#writtenbyJamesKuhtreiber

[nerfwire]

Death Stranding Official Game Guide Just Trying To Figure This Shit Out Too

After a long and suspenseful wait, Hideo Kojima’s highly-anticipated brainchild Death Stranding is finally out on the PS4. At last, all of the invisible monsters, babies in capsules, and Mads Mikkelsen will be explained in full. Or so we thought, anyway: along with the game, we picked up a hardcover copy of the official Death Stranding game guide, which promises on the cover to “do its best.” Read the full article

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Rabbit In Game Never Stood A Fucking Chance

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Man Scrolling Through PUBG Patch Notes Like Ex-Girlfriend's Facebook Page

19-year-old Cameron Rodriguez sits alone in a dark room while idly scrolling through the patch notes for version 4.2—the latest release of PlayerUnkown’s Battlegrounds—on his dusty old desktop. “It can’t hurt to take a look.” Read the full article

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No Man's Sky Just Wants To Talk, Maybe Grab A Coffee

“I mean, it’s got a Mostly Positive on Steam now,” says Duncan Blessington, staring down at his mug of decaf. “I know that people can change and all, but I’ve been hurt in the past. I know it’s just a cup of coffee, but what if that leads to more?” The “more” that Blessington is referring to is a repeat of the biggest let-down in recent gaming history, besides Fallout 76, Anthem, Diablo Immortal and Metal Gear Survive: but let’s move past 2018. The release of No Man’s Sky, after the game’s marketing hyped it beyond any possible expectations, left many excited gamers with a bad taste in the mouth - and a lot of them. Week after release, the game’s steam rating sat at a decisive Overwhelmingly Negative. Read the full article

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I Wouldn’t Have Called Fortnite Gay If I'd Known $3 Million Was On The Line

Alright, here’s the deal: Fortnite was an easy target. I was a little bit naive, and whenever I see something with a colorful palate, I want to insult it. I want to insult it so bad. I had no problems playing PUBG, or Apex. I even share Minecraft with the same young demographic I make fun of for playing Fortnite. Look, I guess what I’m saying is this: I wouldn’t have called Fortnite gay if I knew 3 million dollars was on the line. Read the full article

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The Best Single-Player Games Because Preston Is Being A Dick This Week

Hey, gamers: we’ve all been there. Sometimes you’re just not down for a co-op experience, and you’re looking for a nice single-player journey—but you’re tired of Stardew Valley, and you can’t play Skyrim in case your Mom comes in an sees how you’ve horribly twisted the game to your deepest, deviant desires. Nerfwire’s got your solution—for your lazy Sunday consideration, here’s our five best single-player games because fuck you Preston, you’re not coming back to my house until you pay for the JoyCon controller you broke, and no the joystick wasn’t doing that before you used it. Read the full article

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Incredible: Keanu Reeves Walks Across Lake, Heals Injured Swan By Touch

There are plenty of stories in circulation that paint Keanu Reeves as an absolute saint, like the one where he drove a woman home once, or that he plays hockey. But he might just earn a spot as an actual saint after this: this morning, Keanu Reeves walked across a lake and healed an injured swan by his touch. Read the full article

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Motherboard Needs Exactly One More USB Port

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Nintendo Switch Begins New Life Of Slowly Draining and Recharging Battery

A Nintendo Switch was docked for the last time today after local gamer and new enemy of the state of Japan Barry Palmer discovered that he could emulate almost any Switch game on his PC in 4K.  The Switch console, which Nerfwire will refer to by the last four digits of its serial number, 4668, will now begin a process in which it continually charges and uncharges its battery as Palmer borrows the USB-C charger from the console’s dock until it eventually no longer functions. Read the full article

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Hitman Blows Cover Again Due To Massive Fucking Bar Code Tattoo

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Report: Death Stranding Just A Tab Of LSD In A Box

“This is illegal, right? I don’t think I should have this. In fact, you know what, don’t publish this,” says Mark Tally, who was holding his new copy of Death Stranding during his exclusive Nerfwire interview. “I ordered a game. I mean, I went out and bought a USB CD reader just so I could install the thing. Isn’t acid expensive? This seems like a lot of acid. Please get out of my house right now.” Mark, who is most likely still in possession of a schedule 1 psychedelic, was not alone in his shock to discover a very different game interface upon receiving his physical copy of Hideo Kojima’s new brainchild Death Stranding. While many fans of Kojima’s past works have panned what Kojima Productions is calling an “alternate reality experience, man,” there are several fans we interviewed who loved the risk that the studio took. “This blows the lid off of AR, honestly,” says Cynthia Barlow, who we found in the woods behind our office building. “Pokemon Go is just an embarrassment compared to what they’ve managed to pull off here. I’m just at a part of the game now where all of the trees are Norman Reedus, but I’m also the trees because I’m part of the universe, so I’m also Norman Reedus. There’s a peacock interviewing me and the dialogue options are incredible, it’s like I can say whatever I want. Haven’t seen any throat babies, though. What the fuck was that about? Seriously.” Read the full article

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Generous Audible Gods Grace Podcast With Sponsorship

Bequeathed from the heavens of their head office in Newark, New Jersey, the generous Gods of Audible have graced yet another podcast with the eternal gift of sponsorship. “Go to Audible.com/GamingPodcast#344 for a free Audible ebook,” sings David Marshall, reading from the holy texts that were emailed to him from the prophet info@audible.com. “It really helps out the podcast, so make sure to check it out; and a shoutout to Audible for the sponsorship. Anyway, I know you’re all waiting to hear how we feel about Super Mario 64.” Read the full article

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Counter-Strike Map Labeled “Terrorist Headquarters” Sure Looks Like My House

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Uh Oh: You Said 'Poggers' In A Work Setting And Now Have To Explain What Twitch Is

If you’ve found this article by way of frantic Google searching from the unisex single bathroom at work, you’re in the right place. Let us guess—you said “poggers” when Diane said they got a food truck to come by for lunch, and now you need to explain what Twitch is without having to look for another job. Read the full article