#yes this takes place in the t8 bad ending

[scalproie]

Lucky Chloe: Boss I heard you don't have heterophobia anymore???

Kazuya:

Kazuya: Heterochromia, Chloe.

[ispyamoose]

I am overwhelmed.

I have lots of family on Facebook, so I generally don’t post stuff like this there. On my Twitter, I occasionally share short-form woes, but didn’t really want to put this there.

There is so much going on in the world. In addition, there’s so much going on in my life. So much feels like it’s piling on. And, before anyone might ask, YES, I’m seeking therapy. I’ve recently had to switch therapists and am still waiting on an appointment. But I AM seeking real help. I just need a place to shout into the void, and I’ve got some H E A V Y shit to share.

My mom has been in increasingly poor health. She has COPD, has had dozens of hospital trips in the past year, and has been on oxygen since September. That came out of nowhere. She hadn’t been hospitalized in something like 15 years for her COPD, and then WHAM, so much deterioration happened at once. 

She receives palliative care, which is basically a step below hospice care, for those who don’t know. Palliative care is when you have a serious medical illness, and a nurse comes by a few times a week to check vitals, give you a basic examination, and is able to advocate for you more easily. If they suspect an infection, they can call your doctor for you and get antibiotics ordered without needing to go to the doctor’s office. It is designed to save you hospital trips, because your immune system is at risk of ANYTHING you come across.

My mom was told, last week, that she is in the end stage of her COPD. We were preparing for this, it was suspected, but it was different to be told that for sure by the doctor. Home hospice care was recommended for her, despite her already having palliative care. This is probably because palliative care still has more hoops to jump through to gain access to higher strength pain management medication, etc. 

She also recently developed 4 compression fractures in her spine. T4, T5, T6, and T8. She has osteoporosis and RA. She has a brace for this so her spine can heal. She has a hunch now because of the fractures, and the hunch is permanent.

This hit me like a TON OF BRICKS. Anyone who knows me, knows my mom is my best friend on this entire planet. Yes, my dearly departed best friend Toni, and my Rachel Squared bestie are my best friends. But, I am SO incredibly close with my mom. I tell her everything, even the uncomfortable stuff that people often don’t share with their parents. Losing her would be unfathomable to me. And, yet, I have to start accepting that it may happen sooner, rather than later. Yes, she could live a very long time in the end stage. That doesn’t have to define her. Some people still live 10-20 years. But the vagueness of the situation is what eats at me. Could she live another 10 years? Of course. But would it be a surprise to any doctor if she passed in a few months? Not at all. And that’s what eats at me. I don’t want to live every day thinking that this is going to be the day I lose her, but my anxiety takes over and I do think that.

She just went back to the hospital the other day, for what we thought was a bowel obstruction. She hadn’t gone since she got home from the hospital last week. Nope. Not an obstruction. Good, right? Well...she had a HOLE in her INTESTINE. Part of her intestine is just paralyzed and not working, likely because of this perforation. So she had to have emergency surgery. It was successful, but recovery could take 6+ months, and she has an ostomy bag for at least a few months. 

I’m glad she’s okay. I talked to her this morning. But, of all people these things happen to, it shouldn’t be her. My poor mom has been through hell and back. And, somehow, she’s still positive and SUCH a trooper. And it makes me sob. I love her so much and would bear all the pain for her if I could.

Besides my mom’s struggles, my son has a developmental delay, isn’t saying words, (but makes noises and single syllable sounds) and will be 2 this month. He’s being referred for autism screening. I love my son, he’s ADORABLE and is such a good kid. But the hard times with him are HARD, and it’s becoming harder and harder to manage on my own. (COVID still has things closed, and his Early Intervention visits are all teletherapy currently) He’s also got partial hearing loss, that we’re unsure is permanent or not. COVID has prevented him from seeing ENT until the end of July. All we have to go on right now is from the audiologist. He doesn’t hear until 35 decibels, and that’s a whisper for him. He has Sensory Integration Dysfunction, and seeks out sensory input he’s not getting. This results in him pushing over heavy furniture, which appears to be destructive behavior, but is him trying to participate in heavy play so his senses are stimulated. Reid is the light of my life, but it is exhausting. I will love him no less if he’s autistic, but I grew up with developmental delays myself, and it’s not a life I necessarily wanted for him. I don’t want things to always be harder for him. I want things to be easier for him than they were for me.

And, I’m filing bankruptcy due to massive medical bills from 2018. Basically, I worked at Cigna, and while I was pregnant, I had medical problems that didn’t affect Reid, but affected me, leaving me out of work. I had short-term disability from December through the middle of February. From February through May, I was supposed to have FMLA, and then from May-September was supposed to be maternity leave. I ended up leaving in September because I couldn’t afford to work and pay for childcare. Because I left, it caused a catalyst. FMLA retroactively denied, which caused my maternity leave to deny, because FMLA needs to be approved for maternity leave to approve. Because none of this approved, my health insurance from February-September essentially went retroactively unpaid. Because that happened, my insurance coverage terminated all the way back to February. Cigna recouped all the payments they made for ALL my health issues, and Reid’s birth, etc. So 6 months of insurance premiums AND every single doctor charge was on me. AND, to make matters worse, too much time had passed for Medicaid to pick up any of these bills. (You can only submit bills that are within 3 months.) So, I’ve been saddled with an insane amount of medical bills I just cannot pay.

I have multiple medical issues that require surgery. I require bladder surgery, and hip/pelvic surgery to correct dysplasia. My doctors won’t do it until I’m done having kids...all because I want one more in a few years. The pain and dysplasia with my hip/pelvis/low back prevent me from doing a lot of bending, walking, and lifting. This prevents me from doing much around the house. I feel miserable, like I’m useless and not enough of a person for my partner, because I’m not contributing as much as I feel like I should. If I clean the house, I can’t do anything else for the whole day. If I walk through a Sam’s Club, I’m done for a day or two. It’s a bad mental space to be in.

Sooooo, that’s my life right now. Then, add in touch deprivation because of the pandemic depriving me of the people I love. Add in my dread because of the state of the world. (#BlackLivesMatter, kiss my ass if you disagree) Aaaaand, I’m a million degrees of overwhelmed.

[imagineyourself]

Summer Love- Awsten Knight Imagine

Request- hi :) could you write an awsten knight imagine where you’re on warped tour with your band (as the vocalist maybe?) and you meet waterparks and get along with them well. but throughout the summer you start getting feelings for awsten and end up dating him. pls make it long? thank you xx

A/N- I know Iposted something similar to this earlier, but I need content and this was already done! I swear I’m working on other imagines! The Awsten ones are just already finished so it’s easier. I’m trying to queue them apart. ALSO THIS GIF OF AWSTEN IS SO CUTE OMG IM DED -Kat

“That was amazing,” You breathed as you walked off stage with the rest of your band. “definitely one of our best shows yet.”

“The crowd was just so into it. Did you see that guy in the mosh pit? He literally took off his pants.” Dani, your guitarist, said.

“I know right! It was so much fun, but now that ‘work’ is over we get to have some fun.” Alex, your drummer, remarked.

“Who do you want to hang out with? Or who do you want to see?” Jackson, the bassist, asked. Our set was pretty earlier, so a bunch of bands still need to perform.

“I vote for seeing concerts, and ones on the smaller stages.” You spoke.

“I agree, how about we go see Waterparks? They’re preforming soon.” Jackson threw in.

“Let’s go.” Y’all put up our equipment and grabbed each other’s hands and ran like 4 year olds down to the Cyclops stage. You guys were a little early so y’all talked to a couple of fans and took pictures. You glanced up at the side stage and caught the eyes of a blue-haired boy with a guitar around him, Awsten? You think that’s his name. You smiled at him and he smiled back. Dani tapped you on the shoulder making you turn around and break eye contact. Another fan wanted a picture. Once you had taken the photo, you looked back up to see he was gone.

A few minutes later, the boys came on stage. They performed with such electricity and high-energy and Awsten kept looking at me throughout the show. Time seemed to fly, because after what felt like 10 minutes they walked off stage.

“We should go hang out with them.” Dani suggested.

“Yeah, they seem cool, and Awsten seems to have a thing for Y/N.” Alex mentioned. You guys began walking to catering because Jackson was starving. While in line y’all ran into Waterparks.

“Hey!” Dani said going up to Geoff and giving him a hug and he hugged her back.

“We saw your show.” Jackson told them.

“We saw y’all. Y’all seemed to have a good time.” Otto said.

“We did. You guys are so talented, like, Awsten, some of those notes you hit while singing were incredible, especially in this heat.” You gushed.

“Some of the notes I hit! Clearly you haven’t heard yourself sing before. Like, almost all of the notes you hit are impossible for me even, in air conditioning.” He raved.

“Thanks.” You blushed.

“It’s totally true though! The only other people I know who can hit your notes are Kellin and Vic.”

“Aw, look at that! They’re bonding!” Alex said coming up from your left with the rest of the bands.

“Look! She’s blushing!” Dani pointed out.

“Awsten’s blushing, too.” Geoff laughed.

“Will you guys calm down! We were just talking about vocals.” You spat.

“Geez, okay.” Alex said putting his hands up and backing away.

“Sorry. That was meant to be so much gentler than it sounded.”

“It’s okay.” Dani said. Y’all were about to continue the conversation, but Geoff said:

“We have to get to the meet and greet. Sorry, guys, we’ll meet up after. I’ll text Dani.” After that, they began sprinting across the venue to get to the meet and greet.

“You got his number?” You ask Dani.

“Yeah.” She smiled.

“Do you like him?”

“Maybe.”

-Time skip -

Y’all met up with the guys later and it was so much fun. You guys all walked around the venue, watching the bands that were closing the show. After everyone was finished performing, y’all met up with State Champs and hung out with them. At some point during the night, you got Awsten’s number. You guys headed back to the van around 10:30.

-Time Skip (again) –

Over the course of the summer, you and Awsten got closer. It was nearing the end of warped and you were at one of the parties. There was drinking, of course, but you decided you’d rather not. That was until Derek screamed:

“FLIP CUP COMPETION!!!” Everyone hollered back with whoops and celebratory cheers. Someone grabbed you and placed you in front of a table with cups full of beer. You looked back to find that it was Awsten.

“Awsten, what are you doing?” You asked.

“I’m going to help you win this.”

“Why?”

“I just want to.”

“Um, okay, but you should know that I’m a super light-weight.” You had just turned 21 a few months ago and hadn’t had time or the will to drink enough to hold your liquor.

“That’s okay, that’s why I’m here.”

“Okay.” You trusted Awsten. You knew that he wouldn’t let or do anything to hurt you.

“GO!” Derek screamed and you picked up your first cup and downed it like a champ. You flipped the cup and it fell over, but on the second try you got it. The next cup, you flipped it in one go.

“For someone who claims to be a light-weight, you’re really good at this.”

“Thanks.” A minute or two later, you had flipped your last cup and raised your hands in victory.

“WE HAVE A WINNER FOLKS!” Derek yelled.

“Awsten, I did it! I won.” I began to sway slightly.

“Yeah you did! I’m so proud of you!” He exclaimed. You were about to take a step forward, but completely stumbled over your drunken feet. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy, champ.”

“I’m sorry. I guess it was waiting to hit.” You slurred. Your bandmates came over to you asking Awsten if you were okay.

“Yeah, she’s fine. Just a little drunk, but y’all go enjoy yourselves I’ll take her back to your van.” He put his arm around your waist and threw yours over his shoulders, making you lean on him. You barely walked out of the scene without falling. Once you guys got out of the scene, Awsten picked you up bridal style and carried you to your van.”

“You’re really strong, y’know that?” You slurred.

“I’ve been told.” He laughed,

“And hot. Like really, really hot. And funny, so funny.” You giggled, so out of your mind.

“Thanks.” He blushed a deep shade of crimson.

Once you guys got to the van, he managed to open the door and put you on your bunk. He’d been in here several times before, so he knew his way around. He tucked you in and made sure you were good before he got up to leave.

“Stay,” You murmured. “Stay with me Awsten.” You scooted over in the bunk to make room for him. He texted his bandmates where he was and to have yours crash in their van, took off his shirt so he could go to sleep and slid beside you. “Cuddle?” You asked. He came next to you and put his arm under you and you laid your head on his chest. (A/N- I know this is super cliché but let me have my fluff ok?)

-The Next Morning-

You woke up with the worst headache of your life. You felt something next to you, and found that it was Awsten. Wait? What was Awsten Knight doing in your bunk? Where were your band mates? Why did your head hurt so much? What happened last night? You began to panic.

“Hey, hey, hey. What’s wrong?” Awsten shot up and began consoling you.

“Can you just tell me what happened last night?” You said after you calmed down. He told you what happened and you let out a sigh of relief after finding out that you didn’t do anything stupid.

“Why are you so freaked out?” He asked.

“Past experiences. Bad experiences.”

“Oh okay.” He didn’t ask for any more information, he just hugged you.

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay,” He paused. “I should get going.”

“Okay,” He began putting on his shirt back on. “Awsten?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for making sure I was safe.”

“No problem.”

“Can you come here?” He came towards me. “Closer,” I whispered. “closer.” His face was centimeter away from yours. You leaned forward and made your lips touch. It was a sweet, passionate kiss. You pulled back first, much to Awsten’s disappointment. He took this opportunity to speak.

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

“Yes.” As you leaned in to kiss him, the bunk cover opened to reveal your bandmates as well as Awsten’s with their phones out snapchatting and taking photos.

“FINALLY!!!!” They all yelled.

“Oh my god! Can y’all fuck off?” Awsten yelled.

“Awsten, calm down, just let them do it.” You whispered cupping his face in your hands smashing his lips to yours.

“Are you getting this, Dani?” Alex asked.

“Yep.”

“Good.”

“Can y’all not be so loud? Dear lord my head is pounding.” You said. Geoff handed you some aspirin and water. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” After a few minutes of small talk, you got up and y’all left the van. Awsten and you walking hand-in-hand.

A/N- I know it’s really cliche and I’m sorry, but this was what I came up with. -Kat

�*Qy-t8