#wish soldier tf2 was in real life so that he could clean my room for me and then I would be like thank you soldier tf2 and he waould say

[ruthytwoshakes]

sick as horse. Going to die. See you all in. , hell. I am goign to get water now goodbye.

If soldier tf2 was sick I think he would curl into a little ball and shiver all alone in the cold. That is too sad, no, somebody would find him and bring him some soup. AND a blanket. yeaajhh

[aggressive-positivity-network]

[Tf2 headcannon thingy] how would everyone react to scouts ex leaving him with a kid

Oooh, spicy! Real spicy!

TF2 Deadbeat Ex Headcanons

Engineer:

Is one of the few mercs that actually knows anything about children.

The kid likes Engie best he is a) not scarily massive and b) doesn’t treat them like some animal escaped from the zoo.

His rage is well hidden, but god forbid the ex ever shows up at the base again.

The ex actually showed up with a new boyfriend, wanting some of their clothes back.

“Well, no problem, pardner. Lemme just...treat ‘em first. For lice and th’ like. Y’know how dirty us mercenaries can be.”

He shuts the door, opens it a few minutes later with a shoebox of ashes, then slams the door in the ex’s face.

Demo:

Will come in handy when the kid gets a little older, and he likes to hold the baby occasionally, but when it comes to actually taking care of it, he can’t be trusted.

“Ah, my ma gave me whiskey when I was a lad ‘n I turned out fine...”

As for the ex?

He’d be apathetic when sober - he’s seen it all before.

But drunk?

Someone’s house is getting blown up while a victorious Scottish battle song is played on a crappy MP3 player.

Medic:

Has a real soft spot for children, being a doctor and all, but every person under twelve that isn’t insane gives him a wide girth.

So, for a while, he avoided the baby, only giving it the initial check-up.

However, one night, the baby was crying, and he was the only one awake. He immediately donned his gloves and lab coat and went into the baby’s room, which was a cleaned out supply room with a crib and a few of Pyro’s old toys.

The baby didn’t need anything specific - the new place and the darkness had simply scared it.

Medic reached into crib and tried to pick up the child, but they only screamed louder. He hurriedly took off his gloves and tried again.

The baby calmed a bit, now only whining and whimpering. Medic turned on a lamp and rocked the baby in his arms.

The baby fell back asleep after a while, but Medic kept rocking it for a little longer.

Scout came in at one point, and Medic showed him how to properly hold the baby before disappearing back into his lab.

Ever since then, Medic felt both more affection for the child and more hatred towards the ex.

When he is tired or unmotivated, he sometimes makes little machines of torture in case the ex ever crosses him again.

Sniper:

Doesn’t hate kids, but doesn’t particularly like them, either.

Unless they can properly aim a gun or appreciate Taylor Swift, him and children have nothing in common.

He was actually the one to suggest the break-up to Scout, though, so he feels a little bad for putting his teammate in that position.

He mostly acts as a person for Scout to talk with, especially about being an adult and the feelings he still has for his ex.

“You did the right thing, mate. She made your life a living ‘ell...I’ve seen some pieces ‘a work in my time, but she was the whole bloody museum.”

He definitely has moments with the baby, though, despite his reluctance.

One time, he was cleaning his gun, and cocked it to make sure it moved smoothly.

The baby started giggling, so Sniper cocked his gun again, which sent them into hysterics.

A few minutes later, they were both laughing, and Miss Pauling poked her head in to see them both on the floor, guffawing.

Once Sniper got ahold of himself, he said, “That there is a future mercenary!”

Heavy:

LOVES children, but it took the baby a while to realize that this giant of a man was on their side.

Knows the most about children out of all the mercenaries, and is the go-to for a baby-sitter when Scout has an assignment.

Heavy doesn’t hold anything against the ex, though he doesn’t respect nor condone their actions.

He was the one who discussed the matter with the ex - he was the only one who wouldn’t kill them.

“You are leaving child with man you loved for three months. We will take. Heavy will take. But child now is not yours. You are not ma. You are just stranger. Do not come back. Heavy will break you.”

He also consoled Scout when he was the most upset, building him back up to his old self...well, as much as Heavy could.

Spy:

Really doesn’t like children, but puts up with it for Scout’s sake.

Never holds it, takes care of it, or even looks at it. However, he did stop smoking around it without Pauling even having to ask.

One day, he saw Scout crying outside of the baby’s room. Scout tried to pass it off as fatigue, but Spy, uncharacteristically gentle, stood with him until he could speak without sobbing.

Scout said he couldn’t be a father, and that only a few weeks ago he had blown up the lab, and what would happen if he killed it...!

“Scout.”

Spy put a hand on Scout’s shoulder.

“You may be impulsive, illiterate, vainglorious, a bit self-absorbed, and generally immature...”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Shut up. I’m not finished. But, all of that said, you are not cruel. You are not stupid. You are not vindictive. You took this child, despite everything, and you have taken care of them. You still wish good things upon a broken-off lover, and you took her creation with determination. Many men would leave such an offer on the side of the road or in an abandoned schoolhouse. If you can overcome such a deep loss, you can take care of a child. You are ready.”

“Really?”

“Oui. Besides, you have a doctor, a muscle-bound love bug, and, if all else fails, a woman. You are not alone.”

“Wait, so...you’ll help me change them?”

“Hell no. Well...not yet, anyway. Time will tell.”

Soldier:

Soldier is the one to bring all the supplies, food, and anything else the baby might need anywhere the team would need to take it.

He also buys most of it, since he is so ready to go to a gas station in the middle of the night.

However, this did lead to an odd exchange between him and an old woman.

“Oh, running out for the wife, I see!”

“SCOUT’S A DAD!”

“A...a dad? Oh, are you an uncle? A brother, perhaps?”

“WE’RE ALL DADS!”

“How...how many of you are there?”

“AT LEAST THREE!”

“Oh, mercy...”

When it comes to the baby, both Scout and Miss Pauling are hesitant to leave him alone with it.

Maybe when the kid is a little older.

Pyro:

Would love to hold and play with the baby, but it cries every time they get near it.

They refuse to take off their mask, but Miss Pauling always finds them sadly rocking a bunched up blanket whenever the baby gets freaked out.

In order to combat the problem, Miss Pauling got them a realistic baby doll to hold while the real thing was being passed around.

It definitely helped, but there are still times when they’re a little melancholy about it.

The only way they can really interact with the baby is through their puppet shows.

Since he can’t be understood anyway and no one can see his mask, the baby’s delighted by the shows Pyro puts on.

Pyro is slowly but surely gained the baby’s trust by having a puppet on one hand while holding the baby in the other.

As for the ex, the team has only told them vague things about it. They aren’t sure how they’ll react, and the last thing they need is another criminal trial.

For now, they’re just saying that they found the kid.