the-earnest-becker

[the-earnest-becker]

Thank you

I feel like it's over now, sort of... We knew each other intensely a few years ago, I thought, and still really think you're an angel. Beautiful, happy, charming, loving and just really kind. Now to know you're seeing someone, and that no less you wanted to catch up with me sometime earlier in our lives! Painful shit!!

Weirdly this doesn't hurt like the other ones. I miss you more than all of them combined, I still love you in a way, I want the best for you and I truly, want you to be happy. But it still hurts knowing that I just waited too long. I fucked about when we first knew eachother. And then I waited, and waited, and waited some more. Until now, but that was too late.

It does hurt but I am genuinely glad to have met you, I don't think my life could have been what it was without your influence.

I'm still not right, I'm not a good person. Deep down I want to wait for this guy to mistreat you, like we all have, and then find you again. I want to know you. I want to wait and I would but fuck me I've waited all my life for someone and it isn't working. So much disappointment in my life has been cause I just wait about. I don't live and I'm suffering this odd, mellow pain now. I can't stop waiting about I need to leave more and more intensely and beautifully and feel love in every fucking breath I take from now on, I owe it to you. I wouldn't mind if this letter found you some day, but again I can't wait.

If by dumb, god given luck you stumble into my life again, that will be great. And if you most likely don't, I am one of the few lucky people that have been able to meet and understand you and take some of you with me, so I won't wait.

This will hurt for a while, I don't know for how long, but I need to feel it. Use this love as fuel for my life and live.

Thank you for everything boo

[the-earnest-becker]

For you

I feel like I need to talk about you now, and what the last couple of months have been like. I need to unpack and take care of myself and deal with this in the right way.

You came about a couple of months ago, coming back into my life in the first time for years, after you broke up with me. That was weird but I welcomed you back. I, no we have changed a lot in the last 4 years, I'm a new person, I've started to grow up. I'm not so innocent, my hair is longer, I would like to think a more mature person, in some ways.

We started seeing each other a lot and you told me you weren't ready for anything. I think I heard you but I didn't understand you. but we kept going, we're attracted to each other and it showed quickly, soon after we couldn't really keep our hands off each other, I started to fall for you again, care for you.

My intention was always to wait. Wait for you to be ready for something serious, something committed, cause I knew it was worth it. I told you I could wait, it'd be ok and I had no expectations. I did, even if I didn't know it though.

Now we're at the stage where you told me we needed to calm down. That you didn't want me to wait about, you didn't want any expectations and that we needed to be friends. I think I was mad, but I understand now you're right, you saw a therapist and fuck you're doing this the right way. Thank you.

At first it was hard, and it still is. I know we work together, so, fucking well. If you saw yourself through my eyes maybe you'd understand, maybe you already do already? I just don't want to miss out on a chance for us to work, I want you all to myself, I want to spend time with you and grow with you and at least give it a fucking go, I feel like it's wasted potential and I don't know where you're at right now.

Times gone on and I think I'm learning now. If it's meant to be, it'll be. It really hurt to hear that but it's true. It made me think if I loved you, or loved the idea of being loved, by you. I don't think it invalidates my feelings but it's something I need to confront. If I love you, annoyingly, I have to care for you in the truest way possible, and that doesn't mean having you all to myself. It means giving you space, helping you heal, having the very best intentions in mind. That hurts.

It's going to be uncertain for the next few months and I'm still not set on how to feel. The best course is, to just grow, be the very best me I can, and then any outcome of this will be good for me. But I still don't know how to feel. I'm going to be jealous any time you mention another man, I shouldn't be. I'm going to worry when I think you don't care 'enough' about me, that's selfish. I was so focused on being loved, I never thought on how I should be loving you, that might mean letting you go, letting you fucking live.

Then I have to fill that hole you leave, and I need to do that myself. Love myself and take care of myself just as I would do to you. It feels like all the romance, dating and life advice is being flipped on it's head and it's scary. I don't know where my life's going to go now, it's uncharted territory.

I still don't know how to grapple with the overthinking and the weird mood swings, but I'll get there, I have the means to this time around. I need to love her more, more truly, and love myself. That's the mission.

[the-earnest-becker]

Day one, one day

First one. This blog is for me but I wouldn't mind if people saw it. Especially if it helped someone. I'm not 100 percent sure on why I'm starting this, I guess I just need another outlet for myself at the moment. I journal but I want something more, storied? More conversational, a bit more substantial, maybe not as personal. Something to fill my time and stop me overthinking, I think it'll help.

I wanna cover lots. My life at the moment, thoughts on my life, on ideas, concepts, just explore. Where I am, where I've been, it's all been a LOT lately. Life has been happening a lot recently I don't know how to put it without being blunt.

I like the ideas of video essays and such but I don't want to speak into a camera yet, I seriously feel like I'm not qualified. But I still want to create, to share how I'm living, even if it's with no one. Maybe I'll speak to some people, help some people, be helped, be critiqued, I'd like that.

This coming year, although I hate setting 'new year new me' kind of goals, has to be different. I've had this feeling more times than I can count in my life. 'I have to get better!!' or some huge amount of determination that comes from a bit of pain. And shit I always tell myself, every time, it's going to stick this time, it's different. Well it's never stuck before, why is it going to now?

I think I've lived enough now to be able to grow in a significant way, a scary direction. I think I have just enough courage and self-love now to make it this time. I know it's not a destination but more a journey, but I always fall tremendously short and I can't even keep going.

I want to actually live a life. I want to stop putting things on hold, meet people, find out about myself and the world, start taking risks, be happier. I think the time is now and I'm using this blog thing as another way to unpack my thoughts, do something new. It's gonna be sporadic and unstructured and messy and gross at first but I'll see how it goes.