tasmanianspirit

[tasmanianspirit]

Today

Today, I woke up anxious and afraid about what will come next.. But also excited to see what will come at this place of perfection. However...

My day was anything from perfect I as a believer in the arts of perfection. Have always felt perfection could be found in the mundane. but man.. the jitters. the money the buzz. The everything. Was like wow.

Walking in the heat \

"Baby, I need you" I cried out. I dont knoe you (yet) but I feel you. loving embrace, Sweet touch.. Longing is a sation that wont quit. I long to belong. I have to belong. The desire to be whole. Again to reclaim fragmented pieces of she. On thewue=-svp]bfskofsgo-]\\mǸ ˘¿¯

Im back.. I seen myself walking one day this week looked in the mirrors and said oh shit im scared. for the first time forreally. I am scared for me.

This was like a big shock wave to me.. Admittedly saying Im afraid.

Today was a day....

[tasmanianspirit]

I work hard, not to be the fool. The one left holding the strings. Not to mention you have all the strings in your hands decked out to my full house. Royal flush me please.. You know I had to tell 5 dif people about this today. & Now I'm telling you.. You helped me slay the dragon -- I sat bac -- I listened -- I laughed -- I allowed. The permisive -- slow crossing of boundaries. While I began to allow you in. Open up space in my heart. Hear your views. Praise you and lift you up when you wanted to be down. Listened.. OH MY GOD. i listened to ALL THE FREAKING yaping about sh** I could care less about..

All because I didnt want anymore drama in the place I lay.. The things you'll allow to avoid the other things. You hate.. The things I've allowed to be accepted.. To be valued. What about the things, people. places I rejected to value myself... Not much or many. Cos I'm so worried about being loved. By who? At what cost? Is it really love if it cost me my own self?

[tasmanianspirit]

Pain

Punishment is watching the world go by and everyone evovle and talk share their musings from it while you sit there on the sideline. Punishment is the jealousy or defeated tears you feel in your throat whenever you view someone else's profile. Pain is watching helplessly as life goes on without you...

But its also being faced with things you dont know how to handle.

[tasmanianspirit]

I've been living... They kicked me out the spot cause I brought the shadow out... I didnt like that but I understand hotel policy... I guess this rideshare stuff aint it no more? Maybe I Should go into massage therapy.. Teach yoga. Dance on day shift?

Shift my focus beam. Money is the motive Im tired of them ragging and bagging on me. Dont tread on me. Should be threaded into my existence. But I am living. Loving and powerful. Shift the focus.

[tasmanianspirit]

You know. When you stop and look around. Things arent so bad. Lately I have found that if I calm down and let go. It's peaceful. Dont be afraid of yourself -- re-read your sadness. I do fall short in the area of self review. Self Study - Im about a 6.5/10 -- when im not tryna hide from my very self. I also like my tarot cards because they're cute. Lemme Pull one..

The Fool. Golly, witty, full of life. Can easily miss the important details being to nice and rose colored eyes. Self Awareness 8/10 -- most subconscious behaviors get past me these days but barely . Those ones be the ones I feel helpless too, creates these feelings of helpless. Yeah. Everything’s alright....

[tasmanianspirit]

What is a love letter? What is love? In letter forms?

[tasmanianspirit]

Anxious

Anxious, as can be. Desperate to prove a point. That Im worthy to be me.

Anxious, as can be. Desperate to be seen. So I'l do the most on the scene. Anxious, as can be. This host that lives inside of me seeks to destroy, and hide me. Ahh I wish we could sever ties with our families. Anxious, as can be. I just wanna live and be free. These things got a hold on me, that only I can place I can exist is inside my haed. But these things they control the body. My body, I wish I could take back control.

[tasmanianspirit]

2 years

ive been $u!c!d!@lly depressed for the last 2 years, life has felt like a cruel passing joke. Like something Im not getting or receiving. It always leads me to a sea emotions that clouds the way. Like a fog of illusions of light.. Like I've been burried under it all for soooooo long IDK if I'll ever be able to come up or if I do will it be too late? I won the lottery after unk take his cute im out of here, moving to an island where they love & treat their people with kindness and respect. A place where I can contribute to the (is)land as a whole as me. A place to begin a new foundation in me and the world around me.

[tasmanianspirit]

Feel

Feel like my only option left is exploitation of my very human rights. I gave my whole life it feels like to being consumed in some way & whether I wanted to or not... Feeling like my only option is to get on the camera in a exploitative manner to receive more. To get the love I want or desire.. Feeling like I have to become better than them in order to receive recognition from them to be seen as human. Feel like these last 2.5 years swimming in a sea of proving performances, exhausting all masks and costumes until I was left with Thee one, the original one. The original being. WHo I was -- AM before all this.

[tasmanianspirit]

Noise

Everyone knows "The secret". Everyone has a club No one is doing it right. Everything you do will fail. Everyone teaches, coaches etc., Everyone, knows something, & they wanna help. They wanna teach you how to become a better person business owner friend lover etc. etc. etc.

Oh god. Just cut it out already..

[tasmanianspirit]

Come on now, dont leave me. Stay with me now. Mind is racing how is all of this gonna work? Play out? Go according to plan.

what even is the plan? Uh.

[tasmanianspirit]

But I guess the show goes o n, right? I can have an idea but it must go on. At this point. What else can it do? I had been feeling this was coming.. so i'll let it go and roll on... I didnt really like the job, i only enjoyed the connvience it offered of being at home... Otherwise.. Whatever I dont like customer care and im leaviing it for good. effictive immediately. I could care less.

Im more effective in other capactiites. I relase it,

[tasmanianspirit]

I was terminated today.

from a job i literally hate.

but hate that now i have to find some other way to backe the cake & puttin bacon on the table. For passive-aggression. towards someone. who mistakenly took my respnse as "passive aggression" when I was trying to help them. It irks me becuase I essentially lost my job over a loser. Whom I was legitematley trying to HELP! WTF

I promise, self I will never pput you in that position again where your worth & ability to provdie for yourself rests on the backs of teempered people who cant even self soothe their own wounds. Its not my responsibilty that you felt some tyoe of way behind the way I replied to your question. Yes I was annoyed, a bit per turd if you would. That this call was passed around without time even for me to defend or explain myself. I feel really annoyed, passively. You all held this conversations without me in the room to defend my position and somehow at the end of the day Im the one who gets left with the short end of the stick. Not fair.

And all of this for a job that pays WELLLLLL below my standards to even live and support myself FULLY! Are you fucking serious??? Bullox bullshit and bull spit if you ask me.

[tasmanianspirit]

Daily Life

Weaving pleasure into writing...

I see myself typing on my computer from the coffee shop making something beautiful on the computer screen.

then off to the beach but not without checking my email notifying me of a new 5k deposit. i let out a relaxed sigh, settled into my body..

Soaking up the suns sands on this beautiful land, bathing in its warm waters. my pretty bathing suit shiny waist adornments. Swimming. Creating cute website templates for artist and creatives to showcase their work with the world. Writing beautiful copy or managing profitable ads for dope creative eco business. & sellers of shiny objects. Wearing cute clothes in breathable fabrics... designs i created. talking to fairies. living with an connecting to my body daily.. thats a luxurious soft life.. having time to dance and create freely...bring me your ideas and lets bring them to life..

Also running, briskly walking up the music charts, claiming all their hearts. captive for my lovin... im realy a over giver. ima spoil the shit outta yall, just wait and see. All my children. All my loves. All my cousins.Yes and all the beautiful men ima feed and devour equally in my juicesss.

Blazing yall runways and leaving trials of joy and laughter behind me. big hearts, full bellies, erect bodies, and boundless souls... Living traveling doing me living

[tasmanianspirit]

“You cannot make someone understand a message they are not ready to receive.”

— Unknown

[tasmanianspirit]

EYE

It felt as if, The wind flew beneath her feet, up her dress & lifted her away in its swift embrace when he looked at her. Cold rushed over her body like ice on a summer day, a retreat from the heat bubbling up inside....

ahhhh.

A cool cucumber to bring me down.. tucked inside his pants no.. the real one, the green one, the healing one. The one that squirt in your mouth so unassumingly yet abundantly. Yessir.. That one cos that one gone get me right for this one. The sausage party he got happening for me down below...

ahhh....

I am living to 99, see this world at 2095....

I hope I die by the water let it carry my soul on to rest down its streams. With all my lived hopes and dreams. Hey i'll be 30 soon, its time to live and give the commas a break sis... Unneccesary use of commas..

Why you gotta prove you know how to use ELA? ESA? You worthy right where you are no filters. No posing... Just you..

Prompt:  Eye Contact: Write about two people seeing each other for the first time.

[tasmanianspirit]

These last two days, I've known what needs to be done but have been reluctant to take action. Using events in the last 48 as an excuse not to... Or welcomed distracted excuse..