#yeah I’ve got no excuse
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Sitting down to floss and brush my teeth has been lifechanging. On a completely unrelated note how the fuck am I supposed to have this skeleton for several more decades. It’s all over for me lads 😔
#knees hurt. hips hurt. back hurts. wrists hurt. swag#it’s not this bad most of the time but by the end of the day it’s like auuuugh#it really is too bad that I’ve got extreme doctor fears because of the IssuesTM!#and oh yeah I don’t have health insurance LOL…#which I am using as a convenient excuse to avoid going to the doctors LOL#i have some doctor ~traumas~ I think LOL!#im working up to it. it’s glacial. sometime this year maybe?#I went twice as an adult and both times were for health forms for college enrollment#I’ve been to the ER and an urgent care once or twice though so clearly I’m FINE…#this is BAD do not be like me#but it’s only become clear to me in the past year or two that the incidents in my childhood reeeeally affected me#and to have US healthcare be such a profoundly difficult and punitive process basically means I am just never going to like jump through#those hoops only to be confronted with a severe phobia lol#im not saying that’s a reasonable train of thought but it’s more that that’s my subconscious reasoning#but it is a 2024 goal to get seen by a doctor#but the other thing is that it’s so fucking clear to me that they will do NOTHING for either PMDD or my joint pain which are my chief#complaints at the moment#but like i should probably be like getting routine panels and Pap smears :-(#everything’s SO EXPENSIVE…#They’ll be like give me your blood. ok all normal everything is healthy. ok that’ll be literally $200#:-(#ugh I’m upsetting myself just thinking about doctors. ok Goodnight#(with full intention to keep scrolling)
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Y’all think we don’t notice when you draw Tim and Steph side by side and give him a myriad of scars but basically make her Barbie…
#she got beat to death guys#im talking BIG VISUAL scars#but y’all will pull out the most hidden intricate peice of lore to justify giving Tim one#which again nothing wrong with giving him scars I think all of em should have a lot#INCLUDING Duke….I see y’all there too but that one’s the tiniest bit more excusable#don’t take a mile with this tho#but anyways yeah I think if you think ‘who should have scars’ Damian Cass jason and Steph should pop into ur head before anyone else#just bc of the brutality of how they got him#Bruce and Babs Dick cause seniority duh#and like Idk man this is ACTUALLY me being a hater bc logically I’ve read his shit I know Tim’s gone through a lot#but to me he’s still in last place idc 😂#he got his scars from 10-20 everyone else has been through much worse or in the game for far longer man#naur that’s ACTUALLY me just hating lemme relax
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Sometimes I’m in a momentary panic of “oh fuck I don’t wanna age” and then I remember that hell yeah I do. I wanna be one of those people who go to pride events n shit, that are old enough to be the mom to anyone there, and be giving hugs like the guys in those videos.
Tryna be a helpful little role model for the youngins, so I gotta look the part. You feel me? Need a little costume
#I must don the appropriate mortal skin#and if that appropriate skin is the flesh of a middle aged woman. I will wait#I WANNA BE THE OLD LADY THAT BAKES COOKIES FOR THE MEW NEIGHBORS :(#I wanna be so gentle and caring and understanding#it’s 1 am and I feel so sentimental but GEJSVS#STOP THE WAY IT AUTOCORRECTED RO A DIFFERENT KEYBOARD SMASH#but like. :(#lowkey can’t wait. I’m gonna be a little history teacher also so I have an excuse to bring an Aztec death whistle to class :) <33#I’m so excited. I love possiblities#IM NOT SUPER GOAL ORIENTATED. I DONT HAVE DREAMS ONLY HOBBIES BUT LIKE.#yeah I can dream to be this. ahhhh <33#I’M GONNA BE FOUND DEAD IN MY HOUSE WITH 5 SNAKES LOLOLOL AHHHH I GOT PLANS#this is the first time I’ve been able to imagine a future for myself. is it obvious#I’m gonna be the neatest death ever. both meanings. just wait#(NOT NOW THO I WANNA GET TO BE AN OLD LADY)#sometimes I worry abt my body deteriorating w age but I wanna run people over w my wheelchair and smack them w my cane#I wanna babysit and take the kids on a ‘walk’ (we’re just riding in my wheelchair)#pro aging#old age#aspirations#personal#lgbtqia+#lgbtq#lgbt
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1:30am. plagued by thoughts of michael and everything going on in his tiny 10-13 year old head :(
#like obviously. problems and issues then on and before SKDJFMG#but yeah while a lot of his behaviors as a young teenager are influenced by home life (ranging based on portrayals but i always make sure#it’s got similar roots and feelings) as well as social standing a LOTTTTT OF IT is very extremely tied to mental illness that did not get#acknowledgement or treatment.. that was the age his very intense depression started to come in Swinging along with increased anxiety/panic#and. neurodivergence is still a greyer area because it’s definitely there in the way i write him but how it mixes with ptsd#(plus the question of how much of that is just. Me LMAO) always has me ??? about making the call i’ve talked about this#BUT YOU GET THE POINT THERE’S A LOT!!!#he’s gutwrenchingly depressed and in pain and has been TAUGHT by observance and emotional neglect and [insert other aftonisms here] to Bury#that and is so convinced his emotions are a sign of weakness and That’s Why He’s Not Good Enough so he compensates however he can#and there’s no excuse for what it snowballs into but ohh my god JUST GET THAT BOY ON SSRIS#he didn’t even have the words for so much of it but there were so many aspects of himself that he was utterly convinced made him wrong#his actions become as drastic as they do because it’s EVERYTHING around him reinforcing the root problem#how am i supposed to sleep when im sick about him#⁂ ･ﾟ: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc
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FINALLY
after the longest two and a half months of my life it’s here
YOUR KIERAN FIC IS HERE
I repeat
KIERAN FIC IS HERE
well the prologue and first chapter anyways
Read tags as to why it’s late
#pokemon kieran#pokemon dlc#this is more of an excuse than a reason but#didn’t expect my mental health to decline so badly#personal reasons but I’ve just been thinking things I’ve been thinking of acting on but thankfully didn’t#also: writer’s block#writing so many essays took out my creative slot#anyways yeah#*cries in a corner*#so (insert comma but not an actual comma) sorry to the readers who waited but never got it till now
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Okay I know it’s super cliche and shit but I love the “this guy bullies this person cuz they love them” trope. Just like, “oh shit this guy is a bitch I don’t wanna fuck with them” while the other is like “did they find that cool? Intimidating? Am I doing this right why am I panicking what do I do” It’s delicious.
Now shove my blorbo in there somewhere and whatever comes out I shall put on my gravestone.
#fnf agoti#tropes#wouod this be considered whump?#I’m putting the tag anyway just in case#whump#but like fr. You can pry this trope from my cold dead fully decayed skeletal hands. You can even revive me just to kill me again and I-#won’t let go#fnf#friday night funkin#and I like to imagine Agoti as the bully and Tabi or Ayana as his victim#And he’s just like “hehe you suck” around them and alone he’s like “please tell me I’m doing this right idk how to do romance”#and everyone else is super confused like “yeah he’s usually a bully but why is he giving this one specific person so much attention-#And ignoring his other victims?”#if you couldn’t tell I’m in a phase rn#also kind of caused by the fact that I’m 95% sure I’ve got a gf :D#Please excuse me if I say this a lot I’m just very excited especially since this is my first (mostly) official relationship
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#me watching my phone fall off my second story landing for the third time
HEY STAGE?????????? WHAT????????
It’s happened twice and still hasn’t broken #iphone13
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the older I get the more I am convinced that nothing any man has to say has any value to me
#personal#I literally only watch video essays by women femmes and enbies#hbomberguy and tim rogers are the only exceptions#especially men that I know irl#I basically have zero patience now for men that have no emotional intelligence#like bro I’ve been on this shit since I was 14 catch the fuck up#like yeah patriarchy hurts but I got through it what’s your excuse?
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kinda hate that my go-to non-merch clothing store choices are vans and hollister like we GET it im fucking californian
#their shit is surprisingly good quality and they often have good sales what can I say#but yeah also it’s a style thing. if I’m not dressing like a scene kid im dressed like a california santa cruz ass sk8r boy or surfer boy#i just ordered a few new things from hollister and im looking forward 2 it because the ripped jeans I got last year from there are like.#the best jeans I’ve owned since outwardly transitioning#which. I guess doesn’t say much on the surface cause I’ve only had like. three pairs of jeans in that time. but LOOK it IS significant#because finding jeans that fit right as a trans guy- even one who’s almost 2 years on t- can be a Struggle.#that + my weight = it’s difficult to find places that carry men’s pants in my size a lot of the time (26w x 30l)#sometimes a 28w fits depending on the place but. yeah it’s usually closer to 26. I have a tiny waist and decently longish legs#not complaining I like that about myself generally and I’m definitely thankful I’m somewhat close to average male height (only 2 inches#under the average in the us- im 5’7) but still#in other news I still need a new binder (preferably two really) but now I’m worried I spent too much money on the pants and stuff#I need a fucking job. so. bad#at least I have excuses for the hollister order- really good sale + I needed new pants and a business casualish shirt for job/job interview#related stuff. I cant keep wearing my fucking funeral clothes to job interviews and the pants I was using fit Bad#kibumblabs#no one needed to know all this I am just rambling in my diary that is tumblr dot com don’t mind me
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ohhhh desperately need to leave this house before i kill myself I fear it’s coming 🤣🤣
#had kind of a huge fight w my mom over like mental#illness and like I ended up letting out all the anger I feel at the fact that she didn’t take me to the hospital to get diagnosed when I was#15 despite me begging her to. so I had to wait til I went to university to get diagnosed. which is 90% of the reason I’m struggling to live#so much nowadays. and obviously she was like. uh I don’t remember that! and the more detail I told her the quieter and less defensive she#got. bc she knows I’m right.#this all started bc one of her friends’ older son just got diagnosed w schizophrenia and she was like if that was me I wouldn’t have stuck#by him so long I would’ve kicked him out long ago . and I snorted and I was like yeah I know you wouldn’t have just like you didn’t for me#nd I told her to just stop talking about shit she doesn’t know fucking anything about. bc obviously she doesn’t think her friend’s son is#actually sick. im talking SICK sick like meds won’t work and he keeps getting in serious trouble w the law. and my mom is an asshole she#thinks all sick ppl use it as an excuse bc she thinks only her life experiences are valid#im soo fucking sick of it#I’ve wasted my entire life trying to educate her about shit and it just doesn’t stick she just goes and babies herself and im miserable#for my entire existence#I can’t do it anymore like any of it I want to get out of here and live my stupid life#without somebody who reminds me every day that they think I’m a waste of existence lmao#mrow.org
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so annoyed man, i looked so cute today when we went out for lunch and i got to go to the comic book store that’s near my house and the cute girl that works there that totally wasn’t the reason i wanted to go in the first place (totally) wasn’t there today so i looked cute for nothing :/
#i’m not saying i dressed up just to see her#i’m also just dramatic and i like putting on shoes that hurt my feet that i have not broken in yet so i can wear a cute outfit#but yeah#time to wait another month to have an excuse to go in there :/#i got some comics i’ve been wanting for awhile though so that’s nice :)
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My dad has Covid again, and I have a feeling that my mom and I probably do too since we all live in the same house, his symptoms started Friday but he didn’t test until like 10 minutes ago and has just been sitting in our living room unquarantined from us, so I feel like I should just go ahead and call into work
#which is fucking annoying because first thing yesterday morning when I saw him and he sounded HORRIBLE & then started with this awful cough#i told him to test and he made dumb excuses about it even though we had a spare rapid test#so now I’ve probably got it which means I have to call out of work this week which sucks for my paycheck#but also sucks for my job because we have legitimately 3 people that open regularly (including me) and one of the others is on vacation like#out of the country all week#so they’re kinda fucked#but I’m feeling congested#my mom kept saying ‘it could just be a cold your dad gets a cough when he has a cold’ but not like this! this cough sounds the same as the#last time he had Covid!! which I said it then too that it was a Covid cough and not his normal one#so yeah but at least if I’ve got it I’ll have nothing but time this week to finish up the Haechan fic and read some books
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I hate that it genuinely seems more feasible and realistic for me to just live in daydreams for the rest of my life, all I rly need is basic food and the most basic place to live and then I just spend the rest of my days daydreaming about the life I wish I could be living
I daydream vividly enough and the life I want isn’t obtainable so in that sense it kinda feels like just a more accessible way of living, it just sounds so sad and feels sad when I rly think about it
#personal#idk I’ve been becoming more aware lately of the fact that I rly am just trapped#I’m not lazy. I’m not making excuses. I got bound to something I couldn’t consent to at the time and now I’m stuck like this#not elaborating fully but tldr medical issues+being on disability+my moms sole occupation being taking care of me#so yeah. at this point I may as well embrace the daydreams where I can do whatever I want yknow
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men are so scary :(
#i caught a guy staring at the house just now#i don’t know if it’s the same man who walked onto the property that one time?#but yeah i went to take the trash out and saw him standing there facing away from the house. after a sec he walked across the street#and when i came back to bring the recyclables out he was back on this side of the street#staring directly at the playroom window#for like a good while#and when he noticed me he walked down a bit towards where some bushes concealed him#real casual#it’s fucking weird and now i’m paranoid#he was holding a red bag over his shoulder and didn’t acknowledge me once#i’ve made sure everything is locked and i’m checking every window and their dog is very skittish so i’d know if someone approached#it’s just unnerving#not knowing what someone is thinking#i should have said excuse me but i didn’t have my phone with me and got so paranoid over getting back to the house#ugh#anyways.txt
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Y’all my work place has been absolute shit to a working mother lately on top of not taking racism claims seriously and constant scare tactics instead of using mistakes as teaching moments and I’ve been wanting to quit so I put in my two weeks today because the coworker that’s been treated like shit also is quitting and it kinda gave me a push and my store manager texted me telling me my experiences are wrong and trying to make my coworker look bad 😐 said he’d forward it to upper management with his statements of proof but little does he know I’m contacting HR tomorrow with my statements of proof you’re not scaring me off
#bro said he never used scare tactics and then proceeds to use a scare tactic#also like we got a review saying someone experienced discrimination and I heard the store manager make excuses as to why the customer was#wrong and didn’t actually get discriminated against 😐#and then to make me feel dumb in the text he was like “umm that claim happened when the coworker you love was on the clock so#and I’m sitting there like. bro I HEARD you LAUGH about it. idk how she responded because she never talked to me about it I only know you#and the other two managers’ reactions and only one of y’all cared! that’s bullshit!!#and I’m sorry she has a toddler and a newborn and they keep getting sick and she’s trying to juggle taking care of them and work#she was the only employee left that had been there over a year#and y’all tell everyone she doesn’t wanna work ask why her fiancé can’t watch the kids and then say you’ll cover her shift then stand in the#back all day to make her look bad#like her fiancé has a job too her family isn’t available and the toddler rn can’t go to daycare because of a bad rash#she gives her all man and yeah she worked the day of that racism claim but so did the person who yelled at a deaf person#while it’s more likely it was the mom coworker I won’t rule out that fact that it could’ve been but she shouldn’t be treated like shit over#taking care of her kids. if there was an investigation and she was racist then she would’ve been terminated (hopefully)#but also just the amount of times I’ve gotten a ‘hey team’ text and dreaded opening it#because he always paints himself as perfect and then doesn’t give us tips to improve#it’s just don’t make this mistake again or you’re fired#and most of the time the mistakes were just that because we were never taught NOT to do that#like stacking certain discounts and taking certain returns etc etc#plus the two managers under the store manager and minus the mom coworker just constantly start drama and lie#it’s so frustrating because I never know if I should trust their word or not#and then they don’t finish their work and claim that it was someone else’s work#so that they can claim they did all their work but the other manager didn’t but then the other one says the SAME THING#I am working with adult children and a shitty elementary teacher#well not anymore because I’m not finishing my two weeks thanks to that manipulative text#idk what you expect when you text your employee saying that actually you’re wrong and I won’t let upper management think you’re right#so tempted to just text back ‘have fun finding people to cover me’#I’m just an associate so like I don’t have to be there#but teehee if you’re gonna be an asshole I will too#I’m mostly just pissed tbh especially after everyone acting like the one manager walked out and quit when she had a mental health problem
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