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Yes mother, I know I'm a gross fucking slob, I know the 5 empty cans and endless amount of empty and half empty water bottles in my room makes me disgusting and lazy. I know you've been telling me for weeks to clean it up. I TOTALLY didn't start cleaning, spend hours doing so, and actually made a lot of progress before you reminded me while I was taking a break to drink water to clean that made me lose motivation like two weeks ago. I know I'm a disappointment for my brain functioning differently than yours. I know that my depression making simple tasks for you seem like giant mountains impossible to climb for me makes me a fuck up. I'm sorry I'm not good enough, but come on. My pets are the only things keeping me alive, why is it that every time I try to explain to you why it's so difficult for me you threaten to give away my babies? Do you actually want me to kill myself? My dad died Saturday night and you're hounding me to clean up the mess that I couldn't finish cleaning today. In front of my best friend non the less making it seem like you don't remind me that often. "I remind you once a week before trash day" yeah, SOMETIMES you do, but half the time you remind me every day, you say before going to work to work on my room, to clean up the water bottles, this that the third. Fucking hell. What if I do just kill myself. Maybe then the condition of my otherwise still rather clean room that you see maybe once a week when you put something in there won't bother you so much. My pets won't be a burden on you because you'll finally be able to get rid of them like you keep threatening to and like you did with my cat when I was in the mental hospital for two weeks when I was twelve and didn't tell me before opening my door. I'm finally getting my shit together. I TRIED to clean. I aced a job interview and am likely getting it according to the manager. I FINALLY convinced you to ACTUALLY do the next step in the GED process that requires YOU to submit the application for the place we need to do it at. I've been making sure that the pets stay clean and healthy and keeping their areas clean just fine, but no, me struggling to pick up my trash on MY bed in MY room means that I'm just not trying. Right.

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So the burn is infected and has been oozing puss for the past 2 days and I finally decided to do something about it (actually wash it with soap and water and put a bandage on it) and it's burning like crazy now for some reason 😀

This was it yesterday after showering, it has since scabbed over and filled with puss again so I just washed it and added a bandage

I completely forgot that I made a tumbler acc but hello guys

Tw for cªtscrªtches and a bvrn

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*showing visible symptoms* oh my god i need help desperately

*symptoms go away for one day* what if im just faking it

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Me :>

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Here's how the bvrn's lookin now

I wish the camera picked up how swollen/inflated it actually is, it looks and feels a lot worse in person but NOOOOO camera says I'm being over dramatic

I completely forgot that I made a tumbler acc but hello guys

Tw for cªtscrªtches and a bvrn

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Tw really bad night terror about attempted kidnapping, getting physical, drugs, death ect

This morning I woke up and nearly had a panic attack, I was literally drenched in sweat like even my hair was dripping and my bed where I was sleeping was soaked. I get night terrors really often but it's only every couple of weeks that I get one of this nature and I always get really paranoid when they connect far to specifically to reality because there have been a few times where something really similar would happen shortly after. For example, my two old dogs, I started having dreams about Zeus dying or being hurt for like a month, and then we found out he had congestive heart failure, I had dreams and day dreams for like 2 months about Karma dying and it kept causing panic attacks, we found out she had cancer, I had dreams where I was throwing up half hatch bird eggs, Tinkerbell hatch, three days before she died I had dreams about her escaping and getting eaten by a hawk, I woke up to her dead, I had far more frequent dreams about my sperm donor trying to kidnap me again over the course of a month, we found out that he moved back to a place that's literally a 5 minute drive from the house that I've lived in for nearly 11 years now and was telling anyone who'll listen that my mom's gonna get what she deserves and that he's gonna get me back and he showed up right behind my mom at the store when she was picking up our meds literally breathing down her throat. So when I have dreams like this, it genuinely terrifies me.

Basically, in the dream, I showed up to my little cousin's school (who my sperm donor doesn't even know exists because they're my cousins by marriage and came into the picture after I cut him off) and he was there literally five seats down from me and for some reason getting a medal and praise from all these women about being such a great dad so I got up to leave as fast as possible. He noticed me and tried to come near me so I started shouting to get away and the women started freaking out on me for treating him poorly so I called out some of the things he did to me while trying to get away (drugging me and doing god knows what, causing the start of an eating disorder at a really young age, ECT) and literally had to push my way out. A few days later in the dream I noticed some of those women IN MY BACK YARD coming out of the woods and panicked because I was home alone since my brother was out practice driving with my mom's friend and my mom was at work. They came around front and started trying to get in, picking both the locks as I kept re-locking them and yelling at me that I'm a bad daughter and need to learn a lesson. Luckily my brother and mom's friend pulled up but the women started trying to get in the car and didn't leave till we threatened to call the police. Some time later that I can't recall, again while I was home alone, they showed up and started trying to get in, and managed to get the door open before I could stop them, my dogs ran out, and they grabbed them. I panicked and grabbed a ladder that was for some reason next to the door and smacked one of them upside the head, at which point they dropped my dogs and threatened to call the police on ME. I quickly got the dogs back inside and shut/locked the door. I can't recall what happened after but I remember telling them that we had a gun and that the next time they showed up there wouldn't be any more warnings. Again later in the dream, my mom, her friend, me, and my brother went out to this food/shop/film production/car repair??? place to get some food and my family told me to apply for a job so I did, and while walking around being interviewed, two of the women were there and trying to get to me. My brother noticed and pretended to work there to distract them and a bunch of shit went down that I can't even begin to explain but long story short we rushed home and found that they had broken in and hurt one of my dogs, Sissy, who was literally on the verge of death. I sobbed so hard in the dream and luckily managed to nurse her back to health but it was terrifying. Suddenly my sperm donor showed up at the door and before anything else happened I woke up and god I'm so scared now. We've lived here for 11 years, he knows we live here, what if he shows up and tries to get in? What if we're not home and he hurts my pets? I have therapy tomorrow so the only person that'll be home is my brother, what if something happens while I'm not here? I'm so fucking scared and I don't know what to do.

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hi! when you get this, you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)!

Uh I guess sometimes I like my hair, eyes, style, my vocabulary and I genuinely can't think of anymore positive ones so I also like most of my scars

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I completely forgot that I made a tumbler acc but hello guys

Tw for cªtscrªtches and a bvrn

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This but I know damn well I wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own so me and the mutuals are gonna have to be roommates, it's the only way

If I had my own house I would cut myself at any time of the day and just walk around the house without having to cover them.. I'd lay in bed all day doing nothing else it would be so much fun I can't wait to live alone aughh grrrtghhhvff you're all invited btw 😱

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So one of my mom's clients somehow just had an extra mini-fridge lying around, and they gave it to my mom, and since my mom and brother already have one, she let me have it so I can finally keep cold water in my room, but also like I knew her clients were rich but I didn't know they were RICH RICH, like who just has an extra mini fridge lying around? And this is the same client that had an extra TV lying around, and just like with the mini fridge, since my mom and brother already had TV's but I didn't, she let me have it (I can't even use it because it has no remote and the buttons on it are so messed up that if I try to turn up or down the volume, 8/10 of the time, it thinks I'm changing the channel, opening the TV settings, or turning it off, and more than half the time I can't even get it to turn on because of the button issues)

But with this mini fridge, I was also giving a microwave??? Idk why, but hell this microwave cooks popcorn PERFECTLY so I'm happy, I can get my waters and have a low cal snack without the temptations of the kitchen

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So here's my scars

I hate that my best ones are fading beyond recognition or have shrunken so small

My deepest one is the horizontal pink one in the second to last photo, but shrinkage killed it 😭😔

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Is this a safe space for me to trauma dump about my older brother asking me to suck his dick when I was 14 and he was 2 months away from being 18?

Tw for incest kinda

(my mom made me promise to never tell anyone about it and I've only told two people, my bestest friend and my little cousin)

Like he got help and we're good now but for a week after I stayed at my cousins house and my mom said that if I started crying to lie and tell them I was sad about my dog dying a few months before

The trauma is more about the fact that my mom forced me to keep it a secret to protect my brother and "the family," her words, but did nothing to really protect me, like yeah she got my brother therapy and made him attend a porn addicts anonymous group thing (he had become addicted to porn and found incestuous stuff that convinced him it wasn't real sex if it was oral) but I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about it, not my family, not my friends, not even my therapist, I didn't even tell my best friend who I tell EVERYTHING until a year later

She also has always denied the fact that my brother is on the autism spectrum, and insisted all of his symptoms were just his ADHD, but when he made that request, then and only then did she acknowledge he's on the spectrum, used it as an excuse, then went back to denying it a month later

Like I knew the sibling favoritism has always been there, even my brother acknowledged it, but damn, even after all the trauma my mom had caused me, I still expected some basic form of protection, like yeah she let me stay at my cousins house for a week (it was actually only 4 days) but she demanded that I come back home after my brother attended the first meeting (which he only attended the one, and although I think he should've attended more, it was enough to make him realize how bad things had gotten and even though he was about to be 18, he gave all of his devices to our mom and demanded that she childproof them, even his old phone that he hadn't powered on in over a year, so good on him)

And after that incident, I still wasn't allowed to lock my door, they had to up my dosage of my sleeping medication so that I could sleep through the night because I was terrified he was gonna just barge in

And it might seem like I was over reacting but the main reason I was scared of him barging in is because whenever he made the request, I ran to my room and locked my door then texted my mom that she needed to come home from work right that instant and he started banging on my door and messing with the handling while trying to convince me not to tell out mom

Luckily she was already pulling into the driveway when it happened and I texted her but I already had trauma that gets triggered when people bang on walls/doors because of the first time my sperm donor tried to kidnap me, so him banging on the door while I was already freaking out triggered that trauma response and I no longer felt safe in my own home, and my mom showed me that when it came down to it, I couldn't trust her to protect me

It was the summertime when it happened and my aunt would've let me stay at her house for the entire summer if I wanted because we let them live with us rent free for a year awhile ago, but my mom only granted me 4 days and decided that was enough to be fine

Like I said my brother did get help and we're good now, but this event is one of the main reasons I plan on leaving as soon as I turn 18 in a year and a half from now

This weekend I'm getting a bicycle so that I can get a job that isn't close enough for me to walk to (there are lots of places within 2 miles of our house that's hiring but my mom said no to me walking, as if biking is any safer) and you best believe that 99% of that income is gonna get saved to move out

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I just dropped my phone on my foot directly on my big toe knuckle

Shit hurteded

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how it feels after you have a big cutting session and then leave the house

also I made a meme! congratulate me for my creativity

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I don't get why people ask this and make it awkward when it's so obvious like

My little cousin convinced me to join her church youth group even though I'm not religious and they were doing slip-n-slide kick ball to celebrate the last day of mental health awareness month so I wore short sleeves since all that was on my arm was year old scars and someone gave me the most horrified look and asked extremely loudly what happened to my arm 😭 like brother we were celebrating mental health awareness and you ask about something pretty obviously having to do with mental health 😭

“what happened to your arm?” i cutted it man what do you think 😕

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Me when s3lf hâřm hurts (i will do it again):

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Intro!

I am the Lorax

Tw for sh and ed content, also a vent account

GW-100lb, UGW-85lb, HW/SW247lb, LW203lb

New to Tumblr, however I have been on shedtwt for 2 years

2008 bb, if you're under 14 please DNI!

I'm pro-recovery, DNI if anti-recovery or fatphobic!

DNI if you're just a shitty person in general (examples of shitty people: xenophobic, racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, ect)

I have no idea if I did this intro right or if I'm missing anything 🤷🏻