theblackangeldiaries - Tumblr blog

[theblackangeldiaries]

how could they expect me to bounce back, just like that

[theblackangeldiaries]

Once they know the truth, they’d realize I’ve been a walking doormat all my life.

[theblackangeldiaries]

Funny how Taylor Swift knows me so well (not personally though). She has this song entitled “August” and the story is kinda the same as my not-a-love story way back in high school.

And what's funnier is that the boy is actually born in August.

[theblackangeldiaries]

[theblackangeldiaries]

[theblackangeldiaries]

In line with the recent events in America: I am not a US citizen. Nor have I ever been to any of the states there. But I am a woman, a feminist, and I cry with every American woman who is affected by the turnout of events after SCOTUS overturned Roe.

I am a Catholic. But I'm pro-choice. I am a woman yet I don’t have the right to decide for other women. I don’t get to force my beliefs on them. I don’t have the right to choose what’s good for their own body and future. I don’t get to shun them if they want access to safe abortion.

Especially if the embryo inside is endangering their life or worse, a product of rape.

Because this is not just about religion or being conservative or “pro-life”. This is about how it’s already the 21st century but women are still being “put to their place”.

This is an attack on women’s rights.

And an attack on one woman is an attack on all women regardless of nationality, race, and ethnicity.

"I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own." -Audre Lorde

[theblackangeldiaries]

Burning Bridges

I rang the doorbell and expected to see the doctor but the one who welcomed me was the artist. I looked back in the hallway I came from to check if I just got the wrong apartment.

“Oh,” the artist said. “You’re the Math prodigy. Come in!”

She motioned for me to get inside. Maybe confusion was written all over my face because she told me where Dr. Kaede was and answered my unspoken question.

"Kaede's just preparing to go out."

This is the first time I saw her look so domesticated, in an oversized shirt and sweats. I don’t know her personally, but I’ve heard of her through my sister who’s an art journalist. She just started in the art industry a year ago but she’s hitting the international art scene like a storm already. I have seen photos of her in magazines and on different online platforms. She always looked so made up. Even during that time we attended her gallery exhibit.

She asked me if I wanted coffee or juice. I told her not to bother but she insisted so I just went for coffee. She put two mugs down on the table and said, “Like teacher, like student, huh?”

I was about to answer her when I saw Dr. Kaede come out of the room. She was about to go straight for the front door when the artist called her and announced that she has a visitor.

“I let her in since she knows your address.”

Dr. Kaede’s mouth opened and closed again. It’s like she was trying to find the right words to say. She’s being careful. Something I never thought she’d do because she always knows what to say.

She looked at me and her gaze went back to the artist. She held her gaze for a while and it made me want to look away. They stare at each other in a raw and hungry way. There was no touch of fakeness or artifice. Just pure raw emotions.

Then I suddenly felt the heavy air inside the room which wasn’t there earlier. I think I stepped into a land mine that’s about to explode if one of us moves.

“Sacchi,” Dr. Kaede said, the nickname falling off her lips with an ease that only comes from familiarity. “You-”

The artist cut off the doctor's words and turned to me. “I’m sorry, Kaede’s got an important appointment this lunch, but she’ll be back later. In the meantime, I can keep you occupied. I’m free today, so?”

I’m not sure what but I saw something pass her eyes when she said she was free today. I accepted her offer because maybe I’ll get my answer if I spend more time with her.

Dr. Kaede gave me an apologetic look and promised to be back later. She could be very persistent, she mouthed before walking out.

I followed the artist to the kitchen after seeing Dr. Kaede out. She was busy preparing something, so I invited myself to a chair at the island table and sat down.

“Uh…Ms…Sabrina?” I’ve been wanting to ask her this question since I stepped into the apartment, but I just couldn’t find the right words.

She turned towards me and smiled. “You know me?”

There’s that smile again. She’s been smiling ever since she answered the door. She was also smiling all night at different people in that exhibit. But there’s more to her smile than what meets the eye. I didn’t notice it that night, but now that I got to see her up close, her mouth’s smiling but her eyes weren’t.

“Not really,” I answered her. “But I’ve been to one of your exhibits.” She approached the island table and handed down two plates of clubhouse sandwiches. She even apologized because she doesn’t know how to cook and it’s usually Dr. Kaede who does it.

“You’ve been to my exhibit?”

It was Dr. Kaede who asked the class to go. We were even confused because what has art got to do with our lessons? And none of her paintings are about medical stuff. But I must admit they were beautiful.

Especially the one called Burning Bridges. It’s just an image of a girl setting the Charles Bridge on fire. But the burning colors were screaming of bottled-up feelings and last hurrah. It’s like the girl is trying to walk out from or end something by burning that bridge. I’m just not sure what it was she was trying to end that night.

“Are you and Doc Kay-”

“Sleeping together?” The artist laughed. A genuine laugh this time. She pulled out a chair and sat across the island table from me.

“We’re not really together anymore. But we were, while I was still at the hospital. She was a resident and I was an intern. She’s such a beautiful person. She seems strict but when you really get to know her, she’s actually friendly and can be sometimes clingy." She smiled as if remembering a special moment.

"I love how her eyes sparkle when she talks about things she loves. I think you know it since you’re her student. She loves sharing her ideas and helping people with those ideas. That’s why she loves teaching so much, besides being a doctor. I learned a lot from her."

"I love her," she sighed. "So much that it came to a point that it’s suffocating both of us. And I have to let her go. You know, the whole thing about ‘if you love them set them free’. We spent the past two years living different lives. But, somehow, we just keep crawling back to each other."

"Especially me. I don’t know why I keep coming back. I haven’t been able to let her go. Or I think I don’t actually want to let her go. Maybe Kaede was right. I’m indeed selfish. I keep testing her. Dragging her through my shithole. And I know, it’s pushing her away. I’m just actually waiting for her to leave me…like finally leave me alone.”

Listening to the artist's sweet yet heartbreaking words for the doctor takes me back to that night of her gallery exhibit. I thought the girl in the painting was trying to end something by burning that bridge. But she was actually freeing something.

Sacchi is freeing Kaede from the thread of fate that ties them together.

[theblackangeldiaries]

I’ve thought about you over the years.

something as simple as the smell of a coffee brewing;

or the sight of a time measuring machine,

or the queen city of the south on a summer,

could transport me right back to that year.

[theblackangeldiaries]

[theblackangeldiaries]

10 Things I Learned From Being Raised By A Strong Mother

1. Value your independence

Growing up, my mom would always tell me to focus on my studies so I could get a decent job with decent pay. If I make my own money, I can buy my own clothes, pay my own bills, feed my own mouth and not depend on any man to cloth and give a roof over my body. She’s the definition of the famous Destiny’s Child song “Independent Woman”: the shoes on her feet, the clothes she’s wearing, the watch on her wrist, she bought it all. 

“I learned that I don’t need a man to buy me my favorite things.”

2. The world is cruel but you’re a motherfucking woman

I’d never forget this one “survival guide” my mom taught me as a kid. I grew up in a small town where the public transportation is a small pedal-operated vehicle called a pedicab. By the time I was old enough to know the directions from our house to my school and vice versa, she allowed me to commute alone. But she never failed to remind me that if I can see that the direction the driver is taking is not the way back home or to school, I should jump straight out of the pedicab. No matter if it’s still running. A few scratches will heal. But a broken soul won’t. 

“I learned that bad things happen but girls should never cower behind a male specie.”

3. Love doesn’t have to be perfect

My parents’ relationship was not the greatest love story of all time. It wasn’t a whirlwind romance nor a fairy tale. Not the hearts and flowers type or candlelit dinners. It wasn’t something worth envying but just like what Patty in the movie Starting Over Again said, their love was quiet and boring but it was sure. Especially with how my dad was sick for half of their marriage years. She wasn’t a single mother but she had to take over the role of both the father and mother in this family. My mom had to take care of him aside from taking care of her kids. Now, I’m pretty sure it’s possible to work 18 hours a day (or even more). She has a regular 8-5 work and outside of that work hours, she has a sick husband and two kids to attend to. She had to do the budgeting, the cleaning, the cooking, the grocery shopping, and whatever else parents need to do for their family. She had to be the first to hear the bad news and be the bearer of it. She has to be exhausted with all these never-ending problems. One would be tempted to run away. But she didn’t. I guess that’s what it means when they say ‘in sickness and in health’. If that isn’t love then I don’t know what is.

“I learned how big a mother’s heart is and her love is unconditional.”

4. A woman can be strong and soft at the same time

I’ve read somewhere that strong mothers are usually very sensitive but they just do a better job of hiding it. I’ve always known my mom is strong. She laughs out her problems and always finds ways to fix things. I never saw her cry. Not until that night in my hospital room. I was screaming and crying in pain then she suddenly hugged me and cried with me. I realized that night that no matter how tough she acts, she’s in pain when her family’s in pain, she’s troubled when she doesn’t hear or see us at night and she’ll never stop worrying about us no matter how old we get because of the simple reason that she is a mother.

“I learned that crying is not a form of weakness.”

5. There’s nothing wrong with being “opinionated”

It’s not easy being a woman. Your opinions will be discounted, your achievements will be overlooked. But you just have to keep going because there’ll come a day that people will listen and look up to you. It doesn’t matter if they call you ambitious, at least you have a standard.

“I learned to confidently speak my mind even if not everyone will agree, and that’s okay.”

6. Not all battles are meant to be fought

Sometimes, they are meant to be prayed for. There was a framed portrait of the famous “Footprints in the Sand” in our old house. She would share with us the moral of the story and remind us that when the going gets tough and our faith is crumbling down, that’s when we should hold unto Him more. We’re never alone. He fights alongside us. He’ll never abandon us. When life gets too hard to go on, we can let our guard down and let Jesus take the wheel. Let him lead the way. For those people who are close to our family and know what we went through, they would often ask her “how” and she’d always reply “just prayers”.

“I learned that prayer is the strongest weapon against all odds.”

7. Always look for the silver lining

My mother deals with life’s frustrations and devastations mostly by keeping busy, not analyzing too much, letting God do His will, and helping the truly disadvantaged when she can. She doesn’t let any shit get her down. When things go haywire and no amount of glue stick or carpentry and stuff can fix it, she’ll just say “Okay, maybe God has a reason”. After all, it’s impossible to live life without any missteps.

“I learned to always look for the brighter side of life.”

8. Patience is indeed a virtue

Never rush things. Whenever we want something, she’d tell us to pray for it. If it’s meant for us, God will always provide. If it’s not, then He always has a better plan.  Everything that happens in life will lead us somewhere even if it’s nothing we ever wished for because that’s God’s plan.

“I learned to be patient with life, timing, success, and problems.”

9. Don’t let other people run your life

I’m a people-pleaser and I tend to always play the role they want me to act. So, my mom would always, always have to remind me that it’s impossible to please everybody. That no matter what you do, they will always have something negative to say about you. And it’s okay. They’re entitled to their own opinion. Just don’t let it affect you. She’d tell me that it’s my life and I can be whoever I want, do whatever I want and as long as I know that I’m doing the right thing and I’m not stepping in someone else’s shoes, I should not give a damn about what other people say.

“I learned to let go and not let others bring me down.”

10. A mother-daughter relationship is a complicated one

One day, you’re the best of friends. The next day, it’s like she’s the worst enemy you ever had. It used to scare me that I wanted things my mother wouldn’t understand. That we’re total opposites. Our ideas would always seem to crash. I want black, she wants white.

But as I grew older, I realized it’s just a matter of perspective. If our ideas used to crash, maybe that’s because it’s impossible to please everybody. But I’m still entitled to my own opinion. And so, I learned to speak my mind. If I wanted things my mother doesn’t understand, maybe that’s because I learned to value my independence. I know who I am and I know what I want. And I worked hard for it. 

Just as she taught me. 

“Cliché as it may seem but mothers really know best.”

                                                          ***

My relationship with my mom today is still far from perfect. But hey, remember, love doesn’t have to be perfect. It just needs to be sure and true. And I’m forever grateful to my mom for leading by example.

[theblackangeldiaries]

[theblackangeldiaries]

I always settle for okay. Okay relationships. Okay life. Casual hookups. Drunk sex. Because I don’t know how else to be important. If I could please them with my phantom smiles, even just for a while, then maybe they’d stay.

[theblackangeldiaries]

[theblackangeldiaries]

let me tell you about the first time I met her:

it wasn’t love at first sight

“like”, “admire”, yes,

you can even say “confused”.

but from that day on,

every song I hear 

sounds like rainbow.

[theblackangeldiaries]

[theblackangeldiaries]

[theblackangeldiaries]

Need you ask?