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4: The courage to transcend

Last night I went somewhere. 

I’ve always understood that my mind and body connection were tight. This is why I cry when I watch movies, this is why I get scared easily, this is why I hallucinate when I have fevers. My mind can have me seeing things at the drop of a dime. It doesn’t take much. I am a trippy person. I’ve always known this about myself. 

I use to pass out when the pastors would pray over me. Complete meditative state achieved. I vividly remember staring in the mirror as a child and not being able to stop as I repeated the words “regulaaaa, regulaaaa, regulaaa”. To this day I don’t know why it happened or what it meant... but I do remember being stuck in front of that mirror. 

Last night my mind to took me somewhere. I’ve been looking into it and it seems I had a “mystical experience”. I want to hold onto the lesson learned but it’s fleeting. I realized beauty isn’t real. At least not how we know it. We created it and it’s a monster. The moment I compare myself to other women I objectify them and I project this unreal and completely superficial standard. I’m part of the problem. I think thats a big lesson from last night. I am forcing myself to abide by this unreal idea that beauty is something to be attained. It’s not because it isn’t real. I already have everything that makes me beautiful just like you already have everything that makes you beautiful. 

Today’s three things:

I am beautiful

I am beautiful

I am beautiful

[thecourageuniverse-blog]

3: The courage to celebrate yourself

It’s only 3 pm and I’ve already had a few revelations.

This morning before going to the gym, I took a photo of myself for my bf and I felt good about it. I felt pretty good at the gym too. Sometimes I really do have to take a second to appreciate my figure. I’m not where I want to be and I really do have the desire to be thin... but for a moment, I felt happy to be curvy. I didn’t harp on the idea too much because I know positive thoughts are fleeting with me. I took another photo of myself and surprisingly liked the way my body looked in that photo also. 

I do get insecure about being both tall and curvy but today it’s not my main focus. I’m proud of myself for going to the gym. I’m proud of the quick moments that I liked myself. 

I just spoke to my partner and he said something about skinny legs not being his preference and it made me feel better. Although this is a positive thing, I understand that my self-esteem can’t rely on his opinion... (but it does help lol). 

Another thing that keeps popping up into my mind is Lizzo’s Letterman interview. She just spoke so positively about herself, her abilities, and her talents. She also confidently spoke about her future. She’s just so positive when it comes to herself that it really inspired me because I think that’s so rare. I’m not saying it because she’s a plus-sized black woman. I understand that she’s not what the media pushes as the standard of beauty - but even if she was this would still be impressive. 

Last night I realized that sometimes instant gratification has to be sacrificed for long term gratification. I’m going to work on my eating habits today. That will be my main focus. 

Today’s three:

I’m proud of myself for going to the gym even though I woke up late and was tired. 

I can cook really fun and delicious meals for those I care about. 

I am a generous person and I love that about myself.

[thecourageuniverse-blog]

2: The courage to understand yourself

I was suppose to be much more productive and much more positive yesterday but things didn’t go as planned. I did do the majority of the things I wanted to but I was still running behind schedule and just feeling crappy. 

I have a real issue comparing myself to other people.. particularly ex girlfriends. I don’t know what it is about them. I’ve done countless forum searches trying to find an answer. Part of the reason, but probably not the answer, is that I always feel like they’re just so different from me. This shouldn’t be an issue since obviously everyone is different... but it drives me a little crazy to think if you were with her and attracted to her... what could you possibly see in me. Another question that crosses my mind is��“does everyone you know feel like you downgraded?”

It’s embarrassing to say - but in this country obsessed with race, I want to say it’s partially not my fault (in order to wash myself of how embarrassing this is)... but I think I have some type of white girl complex. It’s not even that I think the blonde hair/blue eyes combination is better than my black hair/brown eyes combination, it’s that I think others do. Maybe I really can’t process someone being attracted to that and to me. Even though I, myself, am attracted to both white and black men. 

I have a hard time being proud of anything that I am... and it’s starting to seem that this complex is just another excuse I’ve made up to dislike myself even more. I just don’t know how to make it stop. I want to though. I want to stop comparing myself to other women. They can be pretty, smart, funny, and interesting without being a threat to my self-esteem....

Here’s to hoping today is a better day. Today’s three:

I am creative and I am a critical thinker. This combination helps me figure out how to do a lot of cool things.

I have displayed lots of self control. I was vegan/vegetarian for years and I was very dedicated to the gym at one point. This shows me that I can do a lot of things that I set my mind to. 

I do not judge other people. I try to be as accepting as possible, and at the very least not make people feel like I am judging them. 

[thecourageuniverse-blog]

1: The courage to start over

Welcome to a blog dedicated to myself

An introduction: I just got back from a 3 day camping trip with my partner. It was a really great experience despite the frigid temperatures we had last night. I used this trip to relax and enjoy the views but the underlying truth is that this trip was a symbolic reset for me. 

I’ve been taking some time to evaluate my life and the direction it’s going in and I haven’t been really happy about it. I’m always rushing, stressed, and doing nothing while feeling exhausted. I can barely handle my WFH stay-at-home job. I understand I haven’t adjusted to this virtual world but I’m done with the excuses. I have to make this work for me. 

Aside from the obvious and most evident parts of my lifestyle, I’ve really been struggling with my self-esteem. This has been going on for a very long time and I’m not sure since when. I do know my previous relationship created even more depth to my insecurity but I don’t think this is where it started. 

I had a realization recently. I remember always being “boy crazy” and focusing on my relationships with boys and how they viewed me. Fortunately, this wasn’t ever really an issue. It didn’t really affect my academic accomplishments or much really. I wasn’t the type of person to sleep around for attention.. or at all.. and it didn’t lead to any destructive behavior. That being said, the realization I had was that this focus on my relationship with boys, and now men, has been a scapegoat from facing the relationship I have with myself. If a boy thought I was pretty, interesting, smart, and funny it no longer mattered what I thought about myself (whether it be positive or negative). I transferred the responsibility of maintaining my self-esteem to men. 

This became my downfall during my last relationship without me noticing. To put my self-esteem in the hands of someone else for 6 years was risky and unfortunately I got burnt. Ultimately, this culminated when he cheated on me. This act impacted me deeply not because of how it hurt my relationship with him but because it negatively impacted my relationship with myself. 

Today I find myself in a much different situation. I am in a relationship with a partner that uplifts me every chance he gets which has really helped me a lot with my self esteem... but over the weekend it creeped up on me. During the first night of our trip, I got this horrible gut feeling. “He’s cheating. He has to be.” When I arrived to the conclusion that there’s just no way he is cheating on me I jumped to the next conclusion... “He thinks I’m ugly. He’s not attracted to me. Eventually he will cheat on me.” This is when I reached my breaking point. My partner does absolutely nothing to make me feel this way. He is attentive, sweet, loving, dedicated, and he has become my biggest cheerleader. 

So then whats my issue? My issue is that I dislike myself so much that I can’t imagine someone loving me for a long period of time. I can’t imagine being enough for someone. I have tricked myself into believing that I am someone who deserves to be cheated on or left for someone else because I am simply not enough. This is coming to an end. I am committing myself to becoming my biggest cheerleader. 

Essentially, I have decided to start over with myself. I want to make amends and restore my relationship with me. I want to love and be proud of myself. I know relationships take work and I’ve mustered up the courage to start over. I’ll be using the blog to document my journey, my feelings, my progress, and my triggers. 

I want to end each post with 3 positive things to say about myself since I tend to harp on the negative.

Today’s three:

I have officially received my Master’s degree diploma. I am proud of myself and my accomplishments. I worked hard for it and I deserve it. 

I went camping twice this year. Once in a heatwave and once in below freezing weather. I am a strong woman and I am not afraid to try new things.

I care deeply about my loved ones and I worry about their happiness. I am a good daughter, sister, and girlfriend. I am proud of these relationships.