thearmada4231

[thearmada4231]

Commission for @siirknight!

In which the Spot becomes friends with Miles and helps him get to school in time (albeit a bit clumsily).

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Y’all I think something is happening to me

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huh weird.

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We’re back baby

Never forget.

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mentally taking a drag of my mental cigarette because I don’t smoke but life has been very smokable lately

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Alright let’s get this over with

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On March 20th, 2025, my ex boyfriend died by suicide and I’ve been a mess—more so than I’ve admitted to most people.

Sam and I fell in love during the late spring of 2019. We were in our early 20’s, a bit foolish, and thought we’d be together forever. But forever looked more like a short year and a half of fast-paced romance. Sam was the kind of guy you could get lost in. He was the sweetest and most genuine soul I’d ever met and I was immediately enamored and endeared to him.

Sam made me laugh so hard that my stomach hurt—so hard that I would be in tears. He was so goofy and just adored showing off his silliness. He lived for the laughter of others. And he always wanted to be helpful. There was never a moment where Sam’s hands were empty. He volunteered at summer camps, he attended service-centered trips to neighboring villages, and he never let anyone go without telling them he was there for them.

But Sam had always wrestled with a darkness-one that he shared with very few folks. I was one of the small handful that got to see everything Sam tried to keep hidden. His depression, his paranoia, his anxiety. He carried it gracefully but I knew it was heavy.

Sam and I broke up in mid 2020, and we sort of fell out of touch. He wasn’t perfect and neither was I. We teetered on some toxic behavior witj one another—he wasn’t a bad person, but he was bad to me in the end of things. I wish now that I hadn’t been so angry with him because in the midst of our breakup, I’d thrown away a lot of the poetry he’d written me and many of the gifts he’d given. I deleted a lot of the photos we’d taken together. I’m lucky that there is a sentimental part of me that couldn’t purge everything. His voicemails sit in my inbox still, and I have listened to them at least twice a day just to hear him laugh. He had the most contagious laugh.

I’d moved on from Sam in the fall of 2022 and fell in love with my current partner, Elliott—I’ve been so incredibly happy with him and I know that this is my forever. But Sam will always be my first love and in 2023, we reconnected.

I was a part of a Jubiliee test shoot where they had us call our first love, and we would see what they had to say. Sam picked up immediately.

“Hello?”

“Hey Sam it’s Julia. Sorry is this a bad time?”

“No no! Never! Is everything ok? Are you ok?”

“Yeah everything’s great. I was just thinking about you and wanted to reach out.”

And then we talked. I left the shoot to keep talking to him. I drove home while he caught me up on the past 3 years. We laughed like we used to. We yapped like we used to. We connected and I remember saying how easy it was to pick up right where we’d left off. I told him about Elliott and he said that he was so happy that I found a good guy. And then he apologized.

“I’m so sorry for how I hurt you,” he said, in that sincere Samuel voice that he used when he was making sure to show his genuine heart. “I was so stupid to have left you like I did. I thought about you all the time and wished I could have been better. You deserved so much better than I could have offered at the time and I was selfish and dumb. I love you and I’m really, really glad you reached out. I’ve been struggling lately and needed a friend. God must have heard and sent you.”

I remember telling Elliott when I got home that Sam and I reconnected and he paused and said “…does he wanna play Minecraft with us?” And I knew that this was a God thing. Elliott and Sam became buddies. They would play Minecraft or sea of thieves together while I’d FaceTime with Sam. We had a Marco Polo family chat where we would send each other videos every now and then when life got busy.

We tried to stay connected as often as possible but I think things were getting bad again for Sam. I remember him pulling away slowly. He would go longer and longer without returning a text or a Marco Polo. He stopped playing games. In December last year, he called to wish me a happy birthday and a merry Christmas and we talked for a minute but then it was silent. He deleted Instagram. Deactivated his FB. I texted him at the end of February and it was the last time I’d heard from him

“Hey Sam. It’s been a minute. I hope everything’s ok. You wanna play games this weekend?” A week later, he replied.

“Hey sorry Jules. Life’s weird.”

“Weird? Weird how? Do you wanna talk about it?” But I got nothings so I followed up and said “I’m always here for you Sam bam. I love you💛.”

Every day, I wish I’d called. I wish I’d pushed him to talk to me. Every single day, I wonder how life would be different if I’d been more annoying or more persistent. Would it even have mattered? At the end of it all, I’m sure it wouldn’t have. But I can’t help but wonder.

Sam blew me away with everything he ever did. He was talented and wonderful and I love him so much. I’m heartbroken at this loss. The world feels a little darker without him in it. And it’s so weird to grieve a lost love when you’ve been moved on. I’m lucky that Elliott is so amazing. He doesn’t feel any kind of way about my grief and he is gracious about how often I cry over this.

But I haven’t stopped wondering about a future where Sam and I had made it work. I have so many “what ifs” and questions. Some timeline in which we had made one another happy—would he still be alive? Would we have been able to be happy together? Why couldn’t I have just stuck beside him all those years ago? Would I be happy? Would he still be broken and would he still have left the way he did, leaving me alone likely with our children?

Every single day I pray that heaven exists. There is the faith driven part of me that believes it, but for Sam’s sake, I’m begging for it to be real because I want him to be there. I want him to be at peace finally. Life was so unkind to him and I just keep begging God that afterlife is much more sweet. Sam must have felt so alone. And I hope to anything that will hear me that he isn’t feeling that way anymore.

Samuel, I miss you more than anything. I wish I could text you—it feels like I can, ya know? Like I can just reach out and send a funny meme or tiktok I think you’d like. I keep wanting to tell you that I love you. I hope you know that I did and I still do and I always will. I will carry you in my heart wherever I go.

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my singing voice is good for showers and mornings in the kitchen and drunken nights and lullabies for babies who need sleep and im okay with this

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I still love these two together ;;

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🔆 ROTBTDoodles 2023 — DAY 8: JARIDA

Another AU thing I missed with old fandoms are the band AUs!! Those were so good UGHH

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Did you know I published a Novel?

A Girl Called Galaxy, my debut novel, is currently available for purchase! I've been working on it for 7 years and its finally done!!

You can purchase it at the link below! I cannot wait for y'all to read it!

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me n the boys

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Final sketch is done!!