#why can't i put this much effort and work into my actual academic writing????? the world may never know

[lady-harrowhark]

Hey, so I was browsing your tlt meta tag (because I remembered your post about Ianthe being waxen, still love that btw) and I saw a post about you writing a thing called The Megatheorem. Is that still a thing in the works? Was it already posted somewhere? Am I causing you physical pain by asking about it and should not do that?

(I've also got ADHD and fully respect if it's Option Three there and you'd rather I never asked about it again. Sorry if that's the case.)

Ahahahaha yes, it's still in the works and no, you are not causing physical pain by asking about it, although I did actually laugh out loud when I saw this 😂 Anyone is free to continue prompting my about it as encouragement to work on it! (Also I'm still surprised at how that Ianthe post took off - I very genuinely almost didn't post it because it was just sort of a passing thought at first lol)

The Mega-Theorem hasn't been posted anywhere because it's not finished yet lol. I also have ADHD and I was massively hyperfixated on working on it for several months and The Hyperfixation Shine has worn off BUT it's definitely not abandoned by any means. I did post the current table of contents a while back as a sneak peek, which I can share again here!

Several sections are pulled pretty directly from posts that I've previously made, which are all in my tlt meta tag. As an aside, I'm glad someone else is finding my tagging system useful lmao. I love being able to go back and browse specific tags for art or meta or whatever and I get a kick out of knowing other people do too lol.

I do plan to post it once I feel like I've tied up the loose ends! It's definitely going to have to be split into multiple posts/sections, though, given that it currently sits at 12,849 words and 25 pages 💀 When will said loose ends be tied up? Excellent question! I would also love to know the answer to that one!

[anzulvr]

Hello how are you today. I was wondering can I request karma x reader headcanon who are enemies. Like always competing for better grades and are always at each other throats

— ACADEMIC RIVALS HEADCANNONS

Karma Akabane x Reader (gn!) // the beginning of this takes place before Karma is dropped to E class, you’re A-CLASS classmates // this is so late I’m sorry… like a year late i think. pls forgive me. Cute request shoulda done sooner but I’m so behind!!

Unconsciously Karma is going to assume the worst of you, before even speaking to you he had a few assumptions of the type of person you were.

Though you can’t really blame him for it, A class students aren’t exactly known for being kind.

You had a few assumptions about him yourself.

Wasted potential, a genius who got into fights on a regular basis. He was so full of himself, always leaving class before the lesson ended. Not to mention the way he never followed instructions.

You didn’t appreciate the fact things worked out for him better than they did for you.

He constantly outperformed your scores with a point or even half a point. It was irritating. You spent hours perfecting your writing, memorizing equations, and taking notes. He didn’t even stay in class for longer than 30 minutes because he already knew the lessons?!

No matter how much you studied ahead, he already knew that. If you managed to score 100 on a test he’d somehow gotten extra credit points. It was driving you insane.

He could probably feel the hostility, which is why you avoided each other for the most part.

Until…

You got paired up for a project.

Your worst nightmare came true.

He’s cute from afar. Actually having to interact with him and having your A+ on the line was not cute in the slightest. He’s smart, you couldn’t deny that, oftentimes he slacks on bigger homework assignments like these because he doesn’t feel like it.

You were hoping he’d help regardless, you could do it all yourself but if he pitched in it would take a lot of stress off your shoulders.

You got into a disagreement about how the assignment should be done. He decided you could stray from the instructions a bit while you wanted to do everything by the book.

Eventually he caved when he saw it was genuinely bugging you when he didn’t even care about the assignment.

Now that you had to talk to each other almost every day, you both realized what you had in common. Things you misunderstood about one another and had grown pretty close.

Close enough for him to make fun of you and shove his test scores in your face.

You didn’t expect you could become friends with someone so different from you. When you realized how much you liked him it worried you.

You started looking his way when you should've been reading your textbook.

You stopped telling him to be quiet whenever he talked your ear off during a lesson.

You were putting more effort in the way you looked and dressed when you got ready in the morning.

You even turned in an assignment late because you chose to help him with a last minute project.

If someone had told you that you'd like him that much a few months ago; you would have laughed in their faces.

You realized how far gone you were:

(��He's distracting me from my studies... Wait- was his plan to begin with?!”)

Lucky for you, he started showing up on time and even stayed in class the whole day!

(he did show off to you how he could finish the worksheets in less than half the time you could, but hey, you can't win them all.)

He won't tell you why he's suddenly so punctual, and he's much better at hiding his motives than you are but you have a feeling you've also been taking up his thoughts.

[brb-on-a-quest]

Day Fourteen Day Fifteen Day Sixteen

im SOOOOO SORRY that I left you guys hanging those two days! *cries* the first one I genuinely forget, and the second I was too busy to do it- and I think that this is not the first time this might happen, since the farm (oh yeah, if you're not one of my regular followers, you should know I'm a farmhand lol) is picking up steam, during my down time Im trying to do more physical rest for my body to recover. which means unfortuantely, Ive been spending less time on here in general, and that my longer posts that take more time to write have had to pause for a while.

so, I'm sorry to say but this is the last day i'll be able to do this for a while, but maybe forever. I've had so much fun with it and loved to see everybody's different answers, and how we've all connected!! but for at least a few days/weeks, I need a bit of a break lol. if anyone wants to pick up this game again, with the same list of people I've given already or different ones, you are more than welcome to! and I'm not leaving Tumblr, I'm just not going to do this particular ask game anymore.

our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

thank all of you so much! I hope to return again maybe sometime! I wish you all the best :)

Awww no worries gracie! take care of yourself first. Def appreciate all the work it must've taken to come up with good questions. I'll be sure to haunt your inbox soon with hopefully some equally thought-provoking (or not) questions.

ok, actual question: our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

To be honest, this question has haunted me for the past...well since before high school. (has it really been almost 10 years since I was a baby highschool freshman?). To be also perfectly honest, my depression and anxiety were so bad I was never convinced I would make it as far as I did... which allowed me to put off answering the question for a long while until the Hour of College Applications approached.

Well, against all previous conceptions of my future, I am still alive and about to graduate in December (literally how) and set to walk across the beautiful stage in May to get my undergrad diploma with some kind of academic honors (I forget the Latin for it). Definitely not the highest GPA, but I am relatively proud of myself considering the effort and, for lack of a better phrase, blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into this. So, steps that need to happen in order to graduate

Pass classes (Preferably with A's but I'm also in a position where hopefully my self-esteem won't die with a B or 2).

Write and Finish my thesis (shaking crying throwing up I don't have enough capacity for this even if it's only 15 pages in Spanish)

Study and hopefully pass a GRE (graduate school readiness exam I think? 'cuz I'm told it's a good idea for master's school applications I can not stress enough how much I hate standardized tests and am so anxious about this that I haven't even opened my books yet, I've just been throwing myself into thesis research instead; I 'know not all schools require this but I'm going into something that's not my major, so I feel some kind of need to prove myself).

Apply to graduate schools for counseling!

Only four things... it shouldn't be so bad.... one would think... (can I please just skip to the part where this is over why do people call college the best years of my life).

The other thing I want to work on is just being a better person and in particular a better friend. My goal is therapy, particularly pediatric therapy because it's such a neglected area where I'm from and also in general I think because there tends to be stereotypes of "oh children can't have mental health problems." but doing that means I want to develop more compassion, friendliness, and patience and gentleness and actual listening skills while being assertive...yk an environment that nurtures personal and other's growth. Which is really hard. Progress has been made but still more to go.

[twst-hanaya]

Twisted Wonderland Hogwarts Houses: Heartslabyul

This is Part 1 of a 7 part series.

Just thought it would be fun I think about which Hogwarts House would suit each boy the best, and explain why I chose the ones I did.

I wrote this while I was suffering through finals so please don't expect quality, it was escapist indulgence that lead me to write this post.

As always, this is just my personal opinion. Feel free to give your own!

Riddle Rosehearts

Ravenclaw

Because he's an absolute nerd. Not much else to say about this one honestly. Get that valedictorian seat you little red gremlin.

Ok but if I have to elaborate. Man is strong and all but has no rizz, so Gryffindor is out. Slytherin would be dishonorable for him because he is a goody two shoes, and would agree with the idea that the ends justify the means. Hufflepuff is all about hard work and all, but his work ethic is less about fairness and more about winning academically, against everyone. This is very Slytherin of him, but ultimately Ravenclaw is winning out on this one.

Trey Clover

Slytherin

Now hear me out on this - I know that he's like the Dad of the squad and all, but I don't think Hufflepuff suits him. Sure, he takes good care of his underclassmen and fellow dorm students as Vice Housewarden, and he makes snacks and feeds everyone, but this man is first and foremost about keeping the peace, and doesn't care about sentimentality. He's all about practicality.

It was a big part of the story that he didn't have the courage to face Riddle as his friend, and his actions in the midst of that conflict was to take the easy way out (emotionally and mentally), by soothing Riddle's temper as well as the dorm student's anger at the unfair treatment, rather then dealing with the heart of the matter.

In his Lab Coat personal story, we can see that he's actually got a fairly dry personality. Jade is surprised to hear that Trey doesn't mind giving up the strawberries he put effort into growing, thinking that he would want to put his heartfelt affection for Riddle into the tart he was making for him, but Trey explains that Riddle can't really tell the difference between high quality ingredients and good-enough, and ultimately it's about satisfying his demands. Him using the strawberries he was growing was just because he so happened to have them on hand, not because he was set on using them for Riddle.

I just think this practicality oriented mindset, with the goal of "peace", is very Slytherin like.

Cater Diamond

Hufflepuff

I considered this a lot, because I know there's supposed to be a bit of a depressive side to his character that he doesn't really show others, but ultimately I felt that it fit him the most.

Cater is an expert at reading the room and managing people's emotions and perceptions in a way that Trey simply can't mimic. He's great at networking and connecting to others, and is a great mood maker.

Gryffindor would have been too bold of a house for him, as he's not one to push his own feelings forward and is focused on keeping a fun energy which makes him more of a people-pleaser type than the charismatic types that are more common in Gryffindor.

Slytherin also doesn't really suit him because while he can be as sneaky as any other NRC student, he's not particularly ambitious. You could say he's manipulative, but it's more for the sake of keeping everything "happy" rather than for any practical benefit of his own.

Ace Trappola

Slytherin

He's just such a sly little bastard you know? Classic teen behavior and all that, but dude is literally just the kind of person you wanna - *wrings neck, with affection*.

I also considered Gryffindor, but I would say his snarky little asshole side is stronger. He'll (for the most part) take the easy way out of a situation rather than do something for the sake of his pride / competitiveness, although he's not immune to doing so. As I said: classic teenager. Ultimately, another one who cares more out but the ends than the means.

Deuce Spade

Gryffindor

He's so perfect for the home of lions, don't you think? And while he doesn't have rizz, he's very straightforward and honest about what he thinks. I considered Hufflepuff because of this, but I felt that he was more energetic and competitive, so Gryffindor it was. Also despite his supposed efforts to become a model student, he's not really trying that hard is he? lol. Studying is a bitch when you really don't know how to study.

[independence1776]

hi - I'm so sorry that I'm writing to you from my nsfw account but I don't have access to my main (I'm at abanaqun usually) at the moment gdi - hope that's ok! but I am writing to ask: I came across your survey about 2000s Tolkien fandom culture from 2019 today and I was wondering if you ever published that meta and would be willing to share a link?

I'm writing my bachelor thesis on the archiving of fanworks in the lotr fandom. its early stages yet and I'm just reading as much as possible at the moment, and I'd love to read your meta!

Hi! I’m glad you reached out.

As far as you using this account: I have zero problem with it. While I don’t know your reasons for having different accounts, I am honestly perturbed that you felt the need to apologize for it. I’ve been in fanfic fandom for more than twenty years; in the spaces I usually participate in, no one cares if people focus on adult topics or not. It's your blog; do what you want with it. Plus, this is Tumblr. The amount of times people talk about sex and shipping is infinite. And, honestly, I don't check blogs before I answer Asks; the only time I do check peoples’ blogs are when they seem to be approaching me in bad faith or could be spambots. You are clearly neither!

For your actual question, unfortunately, I never wrote the meta. I assumed that people who would take the survey would read the paragraph about why I was doing it and only answer if they’d been involved in that particular area of fandom. It was a bad assumption. A significant number of people who answered never read fanfic; I got responses like “why would I go to archives?” and “I didn’t do any of the above; why didn’t you ask about X?” when X had nothing to do with fanfic fandom. They took me asking solely about fanfic-related things as a flaw in the survey rather than realizing they were not actually the audience for the survey. There were enough of those responses that it would have been serious work to weed them out to get useful data. I didn’t want to put in the effort for what should have been a fun survey. I’m sorry I can’t be of further help with it.

That said, have you checked out @dawnfelagund 's work? Not being involved in the academic side of Tolkien fandom, I believe she’s the main person studying and writing on Tolkien fanfic fandom. She ran an IRB-approved survey focusing on Tolkien fanfic fandom in 2015; I believe most of the results can be found on her Heretic Loremaster blog. She co-ran the survey again in 2020 and is publishing based on that data and in comparision with the earlier survey; her research on that can be found on SWG (I’m linking to her profile; her research articles are included alongside her fic). I know she's published results from both in professional journals, but I can't remember if they're included in the above or not.

Related to that is the Silmarillion Writers’ Guild’s newsletter column Cultus Dispatches, which “delves into the history and culture of the Tolkien fandom.”

I especially want to point you to Dawn’s Tolkien Fanworks Scholarship Bibliography. In it, she lists papers available for free online; she links in the introduction to another list that includes articles not available for free.

I hope this is of some help to you.

[magpiemirroring]

Every time I see someone argue that AI is making art accessible, or making art possible for disabled people or whatever, I'm just....

Well, first: have you talked to any disabled artists? Some of whom were artists before they became disabled? Because I've yet to talk to any who would be content with a machine making art for them. The part folks yearn for is not really the idea magically being on the paper, it's the time spent making the piece. And artists can be very clever and very determined to find a way to make art in spite of any limits their bodies may have.

But really: Why are you so ashamed of being an amateur artist?

Like, I've been putting work into getting good at art since I was in preschool and paused while eating my crayons to consider that it mattered to me how many legs a horse had and I was damn well going to attempt to get it right!

But maybe that's not you. Maybe you haven't found the right art form for you yet. Maybe you haven't been willing or able to throw yourself at the challenge of getting better at any form of art.

There's lots of things I'd like to be good at, but I'm not. I didn't have it in me to throw myself at dance or music. I took music lessons twice in my life. Once with violin through my school, and once private piano lessons with a nice lady who taught piano in her living room. I murdered the violin. I was passable at piano. I wasn't passionate enough about either to practice frequently.

Any hope of dance or sports would have been nixed by my body. I'm flexible in the wrong ways and I have shoddy proprioception, so I would have inevitably torn something or broken something important in the process. And I didn't love either enough to sacrifice my body to them. (I love art like that and I am so careful of my hands and wrists and shoulders and I still have times where I can't make art or I have to make art slowly.) But I love to dance for fun, just for myself.

I'm an amateur chef and baker. I have a bare minimum of skill in sewing. I dabbled in making websites but coding gives me a headache. I love so many kinds of science and still do, but got burned out on trying to get my math to the necessary levels. I love history, but if you ask me to write a proper research paper I will probably cry from academic burnout but I will ramble about history if you give me an opening. I am frankly shite at any sport that involves running and the only sport I ever daydreamed about getting good at was archery. I love playing video games, but I despite the many many hours I have put into some games, I always play on easy mode and have no interest in Getting Good because that's not fun for me. I can't sing, I can't dance, and my acting skills are rusty at best. I used to do whatever theatre I could. I took theatre electives 3 years in a row in school and did summer school one year to make room for theatre. I sang and danced badly as required. I'm naturally shy, but I liked acting. A lot. But I didn't like it as much as I liked drawing and painting and digital art. I didn't want to throw myself into the grind to try to make acting work for me and I decided I didn't even want to devote my time to local theatre. It took so many hours that I would rather spend on art. But I exercise my dormant theatre kid muscles by DMing D&D when I can cram that into my schedule, lmao.

I am bad at so many things that I enjoy doing and I still enjoy doing them. Doing the thing is what's fun and fulfilling.

So when folks claim they need AI so they can make art, I'm kinda flummoxed, but that seems like you're letting the AI do the fun part, the important part, the part where the art is actually made. Do you actually like art? Do you actually want to make art?

Why are you so embarrassed and ashamed of not having professional level skills in something you never put professional level effort into? Look at all those things I'm shit at! There are professionals I can and will pay for if I need a thing professionally done with professional skill. But messing around with food, with learning, with video games, with theatre and improv skills, and making all sorts of things in areas of art and crafting that are not my focus? These are my side projects. My fun times with friends. They don't need to be good, just pleasing to do.

Why do you hold art to a different standard? Why is art all about the finished product's value in someone else's eyes and not the experience you have in making it?

[rrxnjun]

well imean ur view on them matters the most so iguess i understand why u deleted them😭

SCHOOL IS THE WORST!!! can't even have free time smh i don't understand why school has to be this stressful that u are scared to even take a proper break from learning it's actually the worssstt😭

wait by recommendation do u mean like songs shows or blogs?:o or all of the above?:o KEVIN IS SO GREAT SO IM GLAD U HAVE THAT SOFT SPOT FOR HIM HE IS JUST TOO LOVELY AND FUNNY AND EVERYTHING!! eric is one of the funniest in the group imo so i'm happy that u are enjoying them on hwaiting!!!! dude u should stan them actually their discography is almost immaculate (their new ost is kind of 😟 for me so if u ever start listening to them do not start with that) BUT I HOPE U END UP WITH THEM LIKE TREASURE LMAO i genuinely think tho that by looking at their insta/twitter pics u would probably love them like they are just so aesthetic and well i guess trendy (?) (especially q) but they are just so great and if for nothing else i think it's completely worth it for sunwoo😁👍 THE PICS IN THAT PINK HOODIE WERE 🤌🤌 BUT THE TIKTOK THAT WAS JUST CRAZY I HAD IT ON LOOP AS WELL LMAO but u know i think this is a sign that once ur treasure era calms down a bit u should have ur theboyz era next hihi

MANIFESTING U WONT FAIL THEN!!! academic validation sucks ass i'm waiting till i be at peace with not getting good grades😃👍 probably university will help but i have to get in one first ig😭 but iguess i'm glad u are mostly at peace with it now (?) i be just can't imagine how rough it must have been to get to that point😭 (i hope ur enjoying the break from it then u will be back stronger than ever to write sometime in june ofc)

MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS TBH THAT IM GLAD I LOGGED ON TODAY CUZ IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO SAD IF I MISSSD IT JUST CUZ OF SCHOOL WORK AND U JUST COMPLETELY MADE MY DAY WITH IT ACTUALLY (liebestraum anon💕💘)

no bc school either takes up all my time or energy or makes my mood drop so much i dont wanna write anymore 😭😭 but i wrote a bit today so im happy happy happy maybe i can get something out even during exam season !!! also a chat w my friend about this one fic idea i had kind of convinced me to write for trasure after exams but....we'll see how that goes.👁

i mean all of the above i need all song recs and also content recs 🤭 i think i already mentioned that im a big fan of the reveal album so preferably something w those vibes ?? but im down for everything hihi. KEVIN IS THE LOML my affection towards him is the same i had for mark lee before i stanned nct 😭😭 theres always this one member that sucks me in and makes me stan LMAO. id love to be besties w eric btw. AHAHAHA "once your treasure era calms down" girl- 😭😭 i mean valid. ive always had the boyz in the back of my mind so this is surely a sign to stan. sunwoo is worth it❤

the moment i got into uni i experienced the BIGGEST gifted kid burnout like i never had to study all throughout middle and high school so i automatically thought im super smart and intelligent since ive always been a straight A student but uni was a wake up call and let me know that i am NOT as gifted as i thought i was 😎 so im putting a lot of effort to get C's and im good LMAOO. was kinda sad by the fact that its not A's but when i almost had to drop out bc of almost failing a class i was like yknow what fuck academic validation lets just....get this degree and get it over with. hope your experience is different tho bc i was crushed 😭

as always i loved hearing from u 🥰🥰 opening up my inbox to seeing your ask is always a "FRIEND!!!" moment for me DHSJSJ

[dearesthana]

It's Alright

It's March already. For many people, it may mean nothing. For me, it means that all good things in Sumatera reach the end. There is a new chapter I must open in another place (read: preparing for Master degree).

I face so many questions from people. I mean it. Some questions are kind of similar, but repetitive at the same time.

Like, "If it is that good to work for Pertamina, why do you decide to resign?".

Or, "You're actually very good! Why don't you just study abroad right away, instead ?".

Well, since it is my open diary, I will write my answers as honest as possible.

First, about working for Sales Region I Pertamina Lubricants. It is that good. When most of people find the Medan office is filled with stiff staffs, I find them the most supportive. This is the first time I am surrounded by the most encouraging colleagues, the best team, and the least dramatic office (at least, in my job).

It was hard for me to adapt at first, especially after everyone found out that I used to wear hijab before finally took it off temporarily. But, I guess, kindness has no language. As I started to show my best quality, they slowly accepted me as I am. They rallied their supports when I was at my lowest. I never find any internal obstacle in doing my job. All colleagues are very helpful.

So, you can imagine how hard it is for me to send my resignation letter to my manager in Jakarta.

But, to be honest, I am unable to stay in a job where I can't explore passions further. Even though I grow more as individual, I feel like I can't maximize my strongest ability. As helpful as they can be, my colleagues are not the right support system to cultivate my potential. We have different goals to aim.

Thus, the only option for me is signing out.

The second question needs the longer answer. Well, yes, this decision comes from a deep reflection after all.

I have a deep trauma from bullying in high school. Sure, my acquittances (hard to call them school friends) didn't do something physical. No harm can be found externally.

But, what they did impacted in how I viewed myself. It hurt me internally.

They humiliated me due to my closeness with some male friends (which was ironic, considering they become close with school male friends after graduation). They mocked me for my disability to do basic chores and being untidy. Some people even snooped my diaries just to get something to talk about me. Some of them ever ostracized me for simply...being myself.

I can still recall the words they used:

"Your cleverness in school is useless if you can't do basic chores. You will not be a good housewife in the future!" "Don't blame us for bullying you. Your attitude is asking for it!". "You just seek attentions from Y and R (my close male friends), don't you?". "You are not that beautiful, though,".

Well, since lots of people told me so, I naturally affirmed it. I wouldn't be a good housewife. I wasn't beautiful. I wasn't a wife material.

Turned out, it became the biggest mistake I've made in my life.

Affirming negative words was not only hindering my self-love progress. It was holding me in seeing the good things I have within myself. Thus, I didn't make enough effort to make myself look good until my 6th semester in college. I still performed academically well, but I wasn't confident enough to take more opportunities I deserved (read: went abroad).

And nothing hit me harder than realizing that my dead best friend actually made many huge moves, to show how much he was into me all along. I never saw it back then, because I didn't think a man could fall for me, since (I thought) I wasn't that beautiful.

I want to put a stop to every negative thing I used to affirm, especially when my progress in healing with psychiatrist is great. But, it is not something I can do overnight. It needs one step at a time to build my life back.

It means, I can't run before learning to walk.

I know I used to dream of studying abroad. It's been there since I was a child. I've been wanting to feel how it feels to be a minority. I've been wanting to broaden my perspectives and break my biases.

But, since I just started to rebuild my confident, I have to be in the process without skipping any step.

That's why I want to give myself enough space to start all over again, although it begins at age 24. I want to start my study in a better academic environment in Indonesia to lit my competitive spirit.

It may take years. I may need to sacrifice many things in my life.

Nevertheless, I believe it's worth something.

[azhdakha]

!!!Disclaimer!!! This is not a suicide bait post. Yes, I'm honest about what I say here, but coward for suicide no matter what. The only reason I write this is that I simply need to vent as I'm going through a very difficult period of my life and I don't want anyone to feel obliged to coddle me. I also don't want any of my friends to feel guilty for anything I write here. I am really grateful to everyone who was kind and supported me or just talked to me. I am NOT asking for coddling.

Yes, honestly, I'm 21, I have never thought I would ever reach this point, but I have no desire for my life left, I don't enjoy it anymore. Nothing good happens. It gets worse, and worse, and worse. Even when you think it can't be worse, some shit happens again. I'm just tired. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of hating myself, being embarrassed and ashamed of myself. If this is dramatic - I'm to tired to care. I'm tired to he alone. I'm tired that everytime I think someone is my friend and get attached or I simply enjoy talking to someone, thinking that I have an emotional bond or at least a good attitude with that person, eventually I get even more hurt. I'm tired that I'm always the one who writes first. But I damn sure don't blame my friends for it. I know, that I'm a troubled person, I have anxiety, I often talk about things that bother me and express my opinion and attitude. Sometimes maybe too much. When I was a teenager, I tried to stay complicit and be appealing to people I want to be freinds with and fit into the social group. Eventually I realized that it only makes things worse. So yes, I better say what I think and regret it, but don't twist myself. I know it doesn't fit everyone. That's why I'm not even the slightest mad at my friends because we're not obliged to like or want to talk to someone. Sometimes a person just write touch and you need to take a break. I understand that. But yeah, it still hurts to be ignored, it hurts because you never actually know the attitude a person has towards you and the reason why the choose not to talk to you. And you drown in self-hate and anxiety and it's unbearable. I had a time when my best friend I used to talk and discuss things with started ignoring me every time I shared my thoughts on something important. And eventually it led to the point when I found out that I trusted someone who turned out to be totally different from what I thought. Later my other friend acted supportive and then called me out for being toxic. And such things make you a suspicious paranoic.

I'm tired of being disappointed in myself. I'm tired of being alone. I struggle with studies for around six years now. I cannot concentrate, I cannot hold attention, I cannot make myself work, I'm totally indifferent to my prebious passions, I don't know what I'm interested in because I'm always tired and apathetic. This is the reason why simply choosing another academic program is not going to help. This is also the reason why I have no idea how would I work if I choose to get a job instead of studies. I fail, and fail, and fail. And then I remember how much efforts my family put in me. And then I realize that I myself fucked up everything. I had amazing perspectives and I fucked them up myself. Because I'm spoiled and I can't kick my ass enough to finally somtimes make myself do things that don't bring joy but that are need to be done. I hate myself.

I keep daydreaming a lot. Making up a fantasy world where everything is if not perfect, but at least cool and good, sometimes awesome. But eventually comes a realization. Sometimes I want to slap myself and say, "Bitch, wake up, stop thirsting on your wet fantasies. You DON'T have a beautiful relationship, you don't have a lover, you don't love anyone either. You're an ugly miserable socially awkward creature that is afraid to make contact with people and you're far from getting any like earth from the moon. You don't know how to make yourself look good, but that doesn't matter because no matter what clothes, make up and hairstyle you're going to have, it's not going to help. Stop reading fanfictions and thirsting over non-available men and do you work". And you know what's the most funny thing here? That recently I got a person that has a crush on me. The problem is that to my great disappointment, I feel totally nothing towards him. Why? Because he barely knows me, never met me in real life and admires and adores some ideal image, but not me. Is that love? Should I really take this as someone actually loving me? I don't know, but I cannot. Add the fact that unfortunately this person is pathetically dumb, especially for his age. But maybe I should give him a chance?

I guess I should talk to a therapist. I will try to find someone despite my family doesn't approve or doesn't permit it(this is a cultural problem at my place). But right now? I don't even have time. I have 5 subjects that I have to get credit on as quickly as possible. But its either I don't know shit even if I study, or no reply from teachers. But fuck these excuses. The point is that I'm pathetic dumb piece of shit. I fucked up my life. It is what it is.

[transsexualhamlet]

I feel like Exposing Myself online today so here's a completely unasked for, in depth bulleted list explanation of why I kin which bsd characters. the short answer is i am very mentally ill feel free to come into my asks and roast me bc of this

NIKOLAI

first of all thats my gender sir. i wish to dress and present myself like him

superiority and individuality complexes to the extreme

would kill/die/commit heinous acts for my good sir fyodor dostoyevsky (and anyone else I cared about)

if i think about society too hard i want to murder everyone and am filled with existential horror and disgust

that good old deep set desire to make everyone i love despise me so they'll know who i truly am

"I am completely sane /neg"

if anyone slightly normal likes anything about me i need to change it immediately

every torment i experience is entirely on purpose and my fucking fault

every single way i am perceived is wrong yet please i need to be perceived objectively because i as a human cannot see myself from all angles

DAZAI

called the FUCK out by irl dazai's works

strong desire to fuck around and find out as in "if i am reckless and put myself into dangerous places and situations then I might gain calvin+hobbes style 'character' and my own feelings will then be valid"

acting silly and speaking of serious issues like jokes to distract from Constant Internal Crisis

my one true love, unhealthy coping mechanisms

no filter and no idea of what is socially acceptable

generally just kind of a shitty person who says "i'm gonna change" and keeps doing the same goddamn thing because they can't be bothered to go through the emotional pain so has just decided that they are a Bad Person and not do actually put effort into becoming better

"i hate pain" as an oxymoron

goes through elaborate hoops to make sure people don't think of them highly

hasn't managed to keep any friends from more than 4 years ago (for understandable reasons)

the mortifying ordeal of being known

deep emotional need for people to call me slurs so i feel special<3

RANPO

lists off the entire autism diagnostic criteria and related symptoms

i like literally every single thing i could think of that i kin him is related to neurodivergency ie:

his blunt style of speech, sounding rude, knowledge in academic areas but deficient in social, always a complete mess, different way of thinking about Everything, age under/overestimated etc etc etc

oh also i love his awful style he is wearing his tie backwards me too buddy

praise praise praise praise praise gimme gimme gimme gimme

takes any criticism absolutely HORRIBLY aka rejection sensitive dysphoria

POE

GENDER GENDER GENDER GENDER

desire to always have my hair entirely covering my face

spending insane amounts of money on people i care about

remembering people for years as a huge impact on my life and having them not remember me at all

trying to be "mysterious" and ending up just a huge nerd

always carrying around giant stack of books

literally always writing and a large amount if not all of my writing is to please those few people who understand me

KYUU/Q

kyuu is. not an important character and has not appeared since the guild arc. there is not much to go off of however i think it's very important

gender. i rest my case

i am not god's strongest soldier if subjected to any amount of pain i will scream and murder anyone i can to get rid of it

there is so much rage there is So Much Rage pent up in that tiny fucking body and if anyone underestimates me or provokes me they're getting the goddamn electric chair

i am just a little guy do not do this to me please sir im just a little guy and it's my birthday

hey besties if i were given the nuclear launch codes we would all be dead

horrible distaste for any medical professional and Extreme Problems with giving anyone especially said medical professionals access to my body or any knowledge thereof

objectively someone should probably lock me up

FYODOR

hey he's got stand up and pass out immediately disease same he is a frail young lad

give me my blood back it is falling out

hyperempathy and low empathy working together manifests as "we should all just die" disease which is objectively not true and never something you should base your political views on but it sits there in my brain it sure does

as like with nikolai society and living within it and the way it is structured ie capitalism makes me want to enter jeff bezos's house and start my life of crime right then and there

ROMANTICIZE ROTTING INTO THE GROUND WITH YOUR LOVED ONES BY GOD

not to be that guy but if i was in any way capable of helping i would so join the DOA excluding fukuchi fukuchi doesnt exist fyodor runs the doa and anything about fukuchi is a mass hallucination /j

and of course CHUUYA

I feel like there are many chuuya kinnies who have much more claim to him than me and I will cede that however have you considered short overpowered trans man who is always feeling 73 emotions and 60 of them are variations on anger

feeling alienated/like i'm an imposter at being human (although this is a theme of the whole series and nearly everyone in it)

i bite and kill medical professionals<3 (you can sense a theme here)

i always get adopted into friend groups and then they fucking Leave (thankfully not by dying in my situation. as far as i know)

i had my newly out transmasc era too chuuya *points at picture of 15 chuuya's outfit and haircut and general demeanor*

i know i have said this on nearly all of them but by god his gender

concluding this you can tell i am an on fire garbage can

[headcanonsandmore]

Honestly, I had a friend backstab me the same way Ron backstabs Harry not once but twice. I simply cannot get behind him as a character I don't see him loyal at all. He wasn't in Hufflepuff for a reason. He's loud, lazy, and only good at chess even in the books. He puts no effort into school, complains about everything, and can't even pull his head from his ass. It baffles me that people actually like him when he's got like 3 moments where he isn't a douche.

Okay, first of all, Ron didn’t ‘backstab’ Harry in GOF. He thought Harry had gone behind his back and entered the tournament without him. During the run-up to the tournament, Ron had made it clear that he wanted the two of them to enter together. To Ron, a character who is fiercely loyal, even the thought that Harry would want to hide something from him was devastating. 

He also didn’t ‘backstab’ Harry in DH. He was anaemic, ill, and malnourished, as well as having a part of Mouldy-warts soul round his neck. The Horcrux played up some of Ron’s worst fears (that he was just a hanger-on, that Harry didn’t care about him, that Hermione preferred Harry to him) to try and break up the trio. Because it knew that Ron was the binding force within the group; the glue that held them together. If Ron fell, the trio would fall too, and Voldemort would never be defeated. Ron also has a sensitivity for emotional magic; being the first of the trio to realise the horcrux was sort-of alive, as well as having a hunch about the taboo on Voldemort’s name that Harry and Hermione didn’t take into consideration (heck, the only reason they didn’t say his name before they found out was because Ron kept urging them not to, resulting in Harry and Hermione developing a habit of saying ‘you-know-who’ and therefore not getting caught whilst Ron was away). 

Second, the reason Ron wasn’t in Hufflepuff was because his defining trait was his bravery. Ron is fiercely loyal, yes, but he was also brave, intelligent and resourceful. He was a Gryffindor through-and-through. 

Thirdly, Ron is far more than those traits you stated. Yes, he is loud, but he’s also funny, witty and quick-minded. He isn’t lazy; he’s a teenage boy who didn’t enjoy studying and wanted to spent time doing the things he loved (very much like Harry, who- need I remind you- got the exact same OWL grades as Ron except for their Defence grade. Which Ron still exceeded expectations on). 

Ron is good at many things outside of chess. He was a brilliant keeper in Quidditch (despite Draco Malfoy writing an abusive song designed to mock Ron during matches), a great strategist, a sociable person able to get along with many different people, and able to stop Harry and Hermione getting lost in their own heads. And since when is being good at chess a bad thing? He beats a chess-set designed to beat adult wizards at the age of the twelve, whilst working with a handicap (making sure Harry and Hermione weren’t taken), and then sacrificing himself for his friends, showing his bravery once again. Ron is a chess-master, which also disproves the point about him being unintelligent. 

Ron did take his school-work seriously. Like I said before, he passed all of his OWL excepting History of Magic (a subject taught by a teacher who bored everyone except Hermione) and Divination (again, taught by a teacher that was iffy at best). He exceeded expectations in Charms, Transfiguration, Potions, Herbology, Defence Against the Dark Arts, and Care of Magical Creatures, as well as passing in Astronomy. He got the EXACT same grades as Harry (who also shared his disinterest in studying) except for the subject that Harry had a special talent for (and Ron still exceeded expectations for that subject, regardless). Ron is no slouch, academic wise. 

‘Complains about everything’? I guessing you mean when he was making a point about Harry not knowing what he was doing in DH. Which (as I already mentioned) was when Ron was anaemic, malnourished and under the influence of a piece of Voldemort's’ soul. 

‘Can’t pull his head out of his a**’? For goodness’ sake, Ron hardly ever ignores the problems going on around him. Aside from the Lavender situation in HBP (which he delayed because he didn’t want to hurt the poor girls’ feelings), Ron was often the one trying to resolve  arguments with the people around him. During the entire series, he is almost always the bigger person, apologising and trying to resolve arguments even if they weren’t his fault to begin with. 

Ron NEVER gets apologised to by anyone in the series (even if the other person was the one at fault). Aside from Hermione apologising in POA about Ron’s rat, he never gets a proper apology from anyone. He, throughout all seven books, is the one who has to shred what little pride he has, give ground to other people, and resolve the situation. 

‘It baffles me that people actually like him when he's got like 3 moments where he isn't a douche.’

You really think he hasso few amazing moments? You’re about to get schooled, I’m afraid. Ron has SOmany amazing moments.

Befriends Harry almostimmediately after meeting him. Tries to cheer Harry after he worries about notbeing good enough for Hogwarts. Gives Harry lots of insider-info about thewizarding world. Immediately volunteers to be Harry’s second in the duel, andgoes along with him (sneaking out after lights-out to do so). Saves Hermionefrom the mountain troll whilst in a life-threatening situation. Worries aboutHarry’s mental state after Harry starts spending a lot of time staring at theMirror of Erised. Makes sure his mum gets Harry some holiday presents, andstays at Hogwarts with Harry over the break. Is the only one to stand by Harrywhen the entirety of Gryffindor house turns against him. Literally sacrificeshimself in the giant chess game for his friends. Gets fifty points fromDumbledore for said chess game, helping Gryffindor win the house cup.

Rescues Harry from hisabusive relatives after he notices that Harry didn’t respond to Ron’s letters.Has Harry stay over at his house over the summer. Apologises when he realisesthat Harry doesn’t know about Floo Powder. Drives himself and Harry to Hogwartsin a flying car. Defends Hermione after Malfoy calls her a slur; using anon-verbal spell through a wand that didn’t even choose him. Comforts Hermioneafter she gets turned into a cat-like creature, and brings her homework. Goesto defend Ginny after Malfoy embarrasses her in public. Stands by Harry whenmost of the student body think he’s the heir of Slytherin. Is constantlylooking out for and comforting Ginny throughout the year. Goes into theforbidden forest (despite having a phobia of spiders) because it might helpthem de-petrify Hermione. Suggests that he and Harry go to see Lockhart aboutthe chamber of secrets, on the slightest possibility that Ginny might still bealive. Holds his emotions together when he and Lockhart are cut off from Harryby falling rock.

Makes up an alibi toget Harry out of trouble with Professor Snape. Immediately downplays his owngrievances with the Scabbers-Crookshanks situation after Hermione apologies soas to make her feel better. Stands up on a BROKENLEG to defend Harry against a presumed-mass-murderer, proclaiming ‘if you wantto kill Harry, you’ll have to kill us too!’

 Rescues Harry from theDursleys (AGAIN). Invites Harry to the Quidditch World Cup. Tries to apologise toHarry for his behaviour (although Harry realises he doesn’t need the apology).Supports Harry 100% during the rest of the tournament. Lets Harry practicestunning spells on him repeatedly inthe run-up to the third task.

Makes it clear that heunderstands Harry’s frustrations, but that it’s not okay to take thosefrustrations out on Ron and Hermione. Won the Quidditch cupfor Gryffindor. Goes with Harry to thedepartment of mysteries. Gets incapacitated whilst defending Luna and Ginnyfrom several death-eaters (all of whom he defeated).

Won the Quidditch cup forGryffindor AGAIN. Defended Hogwartsagainst the death-eaters.

Part of the ‘sevenpotters’ plan. Took down several death-eaters whilst several-hundred-feet-up ona broom. Was worried about theCattermole family after they got away from the ministry. Got away from the snatchersafter they cornered him. Saves Harry’s life.Destroys the horcrux locket after it mentally tortured him with visions of hisown worst fears. Never blames hisleaving on the locket, even though he had every right to. Tries to fight thesnatchers and tells them to ‘get away from’ Hermione. Saves Hermione fromBellatrix Lestrange. Jumps forward when a chandelier comes down on top of her,and pulls her out of the rubble. Disapparates without splinching for the firsttime because he needed to get Hermione to safety. Stops Hermione fromstunning a giant, which could have caused half the castle to be crushed. Volunteered to go tothe shrieking shack to kill the snake in place of Harry. Remembered thehouse-elves when everyone-else had forgotten them (including Hermione). Took down FenrirGreyback with Neville.

(And these are just the ones off the top of my head...)

This is why we like Ron Weasley, anon. Because he was brave, intelligent, funny, witty, kind-hearted, and always come through for his friends. 

So, yeah, I don’t agree with you on this, anon. Bye!