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[the-grumpy-panda]

That's Not A Snack Box...

THIS is a snack box! Oof. An extremely outdated and severely tired Crocodile Dundee joke? I'm sorry. So very sorry. But it's time for another snack box adventure. This time from Australia! Land of Brody Dalle! Land of Isla Fisher! Land of the Irukandji jellyfish! All beautiful and deadly in their own unique way. Thanks, Australia. This sugary, salty and unhealthy excursion is courtesy of Snack Crate. A bit pricier (although I did opt for the 'premium' box) than other boxes I've tried, but this box is quite hefty and fully loaded with a wide assortment, and for a few bucks more, they also offer a drink option, which I of course threw in as well. I want the whole experience. So as a (possibly) one time splurge, I feel alright with the price. For anyone not wanting to splurge big, there are a total of three box sizes to choose from. Of course, the lower the price, the less goodies you'll receive. Two day shipping is also already included in the price. Express shipping is also available if you simply can't wait two days. But I'll tell ya, I ordered my trial box on a Friday evening, and the very following Monday afternoon I had it in my hands. That's a hell of a fast turnaround, and I praise Snack Crate for that. The insides were wrapped in a pleasant and fun themed paper, also included was a sleeve of Australian based stickers (Fun! I'm not going to secretly decorate the desk of the girl I secretly like as if I were a ten year old...) and the always appreciated sturdy booklet with some fun Australia facts, information and a run down of all the treats included in the box. All it truly lacked was a hand written welcome and a picture from Rose Byrne to class it up a bit. Come on Australia, she just looks like a princess, put her to use! For ease and comfort, I'm just going to run down the treats in the order they appear in the booklet. So, put on some Colin Hay (an Australian transplant, but I'll allow it) music and settle in, we're off to a land of snacks atop the counter! -Violet Crumble! A crunchy honeycomb toffee center coated in milk chocolate. I was not expecting this to be as crunchy as it is. It bites as if it were frozen. Even with the density of the center, it melts nicely in your mouth. It's a very airy sort of nougat. For being as hard as it is, the airiness is still a perplexing note. This is a candy bar to study! It's also fortunately very tasty. A very smooth honey infused toffee flavor that is delicious and makes me wish more treats used this formula. A great way to start this box!

-Milo Snack! Crunchy cereal pieces mixed with chocolate powder and dipped in milk. Hmm. Cereal pieces is a vague description. Dipping in milk seems odd to me for some reason in a pre-packaged item. Can't specifically explain why. Let's open this oddity and see what we see. Upon opening I discover it looks like one of those ready to go milk and cereal bars available nowadays. This looks like Cocoa Krispies smooshed up and then yes, a layer on the bottom of whatever milk substance companies use to make sure milk congeals and sticks to the bottom of things. Unfortunately, this bar smells exactly like dried dog food, so my first, and very tiny, bite is taken with trepidation. Not a winner here. It tastes merely of very old and very stale Cocoa Puffs. -French Fries Original! Australia's original potato straw snack! Just a simple and classic salty potato chip flavor, but in straw form. These do have a pleasant crunch, though. -Tim Tam Original! Two chocolate cookie biscuits filled with chocolate cream and covered in chocolate. For all the chocoholics! The name Tim Tam seems familiar. Either I've had them before somewhere along the way, or they are so popular in Australia, knowledge of their existence has permeated out. Like Natalie Imbruglia. You know the name, but you can't remember when last you saw her and if you liked her music or not. Time to try it again. Ha. These deliver exactly what they promise. Chocolate on chocolate covered in chocolate. A nice cookie crunch that's not too hard, the middle is tasty and the covering chocolate is smooth, creamy and adds to the whole flavor. A good treat, but one that could also get old quickly. Eat in small doses. -Fantales! Smooth and velvety caramels, coated with milk chocolate. Quite dense. Be prepared to be gnawing on this little sucker for a couple of minutes. It's not great, but it's certainly not awful. Comparable to a Milk Dud I suppose, but with a higher chocolate component and better made. I'd eat one if offered, but not a caramel treat I'd actively seek out for myself. -Arnott's Shapes Pizza! Pizza flavored biscuits. Um, what exactly do pizzas in Australia look like? These crackers resemble coffins to me. Which is fine, I'm into it, but is this a general Australian pizza shape or am I just a rambling moron inadvertently insulting an entire country? I'm not really getting a "pizza" taste here. It's more like an oregano infused cracker. Not bad for what it is, but it's lacking something and doesn't deliver the promised flavor. Or maybe it does. Someone send over Karen Martini to make me an Australian pizza, please. Thanks. -Twisties Cheese! Apparently Australia's most popular snack. Corn and rice snack with cheese flavoring! Let's crack a bag! They look like Chee-Tos, but the taste is definitely different. This cheese coating seems a bit creamier or milkier and they're not as salty as Chee-Tos, which is a big bonus. All said and done, though, I like these but I don't love them.

-All the snacking has made me thirsty. Luckily I opted for the drink! Here comes Solo Original Lemon! A refreshing drink made with 5% crushed lemons! The can says so! And it absolutely shows in the flavor. This is not just another "lemon-lime" sugared up soda. Oh, no. This is like a very genuine and nicely home made lemonade with some carbonation thrown in. I dig it. It is refreshing and tasty. Back to the foods! -Chomp Caramel! A crispy wafer layered with caramel then coated with chocolate. I have nothing else to compare this to other than a Charleston Chew, but it is most assuredly not a Charleston Chew. It bears the same shape, the consistency is close, but the flavor of the Chomp is far superior and the addition of a thin wafer layer gives the Chomp bar a very nice and welcome crunch and added fun element. The caramel here is very smooth, and it eats easily, as opposed to a Charleston Chew trying to yank your fillings out. A solid winner, here.

-Allen's Pineapples! Pineapple shaped gummy candy! A bit more solid than gummy candies I'm used to, and the pineapple flavor is very subtle. Another not great but not bad candy. Pairs well with the Solo Lemon drink, though, for a weird sort of tropical taste trip. -Wagon Wheels! Marshmallow filling between two soft biscuits and dipped in chocolate. Sounds like a Moon Pie to me! Let's see if we'll notice any differences. It's certainly a lot thinner than a Moon Pie. The cookie, while soft, still has a bit of a welcome crunch to it, the chocolate is very chocolatey and what I didn't know at first was this Wagon Wheel also has a thin layer of jam within. It doesn't say what kind of jam, so it could be Vegemite jam. But since my American taste buds aren't heaving, it's safe to assume it's some sort of fruit jam. I like this a lot, and far better than the Moon Pies I'm used to, which admittedly I haven't eaten one in probably twenty years. Just not a fan. The Wagon Wheel also gets to be too much of a good thing. A mini Wagon Wheel would be a perfect serving size. -Milky Way! Yep, a Milky Way! But the Australian version is only filled with a light and sweet nougat. Which means it's a 3 Musketeers bar. Nice try Australia! I'm on to your ruse. You owe me one Abbie Cornish. -Iced Vovo! A biscuit topped with pink fondant, a strip of raspberry filling and sprinkled with coconut. These are a beautiful cookie. Ready made for presentations and for putting on airs. If you were fifteen and had no idea how to impress anyone, that is. And that's not a slam against the cookie... but it is still just a cookie. Taste wise, they are sadly just okay. I like the cookie part, I like the raspberry stripe, but the fondant and the coconut just don't work and those two items should never be paired together to begin with. But I'm going to place the majority of the blame on the fondant. A raspberry coconut cookie could have been lovely. Fondant is... it's just somehow not right. Ever. I know you know what I mean. How cake makers get away with using it so much is a mystery to me. -Chokito! A Milk chocolate bar filled with caramel and crispy rice. Or as the packaging proclaims... "Chewy Caramel Fudge! Crunchy Balls! & Loads Of Chocolate!" This doesn't quite work. It tastes like all the ingredients are quite cheap, and seems like a drunk babysitter just dumped leftover pieces from other treats into bowl and gave it to you to shut you up for a minute. This candy bar made me sad. -Cherry Ripe! A mix of cherry, coconut and dark chocolate! Australia's oldest candy bar! I would have been much better served by this were it bite size pieces instead of a whole bar. It's good, I enjoy it, but it has far too much coconut. The cherry notes are wonderful when they finally fight their way through the coconut. -Peppermint Crisp. Milk chocolate bar filled with thin cylinders of peppermint flavored toffee pieces. Those who know know I'm no fan or friend of mint, but I'll try this bar all the same. Nope. Nope Nope. Nope. It's like a candy cane covered in chocolate and the inside color is that of mouth wash. Nope Nope Nope. Don't want. -Caramello Koala! A chocolate bar filled with caramel. Pretty direct. And exactly what you'd expect. It's made by Cadbury, so it's safe to assume most of us have had a chocolate and caramel product by Cadbury at some point, or at least something strikingly similar. No muss or fuss here, it is what it claims to be and serves its purpose.

-Cheezels! Corn and rice rings with a zesty cheddar cheese sauce! Very similar in taste to Chee-Tos Paws but a bit crunchier. Not bad. Slightly too salty for me, all the same, though. -Cadbury Picnic! Crispy wafer with caramel, peanuts and raisins covered in chocolate. A very hard candy bar. Watch your teeth with these. Taste a lot like a frozen Baby Ruth bar somehow. It's alright, but it's hardness level wouldn't make me a repeat buyer.

-Golden Vines Anzac Biscuits! Just a big ol' honking cookie. Apparently these were sent to Australian soldiers in WW1 as a reminder of home. This might be one leftover from then. It's hard, it's dry, and it's only remotely sweet. Tastes like an oatmeal cookie that only used honey for sweetening. All that being said, I can honestly see the appeal to this cookie. Once I swallowed my initial bite and set it aside, the flavors really took hold and I want another bite. It's very large, though, so I imagine this one cookie will last a few days, if not a week. Which makes their part of soldier history make a lot more sense, as well. This seemingly bland and innocuous little cookie is the surprising little cookie that could. Thumbs up. -Wizz Fizz Sherbet! A sweet powder that fizzes in your mouth! Thanks Wizz Fizz. I am now coated in your powdery wares because opening this little pack was like opening a gag gift. Despite my efforts to prevent such a thing, the moment the package got the tiniest tear, its contents flew everywhere. So now I must appear to be a messy baker covered in powdered sugar, or some sort of coke fiend who knocked over his mirror. Including a tiny spoon in your packaging just the right size for a "sniff" isn't helping. Are you trying to be the "cool" "street cred" candy maker? Plus, your product doesn't fizz whatsoever in my mouth. It sat there, lumping up like a gob of remorse. This product sucks. I hate everything about it. -Last in line for this sojourn is Allen's Chico's! Cocoa flavored gummy candies! Gelatin and cocoa just do not mix. It's like uncooked brownie batter left atop your fridge for two weeks. Dang. Ended on a sad note. Just the way things go sometimes. Might be a good time to revisit the 1996 Australian bio-pic "Shine." Or perhaps 1978's "Patrick." Thanks again, Australia. Until next time, I am momentarily The Grumpy Koala. Koala's sleep up to twenty hours a day! Waking to eat, and "socialize." Now that's a life. Cheers, mates!

[the-grumpy-panda]

Seasonal Smelling Salts!

Oh, boy. It happened again. Someone needs to remind me daily to stay out of stores' seasonal sections (alliteration is fun!) from August to April. It's an onslaught of seasonal candy and foods, and I am putty in the hands of such commerce and decorations. I know better. I'm on the ruse that the whole Halloween food section is set up just for suckers like me. I know I don't need them. Heck, I don't even celebrate any of the holidays. I'm a damn fool!   I'll do better next year, I swear! Oh, look! An end cap display with a cartoon bat! Gimme the stuff! So what edible fare did I get lulled into throwing into my basket this time? Lots of things. Too many things. Most of these things were found at Target, a couple from my local grocer. Let's take a taste. -Cookie Butter Oreo! Truth be told, I had never heard of cookie butter before this Oreo was announced. Am I shunned now? Apparently it's a big to do. After eating this cookie, I can't say I get the fuss. Granted, an Oreo cookie version is a slight bastardization of whatever the "cool" and "original" brand/version is, but still. This merely tasted of a graham cracker with a graham cracker cream (and a grainy cream at that) to me. Is that what cookie butter is? It was an alright cookie if you like graham crackers, but it left me altogether unimpressed as a whole. -Werther's Pumpkin Spice Soft Caramels! Delicious. For a moment I had forgotten these were anything besides regular caramels. I was so in the mood for a Werther's caramel I popped one in and reveled in the familiar deliciousness of a Werther's. Then a hint of something caught me at the back end, and I almost let out a whispered "Oh, yeah..." It's a good compliment of flavors here. The spice is second fiddle to the caramel, as it should be, it's not overdone, and it's a very good balance of new and familiar. Thumbs up for these. I could see these becoming a yearly treat, kept on hand for very cold days to enjoy with some hot tea. I think a citrus tea. I don't know why. I probably heard that Alicia Vikander likes citrus tea. So it's on hand. Just saying... Unless she hates citrus tea. Then I have whatever it is she does enjoy. Or will have. Once she calls me... -Tastykake Pumpkin Pie! To its credit, this is a solid little pie and is loaded with filling. Unfortunately, that's where the good credits ends. The crust is just a little too bland to add anything and the filling is a bit too runny, almost like pie filling before it's baked. The filling flavor kind of reminds me of a frozen pumpkin pie one might get for Thanksgiving, but nowhere near as good.  My immediate thought when the filling hit my taste buds was "Ew, it tastes like baby food." even though I have no idea what baby food tastes like. There is a different "glazed pumpkin pie" version as well, but I didn't find that one to try. -Nestle Toll House Pumpkin Cobbler cookies! These are the packaged, break and bake variety. Described as 'cookie dough with pumpkin, oats, spices and a pumpkin pie filling.' Opening the package, the first thing I noticed was the dark amber color of the dough. Then upon placing them on the baking sheet, I took note of the gooey filling. Looked and moved like a soft caramel. I must tell you, they smell AMAZING while baking. I want this smell embedded in my skin. I want a blanket made of this smell.  I've never known a pre-packaged consumable to smell so... authentic? Classic? Like real life? I don't know how to put it, but I love it. Could the taste even come close to matching the smell? I am pleased to say YES. This is like the best oatmeal cookie a house full of adoring grandmas came up with. Even if you don't like oatmeal cookies (or pumpkin) give this one a try. Or don't. Taste is subjective. But for me, it's soft, and delicious, and comforting. The filling adds a smooth sweetness, it's not in your face pumpkin flavoring or a weird fake pumpkin taste and the spice aspect is right on point. It's not 'spicy' but someone took great care to make sure the balance of components was right. I am proclaiming this the hands down winner of the season and I hope it makes a yearly return. -Candyville Harvest S'mores Marshmallow! After nearly stabbing through my lip trying to get this thing open (don't ask about the how or why, please...I mean, it's wrapped with all the security of a Dum Dum lollipop for flippin' sake...) I was ready to throw it away. But I soldiered on. Basically a giant marshmallow coating in a thin layer of white chocolate, and then the top half gets a thin layer of milk chocolate on top of that and a dusting of graham pieces tops that. I can't say this is awful, but it's not exactly pleasant. It's fine, but it does seem old or stale, and clearly everything about it was made on the cheap using cheap ingredients. Kids probably would get a kick out of it, though. I find myself enjoying the novelty aspect of it for some reason. -Archer Farms Apple Cinnamon Pretzels! These smell remarkably like a packet of instant cider mix. They also taste like a congealed version of that, with a high portion of fake apple/acidity/tartness. This flavor isn't working for me at all. None of the components (pretzel, flavoring, white fudge coating) blend well and that tartness really hits you at the end, making it near Sour Patch Kid-like. -Hammond's Chocolatey Sea Salt Caramel Marshmallow! A marshmallow with an edging of caramel. And that's exactly what it tastes like. It's a dense marshmallow, too. Almost like a nougat. I sort of get a hint of salt, but I sense no chocolatey aspects whatsoever. Not sure how that got thrown in on the label. This is alright, but not something I'd have a second helping of. I guess your enjoyment will depend on how much you like marshmallow and caramel. -Archer Farms Pumpkin Spice Caramel Corn! With pumpkin seed kernels! Hmm. Smells of old nutmeg you found in the back of the pantry in the apartment you just moved into. Hmm. Tastes like caramel popcorn dusted with old nutmeg you found in the back of the pantry in the apartment you just moved into with the added fun of having pieces of pumpkin seed kernels stuck in your teeth all night. -Project 7 Sour Caramel Apple Gummy Bears! Well, whatever sour caramel apple gummies are supposed to smell like, these nail it. Taste wise, all I got was a green apple flavor. Not for me, but if a green apple gummy is your thing, have the rest of mine. -Land O Lakes Pumpkin Pie Spice Butter Spread! Exactly what you'd imagine. Butter with what the label simply calls "spices" but my taste buds say are a little but of nutmeg and a lot of cinnamon. Looks like a cheap pumpkin pie filling. tastes like a cheap pumpkin pie filling until the final notes reminds you it is in fact some sort of butter, and you realize the two tastes are probably best left apart. Putting it in a freshly toasted plain bagel and letting it melt (what, you don't try a small scoop of weird butter directly out of the tub first?) did help the taste some, though. It also really brought the abundance of cinnamon to the front. Alright. Time to quickly wrap this up. -Archer Farms Pumpkin Spice Biscotti! Tastes like a stale ginger bread man where they forgot the molasses and flavoring. Nothing pumpkin about this. -Archer Farms Caramel Apple Biscotti! Smells of burnt caramel and tastes of absolute nothingness. Is this a hospital meal? And with that, I retire. For the night? For the season? For all time? Until my next trip into a grocer? Who knows! 'Til then, you be you, I'll be me, and that hobo who once kissed me on the neck for giving him a dollar (true story) is probably still being him. Cheers!

[the-grumpy-panda]

Definitely Tricked!

Let's keep the mini train a rolling. Here's some more unnecessary crud stumbled upon in a local grocer. Mostly seasonal based, but with a wild card thrown in! That's all the lead in I'm in the mood for today. Bleh! -Stauffer's Pumpkin Spice Snaps! Like a ginger snap, but with pumpkin spice. Or was that blatantly obvious? I honestly can't recall the last time I've had a ginger snap. They're an okay thing, but I've never in my life had a craving for or built an appreciation for them. In a blind taste test, though, I can't imagine anyone saying these were anything but a ginger snap. Maybe a ginger snap connoisseur could spot some ingredient difference, but to laypeople, there's nothing of excitement here. They're a fine cookie, don't get me wrong, and I know I'll finish the bag, but whatever it is we've been duped into believing "pumpkin spice" actually is, it isn't here. Or is it? Could the spicier elements found in ginger snaps since time immemorial have secretly been the precursor to this whole shebang? Did someone simply take ginger snaps ingredients and re-brand them? Did I just realize I have now mindlessly eaten half this bags contents and become a ginger snap fan? Probably no on that last one. Methinks the empty belly was just happy to have something funneling down. But I call conspiracy on the other fronts! You read it here first! Yes, YOU! The one person reading this! Alert the authorities! Call in Mary Berry! There's a cookie caper! A spice scandal! -Pumpkin Pasta Sauce! I don't see a company or brand name on this jar, so I can only surmise it was made for the store I bought it at. I imagine there are similar products out there, however. Looking at the ingredients for this particular version, simply because the bottle was turned that way as I set it down, it looks semi "healthy" as well. Aside from heavy cream and some honey, there's no added sugars or fatty things, and all the other ingredients on the short ingredient list are recognizable and pronounceable. No weird chemicals, additives or preservatives! I simply heated up the sauce and poured it over some ziti rigate pasta. No muss, no fuss. And the results are... eh. It takes a minute to adjust, as obviously most of us will be used to a tomato based sauce for our pasta.   It definitely has a real pumpkin flavor. It's smooth and creamy. Smelling it piping hot on the stove top, it smelled vaguely of pumpkin pie. It's just bland tasting. It definitely needs something added in to help the whole thing get a flavor boost. Maybe more creative folks will figure out how to better incorporate pumpkin pasta sauce. I could definitely see this as a base for something, (not necessarily pasta!) but as a thing on its own, the sauce just doesn't cut it.   -Nature Valley Pumpkin Spice Crunchy Granola Bars! Side by side, I don't think anyone could really assuage any difference between these and the regular Cinnamon granola bars. Because I'm staring at the Pumpkin Spice box and the ingredients list 'pumpkin flakes' as an ingredient, I do think my mind is forcing me to pick up subtle differences. These are still good, and if you like Nature Valley products there's no reason not to get these. But if you're in it only for the pumpkin quotient, you really won't be missing out on anything if you can't find them. I suggest taking a NV cinnamon bar, taking a maple and brown sugar NV bar, mix 'em together... and you'd have the pumpkin spice bar. I cracked the code! -Entenmann's Apple Cider doughnuts! These have been rolling out seasonally for a few years now. I don't think I came upon them last year, but I recall liking them when I did have them (I guess...) the year before. It was a nice surprise, as apple is just not a flavor I really enjoy in things that aren't a regular apple. Let's see if time has been kind to this product. Is my memory false? Is it just my taste buds are off or is there really some trickery afoot? Did they change the ingredients? These merely taste like a cinnamon cake doughnut. It doesn't get close to even resembling an apple fritter, which I think is what I was expecting these to taste like. It's a good doughnut, Entenmann's make a tasty and moist product, but I just can't discern any difference or anything apple cider like within this. -Entenmann's Pumpkin Doughnuts! These are orange inside! Even though the box assures me these are made with real pumpkin, I'd still wager some sort of false coloring. These aren't bad. They again nail the sweet and moist aspects, and while I think I can taste some pumpkin, it's not a prevalent flavor. These would probably go real well with a cup of coffee on a cold day, however. I will freeze what's left and save them for just such a day. -Apple Cider Flavored Seltzer Water! Also a brand free concoction, with a similar looking label as the pasta sauce, so definitely done by the same people for the same store. Smells of a piece of whatever apple flavored candy you may be familiar with. Hardly any flavor to it though, oddly enough. Only after smacking your lips half a dozen times after a big gulp does any taste besides fizzy water come in, but it leaves quickly. I think this could have been good had it actually had any flavor. -Snyder's Brick Oven Style Pizza Flavored Pretzel Sandwiches! Oh... no. These are just awful. Imagine the worst, and I mean the WORST, pizza you've ever had. Now imagine there's a box of leftover crust pieces from that pizza left in the corner for a few days in a house with no air conditioning in the summer. Now imagine for some reason you wanted to eat the crusts, but to help tone down the staleness, you decided to dip them in spaghetti sauce that was also the worst possible form of spaghetti sauce that could be, and that you got this sauce from a hand dug cellar and it came from a rusty tin can with no label. I can't paint a clearer picture of how these things taste. Just... putrid. What a sad way to end the fun. C'est la vie.

[the-grumpy-panda]

Little Tiny Feast!

A quick mini review! As mini as Noomi Rapace, but nowhere near as attractive and sexy! I tried, though. Unless you think an unshaven dude in a MST3K shirt worn exclusively on days where going outside of the house is wholly off the table (I need to get paid to advertise!) eating unhealthy snacks is sexier than Noomi Rapace. Then here's a wink (*wink*) just for you. What we have here are three kooky Cheez-It flavors. Supposedly one of those "limited time, you tell us which flavor will stay" promotions. But what's the deal, Cheez-It? Why are you releasing these so close to the Halloween junk food season? I'll let it slide this one time, but would it have hurt you to affix a bat or something on the box at least? Most people will tell you, in this day and age, Halloween begins around the second to last week of August and doesn't end until the day before Thanksgiving. And that's just the "normal" celebration. A missed opportunity! But I suppose junk food eaters will gobble these up all the same, and I further suppose that maybe Cheez-It was angling for the whatever sports thing is in season crowd. I thirdly suppose those weirdos need snacks, too. I ate these in the order of what I thought would be worst to best, so we'll see how my predictions fare. I also believe there is a fourth new flavor, some kind of buffalo wing thing, but I didn't see those. Be on the look out, though, if that's a flavor you crave. Let's begin. -Cheddar Nachos! These smell vaguely "cheap Mexican food-ish." I don't know what I expected them to smell like, but it wasn't that. I wouldn't say these taste like nachos. They taste like a regular Cheez-It dusted with a packet of dry taco seasoning. At face value, that doesn't sound explicitly heinous, but it sort of doesn't work. You're hit with an abundance of salt right up front, and then a tiny slap of the seasoning at the end, which isn't appealing because it's the only flavor profile that sticks by that point. So it's like wetting your finger, dipping it into taco seasoning, and then licking it. That said, I'll probably keep these around to munch on as a last resort. -Cheese Burger! Look like a regular Cheez-It. Smell very faintly of old, dried ketchup. At the very beginning, and at the very end, there is a tiny taste of smoky ketchup, but the middle chewing is essentially no different than a regular Cheez-It. However, if you throw in a whole hand full at once and mash it all together, there is a taste of greasy ketchup somehow. I wouldn't say "burger" though. It seems to me that when companies produce these burger flavors, they really should just say ketchup flavor. I like these a little less than the nacho one. No one eats these things one at a time, and that greasy flavor (how do they get that???) when chomping on a handful is a little unappealing. -Cheese Pizza! I don't really smell anything different in these, but the taste reminds me very much of very cheap roller skate rink pizza, albeit in a crunchy cracker thing form. The kind that you know, even the company producing it knows, is totally skanky pizza, but it's the only option pizza so you'll shut up and eat it anyway. And that's exactly how I feel about these Cheez-Its. I know they suck, but I know I'll mindlessly eat them all. Are roller skate rinks even a thing anymore? Was there ever a roller skate rink that wasn't immediately grungy and sketchy, even if its grand opening was five minutes before you walked in? Hmm. I like the name Noomi. Thus concludes a mini review. That's it. Go away now. Shoo. GO I said.

[the-grumpy-panda]

Wake Up Maggie!

It's September! Barely into it, yet even more Fall/Halloween stuff has crept onto shelves. I would wager there is more than this, but this is just what I immediately found whilst in my local Target. My local grocer also had the Little Debbie Pumpkin Delights and Little Debbie Pumpkin Spice rolls on hand, but those have already been discussed. So let's chalk up that cue and take a quick gander at what there is so far. *Side note. Accompanying background music supplied by King Diamond. Perfect!* -Cookies & SCREEEM M&M's! A mix of dark and white chocolate with a speckled black shell. I like the shell. It looks neat and Halloween enough, and I really like that they went for it with the name for these. I was worried these would be white chocolate heavy, but luckily they veer more in favor of the dark chocolate. The white chocolate didn't really make it's taste known to me, it was just enough to cut the dark chocolate to make it seem a bit more "creamy." I liked these, but they are pretty close to the regular dark chocolate M&M's readily available. -Triple Chocolate Kit-Kats! Chocolate wafers! Chocolate cream! Covered in milk chocolate! I have no idea if these are a regular flavor readily available, but this is the first I have ever seen them. They were also in with the Halloween candy displays, and they have that awesome cat mascot on the bag they use for Halloween Kit-Kat decorating, here in wizard garb with a magic wand. To me it's a new Halloween flavor. The cat alone would have gotten me to buy these. I do wonder now why they didn't use this triple chocolate version as their "Darkness" moniker they used for the simple Dark Chocolate Kit-Kat last year. Makes more sense. These smell like one of those "death by chocolate" fudge like cakes. They taste like a chocolate wafer Kit-Kat, no more no less. It's good, and I have no real complaints about them other than they're not as awesome or exciting as I was hoping. I do like the brown wrapper with orange bats on it, though. Perfectly Halloween-y. -Pumpkin Spice Hershey Kisses! A caramel colored outside with a white filling inside. These smell and taste "spicier" than a lot of other pumpkin-y sweets. Maybe they used real nutmeg or cinnamon? Well, judging by the ingredient list, there is no kind of spice whatsoever used. Perplexing... and a tad worrisome. Have I reached the sad point of adulthood where I begin to care about what goes into my body? Why does this have to happen at Halloween time? I can't say these Kisses are terrible, but I don't find myself liking them too much. The heavy leaning on "pumpkin spice" makes me miss just a regular old Kiss. -Peeps Spooky Cats! For years and years I ate one Peep once a year around Easter, because for years and years that was when they were on shelves. The last few years, however, (or at least so I've noticed) Peeps finally figured out they could sell congealed sugar and corn syrup for any occasion, making them now nearly a year round staple. For me, though, they have moved from an Easter to a singularly Halloween treat. I just prefer the Halloween themed shapes (pumpkins, ghosts, grave stones, etc.) more than baby chickens or baby chickens with a sugar plum "Christmas" coating. I don't even necessarily enjoy Peeps. It's just a yearly tradition I use to remind myself I don't like Peeps that is too hardwired to give up. This year I couldn't resist the spooky cat packaging. It's beautiful in its simplicity, yet hits all the Halloween marks. It's still just a regular tasting Peep but shaped like a charcoal colored sitting cat with some drawn on eyes and whiskers that I presume are made from leftover marshmallow. -Krispy Kreme Pumpkin Spice Mini Crullers! This was a total waste. Smell no different than a regular cruller, and aside from the faintest trace of something resembling cinnamon at the very back end of the aftertaste, they also taste like a regular cruller. -Apple Pie Oreos! A graham flavored cookie (not so bad, but not so great... I imagine calling something "flavored" means they barely care to get the taste right, and it shows) encasing the sweetest sour apple filling one could imagine. (An affront to everything good.) To be fair, I don't like apple pie to begin with, so there was really no way these were going to work for me. But I was willing to give them a try, and it was a chore to finish even one cookie. The cream is simply heinous to me, obnoxious even. I've had a Mr. Yuck visage for at least ninety minutes now as a result of this accursed cookie. -Brach's S'mores Candy Corn! Previous attempts at flavored candy corn has proven to me it's a concept best left not materialized. Imagine my surprise to find that this iteration isn't all that bad. There is a marshmallow and chocolate flavor that comes into play, and it works alright. I can't imagine eating more than five pieces, however. After that it's sugar overload and the novelty wears off. -Brach's Apple Mix Candy Corn! An intense cider like smell wafts out as soon the bag is cracked open. There are three apple flavors here. 1. Green apple. A very faint apple flavor that's not gross, but it being in the consistency of a candy corn makes it seem (or feel) grosser than it is. 2. Apple pie. This is gross. It's like eating an old piece of pie crust dipped in old jelly. 3. Caramel apple. Not as gross as the apple pie, but grosser than the green apple. tastes like a caramel apple you found in the back of the fridge that still looked good, but you didn't discover it had gone bad until you took a full bite. -White Pumpkin Pie M&M's. Yet another in a long line of very mediocre white chocolate based M&M's. This is essentially a piece of white chocolate with a teeny dash of whatever M&M's are considering to be "pumpkin spice" or perhaps cinnamon even though nothing of the sort is in the ingredient list. And I suppose that's enough candy for one morning. Time to take this use and abuse to the couch, and ride out this upcoming sugar high. I'll make it back down one of these days.

[the-grumpy-panda]

Who's The Fairest?

Another snack box thingamadoo that I have no recollection of hearing of. I at some point had just made a note of the company name. I looked it up, and now I have a box of stuff from Journey Bites. If only I could jot down the name Zoe Saldana and get her in my paws a few days later. Hmm... it is close-ish to Halloween. If I say Zoe Saldana's name three times into a mirror, will she appear? Fingers and toes crossed! There was a distinction with Journey Bites, however, of being able to get in on the ground floor. This is their very first box/offering! They chose Singapore, and fortunately, it's a geographical location I haven't had a snack box from. Sextant says all stars were aligned. I was also able to simply order the box singularly. They do offer a subscription service, but a one time try suited me better for now.  I opted for the "large" box option. There was also a smaller "original" sized box with about half the treats. With the box you get a little fun fact and trivia booklet and the always appreciated treat break down placard that describes what you're about to ingest. So let's set sail, mates. Heave away for Singapore! -Chilli Tapioca Chips! As soon as the bag was even remotely cracked open, there was a smell that punches your face. It was like the most sugary, just cooked General Tso's sauce you can imagine. Not a bad smell, but it definitely takes you off guard. These taste like potato chips (actually made from cassava root, but I needed an easily recognizable substitute) dipped in the spiciest General Tso's sauce you can imagine. These are quite tasty, and ever so slightly sticky, but they are way too spicy for my tastes. Despite this, I know I will finish these because the flavor is so good I'll risk it. -Fancy Gems! A teeny cookie topped with a dollop of colored (green, white, yellow, pink)  icing. These are good. Very reminiscent of just a generic, vanilla cream cookie. Because they're so small, there are quite a bit in the four ounce bag. Perfect to share or to be a glutton with. -Hiro Choc Cake! A little round piece of cake coated in chocolate. The cake is really dry, and a bit too crumbly. The chocolate coating is nice, though, and helps give the cake the little bit of elevation in taste it needs. Not the greatest generic cake, but serviceable. -Chocolate Banana Pocky sticks! I was wondering where the chocolate was because based on look, smell and taste this thing was all banana. Then I noticed the stick itself was a chocolate stick with the coating being banana. The chocolate doesn't come through at all. It's just a crunchy thing coated in what tastes a lot like instant banana pudding. Not bad overall, but not a treat I'd actively seek out. -Mature Muruku! These look like one inch pieces of uncooked instant Ramen mixed with dried peas. They are described as a rice and black bean flour with spices crunchy snack. With dried peas. They are pretty tasty and a snack I wouldn't mind having again. I wish I could come up with a good taste comparison besides the "rice and black bean" given. -Haw Flakes! A sort of chalky disc thing. These taste like a sun dried fruit snack. They are made from the Chinese Hawthorn fruit, so I guess that's a good sign. I would akin the taste to the inside of a Fig Newton. Not terrible, but I'm not really in the mood, nor can I imagine ever being, to sit and eat a lot of dried, fig tasting discs. -Spicy Bali Vegetable Crackers! These do look like veggie chips I'm used to, albeit ridge-less. They are also a bit denser and crunchier than veggie chips I've had before, which work well in their favor. Other than "chilli" I have no idea what the spice element encompasses. Unfortunately, the spice lingers a bit too much at the end for my enjoyment. I enjoy everything else about these though quite a bit. -Coconut Delight Oreo! These seem stale, and the coconut seems very low level and manufactured in taste. I was sort of looking forward to these, so am sad that they're so disappointing. These taste very cheap knock off like despite being a genuine Oreo product. Maybe Nabisco doesn't have quality control duties for their Singapore based products. -Banana Cream Biscuits! Wow. These smell a lot, and the smell is quickly permeating the surrounding area, like a piece of banana Laffy Taffy. Take that flavor, make it a cream, and slather it on a sugar cookie, and you'd be pretty close to this cookie. It's tasty. -Pretz Pizza Sticks! These are way better than they have any right to be. A cracker stick that somehow smells like a cheese pizza, and I can distinctly glean a tomato flavor and a basil flavor. Simply the best pizza themed snack cracker I've ever had. -BBQ Prawn Crackers! Yes, prawns are an ingredient. These are flat, puffy discs. They unfortunately taste like a shrimp shell with a dry barbecue seasoning. The barbecue quickly dissipates, and your left with an unappealing shrimp shell taste.  Clearly not a snack my Western taste buds are ready for. -White Rabbit Creamy Candy! Shape and texture remind me of a Tootsie-Roll. Gummier and chewier than a Tootsie, though. Remind me flavor wise of a vanilla Tootsie. Not too bad, but since one takes a while to finish, it's not a treat I would have on hand a lot. And there you have it, a little sojourn through popular snacks in Singapore! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with some mirrors and a whole list of female celebrities to rattle off. If you never hear from me again, assume it all worked out and I have escaped into a world of unintelligible bliss. Or a neighbor heard me rambling off names while staring wide eyed in a mirror and the cops have me in custody. Either way #WeekendFun!

[the-grumpy-panda]

Magical Mastication!

What the...? ANOTHER write up? In so short a time frame? Indeed, all one of you readers. It's been a non stop gastrointestinal onslaught as I power through another counter shattering array of treats and snacks. I am a mighty Panda, and there is much food awaiting this intrepid eater. Then maybe all will be quiet... all too quiet... until... it's not. I don't know. Sometimes I buy a lot of junk, sometimes I eat like a proper human for a few months. It's a crazy ride. A bit of a mixed bag with this one. I'll start with various chips and sweet bits I randomly accumulated recently, yet I'll end with all the (very) early released Fall like/add pumpkin to everything things I have also acquired. Some aren't necessarily new items for this particular year, but they are the first time I have personally tried them. So let's put our best food bags in place, get the couch comfy and cozy, turn on some "Penn & Teller: Fool Us" for accompanying noise (well hello Alyson Hannigan, you cute thing, you...) and dive in! -Doritos Mix Blazin' Buffalo Explosion. Not sure why I have this. Curiosity (and store placement of ease) will be my ultimate undoing. Nothing about it looks appealing to me. The color of the bag is garish, the flavors sound like something you'd only find in non U.S. areas, and the whole effect just feels cheap and knock-off like somehow. The smell wafting from the bag upon opening doesn't help, either. Like a stale bag of Fritos rediscovered under the couch after the hottest summer on record and your air conditioning was broken. Four shapes and tastes in the bag. 1. Blazin' Buffalo & Ranch triangle chip. These were a flavor all on their own, correct? Tastes like a spicier Cool Ranch Dorito, so I guess it carries through its intent. I'm not a fan of Cool Ranch Doritos, though, and adding a bit of heat doesn't win me over any further. 2. A rolled up tortilla chip with the flavor of chipotle. Way crunchier and harder than a snack chip should be. Not an unpleasant taste, but not quite a winner, either. 3. Blue Cheese spiral thing. These taste a lot like Ranch Fritos as opposed to blue cheese, but there is an after element of something "creamy" that I can't decide if I like or not. But this isn't something I would want a whole bag, or even a large handful of, so I'll venture I don't care for it. 4. A Cool Ranch triangle thing. I was expecting these to taste like a cool ranch Dorito, but they simply taste like a frito, and have the same crunch about them. What gives? Doritos are manufactured by Frito-Lay, so I'm going to guess thiese are all left over Fritos. It's a conspiracy! Not that there's much difference regardless in chips made from a corn base. We've all been buying the same product merely repackaged all our lives! I'm sure there are some out there who would love everything about this combo bag of Doritos, though. -Tastykake Chocolate Flavored Cake Chips! Tastykake is not a brand I'm particularly fond of. To my taste buds, they simply don't make appealing products. But these were on sale for cheap, and I was in the mood to see if maybe Tastykake had improved any. These smell like brownies. Look like thin cookies. Taste like the crispy edge of a brownie. Pretty good, I must say, but no lasting appeal or excitement, really. After eating two I was ready to move on and I'll probably give the rest away. -So let's see if the Tastykake Birthday Cake Flavored Cake Chips fare any better. Oof. These have a weird, fermented smell to them. They don't taste good... at all. They are really sweet, but it's an unpleasant sweet, as if someone was trying to cover up the taste of a wholly burnt biscuit by pouring syrup on it. I do not like anything about this one. There are two other Cake Chip flavors that I saw, a Vanilla and a Salted Caramel, but I did not buy those. After this one, I don't think I'll ever bother. You almost had me with the chocolate cake chip, TK, then you demolished every shred of good will with these. -The counterpoint to Tastykake for me could be Entenmann's. A brand I have grown to trust in quality, flavor and enjoyment. So I sit a little slumped with having to admit Entenmann's has finally produced a product I simply don't like. That would be their new Raspberry Creme Jelly Rolls. A coconut covered cake roll with a cream and jelly filling. The cake is very dry, further hindered by an unappealing coconut coating. I don't mind coconut, but somehow this is the worst coconut I've ever had. The filling is quite sparse, which again only highlights how dry the product is, and the jelly component is nearly nonexistent. If there wasn't a pink coloring to the cake as a whole, I don't think anyone would even guess there was supposed to be a fruit element to these. A travesty of sweet goods, these. -Cookie Pop Chocolate Chip flavored popcorn! I nearly pulled every muscle possible in my hands and forearms trying to open this damn thing. This seems to be sealed with unheard of and secret levels of industrial sealer. I could go outside and life my car with one hand with more ease. A shame the trouble wasn't worth it. These aren't bad, but they merely taste of a sweeter kettle corn popcorn as opposed to chocolate chip. There is a very faint cocoa trace in the aftertaste if you gobble an entire handful at once. I'll finish 'em while watching a movie or something, but not a purchase I'd make again. -Do I dare try to open this bag of Cookie Pop Cookies & Cream flavored popcorn, then? What... Significantly easier to get into. What's the deal with the chocolate chip bag Cookie Pop? These at least smell vaguely of cookies and cream. Taste wise they are more reminiscent of their intended flavor than the chocolate chip ones. I'm actually reminded very much of a cheap ice cream sandwich with these. So they hit the mark at least, but I can't say I find them appealing enough to want to finish the bag. These will get shared/passed on. -Let's keep the popcorn train a rollin' with Smartfood Spicy Jalapeno Ranch popcorn! Well, they certainly smell like a ranch dressing mixed with jalapenos. And they certainly taste like popcorn laced with a jalapeno ranch sauce. I will give them credit for absolutely nailing the flavor promised. I only wish I enjoyed ranch flavoring (I don't) or jalapenos. I'm not necessarily against jalapenos, but since my "spicy and hot" desirability threshold is quite low, it's a tough addition for me to get exactly right. Then why would I try these you may ask? For science! And because they were left behind by a friend. Waste not, want not. If you like ranch and spicy things, I imagine these would serve you well. I must admit they weren't gross or terribly unsettling, and Smartfood white cheddar popcorn is a genuine favorite of mine, but jalapeno ranch is simply a wholly wasted flavor profile on me. -Snyder's Sweet Chili Garlic pretzel pieces! I was a HUGE fan of Snyder's Honey Mustard & Onion Nibblers. Then they stopped making those in favor of the "pieces" line of products. I was sad. Pieces just aren't the same. Nibblers are the way to go. But I was in the mood for some pretzels, and this limited edition flavor caught my eye at the right moment, and here we all are. Have they changed the model up since I last had a bag of Snyder's? These pieces seem way larger than the ones I had previously. These are good, solid chunks. Or has the bag just not sat around long enough to get further jostled and broken on shelves? At least it has nice big chunks in its favor. At first bite, I was enjoying these. The sweet chili was decent, but then the after bits kicked in with that lingering, sort of burning the back of your throat element that I simply can't abide. So I only half like these. Flavor wise, it's a good sweet chili flavoring and works well on a big pretzel chunk. It's just that lingering heat that does me in. -So what do I have on hand to cleanse my palate? Looks like Pepsi 1893 Black Currant Cola. I've tried all the 1893 versions I've seen so far, but can't recall if I've written about them. So here's a quick recap: I found the Original Cola and Ginger Cola versions pretty unappealing with one (can't recall which) being downright disgusting, but surprisingly found the Citrus Cola one (infused with grapefruit) decent. So let's crack open the Black Currant. Hmm. Smells of flat Pepsi. Tastes like a flat, made with real sugar Pepsi. This is also made with real sugar, so that helps explain it. I had to let a mouthful rest on my tongue for a bit before I could detect any berry flavoring at all, and when I did it was as faint as it could be, like the most severely watered down Kool-Aid possible. This isn't disgusting, but because it seems flat and because there's hardly any berry essence I won't be a repeat buyer of this. Now onto the early "Fall/Halloween-ish" treats released! -Hershey's Caramel Apple chocolates! "Fun apple shape!" as the bag proclaims. Or a round bottom. Or a pair of bosoms. Who are you tell me what shape I should see in your wrapped candy, Hershey? And don't judge me, either. I was not expecting to enjoy these as much as I did. A gooey apple caramel inside chocolate just seemed like a bad idea. They are quite tasty, though. The apple reminds me more of a cider flavor, and then the finishing notes are your normal Hershey chocolate and caramel flavors. I didn't think it would, but it works. I dig 'em. -Caramel Apple Pop Tarts! NOOOOOOO! Now I'm Angry Panda! But I'll do it. Sheesh, just getting these out of the wrapper is a sad affair. They couldn't be more bland and lifeless looking. Just a drab beige icing with a sad green streak down the middle that looks akin to toxic run off, and not the fun and festive green apple stripe they're supposed to be. I don't get any caramel flavor at all, just an apple cinnamon flavor, actually. As expected, the tart portion is dry, crumbly and still reminds me of an old WWII cracker ration. Moving on as quickly as I can... -Pepperidge Farm Pumpkin Cheesecake cookies! Exactly as advertised. Pumpkin spice cookies with white chocolate bits. Not bad, honestly, and PF is also a brand I've grown to trust for quality and taste. But being one who slightly dislikes white chocolate I think these would be better as a simple pumpkin spice soft cookie instead without that element. -Pepperidge Farm Pumpkin Spice Milanos! This may be the easiest one yet. We all know what pumpkin spice is supposed to be/simulate at this point. Do you like it? Do you like Milano cookies? (And why wouldn't you?) Then eat these. -Kellogg's Special K Pumpkin Spice Crunch! That's quite a name! To have full disclosure, I merely opened the bag and snacked on these dry, so I can't say if they're good/better/worse if served with milk. The flakes are pretty big and have a pleasant crunch. The smell upon opening the bag sort of reminded me of Golden Grahams. The taste is good, and the spice elements (listed on the box as Nutmeg, Allspice and Ginger) work well, although in a blind taste test, I think I would have guessed these as "Cinnamon Corn Flakes." I like them, though, with one exception. This cereal also contains little tan balls of "cinnamon clusters." These are cloyingly sweet and detract from the cereal as a whole quite a bit. I ate around them. Thus concludes this journey. Until next time. Boop.

[the-grumpy-panda]

SNACK SACK!

That's right, folks! A sack! Of snacks! Snack sack! For all your snacky snacks! Put 'em in a sack! I can't recall how I first caught wind about this subscription box, but when I finally got around to looking into it, I was about one hour away from the ordering cut off for the month. (There's a handy count down on the home page.) I placed an order, and a scant two days later, the box was in my hands. Snack Sack is a bit different than other boxes I've tried. They veer more towards healthier options. I know, I know, my insides have already begun the revolt. Before diving in, I will take a quick moment to give a shout out to Jonathan D. I'm not sure what his exact job title is, but when I had a shipping question, he was the one who (very promptly) responded and then carried on a small and amusing conversation with me even after my question was answered. He seemed pleasant, and appreciated that I appreciated his use of a Parks and Rec gif in his initial reply. And just for clarification, that's the only interaction I've had with Snack Sack. I am in no way compensated for talking about them. Nor will I hold back any praise or criticism regarding any of the products within the box. Let's take a peek at what we get with a Snack Sack box, eh? First, there's a comfy layer of coupons! At first I grimaced. I come for the food, and a coupon assault seemed like intrusive advertising. But after setting them aside and then peeking at them a wee bit later, I came to accept the coupons as a good idea. Mainly because healthier, or organic, or whatever buzz word of the week is in play snacks can be a lot pricier than their corn syrup based counterparts. If I fall in love with a particular item here, the coupon will indeed come in handy. Under the coupons was a handy booklet that provides info about the products, namely whether they are gluten free, vegetarian, non-gmo and such things that concern people who aren't me. My main food requirement/restriction is "Is it edible?" That's it. Also listed is the website for the company manufacturing the treats should one choose to look into the product further . Under the booklet was a genuine, bonafide, systematic, hydromatic handled cloth sack! This was an unexpected treat, and I could use it. It's certainly big enough to hold all the snacks in the box, and would serve one well to hold a quick trip inside a market for a few medium sized necessities. Although... is Mandy Moore vegetarian? I'm going to now carry my Snack Sack sack around with a fake bouquet of asparagus sticking out just in case. That should get her attention my way. That and sucking in the gut, right? Not sure if every box every time contains a sack, or of it's just an introductory thanks tossed into your first box. Maybe I'll need to email Jonathan about this. And maybe he knows Mandy Moore. Don't let me down, Jonathan! Okay. NOW we can get to the treat bits. In this box are fourteen (no wonder we need a damn sack!) selections. I've already been long winded here, so I'll try to get to the point about each of these. Here we go, in no particular order... -Bobalu Out Of Shell Almonds, in peach, cherry and lemon flavoring! What? I had to check the bag several times to make sure what I was reading was accurate. It is. Very nice smell upon opening the bag. If you've ever wondered what almonds soaked in Kool-Aid smelled like, grab a bag of these and take a whiff. They seem to be lightly coated in a mixture, however, not soaked. It's the coating that does a bit of a disservice. I enjoyed this product, truthfully, and never would have thought of such a thing on my own, but I never got a distinct sense of separate flavors. They all simply tasted tart and citric acid-y. -Cosmos Creations Sea Salt and Butter Premium Puffed Corn! There is definitely butter flavoring all over these. To me, it tastes of cheap movie theater butter, though. And an extra, extra serving of it at that. The salt is good, just the right amount, and the puffs are pleasantly crunchy. A little dialing back on the butter and I would rank these higher. As they are, they are serviceable, but I'll be pressed to finish even this snack size bag. Maybe movie theater butter fanatics would love these. I know they're out there. -Brothers Freeze Dried Sliced Peaches! These look and feel like a slightly stale and flattened cheese puff. I don't know the process of freeze drying. Maybe I'll look it up, because now I am curious how the process may or may not effect taste. There's only one ingredient to these... freeze dried peaches. The taste seems off, though. Like it's imitating a peach based on someone's vague memory of a peach. It's slight, and just seems off. Overall, there's nothing bad or gross about them, but I do think I'd need time to get used to freeze dried fruit. I also feel freeze dried fruit may work well in a smoothie or something, if that's your thing. Also, it's fun to say "freeze dried fruit." Try it! -Hippeas Sriracha Sunshine Chickpea Puffs! I'm very interested in these, but also a bit wary. I don't have much experience with sriracha, but the few times I've had it it just seemed to overpower the dish as a whole as opposed to help elevate the flavor profile. I've never had a chickpea puff, though, so it could be fun! The smell of these very much reminds me of a Korean barbecue sauce. They are very dry and very crunchy, but pleasantly so. When I first picked one up, it felt like it would be rock hard to chew, so I was pleased this wasn't the case. There is a very well balanced coupling of the sriracha and chickpea tastes. They blend very well, and each has a chance to exist with neither being the star, rather settling into a happy duo. The heat is present, but doesn't linger, which is perfect for me. These are a solid winner. I had to force myself not to eat the whole bag. I will definitely find out how to procure more though. -Nothing But The Fruit Strawberry Fruit Bites! Little squares of fruit bites that are fun to pop in the mouth. I'm in the middle on these, though. The first few bites were enjoyable, although I wouldn't have guessed strawberry as the flavor. Once the chewing continues, there's a sight medicinal aspect that comes out for some reason. It's possible my taste buds are just reacting to the absence of chemicals and corn syrup in my fruit snacks. I'll give these another go at a further date. They weren't off putting, but don't excite me either. -The same can be said for the NBTF Mixed Berry fruit bites. I did find the mixed berry aspect more appealing than the strawberry, however. -Bobalu In The Shell Almonds! You want me to work for my snacks? The reason we buy snacks is the ease and comfort of faceless companies doing the work for us! What is this blasphemy? I've never had a shelled almond, now that I think about it. I made the mistake of cracking the first one open with my teeth in my mouth. At first it was a pleasant, salty escapade, but then the shell turned into this dry husk thing that I'll call "wasp nest-esque" and I couldn't spit it out quick enough. Did I do something wrong? Are there almond purists who eat the shell? The next few I cracked open by hand and enjoyed... the almonds. Simple. But I will not ever buy shelled almonds. Which now strikes me as odd. I have no issue with shelled walnuts or pistachios. I must have repressed almond issues. Someone tell Mandy Moore I need a hug. -Beanitos Hint Of Lime White Bean Chips! Not bad, but a little too reliant on that powdery citric acid mixture making the rounds today. I think these need another element to truly make them pop. A spice, or scant trace of heat would be a great compliment, and even dipping in salsa would elevate these. -Primal Kitchen Chocolate Hazelnut Bar! For such a small bar, it's pretty dense and hefty. Upon opening the wrapper, I see why. This thing is absolutely loaded with nuts and coated in the glossiest, ready for a Food Network photo shoot chocolate I've ever seen. It's also very tasty and almost has a nougat texture to it. It's quite simple and direct with itself, and it works wonderfully in its favor. Another item I'm greatly enjoying and will definitely seek out more of. -The Gluten Free Bar, Oatmeal Raisin edition! Another dense little thing, akin to my eyes to a protein bar. The first thing I notice in my first bite is a spice/cinnamon component that gets very close to being too much, but stops at just the right point. It's moist in feel, but seems quite dry once chewing commences. I like it though, and think it tastes good, even though I get no oatmeal or raisin flavoring from it. If this is meant as a healthier protein bar, it's definitely one I would seek out were I more active. What are you trying to say GFB? -Earnest Eats Cran Lemon Zest food bar! This thing smells like freshly squeezed lemon juice, and lemon juice flavor is very prevalent. I specify "juice" as that's how it tastes to me, meaning it doesn't seem like artificial lemon was used. And no, I can't be bothered to read ingredient lists, because I would hate to find out it is fake lemon. I'm enjoying this. The cranberry is pretty faint, but once it comes out it mingles well, and I like the consistency and chewiness of the encompassing oats. Another delicious snack! -Homeplate Peanut Butter Spread with Honey! If I had the sense about me beforehand, I probably would have smeared this all over every other snack I've tried. Maybe in round two! This is very, very good peanut butter. Very smooth, very creamy, and a perfect note of honey to accompany the peanut taste. Well done, Homeplate. -We're winding down now, if anyone is still with me! Only two left to go, and I purposely made them last as they are pretty common snacks and ones I've had before. The first is Lotus Biscoff cookie. To me, these always seemed like a slightly sweeter ginger snap, with extra brown sugar, and without the ginger. So you see I can't be trusted to accurately describe things. But they are good, they are crunchy, and yes, they go well with coffee. -To finish us off we have a Wild Garden Snack Box To Go, with Roastd Garlic Hummus and Veggie Chips! If you like hummus, and if you like veggie chips, this is a handy little snack and tastes exactly as it should. The hummus has a nice and refreshing zest to it as well. Very tasty! So there you have it! Needless and unasked for ramblings about healthier snack options. I may even have been inspired to go for a walk! Eh. I think I see another person out there, and it most assuredly is not Mandy Moore. And I still have some Homeplate peanut butter. I think I'm good. Cheers!

[the-grumpy-panda]

Never Tested On Real Pandas!

Flying a bit free and loose here. No rhyme, reason, or time frame. Just stuff what I done ate at some point and had a thought about. Gotta take it easy in preparation for the Halloween junk food onslaught fast approaching. Although I did randomly find the 2017 Monster Cereals already on shelves in mid-August, so I'm 3/4ths of the way done with my yearly Halloween must haves. Once the Little Debbie Pumpkin Delights pop up, everything else is just an afterthought. So this write up may be brief. I'll quietly creep in... leave my musings scattered about... and quietly creep out. Just like when I visit Danielle Harris. Wait... Or it may not be brief. One never knows. I might go on a tangent about the 1962 Jackie Gleason film "Gigot" or maybe Ghoulies IV. You've been warned. Anyway. Let's snack! -Peanut Butter and Jelly Oreo cookies! First off, why are they so vague about the jelly? It's just called "jelly." Not a specific flavor of jelly. Odd. Anyway. The peanut butter dominates the taste, you have to really try to suss out the jelly. Which is a shame, because once you do the combination works surprisingly well. Until the jelly portion hits, it's just a bit of a bland and dry peanut butter gumming up your mouth. It needs the jelly part to cut through that. Not that it's a real "jelly," it is still a cookie cream consistency, but it seems a softer cream, and is a bit sweeter. A little more jelly on the cookie, and you would have had something here, Nabisco. And since you won't give it a flavor attribute, I'm going to call it "Doo-Doo Jelly." Look at me all adult like! -Aunt Jemima Very Berry Griddle Poppers! Was iffy on buying these. As previously mentioned, frozen waffles aren't my thing. Frozen pancakes are also an item I generally avoid. They just seem rubbery and make me sad. But for a couple of months now these things kept catching my eye as I would walk down the frozen food aisle. Not sure why they did, or why I finally gave in, but a Grumpy Panda with a rumbling tummy is easily swayed. So here we have little balls of pancake like stuff with pieces of "fruit" laced throughout. Eh. just as I suspected. No different taste wise than a frozen pancake. If you like those, I suppose you'll like these. While I'll admit these aren't the worst frozen pancake product I've had, they're still not for me. -Oreo-O's cereal! I never had this cereal when it was first on shelves, so I have no nostalgic memories for comparison. Other than knowing this version doesn't have the marshmallows that it's forebear did, this is a whole new cereal to me. Tastes of an extremely dry and far too crunchy chocolate cereal, not much of an Oreo presence. Is the supposed addition of milk meant to simulate the cream portion of an Oreo? These were a bit of a dud. There are far better, and less tooth breaking, chocolate cereals out there. -Honey Maid S'mores cereal! Tastes exactly like what I thought they would be. Take some Golden Grahams, take some Cocoa Puffs, take any cereal marshmallow and mix them together... you now have Honey Maid S'mores cereal. It wasn't bad, but not all that impressive either. Had it not distinctly reminded me of other cereals, maybe it could have gotten a better ranking, -Little Debbie S'mores Rolls! Let me get one thing straight right at the start... I fuc*in' love these things. Little Debbie had a s'more cake thing before a few years back, but it was way closer to a s'more, with a graham cookie sandwich thing going on, than this roll. I don't care. This roll is heavenly. The smell, the heft, the abundance of cream, the taste... magical. I want these to be a permanent fixture, but then again I don't. I would never be able to stop myself from buying a box whenever I entered a store selling them. -Mac n' Cheetos frozen snacks!  Because I wasn't paying attention, I accidentally picked up the Flamin' Hot version of this "treat." I'm not a fan of overly hot/spicy things, but I'll give these a go since they're here. In case you don't know, these are little mac and cheese bite things with a crispy/crunchy coating. In this case, the coating (and even shape of these) is meant to resemble a puffy Cheeto. Hmm. The coating is very thick and certainly overpowers the whole thing. The inside is pretty bland and consists of quite cheap mac and cheese, (which should surprise no one, really) and not actually all that cheesy all things considered. And yes, there is a hot kick that stays after chewing that is not my thing. So they got that right, I'm just not the one who enjoys such things. I personally can't recommend these. As a one and done experiment, I guess its just alright. I imagine a younger or a drunker person would have better things to say about them. -Toaster Strudel Strawberry Cupcake pastries! I was really expecting these to be a sugar overload. They're very muted truth be told, and not once was I reminded of a cupcake. The cream inside reminded me more of a custard, and while the icing has a faint strawberry note about it, unless eaten on its own, it gets lost in the fray of crust and filling. Not the best Toaster Strudel, but I can't really detract from it too much, honestly. It serves its purpose, and it tastes alright. It just doesn't taste like a strawberry cupcake. It's more like a Boston cream pie with a very, very faint dash of strawberry flavoring. -Jelly Belly Krispy Kreme doughnut flavored jelly beans! I have no idea when I went looking for these, or even when I had heard of them, but a few days ago I received notification from Jelly Belly that this particular flavor was back in stock. Okay, you stalkers. Trying to ply me with kooky junk food as if I'd fall for such a dangerous ploy. Nice try! So I bought some. Then I ate them. There are five flavors, and here's the breakdown. 1. Cinnamon Apple Filled! Of course. My least possible favorite doughnut is the first one in the mix. Definitely a very sweet cinnamon flavor right at the front. The apple is very faint, but noticeable as you chew. I like these better than the actual doughnut, but not a jelly bean I'd seek out all the same. 2. Strawberry Iced! This one took a long time for any flavor to kick in, and when it did it was very faint. I wouldn't say "strawberry iced doughnut" is what comes through, though. It really just tastes of sugary gelatin. 3. Original Glazed! Well, again, a very muted flavor that comes into play at the back end. Because I know it's supposed to taste like a doughnut, I do get a sense of that. If this were just a random jelly bean I was eating, though, my guess would have been a simple caramel jelly bean. 4. Glazed Blueberry Cake! Wow. They nailed this one. The gelatin aspect aside, this tastes like a glazed blueberry doughnut. Good job on this one. 5. Chocolate Iced With Sprinkles! I am again impressed with this one. I wouldn't say it tastes anything like a doughnut, but it absolutely tastes exactly like the chocolate glaze used on their doughnuts. No sprinkle aspect, either, but I don't care. This is just a damn good chocolate jelly bean. And that's that. Easy. Breezy. Beautiful. Grumpy Panda.

[the-grumpy-panda]

Eat Them Up, Yum!

No fish heads here. Just the remains of my counter top junk food blow out. I can use my counter again! The real treat within these treats may be the two (originally three, but one was cancelled on the sellers end, and of course it's the one I really wanted. Maybe next time...) chips I ordered from Canada, because why not? Thanks Ebay! I've already gotten candy from all over the world, so let's see what the Canadians are hiding. Besides the secret to producing attractive celebrities. Curse you Ryan Reynolds. Do you know how hard you make it for us average folk? Bastard. But I'm keeping Neve Campbell and Evangeline Lilly. They are mine now! Oh, and Emily VanCamp. Thanks so much. I'll probably just blow right through these and make any comments short and direct. I think I'm simply ready to be done with this phase of eating. **Quick note. Parts of this were written months ago. So excuse the fact that some of these treats may no longer be on shelves. Maybe I should change my nom de plume to "That Fuc*ing Lazy-Ass Panda." HEY! Even Grumpy Panda's get busy. Orphan Black marathons won't watch themselves. But don't ask me to tell you about the show. I'm merely in love with Tatiana Maslany. Wait a minute... lemme check this internet thing... WOW! Another Canadian! Yup. MINE. Seriously, Canada... what's in your water up there? On to the eaty (Fake word number 46.) things -Honey Roasted Reese's Peanut Butter Cups! Almost no discernible difference from a regular Reese's cup. The aftertaste is where this gets you, but not pleasantly. There's an acrid note coming way at the end, and a bit of an oily sensation somehow. -Barbecue Payday candy bar! Take a Payday, roll it in some dry rub barbecue seasoning, and you'd have this bar. It doesn't work all that well, though. It's not gross, and I think I've learned that peanuts coated with a dry rub barbecue mix would be delicious, but the barbecue does not mix well with the sweet nougat portion. At all. -Hershey's Cherry Cheesecake candy bar! An unpleasant smell is the first thing to greet you. It's like a cheap, institutional soap almost. Taste wise, I don't like it. Whatever they did to try to get the white chocolate (not something I'm a fan of to begin with) to taste a bit more like cheesecake is off, and it leaves me reminded of lavender candy... which is also not very good. This may be due to the cherry element. It's present, and were it not for the surrounding chocolate, it might be a decent flavor element. Maybe they'll try this part in another bar. Then there's the cookie bits, which make the bar look unappealing as well. Little dark pieces festooned like barnacles. I suppose this is meant to simulate a crust like element, and while it does add a needed crunch, that's about all it does right. -Strawberry Kit-Kats! Was strawberry a flavor in the mix from all those Japanese Kit-Kats I tried way back when? I can't recall, but if it was, I bet it was better than this one. Not that this one is wholly bad, it's just a bit mediocre. It smells of Frankenberry cereal, which is fine by me, but the taste is just too artificial and a bit too sweet. -Mike & Ike Cherry Cola candies! Aw, man. These smell like cinnamon. They taste like a cinnamon or spiced cola. It's cool the cola flavor comes through, but no cherry seems present and a spiced cola is not appealing. Anyone else remember when Pepsi tried that exact thing one holiday season? Yeah, it was gross, and these unfortunately remind me very much of that. Mike & Ike also have a Root Beer Float candy out, but I didn't see those whilst oot and aboot. (Is that Canadian enough to trick Mia Kirshner, you think? Yet ANOTHER fine example of prime Canadian genes.) -But wait! What's this that just became a thing in my life mere minutes ago.I kid you not. I wrote the preceding paragraph yesterday, and today this makes its existence known. How coincidental... and saddening.  Pepsi Fire soda! Pepsi with cinnamon. Didn't they learn from the spiced cola fiasco? If this wasn't handed to me, I never would have bought it of my own accord. It smells like dank beer. It tastes like sheer awfulness. That is all that need be said. -Mike & Ike Buttered Popcorn candies! I know I've had a popcorn jelly bean before, but I can't remember my thoughts about it. These can't be much different though, can they? To start with, they certainly nailed the stale popcorn smell of a run down theater. That's not necessarily a bad smell, just a distinct one. There is a surprisingly decent and understated buttered popcorn to these. Unfortunately the gelatin aspect of the candy overpowers the whole thing, so ultimately once the initial flavor burst subsides, it's like chewing a mouthful of unflavored goop. Which, I suppose, is exactly what candies like these are before getting flavor added. I will say I like them, and eventually I finish up the box, but I do think an extra dose of flavoring pumped into the mix would take these up a notch.   Ruffles Mozzarella & Marinara potato chips! These smell just like a cheap,  frozen mozzarella stick. If that's good or bad depends on how you feel about cheap, frozen mozzarella sticks. I'm okay with them. I don't get a lot of cheese flavor from these, but there is a very noticeable marinara with Italian seasoning element, and it's not bad. But not great, either. It's... fine. Were the marinara flavoring not so noticeably powdery, these would be better. Not bad, overall. I'd try them again down the road once I'd forgotten I'd had them before. -Ketchup flavored Pringles! These smell like a ketchupp packet left open in the bottom of a mop bucket. I think the bucket part might be the can permeating out. What are you making these cans from, Pringles? The taste isn't all that bad, though. I'm reminded very much of a cold, limp french fry dipped in ketchup, but with the crunch of a chip. I thought these would be gross, but they're serviceable. I wouldn't eat too many at one time, but I'll graze on them in the coming week. -Chocolate Peanut Butter Twinkies! I almost passed on these, because they just LOOK boring. Do they come out a winner, though. Nope. Dry as desert toast and a nearly missing filling makes these a quick trick by Hostess to use up leftover batter and get your dollars. Don't give them any! -Lay's Crispy Taco chips! Lay's Everything Bagel chips! Lay's Fried Green Tomato chips! Shoot. I can't remember enough for a full run down. So here's the quickness... The bagel ones were my least favorite. The fried green tomato ones were my favorite, but I also liked the taco ones. However, I thought the variety should have been different. The taco should have been the 'kettle cooked' version leaving the bagel for the regular chip. -Let's not forget Lay's Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno Popper chips! I had them. Again, specifics escape me, but I was left unimpressed. I didn't hate them, but would ignore them if I saw them again. -Dunkin' Donuts Mocha Oreos! I liked these. Just enough mocha flavor complementing the chocolate cookie for an enjoyable treat. Goes great with a glass of whatever milk or milk like substance is your fancy. -Tropicle Fruit Punch flavored pickle! Because... because sometimes life is sh*t and fruit punch flavored pickles in a jar are there to hold your hand as you take that last step off the bridge. However... I found these unassaulting. (Fake word number 86.) They were fine. Not delicious, but just "Oh. So that's what a pickle soaked in Kool-Aid tastes like. Okay. This is a thing, though?" Wouldn't buy them again, but if I were at your cook out and you put one on my plate I'd eat it. And then dial the suicide hotline for you. I believe that brings me to a conclusion. And a respite. It is now close to mid August. That means... Halloween sweets are soon to be upon us. As early as August 7th, 2017, I saw Pumpkin Spice Cheerios and Pumpkin Spice Quaker oatmeal on shelves. Now THAT'S early. And just a couple of days after that, I saw the pumpkin shaped Reese's cups. Time to cash in savings bonds and get ready for a spooky treat fest. Or a trip to Canada. What are they building? They have subscriptions to those magazines. They never wave when they go by... what are they building up there?

[the-grumpy-panda]

Dollars To Doughnuts, Whatever That Means!

I assume it means I had dollars, but now I have doughnuts. Magic! We'll start this one with some sweet stuff, and hopefully before the impending diabetes takes my foot I'll have time to get into some not so sweet stuff before circling back to the sweets once again for a finishing move. Oof. This might be the point where I acknowledge all this junk food is adversely effecting me. Should I switch to reviewing food that is actually proper and healthy? Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps. Maybe I'll just ride it out until the first heart attack. Here we go, then! -Entenmann's Donut Shoppe doughnuts! Entenmann's generally makes good products, so will their attempt to dress up a bit for the party be a boon or a bust? There are three versions out now, and to save some space and time, I'll group them together. There's a Black & White iced doughnut, a Spring Flower iced doughnut and a Party Sprinkled iced doughnut. Only the spring one expressly says "limited edition" but I have no idea if the others are permanent or if this line of product will be one in constant flux. They're all good, but nothing about them is really all that different from normal Entenmann's eats, save for the color of the icing (the flower is pink and the party one is white) and the addition of sprinkles. I did find myself enjoying the Black & White doughnut the most out of the three. If I had to guess it's probably because the other two are glazed AND iced, and then topping them with sprinkles very nearly puts them at "too sweet" levels. -Mississippi Mud Pie Oreos! Is Oreo trying to get sneaky? Is this just a regular chocolate Oreo with a new name? Does the "whipped cream" flavored cream taste different than regular Oreo cream? The answer is... a little bit, but only if you eat the whipped cream half of the cream by itself and really take a moment to analyze it. If eating the cookie as a whole... yup. It tastes like a chocolate Oreo. The whipped cream but gets wholly lost among the chocolate cream and the chocolate cookie. Zoinks. How many times can one person say cream? -Deep Fried Twinkie! I thought these were a Wal Mart exclusive, but I just happened upon them willy-nilly in a local grocer. I guess I'm just lucky like that, he said with a face that would suggest otherwise. A frozen treat that needs to be baked, so they might be stretching the deep fried concept a wee bit, although the cooking instructions do list frying as an option, so maybe I'm just being persnickety. Nonetheless, it's a Twinkie covered in a batter of sorts, and I chose to bake it to keep things as simple and mess free as possible. It comes out smelling of a warm cake doughnut, so it's off to a good start. All in all, it rather tastes like a funnel cake. The Twinkie aspect is hardly noticeable. I like funnel cake, so that's fine, but ultimately this isn't as fun as it should have been. Maybe the experience would be better served if one ate a deep fried Twinkie at some sort of festival, where it would presumably be some semblance of "fresh", but that's for you to tell me about. Eventually I'll finish off the box, but I imagine they'll linger in my freezer until I have no other sweets to satiate my cravings. -Deep Fried Banana Twinkie! Another version? Yep. There's also a chocolate one, but the store didn't have those. This one has some sort of graham cracker coating. If it weren't for the darker coloring and the box saying so, I don't think I'd ever have noticed any difference at first. These want very badly to taste like a caramelized banana. It gets close enough to remind you of that superior treat, but doesn't quite master the connection, and I think it's the coating that hinders this one. It's not bad all things considered, but I don't foresee myself going back for another anytime soon. Crunchy chippy time! -Lay's BLT potato chips! Smell faintly of a smoked barbecue chip, but one that was left out and is now old and stale. The chip is festooned with all kinds of specks that I assume is what the ingredient list claims is simply "BLT Seasoning" but no real flavor comes through. This is another in a series of recent snack foods that simply fail to taste like anything other than the most basic aspect of the item. Meaning these merely taste like a potato chip. Where's the bacon? Where's the tomato? Two flavors easily concocted in other snacks. Hell, where's the lettuce? If you can make pickle flavor into a chip, you can do lettuce. But you probably wouldn't anyway, so I can forgive the lettuce flavor being missing. No one is buying this chip for lettuce flavoring. Maybe my hopes were up to high for this one, but they disappointed me all the same. -Lay's Lime & Sea Salt potato chips! The smell is distinctly lime and sea salt, so that's a good sign. Definitely a lime flavor all over these, with a light trace of salt. Not bad. I've never had dry margarita mix, but I imagine it might taste like this chip. I like these. Not overpowering at all. You pop 'em in, have a fun moment, and then the taste casually goes away, leaving you wanting more. I probably would have eaten the whole bag were it not for making a conscious decision not to. -Lay's Kettle Cooked Sweet Chili & Sour Cream potato chips! Delectably crunchy! I love me a kettle cooked chip. I don't know the science behind what makes them come out different, but I heartily approve. Fortunately for me, I'm not getting a strong sour cream flavor here. I like sour cream the condiment fine, but for some reason it never translates all that well onto a chip for me. These chips mostly taste of the sweet chili, and it's pretty good. A nice little kick that isn't too hot, it doesn't burn the palate, it just pats your taste buds a top o' the morning, and carries on about its business. Maybe the sour cream aspect is the silent handyman behind these not being too hot. A cooling down flavor barely noticeable? Could be! You know, now I want to dip these into actual sour cream and try them that way. Again, I had to make myself not eat the whole bag. Even harder to put down than the lime and sea salt ones. Two out of three ain't bad, as they say. Good work here, Lays! -Pringles Loud Super Cheesy Italian chips! Are Pringles classified as chips? I don't think I've ever thought they were. If you say "Go get me some chips." you'll get some form of potato chip. Tortilla chips get specified, and if you want Pringles, you specify Pringles. So what are they??? Anyway, I don'y know what 'loud' is supposed to mean. Oh, wait. The top of the can says "Bold Flavor. Epic Crunch." Okay, then. These smell like gym socks. These taste like an old corn chip dipped in old sink water in a dingy restaurant with a weird 'wheaty' aftertaste. Gross. -Pringles Loud Spicy Queso chip things! These smell like that gross and fake nacho cheese sauce concoction that I simply don't like, and it's a condiment that makes any item it's put on or any item dipped in it immediately sad. Not a good start for these. Yup. they taste like a tortilla that was dipped into a spicy nacho cheese sauce and left on the counter to dry out and get extra gross. No thank you, Pringles Loud!   Now back to sweet! Oh, sugar... you sweet talking killer, you. -Pillsbury S'mores Mini Pies! These are definitely mini, and come out of the package looking like a flat cookies and cream dough of some sort. Ever have a Toaster Strudel? These s'more pies come with a frosting packet just like those do, only in chocolate flavor. Damn it, Pillsbury. I buy junk food to avoid effort. Why do you make me frost my own coffin sweets? Baking it certainly puffs it up, and it smells of a s'more, and that's just fine. The taste is merely chocolate and graham cracker, which isn't to say that's bad. There is a marshmallow component clearly visible on the inside, but the flavor is completely overshadowed by the other two and while the marshmallow aids in keeping the treat from being too dry, the taste element is sadly missed. Oops, wait a second. Eating a bite from the dead center of this brings the marshmallow into play. That was a good bite. Maybe I didn't bake it long enough to get the marshmallow oozy and gooey properly, or maybe they skimped on the marshmallow. Jinkies. How many times can one person say marshmallow? All in all, not bad. I think it might be more of a treat best served in winter, though. Let's break norm here and venture into what technically passes as breakfast items nowadays. I don't agree with that assessment, as I know junk food when I see it, but who am I to argue with decades upon decades of contrary opinions and sales facts. -Eggo Chocolatey Chip Banana frozen waffles! I've never been fond of frozen waffles. Just cardboard to me. Will this iteration be any different? Right out of the box they smell like a banana split sundae, so that was surprising and pleasant. Taste wise... they taste like a banana flavored frozen waffle with chocolate chips. I'm not sure how I feel about these, truth be told. I'm impressed that they were able to get two distinct flavors to come out with neither being too faint or too overpowering. It's right on the mark, but it still leaves me with a sad frozen waffle flavor at the end of it all, which I just don't like. As far as frozen waffles go, I must admit these are the best I've had (which isn't many) but I don't think they've quite convinced me I may have been wrong about frozen waffles all this time. -Kellogg's Disney Princess cereal! I... don't know why I bought this. It jumped out at me for reasons undecipherable. Never let it be said that bright packaging and cute cartoon ladies aren't a direct marketing ploy, even to a grumpy ol' panda such as myself. Kellogg's, you evil geniuses! A heart shaped, strawberry flavored cereal with marshmallows. They don't taste like strawberry, though. Rather, it's more akin to a slightly sweeter Lucky Charms. I'm not sure what the two marshmallow shapes are supposed to be. A tiara and a flower? Or a Gremlin claw and a demon summoning amulet. Yeah, that sounds about right. Okay, then. Time to find something manly to do to offset this cereal purchase. My eyebrows have been needing some plucking and shaping. Cream. Marshmallow.

[the-grumpy-panda]

Junkfoodio Rambleosa!

This is almost all I have left of this most recent junk food splurging madness. This write up might be slightly longer than usual as a result, but not as long as it could have been. I might be able to squeeze yet another ramble out of what's left. You're welcome. Or I may simply decide enough is enough and forego any more food musings. You're twice as welcome. Some of these may not be all that new/exclusive/limited/whatever by the time this hits the wonders of the internet press, but they are new to me as of this writing. If they've been out awhile, this is simply the first time I stumbled across them while out and about. So let's just get to it. -Thomas' S'mores Mini bagels! A slight chocolate smell, as if they were lightly dusted with cocoa (they're not) but no real s'more flavor. There's a light chocolate flavor in the aftertaste, but it's not enough to make these memorable or worth seeking out. -How will the Thomas' S'mores English Muffin fare, then? To begin, it's a sickly cocoa color, so at first glance at least it appears that it may be chock full of flavor. It smells like a doughy s'more, so that's a good start. The flavor is definitely closer to a s'more than the mini bagels, but it doesn't quite get it right. Again, it's too... doughy. If that makes sense. Maybe s'more just isn't a flavor that translates to bread products. These were still enjoyable overall, though, and were good all warm and toasty with a dab of butter. Definitely the one to try. -Triscuit Ginger & Lemongrass! Is there a greater food complexity than Triscuits? It seems we all wake up one day after reaching a certain age, and we just instinctively, and suddenly, like Triscuits. If this rule doesn't apply to you, then a-ha! You are an android, and you have failed my fail proof method of sussing you out. This particular Triscuit could prove problematic. I'm of a mind to think it will either be heinous, or not so bad. So far, Triscuits have been pretty consistent in making their off color ventures relatively successful, so the odds are in their favor. Everything about this particular version turns out to be... faint. There are very faint notes of ginger and lemon upon opening the bag, but you must take a deep breath in. There is a very faint ginger and lemon taste when chewing, but it recedes rather quickly. These work okay enough, and I enjoyed them as is, but this is one Triscuit that truly begs to be topped with something, where the faint ginger and lemon aspects would play a small part to a whole. These may also work well crumbled into a soup of sorts. -Triscuit Fig & Honey! These gave me an audible "Oh!" moment when I first saw them on the store shelf. I never knew I needed this until it was presented to me. Unfortunately, I was slightly let down by the experience once I opened the bag. There is a light fig aroma to be detected, but it could also be perceived as an earthy tone. It's not that it's bad, it's just not the sweet kick I was expecting to take in. The first few bites are also the same, a light fig/earthy presence that doesn't impress or dissuade. Then the honey note kicks in, and it has a burnt or old aspect to it that doesn't play well on the tongue. I suppose Triscuit was due for a misfire, but I wouldn't have guessed this would be the one. Overall, it's still an okay snack, and it too may best be served with an accompanying topping, but I'm less inclined to explore that option than I was with the Ginger & Lemongrass ones. -Utz Grilled Hot Dog potato chips! Oddly enough, upon first whiff these remind me ever so slightly of the Crab Chip that Utz (and others) produce. Which is peculiar for a hot dog flavored chip. If you're not familiar with the crab chip, it's a chip made with Old Bay seasoning. If you're unfamiliar with Old Bay, then you are not from, or have never visited, the East Coast. It's a staple seasoning blend, and over the last few years it has grown quite noticeably, and one can find "crab seasoning" on all sorts of food items. It was fun at first to see someone put it on a chip, and it's not bad on a chicken wing, but purists will maintain it's strictly for seafood, with crabs (obviously) being the absolute number one use. Followed very closely by shrimp, then followed by every other type of seafood. But I digress... heavily. Taste wise, the first thing I notice is salt. These are quite salty. The second thing I noticed was a heavy smoke flavor, which isn't the most pleasant thing to get from a chip, but I must admit it does make me think of something being grilled. The last flavor that is at play here is mustard. Underneath the salt and the smoke is a clear and distinct mustard element. I like the mustard part actually, and am sad it comes after the too much salt and smoke parts. I can't say it distinctly reminds me of a hot dog, but a grilled something or other element is there. -Utz Cheeseburger potato chips! Will these best the not quite right hot dog chips? Let's see. First whiff gives me a very faint ketchup odor, but one that is overpowered by a pickle aroma. Taste wise, I would have to say the same. They taste like a dollop of ketchup that was mixed with some pickle juice, and at the tail end there is also a salty cheese element that comes out. I don't get any smokiness like the hot dog one, so the cheeseburger or grill element is missing. As they stand, it's a weird ketchup/pickle/cheese chip. It's not gross, but they're rather forgettable, and after eating a few I noticed that again, these are quite salty. It left out in a bowl with no labeling, I imagine most would think they're either a pickle chip, or some kind of cheese and onion flavor. -Little Debbie PB Rounds! A fudge dipped peanut butter sandwich cookie. Well, isn't that cute? They've scored the top in the method of a traditional peanut butter cookie. It also tastes like a peanut butter cookie dipped in chocolate, so there's nothing else to add about it. It was good, and if you like peanut butter cookies dipped in chocolate, give this one a spin. My one complaint is that the cookie parts were a little too thick. This needed to be an ever so slightly thinner treat. Well, now that I think about it, I have another complaint. The peanut butter is a little too sugary and fake. It won't stop me from finishing the box over some time, but I do wish it was slightly less artificial as well. But it's a snack cake from Little Debbie. It's going to be fake, and at worst a bad Little Debbie treat is still alright enough to eat, so why am I complaining? -Keebler Lemon Cream Pie Fudge Stripe cookies! Almost nothing to say about these. They are exactly what they promise to be. A lemon cookie with some icing. They're good, and if you like such things, they're worth a taste.   -Hostess Summer Berry Donettes! Smell like blueberries, taste like raspberries and have the color of some kind of sangria Kool-Aid. They are however, quite tasty with a very nice moistness level. They don't seem as thick as other donettes I've had. They seem a little flatter and a litter rounder. Or I'm just crazy. I like these a lot. -Pop-Tarts Frosted Chocolate Sugar Cookie. No exclamation point. Pop-Tarts deserve no exclaims, certainly no acclaim. Dry. Dusty. Tasteless. Sad. Drywallesque.  I imagine these are merely left over World War I rations Kellogg's repackaged and then painted pictures on. Oh, yeah. For whatever weird reason these have villains from the DC comics realm plastered on them. The one I begrudgingly took a solitary bite from had someone named Cheetah on it. I don't know who that is, but she looked like a sexy Thundercat and was in a bikini. That's the only exciting thing about this travesty of a treat. But aren't Pop-Tarts meant to be for kids? Why are you pasting nearly naked, top heavy cat ladies on a kids food item? They're eating a Pop-Tart, for crying out loud! Their young little lives have already been messed up enough! Don't warp their brains, too. Shame at you Kellogg's. -Jolly Rancher Green Apple Pop-Tarts. They did it. Those crafty bastards actually did it. Foil wrapped HATE that you can buy for roughly three bucks a box. With the added stank of a green apple candy flavor, the worst candy flavor. I tried one, and if I saw these in a bunker I was to live in after a nuclear fallout, I'd go back outside and take my chances instead. To be honest, if I even see these on a store shelf again, it might cause me to spontaneously diarrhea all over the store and anyone therein while simultaneously setting fires in the hopes it erases these foul and vile things from the planet. If the judge and jury at my impending trial has tasted one of these, there is no way I'll be convicted. Eat this damn thing at your own peril. -Jolly Rancher Cherry Pop-Tarts. To be fair (immediately previous comments excepted) there are a couple of the fruit Pop-Tarts that are just barely passable as an edible entity that I can get through without too much fuss. This isn't one of them. Of the three here, it's the one that didn't make me want to decide to live solely on plain oatmeal, but there's a tartness to it that I didn't find appealing. I haven't had a Jolly Rancher candy since I was kid, and have no recall of their flavor, so maybe this tartness is in fact a component to the candy they were able to get into the tart. If so, good for them. For me, this tastes like a lemon/cherry Pop-Tart which leans too heavily on the lemon. Maybe that sounds good to others, and were it a real pastry I'd probably like it, but in Pop-Tart form,  I'll pass.   -Strawberry Nut M&M's! A tasty little devil, with flavor profiles in perfect proportion. Unlike some of the specific seasonal fare M&M tries, this one seems like someone actually worked at getting the balance right. If you like peanut M&m's and you like strawberry flavoring, this is a good match. The only complaint is I felt more than a handful was too much with this one. This is a snack best done in small doses, so a bag may last you a little while. -Krispy Kreme Glazed Birthday Cake Mini Crullers! Well, I can't say these don't taste like a birthday cake. The problem is they taste very much like a stale sheet cake one would get at the not so great grocery store you never really go to, but it's on the way to work and you have to bring something for the office party and you just don't have time for anything else. -Twizzlers Key Lime Pie twists! They do taste like a key lime pie, surprisingly enough. However, the gummy/chewy aspect of these make them a bit gross somehow. It's just not right. Softer than a normal Twizzler, it's like having a glob of melting putty in your mouth. I give them credit for getting the flavor right, but a solid pass for the experience as a whole. -Twizzlers Orange Cream twists! These taste like orange medicine. Do not like. Don't want. Moving on. Nope. No moving on. That's a wrap! I've said all I can say and my brain is on full sugar crash mode and barely functioning. Seems I forgot the obligatory sexist comment about some female celebrity, though. Hmm. Um. Tonks (Natalia Tena) from the Harry Potter movies can Hufflepuff my Slytherin anytime. Good enough? Way too much? Eh. I'm going to bed.

[the-grumpy-panda]

Call The Landlord... There's A Goomba Afoot!

A fun (arguably speaking) mix of sweet and salty, moist and crunchy this time around! I'm still only about half way through all of the junk aligned on my counter top. Lots of crackers and chips and frozen treats and doughnuts to be reviewed at some point. My intent was to go sweet first, then savory/crunchy, but as it turns out, I care not about formulated decisions, and merely pounce onto whatever strikes my fancy when I feel like a snack. So dive in with me as we discuss... My dormant plumbing skills! Who knew? My Kitchen Sink Basket (it's a thing!) was old, faulty and leaking. I replaced it! I did it! It was rather simple, really, so don't call me for a real plumbing emergency, but for a guy who rents his abodes for the express purpose of never having to fix anything he didn't personally break, I'm quite pleased with myself that I decided to just be proactive this time. As a reward, I ate... -Firework Oreos! With popping candy! Well, if you're going to keep upping the ante on junk foods, this is certainly one way to do it. First off, no matter how you eat this, it will end up tasting of a regular Oreo, so if there's any fear about trying this one, fear not. In order to obtain the effect of the popping candy, it's best to just eat the cream on its own. It takes a small amount of time for the cream to give way, but the finishing notes are the fizz and pop you're looking for, and that's it. No other flavoring at play, and the fizz/pop is quite weak. If you put a whole cookie in your mouth and let it dissolve into a sludge consistency, the pop and fizz will show up at the very end after you've swallowed and if there happens to be some candy left on your tongue. Obviously, the cream and cookie parts get in the way of what the candy is supposed to do. Your level of enjoyment will depend on how much effort you want to put into it. I wouldn't say this one is a dud, as ultimately you're eating an Oreo, but it's certainly not as fun as one would hope. -Mountain Dew Spiked Lemonade from Taco Bell! I'm throwing this in here because of how yummy I found it to be. Grown men say yummy. Shut your mouth. I didn't know this was a thing until someone handed me one. If this were a permanent Dew flavor for mass market sale I'd probably keep a case on hand during the summer months. The Taco Bell website tells me it's a Dew lemonade spiked with Prickly Pear juice. It's lovely, and has a wonderfully tickling carbonation level. Grown men also say wonderfully tickling. Shut your mouth double. I had the soda version, but it also comes in a Slurpee like version. ***Quick addendum. I've just learned that this Dew lemonade, along with a raspberry version are available in singular, 16 ounce cans. Be on the look out! -Little Debbie Red, White and Blueberry Creme Rolls! It took me a moment to pin point exactly what the smell and flavor of these reminded me of. Then days after trying it, it finally dawned on me out of nowhere. The taste of the cream is very reminiscent of blueberry yogurt. Make what you will of the fact that part of my days were spent pondering a snack cake. Yogurt in a cake roll, though? Does it work? Yeah, it's alright. It's a cream consistency, though. I don't want anyone to think it's as runny as yogurt. The blueberry is a bit too artificial tasting, and it's not the best Little Debbie has offered, but as a weird little attempt to have a new item to offer, it's worth a purchase to try. This is a very solid item, too. It's thick, bulky, and surprisingly dense. One roll will definitely do ya. -Little Debbie Maple Buns! Whoa... quite an aroma to this one. Upon opening it your face is smacked with a cloud of cheap syrup smell. Taste wise, it's essentially a honey bun dipped in some cheap syrup, so exactly as promised. Your level of enjoyment will vary factoring in your appreciation of honey buns and cheap syrup. I wouldn't make this my go to choice, but if all else failed, I'd have no problem eating one again. -Little Debbie Peanut Clusters! A salted caramel and peanut cookie, covered in chocolate and halved peanut pieces. A nice sized cookie. A very dry treat, all things considered, but the cookie part maintains a pleasant crunch even though it's topped with caramel and chocolate. I won't dare scan the ingredients to see how many chemicals make this possible. I think this would be better if it were a caramel and peanut butter layering on the cookie covered in chocolate, but it still serves it's purpose, and I do find the crunch of the cookie satisfying. -Marshmallow Fruity Pebbles cereal! I have no clue how new or old these are. I had never seen them on shelves before, so it's a new product to me. Not much to say about them, really. It's Fruity Pebbles with essentially Lucky Charms marshmallows tossed in. I liked it, but I do think I prefer my Fruity Pebbles without accompaniment. What can/should be discussed is the marshmallow shapes... and what they actually look like. The Sharkasaurus looks exactly like a dolphin. Which when broken down, is actually a bit impressive. The Starfish... well, alright. It looks like a star, hard to muck that one up. The Giant Clam looks like a UFO or a kid wearing a helmet. You decide! The Jellyfish looks like a flower. The Shark's Tooth looks like a piece of broken off marshmallow dropped on the floor and found two weeks later. The Turtle looks like... I don't know, but distinctly not a turtle. And what this grouping of "shapes" has to do with Fruity Pebbles is beyond me. -Thomas' Banana and Chocolate Chip bagels! What type of tomfoolery is this? There is no banana taste, there is no chocolate chip taste, even when I decidedly take a bite that has chips in it! None of what's supposed to be here comes through in the flavor profile whatsoever. This tastes merely of a plain bagel. So much so, that I double checked the label, and inspected each of the bagels in the bag. All the same, all festooned with chips... but with NO FLAVOR! Luckily enough, I like any kind of bagel, so it's not a loss. All things being what they are, if a bagel complaint is the roughest my day gets, I should keep my fool mouth shut and enjoy this cushy existence. -Utz Sweet Corn potato chips! No weird or obnoxious smell upon opening the bag, just a normal chip smell. No corn flavor is really apparent either. They almost taste like a regular chip, but there is some sort of dusty coating to them that comes into play. I imagine this is supposed to be the sweet corn flavoring, but it just simply doesn't come across at all. We're left with a chip with a weird coating that neither adds or detracts from the chip. So... just buy a bag of regular Utz. This is just simply a dud, which makes me feel a bit bad, as it's not a failure that is revolting, it's just... a chip that inflated its resume and got caught. Tsk tsk. -Wise Grilled Cheeseburger potato chips! Smell of those microwaved one dollar burgers you can find in the frozen food section, which simply can't be anything but processed chemicals, right? Taste like a chip dipped in a weird sauce made of cheap ketchup and leftover burger grease. To my surprise, though, I found them to be okay. Not to the point where I'd eat a whole big bag, and there's something a little cheap about these, but they luckily weren't as disgusting as a chip that tastes like greasy ketchup could have been.   -Wise Korean Barbecue potato chips! Pretty big smell of old fast food restaurant ketchup wafting out of this bag. Taste wise, they merely taste like a salt and pepper potato chip, and if you try real hard you can sort of taste a wee bit of onion as well. Mix up at the factory, Wise? A little disappointed there's not something weirder to rave on about. Although I think I've learned I'm not a big fan of Wise potatoes. I think it's safe to assume most potato chips are made relatively the same, but there's something a little off about the Wise brand. Maybe its the kind of oil they use, maybe the soil their potatoes are grown in is a little more acrid (or whatever, I don't know agriculture, my junk food grows right on the grocery store shelf all packaged up as far as I know) but their chips just come across as weak and cheap. Still perfectly edible, of course, but not a brand I'll ever make my first choice. -Hostess White Fudge Ding Dongs! Sooo many puns and innuendos waiting to be made. I'll keep it classy, however. I don't know what all makes up the white fudge Hostess uses, but I think I'm a fan. The other treat utilizing the coating was a white fudge and marshmallow Twinkie, which was delicious. This Ding Dong is also quite tasty and very moist. It consists of a yellow cake mixture, whereas a normal Ding Dong is a chocolate cake. Maybe therein lies the secret to its tastiness. Come on now, Hostess, how long will I have to wait before you give me a regular, chocolate Ding Dong with a white fudge coating??? Oh me, oh my but that sounded salacious as hell. Why do I now want a wearing nothing but an apron Daisy Ridley to mix me up some cupcakes while I, uh, "watch?" -Let's end this one how it began... with cookies. Always cookies. Cookies and soda, the undeniable crutches that keep me teddy bear soft. But that also makes me cuddly. Come on, Daisy, put away the cupcakes and cuddle me. Wait... bring the cupcakes with you and cuddle me. What was I thinking? Anyway, we now have Waffle And Syrup Oreos! Hmm. These are actually quite tasty, although I don't think I could pin point waffles and syrup if pressed. They smell and taste a lot like the Cinnamon Bun Oreo. Or maybe even a little like the Gingberbread Oreo. Hmm. (two Hmmm's in one paragraph. These are a thinker!) I'm going to go with my first instinct and say these are right on par with the cinnamon bun one. So they're good, but not the flavor we were promised. Which sums up my life! Thus concludes another adventure-less adventure. Time now for a nap and a cuddle. Come on then, me, you lovable oaf.

[the-grumpy-panda]

Existential Eats!

Junk food adventure time! Why is all this so never ending? Every time I say to myself "That's it. No more wasting money and time on junk food. Be an adult, sir!" I get wind of some other fancy concoction that propels me into madness until my sickly little fingers shove one down my gaping maw. Then I look for said product... and ultimately return with twenty items. Pretty soon I'll just be mainlining high fructose corn syrup. But maybe Nabisco will sponsor the bill if I assure the world I'm as healthy as I've ever been. Some of these are limited editions, to the point where one proudly proclaims "For Six Weeks Only!" directly on the packaging. By the time anyone reads this, all these things may be long gone, never to return. But I tried them. So my life is better than yours. Right? *sigh* Let's begin with the highest of high notes... -Little Debbie Orange Creme Cakes! Years ago Little Debbie made Orange and Strawberry cupcakes. They were everything life should be when life doesn't make sense. Then they were both discontinued, and the world grew so dank, not even tiger cubs could make me smile. Then, the people at Little Debbie realized they had made the world not as bright and shiny, and decided to make a small rectification. Which brings us to the release of Orange Creme Cakes, which I am ecstatic to say are exactly like the orange cupcakes (as I remember them anyway) just in a different shape. Today, as I stare into the boring abyss that is adulthood, it's a little better with this cake slathering my lips. Buying out the stock may not be enough. Gimme more. Now let's see what's left on the Counter of Consumerist Consumption trying to replicate the sheer joy of what came before. Foolish treats... Bwahahahaha... -Caramel M&M's! As far as I know these are a product that are here to stay. Which makes their mediocrity all the more disappointing. They're not disgusting or anything, they're just... tame. The coating and chocolate shell are all normal and in place, but the caramel is just kind of there. The flavor doesn't pop, it's not as sweet as it should be/one would expect and if you pop a bunch in your mouth at once (because why wouldn't you?) by the time it's all been mashed and meshed together, it's just a spot of tasteless adhesive rolling around your gums. This candy needs more candy. I don't think I'd buy these again actually, which makes me wonder if it's an addition to the M&M roster that will last long. -Krispy Kreme Banana Mini Crullers! Pretty muted flavor, but still discernible. It's alright, but for some reason I wanted a HUGE banana flavor. This kind of just tastes like a regular cruller that maybe you put a thin slice of a nearly ready to be tossed out banana on. They were alright, all things considered, but pretty forgettable. -Krispy Kreme Glazed Banana Kreme Pie. Oh how it pains me to have to write Kreme. Will this be the banana explosion I was hoping for in the mini crullers? Sort of. Definitely a generous portion of cream inside, the crust and glaze are adequate enough. This thing only costs a dollar, so I wasn't expecting a life changing crust concoction. Unfortunately the banana flavoring is more like an instant pudding flavoring, by which I mean overly artificial. But again, for a buck, and for an attempt at something different, it gets a pass. I'd probably try one again down the road at a point where I couldn't remember if I've had one or not. Which these days, could mean tomorrow. -Krispy Kreme Strawberry Juniors. They look just like (to me at least) a mini cruller, but apparently there's supposed to be some distinction between a "junior" and a "mini cruller." Any Krispy Kreme enthusiasts out there who can explain the difference to me? Or am I making things up in my mind because I'm too lazy to look at the products again to see if/notice if there is a difference? Hmm. Let's take a vote. Did I just ramble about doughnut shapes? Ummm... I'm supposed to mention what they taste like and offer an opinion. So. Like the banana ones, a very low flavor profile on the strawberry. There. Done. Now let's get back to this whole Junior/Cruller thing. And watch Krull while we do it. Because... because. Yeah. -Hostess Carrot Cake Donettes. A very dense little concoction here. Not sure a lot of carrot cake flavor came through for me. It mostly tasted like an over cooked mass of dough covered in coconut. All I could taste was coconut. I don't know if this is a win or a fail. I was sad I didn't have a carrot cake doughnut, but I still ultimately ate the whole bag. Over a three day span, that is. So I didn't hate it. -Thomas' Bacon Buttermilk Pancake English Muffins. I taste no bacon or pancake going on here. It tastes like a regular English muffin with a dab of honey. If you're going to promise me a bacon and pancake English muffin, I want the damn thing to reek of a combined slaughterhouse and bakery shop.  Even if it ultimately tastes ass-gross, I want the promised flavors to BE there. I'm mad at this one. Lies. Broken promises. Regret. No returned calls. I thought we had a sweet thing going, Thomas'. Let's see if ice cream can soothe my sad, little heart. -Hostess Ding Dongs ice cream treats! The wrapping looks like the wrapping to a toilet bowl cleaner. Tastes like a frozen Ding Dong crossed with a Klondike bar. It should be delicious, then, right? Eh... not so much. It's not that its bad, it's just nothing great. The cake part kind of tastes old and is a bit powdery, and the more bites I take the more I'm noticing the ice cream tastes really, really cheap as well. Hmm. These kind of suck. I'm sorry I brought Klondike into this. Ignore that part. Klondike is still great. Hostess Ding Dong ice cream treats are a dud. Not even saying "Pass me a cold ding dong." helps. I lied. Saying anything with the words 'ding dongs' grouped together is always amusing. I swear I'm an adult. Technically. -Hostess Sno-Balls ice cream treats! Cheap chocolate and vanilla ice cream covered in some sort of coconut concoction. I'm not even a "once a year" casual fan of regular Sno-Balls, and these ice cream versions are equally disappointing. I can deal with the cheap ice cream, but whatever they're using as a coconut coating here is gross. I like coconut, but this is NOT coconut. I've never had them, but it felt like I was eating dried ants. To be fair, I went into this one assuming they would suck. Sometimes (albeit extremely rarely) I should just listen to my instinct and avoid certain snacks. -Hostess Twinkie ice cream treats! The clear winner out of the Hostess attempt to infiltrate the novelty ice cream market. A very sweet cake like topping gives way to a basic vanilla ice cream and waffle cone treat. It's the topping that makes this treat appealing and elevates it, so it's sad to say there is also very little topping in place. One happy bite that makes you think "Hey, this won't be bad at all!" but then it's gone and you're left realizing you've been tricked again and sad. But not sad enough to throw the rest away. You'll eat the rest, all the while thinking back fondly on that first bite, back when things were grand and life was full of promise. Damn, Twinkies ice cream treat. You're so complex. Oof. Time to lubricate the gullet here. What's this here, then? DEW-S.A.? A Mountain Dew concoction combining the Code Red, Whiteout and Voltage flavors into one! I'm not the least bit engaged by the patriotism angle, so let's just open this can and get after what I'm really here for... liquid sugar! Hmm. I'm not sure what the Whiteout flavor is supposed to be, but the cherry of Code Red and the berry of Voltage are blatantly at play here the most. Neither are wholly distinctive, however, so they merge into a whole new type of synthetic fruit/berry. The color of this soda is a light pink of sorts. I actually like the color, for some inexplicable reason. Flavor wise, it's simply alright. The main problem is that the whole thing tastes like it's a bit flat, like you'd left the open can on the counter for an hour. I suppose if you love Mountain Dew, give this one a try just for fun. I wouldn't spring for a whole twelve pack, so maybe try to find the 20 oz. bottle. If you don't like soda or are indifferent to Mountain Dew, you can skip this. -Let's cut back on the sugar a bit and trick the stomach with some Poppin' Jalapeno Doritos! Not too hot/spicy, which is just fine by me. Not bad, but not all that memorable either. Didn't hate them, but don't think I'd seek them out again. So, back to sugar. -Chocolate Cake Twinkies! Just as I suspected. These are simply an oblong Suzy-Q. Hostess suckered me out of a few bucks. Just like a Suzy-Q, these are dry, the cream seems nonexistent, and my mouth is sad I made it waste valuable mastication energy on such a sub par treat. I'm sorry, mouth. And on that sad, forlornful (I can make up words, shut up) note I feel this treatise on treats should come to an end. There are still some snacks left on the counter, but my shallow breathing insists I give this rest for a minute. So until next time, assuming I make it to another sun up, I have been The Grumpy Panda, and you have been the poor sod who read this whole thing. Sucker.

[the-grumpy-panda]

Can You Feel The Love!?!

Or more accurately, can you feel the heavy breathing and heart palpitations? It's junk food time! For Valentine's! In January! Or July! I don't know when I'll finish writing this damn thing. I have no deadlines. Oh, look, a Godzilla movie on TV! Oh, crap. It's a Mothra one. Guess I'll keep writing. **Non professional edit... I started this thing somewhere in the middle of January. I am ending it on February 25th. Oh. I also finished the Godzilla movie anyway. Then watched two more. You're envious. I know.** I (as of now) haven't been able to procure all the different Valentine's confections that Hostess saw fit to throw out this year, but I stumbled across a couple. **Non professional edit no. 2... This whole thing began as a simple write up on a couple of Hostess products. It quickly became not that. Someone will have to start paying me if you want me follow a genuine thread. Suck it.** This isn't even a Valentine's exclusive write up, to be honest. Unless you consider Cap'n Crunch foreplay. In that case... we should meet. Is it just my Eastern location that has a hard time even finding the most basic Hostess product? They may as well still be out of business as hard as it is sometimes to find them. Oh, well. This write up isn't Hostess exclusive anyway. I would have liked for it to be, but I refuse to hunt down junk food. I'll eat it no problem, and go back for seconds, but I hate searching for it. It comes to me or fades into myth, no in between. Let's start simple enough: 1. Cherry M&M's. These aren't new, but they are a most welcome return. Absolutely delicious. Buy them. Eat them. Buy more. Hoard them. Exalt them as possibly the best M&M, and I only say possibly because the Peanut M&M still remains a most delicious candy, and I have been known on occasion to have an insane craving for the Peanut Butter M&M, but neither make me wide eyed and slack jawed like seeing the Cherry ones back on shelves. And don't feel sad regular/original M&M. You're still a solid winner, too. 2. Red Velvet (Lies! It's still chocolate!) Kit-Kats. Surprisingly these are pretty tasty, and for once a white chocolate (you double liar!) based candy didn't merely taste like nothing but white chocolate. I can't really say what these actually tasted like, though. Since red velvet is just diluted chocolate and white chocolate is just sugar that's trying to be fancy, you'd think it would just taste of a stale Kit-Kat... but there was something at play here. Maybe they tried to sneak in some kind of cream cheese flavoring to the coating. Hmm. Kit-Kats are getting mighty wily these days. 3. Strawberry Twinkies. Not too bad as far as Twinkies go. You almost don't realize it's something different, but then you notice the pink filling and your taste buds go "Oh, yeah... now I get it." Worth a try if you see 'em out in the wild. 4. Chocolate and Strawberry Oreos. Not the best Oreo, but alright enough. The combo seems like a sure winner, but something got lost from idea to product. Something like... taste. This is a very muted Oreo, and because so, it loses the fun appeal of getting yet another limited edition Oreo. 5. Blueberry Pancake Cap'n Crunch. Pellets like the Peanut Butter Crunch. Not as mouth destroying as Cap'n Crunch is purported to be. There is Something off about the taste, though. Like they're old. The smell is okay and pleasant enough, though. Not bad to try as a quick one off, with a bit of fine tuning, they could have actually made a pretty decent Cap'n addition. 6. Hostess Frosted Strawberry Donettes. Not too bad, these. A simple strawberry doughnut with chocolate frosting. To the point and they work. 7. Hostess Dark Chocolate and Raspberry Cupcakes. They smell exactly like what the name implies. These kind of don't work for me overall, though. There's nothing overtly horrible about them, it's just the dark chocolate frosting isn't all that great, the cupcake portion is a wee bit dry and the raspberry filling gets overpowered by the dark chocolate frosting. Another one where the idea is better than the product. 8. Girl Scouts Thin Mints cereal. Fantastic! If you like crusty toothpaste. Amazing! If you want to be sad all morning. Why is this even a thing? I'm already mad at the Girl Scouts for simply repackaging Keebler cookies and then trying to charge me three times as much, so this shi*ty cereal isn't winning any brownie (ha!) points. 9. Girl Scouts Caramel Crunch cereal. These look like overcooked calamari. They taste like burnt sugar. And why are the bags for these Girl Scouts cookies sealed with industrial glue? I think I ripped a tendon trying to get the damn things open. A complete miss all across for the Girl Scouts attempt at cereals. Tsk tsk Girl Scouts. I'll be staying in the Pawnee Rangers, thank you. Unless... do you have candy?? 10. Hershey Cupcake Kisses. I passed these up when I first saw them because when I saw the name and bag, I assumed they were Kisses simply wrapped in a cupcake looking wrapper, like when they make the foil look like a Santa hat at Christmas. Nope. It's a whole new flavor, but your enjoyment may depend on how much you like or dislike white chocolate. (Stop insisting you need to be a part of holiday junk foods, white chocolate!) I found these okay enough, but after a couple I was ready to move on. They smell like frosting, and the crunchy cookie bits give them a satisfying heft and bite. I probably wouldn't buy them again, though. 11. Valentine's Dots candy. Cherry, Passion Fruit and Vanilla Gumdrops. The addition of a little disc of vanilla gelatin to the bottom of a Dot is not an improvement. The combo ends up tasting slightly medicinal somehow. Just a cherry or a passion fruit Dot would have been fine on their own. I'll still give it a pass, though, as I like Dots and even this poor combo is far less medicinal than a nasty Swedish Fish. 12. Vanilla Creme Peeps. Neither a winner nor a loser. If you enjoy Peeps, a touch of vanilla flavoring won't hurt your chances of enjoying these, too. If Peeps aren't your thing, this isn't the version to sway you. In fact, I'm going to use this simple opinion as an across the board review for all the Peeps I tried over the past month. So grouped in this will also be the Raspberry Peep, the Strawberry Peep, and the Cherry Lime-Ade Peep. Only the Cherry Lime-Ade Peep almost made an impression. The coating was appealing, but once that melts away, you're still left with a regular Peep. There were also two "filled" Peeps varieties. A Vanilla Caramel Brownie Peep and a Triple Chocolate Peep. The VCB one was just a mess of bad ideas that felt like a prank gone wrong in my mouth, and the TC one was just sad. I think the chocolate was sifted through a rusty urinal and unfortunately, the Peep portion was still a Peep. 13. Vanilla Latte Pop-Tarts. Smell a bit like coffee left on the burner just a bit too long. Tastes like a vanilla Pop-Tart that was overcooked, even when it's not toasted. 14. Chocolate Mocha Pop-Tarts. Again with the slightly burnt coffee smell. Tastes like a chocolate pop tart someone rubbed coffee grounds on. Moving on. 15. Hot Cocoa Chips Ahoy. Not sure when these came out or how "new" they may be. I just stumbled upon them accidentally with no prior warning of their existence. Chips Ahoy are the Pop Tarts of the cookie world to me. I don't like any of them, but I try all of them. These taste like a congealed dollar store brand of hot chocolate mix that someone put a Lucky Charms marshmallow in. But slightly worse. Rumor has it Hot Cocoa Oreos will be out in October of 2017. They better be better. I just decided my mid 90's hip hop group is called Better Be Better. We had two hit singles from our debut but our second album failed due to the rise of harder edged rap taking over the sound spectrum. Despite an attempt to remain relevant with our third album "Tryin' 2 ReMane Relavent" and it's lead single "Meye Momz Biggur Den Yur Dadz" we were done as a group by '97. What am I writing about here? 16. Keebler Chocolate Chip Cereal. A total dud. Like the worst foreign based knock off Cocoa Puffs that you dumped the worst dollar store cookie crumbs into. Not even fun as a one time novelty try. Boo.   17. White Cheesecake M&M's. Exactly what I suspected. Basically just a white chocolate piece of candy with the slightest hint of what you convince yourself must be cheesecake flavoring because it's written on the bag that comes through only at the very end of swallowing the whole mess. Another dud in M&M's line of attempts at flavors with white chocolate as the base. Same goes for the Vanilla Cupcake M&M's. I'm starting a petition to ban white chocolate in candy. 18. Peeps Oreos! Oof. I'm convinced this started as a joke, but then the company just laughed and said "Challenge accepted, you puny fools." Not the huge "F*ck you! We did because we can!" that the Swedish Fish Oreos were, but still a tiny shock to see on shelves. When all is said and done, they don't really taste all that different from the regular Golden Oreos. If you try real hard you can sort of suss out a grainy bit of cream that seems close to the outer Peeps texture, but if you're just eating one absent minded like, there's no real kookiness at play. Which is a bit sad, really. If you're going to get in bed with Peeps, make it mean something. Shock me. Leave me breathless and amazed. HA! And I thought this wouldn't be Valentine's like at all. See yourself out.

[the-grumpy-panda]

I Think We've Got Some *Food* Trouble.

It's been quite an adventuresome couple of weeks plowing through all these seasonal snacks. It was downright chaotic, really,  with what became of my counter top. I do indeed count my favors that this was the worst of my struggles this month. What could possibly be left? Does the universe need yet another blithering idiot spouting opinions no one inquired on? Apparently I think so. So come on you raggedy men and women, bust a deal and face the wheel with me. Let's begin with three Hostess products. -Pumpkin Spice Twinkie! Not all that interesting to me given just how much pumpkin crud is available and my general non-committal opinion to Twinkies in general. I was looking for the Orange S'cream Twinkies, but had to settle for these. I wish I hadn't. I don't like these. You can taste the pumpkin spice additives, but it just doesn't work with the Twinkie cake itself. I have nothing else to add about these. Or rather, I don't want to bother trying to explain how they suck. They just do. -Things didn't bode well for the Pumpkin Spice Cupcake after the Twinkie, but this one is certainly the better of the two. Like other pumpkin spice things I've tried, this one tastes more like a gingerbread or simple spiced cake than it does a pumpkin spice. I don't think I would go back for seconds on these or even seek them out again, but it was alright to try once. -The final Hostess offering (insert ritual sacrifice jokes here...) is their Caramel Apple cupcake. This one smells like a hard apple cider, or a rum cake even. Unfortunately, it does indeed taste like an old cupcake that was left out that someone spilled vodka on and then you ate it because you were too drunk to care. I don't like this and nearly drank an entire can of Cherry Coke in one swig to wash the taste out of my mouth. Let's briskly move on. -I was all set to write Brach's off after some truly insulting seasonal fare, but then rolled along with their last chance to sway me Pumpkin Pie Almonds. These are pretty good, although I can't say for sure what they're coated with. Yogurt? White chocolate? While they don't exactly remind me of pumpkin pie, they are better than other pumpkin spice nuts on the market, probably because they're purposely veering towards a slightly sweeter bend. They're not overly sweet, however, and the final notes fully remind you there is in fact an almond at the heart of all this. Which makes it a healthy snack, right? Good effort here. -Chocolate Frosted Flakes With Skeleton Marshmallows. Eat these quickly, and they taste quite similar to Cocoa Pebbles. Let them sit for a minute or two, then you're simply eating Frosted Flakes in chocolate milk. The choice is yours! The kicker, of course, is the fun skeleton marshmallows tossed in so you can create your own witch swamp scenario where the bodies of past victims are rising from the murky depths. Tony the Tiger approves of your wicked machinations! I knew he was a creep. Froot Loops and Apple Jacks also have a skeleton marshmallow version out now, but I left them on the shelf as they were simply the regular cereal with marshmallows. Frosted Flakes at least dressed up for the party. -Sticking with cereal for a minute, how did Pumpkin Spice Life do? It's not bad, it's not great. It's very "Oh. Everyone is doing pumpkin spice. I guess we should half attempt one too. Um... here it is. Enjoy, I guess." Yep. -Caramel Apple Milky Way candy bars. The perfect amount of apple flavoring compliments a Milky Wat in a way I was unprepared for. I wasn't expecting to like this one much, but it's pretty good. It hasn't become my favorite candy bar or anything, and I won't miss it once the season is over, but it was a nice addition to the fray. -Pecan Pie M&M's. These may have been released before, but this is my first experience with them. They smell and taste like nothing more than a dark chocolate M&M to me. Which is fine, but as something that isn't supposed to be anything near that, it's a bit of a confusing failure. Are my taste buds to blame? I don't know, but these have bored me. Candy should be fun, or else what am I doing with my life, exactly? Great. On top of sub par junk food I get an existential crisis. F*ck you Pecan Pie M&M's. -Ben and Jerry's Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream. I am a genuine fan of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I routinely peruse their selection while grocery shopping to see if any new or interesting concoctions are out, and quite often have at least a pint of Chunky Monkey, Chubby Hubby, Cherry Garcia and/or Everything But The... in the freezer. Those are my stock favorites, but I enjoy venturing outside those zones just as much. It wasn't even a second thought to buy their Pumpkin Cheesecake one when I saw it. Is it a winner? Are B & J still doing great work? Eh... not quite. To be direct about this, this ice cream simply tastes like canned pumpkin pie filling that was chilled. Not really impressive or exciting, unfortunately. -Pumpkin Oatmeal Creme Pies. These are specific to the grocery store I typically shop at. (Never you mind which one, Detective Nosy-Face... stop stalking me.) Not as good (presumably) as if Little Debbie had attempted this, but it's alright. I can't decipher if the pumpkin spice flavor comes from the cream or the oatmeal cookie. Both seem to have something going on. Seeing as how the cream is a very off off white color, though, I'm going to guess the cream has the majority of the flavoring. Speaking of the cream, this would be twice as good with twice as much cream. They went skimpy. A fine, cheap substitute if you absolutely have to have something pumpkin spiced and the world somehow turned into an apocalyptic wasteland and this was all that was left on the shelf. Why is there always one or two items left on shelves in end of modern society movies? Wouldn't the first few people who are scavenging just take everything they could, leaving nothing? Makes sense, right? Pbbt. Stupid movies. Or maybe they were just there for the gasoline. Hmm. And there you have it! Direct links between pumpkin spice and the end of civilization. Do not, my friends, become addicted to pumpkin spice. It will take hold of you, and you will resent its absence! Say what now?

[the-grumpy-panda]

Orange and Green Tint My World!

I didn't realize when I first began writing this one, but this is less about sweet junk foods all sugared and food colored up than it is about Fall themed snacks that bend more towards an adult palate, for lack of a better phrase. So come with me, babies. Just take a jump to the left, a step to the right and let's warp into some eats! Take a bite! -Up first is Werther's Caramel Apple Soft Caramels. First, these are TOO soft. It's a very chewy caramel that sticks to any crevice inside of your mouth that it can. Luckily, the taste is actually pretty good so some may not mind having extra bits to root around for. The apple isn't as tart or forefront as a lot of caramel apple snacks make it. It's there, but in what seems to be a very carefully thought out and scrutinized portion. This allows the caramel to still do its proper job. Werther's especially should know better than to not have a caramel treat where the caramel is an afterthought. For me, these really could have gone either way, so I'm happy to report it's a good piece of candy. The flavor is good, but not in an addicting manner, so there's no fear (combining the overly chewiness in as well) of anyone plowing through a whole bag in one go. These can safely rest in a bowl for guests to pick from if they like. If you do such things. Which I don't. So get away from my candy, you buzzards. -Nestle Tollhouse Limited Edition Harvest Apple cookies. I'm already on a precarious line with caramel apple flavored things. I like apples just fine, but I really only like apples to be apples. Candy is slightly different, I suppose one could argue, because most flavorings are wholly artificial. Apples baked into things generally turn me off. I don't know what it is, but there's something about taking an apple and mixing it with sugar and (usually) cinnamon and then baking it into something that I simply don't like. Seeing these cookies in the grocery gave me a moment of pause, but I went ahead and decided to see if this seasonal offering might be something worthwhile. Baked apple goods don't make me nauseous or anything, they're just not my thing, but obviously I'm willing to try apple things to see of anything breaks the cycle. How did these cookies do, then? They certainly made the kitchen smell like apple pie. I'm sure some would love that, and it's by no means a bad smell. For me it's just a reminder I don't like baked apple goods, as opposed to something that gets my taste buds going. The cookies reminded me of an apple cobbler, actually. They are perfectly fine, truth be told, and I can see others simply thinking they're great. Not liking baked apple goods, these sadly haven't swayed me. These just aren't for me. -Archer Farms Pumpkin Corn Tortilla Chips. A total dud and a bit of a rip off if I'm going to be completely honest. These are just a regular corn chip! Sure, the second to last ingredient is "Dried Pumpkin Powder" but I say its a scam. If there was ever any powder on these it fell to the factory floor either right after production or the bottom of this bag will be two inches of powdery dust. Peering down, I can see this isn't the case. Maybe (and it's the theory I'm going with) they just made the bag to trick people and filled it with their regular chips. Save your money, or buy whatever brand of tortilla chips is your favorite. These are a blatant lie and not worth a second look. Shame at you Archer Farms! -Archer Farms Caramel Apple Caramel Corn. WHAT?! Would Archer farms dare try trick us again? Things are not looking good here as upon opening the bag I'm greeted by a smell that can only be described as bad street seafood.  Certainly not something you ever want to smell, especially when what's in front of you is a bag of caramel corn. How does that happen? Of note, though, is the presence of actual tiny slices of apple adhered to a good portion of the pieces of popcorn. As well as apple bits tossed about that came unstuck. I'll give them credit for trying this, as opposed to just some fake apple coating of sorts. But how does it taste? Not bad, actually, which makes the smell all the more confusing. Unfortunately for me, seeing as how cinnamon is also an ingredient, these fall just enough into the "baked apple pie taste" category of things I'm not partial to. As far as caramel corn goes, a caramel apple version was probably long overdue. I would say this is worth a shot for anyone curious. Just try not to breathe too deeply when opening the bag. -May as well keep the current trend going. Here we have Archer Farms Pumpkin Spice Pretzels. Yep, pretzels coated in white fudge and pumpkin spices. Has anyone concretely figured out what exactly "pumpkin spice" entails? Cinnamon? Nutmeg? Both? Neither? My taste buds always lean towards cinnamon when trying to guess this out. I should maybe try some nutmeg on its own to see if that is the spicy spice I taste when dealing with "pumpkin spices." These aren't bad, but they definitely lean into the spices aspect pretty hard. If you like your dipped pretzels on the sweeter side, these may disappoint you. I generally like the sweeter ones myself, but for a quick change up, these work alright. These are best in small doses, though. The spice really does begin to take over after eating a few. Having said that, I can now imagine two or three of these going quite well with a cup of cider on a very cold evening. -Only two more Archer Farms products to go! First is their Pumpkin Spice Glazed Pecans. Less a glaze and more of a pecan rolled around in some powders and spices. Even though sugar is the second ingredient, you'd never know it. These are very dry and are really in need of a sweet note. Luckily, they're not as spicy as the previous pretzels. Considering how much dusty product is on the pecans, it's a mystery how this happened. With only a very faint aftertaste of something other than the pecan itself, these end up as a dull and tasteless snack. -Last round of Archer Farms! They've been mostly striking out, so is there any hope for the Pumpkin Spice Almonds With White Chocolate Coating? Well, it starts off promising. The bag does smell very close to pumpkin pie. Unfortunately, all the promise ends there. All three components here, the almonds, the white chocolate, the spices, don't mesh well together. It all just leaves a bad taste in your mouth and no desire to reach back in for more. Blah. These are all kind of bumming me out with their failure to capture any whimsy or decent tastes. Let's cap this off with two selections definitely in the sweeter spectrum, but still technically under "adult" sweets. And I don't mean penis shaped gummies. -Brach's Pumpkin Peanut Caramel Clusters. I guess it's like a turtle candy bar but with some pumpkin tossed in. Yep, that's exactly what it is. I almost regret having to report this, but these too, despite my initial hopes, kind of don't work, either. I don't know what they're using for pumpkin here, but it doesn't gel well at all with the chocolate, caramel and peanuts. At first bite it seemed harmless and like maybe it would be alright enough, but after a few solid bites and meshing everything into one mouth glob, it began to reveal its true destiny to be another notch in the waste of money belt. I have one more thing left to try. Let's just get this over with. -Ghirardelli Milk Chocolate Pumpkin Spice Caramel Squares. If the turtle cluster thing is any indication, this will also be a sad combo that never should have been tried. Here we go, then... *sigh* Again, this ALMOST worked. The spice thing kicks in at the half way through chewing moment and just takes it out of the enjoyable spectrum. Then the chocolate becomes this very gelatinous goop that is really hard work to choke down. Ugh. If this is what adult oriented treats are to be, I'm out. I'll stick with my tried and true candy bars I've been eating since I was a wee lad begging strangers to fill my pillow case with the stuff. Maybe pumpkin spice just isn't for me. Maybe those out there who like spicy chocolate would love all these things. I'm certainly no expert. I'm just a guy who now has a tummy ache that wasn't even worth the effort. I guess that brings this sad little entry to a close. Goodbye is all I have to say. I'm going home.