tenkimp3

[tenkimp3]

this is sincerely the only corner of the internet where i think im safe enough to say that i’m ( unfortunately ) feeling a relapse coming on. i’ve been in recovery for 4 years now, and im really, really proud of myself for how far i’ve come.

but i can’t stop looking at old pictures. i can’t help but notice my sharper jawline, the more defined ridges of my body, my clear skin, the clothes i felt comfortable enough to wear on my smaller body. of course, 18 years old vs. 23 years old is a very big jump for the general way your body is supposed to look, but that doesn’t change the fact that it makes me feel so dysphoric ):

maybe it’s the sparkle i’m missing that was stolen in my past relationship. something is different and something is missing and something just feels so wrong. i don’t look like myself. i have trouble recognizing myself. this is a clusterfuck vent post so i hope anyone who reads this will take it with a grain of salt, i just miss feeling beautiful like *that*.

more than anything, i think i want a way to feel in control of my life again. Best case scenario is i don’t relapse, but if i do, i just hope ill be able to pull myself back out of it again.

[tenkimp3]

you’ll never be able to mourn me in a way that matters

[tenkimp3]

— natalie wee, never been kissed (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

[tenkimp3]

— natalie díaz, from “american arithmetic”, postcolonial love poem (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

[tenkimp3]

— jessica therese, from ‘a different kind of heartbreak’ (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

[tenkimp3]

Joy Sullivan, from “These Days People Are Really Selling Me On California”, Instructions for Traveling West

[tenkimp3]

Jenny Slate, Little Weirds

[tenkimp3]

i long for something that is safe and warm

[tenkimp3]

thinking about diomedes of argos

[tenkimp3]

the reason it’s so awesome when the bass at a concert replaces your pulse is that it’s the closest you can get to someone breaking open your ribs and squeezing your heart really hard in their fist

[tenkimp3]

As opposed to that quote about “the horrifying ordeal of being known,” do y’all ever feel so positively UNKNOWN and UNSEEN that it frightens you? Like there’s a self that you feel on the inside, and you believe to be “you,” but it seems like nobody else sees that version of you? And they’re interacting with someone that isn’t you but a projection of their experience of you? What’s more, perhaps nobody will ever know your true essence and you will die without ever being fully realized????? I’m only two beers in honestly

[tenkimp3]

I feel like having multiple mental illnesses since childhood and living with constant chaos in my brain for my entire youth actually broke my brain like I'm exhAUSted and need a life long rest. I have no clue how to pick my life up.

[tenkimp3]

pros and cons of your mental health relying 98% on Distractions™:

pros: when you’re distracted you’re practically nt

cons: when you’re not distracted the fucking black hole that you’ve been suppressing eats you alive

[tenkimp3]

life sure is fun when youre embarrassed by everything you do :))))

[tenkimp3]

[tenkimp3]

text from @especialty

[tenkimp3]

tryhard