the-sea-calphys

[the-sea-calphys]

One of my biggest fears is being forced to be a host

[the-sea-calphys]

Dissociation isn’t a fun little game you get to play with no consequences.

Dissociation is terrifying.

It’s not knowing where you are, being around people you don’t know that say a name you don’t identify with, being extremely confused, feeling like you’re watching yourself live life and not being able to do anything about it, questioning your own existance, not a game.

[the-sea-calphys]

The Voice of Depression Rings.

I've come to realize that I have no purpose, and no goals. What I think will be my life is unrealistic and given my luck through the years, it would take a miracle to even get close to my fantasy. My dreams seem simple enough: live with my lover, get married, have lots of snake children and a cat. I thought I wanted to work with animals, and honestly I still think I do, but it's never seemed more distant than now, when I'm closer to it then I've ever been before. Each day my motivation and hope for my future drains, I have no faith in myself anymore, just the constant compulsion to have some amount of control over my life. The lines I cut into my skin are not only punishment, but a reminder that the only thing I'm in control of is my skin. I do not say me because I am not in control of myself. My mind has it's own agenda, the hated womb in my body does too, constantly making things worse. I have no control over my life, or even when to end it. The guilt keeps me here but the frustration of never feeling like my life is mine forces me to scratch, beat and cut. I wish I could keep my promises, I wish I had never started cutting, it's too addictive. The control is mind numbing, its just so therapeutic in the most toxic of ways. My dreams will never be my future, its plain to see that my future is filled with failure, alcohol, blood and crushing loneliness... the more stressed I become, the more teasing hurts, the more I'm convinced that he'll abandon me like everyone else. It's gotten to the point where the fact that we cant live together for the rest of college feels like abandonment. It's tearing me apart and with each extra stressful situation, it adds another hand to grab at me and pull my nerves apart, forcing me to be numb. I think I'll always cut, to punish, to have control, to feel something that isnt ice. Will he stay through all of this? He promised me he'd always be there for me, but I'm starting to wonder if I annoy him more than I'm worth. His teasing has started to hurt when it didnt before, and he uses that tone that means I've done something wrong more often... am I just extra stress on him? On everyone?... why do I feel like such a burden to the people I love? Am I a burden? Why am I here if I can't do anything right? Why am I here if I cant please anyone I value? Why am I here....?

[the-sea-calphys]

Pain

My head is pounding, the lights hurt, my fractured foot pulsates and every joint aches. I can feel vomit form in the back of my throat, every throb of my brain pushing it farther up my neck. I cant remember anything from earlier today other than I sanded my art project and got angry at everyone's noise. My eyes hurt and I know nothing more from today. I know how I got here but cannot remember words spoken, I cant remember any words spoken today. Theres a constant sting between the throbs in my skull, silent but crushing. The nurse isnt here today so where do I go? Where do I go if I do decide to go home? It doesnt matter because I wont.... if I speak up about all my pain I wont be believed, they'll roll their eyes at me. No one believes me. I'm in so much pain every day, and today it's worse. Today I want to rip my hair out, pull my eyes out of their sockets so that maybe I'll go numb, maybe itll be too much and my body will go into shock. I dont want to feel pain anymore. I want to hurt myself, hit myself, cut myself, put a belt around my neck and pull until I get dizzy. I get so much satisfaction from getting hurt, it pleases me, takes so much stress away... I wish my daily pain would too. But my daily pain is a different kind, persistent and aching, no sudden sting, no lingering pleasure from the fading jolt of pain. I'd rather punch myself in the head till I get dizzy and pass out. Vomit out my guts until my head is swaying in pulsating pain, fall over, black out. I want to press a blade into my skin and whimper at the sting, and sigh when the thin line is done, beading with crimson, enough to smear on my skin in beautiful streaks but not enough to leave a noticeable scar. Is there anywhere where Alexander wouldnt notice?... I cover nothing with him, he sees me, all of me... he'd notice if i stopped taking off all my clothing when we make love... he'll know... he'll leave wont he?... I'm in so much pain. He knew, he could feel all of it, he was gentle with me, leaving small soft lip prints on my forehead, on my cheeks, against my lips... tender and smooth and caring and cold. His lips are always so cold against my hot face. Theres no way he wouldnt notice... could I blame them on Luca? If I put them at different angles, different depths... maybe he wouldnt figure out what they were. I could try, after work I have 2 hours before he'd be able to check on me... I could do it... I could get rid of so much stress...cut my arms, cut my legs, cut my fingers and feet and chest... it gets rid of so much stress.... I want stinging pain, I want no breathe in my lungs, I want sex, I want to be dead to everyone but him....... my chest hurts, twisted and crushing. I want to cry, from pain, from stress, for feeling horribly empty and alone, for enjoying being hit, being choked, being cut and abused. Its disgusting. I'm disgusting. I want to die to everyone but him. I want to die.

[the-sea-calphys]

[the-sea-calphys]

Reblog if child porn is disgusting and all victims are valid

[the-sea-calphys]

💜How You Help Us💙

Blue and Purple. It started as a lie to us. A sweet comforting lie, but now it is the colors that make my heart melt. You are blue, your favorite color, my favorite lullaby. You are deep, gentle, soothing, like the water and just like the water you understand and comfort me. You are blue, my cooling happy place under the waves, making my movements slow, my mind slow for once. Blue understands my purple, keeps it from become red in a quick slice of cold silver. Blue keeps me purple. You are Blue. Blue is my favorite color.

[the-sea-calphys]

D.I.D I Lose My Mind?

What trauma did we face to be like this.. to not be I.. but we. We understand that we are the same person but... not the same. We share the same container but are different, different enough to not belong in the same container. We share a couple similar interests, but we are not the same. We share our body, not my body, our body but we are not the same. One of us looks down at ourselves and only wishes to be thinner. The other looks down and hates what he sees, his chest is not flatter, there is nothing in between his legs but a constant reminder that he is the intruder to our body. So he does not come often. When he is here he shows in a fuss of dizziness, confusion and brain numbness and then he doesnt say much for knowing that our voice cannot reach the pitch he wants without it sounding forced and that if he were to talk our pitch would automatically go down and that us being we is not accepted as anything other than crazy by most so he stays quiet until he is around those that may not notice or will not care. We dont trust girls. He doesnt trust girls, but he provides a barrier of confidence so we are not destroyed by their whispers and judging eyes. He shows himself around our understanding and loving partner and becomes frustrated that he cannot be the man he knows he is, not really anyway. I am we and we are us. We are hyper aware of each other, remembering the others view like a drunken haze but just about making out enough to function properly. We know much about our differences, we notice them often. He walks back straight and head held high, he sits back in his chairs instead of hunched over, he is not afraid to be agressive and he is not afraid to yell. Our brain made him and he protects us. He is me and I is he and we are us. We are two, not one, yet one and not two, the same but not. We are Ayla and Cal and we are us.

[the-sea-calphys]

Thing- Vocaloid Oliver ~ The Steampianist.

[the-sea-calphys]

Self Torture

I wish I could explain in great detail how my mind works but no amount of metaphors or clever wording can make it clear just how this combination of self torture feels..... I'm scared of everything, scared of failure and scared what success will bring, I'm scared of not being enough, of not getting to the places I want to be at but just simply not having the motivation to pull me out of this tar pit depression drags me into... the fear can roll me out of bed, make me physically at the places I need to be but it takes so much convincing that by the time I'm standing up I am exhausted and only want to sleep... I want to die... my brain tells, no yells at me every day that nobody will ever love me, that everyone is lying to me, that I would be better off dead. I couldnt disappoint anyone if I were dead... but the constant fear is persistent and in the same second my mind tells me to die it shows me all the disappointment it would bring... I'm terrified of dying and yet I dont want to exist... I'm stuck.... and my hope is fading. I am not allowed to love the people I wish to care for.. I feel forced to make sure everyone is happy even if it means I am not allowed to be... I have no purpose other than to keep people happy..... I am scared that one day the fear wont be enough anymore, that I won't believe that I do make at least a couple people happy... that I simply wont care about pain anymore...... and then I'll be nothing but my pain I left behind.

[the-sea-calphys]

Most beautiful green tree python ^3^ the babe is starting to lose its baby color and become a big kid.

[the-sea-calphys]