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[thehaikuofmylife]

Souls in sunshine meet

Melding, mending..synthesis

Paths now singular

[thehaikuofmylife]

Anticipation

Unexpected countenance

Lights genuine smiles

[thehaikuofmylife]

Hiding behind smiles

Wishing for kindred spirits

Behind closing doors

[thehaikuofmylife]

Life, but an instant Reflecting on time wasted Vowing new future

[thehaikuofmylife]

New steps, open doors Change of thought changing routine Revitalize life

[thehaikuofmylife]

Day 12: September 21, 2017

4:55 pm The Slip turned into a trip down the gutter. Picture him as Pennywise and me lowering myself down there. Lowering myself, indeed. Suddenly..today, an awakening of what exactly I was doing. Slip, trip, fall. Now, all the bad karma and bad feelings have returned. I’m almost back at the very beginning of the end. Horrible place to be, and I only have myself to blame. Am I kicking myself? Yes. I even tried to kick my own butt with the old Gilad ankle-to-the-butt move. However, the physical pain is nowhere near the heartache I’ve brought back on myself. Looking forward, I’ll look at it this way: I can draw on this awful time to remember *why* I needed to go cold turkey. And do again, obviously. Because this..I can’t do this again. I have to keep climbing out of this darkness. This, the catalyst of change.

[thehaikuofmylife]

I think people forget just how starved we writers are for feedback. Like every time someone tells me how much they liked my writing or how it touched them I do an internal breakdance while crying for five minutes straight. 

[thehaikuofmylife]

Day 6: September 15, 2017

1:28 am (yes, it’s actually Saturday morning the 16th)

Friday was a lonely day. Another stage of grieving, I guess.

Friends have good intentions that sometimes backfire in epic ways. Like one tonight who told me that she was “pretty sure” he was out on a date with someone new.

Yes, I know I need to move on. Yes, I know he was already talking to others before we broke up. I know. It doesn’t make anything any easier.

The fact that I seem to be stuck in place..still missing him, missing us..makes me question a lot of things. Even though I know my decisions were for my best interest and self-preservation.

“It will get better,” they assure me. “This too shall pass.”

I’m beginning to wonder.

[thehaikuofmylife]

Day 5: September 14, 2017

11:02 pm

Today was, in a nutshell, not good.

Scattered thoughts overcrowded and manipulated my brain. Still are, actually. Questions, no answers. Then anger and discontent.

Yet through it all, I kept (and keep) getting one message.

“Patience.”

Everything that ran through my head today..that is the word that became the underlying theme. It cropped up constantly.

Though I know y'all might call it something different..the universe, my intuition, voices in my head, whatever..I call it my guardian angel speaking to me.

“Patience.”

That one word..is not my strong suit. Yet I feel there is something waiting past that. Something just beyond my periphery.

I had planned a different blog for tonight. However, that came around so much today I thought it needed to be brought beyond the confines of my mind.

“Patience.”

Again, time will tell.

I am, however, impatient for the reveal.

[thehaikuofmylife]

Sleep, steal me away Warm cocoon of peaceful dreams Evanescent bliss

[thehaikuofmylife]

Day 4: September 13, 2017

10:27 pm

Today was hard. I expected it, but at the same time..didn’t.

As Day 4 of the detox he-tox draws to a close, so does the eluded-me-til-now day 14 of no communication.

Again, hard.

I heard our songs on the radio for the first time in a while today. Then so many sad songs that only illuminated where I am..or, I should say, where I backslid to today. Yet, my backsliding only consisted of reliving the good stuff in my head. All day. Couldn’t seem to conjure up any of the bad stuff, interestingly enough.

No communication, however. I didn’t reach out, much as I wanted to in spite of the new, stronger, walking-away me that is slowly emerging.

So now, this is new ground for me..making it past day 14.

Don’t get me wrong. Even as I sit here writing this, the good memories are flashing in my head..but the bad feelings are quietly threading their way back in as well.

Part of me is..I should be done with this. Another part..the heart of me..who fell harder than she ever had..maybe than she ever will again?..is still holding on.

Yes, holding on.

What the heck am I holding on to?

This is the man I was going to marry. Spend my life with. We had the wedding planned; were planning our future. 

I’ve never entwined my life so much with someone else.

“Let go,” the well-meaning lovelies in my life tell me. “Forgive and let go. It’s time.”

If only it were that easy. 

Sleep would be welcome, but I’m not sure sleep will visit me tonight. So much in my head. So much out of my head..all while my heart hurts.

Tomorrow, the sun will shine for the first time in days as Irma the storm finally fades away.

Tomorrow, day 5 of the detox he-tox.

Tomorrow, I break ground on day 15 of no communication. I honestly do not know what to expect. What thoughts will invade. How I’ll react to them.

Uncharted territory.

[thehaikuofmylife]

Day 3: September 12, 2017

10:00 pm

Another day comes to a close, and another day for the detox he-tox win column too.

Tomorrow, however, brings a milestone.

While this is day 3 of my sixty-day detox he-tox, this is actually day 13 of my not talking to him at all.

What’s the big deal with that?

The past few times I ‘broke up’ with him (yes, times..I cringe mightily at those words), I always broke down and went back on..day 14.

Like I said, milestone.

What’s different about now though? This last time it was just..different. Something changed in me on August 30 when I ended it. I felt the tear, the rip..the separation. Things I didn’t feel in the other times I left (times..plural..cringe again).

I admit, tonight I have been missing him more than lately. Just like on the previous day 13′s. It is not, however, completely overwhelming me like before. It’s not I’ll lose it if I don’t talk to him soon type of situation. Tonight it feels more like a, look what I’m doing. What I’ve done. How far I’ve come.

As I cross day 3 of the detox he-tox off the calendar tonight, tomorrow brings the more defining day 14 of no communication.

Time, indeed, will tell.

[thehaikuofmylife]

[thehaikuofmylife]

Awake, reminisce Only our best comes to mind Elude illusion

[thehaikuofmylife]

The first post of the actual blog of me.

Day 1: September 10, 2017

8:45 p.m. Day 1. Of 60. 60 days where I will not stalk him on any platform. 60 days where I will not communicate with him. At all. I won’t text. Won’t email. Won’t Facebook message. Won’t Facebook message his sister to see how he is. Because, to be honest, I know he’s fine without me. He always was. I don’t want someone who so easily lives without me. Today was better than I anticipated, probably because I’m sick and loopy on meds. Sometimes, a sinus infection works for the good. And now, I cross Day 1 off the calendar and get some sleep.

[thehaikuofmylife]

Bff: Are you really missing him, or just missing being with someone?

Me:

Bff: Knowing what you know now, would you go back?

Me:

Bff:

Me:

Bff: That's what I thought. Remember that.

[thehaikuofmylife]

Self-discovery Freedom's path yields no answers Follow..and let go