thegrearbeardhxc-blog

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

It's almost been a year

It's almost been a year It's almost been a year since the day you told me you were done. It's almost been a year since the day I watched you pack your things and leave. It's almost been a year since I refused to sleep in our bed because it's to empty without you. It's almost been a year and I'm still not okay and the wound feels as fresh as it did that day. This give it time thing and everything will be okay just doesn't seem to be working because time is suppose to heal all wounds but this one just doesn't seem to fall into that category. It's almost been a year and I'm still destroying every potential relationship because I'm afraid to open back up again. It's almost been a year and I'm still rocked to sleep by my tears. It's almost been a year but I can still remember the way your hand felt in mine. It's almost been a year and I'm still waiting for you to walk back in that door.

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

do u ever hear some lyrics and it feels like someone just stabbed you

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

Alcoholic

I am an alcoholic it’s a name i use to throw around as a joke with friends because I could usually drink more than them and i always had some sort of alcohol at my place, But the truth is i have a real problem that i cover up with humor so that no one catches on to it. I’ve gone from drinking a twelve pack to get drunk to needing my own bottle just to get drunk. I am not proud of these feet not only because it shows the severity of the of my drinking but because it causes all my friends to worry about me and my well being because i can no longer remember any of my weekends because i will drink until i black out. I am depressed is another name I throw around as a joke but i have been able to cover it with my chronic drinking because instead of dealing with my depression i bury it under a mountain of whiskey, vodka, rum, and beer Because it’s hard to be depressed when you’re unconscious but this only works for so long until it pushes its self to the surface and crushes me. I know why i drink and it’s not to have fun or be the life of the party it’s to help my forget memories that haunt me every day because maybe if i drink enough I will finally forget these memories and maybe my depression will disappear along with them but it’s also because i’m hoping the liquor will finally kill me.

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

Depression Army

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

Dandelions.

Winter has dwindled, and now all of the brothers and sisters of the natural world prepare for the imminent heat. The stretches of grass allow their viridescent blades to reach their full potential, for they know that though it leaves the oppression of the snow in their wake, the summer will bring a drought, stifling them once again. The trees are evolving into mushroom clouds, exploding with color, doing no harm. Leaves and flowers have already detached themselves in large numbers, fallen brethren contently littering the sidewalks. The trees are not ready to shed, of course. They simply overcompensated for the months spent dead, perhaps got a bit too excited about the sunlight, and now must adjust. Most spirited and prominent of all are the dandelions that dot the yards and the sides of the roads, forming galaxies, dense clusters of nebulous yellow light, permeating through a perfect, velvety space.

It is on this particular walk that I dwell on the dandelions. The denizens of my town (and all towns far and wide) worship their own lawns, a tangible microcosm of the lives they have built, the wealth they have secured. From childhood, they dream of their lawns, wrapped around by fences, keeping out what is undesirable. They tend to these patches of Earth that serve no purpose other than to suggest to passersby, “I am a landowner, and I can afford this land without even having to grow anything on it. It is simply mine, and nothing else.” In fact, they go through great strife to ensure that nothing other than grass will sprout. Relentlessly hacking weeds and dousing the ground with chemicals, desperate to keep all nature away from the only piece of nature that belongs to them.

And yet, the dandelions grow. Through all adversity, all attempts quell them, the dandelions always find a way to permeate through the suburban perfection and sprinkle the world in their own version of splendor, a splendor that is not blank, but full of life. They do not ask permission. They do not hesitate to be, for they know that the only reason that they are classified as “weeds” is that human beings did not ask them to be there. They serve little ecosystemic purpose, and surely cannot be harvested and sold. They just are, bringing in a colorful reminder of spring after a harsh reign of bitter grey.

I think to myself how I want to be a dandelion, to do as they do. To merely exist, for the sake of existing. Suburbia did not ask for me, though I will thrive regardless, paying no mind to the way that my lawn is expected to look. I will emit my vibrant glow, coating the emptiness with flecks of myself. And when my time comes to an end, the frazzled strands of white sprouting from atop my head will part ways with the rest of me, leaving me behind to create something new. My only hope is that they will birth more dandelions. Proud, radiant, unasked for. Simply existing because all things have a right to do so, making the beautiful kinfolk of living things more colorful by simply being, unafraid.

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

The black ink from a writer’s pen, Always begins as red blood from a writer’s heart.

elementlydesolate  (via wnq-writers)

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

A FEW THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW IF WE DATE

One I may have a beautiful beard but trust me i am i solid 6 at best. Two I can’t sing but that wont stop me from trying to serenade you. Three I’m a great listener only because I’m to awkward to hold a conversation. Four I have a great smile but i have smiled more if the face of pain then in happiness. Five you may enjoy the tattoos on my skin but you’ll never understand the scars they cover. Six there will be days that I won’t be able to climb out of bed and I’ll wish i was dead. Seven on those days I will lie and tell you I’m okay not because i don’t trust you but because i don’t wanna burden you with my issues. Eight I will try to bury these emotions under a mountain of liquor but I am trying to fix this habit. Nine I’m sorry but i get attached to easy so if you decide to leave just know I won’t take it easy. Ten if by some strange circumstance you decide to stay just know i will do everything i possibly can to hand you the world.

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

On her worst days I just held her. I know my love won’t cure her depression. But I wanted her to know that she will never fight alone.

I Love You Kat // Conee Berdera (via wnq-writers)

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

Man up

Man up....... How many of us can say that this was something we heard more than are you okay.  Throughout my childhood that was all i heard man up, cowboy up, toughen up before they knew if i was okay.  Because crying or showing pain as a man is something that is considered weak and no one wants a man that is weak.  We are expected to be big macho men who never cry, who never look at anything and say aww that's cute because if we do that then we are called names to check us back in to line.  Fag.  Pussy. Panzy. Bitch. Wuss.  Queer.  As if being attracted to someone of the same sex means you are not a man.  We are taught to bury our emotions and never let them surface.  We are taught never to cry it is only okay to cry at a funeral and that is it in every other situation you must fight the urge to cry and surpress those feelings.  Men are not emotionaly unstable we just don't know how to handle our emotions.  We a force to surpress them until it grows and grows and comes to the surface in one giant wave.  I feel my emotions at there most extreme whenever i cry i bawl whenever i'm happy i'm estatic there is no inbetween.  I can't even tell my other guy friends that i love them or share a hug with them without that little voice in my head calling me a fag or telling me to just shake there hand like a man and get on with my life. . Just because you enjoy theater class more than you enjoyed football or weight lifting doesn't mean your aren't manly.  We pick on the male drama students not because what they do is weak or stupid but because they were aloud to get intouch with there femine side they were able to process love, compassion, empathy, and sadness and we didn't get to.  We hate them because they have what we want, to be accepted as emotional beings.  We hate them because that's what we were taught to hate not them as in people but them as in those emotions.  We need to get rid of this stigma of man up get rid of the thought of that's not manly because being manly has nothing to do with life.   These phrases have ruined my life and the lives of many others just like me.

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

If only you knew

if only you knew how much i truly cared for because i would’ve crossed oceans just to see you smile and i wouldn’t traveled to the ends of the of the cosmos just to make sure that you had everything you would ever need to live a happy life.  I wish you understood that when i said you could quit your job and go back to school full time and pursue any career path or study anything subject that your heart desired and i would work as much overtime as i needed to so that we would stay afloat and you could pursue what makes you happy in life. If only you knew how badly i wanted to call you my wife because you are my best friend and i never wanted our shenanigans to end like the time we went to the store at 2 am because an ice cream cake just sounded so good because they are the best memories i have in life.  I wish you knew how much my family truly loves you because they still talk about how amazing you are and how they wish i could’ve kept you around and i wish you would’ve seen the excitement on my mothers face when i told her i was planning on asking you to marry me because I’ve never seen her that happy before and I’ve also never seen her as sad as the day you left me.

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

Gosh I love my boyfriend.

[thegrearbeardhxc-blog]

xo