talking2myselfagain - Tumblr blog

[talking2myselfagain]

.x8

I wish i loved you when i had the chance. I told you, it has been one of my greatest regrets. Maybe in a different time or in a different place things would work best for us.

I’m sorry i left so soon too, i was just getting so comfortable, i couldve sat there on that electric box and talked to you for eons, i was just getting scared. Scared of how good i was feeling, things that feel like drugs scare me. It was you and it’s been you since that day.

But that was then.

And this is now and i want to be in your life, if you are comfortable with that. I want to support you and your art. And i wanna be there to bounce around ideas with you. And i wanna know the new things you try. And i wanna hear the crazy things about your day. And i wanna laugh at your jokes again. And i want you to know that i refuse to give you up again.

Who would i be?

A fool,

To not prioritize what is the reality of what i want out of love and a person and an energy found only in the cave of water that made me transform into who i was truly meant to be.

I will forever miss you and i will forever wish i made the right decision. Forever Dupri, i will wish i loved you forever.

Even if you do decided to let me love you, i will regret not loving you before and for longer and for the things i didn’t understand and the things that i did.

I could’ve had everything with you. A young dumb girl, made a decision that changed her life for the worst when the best was staring her in her face. She ignored love, and has only been searching for that energy that i felt under that street light with you ever since.

-written after our night together on the town when we learned so many things old and new but how they are the same for me and you. 1/10/19 10:52pm

[talking2myselfagain]

I think the song sounds cool, I did it in like 20 minutes and the mix sounds the way Travis wanted it to sound for his record. I also approved it before it came out so the cease and desist wasn’t about 🔊 it was about 🏳️‍🌈. Me and Travis resolved it amongst ourselves weeks ago. 💖

[talking2myselfagain]

•I’ve always had the sinking feeling that i won’t be here for long, like my time has always been ticking down. Like the clock is running so fast and all i can do is cry and watch it and hope the transition will be smooth•

My depression is eating at me always

[talking2myselfagain]

.x7

My heart feels empty

Like a pit 

That erases all that matters 

And translates it to zeros 

And “I don’t knows”

A very severe 

Abrupt depressive episode 

Its almost comforting in this type of space. Because at least I’m not hiding from myself how horrible I feel. 

At least I know how long I’d like to sleep. 

Forever and a day

Eternally per say

Only to return when I need to, to lie and say everything is okay.

Instead of oversharing 

And scaring everyone on social media 

What space is mine to hold without wanting to cry and disappear 

What space is one to call a home 

Why is it expected that I can always hold on? 

Dark room sitting - Searching my mind - For a safe part of the fold 

Maybe a corner that’s even more cold

Numbed insanity. 

[talking2myselfagain]

when the night comes 

the beast proceeds to take my mind 

to his secret cave of darkness 

no light escapes or enters 

you’re just gone - a true imagined reality 

[talking2myselfagain]

sever the cold with your fazers 

think about the tragedy toll later 

on the road to infinite euphoria 

sacrifies may be made 

to get rid of the old 

‘euphorion’

[talking2myselfagain]

Ive got to stop over sharing on social media 

I think my long undiagnosed 

probably severe to acute

anxiety and depression 

is showing.

Yelp and yikes

Lol I did it again, gn

-transcribed from last night

[talking2myselfagain]

i think ive decided to let everything go.

it hurts too much to hold on.

for in fact in every space

i feel the most a lone but comfortable with people that know me

and

i feel the most a lone but free with people who do not

id rather not settle for either or

instead ill even the score

i will be no more

[talking2myselfagain]

.x6

every day I learn that i don’t need anyone as much as i originally thought. learning that i want people to love me as much as i love them, yet they never will. i put so much effort into others when i’ve had the wrong recipe the whole time. 

if only i had learned to love myself as much as i love others, then i might’ve been a happy person. 

today is my born day, it marks a new year of life, and i feel awakened. i feel like my emotional maturity will increase tenfold. and for me, that is where i definitely needed the most growth. i let my heart rule all of my decisions. but that is not always the best course of actions. i think i’m going to learn balance more than anything. 

i am excited to become a better version of me. i’m ready to be intentional, i’m ready to be true to myself, i’m ready to love me the most. 

[talking2myselfagain]

(Left to right) 1. Aquemini by OutKast 2. Tell Me I’m Pretty by Cage the Elephants 3. Reflections in Real Time by Kilo Kish 4. Spreading Rumors (Deluxe) by Grouplove 5. Voices by Phantogram

[talking2myselfagain]

.x5

This week I deleted my social media, lmao but this is social media so I kinda cheated. But i don’t think this counts bc no one follows this account. I’m literally talking to myself here. I treat this like my online diary.

But i deleted Snapchat, instagram, and Twitter. They were taking up too much of my time. And my anxiety is getting worse so when i am bombarded with so much information at once i literally get more stressed out and triggered. I would wake up and read the news and trending topics and start everyday crying. That couldn’t have been healthy.

If i redonloaded it, it was solely to screenshot a few events that were already sent to me, but i never went to the timeline.

I’m not going to redownload it until Sunday night maybe. And even then I’ll make the decision if I’ll keep it or not. Maybe I’ll go another week with out it.

My other purpose was to focus on direct communication. To realize that social media is just a place where we say things that we could all quiet honestly say directly to another person but we don’t so that we are not required to engage with them unless they engage with us. It’s weird, this form of conversation. It’s a i must be heard and seen attitude but not in the means of personal interaction. Why we do such things i don’t know.

I wonder how the creators of social media feel when they realiZe how much they’ve changed societal practices. When they think about the even grander potential implications of their actions on human kind. To know that your responsible for people depending on a platform of code that they cannot read instead of creating tangible spaces for personal communication to exist.

They are partially responsible for the downfall of direct communication and inperson interpersonal relationships. But we participants are responsible as well. We engaged it and allowed it to become our world.

We are without self control.

[talking2myselfagain]

I miss my girl. She knows she’s my girl. It’s the way that Our eyes hold each others gaze. And the way that I never want to let go Of her hand, Her heart, And she mine. I wanna be with her all the time But i won’t Bc we haven’t said these feelings But I’m stupid Deep down I know. She just has to love me too I can feel it In the way that she talk about how she feels with me How it’s foreign but she’s been looking for it, For me, for so long I’ve been looking for her too. But I knew it was her at first glance. The first word

[talking2myselfagain]

Trying to figure out if I’m doing it all wrong or all right and just in my own time

[talking2myselfagain]

“Turn on the light, see everything bright. Make yourself happy again, even in the night.”

—me

[talking2myselfagain]

my brother sent this to the family gc. def gonna watch this documentary tonight 

[talking2myselfagain]

I’m an hour and 30 minutes late to an orientation of a program that’s paying me 2000 bucks and that i need to fund my travels. Happy first day 😬

[talking2myselfagain]

.x4

i hate money. it is this horrible concept that if you don’t have the means or resources to take advantage of people and profit off of their turmoil then you cant have the things you need. im tired of living in such an evil world, where paper and made up values are motivators to hurt others. its so mundane and counter productive to what could actually be benefiting our existence.

 I think that aliens have already discovered our life form and planet. But they were smart and didn’t reveal themselves. they knew that we were idiotically violent. imposing pain on ourselves in the name of oppression, for the sake of personal gain.