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The Importance Of A Weekly Check-In For Couples

One thing that I often hear from couples is that they don’t have regular conversations about what is going on with them and that they can’t seem to be able to find a good time to bring up difficult topics. As time passes, two consequences emerge. First, they find that their partner knows less and less about their daily life- their actions, challenges, triumphs, thoughts, and feelings- and this leads them to feel disconnected. Secondly, the urgency and number of those unaddressed topics gradually increases, causing anxiety, resentment, and poorly timed, tense conversations.

No one ever entered into a relationship wanting to feel disconnected, unknown, and left all alone to deal with difficult emotions and situations. Couples don’t get this way on purpose. In fact, some manage to avoid getting this way in the first place. I have noticed that many couples who report a high level of satisfaction and connection by chance or by uncommon wisdom found a method that fosters those feelings: they meet on a regular basis to talk.

Maybe they lounge in bed on Sunday mornings and talk about their week. Maybe they walk the dog after dinner every night and discuss their day. Maybe they commute home together every evening and download about their day. Maybe they always have dinner on Friday night just the two of them at their favorite restaurant. This practice of reconnection can take many forms, but whatever the form it takes, there are always some commonalities: it’s something they do at least once a week, they make it happen without fail (barring emergency situations), no one else is invited, and no electronic devices are involved.

When working with couples, one of my goals is to have them practice behaviors that will maintain the gains they make in therapy. When I have a couple who doesn’t have some form of connection time built into their week, I ask them to pick a time in the week when they can meet to talk. They can choose a simple activity to do during that time, such as walking, eating, or drinking coffee, but I encourage them to choose an activity that isn’t too absorbing so that it keeps them from feeling comfortable in letting the conversation wander to whatever topics that it needs to. Also, they want to be feel able to give each other their full attention.

Often times when I make this suggestion, I can see that the partners recognize the importance of this regular habit. And they have some concerns.

Concern #1: “We don’t have the time.” Sometimes situations arise that are a crisis nature that keep partners from being able to connect because dealing with the crisis demands all their time. This is valid. And for most people, crises pass. If this isn’t a crisis time, look at your schedule and ask yourself, “What in my schedule do I value less than my relationship?” Then you know what to move. If this is a crisis time, make a promise to each other to make time to talk once the crisis is over.

Concern #2: “We don’t know what to say.” I suggest an easy and pleasant way to start the conversation: each of you takes a turn at telling the other one something that you appreciate about them this week. After that, I suggest getting to any “business” items- bringing up topics that require joint decisions or input. Bring up requests for changes in behavior. Discuss ways that you may want to be supported in the following week. Talk about highs and lows of the past week. Finally, you can talk about whatever topics that are important to you, even if they aren’t “pressing” (the news, sports, family gossip, etc.).

Concern #3: “It feels fake to have to plan a conversation.” When you were dating your partner, did communicating about how to coordinate your schedules so you could maintain your connection (i.e go on a date) feel “fake”? I doubt it. Usually, one of the key signs that someone is “into” you when you are dating is that they do this very thing. What makes this any less so when you are living together?

Concern #4: “We don’t have to do it when things are good between us, do we?” Sometimes couples are willing to create this practice when they are feeling anxious about the relationship. And then when their distress begins to subside, they begin to let go of meeting. This is one that you need to think about as a couple. The idea of scheduling regular time together is to maintain that feeling of connection while having the opportunity to discuss topics that need to be addressed before they become too difficult or urgent to deal with them gracefully. Think of these regular meetings like an early warning system that allows you to take care of problems when they’re still bite sized. There’s nothing “wrong” with letting your meetings go, but it might be more practical in the long run to maintain them.

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Three Key Phases To Recovering From An Affair

Betrayal is awful; there aren’t many people who’d argue otherwise. But why does it happen? What causes someone to engage in relationship infidelity?

Typically, infidelity happens when the relationship is suffering from lack of emotional intimacy and often suppressing emotions over an extended period of time.

The emotional and physical toll an affair takes on the relationship, and the pain and betrayal that follows are hard to overcome. But healing is possible.

How Couples Counseling Can Help: A Brief Look into the Gottman Method

The Gottman Method for couples therapy focuses on the couple’s history of conflict and integrates research-based strategies. Its goals are:

Disarm conflicting communication

Pinpoint partners’ shared dreams

Open support and care

Boost intimacy, respect, and affection

Break down communication barriers

The technique can build a greater sense of empathy and understanding in the relationship.

Emotional and Physical Infidelity

According to Gottman, emotional infidelity starts when someone grows too close to a person other than their partner. Such relationships often start innocently but develop into something more.

On the other hand, physical infidelity is sexual interaction or intimate physical contact outside of a committed relationship.

Most affairs begin at this emotional level. Even if a betrayal never progresses to an actual physical relationship, the offense can be equally heart-wrenching, and recovery can be just as hard.

Gottman’s Three-Step Trust Revival Technique

While the pain of relationship infidelity can often feel impossible to remedy, recovery is possible.

The Gottman Trust Revival Method is an evidence-based, couples therapy approach helping couples work through an affair. It contains three critical phases: atone, attune, and attach.

Step One: Atone

In this phase of recovery, the betrayer’s responsibility is to accept fault, try to make amends, and make up for their misdeed.

The betrayer must patiently allow their partner to process the pain their actions caused and show remorse for what they have done. Doing so can include no self-defense, making excuses, or being vindictive in the face of their dishonesty.

Transparency is also crucial in this phase. The betrayer must be patient as the betrayed will have questions and need answers, even when it feels like an invasion of the betrayer’s privacy. The betrayers willingness to be transparent is more important than the transparency itself.

Additionally, Gottman emphasizes that the person who was betrayed has a crucial role in the process: forgiveness. When a betrayer wants to reconcile, it’s the injured partner’s responsibility to forgive if they’re going to make their relationship last.

Step Two: Attune

According to Dr. John Gottman, attunement is a mutual desire and ability to understand and respect one’s partner’s inner world. He contends that in sharing vulnerabilities, neither partner feels lonely or invisible.

In this phase of the healing process, the attention shifts to reconstructing a new relationship. In the atonement phase, the couple allows time to mourn the loss of what once was. In the attunement phase, they begin to build the foundation for something new.

To that end, the couple shifts their attention from working on individual needs to focusing on taking care of their partner. Doing so allows each of them to tune into their partner’s bids for attention better.

Step Three: Attach

The final phase in Gottman’s method is attachment, which involves deep conversation about sex. These conversions lead to a better understanding of a partner’s preferences and feelings in bed. This topic may be hard to address because the betrayed partner may feel anger, resentment, and fear.

Partners need to communicate their needs, sexual and otherwise, to have fulfilling sex. Talking to your partner about what they want in bed is critical in reviving a relationship.

Seeking Help Through Couples Counseling

The Heart of the Matter Relationship Counseling is a practice well-equipped to help you determine what led to your affair, identify how you can heal together, and learn how to build trust and commitment into your marriage going forward.

To schedule an appointment, reach out today.

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What is Couple Therapy

When I tell people that I am a couples therapist, they have all sorts of questions. In today’s post, I thought I would write about the questions I’m asked most frequently about couples therapy and share how I answer them.

Who should go to couples therapy?

There are many reasons why a couple might want to go to therapy together:

You might be in a relationship where you feel that you and your partner are stuck in an endless round of conflict.

You might feel that your needs are unmet and you are at a lost as to how to meet them, or you feel unheard, unseen, and unappreciated.

You might feel that some hurt from the past simply is not healing in your relationship and you now need help in how to “get past your past.”

You might be preparing for a commitment like moving in together, getting married, or having a child, but want first to talk through all of the related issues with a third party facilitating the conversation.

What is couples therapy exactly?

There are many different forms of couples therapy, but two of the most popular evidence-based modalities, both of which are practiced by clinicians at the Heart of the Matter Counseling, are the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (“evidence-based” means that researchers have demonstrated scientifically the effectiveness of a given technique). While there are differences in the two approaches, both focus upon implementing the parallel processes of de-escalating conflict while rebuilding positivity and connection in the romantic bond. This means that the therapist will help the two of you to slow down and turn down the temperature when you discuss difficult issues while finding ways for the two of you to re-engage feelings of mutual respect, affection, and care.

What’s the beginning of therapy like?

First you have to make the appointment, preferably at a time and on a day that you feel both of you will be able to commit to on a regular basis. In your first appointment, your therapist will introduce you to themselves as well as to their method of working and will ask you both to talk about your reasons for coming. The first session is also the beginning of an assessment period that will last for two more sessions. The assessment is done to make sure that the therapist has a strong grasp of all the issues that the couple is struggling with as well as to ensure that couples therapy is the appropriate course of treatment at this time. The second and third appointments will usually be made with each of you individually, to give you an opportunity to speak openly to the therapist and to feel that your point of view is understood and validated. In the fourth session, the therapist will then bring the couple back together and recommend a course of action based upon all of the needs and challenges that were assessed. This plan, which will be the focus of treatment going forward, usually consists of facilitated discussions in session and various tasks to be completed outside of session, both of which aim to de-escalate and work through conflict while building positivity and connection in your relationship.

What does the therapist do?

The therapist’s job throughout is to serve as a neutral third party who works for the good of the relationship, a facilitator of difficult discussions, a mentor and model of secure attachment and communication skills, and a source of reflection and validation. The therapist is especially responsible for making sure that both members of the relationship feel heard, seen, validated, and understood in their feelings.

What keeps people from trying couples therapy?

It is common for people to express to me a desire to try couples therapy, but they have concerns that get in the way. I think these fears are perfectly normal and useful to express so that your therapist is aware of them and will know to address them early in the therapeutic process. Here are some of the concerns that people have mentioned to me over the years, as well as how I address them as a therapist:

I’m ashamed about the issue that is causing so much conflict and I don’t want my therapist to judge me or both of us. Your therapist has special training and experience in not only how relationships can go right, but all of the difficult ways that they can go wrong. A therapist leaves judgment at the door because judgment only gets in the way of understanding how the difficult issue came to be and how to help you deal with it. You can expect your therapist to treat you as you struggle with your particular issue with respect and compassion.

I know that I have done/am doing something that has caused damage to the relationship, and I think the therapist will blame me for all of our problems. Your therapist is interested in understanding the forces that drive the unhealthy dynamic in your relationship, not in assigning blame.

The therapist is different from me and more like my partner (for example, I’m a man and my partner and my therapist are both women)- wouldn’t the therapist naturally side with my partner? Your therapist has received special training on how to be a neutral third party who is aligned with the needs of your relationship and not with one or another member of that relationship.

I’m afraid therapy will be all about fighting. The beginning of therapy can be an emotional time because you are being asked to openly talk about thoughts and feelings that you maybe haven’t been able to fully discuss in front of your partner before. It can also be emotional and uncomfortable to listen to what your partner has to say. The therapist’s job is to slow the discussion down and keep the exchange respectful, so that you both are willing and able to listen. Over time, these exchanges can open up to new perspectives and levels of understanding and compassion between partners. Eventually, couples start to apply the new skills that they have learned not only in session but during their every day life so that they come to view conflict and misunderstandings not as a “Oh, no, here we go again-“ scenario but as opportunities to learn new things about each other and to grow closer, not further apart.

Get to the heart of the matter and connect with the right therapist for you today. To request an appointment, please contact us.

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Trauma & PTSD Therapy in San Diego, CA

Do you feel stuck, numb, unsafe, powerless, disconnected and are not quite sure why?

Do you want to stop using old coping behaviors because they’re problematic, but you can’t seem to stop?

Do you want to explore how to keep past stressors from continuing to affect your everyday life?

Do you want to learn how to heal from the past?

TRAUMA AND PTSD COUNSELING CAN HELP.

The word “trauma” literally means “wound.” An emotional trauma is an event or experience that overwhelms the brain and body, inhibiting our capacity to cope. Unprocessed trauma can leave you feeling stuck or in a continuous loop. Even though time has passed, the hurt, fears, and terror still feel present to you in your everyday life. Similar to having a physical injury that we didn’t know to take care of, an untreated emotional trauma may not heal properly or get worse over time.

This ongoing injury is often the root cause of a number of mental health problems: intrusive memories, anxiety, depression, relationship problems, fears of abandonment, feelings of shame or guilt, trust issues, compulsive behaviors, and substance use disorders. When underlying trauma is present it is important to address it in therapy in order to see significant progress and improvements. Through this process, you may see meaningful and even life changing results.

To heal from trauma, you first need safety, validation, and coping strategies to move through difficult emotions. Our clinicians then use evidence-based practices to identify and process the trauma.

You don’t have to live with suffering. There is always hope for healing. If you are interested in exploring how trauma-focused treatment might be right for you, reach out to learn more and schedule an appointment.

GETTING STARTED WITH TRAUMA & PTSD THERAPY IN SAN DIEGO CALIFORNIA IS EASY:

Reach out to The Heart of the Matter Relationship Counseling to set up your first appointment.

Get connected with the right trauma counselor for you

Start getting to the heart of the matter.

Our skilled therapists also offer couples counseling and counseling for individuals in relationship. For mental health care tips, please visit our our blog. Contact us today to schedule with a therapist for trauma & PTSD therapy in San Diego California.

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Finding One’s Power In Self-Regulation

As clinicians, we hold a lot of respect for the process. Just sitting with a client and holding space for the pain one might avoid in everyday life is often enough of an intervention to create meaningful change for a client. I try to be diligent and caring in that space, letting the client guide the path ahead. But there are some truths in the world that can alter the perspectives that drive negative emotions for people, and one intervention that helps clients see outside their pain is somewhat simple.

I recall one of my own therapists saying to me something simple that changed my whole world. I was struggling with a person in my family who had treated me poorly and continued to demean me whenever we had family functions. I wanted to learn how to handle this person’s behaviors over the holidays where we would be in close contact. In session, I was lamenting how I feared this person’s contempt for me. My therapist simply said to me “you can’t control anyone else’s feelings or behaviors, but you can control your response to their behaviors.” Something shifted a core element inside me when she said this very simple statement, changing the way I see my own sense of power in my relationships with others. I learned from that day forward to be more mindful of my response to difficult people, to create better boundaries, and to remind myself that I can choose the people I am close to. In doing so, I began to see myself differently, as someone who had agency with others.

With clients of my own, I like to explore how regulating one’s emotional response can lead to a feeling of power in any situation, as well as clear boundaries. I want clients to see the wide array of options when feeling injured, as I have in the years since hearing my therapist’s wise words. People can often feel trapped by their emotions, unable to see another way of handling themselves when disrespected, criticized or abandoned. As a therapist, I explore with clients how the dysregulated or avoidant response to perceived injuries is not creating outcomes the client desires. And in fact, the response that may have worked as a child or in a previous relationship isn’t working today. Our work is often to identify how a client sees oneself, what change the client is capable of, and how that change can impact the outcomes for him or her. Oftentimes, the change can have profound impact on the client’s entire worldview and their place in it.

Get to the heart of the matter and connect with the right therapist for you today. To request an appointment, please contact us.

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Attachment Styles

Attachment for Survival

Many people are aware of typical survival routines like fight, flight, or freeze. Someone becomes angry and they take an aggressive stance. Someone becomes frightened and they run away. Someone becomes horrified and they freeze. Lesser known as a survival routine is the human instinct for attachment.

Researcher John Bowlby began studying attachment in the middle of the twentieth century. It was first noticed in small children, probably because early childhood is when a person’s attachment style first develops, is most clearly expressed, and is most vital for the person’s survival. Though babies show clear preference to their mother’s voice on their first day of life, the part of the brain most involved with developing attachment to a child’s caregiver is at its most active between six months and two years of age. During this time, the infant is learning how to venture away from their caregivers to explore the world. However, because the world is a dangerous place, the infant needs a clear survival routine if they run into danger. And it is during this time that their attachment-related brain circuitry is learning and developing pathways that they will carry for the rest of their lives.

You can see the attachment survival routine play out with a baby as they explore their world. The baby crawls or toddles away, showing curiosity about their surroundings, and then, at some point, they check back in with their caregiver: are you still there? Infants are exquisitely tuned into their caregiver’s emotions as expressed by their voice, facial expressions, and bodily stance. Does their caregiver look tense or frightened when they look back? Do they smile and look relaxed? Are they paying attention at all? And then, what happens if the baby runs into trouble, like they fall, are surprised by a falling object, or encounter a barking dog? That baby will run back to their caregiver, their secure base for safety and soothing. No one needs to tell them to do this. And they won’t run to just anyone. That would be inefficient and risky. What if that person didn’t care and chose not to provide protection? No. In a survival situation, the infant can’t risk wasting time trying to think of where to go or of making a poor decision by placing faith in someone who isn’t willing to be a caregiver. That is why the infant is hard-wired with the instinct to run straight away to that special someone to whom they have bonded, to whom they are attached.

The goal of human development is to grow from a time of complete dependence on your caregivers to becoming capable of not only caring for your own needs but to have the capacity to care for the needs of others. An infant who is completely dependent upon another to have their needs satisfied learns how to express those needs in ways that are most likely to have those needs met. The baby cries from discomfort, and the caregiver responds to feed or to clean them. The baby reaches to be held and the caregiver plays with, talks to, or cuddles the baby. From the cumulative pattern of these interactions, the infant learns about how consistent and dependable their caregiver is in meeting their needs. The infant learns about their caregiver’s tolerance and approval for the expression of those needs. From the accumulation of interactions over the months of their childhood, the infant transforms this data into a philosophy of self and others. The infant learns to adopt an attitude of confidence or fear towards exploring the world as well as a belief in their own ability to approach and master new situations and skills. The infant develops a belief system about whether other people are safe, predictable, accepting, and dependable. Lastly, the infant develops from the way they are treated a philosophy about their own value, resilience, safety, and coherence. “The philosophy that the infant develops is enacted in what is called “an attachment style. Starting in the sixties and seventies, scientist Mary Ainsworth, followed by the work of others, was able to demonstrate that human beings have a reliable style of attachment behaviors that develops in the first years of life and continues into adulthood.

The Four Attachment Styles

There are four main attachment styles. The first style, the one that a majority of people practice, is known as being “secure.” The three other, “insecure” styles are known as “avoidant/dismissing,” “anxious/preoccupied,” and “disorganized.”

“Secure Attachment”

More than 60% of the time, parents do well enough in responding to their children’s needs that their children develop what is called a secure attachment style. Children with a secure attachment style know that they can ask for help when they need it, feel safe expressing their emotions, and know that they are loved and accepted for who they are. Because they have faith that they have a safe place to go if they run into trouble, securely attached children are more confident in trying new things and in solving problems. Additionally, securely attached children have a positive view of themselves as being inherently valuable, worthy of care, and valid. Children who are treated this way grow into adults who treat themselves and others like this, too.

“Insecure Types”

The other 40% of the time, something else occurs. Either because of external circumstances or inner struggles, the infant’s caregivers cannot show up consistently for all their children’s needs. After decades of study, researchers have identified three ways that children adapt behaviorally to the lack of response, consistency, acceptance, or safety in their relationship with their caregivers. These three styles are labeled collectively as being “insecure.”

“Avoidant/Dismissing”

When a caregiver has an overconfident belief in a child’s ability to “handle things on their own” or conveys to the child a sense that the expression of their needs and emotions will be ignored or met with disapproval, their child may adapt by developing a style of attachment that is called avoidant/dismissing. These children will not be expressive about their need or desire for their caregivers’ help, support, or presence and often fail to learn much about or to take seriously their own emotional processes. These children are often well-cared for materially and might be noted for their social independence, as they often are focused upon interacting with objects or accomplishing tasks. They tend not to ask for help and might be hostile to the idea of needing assistance from other people. They may be noted for “taking care of everyone else” or being “self-contained.” These children appear to be calm in stressful situations, such as being separated from their parents, however, studies of these children that monitored their physiology reveal that they are extremely distressed.

“Anxious/Preoccupied”

When a caregiver is extremely anxious about separation and models a high level of concern about the quality and closeness of primary relationships, or they express an understanding that emotions are overwhelming and unbearable and can only be soothed through relationship proximity, the child may adapt by developing an attachment that is called anxious/preoccupied. These children are slow to explore away from their caregivers, and lack confidence in their ability to problem solve or to self-soothe through emotional upsets. Separation is threatening and reunions take a long time to remedy the distress. These children find it difficult to take risks or to focus on topics beyond monitoring their proximity to their caregivers.

“Disorganized”

When a caregiver is inconsistent in their presentation and support to their child- for example being sometimes unresponsive, sometimes threatening, sometimes kind, and sometimes neglectful, the child does not have the opportunity to develop a coherent attachment strategy. Because the child is growing up in a chaotic environment, their responses are reliably chaotic. This child may be at turns aloof, clingy, aggressive, affectionate, or disengaged.

What does this matter in adulthood?

After researchers learned to classify these four attachment styles, they followed the children they had studied as they grew into adulthood and then studied the quality of their adult relationships. This is when they made an amazing discovery: the neural circuitry that was wired together when people were toddlers is repurposed in the adults to create the style of attachment they exhibit with their romantic partner. How those children adapted to their caregivers is in adulthood the way that they ask their partners to adapt to them. Securely attached partners will express and accept expressions of emotion and will seek and provide help and support when needed. Avoidantly attached partners will downplay their own and their partner’s emotional needs, will work to keep a certain emotional distance, and will find it uncomfortable or unbearably vulnerable to seek help from others. Anxiously attached partners will find any relationship discord to be destabilizing and distressing and a powerful distraction from all of their other activities. And people with disorganized attachments will find creating and maintaining stable relationships to be difficult, as they careen between the poles of a powerful hunger for attachment and the learned fear of intimacy.

Researchers have shown that attachment styles often remain stable throughout the lifetime. However, there are people who change from being insecure as children to a secure style as an adult. And it appears that the main change agent for this is… being in a safe, secure, and responsive relationship as an adult!

Attachment Matters

Researchers of adult attachment have recognized that the salience of attachment as a survival routine remains in our romantic attachments. And this is why the stakes in your romantic relationships feel so much higher than in any others. Romantic relationships are different because when you have bonded with your partner, you have made them your secure base, your default “go-to” in times of distress, threat, and triumph. Human beings are hard-wired to connect in this way, and when they lack the comfort of having a safe harbor they can count on when they need it, they exist with a constant emotional state of unease and lack.

Relationship stability and satisfaction are highly correlated with life expectancy, physical health outcomes, relationship stability, mental health, financial success, and overall life satisfaction and well-being. Your attachment style affects your view of others, your view of yourself, and how you choose to solve problems. And practicing a “secure” attachment style is most associated with relationship stability and satisfaction.

But what if you didn’t grow up with a “secure” attachment style? Attachment researchers have demonstrated that people do tend to maintain their attachment style as they age. However, some people change as they age through positive interactions with other people- even if your first adaptation to human relationship was not a secure attachment, as an adult you can learn to be secure!

Get to the heart of the matter and connect with the right therapist for you today. To request an appointment, please contact us.

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The Importance Of How You End Your Day For The Management Of Mood Disorders

Think for a few minutes about how you usually end your day. Are you “doomscrolling” through news websites, watching an endless queue of suggested videos on YouTube, binge watching a Netflix series, ruminating about a problem at work, getting into an argument with your partner, playing a video game, or texting excitedly back and forth with a friend?

“The end is important in all things.” – Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai, Yamamoto Tsunetomo

Now think about how you feel, emotionally and physically when you are doing these activities. Are they relaxing? Comforting? Calming? Do they bring a sense of closure to your day? Do they focus you upon your values, goals, or priorities? Do you have a chance to feel gratitude, pride, or to attend to any unmet needs prior to bedtime? Do they prepare you for sleep?

If the answer to these questions is “no,” then you may want to reconsider how you have been spending the hour before your bedtime.

Having a relaxing wind-down routine prior to bedtime can help to stabilize mood and to improve the quality of your sleep. Paying attention to and prioritizing these activities can help you to cultivate restfulness and to activate your parasympathetic nervous system (your “rest and digest” mode).

Activities that are known to help with this wind-down process are:

meditation or contemplative prayer

journaling expressively

deep breathing exercises

thinking of things and people for which you are grateful

thinking of things you accomplished during the day that enacted your most closely held values

thinking about the intention of your values that you want to set for the next day

preparing meals and clothing for the next day

reading a dull book (a physical book, to avoid blue light, which is activating)

gentle stretching

massage

a hot bath

Things to avoid:

Thinking about problems from the day or problems for tomorrow

Intense conversations

Screens that emit blue light, which will signal to your brain that it is not yet time to sleep

Shopping

Thinking about what you don’t have, don’t like, or regret

Entertainment or news

Any exercise that is more intense than gentle stretching

To make a change, first observe what you do in the hour prior to sleep and record how you feel about it, both physically and emotionally. Also, record the quality of your sleep the next day. Then, institute the changes suggested above by eliminating those things that are activating and by replacing them with activities that calm and soothe you. Record how the changes make you feel and how they affect the quality of your sleep. This will help you to track to the effectiveness of the changes (and perhaps help you to remember when you feel better why you made these changes in the first place so you don’t start to relapse to your old behaviors!).

The changes in mood and sleep you notice may be modest, especially at first, but remember that when managing a chronic mood disorder, any improvement in the quality of baseline mood and sleep can make a new mood episode less likely to occur and less severe and shorter-lived when it does.

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Counseling for Individuals in Relationships in San Diego, CA

IS SOMETHING PREVENTING YOU FROM FINDING OR THRIVING IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP, OR ARE YOU STUCK IN THE WRONG RELATIONSHIP?

You ask yourself the same questions time and time again…

“Will I ever find the right relationship?” “Will I ever be able to move on?”

You end up feeling sad, hopeless, confused, and defeated. You deserve to have a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship in your life.

Now, picture having a place to go to explore the very things that are holding you back, and unblocking them. When working with individuals, we help them to explore those very things, discovering effective ways to break down barriers, busting through obstacles, and getting unstuck so you can take intuitive action and fulfill the things that matter to you the most!

COUNSELING FOR INDIVIDUALS IN RELATIONSHIPS CAN HELP.

During our work together we will:

Pinpoint your blind spots – areas that have been holding you back that you didn’t even know were there.

Identify patterns, beliefs, ways of acting and being that are no longer serving you

Create your “miracle”, a very specific goal for the direction of our work together

Break through obstacles, and get unstuck so you can take intuitive action and fulfill on what matters to you the most

Transform the way you have communicated with yourself and others, creating a deeper connection, and creating the life, love and relationships you desire.

GETTING STARTED WITH COUNSELING FOR INDIVIDUALS IN RELATIONSHIPS IN SAN DIEGO CALIFORNIA IS EASY:

Reach out to The Heart of the Matter Relationship Counseling to set up your first appointment.

Get connected with the right individual counselor for you

Get to the heart of the matter.

Our skilled therapists also offer couples counseling and trauma & PTSD therapy. For mental health care tips, please visit our our blog. Contact us today to schedule with a therapist for individuals in relationship in San Diego California.

REQUEST AN APPOINTMENT.

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What Is Couples Therapy And How Can It Help Me?

When I tell people that I am a couples therapist, they have all sorts of questions. In today’s post, I thought I would write about the questions I’m asked most frequently about couples therapy and share how I answer them.

Who should go to couples therapy?

There are many reasons why a couple might want to go to therapy together:

You might be in a relationship where you feel that you and your partner are stuck in an endless round of conflict.

You might feel that your needs are unmet and you are at a lost as to how to meet them, or you feel unheard, unseen, and unappreciated.

You might feel that some hurt from the past simply is not healing in your relationship and you now need help in how to “get past your past.”

You might be preparing for a commitment like moving in together, getting married, or having a child, but want first to talk through all of the related issues with a third party facilitating the conversation.

What is couples therapy exactly?

There are many different forms of couples therapy, but two of the most popular evidence-based modalities, both of which are practiced by clinicians at the Heart of the Matter Counseling, are the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (“evidence-based” means that researchers have demonstrated scientifically the effectiveness of a given technique). While there are differences in the two approaches, both focus upon implementing the parallel processes of de-escalating conflict while rebuilding positivity and connection in the romantic bond. This means that the therapist will help the two of you to slow down and turn down the temperature when you discuss difficult issues while finding ways for the two of you to re-engage feelings of mutual respect, affection, and care.

What’s the beginning of therapy like?

First you have to make the appointment, preferably at a time and on a day that you feel both of you will be able to commit to on a regular basis. In your first appointment, your therapist will introduce you to themselves as well as to their method of working and will ask you both to talk about your reasons for coming. The first session is also the beginning of an assessment period that will last for two more sessions. The assessment is done to make sure that the therapist has a strong grasp of all the issues that the couple is struggling with as well as to ensure that couples therapy is the appropriate course of treatment at this time. The second and third appointments will usually be made with each of you individually, to give you an opportunity to speak openly to the therapist and to feel that your point of view is understood and validated. In the fourth session, the therapist will then bring the couple back together and recommend a course of action based upon all of the needs and challenges that were assessed. This plan, which will be the focus of treatment going forward, usually consists of facilitated discussions in session and various tasks to be completed outside of session, both of which aim to de-escalate and work through conflict while building positivity and connection in your relationship.

What does the therapist do?

The therapist’s job throughout is to serve as a neutral third party who works for the good of the relationship, a facilitator of difficult discussions, a mentor and model of secure attachment and communication skills, and a source of reflection and validation. The therapist is especially responsible for making sure that both members of the relationship feel heard, seen, validated, and understood in their feelings.

What keeps people from trying couples therapy?

It is common for people to express to me a desire to try couples therapy, but they have concerns that get in the way. I think these fears are perfectly normal and useful to express so that your therapist is aware of them and will know to address them early in the therapeutic process. Here are some of the concerns that people have mentioned to me over the years, as well as how I address them as a therapist:

I’m ashamed about the issue that is causing so much conflict and I don’t want my therapist to judge me or both of us. Your therapist has special training and experience in not only how relationships can go right, but all of the difficult ways that they can go wrong. A therapist leaves judgment at the door because judgment only gets in the way of understanding how the difficult issue came to be and how to help you deal with it. You can expect your therapist to treat you as you struggle with your particular issue with respect and compassion.

I know that I have done/am doing something that has caused damage to the relationship, and I think the therapist will blame me for all of our problems. Your therapist is interested in understanding the forces that drive the unhealthy dynamic in your relationship, not in assigning blame.

The therapist is different from me and more like my partner (for example, I’m a man and my partner and my therapist are both women)- wouldn’t the therapist naturally side with my partner? Your therapist has received special training on how to be a neutral third party who is aligned with the needs of your relationship and not with one or another member of that relationship.

I’m afraid therapy will be all about fighting. The beginning of therapy can be an emotional time because you are being asked to openly talk about thoughts and feelings that you maybe haven’t been able to fully discuss in front of your partner before. It can also be emotional and uncomfortable to listen to what your partner has to say. The therapist’s job is to slow the discussion down and keep the exchange respectful, so that you both are willing and able to listen. Over time, these exchanges can open up to new perspectives and levels of understanding and compassion between partners. Eventually, couples start to apply the new skills that they have learned not only in session but during their every day life so that they come to view conflict and misunderstandings not as a “Oh, no, here we go again-“ scenario but as opportunities to learn new things about each other and to grow closer, not further apart.

Get to the heart of the matter and connect with the right therapist for you today. To request an appointment, please contact us.

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Why Do I Need Constant Reassurance In My Relationship

Relationship anxiety is normal and can be part of a healthy relationship. When your partner leaves on a trip for an extended period, or you haven’t yet reconciled from a fight, you may feel on edge, waiting for a signal that will reassure you everything is okay.

But what if your relationship anxiety feels like too much? What if it makes you:

Frequently doubt your partner and overanalyze their actions?

Worry about your relationship even when there’s nothing amiss?

Seek frequent reassurance from your partner, friends, and family about your relationship?

Check for signs that your partner still loves you?

Feel exhausted by yourself and the worry you feel?

Understanding Relationship Anxiety

Your partner gave you a look this morning, which triggers doubt in your mind that he’s still in love with you. The panic this thought causes is nearly unbearable (anxiety), so you call your best friend (action), who reassures you that your partner loves you. You feel much better, but only for a few hours before the doubt returns. Why is that?

The answer may surprise you: your efforts to get rid of your anxiety accidentally reinforced what you were feeling. You taught your brain that because you took action to get rid of the anxiety, it should pay attention to it. Over time, your brain learns that your relationship doubts are worth paying attention to, and if they’re worth paying attention to, it must be because they are realistic, valid, and credible fears.

The Cycle of Relationship Anxiety

1. Something triggers anxiety. “My partner didn’t say I love you this morning. Is he angry with me? Is he thinking of ending things?”

2. You take action. “I’ll have a glass of wine/ read relationship self-help blogs/ text him first.”

3. You feel temporarily relieved because you feel relaxed, get the reassurance that you need (the blog says, “he’s probably stressed about work”), or successfully rationalize your anxiety away (“I don’t need him anyway”).

4. Because you took action, your brain thinks there must have been danger. It learns to take your anxiety seriously and becomes more sensitized as it scans for “threats” to your relationship.

5. Because your brain is looking harder for them, more “threats” are discovered. Your relationship anxiety occurs more frequently.

Overcoming Relationship Anxiety

The most extreme form of relationship anxiety is a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) called relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder. However, you don’t need a diagnosis to benefit from the principles of OCD treatment (called Exposure and Response Prevention) to overcome your relationship anxiety.

Breaking this cycle for good is a simple, two-step process, but can be painful and frightening and should be done under the guidance of a licensed therapist.

Breaking the Cycle Exercise

(1) Wait for a trigger or imagine one. Expose yourself to the doubt you have about your relationship and the fear it causes. (“My partner is annoyed! Does she secretly hate me?”)

(2) Prevent yourself from taking action to lessen your anxiety about it. (“I’m going to sit here and be with the feeling instead of taking action. I am not going to reassure myself or rationalize these thoughts away.”)

(3) Sit with the doubt you have. Stop trying to fix it. Stop trying to feel less anxious. In fact, ask for more anxiety. Say to yourself, “I hope I am scared about this forever.” Accept your worst what-ifs as a possibility.

(4) As you stay in this place of letting yourself be as anxious as possible without taking action, your anxiety will naturally rise, peak, and fall. Whether it takes 5, 15, or 90 minutes, sitting with your fear in one-pointed concentration and not letting yourself do anything else will eventually give way to boredom that will then compete for your attention. Stay with it until your anxiety is half or less of the intensity it was when you started.

It may feel utterly counterintuitive to sit with the anxiety, lean into the doubt, and refuse to seek reassurance about your worst fears. Research shows this practice to be one of the most helpful methods of overcoming relationship anxiety, and it may be exactly what you need. This process teaches your brain that your fears are not such a big deal. In turn, your brain learns to give your doubts less emotional weight.

Anxiety attacks what’s most important to you; if you have relationship anxiety, it’s because you value your relationship highly. You may have past trauma that makes it hard to trust you are loved. Our highly-trained and empathetic therapists have the gentleness and expertise to help you overcome feeling disconnected from your partner, anxious, and looking for answers.

There’s hope. We are here for you, as a couple or individually. Reach out to us to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.

[theheartofrelationshipcounseling]

Five Habits That Help To Manage Conflicts

People used to believe that highly satisfied couples had very few disagreements and very little conflict. But when relationship researchers measured the incidence of disagreements, they discovered that highly satisfied couples disagree just as often as other couples. The difference is in the habits and attitudes they use to manage their conflicts over those disagreements.

When researchers looked at these highly satisfied couples, five habits emerged as being key:

Soft start up

Accepting influence

Effective repair

Making space for your partner’s dreams while holding on to your own

Five positive interactions to every negative one

1) Soft start up- making complaints instead of criticisms

Research has shown that the way that you introduce a topic – your “start up”- has a huge influence on how the conversation will proceed. John Gottman’s research has shown that the emotional quality of the first three minutes of a conversation is the best predictor of how that conversation will end. A conversation that begins with a “harsh” start up- that is, a start up characterized by criticality, contempt, or blaming- has more than a 90% chance of ending on the same or an even more negative note. Interestingly, in opposite sex couples, the woman is often more likely to be the partner to engage in a harsh start up.

People use harsh start-ups because they are angry and frustrated and because they lack the faith that a softer approach will get attention or be taken seriously. The irony is that when people feel attacked that they are much less likely to listen or to want to respond cooperatively.

A soft startup often starts with a request or invitation to a conversation and is characterized by a simple statement full of facts. This statement is also free of judgment or interpretations about the other person, instead focusing upon a request for change in behavior. It may also include an explanation of why a behavior is disliked based upon the emotions that it evokes in the speaker. To achieve a soft start up, it helps if a person can practice self-soothing and making complaints.

Example:

“I want to talk to you about something that is upsetting me. When you ________, it makes me feel ________. I do not like this because _______. Could you talk to me about how this behavior could change?”

2) Accepting influence

Accepting influence is the willingness to work toward mutually satisfying solutions. The opposite of this is the rejection of influence. The rejection of influence can manifest as defensiveness (being so focused upon defending from a perceived attack that you don’t give attention to your partner’s point of view), stonewalling (refusing to engage with your partner over an issue), and contempt (refusing to acknowledge the validity of your partner’s emotions, thoughts, or preferences).

In a partnership where people accept influence, both partners have some say in decisions that affect both of them.

Couples where one or both partners do not accept influence from the other report much higher levels of dissatisfaction and dissolution. Interestingly, this seems to occur with the greatest frequency in heterosexual couples, with the man being the partner (80% of the time) who refuses to accept influence. In relationships where influence is accepted, partners feel heard, respected, valued, and understood, even when their partner continues to disagree with them.

Example:

“Now that you have explained why this is so important to you, I can see why this is upsetting you so much. Can we work together to come up with a solution that will respect both of our concerns?”

3) Effective repair

The friction of everyday interactions has a way of wearing on everyone. Being aware of how that friction is affecting you, knowing how to modulate it so that you don’t become overwhelmed, and knowing how to mend things as you go are all essential tools for maintaining strong relationships.

People who engage in effective repair are aware of their emotional activation levels and are especially aware of when they are “redlining.” They know that this is a time to slow things down or even to take a break so that they can pull out of that “red zone.” They make a point of addressing hurts during and after a fight and helping to heal them. They also are willing to acknowledge and accept repair attempts from their partner. Additionally, individuals who use effective repair often fight without showing contempt- making it so they avoid inflicting damage in the first place.

Example:

“Listen- I need to take a break for a minute. …sweetheart, I know we’re both really upset with each other right now, and it hurts me for us to be fighting. I can’t wait for us to resolve this argument so that we can stop being angry with each other.”

4) Respecting your partner’s dreams while holding on to your own

Some people are unhappy in their relationships because they feel that their values, dreams, wants, and needs are consistently put to the side for their partner’s. Other people find it hard to take their partner’s preferences and dreams seriously or to make space for them. People in highly satisfactory relationships have found out how to balance their dreams and values with those of their partner’s.

It can be hard sometimes to give proper respect to what our partner’s wants (or our own) because we don’t understand the values at stake. To gain respect for those dreams, you can explore the underlying meaning of the issue at the center of a given dispute for each of you.

Example:

“You’re so upset about this, I suspect that this is a lot more important to you than I realized. What does this mean to you?”

5) Five positive interactions to every negative one

All couples have positive and negative interactions, no matter how happy or unhappy they are. However, researchers have discovered that when the ratio of positive interactions to negative ones falls below five to one, this is a sign of major distress in the relationship.

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Counseling For Couples in San Diego, CA

DO YOU FEEL LONELY AND DISCONNECTED FROM YOUR PARTNER?

You may remember a time when you and your partner were each other’s best friends and confidants, but something has happened to create an emotional chasm between the two of you. The distance may have happened gradually and before you realized it, you and your partner were very far apart. This can happen after couples have children, when one or both members of the relationship are building careers, when unfortunate tragedies or illnesses in your families occur, or any of a multitude of life circumstances that are unexpected, and even expected. Couples Therapy can help couples to reconnect and rekindle the emotional intimacy they once had. Building friendship, trust and intimacy to help close the distance between you and your partner.

COUPLES COUNSELING CAN HELP.

Couples Therapy can help couples to reconnect and rekindle the emotional intimacy they once had. Building friendship, and fondness and admiration for each other are cornerstones that can help close the distance between you and your partner. Using the Gottman Method of Couples Therapy, we help couples break through barriers to achieve greater understanding, connection and intimacy in their relationships. The Gottman Method is an evidence-based and research-tested approach to helping couples find their way to healthy and satisfying relationships.

Using Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) we help couples break through their negative conflict cycles discovering the longing needs underneath the cycle.

Couples counseling is one of the greatest gifts you can give your relationship, and your partner. Working with a trained couples counselor in a safe and non-judgmental environment, can give you the skills to reconnect and have a healthy and satisfying relationship with your partner.

GETTING STARTED WITH COUPLES COUNSELING IN SAN DIEGO CALIFORNIA IS EASY:

Reach out to The Heart of the Matter Relationship Counseling to set up your first appointment.

Get connected with the right couples counselor for you

Start getting to the heart of the matter.

Our skilled therapists also offer counseling for individuals in relationship and trauma & PTSD therapy. For mental health care tips, please visit our our blog. Contact us today to schedule with a therapist for couples counseling in San Diego California.

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4 Things That Destroy Relationships

Marriage researcher John Gottman’s groundbreaking work on how couples interact revealed the four most common interactional patterns that damage relationships. While everyone exhibits these behaviors sometimes, when they become habitual, they are damaging to the relationship. In fact, the habitual appearance of these behaviors is so likely to signal the end of the relationship that Gottman labeled them “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

Criticism

Criticism is the “gateway” horseman. When it appears, the other three often follow. Criticism usually has a legitimate motivation: the critic is communicating a request for the other person to change a behavior. However, criticism is different from a complaint in that it does not use “I” statements, does not address behavior, and makes judgments about the other person’s character. Because it feels like an attack, it often invokes defensiveness or stonewalling from the other person. Even when it changes behavior, criticism still results in the other person feeling hurt, resentful, and fearful- thus damaging the relationship.

Examples:

“You are so lazy!”

“You never care about what I think!”

“Will you ever grow up?”

“You always mess this up!”

Contempt

Contempt is the most damaging of the horsemen and the one that can truly signal the end of the relationship. The essence of contempt is communicating a sense of feeling superior in some way to the other person. This is often associated with the feeling that one person is right and the other is wrong. Contempt can be shown through name-calling, insults, hostile humor, sarcasm, mockery, repeating something your partner said in an insulting manner, tone of voice, rolling your eyes, curling your lip, sneering, or any general expression of disgust.

Examples:

“You’re stupid and pathetic.”

“You’re such a pig. You disgust me.”

“Why do you even bother?

“When are you going to get it into your head that I’m right?”

“Oh, poor baby! Your life is so hard!”

Defensiveness

Defensiveness results when a person perceives an attack or criticism is taking place and takes evasive action. Note that the other person does not have to have been actually attacking or critical, only the perception of this is necessary to trigger defensiveness. When people are defensive, they become so focused on warding off the attack that they fail to address the issue that the other person is bringing to their attention. This brings the interaction to a stalemate at best or even into an escalation at worst.

Examples:

Making excuses (“It’s not my fault…” or “There’s no way I could have done that…”)

Cross-complaining (replying to a criticism with one about your partner, sometimes by disagreeing first: “That’s not true, you’re the one who…” or “Oh, yeah, well I’m sick of how often you…”), or whining (“It’s not fair.”)

Yes-butting (starting off by agreeing and then negating that: “It’s true that I do that, but…”

Repeating yourself without paying attention or responding to what the other person is saying.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is often a sign that the person is feeling overwhelmed or helpless in the face of a perceived attack. People who stonewall often report a wish for the interaction “to just blow over” because they are feeling overwhelmed or are afraid that anything they do will lead to an escalation of conflict. While stonewalling is often a move to protect the person and even the relationship from damage, their partner may see it as being uncaring, disinterested, disconnected, or “cold.” Sometimes, when stonewalling is combined with contempt, this impression has some truth to it, as the stonewaller looks down from behind an icy barrier.

Examples:

Silence

Averted, lowered, or frozen gaze

Frozen, “dead,” or neutral facial expression features

Monosyllabic answers (“Yeah… no… yeah.” Grunting or “Hmmm.”)

Changing the subject abruptly

“Zoning out,”

Physically leaving the room

Fidgeting with something or otherwise giving your attention to something unrelated while the other person is talking

If you’re interested in scheduling an appointment or you’d like more information, please contact us.

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Trauma & PTSD Therapy in San Diego, CA

Do you feel stuck, numb, unsafe, powerless, disconnected and are not quite sure why?

Do you want to stop using old coping behaviors because they’re problematic, but you can’t seem to stop?

Do you want to explore how to keep past stressors from continuing to affect your everyday life?

Do you want to learn how to heal from the past?

TRAUMA AND PTSD COUNSELING CAN HELP.

The word “trauma” literally means “wound.” An emotional trauma is an event or experience that overwhelms the brain and body, inhibiting our capacity to cope. Unprocessed trauma can leave you feeling stuck or in a continuous loop. Even though time has passed, the hurt, fears, and terror still feel present to you in your everyday life. Similar to having a physical injury that we didn’t know to take care of, an untreated emotional trauma may not heal properly or get worse over time.

This ongoing injury is often the root cause of a number of mental health problems: intrusive memories, anxiety, depression, relationship problems, fears of abandonment, feelings of shame or guilt, trust issues, compulsive behaviors, and substance use disorders. When underlying trauma is present it is important to address it in therapy in order to see significant progress and improvements. Through this process, you may see meaningful and even life changing results.

To heal from trauma, you first need safety, validation, and coping strategies to move through difficult emotions. Our clinicians then use evidence-based practices to identify and process the trauma.

You don’t have to live with suffering. There is always hope for healing. If you are interested in exploring how trauma-focused treatment might be right for you, reach out to learn more and schedule an appointment.

GETTING STARTED WITH TRAUMA & PTSD THERAPY IN SAN DIEGO CALIFORNIA IS EASY:

Reach out to The Heart of the Matter Relationship Counseling to set up your first appointment.

Get connected with the right trauma counselor for you

Start getting to the heart of the matter.

Our skilled therapists also offer couples counseling and counseling for individuals in relationship. For mental health care tips, please visit our our blog. Contact us today to schedule with a therapist for trauma & PTSD therapy in San Diego California.

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Associate Marriage and Family Therapist in San Diego, CA

ABOUT ME

I’m Lauren Mason, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in couples counseling, with a particular focus on helping couples repair relationship and attachment injuries. I support couples as they work to heal and redefine trust, connection, and intimacy.

I want to help couples become even stronger as a result of the challenges they’ve faced, and see their relationship as something different and new.

Disconnection between two people happens when we avoid difficult conversations and uncomfortable feelings.

I work to break down the fear and anxiety you might feel, and navigate the waters safely together, building the skills and tools for engagement and resilience.

WHAT MAKES ME CREDIBLE

My work is focused on helping couples to break down the walls between them caused by resentment, injury, misguided anger and fear. Ultimately, I want my clients to find in each other safety, love and protection through secure attachment.

Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, CA AMFT #113979

BA and MFA from San Diego State University

MA in Marriage and Family Therapy from University of San Diego

Trained in the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy and EFIT (Emotion Focused Therapy for Individuals with Trauma)

Specializing in Couples Therapy through an attachment lens

If you are willing to show up for each other and are ready to deepen your intimate lives through couples’ therapy, please reach out to schedule an appointment.

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What Can I Do To Change My Partner?

As a couples therapist, I get this question all the time. Sometimes it’s spoken with anger, sometimes despair, sometimes sorrow, and sometimes exhausted resignation. Behind the question is often feelings of hurt, powerlessness, and a sense of something being broken in the relationship.

My answer to this question is simple: “What can you do to change your behavior?”

This answer is often met with puzzlement. “I don’t understand. My problem is with my partner.”

But the only thing that any person has power over is their own behavior. You can’t control your partner at all. However, you can trigger change in another person’s behavior by changing whatever it is that they’re reacting to- in this case, your behavior. This is why the answer to this question, “What can I do to change my partner?” is, “What can you do to change your behavior… so that your partner is likely to respond differently?”

This can be hard to get at first, so I will provide some examples of what this can look like:

You don’t see how your grumpy mood when you come home from work and brood silently in the kitchen affects your partner, who feels rejected and ignored. When you ask about their day an hour later and they snap at you, it seems like it “came out of the blue.”

You don’t see how your all-encompassing focus on your new job makes them feel neglected and disengaged until you reach out for some emotional support which they are too resentful to provide.

You don’t see how making a commitment and not following through with it time and again has made them reluctant to trust you on your word until you need them to trust us and find that they don’t.

You don’t see how long it’s been since you’ve complimented and admired your partner until you see them come alive under someone else’s admiring attention at a party.

In each of these examples, your partner acted in a way that you didn’t like. But their behavior was in direct response to something you did (or didn’t do) first.

Relationships are co-created. And while it is easy to point out the behavior our partner enacted that provoked a response in us, it seems to be a natural human blind spot to have to struggle to see that our partner is just as surely responding to us. And while we can’t make a behavioral choice that guarantees a given desired response, we can learn about what sort of behaviors make certain responses more probable. And then we aim to do those.

What might that look like? Read the examples below and think about how your partner might respond differently from the way they did in the scenarios above.

You come home in a grumpy mood and tell our partner, “I need a little alone time. Can I decompress a little and then connect with you later?”

You are extremely focused upon your new job and make a point of telling your partner that you miss them and want to put some special time aside on the weekend to just focus on them.

You recognize that you didn’t keep your commitments to our partner and make a sincere apology. You think about what made it hard to follow through like you said you would and make some changes so that it isn’t likely to happen again.

You realize that you haven’t shown your affectionate appreciation for your partner for a while. You leave them some notes in places you know they will find them.

So the next time you don’t like something your partner does, ask yourself, “What did I do right before, and might they act differently if I changed that?”

Get to the heart of the matter and connect with the right therapist for you today. To request an appointment, please contact us.

[theheartofrelationshipcounseling]

Why Do I Need Constant Reassurance In A Relationship

Relationship anxiety is normal and can be part of a healthy relationship. When your partner leaves on a trip for an extended period, or you haven’t yet reconciled from a fight, you may feel on edge, waiting for a signal that will reassure you everything is okay.

But what if your relationship anxiety feels like too much? What if it makes you:

Frequently doubt your partner and overanalyze their actions?

Worry about your relationship even when there’s nothing amiss?

Seek frequent reassurance from your partner, friends, and family about your relationship?

Check for signs that your partner still loves you?

Feel exhausted by yourself and the worry you feel?

Understanding Relationship Anxiety

Your partner gave you a look this morning, which triggers doubt in your mind that he’s still in love with you. The panic this thought causes is nearly unbearable (anxiety), so you call your best friend (action), who reassures you that your partner loves you. You feel much better, but only for a few hours before the doubt returns. Why is that?

The answer may surprise you: your efforts to get rid of your anxiety accidentally reinforced what you were feeling. You taught your brain that because you took action to get rid of the anxiety, it should pay attention to it. Over time, your brain learns that your relationship doubts are worth paying attention to, and if they’re worth paying attention to, it must be because they are realistic, valid, and credible fears.

The Cycle of Relationship Anxiety

1. Something triggers anxiety. “My partner didn’t say I love you this morning. Is he angry with me? Is he thinking of ending things?”

2. You take action. “I’ll have a glass of wine/ read relationship self-help blogs/ text him first.”

3. You feel temporarily relieved because you feel relaxed, get the reassurance that you need (the blog says, “he’s probably stressed about work”), or successfully rationalize your anxiety away (“I don’t need him anyway”).

4. Because you took action, your brain thinks there must have been danger. It learns to take your anxiety seriously and becomes more sensitized as it scans for “threats” to your relationship.

5. Because your brain is looking harder for them, more “threats” are discovered. Your relationship anxiety occurs more frequently.

Overcoming Relationship Anxiety

The most extreme form of relationship anxiety is a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) called relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder. However, you don’t need a diagnosis to benefit from the principles of OCD treatment (called Exposure and Response Prevention) to overcome your relationship anxiety.

Breaking this cycle for good is a simple, two-step process, but can be painful and frightening and should be done under the guidance of a licensed therapist.

Breaking the Cycle Exercise

(1) Wait for a trigger or imagine one. Expose yourself to the doubt you have about your relationship and the fear it causes. (“My partner is annoyed! Does she secretly hate me?”)

(2) Prevent yourself from taking action to lessen your anxiety about it. (“I’m going to sit here and be with the feeling instead of taking action. I am not going to reassure myself or rationalize these thoughts away.”)

(3) Sit with the doubt you have. Stop trying to fix it. Stop trying to feel less anxious. In fact, ask for more anxiety. Say to yourself, “I hope I am scared about this forever.” Accept your worst what-ifs as a possibility.

(4) As you stay in this place of letting yourself be as anxious as possible without taking action, your anxiety will naturally rise, peak, and fall. Whether it takes 5, 15, or 90 minutes, sitting with your fear in one-pointed concentration and not letting yourself do anything else will eventually give way to boredom that will then compete for your attention. Stay with it until your anxiety is half or less of the intensity it was when you started.

It may feel utterly counterintuitive to sit with the anxiety, lean into the doubt, and refuse to seek reassurance about your worst fears. Research shows this practice to be one of the most helpful methods of overcoming relationship anxiety, and it may be exactly what you need. This process teaches your brain that your fears are not such a big deal. In turn, your brain learns to give your doubts less emotional weight.

Anxiety attacks what’s most important to you; if you have relationship anxiety, it’s because you value your relationship highly. You may have past trauma that makes it hard to trust you are loved. Our highly-trained and empathetic therapists have the gentleness and expertise to help you overcome feeling disconnected from your partner, anxious, and looking for answers.

There’s hope. We are here for you, as a couple or individually. Reach out to us to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.