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reidslibrarybook · 3 years

Text

On The Mend

Pairing - Spencer x Fem!Reader

Warnings - Language, mentions of spencer’s prior drug abuse and Tobias Hankel, mentions of death by anthrax

Summary - Spencer’s fallen for you in possibly one of the worst cases he’s ever had to work, threatened by tiny little spores that ran through the air while his heart ran rampant for you. My interpretation of Amplification (4x24).

Category - fluff, hurt/comfort

Word Count - 5.6k

A/N - big thank you to @samuel-de-champagne-problems and @reidsacademia for helping me out, truly the best ppl ever. this was both fun and exhausting to write lmao. ik some parts of the story don’t match up with the episode but it’s fiction so….. :)

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—————————————-

He walked in with Derek and JJ, his heart thumping faster than it usually would for any case. Hotch had contacted everyone directly without any prior warning, JJ wasn’t even aware that there was a case. It had to be urgent, there had to be something so incredibly wrong for Hotch to call everyone in without consulting with JJ first.

Spencer’s gut was wrenching, churning from an anxious feeling gnawing away at his chest— afraid of what was to come. He placed his bag down and looked around as his vision began to slowly dizzy.

There were too many people buzzing around which drew his attention to too many places. It wasn’t until Hotch had ordered the room to silence, explaining the deadly situation of attack anthrax used on innocent people at the park, that his mind could finally focus on the life-threatening danger at hand.

Dr. Kimura, Chief of Special Pathogens at the CDC, came in to inform the team about the nature of the infectious disease. Everyone had come up with a preliminary profile in the short time it took for Spencer to clear his mind, organizing the rampant fears of a bad ending and filing them away into a cabinet for safekeeping.

He was too afraid to show his fear, completely speechless as he thought about his fate— about the fate of his mother. She had no one to care for her if he died via rod-shaped bacterial spores. There was a special place in his will for her, something he knew he needed to set up after his run-in with a certain unsub with DID who may or may not have killed him multiple times— saved and damned by the clear fluid injected into his veins.

Spencer’s ears perked up when he heard the clicking of someone’s heels coming from the door that was connected to the BAU hallway. An ethereal glow surrounded you as your feet padded across the carpet, placing the tray of Cipro on the table and looking up to Dr. Kimura with your clipboard in your hand.

You were absolutely breathtaking, his eyes widening so he could capture every detail about you as you nodded your head while Hotch gave you directions. You were exactly like him before the cruelties of the job stole the bright light in his heart— a wide smile that emitted an almost blinding sparkle as your eyes gleamed with the opportunity to be on the job with arguably the most successful female doctor of color at the CDC.

“reid...Reid.” He looked up as soon as the calling of his name registered in his brain, looking away from you to realize that everyone was staring at him.

“Y- yes, sir,” he cleared his throat and tried his best to avoid your amused smile and peering eyes that burned through the side of his head.

Hotch rolled his eyes with a hint of a smile playing on his lips. “Did you get all that?”

Spencer shook his head, his messy, unbrushed brown curls bouncing around as inertia moved them with the gesture of his head shake. “No. Sorry, sir. I was um, I was thinking about something else.”

Derek nudged his shoulder and whispered into his ear. “Were you thinking or were you feeling something, cuz I think there may be something hiding in your pants, kid.”

Spencer looked down quickly, afraid that something that he’d rather you not see until after the inconceivable third date he’d have to ask you on— a little fire burning inside him as he saw that there was nothing noticeable there.

Apparently, Derek hadn’t been whispering very well, Emily and JJ snickering from the other side of the room as you peeled your eyes off of him and stuck your gaze towards the little plastic cups on the table.

Dr. Kimura whispered something into your ear as you nodded, picking up the tray and passing around the plastic containers carrying the pills inside them— everyone thanking you as you made your way around. Spencer was nervous, trying to prepare himself for your presence in front of him. Your piercing eyes looking into his with beauty unknown to mankind.

You made it to him, holding the tray out in front of you as he stood there stunned. Spencer had no idea what to say or even the brainpower to mutter a quick ‘thank you’ that would have saved him the embarrassment and left the door open to further conversation, more so than silence.

The two of you were looking at each other intently, his cheek flushing a bright pink as you smiled and felt your face begin to heat.

Both of you looked towards Hotch as soon as his vocal chord began to echo his voice. “Prentiss and Rossi can interview the victims and head over to the crime scene, there’s a hazmat team waiting for you outside. Reid and Morgan, you can go with each other to Dr. Nichol’s house, the men from Fort Detrick believe that he may be a potential suspect, maybe you can find some kind of antidote there if you look far enough.”

Spencer nodded, reaching to grab his cup before Dr. Kimura began to speak. “Dr. Y/L/N can accompany the both of you.”

His heart beat faster than he ever thought he could when the sound of little tiny objects clashed onto a metal tray. Spencer looked down and saw that you had dropped it, the tray full of Cipro pills for the rest of the team.

“I- I’m so sorry,” you laughed with a slightly breathy tone, reaching down to salvage what was left of the pills that brought a cautionary optimism after ingestion.

Spencer instinctively reached down to help you pick them up, the little pills slipping out of his shaky fingers. He could feel the palm of his hands begin to sweat as he felt the warmth radiate from your body.

He could hear his pulse in his ears, distracted by your hands as they brushed against his fingers. Relief flushed through your system as you placed all the dropped pills onto the side of the tray, distributing the new ones into the cups. Spencer sighed, moving to stand up while his hands effectively worked to knock the newly set tray out of your hands— sending the pills onto the floor once again.

Silence had never been louder than it was then, everyone in the room entertained by the dance the two of you were doing around each other.

The two of you were about to lean back down to pick up the pills again and engage in the never-ending cyclical pattern of a dignity-draining performance before another pair of hands reached down to the floor.

“I got it,” Emily smiled with a knowing look on her face that she shot to the infamous Dr. Spencer Reid who couldn’t even stutter out one word like before.

“Um, I- I should go get another bottle of Cipro but I will meet you and Agent Morgan at the parking garage? I- if that’s alright with you, o- of course,” you stammered.

Spencer could do nothing but nod rapidly with his head, bobbing it up and down as you smiled and walked away with Dr. Kimura.

His eyes followed your figure until you left the room, sighing hopelessly while the rest of the team began to analyze the interaction between the two of you— quickly realizing how hard and fast the two of you had fallen for the other with just one passing glance.

—————————————-

His hands flopped against his bag, grabbing onto the strap as soon as he heard Derek walk up behind him as a defensive measure.

“So, you got the hots for Dr. Y/L/N?” Derek prodded, his shoulder bumping into Spencer as he rolled his eyes and steps to the side.

“I don’t.”

“C’mon man,” Derek pleaded, pulling the keys out of Spencer’s hand as his finger moved to push the lock button, “Are you mad at me?”

Spencer sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “No, I- I’m just frustrated I guess.”

“With Y/L/N?”

He nodded, leaning against the car and using the palm of his hands to rub his eyes. “I always screw things up whenever someone I lik-... am interested in is around.”

“Well you weren’t the only one that screwed up, she’s the one that dropped it first,” Derek offered.

“Yeah, then I knocked it over again,” he looked over to Derek, desperate for an iota of the charisma that he had naturally developed. Spencer wished for the luck that was imbued into his colleagues, longing for the ability to talk to someone even remotely normally.

Derek placed his hand on his shoulder, a placebo effect beginning to take place. “She likes you too, trust me.”

Spencer raised his eyebrow. “Trust you like the time I trusted you to read the unsub’s journals while I went to interview the witnesses?”

“C’mon kid, you don’t mean to tell me that you thought I’d actually read the ramblings of a psychotic serial killer.”

He rolled his eyes, a smile on his lips as his mind wandered back to think of you. Derek could tell Spencer’s infatuation had gotten to the point where the young genius was too enamored to be able to talk about anything but you.

“Reid, just ask her out,” Derek suggested, turning around and leaning against the car with Spencer.

“While we’re at risk of contracting anthrax?”

“If you want, but I think I’d wait until we’re in the clear from inhaling infectious spores.”

Spencer sighed, shaking his head as his fingers reached up to fiddle with the cuffs of his sleeve. “I- I don’t even know if I have a chance to be alone with her. She’s a busy woman and god knows I’m flying all over the country every other week. There’s just… there’s no way we’d work let alone an opportunity to ask her out.”

Derek looked over to the man beside him, pity spewing from the look in his eyes as he turned to see Spencer’s face— hopeless and tormented by the monsters of the past. He immediately looked away and towards the source of the noise that reverberated through the parking garage.

“Well you have one now,” he smiled, patting Spencer’s chest while he walked away from the car towards you.

“Agent Morg-”

He held up his hand and wrapped an arm around your shoulders which caused your giggles to fill the air. Spencer looked over right as the sound of your voice reached his ears, taking in the sight of you and Derek close together made his heart squeeze tighter with each impending contraction.

“Please, call me Derek,” he said as Spencer strode towards the both of them, stopping in front of them with a slight huff coming from his throat, “And you can call this little pixie stick of a man Spencer.”

He blushed slightly at the teasing nickname as you smiled and nodded politely when the two of you made eye contact.

Derek patted himself on the back mentally, untangling his arm around your shoulder and began to back away from the tooth-rotting moment that took place in front of him.

“Wait,” Spencer called, a fear of being alone with you swirling in his chest, “W- where are you going?”

“I’m gonna make sure the hazmat team is coming along just in case,” he shouted, reaching into his pocket to pull something out, “I’ll meet you two there.”

“But-”

Spencer reflexively closed his eyes as soon as a pair of keys came flying towards his face. Your hand had reached forward just in time to catch them in your hand, saving Spencer from a few little scratches on his face.

He opened his eyes slowly, his eyelids pretending to shield him from a danger he could have stopped. His eyes flew to you, standing in front of him with a shy smile on your face as he heard Derek walking away as laughs sounded from him.

“Th- thanks. I’m not good at um, at catching stuff,” Spencer gulped.

You nodded. “No problem. I couldn’t let it ruin your pretty face,” your eyes shot open, “I- I mean um, not that I think your face is pretty. I- it Is but I don’t know if that’s appropriate for me to say.”

His face flushed without a second thought, the floodgates of embarrassment and joy rushing through his veins. Spencer was giddy with reserved hope, his leg bouncing slightly.

“I- it’s fine… I think. I mean, I won’t tell if you don’t,” he smiled, a minutia of the beaming 22-year-old man shining through his hard, awkward exterior.

You grinned in agreement, holding up the keys slightly and placing them in his hands. You began to walk over to the passenger side door, a little fire of confidence lighting up inside him. He ran to the door before you could get there, opening the door a little too eagerly— hitting you with it and sending you flying back.

You giggled while he wrapped his hands to wrap around you as his back hit the car behind him.

“I- I’m sorry, are you hurt?” He steadied the both of you with his hands and used them to grab your shoulders, looking around with a need to make sure he didn’t injure you.

You looked up at him, your eyes meeting his as you saw the worry settled deep within the hazel. “I’m alright, Dr- I mean Spencer. I’m alright, thank you.”

He nodded, awkwardly— learning from his mistakes and slowly pulling the door open for you to enter. He made sure that your legs were fully in the vehicle before shutting the door, swaying back and forth with his hands flailing by his sides as he rushed to hop into the driver’s side.

Spencer stuck the key into the ignition and closed the door, buckling his seat belt and pulling out of the parking spot. He wasn’t the best driver by any means but he was cautious enough to drive well on the road, expecting things that the average person wouldn’t be able to.

His eyes couldn’t help but drift over to you, impairing his ability to drive to the extent of almost killing the both of you.

“Spencer!” You yelled, using your hands to catch the steering wheel from drifting.

He ripped his eyes away from you reluctantly, albeit the danger he’d put you both in if he continued to stare at you from his seat, using his hands to direct the car back onto the road and away from the railing on the bridge.

“S- sorry. I was a little…”

“Distracted?”

He pressed his lip into a thin line as his face flushed again, his eyes glued to the road like they weren’t just glued to you. “Maybe.”

You laughed, “Yeah, you seem to wander off a lot.”

“It’s hard to focus when someone like you is around me,” he blurted, a burst of confidence igniting in his chest.

“That’s either a compliment or an insult, I don’t think I can tell.”

He smiled. “I- I don’t think I meant it as the latter.”

You could feel your cheeks heating up like they had so many times before, only this time, it was for someone who was worth the effort. You had heard of Spencer before, Dr. Kimura speaking words of good grace about him as she described his thesis papers while he sought out his Ph.D. in chemistry.

When she had told you that you would tag along on a case involving the BAU, your heart practically leaped out of your chest as you began to fantasize about the wonders of Dr. Spencer Reid.

It wasn’t until you dropped the tray of Cipro in front of him that you truly fell for the man, enamored by the handsome twinkle in his eye and untamed brown curls.

“So… do you get cases like this often?”

“Is there a reason why you’re asking?” He poked.

There was a reason you’d asked, trying to gauge whether or not your professional careers would ever cross paths again in the future. “No. Just curious,” you lied, the little harmless falsities falling from your lips easily.

He nodded. “Not very often, it’s usually a little more bloody and gruesome and a little less infectious disease that may not have a cure. Do you?”

You chuckled, “I mean, I do work with Dr. Kimura at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention so I’d say yes.”

“Right,” he sighed, internally slapping himself across the face for such a stupid question. If it wasn’t for the ringing that came from his phone, he knew he would’ve imploded right in his seat.

Spencer parked the car into the driveway of Dr. Nichol’s house, reaching for his phone as you waited outside the car for him to enter.

“Kid, where are you?” It was Derek, an impatient tone in his voice.

“I’m here, I just parked,” he said, grabbing his bag and the files he brought with him.

He heard an exhausted breath of air come from the other side of the phone. “I didn’t think there was any road congestion that would stall you for so long, did something else happen inside that car?”

Spencer shook his head, noticing the implicatory tone in his voice. “I don’t know what you’re insinuating, Derek, but nothing happened. I’m about to leave the car so we’ll see you inside.”

He hung up before Derek got to put in another word, afraid of what he’d say next.

You smiled at Spencer slightly before leading the way towards Derek who was waiting at the front of the house. “Derek,” you greeted.

“There you are, I thought I’d be waiting all day for the two of you to show up. Must be some really rough… traffic out there, huh?”

Spencer sighed, “You only got here 8 minutes before us.”

Derek raised his eyebrows, shrugging his shoulders. “A lot can happen in 8 minutes.”

Your heart beat faster at his suggestion, thinking about all the things he could be hinting at— things that would involve both you and Spencer.

“I should go inside to see if I can identify anything that might be a cure to the strain,” you suggested, eager to get away from the heavy tension outside.

“I um, I can help if you’d like,” Spencer piped up from the side, looking over to you for approval. You nodded, praying to any deity that Derek wouldn’t want to join.

Spencer motioned for you to go first, probably anxious to get away from the teases that followed his every move when Derek was around.

“Here,” he opened the door for you to go in as you looked at him thankfully, stepping in as a breeze hit your face.

Spencer walked in behind you, a crunch sounding beneath your feet. The two of you looked down to notice a pile of broken glass on the floor… and a white powder surrounding it.

You made eye contact, a switch that flipped into your brain ran to close the door as Derek walked up to the glass.

He knocked on it with his hands. “Y/N? What’s going on.”

“Derek please,” you pleaded, “You need to get out of here.”

You fiddled with the lock, trying your hardest to keep the door shut for his sake.

“What are you doing? Y/N, let me in.”

Spencer walked up behind you to help you lock the door, the metal clicked as the two of you hoped that it was sealed closed enough.

“Reid?”

“Derek.”

They shared a look, a mutual understanding between them formed right as Derek looked at the broken glass on the floor.

A mutual understanding that you and Spencer were completely screwed.

—————————————-

The two of you had been sitting around for about half an hour, sitting in silence as the eerie sense of doom settled in between the both of you.

Derek had notified the team as Hotch decided that it was best if the two of you continued to work the case. With each other’s help, you found what you thought was the antidote in Dr. Nichol’s inhaler— keeping it on the table for safekeeping as you waited to be escorted out by people in large red suits.

A ring sounded from the table, Spencer reaching over to answer the call.

“Garcia?”

“Hey, Reid.”

“Wow,” he laughed without any sense of humor in his voice, “No witty Garcia greeting for me?”

She sighed, “I can’t be my sparkly self when you are where you are.”

He paused before continuing, “Do you think you could do something for me? Will you record a message for my mom, I can’t call her without alerting everyone at her hospital. I just… I need to have something for her just in case anything happens.”

You sat there in silence as he spilled his heart out through his lips, heartfelt words being recorded through the phone for, truly, the only person he had left.

Spencer was about to hang up before Penelope’s typically cheery voice sounded through. “Wait! Dr. Y/L/N, nothing’s going to happen to you, of course, but do you want to record something for someone too?”

You shook your head despite her not being able to see it, Spencer clearly analyzing your body language. “I’m good. I um, I have no one to call.”

Silence set in between the three of you, an ‘alright, I have to get back to Hotch now but I will be in touch’ coming from the other end before it went dead.

You could see the pity in Spencer’s eyes, his mother wasn’t lucid but at least he had someone to call.

“A- are you alright?” He asked carefully.

You nodded. “Fine. It’s nothing new,” you laughed, “I’ve been alone for a while so I’m used to it.”

“Right.” He couldn’t think of anything to say to fill the void that surrounded the both of you, a thick tension enveloped the room.

“Do you ever think that you could have done more in your life? Like there are too many shortcomings to count?” You commented, leaning your head back on the wall and closing your eyes.

“I do. All the time, it’s really all I think about.”

“There’s just been so many different things I wish I could have been able to do. I don’t think I’ll be able to do them now.”

He rolled his swivel chair closer to you, trying to catch your eye line. “We found the cure, we just have to wait until we get out of here.” A lens of cynicism shielding your eyes, unwilling to hear Spencer’s optimistic ramblings.

“I don’t know, Spencer. There’s a chance that the cure isn’t even in there.”

Spencer gave in to your glum, sighing and leaning back as if he was your reflection in the mirror. He tried to be like Penelope, he tried to think of the good things in life at his darkest times but how was he supposed to when everything you said rang true to his ears.

There was nothing more that he could do to turn the logical side of his brain off, completely lost in the despondent thoughts that plagued his mind. It was almost as if the spores whirling around the room weren’t the only thing that was infectious, your corrosive thoughts imposing themselves onto his.

It wasn’t until your laughs that were intended to cut the silence in the room shredded his inner monologue that began to describe his doom.

He looked over to see your shining smile as you shook your head with an unbelieving look on your face. “God, I’m just thinking about everything that’s happened in my life and I can’t imagine one thing more sorry than the fact that I haven’t kissed anyone in my entire life.”

“R- really?” Spencer’s shock seeped out from every pore on him, viewing the sadness on your face.

You shook your head. “Nope. I mean, I’ve just been so busy with everything. I haven’t found the time I guess.”

You turned your head so your eyes met his, his jaw still dragging on the floor. It was surprising that someone as stunning as you were a virgin to a simple kiss on the lips. You looked away, expecting some kind of pitiful response.

“I- I don’t even know why I said that,” you admitted, seeing that he was still sitting there motionless on his chair, “I think I’m just more inclined to now that I know there’s a high probability that I won’t make it out of here.”

He nodded along mindlessly, his brain choosing not to process the words that flew out of your mouth.

Spencer should’ve said something, left inarticulate and mute by your admission. He remembered his first time kissing someone, it was with Ethan— the man who also doubled as his first love. It was a memory that he would never give up, a moment he could never share.

It was pure and innocent and naive all balled up together and stuck in a little place in his heart and his mind… but this situation was far from any good thing that could be associated with it.

He made a split-second decision, grabbing your hands and pulling your chair towards him as he leaned forward so his lips met yours.

It was sultry in the beginning, your eyes still open in disbelief before you reciprocated his gesture— moving your mouth in tandem with his. Your brain began to imprint all the feelings, all the emotions that followed from a single interaction with the most unbelievable person.

His hands grabbed your waist as your thighs were flush up against his, your hands migrating and settling down in the cavernous forest of his hair. He used the tip of his thumb to pull down slightly on your chin, allowing him access to your tongue.

Spencer led you in a dance of tango, well-arranged with an intention to produce the most spectacular combination of your first and potentially your last kiss.

He pulled away from you, feeling that you were losing the breath in your lungs while intaking his. His eyes scanned your body, landing on your plump lips that were upturned and shiny from the events that had happened before.

Before either of you could say anything, Dr. Kimura entered in an unmissable bright red suit. She called for you both and ushered you out of the infected room to be hosed down and cleaned.

You weren’t looking forward to being hit with tho cold water, especially not after how hot you had gotten from the kiss that had graced your lips seconds before.

The sound of rushing water hit your ears as you and Spencer were sprayed simultaneously with just about the coldest thing you’ve felt in your entire life.

The two of you looked up as soon as Derek came into the room.

“I just talked to Hotch, I’m all clear to see the both of you to the hospital.”

Spencer shook his head immediately. “N- no. It’s alright, you don’t have to stay.”

“Kid, there’s no way I’m not staying,” he said, completely oblivious to what was about to happen next.

Soaked, you chimed in with your timid voice. “They’re um, they’re going to have us t- take our clothes off. S- so they can scrub us down.”

A knowing look dawned on his face as he smirked and quickly tried to make his way out of the room. “I see why you want me outta here, Pretty Boy.”

Spencer groaned with the line that dropped from the man who dipped so quickly to give him the best shot of seeing you naked, as if you weren’t surrounded by four other people— not exactly the most romantic… or sexy thing.

He looked over from where Derek was standing to you, his eyes averting their gaze right as he caught a glimpse. Your shirt had transformed from an opaque white to a sheer transparent film that clung onto your brightly colored bra.

His cheeks reddened with a dark crimson, completely flustered by your undressed state. There was no way he was going to survive seeing you fully naked, especially not with so many people around you.

You looked up from your downcast gaze on the rest of your body, noticing that he was trying his hardest to give you the utmost respect in the most awkward of situations.

You were about to speak before Dr. Kimura jumped in. “Dr. Reid. Did you cut yourself?”

The both of you looked down to the nick on the back of his hand, obtained from the thorn on the little rose bush on the side.

You began to panic internally. The man you fell so hard for in the beginning, the man that put aside the bad to give you one last shot of happiness before your inevitable downfall was directly exposed to anthrax via bloodstream.

The both of you knew the data, the statistics— keeping quiet while everyone rushed to scrub you down. You turned away from each other, your heart cracking with every cough that came from him.

The two of you were rushed out together after the scrub down was done, your mind and heart racing together as they hurt for the man beside you. There wasn’t any space for you in the ambulance, so you sat over the coughing mess of a man in the gurney.

“Y/N,” he called, “I- it lime choose.”

You looked over to Dr. Kimura, knowing full well the bacteria had spread to his brain, impairing his ability to speak— literally.

“It’s alright, Spencer. We’re getting you to the hospital, you’re going to be fine.”

“It…” he coughed, “lime choose.”

You nodded along to appease him, having no idea what he was saying or what he really meant to.

Your feet ran quickly to follow him in as they rushed him into a room.

“Y/N!”

You looked back and saw Derek running up to you.

“I need to go to him, Derek,” you whispered with the tiniest voice and the littlest teardrop on the cusp of breaking free, “I need to.”

“No,” he grabbed your arm and ran you towards the horde of doctors that ran along behind you, “what you need to do is get checked out.”

You shook your head and yanked your arm away from him. “No! Spencer needs me, I can’t leave him alone.”

“He’ll be fine. He has the best doctors in Virginia working on him. He’ll wake up in a couple of hours, good as new, but I don’t think he’d appreciate it if you were dead by the time he woke up. He’d flay me without any hesitance,” he joked, attempting to lighten the mood.

“Derek, please. I need to…” you coughed, “I um, I need to…”

You didn't get a chance to finish your words before your eyes fluttered close and the world fell dark, feeling the warmth of Derek’s arms around you as your body made its way to the ground.

—————————————-

“There she is,” a familiar voice cooed, a bright fluorescent light beaming on your eyes. You rubbed them with your fingers and noticed that your bed was right next to his, to Spencer’s.

You giggled at the sight of plastic cups stacked upon each other to form a castle of sorts. “How much jello have the two of you been eating?”

“‘Two of us’? I think you mean him, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s 72% jello now,” Derek joked.

Spencer shrugged, a spoonful of red jello still in his mouth. “What? I like jello!”

The three of you laughed together before you began to speak. “Wh- why am I here? Um, in Spencer’s room?”

“Well I assumed that you’d want to be in here based on staying with him earlier,” Derek exposed.

You looked away, feeling Spencer’s eyes bore through the side of your face.

“Derek, can you get me some more jello cups?”

He nodded, catching his drift and winking at the two of you before leaving the room.

Spencer sighed nervously, “What if I gave you someone to call? You know, if you’re ever stuck in a room full of anthrax again?”

It was your turn to be speechless. “What?”

“‘I like you.’ That’s what I was trying to say on our way here. ‘I like you.’ I um, I have since I knocked those Cipro pills out of your hand,” he confessed, his fingers playing with the plastic spoon in his hand.

You breathed out an air of relief, solaced by Spencer’s declaration and reassured by how nervous he was to admit his feelings.

“Thank god, I was really hoping that kiss wasn’t the last one I had… especially with you.”

He looked up from his downward stare. “I didn’t want that to be my last with you either, but you never answered my question” he breathed.

You could see his face becoming almost as red as the cherry jello he was absent-mindedly poking at.

The palpitations of your heart became irregular as his words tugged at the strings that attached to the beating muscle in your chest. A tingly, numbing sensation filled your upper body and had you breathing faster than you were before.

“I would um,” you laughed, finding that you couldn’t express your feelings into words, “I’d really like to have someone to call next time I have to deal with a domestic bioterrorist attack.”

The thought of being put into the same position you had been in earlier made you cringe, but you couldn’t help but feel a warmth bloom around you when he reached over to grab your hand and gave it a squeeze.

It was an intimate act, appropriate and sensual at the same time.

You scooched over to his side, leaning your head onto his shoulder while looking up at him as he placed a quick kiss onto your lips…

The second of many more to come.

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mikeshanlon · 4 years

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iwwv anon and PHEW OK. I def did not expect that essay and now I feel bad cause I KNOW my thots r not gonna be articulate or right. nonetheless! i think Oliver does qualify as an unreliable narrator cause hes. very oblivious but not like... Richard papen (who is a whole ass clown don't get me started on tsh) but not like addy from dare me(I will support till the day I die that dare me is da like I WILL die on this hill) who sees what she wants to see. 1/?

i think he just... thinks that his friends r diff ppl than they actually r? that doesnt rly make sense but yea. what I mean is that everything the characters do is coated in that empathetic view Oliver has which is usually wrong? so we don't get an objective look into the characters. meredith is my girl like I love the hot popular girl trope deconstruction but at the end of the book she's not at a great place like she's w someone that doesn't love her like she needs to be loved... 2/

I guess the most probable ending is that James never meets Oliver again and that everyone is kinda stuck on what happened but that's soo sad and I really don't want to think abt it. ngl iwwv wasn't like my fave book ever and I really don't understand why people are so obsessed with dark academia sometimes but what i rly liked abt the book is that despite how fucked up everyone is and how toxic they r to each other they do at heart care abt one another...3/

like I rly liked that esp cause at that point the only other da book (other than dare me!) that I had read was tsh and godd every character is so fuckinh annoying and they all hate each other. i was super confused by it till I saw someone saying that it's satire and I felt my mind explode. I feel like this is so long but I didnt rly properly answer all you wrote sorry! I think its a pretty good book tho it has some crazy quotes like hold awn Im gonna look at the highlighted stuff on my copy.. 4/

Were you in love with him?” “Yes,” [...]Yes, I was.” It’s not the whole truth. The whole truth is, I’m in love with him still. LIKEEE PHEWW OK OK OK. WE OUT HERE. that line literally made me go crazy. I'm so sorry for any spelling mistakes or like general mistakes I made here English isn't my first language, it's 1am and I wrote this in the notes app w/o looking it over. so like.. NOT a professional review lemme tell you. 5/5

Ahh im so sorry I did not see this before I yeeted for a month!!!

Oooh okay first of all dare me as a DA… I’ve only watched the show but like yeah I see the Elements for sure.

Also yeah I can understand what you mean abt Oliver being an unreliable narrator now… Ig my view of unreliable was more like they are purposefully twisting the truth or omitting facts or just literally don’t know shit but I get how personal bias can make the narrator unreliable. I do think the assertion that Oliver thinks his friends are different than they actually are makes sense. He sees James in a very positive light and though I like James a lot and think he is better than, like, Richard, he definitely has darker moments and manipulates Oliver at times (again I’d like to think it’s not the most nefarious thing in the world but like him just being shitty bc he’s in a dark place and he one, wants to do anything he can so Oliver doesn’t figure out he fought Richard so Oliver still thinks of him the same way/bc he knows Oliver would do something stupid like get himself arrested for James; and two, is very jealous that Oliver is with Meredith after Richard dies and has sort of a somewhat positive outcome from Richard’s death versus James being riddled with guilt and anger). And yeah, the probable ending is they never meet but I refuse to acknowledge that so LGNRG. Also that line makes me go CRAZZZZZZZZZZY!!! There are so many great lines, both using Shakespeare and on their own and its like okay give me a moment im going bonkers…

Personally, I haven’t read that many dark academia novels yet (bc for some reason i can barely finish a book rn sigh) but the concept interests me. I think what’s compelling is the setting/atmosphere of like ~mysterious college vibes~, and the idea of a sort of niche, obsessive bond and pursuit of knowledge with a tight knit group of friends (and the like inherent homoeroticism in every single DA elrngenrg). Like Dead Poet’s Society (the film I haven’t read the book) isn’t Dark in the same way most other dark academia is by like, obsession and death and manipulation (though of course there are dark elements with Neil’s storyline), but I think the other building blocks of academia are present there in a more wholesome way and you can see why people are drawn to that idea. As for the more Dark aspects I think it’s interesting to analyze things like group psyche, obsession, manipulation, etc, like what went wrong for everything to take such a dark turn???

But, like everything else, it really has to be done well or else its just like okay….… I’ve tried to read TSH twice and I may try again but from the 100+ ish pages I read I totally get what you mean. IWWV is so interesting to me bc the characters are all very compelling and multifaceted and I like that they are a close friendship, we come in after 4 years of them spending all the time together and to me that is apparent. Like you said, we can see fissures and problems especially as the novel continues but there is care there between them. That also makes the decision to let Richard die much more interesting and sinister imo, as well as how all of them interact with each other after he dies, and how the roles of the group change without their “leader” so to speak. Also, maybe it’s just bc I like Shakespeare, but I think the academia part of IWWV is so much more accessible compared to TSH. Like I don’t know every Shakespeare play or anything so I didn’t understand every nuance or was like immediately like oh this is from Cymbeline or whatever the fuck, but you could understand the gist of things and it made sense that they spoke in Shakespeare lines bc that’s all they’ve been doing for four years and also theatre kids are Like That. Their pretention also provided any Layers to the story, like the parallels between the characters they play and their own arcs, how some of the lines echoed their own thots, foreshadowed, or they were able to say things through Shakespeare (I’m thinking of like, Oliver realized he loved James during Romeo and Juliet, the foreshadowing that James was going to ruin Richard’s life and that he dislikes Meredith/Richard when he quotes Mercutio at the start “A plague o’ both your houses”, the exchange Oliver and James had onstage and had that kiss during King Lear before Oliver was arrested,etc.) (Also I think the structure of some of the dialogue being formatted like a play really helped make it feel more realistic and immersive). Versus TSH which is just so pedantic and dense and hard to follow at times im like I get they are smart but what??? And maybe that’s part of the satire aspect (or maybe im dumb) but like donna I read TGF I know you are pretentious and info dump abt random obscure shit anyways so erglknerg. Like to me there was a Point to all of the academic Shakespeare stuff in IWWV and it was the soul of the book, and M.L. Rio made it very interesting—like the way that the directors reimagined the plays and had Julius Caesar be like a modern political play, the cool mirror shit in King Lear, the Macbeth and Romeo and Juliet performances where they did them at events and interacted with their environments (which were one of my favorite parts of the books bc I just think that concept is so interesting), etc. For TSH the shit they did literally just felt like “okay look at them they’re smart see you can’t even keep up!” like okay… I felt lost a lot and only like snapped into reality whenever Henry (?) was like oh… murder….. and even then I was like idk what this dude is saying but like he’s being darksided LMAO. And I also agree that it’s just like… Richard being thrown in the middle of this group could lend itself to some cool ideas but its hard to believe that he fits into the friendship group and hes just like hell yeah I love Greek so much and lets go kill this guy other than like okay ur gay and stupid and just want to impress Henry or whatever his name was (which he was but I digress). It’s just not as impactful to me as this close friend group falling apart. Ik TSH fans might be angry if they see this (and of course I haven’t finished the book so my perception may be warped but I also kno many ppl felt that way u did) bc I’ve seen ppl say IWWV is just like TSH but “lackluster” or whatever and while I can see some parallels (mostly b/w Richard and Henry and Alexander and Francis), I really think M.L. Rio expanded upon common DA tropes and the interesting parts of TSH but made it her own and interesting and oh yeah there are actually multiple compelling female characters and LGBT characters (and no incest)!!!

#if we were villians #books #also literally dont apologize for any mistakes or going bonkers like i have no problem n i understood what u meant anyways LMAO #anon #ask

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ingayderzim · 5 years

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not to be that person who asks a googleable question but wtf is hazbin hotel bc i googled it and the only “critical” thing i could find was a typo-ridden article of someone saying it has good animation and its haters are stupid. i was able to glean what it is/what it’s about but idk about the discourse lmao

Im actually so glad u asked this. Here's the lowdown, this is my definitive answer to hazbin shit from here on out, unless new info comes about of course.

Hazbin hotel is an independent cartoon by vivziepop. Most people (that ive seen) have agreed that the pilot of the show really isnt that great but the reason it has so many fans is bc of the entertaining livestreams, massive amounts of canon content produced (she has had these characters for years), unique art style, and the characters. (Ass ugly but unique.)

Its haters are totally justified bc of some of the "controversial" (read: bad) things vivziepop has done. Here's the conclusion that my friends and classmates (several of whom are Black, one Hispanic woman, and one trans woman...nellie if ur reading this i 💜 u) and i came to after discussing this stuff. I am NOT saying "well my black/trans friend said it's ok so i dont have to think about it!" this is based on a few different conversations that my friends and i have had about this topic so what im saying is that my opinion was formed by talking about this situation with multiple people affected by the controversy.

One controversial thing is a drawing u can easily find on google (called beastiality.jpg i believe?) It's a cropped (chest and up, but hes obv naked) drawing of vivziepops character, drawn by vivziepop, moaning, with a snake around him. The character is 17. Many people have interpreted this as child porn. I dont think this image is pornographic, i think it's a stupid joke (it was even tagged as a joke iirc) and completely inappropriate but since it's 8 years old on top of not being porn, i think it's just an example of a dumb drawing. That being said, i would NEVER argue that someone who is uncomfortable w the drawing (im uncomfortable with it! It's gross just not porn) or considers it porn is wrong. They are entitled to that opinion and i would never expose them to vivziepops work or talk about her stuff around them if they expressed to me that they disliked the image.

Another thing is that she drew a doodle of two racist TERFs. This is the one where my friends of color, my friends who are black, and my friends who are trans women took the lead. I sat back for this part and here's their and my opinion on this after talking about it and verbally going through this whole situation.

She was following these women (who had done blackface and stuff) and drew art of them. The art was a "quick doodle" that she did apologize for and she said she didn't realize the extent of their beliefs. She knew they werent great but hadnt consumed much of their content in depth. I believe her bc while ive never followed anyone as bad, ive certainly followed some pieces of shit and didnt notice for months simply bc im not online all the time and bc of the volume of people i follow, combined with the non chronological algorithms lately.

At the risk of screwing myself, im going to admit that there was about a year or so of my life where i enjoyed The Amazing Atheist. I was even subbed to him. I was a nonbinary lesbian (2 things he cant stand lmaoo) in catholic school and therefore i strictly watched his videos about theological stuff since thats what was frustrating me at the time. I had no clue the type of evil racist, transphobic, homophobic (yes ik hes bi), misogynistic things he thought, said, and did, bc i didnt watch those videos. I literally only watched select theological ones that could be of use to me while edgily debating my teachers (sorry mrs macdougal but u had it coming). I was about 15 at the time and im 19 now. Im sorry to everyone i hurt by ever having supported him. I had one of his quotes written in the inside of my religion notebook in high school. I regretted it and ripped the page out the moment i discovered the truth about him. I cant stress enough how much I HATE HIM. Thats an example of what i think happened here tho.

One of my friends who is a trans woman said (paraphrasing) "i think the worst thing shes done is that terf art but i believe the apology especially bc it was a quick drawing."

That being said, i would NEVER argue with someone who wanted nothing to do w vivziepop bc of this. That's their right. 100%. I would never expose them to her work after that.

The last thing i remember is something about a pedophilic couple in a comic but i heard it was a 17 year old and a 19 year old. Im 19 and if one of my peers did that i wouldnt say pedophile but id say ur a fucking weirdo, BUT, the kids were fake and being written by an adult so i can totally see her thinking that age gap is much less of a big deal than it really is. Like she forgot what it's like at this age. Idk how true any of that part is tho, i heard that info entirely secondhand.

Another thing to do with racism is that there's a joke within the show where one character says to the other

"don't get your taco in a twist"

"Was that supposed to be racist or sexist?"

"Whichever one pisses you off more"

I thought that was gross but one of my friends pointed out that vivziepop is of el salvadorian descent so that's her business. Like if i made a lesbian joke of equal or greater offensiveness than that and someone tried to call me lesbophobic over it id be like "that's literally my territory."

Oh speaking of which that character's name is vaggie and shes a lesbian but it's not pronounced w the same G you'd hear in "vagina." Vivziepop seems to name characters weirdly (like how in helluva boss theres a guy named blitzo and the o is silent) so maybe it's a pussy joke but i have no idea.

The animation was.................better than i could do, i wanna say the faces and gestures were good but god i remember there was a part with a car and my gf had to pause so i could laugh my ass off at it. I wouldn't describe the animation as a highlight but i liked the style in motion i thought it was a fun change. Vivziepops style is not appealing imo but i appreciate it as an art student and as someone whose friends all like she ra and steven universe where every character looks the goddamn motherfucking same, and while its chaotic and i dont care for it, the style actually works way better in motion than you'd think.

A good rule that i def use is to assume hazbin fans are guilty until proven innocent. If someone says they dont care about the discourse surrounding it and like it no matter what, RUN! They would support the show even if the creator was in fact a pedophile, or had done the blackface/was a terf herself! They probably support some horrible ppl and are probably "anti antis." A lot of them are minors tho so i'd say block and move on.

So, do i like it or not? Im an art student and all my friends like it so while i didnt think it was funny, i do fuck with it. At the convention this weekend my friends and i had a convo that led to me drawing an ahego hoodie where the faces were angel dust (a character's) face. It was a joke that i could make a killing by selling that in a booth at a con.

Theres really nothing compelling about the show but my friends like it so i join in on their conversations, and i do have a soft spot for angel dust bc he's like a worse, less amazing and gorgeous version of one of my characters, Candy, the love of my life.

A lot of people say the show was edgy/offensive and maybe im just desensitized but besides the taco thing i didnt pick up on that whatsoever??? The Archer episode "Swiss Miss" is worse than helluva boss and hazbin combined and even archer isn't offensive.

Im probably not aware of all the "discourse" (aka people being reasonably uncomfortable by weird and bad shit this random woman has done, and other ppl saying their opinions are wrong when it's literally just an opinion about a show) so if anything she's done isnt included in here it's not to defend vivziepop, this is genuinely all i know. I wouldnt describe myself as a fan of hers.

#hazbin hotel #anon

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madigabz · 7 years

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Alan Gouze :) the name of the man that has had my heart for a quarter of my whole life!!! Wow, and he adores me even tho I am 100% a clumsy, forgetful, emotional HOT mess...I'm reading your letter and responding back as I go. Even though my feelings were a little hurt that you said I'd be sexier if I didn't get emotional, I understand. Alan I am a little mentally broke, but I'm different. And thankful for that. Bc even if depression, OCD, ADD, insomnia, all of my health problems, pain, overthinking overcasts me; I still shine. Tyler said something to me at Applebee's when I saw him. He told me that one day someone will come into my life and tell me that my hair, eyes & smile glow. I radiate in the sunshine, and I'll know what they mean by it when that day comes. I am so hard on myself but I've had a handful of people- strangers and close friends tell me this. And I know it's true. I know there is more to me than usual. I still smile, I still shine. And I thank fucking whatever god is out there that my glow stays. My friend Angel that did reiki on me told me I've been carrying something since I was a child and that's the reason for my anger. It's someone else's burden that I have put on myself & the woman who read my tarot cards said something similar too. I really do have a little bit of poison in me but something in my soul, or even beyond my own existence, has given me this gift. As I get older, I become more and more scared that the reality of the world will take away my light. I smoke so much I can't even remember shit anymore. "Lose you." That's the song you told me to listen to and I'm sorry that I forgot but you bet your sweet ass the next day I bought it on iTunes and listened to it :) I'm sorry I float through life to avoid realism and pain. I don't mean to forget everything just the bad stuff but I can't pick and choose what my poor memory holds... Emperors new groove. Idr if I've mentioned it before this, but I saw it on the shelf in my room today. (I gotta take some pics of the apartment for you). I remember coming over right after all of the Jackie shit & finding out about your mom. Trying to overdose. You cried on my chest & you were so emotionally exhausted. I believe your mom was still in the hospital and we put a movie on in her bed. Emperors new groove :) it was snowing outside and it was the first time my mom blatantly was bitching about me staying the night w you bc her crazy ass drove by and saw my car at auburn hills, when I told her I was staying at Courtney's. I never felt so close to you like you let your guard down and let me feel your pain for once. Selfish of me to say but it was honestly beautiful to finally feel you so deeply. Connected and so raw. I feel like I use that word too much, raw, trying to explain myself to you but nothing fits better than it. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Speaking of the past. Alan at this point in my life idk and idc what was true and what wasn't when we were together before db (that's vals name for now on-dumb bitch.) but one thing I'm holding you to is honesty. I care too much about you and this relationship to see it as a joke where it's okay to lie to each other. Like you said that was the one thing you kept consistent of so please don't lose it. I respect you for your honesty. It isn't a trait people carry anymore. Good or bad, through manipulation, brainwashing, reverse psychology, mind games, everything that come with this fucking sick generation..I do not want to be apart of. I much rather be in the 50's than this day in age. I don't belong here. Mostly I belong in the water ;) can't say that it doesn't kill me a little everytime you talk about threesomes, fucking other women, having a 2nd gf. You need to stop with it. You take away my dignity little by little everytime you say some fucked up shit like that. Gotta admit, you were right tho. Out of FUN and fairness I'm sure one day in the future you can get my happy ass all buzzed up and in bed with another chick. Just don't give her all/special attention bc it'll strain our relationship for forever after that. This does not mean I am actually cool w an open relationship, you having another gf, or having sex with anyone else without me. Starting a new chapter. "Everything will be ok." "No one should ever see you crumbling"...that's the thing, trust me no one besides you sees me crumble. I don't talk about myself to anyone. I feel this void most of the days and I don't want to put a damper on anyone's mood. I never open mssgs or get back to ppl bc they dgaf about me or what I'm going through, think, feel. None of it. And I crave meaning too much, in everything, to be stuck in a one way friendship. I have wasted so much time and energy into ppl who are rotten eggs. They'll never be anything besides selfish i and I can't surround myself in that type of environment anymore. I'm killing myself slowly by not meeting my potential in life rn. I need more meaning. Not to make things more complex but the opposite. To feel full and complete by understanding shit all of the way. And ofc to make it through this terrible generation I was born into. I do see what you see baby...well for the most part. And I don't see the good in everything :p I know I won't always have someone to tell me life gets better. It has always been this way. I have taught myself this. Overthinking just kills me so much! Being a Virgo doesn't doesn't help that I overanalyze either! Fricken OCD-.- my brain sees & thinks things way differently than most ppl. Soul gotta be like 300:) I know you think differently too. I love my nerds ;) so sexy to me. Maybe that's why our souls just click. I am sorry I was quiet the other day. You knew I had something to say and I didn't say it. It wasn't the right time but it isn't a big deal so o don't want you worrying about it baby. Was I really that quiet and meh that you could tell? Or is it just bc you know everything about me?..-.- blessing a curse that you do! But I wouldn't want another man to try and understand me anyway bc I know he couldn't. It's time to stop living life for other ppl you say...idk if it's your 20's or what but I feel like I'm redefining my life again. Rediscovering who the hell I really am down to my core. I love YOU inside and out & to death!!!!!:,( pouty face. This is the most settling and amazing letter I have gotten so far. Thank you for these words I really needed it. I love you all the way through your tough skin and down to your beating heart Alan. Changing my diet is the least of my worries and it's awesome bc I'm going to get sexy af!:) I've been gluten free before. Not having cheese just breaks my lil heart tho lol. Yes my parents have fucked me up. But I workdue with it and try to overcome the shiftiness they make me feel. Ik I'm a pussy. But my dad has definitely fucked w my head and has never made me feel good enough. Maybe that's what I feed off of you and why I want you so bad. My mom is just an emotional crazy lady w multiple personality disorder lol. But at least they didn't hit me. Just verbally f*cked my shit up. "Do everything your heart desires" "even if I get out and we can't stay together 1 yr isn't shit to wait" do you understand how absolutely fucking amazing it is for me to see you say that? You're right everything happens for a reason and it'll all collide during the time it's suppose to. The stories held in the fate of the stars ;) "before we know it we'll be 30 looking back laughing." Nothing has sounded more fulfilling than that small, little sentence. I am studying finally! And I hope the pain fades away w my diet too:( my poor locked up bf has to tell me everything is going to be okay. I can't even say anything to compare to this last letter. You were too smooth with your words, and I can't tell you how refreshing it is for you to be away from me through out a whole year and wanting to stay faithful. We were blessed with each other . Keifer was right, never could stay away from each other. You will always have me too baby. I can't tell you how bad I need to hear this. You have helped me more times than I count. And for sure more than I have helped you. I can't say thank you enough for making me feel so much better . You're the wind beneath my wings <3 & the cheese to my cake. Thank you for loving me for who I am. I reread our letters last night an I am so proud of the man you are becoming. You'll have me sitting passenger cruising in your vehicle in no time toots. A place, school, income, a dog :), happiness, prosper, feeling complete. Taking care of each other, midnight runs grocery shopping. I love you with all that I got, every ounce of my being. And I hope I WILL always have you. You are stronger than so much of the race around this world. I am glad you are all mine. Love you always my sweet, handsome man. I never mentioned anything about the pics I sent. The picture after the 2012 one was when I went fishing w Anthony and t the other day. I'm pretty sure I took some pics of the water for you, I'll have to look. Ofc next one is me omw to see you. I put a wonderful alnatural big tshirt mirror pic on there for you since you're all about natural beauty:p speaking of I'm getting all new make up bc I bet that's why women age faster as they get older! We get words looking you guys get better and we carry your children wtf lol. The black dress is what I wore to Josis party, I sent the one and only picture I took at her party. Does exhaustion look sexy on me baby?:b. The last pic is from the gas station I went to after seeing you. The sky was soo overwhelming in red. There a w a double rainbow and it looked to rad & gleaming from the sky. It was beautiful!! I also wanted to show you my red robe that I have two of(: silky and comforting af, I can't wait to wearing matching robes with you:) lol do yoga, face masks, spoil or ourselves and one another as well. I can't wait to run my hands all over your body and give you a massage. Rob made me Nutella and strawberries tn, made me think about how bad I want to lick Nutella off of your body right now. I got wet from just thinking about it..mmm I'll take some sexy pictures tmmrw night for you. Happy I'm coming to stay for a whole weekend next week. You're my kryptonite and I love everything about you. Give me time so I can give you a kick ass amazing, inspiring letter next!!!! You rule my world. Forever and always sugs, you are my forever and always<3 3 am and time to crash. Hope you're having a kinky dream About it rn;) just ordered that vibrator off of amazon and metal kegel balls bc I guess they feel amazing. I can't wait to be with you. Like we always say, sex and a real bed. It'll be so soon sweetheart and I will have money for us to get a place as soon as you get out. Thank you for telling me to go wherever you astound me but life is just not the same without my other half. You're my soulmate I'd do anything for you. Being in southern michigan doesn't effect me as long as I'm there with you. You're my sunshine..goodnight love.

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