thebolterfromttpd

[thebolterfromttpd]

i don’t think people understand how much of life is grief. not just people dying, but losing the version of yourself you thought you’d become. grieving the city you had to leave. the friends you lost not in argument, but in silence. the summer that will never come back. the feeling that maybe you peaked at 12 when you were reading books under the covers and believing in forever

[thebolterfromttpd]

genuinely i have never laughed so hard with somebody

[thebolterfromttpd]

you wanna know what‘s embarassing? crushing on someone.

i know that‘s very avoidant attachment style of me, but i am so heavily crushing on someone‘s son it‘s crazy, i‘ve never felt like this before (i know that again is very Honey, Honey of me)

it‘s so bad i‘m returning to tumblr to spell out my thoughts because i can‘t sleep. i have been annoying my roomies all day with my being high on love (might just call it that), now it‘s y‘alls turn.

it‘s so bad that i had to make a playlist out of several taylor swift, sabrina carpenter and twenty one pilots songs to cope with my emotions.

it‘s so bad that i have made an instagram collection where i save reels that talk of crushes and dates to send to him when we‘re at that stage.

it‘s so bad that waiting two days to see him again feels like having to wait forever.

in conclusion. It‘s Really Bad.

[thebolterfromttpd]

[thebolterfromttpd]

i was in the library today (once again, why do i even pay rent). and the hustle culture is going hard in this specific library.

there was a girl next to me from 8am on and at hour 7 of studying, she simply fell asleep on her book. just like that, for a whole hour. then, she woke up, checked her make-up. and. kept going, kept on studying.

i just thought that‘s crazy.

we are living on a planet that literally grows food, just like that, but humanity still ended up working themselves to death. we could‘ve been a happy society chilling at the beach and taking naps in the sun, but somehow we‘re taking naps in the library now? for a degree that gives us a burnout? for a job that will give us the second burnout? that is simply crazy.

[thebolterfromttpd]

why does my brain forget? why can't it just r e m e m b e r ???? also, why can't it just tell me how tf it works i feel so betrayed right now i hate my hippocampus it shall consolidate my memories fasterrr signed, a pained psychology student suffering in the library trying to work through all of the 20 relevant lectures for an exam where every little detail is important to know. fml.

[thebolterfromttpd]

An explainer for why I don't fuck with algorithmic social media

If you give a pigeon a little button to peck that releases pigeon food, it will push the button when it's hungry.

If you give a pigeon a button to peck that releases food every 5 pecks, it will peck it more often.

If you give a pigeon a button to peck that releases food at a randomly selected, always shifting number of pecks, the pigeon will peck that fucking button all day long.

Algorithm based social media is not set up to give you the best most fun stuff all the time, it is set up to give you a bunch of stress and nothingness with a randomized reward of something that actually makes you happy, because they want you pecking that button all damn day. It is a slot machine of content, meant to keep you putting in quarters made of your time and attention till you've nothing left.

At least if I'm having a shit day on my own Tumblr home feed it's because I've made a bad choice about who to follow and I can fix it.

[thebolterfromttpd]

i will NOT be a self-fulfilling prophecy tonight. last night‘s post was about me abandoning projects rather quickly, like crocheting or, dare i say it, this blog. but not today satan, not today. even though i don‘t quite know what to write.

today, i was surrounded by people a lot. i woke up saying good morning to both of my roommates. then i got to the library to study, where i also met the new love of my life (never talked or even made eye-contact with him) (he literally just studied next to me) (in germany we call it „bib crush“). then i went to the cafeteria where a guy works who always already knows what i‘m gonna eat. then i got me an energy drink at the store, the cashier is a man who always calculates my change before the cash register does it. then i went to visit my family in my home village. then i hungout with 12 year olds because that‘s my hobby for some reason (youth groups and stuff). you get the jist.

throughout the day, i was very tired the whole time. but i always forgot about that when i was with people today. i guess i am a very extroverted person.

when i was younger, like 15, i was fully convinced i was an introvert. i had a whole edgy „i hate people“ thing going on. i was really interested in personality tests like mbti or enneagram, i know my „data“ to this day (for my fellow nerds: then i thought i was an infp 7w6, today i‘m sure it‘s enfp 6w7 although you really gotta question the fundamental concept behind those personality tests).

anyways, i guess this is my way of saying that i am thankful for all the people around me, whether they play a huge role in my life or not. in the end, it‘s even the small interactions with the fun cashier that are making my day. of course, those closest to me like my roomies or my family are the ones that really make my life meaningful and that help me grow.

i am also really thankful that they made me forget how sleepy i was today. but, now it actually is time for bed.

[thebolterfromttpd]

motivational for someone who started studying for an exam way to late is now trying to fix my messing up (send help)

[thebolterfromttpd]

tumblr told me to post something that i like so here goes the matcha i had earlier this week.

my other roommate said that people who say they like matcha are lying to themselves. that they are basically gaslighting themselves into liking matcha. and that it actually tastes like walking into a forest and licking the first tree you see.

and - i mean - that‘s an opinion to have but. imagine this:

you are walking through the first sun after an ever-lasting, never-ending, terribly rainy winter. you‘re going to catch a train to meet some friends. you have your sunglasses on, your on-ear headphones play hozier from one of your carefully crafted playlists and you realize you have enough time to get a lil treat before your train arrives. and. you get a matcha. from a cute barista. with a cute lil foam heart. and they didn‘t forget the sugar or vanilla sirup so it in fact does NOT taste like licking a tree.

and then you get to walk to your train station , all mysterious with matcha and sunglasses and headphones that are blasting hozier into your brain and you live, what i believe the italians call it, la dolce vita.

and get this: you live in germany. which means you have to travel with the DB. but your train still does arrive on time. the cherry on top. the dolce vita, truly, lived and embodied by my random tuesday morning.

[thebolterfromttpd]

hello tumblr! you’re going to be my thought-dump from now on.

often, i think about starting to keep a journal. but i am not persistent enough to journal. i also don‘t like the hand cramps i get from writing on paper. i can‘t stand when it does not look clean. but i can NOT do it all cute and journal-y because that is super exhausting.

and so, here i am, trying to create an artsy tumblr account in 2025, quite late to the party. although - i once had a tumblr before. one of those fanpages reposting all of the marvel, percy jackson and harry potter stuff (and i stand by that). now, i feel like doing a diary blog - we‘ll see how long that project lasts this time.

my projects don‘t usually last for a long time. i once thought i was getting into embroidering, so i had my mom get me a set for my birthday. i embroidered exactly one (1) flower-stem until i gave up on it forever. that set, in all its glory, is now laying in my roommates desk right in the room next to me.

but y‘know - maybe this time, it‘ll be different. then, i wanted to be a nerdy fanpage because i needed people to connect over it because none of my friends read percy jackson (in a similar, very obsessive way at least). then, i wanted to embroider because i thought i could make my jeans, my fjallräven backpack and my vans look cooler. but now, i want to journal because i need some outlet for all the consistent existential dread i get from my degree and my (undiagnosed) anxiety. so that‘s fun.

and hey - if i find some people to connect over that too? why not. let‘s see where this is going.