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me when I finally choose a fig from the tree only to find I have no teeth left to eat it with

"'I have led a toothless life,' he thought. 'A toothless life. I have never bitten into anything. I was waiting. I was reserving myself for later on--and I have just noticed that my teeth have gone. What's to be done?'"

-Jean-Paul Sartre, The Age of Reason (1945)

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fuck you *slowly adds cornstarch to your boyfriend while stirring*

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ma’am your book is a sterilized, plastic-wrapped Canva edit with traced over graphics and an ad printed on the front

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Marius Pontmercy arriving to his first Amis club meeting after seeing the hastily photoshopped flyer stuck to the inside of a bathroom stall (he was eating lunch in there) and the first thing Bahorel, Joly, and Bossuet do is start introducing themselves as Jean just to fuck with him and he gets nervous and calls Roommate Courfeyrac to come get him and the phone rings from ACROSS THE ROOM…..he’s peer pressured into staying. Meanwhile Combeferre decides to “test his character” by waging psychological warfare on him throughout the meeting, Enjolras is highly skeptical when he says he has to leave early “to see his girlfriend” and cannot fathom why anyone would do that, Cosette picks him up with his baggie of Emergency Benedryl and he dry heaves like a cat on the way home.

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(in denial of canon) he would not say that

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oh my god do you guys think enjolras has pollen allergies

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hear me out. e/R night at the museum au

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okay ive started investign in stocks now what do i do with all the soup

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Since Pilf mentioned the meme and it was already halfway done in my files

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Cosette perception of the average physical capabilities of men is ridiculously skewed due her Dad being Frances Buffest Man and it doesn’t come up for ages but one day one of their children gets stuck on the roof or something and Cosette is deeply sceptical of Marius claiming that he can’t scale the outside of the house to fetch them.

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a loving relationship between a guy who says “wowza!” and a guy who says “hm. intriguing.”

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so devastating that my writing peaked in ninth grade and that my sole inspiration came from English class required readings. why is my magnum opus a romeo and juliet fanfiction

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characters who i think wouldve fucked it up at the club:

courfeyrac: goes without saying, he gets all the bitches. but not in like a sex way more of like a makes-out-with-everyone-because-he-can kinda way. can handle alcohol like a champ and is unfazed the next day.

grantaire: he’s so chill, he just hangs out on the couch doped up on some insane weed strain from the local weed connoisseur.

jehan: said local weed connoisseur, also owns a bedazzled vape pen. he does shitty palm readings in the corner for five bucks and wears self-embroidered skinny jeans. sits on every surface.

feuilly: just disappears. no one knows where he goes but he posts the most insane private stories and shows up to work like nothing happened.

thenardier: 30% of people at the club leave with something missing and he’s the reason why. on the watch list but somehow always makes it inside.

valjean: local dilf celebrity, beloved by all. if he drinks enough he starts lifting various heavy objects and everyone cheers him on.

characters who would not have fucked it up at the club:

enjolras: gets pickpocketed 20 minutes in (thenadier) and made fun of for saying “likewise” (grantaire). calls an uber at 6:30 and goes home to rant to himself on a google doc in silence.

combeferre: never went to the club, stayed home on chess dot com.

marius: perpetual victim of “go white boy go” jokes. has to limit his caffeine intake due to a personally diagnosed history of heart palpitations.

javert: once attempted an undercover drug bust and failed miserably, now can’t go within a block of the club without being heckled. does not know what “daddy chill” means.

thinking about how old valjean was when he stole that bread. he should have been at the club etc etc

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grantaire is like oh please enjolras please i would get on my knees and polish your boots if you would only ask me to. and enjolras is like ok fine here is one very simple task for you. and grantaire’s like oui cher anything pour toi 😘 and proceeds not to do it

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hand flapping is for normies I stim by punching people and sensing the general horrors of the world