. button noses are pretty. small curvy lips are pretty. everything has to be small to be lucky or pretty but eyes... IT HAS TO HUGE AND DOE-LIKE i swear to fucking god the beauty standard here is ridiculous tho people my age dont usuallu give a fuck about it lol but the older generations OH THEY DO but that doesnt matter we were taught to respect elders and their opinions (as part of our culture) but that doesn't mean we will up to their unrealistic expectations. oh just to mention to you! when i was a kid i was pretty active. i play outside a lot and i love ride my bicycle and do races with my friends. one time my aunt (my father's sister) warned me of not "playing too much" bc my calves will develop man like muscles and it's not a good for a girl to have calf muscles because if i wear a dress and heeled shoes it will show. i was i think 8 or 9 and i was like... sOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT so i went to my mom and told her about it and she was like "what?! she told you that?! that's an exaggeration! just keep cycling or running, don't mind her." (my mom doesnt really care about physical looks whereas my aunts-dad side CARE A LOT) they don't even like women wearing clothes that are too revealing so what i did was i wore a tube on a relative's birthday party. they cant call me out bc they know my dad doesnt care (he even buys me cropped tops) and my mom too. anyway, so yes small ankles and calves are a thing too. IT'S RIDICULOUS I SWEAR.

oh god the murders in your town?? THAT SOUNDS LIKE FROM AMERICAN HORROR STORY OR SMTH. is it not weird that the college bought where the murder took place? like if i were to study there i'll be thinking about it a lot... actually... that sounds a bit like my uni... not exactly my uni but the place where my uni sits. so my country was under a colony before (war times and all that) and the city where my uni is the main city where the locals and foreigners interacted during 1800s and since the woke locals are against the colonization, a lot of them were shot, killed, and thrown to the nearby river. and if you take a few strides from my uni there's like an underground tunnel recently discovered that turned into a tourist spot. it's downright creepy because the way down to the tunnel and the tunnel itself is sketchy tight, the way/tunnel leads to a huge boxed underground like a deadend. my friends and i went afterclass and when we reached the dead end we looked up and see like a railing(?) idk how to describe it but other tourists were shock that people are piling underground and they can see us. apparently, that hole used to be a prison for locals who fought for our freedom (and other criminals too) they were kept and stuck undergound, left them there to die (die of starvation and stuff). it was creepy bc i was literally standing where almost hundreds of people died and i didn't know. we only knew of it when we reached the dead end. as it turns out, there are many other tunnels with the same structure near the place. sooo yeah.

omg speaking of the two japanese murders you mentioned i dont know about them so ill check it out!! and about your cupcake incident OMG THATS SO CUTE WTH IM SORRY FOR LAUGHIN but i just think its adorable that you ended up lost for a good cupcake. cant blame you tho i loveee a good cupcake. where you able to get back in class without an earful?

ahhhh i live near japan but i can't fly there yet bc of school (but since i graduated who knows heh). you know how crazy asian schools are? yes, they're crazy. so my family and i barely have time to travel outside of the country without taking a week off from school. we traveled once before to two countries it was hongkong and vietnam but i had to file a one week leave (it was tedious with all the papers i have to submit and all that ugh) and thank god that one week is just school festival week so i didnt miss anything besides the fun. that was in elementary but came middle school and high school.. heckkk after class study sessions is real like the one in anime especially if you're a senior. i remember my mom's friend being a math teacher so every summer i go to their place to train my skills in math and i'm begging my mom not to drop me off to their place 💀 imagine spending summer solving math problems HA! still, i'm never the best in math lol

thanks for the wishes i hope to launch my sticker shop soon apparently i hae forgotten my skills on photoshop HA HA HA and i'm trying to recall my lessons on it BUT FUCKKK anyway you a lot for someone who doesnt play genshin if you ever plan on playing it soon let me know!! i would love to know (its funny how you mentioned almost all daddies of genshin bc saaaame ughh childe supreme sugardaddy and a meme)

here are some haikyuu stickers i made recently it isnt final yet butttt here have a look!

WHY ARE YOUR CATS SO PHOTOGENIC?? THEYRE ALL SO BEAUTIFUL AND SOOO CALMING TO LOOK AT!! THATS UNFAIR bc momo knows when a cam is pointed at her and she just runs away. and the huge pikachu too!! I WANT THAT AAAHHH

here have momo sitting on the sleigh im working on hehe

sorry for the long wait but i lovee writing to you whenever i receive a message from you i get all excited! you're a good communicator and thanks for waiting for my replies since i take eons to do so. i hope you keep writing!! i'll always be here to support a friend and a fellow writer. cheers!

[logankearns83]

Recover Your Broken Cardiovascular With Heart Touching Poems

Being in like is an incredible experience in by itself. Countless days and nights thinking about someone plus the moments you invest using them takes an individual in a planet which is significantly away from truth and seems just like heaven. Plenty of promises and responsibilities for spending lifespan together is a good essence that could never be neglected. Unfortunately, every one of the lovers are not therefore blessed; they possess to face the particular separation in the lead to of their like journey. Whatever the reason might be both the circumstances and also the misunderstandings, it seems like each of the happiness is going too much from their lifestyle. At that time one can feel that he should secure himself in a dark room in addition to keep on chatting with those remembrances. It feels like the whole world is laughing upon the separation regarding two hearts. Normally, those broken heart guys love to be able to read their previous chats, messages, plus letters again and again. No 1 knows why men and women do this while typically the fact is it's the power of phrases that take all of them to rewind almost all their memorable occasions and tears instantly comes out of their eyes. Planet witnessed that strength of word can transform an enemy in to a friend and vice-versa. Love poem include proved their substantial existence in typically the life of the particular broken heart fellas. read more have given beginning to popular poets. Every one involving them has their particular own love story and unforgettable reminiscences behind those terms of the poem. If you happen to be also among the ones that are not so blessed to be able to have your spouse together with you for life-time and one thing may go in your current favor at this particular time. Try to compose your feelings in the form of poem instead of sharing them together with all. Once people can show you compassion however they will not really listen to an individual again and again. And a time will come any time they might also hurt you by looking into making fun of your thoughts. Writing such poetry will not only give your heart a relief yet a writer may possibly come out of a person. With time it may well become your hobby which may enhance into strength. Although, it is . true zero one can forget their first take pleasure in. But, sooner or perhaps later people have to be able to overcome using this lethal experience. Keep in mind that, an individual are doing this specific for your individual benefit. Because when you will total one poem an individual will definitely think the need to write down the other. An individual may realize that different elements of your own pain come out and about of your cardiovascular - to start with may be pity after which regret but certainly a glimmer of hope will come someday. Just continue to keep on writing whichever bubble ups from the heart to the surface of your own mind. Always remember that time may be the biggest ointment that could definitely fade out those memories out of your life. No subject how far the person has moved away you may definitely learn to reside a happy existence. I am Sarika Kataria, a creative and innovative author. I love to write on love, relationship and other articles.

[anapologethicc]

:/

[1kook]

BORN SINNER III

→ MASTERLIST

summary; Regardless of whether you are a liar or not, that didn’t make it okay for Jungkook to lie to you. warnings; virgin jungkook, timid jungkook, church boy jk, a LOT of religious themes/discussion, catholic guilt, fear of sinning, mentions of masturbation, heavy doubts, a little paranoia/fear of being outcasted, jk has a crush, confessions, making out, boob lover jk has his boobs touched, groping/petting, light praise, very brief/light choking, jk is horny like 75% of the time, positive character development <3 rating; m (18+) wc; 9.5k

banner; as always, by @jamaisjoons​ !! ty ty ty!! <3333

notes; i have to apologize for delaying this update for so long. truth is, it was difficult to write the next part bc i felt like i had trapped myself in pt2-- jk wasn't showing ANY progress & i started to really hate his character. LUCKILY, with the help of my amazing editor n wife @kigurumu​ *audience cheers* i was able to put him back on the right track towards redemption! (& even more painful angst in the future!) sadly, that means that this part doesn't include any explicit smut, you'll see why. still, I'm very proud of how much i was able to build his character in this part and i hope you enjoy it!!! lemme know what u think <3

in the future, i will try my best to make sure the chapters aren’t so spaced out. again, i am so so sorry about taking so long to update this series

He gets your text the following Tuesday morning. 

Now, Jungkook has never been one to be overly invested in his cell phone; he uses it as much as he needs to, just checks his emails, takes some photos, and sends texts when necessary. But you had set up a particularly unique ringtone for yourself the other day, had sweetly asked for his phone as he laid against your chest. His skin had felt warm and the slightest bit sweaty, his body pressed so closely against you that he couldn’t tell where he ended and you began. “Did you have fun?” you asked, fingers combing back his hair. He had hummed, eyes fluttering shut to the faint tapping of your fingers across the keyboard. If he closes his eyes, he can still remember the soft beating of your heart beneath his ear, the leg you had hooked around his waist to pull him closer. The memory makes him shiver. 

It’s a high-pitched bell sound that alerts him of your messages now, completely unlike the classic default tone he had set for everyone else. 

From the other side of his room, Jungkook immediately pauses to look at it, the lit up screen glaring back at him from its idle place on his bedside table. He always leaves it there in the mornings, beside his rosary and the picture of his family, as he gets ready for work. 

He knows exactly who it’s from— after all, that’s what you wanted when you stylized your ringtone —which is why his hand trembles in excitement as he unlocks his phone. 

[❤️]: picnic tomorrow? 🥰

[❤️]: after my last class of course

Jungkook’s first thought is that this was a date, his first one with you since he had met you. His heartbeat hammers at the thought, at the mere suggestion that the two of you would be able to spend more time together this week outside of your usual weekend… acts. Additionally, if you’re asking him on a date, then surely it means you view Jungkook as a potential suitor, just as he does you? Do you want to maybe date Jungkook? Jungkook certainly wants to date you— in fact, if he starts gathering his courage now, he might be able to properly ask you out tomorrow. 

Jungkook’s second thought is of that guilty, gross feeling that’s been gnawing at his insides for three days now, and how it was inevitably going to get worse when he saw you again. 

He had lied to you, Jungkook recalls, sinking down against his mattress, shirt half buttoned, as he stares at the screen. He had lied to your face during a critical moment, had felt that seed of doubt in his chest blossom more than ever. And not only had Jungkook lied to you, but he had lied to you about his feelings toward you. How could he ever hope to hold you close, to date you, when he couldn’t even be honest with you?

The memory of your curious gaze presents itself at the forefront of his mind, the soft sound of your laughter ringing in his ears. 

You had been so sweet to him despite his blunder, had cupped his face and kissed him on the lips when he dropped you off outside your apartment. “Not today,” you crooned, unbuckling yourself as Jungkook’s eyes trailed over your throat— ignoring your cross —and down your chest. “I have schoolwork to catch up on. But soon, okay?” Another sweet peck had left him trailing after your touch, your finger bopping the tip of his nose playfully. “Call me when you get home.”

And because he was so terribly, irrevocably smitten with you, Jungkook had done as you said and called you. He’d called you and then had whimpered against his sheets as you generously talked him through another sinful deed. You had softly sighed his name over the line, told him he was handsome and that you missed him. That you wanted him in your mouth—

And of course, he had felt… something afterwards. 

This is where his dilemma begins: Jungkook had felt something afterwards, and he’s not sure if it had been entirely good or bad. The longer Jungkook stays around you, hangs out with you, does things with you— the more he can feel parts inside of himself change. Because after the phone call, Jungkook had felt two distinct emotions within himself, both of which were up for questioning. 

First, there was that one feeling he was becoming all too familiar with, the crushing guilt that would consume him following any sexual interaction with you or himself for that matter. Why was he like this? Why did he indulge himself in such heinous pleasures when he knew, knew better than anyone, what committing such acts meant for the future of his soul? He was practically dooming himself the way he was now, but Jungkook just didn’t understand— why did something so bad feel so good?

But alongside that gnawing guilt was this tiny, weirdly pleasant satisfaction, a gratification that superseded the relief felt by an orgasm. It was this oddly serene feeling that settled over Jungkook in the moments following a climax, the soft brush of your hands through his hair, the low lilt of your voice. They made him feel like he was floating on the softest of clouds, kissed and pampered by its wispy tendrils. It made something inside of Jungkook feel different, new. Good. 

(In the back of his mind, Jungkook realizes he’s always felt that way. At the height of his pleasure, at the faintest brush of your hands against his. It was a staple of your presence, one that made Jungkook feel like he was walking on air.)

From whatever angle he looked at it, it just didn’t make sense. They were contrasting emotions; while one made him feel godawful, the other one practically made him transcend. The fact they could coincide, exist all at once, had Jungkook’s brain folding in on itself as he tried to figure out why. They kept him up the last few nights, eyes blankly staring up at his ceiling following his evening prayers. Mulling over everything he’s ever learned and been told, always circling it back to your beautiful presence in his life. 

He knows sex in itself is not bad— after all, that was how the beautiful process of life came to be —but years upon years of studying his religion, cultivating his faith, had all led him to the same conclusion: premarital sex was wrong. And for the past few weeks, well. That’s all Jungkook had been doing with you. 

It seems like every time you meet, you’re dead set on pleasuring him, turning Jungkook into a shivering, teary-eyed mess while you grinned from above. That confused him too— as far as Jungkook knew, the whole point of sex was to chase after your own pleasure, something you admittedly did not do. It was always Jungkook’s pleasure, Jungkook’s enjoyment that you wanted, covering him in languid kisses and long caresses until he was inevitably shooting his hot cum all over your lap and into your hands. 

You had told him it was okay, that he should never feel bad for enjoying himself. But, to return back to his original dilemma, he doesn’t quite know if he can trust your word. 

You’re a liar, that much Jungkook can look past his rose-tinted glasses to admit. While you may not have lied to him (or at least, Jungkook wants to believe you haven’t), the fact still stands that you are quite willing to deceive others in order to get what you want. He already knows you aren’t the biggest believer of the Church yourself, that you frequently brush off your religious duties in order to fulfill your own desires— the aforementioned sexual cravings probably the biggest one —so, quite frankly, Jungkook is untrusting of the rest of your practices. Were you lying to him, telling him all was well, just for your own benefit? Just because you wanted to drag him along on your lustful adventures? He wasn’t sure, and as much as he wanted to trust you wouldn’t, there’s a shred of doubt that plagues him. 

But still. 

Regardless of whether you are a liar or not, that didn’t make it okay for Jungkook to lie to you.

He taps his phone against his chin, brain a frenzied mess. 

If Jungkook really wanted to pursue this relationship with you, he needed to be honest with himself and with you. Did it bother him that you were so flippant with the Church, the one he himself feels so devoted to? Yes and no. Jungkook has never been one to impress his beliefs on others, and truthfully, he would not be the slightest bit bothered if you don’t believe in the same things he does. Would there be some awkwardness in your relationship? Certainly, but at least Jungkook would know the real you from the very beginning. 

But to him, posing as an avid follower when you really aren’t rubs part of him the wrong way. He’s slightly put off by that aspect of you, and justifiably felt that anyone would feel such a way if someone were to use something they love as mere leverage for their own personal gain. And to make matters worse, now that he’s been made aware, it weighs down heavily on his conscience. 

Part of Jungkook, as selfish as it may be, wishes you had never revealed your secrets to him. He may have been left in the dark a total fool, but at the very least he would have been a happy fool. Would he still feel guilt about all the sexual deeds he’s partaken in with you? Sure, but at least he would only have himself to blame. The way things are now, he’s unsure who really needs to be condemned. 

Realistically, it is Jungkook’s fault. He knows how you are and even more, he knows you would never proposition him for any such sexual deed if he told you no, if he simply denied you. But he doesn’t tell you no, and that’s the problem: Jungkook really likes you as you are now, questionable behavior be damned. He likes you when you make him cry and when you pinch his cheeks and when you snake your hand down his pants. 

He still thinks you’re amazing, gets this fluttery feeling when you look at him with that sparkling gaze of yours. Your laughter makes him smile, even if you’re not laughing at something he said, because the sound is just so comforting, warm and soothing, makes his entire body relax when you chuckle. You have this gentle touch, these delicate hands that carefully comb his hair back for him in the car sometimes, tracing the side of his face softly. Your smile makes him dizzy, makes him want to cup your face in his hands and kiss you breathless. And, of course, he can’t complain about your… other talents when he’s only been on the beneficial receiving end of said talents. That aforementioned satisfaction, as small as it may be and as difficult as it was to admit to, was something Jungkook has begun to look forward to on the occasions that you meet. 

But his inability to overlook his own beliefs and your confusing nature brings about a great strife within Jungkook. It’s the reason he hesitates outside the church after dropping you off, his car running as he glares at his steering wheel. Everything in him says to go inside and confess to his sins, relieve himself of this overwhelming sense of guilt and shame to the closest person to his Lord. 

But he’s scared. 

Scared that, despite the oath of confidentiality, word will get out. His fellow brothers in faith will hear about what he’s done and call him out for his lecherousness. But even worse, he’s scared of what will happen to you. Would Jungkook’s life be over if he were thrown out of his beloved church? As dramatic as he may be, no. But he recognized that there were different standards to which men were held in this society, that an act of desire by him would not ruin his name the same way it would you. 

And Jungkook didn’t want that. He wanted to keep you safe. Wanted you to be happy and smiling, regardless of how conflicted it made him, because he likes you. He likes you so much, despite the fact he has yet to uncover the true extent of your character. 

But the cloud of mystery is partially what intrigues him, has him pondering over your very existence instead of getting ready for work as he is now. He’s terribly enamored, thinks about you and prays for you every night. So maybe Jungkook is still the fool, because he still daydreams about you when he knows he shouldn’t. 

His phone buzzes in his hand—

[❤️]: i miss you bunny ☹️

—and his decision is made. 

Tuesday passes by in a blur and before he knows it, it’s Wednesday afternoon and you’re texting him the location of one of the parks in the city. You had told him not to worry about the food because you would bring it. Jungkook’s only job was bringing the picnic blanket, a huge checkered thing he had spent all morning rifling through three stores for. He wants to impress you, desperately so, that he’s even wearing a nicer outfit today, darker tones unlike his normal warm palette because he had heard a woman at his job say men look cooler in dark colors. 

Suffice to say, he sticks out like a sore thumb at the park, the stark black of his jeans contrasting with the vibrant green of the neatly cut grass. Jungkook has half the mind to feel self-conscious about it, but then you’re calling his name from a couple meters away and his breath leaves his lungs. 

“Hi,” you greet, the handle of your wicker basket held tightly between two hands; Jungkook rushes to relieve you of the weight. “Did you wait long?” you ask, rewarding his gentlemanly behavior with a chaste kiss against the corner of his mouth that kick-starts his heart back into action and has his face burning up. 

In all honesty, you have never dressed very modestly— not that you had to, nor that there was anything remotely wrong with that. Jungkook has spent many a mass service fighting the urge to glance down the front of your dresses and tops, ignoring the cleavage you liked to show off now and then. But apparently, what Jungkook had seen up until now was your version of dressing modestly. The dress you show up with today, an off day where there are no church ladies to impress and no unspoken dress codes to follow, makes his brain short circuit. The thin, thin, straps that hold it up giving him an all access view to the broad expanse of your shoulders and chest and collarbones and boobs—

“No!” Jungkook rushes to reassure you, fighting down the blush that threatens to travel further down his neck when you carefully straighten out the collar of his shirt for him. “I- I, um, just got here.” 

You beam at the news. “I bought cheesecake,” you tell him, looping your arm through his as you tug him along. “I hope it hasn’t melted yet!”

By the time the two of you settle at a suitable spot near the lake, the cheesecake hasn’t melted. It’s still cold and solid, tastes like heaven on Jungkook’s tongue, and you laugh when his eyes light up. You look gorgeous like this, nestled against the checkered picnic blanket with a glass bottle of sparkling water in your hand, sandals just beside the edge of the blanket. There’s the faint chime of a bicycle bell somewhere to his left and the chatter of birds as they flock over the pond. Wonderful sights that would normally take his breath away and make him marvel at their beauty, but when you smile at him so gingerly like that, all Jungkook can think about is you. 

He watches you slip a strawberry past your lips. “Tell me about yourself,” you hum, seemingly out of the blue, wiping the corner of your mouth with one careful finger. “Other than, like, church stuff,” you tease. 

As you lean forward for another one, Jungkook’s brain stutters for a moment, eyes focused on the curves of your boobs as they naturally follow the movements of your upper body until he’s dizzy. “Huh?” he says, and you snort. “Oh— me, right, yes um—“

“Your favorite color?” you suggest, tugging the skirt of your dress tighter around your legs. It’s not cold, but there’s a slight breeze that keeps rolling over the two of you, pushing your floral scent over Jungkook and fluttering through his hair. “Right now, all I know is that you like cheesecake because you ate three slices at the bazaar the other week,” you chuckle.

It’s such a basic question, the bare minimum of knowing a person. But when you look at Jungkook like that, blinking those long lashes at him, it makes him forget his answer. “Um… Red,” he murmurs, watching you tug off the stem of the strawberry in your hands. “And white.”

You nod, and then you’re stretching a hand outward to offer him the aforementioned strawberry. When he doesn’t open his mouth right away, you silently demonstrate first, until Jungkook is slowly parting his lips and accepting your strawberry. The flavor bursts on his tongue, sweet and sticky, coating the very tips of your fingers when you don’t pull away fast enough. Jungkook averts his gaze when you pop them between your own lips and suck them clean. 

“Red and white,” you repeat, unaware of the lustful images that flicker through Jungkook’s mind, the way his eyes unconsciously drop to the front of your dress, at the crevice between your breasts that he remembers oh so well, the tight suction around his cock as you— “They make pink, which is my favorite color.” He desperately clears his mind of the memories that flash before his eyes. 

It’s a pretty color, fit for a pretty girl. Jungkook keeps the thought to himself as he watches you sift through the contents of your basket. It’s the perfect compliment to give you, he knows it’d make you happy, but his valor disappears when you throw him a soft grin and he’s transported back to a more recent memory, the memory in the car instead. 

A bad influence, he had called you, had watched your eyes well up with an emotion he had never seen on you before. Sadness? Disappointment? Disgust? He wasn’t sure, all Jungkook could really remember was the acidity on your tongue when you had repeated the words back to him, the ghost of your touch when you had abruptly pulled away from him, shut him out. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen you so closed off before, not even when he had first met you and you were parading around with that staged shyness. 

And even when Jungkook had corrected himself afterwards (read: lied to you to cover his tracks), the emotion had lingered. Even when you had playfully brushed him off, he had caught your reflection in the window beside you as he drove to your place. The sullen look on your normally happy face, lips down-turned, eyes lowered. A look he had put there. 

And now he’s watching you carefully rip apart bread to throw at the birds with a tender smile. A cloud moves and suddenly the sun is beating down on your little picnic again, casting a beautiful glow across your skin that renders him breathless for the shortest moment, trapped by the sheer beauty you exude. You’re absolutely ethereal, and yet he had questioned you. Your morals, your character, everything. 

“__?” he says before he can stop himself. 

You hum, “yes, bunny?” before pausing your little feeding task to glance back over at him. When you look at Jungkook like this, meet his gaze straight on, he doesn’t see an ounce of ingenuity in your eyes. It might be Jungkook’s lovesick heart speaking, but he can’t imagine you ever lying to him. He looks away first, frowning at the various fruits sprawled between the two of you. 

You care about him, that much Jungkook wants to believe. And his beliefs are confirmed, when your voice drops an octave lower, becomes softer, as you murmur, “is everything alright?” The fruits are carefully set aside, breaking the wall between the two of you until you can shuffle forward, your knees bumping against his. Hands reach for his, thumbs rubbing soothing circles against his skin. 

Before you can repeat your inquiry a second time, Jungkook finds himself asking, “do you like me?” 

Jungkook’s sudden inquiry makes your cheeks heat up just the slightest, your startled inhale barely contained. 

It’s like a scene straight out of a teenage romcom— a confession in a park, your hearts bared for each other. But it’s a little awkward, you have to admit, unintentionally giving Jungkook’s soft hand a nervous squeeze as his question rolls over in your mind. 

Duh, you want to say. But there’s something about the look in Jungkook’s eye— the eyes he very purposefully turns towards your hands, the hair he had let loose today providing him ample protection from your gaze —that has you pausing, carefully considering your next words. 

You had hoped by now that it was obvious, that Jungkook understood how much he meant to you, and didn’t require some dorky confession in the park. Partially because, well. This wasn’t your usual role. Usually, it was the guy confessing to you, raving about all your redeeming qualities in an effort to win you over. But with Jungkook, all you know about relationships is flipped upside down, forcing you to play a position you’ve never played before. 

Jungkook wasn’t like you; he was soft and sentimental, practically wore his heart on his sleeve for the whole world to see. And it was a massive heart, filled with so much love and adoration for the world around him, that you felt bad when he wore such sullen expressions on his face.

Expressions like the one he has now, lips pressed together tightly as he misreads your silence. He has honest eyes, a dark toffee color that sends tingles down your spine when he looks your way. They glimmer with a sort of innocence for the world, a thin sparkle that makes him look like a prince sometimes. He was devastatingly handsome, and now he was upset. “Um— it’s okay,” he stammers, trying to move the conversation along. But his eyes flicker around nervously, anxiously. Like your silence has left a burn mark on him, painful and delicate to the touch. 

His comment isn’t completely unexpected. How very on-brand for big-hearted Jungkook to try to save you from an uncomfortable interaction, even if it was caused by him. “Um…” he murmurs, “it’s okay. If you don’t, uh. Like me?”

It sounds flimsy, even to you. 

“No, no,” you rush to correct, your ability to speak slowly coming back to you only after the fact. “I do,” you admit, nerves on edge at this rather foreign situation. “I… like you a lot, Jungkook.”

You shouldn’t be surprised by his reaction. Jungkook blinks slowly, like his brain is still processing the information, and then, ever so artfully, goes up in metaphorical flames. “O- Oh,” he stutters, reaching a free hand up to press his knuckles against his face. The rosy hue that had first blossomed over his cheeks has now started crawling down his neck now, up his ears. It’s terribly endearing. “I— um. I didn’t know,” Jungkook rambles, and it’s so cute, so sweet, how a simple confession from you renders him this flustered.

His face emanates a warmth tangible even on your own skin, lips cutely quirking to the side as he fights off a bashful smile and the raging blush your words bring about. It certainly is a sight to see. His hair tickles his eyebrow, swept out of its usually neat style, but it makes him look all the more gorgeous. “Cute,” you chuckle, feeling the slightest bit shy at such a warm response from Jungkook. You sit back, giving him the space he needs, and turn your attention up at the big blue sky instead. “Really? I thought it was obvious,” you hum.

Part of you actually feels really awkward; as you said before, everything is so brand new with him.  With Jungkook, he flips everything around for you, makes you actually admit to your emotions as opposed to simply going along with his. It’s a nice change of pace, as difficult as it may be, and the results are rather… cute as well. (He bites down a smile, but the action makes his normally soft cheeks look more pronounced than usual.) 

“Because, I, um. Me too,” he says, voice wavering. He clears his throat and tries to meet your gaze under his fringe, but doesn’t last more than a second before he’s pointedly glancing at the picnic blanket beneath the two of you. “I’m— I like you too,” he admits, ears tinted a bright red. You figured as much but it was always nice to hear, especially from someone like Jungkook. “A lot.”

“Thanks,” you smile, placing a hand on his thigh. 

His lips pull into a shy smile, aimed at your knees because he can never look you in the eye when you shower him in praise and other gooey, mushy feelings. It’s the same in the car or against your front door— he always manages to give your hand a tight squeeze, maybe even a kiss if he’s feeling brave. But the second you try to tell him you’ve had fun or that you’ll miss him, it’s like all his courage fades away, leaving him a blushing, smiley mess.

He was cute like that. Despite being so kind and caring, it was like Jungkook’s entire being stopped functioning when those types of gestures were aimed at him. So you relished those moments, looked forward to them with a fluttery feeling in your heart that couldn’t be tamed. 

Today, he throws you for a loop. Just as that proud, giddy smile appears, cheeks and ears a pretty pink, it fades away. The excitement from your mutual confessions seems to remind Jungkook of something else, something less warm, that has him quietly mumbling, “I’m sorry.” 

It’s confusing, to say the least. Just a moment prior, he had been pursing his lips in a silly attempt to hold back a smile. Now he’s staring at the ground with a rather pensive look, his apology sitting heavy in his throat. “What for?” you tentatively ask after one long beat. It had been so sudden. In your mind, there isn’t a single reason for Jungkook to be apologizing to you, especially so out of the blue. There is, however, an inkling of fear brought upon by what can only be classified as insecurity; you had just confessed your feelings for each other, why was he sorry about that? 

Jungkook exhales, a quiet sound that is nearly lost among the bustling noises of the park. If you hadn’t been sitting so close, maybe you wouldn’t have heard it at all. “I just,” he huffs, pointedly glaring at some random spot of grass beside you. His features look sharper than ever now, jawline defined, brows narrowed together. It’s a rather misplaced realization, but Jungkook looks absolutely gorgeous with distress painting his face. “I was… being selfish before.”

In the few weeks you’ve known him, you’ve come to realize Jungkook was many things. First and foremost, he’s an absolute gentleman. Raised on manners and compassion, looking after others everywhere he went. He was caring and sweet, loved this world and the people in it so much. Soft-spoken but straightforward. He was dreamy, disgustingly so. 

But selfish? It definitely sounds like something Jeon Jungkook is not. 

Before you can interrogate him even further, it seems like Jungkook is dead set on getting through this alone. “I- I’m sorry,” he repeats, eyes downcast. Noticing his wavering confidence, you resign yourself to listening, hand giving him a reassuring squeeze. Finally, after a short moment, Jungkook murmurs, “...in the car.” You tilt your head to the side curiously, waiting for him to go on. “I said, um. Something rude.” 

It takes a moment for the memory to load, and when it finally clicks into place and begins rolling, you find yourself muttering a faint, “ah.” 

If it’s what you think it is, he’s talking about last weekend outside of the church. That terribly awkward encounter that had left a sour taste in your mouth afterwards. A bad influence, you recall him saying, the memory of his voice looped in your mind the entire drive to your place. 

In all honesty, it had stung a little. While you were aware that Jungkook had an ongoing mental battle, you hadn’t realized your role was that big in it. It’s the reason you had sent him home that day, made up a lie about schoolwork just to give him some space. It’s nothing new, everyone’s had someone think badly of them before; gossipy classmates, rivals, maybe even random strangers on the street. But it felt different when it was coming from someone as sweet as Jungkook, so polite and righteous, who wouldn’t even hurt a fly. Like he was stating a fact, not an opinion. 

It was a slip-up on Jungkook’s end, that much you could tell. Because he had been frantic to correct himself afterwards, had looked at you with these fearful eyes, like one wrong move and you’d slip from between his hands. Luckily, you weren’t that sensitive— definitely not as sensitive as him, at least —and such a comment had been practically meaningless moments later. 

Still, in those few moments where it was meaningful (read: the short period it took for Jungkook to get home and call you, the words looping around your brain until the harsh ring of your cell phone finally interrupted), it had left you wondering. Have you been pushing him too far, asking for too much? The way you saw it, you always gave Jungkook room to object to any of your advances. You know he’s trapped in his thoughts more often than not, but you pay attention to him, you really do. You make sure to take his reactions into account, try to offer solutions where possible. But, for the briefest moment, all of those efforts had felt fruitless that day in the car. 

What you say next is not a complete lie; sure, Jungkook’s comment had hurt for a bit, but here he was now apologizing for it. That was a good sign… right? “It’s okay,” you brush off, patting his cheek softly, hoping with every fiber in your being that it really was okay.

Your voice is gentle, soothing his doubts. Just moments prior, Jungkook had felt like he was asking for too much, especially when your feelings toward him were up in the air. But your earnest confession soothed the ache in his heart. It’s all he’s wanted these past few months, to belong in your heart like you do his. 

But the guilt from before, the tumultuous feelings he’s been harboring towards you since the weekend, dampens his excitement. From your confession alone, it doesn’t seem like you questioned Jungkook. You weren’t put off by who he was, what he loved. So why couldn’t Jungkook be like you, think like you?

“I’m still sorry,” he says again, feeling like a broken record when he catches this sympathetic smile on your face. The scraps of eloquence he had gathered while originally apologizing seem to fade away, leave him a stuttering mess when he tries again. “That was— I shouldn’t have said—“

“Hey,” you cut off, placing a hand against his cheek. It stops his fidgeting, forces him to meet your gaze head on. There’s a smile on your face but something inside of Jungkook says it doesn’t feel real. “I like you, Jungkook.” 

And it’s true and genuine, your words so honest it pains him to think he had ever thought otherwise. And you’re still smiling, even after being hit with the implication that Jungkook questioned your character and maybe that’s what hurts the most. That you still try to put on an easygoing expression for him after he’s said something hurtful. It’s the car all over again, that blank look in your eyes when he had spoken carelessly. 

Before he can apologize for the umpteenth time, you’re shaking your head softly, smiling anew. But this time, he can’t tell if it’s real or not. “I brought orange juice,” you say, expertly moving the conversation along. And just as Jungkook has been thinking for weeks now, it’s like you know him so well. You know when things make him anxious or uncomfortable, know just how to help him out. 

There’s a feeling of guilt that blossoms in his chest, but this time it’s different. 

It’s not the usual sticky gross feeling of before, the one that has him staying up at night repenting for all his wrongdoings. It’s a personal kind of guilt that comes along with the frank realization that, while you have been learning and adapting to being around Jungkook, he has not been doing the same for you. 

Though you may be a little playful at times, you don’t tease him for who he is, don’t stomp all over his beliefs as much as he deluded himself into thinking you do. (That whole, faux-believer thing was a different circumstance.) Like with the cross in his house the other day. As much as Jungkook wanted to believe what you had done was evil, he had, quite honestly, enjoyed himself afterwards. There wasn’t that heavy discomfort sitting on his chest anymore, that sense of shame lingering as you’d kissed his body and let him caress yours too, in the safety of your eyes only. It was enjoyable and fun, had felt exhilarating to be so intimate with you. 

And instead of being thankful for your mindful efforts, he had questioned your sincerity. 

The picnic goes by in a flash. Jungkook is sad he can’t enjoy it to the fullest, his brain filled with clamorous thoughts that circled around to torture him every few minutes. Still, the entire date feels like a dream, vibrant and beautiful, leaving him in a daze. He doesn’t want to wake up. 

By the time you suggest wrapping up, the sun is setting over the horizon, the windows and lights of the buildings around you slowly flickering to life like a sea of tiny stars. He feels weak in the knees as he helps you pack everything back in your basket. “All set,” you smile, walking beside him, knuckles brushing against his until you fulfill Jungkook’s wordless wish and slip your hand into his. 

Jungkook agrees, hoping his hand isn’t sweaty and that you mean what you say. “I- I liked the food,” he remembers to mention, the fact that you had so carefully and lovingly prepared all this not entirely lost on him. His compliment, as simple as it may be, has you beaming at him as you exit through the park’s front gates. His car is parked along the street, the sleek vehicle coming into view as you round the street corner, hands still fastened. “Um,” he mumbles, pausing beside it. You turn to face him, eyes clear and content. 

All good things come to an end, he supposes, reluctantly letting go of your hand when you tug. “I’ll see you soon, okay?” you say, stepping up close, chest pressed against his. His breath hitched in his throat, eyes going wide when you nuzzle against his neck. Your hands slip around his waist. They wrap around him perfectly, make Jungkook feel like he was made for you. 

By the time he’s springing into action, jerkily raising his free hand up to your back, you’re stepping away. “Call me when you get home,” you wink, sending shivers down his spine when he remembers what happened the last time you said that. 

But Jungkook doesn’t think he can wait that long. 

You’re slipping further and further away, fingertips just barely brushing against his forearm, when Jungkook jolts into action. “How are you, um—“ he stammers, feels too big for his shoes when you tilt your head curiously. And then, “d- do you need a ride?” he mumbles, cheeks warm. 

It’s a feeble attempt at asking what he really wants. Offering you a ride home, while not a bad idea considering it was late and you had taken the bus here, is nowhere near what Jungkook really wants. What he wants is standing before him, thin spaghetti strap slipping down their shoulder, eyes sensually half-lidded and you know this too— because, again, you know Jungkook so well, know what he wants even if he can’t say it —as you step into his bubble again, peer up at him with your arms held behind your back. 

“A ride home?” you ask, blinking your long lashes in a way that robs him of his breath. And he can see that switch flick on inside of you, watches that pure and innocent gleam in your eyes slowly become replaced with something mischievous. Jungkook nods dumbly. “I’d love that.”

Jungkook blinks. “Great,” he chokes out, neatly dropping the wicker basket in his hands. In a way, it brings him back down to reality, lets him snap away from your hypnotizing gaze as he reaches for the keys in his pocket. “Let me— I just have to— yeah,” he stammers, clicking the button on his car keys one too many times, has it perkily beeping. Your lips press together into an amused smile, the last thing Jungkook sees before ripping himself away from you and yanking the back door open. 

He nearly throws the basket in like a madman, glassware be damned. It’s his last shred of rationality that tells him not to, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on edge as he steps up to the edge of the sidewalk and carefully places it on the floor behind the passenger’s seat. 

When Jungkook rises back up, there is a hand that brushes against his forearm, a gentle touch that has him throwing a curious glance your way. He’s not expecting to be so entranced by the dreamy look in your eyes, feet glued to the ground as you trail your hand down, catching his wrist between your fingers. You’re standing so close, making Jungkook feel like he’s trapped between you and his own car. His entire body is on edge when you lean in, placing a soft kiss against the very corner of his mouth. It leaves a tingling sensation, and accompanied with the growing warmth beneath his skin, feels like he’s been burned. “I had fun,” you murmur, voice low. It sends a shock of electricity down his spine, a wave of exhilaration that has him fully turning to face you as you eventually step away, that same playful grin on your features again. 

A surge of confidence and greed overcomes him, has him stepping forward into your space despite the nervousness that builds within him. There’s a hint of surprise in your eyes that you quickly mask, placating his bumbling nerves with a delicate hand placed over his heart. He can’t breathe when you lean in, softly humming, “kiss me?” 

Jungkook’s lower lip wobbles. “O- Okay,” he concedes, voice but an airy whisper that is soon swallowed up. You taste like fruit and orange juice, remnants of your picnic clinging to your lips as you slowly consume Jungkook’s entire attention with this soft brush alone. It’s a rather short affair, one that ends all too soon when you pull away with a soft sigh against his lips. 

Your smile is so pretty when you angle it at him, has him taking one jerky step backwards. His back hits the car, feels trapped. But he isn’t scared, doesn’t find himself anxiously awaiting your next move. “Good boy,” you purr, reaching one graceful hand forward, playfully tugging at his tie, wrapping it around your knuckles as you use it as leverage to pull him close again. 

You’re just so pretty, Jungkook has always thought so. From the moment he first met you until now, there is something about you—a glint in your eyes, a quirk to your lips—that has had him under your spell for weeks now. 

Had Jungkook seriously despised you and your ethics, perhaps this feeling would have gone away. But the fact of the matter is that you make Jungkook’s heart hammer dangerously in his chest, a shot of adrenaline through his veins when you look at him with those low-lidded eyes, touch him with those experienced hands. He wants you so bad, even after all he’s learned, all he’s seen. He wants you over him and under him, pressed against him from head to toe. He wants and he wants, and he knows it’s bad to want so much, to be so greedy. But with you around, Jungkook finds himself giving into that greed, clutching at it like a lifeline. “We can, um—,” he stammers, placing one uncertain hand against the top of the door frame beside him. You raise your brows, egging him on yet patiently waiting all at once. 

Your gaze is so strong, and it’s in moments like these that Jungkook feels that feeling crawl up his throat. A serpentine gaze, a sticky sweet tongue. Everything he’s ever known says it’s wrong, but his heart and your confession says otherwise. He looks away, throws a bashful glance at the plush leather seats behind him. “In… inside?”  

And the offer has you positively beaming before him, that same flirtatious shimmer in your irises doubling at the words that roll off his tongue. “Oh my,” you swoon playfully, stepping back to, Jungkook assumes, allow him to get in. 

He plops down, feels like he would break out in a sweat if the evening temperature wasn’t so cool. The car’s interior blends into the shadows, his clothing practically indiscernible against the dark shade of the seats. A stark contrast to the pretty floral dress that suddenly spills itself over his lap when you climb in, the door tugged shut beside the two of you. All is silent, your thighs over his, hands on his shoulders. “Hi, bunny,” you murmur, lips pulled into a smirk, provocative yet playful, like you know something that Jungkook doesn’t. 

Jungkook’s throat feels dry but he still manages to gulp. He’s drowning in your perfume and your body lotion, in the faint smell of the outdoors clinging to your clothes and your hair, the absolutely heavenly scent of just you in your entirety. “Hi,” he whispers back, voice lost beneath the thundering of his heartbeat in his ears. And his quiet greeting is rewarded with two soft hands that crawl up his neck, cupping his face in their palms. 

“You were so sweet today,” you purr, nose nudging against his when you finally lean in, pressing your breasts against Jungkook. A tiny gasp catches in his throat, his hands instinctively going to your waist. “Can I kiss you again?” 

Jungkook has never wanted anything more. “Please,” he exhales, feeling like he’ll explode if you don’t kiss him soon. You take his request in stride, jut your face forward just the slightest bit until your mouth is pressed firmly against his, the movement of your lips a practiced rhythm that he just can’t seem to master. He still tries his best, puckers his lips when he feels it’s right, tilts his head when you urge him with a soft nudge. He tries his best and hopes it’s enough. 

By now, Jungkook has come to understand that there is a pattern to your kisses. You always start off slow and relaxed, mouth languidly moving against his as you lure him across a tightrope of anticipation. They gradually become more intense, pulling out whimpers and sighs from Jungkook that he had never known were possible. It’s a carefully crafted art form, the tongue that slides out from between your pillowy lips, dips into his own mouth with a giggly pant. “Good boy,” you hum in between, hands burying themselves in the hair at the nape of his neck. “Always so good.”

Jungkook shudders when you eventually part, can’t catch his breath fast enough before you’re reaching for the buttons on the front of his shirt, easily undoing the casual tie too. “Relax,” you tell him, bypassing his lips for the warm expanse of skin just below. You kiss over his chin, down his neck, as your hands crawl beneath his shirt and around his naked waist. 

He’s ticklish, and when you brush against his ribs, he unwillingly releases a sharp huff of laughter. It’s followed by a wide-eyed look of embarrassment, cheeks a warm hue when you lean back in surprise at this new bit of information. “I— sorry,” he blurts out, because he doesn’t know proper make-out etiquette, doesn’t know anything really, except what you’ve shown him. 

But the sound makes you snort, looking at him with this gaze that drips with honey. “So cute,” you tell him, placing a chaste kiss against his lips, before disappearing back down to lavish his throat with filthier kisses. And with you laving your tongue across his skin, biting at every inch available, Jungkook is left to fuzzily stare over the crystal clear windshield. He’s struck with the faint realization that if someone were to look hard enough, they would see him through the tinted glass as he fell apart into the hands of a pretty girl. 

The soft smack of your lips against his skin is sensual, makes every hair on his body stand stiff. Your lips trail down the column of his neck, placing a bruising kiss at the juncture where it meets the rest of his body. “Oh,” he sighs, eyelids fluttering when a hand squeezes at his chest, thumb against his nipple. 

Another muffled giggle pressed against the base of his neck, and when Jungkook focuses his eyes again, he catches his own gaze in the rearview mirror. 

The sight of him is… weird to say the least. 

Even in the dark, his lips look thoroughly debauched, puffier and redder than usual, slick with saliva that isn’t entirely his. He doesn’t tell himself to, but his mirrored counterpart peeks his tongue out, runs it along his top lip sinfully. Startled by his own appearance, Jungkook jolts in place, feeling you shift in his lap with a soft little whine. “Bunny,” you frown, and Jungkook watches your side profile in the tiny mirror as you sit back up, press your lips against his ear. “Sit still for me,” you tell him, hand slithering up his chest, around his throat. Over his Adam’s apple, squeezing just the slightest. It’s not tight, but it knocks the air out of his lungs when he sees the action mirrored back at him on the reflective surface. 

That familiar guilt sticks in his throat, evident when your hand slips away and he swallows harshly, the protrusion just beneath his skin bobbing up and down. 

In the back of Jungkook’s mind, he can recall the religious story that surrounded this bodily feature; a sin and the consequence. A garden and a fruit, a beautiful woman by his side. 

Your hand creeps down between your bodies, palming over his quickly fattening cock, and Jungkook swears he sees stars, a strained whimper escaping from his lips that you giggle at. “Oh my,” he huffs, clutching at the skirt of your dress. You nuzzle close again, pressing a tender kiss against the side of his neck. 

Your hands are so soft and sweet, brushing over his cock like you’re simply caressing him out of adoration and not because you want him to cum, staining his seats and your dress. Either way, Jungkook can’t even begin to imagine what you must be thinking; before the date and his confession, he had been afraid that you would discard him. Maybe Jungkook wasn’t what you wanted, maybe he wasn’t what you needed. You were so confident in yourself and your actions, a stark contrast to Jungkook and his constant uncertainty, his fear of doing the wrong thing plaguing him at all hours of the day. 

Even now, with your hands expertly tugging his zipper down, he finds himself going back to that story. That apple in the garden, the consequences it had hailed. Never mind the fact you’re on top of him, claiming to like him, with your hands touching every inch of his skin. He keeps looping back to that Biblical verse instead, thinks about it when your fingers meanly let the elastic band of his briefs snap against his skin. “Ouch,” he flinches, voice a soft whine. He turns too quickly and too suddenly, nose bumping against yours because you’re still so close. 

You smile, puckering your lips for the lightest of kisses. It’s the little things like that that make Jungkook’s entire thought process stall, distantly aware of the fact that it’s, like always, you leading the majority of your encounters once again. Even during your picnic, it had been you who had practically held his hand as you navigated through basic information, asked for his favorite color and his favorite drink. Had it not been for your own proactive tendencies, Jungkook fears he would have never known your favorite color was pink or your favorite day of the week was Thursday. 

It’s a fact that makes him pause, jaw tightening as he once again realizes how little effort he was putting into knowing you. For someone who claimed to like you a lot, he rarely did the work to prove it. Even now, he’s too unsure of who he is and who you are to indulge you properly, instead watching you lead the scene as usual. Before he can stop himself, a sigh is escaping his lips. 

It must convey his emotions perfectly, because it’s enough to make your wandering hands pause by his waist. “Everything okay?” you ask, always knowing what he’s feeling. And it sucks that he couldn’t say the same for himself. 

“N— Yes,” he rushes to say, looking up at you with round eyes, the moonlight painting half of your face a paler color than usual, the other side shrouded in darkness. It makes your eyes look darker, makes Jungkook gulp loudly when you turn those inquisitive eyes on him. 

His answer doesn’t seem to convince you, and it’s with little to no hesitation that you sit back. It puts a distance between the two of you that Jungkook can’t say he’s a fan of. “Jungkook,” you say, voice stern yet warm, one hand reaching up to brush your knuckles against his cheek. “Tell me what’s bothering you?” 

It makes Jungkook nervous. He knows he thinks too much. Part of him fears that oversharing with you will drive you away, put you even farther than you are now. Maybe next time it’ll be a room’s length away, a football field’s length away. And he doesn’t want that; he wants to hold you close, he really does. But there are traditions he carries and beliefs he holds dearly that make it hard for him to do so, as much as it pains him. 

The only reason he knows he’s frowning is because you press your pointer finger against the corner of his mouth. You lean in close, nose bumping against his. It sends your scent billowing over him, makes him dizzy when he becomes aware of the hand he’s got on your bare thigh, the rumpled skirt of your dress pushed away. “Talk to me, bunny,” you murmur. You don’t make a move to kiss him, a fact that Jungkook feels both grateful and disheartened by. “Please?”

And he can’t deny you, not when you ask so nicely. You have this metaphorical grip on Jungkook, a tight hold around his throat that has made him act impulsively these past few weeks, desperate to be with you, to please you. Even now, despite how much he wants to withhold his thoughts, he finds himself quietly admitting them instead. “I want to know you,” he mumbles, unable to meet your eye. You don’t push him to. “I really, um. I like you, __. A lot.” It’s a repetition of his earlier confession. And still, it makes him nervous. A thumb brushes against his cheekbone, encouraging him to meet your solemn gaze even if it means being a blushing mess afterwards. “Before we, uh, do… things.” 

His words may be choppy and incoherent, but you understand him all the same. “You want to go out some more,” you clarify, removing your hand from his cheek. The phantom trail of your fingertips on his skin remains, feels colder when you lean away to allow him some more space. 

Jungkook nods quickly, hoping this rush of adrenaline might help him through this. He bites down on his lower lip, carefully analyzing your expression for any signs of disbelief or disgust. But all he sees is understanding, a cool expression that makes Jungkook’s heart thunder. “I…,” he says, glancing down at where he’s still got his hand on your naked skin. Something inside of him tells him to rub his thumb across it, an action he doesn’t think through until he hears a sharp inhale, watches goosebumps rise over the skin. “I’m sorry,” he rushes out, snatching his hand away before he can do something else of a similar sort. “I- I just—“ said hand now waves around wildly beside him “—I really like you, as a, um— uh. A person. And I—“ and this is where he becomes aware of his unbuttoned shirt and the way you’ve got your pretty pussy pressed against his thigh now “—I, um. I want to know me— I mean, you —better? More? Like—“

His embarrassing babbling is cut off with a gentle kiss to his lips. No tongue, no saliva. Just soft lips against his, a delicate hand against his shoulders. When you pull away, Jungkook unconsciously trails after the touch, eyes half-lidded and in a daze when you place a palm on his chest. “I got it,” you say, lips quirking into a tiny smile. “I want to know more about you too, bunny,” you admit, reaching for the front of his shirt. He watches on with flushed cheeks as you slowly button it up for him, finishing it off with a playful tap against the underside of his chin. 

You glance out of the window thoughtfully. Jungkook is suddenly reminded of how pretty you are, your skin practically glimmering under the pale moonlight. It catches on your necklace, a thin chain with a cross on the end. If he focuses his eyes behind you, his own reflection stares back once more. Jungkook’s entire body threatens to lock up tightly, but a single kiss on the cheek from you interrupts the process. “Do you wanna date?” you ask, like it’s the easiest thing in the world. 

Jungkook can’t agree fast enough. “I— yes,” he gasps, leaning forward too suddenly. It makes you flinch back in surprise, back pressing up against the driver’s seat behind you in surprise. You wouldn’t have fallen or anything, but Jungkook reacts like it was a serious possibility anyway, grasping at your waist and pulling you snug against him, soft thighs sandwiching his tiny waist. “Oh, God,” he frets, immediately moving to release you. 

But you catch him with two arms thrown around his neck, pulling Jungkook close to you for another kiss. Deeper and… meaningful, your satiny lips carefully slotted against his. While it surprises him at first, Jungkook finds himself melting into it soon enough. This was okay, he tells himself, and for the first time in a few weeks, he finds himself believing it. 

It was just kissing— intimate yet appropriate kissing —between two people who were seeing each other. Him, properly seeing you. His heart threatens to burst out of its cage for a second. It’s the first time since he’s met you that he can fully say he hadn’t felt nervous about his actions, hadn’t felt like he was committing some grave sin for chasing after your touch. It was just a kiss, simple and sweet, making both of you smile bashfully when you eventually pull away. There was no lying and no guilt, no tears and no stress. 

It felt good.

Copyright © 2020, 1kook on tumblr. absolutely NO reposts allowed.

[glowingbadger]

Hi! Could you do SFW and NSFW relationship headcanons for Raphael and Hubert, please?

(P.S. I swear I sent this in a few weeks ago but you must not have gotten it. I am mortified at the chance I accidentally sent it to another blog!)

Your timing is incredible- your request was literally the next one on my list haha :3 So no worries, it got to the right place! I'm just still catching up a bit lol. Let's talk Raph and Hubie!

Raphael, Hubert x GN Reader

SFW (nsfw below the cut)

Raphael:

- Raphael is such an absolute sweetie as a boyfriend. He's very nurturing and just a healthy level of protective, but he also knows that he's not perfect and is willing to listen to you when you need something different from him, or just to vent. He's also endlessly uplifting, always instinctively looking on the bright side of things and eager to open up that sunny perspective to share with you.

- As we all know, the way to Raph's heart is through his stomach. If you're even a little skilled in the kitchen, you've got an easy in to spending time with him whenever you like. If you're not much of a cook, he's happy to be a taste-tester until you've got it figured out. Though it's not like his palette is incredibly refined, so you might not get the most nuanced feedback.

- It is essential that you meet his little sister's approval- it's practically like courting a single father. Her happiness is his utmost priority, so one day when she mentions off hand that she can't wait for you all to spend time together again, he practically starts tearing up and warmth fills his chest. Knowing that you get along with the other most important person in his life just reaffirms his affections for you a thousand fold.

- His idea of a date pretty much always involves food, and with his energetic and warm personality, those kinds of dates are easy to enjoy. If you suggest other ideas though, while he might not be sure it's his "thing" at first, he'll quickly find something to get excited about and invested in. Besides, when he's with you, he has a hard time caring about anything but watching you just be your wonderful self, all with a wide, goofy smile on his face.

Hubert:

- Hubert quietly dotes on you. His love language is absolutely acts of service. This is largely because he finds it so hard to believe- practically disorienting- that you'd want to be with him of all people. As such, he does everything in his power to ensure that you're provided for. You may not even realize the lengths he's willing to go to for some time, as he has a habit of doing helpful or sweet things for you without your knowledge. Maybe it takes a vaguely threatening "chat" with some disrespectful knave who's been trying to get your attention, or perhaps there's a tear in your favorite shirt that he has sent to be repaired without ever mentioning it. Hubert doesn't seek praise- only your happiness.

- that said... He does absolutely melt when you do praise or compliment him. He does his best to appear stoic, but his face turns bright red when you tell him how lucky you are to be with someone so considerate and conscientious. Funnily, when he's riding high on his adoration for you (whatever you would call Hubert's version of feeling warm and fuzzy), not much changes other than that he's less conversational, appearing exceptionally introspective. The truth is just that he can't stop thinking of you and this bizarre feeling you've nurtured in him.

- he will NEVER admit this and will strike fear into the soul of any who would suggest it- but when others give him romantic advice, he does take note. When Edelgard suggests he have flowers sent to you for no particular reason, or Ferdinand recommends he take you riding through the countryside on a particularly lovely day, he does consider them and possibly even follow through.

- listen. The first time Hubert returns to his quarters from a late night "mission" to see you waiting up for him, struggling to stay awake to greet him and make sure he's okay, he's just... A puddle. He holds you so close and so tight, resting his face in your hair without a word. He's simply so overwhelmed that he should ever be so fortunate as to be welcomed home by someone he loves.

NSFW 18+ v

Raphael:

- Raph is a Big Boy and a Strong Boy, and those two facts are never more relevant than when things start getting heated. He's had one or two prior sexual partners (people from his hometown who came onto him- he enjoyed it well enough, but he's WAY more into it after falling for you), so he generally knows what he's doing, but likes a bit of guidance. He worries a lot about hurting you, but also enjoys showing off his strength and stamina for you- so letting you set the pace tends to work best overall.

- He openly loves it when you compliment his muscles and physique, reminding him of just how big and strong he is compared to you and how easily he lifts and positions you. Hearing it from your lips energizes him and makes him more determined than ever to pleasure you and take care of any and all of your needs. He's a bit clumsy about some of the finer operations involved- but honestly, sometimes it's hot enough just to feel his large and powerful fingers spreading you open. It's hard to lament his lack of dexterity when he can so easily fill you and reach your every sensitive spot at once.

- He's really not much one for power-play, or any kind of spicy roleplay. He simply doesn't see the point. Raphael would always rather just tell you openly how amazing and gorgeous you are as you ride his big, thick cock. You're so small even when you're above him, and he can't help wanting to hold you as your stretched out little hole takes him again and again.

- Raphael can resist cumming for a long time for the privilege of getting to fuck as many orgasms out of you as possible. He's got some impressive stamina. He'll lift and reposition you several times, then very carefully ease his huge member back into you, giving you plenty of time to acclimate to him filling you up from a new angle. There's no question that you'll be satisfied by the time he finally cums- but once he's done, he's done. Raphael cums hard, and a good volume, and once he's ridden out his climax, all he wants is to cuddle you on his broad chest and maybe share a snack, then drift off for a nap together.

Hubert:

- I've talked about some general spicy ideas for Hubie before in the past, so definitely check my masterlist for those (I love this miserable bastard so fucking much-). Overall, I see him as a classic, domineering Dom in the bedroom. Hubert needs a certain level of control over everything in his life to feel even a little at-ease, and intimacy is no exception. It won't take long into a relationship with him for it to become clear that he's happiest and most satisfied when you're a good, docile little pet for him.

- It's not extremely obvious at first, but Hubert's body is very sensitive and very touch-shy, simply due to lack of exposure. He's had a few sexual partners, though largely for pragmatic, political purposes, so the experience of being with you and wanting so badly to be truly intimate with you is completely new to him. Add this to the fact that, at his core, he still believes you deserve so much better than he could ever give you in all things, and you've got yourself a complex over-thinker in your bed. This is part of why dominating you is so soothing to him. When you're his personal needy kitten, he can direct you as he pleases, catering your treatment to his comfort level.

- Hubert gets very invested in the finer details of your submission. He takes great care to select a collar custom made for you, and will manage everything from your posture to your line of sight to when you're allowed to cum. He does not suffer brats; misbehaving will result in literal hours of punishment, and you're lucky if it only amounts to spanking. He's much more likely to tie you, or even magically restrain you on his bed completely exposed (or in a shamefully erotic outfit) and tease your clit/head of your cock until tears wet your eyes and you beg him to be allowed to cum.

- That all said, if you're a very, very good pet for him- or if you're someone a bit more shy or anxious in bed, he is capable of being a very soft and caring Dom. This even surprises him, but he can't help brushing a gloved hand to your cheek as you take his cock into your pretty lips, and he murmurs, "That's right, my dearest, just like that. You're doing wonderfully- just a little longer for me and I swear that I'll satisfy you."

[the-insomniac-emporium]

Serenade (Daniela Dimitrescu/Reader) Pt. 8

Fandom: Resident Evil: Village Rating: T for language? Warnings: None? I think? Please let me know if I missed something Notes: Bit of fluff with some anxiety/update on primary conflict. Next chapter will be a cute date with Dani, the one after that will be maximum h*rny, and then what will likely be the finale. Music for this chapter here. PS this one is a bit on the shorter side, but I hope y'all still enjoy it. Past Chapters: Pt. 1: Nocturne, Pt. 2: Overture, Pt. 3: Accelerando, Pt. 4: Toccata, Pt. 5: Poco a Poco, Pt. 6: Elegy, Pt. 7: Harmony

Chapter 8: Obbligato

(Obbligato: An instrumental part which is essential in a piece of music)

“Okay, okay, serious this time, please? I’ll give you a kiss if you try hard enough,” you promised, grinning up at Daniela as you did. A week had passed since your talk in the library, with the two of you spending most days together, and you were progressing nicely with the musical lessons. Still, your girlfriend (you would never get tired of saying that word) was prone to getting a tad ‘distracted’. By you, usually. Not that it was intentional by any means. There was only so much you could do to keep her focused when the two of you were this close together.

“I could just kiss you anyway,” Daniela teased, leaning in with familiar intent. Right before your lips touch, however, she pulls back and smirks. “But if you insist, I can handle the challenge.” Then she’s turning back towards the piano, carefully finding the starting position. Even with her prior experience, you were impressed with how much she had already learned, and couldn’t help but be immensely proud of her. If anyone could meet Lady Dimitrescu’s expectations within a three month timeframe, it was the two of you. Except, of course, you still had to double-check just what her expectations were.

In the meantime, you were excited to hear your girlfriend play through the sheet music you had written up. Most of what you were working with had come from the family’s storage room, but you had also found some blank sheets, and figured it couldn’t hurt to create songs of your own. This particular one was relatively simple. It had been based on a song from a game you had played years ago, and only posed a moderate challenge due to its interesting rhythm. Daniela had seemed to enjoy playing it, with you even hearing her practice the song outside of your lessons, but had so far today refused to play it seriously.

Finally that was going to change. Once she found the starting notes, she nodded to herself, then started playing. For the first time today her expression is stern, focused. Seeing her like this was nice. She was always cute, you just thought that she was extra cute like this. But you tried not to let yourself get too distracted, knowing that you couldn’t give her feedback if you didn’t pay attention. In your head you “play along”, fingers miming the movements, knowing that it would help you catch any possible mistakes. Throughout the piece there are only a couple that you catch, none of them being severe enough to ruin the experience. Finishing with a little flourish, Daniela returns her gaze to you, grinning expectantly.

“Well? I seem to recall you promising me a reward,” she said, perking a brow. Laughing a little, you roll your eyes, before moving in to give her exactly what she wanted. Both of you are smiling into the kiss, enjoying every moment of it. Soon enough Daniela is running a hand through your hair, and pressing against you more, tilting her head just enough to deepen the kiss. You’re blushing hard now, thoughts going everywhere other than music. It’s not until you pull back for air that you remember what you’re supposed to be doing right now.

“As wonderful as this is… we still have a few more songs to go over,” you murmured, despite how much you wanted to keep kissing Daniela. By the way she groaned in frustration, you figured she felt the same way, more or less. “Hey, don’t fret too much. Think of this as an opportunity to earn a few more rewards,” you teased, gently patting her on the shoulder. For a moment she simply pouts, but eventually she sighs and gets ready to play another song…

------------------------------------

Rushing up the steps, practically two at a time, you desperately hoped that you wouldn’t be late. This was your third “update meeting” with Lady Dimitrescu, which by itself was enough to make you a nervous wreck. Add in the fact that this was the first time you’d be meeting alone? And in her personal study, no less? Well, it was safe to say that you were terrified. You hadn’t even been told why things were different this time. No, you were about as clueless as could be, given the circumstances.

By the time you make it your Lady’s study, you cannot tell whether your heart is racing due to stress or physical exertion. Regardless, you make it there in short time, arriving precisely at the scheduled hour. After taking a moment to settle your nerves, you briefly knock on the chamber door. There’s the sound of movement from inside before the way opens. Lady Dimitrescu has to bend a little to see out, but quickly smiles when she meets your gaze. Which was rather unexpected. The last time you had met with her she had been distanced, although still polite. Then again, Daniela had also been with you, and the focus was, as always, on her.

“Lady Dimitrescu,” you greeted, giving a short bow per customs. Then you were being waved in, brought over to a small sitting area, where you waited for permission to sit down. Once it was given, you relaxed a little. Maybe I don’t have as much reason to be nervous as I thought, you muse.

“Please, make yourself comfortable. There are no reasons for you to be unsettled, as far as I am aware,” Lady Dimitrescu said, smile disappearing for a moment at the end. But it’s back as quickly as it had vanished. Did she suspect something? Perhaps she had seen the way Daniela looked at you, or even overheard the whisperings of your roommates. Both thoughts do little other than renew your anxiety. Noticing this, Alcina frowns and shakes her head. “I was merely joking. Now, let us get to the reason for our meeting: How are Daniela’s lessons fairing? There is only so much I can glean from listening.” Glad to have something to think about other than your secret relationship with your boss’ daughter, you nodded and began explaining.

“Lady Daniela is making outstanding progress, in my opinion. Even with her occasional… lapses in attention, once she puts her mind to something, she’s quick to master it. At this point she can sight read nearly as fast and accurately as myself. However, we’re still going over vocabulary, as well as keys and their corresponding chords,” you answered, barely able to maintain eye contact with your employer. Thankfully, she seems to have accepted the inevitability of your nervousness. You were especially thankful now that you prepared to ask her a question. “My Lady, may I inquire about what specifically you expect from my teachings? If there are certain genres you wish for Daniela to be familiar with, or techniques-... I must admit I am unsure as to how to best meet your requirements.”

Slowly reclining in her chair, Alcina appears to ponder your question. In the meantime she sips at her beverage, holding the cup as if it were a fragile heirloom (which it could very well be), eyes looking into the middle distance. Then she gives a soft hum, setting her cup down and returning her attention to you.

“I suppose I can understand your concern. In some ways you have already exceeded my expectations,” she said, expression oddly plain in comparison to her positive phrasing. “My daughter has rarely invested herself in anything as much as she has in your lessons. For this, I am left wondering what she finds so captivating- the music, or the one who pulls the strings?... But that is not the answer to your inquiry, is it?” In that moment, you are incredibly still, willing yourself to keep a straight face, despite the racing of your heart. At your silence, Alcina perks a brow, expecting you to respond. You can’t, your mouth suddenly dry. “What I expect is a passion to educate, a drive to see my daughter flourish. I expect you to teach her exactly as much as she wants you to, focusing on whatever brings her the most joy. But I expect professionalism. Your duties come first, above your health, happiness, and all other desires. Am I understood?”

“Yes, my Lady. Of course, my Lady,” you replied, stuttering, eyes wide. Did she know? Or merely suspect?... There’s another thought, one you try desperately not to voice, only to hear the words fill the room before you can stop yourself. “May I ask where Lady Daniela’s desires fit into this?” Silence hangs heavy over the room for several seconds. Your employer has narrowed her eyes, lips curled downwards into a sharp scowl, watching you with thinly-veiled anger. All you can do is gulp and wait for her response. When it comes, you are surprised by the stability of her tone. It was almost as if she respected your gall.

“She is young still, with the mind of a lovesick maiden. Daniela does not know what she wants, not really, nor does she understand what she needs. If her… flirtatious nature begins to interrupt your instruction, then your response must be swift, and uninterested. Regardless of how unkindly she takes your rejection, I will ensure that she does not harm you,” Lady Dimitrescu said, giving a stern nod at the end. Though her tone was reassuring, you hardly felt better, considering you were far past the point of turning Daniela down (if anything, you had only turned her on). “Now, with that settled, I believe I should let you return to your duties. Oh, and do tell Cynthia that the tea she brewed was perfect, should you happen to see her.”

Then she looked away, practically ignoring your continued existence. So you rose to your feet, gave another bow, and left before your panic could devolve into a breakdown. Daniela is not going to be happy about this.