#why couldnt i have the math autism instead

[daybringersol]

kids these days don’t even wanna work anymore (look through every single aromantic-related entry of the LGBTQIA+ wiki until they finally find one specific word that encapsulates their entire relationship with romantic attraction)

[kanenites]

would any beloved mutuals be interested in me compiling a list of what i think is Good analog horror . bc everyone always recommends the walten files or mandela catalogue and i personally think those are the absolute WORST recommendations you can give someone if you want them to actually enjoy the genre.

[the-real-wispetzz]

hate being autistic because ill be scrolling through tumblr and see someone say the most INCORRECT thing about my silly and then i have to exit the app before i smash my laptop into tiny little pieces

[butchdykekondraki]

why couldnt i have gotten Good At Math Autism instead of Abnormal About Characters Autism

[meowizard]

man why couldnt i have gotten the wow youre so good at maths autism instead of the wow youre like kind of self absorbed and bitchy huh. autism

[butch-bakugo]

Still dont get how it took my mom 19 years to figure out i had autism( or ocd)when as a child, i enjoyed;

Going through the pantry and throwing away expired food like it was a game.

Going through my moms coupon scrapbook and throwing out the expired ones like it was a game

I lined up my hot wheels cars in a row or would sorted them by type/color/texture/size/etc instead of just run them along the hard wood floors cause car go vroom

Refused food of certain textures/didnt like fruit

Actively did not speak unless it was to myself or they needed me to

Talked to myself constantly

Perfered being alone and only having contact when i wanted it

Only seeking out physcial comfort when im sick

Didnt like making eye contact and would actively avoid it

Did not pick up on social cues

Didnt like being hugged or kissed or touched in general

Would actively stim

Couldnt explain why my mom picking up a toy for me would frustrate me

Always have to do things in a specific order or else its wrong

Adored certain tedious tasks but refused to sit and do math

Liked peeling potatos/carrots and other cleaning activities but had a messy room

All my old preschool and kindergarden grades on "socializing with other kids" were mere points above being concerning cause i was always by myself

Picked my eyebrows till they didnt exist and still have a slight bald patch on my head

Loved listening to songs over and over and over even when it would annoy the average person

Liked my jeans with holes in the kness because i could pick at the strings

Perfered to have earbuds in around crowds

Disassociated all the time

Would sing jingles all the time aka vocal stimming

Desperately wanted to tell her everything about the game or show i was into aka hyperfixating and infodumping

Would be into meteorology then not then into marine biology then not

How i could spend hours on minecraft building things and never get bored

Why i would draw obsessively

Why i still sleep with a comfort blanket/stuffed animal well into adulthood and still do

How i had limited energy/limited focus(then got laughed at by my stepdad cause "limited focus isnt a thing" just for her to chew him out about my adhd)

Liked asmr and still do

Why i talk about human psychology as if i wasnt human( i.e me saying "i dont get why humans do this")

My sudden and intense interest in true crime and criminal(and general) psychology

Had quiet/private meltdowns instead of the sterotypical loud and violent ones because of my dad's abuse and intimidation

Lacked empathy and could only manage some base level sympathy

Couldnt read other peoples emotions and mom quite litterally said she dosent know how to speak to me sometimes cause my face looks like a "brick wall when im being happy and when im sad".

Didnt get that saying "the table is dirty" is supposed to mean "could you please clean the table" instead lf just an observation

Me saying sorry all the time wasnt just a trauma responce

Constantly stateing my feelings and clarifying what im trying to get across cause im scared someone might take it a bad way

Not getting sarcasm or jokes unless they are almost comedically obvious

Perfered to deal with negative emotions alone/sent people away when i was grieving/mourning/pissed off

Wanted to do a soft bite as a form of affection(would do it as a kid and still do it to my gf)

Perfered handsewing over the sewing machine

Did "weird" responces to things( hissed at doors and found it funny, stimmed when i got super excited, crane-legged when i got bored, bit my lip when i got bored)

Picked at my scalp

Would only let myself step in squares once or twice and never on the crack or more than the allotted number

Would watch ceiling fans

Watched my feet as i walked with some knowledge of what was infront of me

Was more fascinated by the dead body at funerals of people i didnt really know than comforting the mourners

Make jokes to avoid silence

Always asked if people were angry at me and told people to just tell me how they feel instead of trying to make me figure it out

Never got the whole "i cant ask them out they have to ask me out" thing

Didnt get why certain clothes couldnt be worn to certain places( i.e casual house clothes to church, stained clothing to the store)

The whole "dont invite yourself to spend the night at other people's houses". Bruh i would litterally ask if i could because i wanted to spend more time together then tell them to lie to my mom and say they asked me.

Could handle crawling bugs but not flying ones

Didnt get why i couldn't bring a real knife as a prop for trick or treating. I had no bad intentions but i didnt get why that would scare other people or get legal trouble

Handle stressful situations either with full logic with sympathy or full emotion with low stakes,very little inbetween.

Constantly have to tell people that im not angry and i am interested because i have annoyed and disinterested resting bitch face

Would use my own stories to relate to others instead of just agreeing or sympathizing then never speaking to them again because they said i was making it all about me

Being very open and very honest and not realize when something isnt appropriate to say

Not understanding the difference between someone venting and someone asking for advice

Get irritated at people who stayed in shitty situations without fixing them then vent at me. Go fix ur shit.

Not remembering my friend of 10 years' birthday but could tell you their top 5 games and anime

Not understanding why my classmates started getting bigoted when we learned in elementary school to treat others the way you'd want to be treated

Not getting that correcting someone could hurt their feelings

Not giving a shit about someone's pride. When ur wrong ur wrong and im going to tell you and prove to you that ur wrong. Nothing wrong with being wrong.

Being naive about drugs and alcohol and not being able to tell who is on what when they are clearly on something.

Not being book or street smart, just art smart.

Didnt get why certain objects were girls or boys to the point that i had a genderfluid favorite stuffed animal at like 3yrs old.(litterally one day its a boy and the next a girl)

Didnt see the harm in love triangles/polyamory and straight up said "why dont edward and jacob both just date her? Why dose she have to choose?"

Willing to cut people off at the drop of a hat. Didnt care about pre-existing relationships

Have a high internal moral code i refuse to break

Like the funny part of it all is in 2020, i mentioned to my mom that i might have autism because alot of what was considered signs and behavior of autisitc people fit me. She was all opposed and confused and didnt like my assumptions without a doctor present. Flash forward like 2 months and i asked my therapist if he thought i might be autistic and he said "no doubt. Im surprised you didnt come to me with a diagnosis. I have many autistic patients and you'd fit in pretty well". Now 2 years later and i mention it and my mom's all casual like "oh absolutely your autistic. Your sister isnt,its just adhd but you got somethin else going on." Like thanks mom, could of used the support earilier when you were making me feel like i was too sensitive or crazy 😭😭😭

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

my 10 year series

in light of everyone doing their reflection of the past 10 years, i think joining the bandwagon would help me look back on the past decade - if anything to make me think of things that i can be (extra) grateful for, so here goes; 

2010; primary school happened. tbh i cant remember much, (lol i actl went on a fb hunt but its taking forever to scroll everything, so im just going to write everything by my own memory and whatever it deems important haha)  had my psle, felt disappointed bc i didnt do well enough for my math (got like a C instead of a B that i thought i worked hard for), thankfully there’s a secondary school that allows me to be in express. confessed to this boy i liked in case i regret, but hey at least i had the guts to tell him ok!  2011; start of secondary school, met different people from all kinds of backgrounds - the broken, the privileged, etc. also increase weight gain bc of puberty + lack of self control. started learning a new instrument (the saxophone). start of bullying all over again bc of the weight, but also liked this boy for treating me like a human - turns out i can like someone for a very long time. also crucial time for me of getting to know jw, probably was the first few contacts we had. 

2012; increased weight gain, increased bullying as well. i remember (for the drama), i ran out of class crying and went into the arms of a friend, just because the hurtful things i’ve heard the boys said. also streaming year, but not sure what i was doing half the time, but had to make important decisions (subject choices). weight gain was really bad here. trip to china with the school was great though! probably one of the highlights of school. 

2013; best year of my secondary school life; probably bc i dont remember studying much bc of my sinful ways lol, but also bc i had so much fun in school and barely scrapped through my results. couldnt stand the bullying so started the herbalife diet and lost the weight subsequently, but took a hell lot of time.  started running a lot! i think this is also the year i started serving in camy, but also dont remember what i was doing half the time ahahha. by the grace of God, i think i rly barely passed to even go into secondary 4 lol. also the year i fell into the radio world, and found my love for mass comm. got my piercings here in the midst of the recalcitrant self, hated my math teacher to the guts and didnt know how to treat people right in the midst of the ‘identity confusion lol’ got drunk for the first time with friends drinking at the beach, partying in our minor years hahahha.  2014; O levels year. didnt hang out much with the bad company, and i think this was when i studied the hardest. i actually started catching up and getting serious, (and did well for the first time in my education woohoo!) but in the midst of the pride, my results dropped for O levels but all’s good. applied for dpa but failed, but went applied for JPSAE and really by the grace of God, i got into mass comm (after my results). ran my first few marathons here too! my secondary school friends settled down here - besides the insane brain study cramp, i think sec 4 was something i really appreciated, being able to study and kinda not hating myself, but learning how to trust God too.  2015; good 8 months of working part time! wow this is actually a pretty good year. had blue hair, (woohoo!) then got into the school of my dreams by the hand of God (this one rly wah.) first backpacking trip of my life (which made me love life so much more), struggled through the first year of school too. tbh this makes me think of my poly life - and all i can remember it to be would be just ‘BUSY’ and ‘CHINA’. lol how ironic??? considering this place was a dream for me, but i turned out to leave feeling to bleh about it. (but ok not true, i think it was an experience i am willing to take, looking back). understood the pain of the evil media/coporate world haha. the lack of sleep was real, but i actl started the year quite skinny leh!!! then the subsequent weight gain was very real hahahaha. joined ambassadors, started ‘dating’, the idea of having the social life was very real too 2016; BUSY BUSY BUSY. not sure what i was doing with my life tbh, but ok it was more media stuff, perhaps my brain does not want to revisit the joy bc it is attached with the pain and bitter side of things, but i know i have to let these go too. ‘broke up’! learnt about love and confrontation. WOW OK this is also the year i had my really really short hair!!!! wow i have no idea where i got the guts to do it, but i did it anyway HAHAHA. also the year ah ma passed away, then i ran my own comm (and saw people grow so well :’) ), kinda reaffirmed me of why im doing what im doing, and being able to groom people was such a privilege. also the year i hated running RC bc camp finale, but also the year i discovered my r/s with k and the love i had for him.  2017; the birth of beyond. i cant believe it feels so foreign to me now, but man it wasnt just the boy from beyond, but the joy from the relationships i had because of it. OIC HK was an experience, then it was also Y3 and i cant believe it was a painful year bc of school (like the heck its alr 3 years still want to torture me leh!!!!). my first refugee trip whcih broke my heart, found myself crying over the issues of the world then realising i might not even have an answer for everything. falling in love with beyond, then realising our overseas internship was happening - one of the best things that happened to me for someone that’s 19 (young and free lol) also the loudest thought from jesus came in as i was entering the shower; “how can you love someone else, when you have yet to love me?” 2018; interned, met Jesus then decided to take a gap year. best of ministry bc of the partnership i had, but also the growth for the love for people. ran the next trip for the refugee kids, (even brought our graduation gowns lol) learnt how to cut hair!!! had the mass realisation that the world is VERY big. too big for my little brain to comprehend.  started working with geylang adventures, then as the year transited into 2019, i got the job offer for st andrews autism school.  2019; realisation about the relationship i have with k - literally non-exsistant anymore. this one broke my heart quite a bit. (still trying to cope with it i guess.) went back to china on my own to surprise visit my friends woohoo.  worked for st andrews + geylang adventures/backalleybarbers. tbh now that i look back into my gap year, im not sure what i was doing, but at the same time - it was something that i think my soul needed. not to rush just because the world is, but understanding so much of who God is, decerning the peace and learning so much about life. after many tears, many questions, i got into university. not my first choice, (not even in my life of choices tbh) but....; 

2020; 

it is day 4 of 2020, and i love what im studying. i love the friends that i’ve met in school bc they are easy to love, i love the nature of what im studying bc of the sheer contact of humanity it has. truth be told, none of us are going to become social workers. not at least those in my social circle. but at the same time, we are here studying in our best abilities, understanding who God is, through each other, through the course of study, through the people we meet. i love what im studying, but i got my first F in school, but yet i didn’t even panic (not like in mass comm leh!!!) and i could literally laugh it off. that’s how much i love what im doing. 

and for that, as i’m writing this, i feel the need to scream at the top of the mountains that i’m thankful. the heart of gratitude is so real, the hand of God in my life is so real - you can argue that it is by sheer coincidence. i dont disagree, perhaps. but the peace - this immense peace, this joy, the intensity of this joy, cannot be explained, nor contained. i feel this need to shout across to the people i love and say HELLO THIS IS THE GOD I LOVE!!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!!!! HOW AM I SO SPECIAL!!!!!  so thank you Jesus, for loving me. for the past 10 years. and for the many years to come. with a heart of gratitude, thank you for everything. perhaps this is not enough as a thank you message. perhaps only my life in return can translate my act of gratitude. until then, JESUS YOU ARE SO COOL and i think im starting to fall in love with you again. help me fall in love with you because you are you, and not because the things you have done for me. not because of how everything ‘seems so smooth’, but bc of who you are, your goodness, your grace, your mercy, your character, your nature, every bit of who you are!!!!