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amor-immortalem · 3 years

Text

I Think I'm OKAY

genre: Angst, hurt comfort

length: two parter

warning(s): Feelings of abandonment, self-depreciating thoughts, suicidal thoughts (briefly), feelings of not being good enough, feelings of being unneeded and unloved

A/N: its just been a day guys. And Ive been think about this all day so I just wrote to get tge thoughs out of my head.

this takes place a few months after the epilogue of Everything Undesired where Azalea is still coming to grips with the fact that she's not her father's heir like she always thought she had been. Mammon and Arella really did try to make time for her but things just never worked out in their favor and it ended up giving their daughter abandonment issues.

She’s lost. Not physically but mentally- Azalea doesn’t know where to go or what her purpose is. Ever since her older brother returned from where ever the hell he’s been her whole life, she’s felt more alone than ever before. From her parents being busier than ever helping Cyrus readjust to life here in the Devildom to her twin brother being curious enough about their new older brother to spend all his time trying to get to know him, no one has time for Azalea any more.

Whenever she tries to reach out to either her parents or her brother she gets blown off. It’s always ‘I’m sorry, I couldn’t make it.’ or ‘I’m sorry, I forgot that was today.’ Forgot? How does one just forget about their child? And Azalea is sorry too. She’s sorry for existing. Maybe everyone is just tired of her. Maybe they didn’t need her anymore? After all, she was just her father’s back up plan. A back up plan. Yeah, it sounded as bad as it hurt- to think that’s the only reason he kept her around all this time. Despite how she might try, all she could ever do is fuck up. Why would her parents ever need a child like that?

She feels abandoned, unneeded. All she ever wanted was to make them proud- she pushed herself to maintain the perfect grades just for their praise. Hell, she’d even forced herself to take advanced placement and honors courses just for their approval but they hadn’t even noticed. And it’s not like she hadn’t tried to show them. The last report card she got in her last year of middle school had a note attached to it stating that when she entered RAD, she’d be welcomed into the advanced courses but of course they had been too busy to even look. Both of her parents assumed nothing had changed so they just didn’t need to see something they had seen hundreds of times already.

Why did they stop loving me? The half-demon thinks to herself, Was it all the fights? Was I not good enough for them? I wish I could make them happy the way my brothers do. I wish I was perfect like them, maybe then they wouldn’t have forgotten about me. Maybe I would still belong. What did I do wrong? Azalea can feel the tears dripping down her face. I’m crying? Again? Pathetic. People like me don’t cry.

She hurriedly wipes them away as she looks up at the stars that dot the night sky of the Devildom. She’s pretty high up on a rooftop. She wonders if a fall from this height might kill her or would it just leave her badly injured- the idea’s tempting. She’d come up here to clear her mind and sort out her feelings with how things had changed- how everything she thought she was meant to be had been ripped away from her, but it had just made things worse. She thought she was okay with all this change but after trying for months to find something new to do with the rest of forever, she found out the only thing she was ever any good at was getting into fights. Sure, she’d taken up sports on her uncle Beel’s suggestion but that led to even more pain when time after time, neither of her parents could be bothered show up.

Her phone lights up with a text from her father.

Dad:

Why weren’t ya at dinner today?

Azalea:

Why weren’t you and Mum at my meet today? Ya know like you promised ya would be?

Dad:

‘Zay c’mon don’t be like that. We said we were sorry but something important came up and we couldn’t make it

Azalea:

Sure whatever you say old man

Its what you always say

It's always something more important ain’t it?

Something more important than me.

Dad:

Azalea

Azalea:

Shove it old man. I don’t wanna hear it right now.

She always gets the short end of the stick. For parents that claim they care about her, they sure had a shitty way of showing it. As the family’s resident trouble maker, she’s not good enough for them. Whatever, she doesn’t even need them anyway. She deserves better than a family that doesn’t care. A family she no longer has a place in. And that was fine by her. Now that she’d finally admitted it to herself, she found it would be easier to ignore her entire family and live life depending on only herself.

With a shuddering huff, the girl shuts her D.D.D off and shoves it in her jacket pocket. She leaves the roof top, still in tears headed for the House of Lamentation.

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“Arella, I have to go and find our daughter.” Mammon sighs as he gets his jacket on.

“She’s still upset about the track meet, isn’t she?” The black-haired human frowns “If you’ll give me a moment, I can ask Aurelius if he’ll watch Mahlon and I’ll go with you. This is something we should address together.”

“I don’t think we got the time to waste, Hon. She stopped respondin’ ta my texts and isn’t answerin’ her phone. If I don’t go now, she might so something to herself. I’ll be able to cover more ground quicker if I fly since she could be anywhere- even up high where we wouldn’t be able to see her that easily.”

“Then go on, I’ll talk to her when she gets home.” Arella nods as her husband leaves.

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She enters her room through the garage door entrance. She really didn’t need to considering Azalea was the only one home currently. She knew Aurelius and Zulima would be gone for the rest of the weekend but still she locked her door to prevent any unwanted visitors- mainly her parents as she knew they’d probably come looking for her after the message she’d sent to her father earlier.

She looked over at the stack of unopened akuzon boxes- all gifts sent to her by her parents as ‘apologies’ for various things. Yeah sure, gifts were nice when they were for things like birthdays or Christmas but not when they were used as a way to placate her feelings when her parents missed things like track meets or science fairs or school functions that they promised they would be there for. It felt like a shallow apology so Azalea never opened any of them. They were starting to collect dust now.

Just because greed is her sin doesn’t mean its satisfied by material objects alone. There was more to it than that. Her sin specifically manifests with being greedy for healthy interpersonal relationships- things like money or material objects only did the bare minimum to help keep it under control and satisfied. She wanted her parents’ attention and only that so when they failed to keep their promises, it hurts her deeper than either of them understands- Azalea doesn’t even have the words to describe how it hurts her.

As she plops down on her sectional and flips on the projection of stars and constellations from the human world to calm herself down, she thinks about the way her greed is eating her alive as she turns on some music- a song her friend from the human world showed her called ‘I Think I’m Okay’. It was a song she really related to for some reason. As the song plays on loop, she thinks about how when she was younger- before her youngest brother was born- she was always of healthy weight and body condition. Nowadays with the lack of ability to satisfy her sin, she was just skin and bone. Despite eating constantly, she always feels like she’s starving and she’d be lucky if she weighed in at 90 pounds soaking wet- all of it coming from the weight of her bones and muscle. Her body is just burning through everything too fast and at this point Azalea doesn’t know whether or not she even has the energy to waste to transform into her demon form anymore.

The half-demon hears a faint knock at the door. Maybe if she doesn’t answer then whoever it is will get the hint and go away. As she watches the door open, a scowl appears on her face. Of course her father would pick the lock on her door. She doesn’t know why she’s even surprised right now. He never knows when to leave well enough alone.

“We need to talk...” Mammon says as he sits down on the couch next to her.

“I don’t wanna. Get lost.” the teenager rolls on to her side away from her father.

“Too bad. I’m not leavin’ until we do.”

“Then prepare ta die in here cuz I refuse.” She can’t let him fool her into accepting his apology when she knows full well he doesn’t mean it.

“You really are just like your ma sometimes- stubborn as all get out.” He sighs. “I see ya never opened yer packages. Why?”

She continued to ignore him. How can she get out of this? Maybe if she closed her eyes, she could fool him into thinking she was asleep.

Just get frustrated and leave already. It’s what ya always do when I won’t talk to ya.

She waits an hour, two, three but still he doesn’t leave.

Man is this getting annoying! Why won’t he just give up and go home already?

“Well, since ya won’t talk, I will. Ya know, Mom and I really are sorry we couldn’t be there this afternoon... I know you’re upset about it but we got called to an emergency meeting at the castle and we... kinda... forgot what time it was by time we were done. I know we don’t have a lot of time to spend with ya anymore but things are just so crazy right now... it’s difficult and when ya act like a brat like this it doesn’t make things any easier.” And Mammon realizes too late that he’s said the wrong thing and put his foot in his mouth.

“Right... cuz that’s all I am is a spoiled brat...” Azalea can’t help the way her voice quakes. “I’m a brat because I asked for you and mum to pay attention to me over the boys just this once and you two let me down and now, I’m getting blamed for being as upset as I am. Yeah, that makes perfect sense.”

“Azalea, that’s not what I meant and you know that,” Mammon places his hand on her shoulder to turn her over and is shocked when all he feels is bone and muscles that are beginning to atrophy. “What are you doing to yourself? Yer nothin’ but skin an’ bone, Baby.”

“I’M NOT THE ONE WHOSE DOING THIS TO ME!” she roars as she hops up from the couch. “IT’S YOU TWO. YOU’RE THE ONES DOING THIS TO ME!” and then her voice suddenly drops. “But you would notice that if you spent more than five seconds with me. My greed is eating me alive and it’s your fault. I’ve tried for months to get you or Mum to spend time with me and I get forgotten about every time because something ‘more important’ comes up or you also make plans with Aurelius or Cyrus and choose to do that over spending time with me. It’s either that or you both choose Mahlon over me and it’s literally killing me. I get that they all need you guys too and I’m not more important than them but it feels like they’re more important to you than me. And I hate it because...” She lets out a sob as she sinks to her knees, “Because you two are the most important people to me.”

Mammon looks at his daughter with a horrified look on his face. His only daughter feels like she’s not important to them but she was right in a way. Both he and Arella had been choosing her brothers over her- not intentionally but he can see why she would come to that conclusion. This was a very crucial time in her life having had everything she thought she was taken away and she was lost with no clue where to go. He and her mother should have been right by her side, helping her find a new path in life this whole time but instead they got so wrapped up in work and other things that now their daughter was suffering the consequences.

“No, baby that’s not true.” The demon says as he wraps his little girl up in his arms. “You are so important to us too.” He rubs her back as he rocks her back and forth, “We love you so much and I’m so sorry we haven’t made ya feel like that. We’re gonna do better from now on. I promise, okay?”

Azalea is hesitant to nod. How many times had she heard the word promise and then had that promise broken but even now as she’s wrapped up in her father’s arms, she’s starting to feel the overwhelming weight of her sin slowly start to go away. She just rests her head against his chest as her puffy teary blue to gold eyes start to slip closed ever so slowly.

“Sweet dreams, Princess.” He says as he runs he hand through her hair and places a kiss to the top of her head.

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Find more on my masterlist

#obey me next gen #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me swd #obey me! shall we date?#obey me angst #obey me mammon #mammon angst #om! mammon #obey me oc #arella #azalea

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semiconducting · 4 years

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just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical.

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class.

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other.

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh).

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else.

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove.

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around.

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was.

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

#shut up mega #this ended up being longer and more in depth abt the earlier half of the year than i meant it LOL #a summary of my 2020 i spose #also there's some kinda detailed talk of #suicide ment -#self harm ment -#IM CRYING AFTER WRITING THIS OUT LMAOOOO

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zeravmeta · 5 years

Text

Ok so, my thoughts on the VR ending and VR overall as the 6th entry.

Also because most of my thoughts aren't...complimentary im editing the names so they dont appear in the general tag. This also got LONG so readmore.

The Good:

- A//i's character still managed to be the one thing that saves VR as a show for me. Even with all the weird...contradictory plot issues, A//i still manages to be a compelling character who brings up the question of the right to live. I actually do like how he made it so itd be an ultimatum that he loses in either way, even if the ending kinda ruins the weight behind the action (which I will get to in a bit).

The meh:

-the ending was left somewhat open to interpretation which for a show as...empty as this was works out but honestly it was so vague as to A//is fate is that it may as well not exist.

The Bad:

-The main conflict behind the entire show is...simulations. No joke. Every conflict in the show can be traced back to someone doing a simulation and deciding to lose it. Even if they gave the (rather stupid) explanation that AI experience simulations like actual life (which btw the first villain wasnt an AI so this reason doesnt work), the fact that Yu//sa//ku took a bullet for one of A//is robot bodies that he literally has millions of is...just stupid and there solely for the "uwu drama".

-They actually killed A//i off but wait hes actually alive, so like the final duel literally had no purpose aside from...drama??? The episode is called Compromise and yet A//i had to lose just to keep Yu//sa///kus win streak and theres no compromise whatsoever. Yu//sa//ku litetally destroys the CompromA.I.se card so its just, no comrpomise in any way.

-This....wasn't a happy ending??? I have no idea why both the show and the fanbase frame this as a happy ending bc think about it in context: A//i pretty much loses everything, so does Yu//sa//ku who just isolated himself from everyone else for 3 months in order to comb the network for whatever remnants of A//i exist.

- So many of the supporting characters are just...there. Like, there is no side/supporting character who actually has a character arc in this show. Lets go through the list: Ao//i is pretty much the same character as when she started and goes through 2 unnecessary costume changes for a character growth that isnt there because she has literally ONE victory against an opponent that was stated multiple times to be weak and faulty and have her lose and tortured multiple times for no reason whatsoever, G//o had this weird deterioration that may have lead to something but ultimately didn't, Ak//ira is pretty much the same, J//in has ALL HIS TRAUMA ERASED SO THERES THAT, literally the only side characters who have some sembalnce of an arc are Sho//ichi (the best one anyways) from his "betrayal" in S2, and E//ma with her reconciliation with her brother. Outside of that, nothing. Yu//sa//ku, Re//volv//er and Ho//mu//ra are pretty much the only characters with an arc and even then they're not too solid? Which brings me to-

- Yu//sa//ku has been so wildly ooc since the end of S1. Ive seen so many say that his enphasis on bonds and friendship are character growth but actually looking at the sequence of events he suddenly just like. changes completely around his first duel with Ea//rth. Plus, the message of "revenge is good" was always so weird? Like, he got his revenge so all his trauma is ok now and never brought up or explored again aside from within the first 20 episodes. Theres nothing about it after that and its never built upon. The whole point of a revenge arc is to show that its BAD and yet he starts preaching that revenge is wrong AFTER he successfully gets revenge??? And even then its not exactly a revenge as it is more lashing out since it was Ko//ga//mi who was behind it all. Yu//sa/ku was definitely at his strongest characterization in S1 where we see how badly the Lo//st Incid//ent hurt him but S1 had its own share of problems that led into S2 and so many random plot threads that never went anywhere (such as the Anot//her Incid//ents, the Cy//berse deck being irl despite that A//i didnt have a physical body before then, The Bl//ue Mai//den meetup that was repeated by Nao//ki like 10 times in S2 which seemed to be leading up to something but never did, and the fact that theres 4 recap episodes in S1 already spelled some early problems). So much of the supporting cast function to just say "he turned this whole situation around...with ONE card..." i kid you not watch back every Yu//sa//ku duel I GUARANTEE you'll see someone saying hes a great duelist and serve only that purpose. ALSO THE END OF THE SHOW IS JUST MORE DRAMA?? They make him suffer for no reason other than that they can??? What purpose does his suffering at the end serve aside from just "uwu...poor baby..."???

-Re//volv//er is not a good rival. At all. He's so incredibly bland because much like Yu//sa//ku he was at his strongest characterization in S1 where he actually had some solid motivation in continuing his fathers work and being unable to accept that his dad was evil, yet most of that just flies out the window with all the collateral he's willing to inflict with the K//O//H?? All his character amounts too post S1 is "yeah i told you robots are evil and YOU didnt believe me". The most we got of him growing out of this mindset was calling A//i by his name exactly one time and nothing ever again. Also the fact that in the end we see him and his crew working for S//O//L despite the fact that they were gonna turn themselves in for their crimes just. leaves a rotten taste in my mouth. hes not a good rival at all. All he proves to me is that a good design can get anyone to like a character.

- Ho//mu//ra is...there. I literally cant say anything about him because he absolutely has the strongest motivations of the three but then the show jumps through hoops to push him to the back of the other two. He also has a bunch of early victories I do feel are undeserved (ESPECIALLY the A//oi duel that one pissed me off so much). Also the fact that the show just made him Yu//sa//kus friend immediately whereas it took Sho//ichi several months to get Yu//sa//ku to warm up to him just had me :/.

-The speed duels were a cool concept but they just became these huge cheat fests? Seriously Play//Maker uses StAccess literally every speed duel to pull out a new monster from whatever plot holes the writers need to patch up. I am not kidding. You can go back to every single speed duel Yu//sa//ku was in and youll see this. Skills just werent a good mechanic because when a protag pulls a new card its supposed to be representative of some growth/characterization but he stays the same pretty much throughout the entire show up until S2 where he wildly just switches personality. Plus the fact that Que//en could literally use a skill whenever just shows that it was cheating???

- The villains were overall lackluster. Boh//man was the best because Re//volv//er is just flat whereas A//i struck me more as an anti hero. And again: simulations are the enemy. Light//ning ran one and decided to go ham. Kog//ami ran one and decided to go ham. A//i ran one and decided to go ham. The conflicts are all the same and it just makes things happen rather than following a consistent plot thread? I will say that Boh//mans characterization of a hive mind to become perfect does strike my tastes but thats more my personal preference in villains rather than any merit he has.

- This is a bit of a personal pet peeve but I've seen some of the praise to this show about being the "darkest Y//G//O to date so therefore its good" and im just...no? Edge does not make a good show and just because they lightly focused on the tragedy in Yu//sa//kus life (and it IS lightly because its barely touched upon after mid S1) most of the stuff that happens in this show is pretty tame in comparison? The most that happened here was an attempted global hack of everyones minds from S2 and destroying the internet in S1, with a few references to the torture that happened during the Lo//st incid//ent. To compare: the previous series had this huge interdimensional war that, even if they could reverse the carding of people (which makes Den//nis' attempted suicide even more tragic), ended with an entire dimensions full of brainwashed soldier children, a dimension with huge class inequality that was still being heavily worked upon since there were canonically slaves, and a dimension that was savaged by a genocide and total global destruction. Hell, the series before that had a huge war where the arc actually did focus on the tragedys the characters faced and held consequence (even if they pulled a dbz revive everyone at the end). And as far back into the very first series there were even more graphic depictions of war and death? Idk i feel like people are overplaying the edge here just to find a way to complement this show.

Overall:

I'm...genuinely dissappointed. VR really had so many strong starting points but it all just fell apart at execution. Really the only reason I even bothered to watch it as kong as I did was because Im a longtime fan of the series and wanted to give it a chance rather than jump on whatever love/hate train the show has. Its been rated poorly on the JP side and most of the approval is a vocal minority. Just to be clear: this isnt me bashing the show, my opinions are mine and you can agree or disagree to any capacity, and even if a show isnt well written you can still find a reason to enjoy it despite the flaws.

But if Im being perfectly honest? I do not like this show. It's rushed, choppy, has no consistent or clear plot threads, most of the genuinely interesting characters are wasted for the protagonist to look better and he never really does because he ALSO has an interesting idea behind him but it never goes anywhere. It started strong but ended so poorly. Id be angry but im more dissappointed because Ive watched this show from day 1 and wanted to see the good things it has rather than focus on the negatibes but. yeah. This show really had potential and yet it just fell flat.

#zerav meta #zerav review #vr review #i really went ham on this one

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one-more-for-the-sky · 7 years

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[01/12/18, Friday]

its day 11 it started out rocky again due alarm problems. what the hell! it's been ringing at 850! im supposed to be out the door by 850 or sooner but 850 is definitely the latest i can leave the house that i could speed into work. but mom needed me to come home anyway (yeah i work for my mom. its good work and i take it seriously and anyone who wants to look down on me for it can suck it; i'm doing the best i can right now with all the coliding mental stuff. i'll talk about later on in this entry) John left some of his notes on a certain issue one of our clients is having at the house and i picked them up. kind of lucky there. we loligagged a little. i took out our new pet bunny. she's surprisingly very cuddly for a bunny. i have no prior bunny experiences mind you but still. not what i expected from a large rodent. or any rodent or smaller than a cat like animal. my gliders are certainly not that well behaved though i don't expect it either, energetic and lithe creatures that they are. still she is more endearing than i anticipated. i still am not very fond of rabbits but this one is okay. we chatted for a minute about my baby sister's room. and i was off with the notes and to grab john some water and get gas (not in that order). fridays are my favorite because its a slow day and people generally dont bother me much.

the last bits of yesterday where kind of exhausting and i find myself really challenged by the excuitive function disorder i have. i kept thinking about where i want to put this or that and thought to myself, just do it! but ultimately didn't. i rewarded myself too early. to my credit, i was exhausted. but still. today i will try to work first THEN reward myself. it is a habit of mine and it enables my EFD (excuitive function disorder). so basicly i just played a lot of video games yesterday.

i just feel jittery and unfocused for right now. hopefully it will change.

the house is a mess of laundry. i am sensing a much needed "20 minutes of cleaning" (read: 120 minutes of cleaning) from mom which is a chance for attitude from everyone. not excited. so when i get home, i'll definitly clean first. i think i'll start with tiding up the dinning room because that's really how you can tell if the house is in dire straits. If the dinning room is messy then it is time for a family cleaning session. i didn't even make the mess. i would agree to cleaning the kitchen or do the laundry but nothing else, but that's not going to fly, really. i should either start in the music room or the dinning room... Probably the dinning because you see it when you walk in and its the most visible eye sore, and then the dinning and move to the kitcheny part the den, the den i'll leave to vannah and mom. savannah's stuff is littered across the floor and even for me, its agrovating to look at. but i have to remind myself that my baby sister is probably worse of than me when it comes to EFD and adhd. there is definitly going to be a fight about that, i can feel it. i hope im wrong though.

mom suggested i log what i end up eating. at the time, i was offended by the suggestion. sounds silly but you have to keep in mind the historical obsession about my weight and food intake my mother has expressed over the years, sense i was small and still very impressionable. i still don't really know what to make of it, all the dietary routine changes i was mad to go though and shamed for. i was 13! 14! 15! I was young and still growing. i was in an important part of my developing as a person and myself worth, and what did i learn? that im too thick. i didn't really think i was at the time, but how can i say no to the person driving me around and im not in charge of my destination? it was wholy unfair... im not really saying that this is the root of all my self-esteam issues but it didn't help. not only did my peers see me as imperfect and flawed, so did my family. its hard to think about. i try to forget. so therefore the suggestion of working out, of listing what i eat or anything else by mom is offensive initially. in hindsight, yeah it a good idea. i just hate to admit it because of the implications.

speaking of my peers, my social/educational/school experience in childhood? fucking. awful. about the time i was in 3rd grade i really started to notice people didn't like me much. i can't remember much else than that. i know i wasn't a popular person in 1st or 2nd grade and i'm not even going to count kindergarden, but 3rd grade is where most of my memory begins. my teacher didn't even like me then. said i was a trouble maker and a bad person. not to me, but she made the mistake of saying that to my mother. why did she say that? because i decided i was going to clean up the class room. she said i was a manipulitive little trouble maker for cleaning her class room. this is were my earliest descriminations against me and my adhd and learning disablities really begins and i remember it. forget about my peers for a moment; my teacher hated me for reasons i didn't even know or understand. i wasn't even that hyperactive like some with adhd, but i did have an issue with attention and being a little disruptive with my best friend. at the time, pokemon was the new wild thing and i was utterly obsessed my friend was too, but that was my doing. instead of paying attention, we were playing. i was just a kid being a kid. when it came to start doing the standardized state testing, no one explicitly stated how important these tests were. i seem to remember someone saying that they were just practice and didn't count towards a grade and i thought oh okay, so its okay to mess up. so much so, i chrismas treed the whole thing. the whole goddamn thing, i just put in random bubbles just because i wanted it done and out of the way of whatever. well. that was the catalyst to a lot of issues i had from then on. without the consent of my mother or any discussion to anyone, they placed me and my friend in a "special ed" class, where you basically just colored stuff and glued stuff together and what not. i was in this class for half of a year before our parents found out and were enraged. upon finding out, they rained hot fiery war upon the school, they tried to cover it by saying how worried they were, that weren't sure i could even read. they didn't do any testing. they didn't ask me or my mother anything. long story short, that's a lot of school i missed. it put me behind in reading for years until i was in 7th grade. from there i struggled because of the things i missed out on because a teacher didn't like the disabled child they were responcible for. i think about that a lot. i think about all the late nights being screamed at because i wasn't doing well and struggled in elementry school things. i remember certain things my mom did that i dont really wish to describe, but while school was a battle sometimes going home was worse. it wasn't always like that, but if mom was in a mood, it went there.

my peers were really no better. a throughout, i was very much picked on because i really liked certain things, and they were my hyperfixations. and i was weird and my teeth were wrong. some of my favorite things ive been called when in elementry school: a cockroach, r-slur, someone said they humped me (they didn't but it was still humiliating), called me useless, made fun of my teeth, made fun of me because i made eye contact with people by saying i had a crush on anyone i looked in the eye (it mortified me as a kid because i definitely did not like any of those assholes, i still struggle with this), i was told that 9/11 was my fault, people tried to cut my hair, people stole from me, spat on me.... it was rough. i'm going to stop talking about it for now.

mom, if you're reading this, then you're probably thinking wow, is this really all i think about? or wow i guess im just a terrible awful mom (or some reverse guilt trippin thing you tend to do to try and make me feel bad for validating myself and addressing what you do that hurts me, even though you're the adult and primarily in control of our relationship) or also wondering why i never talk like this about my father. my father doesn't know me. i am my dad's only child and all he knows about me is that im gay, what i went to college for, and basic likes and dislikes. beyond that, my dad doesn't know me. maybe its the same for my sisters and everyone else but im my dad's only child. i have no competition with him for attention.

i've also have been thinking about myself growing up and my relationship with my sisters. full disclosure: i was not as nice to my sister sabrina as i am today. i was mean. i acknowledge it and think about it all the time. i mean, i was no more a kid myself, but i wasn't nice at all. i didn't even think nicely of her. and worse, i was nicer to savannah than i was her, and im sure that killed her a bit. mom would talk, beg, for me to be nicer. i wasn't like her abusive sister, but it felt like i was taking notes. in part, i blame society and media for what learned about being a sibling. most media i saw and consumed growing up, siblings hated each other, were mean to each other and competed against one another for attention, even in cartoons, that's what i picked up on, and internalized, obviously. my parents obviously didn't do anything to reassure me of that not happening, but i can shoulder some of the responsibility. i have to keep reminding myself, and others that i was just only 8 or 9 or 10 when my sister was born and i already had all these thoughts in my head but by the time i was 13-14-15, it starts to be a combined effort of me and my parents and upon 16-17-18, i made little to no move to change my ways. i sincerely regret it now. after college and being apart from my family for so long and learning powerful lessons on what stands against the grains of time the strongest, family - particularly my sisters - became the centerpiece of my life. in college i met some interesting people, but the most notable thing i remember hearing from some of them, was how much they hated their siblings, younger or older or otherwise. just hated them for whatever reason. im not sure what exactly i thought, except that i was tired of listening to people act like this and that i had sounded like this too. and after failing some classes and being abandoned by friends, i realized the most important connection i could make was to my siblings. from the moment i decided to stop bad-mouthing them, i embraced them, their quirks, and loved them with everything i had. i still get aggravated with them ofc bc yaknow, nothings perfect, but they were perfect as they were. all i wanted and still want to do is spend time with them. i constantly think on how i was when i was growing up, especially for my little sister sabrina. i wasn't kind, as if the i didn't even know the word. i apologize a lot for it. every so often, i take her aside to talk to her about it. im still afraid to full acknowledge just how much damage i might've caused, but its still my responsibility to make it right and to mend it. sabrina, bless her, tells me not to worry, that she understands, that she doesn't remember a lot, except for a few things that make me cringe at myself. i apologize a lot. even now i am still sorry. i hope i am making up for it. i hope she doesn't grow to resent me, as i likely deserve. i love her so much i just want her to be happy and fulfilled and safe. i hate myself for how i was.

and i worry. a lot. its not exactly the same, theres a lot of different aspects to their dynamics, but i sometimes see myself in how sabrina acts towards savannah and it worries me. savannah is a lot less forgiving. a lot closer to bina's age and therefore harder to impress later on should sabrina change her tune. they both go at it though. savannah gives as much sabrina does, and especially so that she's 13 and moody as 13 year old typically are. all the same, i feel like the example i led has won out to the example i try to lead now and it frightens me. i want all 3 of us to be close. for all we've suffered together, to be alone in the world once our parents are gone frightens the shit out of me. more than anything, i want us to remain close. all three of us. i worry a lot about our relationship with each other...

anyway, so yeah i'm currently living with and working for my parents. i do take the work seriously even if doesn't look it and im proud of my (few) acomplishments. and living with them has its ups and downs. it feels good on hand to start from the ground up on how to like. live. how to be a person. or something. sorry i know i was going to go into this, but the previous topic got me down a little. i'm changing the subject.

my desk came in early, and im excited to put it together. can't wait really.

eh. i'm bumbed. will consider the listing of foods i eat.

peace.

#journal tag #text

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todokori-kun · 7 years

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Ack

that sounds horrible, getting sick is the worst ;-; get as much rest as you can! I really hope you get better soon<3

(omg the pics are GORGEOUS. Like, Wow. Once I’m done writing this message I’m probably going to go back to stare at them for like an hour and silently scream over how awesome everything looks)

Don’t worry about it, I admit that Stoki is pretty much a crack ship ^^;;

And, well, the redemption fic I mentioned helped me fall deeper into Stoki hell, but I shipped it even before that XD I think part of it is just because I think they could have a really interesting dynamic- they’re just so different, complete opposites. Steve would confuse Loki so much tbh

Also, I just think that Steve (or at least, post-CW Steve) might be one of the avengers most willing to at least try to understand Loki. Partly because Steve’s just a nice guy, and then because of his relationship with Bucky- ‘cause Steve-Bucky and Thor-Loki are really, really similar and I think Steve would realize that.

And then like I said, Steve cares a lot about other people. If Thor ever told him about everything that happened between him and Loki Steve probably wouldn’t have too much difficulty in starting to see Loki as a human(?) being instead of some one-dimensional fairy tale villain.

Lastly, I feel like Steve is just the best person to handle Loki’s issues. He may not be able to personally relate to a lot of it (Tony, Bruce, maybe Natasha would be better for that) but he can take a step back and think rationally about the situation, help convince Loki that just because the rest of the world sees him as a monster, doesn’t mean he has to be one.

Hopefully this made sense? lol)

yeah, that’s pretty much how I felt about it too. It was just so freaking frustrating OTL

(And yes that letter destoyed my feelings too)

btw, can I ask what you think about T'challa? He doesn’t seem to have that many fans yet but I think he’s really cool and possibly one of the more sensible people in the CW movie (once he stops being furious at Bucky). Also the trailer for his new movie is epic and I can’t wait to see his sister…

Hisoillu is bizarre (sadistic murdery Clown with no sense of fashion + sadistic murdery needle guy with dead fish eyes) but also makes a lot of sense at the same time? Like, Hisoka got away with joking about killing Killua in front of Illumi, so…yeah. They’ve got something special LOL

omg imagine.

‘Satisfied but when you fantasize at night it’s Illumi’s eyes’

'Helpless but look into Illumi’s eyes and the sky’s the limit’

'History has its Eyes on you but it’s actually Illumi’

Why do I want these memes to be a thing

With the new revelation about who Touka was visiting at the hospital, I’m beginning to have my doubts about how this will end…maybe they might actually both survive for now???

But I’m a bit miserable rn because if one of them has to die I’d rather keep Juuzou too but it seems much more likely for Touka to survive. She’s like the main female lead, plus she has Kaneki’s baby…

R.I.P Naki, the sweetest cinnamon roll who just wanted to see his big bro again ;-;

(Also: Wow, way to go Kaneki, you finally started acting like an actual leader (in a way)! But can I just say, what absolutely perfect timing)

WTH I had no idea Soul Eater’s art style developed that much???!!! That’s actually pretty amazing! (And yeah, I know that SE has some pretty complex characters and interesting stories in it :D it’s just still a lot lighter and has different themes from the mangas I usually enjoy ^^ I might try it out though!)

Death The Kid seems really cool! (does he really have OCD in canon, though? Like, I’ve seen a lot of Soul Eater fans talking like he does but idk if it’s actually a thing? Maybe I sound weird but it just seems insensitive to say characters like DTK and Levi have 'OCD’ and talking about it jokingly when it’s actually incredibly difficult and stressful for people who actully have OCD, so I’m not sure how to feel about those fans)

Yay! Gotta go and try to find that fight scene now…

Join me in my suffering. I loved L so much ;-;

(But hey, don’t be too sad (what’s this? Is Evans actually COMFORTING Queen Luna for once instead of rubbing salt in the wound?!)! There’s always the book Death Note: Another Note (The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases)- it’s a prequel to the Death Note manga/anime with L chasing a murderer known as Beyond Birthday (…no comment on that alias). It also shows how he met Naomi Misora which is awesome if you like Naomi (I did, and kinda screamed when Light kiled her))

Eh, I think I’m one of the few people who doesn’t mind it being set in America because what’s the point of making an American adaptation if it’s going to be set in Japan anyway? I also don’t really have a problem with 'white-washing’ for this same reason (though I am disappointed because being Japanese-American would have added an interesting layer to Light’s character; despite fighting for justice, in canon, LIght’s never actually been victimized or discriminated against. He’s a handsome, intelligent young man who appears to be cisgender and heterosexual (even if it’s never confirmed) and is Japanese, just like everyone else around him. Japanese-American Light, on the other hand, would have really experienced how the 'rotten’ world could hurt people, so his acts as Kira might have more personal emotion in them)…like, it’s possible to cast a white actor as Light without it being white-washing, and since they changed the entire setting I think it’s fine to change other things too. Just, I’m cool with anything as long as they portrayed Light’s character properly…BUT THEY DIDN’T SO

I’m really just disappointed that they botched the characters and all the themes of the original Death Note story so badly. Sure, change the setting, change the circumstances, change the plot, changehe designs, but why did you have to take Death Note’s philosophy away?

But, because I might have been a bit too mean:

I will say that the movie LOOKS really good. The visuals are great. The soundtrack seems decent too. Also, though Ryuk’s motivations/role also weren’t done very well, Ryuk’s actor did an amazing job…and while I’m not happy with how L was portrayed in this movie, I do think that the actor they cast for him could have been a good L if not for the bad writing.

Well…from what I know, Light Turner ends up in a hospital at the end of the movie with his One True Love Mia(Misa) dead, so nah. The Keikaku failed.

(which just proves that Light Turner really is nothing like Light Yagami, because Light Yagami’s keikakus never fail.

Until the end of the Death note manga/anime, that is.)

Yeah, I know about SU’s terrible fandom, so I’m not going to actively participate in writing fanfic, drawing fan art or making HCs/theories with other people…I’m just gonna watch the show with my sister and look at pretty fanart XD

Tysm tho!

(Question: Which character do you think you are? And what kind of gem do you think you’d be?)

Aww, I’m so happy my awkward rambling actually made you feel better??? Like. Come on. You have no idea how much our convos helped me with anxiety and stress, so I have to thank you for that too <333

(And seriously, Queen Luna is amazing.)

For most people, they start going to elementary at seven (in international age) as far as I know, and then go to middle school at around thirteen. Then high school at…um…sixteen? Maybe? I’ve never really gone to school here so I might not be 100% correct but it’s something like that ^^;;

I really wanna try Mystic Messenger but since my phone is an old flip phone…I like my phone but sometimes this can be inconvenient LOL

(I’m totally fine with messaging here, but are you really ok with it? 'Cause if you’re not, we can try to work something else out!)

hi im luna and i wanna die.

HNNNNNNNNGH have i ever told you how much i hate school? because i freaking hate school from the bottom of my heart i can’t feel my neck anymore from the amount of studying ive been doing that’s depressing.

anyway. heartfelt advice: do not fuck your stomach up in any way, because you will suffer if you do. take it from me, i’ve managed to develop this amazing thing called Gastritis and now i cant eat anything without getting the feeling that im gonna throw it back out which is absolutely wonderful. thankfully, i don’t throw up, but it’s freaking annoying and ive lost waay too much weight already. best part? the whole reason why i have it is apparently purely psychological, too much stress. i got it in the middle of july. HOW my mom is also being INCREDIBLY helpful by basically telling me to ‘get over it’ like i can just snap my fingers and tell myself ‘oh yeah this is only in my head’ and it’ll all pass over. cause that’s how it works. so is my sister by always laughing at me

oook moving on.

yep, school started and i am suffering. ive already gone through 4 tests and a bunch of oral quizzes. yay. thanks teachers for totally not putting horrible pressure on us from the start. i stg, one of my most common thoughts these days is ‘see, this is exactly why i have a psychosomatic sickness.’ they’re sending my to a psychologist to see if i can let everything out and maybe get some advice on how to handle things better. i will laugh my ass off if i get diagnosed with a mental disorder. that’d be absolutely hilarious (I am in no way trying to make fun of people with a mental disorder, I’m just saying I honestly wouldn’t even be surprised if they said something like Burnout Syndrome or Depression (im not even joking when I say that I’ve been sleeping pretty much all afternoon + night these days, cry way too often, feel no motivation for anything, feel worthless, no apetite and also occasional suicidal thoughts which is oh so fun (ok but in my defence, the thoughts are really rare, probably caused by the fact that I feel nauseous like 90% of the time, and I would never ever do it, mostly because some people would miss me (I hope). there are moments when I go ‘wouldn’t it be easier to disappear?’ tho))

sorry about that rant

MOVING ON TO HAPPIER THEMES (and proper writing):

Yeah, Norway was truly gorgeous ^^ I don’t think I’ve ever felt more at peace than then. I fell asleep in the car at one point while watching the scenery outside, and it was one of the best sleeps in my life, despite being in the car. I’m glad you enjoyed them ^^ If you want, I can upload random pics like that every once in a whole.

Aaah, that’s pretty good reasoning! It makes a lot more sense now, thanks for explaining!

Yeah, I kinda see why you’d ship it. Steve is a pretty understanding person and, like you said, would probably understand Loki the best ^^ Recommend me some fics and I might even start shipping it myself ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I LOVE T’CHALLA THANK YOU FOR ASKING YES. I mean, he angery™, but also freaking cool! Not to mention crazily powerful *^* I’m pretty excited for his movie, cause more badassery from him!

Wow those sound like genuine memes. Seriously why can’t i draw XD

Also HIstory has its eyes on you but it’s actually Illumi will give me nightmares.

GODAMNIT I JUST WANT JUUZOU TO BE HAPPY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?? (apparently yes)

Yep, since I have all the volumes, I like to flip through them sometimes and I’m blown away every time by the development. I also cosplayed the main character a while ago, so it holds a high sentimental value to me. But it is a lot lighter than your usual reads, true...

Well, uh, it’s kinda hard to explain? I mean, DTK is obsessed with symmetry and will go to crazy lengths to preserve it, get mad if someone disturbs it, will jeopardise missions if he’s not sure if he left something perfectly symmetrically at home etc, but it’s not so much as a mental illness as it is a consequence of who he is (part of the Grim Reaper)? Like i said, it’s really had to explain.

Did you manage to find the fight scene?

My reaction to Death Note in general: FUCK YOU LIGHT YAGAMI. oooh, I’ll search that manga up!

Well, I’m not so much upset about the whitewashing, more about the fact that I feel like the japanese general ideology plays a big role in why light decided to start killing bad people? Idk how to explain it...

Oh, Japanese-American Kira would’ve been a really interesting thing to see!

Yay, at least you found some good things? Well, it’s nice that you managed that ^^

Damnit, so it didn’t go according to Keikaku! It’s all because they didn’t include the potato chip scene.

Uuh, i don’t exactly remember much of SU, but I guess I’m most similar to Pearl? I didn’t really sympathise with any characters that much tbh. As for gem. Uuuuuh *quickly googles gem meanings* ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. I like Zircon because of the colour and alexandrite because it changes colour which is incredibly cool!

Your rambling always makes me feel better tbh. It gives me a looong message from a friend I appreciate incredibly much so, yeah, I always smile when I see a message from you (even though my replies are so slooooooooow)

Aaah, I see! That’s pretty interesting ^^ Quite different from our system.

Ah, shame, you would’ve liked the most recent route, there is so so so much suffering.

Yeah, I am 100% fine!! Don’t worry about it! The reason why I suggested something else is because on sites w an instant messaging system, my replies would probably be a lot quicker,

I AM IN LOVE WITH THE AESTETHICS, ESPECIALLY LIZZY, THAT IS GOALS

and the drawings are adorable ^^ Hide tho ;-;

#evans #submission

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skiasurveys · 7 years

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old myspace surveyyy

1. Last beverage: Iced tea

2. Last phone call: My mom i believe

3. Last song you listened to: Closer- the chainsmokers ft halsey

4. Last time you cried: today

5. Have you dated someone twice: kind of. my current boyfriend and i dated before but it was only like 2 weeks and then we didnt date again til 5 months later, and now were still together which has been 15 months. i dont really consider he first time an actual relationship lmao

6. Have you ever been cheated on: Not that I am aware of.

7. Kissed someone & regretted it: eh, my first kiss was awful

8. Have you lost someone special: yeah my dad died.

9. What are your three favorite colors: lilac, cyan, pink

10. Met someone who changed you in the past month: not in the past month

11. Kissed anyone on your friends list: yeah

12. How many kids do you want: none.

13. Do you want any pets: i have two cats

14. Do you want to change your name: yeah i do

15. What did you do for your last birthday: Had dinner with my boyfriends parents, then had a small party with a few friends and my boyfriend, but that was it. Wasnt so lit.

16. What time did you wake up today: i woke up at 10 am i think

17. Name something you CANNOT wait for: to finally move out

18. Last time you saw your mother: um. like 10 minutes ago lol

19. Most visited webpage: youtube

20. Nicknames: Jen, Babygirl, i dont really have nicknames that much

21. Relationship status: Taken

22. Zodiac sign: Sagittarius

23. Male or female: female

24. Height: 5′1

25. Do you have a crush on someone: my boyfriend

26. Piercings: I got my ears pierced when i was 18 but i took it out apparently too soon and they shut. I am going to get them redone but im just lazy

27. Tattoos: none as of now

28. Strong or Weak: physically or emotionally..haha..

FIRSTS

29. First surgery: wisdom teeth

30. First best friend: Eric or Reis

31. First sport you joined: softball when i was 7/8

32. First vacation: British columbia when i was 4/5

33. First school: Joseph welsh

34. First pair of trainers: If trainers you mean shoes but in a british lingo..uhh i dont know. DC shoes? those ugly fat skater shoes.

WHICH IS BETTER

35. Lips or eyes: eyes

36. Hugs or kisses: honestly both, but idk it depends. sometimes i love hugs because i like feeling him hold me and against me , but kisses are so sweet

37. Shorter or taller: taller

38. Older or younger: older

39. Romantic or spontaneous: both

40. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.

41. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.

42. Shy or outgoing: a bit of both. im really outgoing so in a relationship it doesnt matter for me. but i dont really like people who cant make conversations at all..

HAVE YOU EVER

43. Kissed a stranger: I dont think so.

44. Gotten a speeding ticket: No

45. Lost glasses/contacts: i dont wear glasses or contacts

46. Sex on first date: nope. but oral sex yeah.

47. Broken someone’s heart: i have but whatever.

48. Been arrested: No

49. Have you turned someone down: yeah but thats cause this dude wouldnt stop trying to date me and the funny part is he didnt even live in the same fucking city as me so idk why he kept trying so hard. I also had a dude back in highschool who i still chat with try to date me but ive turned him down couple of times but he knows now.

50. Fallen for a friend: not really.

51. Moved out of town: no

BELIEVE IN

52. Miracles: ehhh

53. Love at first sight: no. but i mean i know when i first met my boyfriend i was like oh hell yeah. but its not love.

54. Heaven: yeah

55. Santa Claus: no and never have.

56. Kiss on the first date: sure. ive done it. idk how you cant believe in a kiss?? lmao

57. Angels: yeah

58. Yourself: no

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

59. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: no.

60. Been in love with someone you couldn’t be with?: yeah but not “in love”.

61. Ever cheated on somebody: No i am not a cunt.

62. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: i would love to relive my first date with Connor, i dont know why. i wouldnt change anything but that day was really awesome.

63. Are you afraid of falling in love: No.

64. Was your last relationship a mistake? well i guess, since i am in a different one right? it wasnt a mistake per-say but he was a waste of time.

65. Do you miss your last relationship? god no.

66. Who did you last say “i love you” to?

connor, the other day <3

67. Have you ever been depressed? yeah i have depression.

68. Are you insecure? yeah but im getting better.

69. How do you want to die? in my bed, while asleep.

70. Do you bite your nails? lol i am currently.

71. When was your last physical fight? Ive never really had one.

72. Do you have an attitude? yeah. i can have one.

73. Twirl or cut your spaghetti? twirl if i ever eat it. i hate spaghetti. Connor loves it though..

74. Do you tan a lot? eh no

75. Ever eaten food in a car while someone or you are driving? yeah usually while on a trip

76. Ever made out in a bathroom? yeah.

77. Would you take any of your exes back? Not at all! Barf.

78. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? depends on the time.

79. What are your plans for this weekend? it is the weekend currently, nothing is planned.

80. Do you type fast? yeah

81. Can you spell well? i think i do.

82: What are you craving right now? nothing actually.

83. Have you ever been on a horse? yeah a few times.

84. Would you live with someone without marrying them? yeah my boyfriend lmao

85. What’s irritating you right now? my dry skin atm.

86. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? yeah.

87. Does somebody love you? yeah my man does. lmao

88. Have you ever changed clothes in a car? a few times

89. Milk chocolate or white chocolate? milk. white chocolate is nasty

90. Do you have trust issues? i kind of do.

91. Longest relationship? my one i am in currently which so far is a one year and 3 months

92: Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? i am sure he thinks about me every so often, i mean i sometimes think about them for no reason and not the “i miss you” thinking just like something reminds me of them or whatver. Im sure they think of me sometime. i dont really care lol

93. Have you ever walked outside in your PJs? yah lol

94. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? no

95. Did you have dream last night? yeah i dont remember it anymore

96. Have you ever been out of state? yeah

97. Do you play the Wii? eh not anymore. i dont like the wii or the wii u, i tried to like the nintendo products but i am more into Playstation ;)

98. Do you like Chinese food? i do

99. Are you afraid of the dark? sometimes

100. Is cheating ever okay? No.

101. What year has been your best? 2015 so far and 2016 wasnt really so bad.

102. Do you believe in true love? yeah i guess

103. Favorite weather? fall weather. where its warm but kind of cloudy, where you can wear whatever you want and you wont be too cold or too warm.

104. Do you like the snow? NO

105. Do you like the outside? yeah i do.

106. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? yeah i like when connor does

107. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? yes

108. What makes you happy? cats

109. Ever been to Alaska? no

110. Ever been to Hawaii? no

111. Do you watch the news? usually like to keep an eye on whats happening with the world. like now.

112. Do you love MTV? no

113. Do you like subway? yeah but its not my fav anymore. but i do crave it randomly

114 Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? no lol were dating.

115. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? well my best friend of the opposite sex is my boyfriend..so...

116. Why did you decide to do this quiz? im bored

117. Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them? yeah actually one time my mom and i were shopping and we saw this crazy lady that we know. and so we kept avoiding here while we were grocery shopping and we actually got away lol thank god. she is so annoying. When my dad died she told my mom she had to get rid of his pictures. like mcfuck off.

118. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? yeah a few

119. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? connor

120. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Jennifer

121. Ever bought condoms? no. we dont use condoms

122. Ever gotten pregnant? No. thank god

123. Have you ever slipped on ice? im sure

124 Have you ever missed the bus? yeah

125. Have you left the house without money? i have once. i was working too and on my break i was heading to get food and then i realized i forgot my wallet. -___-

126. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? no. just weed.

127. Have you ever smoked a cigar? no

128. Did you ever drink alcohol? yeah of course.

129. Did you ever watch “The Breakfast Club”? yes. one of my favs

130. Have you ever been overweight? last year i went on medication that made me gain 20 pounds, but i lost all that weight now thank god. I wasnt over weight but i was kind of chubby. Im back to my skinny-self thank god!

131. Ever been to a wedding? yeah

132. Ever been in a wedding? yeah my cousin got married in 2013 and asked my sister and i to be apart of it. worst idea ever. We werent really apart of it. she had her friends in it and my sister and i were just kind of the side bridemaids..yah weird.

133. Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight? yeah back when i didnt have an ipad or iphone.

134. Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight? i sometimes binge netflix when im with my boyfriend

135. Ever kissed in the rain? no

136. Did you ever shower with someone else? yeah i have with my boyfriend. it was really intimate lol

137. Did you ever fail a driver’s test? i have only ever failed the written exam where they ask you all that stupid shit and you have to remember speed and signs. but my actualy drivig test, i passed first try!

138. Ever been outside your home country? yeah to canada

139. Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours? yeah we used to drive to vancouver or south BC which would take 13 hours.

140. Ever been to a professional sports game? NO

141. Have you ever broken a bone? no surprisingly i havent. even though i got hit by a car..

142. Did you ever win a trophy in your life? no :(

143. Ever get engaged? no

144. Have you ever been on a diet? kind of.

145. Have you ever been on TV? kind of. not really.

146. Ever ridden in a taxi? yeah. with my boyfriend, its really awkward and weird...

147. Ever been to prom? we dont have prom here in canada but we do get dressed up in nice dresses and have dinner and a dance, but not prom. But yeah i did go.

148. Ever stayed up for 24 hours or more? yeah i think 2 days

149 Have you ever been to a concert? yeah. my first was...Jonas brothers...BARFFF. thanks 12 year old me -.-

150. Have you ever had a crush on someone at work? i did have a little crush on the security guard. but not a big crush.

151. Have you ever been in a car accident? i got hit by a car

152. Ever had braces? yeah from 12-14. (gr.6-8)

153. Did you ever learn another language? i tried french. but i cant speak it. i gave up. I wish i could learn something different.

154. Do you wear make-up? yeah.

155. Did you ever have your wisdom teeth taken out? yeah when i was 18 i got put completely out and had surgery to get them out.

156. Did you ever kiss someone a different race than yourself? yeah.

157. Ever dyed your hair? yeah ive dyed it reddish, darker brown, fire ombre (look it up it was awesome), blonde, ash blonde, blonde with purple tips and then now i just dyed it back to brown which is its natural colour. i like it blonde but im starting to like it back at its natural state.

158. Did you ever wear someone else’s clothes? yeah ive worn my sisters clothes

159. Ever ridden in an ambulance? no

160. Ever ridden in a helicopter? no

161. Ever caught the stove on fire? no

162. Ever meet someone famous? no

163. Ever been on an airplane? yeah i was only on a plane from here (canada) to california and back. but thats it. my first time it was really nerve-racking, but on the way back it was chill. i dont like being that high up lol

164. Ever been on a boat? yeah a few times. its kay

165. Ever broken something expensive? no

166. Did you ever kiss someone before you were 14? no. my first actual kiss wasnt til i was 18..lol

167. Did you ever find something valuable on the ground? yeah my fucking life.

#long #survey #myspace survey #surveys

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hopelesslyfloating-blog · 7 years

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11/27/17

Any way I guess I am supposed to talk about my feelings or some shit. No. Here are some things that you should know about me before you form any sort of image. Stupid shit mostly. First of all, if it wasn’t already completely obvious, I do not in any way want to do this writing thing. However, I am forcing myself to do it, so that something knows and feels the way I do. I don’t really know if I am supposed to aim this like I’m talking to myself or someone else. Purely for the sake of conversation and comfortability, I guess I will form this like I am talking to someone else. So anyway, I like poetry and stuff. I enjoy listening to the emotion that these talented people use in their voices when they are reciting their own written works of emotion. God that sounded gay. I guess im kind of emotional. When I feel emotion that is. A lot of the time I feel really numb, but then other days I feel a fleeting happiness. Mostly everytime I hang out with my friends CS, TF, and HK, I feel happiness but even then in the back of my mind Im still sinking. Also, way too early to tell, but I may be falling in love again for this girl named CH. Will update with more about that later. Anyway, back to the main course. Its not fair and fucking stupid. This shit doesn’t make sense at all. My life is fantastic and I have all the potential in the world. But this fucking guy. Hes always around and never leaves and usually he just pops up for a quick visit like a distant relative. But this time, he wants to move in. He wants to set up shop and has already started moving his luggage in, but I don’t want him or his shitty existence. He has already started cutting down my posters and wallpaper and I try to tape them back up using my star wars band aids. He talks to me all the time. When im alone it’s the loudest whisper in the world. When im with friends he screams at me, but I can usually drown him out using conversation and alcohol. Maybe I should start working out again. Ive heard that’s a great distraction. Anyway this fucking guy always wants my attention and he never ever wants to leave me alone. I hate him and I hate myself even more for allowing this pitiful excuse for a being into my life. I absolutely loath it. My cousin will and my brother C tried to have an intervention to get me to get that fucker to move out with the help of a “professional”. Fuck off. I still have trouble sleeping at night. He stays up with me though. I guess that is some form of company. Music is also as effective as a drug. I guess the only good thing about having this fucker around is that we like the same music. Right now, I’m listening to more calm, quiet music that I can relate to. So yeah sad music. As opposed to the loud guitarish sad music I normally frequent. I tried to introduce this guy to my friends CS, TF, and HK. I was absolutely waisted at the time, but I guess I still felt the need to introduce my new roommate. I say new like he hasn’t been around since 8th grade. I don’t believe they liked him very much. They told me he made them uncomfortable. So I thought that I couldn’t hang around them anymore because of how alike he and I are. So I had a quality evening alone with him and vodka. We tore down a couple more pieces of wallpaper but they made quite a mess and I ended up passing out. Anyway so that’s kind of where im at currently. He keeps telling me he wants us to go on a vacation together. I am really contemplating it tbh. He said I wouldn’t have any stress or worry or anything. He normally discusses this with me while he is eating my food early in the morning. He eats a lot and for some reason it makes me not want to eat at all. Plus if I don’t eat over my “calorie count” I can lose weight. HK told me that, he used to be a personal trainer or some shit. So I feel like right about now I need to give my roommate a name just for the sake of abandoning pronouns. We can call him D. Is not short for anything its just a letter. D is a fucking asshole. That being said, sadly now I feel like I cant live without him, or with him for that matter. I do not apologize for feeling this way about him or saying any of the shit I do. I do apologize for letting people in my life get attached to me. That is gonna be difficult when I go on vacation. Im sure I can find some excuse to use. I guess I should also mention im fresh off of a breakup with a girl I loved for nearly 3 years. That’s a story for another day. I don’t know how D will handle it when I tell him that I plan on going on a spring vacation with CH, HK, CS, N, and TF. All really good friends, but I don’t think they would get along with D. Maybe I can introduce them some time, Nope fuck that not doing that. Terrible idea. School. We are going to talk about school now. I used to be successful at school but now I feel as if im a failure. I cant focus or concentrate on nearly anything school related even though I know I need to. Im a junior in college at the University of Tennessee. Im an accounting major, and yes I know that’s a cringe. Most people find it boring but to be honest it really interests me. School is another hang out spot with D. He rides with myself and my brother C. Im the oldest sibling out of 3 total. Myself, C, and H. I have decided not to get too personal with the names in case anyone doesn’t want theirs out so initials and first letters only. School. So I guess talking about school leads me into talking about the future. I once had my future completely laid out and planned to the year. Now not so much. I thought I wanted a family at one point in time but I wouldn’t want to put them through the stressfilled burden of dealing with D and i. New topic. Last night a girl told me that I had a “very pretty soul”. I was so caught off guard by this. I disagreed with her but would not tell her why. Im scared if I mention d she wont want anything to do with me. D and I were having a rather loud conversation filled with tears and blood last night around 4 am. I won this round. I called my friend who intimately knows about D and who he is. She didn’t exactly help me out like she used to. She more preached “God” to me more than anything. I am not a religious person for many reasons we will come back to. Any way im going to go try to feel something for a bit. I will return or I will not we will see. –JNM

Im back for now. My mind is empty and I feel like a useless piece of meat. –JNM

Alright so I have decided to upload all of these entries onto a blog thing and that made me feel good so im adding it the the list of rules. I have to upload everything I write on here by the end of the day. So back to business. I am now chilling in the student union waiting for cooper to get out of class and my mind is completely empty. Im listening to some music CH recommended to me. Its by this guy named Lord Huron and he is pretty fricking good. Im normally not into this type of slow and happy music, but I guess a change is pretty nice. We are supposed to hang out tonight so im pretty excited about that. Honestly im kind of nervous because I want this to go a certain way but I don’t believe that’s what she wants. She just got out of a relationship too. We have talked about it and both agreed that neither of us want a relationship right now. I lied. We have so much in common and its absolutely fantastic. We agree on a lot of deep issues like aliens and coffee. She is one of the people who I text back immediately. I guess that could get kind of annoying to her. We haven’t really discussed anything deeply personal yet. I doubt we will for a while. Part of me really wants to take it slow with her and do it right, but that isn’t what she wants to do. We have plans to go eat pizza, play at an arcade, and then head back to my place to watch a movie. –JNM

Alright I am home now. School went well despite the fact that it was boring as hell. CH is coming over and will be here very soon. I cleaned my room and this day has taken a turn for the best. Im happy now so hopefully that can be kept up. I also put up more posters in my room. Today will end up being a great day. So yeah. Nothing else is really on my mind at the moment. I listened to a lot of good music today. I put together a playlist on Spotify specifically off of songs that CH would like. This initials only thing is getting annoying as hell. Ah well its not that big of a deal. Well I will come back and update with anything that happens. –JNM

Well. What can I say. It was a fantastic night. We watched 2 movies and talked about everything we could think of. Then we made out. I am happy and today turned out to be a great day. Now im going to try to fall asleep before D comes around and tries to ruin it. Goodnight!-JNM

End Day

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type2diabetestreatments-blog · 8 years

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Ask D'Mine: Hepatitis and Diabetes, Going Low with the Flu

New Post has been published on http://type2diabetestreatment.net/diabetes-mellitus/ask-dmine-hepatitis-and-diabetes-going-low-with-the-flu/

Ask D'Mine: Hepatitis and Diabetes, Going Low with the Flu

Welcome back to our diabetes advice column, Ask D'Mine, hosted by veteran type 1, diabetes author and community educator Wil Dubois.

We never know where your queries might take us! Today, Wil's delving into blood diseases and chicken soup...

Need help navigating life with diabetes? Email us at [email protected]

George from Wyoming, type 2, writes: I recently visited my doctor and she told me that I have get an immunization for hepatitis because I have diabetes. I don't practice any high-risk sexual activities, or do drugs, or anything like that. What's up with this? Is my doctor out of line? I never heard of people needing hepatitis shots just because they have diabetes!

Wil@Ask D'Mine answers: Wow. Those Wyoming docs are really keeping on the cutting edge of diabetes care. Nope, she's not out of line. This is brand-new stuff.

This year, the annual Christmas present from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (the CDC) to the diabetes community was yet another "ya gotta do it 'cause you got the big-D" recommendation.

On December 23, as Santa's elves were starting to load up the sleigh, the CDC issued a recommendation that advised docs that all persons with diabetes who have not already received a Hepatitis B vaccine should get one. Today. Actually, the real wording states that "all previously unvaccinated adults aged 19 through 59 years with diabetes mellitus (type 1 and type 2) be vaccinated against hepatitis B as soon as possible after a diagnosis of diabetes is made."

The CDC has placed their recommendation in "Category A," which is more like a summons to appear before the United States Senate than a casual suggestion. It's medical Defcon 1. Time to go to war.

Why? Because a small task force in the basement of the CDC called the Hepatitis Vaccines Work Group of the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (I couldn't have made that up if I tried) crunched the infection data from a whopping 17% of the U.S. population, and after some statistical magic to level the playing field for risk factors, found that PWDs have 2.1 times the risk of non-PWDs of getting Hep B.

Other than being a PWD, apparently, what're the other risk factors for Hep B? According to CDC: IV drug use (the non-prescription kind); male-on-male sex; and people who participate in old-fashioned Roman orgies, or what the CDC boringly calls "multiple partner sex."

Why do PWDs get Hep B at twice the rate of non-PWDs? Well, no one knows for sure, but it probably has something to do with our crappy immune systems. People with more... I don't want to say "healthier" here... give me a sec... Ah! People with more robust immune systems are more likely to clear the virus on their own, while we PWDs apparently don't, and can develop acute Hep B, which is bad news. Not only can Hep B actually kill you, but it's also a bit more likely to kill you if you have diabetes.

Lovely.

Oh, and if Hep B doesn't kill you (and it doesn't kill most people who get it) it can absolutely damage your liver, which then limits what drugs you can take for all that ails you, and has a very negative impact on your ability to enjoy Miller Time.

But seriously, chronic Hep B infections lead to cirrhosis or liver cancer in about 15% of its victims. Treating Hep B is dicey, difficult, expensive, and loooooooooooong. But it can be prevented in most people with a simple vaccine. As we're twice as likely to get it, the CDC has decided that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Oh, and you PWDs over age 60? Well, that data ain't so strong, so the CDC has issued a "Category B" recommendation for you older D-folks, giving your doc a little more leeway. And what about the young set? Those under 19? They probably already got the Hep B vaccine already as part of their "childhood" immunizations, usually getting the first shot before leaving the hospital after being born.

I work in health care, so I've already had my Hep B shot. Well, actually, it's three shots, but who's counting? But based on the stats I just gave you, if I hadn't already gotten it, I'd be calling my doc now. I don't want to miss out on Miller Time. Or the opportunity to participate in a good, old-fashioned Roman orgy, should the chance ever arise.

Kim from New Jersey, mother of type 1 kids, writes: When my type 1 children get the stomach flu "bug" their sugars go low or even are in good range. Why is this? Does this "flu bug" do something to keep the immune system from fighting itself? It just seems extremely odd that only this "bug" makes my kids go low in range.

Wil@Ask D'Mine answers: Nope, it's not the bug. It's the chicken soup. Or the Jell-O. Or whatever it is that their poor little stomachs can keep down.

Actually, for what it's worth, most type 1s (well, and type 2s, for that matter) see their blood sugars go UP when they are sick. This is because our bodies release a boatload of stress hormones to fight illness. Ummm... think of it like flipping a switch to turn on a turbo-charger. The body ramps up for the fight. That extra sugar is nature's way of giving the body more energy to fight the good fight. Of course, for those of us with sweet blood, more sugar is the last thing we need.

Having high blood sugar when you're sick can make you sicker, and of course, put you at risk for a high-blood sugar emergency like DKA. So generally, you need to have a sick-day plan that spells out how to safely increase your medications to counteract the stress hormones as you get sick, and how to decrease them again as you get well. Your medical team can help you design a personalized sick-day plan.

But stomach bugs are the exception to the rule. Your body still pumps in all the sugar-raising sick-day hormones, but there's a new element at play that affects the balance of insulin and sugar. When you're throwing up everything you eat, you aren't absorbing as many carbs as usual. In this case, if you leave your insulin levels alone, you can go low.

So there's nothing special about the stomach flu virus. People with the stomach flu just can't and don't eat as much as they usually do.

But wait a sec, you say: I know that they aren't eating hardly anything, so I'm hardly giving them any fast-acting insulin either.

Yeah, I know that, but I'll bet a box of doughnuts and the vial of Novolog needed to cover them, that you didn't change their basal insulin. And that's why they coasted low.

Here's what happens:

For type 1s, we always view our basal insulin as being a foundation of solid concrete, but that's not entirely accurate. Basal insulin should be half of your body's daily needs (50 fast / 50 slow). But what if your body's needs change? If your total daily dose drops, it should drop in proportion. Various things can lead you to need less insulin: weight loss; adding an insulin-sensitizing drug; a significant change in diet; or being sick to your stomach. Most of us can't be bothered, but in theory, when you are eating less—either because you're sick or you're on a hunger strike—you should cut back on your basal insulin as well as your fast-acting insulin.

So flu bug + less food = less need for basal insulin. Or flu bug + less food = lower blood sugar if basal insulin isn't lowered.

Oh, and btw: May I present to you the Persons With Diabetes United Parenting Award? I see you said you have type 1 children. As in plural. As in more than one.

You soooooo deserve an award for all you do on a daily basis. One type 1 kiddo, even when well, is a lot of work. More than one? And sick?

You're a frickin' hero in my book.

DISCLAIMER: This is not a medical advice column. We are PWDs freely and openly sharing the wisdom of our collective experiences -- our been-there-done-that knowledge from the trenches. But we are NOT MDs, PAs, CDEs, or patridges in pear trees. Bottom line: we are only a small part of your total prescription. You will still need professinoal advice, treatment, and care of a licensed medical professional.

Disclaimer: Content created by the Diabetes Mine team. For more details click here.

Disclaimer

This content is created for Diabetes Mine, a consumer health blog focused on the diabetes community. The content is not medically reviewed and doesn't adhere to Healthline's editorial guidelines. For more information about Healthline's partnership with Diabetes Mine, please click here.

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